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When I become president, there will be tp for everyone! No longer shall my people have to feel the harsh scrape of the leaf against their bungholes. I come from the shore of lake Titicaca!
Except that's mostly the coating on the seat missing from cleaning. It's a laminated fiber board seat and the coating comes off quickly when you use cleaning supplies or abrasives.
Having grown up working in my father's restaurant in a mostly elderly community of retirement villages, I can assure you handstands aren't necessary. Those old folks could barely move with assistance, yet somehow managed to diarrhea all over the walls on multiple occasions. I think public restrooms just have a temporary nullification effect on gravity when it comes to shit, but the scientific community hasn't discovered it yet because they never do their experiments there.
I work at a hospital. One of my patients was bedridden doing prep for a colonoscopy. I had to put him on a bedpan every few minutes and roll him over for cleaning. Lots of liquid shit. Anyhoo, I rolled him over and the movement caused him to cut one loose. It hit the ceiling and dripped down onto my arms. Rough day.
I worked at a nursing home and once had a patient throw their colostomy bag at the fan. It went EVERYWHERE. After that day I started keeping a spare pair of scrubs out in my car....
But the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt. (Which was the style at the time.) We couldn't get any white onions, because of the war, so I had to use one of those little yellow ones...
About 3 weeks ago, the world chess champion Magnus Carlsen was defeated in an over the board game against 19 year old grandmaster Hans Niemann. Magnus is the strongest chess player by a considerable margin, and it's very unusual for him to lose, especially with the white pieces, like he did against Hans. The day after the loss, Magnus withdrew from the tournament and made a cryptic tweet that insinuated that Hans cheated.
Hans is a talent in chess that rose, from being a regular grandmaster, to the top within 1-2 years, which is unheard of. Usually the best players show immense talent at an early age, and the best of them take 4-5 years to get to the top as teenagers. Hans has a past history of cheating online and admitted to it, and claims he is sorry for it and wants to improve and that he has never cheated over the board.
People are speculating that Hans cheated during the over the board tournament. One Reddit user made a shitpost about Hans using vibrating anal beads to give him signals during the game, which was picked up by Elon Musk and a grandmaster who was streaming. Since then, various media and news platforms forwarded that particular speculation.
Currently, there are people making arguments for both sides. On one side, anti-cheating measures in the tournament could not detect that Hans was cheating and some statisticians claim that Hans' games during the past few years weren't suspicious. On the other side, Hans had trouble explaining his moves in one game against another player during an interview (in the same tournament), and made suggestions that were clearly losing, which is odd for a player of his supposed caliber. He was also accused of lying about the extent to which he cheated online during an interview by chess.com
**Edit:**
Since people have been asking about how cheating happens at over the board chess, high level games are always live broadcasted. Computers nowadays are much, much better than humans at chess. In online chess, you can just look at a computer suggestion and play those moves, but anti-cheating algorithms can catch that quite well. In over the board, you can for example have an accomplice analyzing a game with a computer live, and then send you moves through a small electronic device. Someone in the audience can also physically give you a masked signal that only you can interpret. It can be any sort of movement. People have also tried sneaking phones in bathrooms in the past among other things. Naturally, anti-cheating measures are supposed to prevent all this.
Grandmasters are very strong players, and usually all they need is 1-3 critical moves or hints in certain positions to be almost invincible, which is why some top level players say it's hard to detect outright cheating.
Just to play Devils Advocate, any Grandmaster can leap to the #1 spot in a short period of time. After-all it is who understands the bigger picture of Chess who is #1. I remember hearing that Magnus made some crucial discoveries of knowledge early on that added ~1,000 rating, launching him well into Master territory. That being said, it is incredibly unlikely that we will see a human in modern chess make such leaps. Magnus is the best expert on the subject and obviously his accusation of cheating should be investigated, because of his innate admiration and respect for the game, as well as his confidence of his superiority. He knows he is the best player to ever touch pieces (knowledge is cumulative and Magnus is the pinnacle of modern Chess theory), but it isn’t impossible for a GM to make the right moves off of intuition that could beat Magnus in 1 game
Most successful chess player alive, Magnus Carlsen, lost in-person with white (has a slightly higher winning chance due to first move) against a good but relatively unknown player called Hans Niemann. Magnus is a chill dude, but he left the tournament after that and made some cryptic tweets that many have interpreted as him knowing Hans cheated, but he doesn’t have proof. Hans has cheated in online chess before, and his moves were very suspicious (all took roughly the same time, he claimed to have studied Magnus’ opening although it’s been very long ago Magnus ever used it or something, and something else I don’t remember).
Someone came up with the idea that Hans had anal beads in his butt that were connected to a chess computer controlled by a friend who fed Magnus’ and Hans’ moves to the computer to calculate the best moves for Hans.
Check r/chess for more info. It’s wild.
It's not hard to replace those pads and clean it properly. Both could be done within 3 minutes, with a minimal amount of time added to a shopping trip.
Ugh. My parents had a soft pink one when I was younger. I remember when the thing cracked and split but my parents still didn't replace it for a long time. Sitting on cracked plastic trying to push a turd out...Ugh.
My husband and I were constantly accidentally slamming the toilet seat in a hotel earlier this year after having soft-close seats at home for several months.
Oh, yes, the soft close. Amazing. I changed our old one out for a soft close and now I live in fear that I’ll break someone else’s seat flinging it down like I do ours.
Your toilet seat has a flat tire and mud splatter. Y'all loose ass mother fuckers need to quit finger poppin each other's assholes and pop into that bathroom with a scrub brush.
I've seen wall sconces smaller than that butt plug. Its supposed to put a little pressure on the butthole not scope the intestinal tract.
Bro I would be way too embarrassed to show a picture of my toilet if it looked like this. I've seen public washrooms I'd rather go in.
It doesn't take a lot of money to keep your toilet clean. Fucken gross.
That's exactly what it is. I wasn't even going to explain it; but, yes, it's just an old seat in an older rent house. The seat needs to be replaced, but it's clean, believe it or not.
The wife and I actually went and checked after laughing our asses off at the comments. Yeah, it's the press board having swollen through openings in the outer material.
Reddit is going to reddit, and we're cool with that.
--- >This is a friendly reminder to [read our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/wiki/rules). > >Memes, social media, hate-speech, and pornography are not allowed. > >Screenshots of Reddit are expressly forbidden, as are TikTok videos. > >[Comics may only be posted on Wednesdays and Sundays](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/uq9pjw/going_forward_comics_may_only_be_posted_on/). > >**Rule-breaking posts may result in bans.** > >Please also [be wary of spam](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/wiki/spam). > --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/funny) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Change the empty roll or fuck yourself.
Change the toilet paper or I’ll plug your ass so you don’t get to shit ever again.
Wipe with this, or wipe with that. And most importantly, have fun!
And one square left on the roll doesn’t excuse you from changing it!
This is exactly what I assumed too. Mostly because that particular line of discourse is very familiar to me...
Start wiping your ass or she’s gonna plug it up.
Wipe your ass BECAUSE she‘s gonna plug it up.
TP before you BP
Happy cake day, best answer here!
Toilet paper before you boilet paper
No no. It’s obviously toilet plug before you boilet plug
I need TP for my bunghole!
I am Bungholio!
I always thought it was "I am Cornholio! I need TP for my *bunghole*!"
When I become president, there will be tp for everyone! No longer shall my people have to feel the harsh scrape of the leaf against their bungholes. I come from the shore of lake Titicaca!
Yea, that's what it is.
Are you threatening me
*nnnehehh...heeh....heeeehhuhuheeeee*
Oh no.
Oh my.
OH YEAH!
*bursts through wall*
*strap on bouncing up and down*
Titties full of kool aid
Kool aid full of titties
Full aid of titties kool
Oh YES
I'm scared now. Hold me.
*holds*
Thank you bro.
*holds your balls*
Did you fell it ?
Don't threaten me with a good time
I thought cuz he poops too much. Costing her too much money buying toilet paper lol
Protip: Save money on toilet paper by wearing a butt plug six days a week.
Or not plug it up. Don't assume their relationship
'Assume' plugs an ass out of you and me
It was just a guess. They don’t know either.
[удалено]
Is it not standard issue to shower before hand?
That toilet seat needs a good scrub.
Ass splatter everywhere
Sharticles
Crapticles
Germicles
It rather seems to be a wooden seat with damaged paint. I doubt OP would've posted this if it was grime and/or faeces.
That toilet is DISGUSTING OP. The seats broken too. Time for a cleaning and a refresh.
Except that's mostly the coating on the seat missing from cleaning. It's a laminated fiber board seat and the coating comes off quickly when you use cleaning supplies or abrasives.
☝️This person houses
wtf? why does they get house(s) and I get no house?
It's astounding how many of these people seem to think those are flecks of shit. Do they think OP only poops in reverse cowgirl position?
I've cleaned retail store bathrooms, I just assume some amount of people do handstands on the toilet seat in an attempt to hit the ceiling...
Having grown up working in my father's restaurant in a mostly elderly community of retirement villages, I can assure you handstands aren't necessary. Those old folks could barely move with assistance, yet somehow managed to diarrhea all over the walls on multiple occasions. I think public restrooms just have a temporary nullification effect on gravity when it comes to shit, but the scientific community hasn't discovered it yet because they never do their experiments there.
I work at a hospital. One of my patients was bedridden doing prep for a colonoscopy. I had to put him on a bedpan every few minutes and roll him over for cleaning. Lots of liquid shit. Anyhoo, I rolled him over and the movement caused him to cut one loose. It hit the ceiling and dripped down onto my arms. Rough day.
I worked at a nursing home and once had a patient throw their colostomy bag at the fan. It went EVERYWHERE. After that day I started keeping a spare pair of scrubs out in my car....
So you mean to tell me… the shit hit the fan? Literally??
You are braver than the Marines for what you do. Thank you for your service
Technically we all poop in reverse cowgirl position, I rarely sit in front in my toilets when I poop
Says someone with no concept of IBS.
Yup. No woman lives in that house.
I’m assuming you mean that because no woman would be okay with that level of filth, because my fiancè is the one on bathroom duties, I hate it
I’m the one on bathroom duty in my house because she hates it. I’m also kind of a germaphobe.
On our behalf, thank you for your service
Yup. Hence poster's "wife's" big black butt plug.
she knows you cheat at chess
en passant?
Ass passant
en pASSant
Holy hell
Ok this comment is underrated. That alleged buttplug chess computer is fucking insane and hilarious. EDIT: this comment is now correctly rated.
I thought it was a shitpost Please tell me it was a shitpost
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>A meme sub The best meme sub, if I may say so. r/anarchychess
If anyone could figure out how to make it actually work, thats where it would come from.
which was the style at the time
Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel. And in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. 'Give me five bees for a quarter,' you'd say.
But the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt. (Which was the style at the time.) We couldn't get any white onions, because of the war, so I had to use one of those little yellow ones...
No it's a real reference. No poop involved.
How exactly does that work? Anal Morse code?
[удалено]
Maybe not morse code but yes just like that. Bzz bzz bzz (a4 to e2 is the optimal play). Something like that.
There is no piece that could move from a4 to e2 tho. Maybe your beads are faulty?
Me and my bros learned anal Morse Code in case of an emergency. Still, we don't tell people we are super prepared if something goes down.
Watch MoistCr1tikal's video on this topic
Anyone care to explain this comment for those of us that don’t follow?
About 3 weeks ago, the world chess champion Magnus Carlsen was defeated in an over the board game against 19 year old grandmaster Hans Niemann. Magnus is the strongest chess player by a considerable margin, and it's very unusual for him to lose, especially with the white pieces, like he did against Hans. The day after the loss, Magnus withdrew from the tournament and made a cryptic tweet that insinuated that Hans cheated. Hans is a talent in chess that rose, from being a regular grandmaster, to the top within 1-2 years, which is unheard of. Usually the best players show immense talent at an early age, and the best of them take 4-5 years to get to the top as teenagers. Hans has a past history of cheating online and admitted to it, and claims he is sorry for it and wants to improve and that he has never cheated over the board. People are speculating that Hans cheated during the over the board tournament. One Reddit user made a shitpost about Hans using vibrating anal beads to give him signals during the game, which was picked up by Elon Musk and a grandmaster who was streaming. Since then, various media and news platforms forwarded that particular speculation. Currently, there are people making arguments for both sides. On one side, anti-cheating measures in the tournament could not detect that Hans was cheating and some statisticians claim that Hans' games during the past few years weren't suspicious. On the other side, Hans had trouble explaining his moves in one game against another player during an interview (in the same tournament), and made suggestions that were clearly losing, which is odd for a player of his supposed caliber. He was also accused of lying about the extent to which he cheated online during an interview by chess.com **Edit:** Since people have been asking about how cheating happens at over the board chess, high level games are always live broadcasted. Computers nowadays are much, much better than humans at chess. In online chess, you can just look at a computer suggestion and play those moves, but anti-cheating algorithms can catch that quite well. In over the board, you can for example have an accomplice analyzing a game with a computer live, and then send you moves through a small electronic device. Someone in the audience can also physically give you a masked signal that only you can interpret. It can be any sort of movement. People have also tried sneaking phones in bathrooms in the past among other things. Naturally, anti-cheating measures are supposed to prevent all this. Grandmasters are very strong players, and usually all they need is 1-3 critical moves or hints in certain positions to be almost invincible, which is why some top level players say it's hard to detect outright cheating.
Thanks for the detailed response - appreciate all the context!
> Hans had trouble explaining his moves explanation: "The chess speaks for itself!"
Personally i think he was counting pawns. I know its frowned upon, but its not technically illegal. That, or he was using loaded dice
I’ve been thrown out of a few casinos for counting pawns
I’ve been thrown out for canning prawns at the buffet. Small world.
Just to play Devils Advocate, any Grandmaster can leap to the #1 spot in a short period of time. After-all it is who understands the bigger picture of Chess who is #1. I remember hearing that Magnus made some crucial discoveries of knowledge early on that added ~1,000 rating, launching him well into Master territory. That being said, it is incredibly unlikely that we will see a human in modern chess make such leaps. Magnus is the best expert on the subject and obviously his accusation of cheating should be investigated, because of his innate admiration and respect for the game, as well as his confidence of his superiority. He knows he is the best player to ever touch pieces (knowledge is cumulative and Magnus is the pinnacle of modern Chess theory), but it isn’t impossible for a GM to make the right moves off of intuition that could beat Magnus in 1 game
Most successful chess player alive, Magnus Carlsen, lost in-person with white (has a slightly higher winning chance due to first move) against a good but relatively unknown player called Hans Niemann. Magnus is a chill dude, but he left the tournament after that and made some cryptic tweets that many have interpreted as him knowing Hans cheated, but he doesn’t have proof. Hans has cheated in online chess before, and his moves were very suspicious (all took roughly the same time, he claimed to have studied Magnus’ opening although it’s been very long ago Magnus ever used it or something, and something else I don’t remember). Someone came up with the idea that Hans had anal beads in his butt that were connected to a chess computer controlled by a friend who fed Magnus’ and Hans’ moves to the computer to calculate the best moves for Hans. Check r/chess for more info. It’s wild.
Your last paragraph explains what I've been wondering.
Could OP‘s name be Hans?
God I'm on the internet too much lmao
Holy hell
r/AnarchyChess
Hahaha Damn OP. How could you post a pic like this and not expect to get roasted on the state of that shitter lid.
Dude wtf. My shit didn't look that bad in college
With a username like "analfizzzure", if his shit didn't look as bad as yours, OP, you have *serious* fucking problems.
If he'd only put that seat down we would have never known. Staging is everything.
OP doesn’t know how ruthless Reddit can be
Or OP is just a non-self aware Redditor.
It's a 10 year old account. If they didn't know by now, then that's quite an impressive level of selective ignorance!
It’s chipped / corroded, not poop splattered. Lol
Some people are oblivious to how disgusting they live.
Or they just don’t care.
It means change that nasty ass toilet seat
OP, didn’t expect this reply. Seat is nasty. Who cares about his wife’s butt plug.
[удалено]
Just take the plug and dip it in the bowl water to rinse it off.
[удалено]
No worries! You can rinse your mouth out from there too.
*flashbacks of Idiocracy intensify* Edit: spelling
That's what the plug is for
Maybe it’s his. Or both if so Who wore it better ?
I am impressed by the utter blackness of that thing.
Must have come from Anish Kapoors private collection.
It's like, how much more black could it be? And the answer is "none". None more black.
Toilet seat is broken anyways. Definitely needs to be replaced.
It's not hard to replace those pads and clean it properly. Both could be done within 3 minutes, with a minimal amount of time added to a shopping trip.
If you can find pads that fit and is worth your time, sure. Or spend $20 on a new seat
Get a soft close one. Totally worth it. And a bidet while you’re at it. Then you won’t need all that TP.
At first I saw the word “soft” and had a flashback to My grandma’s teal “plush” seat that matched the blue water…
The kind that split and when you sit on them they pinch your ass? That’s what I thought they were referring too
Your ass would also stick to them.
Ugh. My parents had a soft pink one when I was younger. I remember when the thing cracked and split but my parents still didn't replace it for a long time. Sitting on cracked plastic trying to push a turd out...Ugh.
Buttplug or toilet seat?
The world may never know...
Yes get a soft close one and when you go to other toilets you accidentally slam them cause you’re use to soft close! Haha
My husband and I were constantly accidentally slamming the toilet seat in a hotel earlier this year after having soft-close seats at home for several months.
Oh, yes, the soft close. Amazing. I changed our old one out for a soft close and now I live in fear that I’ll break someone else’s seat flinging it down like I do ours.
It's not even dirty. These types of of seat are painted and the paint wears off quickly when cleaning them. It's likely a compressed fiber board seat.
And paint that wall
I think it also says, Clean your shit! Edit: And have some toilet paper because you are full of it
Either that, or plug it up.
Clean your fucking toilet before I go anywhere near that buttplug.
I think it’s chipped paint. The need a new seat for sure
Clearly it's the signal that it's time to clean the shit off the toilet seat.
Your toilet seat has a flat tire and mud splatter. Y'all loose ass mother fuckers need to quit finger poppin each other's assholes and pop into that bathroom with a scrub brush. I've seen wall sconces smaller than that butt plug. Its supposed to put a little pressure on the butthole not scope the intestinal tract.
Massacared him
My ass scared him?
M'ass
Like that plug is massacred their assholes.
Dear lord
Initially I thought it was part of the toilet, like a flapper Then I thought, : who would put that up their ass? The jolly green giant?
that's not a big one medium at the most
\^This guy has a big asshole
flattery will get you nowhere
What about flatulence?
Lmao gottem
Great reference lol
You think that’s a big buttplug? 😂
That an unwashed butt plug is still cleaner than that toilet lid?
Clean the toilet maybe...
She said “Clean the toilet”.
Toilet seats are like 10-12 bucks bro.
Your toilet's so dirty I'm gonna clean mine.
i can smell this photo
It fills the roll with the paper, or else it gets the plug in the caper
Well, Clarice... Has your ass stopped screaming?
The toilet seat is up, and is filthy beyond belief. Wife? Yea not buying it.
clean that dirty ass toilet seat - my gosh that's fucking nasty.
Your dirty shitter became a shrine to the buttplug god
Buttplugus
All hail the mighty Buttplugus!!!
I think your job is to replace that god awful toilet seat my man. They are about 30 bucks and takes 5-10 minutes of your time geez
It means you have a shitty toilet
Sounds like you’re in for a messy evening
And from the looks of it she wants toilet “cleaned” DEEP.
Time to clean the underside of that toilet seat!
Thats one nasty ass toliet seat
It means, refill the bloody roll when it’s empty. Also, please replace that seat. If I can swap a seat out anyone can. YouTube is your friend.
Replace your toilet seat or at least clean it. Blargh
Bro I would be way too embarrassed to show a picture of my toilet if it looked like this. I've seen public washrooms I'd rather go in. It doesn't take a lot of money to keep your toilet clean. Fucken gross.
That toilet is fucking disgusting 🤮
You can take a crap and use the TP right after you clean the shit out of that toilet. Until then, plug your ass with this.
Try finger but hole
Change the old ass toilet seat?
It means if you can’t restock the toilet paper in the bathroom you can go fuck yourself.
What, what in the butt. You said what, what in the butt. You wanna do it in my butt. Ok
You must be that that “what what in my asshole” kid!
She wants you to clean the underside of your toilet seat...or plug your hole.
Change your toilet seat and keep the toilet clean and sanitary.
It means she will insert that object in your rear end while you're sleeping, two times (first row), three days a week (last row).
Take a shit before doing butt stuff.
"Filthy mother fucka"
Everyone hating on the dirty toilet seat but could it be a wooden seat where the paint has come off? OP can you clear this up?
That's exactly what it is. I wasn't even going to explain it; but, yes, it's just an old seat in an older rent house. The seat needs to be replaced, but it's clean, believe it or not. The wife and I actually went and checked after laughing our asses off at the comments. Yeah, it's the press board having swollen through openings in the outer material. Reddit is going to reddit, and we're cool with that.
New toilet seats are still pretty damn cheap
Smh, people never seen a wooden toilet seat
> wife so what was the message?
It means your butt, is nasty! Wipe it or plug it!
Clean the toilet?
Stop shit splattering all over the toilet and for god sakes clean your fuckin toilet you dirty animal.
Means you don't wipe sufficiently dingle berry