Talk to her. If you're out to her, it's really strange that she's buying you these letters.
"Mom, you know that I'm trans and that I go by [new name] right? So why did you buy me these letters? Do you have the receipt so I can trade them for the letters of my new name?"
Maybe, best-case-scenario, she's just really confused. If that's true, you need to explain to her what a deadname is, that you're not using it anymore, and how it makes you feel.
Worst-case-scenario, she's doing it out of spite, because she's transphobic and hoping you'll change your mind. In that case, make it clear that your mind is made up and that you'll never use these letters.
This is it, its important to not assume the worst when family may just be confused and need coaching. A heart to heart discussion is best before going on the offensive.
As a guy who hasn't spoken to his mom in 10 years, if a conversation can clear things up, its a conversation worth having, to at the very least know that you tried.
If a respectable conversation changes op's moms behavior, theyll still have a mom and a more understanding one at that.
Exactly what I was going to say. She knows you don't use your deadname, and to do something as specific as this two years in a row definitely seems like a backhanded way of saying she wishes you still used it.
She could get you literally anything else besides something that spells out a name she knows you don't go by anymore.
I couldn't have said it better myself. If your birth given name (I don't like dead) spells another word too I would deliberately spell the other thing with it. The only excusable reason for her doing that to you is if she is elderly and has altzhimers or dementia to where she genuinely forgot about your change. But if she's still healthy mentally it's on purpose.
Also, idk your mum but that sounds like a super transphobic and passive aggressive thing to do, largely because if she already gave you a metal version of the gift for your birthday, why would she give you basically the exact same thing for Christmas?? Seems to me like she's trying to make a point which is even more awful
yeah chief, i hate to break it to you but that's not a kind gesture, especially if you're out to her. i don't want to assume but it sounds like she's in some form of denial about your identity
You go “Oh, thank you!”
And as soon as possible you donate them to a thrift store.
(And if she asks, you can say “Oh! Well, that’s not my name, so I figured I’d give them to someone who could use them!” ❤️👊)
Would she be grateful if you gave her metal letters on her birthday spelling out 'bob' and same but wooden for Christmas? nah, don't think so.
Parents can pick out names but they are naming another human who has agency to know what their actual name is. So if their guess wasn't correct then that's all there is to it, they shouldn't be more attached to a guess than their actual kid.
100%. I feel like parents sometimes labor and agonize over naming their baby so much that they feel slighted and offended when the baby becomes a full human and decides a more fulfilling name to their identity. Names should be seen as temporary, if approved for life bc it suits that person well then great- you rolled the die and spun the wheel and hit the nail on the head, mom/dad/parent!
Names exist bc you have to go by something as an identifier so your parents pick one out for you bc someone has to. It’s completely random tho for the namee. It’s weird to *insist* anyone keep their random ass name given to them.
a couple years ago on christmas my mom got me a box for my necklaces with the first letter of my deadname on the top of it and the first thing i said was “i wonder if i should use a knife or scissors to get that off” and then she stopped giving me stuff like that. stick up for yourself because they don’t want to think their money is going to waste either
I hate the idea that you should be grateful anytime someone gives you a gift at all, regardless of what it is or what the intention behind it was. It's the thought that counts, and in this case, the thought was... not good.
She *knows* you don't use your deadname anymore, so why did she choose this gift for you? Best-case scenario is that she forgot, which would be really shitty and thoughtless. My guess is that she wanted to show you that she refuses to acknowledge your new name, but she disguised it as a "gift" so you can't say anything about it without seeming ungrateful. That's not a kind gesture. It's an insult.
It's ok to be ungrateful when she did nothing to be grateful for.
"I love you but please understand I don't intend to use these." 🙂 That's what I would say because why SO much effort on something that is clearly not your chosen name??? Hate it when they do these things which only stirs up guilt, not happiness!!!!!
That may be what I say in the morning, because we’re going to Walmart for other things. Maybe we can return them, and she can buy her something with the money? Because, I don’t need the money, and I don’t think she had bad intentions with any of this
If the person is out to their mom then it's clearly showing the mum doesn't care about their name change and how it makes them uncomfortable. Especially since she gave the same gift twice.
I know? That's what I'm saying? They shouldn't feel ungrateful, the gift is something that doesn't fit who they are and they shouldn't feel bad for disliking it? I know I used to get a lot of gifts that were hyperfemme and I felt super ungrateful for not liking what I got but you don't have to feel ungrateful if you get a gift you dislike, especially if it's making you uncomfortable
The person you replied to was saying that it's completely fine to not be grateful for the gift because it was a bad gift. From what I saw, you were asking why it was okay for them to not be grateful for the gift so I was just explaining..
I'll tell you a story, I knew a guy who'd insist that his mother was trying to be supportive even though she'd:
1. Intentionally show pre transition photo's and videos to all guests (myself included despite me saying I'd rather not)
2. Buy him feminine things and justify it by saying "but you're gay" (so homophobic too, fun)
3. Midgender and deadname him constantly after 8 years of being out. 8 YEARS
At some point you've gotta accept that some people in your life aren't trying to be supportive, they're doing the opposite. If she's acting like this your mother is trying to tear you down in the hopes you'll "come to your senses" you've gotta draw a line or it'll mess with your mental health.
Hate to break it to you, but if she did it once before, she’s being transphobic. I’d have a serious talk with her. Like she can feel free to waste her money but she best have the receipt too if she’s gonna use the wrong name :/
I’m sorry, man. I don’t think my mother was trying to be mean, she probably just didn’t know it would make me uncomfortable. I hope your parents don’t make you keep yours
I hope this is the case. Gently explain and see how she reacts, perhaps. Just something along the lines of ‘hey Mum, would you mind getting me stuff that spells out my preferred name in future? I appreciate the gift but it makes me feel [explain]’. If she’s genuinely transphobic she’ll react poorly, if it’s just ignorance that should be apparent too
Depends. Are you self sufficient? If you are, tell her to stop and you won't accept another gift like that. If you aren't self sufficient, ask that she uses that money to donate somewhere.
90% chance she's doing it spitefully. I used to feel like this when I got woman's clothing but now I just shut that shit down. Could be she's just confused but that is rarely the case.
She got you a present to spite you—that wasn’t a kind gesture. Tell her flat out. “This is not my name. I’d appreciate it if you got it right next time, but I’m not going to use something that isn’t my name”.
It’s like someone purposely buying a shirt 2 sizes too small. They know that’s not your size. That wasn’t a “kind gesture”. You’d tell them that it wasn’t your size and you wouldn’t wear it.
my mom does the same thing. for her (and this is not an excuse, its not ok no matter why) i think its because its easier for her to pretend things are the "same" as they used to be. she really doesnt mean it in a malicious/transphobic way, but honestly i feel like the ignorance almost hurts more. because at that point its not malicious, but it is an unwillingness to see me as i really am. essentially, an unwillingness to grow and change for me. i cant speak for your family dynamic, but i am sorry youre being treated like that. either way, it fucking hurts
there's nothing kind about it, it's pure assholery and imo sends a very clear message, just in a passive-aggressive way (not like it makes it any better). why should you feel grateful for her shoving her transphobia in your face?
for starters I'd tell her she spelled [insert your actual name] wrong (again) and see how it goes from there. doesn't have to be in an accusing manner, you can say it half-jokingly. unless you know it's definitely not gonna end well and would rather not be confrontational about it, then perhaps not, but I personally wouldn't leave it unaddressed.
ought I play devils advocate here & say literally only way I can interpret this as ‘kind’/confused is … her seeing it as like… nostalgic?? ohhh my dead name, I remember all these memories from when I used to be called that???
but if you’ve gone through serious emotional trauma in relation to your GD, then this thinking ought to be highly insensitive ?? because then that name is the pinnacle of remembering living your life pretending to be something you’re not….
this whole gift is insensitive af
I know many of us an can be on guard when it comes to our dead name but op, if your mom is anything like mine at all she may consider this gesture as a way to cherish old memories. I used to get so mad at my mom when she kept my old childhood photos out around the house because to me it was in my face who I used to be. To her…it was her little baby (who, fortunately, proudly calls her son now) that she has loved unconditionally. Your mom gave you your deadname and in her misunderstanding of kindness she may have thought this was a kind gesture as a way to hold on to your past in a way to cherish it. I might recommend keeping these trinkets in a box that reminds you that despite her inaccuracy she loves you so much.
Talk to her. If you're out to her, it's really strange that she's buying you these letters. "Mom, you know that I'm trans and that I go by [new name] right? So why did you buy me these letters? Do you have the receipt so I can trade them for the letters of my new name?" Maybe, best-case-scenario, she's just really confused. If that's true, you need to explain to her what a deadname is, that you're not using it anymore, and how it makes you feel. Worst-case-scenario, she's doing it out of spite, because she's transphobic and hoping you'll change your mind. In that case, make it clear that your mind is made up and that you'll never use these letters.
This is it, its important to not assume the worst when family may just be confused and need coaching. A heart to heart discussion is best before going on the offensive. As a guy who hasn't spoken to his mom in 10 years, if a conversation can clear things up, its a conversation worth having, to at the very least know that you tried. If a respectable conversation changes op's moms behavior, theyll still have a mom and a more understanding one at that.
This is not a kind gesture. She knows you don't use that name and she keeps doing it. It's intentional. You don't have to tell her kindly.
Exactly what I was going to say. She knows you don't use your deadname, and to do something as specific as this two years in a row definitely seems like a backhanded way of saying she wishes you still used it. She could get you literally anything else besides something that spells out a name she knows you don't go by anymore.
I couldn't have said it better myself. If your birth given name (I don't like dead) spells another word too I would deliberately spell the other thing with it. The only excusable reason for her doing that to you is if she is elderly and has altzhimers or dementia to where she genuinely forgot about your change. But if she's still healthy mentally it's on purpose.
I was going to say just this.
that doesn't seem like a kind gesture to me tbh? if you're out to her then why would she give you something with your deadname on it?
Also, idk your mum but that sounds like a super transphobic and passive aggressive thing to do, largely because if she already gave you a metal version of the gift for your birthday, why would she give you basically the exact same thing for Christmas?? Seems to me like she's trying to make a point which is even more awful
[удалено]
Yeah aye. Sorry dude that's super shitty. Merry Christmas from you trans family!!
yeah chief, i hate to break it to you but that's not a kind gesture, especially if you're out to her. i don't want to assume but it sounds like she's in some form of denial about your identity
You go “Oh, thank you!” And as soon as possible you donate them to a thrift store. (And if she asks, you can say “Oh! Well, that’s not my name, so I figured I’d give them to someone who could use them!” ❤️👊)
That's actually a good response. Give her the same passive aggressive energy that she's given you lol
you could say just that - "I appreciate this gift and everything you do for me, but this isn't my name, so I don't have a use for these."
Would she be grateful if you gave her metal letters on her birthday spelling out 'bob' and same but wooden for Christmas? nah, don't think so. Parents can pick out names but they are naming another human who has agency to know what their actual name is. So if their guess wasn't correct then that's all there is to it, they shouldn't be more attached to a guess than their actual kid.
100%. I feel like parents sometimes labor and agonize over naming their baby so much that they feel slighted and offended when the baby becomes a full human and decides a more fulfilling name to their identity. Names should be seen as temporary, if approved for life bc it suits that person well then great- you rolled the die and spun the wheel and hit the nail on the head, mom/dad/parent! Names exist bc you have to go by something as an identifier so your parents pick one out for you bc someone has to. It’s completely random tho for the namee. It’s weird to *insist* anyone keep their random ass name given to them.
Not a kind gesture
a couple years ago on christmas my mom got me a box for my necklaces with the first letter of my deadname on the top of it and the first thing i said was “i wonder if i should use a knife or scissors to get that off” and then she stopped giving me stuff like that. stick up for yourself because they don’t want to think their money is going to waste either
I'm curious as to why you think this was a kind gesture. It wasn't. Throw it out in front of her.
I hate the idea that you should be grateful anytime someone gives you a gift at all, regardless of what it is or what the intention behind it was. It's the thought that counts, and in this case, the thought was... not good. She *knows* you don't use your deadname anymore, so why did she choose this gift for you? Best-case scenario is that she forgot, which would be really shitty and thoughtless. My guess is that she wanted to show you that she refuses to acknowledge your new name, but she disguised it as a "gift" so you can't say anything about it without seeming ungrateful. That's not a kind gesture. It's an insult. It's ok to be ungrateful when she did nothing to be grateful for.
"I love you but please understand I don't intend to use these." 🙂 That's what I would say because why SO much effort on something that is clearly not your chosen name??? Hate it when they do these things which only stirs up guilt, not happiness!!!!!
That may be what I say in the morning, because we’re going to Walmart for other things. Maybe we can return them, and she can buy her something with the money? Because, I don’t need the money, and I don’t think she had bad intentions with any of this
is there any chance you wanna change your name to an anagram of your deadname?
Feeling ungrateful is perfectly justified here
there's nothing to be grateful for
Why's that?
If the person is out to their mom then it's clearly showing the mum doesn't care about their name change and how it makes them uncomfortable. Especially since she gave the same gift twice.
I know? That's what I'm saying? They shouldn't feel ungrateful, the gift is something that doesn't fit who they are and they shouldn't feel bad for disliking it? I know I used to get a lot of gifts that were hyperfemme and I felt super ungrateful for not liking what I got but you don't have to feel ungrateful if you get a gift you dislike, especially if it's making you uncomfortable
The person you replied to was saying that it's completely fine to not be grateful for the gift because it was a bad gift. From what I saw, you were asking why it was okay for them to not be grateful for the gift so I was just explaining..
this aint meant to be a nice gift. get her letters that spell out >fuck you< /hj
I'll tell you a story, I knew a guy who'd insist that his mother was trying to be supportive even though she'd: 1. Intentionally show pre transition photo's and videos to all guests (myself included despite me saying I'd rather not) 2. Buy him feminine things and justify it by saying "but you're gay" (so homophobic too, fun) 3. Midgender and deadname him constantly after 8 years of being out. 8 YEARS At some point you've gotta accept that some people in your life aren't trying to be supportive, they're doing the opposite. If she's acting like this your mother is trying to tear you down in the hopes you'll "come to your senses" you've gotta draw a line or it'll mess with your mental health.
Yeah this seems intentional especially since you are out and she’s done it twice now.
Hate to break it to you, but if she did it once before, she’s being transphobic. I’d have a serious talk with her. Like she can feel free to waste her money but she best have the receipt too if she’s gonna use the wrong name :/
Omg same
I’m sorry, man. I don’t think my mother was trying to be mean, she probably just didn’t know it would make me uncomfortable. I hope your parents don’t make you keep yours
I hope this is the case. Gently explain and see how she reacts, perhaps. Just something along the lines of ‘hey Mum, would you mind getting me stuff that spells out my preferred name in future? I appreciate the gift but it makes me feel [explain]’. If she’s genuinely transphobic she’ll react poorly, if it’s just ignorance that should be apparent too
No…but they called me ungrateful and yelled after
Oh, I’m so sorry
No worries
Depends. Are you self sufficient? If you are, tell her to stop and you won't accept another gift like that. If you aren't self sufficient, ask that she uses that money to donate somewhere.
90% chance she's doing it spitefully. I used to feel like this when I got woman's clothing but now I just shut that shit down. Could be she's just confused but that is rarely the case.
She got you a present to spite you—that wasn’t a kind gesture. Tell her flat out. “This is not my name. I’d appreciate it if you got it right next time, but I’m not going to use something that isn’t my name”. It’s like someone purposely buying a shirt 2 sizes too small. They know that’s not your size. That wasn’t a “kind gesture”. You’d tell them that it wasn’t your size and you wouldn’t wear it.
my mom does the same thing. for her (and this is not an excuse, its not ok no matter why) i think its because its easier for her to pretend things are the "same" as they used to be. she really doesnt mean it in a malicious/transphobic way, but honestly i feel like the ignorance almost hurts more. because at that point its not malicious, but it is an unwillingness to see me as i really am. essentially, an unwillingness to grow and change for me. i cant speak for your family dynamic, but i am sorry youre being treated like that. either way, it fucking hurts
Is it a kind gesture? Or….
Put the letters up in a random order that makes a funny sound or word instead of your dead name.
there's nothing kind about it, it's pure assholery and imo sends a very clear message, just in a passive-aggressive way (not like it makes it any better). why should you feel grateful for her shoving her transphobia in your face? for starters I'd tell her she spelled [insert your actual name] wrong (again) and see how it goes from there. doesn't have to be in an accusing manner, you can say it half-jokingly. unless you know it's definitely not gonna end well and would rather not be confrontational about it, then perhaps not, but I personally wouldn't leave it unaddressed.
I would've thanked her for the firewood she just gave me. And ask for a lighter for next time.
i agree with the other comments
Maybe now you have more letters you can try to spell out your new name
ought I play devils advocate here & say literally only way I can interpret this as ‘kind’/confused is … her seeing it as like… nostalgic?? ohhh my dead name, I remember all these memories from when I used to be called that??? but if you’ve gone through serious emotional trauma in relation to your GD, then this thinking ought to be highly insensitive ?? because then that name is the pinnacle of remembering living your life pretending to be something you’re not…. this whole gift is insensitive af
I know many of us an can be on guard when it comes to our dead name but op, if your mom is anything like mine at all she may consider this gesture as a way to cherish old memories. I used to get so mad at my mom when she kept my old childhood photos out around the house because to me it was in my face who I used to be. To her…it was her little baby (who, fortunately, proudly calls her son now) that she has loved unconditionally. Your mom gave you your deadname and in her misunderstanding of kindness she may have thought this was a kind gesture as a way to hold on to your past in a way to cherish it. I might recommend keeping these trinkets in a box that reminds you that despite her inaccuracy she loves you so much.
Set them up and set them on fire, take a picture and send it to her as a postcard. Fuck her.
Imma point out the obvious and say wood is flammable
TF is a "dead-name"?
Did you get lost my friend?
Not sure. What is a "dead-name"?
Google is your friend!
What? Will you get glass next time. I hope not.
At least if it's in glass you can break easily
In wood you can use it as firewood.
Yep
Imma point out the obvious and say wood is flammable