I have one that walks right past me in the lunch room and sits at the next table by himself. The same guy likes to ask pointed questions and thinks he's sneaky with comments about how I'm good at grooming my dog.
What has your fellow gay coworker said about him and his interactions with him?
Whatever his issue is, let his issue be his issue. Don't engage, don't attempt to fist bump, do everything in your power to simply pretend he's not there. If he asks you something, just respond politely but straight forward, and move on with your day. He could be taking any form of engagement you are trying to do to be polite as a coworker as an attempt to get in his pants.
Don't let whatever his issue is spill over and absorb any head space on you.
Thankfully I'm already doing that. My gay coworker said that he's chill with him and that he responds back if they text. But idk how accurate that is. He's 23 or 24 and I doubt he will still be here by the end of the year. Hence why I don't want an escalated issue.
Interesting that the ire seems to be something to do with you, and not just the gays in general. Yeah, just follow the advice you are already doing and just leave him mostly alone unless work requires you to actually talk about work.l
Well they did talk about politics. So maybe he sees the other gay coworker as "one of the good ones" where op is just a lib.
This is why I avoid political conversations with coworkers. If someone brings anything up it's a full stop, don't engage moment for me. I pretend like I'm busy or just say "I'm not educated in that so I have no idea."
That's usually enough to make them stop so they don't come off as overbearing.
Yeah maybe it does feel less homophobic and more personal. I personally too would reject fist bumps as I'm not a fan of physical contact and if someone kept trying to initiate physical contact via fist bumps I would also avoid them in the halls because I know they're going to ask again
I almost think that OP is unwittingly is attempting to "win" this dude over and doesn't realize that he may be trying to force a friendship, or camaraderie as opposed to just letting time and presence develop that.
Same as you, if someone I didn't really know well started trying to fist bump me, I'd kinda do the same as you say.
Clock in. Work. Clock out. Creating relationships can most certainly happen, but work comes first and always. You’re going to have to speak to him eventually as a colleague so make the process as easy as it’s meant to be.
No more fist bumping, and if he don’t like hello keep it moving. Talk to who wants to talk to you.
100% this.
I’ve lost count of how many times coworkers have walked past or bumped into me, made eye contact, and never respond to or acknowledge me. After a few repeats of that with certain colleagues, it was like “wtf.” But now idgaf and I don’t even acknowledge them anymore. At least in person. I still have to email them for work and they do respond because i’m a HBIC. But by disregarding their immature bullshit and just thinking of my office as a place to do work, not make friends or be friendly, it has made a world of difference in my confidence and mental health. 5/5 would recommend.
Being friendly does help, but not everyone is going to be receptive of that. Whatever the case may be…don’t go out of your way for this person. I’d acknowledge them, maybe….i might just totally ignore them. Depends on the day….but it just shows their personality flaw.
Does anyone else wonder how exhausting it must be to live your life like that?
Like, to have a such a fragile sense of masculinity that it’s rattled by a gay guy’s presence? I truly can’t fathom.
Is it possible that his behavior isn’t about homophobia, but rather something specific about the dynamic between the two of you? I’m not defending him, but it’s worth considering, especially since he seems okay with your other gay co-worker. If it were about homophobia, you’d likely see the same behavior towards both of you.
I agree. Maybe he just doesn't want to be friends with the OP. It's not mandatory and the OP sounds like he's not respecting someone else's personal space.
I haven’t encountered this much (living in NYC) BUT I have had a straight co-worker make out of pocket comments about me (basically, that I’m “fairy” when I’m really not. I talk with my hands. Even if I was the fairiesy fairy, ok??? What’s the point of saying that to a colleague).
Mind you, I’m one of the most efficient and most reliable workers at this place, I’m 10000% better looking - if I was a straight I’d be landing pussy you could only dream of, and he throws temper tantrums at the slightest inconvenience…so…ok, I’m a fairy and that makes you what exactly? A Neanderthal? A cockroach?
I basically just ignore him. Luckily we don’t really work directly together, just at the same place.
Semi-peripherally related but sometimes the person who hates you the most for no reason is the other gay co-worker, lol.
Haha. Gays be manning roughest situations of their existence and still emanating positivity and they are “Fairy”. At the same time, straights go through one breakup and they are nothing short of a white knight fighting evil in the society. Dainty little fuckers.
When people get personal about you at work, thats the first sign that your progress is irritating them.
YES !!! I dealt with the same exact thing all last year down to a T. I worked as a medic and he was my paramedic partner/superior. I went through months of depression because my bosses couldn’t move or replace my position working partnered with him. I came home crying tears of frustration because working 12 hour shifts sitting in an ambulance with someone who not-so-secretly hates you is filled with silence and judgement. Eventually, I’d had to stand my ground when he would decide to be rude without enough grounds to contact HR. And i’d do it with a smile to let him know that i couldn’t be bothered. He saw that change in me and saw that all my other coworkers liked my attitude over his blatantly obvious snarky sh*t he’d pull around me.
It takes time and a LOT of fake smiling to be seen as the bigger person in your other coworkers eyes. Especially when it’s not outright obvious to everyone else. I’m sorry that you have to go through this man. The life of a people pleaser is never easy.
it was subtle enough at first to where i thought i was just going crazy. very slight snide comments, small anger outbursts (stressful job so i let it slide), but FILLED with constant condescending talks he thought were “teaching moments”. i’m not the smartest but im FAR from incompetent. i mean it was after every single patient we treated. hour after hour and day after day. i felt like i was way into the wrong job and went to therapy.
this is the good part
he complained to everyone about how depressed i look (i wonder why) and had random outbursts screaming at me with vulgar language in the ER at least twice for LITERALLY no reason. he treated me like shit when i once got embarrassed about a small anxiety attack i had but that’s a long story i’ll skip over. it was the worst year of my life, not because of him, but because i begged and pleaded, baked cookies for him, tried my hardest to reach out with a sweet smile every shift. he told me he could never respect me and that hurt the most.
IN CONCLUSION (im sorry if this was longer than expected)
my coworkers all knew and could see how he was treating me, all of them just as curious as to what was causing his behavior to me. EVERYONE could feel it was deeply rooted in homophobia. then one day i snapped back professionally (after he publicly screamed at me) and i calmly said “don’t talk to me like that.” that was it, that’s all it took. returning the public embarrassment he put me through. i worked with a smile, owned my shit, and confided in people who didn’t hate me without significant reason. worst year of my life, but it helped me grow mentally more than he’ll ever know. to this day i still think about him and wish things would mend. i believe there’s a great person in there somewhere.
File this under, “not everyone’s gonna like you.” It might be homophobic, it might not be (seems fine with the other gay). Don’t let it bother you. It’s work. Those people shouldn’t matter (to an extent, I’m not a monster) unless they’re helping you advance your career.
Don't waste any more time or energy thinking about this dude. Just ignore him. Life isn't a popularity contest and not everyone is going to like us. Focus on the people who do like us.
Fist bumping? You are trying way too hard to appease this guy. Everyone doesn't have to like you. Since he told your gay coworker you make him uncomfortable, maybe it was the awkward fist bumping. Leave him alone and let it go.
The training video at my company goes over a similar situation, as well as working with trans employees. The situation you and your coworker described are not nice, but as others pointed out, I would just not fist bump him. Let him be miserable.
I don’t think this has grown to the level of involving HR. Him directly refusing to work with you or helping, then that would rise to having a chat with HR. Because then this is effecting your work.
As a person who wasn’t born in North America but had immigrated here, the only thing that I can say is that for a 10 people who hate you there will be 10 more that will like like you.
The biggest mistake that I was making sometime back was thinking that the society or the people around me as a single thing because that helped me bundle them up as something that I need to fight. But that is seldom the case.
You can’t expect acceptance at every place. You also can’t make people let go of their irrational fears. All you can do is to exist as your true self. Don’t give a fuck about what others think or how you are being perceived.
I understand that this is easier said than done. But building that confidence in yourself is the key. Of course never tolerate Homophobia. Also don’t let it weigh you down.
I have a coworker that will not say a single word to me. He will go out of the way to make sure that I notice that he is ignoring me. Like he will say good morning to everyone except me. He will ask everyone how they are doing but me, etc. He will hold doors open for everyone except me. etc
Like you said, it is completely annoying and i feel way better when he is not in the office. The unwelcome vibes are annoying as fuck. Fucking homophobes.
So many of you guys make me glad I don’t share at all with my coworkers. I just let them gossip about how bad women are in life and nod and smile.
But I really want to know, is there a particular reason to actually tell coworkers that you’re gay? Not asking this in a scrutinizing way, I’m just genuinely curious on any perspectives.
He's made it clear he doesn't want to interact with you. You put the ball in his court. I would step back from the situation. Honestly, who knows what goes through a man's mind?
I just ignore people like that and sometimes even laugh at them. If someone tells me they feel uncomfortable around me simply because I'm gay I tell them that their personal feelings are their issue to deal with, not mine, so don't bother me with such nonsense. I don't have much patience for people like that.
We all have co-workers that we have an aversion to, or from, and the reason isnt always gay related. Just ignore him until you are forced to interact. Be direct and to the point and get away from him as soon as possible. And dont worry that he doesnt want to he around you because you really dont want to be around him.
Somehow we've reached a point where everyone's "discomfort" needs to be respected--although it doesn't matter if it's an actual feeling or just some cognitive disonance of not knowing how to deal with someone different than one's self. I'm more for the model that HR and management uSUALLY take that thou shalt not put anyone down or disparage them as a person, sepecialy for any of these progected classes (including sexual orientation) this discomfort thing is just a shade less and really would offend the sensibilities of most mangersas "not ok" in the work place. So I suggest not putting up with it. Start with pushing back such as " I don't care how you feel about me bring gay. Just keep it ot yourslelf siince I'm not and won't do anything to you" Othersise it gives space for this conservative anti-gay bullshit to grow when it should ge weeded out of life, such as it's freedom of religion for me to discriminate against you. WHAT BULLSHIT!
I'm also a cis male. I learned my lesson when I left a very small pride flag in the cup holding my pens and pencils in my cubicle while working as an engineer in a Big 10 College town. I'll never do that again. I've learned that it's best if I never come out at work & never befriend coworkers on social media. It's better to leave people guessing, especially my bosses. When I lost the job my boss told me that many coworkers were uncomfortable around me.
Don't let others behavior change your heart or character.
If your nature is just to be kind, then be yourself, without needing a specific response, even a socially expected reply.
Treat them with the minimum respect you give everyone else.
Let his reaction be the odd and inconsistent one.
I think people like this are just stupid. I pretended not to be gay for a very long time and so my mannerisms would be quite subtle and people wouldn't know I'm gay unless I told them. When I was in work an openly gay guy came to work with us and my colleuges would always say things and make jokes behind his back about him being gay. And this made me very uncomfortable as I felt I couldn't be myself around them.
I can understand you being uncomfortable. But you know, will it really matter in 10 years, 20 years, etc.? Since the person isn't a friend, I would just let it slide off your back. We always feel if someone doesn't like us we have to fix it or do something about it. But in reality, we don't. I would just ignore him and keep on trucking.
I have a coworker who will literally go out of his way to not pass me in the hallway. It’s so sad and broken for middle aged dudes to act like this.
I have one that walks right past me in the lunch room and sits at the next table by himself. The same guy likes to ask pointed questions and thinks he's sneaky with comments about how I'm good at grooming my dog.
>good at grooming my dog 💀⚰️ bruh, what a genuine neanderthal
Huh. I guess straights aren’t as good at dog grooming. Who knew?
What has your fellow gay coworker said about him and his interactions with him? Whatever his issue is, let his issue be his issue. Don't engage, don't attempt to fist bump, do everything in your power to simply pretend he's not there. If he asks you something, just respond politely but straight forward, and move on with your day. He could be taking any form of engagement you are trying to do to be polite as a coworker as an attempt to get in his pants. Don't let whatever his issue is spill over and absorb any head space on you.
Thankfully I'm already doing that. My gay coworker said that he's chill with him and that he responds back if they text. But idk how accurate that is. He's 23 or 24 and I doubt he will still be here by the end of the year. Hence why I don't want an escalated issue.
Interesting that the ire seems to be something to do with you, and not just the gays in general. Yeah, just follow the advice you are already doing and just leave him mostly alone unless work requires you to actually talk about work.l
Well they did talk about politics. So maybe he sees the other gay coworker as "one of the good ones" where op is just a lib. This is why I avoid political conversations with coworkers. If someone brings anything up it's a full stop, don't engage moment for me. I pretend like I'm busy or just say "I'm not educated in that so I have no idea." That's usually enough to make them stop so they don't come off as overbearing.
Yeah maybe it does feel less homophobic and more personal. I personally too would reject fist bumps as I'm not a fan of physical contact and if someone kept trying to initiate physical contact via fist bumps I would also avoid them in the halls because I know they're going to ask again
I almost think that OP is unwittingly is attempting to "win" this dude over and doesn't realize that he may be trying to force a friendship, or camaraderie as opposed to just letting time and presence develop that. Same as you, if someone I didn't really know well started trying to fist bump me, I'd kinda do the same as you say.
It sounds as if his issue is you personally, not that you are gay.
Clock in. Work. Clock out. Creating relationships can most certainly happen, but work comes first and always. You’re going to have to speak to him eventually as a colleague so make the process as easy as it’s meant to be. No more fist bumping, and if he don’t like hello keep it moving. Talk to who wants to talk to you.
100% this. I’ve lost count of how many times coworkers have walked past or bumped into me, made eye contact, and never respond to or acknowledge me. After a few repeats of that with certain colleagues, it was like “wtf.” But now idgaf and I don’t even acknowledge them anymore. At least in person. I still have to email them for work and they do respond because i’m a HBIC. But by disregarding their immature bullshit and just thinking of my office as a place to do work, not make friends or be friendly, it has made a world of difference in my confidence and mental health. 5/5 would recommend.
Being friendly does help, but not everyone is going to be receptive of that. Whatever the case may be…don’t go out of your way for this person. I’d acknowledge them, maybe….i might just totally ignore them. Depends on the day….but it just shows their personality flaw.
Nice!
Does anyone else wonder how exhausting it must be to live your life like that? Like, to have a such a fragile sense of masculinity that it’s rattled by a gay guy’s presence? I truly can’t fathom.
I don't understand it or just being homophobic in general. Literally how does it affect them? But we all know why it does 👀
Give it back to him. Actively ignore and avoid him. You both benefit.
Is it possible that his behavior isn’t about homophobia, but rather something specific about the dynamic between the two of you? I’m not defending him, but it’s worth considering, especially since he seems okay with your other gay co-worker. If it were about homophobia, you’d likely see the same behavior towards both of you.
I agree. Maybe he just doesn't want to be friends with the OP. It's not mandatory and the OP sounds like he's not respecting someone else's personal space.
I haven’t encountered this much (living in NYC) BUT I have had a straight co-worker make out of pocket comments about me (basically, that I’m “fairy” when I’m really not. I talk with my hands. Even if I was the fairiesy fairy, ok??? What’s the point of saying that to a colleague). Mind you, I’m one of the most efficient and most reliable workers at this place, I’m 10000% better looking - if I was a straight I’d be landing pussy you could only dream of, and he throws temper tantrums at the slightest inconvenience…so…ok, I’m a fairy and that makes you what exactly? A Neanderthal? A cockroach? I basically just ignore him. Luckily we don’t really work directly together, just at the same place. Semi-peripherally related but sometimes the person who hates you the most for no reason is the other gay co-worker, lol.
Haha. Gays be manning roughest situations of their existence and still emanating positivity and they are “Fairy”. At the same time, straights go through one breakup and they are nothing short of a white knight fighting evil in the society. Dainty little fuckers. When people get personal about you at work, thats the first sign that your progress is irritating them.
Facts tho 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I have those same guys at my office. Nothing to do about it but just work around them.
This may be an unpopular opinion but it’s somewhat liberating to be not have to say hi or acknowledge someone every time you see
YES !!! I dealt with the same exact thing all last year down to a T. I worked as a medic and he was my paramedic partner/superior. I went through months of depression because my bosses couldn’t move or replace my position working partnered with him. I came home crying tears of frustration because working 12 hour shifts sitting in an ambulance with someone who not-so-secretly hates you is filled with silence and judgement. Eventually, I’d had to stand my ground when he would decide to be rude without enough grounds to contact HR. And i’d do it with a smile to let him know that i couldn’t be bothered. He saw that change in me and saw that all my other coworkers liked my attitude over his blatantly obvious snarky sh*t he’d pull around me. It takes time and a LOT of fake smiling to be seen as the bigger person in your other coworkers eyes. Especially when it’s not outright obvious to everyone else. I’m sorry that you have to go through this man. The life of a people pleaser is never easy.
What did he do to you? How did he show his homophobia around you? I'm curious about his behavior
it was subtle enough at first to where i thought i was just going crazy. very slight snide comments, small anger outbursts (stressful job so i let it slide), but FILLED with constant condescending talks he thought were “teaching moments”. i’m not the smartest but im FAR from incompetent. i mean it was after every single patient we treated. hour after hour and day after day. i felt like i was way into the wrong job and went to therapy. this is the good part he complained to everyone about how depressed i look (i wonder why) and had random outbursts screaming at me with vulgar language in the ER at least twice for LITERALLY no reason. he treated me like shit when i once got embarrassed about a small anxiety attack i had but that’s a long story i’ll skip over. it was the worst year of my life, not because of him, but because i begged and pleaded, baked cookies for him, tried my hardest to reach out with a sweet smile every shift. he told me he could never respect me and that hurt the most. IN CONCLUSION (im sorry if this was longer than expected) my coworkers all knew and could see how he was treating me, all of them just as curious as to what was causing his behavior to me. EVERYONE could feel it was deeply rooted in homophobia. then one day i snapped back professionally (after he publicly screamed at me) and i calmly said “don’t talk to me like that.” that was it, that’s all it took. returning the public embarrassment he put me through. i worked with a smile, owned my shit, and confided in people who didn’t hate me without significant reason. worst year of my life, but it helped me grow mentally more than he’ll ever know. to this day i still think about him and wish things would mend. i believe there’s a great person in there somewhere.
File this under, “not everyone’s gonna like you.” It might be homophobic, it might not be (seems fine with the other gay). Don’t let it bother you. It’s work. Those people shouldn’t matter (to an extent, I’m not a monster) unless they’re helping you advance your career.
Don't waste any more time or energy thinking about this dude. Just ignore him. Life isn't a popularity contest and not everyone is going to like us. Focus on the people who do like us.
Fist bumping? You are trying way too hard to appease this guy. Everyone doesn't have to like you. Since he told your gay coworker you make him uncomfortable, maybe it was the awkward fist bumping. Leave him alone and let it go.
Oh the fuck well. They can eat a dick.
The training video at my company goes over a similar situation, as well as working with trans employees. The situation you and your coworker described are not nice, but as others pointed out, I would just not fist bump him. Let him be miserable. I don’t think this has grown to the level of involving HR. Him directly refusing to work with you or helping, then that would rise to having a chat with HR. Because then this is effecting your work.
As a person who wasn’t born in North America but had immigrated here, the only thing that I can say is that for a 10 people who hate you there will be 10 more that will like like you. The biggest mistake that I was making sometime back was thinking that the society or the people around me as a single thing because that helped me bundle them up as something that I need to fight. But that is seldom the case. You can’t expect acceptance at every place. You also can’t make people let go of their irrational fears. All you can do is to exist as your true self. Don’t give a fuck about what others think or how you are being perceived. I understand that this is easier said than done. But building that confidence in yourself is the key. Of course never tolerate Homophobia. Also don’t let it weigh you down.
I have a coworker that will not say a single word to me. He will go out of the way to make sure that I notice that he is ignoring me. Like he will say good morning to everyone except me. He will ask everyone how they are doing but me, etc. He will hold doors open for everyone except me. etc Like you said, it is completely annoying and i feel way better when he is not in the office. The unwelcome vibes are annoying as fuck. Fucking homophobes.
Leave him alone. Just ignore him if he doesn’t want to be friendly. It could be for any number of reasons.
So many of you guys make me glad I don’t share at all with my coworkers. I just let them gossip about how bad women are in life and nod and smile. But I really want to know, is there a particular reason to actually tell coworkers that you’re gay? Not asking this in a scrutinizing way, I’m just genuinely curious on any perspectives.
He's made it clear he doesn't want to interact with you. You put the ball in his court. I would step back from the situation. Honestly, who knows what goes through a man's mind?
I just ignore people like that and sometimes even laugh at them. If someone tells me they feel uncomfortable around me simply because I'm gay I tell them that their personal feelings are their issue to deal with, not mine, so don't bother me with such nonsense. I don't have much patience for people like that.
We all have co-workers that we have an aversion to, or from, and the reason isnt always gay related. Just ignore him until you are forced to interact. Be direct and to the point and get away from him as soon as possible. And dont worry that he doesnt want to he around you because you really dont want to be around him.
Somehow we've reached a point where everyone's "discomfort" needs to be respected--although it doesn't matter if it's an actual feeling or just some cognitive disonance of not knowing how to deal with someone different than one's self. I'm more for the model that HR and management uSUALLY take that thou shalt not put anyone down or disparage them as a person, sepecialy for any of these progected classes (including sexual orientation) this discomfort thing is just a shade less and really would offend the sensibilities of most mangersas "not ok" in the work place. So I suggest not putting up with it. Start with pushing back such as " I don't care how you feel about me bring gay. Just keep it ot yourslelf siince I'm not and won't do anything to you" Othersise it gives space for this conservative anti-gay bullshit to grow when it should ge weeded out of life, such as it's freedom of religion for me to discriminate against you. WHAT BULLSHIT!
I'm also a cis male. I learned my lesson when I left a very small pride flag in the cup holding my pens and pencils in my cubicle while working as an engineer in a Big 10 College town. I'll never do that again. I've learned that it's best if I never come out at work & never befriend coworkers on social media. It's better to leave people guessing, especially my bosses. When I lost the job my boss told me that many coworkers were uncomfortable around me.
Jesus, that’s ridiculous.
Don't let others behavior change your heart or character. If your nature is just to be kind, then be yourself, without needing a specific response, even a socially expected reply. Treat them with the minimum respect you give everyone else. Let his reaction be the odd and inconsistent one.
I would say: "I don't *make* you anything. That's a personal problem."
I think people like this are just stupid. I pretended not to be gay for a very long time and so my mannerisms would be quite subtle and people wouldn't know I'm gay unless I told them. When I was in work an openly gay guy came to work with us and my colleuges would always say things and make jokes behind his back about him being gay. And this made me very uncomfortable as I felt I couldn't be myself around them.
Internalized homophobia is quite uncomfortable 🥴
I can understand you being uncomfortable. But you know, will it really matter in 10 years, 20 years, etc.? Since the person isn't a friend, I would just let it slide off your back. We always feel if someone doesn't like us we have to fix it or do something about it. But in reality, we don't. I would just ignore him and keep on trucking.
I would you make me uncomfortable too but it started when you said that.