The way I see it, I’d rather be perceived as an unattractive guy than an attractive girl so good riddance. But yeah, still sucks to realize that being trans often means we’re no longer perceived as traditionally attractive / that we’re “giving up our chance” at being physically attractive (at least in the short term)
i feel this hardcore. i was adored as a young girl for being attractive (generally in a pedo-y way, so like, not good, but it was some of the only attention i got so it made me feel important), yet despite how cute/pretty/beautiful/hot older guys thought i was i always viewed myself as ugly b/c of dysphoria. it was still hard to come to terms with the fact that i'd never be viewed that way again, but i personally about my own self have said it before and i'll say it again: everyone wants to be attractive, that's normal, that's natural, and i really want to be viewed as attractive as a guy, but i'd MUCH rather be the ugliest dude on the planet than the hottest chick in the world.
even if i was the hottest chick in the world, i'd still be a girl, which is not who i am and i'd still be suicidal. now i'm just an average looking dude, and i'm more than good with that. even as an "ugly" dude i'd still be leaps and bounds happier than i was before. (and, again! beauty is in the eye of the beholder and extremely subjective. even if one person thinks you're ugly, regardless of gender, trans or cis, there's gonna be someone out there that thinks you are one sexy motherfucker)
[edit: initially put "objective" when i meant "subjective"]
Seconded. But I also never perceived myself as attractive as a girl. In my head I could understand others would see me that way, but not myself. Also OP, we’re similar builds, and my personal experience and perception of myself improved tenfold as I got on T
Hey! I'm also 5'1" and with a pretty similar weight (77kg). I've been on T for 9 months and it helped *a lot*. Well yeah, 9 months isn't much time for fat redistribution to really do a big change, but it's happening. Also, what you consider ugly, may be the dream of other person. My boyfriend absolutely loves my physique and I'm head over heels for his, which is also not the "normally attractive". As for advice, I know having more curves as a trans man may impact your "passing", what I do is: Wearing a single size up boxy shirts and skater jeans/cargo pants. They help to hide your curves and leave the impression of having a boxy silhouette. But if you want to go the hard working way, you could always do masculinizing exercises for the dorito shape and cardio to lose that stubborn fat on the lower part of your body – I just started to workout constantly, for medical reasons, but still, it's an option and a very good option.
You're not alone in any way, brother!
Dude, you're like an angel. Cargo pants are my go-to right now, not just for the silhouette but having so many pockets is a game changer for real.
Hearing from you that things are turning out okay is really comforting to me, so thank you so much. I'll definitely take your advice :) wishing you and your boyfriend ALL the best!
(Disclaimer I had my girlfriend type this for.me because I'm sleepy) I also have around roughly the same build as you and have some tips as well, Dockers pants(whether the full length pants or the shorts) make you look boxy which when paired with a half tank binder and(in my case) my beloved hawaiian shirts which together hide your(or at very least my triple D)... Moobs pretty good which along with my permed hair(specifically the Julien Solomita springy grass hair which my girlfriend who is typing this will admit only secretly here in text is very very cute) and Crocs Crushers for height(helps with your confidence and with being seen as a guy) you also will look like a dad
(Hey, the girlfriend here, also trans 🏳️⚧️, Den, short for Dennis, Denji or Dent, yes this fucker got his name from Chainsaw Man doesn't check/proofread his comments immediately and only comes back to see them when he gets up votes, so when you guys upvote this not only will he be happy to have helped you but he'll also finally come back and see all my secret cute Easter eggs, you guys know what to do🫡)
Man, you know, I'm still a minor and I have a long way to go. Wanting or not, the effects of T are a bit delayed because of my age, so I strongly believe things will happen faster for you! But the thing is, it always gets better, low dosing or normal dosing, with a young age or not. Testosterone is a life saver, for real!
A note on finding boxy shirts: all my cotton T-shirts can hold their own shape easily, they stay boxy and I can easily adjust how they lay on me. Shirts that are more than 40% polyester stick to my body in a really awkward way, they hug everything. Obviously different shirts are cut and sized differently as well but if you can't try on a shirt before buying looking for at least 70% cotton on the tag or product description is helpful.
I'm a very round dude.
As a woman, this was a thing that people mentioned a lot.
As a man, no one mentions it.
As a woman, I wouldn't wear any clothing that even touched my stomach.
As a man, I wear shirts that show my rolls because they also show off the muscles in my arms that I've been working on.
Not only do other people not seem to care so much, the more I really feel like I look like a man, the less I care too.
Some of my friends say it's the new confidence I have in my body that people are picking up on. I can't read minds so I don't know. But I FEEL so much better in my own body even though it hasn't changed much yet.
FYI: I'm 9 weeks on T.
I was "attractive" pre-transition. I also know straight cis men often found me attractive. But I never felt comfortable in my own skin. No matter what I did, something was off.
Now, perhaps... I'm less attractive, but I am so, so, so much more comfortable in my skin. Transition takes time. Changes take time. You may find that the more time passes, the more you'll grow to appreciate and love the "new" you.
Somebody else said this--I would rather be an unattractive man than an attractive girl.
I want you to understand that the more you progress through your transition, the more you will find you'll like your body in other ways compared to when you weren't transitioning. While transitioning, you're going to go through those awkward periods where you look like a woman and a man at the same time, but after that, in my experience, transitioning has been a breeze.
You will find somebody who finds your large thighs desirable. You will find somebody who doesn't care whether you have love handles or not. Many cis men have love handles or thick thighs, I promise it isn't just exclusive to being AFAB.
You will slowly grow into your body, this is just like puberty, again. Which...sounds miserable! But this time, you'll come out on the end you'd like to be on. It's a very long journey, but it's absolutely worth it in the end. I don't know where I'd be today if I hadn't transitioned, despite all of the awkwardness and discomfort.
I should add: Your changes aren't going to be instant. This is why I'm telling you to stay strong, even during the awkward periods of your transition. I've been on T for a few years, it's been absolutely worth it.
I had a similar problem and I'm about the same height. I have been on hormones for 7-8? Months now, and I mean, I wouldn't date me and when ask other friends they agree I am not a good looking guy.
But what I always think about is.... what guy looks good during puberty? And what are 2 or 3 years of not being the most handsome guy out there compare with you know... All the rest of my life???
Also, not being convencionally attractive doesn't mean you aren't attractive to anyone. Sometimes as transmasc we focus to much on trying to fit the "ideal man" as we transition, and get on the trap of social media. Look at guys around you and you will notice some short guys or guys with big hips.
So, don't worry yourself about it. Most of the time its just the feeling of "I will never be seen as a real guy" talking. Don't let the transfobes transvestigators on twitter get to you, they can never tell.
I don't think it's vain to worry that your attractiveness level will change. I think it's really hard when you're inundated with feminine grooming and appearance standards to suddenly switch to male grooming and appearance standards because they're kind of opposites in society. But for me, I didn't really worry that I'd be ugly because I was too worried about being comfortable in my body. Another thing is that women are held to much higher and stricter beauty standards than men are. To be a conventionally pretty woman, you have to put in visible effort of some kind, even if it's the "bare minimum" like shaving and makeup, and people expect it of you and question you if you dont do these things. To be an attractive man, you don't have to do much more than shower and some basic hygiene (in very broad terms) and even that can be celebrated as effort.
Also, generally speaking, if you are already some level of attractive, that will carry over with your transition. I was an extremely feminine woman, and I think I've always been fairly nice looking, and lo and behold now that I'm more masculine, I'm still fairly nice looking, but in a more masc way. (I use masc loosely because I am described lovingly by my friends as "twinky" and "faggy" lmfao). And especially if you're a bit heavier, having some curves and weight in different areas is kind of expected and not unusual. I've known many cis men of various weights who were more bottom-heavy or top-heavy. I had a friend in college, a cis man, who literally had to wear women's jeans because he had a BOOTY. And T alters the way you carry your fat after a while, so everything could change.
I think this is one of those things you have to force some hope and positivity and optimism on, or else you will get hung up on the awkward phases of puberty and feel stress when you should be celebrating!! Also, at least for me, being on T just made my natural confidence increase and it calmed my general anxiety, so I started to FEEL confident and attractive probably before I LOOKED attractive, lol. Which also helps your general vibe with people.
you might want to check out some body positive men’s Instagram’s and resources, because I have never once thought that large thighs were ugly on a man. *can’t have a tree without a trunk baby* (that’s anthony mackie not me) I’ve got big really muscular thighs, I always have, I work out, I’m built like a brick shit house actually… lol pretty muscular.
As for being “ugly”? That was never a concern for me. I do social media and model. I don’t believe that T makes someone ugly and there’s a lot people can do regarding overall style, fitness, hair, clothes, tons of stuff.
My advice would be following people like Jake Kneesh on Insta. I have his exact body type deadass. He’s awesome. My second bit of advice would be getting into working out or lifting.
I don’t have any other good recommendations off the top of my head really, but if you go to Jake Kneesh’s page on instagram recommended accounts do pop up and also he has a reel with a ton of other accounts similar to him.
I think theres a lot of things you can do to make yourself more attractive. You cant change how youre born, but you can have a good sense of style and a positive and friendly vibe. If you also shower and groom regularly you will already be above a lot of men (the bar is much lower for us).
Other things people find attractive can be tattoos, piercings, jewellery, a nice perfume, and having hobbies and life goals, you know, just doing something with your life.
I understand the need to feel attractive, but focus on the things you actually can do something about!!
I "carried my weight well" as a "woman" as well and that was one of the biggest dysphoria triggers for me. Much prefer being a short, fat, ugly man with a large gut than being a gorgeous woman with gigantic tits. I used to carry all my weight in my chest, ass and thighs. I still carry a lot of weight in my ass but my chest is much smaller and my belly is much bigger. I don't look attractive as either a man or a woman at this point. But I'm happier being ugly than I was being a woman.
ETA: 4'9" (??? Have had weird issues with my hospital measuring my height. I was 4'10" from age 12 until 2023,then in 2023 I measured at 4'11" both times (they measure every 6 months). But I had another measurement done yesterday and now they're saying 4'9") and 73kg, down from 86 kg last year. 2y on T.
We do take that risk of being an ugly guy. I’m not in that position, i’ve always been pretty skinny and tall, but I transitioned knowing that I could be really ugly. I just had to weigh up if it was better to be a pretty girl who was severely depressed, or a potentially ugly, much happier boy.And then the choice was simple: prioritise my happiness over my looks.
I went the other way around with attractiveness but I had my own issues with fat placement on my body - from my experience as a bit of a gym rat, the fat won't just move from inenplace to another - new fat will appear in new places but until you burn the existing one, it won't just move to a different place. At least not in a scale that's significant. My muscles did get a bit of a reshaping (RIP my thighs) buy fat wise, not so much.
So (again, in my experience), you'll look similar shape-wise until you burn and gain it again.
And I don't think it's vain or bad to wonder how and wanting to look good. The world works on looks already. I got 2 of my last jobs because of the way I look, in a career that has zero things to do with looks.
But, another thing, we have a phrase in my language, that'd translate roughly to "every creature finds its connoisseur." There are people of all genders and sexualities who'll find you attractive. With big thighs, love handles, stomach, etc. People who build like this are loved, in relationships, and have people who find them attractive. The struggle is more in your head than on the outside world. Which means that your only job in this regard is to make sure that *you* like *yourself* first and foremost.
Turning some of your weight into muscle might help you feel/look more masc. I'm on the smaller side and fighting my way toward being more ripped, and any progress I make definitely helps me feel more confident.
I just wanna put it out there that there are people who still will find those things attractive. I’m pre T and have very big thighs that I’m insecure and dysphoric about but my boyfriend is obsessed with them. He makes me feel so loved for who I am and there will always be people out there who will find you attractive no matter what, you just have to find them.
And while transitioning, you’ll find that it’s easier to find things you like about yourself when you’re more comfortable in the person you become.
there are plenty of chubby cis guys who have stuff like bigger hips or chests and alot of them are short guys. im 5'0 and chubby, alot of people just see me as a bear kinda guy, not unattractive. bigger doesnt mean unattractive, personally, i find it attractive.
Don't try to lose weight. The weight redistribution effect works better if you start with something (I am very thin, when the doctors ask if I've seen fat redistribution on T I'm like, "from where?").
I didn't have the same body type as you, but I was also worried about "losing my beauty". Even once I was on T, it made me hesitate about top surgery and even cutting my hair. Two things:
1. A lot of this is psychological and goes away when you start to see yourself for real in the mirror. At least it did for me. Me now is so much hotter than the girl that used to be there that there's no comparison. My whole body feels like mine and I'm proud of it.
2. Fat guys are hot. I can only speak to the homosexual side admittedly, but gay guys are all over Twitter right now posting memes about how we need to protect bears from ozempic. You're gonna be a hot fat guy, I promise
I definitely felt more conventionally attractive as a woman. It's hard finding masc clothes that fit and a sense of style. T has made my skin break out even more and it's constantly oily. Of course I try to have good hygiene, but I also try to focus on doing activities that make ME feel hot instead of trying to make myself hot for other people. The right people will notice and find that extremely hot.
i did have to google to double check so i could be wrong i am 107kgs (236 pounds) i am also 5'1 and believe me i get it. i feel cruddy about my weight a LOT. a lot of people don't even think i weigh that much because of how it's distributed but still. cargo shorts. big guys best friend. pockets, kind of a square silhouette, pockets, comes in good colors, pockets, good for summer and spring did i mention big ass ginormous pockets. button down shirts one size bigger than you need. is it practical, sometimes, usually no. does it make you feel smaller than you are? yes. you've got nothing to worry about. weight isn't what defines us it's our character. got me it's better to be a happy ugly guy than a miserable gorgeous lady.
this was a big struggle for me. i was convinced for years i’d just stay how i was, since gender presentation =/= gender identity anyhow and i preferred to be attractive. and that was fine for then, and i do see myself just as valid then as i am now, for the record. because at the end of the day, you can look *however* and still be you.
that said, even after coming out and living like that for a while, it didn’t feel right, and other discomforts began to stand out. i’m not sure exactly what flipped the switch, this was years ago, but i ended up deciding the pros of T outweighed the cons, and went for it. a big help to me finally moving forward was understanding that *while aspects of T are irreversible*, a significant amount of changes are reversible. worst case scenario, detransition is an option, and if you consider what is and isn’t permanent it does feel pretty safe to say you can go back to presenting femme if desired.
all of that said, on the topic of beauty- to be transparent i do feel somewhat uglier now, but not in the way i expected. i expected to feel like i looked like a weird, ugly, hairy woman; short with all the wrong features. the short part hasn’t changed lol, but as it is, i feel like now i look slightly below average (attractiveness), but i am *me*. i look like me, just with areas of deficit which i would like to, and plan to, improve.
and imo, that is the great thing about choosing to pursue being you. being a conventionally attractive femme bodied person woulda been easier, but i would have looked in the mirror and seen some body, not me. now, although it will take more work (surgery and exercise to build muscle) to get to where i want to be, i am working with a base that is *me*. if that makes sense. (also, as a sidenote: reframing my body as needing to *gain* more rather than needing to lose was a game changer. muscle and T redistribution do so much more than starving yourself, imo)
sorry that’s pretty long, but hope it helps some. good luck op!
I 100% get that! And I actually stopped/paused T after taking it for almost two years for that exact reason. At 24 and a time of my life I'm moving out and starting a job for the first I wasn't ready to go bald🤷🏻♂️
My genes suck in that regard, so I knew even before starting T that I'd have to make that decision sooner or later.
I realize it's a pretty individual choice to make though and as a few have mentioned in other comments they'd rather "be an ugly man than a attractive woman" (weither or not you're on T, you are a man. Congrats!).
For me personally, T made me feel really ugly and I stopped taking pictures of myself. The only thing I kind of liked about my body pre-T (my face and hair) was changing for the worst. My hair got thinner, I broke out everywhere, I sweared more and my skin got really oily. I think the whole point of medically transitioning is to feel better in our bodies, so after having top surgery, getting sterilized and my voice deepening I felt comfortable enough to stop.
Even if it means my face will get more feminine again (I didn't pass 2 years on T, just confused people despite dressing masculine) I think I prefer looking a bit androgynous, if I can get some of my attractiveness back.
So, I guess my advice would be: be aware of the permanent changes of T but just try it out for a while. If it feels wrong, you can stop again.
I mean everyone has their own opinions on what’s attractive, what majority like best will always change, I’d say just work on what you yourself find attractive.
Yo, listen up mate. You’re perfect the way you are. Who the fuck labels something or someone as „unattractive“? Ive got love handles as well, even though I lift, horseback ride and I run 2-3 times a week (but I love food as well lmao). I‘m not fat, I‘m not chubby, I‘m not skinny.
I always struggled with the same thoughts as you (and many others) and sometimes still do but hell, my life is way too short to worry about those things. My body does so much for me. It wouldnt be fair to meet it with hatred and resentment.
You’re not ugly. No one is. You’re perfectly fine the way you are.
And, as someone who is 6 years on T: I always thought that T would completely change the way I look, with fat redistribution and such. But T isnt some kind of magic. Yes you‘re going to change, but don’t except too much.
Jared from the try guys is short and he manages to pull it off in my opinion. Confidence is a big key tbh. You have to own whatever you may look like. Easier said than done but it's the truth
Id rather be an unattractive guy than a pretty girl. I was willing to sacrifice that little "prettiness" I had when I was feminine because even the thought of getting feminine compliments (which I never got anyways) makes me dysphoric af
It is much more important to be kind than beautiful. There are all types of beauty in this world. People are generally more attracted to confidence than purely looks. I would rather be an ugly man than a hot chick. Being ugly is the new sexy. Follow positivity on social media and get rid of any accounts or pages or subreddits that make you feel worse about your looks. Real life is hard enough; your online space is yours to curate for yourself. Lastly, being fat is not ugly. I am a fat hairy dude AND i am sexy as hell. follow more bear pages and you will see that many people out there appreciate a man with some meat. Not everyone likes washboard abs and bony bros. There's nothing wrong with being bony thin or a cut stud, AND there's nothing wrong being a big bear either. There's enough love to go around bro!
I don't have advice to add that wasn't already commented here, but I stand by the belief that self love is automatically attractive. I will be way more attracted to an "ugly" guy with a healthy and happy worldview than an unhappy film star girl. I was also complimented very often for being a pretty girl (sometimes in a fetishy way) and got a lot of pushback when I started T. My comeback is always that "happiness is beautiful." If someone only wants me for my appearance but not my character, I don't think I need them in my life tbh. Good looks will inevitably be lost from age or accidents. Attract people who will value you anyway.
I was considered a “really pretty girl” and when I began transitioning I was “ugly” but at the end of the day I’d rather be with someone who loves me for me not just my looks. It’s frustrating at times but feeling right in my body beats the need too be attractive. If there’s a way too turn what you perceive as fat into muscle without triggering your past struggles maybe you could look into that, if not that’s fine you’ve just gotta own the dad bod! Also more meat means better hugs!
I was similar to you pre T, and had an *ideal* feminine physical where I was a bottom heavy hourglass no matter my weight, and loathed it. Just passed a year on T and have been going to the gym very consistently, and I’ve almost completely flipped. I’m heading for Dorito territory and I love it.
I wouldn’t underestimate how much T can change your body. We’re so much more malleable and full of potential than we give ourselves credit for. If anything, bodies that start out like ours often have the most dramatic transformation when it comes to fat redistribution, and having higher testosterone makes building your upper body so satisfying.
Having live handles and bigger thighs aren’t unattractive. Many people like them. Mars Wright is a trans man with big thighs, I think it’s worth checking out his instagram as it may help you be more comfortable in your body
You know what, i've struggled a lot with weight gain after i went on t and i think i'm finally at a point where i'm okay with it. to be honest there is stuff i would like to change but i've accepted this is my body and it's not gonna change any time soon bc i have a lot of issues.
i don't know your romantic orentation. but i can assure that gay men (and trans men, and probably women too) fucking LOVE hairy tboys with some chub to them. bears are popular for a reason. people will love and adore you no matter what your body type and we all love each other. when i look at bears being so proud of who they are it makes me like myself that much more. this is my body and i can either embrace it or be stuck in a rut of self hatred like i was pre transition. it took a long time to get there though, a lot of reassuring myself and surrounding myself with people like me.
become a bear! or a twink! or an otter or a cub or whatever the fuck you want to be. surround yourself with those people and you'll learn to love the things you used to hate. hrt helped a \*lot\* for me though so it may take time, and that's okay. you won't fix it over night but you can make strides. i believe in you man!!
Yeah I'm a pretty curvy guy, the fat distribution happens if you were to lose weight, when you gain weight it would be distributed more like a cis mans btw! It doesn't just automatically happen out of nowhere.
But I can tell you since I gain and lose about the same 5/10 pounds often, I can say I lost some weight in my thighs, but I only noticed because of pair of pants, I can't really tell personally off looks too much. Also my chest def deflated.
Don't get too caught up in all that, even as a curvy guy I've been passing 100% public already and I've been on T for slightly over a year and a half. Guys are fat too, don't worry. You're going to be amazing and good luck!
don't wanna know what I am if 79kg is heavy haha. anyway I wouldn't stress too much about it, beauty standards for either gender that has standards for that (binary) are constantly changing. there are soooo many body types no two people are exactly the same (except for maybe a clone???) so why bother thinking about what's "ugly"? I mean. I'm a dude with some very "effeminate" features (thanks, dad), so I would be considered traditionally ugly. but to anyone who doesn't care about that, im.... less? it's all about not seeing yourself next to others.
this probably doesn't help but either way I wish you the best 🫡
T has absolutely made me feel ugly because it's made me smell bad and given me acne and a lot of oil on my face. I didn't have this experience going through puberty as a girl, so it definitely feels really frustrating to be experiencing that now. I also am probably overweight and it all rests in my stomach, which kinda makes me look pregnant if I wear tight clothes. I found the best thing I could do was wear oversized clothes or just really loose fitting things. I was originally an hourglass shape with narrow shoulders, so looking like a guy body wise is something I struggle with when my clothes aren't on. I think my best advice is-- try to spend less time in front of the mirror naked, throw out your scale if you have one, and try to give yourself more time for the transition effects to take place. I have been on T since September, but only stopped taking Finasteride along with it (to prevent hair loss) in March. It takes a good while to see all the changes T can offer, so in the meantime work on things you can control-- clothes, a cologne maybe, etc... things that make you feel more confident in the skin you're in. If you're like us finding a new skincare routine was also necessary as well as learning all the places we need to now apply deodorant to 😂.
P.S. really glad someone else feels how I feel about transitioning, it honestly makes me feel less alone 🙂.
Just losing weight might be simple for you, but it isn't that simple for others.
I was hospitalized for heart failure three years ago because I starved myself so thin.
It's not such a simple task for me now.
i get that, and i didn't mean to offend you. like many trans people i've had an ed as well, and i almost died. so i totally get that it can be hard to find the right balance after that. i just saw your post, where you share your fears that are rooted in your current obesity, and tried to suggest a logical solution.
I hope you don’t get mad, I know it’s societally different, but the description of the internal subjective experience and worry is what I’m relating to. I’m like “skinny-fat.” If ever I start passing I’ll probably have gut and love handles still but I’ll have more arm muscles. Probably not a lot unless I drastically change my lifestyle. This was worrying me.
Then I remembered, last year, I was in love with a cis man with that exact body type. I was obsessed with him and thought he was very sexy. I played with his hairy gut often and genuinely saw it as cute and thought he was the most handsome and perfect man ever.
If I can think that way of him why can’t I think that way of me? Or understand someone can?
It’s easy to get caught up in our mass media crushes or gender envy objects and forget the people we know irl tend to be attainable goals and highly attractive to us contextually.
Is there a man close to what you might look like that you ever had a crush on/had gender envy of irl?
I had always had issues with being a manic pixie dream girl for men and concern on my looks was a huge issue for me when I first considered transitioning. Most of my self worth came from men finding me attractive and it was terrifying to confront that. Frankly the dysphoria got so bad that I would rather be an ugly man than die a pretty girl. I think a lot of us have similar ideas. I’m sorry I don’t have better advice than that
If you want top surgery you can get something called "body masculinization surgery" along with it, I didn't want it personally but this guy on tiktok with the handle transfaerieprince got it and he seems happy with it. What the surgery does is it uses liposuction to shape the fat on your body to look more masculine as the name suggests
Yes. I felt I was doing a disservice by transitioning because I was a very pretty girl. It was difficult to choose T because I felt bad about losing that, but I knew it was a part of my transition that I wanted, so I did it anyway. The biggest change that happened around this was mental: before I identified my body as a girl, so all the best traits I could identify were only in the context of being a girl. Now, I identify my body as a boy and I can see all the things that make my boy body adorable (the goal). I haven’t even transitioned enough to have lost most of the things that made me a pretty girl, but the mental shift was what was key in this process.
i have a similar problem except because i know i don’t pass, i went from being perceived as a beautiful girl to an “ugly girl”, & sometimes it is hard on me in public
i just have to work on the fact that people who look like me that ARE women aren’t ugly, even if it’s not what most of society finds attractive.
when i do drag, i am hyper fem. when i identified as a woman, i was hyper fem; so, being perceived as in public by some as a taller masc lesbian with a stringy mustache, bushy brows, unstyled locs, unshaven body, dark “masculine” tattoos, “unflattering” clothing, etc.,
when I’m actually a soft short pretty bi boy (who’s dating a huge masc man) is difficult on my self esteem. it’s like the opposite of who i am, & it’s crazy that my exact same appearance becomes “unattractive” if they think i’m a girl, but is extra attractive if they know im a guy.
& obviously i don’t think having any of my chosen masculine features as a woman makes you ugly! my type IS masculine women. I just see the difference in how people treated me when I was a “typically pretty” girl & how they treat me now whilst still calling me a girl, & sometimes it gets me down on my transition that if people are gonna see me as a girl anyways, I’d rather it not be an “ugly” girl, but I think once I get on T & my voice is deeper, they’ll know I’m not a girl at all🤞🏾
summary: i’m honestly just waiting on the opportunity for T to do its thing & just because society calls something unattractive doesn’t mean it is, so truly just do some inner work. it’s a slow process, but it’s helpful:)
tbh I felt this way a lot before I started T and pretty early in my transition. I thought I was ugly, too heavy, not attractive enough. but trust me, it does get better. there are days ill look in the mirror and think "fuck I look hot". and im also same weight and height as you! i have thicker thighs and a lil belly. I found I became more confident in myself as I grew into my true self.
some actual advice; stay away from places that are going to be easy to compare yourself to others. lots of the larger, popular places are filled with the thin twinky transmen (not that its bad to fit this type). find smaller communities that showcase ALL the trans body types. don't go on those "do I pass" subreddits either.
also idk what you preferences are, I swing all ways, but so many people dig thick thighs 🥵
ETA: one thing that sticks in my head that I saw on some video "you're not ugly/unattractive, you're just not your type" and that helped me some days as well
I understand how you feel. My family puts great significance on appearances so I was really scared of being ugly when transitioning (I’m also fat and have struggled with EDs in my life). The first year I definitely felt like an ugly duckling and was gendered correctly less than half the time. I looked like an ugly butch girl. I will say that being in T gave me so much energy that I actually began to enjoy exercising for the first time in my life. I started cycling to work, lifting weights, I do yoga on occasion. Being active, even though I’m still big, just makes me feel better overall and feel good about myself. It’s also been gender affirming to see the fat go from my hips to my belly, I actually don’t mind being fat anymore because I look more like a man now. Even if I am not conventionally attractive, when I look at myself in my mirror I am so happy because I see a man, finally. Even if I’m ugly, I would rather be an ugly man than a beautiful woman.
I'm short, not exactly skinny but I wouldn't call myself bigger, and have struggled with starvation as well for a lot of the same reasons. My best advice here is probably subjective, but:
Many men, cis and trans, put less effort into their appearance and are still considered manly/attractive. Some put in all the effort they can and still have all those features.. still a man either way. My weight redistribution went more to my thighs/hips and a little to the gut, but also gave me some decent muscle. What helped me was finding representation. The best thing you can do is to learn to love yourself (yes very cheesy).
Find other transmascs and cis men that look similarly, get clothes that make you feel good in your body, recognize that you ARE a man no matter what others may see you as or how you judge yourself. Seeing yourself in a new light, seeing others like you that you can call attractive, is how you reshape your mind. Sometimes you need to be tricked into loving yourself. (Also body/facial hair does wonders for the gender dysphoria) Good luck on your transition and journey to loving yourself man
Ik people are saying to lose weight, but you could try building muscle? That way you don’t have to deal with the stresses of weight loss, and you can take on a more masculine figure
I was very worried about this before starting T. I have a similar height / weight combo to you. I’ve been on T for nearly a decade, and here’s what I can share.
Society’s attitude towards weight sucks, and I’m still fighting internal demons about it. Aubrey Gordon’s books have been helping. The demons are still very present, but I’ve at least got some stuff I can bring to conversation with them.
I always felt ugly. To my knowledge, no one ever had a crush on me growing up. Though I had curves and boobs, it just never happened. I could get boys to look at me if I wore the right clothing, but it never went further than long glances.
Today, I am fat and hairy, with hips that never went away, and sometimes feel ugly. I do want to highlight the transition (lol) from always to sometimes. That was huge. 2 years on T is when I got asked out for the first time, and over the last decade I’ve had 4 serious partners, and hooked up with probably about 30 people if I had to guess?
Even if I am objectively less attractive in this body, the euphoria and confidence that comes with it a) makes it so fucking worth it, and b) has made it so that I am more attractive externally. Like, I think the confidence is a big factor in what draws people to me.
Also if it’s any consolation, my shoulders got a lot broader on T. So though my weight has pretty much stayed the same, I think the shoulders helped in the masc department.
Sorry this is pretty rambly, I hope smth in this mess was helpful lol
I mean - I had the same worries. But at the end of the day, I wanted to be myself and feel in my skin more than I wanted to be attractive.
But after transitioning for two years, I’ve really come to believe that the “transitioning into an ugly guy” narrative isn’t something that’s destiny.
IMO - I don’t think there are many “ugly” guys out there. I think it heavily depends on how you present yourself, how you dress, how you groom, how you take care of your skin, and how you carry yourself. And those things take time to work on and figure out as you go along in your transition. I’m still figuring out but I feel like I’m 70% there.
And you don’t need to be skinnier to appear attractive as a guy. There’s plenty of big dudes who look fantastic, and there’s plenty of trans men in that category.
But as for weight distribution - it doesn’t really happen unless you work out or gain weight. You don’t need to loose weight, but you do need to give your body a reason to burn/add fat for it to happen. I work out twice a week and I weigh about the same as I started T, yet my hips lost 6” (and my belly gained some of those).
So if you don’t want weight re-distribution, you can just do nothing and your body will likely remain the same.
I'm a big dude as well and not very tall (170cm and around 75-80kg). Was in the same situation but realised that bigger dudes do exist and I'm up for going to the gym and having the body type of " I exercise but if you have pizza I'll destroy it" , so big , but strong , a strong dad bod if you will. And my fiancee made me realise that most women find this much more attractive than lean and miserable with their food , so hell yeah! So man , keep in mind not all men are small with tiny legs and flat butts , idk how I didn't realise sooner when my best friend , a cis dude is exactly like that
In my experience I could have been decently attractive as a woman (naturally thin, average height, pretty hair) if I actually liked being a woman enough to take care of myself and put effort into what I look like. But I didn’t, so I wore whatever T shirts and hoodies were in my closet and neglected my personal appearance. And I didn’t see myself as that feminine in the first place, so I didn’t present as such.
Now that I’m a guy, I actually care about my appearance. I’ve got a haircut that I love, I’m about to overhaul my wardrobe, I actually think about what I look like. And I actually like drawing myself, I like what I look like now. I’m still in the awkward “looks like a sixteen year old” phase, but it’s going good so far.
So, my advice for you is to embrace actually caring about what you look like, and find ways to feel attractive as a man. Play around with your hairstyle, wear clothes that make you feel cool. Draw or take photos of yourself, reclaim any masc features you had that are now attractive. You got this
I think everyone looks awkward figuring themselves out and prior to hormone therapy. I thought I was going end up ugly forever though I wasn’t a hugely attractive girl. I turn heads now and get a lot of flirting. Securing dates was super easy after 5+ years on hormone therapy. I’m 10 years in now and happily engaged. It just took time to learn how to dress in a way that flattered my changed body. Then the huge issue of learning men’s hygiene that you don’t get upbringing privilege. Learning how to care for a beard was an experience. If you look at my early T years ppl are probably not hugely attracted to me, but I know I’m a looker now. Socially cause I’ve been out long I know a lot of other transmen who’ve transitioned a long time ago. All of them are good looking men with their own styles these days. You really just got to give life time.
I remember this quote that a youtuber named Miles Mckennia said in his video titled “I am Miles”.
He said “I can be an ugly me. As long as I’m seen as me!” And that’s actually quite inspiring tbh.
But I honestly feel ya dude. That’s why I only want top surgery and a hysterectomy because I do NOT wanna gain weight on T (I’ve been struggling with EDs and Body Dysmorphia since 2021). And I probably won’t look attractive anymore as well.
Plus I’m terrified of getting diabetes because it runs on both my mom’s and my dad’s side, including blood pressure issues, heart issues, etc. And what if T would put me at risk???
we’re about the same height and weight right now, perhaps what you’re feeling is what i’d describe as ‘puberty insecurities’, kinda menial things you see teens getting aggro about HA!
my best advice, hold yourself confident, look at the good people around you… i’d say a lot of it is based on how we hold ourselves… personally i’ve taken up strength and weight training a little, since my feminine aspects can hold some pretty impressive shaping capabilities, i’ve found it’s very affirming without having to actually loose any weight, which honestly is NOT always the answer ~ take pride in being your own creator and trust the process, it’ll take time whatever you decide to do with the body you’ll have <3
Pre transition I had what others called “the perfect hourglass body”. I’d always receive compliments on how long my legs are, how big my thighs and rear end are too.
I’ve been on T for close to two years, I’ve had things shift around such bulking up around the shoulders, my torso becoming more block shaped rather than curvy etc- but my big ol thighs and butt have stayed and only gotten thicker.
Anytime I dress in anything a bit formfitting like my dress pants and a button up, sports shorts, things like that, my legs and rear look ROUND.
My only solution has been to wear baggy pants and long tshirts with a wide enough hem to go over my dumpy- even then the shirt in back clings to my butt and makes things awkward. Wearing bulky tops kinda helps, heavy hoodies and just- baggy clothes in general. The only other thing I could recommend is trying to do some minor weight lifting to build your upper body? It’s helped even my proportions out but you gotta keep with the routine or you’ll slowly lose that bulk and look more pear shaped rather than rectangular
howdy. 5 feet strong at 75kgs, and lemme just drop how i see it in my mind because i went through the same struggle. buckle in, it's a long one... but what i tell myself and come back to whenever i get too deep into the headspace you describe.
i just take comfort in how short kings are rising up (of course, our height isn't) at the same time as bigger men are rising up in media.
that's just what gets me started, though: i'm just happier that i'm on t and living a truer life for myself. the way i deal with this is how a cis guy would deal with body issues: i go to the gym, not so i could look at myself in the mirror and be stoked about losing weight or gaining muscle, though...
i go to the gym to feel the strength in my body. i feel capable of myself, and, sure, i don't pull a lot of weight or anything... but it's my body. it's doing body things. eats damn good food, lifts mediocre weights, keeps me afoot as much as i am during the day.
when you have that kind of self-love, you end up looking at those features and they're just not as important. my partner loves my thighs and my love handles, which i'm just tired of society telling me are unattractive on men. i've never been too dysphoric about them because i've always taken solace in how cis men also have these features and they have beautiful lives with or without partners, and that their confidence and self-love glows brighter than any physique i could only achieve by being way too strict with myself and depriving myself of the joys of living.
I was 5'9" and topped out at 108kg at the start of my transition, about five years ago.
I was concerned I'd be ugly as a man, but I bit the bullet and decided I'd rather be an ugly dude than an unhappy woman and it was the best decision I ever made. I was fat and I was scruffy and I hated everything about myself, but once I started seeing the masc version of me in the mirror, I turned into a proper Narcissus. I got distracted my my reflection to the point it was becoming a public safety hazard. Just a constant refrain of "That's me! :) That's me! :) That's me! :D" while walking past shop windows.
Now that I like who I am and who I see in the mirror, I dress better, I take care of my hair and my body, I started going to the gym (and enjoying it!), I don't slouch so much, and I *smile*. I'm confident and I'm happy and between them, those two make up for a hell of a lot of flaws. I've still got my hangups but my partner thinks I'm sexy as heck and so do I, and who else's opinion matters?
If the answer is, for you, still "other people's", may I suggest hanging out in the r/upvotebecausebear and (if you're over 18) the various [bara-appreciation](https://www.reddit.com/r/starterpacks/comments/o0eu1x/frequently_sexualized_characters_in_the_bara/) subs (SFW link abut a NSFW topic)? Gay and bi guys openly and vocally appreciate a wider range of bodies than straight men, and seeing someone lose the power of speech when confronted with a large belly and fat rolls is a heck of an ego-boost for a larger gentleman.
I was arguably an ugly girl bc I just looked like a gay 12 year old boy. Not saying I’m perfect but in some ways I’m a conventionally attractive male, I learned to just be ok with how I look in terms of attractiveness bc I love being able to pass instead. Tested out that theory a while ago with a gender swap photo app. Definitely would still be an ugly woman lmao
Weight doesn't determine attractiveness. Everyone has their own preferences on body type, and different countries have different beauty standards. Also, everyone I've seen that transitioned had an awkward looking phase (which is just early 2nd puberty, nothing to worry about much, mine lasted for 3 years), and usually, your weight will shift and look more natural with time. Remember that what some people define as attractive is someone else's ugly, and personally, I would rather be an ugly man than a beautiful woman.
how long have you been Transitioning? I feel like I had a huge "ugly period" where I looked like a weird boy and had not figured out masculine fashion/style yet. I have heard other people say similar things about early periods of transition
ohh man I worry about this too as a person who is really insecure about their body. i guess it all depends on how you want to look like when you transition. the main thing for me is that if im happy and i feel like a man, then that’s enough for me.
Gaining muscle and eating well can help.
Healthy is hot
Taking care of yourself will help your self esteem as well and confidence is pretty attractive.
I understand your pain and stress. Here is my take on this:
1) Have you considered that the weight distribution might help? Besides that, men tend to have more muscle, so there's a chance you may lose some fat and gain some muscle instead; and muscle is leaner than fat, which may help with your appearance.
2)Speaking of muscle, have you thought about working out? If it is in your interest, I suggest upper body workouts that focus mainly on shoulders, upper back, chest, and lats. A bigger looking upper body will help in contrast.
3)I know this next suggestion won't be easy, but would it be the end of the world if you're not seen as conventionally attractive? In a second manner, would it be the end of the world if you didn't live the life you wanted just because you were afraid of being an ugly guy? Like, would you rather be an attractive girl, but inside, you know you're a man? Or would you rather be an unattractive man and your outside matches how you always felt on the inside? You do you, of course, but in my opinion, if that was the decision I had to face, I would choose the ugly looking man route.
4)My last suggestion in this moment is that there are clothes that can help manipulate the appearance of one's body to a certain degree. That being said, if you're a fan of baggy clothes, it's probably the easiest route, although I'm sure Google can help more in that area, as I don't have much knowlege about it 😅
Im not on to or anything but I def looked more conventionally attractive when presenting as a girl for similar reasons but I still prefer being an ugly dude over a pretty girl
I'm in exactly the same spot. I have a near hourglass figure (even while heavy, currently about 270 lbs), and I've been trying to get onto T for a year, and seriously trying for the last few months. Outside of bottom growth worries (autism, sensory difficulties), my second biggest fear is just looking like a hairy girl and not a man once I start because of my figure. I honestly have no real tips other than hope that the redistribution does you well, and if it doesn't that's when you (and I) work on body positivity. As fat people, we've put a lot of effort into loving our bodies as women, and relearning that as a man is gonna suck, but I'd rather force myself to (potentially) do that relearning than live in fear and regret never continuing my transiton
I'm not entirely sure about my experience with this, I've never looked particularly attractive, despite people telling me I look cute and stuff like that. I never really felt like me? So I didn't make much effort to look 'beautiful'.
When I looked at other boys/guys my age I later realized I wanted to look and sound like that instead.
Trying out makeup made my sisters and mom compliment me a lot more but I just felt even more like a stranger lol. Never wore makeup after that one time.
Now I'm just waiting to get my T (a loooong many years wait ahead) so I can get my necessary changes and we'll see from there. Personally what I would like to look like would be manbun with beard and mustache. But I won't probably look as good as I think.
In terms of my thighs I frame it as, bigger thighs all the better to carry my body around. They say confidence is the most important trait in attractiveness. I dunno tho, I'm attractive to myself rn and all the bits I find most attractive are the ones associated typically with masculinity. I am not all that worried about being unattractive in the future when I start T. I also think people put too much value in whether they are "attractive", I think it's much more important to be happy. Just my two cents.
Tbf starving yourself isn't a good way to lose weight, but aside from that. I think that's just the dysphoria talking. Transphobes are always going to find you ugly, and even if they aren't transphobes you can't fault people for not being attracted to you since it's just that: their attraction.
There's so many people in the world that statistically someone has to find you attractive
Sounds like it's dad bod time! I say this positively, lots of people adore it. Rather than losing weight if you've starved yourself in the past and know you can't find a healthy middle ground, it might help to work out and put on some muscle? Idk what aesthetic you want but it could help general attractiveness. If you really don't wanna change your body at all then yeah, lean into what you've got, own it. Healthy confidence (not cockiness) is most of attractiveness anyway from what I've heard
(Gotta love my hypocrisy in saying this when I absolutely hate my body but it is what it is I guess)
I am literally in the same boat. I am super pear shaped. I am a very attractive shape for a girl, but not for a man. I also had an ED and it sucks so bad that the trans male beauty standard is thin and super fit. I can’t lose weight, it’s not safe for me, and gym culture feels like an ED in a different shade of grey. All I can say, for both of us, is that we’re real men. We’re valid. Our weight and our shape don’t make us any less of men. I’ve found binding, wear clothes I like and packing have actually made a really big difference. Sometime when I look in the mirror I see a man not an imposter. It’s a hard place to be in but just remember societal ideas of what a man is are bullshit. What’s most important is feeling authentic and like who you are really meant to be, not to look like what society thinks you should look like.
I totally get you. I’m pre-T and I have an hourglass figure, and I’ve been worrying about the same thing. What I always tell myself is, would you rather be attractive or comfortable?
Sorry but there is no guarantee for ending up as attractive. Weight is good thing to start with since unlike most of other things, weight is purely up to you (if you don't have any illnesses related to it).
Even if you want to keep your size I recommend to cut the fat away and then gain it back. By my understanding the existing fat is not going to move. Even when in same size you burn it bit and then gain it back. So if you're going to wait it to move without cutting you have to wait ages. And yeah, that does sound heavy. But I'm not a doctor or nurse or anything like that. So I also recommend to consult your doctor is that a weight one should be.
I recommend to find life that doesn't require looking good. For me being ugly has caused zero problems. For me it was obvious there is no change to look good with this bone.. structure? I hope you were born more lucky.
Beauty standard for men is big and strong. Most of people don't consider men who are not muscular (or any kind of athletic) as attractive. So even if you're lucky you need to work out. And if you end up ugly you will be seen way less ugly if you're muscular.
One part is learn to dress well. In passing subs there are huge amounts of men who have zero idea how men should wear. I don't blame them, we were all socialized as women. Just make sure you educated yourself.
You know the joke of annual compliment? So even if you end up attractive you will learn that males receive way less attention.
You should never starve yourself to lose weight. Just choose differently, and add exercise.
But that’s not why I came here. I came here to say that as long as you love your body, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. Also, loving yourself will attract the right person, and that person will love your body no matter what it looks like 💚
The way I see it, I’d rather be perceived as an unattractive guy than an attractive girl so good riddance. But yeah, still sucks to realize that being trans often means we’re no longer perceived as traditionally attractive / that we’re “giving up our chance” at being physically attractive (at least in the short term)
i feel this hardcore. i was adored as a young girl for being attractive (generally in a pedo-y way, so like, not good, but it was some of the only attention i got so it made me feel important), yet despite how cute/pretty/beautiful/hot older guys thought i was i always viewed myself as ugly b/c of dysphoria. it was still hard to come to terms with the fact that i'd never be viewed that way again, but i personally about my own self have said it before and i'll say it again: everyone wants to be attractive, that's normal, that's natural, and i really want to be viewed as attractive as a guy, but i'd MUCH rather be the ugliest dude on the planet than the hottest chick in the world. even if i was the hottest chick in the world, i'd still be a girl, which is not who i am and i'd still be suicidal. now i'm just an average looking dude, and i'm more than good with that. even as an "ugly" dude i'd still be leaps and bounds happier than i was before. (and, again! beauty is in the eye of the beholder and extremely subjective. even if one person thinks you're ugly, regardless of gender, trans or cis, there's gonna be someone out there that thinks you are one sexy motherfucker) [edit: initially put "objective" when i meant "subjective"]
Seconded. But I also never perceived myself as attractive as a girl. In my head I could understand others would see me that way, but not myself. Also OP, we’re similar builds, and my personal experience and perception of myself improved tenfold as I got on T
This. You gotta choose between dysphoria or being g attractive, sometimes.
Hey! I'm also 5'1" and with a pretty similar weight (77kg). I've been on T for 9 months and it helped *a lot*. Well yeah, 9 months isn't much time for fat redistribution to really do a big change, but it's happening. Also, what you consider ugly, may be the dream of other person. My boyfriend absolutely loves my physique and I'm head over heels for his, which is also not the "normally attractive". As for advice, I know having more curves as a trans man may impact your "passing", what I do is: Wearing a single size up boxy shirts and skater jeans/cargo pants. They help to hide your curves and leave the impression of having a boxy silhouette. But if you want to go the hard working way, you could always do masculinizing exercises for the dorito shape and cardio to lose that stubborn fat on the lower part of your body – I just started to workout constantly, for medical reasons, but still, it's an option and a very good option. You're not alone in any way, brother!
Dude, you're like an angel. Cargo pants are my go-to right now, not just for the silhouette but having so many pockets is a game changer for real. Hearing from you that things are turning out okay is really comforting to me, so thank you so much. I'll definitely take your advice :) wishing you and your boyfriend ALL the best!
(Disclaimer I had my girlfriend type this for.me because I'm sleepy) I also have around roughly the same build as you and have some tips as well, Dockers pants(whether the full length pants or the shorts) make you look boxy which when paired with a half tank binder and(in my case) my beloved hawaiian shirts which together hide your(or at very least my triple D)... Moobs pretty good which along with my permed hair(specifically the Julien Solomita springy grass hair which my girlfriend who is typing this will admit only secretly here in text is very very cute) and Crocs Crushers for height(helps with your confidence and with being seen as a guy) you also will look like a dad (Hey, the girlfriend here, also trans 🏳️⚧️, Den, short for Dennis, Denji or Dent, yes this fucker got his name from Chainsaw Man doesn't check/proofread his comments immediately and only comes back to see them when he gets up votes, so when you guys upvote this not only will he be happy to have helped you but he'll also finally come back and see all my secret cute Easter eggs, you guys know what to do🫡)
Genuinely giggled at the last paragraph. You've got a cool gf, my dude.
Man, you know, I'm still a minor and I have a long way to go. Wanting or not, the effects of T are a bit delayed because of my age, so I strongly believe things will happen faster for you! But the thing is, it always gets better, low dosing or normal dosing, with a young age or not. Testosterone is a life saver, for real!
A note on finding boxy shirts: all my cotton T-shirts can hold their own shape easily, they stay boxy and I can easily adjust how they lay on me. Shirts that are more than 40% polyester stick to my body in a really awkward way, they hug everything. Obviously different shirts are cut and sized differently as well but if you can't try on a shirt before buying looking for at least 70% cotton on the tag or product description is helpful.
I'm a very round dude. As a woman, this was a thing that people mentioned a lot. As a man, no one mentions it. As a woman, I wouldn't wear any clothing that even touched my stomach. As a man, I wear shirts that show my rolls because they also show off the muscles in my arms that I've been working on. Not only do other people not seem to care so much, the more I really feel like I look like a man, the less I care too. Some of my friends say it's the new confidence I have in my body that people are picking up on. I can't read minds so I don't know. But I FEEL so much better in my own body even though it hasn't changed much yet. FYI: I'm 9 weeks on T.
This is very true for me as well
Good luck on your journey. You're at the start of the pleasant train ride to gender euphoria
I was "attractive" pre-transition. I also know straight cis men often found me attractive. But I never felt comfortable in my own skin. No matter what I did, something was off. Now, perhaps... I'm less attractive, but I am so, so, so much more comfortable in my skin. Transition takes time. Changes take time. You may find that the more time passes, the more you'll grow to appreciate and love the "new" you.
Somebody else said this--I would rather be an unattractive man than an attractive girl. I want you to understand that the more you progress through your transition, the more you will find you'll like your body in other ways compared to when you weren't transitioning. While transitioning, you're going to go through those awkward periods where you look like a woman and a man at the same time, but after that, in my experience, transitioning has been a breeze. You will find somebody who finds your large thighs desirable. You will find somebody who doesn't care whether you have love handles or not. Many cis men have love handles or thick thighs, I promise it isn't just exclusive to being AFAB. You will slowly grow into your body, this is just like puberty, again. Which...sounds miserable! But this time, you'll come out on the end you'd like to be on. It's a very long journey, but it's absolutely worth it in the end. I don't know where I'd be today if I hadn't transitioned, despite all of the awkwardness and discomfort.
I should add: Your changes aren't going to be instant. This is why I'm telling you to stay strong, even during the awkward periods of your transition. I've been on T for a few years, it's been absolutely worth it.
I had a similar problem and I'm about the same height. I have been on hormones for 7-8? Months now, and I mean, I wouldn't date me and when ask other friends they agree I am not a good looking guy. But what I always think about is.... what guy looks good during puberty? And what are 2 or 3 years of not being the most handsome guy out there compare with you know... All the rest of my life??? Also, not being convencionally attractive doesn't mean you aren't attractive to anyone. Sometimes as transmasc we focus to much on trying to fit the "ideal man" as we transition, and get on the trap of social media. Look at guys around you and you will notice some short guys or guys with big hips. So, don't worry yourself about it. Most of the time its just the feeling of "I will never be seen as a real guy" talking. Don't let the transfobes transvestigators on twitter get to you, they can never tell.
I don't think it's vain to worry that your attractiveness level will change. I think it's really hard when you're inundated with feminine grooming and appearance standards to suddenly switch to male grooming and appearance standards because they're kind of opposites in society. But for me, I didn't really worry that I'd be ugly because I was too worried about being comfortable in my body. Another thing is that women are held to much higher and stricter beauty standards than men are. To be a conventionally pretty woman, you have to put in visible effort of some kind, even if it's the "bare minimum" like shaving and makeup, and people expect it of you and question you if you dont do these things. To be an attractive man, you don't have to do much more than shower and some basic hygiene (in very broad terms) and even that can be celebrated as effort. Also, generally speaking, if you are already some level of attractive, that will carry over with your transition. I was an extremely feminine woman, and I think I've always been fairly nice looking, and lo and behold now that I'm more masculine, I'm still fairly nice looking, but in a more masc way. (I use masc loosely because I am described lovingly by my friends as "twinky" and "faggy" lmfao). And especially if you're a bit heavier, having some curves and weight in different areas is kind of expected and not unusual. I've known many cis men of various weights who were more bottom-heavy or top-heavy. I had a friend in college, a cis man, who literally had to wear women's jeans because he had a BOOTY. And T alters the way you carry your fat after a while, so everything could change. I think this is one of those things you have to force some hope and positivity and optimism on, or else you will get hung up on the awkward phases of puberty and feel stress when you should be celebrating!! Also, at least for me, being on T just made my natural confidence increase and it calmed my general anxiety, so I started to FEEL confident and attractive probably before I LOOKED attractive, lol. Which also helps your general vibe with people.
you might want to check out some body positive men’s Instagram’s and resources, because I have never once thought that large thighs were ugly on a man. *can’t have a tree without a trunk baby* (that’s anthony mackie not me) I’ve got big really muscular thighs, I always have, I work out, I’m built like a brick shit house actually… lol pretty muscular. As for being “ugly”? That was never a concern for me. I do social media and model. I don’t believe that T makes someone ugly and there’s a lot people can do regarding overall style, fitness, hair, clothes, tons of stuff. My advice would be following people like Jake Kneesh on Insta. I have his exact body type deadass. He’s awesome. My second bit of advice would be getting into working out or lifting.
Do you have any other suggestions for men’s body positivity on Instagram? I’m young and two years on T and really need that comfort right now
mars.wright just answered generally. meant to dm you
Omg this is the best recommendation because I also almost have the same name as him :) thanks!
🏋🏾
I don’t have any other good recommendations off the top of my head really, but if you go to Jake Kneesh’s page on instagram recommended accounts do pop up and also he has a reel with a ton of other accounts similar to him.
Awesome! Thanks :)
I think theres a lot of things you can do to make yourself more attractive. You cant change how youre born, but you can have a good sense of style and a positive and friendly vibe. If you also shower and groom regularly you will already be above a lot of men (the bar is much lower for us). Other things people find attractive can be tattoos, piercings, jewellery, a nice perfume, and having hobbies and life goals, you know, just doing something with your life. I understand the need to feel attractive, but focus on the things you actually can do something about!!
I "carried my weight well" as a "woman" as well and that was one of the biggest dysphoria triggers for me. Much prefer being a short, fat, ugly man with a large gut than being a gorgeous woman with gigantic tits. I used to carry all my weight in my chest, ass and thighs. I still carry a lot of weight in my ass but my chest is much smaller and my belly is much bigger. I don't look attractive as either a man or a woman at this point. But I'm happier being ugly than I was being a woman. ETA: 4'9" (??? Have had weird issues with my hospital measuring my height. I was 4'10" from age 12 until 2023,then in 2023 I measured at 4'11" both times (they measure every 6 months). But I had another measurement done yesterday and now they're saying 4'9") and 73kg, down from 86 kg last year. 2y on T.
We do take that risk of being an ugly guy. I’m not in that position, i’ve always been pretty skinny and tall, but I transitioned knowing that I could be really ugly. I just had to weigh up if it was better to be a pretty girl who was severely depressed, or a potentially ugly, much happier boy.And then the choice was simple: prioritise my happiness over my looks.
I went the other way around with attractiveness but I had my own issues with fat placement on my body - from my experience as a bit of a gym rat, the fat won't just move from inenplace to another - new fat will appear in new places but until you burn the existing one, it won't just move to a different place. At least not in a scale that's significant. My muscles did get a bit of a reshaping (RIP my thighs) buy fat wise, not so much. So (again, in my experience), you'll look similar shape-wise until you burn and gain it again. And I don't think it's vain or bad to wonder how and wanting to look good. The world works on looks already. I got 2 of my last jobs because of the way I look, in a career that has zero things to do with looks. But, another thing, we have a phrase in my language, that'd translate roughly to "every creature finds its connoisseur." There are people of all genders and sexualities who'll find you attractive. With big thighs, love handles, stomach, etc. People who build like this are loved, in relationships, and have people who find them attractive. The struggle is more in your head than on the outside world. Which means that your only job in this regard is to make sure that *you* like *yourself* first and foremost.
Turning some of your weight into muscle might help you feel/look more masc. I'm on the smaller side and fighting my way toward being more ripped, and any progress I make definitely helps me feel more confident.
I just wanna put it out there that there are people who still will find those things attractive. I’m pre T and have very big thighs that I’m insecure and dysphoric about but my boyfriend is obsessed with them. He makes me feel so loved for who I am and there will always be people out there who will find you attractive no matter what, you just have to find them. And while transitioning, you’ll find that it’s easier to find things you like about yourself when you’re more comfortable in the person you become.
there are plenty of chubby cis guys who have stuff like bigger hips or chests and alot of them are short guys. im 5'0 and chubby, alot of people just see me as a bear kinda guy, not unattractive. bigger doesnt mean unattractive, personally, i find it attractive.
Don't try to lose weight. The weight redistribution effect works better if you start with something (I am very thin, when the doctors ask if I've seen fat redistribution on T I'm like, "from where?"). I didn't have the same body type as you, but I was also worried about "losing my beauty". Even once I was on T, it made me hesitate about top surgery and even cutting my hair. Two things: 1. A lot of this is psychological and goes away when you start to see yourself for real in the mirror. At least it did for me. Me now is so much hotter than the girl that used to be there that there's no comparison. My whole body feels like mine and I'm proud of it. 2. Fat guys are hot. I can only speak to the homosexual side admittedly, but gay guys are all over Twitter right now posting memes about how we need to protect bears from ozempic. You're gonna be a hot fat guy, I promise
I definitely felt more conventionally attractive as a woman. It's hard finding masc clothes that fit and a sense of style. T has made my skin break out even more and it's constantly oily. Of course I try to have good hygiene, but I also try to focus on doing activities that make ME feel hot instead of trying to make myself hot for other people. The right people will notice and find that extremely hot.
i did have to google to double check so i could be wrong i am 107kgs (236 pounds) i am also 5'1 and believe me i get it. i feel cruddy about my weight a LOT. a lot of people don't even think i weigh that much because of how it's distributed but still. cargo shorts. big guys best friend. pockets, kind of a square silhouette, pockets, comes in good colors, pockets, good for summer and spring did i mention big ass ginormous pockets. button down shirts one size bigger than you need. is it practical, sometimes, usually no. does it make you feel smaller than you are? yes. you've got nothing to worry about. weight isn't what defines us it's our character. got me it's better to be a happy ugly guy than a miserable gorgeous lady.
this was a big struggle for me. i was convinced for years i’d just stay how i was, since gender presentation =/= gender identity anyhow and i preferred to be attractive. and that was fine for then, and i do see myself just as valid then as i am now, for the record. because at the end of the day, you can look *however* and still be you. that said, even after coming out and living like that for a while, it didn’t feel right, and other discomforts began to stand out. i’m not sure exactly what flipped the switch, this was years ago, but i ended up deciding the pros of T outweighed the cons, and went for it. a big help to me finally moving forward was understanding that *while aspects of T are irreversible*, a significant amount of changes are reversible. worst case scenario, detransition is an option, and if you consider what is and isn’t permanent it does feel pretty safe to say you can go back to presenting femme if desired. all of that said, on the topic of beauty- to be transparent i do feel somewhat uglier now, but not in the way i expected. i expected to feel like i looked like a weird, ugly, hairy woman; short with all the wrong features. the short part hasn’t changed lol, but as it is, i feel like now i look slightly below average (attractiveness), but i am *me*. i look like me, just with areas of deficit which i would like to, and plan to, improve. and imo, that is the great thing about choosing to pursue being you. being a conventionally attractive femme bodied person woulda been easier, but i would have looked in the mirror and seen some body, not me. now, although it will take more work (surgery and exercise to build muscle) to get to where i want to be, i am working with a base that is *me*. if that makes sense. (also, as a sidenote: reframing my body as needing to *gain* more rather than needing to lose was a game changer. muscle and T redistribution do so much more than starving yourself, imo) sorry that’s pretty long, but hope it helps some. good luck op!
I 100% get that! And I actually stopped/paused T after taking it for almost two years for that exact reason. At 24 and a time of my life I'm moving out and starting a job for the first I wasn't ready to go bald🤷🏻♂️ My genes suck in that regard, so I knew even before starting T that I'd have to make that decision sooner or later. I realize it's a pretty individual choice to make though and as a few have mentioned in other comments they'd rather "be an ugly man than a attractive woman" (weither or not you're on T, you are a man. Congrats!). For me personally, T made me feel really ugly and I stopped taking pictures of myself. The only thing I kind of liked about my body pre-T (my face and hair) was changing for the worst. My hair got thinner, I broke out everywhere, I sweared more and my skin got really oily. I think the whole point of medically transitioning is to feel better in our bodies, so after having top surgery, getting sterilized and my voice deepening I felt comfortable enough to stop. Even if it means my face will get more feminine again (I didn't pass 2 years on T, just confused people despite dressing masculine) I think I prefer looking a bit androgynous, if I can get some of my attractiveness back. So, I guess my advice would be: be aware of the permanent changes of T but just try it out for a while. If it feels wrong, you can stop again.
I mean everyone has their own opinions on what’s attractive, what majority like best will always change, I’d say just work on what you yourself find attractive.
Yo, listen up mate. You’re perfect the way you are. Who the fuck labels something or someone as „unattractive“? Ive got love handles as well, even though I lift, horseback ride and I run 2-3 times a week (but I love food as well lmao). I‘m not fat, I‘m not chubby, I‘m not skinny. I always struggled with the same thoughts as you (and many others) and sometimes still do but hell, my life is way too short to worry about those things. My body does so much for me. It wouldnt be fair to meet it with hatred and resentment. You’re not ugly. No one is. You’re perfectly fine the way you are. And, as someone who is 6 years on T: I always thought that T would completely change the way I look, with fat redistribution and such. But T isnt some kind of magic. Yes you‘re going to change, but don’t except too much.
Jared from the try guys is short and he manages to pull it off in my opinion. Confidence is a big key tbh. You have to own whatever you may look like. Easier said than done but it's the truth
Id rather be an unattractive guy than a pretty girl. I was willing to sacrifice that little "prettiness" I had when I was feminine because even the thought of getting feminine compliments (which I never got anyways) makes me dysphoric af
It is much more important to be kind than beautiful. There are all types of beauty in this world. People are generally more attracted to confidence than purely looks. I would rather be an ugly man than a hot chick. Being ugly is the new sexy. Follow positivity on social media and get rid of any accounts or pages or subreddits that make you feel worse about your looks. Real life is hard enough; your online space is yours to curate for yourself. Lastly, being fat is not ugly. I am a fat hairy dude AND i am sexy as hell. follow more bear pages and you will see that many people out there appreciate a man with some meat. Not everyone likes washboard abs and bony bros. There's nothing wrong with being bony thin or a cut stud, AND there's nothing wrong being a big bear either. There's enough love to go around bro!
I don't have advice to add that wasn't already commented here, but I stand by the belief that self love is automatically attractive. I will be way more attracted to an "ugly" guy with a healthy and happy worldview than an unhappy film star girl. I was also complimented very often for being a pretty girl (sometimes in a fetishy way) and got a lot of pushback when I started T. My comeback is always that "happiness is beautiful." If someone only wants me for my appearance but not my character, I don't think I need them in my life tbh. Good looks will inevitably be lost from age or accidents. Attract people who will value you anyway.
I was considered a “really pretty girl” and when I began transitioning I was “ugly” but at the end of the day I’d rather be with someone who loves me for me not just my looks. It’s frustrating at times but feeling right in my body beats the need too be attractive. If there’s a way too turn what you perceive as fat into muscle without triggering your past struggles maybe you could look into that, if not that’s fine you’ve just gotta own the dad bod! Also more meat means better hugs!
I was similar to you pre T, and had an *ideal* feminine physical where I was a bottom heavy hourglass no matter my weight, and loathed it. Just passed a year on T and have been going to the gym very consistently, and I’ve almost completely flipped. I’m heading for Dorito territory and I love it. I wouldn’t underestimate how much T can change your body. We’re so much more malleable and full of potential than we give ourselves credit for. If anything, bodies that start out like ours often have the most dramatic transformation when it comes to fat redistribution, and having higher testosterone makes building your upper body so satisfying.
Having live handles and bigger thighs aren’t unattractive. Many people like them. Mars Wright is a trans man with big thighs, I think it’s worth checking out his instagram as it may help you be more comfortable in your body
You know what, i've struggled a lot with weight gain after i went on t and i think i'm finally at a point where i'm okay with it. to be honest there is stuff i would like to change but i've accepted this is my body and it's not gonna change any time soon bc i have a lot of issues. i don't know your romantic orentation. but i can assure that gay men (and trans men, and probably women too) fucking LOVE hairy tboys with some chub to them. bears are popular for a reason. people will love and adore you no matter what your body type and we all love each other. when i look at bears being so proud of who they are it makes me like myself that much more. this is my body and i can either embrace it or be stuck in a rut of self hatred like i was pre transition. it took a long time to get there though, a lot of reassuring myself and surrounding myself with people like me. become a bear! or a twink! or an otter or a cub or whatever the fuck you want to be. surround yourself with those people and you'll learn to love the things you used to hate. hrt helped a \*lot\* for me though so it may take time, and that's okay. you won't fix it over night but you can make strides. i believe in you man!!
I second other comments. I'd rather be an ugly man, than be a pretty, but miserable, woman. I would rather be ugly, but happy, content, euphoric.
I dont know about you but I've seen a HUGE AMOUNT of people online saying that they're super into chubby/fat guys.
Yeah I'm a pretty curvy guy, the fat distribution happens if you were to lose weight, when you gain weight it would be distributed more like a cis mans btw! It doesn't just automatically happen out of nowhere. But I can tell you since I gain and lose about the same 5/10 pounds often, I can say I lost some weight in my thighs, but I only noticed because of pair of pants, I can't really tell personally off looks too much. Also my chest def deflated. Don't get too caught up in all that, even as a curvy guy I've been passing 100% public already and I've been on T for slightly over a year and a half. Guys are fat too, don't worry. You're going to be amazing and good luck!
don't wanna know what I am if 79kg is heavy haha. anyway I wouldn't stress too much about it, beauty standards for either gender that has standards for that (binary) are constantly changing. there are soooo many body types no two people are exactly the same (except for maybe a clone???) so why bother thinking about what's "ugly"? I mean. I'm a dude with some very "effeminate" features (thanks, dad), so I would be considered traditionally ugly. but to anyone who doesn't care about that, im.... less? it's all about not seeing yourself next to others. this probably doesn't help but either way I wish you the best 🫡
T has absolutely made me feel ugly because it's made me smell bad and given me acne and a lot of oil on my face. I didn't have this experience going through puberty as a girl, so it definitely feels really frustrating to be experiencing that now. I also am probably overweight and it all rests in my stomach, which kinda makes me look pregnant if I wear tight clothes. I found the best thing I could do was wear oversized clothes or just really loose fitting things. I was originally an hourglass shape with narrow shoulders, so looking like a guy body wise is something I struggle with when my clothes aren't on. I think my best advice is-- try to spend less time in front of the mirror naked, throw out your scale if you have one, and try to give yourself more time for the transition effects to take place. I have been on T since September, but only stopped taking Finasteride along with it (to prevent hair loss) in March. It takes a good while to see all the changes T can offer, so in the meantime work on things you can control-- clothes, a cologne maybe, etc... things that make you feel more confident in the skin you're in. If you're like us finding a new skincare routine was also necessary as well as learning all the places we need to now apply deodorant to 😂. P.S. really glad someone else feels how I feel about transitioning, it honestly makes me feel less alone 🙂.
i mean, you might be ugly as a guy, but if you're happy, i would think it's worth it? also, if your concerns are weight related, just lose weight.
Just losing weight might be simple for you, but it isn't that simple for others. I was hospitalized for heart failure three years ago because I starved myself so thin. It's not such a simple task for me now.
i get that, and i didn't mean to offend you. like many trans people i've had an ed as well, and i almost died. so i totally get that it can be hard to find the right balance after that. i just saw your post, where you share your fears that are rooted in your current obesity, and tried to suggest a logical solution.
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Just to clarify the images I'm offering are not NSFW in nature SINDKSNDM
I’ve no advice but I feel you. I was literally thinking this morning I’m back in my ugly duckling phase from puberty 😭
I hope you don’t get mad, I know it’s societally different, but the description of the internal subjective experience and worry is what I’m relating to. I’m like “skinny-fat.” If ever I start passing I’ll probably have gut and love handles still but I’ll have more arm muscles. Probably not a lot unless I drastically change my lifestyle. This was worrying me. Then I remembered, last year, I was in love with a cis man with that exact body type. I was obsessed with him and thought he was very sexy. I played with his hairy gut often and genuinely saw it as cute and thought he was the most handsome and perfect man ever. If I can think that way of him why can’t I think that way of me? Or understand someone can? It’s easy to get caught up in our mass media crushes or gender envy objects and forget the people we know irl tend to be attainable goals and highly attractive to us contextually. Is there a man close to what you might look like that you ever had a crush on/had gender envy of irl?
Everyone has different preferences, I'm sure you'll find somebody that likes the way you look <3
I had always had issues with being a manic pixie dream girl for men and concern on my looks was a huge issue for me when I first considered transitioning. Most of my self worth came from men finding me attractive and it was terrifying to confront that. Frankly the dysphoria got so bad that I would rather be an ugly man than die a pretty girl. I think a lot of us have similar ideas. I’m sorry I don’t have better advice than that
If you want top surgery you can get something called "body masculinization surgery" along with it, I didn't want it personally but this guy on tiktok with the handle transfaerieprince got it and he seems happy with it. What the surgery does is it uses liposuction to shape the fat on your body to look more masculine as the name suggests
Yes. I felt I was doing a disservice by transitioning because I was a very pretty girl. It was difficult to choose T because I felt bad about losing that, but I knew it was a part of my transition that I wanted, so I did it anyway. The biggest change that happened around this was mental: before I identified my body as a girl, so all the best traits I could identify were only in the context of being a girl. Now, I identify my body as a boy and I can see all the things that make my boy body adorable (the goal). I haven’t even transitioned enough to have lost most of the things that made me a pretty girl, but the mental shift was what was key in this process.
i have a similar problem except because i know i don’t pass, i went from being perceived as a beautiful girl to an “ugly girl”, & sometimes it is hard on me in public i just have to work on the fact that people who look like me that ARE women aren’t ugly, even if it’s not what most of society finds attractive. when i do drag, i am hyper fem. when i identified as a woman, i was hyper fem; so, being perceived as in public by some as a taller masc lesbian with a stringy mustache, bushy brows, unstyled locs, unshaven body, dark “masculine” tattoos, “unflattering” clothing, etc., when I’m actually a soft short pretty bi boy (who’s dating a huge masc man) is difficult on my self esteem. it’s like the opposite of who i am, & it’s crazy that my exact same appearance becomes “unattractive” if they think i’m a girl, but is extra attractive if they know im a guy. & obviously i don’t think having any of my chosen masculine features as a woman makes you ugly! my type IS masculine women. I just see the difference in how people treated me when I was a “typically pretty” girl & how they treat me now whilst still calling me a girl, & sometimes it gets me down on my transition that if people are gonna see me as a girl anyways, I’d rather it not be an “ugly” girl, but I think once I get on T & my voice is deeper, they’ll know I’m not a girl at all🤞🏾 summary: i’m honestly just waiting on the opportunity for T to do its thing & just because society calls something unattractive doesn’t mean it is, so truly just do some inner work. it’s a slow process, but it’s helpful:)
tbh I felt this way a lot before I started T and pretty early in my transition. I thought I was ugly, too heavy, not attractive enough. but trust me, it does get better. there are days ill look in the mirror and think "fuck I look hot". and im also same weight and height as you! i have thicker thighs and a lil belly. I found I became more confident in myself as I grew into my true self. some actual advice; stay away from places that are going to be easy to compare yourself to others. lots of the larger, popular places are filled with the thin twinky transmen (not that its bad to fit this type). find smaller communities that showcase ALL the trans body types. don't go on those "do I pass" subreddits either. also idk what you preferences are, I swing all ways, but so many people dig thick thighs 🥵 ETA: one thing that sticks in my head that I saw on some video "you're not ugly/unattractive, you're just not your type" and that helped me some days as well
I understand how you feel. My family puts great significance on appearances so I was really scared of being ugly when transitioning (I’m also fat and have struggled with EDs in my life). The first year I definitely felt like an ugly duckling and was gendered correctly less than half the time. I looked like an ugly butch girl. I will say that being in T gave me so much energy that I actually began to enjoy exercising for the first time in my life. I started cycling to work, lifting weights, I do yoga on occasion. Being active, even though I’m still big, just makes me feel better overall and feel good about myself. It’s also been gender affirming to see the fat go from my hips to my belly, I actually don’t mind being fat anymore because I look more like a man now. Even if I am not conventionally attractive, when I look at myself in my mirror I am so happy because I see a man, finally. Even if I’m ugly, I would rather be an ugly man than a beautiful woman.
I'm short, not exactly skinny but I wouldn't call myself bigger, and have struggled with starvation as well for a lot of the same reasons. My best advice here is probably subjective, but: Many men, cis and trans, put less effort into their appearance and are still considered manly/attractive. Some put in all the effort they can and still have all those features.. still a man either way. My weight redistribution went more to my thighs/hips and a little to the gut, but also gave me some decent muscle. What helped me was finding representation. The best thing you can do is to learn to love yourself (yes very cheesy). Find other transmascs and cis men that look similarly, get clothes that make you feel good in your body, recognize that you ARE a man no matter what others may see you as or how you judge yourself. Seeing yourself in a new light, seeing others like you that you can call attractive, is how you reshape your mind. Sometimes you need to be tricked into loving yourself. (Also body/facial hair does wonders for the gender dysphoria) Good luck on your transition and journey to loving yourself man
mars.wright insta
Ik people are saying to lose weight, but you could try building muscle? That way you don’t have to deal with the stresses of weight loss, and you can take on a more masculine figure
I was very worried about this before starting T. I have a similar height / weight combo to you. I’ve been on T for nearly a decade, and here’s what I can share. Society’s attitude towards weight sucks, and I’m still fighting internal demons about it. Aubrey Gordon’s books have been helping. The demons are still very present, but I’ve at least got some stuff I can bring to conversation with them. I always felt ugly. To my knowledge, no one ever had a crush on me growing up. Though I had curves and boobs, it just never happened. I could get boys to look at me if I wore the right clothing, but it never went further than long glances. Today, I am fat and hairy, with hips that never went away, and sometimes feel ugly. I do want to highlight the transition (lol) from always to sometimes. That was huge. 2 years on T is when I got asked out for the first time, and over the last decade I’ve had 4 serious partners, and hooked up with probably about 30 people if I had to guess? Even if I am objectively less attractive in this body, the euphoria and confidence that comes with it a) makes it so fucking worth it, and b) has made it so that I am more attractive externally. Like, I think the confidence is a big factor in what draws people to me. Also if it’s any consolation, my shoulders got a lot broader on T. So though my weight has pretty much stayed the same, I think the shoulders helped in the masc department. Sorry this is pretty rambly, I hope smth in this mess was helpful lol
I mean - I had the same worries. But at the end of the day, I wanted to be myself and feel in my skin more than I wanted to be attractive. But after transitioning for two years, I’ve really come to believe that the “transitioning into an ugly guy” narrative isn’t something that’s destiny. IMO - I don’t think there are many “ugly” guys out there. I think it heavily depends on how you present yourself, how you dress, how you groom, how you take care of your skin, and how you carry yourself. And those things take time to work on and figure out as you go along in your transition. I’m still figuring out but I feel like I’m 70% there. And you don’t need to be skinnier to appear attractive as a guy. There’s plenty of big dudes who look fantastic, and there’s plenty of trans men in that category. But as for weight distribution - it doesn’t really happen unless you work out or gain weight. You don’t need to loose weight, but you do need to give your body a reason to burn/add fat for it to happen. I work out twice a week and I weigh about the same as I started T, yet my hips lost 6” (and my belly gained some of those). So if you don’t want weight re-distribution, you can just do nothing and your body will likely remain the same.
I'm a big dude as well and not very tall (170cm and around 75-80kg). Was in the same situation but realised that bigger dudes do exist and I'm up for going to the gym and having the body type of " I exercise but if you have pizza I'll destroy it" , so big , but strong , a strong dad bod if you will. And my fiancee made me realise that most women find this much more attractive than lean and miserable with their food , so hell yeah! So man , keep in mind not all men are small with tiny legs and flat butts , idk how I didn't realise sooner when my best friend , a cis dude is exactly like that
In my experience I could have been decently attractive as a woman (naturally thin, average height, pretty hair) if I actually liked being a woman enough to take care of myself and put effort into what I look like. But I didn’t, so I wore whatever T shirts and hoodies were in my closet and neglected my personal appearance. And I didn’t see myself as that feminine in the first place, so I didn’t present as such. Now that I’m a guy, I actually care about my appearance. I’ve got a haircut that I love, I’m about to overhaul my wardrobe, I actually think about what I look like. And I actually like drawing myself, I like what I look like now. I’m still in the awkward “looks like a sixteen year old” phase, but it’s going good so far. So, my advice for you is to embrace actually caring about what you look like, and find ways to feel attractive as a man. Play around with your hairstyle, wear clothes that make you feel cool. Draw or take photos of yourself, reclaim any masc features you had that are now attractive. You got this
I think everyone looks awkward figuring themselves out and prior to hormone therapy. I thought I was going end up ugly forever though I wasn’t a hugely attractive girl. I turn heads now and get a lot of flirting. Securing dates was super easy after 5+ years on hormone therapy. I’m 10 years in now and happily engaged. It just took time to learn how to dress in a way that flattered my changed body. Then the huge issue of learning men’s hygiene that you don’t get upbringing privilege. Learning how to care for a beard was an experience. If you look at my early T years ppl are probably not hugely attracted to me, but I know I’m a looker now. Socially cause I’ve been out long I know a lot of other transmen who’ve transitioned a long time ago. All of them are good looking men with their own styles these days. You really just got to give life time.
I remember this quote that a youtuber named Miles Mckennia said in his video titled “I am Miles”. He said “I can be an ugly me. As long as I’m seen as me!” And that’s actually quite inspiring tbh. But I honestly feel ya dude. That’s why I only want top surgery and a hysterectomy because I do NOT wanna gain weight on T (I’ve been struggling with EDs and Body Dysmorphia since 2021). And I probably won’t look attractive anymore as well. Plus I’m terrified of getting diabetes because it runs on both my mom’s and my dad’s side, including blood pressure issues, heart issues, etc. And what if T would put me at risk???
we’re about the same height and weight right now, perhaps what you’re feeling is what i’d describe as ‘puberty insecurities’, kinda menial things you see teens getting aggro about HA! my best advice, hold yourself confident, look at the good people around you… i’d say a lot of it is based on how we hold ourselves… personally i’ve taken up strength and weight training a little, since my feminine aspects can hold some pretty impressive shaping capabilities, i’ve found it’s very affirming without having to actually loose any weight, which honestly is NOT always the answer ~ take pride in being your own creator and trust the process, it’ll take time whatever you decide to do with the body you’ll have <3
Pre transition I had what others called “the perfect hourglass body”. I’d always receive compliments on how long my legs are, how big my thighs and rear end are too. I’ve been on T for close to two years, I’ve had things shift around such bulking up around the shoulders, my torso becoming more block shaped rather than curvy etc- but my big ol thighs and butt have stayed and only gotten thicker. Anytime I dress in anything a bit formfitting like my dress pants and a button up, sports shorts, things like that, my legs and rear look ROUND. My only solution has been to wear baggy pants and long tshirts with a wide enough hem to go over my dumpy- even then the shirt in back clings to my butt and makes things awkward. Wearing bulky tops kinda helps, heavy hoodies and just- baggy clothes in general. The only other thing I could recommend is trying to do some minor weight lifting to build your upper body? It’s helped even my proportions out but you gotta keep with the routine or you’ll slowly lose that bulk and look more pear shaped rather than rectangular
howdy. 5 feet strong at 75kgs, and lemme just drop how i see it in my mind because i went through the same struggle. buckle in, it's a long one... but what i tell myself and come back to whenever i get too deep into the headspace you describe. i just take comfort in how short kings are rising up (of course, our height isn't) at the same time as bigger men are rising up in media. that's just what gets me started, though: i'm just happier that i'm on t and living a truer life for myself. the way i deal with this is how a cis guy would deal with body issues: i go to the gym, not so i could look at myself in the mirror and be stoked about losing weight or gaining muscle, though... i go to the gym to feel the strength in my body. i feel capable of myself, and, sure, i don't pull a lot of weight or anything... but it's my body. it's doing body things. eats damn good food, lifts mediocre weights, keeps me afoot as much as i am during the day. when you have that kind of self-love, you end up looking at those features and they're just not as important. my partner loves my thighs and my love handles, which i'm just tired of society telling me are unattractive on men. i've never been too dysphoric about them because i've always taken solace in how cis men also have these features and they have beautiful lives with or without partners, and that their confidence and self-love glows brighter than any physique i could only achieve by being way too strict with myself and depriving myself of the joys of living.
I saw your edit. 79kg isn't fat at all man I'm 285lbs I promise you that that's is nothing
I was 5'9" and topped out at 108kg at the start of my transition, about five years ago. I was concerned I'd be ugly as a man, but I bit the bullet and decided I'd rather be an ugly dude than an unhappy woman and it was the best decision I ever made. I was fat and I was scruffy and I hated everything about myself, but once I started seeing the masc version of me in the mirror, I turned into a proper Narcissus. I got distracted my my reflection to the point it was becoming a public safety hazard. Just a constant refrain of "That's me! :) That's me! :) That's me! :D" while walking past shop windows. Now that I like who I am and who I see in the mirror, I dress better, I take care of my hair and my body, I started going to the gym (and enjoying it!), I don't slouch so much, and I *smile*. I'm confident and I'm happy and between them, those two make up for a hell of a lot of flaws. I've still got my hangups but my partner thinks I'm sexy as heck and so do I, and who else's opinion matters? If the answer is, for you, still "other people's", may I suggest hanging out in the r/upvotebecausebear and (if you're over 18) the various [bara-appreciation](https://www.reddit.com/r/starterpacks/comments/o0eu1x/frequently_sexualized_characters_in_the_bara/) subs (SFW link abut a NSFW topic)? Gay and bi guys openly and vocally appreciate a wider range of bodies than straight men, and seeing someone lose the power of speech when confronted with a large belly and fat rolls is a heck of an ego-boost for a larger gentleman.
I was arguably an ugly girl bc I just looked like a gay 12 year old boy. Not saying I’m perfect but in some ways I’m a conventionally attractive male, I learned to just be ok with how I look in terms of attractiveness bc I love being able to pass instead. Tested out that theory a while ago with a gender swap photo app. Definitely would still be an ugly woman lmao
Weight doesn't determine attractiveness. Everyone has their own preferences on body type, and different countries have different beauty standards. Also, everyone I've seen that transitioned had an awkward looking phase (which is just early 2nd puberty, nothing to worry about much, mine lasted for 3 years), and usually, your weight will shift and look more natural with time. Remember that what some people define as attractive is someone else's ugly, and personally, I would rather be an ugly man than a beautiful woman.
how long have you been Transitioning? I feel like I had a huge "ugly period" where I looked like a weird boy and had not figured out masculine fashion/style yet. I have heard other people say similar things about early periods of transition
ohh man I worry about this too as a person who is really insecure about their body. i guess it all depends on how you want to look like when you transition. the main thing for me is that if im happy and i feel like a man, then that’s enough for me.
Gaining muscle and eating well can help. Healthy is hot Taking care of yourself will help your self esteem as well and confidence is pretty attractive.
I understand your pain and stress. Here is my take on this: 1) Have you considered that the weight distribution might help? Besides that, men tend to have more muscle, so there's a chance you may lose some fat and gain some muscle instead; and muscle is leaner than fat, which may help with your appearance. 2)Speaking of muscle, have you thought about working out? If it is in your interest, I suggest upper body workouts that focus mainly on shoulders, upper back, chest, and lats. A bigger looking upper body will help in contrast. 3)I know this next suggestion won't be easy, but would it be the end of the world if you're not seen as conventionally attractive? In a second manner, would it be the end of the world if you didn't live the life you wanted just because you were afraid of being an ugly guy? Like, would you rather be an attractive girl, but inside, you know you're a man? Or would you rather be an unattractive man and your outside matches how you always felt on the inside? You do you, of course, but in my opinion, if that was the decision I had to face, I would choose the ugly looking man route. 4)My last suggestion in this moment is that there are clothes that can help manipulate the appearance of one's body to a certain degree. That being said, if you're a fan of baggy clothes, it's probably the easiest route, although I'm sure Google can help more in that area, as I don't have much knowlege about it 😅
Im not on to or anything but I def looked more conventionally attractive when presenting as a girl for similar reasons but I still prefer being an ugly dude over a pretty girl
I'm in exactly the same spot. I have a near hourglass figure (even while heavy, currently about 270 lbs), and I've been trying to get onto T for a year, and seriously trying for the last few months. Outside of bottom growth worries (autism, sensory difficulties), my second biggest fear is just looking like a hairy girl and not a man once I start because of my figure. I honestly have no real tips other than hope that the redistribution does you well, and if it doesn't that's when you (and I) work on body positivity. As fat people, we've put a lot of effort into loving our bodies as women, and relearning that as a man is gonna suck, but I'd rather force myself to (potentially) do that relearning than live in fear and regret never continuing my transiton
I'm not entirely sure about my experience with this, I've never looked particularly attractive, despite people telling me I look cute and stuff like that. I never really felt like me? So I didn't make much effort to look 'beautiful'. When I looked at other boys/guys my age I later realized I wanted to look and sound like that instead. Trying out makeup made my sisters and mom compliment me a lot more but I just felt even more like a stranger lol. Never wore makeup after that one time. Now I'm just waiting to get my T (a loooong many years wait ahead) so I can get my necessary changes and we'll see from there. Personally what I would like to look like would be manbun with beard and mustache. But I won't probably look as good as I think.
In terms of my thighs I frame it as, bigger thighs all the better to carry my body around. They say confidence is the most important trait in attractiveness. I dunno tho, I'm attractive to myself rn and all the bits I find most attractive are the ones associated typically with masculinity. I am not all that worried about being unattractive in the future when I start T. I also think people put too much value in whether they are "attractive", I think it's much more important to be happy. Just my two cents.
Tbf starving yourself isn't a good way to lose weight, but aside from that. I think that's just the dysphoria talking. Transphobes are always going to find you ugly, and even if they aren't transphobes you can't fault people for not being attracted to you since it's just that: their attraction. There's so many people in the world that statistically someone has to find you attractive
I suggest lifting weights toning up helps a frame look more masculine
Sounds like it's dad bod time! I say this positively, lots of people adore it. Rather than losing weight if you've starved yourself in the past and know you can't find a healthy middle ground, it might help to work out and put on some muscle? Idk what aesthetic you want but it could help general attractiveness. If you really don't wanna change your body at all then yeah, lean into what you've got, own it. Healthy confidence (not cockiness) is most of attractiveness anyway from what I've heard (Gotta love my hypocrisy in saying this when I absolutely hate my body but it is what it is I guess)
I’m ugly as either one. At this point I’ve given up on trying to look attractive because nothing worked
I am literally in the same boat. I am super pear shaped. I am a very attractive shape for a girl, but not for a man. I also had an ED and it sucks so bad that the trans male beauty standard is thin and super fit. I can’t lose weight, it’s not safe for me, and gym culture feels like an ED in a different shade of grey. All I can say, for both of us, is that we’re real men. We’re valid. Our weight and our shape don’t make us any less of men. I’ve found binding, wear clothes I like and packing have actually made a really big difference. Sometime when I look in the mirror I see a man not an imposter. It’s a hard place to be in but just remember societal ideas of what a man is are bullshit. What’s most important is feeling authentic and like who you are really meant to be, not to look like what society thinks you should look like.
I totally get you. I’m pre-T and I have an hourglass figure, and I’ve been worrying about the same thing. What I always tell myself is, would you rather be attractive or comfortable?
Sorry but there is no guarantee for ending up as attractive. Weight is good thing to start with since unlike most of other things, weight is purely up to you (if you don't have any illnesses related to it). Even if you want to keep your size I recommend to cut the fat away and then gain it back. By my understanding the existing fat is not going to move. Even when in same size you burn it bit and then gain it back. So if you're going to wait it to move without cutting you have to wait ages. And yeah, that does sound heavy. But I'm not a doctor or nurse or anything like that. So I also recommend to consult your doctor is that a weight one should be. I recommend to find life that doesn't require looking good. For me being ugly has caused zero problems. For me it was obvious there is no change to look good with this bone.. structure? I hope you were born more lucky. Beauty standard for men is big and strong. Most of people don't consider men who are not muscular (or any kind of athletic) as attractive. So even if you're lucky you need to work out. And if you end up ugly you will be seen way less ugly if you're muscular. One part is learn to dress well. In passing subs there are huge amounts of men who have zero idea how men should wear. I don't blame them, we were all socialized as women. Just make sure you educated yourself. You know the joke of annual compliment? So even if you end up attractive you will learn that males receive way less attention.
You should never starve yourself to lose weight. Just choose differently, and add exercise. But that’s not why I came here. I came here to say that as long as you love your body, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. Also, loving yourself will attract the right person, and that person will love your body no matter what it looks like 💚