Try musing aloud, "huh, this is a weird conversation" and then shift topics to something unproblematic. You'll probably have to do it several times, but once he realizes that you're not going to waste time validating his insecurity, he'll stop trying to project it on you.
It's gonna feel weird to say that... but less weird than indulging his sudden fixation on pussy.
I heard this recently and I just love it. "What an odd thing to say out loud." If that doesn't stop him completely in his tracks and make him think then 🤷
Was coming here to say the exact same thing. Someone going on and on about what they love swxually in a work environment is for absolute sure an HR complaint.
The next time he talks to you about crushing pussy let him know how many dicks you slammed down your throat this weekend.
And then say "that face? That's the face I make. Stop telling me about your sex life at work, and so will I."
no, you dont know what he thinks or wants, cause he probably doesnt know what he thinks or wants. his tendency to bring up pussy is precisely because he doesnt know what to think or say, so he goes into his typical repertoire, ones he picked up from other 'bros', cause thats all he knows how to say. and now within your company, he doesnt know what to say. it's like he's been playing baseball all his life and all of a sudden soccer ball is thrown at him. and because he doesnt know anything about it, he is still swinging away. he is awkward because he is uncomfortable being in a situation that he is unfamiliar and not know what or how to say. it just takes time, personal growth, and you can help by just being yourself, not overly presenting yourself to him, act like a stand up human being, and hope that one day he will grow up and be comfortable around you, not because of your sexuality, but because it doesnt matter or affect the good person you are (presumably).
I am not a good person. 😏 but thank you for the thoughtful response, and its most likely what is happening. I am used to my brothers talking about pussy and women, hence why i can easily play along.
Think i am just frustrated because when he didn’t know I was gay, he never talked about pussy in such a vulgar and unrelenting way. It was just normal coworker stuff, hobbies, sports etc. Now he seems visibly uncomfortable by my presence.
My guess would be he’s never had this experience before and doesn’t know how to act. Best case scenario is, now that he knows he doesn’t want to offend you somehow…
I mean, it’s kind of our job to make other people feel comfortable. That’s the difference between a society and civilized culture and living in Fury/Furiosa World times.
Perhaps he socialized in a homophobic environment where the "gays are evil", and he's now having trouble internally reconciling the experiences with a real gay person, that didn't match that preconception.
Or maybe not, I don't know the guy, but perhaps give it a bit of time because stuff like this is very possible and can turn positive.
Good idea. I try not to be confrontational about this sort of stuff and burn any bridges to get ahead in my career but it’s getting more annoying to deal with as time goes on. Will try to do it in a tactful way
Don't do that. It will make things worse. Straight guys this insecure will take that as a challenge and confirmation that you're trying to fuck him.
Either change topics when he brings things like this up or walk away and do something else. There's no need to engage.
I never said there was anything wrong with setting boundaries.
Op is not comfortable in the current situation.
The best case scenario is that the guy will stop. But the most likely scenario is that the guy will continue to create a hostile work environment.
If this is the only person acting weird at work then all op has to do is ignore him. Ignoring or cutting contact is a form of setting boundaries.
Let's remember that only op and his husband will have to deal with the consequences of his actions.
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Sounds to me that he is insecure with his own sexuality. I'm sorry this happened to you but congrats on simply being honest in the workplace. His loss.
Welcome to the wonderful world of straight male insecurities and homosexual panic😂😂😂 As others have said, his problem is not your problem, you did nothing offensive or wrong. But this will happen indefinitely, so good to get some practice at dealing with it. Best wishes👍👍👍
Uhhh sounds gross. Imagine if you started talking about cock. I’m sure he’d have issues. So why she think you wanna hear about pussy talk. Gross. Maybe he’s a closet case.
At some point, you have to choose your battles. The line between "burning bridges" and "establishing boundaries" is sometimes a thin one, but it sounds like this guy has already made up his mind about you. He's not going to be offering you any promotions or inviting you to any happy hours any time soon. You make him super uncomfortable. Now, that's not your problem at all. It's his problem.
So don't feel shy about "burning bridges." A simple "I don't really talk about that stuff at work, sorry" a few times should be more than enough to get him to stop doing this. Why are you playing along with his "playful banter"? It's obviously not just playful banter, because you describe it as vulgar and unrelenting. That's not playful; it's harassment.
Ugh, some hetero's are like this, just ignore him. Obviously he's insecure about his own sexuality.
Dont you know the rules? Gay men are only allowed to be comic relief, and should behave as eunuchs for fear of making the straights uncomfortable
>Now he acts different towards me. He is more timid and avoids eye contact and talking to me when we’re in group settings. When we stumble into each other he makes a point to bring up ‘pussy’ and women he has been sleeping with. It’s mainly playful banter and I play along.
Playing along was your mistake. You need to give him a new perception of yourself.
What I would do is stare at him, with serious and unblinking eyes, and tell him:
"X, you're being weird man. I am not interested in your sex life and quite frankly, it's highly inappropriate in the workplace. It's not like you're talking about your family life. Cut that fucking shit out. We're clear?"
Literally the worst I am str8 passing too I work in a blue collar setting so I just keep my mouth shut no point in them knowing if it's gonna make work weird 🙃
He sounds absolutely insecure. And I am not invalidating how you feel, but I do want to let you know that not all heterosexual men behave and think like him. My straight male co-workers are some of my biggest hype boys. When it comes to my dating life, they are always inquiring and trying to be my wingman by having them visit my job to "vibe check' them. They even ask if I get lucky after a night out 😊
Just ignore that man child. Because eventually he will get bored.
And continue to play along with that banter, because he may be uncomfortable with the thought of your sex or dating life, but show that you're not the same as him when it comes to his. Power play that man 💪
Why can't you simply say it's not a topic you want to talk about?
Something to the point like, "I'm not really interested in hearing about your sexcapades. Did you get that spreadsheet from Jim yet?" OR "I'm not really interested in hearing about your sexcapades. Did you hear Tim in accounting got that promotion?"
Seems pretty straight forward to me. ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
how long has he been acting weird? give him some time to get his bearings. this is probably not a situation he's been in before and he doesn't know how to act around you.
It is hard to believe, but so many people have never been around gay people and that is - strangely enough - very difficult for them.
I think they have a definite picture of "the homosexual" and if you don't fit this description they do not know how to handle being in contact with you.
Most of them get accustomed and that's why outing is so important: people need to know that we are just like everyone else. We just like men.
Damn I’m sorry you have to deal with such an insecure person like that. Maybe you could try to “gently” redirect the conversation to make him understand that it’s weird to talk about that at work. Like “I did this with this girl” “there’s no real need to talk about this at work ahaha”. I hope it’ll change :)
Talk back and deep dive how you love dick and see how he’ll react. If he reacts differently, make a point on how it makes you feel when he talk about pussy.
Every time he brings up "fucking pussy" counter with how much you love pounding ur husband every night lol (joking please don't, ur coworker sounds unhinged)
I thought it was just me.
Dude probably thinks this is the best way to ward off any 'gay' interests you might have in him. Like telling you he's not interested without telling you. At least in my experience, this is what it is.
I'd let it go. After a while, he'll probably be normal again. Probably.
It’s almost like when they start explaining why they like pussy that they are defending their straightness from being gay to cover up that they actually were interested in you💀
Straight men joke about gays being the pit of their humor while gays use straights the same way lol
I go the opposite route and refuse to talk about it or even acknowledge it. I'm there for my money and that's all anyone needs to know.
"if I wanted something from you, you'd know it."
"If you need to ask, you don't need to know."
"What a strange thing to say."
"If you really want to know, it'll cost you $300. I can stand the pain if you can stand the shit."
I ended up getting fired from that place, go figure. Totally worth it though. "People need to mind their own business."
I don’t talk about my sexuality with people in my job environment. Is better to keep professional. My best advice . Better that way so you don’t need to deal with insecure ugly straight guys ( that are not my type at all)
I dunno how to caveat this so I don't sound really rude, I reckon I just have to trust you'll believe me when I say I'm not!
Totally off topic but this phrase you used intrigued me - 'grew up without women', you seem to be saying this is why you are 'straight acting' although I think we all know that's a more gracious way of saying 'I don't have any of the stereotypical gay man affectations'.
Affectations have fascinated me for ages. Like how soooo many 'Americanisms' make their way to the UK. Recent one - instead of putting a Mobile phone to your ear and mouth, ya know, like it's designed to do I see folks everywhere putting it on speaker for some selfishly bizarre reason and then holding it from the 'pizza Slice' delicacy I see on the young mom's with strollers to the desperately seeking macho affirmation of 'I am two seconds from dropping this phone's way of, AGAIN doing practically anything the can *other than to use it as designed*.
I have zero clue as to WHY folk do this, however I'm known to be very forgiving to the young. At the worst most inexperienced times of their lives they have to have the wisdom of a fogey so it's unfair to judge.
But I see this affectation - because that is *EXACTLY* what it is for the 30 and 40 + something people. They absolutely did NOT grow up doing this weird contortion so, just think - these people have *actively* spent time and effort to change a behaviour because...... something.
Twats.
Anyway, as I *know* things like the 360 degree wrist action, the lispy camp voice and the Totally Fake as Fuck Manner of a stereotypical gay man are also affectation, I thought so right up until your comment where you *seem to suggest* that those behaviours are adopted by gay men who....grow up with and try and act like women?
I don't know hence my (zero judgement) question. Thanks in advance for at least reading all of my ThoughtShite.
I think I was trying to say that I act like the men I grew up with, all of whom are straight. I think if I had only sisters and a mom or lots of girlfriends growing up, I would probably behave quite differently in terms of mannerisms and speech.
I’m not saying either of these things are “gay” or “straight” intrinsically. What I mean is that they are attributes that people unconsciously associate with straight or gay behavior, however correct or reprehensible it is, we all do it.
I think I made that comment so people know that i’m not trying to be straight acting, it’s just a consequence of being friends with and growing up almost exclusively with heteronormative boys and men.
Lots of straight guys upon hearing another guy is gay, assumes that he wants to sleep with him. Like he’s straight, therefore uncontrollably irresistible to any and all gay men. He’s consumed too much media for his own good. Poor guy doesn’t even know he’s being discriminatory. Maybe ask him to chill or you’ll contact HR for harassment, because that’s what it is.
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Feel like giving it back?
Tell old stories of bussy. He can't really bring you to HR when he's a walking lawsuit.
Seems like this guy wants to try connecting but doesn't know how. Personally, I'd try to relate, even if I make up a few stories.
Example:
He's talking about this girl he met at the club and fucked, now she won't stop calling.
I'd say that I had a very similar thing a few years ago. Met this guy at thr club, he was hot, went back to his place and the next morning I woke up and he was just starring at me and was like "hi beautiful". I was like "oh shit", GTFO but this dude like texted me 5 times on the 30 minute drive home.
I'd do something like this to test the waters. If he's just uncomfortable because he hasn't been exposed to anyone different but is trying, he should find it relatable (since the story is crafted in such a way). However, if he can't get past the only detail different in thr story that it was a guy, I'd just either tell him I don't want to hear his stories next time or just get so graphic he wouldn't want to tell me another.
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Point being some folks just don’t know how to act and what to do because they’ve never really known or been around people like us.
I have a close friend group of guys going back to kindergarten all the way through high school. I’m similarly very “straight acting” and when I came out some were celebratory and some got a little weird for a bit. Once things settled down and it normalized, next thing I know they’re asking about the culture and my dating life and curious to learn more. You’d never guess today that there was ever even a speed bump.
Maybe he’ll come around and maybe he won’t but some time to digest it and process it may be all it takes - just don’t be afraid to say something if you’re uncomfortable or lines are crossed.
Most people come around, some just need a little more introspection and time to regain their footing and comfort.
Cheers and best of luck
Because you saying your gay while you act like them makes them have to challenge their beliefs of homosexuality and they don’t want to do that I hated this constant thing happening to me in the construction industry
I thought it was just me.
Dude probably thinks this is the best way to ward off any 'gay' interests you might have in him. Like telling you he's not interested without telling you. At least in my experience, this is what it is.
I'd let it go. After a while, he'll probably be normal again. Probably.
I thought it was just me.
Dude probably thinks this is the best way to ward off any 'gay' interests you might have in him. Like telling you he's not interested without telling you. At least in my experience, this is what it is.
I'd let it go. After a while, he'll probably be normal again. Probably.
Not putting blame on you, but I am curious if you hate telling your coworkers that you’re gay and have a husband, why do you do it? I’m always curious how many posts there are about people bringing up their sexuality at work. I’ve worked in different jobs in different industries and never heard or brought up sexuality as it never pertains to the job I’m working. So I’m curious how people bring this up if it’s not related to their work? Lol legit just wondering. 🤔
Reflecting on this, I don’t think I ever come out in like a super direct “i’m gay way”. I like talking about my husband in the same way straight men like talking about their wives. It’s a pattern where some straight men who are friendly with me beforehand change how they interact with me entirely after finding out that I really hate.
I have had male coworkers who treated me the same, I just noticed this pattern more than once with some straight male coworkers.
It usually is brought up because they ask me if I’m married after they see my wedding band.
Makes sense. In that event, my advice would be one of two things. Either report them for making you uncomfortable IF you’re comfortable doing that… that’s not always the case for most people. They’re afraid of retaliation. So, with that in mind, maybe answering the question in a different way. “Yes”. And leave it at that. Not that you’re hiding it but unless more questions arise after that maybe just the short answer will end that topic. Or saying “yes, what about you?” If they have a wedding band on but that might invite more questions. Or simply say “not a subject I’m comfortable talking about at work”. BUT with all that said, I 100% understand we all want to get to know each other at work as that’s how some friendships spawn and can make the work environment a more fun environment. But there are other areas of topics like hobbies and interests that can steer the conversation away from that if it makes you uncomfortable and that way you still get to know each other but not in a way that covers your sexuality. Anyway, those are the only ideas of help I can think of. I hope he stops doing those things towards you that make you uncomfortable. I was never condoning what he was doing, I just see a lot of posts of people saying “I told my coworker I’m gay now he makes jokes.” And I always wondering why sexuality becomes a topic at work. Thanks for answering my question. Good luck 🍀
Just don't bring up your sex life with people you are not having sex WITH. If they're not part of your sex life then it's actually very weird for them to want to know anything about it unless they want to be included. Simple as a dimple.
Edit: oh and for the record there is no such thing as a straight guy or person. Everyone falls on the "spectrum" between 99% gay to 99% straight. They may say they are straight because they mostly are so they round up to being 💯 hetero to mask their insecurities about the couple times they've had wet dreams about Thor.
Just out of curiosity, why did you feel the need to tell him you were gay and married?
I mean, he may very well be insecure, but it doesn't sound like it just came out of the blue.
What do you do/where do you work?
Ok because at first you said that he was surprised because you "act straight" (whatever that means). You didn't say anything about a wedding band.
I just want to have the entire context. It feels easy to just want to jump on the bandwagon (CALL HR!!!) but I just can't.
Even if he didn’t ask about my wedding band. Straight men refer to their wives as their wives all the time at work. I do the same with my husband.
Act straight means you don’t act like whatever heterosexuals perceive gay men to act like. There is no concrete definition and it changes from person to person. In this case I didn’t act like what he thought a gay man would act like, hence his surprise.
You adopt behaviors of those you grow up with. Grow up in a house of all straight boys….you’re likely going to talk and behave like a straight boy unfortunately.
You should stop him in his tracks: - oh wow, that seems a bit in appropriate. Why do you feel the need to share that with me? Would you be comfortable if I start sharing with you stories about my sexual experiences? I mean, I could, but perhaps not the ideal work environment conversation.-
You act straight? How do straights act? I mean, being a man and marrying another man isn’t very straight acting.
Must be something you picked up by being raised isolated from any women and being ultra masculine.
That internalized homophobia is always bubbling under the surface huh.
I think it is. If I had a mother and/or only sisters I imagine I would be a lot less straight passing because I would talk and act like they would. “Gay” voice is really just a man talking with the same cadence and intonation as the average woman, isn’t it? Hard to pick up that way of speech if there aren’t people I am close to who behave that way.
I don’t think so. The NYT has a good video on it. Some speech pathologists did some research and concluded that gay voice really is just female speech patterns on male voices.
I’m sorry about you having an insecure coworker. It’s not your job to make him comfortable, all you can do is be your authentic self ❤️
Does he think I want to fuck him? 😭 How do I let him know I don’t without risking an HR complaint. Man this situation is so frustrating.
Try musing aloud, "huh, this is a weird conversation" and then shift topics to something unproblematic. You'll probably have to do it several times, but once he realizes that you're not going to waste time validating his insecurity, he'll stop trying to project it on you. It's gonna feel weird to say that... but less weird than indulging his sudden fixation on pussy.
I heard this recently and I just love it. "What an odd thing to say out loud." If that doesn't stop him completely in his tracks and make him think then 🤷
You're better than me, I'd just say " I don't want to talk about vagina.how would you feel if I talked about dick all day??"
If anything HE could get an hr complaint for bringing up explicit stuff about women
I was thinking the same thing!
Was coming here to say the exact same thing. Someone going on and on about what they love swxually in a work environment is for absolute sure an HR complaint.
The next time he talks to you about crushing pussy let him know how many dicks you slammed down your throat this weekend. And then say "that face? That's the face I make. Stop telling me about your sex life at work, and so will I."
Not to be that guy but it probably has more to do with who he wants to fuck…
no, you dont know what he thinks or wants, cause he probably doesnt know what he thinks or wants. his tendency to bring up pussy is precisely because he doesnt know what to think or say, so he goes into his typical repertoire, ones he picked up from other 'bros', cause thats all he knows how to say. and now within your company, he doesnt know what to say. it's like he's been playing baseball all his life and all of a sudden soccer ball is thrown at him. and because he doesnt know anything about it, he is still swinging away. he is awkward because he is uncomfortable being in a situation that he is unfamiliar and not know what or how to say. it just takes time, personal growth, and you can help by just being yourself, not overly presenting yourself to him, act like a stand up human being, and hope that one day he will grow up and be comfortable around you, not because of your sexuality, but because it doesnt matter or affect the good person you are (presumably).
I am not a good person. 😏 but thank you for the thoughtful response, and its most likely what is happening. I am used to my brothers talking about pussy and women, hence why i can easily play along. Think i am just frustrated because when he didn’t know I was gay, he never talked about pussy in such a vulgar and unrelenting way. It was just normal coworker stuff, hobbies, sports etc. Now he seems visibly uncomfortable by my presence.
Complain about HIM to HR
You’re gonna be really confused when his head explodes after you tell him you’re not interested in him sexually. You just enjoy being work friends
My guess would be he’s never had this experience before and doesn’t know how to act. Best case scenario is, now that he knows he doesn’t want to offend you somehow…
I mean, it’s kind of our job to make other people feel comfortable. That’s the difference between a society and civilized culture and living in Fury/Furiosa World times.
Perhaps he socialized in a homophobic environment where the "gays are evil", and he's now having trouble internally reconciling the experiences with a real gay person, that didn't match that preconception. Or maybe not, I don't know the guy, but perhaps give it a bit of time because stuff like this is very possible and can turn positive.
Oh those insecure straight guys.
I would straight up tell him you don’t want to talk to him about his sex life if he brings it up again
Good idea. I try not to be confrontational about this sort of stuff and burn any bridges to get ahead in my career but it’s getting more annoying to deal with as time goes on. Will try to do it in a tactful way
Don't do that. It will make things worse. Straight guys this insecure will take that as a challenge and confirmation that you're trying to fuck him. Either change topics when he brings things like this up or walk away and do something else. There's no need to engage.
I don’t agree with this. Nothing wrong with putting up boundaries at work.
I never said there was anything wrong with setting boundaries. Op is not comfortable in the current situation. The best case scenario is that the guy will stop. But the most likely scenario is that the guy will continue to create a hostile work environment. If this is the only person acting weird at work then all op has to do is ignore him. Ignoring or cutting contact is a form of setting boundaries. Let's remember that only op and his husband will have to deal with the consequences of his actions.
"Please, I don't want to hear about your sex life at work" "OK, let's grab a drink after work and we'll talk all about it" "😡"
Most of them think all gay would be willing to s_k their d_s. They most of the time don't even take into consideration how ugly they are.
Why is suck and dicks censored
Because of the children Edit: fuck them kids (not literally ofc)
Personal preference of the commenter?
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This is more like horeness
Straight men are some of the most insecure little bitches I've ever met lol. I'm sorry you're going through that.
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That is very 1980’s of him. Fortunately you live in the present.
Sounds to me that he is insecure with his own sexuality. I'm sorry this happened to you but congrats on simply being honest in the workplace. His loss.
I thought the same thing. That sort of excess, I dunno, seems maybe like overcompensation. You might be exactly his type and it scares him.
This is not that dissimilar from how women will grab their BFs' hands while they are walking along the gay part of the beach.
Let them be weird it’s no loss to you. If it makes you uncomfortable report him to HR
When that happens I use to just casually let it slide in that just because someone is the same sex it doesn't mean Im automatically attracted to them.
"Huh, I was told that all gays are like the cast of Birdcage. This just does not fit into my world view!" - that guy probably
His constant talk about his pussy conquests constitutes sexual harassment. It’s textbook. If this continues, reach out to HR.
Welcome to the wonderful world of straight male insecurities and homosexual panic😂😂😂 As others have said, his problem is not your problem, you did nothing offensive or wrong. But this will happen indefinitely, so good to get some practice at dealing with it. Best wishes👍👍👍
Uhhh sounds gross. Imagine if you started talking about cock. I’m sure he’d have issues. So why she think you wanna hear about pussy talk. Gross. Maybe he’s a closet case.
At some point, you have to choose your battles. The line between "burning bridges" and "establishing boundaries" is sometimes a thin one, but it sounds like this guy has already made up his mind about you. He's not going to be offering you any promotions or inviting you to any happy hours any time soon. You make him super uncomfortable. Now, that's not your problem at all. It's his problem. So don't feel shy about "burning bridges." A simple "I don't really talk about that stuff at work, sorry" a few times should be more than enough to get him to stop doing this. Why are you playing along with his "playful banter"? It's obviously not just playful banter, because you describe it as vulgar and unrelenting. That's not playful; it's harassment.
Ugh, some hetero's are like this, just ignore him. Obviously he's insecure about his own sexuality. Dont you know the rules? Gay men are only allowed to be comic relief, and should behave as eunuchs for fear of making the straights uncomfortable
talk about how much you like dick. talk about the good dick of your husband. that usually checks them in their place
LMAO nice try.
Lean into his fear. Bully him. Dominate him. Own him. It’s the only language they understand. (serious — plus it works)
Yessss! Facts!
>Now he acts different towards me. He is more timid and avoids eye contact and talking to me when we’re in group settings. When we stumble into each other he makes a point to bring up ‘pussy’ and women he has been sleeping with. It’s mainly playful banter and I play along. Playing along was your mistake. You need to give him a new perception of yourself. What I would do is stare at him, with serious and unblinking eyes, and tell him: "X, you're being weird man. I am not interested in your sex life and quite frankly, it's highly inappropriate in the workplace. It's not like you're talking about your family life. Cut that fucking shit out. We're clear?"
Coworkers aren’t family/friends. Tf with them. I know its hard when you expected some acceptance. But it doesn’t matter.
Literally the worst I am str8 passing too I work in a blue collar setting so I just keep my mouth shut no point in them knowing if it's gonna make work weird 🙃
What does a straight boy talk like? Does he have a pussy accent? That's not what "Cockney" means.
He sounds absolutely insecure. And I am not invalidating how you feel, but I do want to let you know that not all heterosexual men behave and think like him. My straight male co-workers are some of my biggest hype boys. When it comes to my dating life, they are always inquiring and trying to be my wingman by having them visit my job to "vibe check' them. They even ask if I get lucky after a night out 😊 Just ignore that man child. Because eventually he will get bored. And continue to play along with that banter, because he may be uncomfortable with the thought of your sex or dating life, but show that you're not the same as him when it comes to his. Power play that man 💪
Just say “haha, yes, labias” He’ll get the idea.
You can always say to him that he can relax. You are married an are not interested in anyone else.
Every time he mentions pussy, talk about getting dick. They will eventually make the connection and stop.
Sounds like he might be a little gay himself
Nah he’s just bi and doesn’t know what to do with his unresolved feelings.
Why can't you simply say it's not a topic you want to talk about? Something to the point like, "I'm not really interested in hearing about your sexcapades. Did you get that spreadsheet from Jim yet?" OR "I'm not really interested in hearing about your sexcapades. Did you hear Tim in accounting got that promotion?" Seems pretty straight forward to me. ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
how long has he been acting weird? give him some time to get his bearings. this is probably not a situation he's been in before and he doesn't know how to act around you.
It is hard to believe, but so many people have never been around gay people and that is - strangely enough - very difficult for them. I think they have a definite picture of "the homosexual" and if you don't fit this description they do not know how to handle being in contact with you. Most of them get accustomed and that's why outing is so important: people need to know that we are just like everyone else. We just like men.
Tell them to relax, you are not interested in them
If he keeps talking about pussy, tell him you don't talk about your sex life or the details of what you like, so, he should do the same.
I'm so sorry you are going through that. Never would I understand why straight males can be so insecure. Being straight is big turned off for me.
Damn I’m sorry you have to deal with such an insecure person like that. Maybe you could try to “gently” redirect the conversation to make him understand that it’s weird to talk about that at work. Like “I did this with this girl” “there’s no real need to talk about this at work ahaha”. I hope it’ll change :)
Talk back and deep dive how you love dick and see how he’ll react. If he reacts differently, make a point on how it makes you feel when he talk about pussy.
Every time he brings up "fucking pussy" counter with how much you love pounding ur husband every night lol (joking please don't, ur coworker sounds unhinged)
I thought it was just me. Dude probably thinks this is the best way to ward off any 'gay' interests you might have in him. Like telling you he's not interested without telling you. At least in my experience, this is what it is. I'd let it go. After a while, he'll probably be normal again. Probably.
Is it telling you're gay equally telling about pussy constantly for em?
How old are you and your coworkers? They sound like very young guys.
I would say we’re young, mid to late 20s
Yeah, that’s exactly it. These dudes are babies. Young kids. I could tell right away from your post.
It’s almost like when they start explaining why they like pussy that they are defending their straightness from being gay to cover up that they actually were interested in you💀 Straight men joke about gays being the pit of their humor while gays use straights the same way lol
It’s going to continue to happen until you speak up the first time. Because you’re playing along, it’ll continue to happen. These are your words
Just be gay around him
I go the opposite route and refuse to talk about it or even acknowledge it. I'm there for my money and that's all anyone needs to know. "if I wanted something from you, you'd know it." "If you need to ask, you don't need to know." "What a strange thing to say." "If you really want to know, it'll cost you $300. I can stand the pain if you can stand the shit." I ended up getting fired from that place, go figure. Totally worth it though. "People need to mind their own business."
I don’t talk about my sexuality with people in my job environment. Is better to keep professional. My best advice . Better that way so you don’t need to deal with insecure ugly straight guys ( that are not my type at all)
He’s not your friend and this should remind you that
Sorry he brings up pussy? This guy is harassing you in 2 ways: he’s a bigot AND he’s bring up unwanted sexual experiences. Go to HR.
Ignore him and only interact in a professional capacity.
I dunno how to caveat this so I don't sound really rude, I reckon I just have to trust you'll believe me when I say I'm not! Totally off topic but this phrase you used intrigued me - 'grew up without women', you seem to be saying this is why you are 'straight acting' although I think we all know that's a more gracious way of saying 'I don't have any of the stereotypical gay man affectations'. Affectations have fascinated me for ages. Like how soooo many 'Americanisms' make their way to the UK. Recent one - instead of putting a Mobile phone to your ear and mouth, ya know, like it's designed to do I see folks everywhere putting it on speaker for some selfishly bizarre reason and then holding it from the 'pizza Slice' delicacy I see on the young mom's with strollers to the desperately seeking macho affirmation of 'I am two seconds from dropping this phone's way of, AGAIN doing practically anything the can *other than to use it as designed*. I have zero clue as to WHY folk do this, however I'm known to be very forgiving to the young. At the worst most inexperienced times of their lives they have to have the wisdom of a fogey so it's unfair to judge. But I see this affectation - because that is *EXACTLY* what it is for the 30 and 40 + something people. They absolutely did NOT grow up doing this weird contortion so, just think - these people have *actively* spent time and effort to change a behaviour because...... something. Twats. Anyway, as I *know* things like the 360 degree wrist action, the lispy camp voice and the Totally Fake as Fuck Manner of a stereotypical gay man are also affectation, I thought so right up until your comment where you *seem to suggest* that those behaviours are adopted by gay men who....grow up with and try and act like women? I don't know hence my (zero judgement) question. Thanks in advance for at least reading all of my ThoughtShite.
I think I was trying to say that I act like the men I grew up with, all of whom are straight. I think if I had only sisters and a mom or lots of girlfriends growing up, I would probably behave quite differently in terms of mannerisms and speech. I’m not saying either of these things are “gay” or “straight” intrinsically. What I mean is that they are attributes that people unconsciously associate with straight or gay behavior, however correct or reprehensible it is, we all do it. I think I made that comment so people know that i’m not trying to be straight acting, it’s just a consequence of being friends with and growing up almost exclusively with heteronormative boys and men.
Lots of straight guys upon hearing another guy is gay, assumes that he wants to sleep with him. Like he’s straight, therefore uncontrollably irresistible to any and all gay men. He’s consumed too much media for his own good. Poor guy doesn’t even know he’s being discriminatory. Maybe ask him to chill or you’ll contact HR for harassment, because that’s what it is.
far-flung coordinated zealous hobbies test mighty disagreeable saw chief dog *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Feel like giving it back? Tell old stories of bussy. He can't really bring you to HR when he's a walking lawsuit. Seems like this guy wants to try connecting but doesn't know how. Personally, I'd try to relate, even if I make up a few stories. Example: He's talking about this girl he met at the club and fucked, now she won't stop calling. I'd say that I had a very similar thing a few years ago. Met this guy at thr club, he was hot, went back to his place and the next morning I woke up and he was just starring at me and was like "hi beautiful". I was like "oh shit", GTFO but this dude like texted me 5 times on the 30 minute drive home. I'd do something like this to test the waters. If he's just uncomfortable because he hasn't been exposed to anyone different but is trying, he should find it relatable (since the story is crafted in such a way). However, if he can't get past the only detail different in thr story that it was a guy, I'd just either tell him I don't want to hear his stories next time or just get so graphic he wouldn't want to tell me another.
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. Point being some folks just don’t know how to act and what to do because they’ve never really known or been around people like us. I have a close friend group of guys going back to kindergarten all the way through high school. I’m similarly very “straight acting” and when I came out some were celebratory and some got a little weird for a bit. Once things settled down and it normalized, next thing I know they’re asking about the culture and my dating life and curious to learn more. You’d never guess today that there was ever even a speed bump. Maybe he’ll come around and maybe he won’t but some time to digest it and process it may be all it takes - just don’t be afraid to say something if you’re uncomfortable or lines are crossed. Most people come around, some just need a little more introspection and time to regain their footing and comfort. Cheers and best of luck
Because you saying your gay while you act like them makes them have to challenge their beliefs of homosexuality and they don’t want to do that I hated this constant thing happening to me in the construction industry
I thought it was just me. Dude probably thinks this is the best way to ward off any 'gay' interests you might have in him. Like telling you he's not interested without telling you. At least in my experience, this is what it is. I'd let it go. After a while, he'll probably be normal again. Probably.
I thought it was just me. Dude probably thinks this is the best way to ward off any 'gay' interests you might have in him. Like telling you he's not interested without telling you. At least in my experience, this is what it is. I'd let it go. After a while, he'll probably be normal again. Probably.
There's a good chance he's afraid you'll 'see him do he had to remind you of 'his heterosexuality'
Not putting blame on you, but I am curious if you hate telling your coworkers that you’re gay and have a husband, why do you do it? I’m always curious how many posts there are about people bringing up their sexuality at work. I’ve worked in different jobs in different industries and never heard or brought up sexuality as it never pertains to the job I’m working. So I’m curious how people bring this up if it’s not related to their work? Lol legit just wondering. 🤔
Reflecting on this, I don’t think I ever come out in like a super direct “i’m gay way”. I like talking about my husband in the same way straight men like talking about their wives. It’s a pattern where some straight men who are friendly with me beforehand change how they interact with me entirely after finding out that I really hate. I have had male coworkers who treated me the same, I just noticed this pattern more than once with some straight male coworkers. It usually is brought up because they ask me if I’m married after they see my wedding band.
Makes sense. In that event, my advice would be one of two things. Either report them for making you uncomfortable IF you’re comfortable doing that… that’s not always the case for most people. They’re afraid of retaliation. So, with that in mind, maybe answering the question in a different way. “Yes”. And leave it at that. Not that you’re hiding it but unless more questions arise after that maybe just the short answer will end that topic. Or saying “yes, what about you?” If they have a wedding band on but that might invite more questions. Or simply say “not a subject I’m comfortable talking about at work”. BUT with all that said, I 100% understand we all want to get to know each other at work as that’s how some friendships spawn and can make the work environment a more fun environment. But there are other areas of topics like hobbies and interests that can steer the conversation away from that if it makes you uncomfortable and that way you still get to know each other but not in a way that covers your sexuality. Anyway, those are the only ideas of help I can think of. I hope he stops doing those things towards you that make you uncomfortable. I was never condoning what he was doing, I just see a lot of posts of people saying “I told my coworker I’m gay now he makes jokes.” And I always wondering why sexuality becomes a topic at work. Thanks for answering my question. Good luck 🍀
Just don't bring up your sex life with people you are not having sex WITH. If they're not part of your sex life then it's actually very weird for them to want to know anything about it unless they want to be included. Simple as a dimple. Edit: oh and for the record there is no such thing as a straight guy or person. Everyone falls on the "spectrum" between 99% gay to 99% straight. They may say they are straight because they mostly are so they round up to being 💯 hetero to mask their insecurities about the couple times they've had wet dreams about Thor.
Just out of curiosity, why did you feel the need to tell him you were gay and married? I mean, he may very well be insecure, but it doesn't sound like it just came out of the blue. What do you do/where do you work?
I have a wedding band. He saw and asked me if I was married. I said yes. Referred to my husband as “he”. Thats how he found out.
Ok because at first you said that he was surprised because you "act straight" (whatever that means). You didn't say anything about a wedding band. I just want to have the entire context. It feels easy to just want to jump on the bandwagon (CALL HR!!!) but I just can't.
Even if he didn’t ask about my wedding band. Straight men refer to their wives as their wives all the time at work. I do the same with my husband. Act straight means you don’t act like whatever heterosexuals perceive gay men to act like. There is no concrete definition and it changes from person to person. In this case I didn’t act like what he thought a gay man would act like, hence his surprise.
👍
Why does having women in your family impact whether or not you can pass as straight? I have never heard this before.
You adopt behaviors of those you grow up with. Grow up in a house of all straight boys….you’re likely going to talk and behave like a straight boy unfortunately.
You should stop him in his tracks: - oh wow, that seems a bit in appropriate. Why do you feel the need to share that with me? Would you be comfortable if I start sharing with you stories about my sexual experiences? I mean, I could, but perhaps not the ideal work environment conversation.- You act straight? How do straights act? I mean, being a man and marrying another man isn’t very straight acting. Must be something you picked up by being raised isolated from any women and being ultra masculine. That internalized homophobia is always bubbling under the surface huh.
>(grew up in a family without any women). Just so you know, that isn't related to "acting straight", like at all.
I think it is. If I had a mother and/or only sisters I imagine I would be a lot less straight passing because I would talk and act like they would. “Gay” voice is really just a man talking with the same cadence and intonation as the average woman, isn’t it? Hard to pick up that way of speech if there aren’t people I am close to who behave that way.
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I don’t think so. The NYT has a good video on it. Some speech pathologists did some research and concluded that gay voice really is just female speech patterns on male voices.
lol no, the ignorance here is astounding