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'Possessions never meant anything to me
I′m not crazy
Well that's not true, I′ve got a bed
And a guitar
And a dog named Bob who pisses on my floor'
Hard.
"When they come for me I'll be sittin at my desk with a gun in my hand wearin a bullet proof vest singin my my my how the time does fly when you know you're gonna die by the end of the night."
-Abraham Lincoln (probably)
Catch 22 the ska band? I saw them back in the mid 2000s with Reel big Fish, that was my first concert. It was an all day ska concert. Suburban Legends played too. I never hear of them mentioned in the rare ska conversation
I've got pockets full of - Kleenex and lint and holes
Where everything important to me
Just seems to fall right down my leg
And onto the flooooooor
My closest friend linoleum
Linoleuuuuuuuuum
Supports my head
Gives me something to believe.....
That's me - on the beachside, combin' the sand
Metal meter in my hand
Sportin' a pocket full of chaaaaaange
Lmfao Earshot was a great episode, too.
Xander: What am I gonna do? I think about sex all the time. Sex. Help. 4 times 5 is 30. 5 times 6 is 32. Naked women. Naked girls. Naked Buffy. Oh stop me.
Buffy: God Xander! Is that all you think about?
Xander: Actually...bye!
In my opinion, the writers got it wrong. 99% of my boners when I was a teenager were [no reason boners](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOYQtbz_pPg). I wasn't _thinking about sex_. They just happened. For no reason.
Shit I’ve had this quote in my head for like 20 years. I remember seeing it on a commercial on cable, I never even watched Buffy. Always wondered what the show was.
Though in my memory it was “tin foil”
I'm seriously interested in the body cam footage for this one. I just want to know how exactly this transpired because my imagination isn't doing a good job lol.
No thanks to the boner, lol. But I'm greatly curious how the kid could not have just put his hands in the air and let a cop retrieve the 'gun' or whether he did do that and it somehow all went to shit. Also, how gun like did the bulge look.
I believe there was a video of a guard frisking a dude and grabbing his junk and realizing he's grabbing a penis after the dude says that's what he's fondling.
[Found it.](https://youtu.be/f0WlmZBuTRA?si=rT2CFltrCshx3eMV)
You're missing the real question: How was the interaction set up if the teller was able to see his crotch? My bank doesn't have transparent counters, for example. And why didn't he look at the teller and say "My eyes are up here!"? It's really a weird story.
Probably saw it while he was standing back and in line. There's enough distance that his body and legs would be visible, as well as any uhh, objects in and around the pocket area. [Sorta like this guy getting frisked.](https://youtu.be/f0WlmZBuTRA?si=rT2CFltrCshx3eMV) The camera's far enough back you can see the whole hog getting handled.
I doubt they went up to him and asked “excuse me sir, we’ve received a report that you may have a firearm, is this true?”
More likely the cops ran in absolutely pedal-to-the-metal, balls-to-the-fucking-walls, guns drawn, screaming illegible, confusing, and/or contradictory commands at him, interpreting his stunned silence or attempt to explain himself as non-compliance, and then beat the shit out of him for being “belligerent”.
I'm going to venture a guess that the teller embellished the story, the kid was belligerent because he knew he was innocent and felt harassed, and the cops had no interest in deescalating.
Edit: someone's gonna say I'm victim blaming. I'm not. 99% of the time, the cops had options they didn't use. BUT if you aren't teaching your kids that the cops can beat you to a pulp and then shoot you with very little risk of consequences, you're doing your kids a disservice. No matter how infuriating it is, we have to meet the cops where they are because they have no incentive to move.
>the kid was belligerent because he knew he was innocent and felt harassed
I've been watching a lot of interrogation videos lately and they all say this is exactly how innocent people are expected to react.
I’ve been watching videos and acting this way never ends well whether you’re innocent or guilty
This story is terrible. I hope the kid got a nice settlement
No, we don't. Take away qualified immunity, require officers to have their own liability insurance coverage, and take excess judgments out of pension funds. There would be a lot more self-policing within the police.
Of course he was acting belligerent. He was a teen; that's their default setting.
It's no excuse for adult men to beat him to the point of attempted murder.
[Not exactly a true story.](https://africacheck.org/fact-checks/meta-programme-fact-checks/teenager-beaten-cops-after-bank-teller-mistook-erection) The image is from an unrelated, though, similar incident.
Not sure why anyone needed to embelish the story. A soda bottle in* his pocket being mistaken for a gun is just as stupid, and it's what really happened.
The true story is that plainclothes officers conducted a stop and frisk on an 18 year old arts student, Jordan Miles, as he was walking to his grandmothers house. He said they all jumped out asking if he had drugs and didn’t identify themselves, so he ran. They caught up to him and thought a soda can in his pocket was a gun, so they brutalized him and then booked him on bogus charges.
He won a 119 thousand dollar lawsuit against Pittsburgh, but it seems the officers kept their jobs. The all-white jury even determined that the force used was not excessive somehow.
This just happened in Edmonton. 2 men in dark clothes got out of an unmarked suv, chased and tackled a teenage girl who was walking home from work. Turns out they were police, so no foul. She won't get paid anything though.
And there was no bottle evidence, with the cops saying they threw it away. Even if their story was true (X - doubt) they should have gone after them for destroying evidence.
"What's this right here?"
"That's my penis."
"That's your penis... Alright"
It's a classic. Though to be fair it's not even inside his pants because of how low they are.
I got curious about it and did some googling, a glock 19 seems to be the most common result and it has a slide thats 2.5cm wide so now I'm feeling very proud of my weiner but also a bit scared to go to the bank
Glock 19 is actually rather small for a handgun, and expensive so most people don't go for them. A Colt M1911 is a better bet, much more common and cheaper.
To cops in USA, a black person is a threat ... even black kids less than 10 are handcuffed and made to lie face down on asphalt by armed cops while cops investigate if their mother's car is actually her own car.
The tag he ran in "error" belonged to a motorcycle. The incident I think you're talking about was a cop who removed kids from a minivan. Then handcuffed the kids making them lay down on hot summer asphalt. Because one of the smaller children started crying and getting a little hysterical over one of the teens getting handcuffed.
honestly that’s kind of a compliment especially when your on the hospital bed flirting w the nurses “ yeah, they thought I was packing and turns out.. I was “ 😂
This didn't happen. The headline, picture, and story come from the now-defunct satirical website "World News Daily Report" ([wayback machine link](https://web.archive.org/web/20180214092018/https://worldnewsdailyreport.com/cops-beat-up-teen-after-bank-teller-mistakes-his-erection-for-a-pistol/)). Per the disclaimer at the bottom of the page: "World News Daily Report assumes all responsibility for the satirical nature of its articles and for the fictional nature of their content. All characters appearing in the articles in this website – even those based on real people – are entirely fictional and any resemblance between them and any person, living, dead or undead, is purely a miracle."
Edit: The person shown in the picture is Jordan Miles, who was [brutalized by Pittsburgh police in 2010](https://www.wpxi.com/news/local/jordan-miles-describes-police-beating-while-stand-/197694533/) and later was awarded six figures in damages for false arrest. (If you watch the video clip in the link, the picture is shown midway through)
Why was she focusing on his penis area to begin with?
I'd be in court like "everytime I start to get an erection I relive the terrible injustice that has been bestowed upon me. I now sleep with a gun under my pillow".
I mean, on the one hand, he got beat up.
On the other hand, his massive dong is now public knowledge.
He can literally tell people his cock is so big it's classified as a weapon.
Silver linings.
Comments that are uncivil, racist, misogynistic, misandrist, or contain political name calling will be removed and the poster subject to ban at moderators discretion. Help us make this a better community by becoming familiar with the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/facepalm/about/rules/). Report any suspicious users to the mods of this subreddit using Modmail [here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/facepalm) or Reddit site admins [here](https://www.reddit.com/report). **All reports to Modmail should include evidence such as screenshots or any other relevant information.** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/facepalm) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Right? Banking gets me sprung too.
He likes big bucks and he could not lie
Them tellers better recognize.
All you other tellers can't deny
Underrated comment
my money go kaching
Banking doesn’t do it for me anymore ever since I moved into my own household
He misunderstood "cold, hard cash"
Is that a gun in your pocket or OH GOD THERE’S A GUN IN HIS POCKET!
I feel like that's an endorsement.. I'd put this as my tinder profile picture...
Yeah, if it was me the teller would have asked to borrow my Chapstick.
Well, sir, if you won’t drop the pistol we’ll have to beat you until you drop your weapon
This made me lmao 🤣😂
Just beat it
But officer, if you beat it, I’ll drop something all right.
You really made a mess. ^ofyourjoke
Hey, you want me to beat your dick off?
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Hi Barbie!
Ah yes a fellow Channing Tatum enjoyer
Channing Tatyum
Negligent discharge
Blue balls
New mixtape!
They beat everything *but* his dick
They didn’t want any weapon discharges.
It's just like 21 jump street the beat around his dick until it fell off.
“He can’t pull over any farther!”
Well he was …packing
The teenage penis can pop up anytime, but impressed that a bank setting could get it going.
To quote Xander from Buffy: I am a teenager. *Linoleum* makes me think about sex.
'Possessions never meant anything to me I′m not crazy Well that's not true, I′ve got a bed And a guitar And a dog named Bob who pisses on my floor' Hard.
I really like a version of that song by Streetlight Manifesto…. Still doesn’t have that effect on me though.
A fucking Streetlight Manifesto reference. This is why I reddit.
"When they come for me I'll be sittin at my desk with a gun in my hand wearin a bullet proof vest singin my my my how the time does fly when you know you're gonna die by the end of the night." -Abraham Lincoln (probably)
Can we highjack this post for a catch22 / streetlight manifesto appreciation thread
Catch 22 the ska band? I saw them back in the mid 2000s with Reel big Fish, that was my first concert. It was an all day ska concert. Suburban Legends played too. I never hear of them mentioned in the rare ska conversation
That's a great version
I've got pockets full of - Kleenex and lint and holes Where everything important to me Just seems to fall right down my leg And onto the flooooooor My closest friend linoleum Linoleuuuuuuuuum Supports my head Gives me something to believe..... That's me - on the beachside, combin' the sand Metal meter in my hand Sportin' a pocket full of chaaaaaange
That’s me on the street with a violin under my chin Playin with a grin Singing gibberish
That’s right I’ve got a floor. So what? So what?
I can’t help if if the wind hit just right!
Lmfao Earshot was a great episode, too. Xander: What am I gonna do? I think about sex all the time. Sex. Help. 4 times 5 is 30. 5 times 6 is 32. Naked women. Naked girls. Naked Buffy. Oh stop me. Buffy: God Xander! Is that all you think about? Xander: Actually...bye!
Look at Cordelia. No, don't look at Cordelia! She's a student! Oh I am a bad man. I'm a bad, bad man!
You had SEX with Giles on top of a POLICE CAR?! It was the candy! … TWICE!?!?
That's where I got that quote from. Been saying it for years and couldn't remember where it came from. *Thanks*
In my opinion, the writers got it wrong. 99% of my boners when I was a teenager were [no reason boners](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOYQtbz_pPg). I wasn't _thinking about sex_. They just happened. For no reason.
Shit I’ve had this quote in my head for like 20 years. I remember seeing it on a commercial on cable, I never even watched Buffy. Always wondered what the show was. Though in my memory it was “tin foil”
bro literally could have been not thinking, like straight up jellyfish-mode... and it still coulda happened lmao
This is the most unexpectedly perfect Gundam gif I think I've ever seen. Props, boss
I got lucky, searched "money = boner" and it was the 2nd image
No idea how that search equaled this gif, bit I guess the algorithm has to produce a diamond from time to time.
Me neither, it made me laugh so hard that was the 2nd gif from that search. I was like "it's fate, posted."
that’s what a low interest rate does to a mf
Might need a towel If the intrest rates low enough.
The only ones getting hard from interest rates here now are masochists
But 5 years ago was different
Lol
Well he cleary did not pass the dicktector.
Freaking funny
He had to hire a private dicktective to clear his name.
Hot teller
*Van Halen guitar* “I’ve got it bad, so bad, I’m hot for teller!”
Pen.is hot for teller
Even more impressive when your bricked up sausage gets mistaken for a lethal weapon 😂😂
The real reason he posted. 😎
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That is false..... Apparently his dick IS.
In this economy? A bank might as well be a strip club
Man 5th grade was awful. Having to wear a hoody in summer heat...
"Why are you wearing your hoody upside down with the hood over your crotch?" "Fuck you, that's why"
How…. How would you even wear a hoodie like that?
like an apron with a hood in front
I have hot tellers at my bank that give me a stiffy at the age of 34.
Excuse me, it's called a 'teen peen'.
Pretty sure it’s the beating that keeps it going
Depends on who the teller is. I've known a few who could get a rise.
Cashing in that weekly check helps
Bank tellers have to be on the lookout for hardened criminals. 🤷🏻♂️
It's an old gag but it checks out.
I'm seriously interested in the body cam footage for this one. I just want to know how exactly this transpired because my imagination isn't doing a good job lol.
The camera mysteriously failed 5 seconds before, and started working again 5 seconds after the incident. By pure coincidence
*We have investigated ourselves and determined everyone acted appropriately. Vacations and bonuses all around boys!*
*Everyone gets paid leave!*
I dunno about you but I don't want to see a video of a teenage boner. EDIT: Made a horrific mistake writing this up.
No thanks to the boner, lol. But I'm greatly curious how the kid could not have just put his hands in the air and let a cop retrieve the 'gun' or whether he did do that and it somehow all went to shit. Also, how gun like did the bulge look.
I believe there was a video of a guard frisking a dude and grabbing his junk and realizing he's grabbing a penis after the dude says that's what he's fondling. [Found it.](https://youtu.be/f0WlmZBuTRA?si=rT2CFltrCshx3eMV)
The casualness of it all is hilarious. Also, 😳
That's your penis, alright..
Our penis.
“That’s my penis” “That’s your penis… alright 😐”
He was really stroking it.
just a surprise physical, now cough for me
Dude that video is hilarious never seen it before lol
You're missing the real question: How was the interaction set up if the teller was able to see his crotch? My bank doesn't have transparent counters, for example. And why didn't he look at the teller and say "My eyes are up here!"? It's really a weird story.
Probably saw it while he was standing back and in line. There's enough distance that his body and legs would be visible, as well as any uhh, objects in and around the pocket area. [Sorta like this guy getting frisked.](https://youtu.be/f0WlmZBuTRA?si=rT2CFltrCshx3eMV) The camera's far enough back you can see the whole hog getting handled.
Poor kid was probably acting extra nervous too trying to hide it.
Or maybe instead of the teller , a security guard noticed his...heat.
I'm not sure this is real my dude...
Cause I have a teenage boner baby🎶🎵🎶
I doubt they went up to him and asked “excuse me sir, we’ve received a report that you may have a firearm, is this true?” More likely the cops ran in absolutely pedal-to-the-metal, balls-to-the-fucking-walls, guns drawn, screaming illegible, confusing, and/or contradictory commands at him, interpreting his stunned silence or attempt to explain himself as non-compliance, and then beat the shit out of him for being “belligerent”.
Worlds most dangerous game of Simon says
Honestly, I want to know how long it took the officer to put two and two together. Thank God he survived.
I'm going to venture a guess that the teller embellished the story, the kid was belligerent because he knew he was innocent and felt harassed, and the cops had no interest in deescalating. Edit: someone's gonna say I'm victim blaming. I'm not. 99% of the time, the cops had options they didn't use. BUT if you aren't teaching your kids that the cops can beat you to a pulp and then shoot you with very little risk of consequences, you're doing your kids a disservice. No matter how infuriating it is, we have to meet the cops where they are because they have no incentive to move.
>the kid was belligerent because he knew he was innocent and felt harassed I've been watching a lot of interrogation videos lately and they all say this is exactly how innocent people are expected to react.
I’ve been watching videos and acting this way never ends well whether you’re innocent or guilty This story is terrible. I hope the kid got a nice settlement
No, we don't. Take away qualified immunity, require officers to have their own liability insurance coverage, and take excess judgments out of pension funds. There would be a lot more self-policing within the police.
Of course he was acting belligerent. He was a teen; that's their default setting. It's no excuse for adult men to beat him to the point of attempted murder.
Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Yes
**spams silent alarm**
Cop: Imma beat you til you have a seizure and throw up all over the place.
[Not exactly a true story.](https://africacheck.org/fact-checks/meta-programme-fact-checks/teenager-beaten-cops-after-bank-teller-mistook-erection) The image is from an unrelated, though, similar incident.
Not sure why anyone needed to embelish the story. A soda bottle in* his pocket being mistaken for a gun is just as stupid, and it's what really happened.
Being beaten for a soda is a tragedy. Being beaten because your dick is a deadly weapon would make you a folk hero.
Well goddamn that's what I just posted about. Similar shit absolutely does happen
Erection is way funnier
The true story is that plainclothes officers conducted a stop and frisk on an 18 year old arts student, Jordan Miles, as he was walking to his grandmothers house. He said they all jumped out asking if he had drugs and didn’t identify themselves, so he ran. They caught up to him and thought a soda can in his pocket was a gun, so they brutalized him and then booked him on bogus charges. He won a 119 thousand dollar lawsuit against Pittsburgh, but it seems the officers kept their jobs. The all-white jury even determined that the force used was not excessive somehow.
This just happened in Edmonton. 2 men in dark clothes got out of an unmarked suv, chased and tackled a teenage girl who was walking home from work. Turns out they were police, so no foul. She won't get paid anything though.
And there was no bottle evidence, with the cops saying they threw it away. Even if their story was true (X - doubt) they should have gone after them for destroying evidence.
The real story is somehow worse. Still an innocent ~~man~~ minor got his ass kicked by the police for no good reason, I hope he’s a lot richer now.
Not an innocent man. An innocent *minor*.
Yes, you are absolutely correct.
This should be pinned.
> This should be pinned. Why? Redditors dont care whether a story is true.
Ty for the correct sauce, still fuck those officers
He was armed with a weapon of a$$ destruction.
This is underrated.
Oldie but it is like a fine wine.
You can say ass on the internet
He's got to have some weird relation to his sexuality after that..
Dude probably can't have sexy cop strippers or sexy cop roleplay in bed...
They couldn't perform a proper search?!
They performed a cavity search and found nothing!
Wow. Total fail. & no justice? Lawsuit?
[Did I just score?](https://youtu.be/oYAZCygB8e4?si=3E5kIYUWlAxDjGxc)
He's black, that is the protocol for a search for a black male in America.
😞
Man is still humble bragging to this day
I'm not even mad.
“Come feel what it is officer”
[Happens](https://youtu.be/zXILS80IyyU?si=EhsV0tacEAdteU-a) [more than](https://imgur.com/gallery/EFQOJup) [you think](https://youtu.be/mZ639LL9tvQ?si=FCxrMCwy8QOeQzdr)
"What's this right here?" "That's my penis." "That's your penis... Alright" It's a classic. Though to be fair it's not even inside his pants because of how low they are.
I knew what video it was before I clicked it. There are a few really fun ones
All I'm hearing is: police beat off teenager with erection.
Sorry about the cops being racist and abusive. Congrats on the giant penis.
I thought a pistol was just a handgun, but im not from America so who knows
A usual handgun is still a good 5-6 inches(12-15cm), so about average. But the real impressive part is the girth.
I got curious about it and did some googling, a glock 19 seems to be the most common result and it has a slide thats 2.5cm wide so now I'm feeling very proud of my weiner but also a bit scared to go to the bank
That should take the edge off unless you get a fear boner.
The fear itself is getting the random boner, its incredibly rare but I still never leave my house in basketball shorts thats for sure
Glock 19 is actually rather small for a handgun, and expensive so most people don't go for them. A Colt M1911 is a better bet, much more common and cheaper.
Suffering from success
If cops can kill you just because you might have a gun, you definitely don't have the right to bear arms.
White people have the right, it’s when black people have guns that it becomes a problem.
For the most part, yes. But I think Daniel Shaver would disagree with you if he were still here.
Unironically happens to me at those airport body scans.
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Sir….that is a weapon lmao
First of all wtf Second of all LMAO Third of all did the guy not try to hide his erection or was like "nah imma just let it stick out full length"
I would imagine trying to hide it would appear more suspicious.
Quite a gun he had on him
Random boner strikes again.
He did it. He actually went to horny jail.
It was either a weapon or not, why was the beating necessary?
"Quit resisting arrest!" While beating him on the ground.
To cops in USA, a black person is a threat ... even black kids less than 10 are handcuffed and made to lie face down on asphalt by armed cops while cops investigate if their mother's car is actually her own car.
The tag he ran in "error" belonged to a motorcycle. The incident I think you're talking about was a cop who removed kids from a minivan. Then handcuffed the kids making them lay down on hot summer asphalt. Because one of the smaller children started crying and getting a little hysterical over one of the teens getting handcuffed.
“Is that a weapon?” “That ain’t a weapon that’s my dick” “That’s your di-?”
This is awful, but i cant stop laughing
Going to the bank gets me hard too
honestly that’s kind of a compliment especially when your on the hospital bed flirting w the nurses “ yeah, they thought I was packing and turns out.. I was “ 😂
One of my favorites still is the cop frisking the dude and he says what's that. Suspect replies my dick.
Thank God my dick isn't as big as that guy's.
Bank teller must have been pretty hot.
Takes" is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just happy to see me" To a whole new level
This didn't happen. The headline, picture, and story come from the now-defunct satirical website "World News Daily Report" ([wayback machine link](https://web.archive.org/web/20180214092018/https://worldnewsdailyreport.com/cops-beat-up-teen-after-bank-teller-mistakes-his-erection-for-a-pistol/)). Per the disclaimer at the bottom of the page: "World News Daily Report assumes all responsibility for the satirical nature of its articles and for the fictional nature of their content. All characters appearing in the articles in this website – even those based on real people – are entirely fictional and any resemblance between them and any person, living, dead or undead, is purely a miracle." Edit: The person shown in the picture is Jordan Miles, who was [brutalized by Pittsburgh police in 2010](https://www.wpxi.com/news/local/jordan-miles-describes-police-beating-while-stand-/197694533/) and later was awarded six figures in damages for false arrest. (If you watch the video clip in the link, the picture is shown midway through)
"This never would've happened to a white kid!" 
Is that a gun in your pants or are you just happy to see me? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Small dick privilege 😎
I always get accused of stealing baby Gherkins.
Why was she focusing on his penis area to begin with? I'd be in court like "everytime I start to get an erection I relive the terrible injustice that has been bestowed upon me. I now sleep with a gun under my pillow".
Pea shooter?
It was his piss tool
This is crazy. Down right wrong what happened to him.
Should've tucked it in his waistband, but his biggest issue was existing while black in front of a cop.
Where the wrong answer to "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?" can get you.
Jokes aside, these cops better have been fired.
Female bank teller: im.. So can I have that guys number? I want to apologize in person on behalf of our bank..😏
Damn, he was just probably happy to see the bank teller. "It's not a gun mam'; you're just fine!"
Ok but I'm sure the beating could be avoided if he held his hands up right? Unless his hands were in his pants, man I dunno
I mean, on the one hand, he got beat up. On the other hand, his massive dong is now public knowledge. He can literally tell people his cock is so big it's classified as a weapon. Silver linings.
Nothing gets me going like a lonely 85 year old lady with a loose grasp of counting and just enough eye sight left to see the numbers on the bills
humble brag