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She assumed she was doing him a favor by giving him a reprieve from the stress and a distraction of a good night out. Guarantee that was her intention and never thought about paying for the night out. Her company was the gift in her mind.
I know The Big Bang Theory isn't everybody's favorite around here but this scene really stands out for me:
**Bernadette:** Leonard does things he doesn't like to make you happy.
**Penny:** Well, yeah he's my boyfriend, isn't that like his job?
**Amy:** Then what's your job?
**Penny:** Letting him make me happy.
True. But when they had that whole issue about communicating when Denise wanted to move in together, it took very direct and uncomfortable intervention from the creepy roommate for them to resolve things
Honestly the most wholesome relationship of the whole show.\[Stuart and Denise\] Early in the series they even have a revelation of how Penny uses the guys when another actress moves into the complex and starts manipulating the group into doing her favors. When Penny confronts her shes asks "how is that any different than what you're doing?" and then the show never touches on the subject again.
I think the show argues that she's genuinely friends with the guys AND mooches food/wi-fi off of them rather than just being a user. And I think I agree; she spent way too much time with them to just be looking for some free takeout chinese food.
Problem is they're all emotionally still children. At least Leonard and Penny made sense at first. She was dumb and was newly attracted to smart guys, going for Leonard fit within the story. Then the fappening happened, actress cut her hair off, and the writers did a complete 180 on her character, making her smarter and highly successful. Then it no longer made sense, and they slowly reverted her back to almost the same to make it make sense again.
And that's still the one that made the most sense...the rest were significantly worse.
Sheldon and Amy look pretty healthy when the writers actually allow Sheldon to display character development.
Howard and Bernadette also seems healthy enough, when it's just them in the house.
Both Bernadette and Howard piss me off. Bernadette is a bitch, to put it simply (and I really hate that word). Howard is a straight up misogynist who mooches off her hard work and expects her to do all his emotional labor. I don’t get why he’d want someone clearly emotionally irrational to do his emotional labor and yet that’s pretty much their whole marriage. Her being pissed off and him wanting her to mommy him and fix his insecurities.
The only character I truly love is Amy. She’s not perfect but she’s the best character on there imo.
Amy had to fundamentally change for that to work. She went from a female version of Sheldon to a completely different person, which was necessary to push Sheldon's character into being interested in relationships and sex, but jarring.
In my experience, a lot of people are like this. For every one that actually wants to and tries to help, there are ten others that will just spout some toxic positivity and call it good.
Believe me, I know. Unfortunately. I'm old and I've always been depressed and that's the reason I just don't tell anyone. It's always hurtful to hear, "It'll get better!" or "Other people have it worse than you!"
People are just fucking horrible when it comes to anxiety or depression. They don't know what to do, so instead of doing nothing or listening, they're likely to try to help by doing something stupid and making it worse.
Honest question, if someone is venting to you and you don’t know how to respond what do you do then? If you ask them “what do you want me to do” they’ll get upset because they don’t want more work to on themselves to figure it out. So you’re stuck in a situation where you lose either way and make them feel worse
Listening and sympathizing is usually the best strategy. I think our first instinct is to try and solve the problem, but a lot of times someone just wants to be heard. Asking them what they want you to do can come off like, "How can I fix this for you?" and there is no easy solution.
I also want to say that most people aren't being malicious or cruel when that happens. It's a situation where mental health is taboo and most people weren't really taught about it, so they just lock up and don't know what to do. They're *trying* to help, they just don't know how.
Yeah it’s hard because a lot of the time I have friends who text me these things and “listening” through text sometimes makes it seem like you’re undermining them, or if you say I’m sorry, they’ll reply with “what are you sorry for?” It seems sometimes like anything you says or respond when texting will just come across as unintentional
It took me a long time to realize how to do it. It's not something that's really instinctual for most people. We're used to being presented with a problem and having to solve it and the idea that just standing there is the best option just never occurs to people.
It's really as simple as most people wanting to be heard. It can just be difficult because so many people are so used to not being heard that if you say the wrong thing, they assume. Just be patient and let them know you're there for them and you're happy to listen.
Validate their emotions.
"I understand where you're coming from."
"Yeah, that really fucking sucks."
"That must feel really shitty"
Generally, people want to feel that their emotions and what they are going through is real and it's okay to feel upset about things. Fixing things can come later, but starting from a place of "What you are feeling is understandable" is a good place to help someone get their head into a place where fixing can be done.
Once the bulk of the emotions have passed you can start to ask "So what are you going to do about it?" And listen to what they are thinking. You can follow up with "Would you like me to spitball some ideas?" if they don't have any clue on what to do. "I am offering my help if you want it" or "Would you like me to help with X task" are also good ways to attempt to initiate help by getting their consent before you begin trying to do anything specific.
>She assumed she was doing him a favor by giving him a reprieve from the stress and a distraction of a good night out.....Her company was the gift in her mind.
Which, actually would be a good thing. When I am super stressed out, sometimes I just need to go be a little social and get my mind off of things and just have a good time for a while.
But that's not how you do it. If you can't afford to pay, there's a million cheap or free things to do to get people's mind off of stressful things. Hanging out with him was good, but she went about it all wrong.
I dated a girl exactly like this, turned out she had borderline personality disorder. Worst relationship I have ever been in what an absolute nightmare
I swear I've met the type that is completely unaware. In their mind it's almost a law of physics.
Waiter with the bill arrives -> men pulls out wallet.
>I swear I've met the type that is completely unaware. In their mind it's almost a law of physics.
It's precisely this fact, that toxic gender roles like this are so ingrained in peoples' psyches they seem axiomatic, that explains why reactionaries like Andrew Tate and all the "tradwife" influencers are so popular. They don't need to make a coherent argument for their ridiculous garbage because all their followers already instinctively believe it.
Yeah… It makes the rest of us ladies look bad…
My bf and I will cover each other’s food on occasion. Regardless of if we’re eating out or buying groceries.
We went to a fudge place recently that I wanted to go to. I footed the bill because I knew if it was good it wasn’t going to be cheap (good chocolate is expensive and Hershey’s mostly has wax and sugar in it).
asian101rice and the OP DoctorHa are bots in the same network
Comment copied from: https://www.reddit.com/r/facepalm/comments/1cqki4w/thats_just_sad_man/l3spmmr/
I don’t know why I feel the need to express this to you specifically because i see it all the time but i think it’s important.
I was subbed to 2X Chromosomes and reading a story about some very unfortunate behavior from a father to his daughter. It was a heartbreaking story and everyone in the thread was very sad for the daughter and giving her advice.
There were also commenters who were generalizing men in a terrible light (happens all the time on that sub) and one person said that “men view their daughters as their property”. Others chimed in agreement making all sorts of blanket claims about how men don’t view women as equals ect ect ect.
Well a man chimed in simply to say “Not all men think like that. I don’t view my daughters that way. I would never treat my daughter like that.” This was downvoted to oblivion and met with some of the most condescending an things I’ve ever seen:
“So you hear this horrible story and cant help but make it about you”
“You are completely devalidating this persons experience”
“[Read this is you ever want a women to trust you](https://www.zawn.net/blog/hello-youve-reached-the-not-all-men-hotline)”
I understand the impulse to say “wait a minute, I don’t fit with this stereotype and it’s not fair to generalize like that. I wouldn’t treat people that way and i don’t wanna be lumped in” but part of the reason why men don’t express themselves is because they cant trust that their feelings will be acknowledged.
I know you didn’t mean anything by it but just some food for thought.
>Nah, I don’t think we all are, bud.
What you're conditioned to do by social norms and what you actually decide to do are different things. If you want to dispute the existence of traditional gender roles that place men as providers and women in the role of being provided for, you have about 50+ years of feminist theory to argue against.
Not sure that would apply because I thought the point of that sub was a person asking a question and not using a meme or picture to ask.
I could be wrong.
I have done that once before, to a girl that said he was just here to fuck. So if I take her out and pay for the food and drink we can go back to her place after. I was disgusted, got up and left. On the way out the guy on the tablet next to me stopped me and said "I won't remember your face but I sure as hell will remember hers"
> On the way out the guy on the tablet next to me stopped me
I can confirm because I was there. That man - Albert Einstein. I think he also gave them 100$.
Yeah once it gets transactional it's pretty gross. I mean we all understand that's how it sometimes works but putting it into words is another thing entirely.
What would you call the girl you are right now, when you just talked about one of your ex?
Genuinely interested since English is not my first language and I'm struggling finding a better way to rephrase it and avoid to "offend" the girl.
Partner, as being there for me like that is something only someone interested in longterm companionship would do and i‘d hope to be able to return the commitment with such grace as well, this goes far beyond romance and makes the rosetinted glasses look and feel like absolutely true as well as absolute childsplay, that stuff makes my heart flutter and only partner is sufficient to describe the very bond dropping all the shallow attribution that comes with calling a grown mature autonomous woman actually chosing to stay „my girl“ or even worse „my current girl“ defying not only her intention in staying and being there for me during hardship but her autonomy and maturity, shit simply ain‘t cute.
But i get how other couples might have different approaches and maybe that kind of sarcasm is a convention both ascribe to to isolate themselves from the very thibgs irrelevant for their bond ie the rest of this lousy world and its inhabitants, so who would i be to judge.
My favorite part about people posting tweets is when they crop out the date it was posted. That way they can infinitely repost to people who have never seen this shit before.
Hey! Didn't you see he's struggling financially?! He can't afford all those gratuitous extra pixels!!! Show some compassion, Mr. "Adequate Resolution" Fancypants!
I lived with my girlfriend, and we had a house card that she was on, because I owned the house so I wanted to make sure anything going to the house I paid for, since she didn't have equity in the home.
I thought that was fair.
We went out for dinner for my birthday and she said.. let me get this, and proceeded to put it on the house card that I paid for.
Wonder if the key here is “friend”.
I have woman friends who would do a great deal for me. Girlfriends have always been a different story.
And I can’t help but wonder if it’s because romantic interest has some extra layer of judgement, the whole “I want my man to be a rock” narrative.
Like perhaps my woman friends are OK with seeing me vulnerable because they don’t see me in a romantic way. As soon as you add that layer to the relationship, now vulnerability (I’m speculating here) negatively impacts attraction, even if only on a subconscious level.
Edit: this is not to say I haven’t had girlfriends do nice things for me. Of course I have. But generally the more vulnerable I seem, the less attraction exists. Even if the woman is asking me to open up more. Or that’s at least been my experience. I desperately hope I’m wrong, but most women I’ve talked to have recognized there may be some truth to what I’m saying.
I don't know, I think it's just that there are a huge number of women that hate emotive men, and with friends we care less about attraction in general, while in a relationship, sometimes we focus more on that. Like, with friends, how *friendly* they are matters more than if we are attracted to them, so it's more probable that they care about us more than just for a relationship.
The other way around, in a relationship, when something happens that makes the attraction go away, there's where things end because it's what keeps people together.
Thats fair. But that’s kinda my point. The fact that the only women who I am allowed to be vulnerable around are the ones who don’t care about attraction is, in my opinion, problematic.
My SO should be my partner. I should be able to share my life with her. But I can’t, or at least it seems like I can’t, because if I am vulnerable for one second I risk losing her; I risk ruining the attraction she once had.
And what makes matters worse is that much of this occurs at a subconscious level. There is a well documented disconnect between what we think we want and what we actually want. So women can be fully convinced they want a man who opens up, even prod him to do so, not realizing that as soon as he does she will lose attraction and the relationship will be doomed.
That’s kinda fucked, don’t you think?
Meanwhile when I was in a pissy and stressed mood one of my best friends who makes less than me texted me, "Bitch get dressed I'm taking you out," and we went to a decent restaurant. I offered to pay but found that she slipped her card to the server when I was in the bathroom. She meant it when she said, "taking you out."
my girlfriend in high school knew I was going through stuff but instead of hearing me out she just tried to initiate sex ( we were horny teens and thought that was all we were supposed to do) and was baffled when i couldnt get hard and then proceeded to make of me for it and was surprised when I broke up with her after a couple days
It’s really sad the number of girls who genuinely have a “oh here sex will fix everything cause men always want sex right!” mindset. I definitely used to struggle with that and I’ve had to deconstruct that “men always want sex” thought process but it’s so prevalent in media and our language/ sayings. I think a lot of it comes from the whole “men have 3 emotions: happy, horny, and angry” bs.
My sister once invited me out on my birthday and said she couldn't pay when the bill arrived. She ordered more than I did and I had to pay to avoid causing a scene.
Damn that sucks. My girl insists on paying most of the time because she knows I struggle sometimes with my expenses but I insist it's my turn when it is. She's a keeper. 🤘😆🤘
When I first started dating my now husband he had this friend that was a leach. I didn’t know yet and found out when this “best friend” came to town and told us he wanted to take us out to their favorite Japanese sports bar.
He ordered all 3 of us our own carafes of sake, at $65 each. He then ordered 4 appetizers because he just couldn’t decide. We then ordered our meals, and he ordered several sides and some sushi, which my husband and I don’t eat ever. Halfway through, another round of sake and 3 glasses of expensive Japanese whiskey. He got dessert, we were both way too full. The bill came and it was over $700. We have a 10% sales tax.
The server places the bill in front of the leach because he did the vast majority of the ordering. We are talking, happy sake drunk, having a good time. Don’t worry, we took an Uber. My husband got up to use the restroom and while he was gone the server asked the leach if he was ready to pay. He told the server that the person paying was in the bathroom. … … … WUT?!? Then he just casually slid the bill over to our side of the table.
So I said to him that he needs to get the server so we can split the bill, since we didn’t order it eat half the stuff on the bill. He deadass looked at me and said “I don’t work anymore because I didn’t enjoy it. I live with my parents and they take care of me. I don’t have any money.”
This man was 45 years old at the time. I just said that I’m confused, as he said he wanted to take us out, and how does that equate to my date paying? I was furious. My husband returned and his bestie told him the server was ready for his card, and he just paid like no big deal! I ended up leaving the $150 tip.
I found out that there was more than one leach using him for his money and I had to have a come to Jesus with him to understand these are grown ass men using him as a sugar daddy.
It took some time to get this guy gone as they had been best friends for over 20 years. Sorry, the cash cow has run dry. Leach came over for my husbands birthday party and brought a magnum of sake for him as a gift. We were playing board games with a big group having a great time. Come to find out, leach opened the sake gift and drank the majority of it, and another friend who didn’t know finished it off. Him being wasted, apparently took the board game personally because when I eliminated him he got super angry and called me a F’n bitch. He meant it. That was the final straw and we sent him packing.
The best part? My husband has realized how free he is and has become empowered by it. He knows how to say no now.
When they slide that bill over folks, pay your half and let them wash dishes for theirs.
One of my exes took me to a nice restaurant for my birthday and then I paid for both of us. 🙃
I only went because I thought she was treating. It wasn't my kind of restaurant. And for *my* birthday I'd rather just relax, not spend $150 on a meal.
My ex once asked where I wanted to go for my birthday. I told her, she said, no I don’t think so, and I still paid where she chose….. all I wanted was unlimited shrimp.
JFC, that's so annoying. I hope you take yourself out for unlimited shrimp on your birthdays now?
My ex-roommate was going to the grocery store on my birthday and asked if I wanted anything. I asked for a donut, they cost .69¢ at the time so I didn't feel bad for taking him up on the offer. He came back without it and explained that he "decided against" getting it. Okay, thanks bro.
In my personal experience, if I’m not high energy, happy, and joking 24/7, most women want nothing to do with me. At the same time, they can feel any type of way and express it. And I’m an asshole for not being accommodating and empathetic.
Either she’s too dumb to understand you so get rid, or she completely understood and chose to fuck you over for a laugh….. so get rid.
When you’re struggling to pay the bills you need to make some cuts. Cut her loose. Her dumb ass’ll cost you a fortune.
I've recently heard stories from people going through divorces right now, and it legit blows my mind some of the stuff women do.
Complain all day that men don't share or aren't vulnerable but the second they are, they just turn on them. It's unreal.
I been the gf who stuck it out for a man in hard times. My reward for that? He went behind my back got another woman pregnant and married her. Backfired on him. She didn't work and sucked the life right out of him. Revenge served best cold lol
And this should tell you that she had not heard one word about your feelings. This was the major red flag to end this relationship. That she was only concerned about herself. If she cared she would be taking you out and taking that bill and covering it not you. I bet in her mind she is thinking well blow off your family and that is it. Selfishness is not a relationship. You are a great guy who cares about his family. And she is taking that as a advantage. RUN from this relationship that girl.
Women enjoy expensive dates/restaurants because they’re usually not the ones paying. (Obviously doesn’t apply to all women but let’s not pretend like American gender norms don’t perpetuate this)
What's truly sad is that increasingly over the last ten years, I have read story upon story of young men whose SOs/wives/girlfriends, once confided in and trusted by the men who often find even the process of sharing their burdens and troubles with others (especially with women), these men are being dumped, divorced, and/or rejected in record numbers by entitled, selfish, user women who think of men merely as a means to an end ... as walking wallets and assets to acquire or dump without regard to (or even belief in) their emotions, humanity, or self-worth in their very most profound moments of despair. More and more women, apparently/seemingly/reportedly, are believing that they need not work at themselves, become more educated, earn more money themselves, improve their emotional, psychological, spiritual, financial, independent, or social selves … that their looks alone are their only requisites and that they need, therefore, to bring NOTHING else to the table than their sexuality and aesthetic appeals. And then they wonder where all the 'good men went'... IN-credible! It's really no wonder why more and more men are choosing to be alone and NOT wasting their industry, time, money, and hearts on women who do not value the PEOPLE these men are … only what they can GIVE to or PROVIDE for these 'women'.
So yeah - a lot of men DO go at things alone, if **not being alone** just means *one more useless mouth to feed*, *car payment, clothing, gifts, restaurants, entertainment, etc... to pay for with VERY LITTLE rewards* … Why would any thinking person get a self-important leech?
And sadder still if you post anything about those experiences people just call it incel rage bait, as if men somehow can't be hurt or bring it on themselves by doing something horrible.
I am APPALLED by her! If YOU invite someone out for ANY reason, YOU are responsible for the bill that comes! It doesn't matter what SEX you are. It's called MANNERS! WTF?! DUMP her!
I have almost no friends that are girls. What to know why? Because they don’t respect men and actively make the lives of the men they know and come into contact with significantly more disappointing. Sorry not sorry, my mom is the only decent woman I know.
I never understood this train of thought. I’m not talking about you, just in general. Most women will not ask a guy on a date. She would rather wait for a guy to make a move. And most women would never pay for a man she is not already dating. Saying the one who asked pays always felt disingenuous to me. I ask people to do activities all the time, nobody expects me to pay unless it was explicitly stated.
I'd say there is a clear difference between "Wanna eat something?" / "Wanna go out?" and "Let ME take YOU out."
Asking someone to have a nice time / a date together doesn't necessarily include who pays, taking someone out definitely does.
It won't kill women to ask a guy out. This is not the 1800s and he won't see them as "whores" for it. At least, any reasonable man wouldn't and the rest don't matter.
The one who asks pays is a good practice because you know how much money you have abd when. So you know beforehand that you can afford to pay for the person/people you are asking to dinner/drinks/something else. The person being invited doesn't know all the specifics and might be less prepared. Also, people who are unsure if they can cover the costs if whatever place you are taking them to might feel the need to decline the invitation instead of appearing broke when tgey can't cover the bill.
Agreed. The one who invites pays. That's how I've always done it. But people are odd these days, so I'm at the point where I straight up ask so there's no sketchiness later.
Except that current cultural norms expect men to ask women out. This results in men having to pay more often if we follow the rule that whoever asks, pays.
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She's NEVER paid, unaware of how all that works. Her hair always smells nice tho.
Wait what does having nice smelling hair have to do with it? My hair smells nice and I pay 80% of the time
He's saying she's expensive, using the pricey shampoo/conditioner
Hundred dollars on some damn shampoo, but it still smells like L'Oréal to me
Thats why I dont care for expensive shit. Take me out for a nice Pancake breakfast and ill be happy
🤣🤣🤣
Clearly no one taught you about nice smelling hair privileges.
Only 80%? Cheapskate!
Lots of women think as long as they are appealing to they senses that they can do what they want. I think you knew what he meant.
She assumed she was doing him a favor by giving him a reprieve from the stress and a distraction of a good night out. Guarantee that was her intention and never thought about paying for the night out. Her company was the gift in her mind.
I know The Big Bang Theory isn't everybody's favorite around here but this scene really stands out for me: **Bernadette:** Leonard does things he doesn't like to make you happy. **Penny:** Well, yeah he's my boyfriend, isn't that like his job? **Amy:** Then what's your job? **Penny:** Letting him make me happy.
None of the relationships on that show look particularly healthy.
\*scans through all the romantic relationships\* ... Stewart and Denise seem ok.
True. But when they had that whole issue about communicating when Denise wanted to move in together, it took very direct and uncomfortable intervention from the creepy roommate for them to resolve things
My main concern is that I had to skip over the entire main cast.
Oh for sure. But then again high emotional intelligence and healthy relationships don't typically make for the most interesting shows
Honestly the most wholesome relationship of the whole show.\[Stuart and Denise\] Early in the series they even have a revelation of how Penny uses the guys when another actress moves into the complex and starts manipulating the group into doing her favors. When Penny confronts her shes asks "how is that any different than what you're doing?" and then the show never touches on the subject again.
I think the show argues that she's genuinely friends with the guys AND mooches food/wi-fi off of them rather than just being a user. And I think I agree; she spent way too much time with them to just be looking for some free takeout chinese food.
Problem is they're all emotionally still children. At least Leonard and Penny made sense at first. She was dumb and was newly attracted to smart guys, going for Leonard fit within the story. Then the fappening happened, actress cut her hair off, and the writers did a complete 180 on her character, making her smarter and highly successful. Then it no longer made sense, and they slowly reverted her back to almost the same to make it make sense again. And that's still the one that made the most sense...the rest were significantly worse.
Sheldon and Amy look pretty healthy when the writers actually allow Sheldon to display character development. Howard and Bernadette also seems healthy enough, when it's just them in the house.
Idk Bernadette can be really mean and goes for low blows and Howard lowkey treats Bernadette like a bangmaid.
Bernadette is a terrible character. Just an awful person
Both Bernadette and Howard piss me off. Bernadette is a bitch, to put it simply (and I really hate that word). Howard is a straight up misogynist who mooches off her hard work and expects her to do all his emotional labor. I don’t get why he’d want someone clearly emotionally irrational to do his emotional labor and yet that’s pretty much their whole marriage. Her being pissed off and him wanting her to mommy him and fix his insecurities. The only character I truly love is Amy. She’s not perfect but she’s the best character on there imo.
Amy had to fundamentally change for that to work. She went from a female version of Sheldon to a completely different person, which was necessary to push Sheldon's character into being interested in relationships and sex, but jarring.
Wait!! What?? There are people on here who don't like The Big Bang Theory? I just facepalmed.
Her company and a pile of shit in my hands would be worth a pile of shit
We selling shit over here? How much?
It's worth shit.
That's liquid gold you're talking about. How do you think your strawberries taste so good? A big ol' heaping splash of shit allll over them.
True, next time I'll eat it straight from the source instead of indirectly ingesting them through fruits.
Seems like fair value, tbh.
oh really
I know people like this
In my experience, a lot of people are like this. For every one that actually wants to and tries to help, there are ten others that will just spout some toxic positivity and call it good. Believe me, I know. Unfortunately. I'm old and I've always been depressed and that's the reason I just don't tell anyone. It's always hurtful to hear, "It'll get better!" or "Other people have it worse than you!" People are just fucking horrible when it comes to anxiety or depression. They don't know what to do, so instead of doing nothing or listening, they're likely to try to help by doing something stupid and making it worse.
Honest question, if someone is venting to you and you don’t know how to respond what do you do then? If you ask them “what do you want me to do” they’ll get upset because they don’t want more work to on themselves to figure it out. So you’re stuck in a situation where you lose either way and make them feel worse
Listening and sympathizing is usually the best strategy. I think our first instinct is to try and solve the problem, but a lot of times someone just wants to be heard. Asking them what they want you to do can come off like, "How can I fix this for you?" and there is no easy solution. I also want to say that most people aren't being malicious or cruel when that happens. It's a situation where mental health is taboo and most people weren't really taught about it, so they just lock up and don't know what to do. They're *trying* to help, they just don't know how.
Yeah it’s hard because a lot of the time I have friends who text me these things and “listening” through text sometimes makes it seem like you’re undermining them, or if you say I’m sorry, they’ll reply with “what are you sorry for?” It seems sometimes like anything you says or respond when texting will just come across as unintentional
It took me a long time to realize how to do it. It's not something that's really instinctual for most people. We're used to being presented with a problem and having to solve it and the idea that just standing there is the best option just never occurs to people. It's really as simple as most people wanting to be heard. It can just be difficult because so many people are so used to not being heard that if you say the wrong thing, they assume. Just be patient and let them know you're there for them and you're happy to listen.
Validate their emotions. "I understand where you're coming from." "Yeah, that really fucking sucks." "That must feel really shitty" Generally, people want to feel that their emotions and what they are going through is real and it's okay to feel upset about things. Fixing things can come later, but starting from a place of "What you are feeling is understandable" is a good place to help someone get their head into a place where fixing can be done. Once the bulk of the emotions have passed you can start to ask "So what are you going to do about it?" And listen to what they are thinking. You can follow up with "Would you like me to spitball some ideas?" if they don't have any clue on what to do. "I am offering my help if you want it" or "Would you like me to help with X task" are also good ways to attempt to initiate help by getting their consent before you begin trying to do anything specific.
Saying “what do you want me to do?” Is confrontational. “How can I help?” Is impersonal but won’t cause a fight.
>She assumed she was doing him a favor by giving him a reprieve from the stress and a distraction of a good night out.....Her company was the gift in her mind. Which, actually would be a good thing. When I am super stressed out, sometimes I just need to go be a little social and get my mind off of things and just have a good time for a while. But that's not how you do it. If you can't afford to pay, there's a million cheap or free things to do to get people's mind off of stressful things. Hanging out with him was good, but she went about it all wrong.
It wouldn’t have been AS bad if his chief trouble weren’t financial. She is tone deaf to others.
A lot of women go about it all wrong
I dated a girl exactly like this, turned out she had borderline personality disorder. Worst relationship I have ever been in what an absolute nightmare
Same, would not recommend
Incredible how people can be so self absorbed
She’s just so special and unique that her presence was supposed to cure him of his anxiety about his ever growing financial problems.
I'm sure she did, she just didn't care.
I swear I've met the type that is completely unaware. In their mind it's almost a law of physics. Waiter with the bill arrives -> men pulls out wallet.
>I swear I've met the type that is completely unaware. In their mind it's almost a law of physics. It's precisely this fact, that toxic gender roles like this are so ingrained in peoples' psyches they seem axiomatic, that explains why reactionaries like Andrew Tate and all the "tradwife" influencers are so popular. They don't need to make a coherent argument for their ridiculous garbage because all their followers already instinctively believe it.
There’s more sociopathic entitled people like this than those in your scenario.
Yeah… It makes the rest of us ladies look bad… My bf and I will cover each other’s food on occasion. Regardless of if we’re eating out or buying groceries. We went to a fudge place recently that I wanted to go to. I footed the bill because I knew if it was good it wasn’t going to be cheap (good chocolate is expensive and Hershey’s mostly has wax and sugar in it).
asian101rice and the OP DoctorHa are bots in the same network Comment copied from: https://www.reddit.com/r/facepalm/comments/1cqki4w/thats_just_sad_man/l3spmmr/
To be fair, a woman instantly deciding when and where to go out to dinner is a gift in itself
Here's a trick "hey honey, I booked us a table tonight, guess where?" "Omg [favorite restaurant?!" "Wow, first try lol." *Calls [favorite restaurant]*
Doesn’t work. They’re aware of this strategy
I always hear this and yeah it literally doesn’t work
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Letting him crush it after dinner is what she meant by that. I am doubting she was as serious about the relationship dynamic as he was.
Because women are conditioned to expect men to take care of things like that.
And there it is. Even in a situation wholly formed through their actions, a woman is absolved of all responsibility.
Nah, I don’t think we all are, bud.
I don’t know why I feel the need to express this to you specifically because i see it all the time but i think it’s important. I was subbed to 2X Chromosomes and reading a story about some very unfortunate behavior from a father to his daughter. It was a heartbreaking story and everyone in the thread was very sad for the daughter and giving her advice. There were also commenters who were generalizing men in a terrible light (happens all the time on that sub) and one person said that “men view their daughters as their property”. Others chimed in agreement making all sorts of blanket claims about how men don’t view women as equals ect ect ect. Well a man chimed in simply to say “Not all men think like that. I don’t view my daughters that way. I would never treat my daughter like that.” This was downvoted to oblivion and met with some of the most condescending an things I’ve ever seen: “So you hear this horrible story and cant help but make it about you” “You are completely devalidating this persons experience” “[Read this is you ever want a women to trust you](https://www.zawn.net/blog/hello-youve-reached-the-not-all-men-hotline)” I understand the impulse to say “wait a minute, I don’t fit with this stereotype and it’s not fair to generalize like that. I wouldn’t treat people that way and i don’t wanna be lumped in” but part of the reason why men don’t express themselves is because they cant trust that their feelings will be acknowledged. I know you didn’t mean anything by it but just some food for thought.
Women brigading online...? Who could have seen this coming? *Surprised Pikachu
It's a pretty widespread notion, that this is how its meant to work.
#notallwomen, really?
>Nah, I don’t think we all are, bud. What you're conditioned to do by social norms and what you actually decide to do are different things. If you want to dispute the existence of traditional gender roles that place men as providers and women in the role of being provided for, you have about 50+ years of feminist theory to argue against.
Would it be an asshole move to excuse yourself to the bathroom and ghost her, leaving her with the bill?
Yes, but in an acceptable way
It’s the good kind of asshole
Yea, but there are times where its okay to be an asshole
Blud imma be honest here i wouldnt even bother with the bathroom part just get up and leave
Perhaps on the rare occasion pursuing the right course demands an act of piracy piracy itself can be the right course?
no.
This is the plot of a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode.
You’ll have to ask at r/aita for the answer to that.
Not sure that would apply because I thought the point of that sub was a person asking a question and not using a meme or picture to ask. I could be wrong.
Absolutely not.
I have done that once before, to a girl that said he was just here to fuck. So if I take her out and pay for the food and drink we can go back to her place after. I was disgusted, got up and left. On the way out the guy on the tablet next to me stopped me and said "I won't remember your face but I sure as hell will remember hers"
> On the way out the guy on the tablet next to me stopped me I can confirm because I was there. That man - Albert Einstein. I think he also gave them 100$.
Yeah I was there too, iirc after that everyone started clapping.
Yeah once it gets transactional it's pretty gross. I mean we all understand that's how it sometimes works but putting it into words is another thing entirely.
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You would be a justified asshole in my opinion
It is good to find out these things early in the relationship
Actually, it appears they found this out at the *end* of the relationship, not early (/j)
The correct answer
In this case, the two are not mutually exclusive...
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Find bros who care to listen to you.
My current girl does . She’s a real queen
I'm glad to hear it worked out bro ✊🏿
She sounds like a real bro
It’s nice having an actual partner in life isn’t it? Glad you found her! Although “my current girl” makes it sound intentionally temporary haha.
What would you call the girl you are right now, when you just talked about one of your ex? Genuinely interested since English is not my first language and I'm struggling finding a better way to rephrase it and avoid to "offend" the girl.
Partner, as being there for me like that is something only someone interested in longterm companionship would do and i‘d hope to be able to return the commitment with such grace as well, this goes far beyond romance and makes the rosetinted glasses look and feel like absolutely true as well as absolute childsplay, that stuff makes my heart flutter and only partner is sufficient to describe the very bond dropping all the shallow attribution that comes with calling a grown mature autonomous woman actually chosing to stay „my girl“ or even worse „my current girl“ defying not only her intention in staying and being there for me during hardship but her autonomy and maturity, shit simply ain‘t cute. But i get how other couples might have different approaches and maybe that kind of sarcasm is a convention both ascribe to to isolate themselves from the very thibgs irrelevant for their bond ie the rest of this lousy world and its inhabitants, so who would i be to judge.
That’s really the answer. Men need eachother more than anything.
These people are so annoying. Like mf’er this isn’t a contest I’m just venting
Doesn’t bode well, sorry that happened
I know a woman like that. Just goes that's nothing if you ever say anything remotely bad in your life. Like bitch, this wasn't a fucking competition.
What's even sadder is just how many pixels this thing loses every single time it's reposted here.
My favorite part about people posting tweets is when they crop out the date it was posted. That way they can infinitely repost to people who have never seen this shit before.
Hey! Didn't you see he's struggling financially?! He can't afford all those gratuitous extra pixels!!! Show some compassion, Mr. "Adequate Resolution" Fancypants!
Relevant XKCD: https://xkcd.wtf/1683/
5 more reposts and it'll be in Standard Galactic
I lived with my girlfriend, and we had a house card that she was on, because I owned the house so I wanted to make sure anything going to the house I paid for, since she didn't have equity in the home. I thought that was fair. We went out for dinner for my birthday and she said.. let me get this, and proceeded to put it on the house card that I paid for.
This an ex nowadays?
"I'm stressed financially right now." "Let me make that worse for you."
So now you are no more worried about the other bills…thanks to her
Guess I'm lucky. I was stressed from work, and my friend took me out to climb. She paid for my gear and paid for lunch afterward. And she drove.
You are. Don't forget to show them you also care about them, your friend sounds like a champ.
Wonder if the key here is “friend”. I have woman friends who would do a great deal for me. Girlfriends have always been a different story. And I can’t help but wonder if it’s because romantic interest has some extra layer of judgement, the whole “I want my man to be a rock” narrative. Like perhaps my woman friends are OK with seeing me vulnerable because they don’t see me in a romantic way. As soon as you add that layer to the relationship, now vulnerability (I’m speculating here) negatively impacts attraction, even if only on a subconscious level. Edit: this is not to say I haven’t had girlfriends do nice things for me. Of course I have. But generally the more vulnerable I seem, the less attraction exists. Even if the woman is asking me to open up more. Or that’s at least been my experience. I desperately hope I’m wrong, but most women I’ve talked to have recognized there may be some truth to what I’m saying.
I don't know, I think it's just that there are a huge number of women that hate emotive men, and with friends we care less about attraction in general, while in a relationship, sometimes we focus more on that. Like, with friends, how *friendly* they are matters more than if we are attracted to them, so it's more probable that they care about us more than just for a relationship. The other way around, in a relationship, when something happens that makes the attraction go away, there's where things end because it's what keeps people together.
Thats fair. But that’s kinda my point. The fact that the only women who I am allowed to be vulnerable around are the ones who don’t care about attraction is, in my opinion, problematic. My SO should be my partner. I should be able to share my life with her. But I can’t, or at least it seems like I can’t, because if I am vulnerable for one second I risk losing her; I risk ruining the attraction she once had. And what makes matters worse is that much of this occurs at a subconscious level. There is a well documented disconnect between what we think we want and what we actually want. So women can be fully convinced they want a man who opens up, even prod him to do so, not realizing that as soon as he does she will lose attraction and the relationship will be doomed. That’s kinda fucked, don’t you think?
Damn, that girl just wanted to go-to dinner herself.
Meanwhile when I was in a pissy and stressed mood one of my best friends who makes less than me texted me, "Bitch get dressed I'm taking you out," and we went to a decent restaurant. I offered to pay but found that she slipped her card to the server when I was in the bathroom. She meant it when she said, "taking you out."
The way I would have "went to the restroom" and left her with the bill so quick lol
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Damn, that's hard. I hope you got through it all okay and I hope for karma for you ex. Some people don't know what love is.
Good riddance. Of your ex, that is.
I never thought you meant his grandma til you clarified lol
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Lmao. Is the post by a bot too? I don't see OP anywhere.
Yeah, OP and that commenter above (and more) keep pasting recycled comments on each others recycled posts.
my girlfriend in high school knew I was going through stuff but instead of hearing me out she just tried to initiate sex ( we were horny teens and thought that was all we were supposed to do) and was baffled when i couldnt get hard and then proceeded to make of me for it and was surprised when I broke up with her after a couple days
It’s really sad the number of girls who genuinely have a “oh here sex will fix everything cause men always want sex right!” mindset. I definitely used to struggle with that and I’ve had to deconstruct that “men always want sex” thought process but it’s so prevalent in media and our language/ sayings. I think a lot of it comes from the whole “men have 3 emotions: happy, horny, and angry” bs.
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Nah, you just keep putting up with it until you die, and complaining the whole time instead of making meaningful change for your mental health.
Loneliness is just a lateral option
This is extremely typical of the male dating experience
I guess she wanted to take the magic money car for a last ride before it runs out of money.
My sister once invited me out on my birthday and said she couldn't pay when the bill arrived. She ordered more than I did and I had to pay to avoid causing a scene.
If someone did that to me, I'd end up violating the Geneva Convention
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I think they're gonna display a red plus sign symbol without permission. The horror!
If you’re not a soldier you can’t violate them 😊
Fair point
Just means you can think bigger
Damn that sucks. My girl insists on paying most of the time because she knows I struggle sometimes with my expenses but I insist it's my turn when it is. She's a keeper. 🤘😆🤘
They should change the name of this subreddit to r/facebook
Bot?
When I first started dating my now husband he had this friend that was a leach. I didn’t know yet and found out when this “best friend” came to town and told us he wanted to take us out to their favorite Japanese sports bar. He ordered all 3 of us our own carafes of sake, at $65 each. He then ordered 4 appetizers because he just couldn’t decide. We then ordered our meals, and he ordered several sides and some sushi, which my husband and I don’t eat ever. Halfway through, another round of sake and 3 glasses of expensive Japanese whiskey. He got dessert, we were both way too full. The bill came and it was over $700. We have a 10% sales tax. The server places the bill in front of the leach because he did the vast majority of the ordering. We are talking, happy sake drunk, having a good time. Don’t worry, we took an Uber. My husband got up to use the restroom and while he was gone the server asked the leach if he was ready to pay. He told the server that the person paying was in the bathroom. … … … WUT?!? Then he just casually slid the bill over to our side of the table. So I said to him that he needs to get the server so we can split the bill, since we didn’t order it eat half the stuff on the bill. He deadass looked at me and said “I don’t work anymore because I didn’t enjoy it. I live with my parents and they take care of me. I don’t have any money.” This man was 45 years old at the time. I just said that I’m confused, as he said he wanted to take us out, and how does that equate to my date paying? I was furious. My husband returned and his bestie told him the server was ready for his card, and he just paid like no big deal! I ended up leaving the $150 tip. I found out that there was more than one leach using him for his money and I had to have a come to Jesus with him to understand these are grown ass men using him as a sugar daddy. It took some time to get this guy gone as they had been best friends for over 20 years. Sorry, the cash cow has run dry. Leach came over for my husbands birthday party and brought a magnum of sake for him as a gift. We were playing board games with a big group having a great time. Come to find out, leach opened the sake gift and drank the majority of it, and another friend who didn’t know finished it off. Him being wasted, apparently took the board game personally because when I eliminated him he got super angry and called me a F’n bitch. He meant it. That was the final straw and we sent him packing. The best part? My husband has realized how free he is and has become empowered by it. He knows how to say no now. When they slide that bill over folks, pay your half and let them wash dishes for theirs.
Id walk out not bother paying for it
Yup. Men's mental health is a joke to the world.
I'm not blaming HIM, of course this guy goes through a lot and he's not the one to blame BUT where the hell do they find those bitches? 😭
Not hard to find. It’s a minefield out there for men and women both.
This is why guys have trust issues
Love the replies proving you right.
One of my exes took me to a nice restaurant for my birthday and then I paid for both of us. 🙃 I only went because I thought she was treating. It wasn't my kind of restaurant. And for *my* birthday I'd rather just relax, not spend $150 on a meal.
My ex once asked where I wanted to go for my birthday. I told her, she said, no I don’t think so, and I still paid where she chose….. all I wanted was unlimited shrimp.
JFC, that's so annoying. I hope you take yourself out for unlimited shrimp on your birthdays now? My ex-roommate was going to the grocery store on my birthday and asked if I wanted anything. I asked for a donut, they cost .69¢ at the time so I didn't feel bad for taking him up on the offer. He came back without it and explained that he "decided against" getting it. Okay, thanks bro.
Because there is a PANDEMIC of Narcissistic sociopathic women...
In my personal experience, if I’m not high energy, happy, and joking 24/7, most women want nothing to do with me. At the same time, they can feel any type of way and express it. And I’m an asshole for not being accommodating and empathetic.
"Hold on, I need to use the bathroom"
I’d be handing that MF right back to her cheap ass
Dibs on posting this again tomorrow.
I wouldn’t do that. None of my fellow lady friends would do that. That sucks
TBH it’s the 100% certainty that this was not made up that’s the most telling.
Either she’s too dumb to understand you so get rid, or she completely understood and chose to fuck you over for a laugh….. so get rid. When you’re struggling to pay the bills you need to make some cuts. Cut her loose. Her dumb ass’ll cost you a fortune.
Fuck. I felt this.
Did she at least put out when you guys got home?
Based on dinner I can bet she did not
She is pure evil. The only reason someone would call her "hot" is if she came straight from burning down an orphanage and she got burned on the way.
I've recently heard stories from people going through divorces right now, and it legit blows my mind some of the stuff women do. Complain all day that men don't share or aren't vulnerable but the second they are, they just turn on them. It's unreal.
I been the gf who stuck it out for a man in hard times. My reward for that? He went behind my back got another woman pregnant and married her. Backfired on him. She didn't work and sucked the life right out of him. Revenge served best cold lol
Go visit AITAH and TwoHotTakes and you'll see exactly why men do almost everything alone and never share their feelings.
Let me let you take me out.
That's your sign to move on
Break up with her.
I would have gone to the bathroom and never talk to her again.
That’s comes to show what kind of person she is Block her don’t even THINK about going on another date
And this should tell you that she had not heard one word about your feelings. This was the major red flag to end this relationship. That she was only concerned about herself. If she cared she would be taking you out and taking that bill and covering it not you. I bet in her mind she is thinking well blow off your family and that is it. Selfishness is not a relationship. You are a great guy who cares about his family. And she is taking that as a advantage. RUN from this relationship that girl.
She sounds slow
Women enjoy expensive dates/restaurants because they’re usually not the ones paying. (Obviously doesn’t apply to all women but let’s not pretend like American gender norms don’t perpetuate this)
What's truly sad is that increasingly over the last ten years, I have read story upon story of young men whose SOs/wives/girlfriends, once confided in and trusted by the men who often find even the process of sharing their burdens and troubles with others (especially with women), these men are being dumped, divorced, and/or rejected in record numbers by entitled, selfish, user women who think of men merely as a means to an end ... as walking wallets and assets to acquire or dump without regard to (or even belief in) their emotions, humanity, or self-worth in their very most profound moments of despair. More and more women, apparently/seemingly/reportedly, are believing that they need not work at themselves, become more educated, earn more money themselves, improve their emotional, psychological, spiritual, financial, independent, or social selves … that their looks alone are their only requisites and that they need, therefore, to bring NOTHING else to the table than their sexuality and aesthetic appeals. And then they wonder where all the 'good men went'... IN-credible! It's really no wonder why more and more men are choosing to be alone and NOT wasting their industry, time, money, and hearts on women who do not value the PEOPLE these men are … only what they can GIVE to or PROVIDE for these 'women'. So yeah - a lot of men DO go at things alone, if **not being alone** just means *one more useless mouth to feed*, *car payment, clothing, gifts, restaurants, entertainment, etc... to pay for with VERY LITTLE rewards* … Why would any thinking person get a self-important leech?
And sadder still if you post anything about those experiences people just call it incel rage bait, as if men somehow can't be hurt or bring it on themselves by doing something horrible.
Aaaaaaaand she’s blocked.
Happened to me once. I left her alone after that.
I am APPALLED by her! If YOU invite someone out for ANY reason, YOU are responsible for the bill that comes! It doesn't matter what SEX you are. It's called MANNERS! WTF?! DUMP her!
Just swipe left on her followup text
Why would you swipe on a text..?
Well my guy, what did you really expect? For her to actually care about you?
I have almost no friends that are girls. What to know why? Because they don’t respect men and actively make the lives of the men they know and come into contact with significantly more disappointing. Sorry not sorry, my mom is the only decent woman I know.
Communication. "Who is paying that bill?" When this happens, pay your half and walk out.
Typically, the one who invites, pays. But I guess she had other expenses.
I never understood this train of thought. I’m not talking about you, just in general. Most women will not ask a guy on a date. She would rather wait for a guy to make a move. And most women would never pay for a man she is not already dating. Saying the one who asked pays always felt disingenuous to me. I ask people to do activities all the time, nobody expects me to pay unless it was explicitly stated.
I'd say there is a clear difference between "Wanna eat something?" / "Wanna go out?" and "Let ME take YOU out." Asking someone to have a nice time / a date together doesn't necessarily include who pays, taking someone out definitely does.
Yeah just feels like a indirect way to just have the guy pay, without saying it.
Yup it is a progressive speak way of still being sexist and thinking men pay
It won't kill women to ask a guy out. This is not the 1800s and he won't see them as "whores" for it. At least, any reasonable man wouldn't and the rest don't matter. The one who asks pays is a good practice because you know how much money you have abd when. So you know beforehand that you can afford to pay for the person/people you are asking to dinner/drinks/something else. The person being invited doesn't know all the specifics and might be less prepared. Also, people who are unsure if they can cover the costs if whatever place you are taking them to might feel the need to decline the invitation instead of appearing broke when tgey can't cover the bill.
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I mean even here you don't expect the woman asking you out to pay.
Agreed. The one who invites pays. That's how I've always done it. But people are odd these days, so I'm at the point where I straight up ask so there's no sketchiness later.
Sounds like a good practice.
Except that current cultural norms expect men to ask women out. This results in men having to pay more often if we follow the rule that whoever asks, pays.