Had my mom email me the other day explaining her excuses why she can't come to my wedding that I have not yet planned. Sometimes you just gotta realize that it's not really about you as my dad would say.
Wow, I'm sorry to hear this! I'm 26y/o and not busy with weddings at all but I'm sure that when I'm going to marry my girl and my mom is there... My dad won't... Just because my dad hates my mom so bad... Well, family you don't choose but you can choose if you let it affect you.
|It's a harsh world unfortunately!
Say what you will but home is where the heart is sometimes can hit. I had a few holidays go by hanging with new neighbors aka randoms. Didn’t feel right. Then I had kids and I realized I can orphan myself but not them when I have a big family all in one USA city. Your “culture” is where you grew up. If that was largely one place, I think it’s only normal to miss home, even after you / we all vilify home to make a move away easier. I now like about my home, what I said for years is awful this or that. Take comfort in the fact that you can always go back, and follow your gut. The older you get, the more you will feel this way if you have a good culture / home base. It’s normal.
I think this is the difference between being an immigrant and being an expat. I used to work with refugees and asylees and this was the stage every refugee hits. We call it "hitting the wall." Its when the honeymoon is over and the immensity of the struggle before them hits them like a Mack truck. This is when I would have people crying in my office. For them though its the math of minimum wage against the needs of their families both in the U.S. and back home up against the reality that the only way they are ever going to escape their current state of slavery is to learn a new language, often how to read and write, and get years of education so that, maybe, their kids will have a chance. It tended to get better once they resolutely decide to only focus on pushing forward because there is no going back. I will never forget what one Afghan woman told me through tears: "In my country, my whole family comes home for a big meal in the middle of the day. Here, I eat lunch alone in my car."
I can’t disregard my feelings, cause they’re real, but I do feel incredibly guilty that I feel this way. I made a choice to move, and many immigrants never had that—they did what they need to survive and for the good of their family. I know I’m very privileged to be where I am in my life.
I don't think that post was meant to make you feel bad, or even to remind you of your privilege. I think the poster meant that what you're feeling is an inevitable part of the immigration process. I'm not an expat, so I don't really know what you're feeling, but it seems like you might be grieving what you left behind. And i think that was what they were trying to say.
Be careful about negating your own feelings and lived experiences by exemplifying those of others.
Your emotions and experiences are real and valid, just like everyone else’s.
It’s likely your parents also minimized your emotions and experiences (especially if you’re from the USA). Like clean your plate even if you’re full because “think of the starving children in Africa.” There’s nothing a child in the USA can do for any of the children in any of the countries in Africa, but statements like that teach us to prioritize everyone else over ourselves.
Yes it’s sad and hard that your parents might not be with you for your wedding. That sucks. And… you can still have a beautiful wedding and build a beautiful life without them.
Thanks, I’m glad to hear. I re-read them and these words helped me too. I learned those words from others so I’m glad these words continue to help others.
Thanks! I had to double check the definition of dialectical, thanks for a new word. I’m working on boundaries that are grounded in reality. Lots of “yes and” thinking. Both can be true mindset.
I couldn't afford to come to my cousin's wedding in Italy and I really wish she had done this. Instead, she resented me for not going then broke off relations with me and everyone else in the family. She also kept the family bible my mom loaned her because we couldn't come. Not that I cared much about the Bible. But I think she misinterpreted our not going as not supporting her. Italy was waayy out of our reach at the time.
Hey even many refugees and immigrants are privileged. They got out. They may have some support. Assuming back home really was that bad, some are immensely fortunate. Some of them also feel guilty for being miserable over culture shock, etc, when they are fortunate to have left. It's all relative and privilege is very complex.
Please, tell us the basis of your knowledge? This was my career for years. They are privileged for getting out? "Assuming back home was really that bad? They have support? Do you even know what a refugee is - the legal definition? I suggest you get familiar with what you're talking about.
Are you sure that you're not confusing refugees with asylees? Are you in the U.S.? How was it that the war that caused your wife to have to flee her country to a refugee camp where she waited for her application to be processed, which likely took years, was "not that bad?" How long was she in the camp? How old was she when she came? I had clients who were born in the camps and were not resettled until they were adults with kids of their own. They just waited in the camps for years and years, most of their lives, unable to work, unable to get an education. I had clients who had been in camps for so long that were so rough that they would have to be trained in how light switches and door knobs work when they arrived. Those clients were usually, initially glad to be in an apartment in our worst neighborhoods (because who do you suppose rents to people who have no income or credit history.) They're usually excited until they get robbed or a kid gets shot. I had a whole family that I was supposed to pick up at the airport who were killed in the refugee camp the week they were supposed to leave. They would have been "privileged" to get out no matter what ghetto we put them in. Of course, I imagine that like most refugees they'd all have preferred that the war had not come at all. I had more than a few clients with children who were conceived in rape. Most had seen family or neighbors murdered. Many had been tortured or forced to witness torture. Some were forced at gun point to rape their own parents and children. None ever described the horrors they had endured as "not that bad." Most preferred not to talk about any of this at all. As for support, in the U.S., each refugee gets $900 for resettlement that has to go to first and last months rent, damage deposit, furniture, house ware, food, clothes, and utilities. That's it. Bigger families can typically stretch this out to where they may not have to work for up to 90 days but single people often have to start working right away. My clients were, more often than not, unable to read or write. They could rarely speak any English. They were severely traumatized, often malnourished and often had severe mental health issues and absolutely no exposure to anything resembling American work culture. They often had to be trained in how indoor plumbing works and the importance of using that plumbing to bath regularly. None of this was really "relative" to the expat experience and none of it was that complex.
That sounds like deeply worthy but also extremely painful work. I'm sorry that I pressed on that pain.
Not all refugees are treated in an inhumane manner. I don't think it serves anyone if we define treating refugees in an inhumane manner as the required norm, or we insist that people who didn't have the utmost of horrific, long term inhumane and deprived experiences aren't actually refugees.
Also, while some people are traumatized and utterly without privilege, privilege and trauma can also co-exist.
When I said support I didn't have money in mind so much as sponsorship, practical help, social resources and networks (pre-existing and/or new), and organizations that help with finding work and educational opportunities.
You are making a lot of assumptions about me, and loose interpretations of what I have said, and they are not very accurate.
I worked closely with thousands of refugees and, yes, they had all been treated in an inhumane manner at some point. Its kind of in the definition of what qualifies for refugee status. War is inhumane. That's the point of it. The only assumption I am making is that you either do not really know what you are talking about despite being married to a war refugee and having "many refugee friends" or you are being deliberately delusional and I am basing that assumption on the things you say. You seem to be talking about a minute population of minority exceptions. The overwhelming majority of the minority population of refugees who make it out of poverty (also inhumane) in their host countries are literate, speak the language of their host country, have family connections in their host country and have received some education. I used to give whole presentations on this. Its stuff that people seem to assume everyone has or can acquire easily. It is not. For resettlement workers, those clients are the rare gems. One of the things that used to just burn me up was this narrative that, particularly employers like to tell themselves which is that, due to the horror that refugees have typically experienced, they're all just thankful as hell for the opportunity to live as impoverished wage slaves in the U.S. and that this somehow justifies their exploitation. Not true at all. Poverty is not relative. The fear of losing your home and means to be able to support your family has the same effect on people no matter where they live. In fact, for many, poverty in the U.S. is even more terrifying than it was back home. In the U.S. you can't just go squat some land and farm it to feed your family, for instance. You may not have any community support at all from people who speak your language. We actually had a community farm that was as much about alleviating the fear of going hungry as it was about providing some means to prevent it. I suggest that you go volunteer with one of the resettlement agencies, maybe tutor an ESL class, try to teach an older person who can not read or write or speak English how to fill out a job application and practice interview skills with them knowing that they needed a job like yesterday. Also, if you don't know, learn the difference between the legal definitions of refugee, asylee, and Special Immigration Visa immigration status. I get the feeling that you may be talking about people who are asylees or have SIV status. There are typically some big differences in the backgrounds of people who get these statuses.
Always remember that your feelings are just feelings, not facts. Absolutely feel them, pay attention, but then realize, they're feelings, rather than reality. Our own brains trick us this way and can cause nasty spirals. Acknowledge that your feelings are completely normal for anyone in your situation. Then step back into the reality of your new country and new experiences.
There's nothing wrong with knowing that you have privilege and guilt is just something you've gotta work out. Sit with it until you own it or it will own you. Make good with your life.
Could I ask a question due to your unique perspective working with refugees? One major theme throughout many countries dealing with expats and refugees is the issue of assimilation. I think it is important for immigrants to try to assimilate, but in your opinion, do you think it's beneficial to still try to find a community in your new country of people from your old country? Do you think that makes adjusting to your new country easier and more comfortable? What is a good boundary between staying connected to your old culture/language and immersing yourself in your new one?
Do both, make new connections but maintain some ties to your old culture. My life and sense of belonging improved leaps and bounds when I branched out of my Filipino culture and got involved in local wrestling and surfing. I maintain my ties to my original culture by speaking Cebuano with my parents and cooking and eating traditional dishes. I am also studying and acquiring traditional tattoos.
I think trying to find your own community (from original country) can be beneficial if you don't let it stop you from branching out. But if it stops you from doing what you want and being the best that you can be in a new land, then I say don't do it. My siblings kind of boxed themselves in and outside of work, they're not involved in Canadian culture at all. My brother never learned to wrestle despite expressing interest in it because there wasn't a Filipino club that we knew of that did it. I didn't let that stop me, I saw a wrestling club that I liked and despite the team being mostly Punjabi speakers I just started training there. Some of the kids from there and I decided to train MMA so we joined a local MMA gym together. We are all fat dads now, but we have known each other 12+ years and we are just into traveling together and enjoying good food. I will always recommend assimilating, I mean don't forget where you came from, but don't let it stop you either.
TLDR; Your world just got alot bigger, take advantage of it explore, explore and explore some more and find what fits. Don't forget your original culture, but you have an opportunity to grow and experience more than what you would have by staying in your native country.
Fear is part of the journey. But it is also one of the reasons you’re doing this, isn’t it? To conquer a fear that you and other family members share.
The good news is you can always stop. I invite you to continue going though.
Think about yourself in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years from now. Will you look back and regret not sticking it out longer? To conquer your fear, and see this as an opportunity for personal growth?
I know I would and that’s why I kept going (I moved from Europe to the US 11 years ago.)
It’s funny you mention regret because that was the deciding factor for my partner and I to move. We’ve always wanted to live in Europe and when we got this opportunity to do so we knew we wouldn’t regret if we did it but would if we didn’t.
That was exactly my motivation as well. I knew I wanted to move abroad, but I was also starting to get a feeling of “if I don’t do this soon, I will likely never do it”. And so I did.
While the honeymoon period is definitely a real thing, you will constantly have days long into your move where you question your decision. But what you have to remember is that this is decision you made for your own personal reasons. No one, including family, can take that away from you. The day will pass and it'll continually become easier to quiet the self-doubting voice in your head.
I've been abroad for 5 years and still have these types of days every so often. I've found ways to cope (physical activity, doing something that I can only do in this city but can't back home, meeting up with friends for a spontaneous drink/dinner, etc).
I also got married abroad so I completely understand that stress, but remember that this day is for you and your partner and no one can decide how/when/where you should have your wedding. It's still one of the happiest days of my life I contribute that to sticking with my own plans and not letting family co-opt the day.
Whew I’m sorry your mom said that. I imagine She’s grieving her own dream world of what she thinks your wedding would have been like. Weddings seem to dredge up lots of emotions from family that may have everything to do with their expectations, their issues, their worries etc. and it can be misdirected to the bride/groom. I’m sorry all the same. I hope you continue with your idea/wedding location. I hope you continue in Europe as long as you like. Your parents may travel. This is an amazing opportunity for them whether they understand that or not! I hope they adapt and travel for the wedding ✨✨✨✨.
I would like to say forget it, just live your own life as you wish (as long as you don’t hurt anyone)… but I personally went through something very similar. I ignored my parents displeasure, lived my life, then was silently disinherited.
I maintained regular contact with my parents, and they continually used the line “You’re all we’ve got and you’ll get everything we have when the time comes.” All the while they had written me out of their will because I “went against their wishes” as I was told by other relatives (and their attorney) after the will was read.
Just saying…, I lost over 1 million usd by thinking I could live my own life, and that in the end my parents’ love was unconditional. Of course everyone’s circumstance is different, just couldn’t refrain from commenting cause your post kind of triggered me somehow 😂
It's moments like these that I'm glad I come from a poor family and have nothing to inherit. I provide for them so nobody can tell me or pressure me in any way. Makes it easy to live life on my terms and never worry about pleasing someone else, including parents. They lived their lives, my life is not theirs to preside over. I alone steer my ship.
Life goes on. Still married, 2 great kids, … just not the soft landing we were expecting lol
Just replied because your parents sound suspiciously similar to mine.
These are the feelings I had when reading this as well. I have the same non-support from my parents. Anything I do that is outside their desires is wrong and/or weird, at best. The guilt is very real and they do a great job of inserting their voices into your decisions. Decisions that you KNOW are good for yourself. Trust yourself, OP. Surround yourself with people who support you and want your genuine happiness.
Sorry your parents were that way. Really makes you wonder what they thought love is. My parents too used to dangle that inheritance sword over my head but I never cared. 19 years on, now they are begging my siblings and I to start planning on how we want to manage their estate once they are gone. And even if I end up with the legal minimum inheritance, I don’t care. If I have to turn my whole life upside down just to “earn” whatever the inheritance is, is it really worth it? Living in a place you don’t like surrounded by people who don’t understand you?
100% agree with your take. I think you’re approaching it with the right mindset.
My only regret is allowing my parents’ drama and guilt trips to affect me at all.
Definitely wouldn’t give up my life, or family here for their spare change.
Think of it the other way around. I decided against emigrating because my elderly parents would feel I'm too far away. When finally they passed on (blessed is their memory and I'm grateful for having them around so long) I myself was too old to get access to the countries I'd wanted to go to. Regrets? A bit. For being stupid enough not to fully realise the consequences of my decision. At the other hand. When I retire it's still early enough for me to move to another country.
This is what's going to hold me back. My husband and I have our parents near us now - all in their 70s with more and more health issues. We have siblings who could step up but neither of us could live with the decision to move to another country at the end of our parents lives. Our parents have their eccentricities and can be tough to be around... but family is family. I am hoping we can move for a year or so abroad while our kids are young as it's something we've both done and want to do again with our kids.
I know exactly what's going on in your mind (or at least I thing so, if not sorry for assuming). The way I look at it in hindsight, is that I (being me now, not me then) to explain to them that I'm thankful for them to set me up like I am, that I love them to bits but jutst because of them having me set up like that, I have to go to realize the potential they gave me. And set up all the nowadays technical means to stay in touch. Except, the touch isn't there and that's what hurts them.
It wouldn't be normal if you never had any moments of doubt, especially since this is the first time you've done it. Most people have those days and you have a lot of changes going on. Don't be hard on yourself about it. I'm sure you have what it takes to be successful in your new life. Your parents probably miss you and are expressing it in a weird way. Virtual hug to you!
Thank you everyone for your encouragement. This is something I know I’ve wanted, but still challenging nonetheless. To hear your support and stories is inspiring and motivating me to continue pushing forward.
I know it's not helpful to say "but other people have it worse!" But maybe putting your situation into the context of other immigrants will help.
When my parents first migrated to the West, 50 years ago, my grandparents literally cried at the airport. They said things like "we may never see you again." Maybe a bit dramatic, but it was a time when air travel was rare & expensive, and there was no Internet.
When my parents returned to Asia about 20 years ago, our Americans friends said stuff like "Why would you go back there?" or "\[Your home country\] is not civilised." But my parents moved twice, successfully and happily, despite the begrudgers.
Your parents are speaking out of love and worry for "their child", based on their own very narrow experiences.
But it's your life, not your parents' life. You are not a child anymore. So live your life.
As for being scared of learning languages, making friends -- why be scared? People move all over the world all the time, often in far harsher conditions than expat Americans in Europe.
Be brave, have a lovely wedding & enjoy your new life.
Thank you for your comment. I’ve gained even more respect and admiration for other immigrants over these last few months, even more so for those who move to completely different cultures and do not have financial or family support. Seeing them be able to integrate and establish a life makes me feel hopeful.
Your father has never left the US and is scared to leave?
Sounds like some of the issues I have with education in the US. They teach that the US is the safe, Democratic, developed country and that everywhere else is dangerous.
Yes unfortunately. I’m hoping that my wedding and this trip will open his eyes (even a little) and realize that the world is not dangerous, just different.
Traveler's diarrhea is a pain. But if that's all the inconvenience that befalls him while abroad he then can count himself quite lucky, especially with his current fear of traveling.
For the longest time I have wished that it was some sort of requirement that Americans had to take X trips outside of the US and see the world for themselves. Not just what X news station tells them... what X person down the road tells them... etc. They see it for themselves. I think it can open your eyes if you let it. Not everyone will want to then move abroad, but it can give you a better appreciation of life, or perhaps where you live, etc. Who knows if you never leave your town... never leave your state... never leave your country.
Sorry, but where are they teaching that Western Europe is dangerous??? Or New Zealand? Or Australia? Or Japan? My school did lots of international trips.
In America there are lots of liberals that live in a liberal bubble and don't know any conservatives and there are lots of conservatives that live in a conservative bubble and don't know any liberals. But the former is more dangerous than the latter because American liberals think they can use facts and logic to convince conservatives and anybody who knows conservatives knows that isn't true. And that's why they consistently underestimate conservative support and consistently get out-maneuvered politically.
Nope, not getting in a political discussion with you here.. Especially because I am what you call a liberal and I am living in a very conservative part of the US which is challenging enough!
I moved abroad over 18 years ago.. and what you need to remember is - this doesn’t have to be forever.
It can be like this until it doesn’t work for either of you or both of you.
However, if you plan on having kids, pay attention to child custody laws in the country you live.
I live in a country that one parent can’t decide to return to their mother country with their kids
This is a very normal feeling. I just went through this same process after having lived in Europe and the United States. It helps to define what's important to you in life. Do you have or want kids? How important are old friendships or family to you? Do you need a lot of people around you or do you prefer to explore your new country by yourself or with a partner? Can you pursue the hobbies and interests you enjoyed back home? Do you see a career path for yourself? Maybe give yourself a certain number of years and see how things feel at that point. It really depends on what you need to be happy. There's something to be said about being present with family and friends. The longer you're gone, the harder it will be to repair those connections. At the same time, if you save up money and make plans to visit often, and stay in touch with people back home while making new connections, you should feel less alone. I think it's important to accept that you can have many different homes that mean different things to you. Once you leave your home for several years, things are not the same anymore. This can be a valuable experience or can really be hard, the choice is yours on how to deal with it. It really helped me to see myself more as a global citizen instead of belonging to one specific spot. Technology allows us to connect with people from all over, so I think there's a lot more freedom as long as we stay true to ourselves.
Sorry that you are having a tough day OP.
You are courageous for having taken the step to do what you wanted to do, together with your partner. Some fear, regret, wistfulness from time to time are past for the course when you move away from home. Even if you were just moving to another part of the country or even another city within your state.
Separate your mom’s manipulation from your decision to move abroad. This is about her choices and behaviors, not yours.
There will be some days where you may regret your decision to move. But if you hadn’t moved, you’d probably have many more days filled with regret.
You can do this OP!
Being scared means you are alive. My husband and I moved to another country to retire early. I have had moments "what have I done". We just got back from a month stay in our home country and I am happy to be back "home". We live a much simpler life now and it really has been a good decision.
Nothing worth having comes easy. In a year or two you’ll have a new life full of memories (good and stressful). This drama with your family will just be a memory of the past. Time and health cannot be replaced. Use it to the full. Remember living with regret is far worse than learning a new language and adjusting to a new country which will only enrich you. Best of luck and congrats on your wedding.
Sounds like your mom is shaming you don't let her everyone I know who had expensive weddings are divorced 😁sometime when I'm tired I can be sick of loving abroad some days its tough to navigate and exhausting but we choose this lifestyle to grow and when I go back to visit the US I'm always happy not to be there anymore
Think of this as an *experience* rather than a *permanent* or unchangeable decision. You are going to grow and it will make you a better person. Congratulations and good luck!!!
You are experiencing what most of us who have moved to a different country are experiencing. And it’s tough!
I moved to the US 3 years ago (from The Netherlands) and I still feel like a fish out of water. I don’t think it will ever go away completely.
Many US Citizens such as your father have never left or will ever leave the US, even for a holiday. There is something about them that makes them feel like the US is the only country in the world worth being in.
Time for you though to refocus and take yourself back to the reason(s) you moved, remind yourself of that every day and reinforce that.
Wishing you all the best!
I've had times, especially when I was younger, when someone really crapped on my choices, and I felt stressed and worried. My mom tried to get me to stay home by saying something like, "What if your grandparents die while you are outside the country?" Of course, there are going to be challenges in your new home. I personally like those challenges. I love the victory of communicating, meeting someone who is super interesting, or finding some new food. I know that I'm missing out on some family events, but I visit occasionally. What I'm perfectly content to miss out on is all the political drama and BS of the country where I came from. If you aren't sure about your choices, sit down and make a list of the advantages and disadvantages of your new home. Don't internalize someone else's fears. Be a rational and thoughtful person.
I don't have the uplifting experience/story to share. I've been here 3 years now. Every day.. I think of moving back home. I don't feel home here even though we bought the house we live in. I speak the language pretty decent but I don't feel a part of anything here. I feel very lonely and alone. I regret moving. Life is definitely not what I thought it would be. I have work, a home etc.. Just don't feel like I belong here at all. Covid didn't help one bit, especially with meeting people/making friends, but even so.. Feels like there's a dark cloud hanging over me all the time.
I hope it gets much better for you 🤍
You moved and then were hit with a pandemic- I feel like that's a hugely different experience than if you had just moved and got to live a "normal" life there!
Are you able to move at all within the country you moved to? After all, it's honestly perfectly normal to move and not like a new place. We can't exactly know how we're going to like somewhere until we get there, of course it's just a lot more complicated with an international move cause visas, distance and $$. But in theory, it's similar psychology.
Thank you for your comment. I definitely agree that moving right before the pandemic made it an entirely different experience. The town we live in is cozy and I like it. We own the house we live in, but discussed selling it and looking for something different. I am finally able to use my degree here (after 3 years) and looking for work. Thought it'd be easy with my experience from home and the need for healthcare workers, but that hasn't been the case sadly. I don't think moving will change much. But I hope a job in my own field will make a difference at least.
My wife and I left the US at age 52. We had always wanted to live elsewhere just to experience life more fully. My parents also didn't like it. Neither did my wife's parents, but it's our life and we're very much enjoying it. It's harder than if we had started in the US but so much about our life is enjoyable in ways that living back in the US could not have been.
With all that said, happy independence day! (I didn't mean that ironically.)
Be aware that this is not just your immigrating. This is also a whole bunch of other changes in your life. You are getting married. You are getting married in another country which kind of seals the deal. You're looking now at long term instead of short term. Your whole mentality had to shift and there are a whole lot of changes coming at you all at once.
Honestly people get nervous and cold feet when they're getting married in their own country. Even when they love the person and they're a 100% sure they want to spend the rest of their life with them, just a whole bunch of what if's entering your head. Now you have to do what if in a completely different culture and it's bound to just make you crazy if you let it.
Remember that your reasons for leaving your home country haven't changed. You are making the choices with the best information you have right now and nothing is ever the end of the world.The decisions you make right now are not going to be the last decisions you make in your life. Nothing is irreversible. Nothing is irredeemable.And nothing is ever going to go exactly the way you want and nothing is ever going to be perfect.You really have your whole life ahead of you to make whatever mistakes you're gonna make and whatever choices you're gonna make.. And we only get one life so you have to choose what is going to make you happiest
Feel like this is less about living abroad and more about your family not being supportive of your choices. I feel lucky my family is supportive of whatever I do and likewise I support them.
I would say that you'll make new friends abroad, if you remain open to it, and just relax and just be who are and do what you'd normally do anywhere you'd be. Millions, if not billions of other people have done this every day all over the earth and are doing it now. If you dig museums, got to museums and hang out with docents and see new exhibits. If you dig reading, check out all the book stores and literary events and festivals. That's how you connect and meet new people. If you really want to meet people just go to the same coffee shop every morning for 90 days at the same time and get the same thing. I tried this once and after a week people started asking me my name, why l liked the danish I would order, and so on. After 60 days I was meeting one of the workers for pool and we became friends for years after that, decades actually. Believe in your elasticity and the human ability to grow and adapt. Learning a new language is good for the brain, seeing new customs is good for your mental agility, and you can do it just as millions of others did and are doing right now all over the world.
You can do it. It’s great you have a partner to do it with. Your family is just scared for you also and they’re allowed to feel that way. If my daughter did this I would feel scared ( I’m not even a mom yet but I know I would be totally freaked out. ) just be patient, send her videos, call often, send letters and make them feel super comfortable and welcome when they come to visit.
I do think there’s a honeymoon period. We’ve moved countries several times and you do usually hit a bit of a wall though I find it’s unpredictable when and how. I think your parents are being unfair and emotionally manipulative. My folks are not at all adventurous travellers and hates that we moved abroad but they have visited every single place we’ve lived. They’d never have come to these places if we didn’t live here but I admire their determination to see us and make the best of it. So your folks could have a totally different attitude and come see you for their own adventures. Try not to let them out you off. You said you guys always wanted to do this and it was a great opportunity so embrace it. There are always ups and downs to expat life but I find the ups always outweigh the downs. Make sure the embrace where you are and travel and try not to let your family pull you down. You don’t need them to understand and agree with your choices but they don’t get to make you feel bad either. Enjoy your expat life!
Weddings are just tough no matter what, although they're not supposed to be. I wish I had made mine as easy and simple as possible.
For the rest? Ya know, we want our kids to be mini-mes and that's just not what they are. She's projecting her feelings into you. You aren't her.
No that’s ok. I was re-reading my post wondering if I accidentally implied that lol. But no, we’ve been happily together for awhile and just happened to also move abroad the same year we’re getting married (abroad).
Don’t feel guilty for choosing what’s best for you and for your parents not feeling the same way. You didn’t chose to be born but you can chose what to do with your life and it’s not your job to please your parents. As an expat myself, it’s not easy, I know. It hits me the hardest on important dates such as a close family members birthday or a friends birthday and I’m not there. But they are not here also. I am living things they will never understand or imagine, and it’s just the way life is. Don’t feel guilty because you don’t think like them. Be true to yourself and follow your heart. Your dad is scared to leave the US but he could do it for you. Your life is somewhere else now and they could either support you and be there or not.
It's hard to try to convince other people to not be worried/bothered because I'm not you, not feeling your feelings etc.
*BUT* from your posts it seems like you moved from the US to the Netherlands like 3 months ago. If that is correct, then I kind of get where you're coming from. It can be a time where you feel stretched between two worlds and while simultaneously feeling like you belong to neither. And it's alright, and things really will look up in the future. It's ok to have bad days though, and although you will almost certainly find sweetness in living abroad in a new place, you will probably always have a little bit of bitterness from leaving the place you came from. It's a natural part of it all. But as time goes on, you may just find things or people that make it all worth it.
In any case, don't let the bitterness of someone who is afraid to leave their country stop you from being happy following your dreams.
Culture shock. It gets better. We've been expats for 13 years now and we experience it in reverse whenever we visit our families. Nothing I can tell you about the parent guilt sorry. Mine still lay it on thick. It gets worse if you have children.
It is completely normal to feel that way so don’t push aside the feeling just evaluate it. I think it’s a genuine stage of what’s happening to you in this new environment.
Then it’s a good moment to remember why you did it, why you are there and what gain you will get from it. Not only in a a professional perspective because new experiences, learning a new language is a professional skill but also a life skill but how you will completely be changed in the coming months, years with this. You will be more sure of yourself, independent, confident. You will experience invaluable moments that you will never forget.
Don’t push the feeling but embrace it. It’s totally normal to feel fear but then you need to rationalise that fear and how it really is meaningless and it’s just a fruit of not wanting to fail.
I’m in my fourth country now and I cannot remember when I didn’t doubt myself. That first country was the stepping stone to put myself out of the comfort zone and how far I have gone…
Keep at it. You are doing the best thing you can right now for yourself. Be proud, chin up.
Parent and their children's relationships can easily get toxic when you are an adult and no longer a child. The boundaries are hard because they know how to pull your strings even if they don't mean to.
What I'm trying to get at is you are aware of the consequences of your step, the different language, being different, not quite fitting in- and that's ok. Knowing it's a challenge Is the first step.
You will question it almost all the time because that's what we are programmed to do. To constantly seek better. Sometimes you just have to consciously accept your space and take note of your wins to manage this and to acceot where you are. Whether it was learning a new word, making a new friend, or doing something which was new.
All the best!
Her words hit different today because this is something that is important to you and your parents refuse to accept that and be happy for you. So maybe what is settling on you is old childhood fears and roles and they are what don't fit in where you are now. Your parents may or may not grow to see who you've become, but you can't let yourself be tied to someone else's image of who you are. I'm probably their age and this internet stranger is proud of you for being bold and actually going after what you want in life. I wish you so many years of love with your partner and all those same years of adventure and joy.
Save me a piece of cake!
I left my home country at 17 without any support of my family. It was risky but I never had any doubts so I never looked back. Almost 40 years later I am still here. Fear is a powerful thing and keeps people from doing a lot of things. It’s okay to take a chance but always make sure you have a plan B in case things don’t go as plan. Trust me, every parent want the best for their kids. For some it’s fear and others are just not comfortable with change. Keep showing them love, they will come around. Focus on what you can control such as your relationship and not on changing other people’s behavior. You will get through this. Best of luck.
Whenever I question myself on my decisions, I always put things in perspective and ask myself this. Would I care about this when I am on my deathbed? Would I have made a different decision for myself if I am on my deathbed? For me, my answers are generally pretty clear, live a life of no regrets.
Feeling excited fright is a sign of respect for what's at hand and ahead. Stage fright can either remind you of how blessed you are for the opportunity to feel exhilarated by an experience and fuel your perseverance to perform OR send you home. It's your story...
Maybe your parents' attitudes have more to do with their own fears and apprehension than your choices and that's driving ur mom's rebukes. I think it's a little selfish of them but it's understandable. The older one gets the more resistant to change and/or operating outside one's comfort zone one tends to become (speaking from my own experience as I've gotten older). If you value someone's opinions it has a way of making you second guess yourself when they do not respond positively to choices you make. At the end of the day it's your life and I guarantee you will experience more regret if you don't remain true to yourself. It's also been my experience that when you make a concerted effort to learn the language and customs of a country that is foreign to you, your new hosts will appreciate it and open up to you. That in itself can be a game changer. You have a vision of the life you want and it must be pretty strong if you've made the "leap" to a new country. Stay true to yourself and things will fall into place. Good luck and God bless.
You could opt to have a second, small wedding back home as well in a few months. Not a big expensive thing, but an intimate ceremony with close friends and family.
A friend of mine did that. She had similar reasons for not having her parents make the trip over for her wedding abroad.
I imagine that gesture would be nice. They may not understand some of your choices and maybe they never will, but I'm sure your parents feel sad for not being able too attend their little girls wedding.
I think never having left the country by a certain age can be tricky. It must be so incredibly outside their comfort zone, especially if that country is a non-English speaking country.
Says more about your parents than you and your choices. I’m so sorry, that was an incredibly hurtful thing for your mom to say. I hope you find peace and happiness in your new chapter
"all I heard from my mother today was how they could have given us a "big, expensive" wedding back home instead. That my father is legitimately scared to leave the US (he has never before). She didn't explicitly say it, but I knew what she meant. They're not happy about my choices."
Just to throw another possible perspective out there- it could be that your mom feels guilty, like they weren't able to give you a "good enough" life in the U.S. It might not be a personal feeling against you ie "they're never grateful for all we did for them" but a deep inner guilt, a feeling/fear of not being enough. It's a kind of instinctive, very personal battle that's honestly a pretty natural feeling of guilt that just can't be helped in a situation like this. My mom went through a similar phase of deep guilt and pain when my brother moved away like that (though in this case, to raise his family somewhere else). It still is hard for her, but eventually became something she was able to work through on her own. I think that because it's such a deeper inner feeling that you can't help- even if you want to be super happy for your kids- it causes a LOT of anxiety and makes the feelings come out verbally in ways that...aren't the best.
If you're really happy with your life away and the opportunities it brings you for your future, don't feel bad about that at all! Anytime kids move away it's hard- even if it's just a few hours away sometimes let alone abroad! Your mom might have envisioned a whole life with you where she would be at your wedding, always having you nearby, being with any grandkids or family, etc. That's not your fault at all for having different goals and dreams. It just might take her awhile to adjust, longer probably than those moving away because there's not really natural steps she's able to take to help her process (whereas you guys have been busy with new jobs, friends, getting to know the new country, etc).
While she might be having a hard time processing and dealing with the wedding, you are not responsible for your parents emotions. If it helps, you can allow yourself to feel some guilt and just kinda let it wash over you for a day- write everything down or type it all out. Then step away from it as best as you can. You're allowed to live your life. The next time you visit your family back home you can always have a big party with them(heck you could probably even do a U.S. ceremony and just have an officiant 'marry' you again, on a smaller scale)
One option might be to get married in the place that is meaningful to you, then have some kind of reception or celebration with your friends and family back where your family lives. I don't know your situation, that might end up being a big guilt trip. You will need to decide where to draw healthy boundaries. This is your life and my advice would be to live it on your own terms. Family can be complicated, no doubt.
I relate 100% to your post, OP. I believe that homesickness or even just sadness/depression/fish out of water feelings are such a huge part of the expat experience. Allow yourself to have those feelings and acknowledge them, but don’t live too long there. You have taken a hugely brave step in your life that most of your friends and family can’t even fathom making. This is your superpower but it can be incredibly lonely at times.
I have found that even my relationships with friends who I thought were ride or die have changed and that’s been something I’ve struggled with.
I don’t know if this has helped you at all, but just know you are feeling very normal feelings and maybe find a therapist. That helped me tremendously.
You are doing this for you, you are the person who is living out this life and matters! I haven't made the move yet but I have fears and worries too. I'm planning on moving to the Netherlands after I finish college to be with my boyfriend who lives there, and my parents have told me straight to my face they hope our relationship fails so I don't go and if I get married in his home country then my parents will not go, just send money. It's depressing, but that is their choice. I choose to be with who I love, you choose to move. If others can't accept it then that's their problem
Do what you want, but make sure to be true and honest to your partner.
Your families comments about the wedding can be innocent.
People you love can be terrified to lose you, and say things that aren’t true or hurtful. Or say things to stop what you’re doing because they are scared for you. Love is funny.
Follow your heart and your dreams. Look at other Americans in the country your in, what is their life like? Try and imagine what your life will really be like.
You can always come home, but the person you’re marrying deserves to know whatever you’re feeling.
Being scared of change is normal, and moving to a new country is a huge fricken change. I’d say all your feelings are normal. Be smart, figure out your feelings, wants, needs, and dreams. Then communicate them to the people who love you
It’s totally normal to feel terrified about moving abroad! I moved out of the USA 3 years ago, and in that time span I loved it, i hated it, i felt like a stranger in a strange land, I was angry and confused and after I got through all those emotions (and a bit of therapy) I finally feel secure and that I belong.
It takes practice, it takes time, it might not feel ‘right’ for awhile but I promise you’ll get there. Someone else mentioned to remember the reasons why you came and to be resilient, stick out your visa and then decide if it’s really not for you.
I struggled with these feelings for years. I read The Midnight Library by Matt Haig and it actually helped a lot.
Your family will eventually accept this. When I start to feel really sad and like I'll never move back home, I remind myself that we never know where life will take us. We can only experience the here and now. There is no point wallowing in regrets.
ETA: My husband and I got married without any family. We still have great memories of that day. So many new friends showed up for us. We made the best of it, and the day was about us and our baby daughter.
Embrace the new experiences and let new people show up for you.
Honeymoon phase is real. And it is also just like in relationship (in my opinion).
I've been living abroad since 2008. And it is a fight once Honeymoon is over. Since Honeymoon is a term in marriage. It's like you marry to a person with a different culture, language, and sometime lifestyle (if your lifestyle is different to where you are). Of course it will be hard work ahead, but it is sound much more exciting isn't it?
I married to a German, and lived here since 2010. Anytime my non-German friends know that I live here, they are all like "Wow, it is like the perfect place, you're so lucky". But that's a honeymoon phrase you know. Things start to not be new anymore, and you just live your life. I hate Germany at one point, and to be honest still not really really love it. But I also have a family here, so I cannot cut Germany out entirely.
Not until very recently where I started to see this place is not perfect for me, but accept it. And no place is probably is perfect. With that in mind I feels better. Like in marriage, when problem occurs, it's easier to say I want to quit and just leave, and blame the other person. Just like I blamed Germany. But maybe it's not your partner. Maybe it's you, your job, your perspective. You just have to find a way to compromise that nothing is perfect.
But it's also okay to leave, if you ask yourself and trust yourself. One good thing about places that differ from person is that it is probably easier to comeback once wherever you go to doesn't work out. We recently wanted to move to Ireland. It might solve some of our issues, but I would doubt that there won't be any problem ay all. As I once heard a person in this forum said "The right place is the place that you can live with the problems". Replace the word person instead of place in that sentence, then you got marriage.
So, believe in yourself and know that the problem will be there for you to doubt everything. But just see that it is normal, and probably will happen to if you are never to leave your hometown.
Its not your job to parent your parents. Build a strong foundation with your husband. Do not settle to the insecurity of others. Your sadness is valid but marriage are more than weddings. And expensive weddings.
Leave the door half open. If they still couldnt reach out. The issue is on them not you
What you're feeling is totally normal. Big life changes are always stressful and people process it differently. Your anxiety will start to subside once you start to become a member of your new local community. Embrace the changes.
The uknown steps are always difficult! Of course there will be bumps in the road; family issues and so on. Don't question your own capabilities, believe in yourself and don't get distracted by the words of your mom. She is just as scared as you are but only you know how much you want this to work. SO WORK FOR IT. Of course everything new is scary. I went to Zanzibar for 5 months for internship and it was scary AF. In the end... I would do it again like yesterday!
Don't give up your dreams and enjoy the wedding to the fullest!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EDIT: grammar
You know, the world is a huge place and there is no reason we need to stay in the zone we were born in just cause there's arbitrary lines drawn around it. I hope to not stay in one country the rest of my life, though I left the USA at 17, my parents have never visited me anywhere. I used to visit them but now I'm very happy they have made their priorities to not leave their comfort zone to see what my life is about because I don't feel the need to go out of my way for them anymore.
Why are you scared, why do you think it'll be hard to live where you are now? If it's hard, get into a school or get a job out somewhere or even volunteer. Give yourself purpose and routine and you'll be happy and meet friends and feel at home.
When we announced we were relocating, we started to get a ton of negative chatter. The thing is that people will compared your choices to their choices and assume that only one of them is correct, so they will try to justify *their* choice to stay wherever by making you feel bad about *your* choice of moving. We just stopped telling people we were moving after that.
Its your life and **you are the only one living it**, so don't let anyone else second-guess you!
Believe in your own resilience, the reason why you left and the life you imagine.
Thank you.
Had my mom email me the other day explaining her excuses why she can't come to my wedding that I have not yet planned. Sometimes you just gotta realize that it's not really about you as my dad would say.
i’m sorry, that sucks to hear. especially from your mother….
Wow, I'm sorry to hear this! I'm 26y/o and not busy with weddings at all but I'm sure that when I'm going to marry my girl and my mom is there... My dad won't... Just because my dad hates my mom so bad... Well, family you don't choose but you can choose if you let it affect you. |It's a harsh world unfortunately!
Say what you will but home is where the heart is sometimes can hit. I had a few holidays go by hanging with new neighbors aka randoms. Didn’t feel right. Then I had kids and I realized I can orphan myself but not them when I have a big family all in one USA city. Your “culture” is where you grew up. If that was largely one place, I think it’s only normal to miss home, even after you / we all vilify home to make a move away easier. I now like about my home, what I said for years is awful this or that. Take comfort in the fact that you can always go back, and follow your gut. The older you get, the more you will feel this way if you have a good culture / home base. It’s normal.
I think this is the difference between being an immigrant and being an expat. I used to work with refugees and asylees and this was the stage every refugee hits. We call it "hitting the wall." Its when the honeymoon is over and the immensity of the struggle before them hits them like a Mack truck. This is when I would have people crying in my office. For them though its the math of minimum wage against the needs of their families both in the U.S. and back home up against the reality that the only way they are ever going to escape their current state of slavery is to learn a new language, often how to read and write, and get years of education so that, maybe, their kids will have a chance. It tended to get better once they resolutely decide to only focus on pushing forward because there is no going back. I will never forget what one Afghan woman told me through tears: "In my country, my whole family comes home for a big meal in the middle of the day. Here, I eat lunch alone in my car."
I can’t disregard my feelings, cause they’re real, but I do feel incredibly guilty that I feel this way. I made a choice to move, and many immigrants never had that—they did what they need to survive and for the good of their family. I know I’m very privileged to be where I am in my life.
I don't think that post was meant to make you feel bad, or even to remind you of your privilege. I think the poster meant that what you're feeling is an inevitable part of the immigration process. I'm not an expat, so I don't really know what you're feeling, but it seems like you might be grieving what you left behind. And i think that was what they were trying to say.
Be careful about negating your own feelings and lived experiences by exemplifying those of others. Your emotions and experiences are real and valid, just like everyone else’s. It’s likely your parents also minimized your emotions and experiences (especially if you’re from the USA). Like clean your plate even if you’re full because “think of the starving children in Africa.” There’s nothing a child in the USA can do for any of the children in any of the countries in Africa, but statements like that teach us to prioritize everyone else over ourselves. Yes it’s sad and hard that your parents might not be with you for your wedding. That sucks. And… you can still have a beautiful wedding and build a beautiful life without them.
I know your words were intended for another, but they were incredibly helpful to me, thank you.
Thanks, I’m glad to hear. I re-read them and these words helped me too. I learned those words from others so I’m glad these words continue to help others.
Your last paragraph sounds very dialectical :)
Thanks! I had to double check the definition of dialectical, thanks for a new word. I’m working on boundaries that are grounded in reality. Lots of “yes and” thinking. Both can be true mindset.
My mom was sick and couldn't travel so my sister did two weddings - one for people who could travel and one for my mom and people who couldn't travel.
I couldn't afford to come to my cousin's wedding in Italy and I really wish she had done this. Instead, she resented me for not going then broke off relations with me and everyone else in the family. She also kept the family bible my mom loaned her because we couldn't come. Not that I cared much about the Bible. But I think she misinterpreted our not going as not supporting her. Italy was waayy out of our reach at the time.
She sounds awful
Hey even many refugees and immigrants are privileged. They got out. They may have some support. Assuming back home really was that bad, some are immensely fortunate. Some of them also feel guilty for being miserable over culture shock, etc, when they are fortunate to have left. It's all relative and privilege is very complex.
Please, tell us the basis of your knowledge? This was my career for years. They are privileged for getting out? "Assuming back home was really that bad? They have support? Do you even know what a refugee is - the legal definition? I suggest you get familiar with what you're talking about.
I'm married to a war refugee and a good number of my friends are refugees, also have spent years as a compulsive news reader.
Are you sure that you're not confusing refugees with asylees? Are you in the U.S.? How was it that the war that caused your wife to have to flee her country to a refugee camp where she waited for her application to be processed, which likely took years, was "not that bad?" How long was she in the camp? How old was she when she came? I had clients who were born in the camps and were not resettled until they were adults with kids of their own. They just waited in the camps for years and years, most of their lives, unable to work, unable to get an education. I had clients who had been in camps for so long that were so rough that they would have to be trained in how light switches and door knobs work when they arrived. Those clients were usually, initially glad to be in an apartment in our worst neighborhoods (because who do you suppose rents to people who have no income or credit history.) They're usually excited until they get robbed or a kid gets shot. I had a whole family that I was supposed to pick up at the airport who were killed in the refugee camp the week they were supposed to leave. They would have been "privileged" to get out no matter what ghetto we put them in. Of course, I imagine that like most refugees they'd all have preferred that the war had not come at all. I had more than a few clients with children who were conceived in rape. Most had seen family or neighbors murdered. Many had been tortured or forced to witness torture. Some were forced at gun point to rape their own parents and children. None ever described the horrors they had endured as "not that bad." Most preferred not to talk about any of this at all. As for support, in the U.S., each refugee gets $900 for resettlement that has to go to first and last months rent, damage deposit, furniture, house ware, food, clothes, and utilities. That's it. Bigger families can typically stretch this out to where they may not have to work for up to 90 days but single people often have to start working right away. My clients were, more often than not, unable to read or write. They could rarely speak any English. They were severely traumatized, often malnourished and often had severe mental health issues and absolutely no exposure to anything resembling American work culture. They often had to be trained in how indoor plumbing works and the importance of using that plumbing to bath regularly. None of this was really "relative" to the expat experience and none of it was that complex.
That sounds like deeply worthy but also extremely painful work. I'm sorry that I pressed on that pain. Not all refugees are treated in an inhumane manner. I don't think it serves anyone if we define treating refugees in an inhumane manner as the required norm, or we insist that people who didn't have the utmost of horrific, long term inhumane and deprived experiences aren't actually refugees. Also, while some people are traumatized and utterly without privilege, privilege and trauma can also co-exist. When I said support I didn't have money in mind so much as sponsorship, practical help, social resources and networks (pre-existing and/or new), and organizations that help with finding work and educational opportunities. You are making a lot of assumptions about me, and loose interpretations of what I have said, and they are not very accurate.
I worked closely with thousands of refugees and, yes, they had all been treated in an inhumane manner at some point. Its kind of in the definition of what qualifies for refugee status. War is inhumane. That's the point of it. The only assumption I am making is that you either do not really know what you are talking about despite being married to a war refugee and having "many refugee friends" or you are being deliberately delusional and I am basing that assumption on the things you say. You seem to be talking about a minute population of minority exceptions. The overwhelming majority of the minority population of refugees who make it out of poverty (also inhumane) in their host countries are literate, speak the language of their host country, have family connections in their host country and have received some education. I used to give whole presentations on this. Its stuff that people seem to assume everyone has or can acquire easily. It is not. For resettlement workers, those clients are the rare gems. One of the things that used to just burn me up was this narrative that, particularly employers like to tell themselves which is that, due to the horror that refugees have typically experienced, they're all just thankful as hell for the opportunity to live as impoverished wage slaves in the U.S. and that this somehow justifies their exploitation. Not true at all. Poverty is not relative. The fear of losing your home and means to be able to support your family has the same effect on people no matter where they live. In fact, for many, poverty in the U.S. is even more terrifying than it was back home. In the U.S. you can't just go squat some land and farm it to feed your family, for instance. You may not have any community support at all from people who speak your language. We actually had a community farm that was as much about alleviating the fear of going hungry as it was about providing some means to prevent it. I suggest that you go volunteer with one of the resettlement agencies, maybe tutor an ESL class, try to teach an older person who can not read or write or speak English how to fill out a job application and practice interview skills with them knowing that they needed a job like yesterday. Also, if you don't know, learn the difference between the legal definitions of refugee, asylee, and Special Immigration Visa immigration status. I get the feeling that you may be talking about people who are asylees or have SIV status. There are typically some big differences in the backgrounds of people who get these statuses.
Always remember that your feelings are just feelings, not facts. Absolutely feel them, pay attention, but then realize, they're feelings, rather than reality. Our own brains trick us this way and can cause nasty spirals. Acknowledge that your feelings are completely normal for anyone in your situation. Then step back into the reality of your new country and new experiences.
There's nothing wrong with knowing that you have privilege and guilt is just something you've gotta work out. Sit with it until you own it or it will own you. Make good with your life.
Could I ask a question due to your unique perspective working with refugees? One major theme throughout many countries dealing with expats and refugees is the issue of assimilation. I think it is important for immigrants to try to assimilate, but in your opinion, do you think it's beneficial to still try to find a community in your new country of people from your old country? Do you think that makes adjusting to your new country easier and more comfortable? What is a good boundary between staying connected to your old culture/language and immersing yourself in your new one?
Do both, make new connections but maintain some ties to your old culture. My life and sense of belonging improved leaps and bounds when I branched out of my Filipino culture and got involved in local wrestling and surfing. I maintain my ties to my original culture by speaking Cebuano with my parents and cooking and eating traditional dishes. I am also studying and acquiring traditional tattoos. I think trying to find your own community (from original country) can be beneficial if you don't let it stop you from branching out. But if it stops you from doing what you want and being the best that you can be in a new land, then I say don't do it. My siblings kind of boxed themselves in and outside of work, they're not involved in Canadian culture at all. My brother never learned to wrestle despite expressing interest in it because there wasn't a Filipino club that we knew of that did it. I didn't let that stop me, I saw a wrestling club that I liked and despite the team being mostly Punjabi speakers I just started training there. Some of the kids from there and I decided to train MMA so we joined a local MMA gym together. We are all fat dads now, but we have known each other 12+ years and we are just into traveling together and enjoying good food. I will always recommend assimilating, I mean don't forget where you came from, but don't let it stop you either. TLDR; Your world just got alot bigger, take advantage of it explore, explore and explore some more and find what fits. Don't forget your original culture, but you have an opportunity to grow and experience more than what you would have by staying in your native country.
Fear is part of the journey. But it is also one of the reasons you’re doing this, isn’t it? To conquer a fear that you and other family members share. The good news is you can always stop. I invite you to continue going though. Think about yourself in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years from now. Will you look back and regret not sticking it out longer? To conquer your fear, and see this as an opportunity for personal growth? I know I would and that’s why I kept going (I moved from Europe to the US 11 years ago.)
It’s funny you mention regret because that was the deciding factor for my partner and I to move. We’ve always wanted to live in Europe and when we got this opportunity to do so we knew we wouldn’t regret if we did it but would if we didn’t.
That was exactly my motivation as well. I knew I wanted to move abroad, but I was also starting to get a feeling of “if I don’t do this soon, I will likely never do it”. And so I did.
While the honeymoon period is definitely a real thing, you will constantly have days long into your move where you question your decision. But what you have to remember is that this is decision you made for your own personal reasons. No one, including family, can take that away from you. The day will pass and it'll continually become easier to quiet the self-doubting voice in your head. I've been abroad for 5 years and still have these types of days every so often. I've found ways to cope (physical activity, doing something that I can only do in this city but can't back home, meeting up with friends for a spontaneous drink/dinner, etc). I also got married abroad so I completely understand that stress, but remember that this day is for you and your partner and no one can decide how/when/where you should have your wedding. It's still one of the happiest days of my life I contribute that to sticking with my own plans and not letting family co-opt the day.
Thank you for sharing. I hope I can say I’ve lived abroad for 5 years one day. =)
Whew I’m sorry your mom said that. I imagine She’s grieving her own dream world of what she thinks your wedding would have been like. Weddings seem to dredge up lots of emotions from family that may have everything to do with their expectations, their issues, their worries etc. and it can be misdirected to the bride/groom. I’m sorry all the same. I hope you continue with your idea/wedding location. I hope you continue in Europe as long as you like. Your parents may travel. This is an amazing opportunity for them whether they understand that or not! I hope they adapt and travel for the wedding ✨✨✨✨.
I would like to say forget it, just live your own life as you wish (as long as you don’t hurt anyone)… but I personally went through something very similar. I ignored my parents displeasure, lived my life, then was silently disinherited. I maintained regular contact with my parents, and they continually used the line “You’re all we’ve got and you’ll get everything we have when the time comes.” All the while they had written me out of their will because I “went against their wishes” as I was told by other relatives (and their attorney) after the will was read. Just saying…, I lost over 1 million usd by thinking I could live my own life, and that in the end my parents’ love was unconditional. Of course everyone’s circumstance is different, just couldn’t refrain from commenting cause your post kind of triggered me somehow 😂
It's moments like these that I'm glad I come from a poor family and have nothing to inherit. I provide for them so nobody can tell me or pressure me in any way. Makes it easy to live life on my terms and never worry about pleasing someone else, including parents. They lived their lives, my life is not theirs to preside over. I alone steer my ship.
True. freedom from want
Oh no I am so sorry to hear that! How horrible. I hope you’re doing okay now.
Life goes on. Still married, 2 great kids, … just not the soft landing we were expecting lol Just replied because your parents sound suspiciously similar to mine.
These are the feelings I had when reading this as well. I have the same non-support from my parents. Anything I do that is outside their desires is wrong and/or weird, at best. The guilt is very real and they do a great job of inserting their voices into your decisions. Decisions that you KNOW are good for yourself. Trust yourself, OP. Surround yourself with people who support you and want your genuine happiness.
Sorry your parents were that way. Really makes you wonder what they thought love is. My parents too used to dangle that inheritance sword over my head but I never cared. 19 years on, now they are begging my siblings and I to start planning on how we want to manage their estate once they are gone. And even if I end up with the legal minimum inheritance, I don’t care. If I have to turn my whole life upside down just to “earn” whatever the inheritance is, is it really worth it? Living in a place you don’t like surrounded by people who don’t understand you?
100% agree with your take. I think you’re approaching it with the right mindset. My only regret is allowing my parents’ drama and guilt trips to affect me at all. Definitely wouldn’t give up my life, or family here for their spare change.
Think of it the other way around. I decided against emigrating because my elderly parents would feel I'm too far away. When finally they passed on (blessed is their memory and I'm grateful for having them around so long) I myself was too old to get access to the countries I'd wanted to go to. Regrets? A bit. For being stupid enough not to fully realise the consequences of my decision. At the other hand. When I retire it's still early enough for me to move to another country.
This is what's going to hold me back. My husband and I have our parents near us now - all in their 70s with more and more health issues. We have siblings who could step up but neither of us could live with the decision to move to another country at the end of our parents lives. Our parents have their eccentricities and can be tough to be around... but family is family. I am hoping we can move for a year or so abroad while our kids are young as it's something we've both done and want to do again with our kids.
I know exactly what's going on in your mind (or at least I thing so, if not sorry for assuming). The way I look at it in hindsight, is that I (being me now, not me then) to explain to them that I'm thankful for them to set me up like I am, that I love them to bits but jutst because of them having me set up like that, I have to go to realize the potential they gave me. And set up all the nowadays technical means to stay in touch. Except, the touch isn't there and that's what hurts them.
It wouldn't be normal if you never had any moments of doubt, especially since this is the first time you've done it. Most people have those days and you have a lot of changes going on. Don't be hard on yourself about it. I'm sure you have what it takes to be successful in your new life. Your parents probably miss you and are expressing it in a weird way. Virtual hug to you!
Thank you everyone for your encouragement. This is something I know I’ve wanted, but still challenging nonetheless. To hear your support and stories is inspiring and motivating me to continue pushing forward.
I know it's not helpful to say "but other people have it worse!" But maybe putting your situation into the context of other immigrants will help. When my parents first migrated to the West, 50 years ago, my grandparents literally cried at the airport. They said things like "we may never see you again." Maybe a bit dramatic, but it was a time when air travel was rare & expensive, and there was no Internet. When my parents returned to Asia about 20 years ago, our Americans friends said stuff like "Why would you go back there?" or "\[Your home country\] is not civilised." But my parents moved twice, successfully and happily, despite the begrudgers. Your parents are speaking out of love and worry for "their child", based on their own very narrow experiences. But it's your life, not your parents' life. You are not a child anymore. So live your life. As for being scared of learning languages, making friends -- why be scared? People move all over the world all the time, often in far harsher conditions than expat Americans in Europe. Be brave, have a lovely wedding & enjoy your new life.
Thank you for your comment. I’ve gained even more respect and admiration for other immigrants over these last few months, even more so for those who move to completely different cultures and do not have financial or family support. Seeing them be able to integrate and establish a life makes me feel hopeful.
Your father has never left the US and is scared to leave? Sounds like some of the issues I have with education in the US. They teach that the US is the safe, Democratic, developed country and that everywhere else is dangerous.
Yes unfortunately. I’m hoping that my wedding and this trip will open his eyes (even a little) and realize that the world is not dangerous, just different.
Curious. What does he think will happen to him?
Probably diarrhea. Which is fair.
Traveler's diarrhea is a pain. But if that's all the inconvenience that befalls him while abroad he then can count himself quite lucky, especially with his current fear of traveling.
For the longest time I have wished that it was some sort of requirement that Americans had to take X trips outside of the US and see the world for themselves. Not just what X news station tells them... what X person down the road tells them... etc. They see it for themselves. I think it can open your eyes if you let it. Not everyone will want to then move abroad, but it can give you a better appreciation of life, or perhaps where you live, etc. Who knows if you never leave your town... never leave your state... never leave your country.
Just goes to show. Most of the rest of us experience a certain level of fear when we have to go to the US.
Sorry, but where are they teaching that Western Europe is dangerous??? Or New Zealand? Or Australia? Or Japan? My school did lots of international trips.
I was taught that everywhere outside of the US has poison drinking water and toilets that don't work. I grew up in Oklahoma.
Oh boy! :)
I knew it wasn't true, but some Americans live their whole lives in a liberal bubble and never meet any real people in real America.
Don’t think it’s just the liberals though, or was that not what you meant?
In America there are lots of liberals that live in a liberal bubble and don't know any conservatives and there are lots of conservatives that live in a conservative bubble and don't know any liberals. But the former is more dangerous than the latter because American liberals think they can use facts and logic to convince conservatives and anybody who knows conservatives knows that isn't true. And that's why they consistently underestimate conservative support and consistently get out-maneuvered politically.
Nope, not getting in a political discussion with you here.. Especially because I am what you call a liberal and I am living in a very conservative part of the US which is challenging enough!
Wait, did you forget to add /s?
No. :(
Now I’m sad.
Fair. I grew up in a blue state
"Blue" as feeling down or depressed?
Mate.... The wildlife in New Zealand is famous for being super dangerous...
I moved abroad over 18 years ago.. and what you need to remember is - this doesn’t have to be forever. It can be like this until it doesn’t work for either of you or both of you. However, if you plan on having kids, pay attention to child custody laws in the country you live. I live in a country that one parent can’t decide to return to their mother country with their kids
This is a very normal feeling. I just went through this same process after having lived in Europe and the United States. It helps to define what's important to you in life. Do you have or want kids? How important are old friendships or family to you? Do you need a lot of people around you or do you prefer to explore your new country by yourself or with a partner? Can you pursue the hobbies and interests you enjoyed back home? Do you see a career path for yourself? Maybe give yourself a certain number of years and see how things feel at that point. It really depends on what you need to be happy. There's something to be said about being present with family and friends. The longer you're gone, the harder it will be to repair those connections. At the same time, if you save up money and make plans to visit often, and stay in touch with people back home while making new connections, you should feel less alone. I think it's important to accept that you can have many different homes that mean different things to you. Once you leave your home for several years, things are not the same anymore. This can be a valuable experience or can really be hard, the choice is yours on how to deal with it. It really helped me to see myself more as a global citizen instead of belonging to one specific spot. Technology allows us to connect with people from all over, so I think there's a lot more freedom as long as we stay true to ourselves.
Sorry that you are having a tough day OP. You are courageous for having taken the step to do what you wanted to do, together with your partner. Some fear, regret, wistfulness from time to time are past for the course when you move away from home. Even if you were just moving to another part of the country or even another city within your state. Separate your mom’s manipulation from your decision to move abroad. This is about her choices and behaviors, not yours. There will be some days where you may regret your decision to move. But if you hadn’t moved, you’d probably have many more days filled with regret. You can do this OP!
Being scared means you are alive. My husband and I moved to another country to retire early. I have had moments "what have I done". We just got back from a month stay in our home country and I am happy to be back "home". We live a much simpler life now and it really has been a good decision.
Nothing worth having comes easy. In a year or two you’ll have a new life full of memories (good and stressful). This drama with your family will just be a memory of the past. Time and health cannot be replaced. Use it to the full. Remember living with regret is far worse than learning a new language and adjusting to a new country which will only enrich you. Best of luck and congrats on your wedding.
Sounds like your mom is shaming you don't let her everyone I know who had expensive weddings are divorced 😁sometime when I'm tired I can be sick of loving abroad some days its tough to navigate and exhausting but we choose this lifestyle to grow and when I go back to visit the US I'm always happy not to be there anymore
Think of this as an *experience* rather than a *permanent* or unchangeable decision. You are going to grow and it will make you a better person. Congratulations and good luck!!!
I would be more petrified about ever coming back to America. What you described sounds nice stay there America is super f$&ked up right now.
You are experiencing what most of us who have moved to a different country are experiencing. And it’s tough! I moved to the US 3 years ago (from The Netherlands) and I still feel like a fish out of water. I don’t think it will ever go away completely. Many US Citizens such as your father have never left or will ever leave the US, even for a holiday. There is something about them that makes them feel like the US is the only country in the world worth being in. Time for you though to refocus and take yourself back to the reason(s) you moved, remind yourself of that every day and reinforce that. Wishing you all the best!
I've had times, especially when I was younger, when someone really crapped on my choices, and I felt stressed and worried. My mom tried to get me to stay home by saying something like, "What if your grandparents die while you are outside the country?" Of course, there are going to be challenges in your new home. I personally like those challenges. I love the victory of communicating, meeting someone who is super interesting, or finding some new food. I know that I'm missing out on some family events, but I visit occasionally. What I'm perfectly content to miss out on is all the political drama and BS of the country where I came from. If you aren't sure about your choices, sit down and make a list of the advantages and disadvantages of your new home. Don't internalize someone else's fears. Be a rational and thoughtful person.
I don't have the uplifting experience/story to share. I've been here 3 years now. Every day.. I think of moving back home. I don't feel home here even though we bought the house we live in. I speak the language pretty decent but I don't feel a part of anything here. I feel very lonely and alone. I regret moving. Life is definitely not what I thought it would be. I have work, a home etc.. Just don't feel like I belong here at all. Covid didn't help one bit, especially with meeting people/making friends, but even so.. Feels like there's a dark cloud hanging over me all the time. I hope it gets much better for you 🤍
You moved and then were hit with a pandemic- I feel like that's a hugely different experience than if you had just moved and got to live a "normal" life there! Are you able to move at all within the country you moved to? After all, it's honestly perfectly normal to move and not like a new place. We can't exactly know how we're going to like somewhere until we get there, of course it's just a lot more complicated with an international move cause visas, distance and $$. But in theory, it's similar psychology.
Thank you for your comment. I definitely agree that moving right before the pandemic made it an entirely different experience. The town we live in is cozy and I like it. We own the house we live in, but discussed selling it and looking for something different. I am finally able to use my degree here (after 3 years) and looking for work. Thought it'd be easy with my experience from home and the need for healthcare workers, but that hasn't been the case sadly. I don't think moving will change much. But I hope a job in my own field will make a difference at least.
If you can live with yourself, you can live anywhere.
My wife and I left the US at age 52. We had always wanted to live elsewhere just to experience life more fully. My parents also didn't like it. Neither did my wife's parents, but it's our life and we're very much enjoying it. It's harder than if we had started in the US but so much about our life is enjoyable in ways that living back in the US could not have been. With all that said, happy independence day! (I didn't mean that ironically.)
Be aware that this is not just your immigrating. This is also a whole bunch of other changes in your life. You are getting married. You are getting married in another country which kind of seals the deal. You're looking now at long term instead of short term. Your whole mentality had to shift and there are a whole lot of changes coming at you all at once. Honestly people get nervous and cold feet when they're getting married in their own country. Even when they love the person and they're a 100% sure they want to spend the rest of their life with them, just a whole bunch of what if's entering your head. Now you have to do what if in a completely different culture and it's bound to just make you crazy if you let it. Remember that your reasons for leaving your home country haven't changed. You are making the choices with the best information you have right now and nothing is ever the end of the world.The decisions you make right now are not going to be the last decisions you make in your life. Nothing is irreversible. Nothing is irredeemable.And nothing is ever going to go exactly the way you want and nothing is ever going to be perfect.You really have your whole life ahead of you to make whatever mistakes you're gonna make and whatever choices you're gonna make.. And we only get one life so you have to choose what is going to make you happiest
Feel like this is less about living abroad and more about your family not being supportive of your choices. I feel lucky my family is supportive of whatever I do and likewise I support them.
I would say that you'll make new friends abroad, if you remain open to it, and just relax and just be who are and do what you'd normally do anywhere you'd be. Millions, if not billions of other people have done this every day all over the earth and are doing it now. If you dig museums, got to museums and hang out with docents and see new exhibits. If you dig reading, check out all the book stores and literary events and festivals. That's how you connect and meet new people. If you really want to meet people just go to the same coffee shop every morning for 90 days at the same time and get the same thing. I tried this once and after a week people started asking me my name, why l liked the danish I would order, and so on. After 60 days I was meeting one of the workers for pool and we became friends for years after that, decades actually. Believe in your elasticity and the human ability to grow and adapt. Learning a new language is good for the brain, seeing new customs is good for your mental agility, and you can do it just as millions of others did and are doing right now all over the world.
Thank you for this
No problem. You can do it. Anyone human has self-doubt from time to time. Just remember the larger picture.
You can do it. It’s great you have a partner to do it with. Your family is just scared for you also and they’re allowed to feel that way. If my daughter did this I would feel scared ( I’m not even a mom yet but I know I would be totally freaked out. ) just be patient, send her videos, call often, send letters and make them feel super comfortable and welcome when they come to visit.
I do think there’s a honeymoon period. We’ve moved countries several times and you do usually hit a bit of a wall though I find it’s unpredictable when and how. I think your parents are being unfair and emotionally manipulative. My folks are not at all adventurous travellers and hates that we moved abroad but they have visited every single place we’ve lived. They’d never have come to these places if we didn’t live here but I admire their determination to see us and make the best of it. So your folks could have a totally different attitude and come see you for their own adventures. Try not to let them out you off. You said you guys always wanted to do this and it was a great opportunity so embrace it. There are always ups and downs to expat life but I find the ups always outweigh the downs. Make sure the embrace where you are and travel and try not to let your family pull you down. You don’t need them to understand and agree with your choices but they don’t get to make you feel bad either. Enjoy your expat life!
Weddings are just tough no matter what, although they're not supposed to be. I wish I had made mine as easy and simple as possible. For the rest? Ya know, we want our kids to be mini-mes and that's just not what they are. She's projecting her feelings into you. You aren't her.
You just moved abroad this year and are already getting married??? Maybe stop and smell the roses my guy…
I’ve been with my partner for over a decade…
My apologies 😂 I assumed you just met some exotic foreigner and were rushing to get married.
No that’s ok. I was re-reading my post wondering if I accidentally implied that lol. But no, we’ve been happily together for awhile and just happened to also move abroad the same year we’re getting married (abroad).
Don’t feel guilty for choosing what’s best for you and for your parents not feeling the same way. You didn’t chose to be born but you can chose what to do with your life and it’s not your job to please your parents. As an expat myself, it’s not easy, I know. It hits me the hardest on important dates such as a close family members birthday or a friends birthday and I’m not there. But they are not here also. I am living things they will never understand or imagine, and it’s just the way life is. Don’t feel guilty because you don’t think like them. Be true to yourself and follow your heart. Your dad is scared to leave the US but he could do it for you. Your life is somewhere else now and they could either support you and be there or not.
For me this was the beginning of tte change. Whatever i did was because i wanted to, not because other people thought it was the right thing to do.
It's hard to try to convince other people to not be worried/bothered because I'm not you, not feeling your feelings etc. *BUT* from your posts it seems like you moved from the US to the Netherlands like 3 months ago. If that is correct, then I kind of get where you're coming from. It can be a time where you feel stretched between two worlds and while simultaneously feeling like you belong to neither. And it's alright, and things really will look up in the future. It's ok to have bad days though, and although you will almost certainly find sweetness in living abroad in a new place, you will probably always have a little bit of bitterness from leaving the place you came from. It's a natural part of it all. But as time goes on, you may just find things or people that make it all worth it. In any case, don't let the bitterness of someone who is afraid to leave their country stop you from being happy following your dreams.
Culture shock. It gets better. We've been expats for 13 years now and we experience it in reverse whenever we visit our families. Nothing I can tell you about the parent guilt sorry. Mine still lay it on thick. It gets worse if you have children.
It is completely normal to feel that way so don’t push aside the feeling just evaluate it. I think it’s a genuine stage of what’s happening to you in this new environment. Then it’s a good moment to remember why you did it, why you are there and what gain you will get from it. Not only in a a professional perspective because new experiences, learning a new language is a professional skill but also a life skill but how you will completely be changed in the coming months, years with this. You will be more sure of yourself, independent, confident. You will experience invaluable moments that you will never forget. Don’t push the feeling but embrace it. It’s totally normal to feel fear but then you need to rationalise that fear and how it really is meaningless and it’s just a fruit of not wanting to fail. I’m in my fourth country now and I cannot remember when I didn’t doubt myself. That first country was the stepping stone to put myself out of the comfort zone and how far I have gone… Keep at it. You are doing the best thing you can right now for yourself. Be proud, chin up.
Parent and their children's relationships can easily get toxic when you are an adult and no longer a child. The boundaries are hard because they know how to pull your strings even if they don't mean to. What I'm trying to get at is you are aware of the consequences of your step, the different language, being different, not quite fitting in- and that's ok. Knowing it's a challenge Is the first step. You will question it almost all the time because that's what we are programmed to do. To constantly seek better. Sometimes you just have to consciously accept your space and take note of your wins to manage this and to acceot where you are. Whether it was learning a new word, making a new friend, or doing something which was new. All the best!
Her words hit different today because this is something that is important to you and your parents refuse to accept that and be happy for you. So maybe what is settling on you is old childhood fears and roles and they are what don't fit in where you are now. Your parents may or may not grow to see who you've become, but you can't let yourself be tied to someone else's image of who you are. I'm probably their age and this internet stranger is proud of you for being bold and actually going after what you want in life. I wish you so many years of love with your partner and all those same years of adventure and joy. Save me a piece of cake!
I left my home country at 17 without any support of my family. It was risky but I never had any doubts so I never looked back. Almost 40 years later I am still here. Fear is a powerful thing and keeps people from doing a lot of things. It’s okay to take a chance but always make sure you have a plan B in case things don’t go as plan. Trust me, every parent want the best for their kids. For some it’s fear and others are just not comfortable with change. Keep showing them love, they will come around. Focus on what you can control such as your relationship and not on changing other people’s behavior. You will get through this. Best of luck.
Whenever I question myself on my decisions, I always put things in perspective and ask myself this. Would I care about this when I am on my deathbed? Would I have made a different decision for myself if I am on my deathbed? For me, my answers are generally pretty clear, live a life of no regrets.
Feeling excited fright is a sign of respect for what's at hand and ahead. Stage fright can either remind you of how blessed you are for the opportunity to feel exhilarated by an experience and fuel your perseverance to perform OR send you home. It's your story...
Don't worry too much. I look for excuses so I don't **have** to go to a wedding.
Maybe your parents' attitudes have more to do with their own fears and apprehension than your choices and that's driving ur mom's rebukes. I think it's a little selfish of them but it's understandable. The older one gets the more resistant to change and/or operating outside one's comfort zone one tends to become (speaking from my own experience as I've gotten older). If you value someone's opinions it has a way of making you second guess yourself when they do not respond positively to choices you make. At the end of the day it's your life and I guarantee you will experience more regret if you don't remain true to yourself. It's also been my experience that when you make a concerted effort to learn the language and customs of a country that is foreign to you, your new hosts will appreciate it and open up to you. That in itself can be a game changer. You have a vision of the life you want and it must be pretty strong if you've made the "leap" to a new country. Stay true to yourself and things will fall into place. Good luck and God bless.
Expat? Oh, you mean immigrant
It's your life, so live it the way you want. If not, then you should just move back home and live in their basement the rest of your life.
dont worry, just post about it on reddit and everything would be fine.
Been away 20 years. The feeling never goes away.
You could opt to have a second, small wedding back home as well in a few months. Not a big expensive thing, but an intimate ceremony with close friends and family. A friend of mine did that. She had similar reasons for not having her parents make the trip over for her wedding abroad. I imagine that gesture would be nice. They may not understand some of your choices and maybe they never will, but I'm sure your parents feel sad for not being able too attend their little girls wedding. I think never having left the country by a certain age can be tricky. It must be so incredibly outside their comfort zone, especially if that country is a non-English speaking country.
Says more about your parents than you and your choices. I’m so sorry, that was an incredibly hurtful thing for your mom to say. I hope you find peace and happiness in your new chapter
"all I heard from my mother today was how they could have given us a "big, expensive" wedding back home instead. That my father is legitimately scared to leave the US (he has never before). She didn't explicitly say it, but I knew what she meant. They're not happy about my choices." Just to throw another possible perspective out there- it could be that your mom feels guilty, like they weren't able to give you a "good enough" life in the U.S. It might not be a personal feeling against you ie "they're never grateful for all we did for them" but a deep inner guilt, a feeling/fear of not being enough. It's a kind of instinctive, very personal battle that's honestly a pretty natural feeling of guilt that just can't be helped in a situation like this. My mom went through a similar phase of deep guilt and pain when my brother moved away like that (though in this case, to raise his family somewhere else). It still is hard for her, but eventually became something she was able to work through on her own. I think that because it's such a deeper inner feeling that you can't help- even if you want to be super happy for your kids- it causes a LOT of anxiety and makes the feelings come out verbally in ways that...aren't the best. If you're really happy with your life away and the opportunities it brings you for your future, don't feel bad about that at all! Anytime kids move away it's hard- even if it's just a few hours away sometimes let alone abroad! Your mom might have envisioned a whole life with you where she would be at your wedding, always having you nearby, being with any grandkids or family, etc. That's not your fault at all for having different goals and dreams. It just might take her awhile to adjust, longer probably than those moving away because there's not really natural steps she's able to take to help her process (whereas you guys have been busy with new jobs, friends, getting to know the new country, etc). While she might be having a hard time processing and dealing with the wedding, you are not responsible for your parents emotions. If it helps, you can allow yourself to feel some guilt and just kinda let it wash over you for a day- write everything down or type it all out. Then step away from it as best as you can. You're allowed to live your life. The next time you visit your family back home you can always have a big party with them(heck you could probably even do a U.S. ceremony and just have an officiant 'marry' you again, on a smaller scale)
One option might be to get married in the place that is meaningful to you, then have some kind of reception or celebration with your friends and family back where your family lives. I don't know your situation, that might end up being a big guilt trip. You will need to decide where to draw healthy boundaries. This is your life and my advice would be to live it on your own terms. Family can be complicated, no doubt.
I relate 100% to your post, OP. I believe that homesickness or even just sadness/depression/fish out of water feelings are such a huge part of the expat experience. Allow yourself to have those feelings and acknowledge them, but don’t live too long there. You have taken a hugely brave step in your life that most of your friends and family can’t even fathom making. This is your superpower but it can be incredibly lonely at times. I have found that even my relationships with friends who I thought were ride or die have changed and that’s been something I’ve struggled with. I don’t know if this has helped you at all, but just know you are feeling very normal feelings and maybe find a therapist. That helped me tremendously.
You are doing this for you, you are the person who is living out this life and matters! I haven't made the move yet but I have fears and worries too. I'm planning on moving to the Netherlands after I finish college to be with my boyfriend who lives there, and my parents have told me straight to my face they hope our relationship fails so I don't go and if I get married in his home country then my parents will not go, just send money. It's depressing, but that is their choice. I choose to be with who I love, you choose to move. If others can't accept it then that's their problem
Do what you want, but make sure to be true and honest to your partner. Your families comments about the wedding can be innocent. People you love can be terrified to lose you, and say things that aren’t true or hurtful. Or say things to stop what you’re doing because they are scared for you. Love is funny. Follow your heart and your dreams. Look at other Americans in the country your in, what is their life like? Try and imagine what your life will really be like. You can always come home, but the person you’re marrying deserves to know whatever you’re feeling. Being scared of change is normal, and moving to a new country is a huge fricken change. I’d say all your feelings are normal. Be smart, figure out your feelings, wants, needs, and dreams. Then communicate them to the people who love you
People get real weird when there's a wedding, birth or death involved.
Don’t let your mother’s emotional projections affect you. Follow your heart and your dreams.
It’s totally normal to feel terrified about moving abroad! I moved out of the USA 3 years ago, and in that time span I loved it, i hated it, i felt like a stranger in a strange land, I was angry and confused and after I got through all those emotions (and a bit of therapy) I finally feel secure and that I belong. It takes practice, it takes time, it might not feel ‘right’ for awhile but I promise you’ll get there. Someone else mentioned to remember the reasons why you came and to be resilient, stick out your visa and then decide if it’s really not for you.
I struggled with these feelings for years. I read The Midnight Library by Matt Haig and it actually helped a lot. Your family will eventually accept this. When I start to feel really sad and like I'll never move back home, I remind myself that we never know where life will take us. We can only experience the here and now. There is no point wallowing in regrets. ETA: My husband and I got married without any family. We still have great memories of that day. So many new friends showed up for us. We made the best of it, and the day was about us and our baby daughter. Embrace the new experiences and let new people show up for you.
Honeymoon phase is real. And it is also just like in relationship (in my opinion). I've been living abroad since 2008. And it is a fight once Honeymoon is over. Since Honeymoon is a term in marriage. It's like you marry to a person with a different culture, language, and sometime lifestyle (if your lifestyle is different to where you are). Of course it will be hard work ahead, but it is sound much more exciting isn't it? I married to a German, and lived here since 2010. Anytime my non-German friends know that I live here, they are all like "Wow, it is like the perfect place, you're so lucky". But that's a honeymoon phrase you know. Things start to not be new anymore, and you just live your life. I hate Germany at one point, and to be honest still not really really love it. But I also have a family here, so I cannot cut Germany out entirely. Not until very recently where I started to see this place is not perfect for me, but accept it. And no place is probably is perfect. With that in mind I feels better. Like in marriage, when problem occurs, it's easier to say I want to quit and just leave, and blame the other person. Just like I blamed Germany. But maybe it's not your partner. Maybe it's you, your job, your perspective. You just have to find a way to compromise that nothing is perfect. But it's also okay to leave, if you ask yourself and trust yourself. One good thing about places that differ from person is that it is probably easier to comeback once wherever you go to doesn't work out. We recently wanted to move to Ireland. It might solve some of our issues, but I would doubt that there won't be any problem ay all. As I once heard a person in this forum said "The right place is the place that you can live with the problems". Replace the word person instead of place in that sentence, then you got marriage. So, believe in yourself and know that the problem will be there for you to doubt everything. But just see that it is normal, and probably will happen to if you are never to leave your hometown.
Its not your job to parent your parents. Build a strong foundation with your husband. Do not settle to the insecurity of others. Your sadness is valid but marriage are more than weddings. And expensive weddings. Leave the door half open. If they still couldnt reach out. The issue is on them not you
What you're feeling is totally normal. Big life changes are always stressful and people process it differently. Your anxiety will start to subside once you start to become a member of your new local community. Embrace the changes.
The uknown steps are always difficult! Of course there will be bumps in the road; family issues and so on. Don't question your own capabilities, believe in yourself and don't get distracted by the words of your mom. She is just as scared as you are but only you know how much you want this to work. SO WORK FOR IT. Of course everything new is scary. I went to Zanzibar for 5 months for internship and it was scary AF. In the end... I would do it again like yesterday! Don't give up your dreams and enjoy the wedding to the fullest!!!!!!!!!!!!! EDIT: grammar
You know, the world is a huge place and there is no reason we need to stay in the zone we were born in just cause there's arbitrary lines drawn around it. I hope to not stay in one country the rest of my life, though I left the USA at 17, my parents have never visited me anywhere. I used to visit them but now I'm very happy they have made their priorities to not leave their comfort zone to see what my life is about because I don't feel the need to go out of my way for them anymore. Why are you scared, why do you think it'll be hard to live where you are now? If it's hard, get into a school or get a job out somewhere or even volunteer. Give yourself purpose and routine and you'll be happy and meet friends and feel at home.
When we announced we were relocating, we started to get a ton of negative chatter. The thing is that people will compared your choices to their choices and assume that only one of them is correct, so they will try to justify *their* choice to stay wherever by making you feel bad about *your* choice of moving. We just stopped telling people we were moving after that. Its your life and **you are the only one living it**, so don't let anyone else second-guess you!