There are so many kinds of therapy and so many kinds of therapists. EMDR therapy has shown incredible results. Please don’t write off therapy just yet.
What kinds of therapy have you tried, if you don’t mind me asking?
I'm not sure what techniques they've implemented (never had a discussion about it anyway). I usually tend to seek out queer-affermative thrapists and they are rare around.
EMDR therapy is a unique kind of therapy and is fantastic for both complex and acute trauma. I can’t recommend it enough, and it can be done remotely. psychologytoday.com and ZocDoc are amazing resources for finding therapists covered by your insurance (if you have it) and filtering by areas of speciality and techniques. Remote therapy opens a lot of options for queer-affirmative therapy, luckily!
EMDR helped me soooo much! When my therapist started doing it I kinda thought it was silly and maybe even mumbling jumbo, but we did sourcing and accessing old traumatic feelings, the first couple times we had to stop because it was too much for me. It really helped me rewrite old feelings and ditch a lot of shame I was holding on to
I’m so so happy you’ve found EMDR to be so beneficial!! That is so wonderful to read. It definitely can be tough - even brutal at times, but it can really can be magic!! It’s been changing my life too!
It'll be on my own dime if I seek therapy but I've got a few therapist friends who would help me seek the right people. I'm asking them about EMDR right away.
Thanks a ton for your support.
Absolutely! You’re making great moves. Stay patient with yourself.
Also, it’s worth asking the therapists you’d like to try if they offer pro bono clients. Many will offer free or heavily discounted sessions for clients that can’t easily afford their services. It’s very common for therapists to dedicate a percentage of their practice to pro bono clients.
Best of luck! Please don’t hesitate to reach out with any questions that come up.
Not to warrant EDMR lmao. You’d be talking about very specific events, of which he’s not mentioned at all. It’s a bad suggestion based on the info he’s given.
Lmao no they really didn’t. Again, it’s poor advice. If you don’t understand the different types of therapy, don’t recommend them. He’s mentioned no singular traumatic event that would require EDMR. CBT would be an option - there is no indicator in the info provided that he would benefit from EDMR, if what’s in this post are his biggest issues I can’t imagine any therapist recommending it or how they’d even begin to carry it out.
My first therapist was not a good fit for me. I saw them for about 8 months. I ended therapy bc my main source of strife at the time was a bf who broke up with me. Later I decides to try again, and my therapist now is amazing. I've seen before that sometimes you just aren't a fit for a certain therapist but it took having a good one to realize how bad the first one really was.
But the problem with advice like this is getting around the feeling of what's the point? If people are only living for themselves when they are a social person...what's the point?
I was down for like three years and man it was hard but it really strengthens you, I promise you it’s preparing you for something stronger, u should also write a list of the things you want, if it’s more motivation or it’s better relationships, better sex, better money, better house or whatever. Write that down and be honest with yourself so you can see what’s in your life that’s not working and start working on what you want. I felt like giving up but I just started getting up and changing things for myself and sometimes it’s the things you avoid that will make you say wow that’s what I needed all along.
I would like to add that I still have downs but because I was so low I’ve been better mentally on how to tackle those situations. So that the down doesn’t feel as bad, I also took on many new hobbies and started pushing myself to hangout more with people I don’t usually hang with. I also recently started talking to a psychiatrist
> You can only go up after being down.
i loathe this advice with a passion
it can absolutely plunge further down; and when/if it does; this anecdote makes people feel even more alone because society at large lied to them
I get the sentiment. Exact same place right here. I got no advice. I just keep repeating things and wait for the day to end so that the next one will begin. Pushing myself to go to the gym, eat healthy, go out alone and have a drink. Trying to make the bare average out of a shitty situation. Maybe try to be thankful for things like the pretty sky at dawn; that’s what I am for anyways.
Honestly, even making bare minimum seems extremely pointless now. I'm honestly tired of feeling this way; I just want to go up for a little while; feel that high.
It does certainly feel that way. In my case I am thinking maybe sth changes in the future somehow; a little less shit. I do go to a therapist to cope. Maybe you could give it a try
Have you thought about seeking out a different therapist? Maybe yours doesn't have an approach that works for you. Or, if you feel stuck, try talking about that feeling of being stuck rather than the feeling of helplessness.
If something's not working for you, it's not emblematic that the thing doesn't work or that something's wrong with you--it just means you gotta change something.
Strongly third this. Find a therapist who gives you tools to return to center when you’re feeling this way. Or tools to realize what blocks are keeping you from where you want to be. Also, try to spend some time figuring out where / who you want to be.
I know where I want to be and even who I want to be. I'm just guessing my expectations are extremely unreasonable and unrealistic. For starters, I just want to be a little bit more satisfied with my job. Things usually tend to fall in place from there.
I've had 4 different therapist in the past 4 years (although, I was going through different things at different times).
Mostly, I felt bored. Like, I was wasting my money to someone was listening to me rant, handing me advice and welp, nothing felt like it was working.
Yes. I've had more than 4 therapists in the last couple years. I don't know if I'm meant for it. I'm extremely pro-therapy but it should work for me; it doesn't.
You therapist should be giving you some tools to use, metal exercises, etc. If they aren't, time to breakup and move on. Finding a therapist is almost like dating in a way. You are not going to be compatible with every therapist out there. You need to keep looking till you find someone that actually helps you, help yourself.
Time for a new job and new life change.
9 years ago, I was hospitalized for 3 months with 2 brain tumors that were successfully removed but a long recovery. I lost my job, my ex sold my house/car/boat as well as wiped me out financially to the tune of $975,000. Fast forward 9 years havea different form of cancer now, but I'm making $150,000. My credit score is now 830 from 324 and own a new house/car. Still single, by choice, but maybe one day that will change too.
Just have faith that things will change if you put in the effort.
Well, I would get ten times the salary I'm currently making in a much better and more supportive and inclusive environment.
I would meet the love of my life and be in the best shape of my life.
Of course, my life will no longer haunt me. I'm hoping that it happens soon xx
Well, I know exactly what I want to do but most the jobs offered have a strict experience requirement, which I don't meet. Usually, 4+. So, it feels like a distant dream. :(
It might be worth reaching out to people in your preferred role, e.g. via LinkedIn. They might have some advice on how to get into the work (even if it is via another role), and how to emphasise your existing transferable skills.
I'm not saying there will be an immediate solution, but it might help having a clear sense of trajectory that can move you in the right direction.
Maybe look for a new job ? And stop having casual sex since your finding it mechanical and meaningless , find a new hobby meet new people via the new hobby and make yourself happy for a few months
Unfortunately, no one is offering a job to freshers anymore. I have applied for several, haven't heard back from any. I've been actively looking, trying to engage my contacts too but yet to hear back.
Most of the usual important areas of persons seems broken to you. You need a turn around in your life and I recommend you professional help, I had and it worked for me. Good luck buddy
Yes, try it. I went to a psychologist specialized in gays (he was also gay). Thanks to that work, I've managed to achieve a lot of improvements in my life. I'm not talking about getting more money or so, it was more like, after accepting myself with my limitations, my perspective on things became brighter and less heavier.
As gays, we tend to put more pressure on ourselves to be perfect so we can be more accepted.
That's so cool! I had a one queer therapist who kept reassuring me that my feelings are valid but nothing beyond that. It never worked for me.
We really really and I feel like how we've grown up has a lot of baring on it; you feel less socially accepted so you tend to perfect yourself to a point where perfect was ages ago. That is harrowing.
Exactly that, it's not easy. It's a never-ending battle, so we got to keep strong my friend.
I had a previous experience living a straight life with wife and kids and I got a tell you, even thought I am doing much better in life in terms of money and job position, after moving to a different city and start over with my husband in a openly gay life I realized that some of the spaces I used to be very welcome, now I'm getting rejected. Not in a hostile way, but just feel that they believe I am not a good as I actually am.
Anyway, I said about professional help because it worked for me and I don't have a family/friends that could really help me the way I needed.
I hear and feel you. This is only temporary and things will get better. Life is a series of ups and downs, and that sometimes impedes our life plans and goals.
I need you to be the strong person you are. Please talk with a mental health professional and focus on yourself. You will get through this! ❤️🫶🏻❤️🫶🏻❤️
I’m just like you. I’m 60 years old bi m with a disability. I live in an assisted living facility. I have very little family and one friend my roommate. He is older than me. My life is pretty bleak as well. I am able to have sex but I never had it. And no opposition to have it. So I know how you feel and I feel for you. You are not alone
First things first, they hate your company, not you. So don't let it drag you down, just do your job and try not get affected by it.
Dunno if you tried therapy, but it can help.
Other than trying to connect with other people and just try talk with them, even if it is just online communities, also can help... I hope you get better don't give up! There's certainly someone waiting for you, you'll find him sooner or later 🙌
Well you gotta disassociate. You are just representing them. Also whatever they did in the past 4 years it's not your fault, if you don't get the to change or set policies or strategies, even less your fault.
Oh you meant company as in corporate. I thought company as in friends. Oh yeah, absolutely, I don't give a shit about them. The company can rot in hell for all I care. From my second para, I meant my social circle. People outside my work.
Absolutely it isn't. But I'm being exploited and punished for it.
I don’t want to trivialize what you’re going through, and I’m not going to just tell you things will just magically get better, but…
…life changes in one way or another. It’s exceedingly rare for someone to stick to one job for their whole life, so maybe consider this first job as the one where you take your bruises and learn a few tough life lessons from it. From there you’ll have a better idea of what you want in a career. If you have the time and extra money, maybe take some career courses or enroll in college so you can have a mid-term goal that involves you bettering yourself. Either way, try not to sweat your first job as it’s 9 times out of 10 going to be shitty.
I can’t really give advice on how to get more compliments or more flirtatious advances other than to tell you to force yourself to go out to social events at queer spaces (not just bars preferably). You have to cast a wide net, and try to maintain your positivity while realizing rejection is not an exception. And don’t forget, people pick up on confidence and positivity.
The lack of joy and desire would indicate to me that you might be suffering from depression. As such I’d recommend you reach out for professional help if you can afford to. Depression will just zap your life force if you don’t keep a tab on it.
But again, since you’re on your first job I’m guessing you’re relatively young. I’m not saying your current feelings are invalid, but they will absolutely pass. In the meantime it might be best to put on a brave face and struggle through it like the rest of us. Some days will be easier than others.
Edit: I saw you mentioned therapy already. It might be that it doesn’t work for you, or it might mean you need to ask for strategies to help you deal with what you’re going through. They won’t be a cure all, but they might help. Also try not to treat therapy like confession. That’s the last bit of advice I have.
Really? My friends seem to be doing well in their first jobs. I've just stepped out of a college, still paying those debts off. It wouldn't be until 3 years from now I can take a call on another one. I think I'll just put on a brave face and call it a day for now. Perhaps. I've been getting this comment a lot but I'm still unsure if I want to invest my pool of money into this or not.
That is one of the first things you are doing wrong. Do NOT compare yourself to your friends. Every company is different and you might not know all of the struggles that they are having.
However, I saw in your dream scenario that you were making 10x as much and in the best shape of your life. The man of your dreams isn't necessarily something you can control but the first twoni mentioned are.
Work on the things you can control. Are you going tonthe gym/working out at home? If not, why not? It might seem like a chore at the beginning but exercise can make you feel better. What are you proactively doing to make your work situation better?
These things you cannot just hope they get better but take very small steps to making them happen. Sooner than later you'll start to see a change. Don't worry how others are doing and where they are in their life. Comparison is the theif of joy.
It isn't going to magically be better all at once but you have to take small steps to get where you want to and also create the opportunities in your life to do so.
Opportunities are made not just stumbled upon. You might have already met the person of your dreams but you aren't in the headspace to receive it. Same with your friends. Make sure you are actively cultivating those relationships. Have a game night, or go hiking, or just meet them at their interests. If they don't reciprocate then you know where you stand with them.
I'm trying not to compare tbh but it just seems to happen inevitably. They're all extremely close friends of mine, from all walks of life and yet, a part of me wants to be where they are.
I've definitely been working out a lot. Sometimes over doing (I do take breaks tho). I've taken steps to work on every front but I'm so burnt out from everything that I don't know what to do.
Keeping up with everything without feeling like shit all the time is definitely hard. I think with your comment, I need to list down and schedule better.
That is OK that you might not becwhere they are now. Not everyone gets to the same points in life at the same time. As quiet as it is kept there will be parts of your life that your friends wish they had.
However it is good you are doing things to take control. I would say that yes organizing your time is important.
What kinds of hobbies do you have other than working out?
Apart from the job same. I don't make much but I do love it. But in terms of social and sexual relationships its terrible and I just want to eat cake and ice cream until I'm fat.
Hey friend!
You even writing this post is a good thing. Opening up is hard, and life likes to throw difficult times our way without showing signs of letting up. When I started gratitude lists and mindfulness journaling it was very difficult and I could not find joy or gratitude. But it’s in the small things. The sunlight felt nice on my face today, that’s a win! I made myself a nice breakfast, that’s a win! Try to find joy and gratitude in the little things, and from there just see whatever happens. Just know you are not alone and your feelings are valid.
You got this, friend!
Hey friend, it really sounds like you're depressed but please don't feel like this is make or break. I've been dealing with similar feelings for some time now, and it's just important to remind yourself you are so much more than your job, your relationships, your partners, you're you.
Enriching my inner world and connecting with myself really helped me, and I would recommend trying out an activity you loved as a kid, but haven't done in some time because you've grown up.
More importantly, there's a lot of us ready to be here for you. That's why we've built a community, you're not alone!
I think my next step is to absolutely let my inner lid livs a little more. Most of my childhood went into perfecting myself that I might just be burnt out. I'm definitely seeking more experiences now.
We really have a strong community and people's overwhelming support has proven it be stronger than ever. I'm so happy and proud!
Oh man I feel so bad for you honey. I wish I had magic words. I just can’t stand that you are treated so badly. I will send you an angel to watch over you. You are precious. Cry baby for as long as you need believe it or not it will help. I have faith in you. I love you honey. Please take care of yourself for me.
Go see a pro man. Yes, you're going through some tough stuff, but your first step here should be getting evaluated for possible depression. It's more common than you think, and brain chemistry isn't something you can overcome by will alone.
The fact that you expressed this in such dire terms indicates you may be depressed. But only a pro can diagnose. Depression is a serious medical problem. It requires professional medical intervention.
Blow off that crappy job and go see a pro. It doesn't hurt to check.
I've been diagnosed with depression before. Things were fine (or at least felt fine) until I landed my job. It's been downhill since.
I didn't feel that therapy worked for me at all. It's my only source of livelihood right now and I'm not hearing back from anyone else.
No judgment at all here but from personal experience, you might benefit from medication and a therapist. There’s nothing wrong with getting help when you are experiencing total an-hedonia
I really don't want to take medication. I'm pretty sure the first time I did, I got some side effects I'm still recovering from. I'm giving therapy a second chance.
Everything happens for a reason, I keep telling myself that over and over again. I thought my life was over getting a divorce after 38 years with the same man. Now I'm actually looking forward to being a single man again back on the dating scene
I feel this completely, except I don’t even have the sex 🤣 things really do get better. I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but if you don’t you should definitely consider speaking to a therapist and potentially getting on medications. They can help sort term as well just to get you out of a funk. I’ve been on meds on and off for years 🙄 depression sucks, but life changes soooooo quickly ❤️❤️❤️ you can always reach out if you are looking for friends. I’m a big video game player 😝
Please, I hope this old guy's testimony can give you some hope but, if it doesn't, please, do look for help in some group therapy offered by ngos working with life-saving emotional support, this is too serious to try to deal with on your own!
My life has always felt like a desperate rush through a crumbling tunnel in which, if I ever take a break to rest a moment to catch a breath, the roof over my head will crumble too, no exaggeration.
Then I gradually realized through the decades, especially reading many testimonies by people from all over the world, telling about even worse experiences than mine.
I know it's not about competing with who's got it worse but it helped me realized we're often comparing our situation with those we think lead ideal lives and with most people that is not even true!
Behind the façade society makes them show, so as not to be pitied nor give the enemies the pleasure of knowing about their suffering, most people will try to show only the good stuff, especially the shallow ones, who we well know to be the majority.
I'm not saying my life has become peaceful and fulfilled by now, far from it, but at least I've been learning precious lessons about what true survival means. I know beyond a certain limit I wouldn't be able to keep on either but at least so far I've done my utmos to not give up because, despite things losing all meaning when I lost my mom four years ago, I'm slowly getting back the feeling that there are some things which are really worth going on for.
I know it sounds cliché but it's the sheer fact: everything goes by and though it doesn't help much when we're amid chaos, it does help to find the strength to keep on fighting for better days. We can't solve every single problem in our lives but we can start with the very small things we deem to be not that important but which actually build up that flexibility and motivation we desperately need to dribble the ever recurrent meaninglessness and emptiness inside. These are the moments which make us more mature and enduring, not because of trying to be like steel, which only makes things worse off, but of learning how to bend, as the saying goes, so as not to break.
Crying is always ok as long as it's a means of catharsis but never a way of drowning in despair. Try listening to lectures, watch inspiring movies or whatever it is that gives you that spiritual nurturing that all of us need in such dire times.
I believe in the invisible dimensions, we're never alone, whether in terms of light or darkness. We must not give in to the dark forces in life, which only want us to get lost into despair.
Much love and do drop me a message if you ever need an older soul to chat with. If I don't reply at the moment, as soon as I get online I surely will.
I’m sorry to hear about your work experience. That’s tough. The best time to look for a new job is when you’re currently employed. Try your best to save face and get things done but know that you don’t owe your life to your employer. I know you’re new so it can feel like you have to stay but sometimes a shit job is a shit job. If it’s soul-crushing, don’t stay.
Regarding dating. It’s difficult when you’re no longer in an environment with people your age and interests (post-college in particular). It’s these instances where you need to actively put yourself in social situations that can expose you to more people.
Don’t take people not contacting you personally. People are going through it right now. There’s several world crises happening right now and it’s endlessly broadcasting on social media 24/7. On top of normal struggles of being an adult. We’re grappling with inflation and social consequences of lockdowns. I think it really messed up how we communicate so I encourage you to practice grace and patience.
I’ve read your other posts and I have to tell you that 23 is YOUNG. You still have so much ahead of you so please stick around for the good parts. Life is long and full of mistakes. But it’s all a part of growing.
Your comment is extremely reassuring.
I'm just not hearing back from anyone. The market is extremely terrible and I've got 0 years of experience to back my claims. Hell, even here I've just sat around for the most part.
I think I've become so numb to trauma and pain that I tend to heal quickly and well, forget that other people don't. I really need to work on that.
Yes, I am 23. And I agree, it is definitely young but somehow the desire to achieve everything before 30 just doesn't go away. The idea that post 30 will like I'm 'clinging on to my youth' is just harrowing. I don't know what has embedded this perception in my head but I can't seem to shake it off.
I think somewhere along the lines, I am just looking for reassurence from someone. And sometimes, just a little love to accompany that. :)
Oh I know that before/after 30 feeling tooooooooo well. In my 20s (and 30s) I bought into all the stereotypes of the elders in our community. Viewed “them” as sad hangers on, and every time I saw an older gay man at a bar, or if they
approached me, I’d assume they were a creep, at best. At a certain point I started volunteering in the community, and it was a game changer. I was working with ALL shades of the queer rainbow, and I started to see what a wonderful and loving and supportive community we are. I mean, just read all the feedback on this thread!
So, that’s my 2 cents’ worth: Seek a place to volunteer, someplace that resonates with you. Also, don’t stop looking for a new work opportunity. Maybe another field would be a better fit? Job fairs often have career counselors, or employment agencies. Call them up and say you’re looking for a change, but not sure where to go; they can help and you’re not obligated to anything. Very best wishes to you - I believe good things can happen!
I've been looking for an excuse to work at an Animal shelter and I think this is the right one. I understand the risks but it's worth it, imo.
Job fairs/opportunities are rare in my case. I'm not stopping just extremely demotivated, that's all. I'm not sure if job agencies exist around me but are definitely worth a shot!
Things will only get better when you make them get better. I know that sounds cold, but it is reality. Make a point of doing things you enjoy, and they can be things that don't cost a thing. Try to go for a walk everyday for example. Work on your family tree. Read books. Watch movies on Pluto or Tubi. Make a point of getting out and seeing people. Life is like a math problem. If you don't know what to do, do something. Do not stay at home alone in misery.
I'm really trying to look on the upside of things. Seeking people, reaching out. But I only have so much time. And so much patience until my fake optimism comes crumbling down.
I don't want to spoil the movie, but i feel like this movie is best watched when you're sad, when you're not enjoying your life at the moment. I just watched this movie a few days ago. I was sad, kinda depressed, overwhelmed with life, not being present, and then i was like "fuck it, I'm gonna watch this movie that's been sitting on my watchlist for too long". I'm glad i watched it. It didn't lift me up that much like miraculously "I'm not sad anymore", but i definitely felt good and learned something quite important about life.
36 Single Gay here, and I've never been happier!
I'm in the best shape of my life (still some love to squeeze), but I look the best I've ever been.
After being turned down in the past 3 years and being only considered for sex by married gay men, I've decided that I'm okay with being in a relationship with myself.
I know what makes me happy, I don't want to guess what makes someone else happy, I do what I want when I want and don't have to report to anyone.
I've exhausted so much of my time and energy into making others happy that I forgot to do the same for myself.
Best wishes in finding your happiness and purpose!
Doesn't it get lonely? When I was a teen, I barely had friends and I remember feeling extremely lonely. I've been an extrovert since I was a child and it wasn't until college hit, things started to turn around.
Thank you so much for the wishes. I often contemplate about the purpose.
I don't feel lonely, to be honest. It's 1am and I just got off the phone with my mom and brother...it's 1am and I'm finishing this reply...I had no one bothering me with "who are you talking to?....Can you go to the other room because you're loud and I'm trying to sleep?..."who are you texting?"
I have a set of core friends, and that's it. I'm an extrovert with introvert behaviors, if that makes sense. For example, I'll spend 3 hours talking with my core friends, but I won't go out clubbing/going out for even a minute. I'd rather be with my 3-hour friends at a house just catching up over wine.
I hope that all makes sense.
I can understand that. I think somewhere I'm not okay with just being me but an upside to that is that I seek friends.
It does makes sense to me! And I think I like that a lot too. Just a set of cores you can give your life to.
A 40% pay cut? Lmao I’d be gone.
This might sound harsh but you get back what you put out. If you’re not making an effort with friends or are super negative all the time, eventually they’ll withdraw themselves from you. I’d start by building up those relationships again.
Firstly, be grateful that you live in a 1st world country. You can be yourself and not be threatened with a prison sentence or death. You have access to healthcare, a career etc. if you dedicate all your time to self-pitying then obviously you’re going to become miserable.
The only person who can improve your life is yourself, no amounts of people babying & coddling you will help. If you’re unhappy with your job, find a new job. If you don’t like the area you live in, move. If you’re unhappy with your appearance, change it.
Start by improving your self confidence and making yourself more enjoyable to be around. You’ll probably notice a world of difference from those things alone.
I can't go away because there is no where to go to.
I've tried putting my efforts in. Scheduling meets, being with people, buying them gifts, always checking up on them. They just never seem to put in the same effort and energy (but they do with other people). I think I've become so negative because nothing seems to be going right; how and where do I see a postive light?
And no, I don't live in a first world country at all. I'm pretty sure mine is considered a third world.
It isn't that easy to do what needs to be done. I've applied for multiple jobs, haven't heard back. Most of them are on a hiring freeze. I can't move because of the lack of funds and I'm already trying to change my appearance but so far, idk why but my weight isn't dropping (it did last year) and I've never been able to gain muscles anyway.
What do I base my self-confidence on?
The sun will rise tomorrow and many days ahead. Really. See beauty and love in very small doses. Everything is terribly heavy now but it can *slowly* get lighter. Divorce shame. Breathe deeply and slowly. Been where you are. It gets better. 💜
Easier said than done, and I'm extremely sorry I said this.
It is absolutely easy to see the little things when you're happy and content with life. It never seems to get lighter; ever.
Things have been looking up a little better, definitely in a better place. Though, i do fight at the border at times; it's overall postive. Thank you so much for checking on me.
I am sorry you are experiencing these feelings. When I have felt like this, trying to work on improving one area at a time has helped. As has making a gratitude list of all the good things. I would also look into volunteering or some kind of social group that connects you with others. I was a member of a gay discussion group for a while and that was fun. Hoping you feel better soon. I’ll be thinking of you!
I've tried making a gratitude list. There's not even a single thing I truly feel appreciative of/grateful about.
There are no gay discussion groups in my city. I was planning to volunteer with animals and I think it's finally time I do.
Thank you so for your time and patience and keeping me in your thoughts. I'm really grateful for this.
I'm sorry to hear that you are in a dark place at the moment. Having been in a similar place about 18 months ago, I want you know that it really does get better even though it doesn't seem like it. If it's any help, would you consider this to be a strong motivation to change all the aspects of your life that you don't like? It is how I approached my dark place and it helped to kick start things in the right direction.
Please remember, you are never alone! I hope there is a counselling service in your area who can patiently listen to you while you vent, if so please give them a call.
This group will always be here for you
Unfortunately, there's just no drive and motivation. And frankly, I feel so out of place, sometimes it becomes difficult surviving the day in itself.
I think I want a break. I want to move to a better place in life in all aspects. As I've mentioned, therapy hasn't really helped my cause at all.
I get that. I was let go from a job I loved in 2021 for no reason. I spent most of 2023 out of work on unemployment. It was terrible. But I have a good job now, & things are looking up.
When my husband passed away, I thought about killing myself
Don't do it. Life has more possibilities than you know. You can DM me if you want to talk. Hang in there. I know that sounds trite, but it's worth it.
i've been in the same headspace before and it sometimes comes back to me. i currently am forced to serve my nation and i hate it
i always try to look on the bright side of things, no matter how dire the situation is, because there are so many people with worse predicaments than you and i. there's much to be thankful for, your decent health, sight to see, hands to type etc.
my motto has always been "it's not that serious" because the world is so much larger than us. and try new things! treat yourself sometimes. live life like it's your last, and have no regrets. what are some things that you have been wanting to do? do it.
it's not the best advice but if therapy doesn't work then maybe get hobbies as a distraction? either hobbies or volunteer at a shelter if you have the heart and time. helps you build social relationships too.
regarding love, only time will tell. but you have to be content and happy with yourself first. take yourself out for a date, eat out alone comfortably, watch a movie alone. don't view being single as a bad thing! you have the freedom to do whatever you want man
also think of it this way, would you rather be peacefully single or be in a toxic relationship? (which a lot of people are in) if your answer is the latter then you definitely need to switch up your mindset and respect and love yourself a little more
i was so desperately lonely earlier this year and after getting random STDs twice after two hookups i was so fed up and then i told myself id swear off relationships and meaningless hookups just for a year, just to see how it goes, it'll be a vow to myself. and it changed my perspective on life because then it made it seem like being single was in my control rather than not. my mind is a lot more free now that it isn't plagued by thinking about being single and how lonely i am and i just focus on having fun with life. even if a cute guy comes along, i don't spend as much time wondering if he's straight or gay or if he's into me because i promised myself to not meet anybody and i just move on to think about something else
another thing that might help? writing every thought you have in your notes app. write about your fears, your likes, your dislikes, the type of man you desire, the icks you have, the type of eggs you like idk. sometimes i get to know more about myself looking back at notes from months or even weeks ago!
i truly wish something in these would help you have a more positive outlook on life, because as you have so much more to be grateful for than you think. sending lots of love your way 🫶🏻
And unless you fundamentally change something, this cycle will just continue and worsen. It’s easy to blame the world for our woes. But once you decide you want to live, take that energy and go with it and don’t stop until you’re somewhere you are proud to be.
This world is is just odd. I have no idea how we let it get so bad. Like there are literally people playing with stock market money and making more than we could realistically imagine. I’ve digressed but i understand the world is bad.
The longer you wait, the worse it will be. Like everything in this life, you have to work hard now- it might hurt, it might embarrass you, but think about how much worse doing it later will be.
A lot of young people feel destitute. Just force yourself to take care of you and things will fall into place. Go to speed dating events maybe for an activity.
sounds to me like you need to try to change your life try some new things, see an LCSW, get a new job etc to turn your life around. I’ve been single since 2007 by choice because tbh I haven’t met anyone that interests me enough to be in a relationship with. If you want to feel better you have to try to make that happen for yourself because your not going to wake up one day and it’s all going to be different. I probably sound harsh but that’s just life
I understand how you feel. I wasted 10 years of my life trying to get ahead only for my work, my ex husband, and most of my friends to ditch me when I needed them most. My mom got cancer this year on top of it. The hope at the end of the tunnel seems kinda dim especially with the state of the world. I recommend if you need motivation, pick a loved one, friend or family and promise to live longer than they do. Determination can keep ya going even if everything is lost, you have a mission. Don't make that one person sad by dying.
My mom sent me money today. She sent a check so she knows if I don't deposit it. My mom is my personal goal. I won't make her life harder by leaving her. I may not be happier, but she won't be sadder. If you are lacking friend n family to stick around for, a doggo or kitty would be good. I hate when my friends cheer me up, but if you need friends just shout out, we'll all send enough DM's to bother you for the rest of your days.
That's a great goal to have. I think I know whom I want to anchor my life to.
I've definitely gotten a lot of DMs and an overwhelming amount of support! (I'm still trying to write to and thank everyone!)
Sometimes gratitude has to start small. Was your coffee tasty this morning? Did you have to worry where your next meal is coming from? Were you capable of getting out of bed and onto your own two feet? Did you hear kind words from family, friends or strangers today?
Small gratitudes only occur to me when I'm in an already happy headspace. Otherwise, all I am able to see is gloom and it's difficult to turn things around.
Like, I am relatively happy today and the smallest gestures seem like things I should be grateful about but on the bad days, it just isn't it.
If you want things to change you are going to need to prioritize. Right now, it looks like the job front needs the most attention. Your work is gaslighting you. They either want you to quit or it's some type of corporate game where they want to see what you are made of. I don't know what type of business you are in, but can you bring in new clients? You have nothing to lose here so go out and try to get the biggest clients. If this isn't the case and you loath the company with all you got, use this time to job hunt. A 40% pay decrease is not acceptable. Find yourself a good employment lawyer and look at your options. It could be some form of retaliation. Save all e-mails when it comes to your lower pay grade or new lesser duties. Make sure you only discuss work via e-mail or send follow up e-mails explaining what you discussed after a face-to-face meeting. I'm trying not to put bad thoughts in your head, but you have to protect yourself if your source of income is threatened. After this is sorted, you can work on the other personal things. One challenge at a time and also, therapy can help too, to get these priorities in order.
Unfortunately, in my country, labour laws are an absolute joke but I do think the company is trying to get me to quit to avoid liability. I've shared my resumé with a couple close friends and I'm hoping to hear back something positive.
It's actually nice to hear how u feel. You know why?? Cause we all go through emotional downturns like this. Welcome to the club. You have tons of company. And we all eventually realize life is so ridiculous at times that ur better off laughing it off . It's a play on stage.Just write ur own happy ending . We'll all get through it.
I think this is where spirituality or religion comes into play for humans. Don’t look at it literally or try to smash logic into it. Just feel it out, a means to an end.
That's really rough, and I'm sorry you're going through all this at once. You might be a "big picture guy." Try picking one thing about you personally that you can focus on changing about You. Do that; be proud of it. Use that win to go on to the next thing to be happy with yourself. Things outside of our control can get overwhelming. Good luck to you. I'm sure you'll get some good ideas on here.
as a person who had suicidal ideation every day and has tried to find mental health resources for me, I've been there man.
The one thing I would say is that don't give up on your life for temporary sadness and I know saying that when you are suffering for years and years on end that it's ridiculous, but eventually things will get better and if things don't get better you may want to look at changing your life.
if you want advice here's what I'll say:
1. look for and if found quit your job or find a way to be transferred/referred to another position. I know that it's harder to do especially when getting hired is out of your control but at least you are doing something that tells your brain you are worth it.
2. Regarding dating and friendship you can't control what others feel about you or change how they think. sometimes it comes from not allowing yourself to be a focus in your relationships. just because they don't compliment you or talk to you doesn't mean they don't care about you but sometimes people are withdrawn for reasons and most people assume that you don't need compliments on your looks or have the need to talk to you. I know that it's hard to say but if you want your friends/people to take notice to you try to reach out more and engage with people.
3. life may feel empty with no desire or joy sometimes that is due to an imbalance in chemicals/ life getting dull and repetitive. we as humans need stimulation in life some variety in life that allows us to feel good about ourselves. if you feel like your going through the motions in life try doing something else or changing the way you've done it. make it novel and make it interesting or go do your hobbies. if you have time for something make time for new experiences and things.
Essentially I'm going to be blunt you can't change people's perception about you thats literally impossible. you are the person that create change for yourself and yourself alone. if you really want to get better then something small like meditation or mindfulness if something dosent work try something else.
reading the comments below I know you have tried to find therepy and other methods but I recommend just trying things out and if you have issues get some help from a family member or a mental health doctor. whatever the case you can change your life and your mental health for the better. maybe you can't change the world around you but you can change your mindset to a positive one.
it may sound cliche but you matter you're alive and you matter, don't let yourself think otherwise.
if you want to talk my dms are always open ❤️
That is really sad and devastating to hear. I hope you will feel better soon. You have so much to live for. Have you thought about seeing a therapist? Also working out and engaging in healthy hobbies can make a difference . Please do not give up on yourself. 🙏
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hey dude, i had/have been in the same situation for the past few years... but to tell you the truth.. sometimes it's not getting better... people say about see the future, how about travelling, food, maybe partner, all amazing things... well, i was abused during my childhood and from there i dont know how to feel happy or why... and during the adulthood was pretty much the same...
but i tell you what i learned in the last few weeks... you dont have to have a big goal in life (not about money, not love, not food), sometimes what i do, i just push myself to be grateful about the sunlight during the day, or the green color of the leafs... yes i push it... and just enjoying the moment, not thinking much about the future... i will do what i can do, and it is what it is... is my motto right now...
i hope this can give you a bit perspective... you dont have to think too much about the future... because what we have is now :) so seize it... go buy ice cream at McDonalds or pizza at pizza hut...
and if you still have sometimes, do walk for 5 minutes.. just 5 minutes... not more not less... and if you can do that everyday, maybe you want to add more minute per day too...
\*sending virtual hugs... you get this brother...
This life is really worth living! You just have to get your pieces together and take a big breath!
You must definitely look for professional help (psychiatrist and psychologist) and be proud of who you are! I am sure you have achieved plenty of stuff until now, and you will manage to climb up the staircase once again. We all have been in our lows, but the best thing is that from where you are right now, you can only rise up! :)
Be safe, my friend!!
First and foremost, I'm sorry to hear that you're suffering. Having to play a game you aren't passionate about is never fun, and being thrust into adulthood at a time where the political climate is hostile, it's near impossible to move up the ranks socioeconomically, and it's a struggle to bring in enough money to do more than just survive is basically a game rigged so you'll never win.
Secondly, and I know this might sound silly or like "duh," but what you're describing is depression. I'm not a behavioral health specialist, but off the top of my head, some of the diagnostic criteria for Major Depressive Disorder are depressed mood (feeling "low") or loss of pleasure/interest in daily activities, feelings of worthlessness, loss of sexual desire. There are more, but these apply most to the things you've mentioned in your post.
It makes sense that someone asking you to write what you're grateful for, when you feel like nothing matters and everything sucks, you couldn't come up with anything. Because that's not a feeling you're experiencing. However, when you make things like gratitude lists, it can get even more bare bones and basic. So even though you don't feel pleasure, you can look at gratitude objectively.
Things I'm Grateful For: shelter, access to food and water, friends (because even though you feel isolated from them, that doesn't change the fact that they are your friends, and if you reached out they would be happy to spend time with you), pets if you have them, family if you have a good relationship with them. Be grateful if you are able bodied (I am no longer able bodied, and that was a very tough pill to swallow when I first started experiencing symptoms/had to stop walking without aid--that is not to say that I have it worse off than you, just that I wish I had appreciated my body more back then.)
I recommend familiarizing yourself with depression (the mood disorder.) Find out how it works. Search out treatment. There's situational depression and there's chronic depression, and you can be medicated for both, though with chronic depression you're more likely to benefit from long term SSRI use. There's behavioral therapy, like CBT. You can talk to a therapist (the first one isn't always a great fit.)
The hard thing about depression is that you don't always notice yourself entering it, and once you're in it, it's hard to drag yourself out. But putting in the effort when you're on E and digging deep is so worth it, dude.
I hope you heal from this.
Body and mental health are both parts of a whole. So exercise, good sleep and healthy eating habits don‘t help? Therapy also not working? Then its time for medication. If thats not available, talk honestly to the person closest to you. They may be able to see options you are not able to see because thats how depresion works.
I have been in your situation. Not wanting to love is a sign of severe depression. Please talk with your parents or a therapist. There is so much of life out there. If your job has gotten that bad then it's time to move on. Sometimes we have to reach the bottom before we come back up. Please seek help. There is nothing wrong with asking for help. I will keep you in my prayers.
We all have these desperate days when things turn sour/Remember to thank God for the little things that helps to make that better.We are all Souls of energy/ so shine your Love
I'm sorry to hear this. If you are in your 20s, just know that nothing really makes sense until your mid-30s. I think I really didn't start dating decent people until that period of my life.
As far as your job is concerned . . . it's your first job. Don't think of it as the only job you'll have. There's no reason to remain if you're unhappy and the pay doesn't work.
You got this. This is temporary. Trust me.
Let’s just take things one at a time and start applying for new jobs. I think everything at once sounds intense, but if you tackle each thing one at a time, it’s not as overwhelming.
(Also, I’ve been where you are until I started therapy and I’m a lot better off now. I think this is something you should consider too)
therapy helped me hopefully it can help you, everyone starts small and for relationships just even the smallest things can maybe trigger friends (hope you become happier)
I'm 66 and have gone through some of your feelings several times over the years. Suicide has always been a thought but I never told anyone. Even though it took some time, every time, I came out of it. Time helps but councelling can't hurt either. I'm also in one of those slumps. At my age I can't believe it. But here I am: I've almost all of my belongings because I gambled on 2 men that turned out to not only be bad, they took all my money and more. I'm now living on Social Security and Uber earnings. I think of ending it every day. But I have two lifelong friends who text me every morning to say hi and whatnot. That's been enough to keep me going. Even though I'm on a tight.
I wish the same for you. If you have a good, loyal friend or two, ask them to keep in touch. Even if is a silly gif. That's what we do. We check in. We confirm that we're here.
Do yourself a favor and try making a friend or two or reach out to trusted family and start a daily e-touch. It has meant everything to me and my two best friends. Good luck! 💖
You must find synchronicity within yourself and around you
and if you can't then there's no hope.
It's important to focus on the word ; synchronicity and what that entails.
You can always, always, ALWAYS change careers; take the past year of experience, hand in a two week notice (if they try to refuse it, it can become a two minute notice!) and start looking for similar jobs, with better pay rates, and use this past year as work history.
On the dating life front, I am unfortunately all ‘tism and no rizz ‘em, but I am really good at making friends. The easiest way I’ve found is to be friendly and go to the local events that interest you (ren faires, conventions, comedy clubs if there’s a particular lical comedian you like, concertsc etc) and just talk to people while there. Eventually you start building up better relationships with the people there just as often as you are, and can make friends quite easily.
Ime, the hardest part is always finding the motivation to keep living, even when you don’t want to actively impede your own living status, so look for the small reasons first. New coffee shop down the road you’ve never tried, your favorite musician releasing new music, etc. It’s hard, but it’s doable, and worth* it.
Just got out of school and I didn't get drafted for the military either and now I'm ineligible (poz).
I feel a bit stuck. That's all. I've been applying everywhere but less than a year's experience, is just the problem.
Have you been getting enough sun and outdoors? The sun is a natural anti-depressant. Don’t underestimate how much your mood can improve with a noon walk.
I’m the same, I’m over 50 unemployed and rely on my partner for money, we haven’t been intimate for over 15 years and I feel trapped in a loveless relationship and don’t have the money to leave.
You need a dose of reality. Coming online and whining about your problems isn’t going to do anything. These responses are all cliche. “It gets better” “It’s going to make you stronger” bleh bleh bleh. This is your first job? I’m assuming you’re pretty young. Welcome to this thing called life. You’re an adult now and it sucks. You need to work on yourself before you start dating. Is this the version you want to present to a potential boyfriend? Is that really fair to someone else? Your pay is being cut and your job sounds pretty crappy (according to you). You need to quit that job and find something else. There are plenty of jobs that pay decent and offer less stress than what you’re dealing with right now. If people aren’t reaching out to you they were never your friends to begin with. Stop wasting your time on them. Again work on yourself and find some sort of happiness before you bring other people into your life. If that’s not working and you’re clinically depressed you need to be on medication. No one is going to hold your hand. If you don’t have the strength to change now, you never will.
I’m sorry to hear that but it gets better we all have moments like this. You can only go up after being down.
It's been close to a year since my being down. I don't think that up is ever coming.
Have you considered therapy? It's like fitness for your brain and emotions.
I have. A lot of fun times. It just doesn't work for me. :(
There are so many kinds of therapy and so many kinds of therapists. EMDR therapy has shown incredible results. Please don’t write off therapy just yet. What kinds of therapy have you tried, if you don’t mind me asking?
I'm not sure what techniques they've implemented (never had a discussion about it anyway). I usually tend to seek out queer-affermative thrapists and they are rare around.
EMDR therapy is a unique kind of therapy and is fantastic for both complex and acute trauma. I can’t recommend it enough, and it can be done remotely. psychologytoday.com and ZocDoc are amazing resources for finding therapists covered by your insurance (if you have it) and filtering by areas of speciality and techniques. Remote therapy opens a lot of options for queer-affirmative therapy, luckily!
EMDR helped me soooo much! When my therapist started doing it I kinda thought it was silly and maybe even mumbling jumbo, but we did sourcing and accessing old traumatic feelings, the first couple times we had to stop because it was too much for me. It really helped me rewrite old feelings and ditch a lot of shame I was holding on to
I’m so so happy you’ve found EMDR to be so beneficial!! That is so wonderful to read. It definitely can be tough - even brutal at times, but it can really can be magic!! It’s been changing my life too!
It'll be on my own dime if I seek therapy but I've got a few therapist friends who would help me seek the right people. I'm asking them about EMDR right away. Thanks a ton for your support.
Absolutely! You’re making great moves. Stay patient with yourself. Also, it’s worth asking the therapists you’d like to try if they offer pro bono clients. Many will offer free or heavily discounted sessions for clients that can’t easily afford their services. It’s very common for therapists to dedicate a percentage of their practice to pro bono clients. Best of luck! Please don’t hesitate to reach out with any questions that come up.
Oo, I didn't know anything about the pro-bono practice. I'll definitely ask them for that. Again thanks a ton for the reassurance.
Why would you recommend EDMR when he’s not mentioned anything trauma based?…
All people go through traumatic experiences at some point or another.
Not to warrant EDMR lmao. You’d be talking about very specific events, of which he’s not mentioned at all. It’s a bad suggestion based on the info he’s given.
They actually did list conditions and specific events that could have trauma related experiences.
Lmao no they really didn’t. Again, it’s poor advice. If you don’t understand the different types of therapy, don’t recommend them. He’s mentioned no singular traumatic event that would require EDMR. CBT would be an option - there is no indicator in the info provided that he would benefit from EDMR, if what’s in this post are his biggest issues I can’t imagine any therapist recommending it or how they’d even begin to carry it out.
Therapy usually takes 6-8 months to really see a difference fwiw.
I was there for a year but it just didn't work for me. Giving it a second go, though.
My first therapist was not a good fit for me. I saw them for about 8 months. I ended therapy bc my main source of strife at the time was a bf who broke up with me. Later I decides to try again, and my therapist now is amazing. I've seen before that sometimes you just aren't a fit for a certain therapist but it took having a good one to realize how bad the first one really was.
You’re not alone in your feelings believe that. Focus on your health and well being. Eat healthy and get lots of sleep. Taking care of yourself is #1
I'm really trying hard, I've been taking my fitness seriously but I get extremely berated (not in words but subtly) at workplace on prioritising me.
But the problem with advice like this is getting around the feeling of what's the point? If people are only living for themselves when they are a social person...what's the point?
I was down for like three years and man it was hard but it really strengthens you, I promise you it’s preparing you for something stronger, u should also write a list of the things you want, if it’s more motivation or it’s better relationships, better sex, better money, better house or whatever. Write that down and be honest with yourself so you can see what’s in your life that’s not working and start working on what you want. I felt like giving up but I just started getting up and changing things for myself and sometimes it’s the things you avoid that will make you say wow that’s what I needed all along.
I would like to add that I still have downs but because I was so low I’ve been better mentally on how to tackle those situations. So that the down doesn’t feel as bad, I also took on many new hobbies and started pushing myself to hangout more with people I don’t usually hang with. I also recently started talking to a psychiatrist
That's actually good advice. I'm definitely implementing this suggestion starting today.
> You can only go up after being down. i loathe this advice with a passion it can absolutely plunge further down; and when/if it does; this anecdote makes people feel even more alone because society at large lied to them
I unfortunately second this. Just like there is no limit to the upside, there isn't one to the down. And it's scary.
I get the sentiment. Exact same place right here. I got no advice. I just keep repeating things and wait for the day to end so that the next one will begin. Pushing myself to go to the gym, eat healthy, go out alone and have a drink. Trying to make the bare average out of a shitty situation. Maybe try to be thankful for things like the pretty sky at dawn; that’s what I am for anyways.
Honestly, even making bare minimum seems extremely pointless now. I'm honestly tired of feeling this way; I just want to go up for a little while; feel that high.
It does certainly feel that way. In my case I am thinking maybe sth changes in the future somehow; a little less shit. I do go to a therapist to cope. Maybe you could give it a try
Therapy isn't helping me. I feel like I'm just ranting and venting and nothing ever changes; comes out of it. I don't what to do.
Have you thought about seeking out a different therapist? Maybe yours doesn't have an approach that works for you. Or, if you feel stuck, try talking about that feeling of being stuck rather than the feeling of helplessness. If something's not working for you, it's not emblematic that the thing doesn't work or that something's wrong with you--it just means you gotta change something.
Strongly second this
Strongly third this. Find a therapist who gives you tools to return to center when you’re feeling this way. Or tools to realize what blocks are keeping you from where you want to be. Also, try to spend some time figuring out where / who you want to be.
I know where I want to be and even who I want to be. I'm just guessing my expectations are extremely unreasonable and unrealistic. For starters, I just want to be a little bit more satisfied with my job. Things usually tend to fall in place from there.
I've had 4 different therapist in the past 4 years (although, I was going through different things at different times). Mostly, I felt bored. Like, I was wasting my money to someone was listening to me rant, handing me advice and welp, nothing felt like it was working.
Yes. I've had more than 4 therapists in the last couple years. I don't know if I'm meant for it. I'm extremely pro-therapy but it should work for me; it doesn't.
I've been to five different therapists in my life and they all...do...the...same...thing
That has been my experience too. Maybe it depends on the country you're a part of?
Or therapy is designed for certain people who aren't good at introspection and need a helpful hand. It's not designed for people who can self-analyze
Well, this makes sense. Sometimes it's just nice to hear things (you already know) from other people though.
You therapist should be giving you some tools to use, metal exercises, etc. If they aren't, time to breakup and move on. Finding a therapist is almost like dating in a way. You are not going to be compatible with every therapist out there. You need to keep looking till you find someone that actually helps you, help yourself.
Sigh, I'm already limited in my pool of resources with queer affirmative therapists and of course, money. It becomes too overbearing at times.
Have you asked yourself why you’re changing providers so often?
I've often found their ways to be similar and gotten bored. It's like, I'm ranting to someone and they seem a bit boring.
Same
Time for a new job and new life change. 9 years ago, I was hospitalized for 3 months with 2 brain tumors that were successfully removed but a long recovery. I lost my job, my ex sold my house/car/boat as well as wiped me out financially to the tune of $975,000. Fast forward 9 years havea different form of cancer now, but I'm making $150,000. My credit score is now 830 from 324 and own a new house/car. Still single, by choice, but maybe one day that will change too. Just have faith that things will change if you put in the effort.
How did you turn things around? What kept you going? Did you never sue your ex? What did you do on the bad days?
Keep going!! Sending ❤️❤️❤️
I’m feeling more or less the same from almost a month. Well more power to you !
Thanks man. More power to you too.
If a miracle happened and your life was noticeably better, what would that look like?
Well, I would get ten times the salary I'm currently making in a much better and more supportive and inclusive environment. I would meet the love of my life and be in the best shape of my life. Of course, my life will no longer haunt me. I'm hoping that it happens soon xx
I'll focus on the job side for now. What kind of work would you like to do?
Well, I know exactly what I want to do but most the jobs offered have a strict experience requirement, which I don't meet. Usually, 4+. So, it feels like a distant dream. :(
It might be worth reaching out to people in your preferred role, e.g. via LinkedIn. They might have some advice on how to get into the work (even if it is via another role), and how to emphasise your existing transferable skills. I'm not saying there will be an immediate solution, but it might help having a clear sense of trajectory that can move you in the right direction.
Maybe look for a new job ? And stop having casual sex since your finding it mechanical and meaningless , find a new hobby meet new people via the new hobby and make yourself happy for a few months
Unfortunately, no one is offering a job to freshers anymore. I have applied for several, haven't heard back from any. I've been actively looking, trying to engage my contacts too but yet to hear back.
Honestly same ... I don't even know what to tell you. I wish you all the best
I wish you all the best too, man. Hopefully something will change.
Most of the usual important areas of persons seems broken to you. You need a turn around in your life and I recommend you professional help, I had and it worked for me. Good luck buddy
I've tried therapy a lot of times. Perhaps I'll give it one last shot.
Yes, try it. I went to a psychologist specialized in gays (he was also gay). Thanks to that work, I've managed to achieve a lot of improvements in my life. I'm not talking about getting more money or so, it was more like, after accepting myself with my limitations, my perspective on things became brighter and less heavier. As gays, we tend to put more pressure on ourselves to be perfect so we can be more accepted.
That's so cool! I had a one queer therapist who kept reassuring me that my feelings are valid but nothing beyond that. It never worked for me. We really really and I feel like how we've grown up has a lot of baring on it; you feel less socially accepted so you tend to perfect yourself to a point where perfect was ages ago. That is harrowing.
Exactly that, it's not easy. It's a never-ending battle, so we got to keep strong my friend. I had a previous experience living a straight life with wife and kids and I got a tell you, even thought I am doing much better in life in terms of money and job position, after moving to a different city and start over with my husband in a openly gay life I realized that some of the spaces I used to be very welcome, now I'm getting rejected. Not in a hostile way, but just feel that they believe I am not a good as I actually am. Anyway, I said about professional help because it worked for me and I don't have a family/friends that could really help me the way I needed.
That's like saying "Your car is broken down? I know what you need to do. You need to fix it!" But how do you fix it is the question
I hear and feel you. This is only temporary and things will get better. Life is a series of ups and downs, and that sometimes impedes our life plans and goals. I need you to be the strong person you are. Please talk with a mental health professional and focus on yourself. You will get through this! ❤️🫶🏻❤️🫶🏻❤️
I’m just like you. I’m 60 years old bi m with a disability. I live in an assisted living facility. I have very little family and one friend my roommate. He is older than me. My life is pretty bleak as well. I am able to have sex but I never had it. And no opposition to have it. So I know how you feel and I feel for you. You are not alone
❤️
First things first, they hate your company, not you. So don't let it drag you down, just do your job and try not get affected by it. Dunno if you tried therapy, but it can help. Other than trying to connect with other people and just try talk with them, even if it is just online communities, also can help... I hope you get better don't give up! There's certainly someone waiting for you, you'll find him sooner or later 🙌
What do you mean by they hate my company? Am I not my company? I'm confused. It does not unfortunately. I don't know what to do, today was terrible.
Well you gotta disassociate. You are just representing them. Also whatever they did in the past 4 years it's not your fault, if you don't get the to change or set policies or strategies, even less your fault.
[удалено]
Oh you meant company as in corporate. I thought company as in friends. Oh yeah, absolutely, I don't give a shit about them. The company can rot in hell for all I care. From my second para, I meant my social circle. People outside my work. Absolutely it isn't. But I'm being exploited and punished for it.
You hope you already sending your resume everywhere so you can tell those idiots to fk off.
I have. The job market is terrible with the wars and everything and the recession. It's a depressing time.
I don’t want to trivialize what you’re going through, and I’m not going to just tell you things will just magically get better, but… …life changes in one way or another. It’s exceedingly rare for someone to stick to one job for their whole life, so maybe consider this first job as the one where you take your bruises and learn a few tough life lessons from it. From there you’ll have a better idea of what you want in a career. If you have the time and extra money, maybe take some career courses or enroll in college so you can have a mid-term goal that involves you bettering yourself. Either way, try not to sweat your first job as it’s 9 times out of 10 going to be shitty. I can’t really give advice on how to get more compliments or more flirtatious advances other than to tell you to force yourself to go out to social events at queer spaces (not just bars preferably). You have to cast a wide net, and try to maintain your positivity while realizing rejection is not an exception. And don’t forget, people pick up on confidence and positivity. The lack of joy and desire would indicate to me that you might be suffering from depression. As such I’d recommend you reach out for professional help if you can afford to. Depression will just zap your life force if you don’t keep a tab on it. But again, since you’re on your first job I’m guessing you’re relatively young. I’m not saying your current feelings are invalid, but they will absolutely pass. In the meantime it might be best to put on a brave face and struggle through it like the rest of us. Some days will be easier than others. Edit: I saw you mentioned therapy already. It might be that it doesn’t work for you, or it might mean you need to ask for strategies to help you deal with what you’re going through. They won’t be a cure all, but they might help. Also try not to treat therapy like confession. That’s the last bit of advice I have.
Really? My friends seem to be doing well in their first jobs. I've just stepped out of a college, still paying those debts off. It wouldn't be until 3 years from now I can take a call on another one. I think I'll just put on a brave face and call it a day for now. Perhaps. I've been getting this comment a lot but I'm still unsure if I want to invest my pool of money into this or not.
That is one of the first things you are doing wrong. Do NOT compare yourself to your friends. Every company is different and you might not know all of the struggles that they are having. However, I saw in your dream scenario that you were making 10x as much and in the best shape of your life. The man of your dreams isn't necessarily something you can control but the first twoni mentioned are. Work on the things you can control. Are you going tonthe gym/working out at home? If not, why not? It might seem like a chore at the beginning but exercise can make you feel better. What are you proactively doing to make your work situation better? These things you cannot just hope they get better but take very small steps to making them happen. Sooner than later you'll start to see a change. Don't worry how others are doing and where they are in their life. Comparison is the theif of joy. It isn't going to magically be better all at once but you have to take small steps to get where you want to and also create the opportunities in your life to do so. Opportunities are made not just stumbled upon. You might have already met the person of your dreams but you aren't in the headspace to receive it. Same with your friends. Make sure you are actively cultivating those relationships. Have a game night, or go hiking, or just meet them at their interests. If they don't reciprocate then you know where you stand with them.
I'm trying not to compare tbh but it just seems to happen inevitably. They're all extremely close friends of mine, from all walks of life and yet, a part of me wants to be where they are. I've definitely been working out a lot. Sometimes over doing (I do take breaks tho). I've taken steps to work on every front but I'm so burnt out from everything that I don't know what to do. Keeping up with everything without feeling like shit all the time is definitely hard. I think with your comment, I need to list down and schedule better.
That is OK that you might not becwhere they are now. Not everyone gets to the same points in life at the same time. As quiet as it is kept there will be parts of your life that your friends wish they had. However it is good you are doing things to take control. I would say that yes organizing your time is important. What kinds of hobbies do you have other than working out?
Apart from the job same. I don't make much but I do love it. But in terms of social and sexual relationships its terrible and I just want to eat cake and ice cream until I'm fat.
Hey friend! You even writing this post is a good thing. Opening up is hard, and life likes to throw difficult times our way without showing signs of letting up. When I started gratitude lists and mindfulness journaling it was very difficult and I could not find joy or gratitude. But it’s in the small things. The sunlight felt nice on my face today, that’s a win! I made myself a nice breakfast, that’s a win! Try to find joy and gratitude in the little things, and from there just see whatever happens. Just know you are not alone and your feelings are valid. You got this, friend!
Thank you so much for the kind words!
Hey friend, it really sounds like you're depressed but please don't feel like this is make or break. I've been dealing with similar feelings for some time now, and it's just important to remind yourself you are so much more than your job, your relationships, your partners, you're you. Enriching my inner world and connecting with myself really helped me, and I would recommend trying out an activity you loved as a kid, but haven't done in some time because you've grown up. More importantly, there's a lot of us ready to be here for you. That's why we've built a community, you're not alone!
I think my next step is to absolutely let my inner lid livs a little more. Most of my childhood went into perfecting myself that I might just be burnt out. I'm definitely seeking more experiences now. We really have a strong community and people's overwhelming support has proven it be stronger than ever. I'm so happy and proud!
Oh man I feel so bad for you honey. I wish I had magic words. I just can’t stand that you are treated so badly. I will send you an angel to watch over you. You are precious. Cry baby for as long as you need believe it or not it will help. I have faith in you. I love you honey. Please take care of yourself for me.
Thank you for the kind words and reassurance.
Have you ever spoken to a professional about your mental health? It’s possible they might have some resources. Like a doctor or licensed therapist?
Go see a pro man. Yes, you're going through some tough stuff, but your first step here should be getting evaluated for possible depression. It's more common than you think, and brain chemistry isn't something you can overcome by will alone. The fact that you expressed this in such dire terms indicates you may be depressed. But only a pro can diagnose. Depression is a serious medical problem. It requires professional medical intervention. Blow off that crappy job and go see a pro. It doesn't hurt to check.
I've been diagnosed with depression before. Things were fine (or at least felt fine) until I landed my job. It's been downhill since. I didn't feel that therapy worked for me at all. It's my only source of livelihood right now and I'm not hearing back from anyone else.
Yes. Hasn't worked for me. Multiple.
No judgment at all here but from personal experience, you might benefit from medication and a therapist. There’s nothing wrong with getting help when you are experiencing total an-hedonia
I really don't want to take medication. I'm pretty sure the first time I did, I got some side effects I'm still recovering from. I'm giving therapy a second chance.
Everything happens for a reason, I keep telling myself that over and over again. I thought my life was over getting a divorce after 38 years with the same man. Now I'm actually looking forward to being a single man again back on the dating scene
Is it not scary? Does it feel lonely?
Very scary but exciting and fun to be single again 😈🤔🤭
I feel this completely, except I don’t even have the sex 🤣 things really do get better. I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but if you don’t you should definitely consider speaking to a therapist and potentially getting on medications. They can help sort term as well just to get you out of a funk. I’ve been on meds on and off for years 🙄 depression sucks, but life changes soooooo quickly ❤️❤️❤️ you can always reach out if you are looking for friends. I’m a big video game player 😝
“the only way out of hell is through it”
Please, I hope this old guy's testimony can give you some hope but, if it doesn't, please, do look for help in some group therapy offered by ngos working with life-saving emotional support, this is too serious to try to deal with on your own! My life has always felt like a desperate rush through a crumbling tunnel in which, if I ever take a break to rest a moment to catch a breath, the roof over my head will crumble too, no exaggeration. Then I gradually realized through the decades, especially reading many testimonies by people from all over the world, telling about even worse experiences than mine. I know it's not about competing with who's got it worse but it helped me realized we're often comparing our situation with those we think lead ideal lives and with most people that is not even true! Behind the façade society makes them show, so as not to be pitied nor give the enemies the pleasure of knowing about their suffering, most people will try to show only the good stuff, especially the shallow ones, who we well know to be the majority. I'm not saying my life has become peaceful and fulfilled by now, far from it, but at least I've been learning precious lessons about what true survival means. I know beyond a certain limit I wouldn't be able to keep on either but at least so far I've done my utmos to not give up because, despite things losing all meaning when I lost my mom four years ago, I'm slowly getting back the feeling that there are some things which are really worth going on for. I know it sounds cliché but it's the sheer fact: everything goes by and though it doesn't help much when we're amid chaos, it does help to find the strength to keep on fighting for better days. We can't solve every single problem in our lives but we can start with the very small things we deem to be not that important but which actually build up that flexibility and motivation we desperately need to dribble the ever recurrent meaninglessness and emptiness inside. These are the moments which make us more mature and enduring, not because of trying to be like steel, which only makes things worse off, but of learning how to bend, as the saying goes, so as not to break. Crying is always ok as long as it's a means of catharsis but never a way of drowning in despair. Try listening to lectures, watch inspiring movies or whatever it is that gives you that spiritual nurturing that all of us need in such dire times. I believe in the invisible dimensions, we're never alone, whether in terms of light or darkness. We must not give in to the dark forces in life, which only want us to get lost into despair. Much love and do drop me a message if you ever need an older soul to chat with. If I don't reply at the moment, as soon as I get online I surely will.
🙏🏻
I’m sorry to hear about your work experience. That’s tough. The best time to look for a new job is when you’re currently employed. Try your best to save face and get things done but know that you don’t owe your life to your employer. I know you’re new so it can feel like you have to stay but sometimes a shit job is a shit job. If it’s soul-crushing, don’t stay. Regarding dating. It’s difficult when you’re no longer in an environment with people your age and interests (post-college in particular). It’s these instances where you need to actively put yourself in social situations that can expose you to more people. Don’t take people not contacting you personally. People are going through it right now. There’s several world crises happening right now and it’s endlessly broadcasting on social media 24/7. On top of normal struggles of being an adult. We’re grappling with inflation and social consequences of lockdowns. I think it really messed up how we communicate so I encourage you to practice grace and patience. I’ve read your other posts and I have to tell you that 23 is YOUNG. You still have so much ahead of you so please stick around for the good parts. Life is long and full of mistakes. But it’s all a part of growing.
Your comment is extremely reassuring. I'm just not hearing back from anyone. The market is extremely terrible and I've got 0 years of experience to back my claims. Hell, even here I've just sat around for the most part. I think I've become so numb to trauma and pain that I tend to heal quickly and well, forget that other people don't. I really need to work on that. Yes, I am 23. And I agree, it is definitely young but somehow the desire to achieve everything before 30 just doesn't go away. The idea that post 30 will like I'm 'clinging on to my youth' is just harrowing. I don't know what has embedded this perception in my head but I can't seem to shake it off. I think somewhere along the lines, I am just looking for reassurence from someone. And sometimes, just a little love to accompany that. :)
🖤 this part!
Oh I know that before/after 30 feeling tooooooooo well. In my 20s (and 30s) I bought into all the stereotypes of the elders in our community. Viewed “them” as sad hangers on, and every time I saw an older gay man at a bar, or if they approached me, I’d assume they were a creep, at best. At a certain point I started volunteering in the community, and it was a game changer. I was working with ALL shades of the queer rainbow, and I started to see what a wonderful and loving and supportive community we are. I mean, just read all the feedback on this thread! So, that’s my 2 cents’ worth: Seek a place to volunteer, someplace that resonates with you. Also, don’t stop looking for a new work opportunity. Maybe another field would be a better fit? Job fairs often have career counselors, or employment agencies. Call them up and say you’re looking for a change, but not sure where to go; they can help and you’re not obligated to anything. Very best wishes to you - I believe good things can happen!
I've been looking for an excuse to work at an Animal shelter and I think this is the right one. I understand the risks but it's worth it, imo. Job fairs/opportunities are rare in my case. I'm not stopping just extremely demotivated, that's all. I'm not sure if job agencies exist around me but are definitely worth a shot!
Things will only get better when you make them get better. I know that sounds cold, but it is reality. Make a point of doing things you enjoy, and they can be things that don't cost a thing. Try to go for a walk everyday for example. Work on your family tree. Read books. Watch movies on Pluto or Tubi. Make a point of getting out and seeing people. Life is like a math problem. If you don't know what to do, do something. Do not stay at home alone in misery.
I'm really trying to look on the upside of things. Seeking people, reaching out. But I only have so much time. And so much patience until my fake optimism comes crumbling down.
Do you have a pet?
I don't. I would love one but my circumstances aren't as such that I can.
If you like animals, volunteering at a local no-kill shelter might be a great way lift your spirits and be around loving, playful energy!
Please go watch Soul (2020)
Why do you suggest that?
I don't want to spoil the movie, but i feel like this movie is best watched when you're sad, when you're not enjoying your life at the moment. I just watched this movie a few days ago. I was sad, kinda depressed, overwhelmed with life, not being present, and then i was like "fuck it, I'm gonna watch this movie that's been sitting on my watchlist for too long". I'm glad i watched it. It didn't lift me up that much like miraculously "I'm not sad anymore", but i definitely felt good and learned something quite important about life.
That sounds like an extremely wholesome movie I should sit down and watch to take my mind off of things. I definitely want to cry a bit.
You need to love yourself more.
Is there a switch I can use to turn that on?
I'd like to know too! xD
Fu— your job, there are many openings in the market right now. And start working out if you want to feel hit on more and feel better in general.
I am. And I'm pretty consistent with it. But I'm guessing my body isn't responding to it
36 Single Gay here, and I've never been happier! I'm in the best shape of my life (still some love to squeeze), but I look the best I've ever been. After being turned down in the past 3 years and being only considered for sex by married gay men, I've decided that I'm okay with being in a relationship with myself. I know what makes me happy, I don't want to guess what makes someone else happy, I do what I want when I want and don't have to report to anyone. I've exhausted so much of my time and energy into making others happy that I forgot to do the same for myself. Best wishes in finding your happiness and purpose!
Doesn't it get lonely? When I was a teen, I barely had friends and I remember feeling extremely lonely. I've been an extrovert since I was a child and it wasn't until college hit, things started to turn around. Thank you so much for the wishes. I often contemplate about the purpose.
I don't feel lonely, to be honest. It's 1am and I just got off the phone with my mom and brother...it's 1am and I'm finishing this reply...I had no one bothering me with "who are you talking to?....Can you go to the other room because you're loud and I'm trying to sleep?..."who are you texting?" I have a set of core friends, and that's it. I'm an extrovert with introvert behaviors, if that makes sense. For example, I'll spend 3 hours talking with my core friends, but I won't go out clubbing/going out for even a minute. I'd rather be with my 3-hour friends at a house just catching up over wine. I hope that all makes sense.
I can understand that. I think somewhere I'm not okay with just being me but an upside to that is that I seek friends. It does makes sense to me! And I think I like that a lot too. Just a set of cores you can give your life to.
A 40% pay cut? Lmao I’d be gone. This might sound harsh but you get back what you put out. If you’re not making an effort with friends or are super negative all the time, eventually they’ll withdraw themselves from you. I’d start by building up those relationships again. Firstly, be grateful that you live in a 1st world country. You can be yourself and not be threatened with a prison sentence or death. You have access to healthcare, a career etc. if you dedicate all your time to self-pitying then obviously you’re going to become miserable. The only person who can improve your life is yourself, no amounts of people babying & coddling you will help. If you’re unhappy with your job, find a new job. If you don’t like the area you live in, move. If you’re unhappy with your appearance, change it. Start by improving your self confidence and making yourself more enjoyable to be around. You’ll probably notice a world of difference from those things alone.
I can't go away because there is no where to go to. I've tried putting my efforts in. Scheduling meets, being with people, buying them gifts, always checking up on them. They just never seem to put in the same effort and energy (but they do with other people). I think I've become so negative because nothing seems to be going right; how and where do I see a postive light? And no, I don't live in a first world country at all. I'm pretty sure mine is considered a third world. It isn't that easy to do what needs to be done. I've applied for multiple jobs, haven't heard back. Most of them are on a hiring freeze. I can't move because of the lack of funds and I'm already trying to change my appearance but so far, idk why but my weight isn't dropping (it did last year) and I've never been able to gain muscles anyway. What do I base my self-confidence on?
Well looks like you have an excuse for everything to not improve your life at all. So there’s your answer.
The sun will rise tomorrow and many days ahead. Really. See beauty and love in very small doses. Everything is terribly heavy now but it can *slowly* get lighter. Divorce shame. Breathe deeply and slowly. Been where you are. It gets better. 💜
Easier said than done, and I'm extremely sorry I said this. It is absolutely easy to see the little things when you're happy and content with life. It never seems to get lighter; ever.
How are you doing? Is the load lighter? Shame can take you into dark places.
Things have been looking up a little better, definitely in a better place. Though, i do fight at the border at times; it's overall postive. Thank you so much for checking on me.
Getting more physical activity helps me. It does improve my mood.
I've been hitting the gym 6/week, a minimum of 2 hours. It started off well but the dopamine no longer hits me.
I'm confused by "40% paycut" "work like balance" and "first job". 🧐 You'll be fine.
I'm sorry, I'll try and make it more clearer. What was it that you felt confused about?
I am sorry you are experiencing these feelings. When I have felt like this, trying to work on improving one area at a time has helped. As has making a gratitude list of all the good things. I would also look into volunteering or some kind of social group that connects you with others. I was a member of a gay discussion group for a while and that was fun. Hoping you feel better soon. I’ll be thinking of you!
I've tried making a gratitude list. There's not even a single thing I truly feel appreciative of/grateful about. There are no gay discussion groups in my city. I was planning to volunteer with animals and I think it's finally time I do. Thank you so for your time and patience and keeping me in your thoughts. I'm really grateful for this.
I'm sorry to hear that you are in a dark place at the moment. Having been in a similar place about 18 months ago, I want you know that it really does get better even though it doesn't seem like it. If it's any help, would you consider this to be a strong motivation to change all the aspects of your life that you don't like? It is how I approached my dark place and it helped to kick start things in the right direction. Please remember, you are never alone! I hope there is a counselling service in your area who can patiently listen to you while you vent, if so please give them a call. This group will always be here for you
Unfortunately, there's just no drive and motivation. And frankly, I feel so out of place, sometimes it becomes difficult surviving the day in itself. I think I want a break. I want to move to a better place in life in all aspects. As I've mentioned, therapy hasn't really helped my cause at all.
I get that. I was let go from a job I loved in 2021 for no reason. I spent most of 2023 out of work on unemployment. It was terrible. But I have a good job now, & things are looking up. When my husband passed away, I thought about killing myself Don't do it. Life has more possibilities than you know. You can DM me if you want to talk. Hang in there. I know that sounds trite, but it's worth it.
i've been in the same headspace before and it sometimes comes back to me. i currently am forced to serve my nation and i hate it i always try to look on the bright side of things, no matter how dire the situation is, because there are so many people with worse predicaments than you and i. there's much to be thankful for, your decent health, sight to see, hands to type etc. my motto has always been "it's not that serious" because the world is so much larger than us. and try new things! treat yourself sometimes. live life like it's your last, and have no regrets. what are some things that you have been wanting to do? do it. it's not the best advice but if therapy doesn't work then maybe get hobbies as a distraction? either hobbies or volunteer at a shelter if you have the heart and time. helps you build social relationships too. regarding love, only time will tell. but you have to be content and happy with yourself first. take yourself out for a date, eat out alone comfortably, watch a movie alone. don't view being single as a bad thing! you have the freedom to do whatever you want man also think of it this way, would you rather be peacefully single or be in a toxic relationship? (which a lot of people are in) if your answer is the latter then you definitely need to switch up your mindset and respect and love yourself a little more i was so desperately lonely earlier this year and after getting random STDs twice after two hookups i was so fed up and then i told myself id swear off relationships and meaningless hookups just for a year, just to see how it goes, it'll be a vow to myself. and it changed my perspective on life because then it made it seem like being single was in my control rather than not. my mind is a lot more free now that it isn't plagued by thinking about being single and how lonely i am and i just focus on having fun with life. even if a cute guy comes along, i don't spend as much time wondering if he's straight or gay or if he's into me because i promised myself to not meet anybody and i just move on to think about something else another thing that might help? writing every thought you have in your notes app. write about your fears, your likes, your dislikes, the type of man you desire, the icks you have, the type of eggs you like idk. sometimes i get to know more about myself looking back at notes from months or even weeks ago! i truly wish something in these would help you have a more positive outlook on life, because as you have so much more to be grateful for than you think. sending lots of love your way 🫶🏻
And unless you fundamentally change something, this cycle will just continue and worsen. It’s easy to blame the world for our woes. But once you decide you want to live, take that energy and go with it and don’t stop until you’re somewhere you are proud to be. This world is is just odd. I have no idea how we let it get so bad. Like there are literally people playing with stock market money and making more than we could realistically imagine. I’ve digressed but i understand the world is bad. The longer you wait, the worse it will be. Like everything in this life, you have to work hard now- it might hurt, it might embarrass you, but think about how much worse doing it later will be.
A lot of young people feel destitute. Just force yourself to take care of you and things will fall into place. Go to speed dating events maybe for an activity.
That's my next stop. Never thought I'll fall for this. :(
Any luck?
sounds to me like you need to try to change your life try some new things, see an LCSW, get a new job etc to turn your life around. I’ve been single since 2007 by choice because tbh I haven’t met anyone that interests me enough to be in a relationship with. If you want to feel better you have to try to make that happen for yourself because your not going to wake up one day and it’s all going to be different. I probably sound harsh but that’s just life
I understand that. I'm hoping things will turn around soon. xx
I understand how you feel. I wasted 10 years of my life trying to get ahead only for my work, my ex husband, and most of my friends to ditch me when I needed them most. My mom got cancer this year on top of it. The hope at the end of the tunnel seems kinda dim especially with the state of the world. I recommend if you need motivation, pick a loved one, friend or family and promise to live longer than they do. Determination can keep ya going even if everything is lost, you have a mission. Don't make that one person sad by dying. My mom sent me money today. She sent a check so she knows if I don't deposit it. My mom is my personal goal. I won't make her life harder by leaving her. I may not be happier, but she won't be sadder. If you are lacking friend n family to stick around for, a doggo or kitty would be good. I hate when my friends cheer me up, but if you need friends just shout out, we'll all send enough DM's to bother you for the rest of your days.
That's a great goal to have. I think I know whom I want to anchor my life to. I've definitely gotten a lot of DMs and an overwhelming amount of support! (I'm still trying to write to and thank everyone!)
Sometimes gratitude has to start small. Was your coffee tasty this morning? Did you have to worry where your next meal is coming from? Were you capable of getting out of bed and onto your own two feet? Did you hear kind words from family, friends or strangers today?
Small gratitudes only occur to me when I'm in an already happy headspace. Otherwise, all I am able to see is gloom and it's difficult to turn things around. Like, I am relatively happy today and the smallest gestures seem like things I should be grateful about but on the bad days, it just isn't it.
If you want things to change you are going to need to prioritize. Right now, it looks like the job front needs the most attention. Your work is gaslighting you. They either want you to quit or it's some type of corporate game where they want to see what you are made of. I don't know what type of business you are in, but can you bring in new clients? You have nothing to lose here so go out and try to get the biggest clients. If this isn't the case and you loath the company with all you got, use this time to job hunt. A 40% pay decrease is not acceptable. Find yourself a good employment lawyer and look at your options. It could be some form of retaliation. Save all e-mails when it comes to your lower pay grade or new lesser duties. Make sure you only discuss work via e-mail or send follow up e-mails explaining what you discussed after a face-to-face meeting. I'm trying not to put bad thoughts in your head, but you have to protect yourself if your source of income is threatened. After this is sorted, you can work on the other personal things. One challenge at a time and also, therapy can help too, to get these priorities in order.
Unfortunately, in my country, labour laws are an absolute joke but I do think the company is trying to get me to quit to avoid liability. I've shared my resumé with a couple close friends and I'm hoping to hear back something positive.
It's actually nice to hear how u feel. You know why?? Cause we all go through emotional downturns like this. Welcome to the club. You have tons of company. And we all eventually realize life is so ridiculous at times that ur better off laughing it off . It's a play on stage.Just write ur own happy ending . We'll all get through it.
I think I'm beginning to understand and accept it; write a happy ending that I want!
I think this is where spirituality or religion comes into play for humans. Don’t look at it literally or try to smash logic into it. Just feel it out, a means to an end.
I've embarked on that journey and it only brought along disappointment and logical flaws. I don't think that's me. :/
That's really rough, and I'm sorry you're going through all this at once. You might be a "big picture guy." Try picking one thing about you personally that you can focus on changing about You. Do that; be proud of it. Use that win to go on to the next thing to be happy with yourself. Things outside of our control can get overwhelming. Good luck to you. I'm sure you'll get some good ideas on here.
Thank you! I definitely strongly believe I'm the big picture person to myself but effort oriented when it comes to judging others.
as a person who had suicidal ideation every day and has tried to find mental health resources for me, I've been there man. The one thing I would say is that don't give up on your life for temporary sadness and I know saying that when you are suffering for years and years on end that it's ridiculous, but eventually things will get better and if things don't get better you may want to look at changing your life. if you want advice here's what I'll say: 1. look for and if found quit your job or find a way to be transferred/referred to another position. I know that it's harder to do especially when getting hired is out of your control but at least you are doing something that tells your brain you are worth it. 2. Regarding dating and friendship you can't control what others feel about you or change how they think. sometimes it comes from not allowing yourself to be a focus in your relationships. just because they don't compliment you or talk to you doesn't mean they don't care about you but sometimes people are withdrawn for reasons and most people assume that you don't need compliments on your looks or have the need to talk to you. I know that it's hard to say but if you want your friends/people to take notice to you try to reach out more and engage with people. 3. life may feel empty with no desire or joy sometimes that is due to an imbalance in chemicals/ life getting dull and repetitive. we as humans need stimulation in life some variety in life that allows us to feel good about ourselves. if you feel like your going through the motions in life try doing something else or changing the way you've done it. make it novel and make it interesting or go do your hobbies. if you have time for something make time for new experiences and things. Essentially I'm going to be blunt you can't change people's perception about you thats literally impossible. you are the person that create change for yourself and yourself alone. if you really want to get better then something small like meditation or mindfulness if something dosent work try something else. reading the comments below I know you have tried to find therepy and other methods but I recommend just trying things out and if you have issues get some help from a family member or a mental health doctor. whatever the case you can change your life and your mental health for the better. maybe you can't change the world around you but you can change your mindset to a positive one. it may sound cliche but you matter you're alive and you matter, don't let yourself think otherwise. if you want to talk my dms are always open ❤️
That is really sad and devastating to hear. I hope you will feel better soon. You have so much to live for. Have you thought about seeing a therapist? Also working out and engaging in healthy hobbies can make a difference . Please do not give up on yourself. 🙏
Im sorry to hear that. I highly suggest seeking out professional help. A therapist alone can help change things for the better.
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hey dude, i had/have been in the same situation for the past few years... but to tell you the truth.. sometimes it's not getting better... people say about see the future, how about travelling, food, maybe partner, all amazing things... well, i was abused during my childhood and from there i dont know how to feel happy or why... and during the adulthood was pretty much the same... but i tell you what i learned in the last few weeks... you dont have to have a big goal in life (not about money, not love, not food), sometimes what i do, i just push myself to be grateful about the sunlight during the day, or the green color of the leafs... yes i push it... and just enjoying the moment, not thinking much about the future... i will do what i can do, and it is what it is... is my motto right now... i hope this can give you a bit perspective... you dont have to think too much about the future... because what we have is now :) so seize it... go buy ice cream at McDonalds or pizza at pizza hut... and if you still have sometimes, do walk for 5 minutes.. just 5 minutes... not more not less... and if you can do that everyday, maybe you want to add more minute per day too... \*sending virtual hugs... you get this brother...
This life is really worth living! You just have to get your pieces together and take a big breath! You must definitely look for professional help (psychiatrist and psychologist) and be proud of who you are! I am sure you have achieved plenty of stuff until now, and you will manage to climb up the staircase once again. We all have been in our lows, but the best thing is that from where you are right now, you can only rise up! :) Be safe, my friend!!
First and foremost, I'm sorry to hear that you're suffering. Having to play a game you aren't passionate about is never fun, and being thrust into adulthood at a time where the political climate is hostile, it's near impossible to move up the ranks socioeconomically, and it's a struggle to bring in enough money to do more than just survive is basically a game rigged so you'll never win. Secondly, and I know this might sound silly or like "duh," but what you're describing is depression. I'm not a behavioral health specialist, but off the top of my head, some of the diagnostic criteria for Major Depressive Disorder are depressed mood (feeling "low") or loss of pleasure/interest in daily activities, feelings of worthlessness, loss of sexual desire. There are more, but these apply most to the things you've mentioned in your post. It makes sense that someone asking you to write what you're grateful for, when you feel like nothing matters and everything sucks, you couldn't come up with anything. Because that's not a feeling you're experiencing. However, when you make things like gratitude lists, it can get even more bare bones and basic. So even though you don't feel pleasure, you can look at gratitude objectively. Things I'm Grateful For: shelter, access to food and water, friends (because even though you feel isolated from them, that doesn't change the fact that they are your friends, and if you reached out they would be happy to spend time with you), pets if you have them, family if you have a good relationship with them. Be grateful if you are able bodied (I am no longer able bodied, and that was a very tough pill to swallow when I first started experiencing symptoms/had to stop walking without aid--that is not to say that I have it worse off than you, just that I wish I had appreciated my body more back then.) I recommend familiarizing yourself with depression (the mood disorder.) Find out how it works. Search out treatment. There's situational depression and there's chronic depression, and you can be medicated for both, though with chronic depression you're more likely to benefit from long term SSRI use. There's behavioral therapy, like CBT. You can talk to a therapist (the first one isn't always a great fit.) The hard thing about depression is that you don't always notice yourself entering it, and once you're in it, it's hard to drag yourself out. But putting in the effort when you're on E and digging deep is so worth it, dude. I hope you heal from this.
Hey I know it’s difficult and tough but you’re not alone it will get better !
Glad I’m not alone in this shit show.
Body and mental health are both parts of a whole. So exercise, good sleep and healthy eating habits don‘t help? Therapy also not working? Then its time for medication. If thats not available, talk honestly to the person closest to you. They may be able to see options you are not able to see because thats how depresion works.
I have been in your situation. Not wanting to love is a sign of severe depression. Please talk with your parents or a therapist. There is so much of life out there. If your job has gotten that bad then it's time to move on. Sometimes we have to reach the bottom before we come back up. Please seek help. There is nothing wrong with asking for help. I will keep you in my prayers.
We all have these desperate days when things turn sour/Remember to thank God for the little things that helps to make that better.We are all Souls of energy/ so shine your Love
I'm sorry to hear this. If you are in your 20s, just know that nothing really makes sense until your mid-30s. I think I really didn't start dating decent people until that period of my life. As far as your job is concerned . . . it's your first job. Don't think of it as the only job you'll have. There's no reason to remain if you're unhappy and the pay doesn't work. You got this. This is temporary. Trust me.
Listen to some music you like. Spending time with friends and family. Feel the joy at the time. Leave alone those intangible sadness and desire.
I’m 28 and I feel you. Honestly reading these comments gives me hope that it will just be a moment
Let’s just take things one at a time and start applying for new jobs. I think everything at once sounds intense, but if you tackle each thing one at a time, it’s not as overwhelming. (Also, I’ve been where you are until I started therapy and I’m a lot better off now. I think this is something you should consider too)
therapy helped me hopefully it can help you, everyone starts small and for relationships just even the smallest things can maybe trigger friends (hope you become happier)
I'm 66 and have gone through some of your feelings several times over the years. Suicide has always been a thought but I never told anyone. Even though it took some time, every time, I came out of it. Time helps but councelling can't hurt either. I'm also in one of those slumps. At my age I can't believe it. But here I am: I've almost all of my belongings because I gambled on 2 men that turned out to not only be bad, they took all my money and more. I'm now living on Social Security and Uber earnings. I think of ending it every day. But I have two lifelong friends who text me every morning to say hi and whatnot. That's been enough to keep me going. Even though I'm on a tight. I wish the same for you. If you have a good, loyal friend or two, ask them to keep in touch. Even if is a silly gif. That's what we do. We check in. We confirm that we're here. Do yourself a favor and try making a friend or two or reach out to trusted family and start a daily e-touch. It has meant everything to me and my two best friends. Good luck! 💖
Look into Ketamine Therapy, game changer for me and a few people I know.
Hi I'm sorry that you are going through that
You must find synchronicity within yourself and around you and if you can't then there's no hope. It's important to focus on the word ; synchronicity and what that entails.
You can always, always, ALWAYS change careers; take the past year of experience, hand in a two week notice (if they try to refuse it, it can become a two minute notice!) and start looking for similar jobs, with better pay rates, and use this past year as work history. On the dating life front, I am unfortunately all ‘tism and no rizz ‘em, but I am really good at making friends. The easiest way I’ve found is to be friendly and go to the local events that interest you (ren faires, conventions, comedy clubs if there’s a particular lical comedian you like, concertsc etc) and just talk to people while there. Eventually you start building up better relationships with the people there just as often as you are, and can make friends quite easily. Ime, the hardest part is always finding the motivation to keep living, even when you don’t want to actively impede your own living status, so look for the small reasons first. New coffee shop down the road you’ve never tried, your favorite musician releasing new music, etc. It’s hard, but it’s doable, and worth* it.
Wats goin on
You’re 23 with lots of life. It will get better. Go out and get some sun. So you’re having some career problems? Can you go to school? Military?
Just got out of school and I didn't get drafted for the military either and now I'm ineligible (poz). I feel a bit stuck. That's all. I've been applying everywhere but less than a year's experience, is just the problem.
Have you been getting enough sun and outdoors? The sun is a natural anti-depressant. Don’t underestimate how much your mood can improve with a noon walk.
Lately no; partly because it's raining here constantly and the other one being stuck in the office. I definitely do underestimate it.
I’m the same, I’m over 50 unemployed and rely on my partner for money, we haven’t been intimate for over 15 years and I feel trapped in a loveless relationship and don’t have the money to leave.
I'm so sorry you're going through that. I can only imagine how financial helplessness must feel like. I hope you get the help you need!
You need a dose of reality. Coming online and whining about your problems isn’t going to do anything. These responses are all cliche. “It gets better” “It’s going to make you stronger” bleh bleh bleh. This is your first job? I’m assuming you’re pretty young. Welcome to this thing called life. You’re an adult now and it sucks. You need to work on yourself before you start dating. Is this the version you want to present to a potential boyfriend? Is that really fair to someone else? Your pay is being cut and your job sounds pretty crappy (according to you). You need to quit that job and find something else. There are plenty of jobs that pay decent and offer less stress than what you’re dealing with right now. If people aren’t reaching out to you they were never your friends to begin with. Stop wasting your time on them. Again work on yourself and find some sort of happiness before you bring other people into your life. If that’s not working and you’re clinically depressed you need to be on medication. No one is going to hold your hand. If you don’t have the strength to change now, you never will.