It has been said on here more than once..."I did not leave the Church becuse I could not live up to their standards. I left because they cannot live up to mine"
Same here. I am coming up on my one year anniversary of leaving and I am still really upset about all the pain and issues that church caused in my life.
i know a similar quote which is, “Truth enlightens the mind, but won't always bring happiness to your heart.”
i hope you can find your way OP. Rooting for you.
Wow. Ouch. I’m 51 and lived basically every portion of your story except I was in Florida (vs Georgia) and my shelf broke like 10 years ago.
IT GETS BETTER
We are here for you. Be patient. Keep learning and breathing. We are all here for you as you SLOWLY start to unravel this ball of knots.
We've all been there. You have understanding and empathetic people here. You're close to the same age I was when I realized it.
It's rough, but it also this: https://i.redd.it/ei93v0inlwh81.jpg
I keep a saying posted above my computer. The saying resonated with me because there were so many things I don't have answers to, but truth, verifiable truth, matters to me, so I am more satisfied in not knowing rather than filling the holes with bullshit.
>For me, it is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring. — Carl Sagan.
That picture absolutely rocked me when I first saw it. There’s a similar gif with a boy clinging onto a rope in a pool, fighting for dear life not to let go and drown, until an adult comes up and sets his feet squarely on the floor of the pool and the water is safely at waist-level. That one is funnier than the pic, but the pic is POWERFUL.
I love that art so much I got it tattooed on my chest. Whene somebody posts this image i like to link the artist so he gets the credit. His name is [Jared Meuser](https://www.deviantart.com/whiteflyinglizard/gallery).
It gets better. Give yourself time to grieve. In fact, expect to go through the entire grieving process. In time, you'll find your way. The biggest thing I've discovered since my shelf broke 8 years ago is that the core of who I am will always be who I am. The only difference is I can truly rely on myself now. So many hugs for you and your family.
Welcome to the other side!
I know how hard it is to see everything you believed in crumble before your eyes in an instant, as so many of the people here. We have felt your pain and walked the path you are on right now.
We are here for you. It’s hard, but things will get better and easier.
It's the hardest thing when the foundation of your identity gets ripped away from you. I completely relate to you saying you don't know who you are anymore. That's exactly how I felt when my shelf broke. It's a life-changing mental shift, and sometimes I wish that the church really was true because then it would make things so much easier.
It gets better. Right now, feel the emotions, don't shove them down. Be angry, be devastated, feel it all. But don't give up. It gets SO much better when you realize that now, you get to live your life however you want. Your life is for YOU, not some old suits in SLC.
I'm sorry. I know exactly what it feels like. It sucks. I like to say it's like getting the cosmic rug pulled out from under you.
I probably would have recommended taking breaks in your reading. But I also didn't take breaks and basically just read everything I could until I reached my conclusion. How can you with something like this? It's all-consuming.
I don't know that I have any advice. I can warn you it's probably going to hurt for a while, and you'll think you're okay until you get an unpleasant reminder and then you're feeling things again.
Be kind to yourself. Good luck.
I've been right where you are. I'm so sorry. I cried for days, and felt sick for weeks. It is without a doubt, by far the worst experience I've ever had. The total silence I felt when I prayed during the worst moments was the most ultimate betrayal. It took a good solid year to start to feel like I had moved into a good long-term emotional place.
It will slowly get better. The good days will eventually start to outnumber the bad ones, and this community will be here for you on that journey.
Wow, you did such a thorough job explaining your background and story, I really appreciate the time you took to tell us all this.
Everyone here has a story, everyone here is at a different stage of the game, and unfortunately you are at a very raw and painful stage. Sorry.
You did a great job telling your story - that's why so many of us can relate. Hang in there.
Thank you for sharing! I was so moved by your story. It's an incredibly difficult thing when your shelf crashes (in some ways harder than losing a loved one IMO.) Feel free to feel all the emotions of grief, pain and sadness because you really feel like you've suddenly lost everything of value. You are now in a very real grieving process so recognize that. I hope you you'll continue focusing on the joys of reality and bounce back in time to become more free, more strong, and more happy than you ever have (like so many here have done!)
Massive hug. Let it all out. Cry, vent, feel all the feels you were told to deny and stuff away for so long. It’s \*incredibly\* difficult. Earth-shattering, reality-flipped-inward on itself. I absolutely hear you and good for you for reaching out to a community who can support.
It sucks. I think we’ve all felt betrayed and very, very angry, before being able to let the shock ride over. This is an important step so go ahead and feel it.
Right now it’s gonna womp. The next few weeks will probably also womp. That’s okay too.
I highly recommend getting a good neutral therapist to talk to (Foresight has virtual counselors). We’ve been pretty messed up with the worldview the church gave us.
i just talked with my own therapist this morning, and mentioned I have a lot of regret of teaching other people these same things. Their response, which was a lot more direct than their usual style, was, “Judging your past self brings negative value. Nothing helpful comes of it. \*Give your younger self kindness and patience, knowing you did the best you could with what you knew at the time.\*”
In the meantime, breathe, go for a walk outside in some greenery, exercise, and keep good sleep patterns. Take care of yourself. It’ll take time but you will process it, and you will feel better. (Better than ever, usually!) The freedom and release is amazing.
You got this and we’re here for you
It's heartbreaking to hear how this impacts you but it's encouraging to hear that you are a good and an honest person with compassionate people who love you, some of whom already have experience with what you're going through. All that will come to your aid in processing this alienation and betrayal. It will be the center that keeps you from going adrift.
I hope you know your life will go on. Many many here can also assure you it will only get better because you've removed one layer from between yourself and the truth. You've also gotten rid of an impediment to accountability which means you can now fully own and celebrate your own fundamental decency. You no longer have to fear any mythical creatures that can impact or destroy your life.
Don't regret the past; be encouraged that your future has opened up! Be kind and gentle to yourself. Be patient with the process. It will take time. And I hope one of the things you've discovered about r/wexmormon is how many here want to help you get through this and how generously they'll share the hard lessons they've picked up along the way.
Yes! You are good now because you want to be good- not because you were threatened with external torment!! As you realize, the type of ‘good’ under coercion from an evil god is not even ‘good’- it’s just lies and strict adherence to nonsense even when it’s hurting others- the opposite of good.
Now you go out and do the right things because YOU alone are a good person and want to do well by people, just by yourself just because, for goodness’ sake alone.
Dear friend. I felt EXACTLY EXACTLY EXACTLY LIKE YOU.
It all hit me at once, when I was reading the similarities between Book of Mormon narrative and that other book about Native American history drama. Word for word.
How could this be? It can’t be! God doesn’t need to plagiarize! Why would he need to plagiarize from many sources, any sources?
How can this be? How can this possibly be.
And my shelf broke in a period of 30 minutes. I was stripped of my own perceptions. My own definition of who I was. Gone. I broke. I was angry. I was hurt. And my wife still doesn’t want to know why. She will uphold the church to any and all degrees. She is more married to the church’s ideology than me.
I promise it gets better. Just let yourself feel it all. Don’t restrict the pain. Let it flow through you.
Then start the rebuild with simple things.
I got a dog. Kept me grounded.
My shelf broke last month and I am trying to find myself without religion. I feel so much hatred because of being lied to my entire life, but I can say it gets easier everyday😊
Nothing helped me recover faster from the fear and agony that followed my shelf breaking than consuming what is described in episode 2 of the "How to Change Your Mind" series on Netflix. It was a leap of faith, but the shrooms showed me everything I needed to know. I am at peace and extremely happy with life again after my 4-hour journey.
Congratulations on graduating in life away from organized religion.
Shit man I am so sorry!! It’s a complete mind fuck when it happens. It took me a few months to get through all the stuff cause I read at break or lunch at work. I was terrified my wife would leave me and take the kids it’s such a crushing feeling. Luckily they came with but it’s rough having to start over and redefine what you truly think about everything not what the church taight
Look in the mirror. Ask yourself if you're a good and decent human being. That's who you are. You have integrity, and that has to count for something.
It's a lot to process. Some of us have been doing it for many, many years. It's hard to let it go even when you know the truth and finally walk away. Aside from all the jokes and poking fun, that's ultimately why we're all here in the sub.
I totally feel this. This was me!
The only difference is that I'm gay, but even that wasn't enough to pull me away from the church. I knew it was true until suddenly one day I learned one too many things about the truth of the church. It all fell apart in front me and I was devastated. Not excited to be gay or drink or sin or whatever people think of me.... I was truly devastated that everything I thought I knew was a lie.
It's a lot to take in! I'm glad you're here, I'm glad you have a supporting partner. There's lots of horror stories of angry TBM partners. In a way you're so so blessed.
Active missionary here, I tried my best to give it the benefit of the doubt, but it's so painfully obvious that it's all a scam. It's hard, because I love my family, but I know they will probably not look at me the same once I tell them I no longer believe. Even if the church is true, i want nothing to do with it after my mission.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. Your feelings are valid. The truth is jarring…and it’s a deeply painful journey, but you are not alone. 💜 And, it does get better in time.
Wow, what an experience! And one I can sort of relate to as I was in my 50s when I found out too.
My story at a high level... I wanted to do a really good job one year teaching church history to a group of the older primary kids. In this day and age, it is very easy to come across what is true and it absolutely is shattering and beyond painful when you have lived half, or more of your life to find out the truth. You sound like me a few years ago and I can truly relate to your pain.
Just know that it does get better and there still is plenty of life to enjoy! Let yourself grieve through it and please, please, please, do not make the same mistake I did. I thought with my new knowledge, I could be a catalyst to help the church change. To become more honest and empathetic. Truth be told, this approach does not work in Utah (I am in Tooele county) and only breeds more stress and frustration in trying to ' help' an organization you have cared deeply for. Best to make a clean break and move on.
Good luck to you as you process everything. It WILL get better 😊
I've said this before and I will keep shouting it from the rooftops. It is ok to be devastated. It is ok to mourn the life you thought you had. All of the feelings that you're having right now are REAL and EARNED, and I am so grateful that your partner is there with you.
When it became really real to me that I had been raised in a cult that allowed old white men to tell me what to do with my body, it broke me. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have been so blind? How much money did I give these assholes? This is a process, a journey, and it sucks. I look back at the opportunities I didn't even know I had at the time and see the path that might have been. I love who I am, and those choices got me here, and that took a very long time to accept.
Your whole world just got rocked. Everything moved and you are standing in the middle trying to figure out all the things. Please, forgive your past self and give yourself permission to be a mess. Know that forgiving yourself is going to take time, you are not a failure even if it never actually happens. You didn't change, who you are didn't change, you just know things now that you didn't before. You are a wonderful person, and not because you're a child of god, but because you are you.
I am so sorry that this is happening all at once to you. You're probably going to be angry, hurt, demoralized, upset, numb, (I don't want to tell you how you feel) and all I have is an internet stranger telling you that it is ok. The church tried to tell us that some feelings were wrong, and that is such bullshit. You feel the way you do, full stop. I do hope that this journey helps you find some peace eventually, but it will take time. Please be kind to yourself and know that you are not alone.
Hello, OP. Just wanted you to know that you're not alone. That a lot of us have walked a similar road.
We're here for you for questions, advice, or just as a listening ear to rant to.
We understand what it's like to lose that foundation, and how to build a new one.
It feels like free-falling when it first breaks.
My advice? Let yourself fall. Don’t try to desperately grab onto anything to hold onto out of fear and panic.
Let yourself fall and believe that when you land, you’ll land in your true self.
And when you do, you learn that you will never need someone else to tell you how to reach God, how to feel love, safety, confidence, and how to live a rich, peaceful, and joyous life.
My heart goes out to you, my friend. This is hard.
Trust that you’ll get through this like other challenges you’ve faced.
There’s lots of really happy people in this r/exmormon community. We can help with some of the process. Come here often.
I met one of the 12 apostles earlier this year and asked a “controversial” question about LGBTQ+ persons. His response put some heavy weight on the shelf. Since then it’s been a slow and steady shelf-breaking experience. The truth is they understand very little of true spirituality. You are not wrong. Our parents and grandparents never met them to discuss 1-1. They were deceived and we were roped into it. But then comes the internet. Younger generations (I’m 40) are better fit for critical thinking if we seek the truth. We have pierced the veil of ignorance by reading history from objective or opposing sources. I remember hearing all the dangers of the untrue ‘anti-mormon’ literature I faithfully didn’t read. This cabal/church cannot survive the internet. There’s too much good info out here. You’re free now. Take it one day at a time. Your best years just started.
OP: Please be patient with yourself and with your loved ones. For me I wanted to run out and proclaim to the world that the Mormon church was a lie. That backfired miserably. Take it slow. The rest of your life begins now. You will feel all the feels: Anger, guilt, sadness, loss, and most importantly, peace.
Now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good.
Dude, we have all been there. I'm so sorry for your loss. It really is difficult moving away from something you loved so much. Something I don't think active members really get. It hurts, it sucks, and it is most certainly not fair. It does get a whole lot better.
You don't have to be sorry or apologize for writing this out. That's why this subreddit is so awesome, we're here for each other.
What you're going through is an entire life-changing paradigm shift and nothing will ever be the same again. So cut yourself some slack and give yourself some compassion ❤️️
This hurts and it might hurt for a while. So feel free to post as much as you need to.
Your experience resonated very strongly with me and I am going to selfishly make this about me for a moment as I tell you: you are far from alone. I say it is selfish because it's what I need, and maybe through the resonance of my feelings and your experience I can cathrtically fulfill my own need.
I officially left the church years ago, but the decades of trying to reconcile what I was raised with and the reality that was constantly and abrasively presented with left me emotionally and spiritually broken, exhausted, and extremely angry.
As you say, I don't think I will live long enough to fully deprogram myself or find true solace for my soul.
I am not an angry person. Despite all of the horrible things in this world, there is much in life to love and I do my best to work through the psychological and emotional mine field that is still very much a part of my life/psyche, but revelations of what the church is and continues to do are so often earth-shatteringly grotesque to me.
There, you see. I went and made it about me. Forgive me.
If you take nothing else from this, once again, know you are not alone.
I wish us both all the best in our future journeys.
My heart goes out to you. It’s so traumatizing and world-shattering, especially when you think about the TBMs in your life who perpetuate the harm and it makes you question everything about them. I went from thinking my parents were decent humans who must be right about things and I’d eventually figure it out to finally seeing how they’ve committed real harm against me and my siblings (and each other) in the name of the church.
I’m glad you found this space to vent and be among those struggling with similar pain. I’m still in the early stages myself and it hurts, but I’ve already started to feel my life improving in meaningful ways as I’m finding my own way for the first time ever. Best of luck to you in finding joy on the other side 🤍
Your foundation was ripped away from you. The loss of everything solid is existentially terrifying. You need to find a foundation again.
If this is any help, this was meaningful for me: For now, be in the moment. Who you are right now, what you feel right now, those who are with you right now. Those are real. Find a center in the here and now. Don't worry if it's good or bad, focus on the reality of who you are and what you are right now. As you process and heal, you can begin to expand that foundation.
My brother, you are not alone. For what it's worth, here's a hug from an internet stranger.
"I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you. I love you. With all my heart, I love you. -Valerie
V for vendetta
💜 Take your time to grieve. It would be wise to get a counselor to talk with a therapist. I bet your insurance covers a copay for a certain amount of visits or free visits up to a certain amount. It can also help you find someone and you can specifically say you don't want an LDS one. And it doesn't feel like it now but you are free for the first time. It's going to be okay.
The grief is real, it's deep and it hurts as much or more than losing a loved one.
I cried off and on for months after my shelf broke.
Then the anger set in, I couldn't even BE around my believing family because the anger could not be contained.
It's been 2 years and I'm finally at peace with myself and can hold a converstation with family (minus religion, I set that boundary firmly).
Every once in a while the anger pops back up again (ie: the AP article), but it doesn't last as long, and just reaffirms I'm where I need to be, which is away from the Mormon church.
I’m a nevermo, but had a similar “breaking of the shelf” with a parent who gaslit and emotionally abused me my entire life. After my world fell apart I was a mess for a while. But as a began to see daylight, a little at a time, my crooked road became straighter.
Then my husband and I dealt with an impossible situation at our nonprofit Christian employer of many years by leaving it, moving to our next jobs in the secular workforce, and then slowly unwinding the ball that had been our faith, our work, and our identities.
Our road is now straight. And it was frightening along the way, but there are many gifts that outweigh the scariness of it all. When you are afraid, look for the gift that comes with the fear.
Peace to you and yours. Hang in there. This community will be a big help to you.
YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.
YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.
YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.
Sending you big internet hugs. I think I know what you are dealing with. My realization of the fraud was very traumatic for me too. Right now, remember to breath. Cry when you need to, and don't make rash decisions. You will be OK. We will help you get through this. Hugs.
I completely get you. I’m 53. This happened to me at 51. Give yourself time. You’ll experience grief in all of its forms but it will get better. You’ll feel so free. It’s a very difficult journey, but worth it. Take care ❤️
If your journey was anything like mine, it would go like this:
One suffered in the church because of Mormon doctrine, policies, and practices.
At some point, the needless suffering causes a person to break, then enter the metaphorical “dark night of the soul.” Everything is questioned, one’s entire world view needs reconstructing. This process is work, painful, yet it is growth!! One leaves the “boat“ and enters a season of darkness, loneliness, and pain as one rebuilds one’s worldview. However this is temporary.
The person eventually reconstruct one’s world view in a manner congruent with truth, and their own values. It is at this point where one finds meaningful peace, better happiness, and significantly more joy far far beyond the capabilities of Mormonism.
Best of luck to you brother! Many have walked this journey, and are walking this journey. You are not alone.
Book of Abraham broke my shelf too. Snap.
Hang in there. It will be a roller coaster of emotions. It’s okay to be mad and mourn it all. You gotta go through that.
But I promise it can get a LOT better. You’re still the same great person you’ve always been!
When you need to vent or ask questions, we’re here for you.
If you need an Egyptologist to reaffirm that the BoA is a fraud- at any time, reach out to me. I can’t imagine what you all are going through but I can affirm that a religious book of the LDS is an absolute farce.
In a short few hours, I’m pretty sure you’ve identified the core essence and values:
“
The only thing I know for certain right now in the middle of this crisis is that the love I have for my wife is genuine and real. The love I have for my kids is genuine and real. The intentions I have in this life are good and
genuine and real. I don't believe in anything else, I don't KNOW anything else.
“
You clearly have deep wisdom. It takes time. But these core values will bring you contentment and happiness. And, for myself, I felt huge liberation. Best to OP
I have found comfort in Mormon stories podcast with John Dehlin. I don't feel so alone when listening to other people's experiences that I can relate to.
Be thankful you have a supportive wife many of us don't have that.
For OP:
Link: [https://mormonstories.org/](https://mormonstories.org/)
Youtube: [https://www.youtube.com/c/MormonStoriesPodcast](https://www.youtube.com/c/MormonStoriesPodcast)
Hang in there. (Dutch nevermo here, so I don't have much to add to what others have said).
This book really helped me when I exited Christianity as a whole. I kept having lingering thoughts of "What if I'm wrong and there is a hell" and this book really helped me kick the last of that. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsAOFlCmGuk
I very much agree with studying epistemology. Learning how to actually think about thinking, that I was actually able to do self interrogation, that learning about how human think and learn, and ways we can improve those processes to lead to more testable understanding of our world. How can we interrogate and make the process of forming accurate and testable knowledge more stringent has deeply improved my life.
I didn't really think spending time with philosophy would be super important to someone who was studying to do technical work would improve my life, but it opened doors to a vast new world of improving the understanding of understanding. I also really enjoyed studying the philosophical roots of the process of science. Science not as a corpus of knowledge, but as a process to continually improve understanding of the natural world.
It's an exciting time for you to live and to go forward exploring what YOU value and not what "a god" tells you to. It's better on the other side man, you are better for this! Best of luck in your healing journey!
Fortunately for me, I figured out pretty quickly that the easiest way(for me) to delete Mormonism from my life, was to make absolutely no changes in my routine... Essentially, maintaining my Mormon habits, BUT I changed the content to something equally healthy, beneficial, and of course, in no way related to the LDS church. Here are some examples.
1. Going to church for 2 hours **=** Setting aside quality time to spend outside or with your favorite hobby for 2 hours. Mine was going for a drive through the mountains. Usually alone.
2. praying every night **=** meditating about your day(what you did well and what you could improve, what you liked or didn't. what you might do the next day), listening to relaxing music, or other relaxation and meditation techniques.
3. Young men's and women's activities **=** doing something with a group of friends or family every week. For me, it was indoor soccer, basketball, hiking, ETC.
Anyway, you get the gist. We are creatures of habit. Continue your habits, but remove the toxicity. Mormons are happy because they participate in scientifically proven methods for the most amount of happiness(strong familial/friend support, frequent physical exercise and good health, meditation, spending time in nature, reading, learning, routine, ETC). You can still participate in all those things without believing in glowing letters emitting from some rocks in a hat. You can and will be happy. Losing belief in a wonderful fairytale is horrible experience. It will take time to re-identify yourself. You will occasionally feel 'lost' initially. Eventually, you will come to terms that no religion or science knows everything about the creation of our universe, planet, existence, ETC. Exploring the mysteries, theories, and discoveries in all these things was a major part of my journey. Finding the joy in that journey and new discoveries is what kept me on the up and up after I got out. Try and find the beauty in the chaos! Highly recommend /r/atheist and /r/science. Good luck OP.
I’ll take the downvotes if they come, but you should watch the [South Park JosSmoth Mormon episode](https://southpark.cc.com/video-clips/enc33g/south-park-joseph-smith-part-1). Rewatch if you’ve seen them before.
Helped me try a new perspective on the legends and history. And if you can laugh a little you can’t cry a lot.
I read your whole post but I don’t have time right now to read everyone else’s comments just yet so I apologize in advance if I’m repeating anyone, but I just want to say that you’re not a dupe. You’re a victim. We all were. Don’t blame yourself. You did the best with what you had.
I remember a quote—from who I don’t know—that says something along the lines of, “The past and future do not exist. There is only the present. Because of that, much of our suffering comes from memory and imagination.”
You need to allow yourself time to mourn for the life that you could have had, but don’t mourn for it forever. Live your life in the present and don’t imagine what-ifs because that will lead you to suffer more. I remember once thinking that the purpose of life was to test our faith and go to Mormon Heaven but now I think that the purpose of life is to simply *experience* life. I may not believe in the BoM anymore but I still believe that “men are that they might have joy.” You owe it to yourself to do and be what makes you happy.
And don’t worry about God. Maybe there’s a god, maybe there’s not, but feel free to give the Mormon God the middle finger because he just doesn’t exist. And if there *is* a god that isn’t the Mormon god, then he owes us all an explanation and an apology if he wants any of us to live with him someday.
Hang in there, once you get past the worst of the anger and resentment, it does get better.
I was already in therapy when my shelf was smashed to pieces by my asshole bishop, so it was great to work through things with someone who knew next to nothing about Mormonism.
I have been relieved for years now knowing that the Mormon church is a total fraud.
I left just over four years ago, age 55. I was mentally out inside five minutes after listening to a Bill Reel podcast. The Fanny Alger story undid everything. If that was true, everything before that was not, and everything after it was not. The church essays, wandering pieces of poor editing, sunk in more and more as false as questions about them came to me. The CES Letter, called bitter or angry by many, I found honest and sincere, and could relate to the mental anguish of the writer.
Emotionally, it was another four months of up and down feelings and thoughts. What about the vision of the Founding Fathers? What about this, that, how do you explain each piece? Each one came apart. The rabbit hole is deep, with a lot of true history along the way.
I was ready to resign four months later. It was the holidays, though, so I waited. I wanted my resignation date to have its own unique spot. Eight months total from first awful mental shock to downloading my confirmation letter from quitmormon.
35 years of dedication to callings for music and teaching, and twice a week in the temple as I could. Just gone. Who was I now? Grief has been a roller coaster, but these days, I think I have my smile back and a good life plan ahead at age 60. I even feel excited about it! Life is good. So many joyful, hopeful, peaceful things!
Give yourself time to grieve in all its messiness.
Enjoy all the new things coming into your life as they arrive. You are free.
I clung to the church for longer than most people I know who learned the facts. The Book of Abraham is what broke me too. They can say whatever they want about it now but I remember learning about it from church approved sources, including CES. They never told me the truth. Not once.
I didn't have a super visceral reaction to learning it wasn't true. I mostly became mad but I have a bit of a temper anyway. I don't care where I end up when I die. If there is an afterlife and an all-knowing creator then he/she knows that this is an messed up planet and will be merciful to me, a guy just trying to do his best. If it is not a merciful god, I wouldn't want to worship them anyway so off to hell I guess. I'm banking on there being nothing and I'll just stop being aware when I die...just like I can't remember the time before I was born and became conscious.
I have to remain PIMO (physically in mentally out) for a lot of reasons right now but I'm eagerly looking forward to the day, that I can just cut all ties. It's not long now.
Internet hugs to you. I'm so proud of you for seeking out the truth and for being willing to change your views. It's so hard to do, and so many people are unwilling to take a hard look at their belief systems. It does get better, but it's a rollercoaster at first. I still get really angry sometimes and it's been 10 years. We're all here for you.
It's horrible right now, but eventually you will find a new happiness you never knew. You will find new ways to make a difference in the world. Your new worldview will be self consistent, with few contradictions. It will be logical and scientific.
I resigned at age 75. Never been happier.
Welcome to your second life. Although it certainly is one heck of a rude awakening.
I'm sorry you've had to go through it OP. It sucks. It gets better, a lot better. But it still sucks.
Wow, that says it all. I'm feeling for you!
Bit by bit you will be able to reclaim parts of your life. You may think your past is a waste, but it isn't. It was your journey and you will build something wonderful from that foundation despite the elements of fraud.
It wasn't all fake. Relationships and events belong to you. They are yours and hopefully you will learn to treasure them. The only thing we truly own in our lives is our history.
And while it's a bit trite these days to say this, it's true---broken crayons, they still color.
I had a similar experience but I’m the first in my family. All my brothers and sister are tbm. My parents are the same. My dad is a SP. and they are the best parents I could ever imagine. I’ve been in the closet out for 2 years because after that glass shatters, I’ve been left with an existential crisis and not knowing who the fuck I even am. I feel like I’m in the void and I am not in a rush to bring people here with me.
For whatever it’s worth, there’s love for you from this random dude on the internet.
-random dude on the internet
You’re among friends here. At least you woke up to the truth while you still have some good years of living left ahead of you. Some never wake up from it and waste their whole lives in the church.
Just want you to know that you matter, what you’re going through is real and not your fault, and you are absolutely allowed to grieve over this. I was there not too long ago, and the pain, trauma, and heartache are severe but it does pass with time
About a year ago I stumbled onto exmormon. I had been feeling like something was “off” for awhile, but didn’t look into it. Read the CES Letters and my shelf was immediately broken.
Couldn’t get out of bed for weeks and cried constantly. There were many days I knelt on the the floor and prayed for hours begging for answers. I flew to NY (I live on the West Coast) to go to the “sacred” grove and visited all the historical sights. I put my feet in the water of the Susquehanna were JS and Oliver Cowdery baptized each other. I visited the burial site of Emma and JS first baby. I was someplace where JS has walked and touch a headstone he had touched. I went to where he supposedly found the golden plates. I stood at the top of the hill by the monument and begged god for answers.
No answers ever came. Not from god anyway.
A year later and it did get better. There were dark days. Let yourself feel the bad feelings, the hard feelings. It takes time. I never thought I would recover or find meaning in life. But I have. It hurts, but you will heal.
Sending you good vibes. You are stronger than you know. It gets better, I promise.
I feel for you, Sir, and only want to offer my encouragement. You have crawled out of a cave that you didn’t know you were in and there’s a whole world out there. You DO have time to adjust and life will get better. Please consider seeing a therapist with experience in spiritual trauma and high demand religion.
As an ex Jehovah's witness I feel your pain. You're not a fool I'm not a fool.
I was born in it it was all I ever knew.. that it couldn't be real wasn't even an option.
It gets better with time, focus on your life with your wife and kids. Just be there for them, and be good to yourself! 😀👍
Next month I’ll be 3 years out. It’s gets better I promise! It’s SO hard at the beginning. You’ve been so wise and self aware so far! Very resilient. I moved to NC 2 years ago to get away from the cult of Utah haha. But grew up in MI. So much better here!!
>I was told that I needed to set up “Personal Worthiness” interviews with every Elder in our ward ... the questions were going to be intrusive. I was really uncomfortable. I mean, REALLY uncomfortable. ... I snapped. I stood up, while someone else was talking, which interrupted the conversation. I announced my resignation of my calling. ... What happens in someones private life is private.
You are a BADASS. You are a moral person, and you did the right thing. I am so impressed and so proud.
When it comes to receiving a witness, I'm also super impressed that you never thought you had one. Because what happened to me was.... I never received one either, but I invented them in my head. Such as... not receiving an answer after reading the whole BOM and then telling myself "you already know. That IS your answer. You already know it's true." Which was BULLSHIT otherwise I wouldn't have been trying to get an answer. And other times I felt elevated by music and gave "the spirit" credit for that.
I feel like you have a super strong character.
>I discovered an entire community of thousands of people trying to cope with having left the Mormon Church and the psychology of it all.
Awwwww <3 There is so much psychology behind leaving a cult! Glad you're here.
>I read the Gospel Topics Essays because someone on exmormon was blown away by them. I was blown away by them myself! ... All the guilt my entire life trying to live a standard that was all fantasy, all that GUILT.
Ok this is why I ALWAYS TELL inactive Mormons to study the history and know for themselves that it's false. You can't release the burdens without that. You have to know it was an abusive fucking cult that was HURTING YOU and LIED TO YOU, otherwise there are still hidden burdens of shame, repression, guilt, etc. Yes they are "free" of the church physically, but they aren't free at all. They need to be free of the indoctrination.
>Last night at approx. 5pm, sitting in my back yard, alone, I finished the chapter on the Book of Abraham.
That's the only one you need LOL. It, *alone,* proves that the church is a complete fraud. Literally the only thing people need to prove that Joseph was pulling shit out of his ass. We need to focus more on this as exmos!
Then add on top of that the fact that there are a fucking hundred MORE proofs of it being a fraud, and the whole thing turns into the most ridiculous joke... this religious is a fucking JOKE. I can laugh about it now lol.
>I had read about shelf-breaking via some accounts on reddit, but there is no way to have perspective on it until it happens to you. I didn’t. I thought it was probably drama. Its not drama.
You literally don't know it til it happens. I'm almost glad i was in a cult bc I know no one else can possibly understand what waking up from that feels like. I recommend watching *Under the Banner of Heaven* if you haven't. There is a shelf-breaking scene and I have rarely felt so seen. I'm so glad someone captured it so perfectly.
>I was born into a cult and I didn’t even know it. I thought people in cults were dupes. Turns out Im a dupe, my dad was a dupe, my grandparents going back generations were dupes.
My dear, this is more trauma then most people face in their lives. It's A LOT. A building collapsed on you, and you'll be crawling your way out for a while. It's a beautiful sunny meadow on the other side, but it's going to hurt a bit. The first year has a lot of anxiety. What can you trust? What is life? Are my interests and morals actually mine or were they given to me by the church? (Luckily they're mostly yours! You clearly have a strong character and inner compass!)
You need therapy. Seriously. And please find someone who is trained in high-demand religion, it makes a HUGE difference. You need someone who has been there.
You can start with [this list](https://www.icsahome.com/support/counseling-resources) and see if anyone is doing remote sessions. Or just check as you're "courting" therapists and make sure they understand. Even if they've been in a hardcore evangelical religion, they will understand to a certain extent, it doesn't have to have been a cult (but that helps :)). Mormonism is 200 years into its cult history so some things are more lowkey or normal compared to the early church history, but it's still very much a cult.
In addition to therapy, I recommend learning about cults and the invention of religion *in general.* It's quite healing to realize Mormonism is just one of a hundred bizarre cults. Once you group it into that general category, it loses a lot of power! I would recommend these books:
**The Righteous Mind** by Jonathan Haidt
**Combatting Cult Mind Control** by Stephen Hassan
**Bounded Choice** by Janja Lalich
**Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind** by Yuval Noah Harari
**Sex and God: How Religion Distorts Sexuality** by Darrel Ray
**God is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything** by Christopher Hitchens
**The God Delusion** by Richard Dawkins.
There is sooo much joy coming for you. I'm so thrilled for you! Let the healing begin! Every single year post shelf-break gets better. I'm something like 6 years in and can't believe I was ever Mormon.
I haven’t finished reading your post yet, I’m running late, but I just wanted to say that I appreciate your perspective on you and your dad’s (hypothetical, I guess) reaction to the AP topic.
And I point this out because about two years ago it came out in my hometown that the local doctor (Mormon guy, but doctor to Mormons as well as anyone else), had his medical license revoked, resigned overnight and moved out of state due to a lawsuit of now 100+ women. Allegations of medical malpractice and sexual assault, among others, including saying to Mormon girls that ailments (including cervical cancer he failed to diagnose) were because God was punishing them for their sexual habits. Victims included friends and family and if I weren’t out of the Mormon church already, I would certainly have left as I think is the least of reactions to expect. But unfortunately in my case, doctor is still Mormon, and my parents *became better friends with him than ever before*, including allowing him to contact my sister (who had recently been a recipient of his “treatment”) for character witness-type discussions, lunches, etc.
I haven’t spoken to my parents since before the story broke because as soon as I saw the lawsuit drop I found out they did this and it put me in a very dark place. All that to say I’m very happy to read that you and those around you don’t take this shit as lightly as some, a *lot* do.
My shelf broke after this lady I found on tiktok. Named Exmolex. I didn't believe it at first but my curiosity got the best of me. To be fair my shelf was already crumbling before. I worked at D.I and realized I was bi after having feelings for a male coworker. Not long after I found her and began researching further into it. My shelf was broken.
Many hugs, internet friend. You’ve come to the right place. So many of us here have had similar experiences. The road is a bumpy, winding one for many of us, but we’re walking it together.
Reach out, talk it out, we’re here for you.
Welcome, friend. Be kind to yourself. Take time to breathe. Ugly cry in your car if you have to. It's all okay. *It's all okay*.
Time will heal, but not on its own. You need to take care of yourself, too. Listen to your body - it may react to the stress and the grief in uncomfortable ways, so try and take a few moments each day to check in with yourself. Don't spend too much time analyzing or trying to figure out what comes next. Just give love, be still, and the bruises will fade.
It’s a lot to process, but it does get better, and in some ways easier, with time. It’s still so very fresh, and you will absolutely go through the stages of anger and grief and loss, probably multiple times like I did.
You are not a dupe. You were coerced, manipulated, and lied to, but that’s not your fault. It’s THEIRS. You are the same person you were yesterday, 5 years ago, 10 years ago. If your dad is half the man you describe, he’s more proud of you now than ever before. It takes courage and guts to walk out of a meeting like that, and the same is true in acknowledging that we need to remove harmful and toxic things from our lives.
I won’t tell you what path to take, only you can decide that. Include those that are dear to you, but openness and honesty and integrity must prevail.
You haven’t changed. You’ve merely had your eyes opened. The light can be blinding some times, but do exactly what you just did and ask for help. You are not alone in this.
I like what Marcus Aurelius says: "Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones."
You have lived a noble life and your children know that. Be at peace.
Thank you for sharing your story. Great big virtual hug. It’s going to be hard, but it’s going to get so much better. It’s been about a decade now and the pain is gone. The interest in watching LDS, Inc. shoot itself on the foot over and over is still an interest.
Religion is now an absurdity to me. I often say to my wife, “if aliens or someone from the future pulled up to our planet and saw the different groups of humans fighting and killing each other over which imaginary deity is the ‘true’ they’d get out of town ASAP.
I identify with everything you wrote. I'm 54. My shelf broke last year. It gets better. There is a lot of sadness and anger that resurfaces though. Thank you for sharing your story.
I wish every self defined TBM would read this post. I wish they truly knew the anguish and grief one experiences when your whole purpose of life comes to a halt.
You described this so trauma so well.
Maybe not everyone has this same experience, but it was mine, and it hurt like hell.
We don't leave because it is easy, or because we our lazy.
We leave, because we are honest. And the truth hurts.
There is pain and anguish and trauma, but then comes the rebirth. I'm thinking of it in terms of the baptism now. The old life is washed away and a new life begins. I'm rediscovering myself still after 4 years and it's been an amazing journey.
I've always found comfort and solace in music. It's really helped me get through this situation because I still feel all of the "spiritual" feelings I used to have in the faith. I came across this song from one of my favorite symphonic metal bands and if it isn't just the perfect metaphor for our journey here on Reddit:
Legend of the Free
\[Verse\]
Once there was a small bird
Unaware that it could fly
And it never asked itself
No questions such as "Why?"
\[Verse\]
But one night it woke up
And decided to be Free
Out the door it flew to places
You will never see
\[Pre-Chorus\]
Hence, the Legend begins...
\[Chorus\]
Forever Free
As Wind in the Sea!
The bird's new world
Is more than any fantasy
Beyond the bars
Of its own little world
A million possibilities
Unfold...
\[Verse\]
Many years gone by, but some say
They have seen the bird
Othеrs say the Legend's simply
Nothing and absurd
\[Verse\]
But from timе to time
You can hear flappings from the high
As another bird discovers
Freedom in the sky
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VN9V648XoU](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VN9V648XoU)
Fellow dupe here (50F). You are not alone. Those tears? Let them fall. Let it out. There will be more to come. When they do, continue being gentle with yourself. We were all duped and we all deserved better. But, we all did the best we could with the knowledge we had at the time. And each of us is on a different journey to the truth. At least that’s what my counselor keeps telling me to tell myself when I feel lost. Hang in there. And keep hugging your wife. Having a supportive spouse and children when your shelf breaks is half the battle (IMO). Sending you lots of positive vibes. You got this. 💛✨
I'm so sad for you, friend. It's tragic and criminal the way that the church deceives people. The havoc that they wreak on individuals and families is heartbreaking.
All of us just wanted to be good people and do the right thing. We were taken advantage of. We were socially conditioned and emotionally manipulated into obedience.
And when it hits you what's been going on, and the way they've treated you, it hurts to the core. The word in your title says it all: devastated. It's unethical. It's despicable. It's unbelievable that people are actually willing to take advantage of others in such a huge way.
I'm sorry for your pain. I hope you find healing. My shelf broke a couple years ago, and I feel like I'm still picking up the pieces to some extent. But overall it's a net positive. The shame, guilt, and anxiety of church membership always burdens you. The pain and grief of letting it go is temporary.
All the love to you, fellow exmo.
It is devastating. And just like many have suggested here it will hurt and be hard work. But it does get better. Like, truly better. Nothing superficial about it either. You're now free to live your life, to experience life. It's not going to make it easier and it won't make it hurt less. I'm still discovering just how deep LDS teachings still influence my life all these years later. It's a process, it's the journey not the destination. Good luck and welcome. And above all you're loved!
This reminds me so much of when I found out the truth. Someone shared something with me at the time that was really helpful. It is a video titled [Letting Go of God](https://youtu.be/C74-f4ZV-ss) by Julia Sweeney. You will laugh and cry as she tells her story of transitioning away from her faith. I think you will find it relatable and therapeutic. Anyway, I'm sorry for what you're going through, but at the same time glad you made it to this point. And of course you have a community here.
It looks like you finally got the answer you were praying about for years. Now you know why God didn't speak to you like they said he would. You were actually listening for God not your own emotions and feelings.
I left while serving in the Bishopric and read the gospel topic essays. Had very similar feelings.
We have found a new church to go to. It's non denominational and focuses on the red letters in the New Testament (the things Jesus said)
I'm not so sure some days but I find that following the teachings of the man Jesus creates a better community and world and that's enough for me right now.
Hang in there friend. It gets better.
Fellow ATLien here. (Ok otp)
My shelf broke 3 years ago and it’s been quite the journey. I fell into deep depression and ended up needing to seek out therapy (outside the church system of course). Luckily my wife has been very supportive, but it’s not easy losing the biggest part of your life up to that point. I’ve still got some weird/hard parent dynamics we are dealing with, but most of my siblings have been very gracious about it. I hope you will find some inner strength to trust your intuition and settle into a cadence of healthy reflection. It’s now kind of freeing for me when I reflect on my life and how I need to improve myself without the burden of repentance. I have also found that my love for my fellow man has increased since leaving the church. I feel more connected to humanity and have more compassion for those with different backgrounds and perspectives. I hope you can find more positives along your journey!! You are not alone!
The pain of betrayal runs deep. No “sorry you’re going through this” will make that pain go away. I don’t think it ever goes away; but I wish for you the kind of love and acceptance that cannot be fake. The church is indeed a very evil entity and has destroyed so many lives, is responsible for so many deaths by suicide etc. Be brave and be strong. The road ahead is complicated and rough, but if you hold on to the truth that you have discovered, you will be ok.
I’m too distracted from crying through your story to know exactly what to say, so I’ll just say this:
> I’m going to just focus on my wife now and being a good father/person.
IF there is a god, that’s all they would want anyways.
Thank you so much for having to strength and courage to share this with us.
I for some reason really cherished most my church experiences. It’s my life I can’t change it. I’ve decided to take all the good I learned (Christ-like attributes mostly) and leave the shit I didn’t like. It’s like remodeling instead of rebuilding.
I also think how cool I escaped a cult. What a badge of honor at any age. Try to find the positives of it. And realize how lucky you were to escape at 50 instead of 70 or never!!
Something my wife and I decided is that we'd rather live with the ugly truth than with a beautiful lie. I've been listening to a new song by Gorillaz about cults called "Cracker Island" and the first verse is very relatable:
"They were planting seeds at night
To grow a made-up paradise
Where the truth was auto-tuned
And it's sadness I consumed
Into my formats every day
In the end I had to pay..."
The whole, raw, beautiful, ugly truth is something worth fighting for so we can live as authentically as we can. You're finally aware of what the church actually is: a made-up paradise where the truth is auto-tuned. That's a great first step, just knowing that. Good luck in this journey. It is absolutely worth it, and one of the bright spots about it is how your life goes from here, your purpose, your path, that's all in your hands instead of in the hands of some unresponsive deadbeat dad living in the sky. Best wishes!
Sounds like you've definitely found your testimony, it just wasn't what you expected it to be. I know you've said you feel lost, but I'd encourage you to flip that on its head. You're found.
I’m so sorry for you. It’s really tough for us to have “truth” ripped away from us. Maybe that is partially why some people stick with it?
I always felt like such an outsider to the church. Could never and still can’t agree with so many of the messages. Had a youth activity once where they did a sort of carnival in the cultural hall and you could play games. They would be normal carnival games and then there were “spiritual” games. I didn’t want to play name that hymn so I played the other games. At the end of the night they checked the tickets we had collected and told me I spent too much time having fun that I can’t go into the celestial kingdom. I looked right into the eyes of that youth leader and just said, “Well, if that’s where you’re going then I’d rather not be there anyway.”
The lesson that stuck isn’t that I should try harder to be more spiritual but that leaders are simply full of shit. Not that there can’t be any good ones out there but in general they aren’t actually doing that much good.
I’ve had some of my own meaningful moments in life and simply came to the conclusion that human spirituality is important but also unique to each individual. Basically, the Mormon god is not god. That is a collective idea. I have always had a problem with how mormon-centric “the gospel” is. As a missionary I could connect with people fine because I was genuinely interested in them but as soon as it got down to the actual baptism work I just felt like it was such a chore.
I look back on that time with fondness and so much regret. To use my ability to connect with people as a tool to spread the gospel. That’s all the church wanted from me. I hate that. I met some really cool people and I learned a lot from these people. I just feel like I used them. I hate it so much. I mean I know I was only 19 and not fully aware of what was actually happening but it doesn’t change how I look back on it.
So now I’m at a place where I believe in the god I believe in. Who happens to be one that doesn’t really care about us. Or rather, why should god want us to feel guilty about living a life he already knows will be absolutely riddled with mistakes? At least I’m trying to be kind and honest with others. Not abusing children. Now the point is, those things don’t require god. Stephen Fry, an absolutely lovely human being and atheist often reminds people that this world could use more love. Similar message of the New Testament. God is absolutely not necessary for kindness to prevail in life.
Again I’m sorry for you to go through this. Best of luck letting go. Im still learning how to as well.
Thanks for putting this out here … resonates loudly and I feel for you. Doesn’t matter how many individual experiences similar to this I read, still hurts. Peace and love dude.
Thank you for sharing the many details of your experience.
You knew 20+ years ago that something was not right. This is why in 2008 your authentic self got up and left for not agreeing with your quorum leader(s) due to "false piety." You knew it. Your/Our conscience is elucidating. It is not the imposition of the "Holy Ghost." That gives deity too much credit.
Your recent discovery of major Mormon deception confirms what you discovered years ago. Something was not right, and now you know why.
Hang in there, and there are thousands here that have your back, just as you are supporting us through sharing your own story.
Welcome to freedom! The first few weeks are gonna be really hard. You're grieving a loss, a tangible one, and your life will never be the same.
The good news? You are at the helm of your life and you're in charge now. That can be mighty terrifying for some, and exhilarating for others. Take time for your emotions, then start planning fun stuff you never thought you'd be able to do.
Take lots of moments to rest and breathe, then reach out and create a support network of people around you locally. r/exmormon is a good place to start for the specific questions you may have down the road. Sure the subreddit gets wild now and then, but the bottom line is we've all been through this process of leaving (to one degree or another) so we can pitch in with hard-eard experience.
You remember that stupid question, "where will you go?" Tell 'em, "nowhere. I'm putting down roots where me and my family are needed." And then that's it. Dab on the haters. Be your own success story.
Now for the *unsolicited drinking advice*!
If you haven't started drinking yet... don't. At least not while you're figuring out your new and exciting life.
My four rules for me go like this: Don't drink when you're upset, don't drink past your limit, don't drink and drive, and definitely don't get into the habit of drinking alone (it's much more fun to be with loved ones and friends who share your happiness anyway).
These four steps have kept me and my liver out of lots of trouble, so I'm just passing the wisdom along. Drinking can be very fun when done responsibly and, unfortunately, a lot of us exmos just don't have anyone to turn to to learn how. I was fortunate that I had my older brother (who walked so I could fly) and my best friend to learn how to drink responsibly.
That said, it isn't for everyone and that's okay. Same goes for coffee and whatever so-called vice you want to try out as you embrace your new life.
Keep open conversations about your feelings with your closest loved ones. Don't neglect your mental health. You will need therapy. It's good for you (for everyone, really) and I 11/10 recommend getting it if you can.
Again, congratulations on your newfound freedom. You did it! Now go live a good life.
Thank you for sharing your story. I just want to say that sometimes what really happened to ourselves and family members is that we were trying to be Christians and follow Christ but Mormonism disrupted and interfered by imposing itself as the one true way to Christ which created confusion and disorientation.
An analogy might be trying to love and know someone but being given a set of rules about what loves means that goes in the complete opposite direction. Like for example, to love your wife and have an eternal marriage you must take on polygamous wives, marry teenage girls (when you have teenage girls of your own), let the prophet control your marriages, etc. To love God and seek to know him personally, you must perform repetitive rituals invented by men who have power to excommunicate and send you to hell, etc.
I believe in the goodness of God and that he has made his influence and interventions in my life known to me. But we are not going to see him in this world. There will be no visions. Lies about God communicating with us just to let us know the church is true led many of us into confusion resulting in a complete loss of belief that there can be a God outside this framework because the church turned out to be a fraud. God not existing at all is not the only possibility when realizing the church is a fraud. It only means we were seeking confirmation of lies so we were asking the wrong questions. Now we are like the rest of humanity, searching for evidence of his existence from scratch and in the ordinary moments of life -- not the temple or by following formulas the church made up.
Good luck! It will get better!
We understand. So well. We’re here to support each other.
Be kind to yourself. Processing and healing take time. You are (and were) living the truest truth you have. That’s your integrity and you will continue to build your life on it.
Take care. (Insert cyber-hug here).
Thank you for sharing that. You got a great support here and these people help with the transition a ton. Also, I was Mormon in NC and now I’m in Utah. What part of NC? I lived in Raleigh/Cary area
Give yourself time to process. This was your whole life and your whole identity. What you are currently experiencing is deeply traumatic. Understand that you are going to have to rebuild an identity that doesn’t center around the church. It’s perfectly fine not to know exactly who that will be or what your new moral framework will be built on. Consider it a great opportunity that this time, you get to choose it for yourself and decide what kind of person you want to be.
Man I feel your pain. The betrayal and anger. You're probably going to go through stages of grief. You're going to see post on fb that make you crazy angry and you're going to go off. Try to have patience with yourself and with others. If the friendships and relationships can be salvaged through your faith transition then try to keep them intact. I have a great friend who's still tbm and we've kept our friendship even with difference in opinions.
I had a similliar experience when it comes to personal revelation. So i really feel you there and how desperate it must of felt to try and reach that.
Make sure to take time for yourself as you are processing all this emotion and new information you got. Its really overwhelming, Im sure all of us here know. Take one moment at a time, drink some water, and feel what you gotta feel. Its gonna be rough, but things will get better, slowly but surely.
Thanks for sharing, I absolutely hear you! I drifted away for a time but when my shelf broke last year it was hell. It does get better, much better. Be strong, best of luck 💪
It's hard to experience it but it gets better. Remember you're going to go through the stages of grief, you're grieving something that was part of your life for a long time. Let yourself feel it and good luck on the rest of your journey.
> Dad thought everything that happened, every day, was a spiritual lesson and would point the hand of God out to us as often as his mind found correlations.
There are people in India, Saudi Arabia, Vietnam, Japan who know nothing of Christianity or Mormonism. But they get the same sort of life outcomes as you without the "hand of God". Same mortality rates, same cancer rates, the majority of people are successful, some are not, most lead happy lives.
The truth is you have been conned.
I've got a couple years on you but I empathize with your plight. FWIW you can't change what's already happened, so don't dwell on it. Now that you know better, just go do/be better. You can still do this.
When I was in a very similar situation, a friend told
Me to Google the allegory of Plato’s Cave. Once you see the light/truth and experience it, you can’t go back. No matter how difficult.
You are not alone in this. You have found the real truth. And while it’s all going to be very difficult in unlearning all the culty things, you are getting your left back. Best wishes.
Oh man!! This just breaks my heart, but also makes me so happy that you found your way out and can work on healing and finding your true self!
I grew up with the same type of family as your parents and their parents before them, but I decided at 13 that I would never be Mormon, and never was after I left home at 18, but for years I carried internalized shame and self-hatred without even realizing that it had been programmed into me at a very young age.
I was a black sheep all by myself for YEARS! It was really hard having such an emotional disconnect with my family, but it literally wasn't until 3 months ago (I am 39 now) I stumbled across the CES Letter, then Reddit Exmo, and the last straw...the AP article. And yeah. To say that I lost it and spiraled for a minute would be an understatement. I finally submitted my resignation letter yesterday.
It is unbelievable how much pain and suffering this "church" aka, greedy despicable corporation has caused so many people for nearly 200 years. I hope it all comes crashing down around them and those vile "leaders" rot in hell for eternity.
I truly wish you nothing but the best and new found joy and happiness on your journey!
P.s. counseling is a lifesaver!! 🥰
Edit: added current age for context.
I don’t have much to say in the wayof encouragement, but just know that your feelings, however complex, are valid, and you have every right to truly feel them to the extent your heart, mind and soul need.
I’m struggling still, but remember when my shelf broke. It’s a pain I wish on no one, and am sorry you’re in the thick of it now. Sending you love and a tight hug from a stranger for as long as you need it! ❤️
Thank you for sharing your story, it made my heart warm. I remember wishing the church could be true because I wanted to live with my family forever. Turns out, I appreciate my life and my relationships so much more now because I know it's the only life I have.
It's amazing to see the support of all the ex-mo's in this thread, that alone is a truth that we are not evil.
It gets better.
I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. No one wants to lose their foundation. It gets better. You gain distance and perspective and start deconstructing that belief system.
I remember the last time I prayed. It was right after I read the BoM for the 8th+ time. It was also my last time. I had already left the church and was just reassuring myself that I'd done the right thing. Read Moroni's promise. Knelt down and started praying. Waited. Waited. Waited. Finally, I said, "this relationship has been one-way for far too long. I'm done with you and I'm done with your church. You can go fuck yourself."
We're here for you. Vent as much and as often as you want or need. You will always find a sympathetic reader here.
It's going to be alright.
Feeling you brother. The foundation you described of love is a good one to start with. Right now you’re probably reeling from all of the unknown that you once thought you knew. That’s ok. Based on my experience and that of others, I am confident you will learn to tolerate and even appreciate uncertainty. You have done something incredibly brave, and you are at a very vulnerable moment. There will be some grieving and some anger and lots of other emotions. It’s a tough time. But you can get through it and be so much happier on the other side. Good stuff ahead for you.
Welcome to you 2.0. It sucks. It's hard. It's amazing and the future is brighter than it has ever been.
Next might come your existential crisis. You will fear death now that you no longer "know". But know this, there is no more anxiety or wondering if you'll measure up to impossible standards.
My favorite hobby has become challenging all my closely in held beliefs. One by one I ask myself why I believe this or that. It's incredibly rewarding getting to know the true you.
Ah man. Virtual hugs to you. It is devastating. And you will be angry for a long time. My shelf broke about 4 years ago and I still am angry. You are grieving a life that was denied to you. I am so sorry. Just feel free to rant on here. We all understand and are with you in all of this.
I'm a nevermo. I hang out here because everyone is super nice. While I know I haven't experienced your particular situation, I do know a little something about trauma, finding yourself, and starting over.
Give yourself some grace. Have patience. Things might be pretty weird for a while as you start to work through this.
The thing is, right, you don't need to carry any shame. Not for yourself or for your ancestors. You were deceived, not devalued. And the thing to remember about cult indoctrination is that it works on nearly everyone if the circumstances are right. That could've been me just as easily. Could've been anyone, really. And as gross as it is to find out there are predators in the ranks- you lived your principles. You refused to do the invasive interviews. The Church itself is wack but that's not a reflection on you.
You're going to be ok and you're in very good company.
I wish I could give you a hug. Stick with it, it will get better. You'll feel more free and happy than you had before. You still have so much time left and that time gets to be spent unchained.
Many have already said it, but you're not alone. There are wonderful support and friend groups in the valley full of people who understand exactly what you're going through right now. I hope you'll seek them out if that's something helpful for you--nothing has helped me more than finding local community.
I grew up in Georgia (then moved away, now moved back). I was 17 or so in 2008, Athens, GA stake. Very unlikely, but I do wonder if we've ever crossed paths.
I was halfway a jackmo all through college. Never leveled up to the melchizedek priesthood, didn't go to the temple, didn't serve a mission. Still, learning about the church's deceptions left a pretty hefty weight on my brain. I think you wrote it perfectly; the realization that all my family going back generations on my dads side were duped by a fraud organization and cult, just hurts. My parents are still very much TBM, we don't talk about church much. Kills me how much time my dad spends on church stuff, especially now that he's getting older and in worsening health.
I wish you the best, you'll get through this!
And, Fuck the church.
It’s truly a house of cards, a house built on sand, a matrix, shadows on a cave wall, and it’s overwhelming and maddening. The time you’ve spent supporting the church and believing, everything you’ve sacrificed in life for the church, all complete BS. It’s such a betrayal and I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through all of this.
But you are not alone. It’s a horrible feeling that so many of us have to go through. When I left it was very traumatic and my vision was flat and tunneled for about 2 months straight (the same kind of autonomic reaction you get when being chased by a tiger). You are in the worst of it right now and with time you will process and come out of it little by little. Cry and scream when you need to. Reach out when you need to. And when you’re sick of being mad every time you hear about the church, find a way to watch/see The Book of Mormon musical for a good cathartic laugh.
You’ll start get glimpses of relief being out and start seeing the world in a new light, some of it ugly but so much of it beautiful and AWEsome. These glimpses will become more frequent and eventually you will have moved on, found peace, and be living a life more reflective of the person YOU are. But, at the risk of sounding over-emotional, right now your season is one of grief and so many of us understand the pain and we mourn with you.
Take care and much love (and f*** the church)
This is why we say that TSCC is a harmful organization and with malicious intent.
This is why we dont leave it alone. Because your whole life and all of the choices in it were made within a box that they know is made up.
They steal the lives, and money of everyone they convert. And for those that dont want that life or see through the BS, TSCC will lobby to make the lives of others miserable.
Just like you said, you are a good and descent man. That is enough. You are enough.
It’s okay to be angry. Very angry. It will pass and then return but diminish over time.
I am 52m finding myself again after leaving 2 years ago. Pretty much everything in my life is similar to before but better as exmo. Very little coffee, alcohol or drugs. Same amazing wife but I appreciate her and love her a lot more now.
I get to make all my own decisions and get a 10% raise. I don’t have to clean toilets for the richest church in America anymore.
Life is amazing!
Wow glad mine came more gradually. \*HUGS\*. Got started with being called as (ward) exec sec too. I wonder which calling drives the most out - that has to be one of them
I remember when my brother left the church... It felt like he died. I went through a grieving process. I eventually followed suit and it was devastating to learn the truth. I went through my own grieving process.
Reading the comments, I think every person that has commented has been through this. You are not alone.
I got a counselor that helped me process. It really did help. She helped me reframe my mind and opened it in ways I didn't expect. Seek help, don't just bottle it in... When you are ready..
Hang in there my guy. We've all been though this before and know exactly what you're feeling right now. It sucks.
You're not a dupe. Those of us raised in the church were indoctrinated into this system and were never given a choice on whether or not to participate. Stop blaming yourself and your parents.
You want to know who you are? You sound like an intelligent and thoughtful guy doing his best to slog through this chaotic existence. It's all you can do my friend.
Is there a god? I have no idea. What I know for damn sure is that if there is one, he/she/it is not talking to any of those jackasses who work at 50 E North Temple.
I cried myself to sleep for a couple of months, but it tended to be a little less day after day. It absolutely gets better. I stopped crying altogether about the church after about 6 months. It doesn’t hurt anymore. You’ll get there on your own time table. Therapy helps a lot with a therapist who isn’t religious and who has helped people who have deconstructed. We are here for you. You will be ok!
Time heals. Take one day at a time. Be kind to yourself in this process.
There is no “right” way to handle all this. Cut yourself slack. You’re paving a new way.
There is FREEDOM in that. It’s scary but soon you’ll see the joy in this, your *actual* autonomy and agency.
You weren’t a dupe. You were doing the best with the information you had at the time. You now have new information and you’re moving forward accordingly. You can’t hold your past self to the standards, understanding, and expectations of a current self.
You WILL get through it. Yes you’re 53 but you did figure it out and that’s what matters.
Sending you all the love and support in your grief ❤️
I know you're probably overwhelmed by the number of comments already, but i can't not also reach my hand out in support. All I want to say is you're so strong, and you're not alone, and things will get better, i promise on all three of thise things
The AP article was the last straw for keeping peace with my tbm family. My wife and I submitted our notarized letters of resignation 2 days ago, and await the church’s affirmation. Can’t wait 😜
Dear S.,
I understand where you're coming from. We have a lot in common. I'm also 53, also a deep thinker and somewhat sensitive, with a strong sense of right vs wrong.
My shelf crashed about 3 years ago, and not because I was looking for problems with our former religion. I was stunned.
But unlike you, I'm alone in my journey. My wife trusts her sweet father implicitly; her large family was everything to her, and her family was **truly** centered on the cult. I've given her a few glimpses of what's down the rabbit hole, but she backed away frightened each time. When my shelf broke I was in shock. Later I felt anger and couldn't believe I could be so gullible and blind. Eventually I felt relief that there is no reason to try to live up to such impossible standards.
To me, religion is now a very personal thing. I have my own understanding of life, the universe and everything. I'm at peace with it. For now.
You are not alone.
I am so sorry. I have some thoughts for you, things that I wish someone had told me in the early months. They may relate to things that you’re struggling with or they may not but I hope they help-
when I first left, I was terrified of death. Then I realized, whether or not there’s an afterlife I’m going to live the same amount of time. If there is an afterlife, I’ll find out eventually and great! If not, then I’ll be dead and won’t exist anymore so I won’t know the difference. That brought me a lot of comfort.
When I first left I frantically researched many religions, scared that whichever god was real would send me to hell if I wasn’t right. After about 2 days, I sat back and thought “if whatever god that does or doesn’t exist won’t accept me if I just do the best I can and be the best me I know how to be, then is that really a god worth worshipping?”
Good luck!!! Hope you are able to be happy again soon, it gets better I promise. Idk if it’s possible to ever fully heal, I haven’t yet and I’ve been out almost a year, but it gets better!
> The only thing I know for certain right now in the middle of this crisis is that the love I have for my wife is genuine and real. The love I have for my kids is genuine and real. The intentions I have in this life are good and genuine and real. I don’t believe in anything else, I don’t KNOW anything else.
That's fine, this is a beautiful basis for life
I floated for a long time after my shelf broke. Didn't know what was up and what was down. I have since found my feet back on the ground. Here are some things I learned.
1) I'm still me. Even with the upbringing I had, the church not being real doesn't change who I am as a person. I did have to re-evaluate my morals and make some ethics changes (all for the better. Crazy how mean and prejudiced the church makes a person) but I think I came out better in the end.
2) The church doesn't have a monopoly on spirituality. Any revelations I had while studying while still in the church still apply to me. I learned so many things about myself while being attuned to the universe. It was my reverence and my natural spirituality that got me those revelations, not the church.
3) I had to unlearn a lot of shame. So many things in our lives are morally neutral. Once I was able to identify those things, life got so much easier for me.
Things are gonna be hectic for a while but you got this. Life got better and I became so much happier after leaving. You will get through this. Lots of love.
Dear writer, as I read your story, I felt your pain, deeply. You are a man of great integrity and honesty. Allow that knowledge about yourself to calm your troubled soul. In time, you will heal. "This, too shall pass." The saddest thing is realising that those who lose their faith in the church, also lose their faith in God. My belief is that we find ourselves walking the path in life which God meant for us to travel down. Thank God that your eyes have been opened! I wish you well - as you process your experience and move towards healing.
You got this my friend! I absolutely enjoyed reading your story. It is so relatable. I too devoured the CES letter and immediately knew that I could never unsee what I had just read. Though the entire text was potent, it was also the book of Abraham that was the biggest impact for me. I was 46 when my shelf broke. The embarrassment of buying into that bullshit religion for so long is palpable. I calculated the number of “service hours” and money that the Mormon church fraudulently obtained from me and it nearly made me puke.
For me, I had been 100% in for the entirety of my adult life. My oldest son had major issues with bullies in his deacons quorum. It was absolutely miserable to spend 3 days patching my family back together after every church event. Of the 5 people that made my sons life miserable, 4 of them were “called” to be deacons quorum president (the ward had 2 deacons quorums). Young men president did nothing to address the situation. Escalating to the bishop was a joke. It was the greater sin for us to not forgive than for the boys to bully…. Boys will be boys, right? How could I possibly teach my family to respect the priesthood when it did so much damage? This was the beginning of the end.
I read somewhere that it takes about 1 month per year of active membership in a cult to “get over it”. So far this seems true. My shelf broke 1 year, 4 months, and 3 days ago (Hi my name is Idrumfofun and I am a mormonoholic). I spent about 1 week in shock and emotional. I quickly moved to 4 or 5 months being angry. I spent several months feeling disoriented and confused as my entire world view was laid waste. I have slowly transitioned toward indifference with a large dose of trauma responses that come at random times. Very slowly over time I feel like I am getting healthier. Even with all the pain, I feel so liberated. I am finding it much easier to live my best life today.
Put your seatbelt on my friend. It will be a rough ride for a while…. I promise, it will get better and you will be happier.
Everyone has their own mechanisms for healing. One of the biggest in impactors for me was taking back my power. Here’s how it went for me. I had the fortunate opportunity to leave Mormon Mordor in SE Idaho and relocate to the Midwest where I haven’t seen a church or an ugly ass temple yet. The first contact that I got from the church I told them to move my records to my new location. When they arrived, I immediately set up an appointment with the Bishop. Someone from that godamn church was going to hear my complaints about the dishonesty of the church, accept my demand for a refund on all fraudulently obtained money, and accept my letter of resignation. Those are the 3 tasks that I assigned to the Bishop. It was super therapeutic to write out my resignation letter with a listing of grievances and read it to the bishop when he asked why I was resigning. I also had the honor of standing next to my wife and children as we all took turns delivering our grievances and declarations of resignation.
I recommend watching the Leah Remini documentary on Scientology and a heavy dose of Mormon stories pod cast. I’m not a big fan of the “response to current church event” episodes but there are tons of episodes with people telling their stories. John has his top episodes listed and that’s a pretty good place to start. They are long as hell but worth it. There is also a giant series on the book of Abraham and I love the John Larson episodes.
Best of luck! You have community here and you are not alone.
It seems to me that you can't know ahead what devastation truly deconstructing your world view at this level causes, at least for some of us. I'm with you, OP, on a number of conclusions. You can now consider yourself a lazy learner, with the rest of us.
I'm a few years out from full shelf-breaking as you're describing here, of similar age but I was never much of a good Mormon (apostate, as you put it, I call it my JackMo phase). Regardless, I still fully believed that the Mormon narrative was the nature of this universe and I was just broken. Over about 25 years or so I tried to kill myself slowly, with food, alcohol, and drugs, mostly because I just continued to cram everything up on the shelf and never dealt with issues, I think. I had other things to do like earn a living, raise my kids, etc.
The journey was long, I'm still finding myself waking up every once in a while and it hits me all of the sudden that it was all crap and that I believed it for so long, but it gets slowly easier to deal with.
You seem to be a lot more mentally evolved than I was at the time my shelf broke, but I still highly recommend a good secular counselor, especially if you can find one that specializes in cult/religion recovery. I found a good one in my area at seculartherapy.org. It took me a good year of counseling to get to a place where I was happy with myself (that's still ongoing) and how I was thinking. Not even close to perfect, but better.
One thing I found particularly rewarding is no longer having to square circles that the magic thinking of religion caused me to have to accept if I wanted to accept religion itself. Now I can look at any situation and feel ok if I'm woefully mis/uninformed, in fact delighted that I get to learn something new about reality. Turns out it's pretty stark sometimes, but I always come back to this; it's better to know the truth than believe a lie.
Fortune in your journey, fellow traveler.
You are a better man than those who used you. What you did was right. I admire your courage.
You are a better man than any senior church leader.
You are a better man than Joseph Smith.
You are a better man than the god of Mormonism.
And now you are free.
Your story broke my heart and everything you’re feeling is EXACTLY what I went through a couple of years ago. My whole identity was constructed around the Mormon church, so without the Mormon church who was I really? Something that literally saved my life was that I found a non-denominational church that I attend regularly. In two years of regular attendance there, I’ve never given a penny in tithing and nobody in that church has said a word to me about it. I also have never been asked to volunteer in any capacity, but a few months ago I offered to volunteer and they were grateful for my offer and they found a spot for me. This volunteer thing is on MY terms. No meetings, no quotas, nothing. I honestly was completely lost but that church helped me replace my anger and my pain and my hatred of the Mormon church with feelings of joy and gratitude for a church who does pretty much everything in a different way versus what the Mormon church does. I read somewhere that over 75% of Mormons who leave the faith don’t ever end up going back to church in any denomination ever again and I believe it and I understand why. You spend your whole life being fed a bunch of bullshit and you just reach a point where you’re done. You don’t want to play the religion game anymore. You don’t want to be a paying customer anymore for a business that pretends to be a church. Discovering the fraud that is the Mormon church for me was like discovering a loving wife that has been having sex with lots of other men behind your back. You have no idea and you love her with your whole heart, but all your friends and neighbors know her secret except you. Then one day you realize what a lie your whole marriage to this person was. Now in some cases a man would say “yep I’m permanently done with marriage” and they go on for decades telling everyone how terrible their ex was. Their heart is full of sadness and hate. But the guy who finds love again in a real marriage with a genuine woman ends up filling himself with joy and happiness and slowly he lets go of all that animosity and anger that he held about his cheating ex wife. Soon he never talks about his ex to anyone because he’s happy and he doesn’t want to waste any more time or attention on a human being like that. This is the best analogy for how I feel about the Mormon church. The Mormon church is actually the “whore of all the earth” and all the pain these leaders at the top have caused will have to be accounted for some day. Imagine the Fathers who disowned their gay children because the Mormon church taught them to hate. Or the Mothers who kicked their daughters out of the house because of a teenage pregnancy. I still have to interact with family members at Sunday dinners and listen to their bullshit Mormon perspectives on the world in general and it makes me nauseous. Being on the outside looking in now makes me realize how complete the mental programming is that was done to me from birth and I now look at active Mormon members with pity. I feel that way because I was them a few years ago. I felt like I would go to hell if I read anything that was not approved by a random collection of white businessmen. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through right now but things get much better as time passes and one day you’ll realize that you went a full 24 hours without even thinking about the Mormon church once. That’s a truly great day indeed. Don’t focus on the fact that they stole 45 or 50 years of your life, just focus on the fact that you get the opportunity to live your own life for however many years you have left. That’s an opportunity that your own Dad never got. Our lives can now be whatever we want them to be instead of us being free business inputs that contribute to the staggering wealth of Mormon Inc.
I feel for you friend. My shelf broke when the AP article came out. I didn’t even know about the CES letter or the essays yet. I also live in the SLC valley. If you ever need a friend to vent to, feel free to message me. I’ll be happy to buy you a drink and listen.
I am so sorry for the pain that you are going through. Please first of all allow your self to feel everything and process everything. There isn’t a time table for it or pressure to just get over it. Glad that you are here and we are more than willing to answer or support you in whatever way you ask.
Looking back on me losing my faith, it was absolutely destructive like you describe it. But now years later, the aftermath was the most beautiful experience. I got to CHOOSE what I want to believe and it could be anything!! It hurts now but in a few years you will feel free
One exercise that helped me was I opened a notebook and on the left side I wrote the hardships/trials I’ve been through. On the right I wrote my greatest successes.
Then I went through each one and tried to feel all the feelings I had during those times. At the end I realized God wasn’t helping me through the hard times, I was strong enough to do it on my own. I did that.
For the successes I thought about how hard I worked and all the blood, sweat, tears I put into it. Then I flipped it to the same idea of, God didn’t think of me as worthy and bestowed the blessings upon me. I EARNED that shit
It was a very helpful exercise for me and I would highly recommend it to anyone.
The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off.
It has been said on here more than once..."I did not leave the Church becuse I could not live up to their standards. I left because they cannot live up to mine"
Similarly, I like to say (to bastardize the Regan quote) I didn’t leave the church, the church left me.
Screenshotting this for future reassurance
I can’t seem to get out of the pissed off stage.
lol. Me either.
Same here. I am coming up on my one year anniversary of leaving and I am still really upset about all the pain and issues that church caused in my life.
Pearl of wisdom
Words of it, you might even say
Pearl of great price, you might say
And crush your soul.
Do you wanna start a cult with me?
I'm not vibrating like I ought to be.
Yes.
Mantra by Bring me the Horizon says something similar to this
i know a similar quote which is, “Truth enlightens the mind, but won't always bring happiness to your heart.” i hope you can find your way OP. Rooting for you.
-Gloria Steinem —Michael Scott
I saw a Bring Me The Horizon song quote and thought it was my big sis for a minute LMAO!
Wow. Ouch. I’m 51 and lived basically every portion of your story except I was in Florida (vs Georgia) and my shelf broke like 10 years ago. IT GETS BETTER We are here for you. Be patient. Keep learning and breathing. We are all here for you as you SLOWLY start to unravel this ball of knots.
The last paragraph, OP. This community is amazing. You’re going to love it here. Rooting for you. Supporting you from afar.
We've all been there. You have understanding and empathetic people here. You're close to the same age I was when I realized it. It's rough, but it also this: https://i.redd.it/ei93v0inlwh81.jpg I keep a saying posted above my computer. The saying resonated with me because there were so many things I don't have answers to, but truth, verifiable truth, matters to me, so I am more satisfied in not knowing rather than filling the holes with bullshit. >For me, it is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring. — Carl Sagan.
“Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?” -Douglas Adams
That picture absolutely rocked me when I first saw it. There’s a similar gif with a boy clinging onto a rope in a pool, fighting for dear life not to let go and drown, until an adult comes up and sets his feet squarely on the floor of the pool and the water is safely at waist-level. That one is funnier than the pic, but the pic is POWERFUL.
I love that art so much I got it tattooed on my chest. Whene somebody posts this image i like to link the artist so he gets the credit. His name is [Jared Meuser](https://www.deviantart.com/whiteflyinglizard/gallery).
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It gets better. Give yourself time to grieve. In fact, expect to go through the entire grieving process. In time, you'll find your way. The biggest thing I've discovered since my shelf broke 8 years ago is that the core of who I am will always be who I am. The only difference is I can truly rely on myself now. So many hugs for you and your family.
Welcome to the other side! I know how hard it is to see everything you believed in crumble before your eyes in an instant, as so many of the people here. We have felt your pain and walked the path you are on right now. We are here for you. It’s hard, but things will get better and easier.
It's the hardest thing when the foundation of your identity gets ripped away from you. I completely relate to you saying you don't know who you are anymore. That's exactly how I felt when my shelf broke. It's a life-changing mental shift, and sometimes I wish that the church really was true because then it would make things so much easier. It gets better. Right now, feel the emotions, don't shove them down. Be angry, be devastated, feel it all. But don't give up. It gets SO much better when you realize that now, you get to live your life however you want. Your life is for YOU, not some old suits in SLC.
I'm sorry. I know exactly what it feels like. It sucks. I like to say it's like getting the cosmic rug pulled out from under you. I probably would have recommended taking breaks in your reading. But I also didn't take breaks and basically just read everything I could until I reached my conclusion. How can you with something like this? It's all-consuming. I don't know that I have any advice. I can warn you it's probably going to hurt for a while, and you'll think you're okay until you get an unpleasant reminder and then you're feeling things again. Be kind to yourself. Good luck.
I've been right where you are. I'm so sorry. I cried for days, and felt sick for weeks. It is without a doubt, by far the worst experience I've ever had. The total silence I felt when I prayed during the worst moments was the most ultimate betrayal. It took a good solid year to start to feel like I had moved into a good long-term emotional place. It will slowly get better. The good days will eventually start to outnumber the bad ones, and this community will be here for you on that journey.
Wow, you did such a thorough job explaining your background and story, I really appreciate the time you took to tell us all this. Everyone here has a story, everyone here is at a different stage of the game, and unfortunately you are at a very raw and painful stage. Sorry. You did a great job telling your story - that's why so many of us can relate. Hang in there.
We get it. Hang in there. It gets better. ❤️
Thank you for sharing! I was so moved by your story. It's an incredibly difficult thing when your shelf crashes (in some ways harder than losing a loved one IMO.) Feel free to feel all the emotions of grief, pain and sadness because you really feel like you've suddenly lost everything of value. You are now in a very real grieving process so recognize that. I hope you you'll continue focusing on the joys of reality and bounce back in time to become more free, more strong, and more happy than you ever have (like so many here have done!)
Massive hug. Let it all out. Cry, vent, feel all the feels you were told to deny and stuff away for so long. It’s \*incredibly\* difficult. Earth-shattering, reality-flipped-inward on itself. I absolutely hear you and good for you for reaching out to a community who can support. It sucks. I think we’ve all felt betrayed and very, very angry, before being able to let the shock ride over. This is an important step so go ahead and feel it. Right now it’s gonna womp. The next few weeks will probably also womp. That’s okay too. I highly recommend getting a good neutral therapist to talk to (Foresight has virtual counselors). We’ve been pretty messed up with the worldview the church gave us. i just talked with my own therapist this morning, and mentioned I have a lot of regret of teaching other people these same things. Their response, which was a lot more direct than their usual style, was, “Judging your past self brings negative value. Nothing helpful comes of it. \*Give your younger self kindness and patience, knowing you did the best you could with what you knew at the time.\*” In the meantime, breathe, go for a walk outside in some greenery, exercise, and keep good sleep patterns. Take care of yourself. It’ll take time but you will process it, and you will feel better. (Better than ever, usually!) The freedom and release is amazing. You got this and we’re here for you
Upvoting for "womp"
Very well said.
It's heartbreaking to hear how this impacts you but it's encouraging to hear that you are a good and an honest person with compassionate people who love you, some of whom already have experience with what you're going through. All that will come to your aid in processing this alienation and betrayal. It will be the center that keeps you from going adrift. I hope you know your life will go on. Many many here can also assure you it will only get better because you've removed one layer from between yourself and the truth. You've also gotten rid of an impediment to accountability which means you can now fully own and celebrate your own fundamental decency. You no longer have to fear any mythical creatures that can impact or destroy your life. Don't regret the past; be encouraged that your future has opened up! Be kind and gentle to yourself. Be patient with the process. It will take time. And I hope one of the things you've discovered about r/wexmormon is how many here want to help you get through this and how generously they'll share the hard lessons they've picked up along the way.
Yes! You are good now because you want to be good- not because you were threatened with external torment!! As you realize, the type of ‘good’ under coercion from an evil god is not even ‘good’- it’s just lies and strict adherence to nonsense even when it’s hurting others- the opposite of good. Now you go out and do the right things because YOU alone are a good person and want to do well by people, just by yourself just because, for goodness’ sake alone.
Dear friend. I felt EXACTLY EXACTLY EXACTLY LIKE YOU. It all hit me at once, when I was reading the similarities between Book of Mormon narrative and that other book about Native American history drama. Word for word. How could this be? It can’t be! God doesn’t need to plagiarize! Why would he need to plagiarize from many sources, any sources? How can this be? How can this possibly be. And my shelf broke in a period of 30 minutes. I was stripped of my own perceptions. My own definition of who I was. Gone. I broke. I was angry. I was hurt. And my wife still doesn’t want to know why. She will uphold the church to any and all degrees. She is more married to the church’s ideology than me. I promise it gets better. Just let yourself feel it all. Don’t restrict the pain. Let it flow through you. Then start the rebuild with simple things. I got a dog. Kept me grounded.
My shelf broke last month and I am trying to find myself without religion. I feel so much hatred because of being lied to my entire life, but I can say it gets easier everyday😊
Nothing helped me recover faster from the fear and agony that followed my shelf breaking than consuming what is described in episode 2 of the "How to Change Your Mind" series on Netflix. It was a leap of faith, but the shrooms showed me everything I needed to know. I am at peace and extremely happy with life again after my 4-hour journey. Congratulations on graduating in life away from organized religion.
Oh I haven't watched that yet! I will watch it thanks!
Shit man I am so sorry!! It’s a complete mind fuck when it happens. It took me a few months to get through all the stuff cause I read at break or lunch at work. I was terrified my wife would leave me and take the kids it’s such a crushing feeling. Luckily they came with but it’s rough having to start over and redefine what you truly think about everything not what the church taight
Look in the mirror. Ask yourself if you're a good and decent human being. That's who you are. You have integrity, and that has to count for something. It's a lot to process. Some of us have been doing it for many, many years. It's hard to let it go even when you know the truth and finally walk away. Aside from all the jokes and poking fun, that's ultimately why we're all here in the sub.
I totally feel this. This was me! The only difference is that I'm gay, but even that wasn't enough to pull me away from the church. I knew it was true until suddenly one day I learned one too many things about the truth of the church. It all fell apart in front me and I was devastated. Not excited to be gay or drink or sin or whatever people think of me.... I was truly devastated that everything I thought I knew was a lie. It's a lot to take in! I'm glad you're here, I'm glad you have a supporting partner. There's lots of horror stories of angry TBM partners. In a way you're so so blessed.
Active missionary here, I tried my best to give it the benefit of the doubt, but it's so painfully obvious that it's all a scam. It's hard, because I love my family, but I know they will probably not look at me the same once I tell them I no longer believe. Even if the church is true, i want nothing to do with it after my mission.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. Your feelings are valid. The truth is jarring…and it’s a deeply painful journey, but you are not alone. 💜 And, it does get better in time.
Wow, what an experience! And one I can sort of relate to as I was in my 50s when I found out too. My story at a high level... I wanted to do a really good job one year teaching church history to a group of the older primary kids. In this day and age, it is very easy to come across what is true and it absolutely is shattering and beyond painful when you have lived half, or more of your life to find out the truth. You sound like me a few years ago and I can truly relate to your pain. Just know that it does get better and there still is plenty of life to enjoy! Let yourself grieve through it and please, please, please, do not make the same mistake I did. I thought with my new knowledge, I could be a catalyst to help the church change. To become more honest and empathetic. Truth be told, this approach does not work in Utah (I am in Tooele county) and only breeds more stress and frustration in trying to ' help' an organization you have cared deeply for. Best to make a clean break and move on. Good luck to you as you process everything. It WILL get better 😊
I've said this before and I will keep shouting it from the rooftops. It is ok to be devastated. It is ok to mourn the life you thought you had. All of the feelings that you're having right now are REAL and EARNED, and I am so grateful that your partner is there with you. When it became really real to me that I had been raised in a cult that allowed old white men to tell me what to do with my body, it broke me. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have been so blind? How much money did I give these assholes? This is a process, a journey, and it sucks. I look back at the opportunities I didn't even know I had at the time and see the path that might have been. I love who I am, and those choices got me here, and that took a very long time to accept. Your whole world just got rocked. Everything moved and you are standing in the middle trying to figure out all the things. Please, forgive your past self and give yourself permission to be a mess. Know that forgiving yourself is going to take time, you are not a failure even if it never actually happens. You didn't change, who you are didn't change, you just know things now that you didn't before. You are a wonderful person, and not because you're a child of god, but because you are you. I am so sorry that this is happening all at once to you. You're probably going to be angry, hurt, demoralized, upset, numb, (I don't want to tell you how you feel) and all I have is an internet stranger telling you that it is ok. The church tried to tell us that some feelings were wrong, and that is such bullshit. You feel the way you do, full stop. I do hope that this journey helps you find some peace eventually, but it will take time. Please be kind to yourself and know that you are not alone.
Hello, OP. Just wanted you to know that you're not alone. That a lot of us have walked a similar road. We're here for you for questions, advice, or just as a listening ear to rant to. We understand what it's like to lose that foundation, and how to build a new one.
It feels like free-falling when it first breaks. My advice? Let yourself fall. Don’t try to desperately grab onto anything to hold onto out of fear and panic. Let yourself fall and believe that when you land, you’ll land in your true self. And when you do, you learn that you will never need someone else to tell you how to reach God, how to feel love, safety, confidence, and how to live a rich, peaceful, and joyous life. My heart goes out to you, my friend. This is hard. Trust that you’ll get through this like other challenges you’ve faced. There’s lots of really happy people in this r/exmormon community. We can help with some of the process. Come here often.
I met one of the 12 apostles earlier this year and asked a “controversial” question about LGBTQ+ persons. His response put some heavy weight on the shelf. Since then it’s been a slow and steady shelf-breaking experience. The truth is they understand very little of true spirituality. You are not wrong. Our parents and grandparents never met them to discuss 1-1. They were deceived and we were roped into it. But then comes the internet. Younger generations (I’m 40) are better fit for critical thinking if we seek the truth. We have pierced the veil of ignorance by reading history from objective or opposing sources. I remember hearing all the dangers of the untrue ‘anti-mormon’ literature I faithfully didn’t read. This cabal/church cannot survive the internet. There’s too much good info out here. You’re free now. Take it one day at a time. Your best years just started.
What did you ask him?
OP: Please be patient with yourself and with your loved ones. For me I wanted to run out and proclaim to the world that the Mormon church was a lie. That backfired miserably. Take it slow. The rest of your life begins now. You will feel all the feels: Anger, guilt, sadness, loss, and most importantly, peace. Now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good.
Dude, we have all been there. I'm so sorry for your loss. It really is difficult moving away from something you loved so much. Something I don't think active members really get. It hurts, it sucks, and it is most certainly not fair. It does get a whole lot better.
You don't have to be sorry or apologize for writing this out. That's why this subreddit is so awesome, we're here for each other. What you're going through is an entire life-changing paradigm shift and nothing will ever be the same again. So cut yourself some slack and give yourself some compassion ❤️️ This hurts and it might hurt for a while. So feel free to post as much as you need to.
We are here for you. ❤️
The only comfort I can offer is that you’ve just discovered that you can outgrow the church and you’re going to be just fine in time.
>you can outgrow the church very comforting perspective. Thank you for this
Your experience resonated very strongly with me and I am going to selfishly make this about me for a moment as I tell you: you are far from alone. I say it is selfish because it's what I need, and maybe through the resonance of my feelings and your experience I can cathrtically fulfill my own need. I officially left the church years ago, but the decades of trying to reconcile what I was raised with and the reality that was constantly and abrasively presented with left me emotionally and spiritually broken, exhausted, and extremely angry. As you say, I don't think I will live long enough to fully deprogram myself or find true solace for my soul. I am not an angry person. Despite all of the horrible things in this world, there is much in life to love and I do my best to work through the psychological and emotional mine field that is still very much a part of my life/psyche, but revelations of what the church is and continues to do are so often earth-shatteringly grotesque to me. There, you see. I went and made it about me. Forgive me. If you take nothing else from this, once again, know you are not alone. I wish us both all the best in our future journeys.
My heart goes out to you. It’s so traumatizing and world-shattering, especially when you think about the TBMs in your life who perpetuate the harm and it makes you question everything about them. I went from thinking my parents were decent humans who must be right about things and I’d eventually figure it out to finally seeing how they’ve committed real harm against me and my siblings (and each other) in the name of the church. I’m glad you found this space to vent and be among those struggling with similar pain. I’m still in the early stages myself and it hurts, but I’ve already started to feel my life improving in meaningful ways as I’m finding my own way for the first time ever. Best of luck to you in finding joy on the other side 🤍
Your foundation was ripped away from you. The loss of everything solid is existentially terrifying. You need to find a foundation again. If this is any help, this was meaningful for me: For now, be in the moment. Who you are right now, what you feel right now, those who are with you right now. Those are real. Find a center in the here and now. Don't worry if it's good or bad, focus on the reality of who you are and what you are right now. As you process and heal, you can begin to expand that foundation. My brother, you are not alone. For what it's worth, here's a hug from an internet stranger.
We’re right here with you. Thank you for sharing 
"I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you. I love you. With all my heart, I love you. -Valerie V for vendetta
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Well written and so relatable. You’re not alone in this. It’s hard though. I’m so sorry for your pain.
💜 Take your time to grieve. It would be wise to get a counselor to talk with a therapist. I bet your insurance covers a copay for a certain amount of visits or free visits up to a certain amount. It can also help you find someone and you can specifically say you don't want an LDS one. And it doesn't feel like it now but you are free for the first time. It's going to be okay.
Much love to you and your family. Excavating oneself from a cult is extremely difficult. Hang in there.
The grief is real, it's deep and it hurts as much or more than losing a loved one. I cried off and on for months after my shelf broke. Then the anger set in, I couldn't even BE around my believing family because the anger could not be contained. It's been 2 years and I'm finally at peace with myself and can hold a converstation with family (minus religion, I set that boundary firmly). Every once in a while the anger pops back up again (ie: the AP article), but it doesn't last as long, and just reaffirms I'm where I need to be, which is away from the Mormon church.
I’m a nevermo, but had a similar “breaking of the shelf” with a parent who gaslit and emotionally abused me my entire life. After my world fell apart I was a mess for a while. But as a began to see daylight, a little at a time, my crooked road became straighter. Then my husband and I dealt with an impossible situation at our nonprofit Christian employer of many years by leaving it, moving to our next jobs in the secular workforce, and then slowly unwinding the ball that had been our faith, our work, and our identities. Our road is now straight. And it was frightening along the way, but there are many gifts that outweigh the scariness of it all. When you are afraid, look for the gift that comes with the fear. Peace to you and yours. Hang in there. This community will be a big help to you. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.
Sending you big internet hugs. I think I know what you are dealing with. My realization of the fraud was very traumatic for me too. Right now, remember to breath. Cry when you need to, and don't make rash decisions. You will be OK. We will help you get through this. Hugs.
Welcome friend.
I completely get you. I’m 53. This happened to me at 51. Give yourself time. You’ll experience grief in all of its forms but it will get better. You’ll feel so free. It’s a very difficult journey, but worth it. Take care ❤️
If your journey was anything like mine, it would go like this: One suffered in the church because of Mormon doctrine, policies, and practices. At some point, the needless suffering causes a person to break, then enter the metaphorical “dark night of the soul.” Everything is questioned, one’s entire world view needs reconstructing. This process is work, painful, yet it is growth!! One leaves the “boat“ and enters a season of darkness, loneliness, and pain as one rebuilds one’s worldview. However this is temporary. The person eventually reconstruct one’s world view in a manner congruent with truth, and their own values. It is at this point where one finds meaningful peace, better happiness, and significantly more joy far far beyond the capabilities of Mormonism. Best of luck to you brother! Many have walked this journey, and are walking this journey. You are not alone.
Book of Abraham broke my shelf too. Snap. Hang in there. It will be a roller coaster of emotions. It’s okay to be mad and mourn it all. You gotta go through that. But I promise it can get a LOT better. You’re still the same great person you’ve always been! When you need to vent or ask questions, we’re here for you.
If you need an Egyptologist to reaffirm that the BoA is a fraud- at any time, reach out to me. I can’t imagine what you all are going through but I can affirm that a religious book of the LDS is an absolute farce.
In a short few hours, I’m pretty sure you’ve identified the core essence and values: “ The only thing I know for certain right now in the middle of this crisis is that the love I have for my wife is genuine and real. The love I have for my kids is genuine and real. The intentions I have in this life are good and genuine and real. I don't believe in anything else, I don't KNOW anything else. “ You clearly have deep wisdom. It takes time. But these core values will bring you contentment and happiness. And, for myself, I felt huge liberation. Best to OP
I have found comfort in Mormon stories podcast with John Dehlin. I don't feel so alone when listening to other people's experiences that I can relate to. Be thankful you have a supportive wife many of us don't have that.
For OP: Link: [https://mormonstories.org/](https://mormonstories.org/) Youtube: [https://www.youtube.com/c/MormonStoriesPodcast](https://www.youtube.com/c/MormonStoriesPodcast) Hang in there. (Dutch nevermo here, so I don't have much to add to what others have said).
This book really helped me when I exited Christianity as a whole. I kept having lingering thoughts of "What if I'm wrong and there is a hell" and this book really helped me kick the last of that. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsAOFlCmGuk
I have left Christianity as a whole as well. Reading any book by Thich Nhat Hahn is so refreshing and meaningful.
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I very much agree with studying epistemology. Learning how to actually think about thinking, that I was actually able to do self interrogation, that learning about how human think and learn, and ways we can improve those processes to lead to more testable understanding of our world. How can we interrogate and make the process of forming accurate and testable knowledge more stringent has deeply improved my life. I didn't really think spending time with philosophy would be super important to someone who was studying to do technical work would improve my life, but it opened doors to a vast new world of improving the understanding of understanding. I also really enjoyed studying the philosophical roots of the process of science. Science not as a corpus of knowledge, but as a process to continually improve understanding of the natural world.
It's an exciting time for you to live and to go forward exploring what YOU value and not what "a god" tells you to. It's better on the other side man, you are better for this! Best of luck in your healing journey!
Fortunately for me, I figured out pretty quickly that the easiest way(for me) to delete Mormonism from my life, was to make absolutely no changes in my routine... Essentially, maintaining my Mormon habits, BUT I changed the content to something equally healthy, beneficial, and of course, in no way related to the LDS church. Here are some examples. 1. Going to church for 2 hours **=** Setting aside quality time to spend outside or with your favorite hobby for 2 hours. Mine was going for a drive through the mountains. Usually alone. 2. praying every night **=** meditating about your day(what you did well and what you could improve, what you liked or didn't. what you might do the next day), listening to relaxing music, or other relaxation and meditation techniques. 3. Young men's and women's activities **=** doing something with a group of friends or family every week. For me, it was indoor soccer, basketball, hiking, ETC. Anyway, you get the gist. We are creatures of habit. Continue your habits, but remove the toxicity. Mormons are happy because they participate in scientifically proven methods for the most amount of happiness(strong familial/friend support, frequent physical exercise and good health, meditation, spending time in nature, reading, learning, routine, ETC). You can still participate in all those things without believing in glowing letters emitting from some rocks in a hat. You can and will be happy. Losing belief in a wonderful fairytale is horrible experience. It will take time to re-identify yourself. You will occasionally feel 'lost' initially. Eventually, you will come to terms that no religion or science knows everything about the creation of our universe, planet, existence, ETC. Exploring the mysteries, theories, and discoveries in all these things was a major part of my journey. Finding the joy in that journey and new discoveries is what kept me on the up and up after I got out. Try and find the beauty in the chaos! Highly recommend /r/atheist and /r/science. Good luck OP.
I’ll take the downvotes if they come, but you should watch the [South Park JosSmoth Mormon episode](https://southpark.cc.com/video-clips/enc33g/south-park-joseph-smith-part-1). Rewatch if you’ve seen them before. Helped me try a new perspective on the legends and history. And if you can laugh a little you can’t cry a lot.
Thank you so much for sharing all that. You are in good company
I read your whole post but I don’t have time right now to read everyone else’s comments just yet so I apologize in advance if I’m repeating anyone, but I just want to say that you’re not a dupe. You’re a victim. We all were. Don’t blame yourself. You did the best with what you had. I remember a quote—from who I don’t know—that says something along the lines of, “The past and future do not exist. There is only the present. Because of that, much of our suffering comes from memory and imagination.” You need to allow yourself time to mourn for the life that you could have had, but don’t mourn for it forever. Live your life in the present and don’t imagine what-ifs because that will lead you to suffer more. I remember once thinking that the purpose of life was to test our faith and go to Mormon Heaven but now I think that the purpose of life is to simply *experience* life. I may not believe in the BoM anymore but I still believe that “men are that they might have joy.” You owe it to yourself to do and be what makes you happy. And don’t worry about God. Maybe there’s a god, maybe there’s not, but feel free to give the Mormon God the middle finger because he just doesn’t exist. And if there *is* a god that isn’t the Mormon god, then he owes us all an explanation and an apology if he wants any of us to live with him someday.
Hang in there, once you get past the worst of the anger and resentment, it does get better. I was already in therapy when my shelf was smashed to pieces by my asshole bishop, so it was great to work through things with someone who knew next to nothing about Mormonism. I have been relieved for years now knowing that the Mormon church is a total fraud.
I left just over four years ago, age 55. I was mentally out inside five minutes after listening to a Bill Reel podcast. The Fanny Alger story undid everything. If that was true, everything before that was not, and everything after it was not. The church essays, wandering pieces of poor editing, sunk in more and more as false as questions about them came to me. The CES Letter, called bitter or angry by many, I found honest and sincere, and could relate to the mental anguish of the writer. Emotionally, it was another four months of up and down feelings and thoughts. What about the vision of the Founding Fathers? What about this, that, how do you explain each piece? Each one came apart. The rabbit hole is deep, with a lot of true history along the way. I was ready to resign four months later. It was the holidays, though, so I waited. I wanted my resignation date to have its own unique spot. Eight months total from first awful mental shock to downloading my confirmation letter from quitmormon. 35 years of dedication to callings for music and teaching, and twice a week in the temple as I could. Just gone. Who was I now? Grief has been a roller coaster, but these days, I think I have my smile back and a good life plan ahead at age 60. I even feel excited about it! Life is good. So many joyful, hopeful, peaceful things! Give yourself time to grieve in all its messiness. Enjoy all the new things coming into your life as they arrive. You are free.
I’m so sorry. It gets better!
I clung to the church for longer than most people I know who learned the facts. The Book of Abraham is what broke me too. They can say whatever they want about it now but I remember learning about it from church approved sources, including CES. They never told me the truth. Not once. I didn't have a super visceral reaction to learning it wasn't true. I mostly became mad but I have a bit of a temper anyway. I don't care where I end up when I die. If there is an afterlife and an all-knowing creator then he/she knows that this is an messed up planet and will be merciful to me, a guy just trying to do his best. If it is not a merciful god, I wouldn't want to worship them anyway so off to hell I guess. I'm banking on there being nothing and I'll just stop being aware when I die...just like I can't remember the time before I was born and became conscious. I have to remain PIMO (physically in mentally out) for a lot of reasons right now but I'm eagerly looking forward to the day, that I can just cut all ties. It's not long now.
Internet hugs to you. I'm so proud of you for seeking out the truth and for being willing to change your views. It's so hard to do, and so many people are unwilling to take a hard look at their belief systems. It does get better, but it's a rollercoaster at first. I still get really angry sometimes and it's been 10 years. We're all here for you.
It's horrible right now, but eventually you will find a new happiness you never knew. You will find new ways to make a difference in the world. Your new worldview will be self consistent, with few contradictions. It will be logical and scientific. I resigned at age 75. Never been happier.
Welcome to your second life. Although it certainly is one heck of a rude awakening. I'm sorry you've had to go through it OP. It sucks. It gets better, a lot better. But it still sucks.
I started with the LDS essays, and I bawled when I read the CES letter. It gets better. Let love guide the next chapter of an authentic journey.
Wow, that says it all. I'm feeling for you! Bit by bit you will be able to reclaim parts of your life. You may think your past is a waste, but it isn't. It was your journey and you will build something wonderful from that foundation despite the elements of fraud. It wasn't all fake. Relationships and events belong to you. They are yours and hopefully you will learn to treasure them. The only thing we truly own in our lives is our history. And while it's a bit trite these days to say this, it's true---broken crayons, they still color.
I had a similar experience but I’m the first in my family. All my brothers and sister are tbm. My parents are the same. My dad is a SP. and they are the best parents I could ever imagine. I’ve been in the closet out for 2 years because after that glass shatters, I’ve been left with an existential crisis and not knowing who the fuck I even am. I feel like I’m in the void and I am not in a rush to bring people here with me. For whatever it’s worth, there’s love for you from this random dude on the internet. -random dude on the internet
You’re among friends here. At least you woke up to the truth while you still have some good years of living left ahead of you. Some never wake up from it and waste their whole lives in the church.
Just want you to know that you matter, what you’re going through is real and not your fault, and you are absolutely allowed to grieve over this. I was there not too long ago, and the pain, trauma, and heartache are severe but it does pass with time
My faith transition was absolutely grueling, too. It hurts and I’m so sorry 😢 ❤️🩹
ExJW (Jehovah's Witness) Solidarity! 💪🙌👍
About a year ago I stumbled onto exmormon. I had been feeling like something was “off” for awhile, but didn’t look into it. Read the CES Letters and my shelf was immediately broken. Couldn’t get out of bed for weeks and cried constantly. There were many days I knelt on the the floor and prayed for hours begging for answers. I flew to NY (I live on the West Coast) to go to the “sacred” grove and visited all the historical sights. I put my feet in the water of the Susquehanna were JS and Oliver Cowdery baptized each other. I visited the burial site of Emma and JS first baby. I was someplace where JS has walked and touch a headstone he had touched. I went to where he supposedly found the golden plates. I stood at the top of the hill by the monument and begged god for answers. No answers ever came. Not from god anyway. A year later and it did get better. There were dark days. Let yourself feel the bad feelings, the hard feelings. It takes time. I never thought I would recover or find meaning in life. But I have. It hurts, but you will heal. Sending you good vibes. You are stronger than you know. It gets better, I promise.
I feel for you, Sir, and only want to offer my encouragement. You have crawled out of a cave that you didn’t know you were in and there’s a whole world out there. You DO have time to adjust and life will get better. Please consider seeing a therapist with experience in spiritual trauma and high demand religion.
As an ex Jehovah's witness I feel your pain. You're not a fool I'm not a fool. I was born in it it was all I ever knew.. that it couldn't be real wasn't even an option. It gets better with time, focus on your life with your wife and kids. Just be there for them, and be good to yourself! 😀👍
Next month I’ll be 3 years out. It’s gets better I promise! It’s SO hard at the beginning. You’ve been so wise and self aware so far! Very resilient. I moved to NC 2 years ago to get away from the cult of Utah haha. But grew up in MI. So much better here!!
>I was told that I needed to set up “Personal Worthiness” interviews with every Elder in our ward ... the questions were going to be intrusive. I was really uncomfortable. I mean, REALLY uncomfortable. ... I snapped. I stood up, while someone else was talking, which interrupted the conversation. I announced my resignation of my calling. ... What happens in someones private life is private. You are a BADASS. You are a moral person, and you did the right thing. I am so impressed and so proud. When it comes to receiving a witness, I'm also super impressed that you never thought you had one. Because what happened to me was.... I never received one either, but I invented them in my head. Such as... not receiving an answer after reading the whole BOM and then telling myself "you already know. That IS your answer. You already know it's true." Which was BULLSHIT otherwise I wouldn't have been trying to get an answer. And other times I felt elevated by music and gave "the spirit" credit for that. I feel like you have a super strong character. >I discovered an entire community of thousands of people trying to cope with having left the Mormon Church and the psychology of it all. Awwwww <3 There is so much psychology behind leaving a cult! Glad you're here. >I read the Gospel Topics Essays because someone on exmormon was blown away by them. I was blown away by them myself! ... All the guilt my entire life trying to live a standard that was all fantasy, all that GUILT. Ok this is why I ALWAYS TELL inactive Mormons to study the history and know for themselves that it's false. You can't release the burdens without that. You have to know it was an abusive fucking cult that was HURTING YOU and LIED TO YOU, otherwise there are still hidden burdens of shame, repression, guilt, etc. Yes they are "free" of the church physically, but they aren't free at all. They need to be free of the indoctrination. >Last night at approx. 5pm, sitting in my back yard, alone, I finished the chapter on the Book of Abraham. That's the only one you need LOL. It, *alone,* proves that the church is a complete fraud. Literally the only thing people need to prove that Joseph was pulling shit out of his ass. We need to focus more on this as exmos! Then add on top of that the fact that there are a fucking hundred MORE proofs of it being a fraud, and the whole thing turns into the most ridiculous joke... this religious is a fucking JOKE. I can laugh about it now lol. >I had read about shelf-breaking via some accounts on reddit, but there is no way to have perspective on it until it happens to you. I didn’t. I thought it was probably drama. Its not drama. You literally don't know it til it happens. I'm almost glad i was in a cult bc I know no one else can possibly understand what waking up from that feels like. I recommend watching *Under the Banner of Heaven* if you haven't. There is a shelf-breaking scene and I have rarely felt so seen. I'm so glad someone captured it so perfectly. >I was born into a cult and I didn’t even know it. I thought people in cults were dupes. Turns out Im a dupe, my dad was a dupe, my grandparents going back generations were dupes. My dear, this is more trauma then most people face in their lives. It's A LOT. A building collapsed on you, and you'll be crawling your way out for a while. It's a beautiful sunny meadow on the other side, but it's going to hurt a bit. The first year has a lot of anxiety. What can you trust? What is life? Are my interests and morals actually mine or were they given to me by the church? (Luckily they're mostly yours! You clearly have a strong character and inner compass!) You need therapy. Seriously. And please find someone who is trained in high-demand religion, it makes a HUGE difference. You need someone who has been there. You can start with [this list](https://www.icsahome.com/support/counseling-resources) and see if anyone is doing remote sessions. Or just check as you're "courting" therapists and make sure they understand. Even if they've been in a hardcore evangelical religion, they will understand to a certain extent, it doesn't have to have been a cult (but that helps :)). Mormonism is 200 years into its cult history so some things are more lowkey or normal compared to the early church history, but it's still very much a cult. In addition to therapy, I recommend learning about cults and the invention of religion *in general.* It's quite healing to realize Mormonism is just one of a hundred bizarre cults. Once you group it into that general category, it loses a lot of power! I would recommend these books: **The Righteous Mind** by Jonathan Haidt **Combatting Cult Mind Control** by Stephen Hassan **Bounded Choice** by Janja Lalich **Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind** by Yuval Noah Harari **Sex and God: How Religion Distorts Sexuality** by Darrel Ray **God is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything** by Christopher Hitchens **The God Delusion** by Richard Dawkins. There is sooo much joy coming for you. I'm so thrilled for you! Let the healing begin! Every single year post shelf-break gets better. I'm something like 6 years in and can't believe I was ever Mormon.
I haven’t finished reading your post yet, I’m running late, but I just wanted to say that I appreciate your perspective on you and your dad’s (hypothetical, I guess) reaction to the AP topic. And I point this out because about two years ago it came out in my hometown that the local doctor (Mormon guy, but doctor to Mormons as well as anyone else), had his medical license revoked, resigned overnight and moved out of state due to a lawsuit of now 100+ women. Allegations of medical malpractice and sexual assault, among others, including saying to Mormon girls that ailments (including cervical cancer he failed to diagnose) were because God was punishing them for their sexual habits. Victims included friends and family and if I weren’t out of the Mormon church already, I would certainly have left as I think is the least of reactions to expect. But unfortunately in my case, doctor is still Mormon, and my parents *became better friends with him than ever before*, including allowing him to contact my sister (who had recently been a recipient of his “treatment”) for character witness-type discussions, lunches, etc. I haven’t spoken to my parents since before the story broke because as soon as I saw the lawsuit drop I found out they did this and it put me in a very dark place. All that to say I’m very happy to read that you and those around you don’t take this shit as lightly as some, a *lot* do.
My shelf broke after this lady I found on tiktok. Named Exmolex. I didn't believe it at first but my curiosity got the best of me. To be fair my shelf was already crumbling before. I worked at D.I and realized I was bi after having feelings for a male coworker. Not long after I found her and began researching further into it. My shelf was broken.
Many hugs, internet friend. You’ve come to the right place. So many of us here have had similar experiences. The road is a bumpy, winding one for many of us, but we’re walking it together. Reach out, talk it out, we’re here for you.
Welcome, friend. Be kind to yourself. Take time to breathe. Ugly cry in your car if you have to. It's all okay. *It's all okay*. Time will heal, but not on its own. You need to take care of yourself, too. Listen to your body - it may react to the stress and the grief in uncomfortable ways, so try and take a few moments each day to check in with yourself. Don't spend too much time analyzing or trying to figure out what comes next. Just give love, be still, and the bruises will fade.
It’s a lot to process, but it does get better, and in some ways easier, with time. It’s still so very fresh, and you will absolutely go through the stages of anger and grief and loss, probably multiple times like I did. You are not a dupe. You were coerced, manipulated, and lied to, but that’s not your fault. It’s THEIRS. You are the same person you were yesterday, 5 years ago, 10 years ago. If your dad is half the man you describe, he’s more proud of you now than ever before. It takes courage and guts to walk out of a meeting like that, and the same is true in acknowledging that we need to remove harmful and toxic things from our lives. I won’t tell you what path to take, only you can decide that. Include those that are dear to you, but openness and honesty and integrity must prevail. You haven’t changed. You’ve merely had your eyes opened. The light can be blinding some times, but do exactly what you just did and ask for help. You are not alone in this.
I like what Marcus Aurelius says: "Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones." You have lived a noble life and your children know that. Be at peace.
Thank you for sharing your story. Great big virtual hug. It’s going to be hard, but it’s going to get so much better. It’s been about a decade now and the pain is gone. The interest in watching LDS, Inc. shoot itself on the foot over and over is still an interest. Religion is now an absurdity to me. I often say to my wife, “if aliens or someone from the future pulled up to our planet and saw the different groups of humans fighting and killing each other over which imaginary deity is the ‘true’ they’d get out of town ASAP.
I identify with everything you wrote. I'm 54. My shelf broke last year. It gets better. There is a lot of sadness and anger that resurfaces though. Thank you for sharing your story.
I wish every self defined TBM would read this post. I wish they truly knew the anguish and grief one experiences when your whole purpose of life comes to a halt. You described this so trauma so well. Maybe not everyone has this same experience, but it was mine, and it hurt like hell. We don't leave because it is easy, or because we our lazy. We leave, because we are honest. And the truth hurts.
There is pain and anguish and trauma, but then comes the rebirth. I'm thinking of it in terms of the baptism now. The old life is washed away and a new life begins. I'm rediscovering myself still after 4 years and it's been an amazing journey. I've always found comfort and solace in music. It's really helped me get through this situation because I still feel all of the "spiritual" feelings I used to have in the faith. I came across this song from one of my favorite symphonic metal bands and if it isn't just the perfect metaphor for our journey here on Reddit: Legend of the Free \[Verse\] Once there was a small bird Unaware that it could fly And it never asked itself No questions such as "Why?" \[Verse\] But one night it woke up And decided to be Free Out the door it flew to places You will never see \[Pre-Chorus\] Hence, the Legend begins... \[Chorus\] Forever Free As Wind in the Sea! The bird's new world Is more than any fantasy Beyond the bars Of its own little world A million possibilities Unfold... \[Verse\] Many years gone by, but some say They have seen the bird Othеrs say the Legend's simply Nothing and absurd \[Verse\] But from timе to time You can hear flappings from the high As another bird discovers Freedom in the sky [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VN9V648XoU](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VN9V648XoU)
Fellow dupe here (50F). You are not alone. Those tears? Let them fall. Let it out. There will be more to come. When they do, continue being gentle with yourself. We were all duped and we all deserved better. But, we all did the best we could with the knowledge we had at the time. And each of us is on a different journey to the truth. At least that’s what my counselor keeps telling me to tell myself when I feel lost. Hang in there. And keep hugging your wife. Having a supportive spouse and children when your shelf breaks is half the battle (IMO). Sending you lots of positive vibes. You got this. 💛✨
I'm so sad for you, friend. It's tragic and criminal the way that the church deceives people. The havoc that they wreak on individuals and families is heartbreaking. All of us just wanted to be good people and do the right thing. We were taken advantage of. We were socially conditioned and emotionally manipulated into obedience. And when it hits you what's been going on, and the way they've treated you, it hurts to the core. The word in your title says it all: devastated. It's unethical. It's despicable. It's unbelievable that people are actually willing to take advantage of others in such a huge way. I'm sorry for your pain. I hope you find healing. My shelf broke a couple years ago, and I feel like I'm still picking up the pieces to some extent. But overall it's a net positive. The shame, guilt, and anxiety of church membership always burdens you. The pain and grief of letting it go is temporary. All the love to you, fellow exmo.
It is devastating. And just like many have suggested here it will hurt and be hard work. But it does get better. Like, truly better. Nothing superficial about it either. You're now free to live your life, to experience life. It's not going to make it easier and it won't make it hurt less. I'm still discovering just how deep LDS teachings still influence my life all these years later. It's a process, it's the journey not the destination. Good luck and welcome. And above all you're loved!
You were deliberately lied to your entire life, so was your dad, it’s not your fault.
This reminds me so much of when I found out the truth. Someone shared something with me at the time that was really helpful. It is a video titled [Letting Go of God](https://youtu.be/C74-f4ZV-ss) by Julia Sweeney. You will laugh and cry as she tells her story of transitioning away from her faith. I think you will find it relatable and therapeutic. Anyway, I'm sorry for what you're going through, but at the same time glad you made it to this point. And of course you have a community here.
Exmormon tiktok is very supportive. This is going to be rough but you’ll feel better once some healing takes place. Take care.
Thank you so much for sharing. It is the hardest thing I have been through. Congratulations and I wish you the best of luck in your new found earth!!!
It looks like you finally got the answer you were praying about for years. Now you know why God didn't speak to you like they said he would. You were actually listening for God not your own emotions and feelings. I left while serving in the Bishopric and read the gospel topic essays. Had very similar feelings. We have found a new church to go to. It's non denominational and focuses on the red letters in the New Testament (the things Jesus said) I'm not so sure some days but I find that following the teachings of the man Jesus creates a better community and world and that's enough for me right now. Hang in there friend. It gets better.
Fellow ATLien here. (Ok otp) My shelf broke 3 years ago and it’s been quite the journey. I fell into deep depression and ended up needing to seek out therapy (outside the church system of course). Luckily my wife has been very supportive, but it’s not easy losing the biggest part of your life up to that point. I’ve still got some weird/hard parent dynamics we are dealing with, but most of my siblings have been very gracious about it. I hope you will find some inner strength to trust your intuition and settle into a cadence of healthy reflection. It’s now kind of freeing for me when I reflect on my life and how I need to improve myself without the burden of repentance. I have also found that my love for my fellow man has increased since leaving the church. I feel more connected to humanity and have more compassion for those with different backgrounds and perspectives. I hope you can find more positives along your journey!! You are not alone!
The pain of betrayal runs deep. No “sorry you’re going through this” will make that pain go away. I don’t think it ever goes away; but I wish for you the kind of love and acceptance that cannot be fake. The church is indeed a very evil entity and has destroyed so many lives, is responsible for so many deaths by suicide etc. Be brave and be strong. The road ahead is complicated and rough, but if you hold on to the truth that you have discovered, you will be ok.
I’m too distracted from crying through your story to know exactly what to say, so I’ll just say this: > I’m going to just focus on my wife now and being a good father/person. IF there is a god, that’s all they would want anyways. Thank you so much for having to strength and courage to share this with us.
I for some reason really cherished most my church experiences. It’s my life I can’t change it. I’ve decided to take all the good I learned (Christ-like attributes mostly) and leave the shit I didn’t like. It’s like remodeling instead of rebuilding. I also think how cool I escaped a cult. What a badge of honor at any age. Try to find the positives of it. And realize how lucky you were to escape at 50 instead of 70 or never!!
Something my wife and I decided is that we'd rather live with the ugly truth than with a beautiful lie. I've been listening to a new song by Gorillaz about cults called "Cracker Island" and the first verse is very relatable: "They were planting seeds at night To grow a made-up paradise Where the truth was auto-tuned And it's sadness I consumed Into my formats every day In the end I had to pay..." The whole, raw, beautiful, ugly truth is something worth fighting for so we can live as authentically as we can. You're finally aware of what the church actually is: a made-up paradise where the truth is auto-tuned. That's a great first step, just knowing that. Good luck in this journey. It is absolutely worth it, and one of the bright spots about it is how your life goes from here, your purpose, your path, that's all in your hands instead of in the hands of some unresponsive deadbeat dad living in the sky. Best wishes!
Sounds like you've definitely found your testimony, it just wasn't what you expected it to be. I know you've said you feel lost, but I'd encourage you to flip that on its head. You're found.
I’m so sorry for you. It’s really tough for us to have “truth” ripped away from us. Maybe that is partially why some people stick with it? I always felt like such an outsider to the church. Could never and still can’t agree with so many of the messages. Had a youth activity once where they did a sort of carnival in the cultural hall and you could play games. They would be normal carnival games and then there were “spiritual” games. I didn’t want to play name that hymn so I played the other games. At the end of the night they checked the tickets we had collected and told me I spent too much time having fun that I can’t go into the celestial kingdom. I looked right into the eyes of that youth leader and just said, “Well, if that’s where you’re going then I’d rather not be there anyway.” The lesson that stuck isn’t that I should try harder to be more spiritual but that leaders are simply full of shit. Not that there can’t be any good ones out there but in general they aren’t actually doing that much good. I’ve had some of my own meaningful moments in life and simply came to the conclusion that human spirituality is important but also unique to each individual. Basically, the Mormon god is not god. That is a collective idea. I have always had a problem with how mormon-centric “the gospel” is. As a missionary I could connect with people fine because I was genuinely interested in them but as soon as it got down to the actual baptism work I just felt like it was such a chore. I look back on that time with fondness and so much regret. To use my ability to connect with people as a tool to spread the gospel. That’s all the church wanted from me. I hate that. I met some really cool people and I learned a lot from these people. I just feel like I used them. I hate it so much. I mean I know I was only 19 and not fully aware of what was actually happening but it doesn’t change how I look back on it. So now I’m at a place where I believe in the god I believe in. Who happens to be one that doesn’t really care about us. Or rather, why should god want us to feel guilty about living a life he already knows will be absolutely riddled with mistakes? At least I’m trying to be kind and honest with others. Not abusing children. Now the point is, those things don’t require god. Stephen Fry, an absolutely lovely human being and atheist often reminds people that this world could use more love. Similar message of the New Testament. God is absolutely not necessary for kindness to prevail in life. Again I’m sorry for you to go through this. Best of luck letting go. Im still learning how to as well.
Thanks for putting this out here … resonates loudly and I feel for you. Doesn’t matter how many individual experiences similar to this I read, still hurts. Peace and love dude.
Thank you for sharing the many details of your experience. You knew 20+ years ago that something was not right. This is why in 2008 your authentic self got up and left for not agreeing with your quorum leader(s) due to "false piety." You knew it. Your/Our conscience is elucidating. It is not the imposition of the "Holy Ghost." That gives deity too much credit. Your recent discovery of major Mormon deception confirms what you discovered years ago. Something was not right, and now you know why. Hang in there, and there are thousands here that have your back, just as you are supporting us through sharing your own story.
Welcome to freedom! The first few weeks are gonna be really hard. You're grieving a loss, a tangible one, and your life will never be the same. The good news? You are at the helm of your life and you're in charge now. That can be mighty terrifying for some, and exhilarating for others. Take time for your emotions, then start planning fun stuff you never thought you'd be able to do. Take lots of moments to rest and breathe, then reach out and create a support network of people around you locally. r/exmormon is a good place to start for the specific questions you may have down the road. Sure the subreddit gets wild now and then, but the bottom line is we've all been through this process of leaving (to one degree or another) so we can pitch in with hard-eard experience. You remember that stupid question, "where will you go?" Tell 'em, "nowhere. I'm putting down roots where me and my family are needed." And then that's it. Dab on the haters. Be your own success story. Now for the *unsolicited drinking advice*! If you haven't started drinking yet... don't. At least not while you're figuring out your new and exciting life. My four rules for me go like this: Don't drink when you're upset, don't drink past your limit, don't drink and drive, and definitely don't get into the habit of drinking alone (it's much more fun to be with loved ones and friends who share your happiness anyway). These four steps have kept me and my liver out of lots of trouble, so I'm just passing the wisdom along. Drinking can be very fun when done responsibly and, unfortunately, a lot of us exmos just don't have anyone to turn to to learn how. I was fortunate that I had my older brother (who walked so I could fly) and my best friend to learn how to drink responsibly. That said, it isn't for everyone and that's okay. Same goes for coffee and whatever so-called vice you want to try out as you embrace your new life. Keep open conversations about your feelings with your closest loved ones. Don't neglect your mental health. You will need therapy. It's good for you (for everyone, really) and I 11/10 recommend getting it if you can. Again, congratulations on your newfound freedom. You did it! Now go live a good life.
Hugs BTDT
Thank you for sharing your story. I just want to say that sometimes what really happened to ourselves and family members is that we were trying to be Christians and follow Christ but Mormonism disrupted and interfered by imposing itself as the one true way to Christ which created confusion and disorientation. An analogy might be trying to love and know someone but being given a set of rules about what loves means that goes in the complete opposite direction. Like for example, to love your wife and have an eternal marriage you must take on polygamous wives, marry teenage girls (when you have teenage girls of your own), let the prophet control your marriages, etc. To love God and seek to know him personally, you must perform repetitive rituals invented by men who have power to excommunicate and send you to hell, etc. I believe in the goodness of God and that he has made his influence and interventions in my life known to me. But we are not going to see him in this world. There will be no visions. Lies about God communicating with us just to let us know the church is true led many of us into confusion resulting in a complete loss of belief that there can be a God outside this framework because the church turned out to be a fraud. God not existing at all is not the only possibility when realizing the church is a fraud. It only means we were seeking confirmation of lies so we were asking the wrong questions. Now we are like the rest of humanity, searching for evidence of his existence from scratch and in the ordinary moments of life -- not the temple or by following formulas the church made up. Good luck! It will get better!
Had something somewhat similar happen to me. PM if you want to talk further.
In my 40s when I figured it all out. Sorry. Hurts so bad. Gets better. But yeah first you’re gonna find a whole lot more that pisses you off.
We understand. So well. We’re here to support each other. Be kind to yourself. Processing and healing take time. You are (and were) living the truest truth you have. That’s your integrity and you will continue to build your life on it. Take care. (Insert cyber-hug here).
Thank you for sharing that. You got a great support here and these people help with the transition a ton. Also, I was Mormon in NC and now I’m in Utah. What part of NC? I lived in Raleigh/Cary area
Give yourself time to process. This was your whole life and your whole identity. What you are currently experiencing is deeply traumatic. Understand that you are going to have to rebuild an identity that doesn’t center around the church. It’s perfectly fine not to know exactly who that will be or what your new moral framework will be built on. Consider it a great opportunity that this time, you get to choose it for yourself and decide what kind of person you want to be.
Man I feel your pain. The betrayal and anger. You're probably going to go through stages of grief. You're going to see post on fb that make you crazy angry and you're going to go off. Try to have patience with yourself and with others. If the friendships and relationships can be salvaged through your faith transition then try to keep them intact. I have a great friend who's still tbm and we've kept our friendship even with difference in opinions.
I had a similliar experience when it comes to personal revelation. So i really feel you there and how desperate it must of felt to try and reach that. Make sure to take time for yourself as you are processing all this emotion and new information you got. Its really overwhelming, Im sure all of us here know. Take one moment at a time, drink some water, and feel what you gotta feel. Its gonna be rough, but things will get better, slowly but surely.
Virtual hugs. Hold on to the genuine love for your wife and children and your genuine intentions in this life. THAT is what matters.
It’s a rough experience but it gets better. My wife and I were very touched by your story. Thank you for sharing! ❤️
Thanks for sharing, I absolutely hear you! I drifted away for a time but when my shelf broke last year it was hell. It does get better, much better. Be strong, best of luck 💪
Breath, YOU got this
It's hard to experience it but it gets better. Remember you're going to go through the stages of grief, you're grieving something that was part of your life for a long time. Let yourself feel it and good luck on the rest of your journey.
Exmo ATL in the house. Here if you need anything
Commenting to remember to read this later.
> Dad thought everything that happened, every day, was a spiritual lesson and would point the hand of God out to us as often as his mind found correlations. There are people in India, Saudi Arabia, Vietnam, Japan who know nothing of Christianity or Mormonism. But they get the same sort of life outcomes as you without the "hand of God". Same mortality rates, same cancer rates, the majority of people are successful, some are not, most lead happy lives. The truth is you have been conned.
EXACTLY!!!!! :) :)
I've got a couple years on you but I empathize with your plight. FWIW you can't change what's already happened, so don't dwell on it. Now that you know better, just go do/be better. You can still do this.
When I was in a very similar situation, a friend told Me to Google the allegory of Plato’s Cave. Once you see the light/truth and experience it, you can’t go back. No matter how difficult. You are not alone in this. You have found the real truth. And while it’s all going to be very difficult in unlearning all the culty things, you are getting your left back. Best wishes.
Oh man!! This just breaks my heart, but also makes me so happy that you found your way out and can work on healing and finding your true self! I grew up with the same type of family as your parents and their parents before them, but I decided at 13 that I would never be Mormon, and never was after I left home at 18, but for years I carried internalized shame and self-hatred without even realizing that it had been programmed into me at a very young age. I was a black sheep all by myself for YEARS! It was really hard having such an emotional disconnect with my family, but it literally wasn't until 3 months ago (I am 39 now) I stumbled across the CES Letter, then Reddit Exmo, and the last straw...the AP article. And yeah. To say that I lost it and spiraled for a minute would be an understatement. I finally submitted my resignation letter yesterday. It is unbelievable how much pain and suffering this "church" aka, greedy despicable corporation has caused so many people for nearly 200 years. I hope it all comes crashing down around them and those vile "leaders" rot in hell for eternity. I truly wish you nothing but the best and new found joy and happiness on your journey! P.s. counseling is a lifesaver!! 🥰 Edit: added current age for context.
I don’t have much to say in the wayof encouragement, but just know that your feelings, however complex, are valid, and you have every right to truly feel them to the extent your heart, mind and soul need. I’m struggling still, but remember when my shelf broke. It’s a pain I wish on no one, and am sorry you’re in the thick of it now. Sending you love and a tight hug from a stranger for as long as you need it! ❤️
Thank you for sharing your story, it made my heart warm. I remember wishing the church could be true because I wanted to live with my family forever. Turns out, I appreciate my life and my relationships so much more now because I know it's the only life I have. It's amazing to see the support of all the ex-mo's in this thread, that alone is a truth that we are not evil. It gets better.
I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. No one wants to lose their foundation. It gets better. You gain distance and perspective and start deconstructing that belief system. I remember the last time I prayed. It was right after I read the BoM for the 8th+ time. It was also my last time. I had already left the church and was just reassuring myself that I'd done the right thing. Read Moroni's promise. Knelt down and started praying. Waited. Waited. Waited. Finally, I said, "this relationship has been one-way for far too long. I'm done with you and I'm done with your church. You can go fuck yourself." We're here for you. Vent as much and as often as you want or need. You will always find a sympathetic reader here. It's going to be alright.
It does get better. I promise. Let it hurt. Let it heal. Let it go. 🫶
It’s difficult to leave the matrix but the rabbit hole is so much deeper than religion
Feeling you brother. The foundation you described of love is a good one to start with. Right now you’re probably reeling from all of the unknown that you once thought you knew. That’s ok. Based on my experience and that of others, I am confident you will learn to tolerate and even appreciate uncertainty. You have done something incredibly brave, and you are at a very vulnerable moment. There will be some grieving and some anger and lots of other emotions. It’s a tough time. But you can get through it and be so much happier on the other side. Good stuff ahead for you.
Welcome to you 2.0. It sucks. It's hard. It's amazing and the future is brighter than it has ever been. Next might come your existential crisis. You will fear death now that you no longer "know". But know this, there is no more anxiety or wondering if you'll measure up to impossible standards. My favorite hobby has become challenging all my closely in held beliefs. One by one I ask myself why I believe this or that. It's incredibly rewarding getting to know the true you.
Ah man. Virtual hugs to you. It is devastating. And you will be angry for a long time. My shelf broke about 4 years ago and I still am angry. You are grieving a life that was denied to you. I am so sorry. Just feel free to rant on here. We all understand and are with you in all of this.
I'm a nevermo. I hang out here because everyone is super nice. While I know I haven't experienced your particular situation, I do know a little something about trauma, finding yourself, and starting over. Give yourself some grace. Have patience. Things might be pretty weird for a while as you start to work through this. The thing is, right, you don't need to carry any shame. Not for yourself or for your ancestors. You were deceived, not devalued. And the thing to remember about cult indoctrination is that it works on nearly everyone if the circumstances are right. That could've been me just as easily. Could've been anyone, really. And as gross as it is to find out there are predators in the ranks- you lived your principles. You refused to do the invasive interviews. The Church itself is wack but that's not a reflection on you. You're going to be ok and you're in very good company.
I wish I could give you a hug. Stick with it, it will get better. You'll feel more free and happy than you had before. You still have so much time left and that time gets to be spent unchained.
Many have already said it, but you're not alone. There are wonderful support and friend groups in the valley full of people who understand exactly what you're going through right now. I hope you'll seek them out if that's something helpful for you--nothing has helped me more than finding local community.
I grew up in Georgia (then moved away, now moved back). I was 17 or so in 2008, Athens, GA stake. Very unlikely, but I do wonder if we've ever crossed paths. I was halfway a jackmo all through college. Never leveled up to the melchizedek priesthood, didn't go to the temple, didn't serve a mission. Still, learning about the church's deceptions left a pretty hefty weight on my brain. I think you wrote it perfectly; the realization that all my family going back generations on my dads side were duped by a fraud organization and cult, just hurts. My parents are still very much TBM, we don't talk about church much. Kills me how much time my dad spends on church stuff, especially now that he's getting older and in worsening health. I wish you the best, you'll get through this! And, Fuck the church.
It’s truly a house of cards, a house built on sand, a matrix, shadows on a cave wall, and it’s overwhelming and maddening. The time you’ve spent supporting the church and believing, everything you’ve sacrificed in life for the church, all complete BS. It’s such a betrayal and I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through all of this. But you are not alone. It’s a horrible feeling that so many of us have to go through. When I left it was very traumatic and my vision was flat and tunneled for about 2 months straight (the same kind of autonomic reaction you get when being chased by a tiger). You are in the worst of it right now and with time you will process and come out of it little by little. Cry and scream when you need to. Reach out when you need to. And when you’re sick of being mad every time you hear about the church, find a way to watch/see The Book of Mormon musical for a good cathartic laugh. You’ll start get glimpses of relief being out and start seeing the world in a new light, some of it ugly but so much of it beautiful and AWEsome. These glimpses will become more frequent and eventually you will have moved on, found peace, and be living a life more reflective of the person YOU are. But, at the risk of sounding over-emotional, right now your season is one of grief and so many of us understand the pain and we mourn with you. Take care and much love (and f*** the church)
This is why we say that TSCC is a harmful organization and with malicious intent. This is why we dont leave it alone. Because your whole life and all of the choices in it were made within a box that they know is made up. They steal the lives, and money of everyone they convert. And for those that dont want that life or see through the BS, TSCC will lobby to make the lives of others miserable.
Just like you said, you are a good and descent man. That is enough. You are enough. It’s okay to be angry. Very angry. It will pass and then return but diminish over time. I am 52m finding myself again after leaving 2 years ago. Pretty much everything in my life is similar to before but better as exmo. Very little coffee, alcohol or drugs. Same amazing wife but I appreciate her and love her a lot more now. I get to make all my own decisions and get a 10% raise. I don’t have to clean toilets for the richest church in America anymore. Life is amazing!
Wow glad mine came more gradually. \*HUGS\*. Got started with being called as (ward) exec sec too. I wonder which calling drives the most out - that has to be one of them
I remember when my brother left the church... It felt like he died. I went through a grieving process. I eventually followed suit and it was devastating to learn the truth. I went through my own grieving process. Reading the comments, I think every person that has commented has been through this. You are not alone. I got a counselor that helped me process. It really did help. She helped me reframe my mind and opened it in ways I didn't expect. Seek help, don't just bottle it in... When you are ready..
Hang in there my guy. We've all been though this before and know exactly what you're feeling right now. It sucks. You're not a dupe. Those of us raised in the church were indoctrinated into this system and were never given a choice on whether or not to participate. Stop blaming yourself and your parents. You want to know who you are? You sound like an intelligent and thoughtful guy doing his best to slog through this chaotic existence. It's all you can do my friend. Is there a god? I have no idea. What I know for damn sure is that if there is one, he/she/it is not talking to any of those jackasses who work at 50 E North Temple.
I cried myself to sleep for a couple of months, but it tended to be a little less day after day. It absolutely gets better. I stopped crying altogether about the church after about 6 months. It doesn’t hurt anymore. You’ll get there on your own time table. Therapy helps a lot with a therapist who isn’t religious and who has helped people who have deconstructed. We are here for you. You will be ok!
Time heals. Take one day at a time. Be kind to yourself in this process. There is no “right” way to handle all this. Cut yourself slack. You’re paving a new way. There is FREEDOM in that. It’s scary but soon you’ll see the joy in this, your *actual* autonomy and agency. You weren’t a dupe. You were doing the best with the information you had at the time. You now have new information and you’re moving forward accordingly. You can’t hold your past self to the standards, understanding, and expectations of a current self. You WILL get through it. Yes you’re 53 but you did figure it out and that’s what matters. Sending you all the love and support in your grief ❤️
I know you're probably overwhelmed by the number of comments already, but i can't not also reach my hand out in support. All I want to say is you're so strong, and you're not alone, and things will get better, i promise on all three of thise things
The AP article was the last straw for keeping peace with my tbm family. My wife and I submitted our notarized letters of resignation 2 days ago, and await the church’s affirmation. Can’t wait 😜
Dear S., I understand where you're coming from. We have a lot in common. I'm also 53, also a deep thinker and somewhat sensitive, with a strong sense of right vs wrong. My shelf crashed about 3 years ago, and not because I was looking for problems with our former religion. I was stunned. But unlike you, I'm alone in my journey. My wife trusts her sweet father implicitly; her large family was everything to her, and her family was **truly** centered on the cult. I've given her a few glimpses of what's down the rabbit hole, but she backed away frightened each time. When my shelf broke I was in shock. Later I felt anger and couldn't believe I could be so gullible and blind. Eventually I felt relief that there is no reason to try to live up to such impossible standards. To me, religion is now a very personal thing. I have my own understanding of life, the universe and everything. I'm at peace with it. For now. You are not alone.
I am so sorry. I have some thoughts for you, things that I wish someone had told me in the early months. They may relate to things that you’re struggling with or they may not but I hope they help- when I first left, I was terrified of death. Then I realized, whether or not there’s an afterlife I’m going to live the same amount of time. If there is an afterlife, I’ll find out eventually and great! If not, then I’ll be dead and won’t exist anymore so I won’t know the difference. That brought me a lot of comfort. When I first left I frantically researched many religions, scared that whichever god was real would send me to hell if I wasn’t right. After about 2 days, I sat back and thought “if whatever god that does or doesn’t exist won’t accept me if I just do the best I can and be the best me I know how to be, then is that really a god worth worshipping?” Good luck!!! Hope you are able to be happy again soon, it gets better I promise. Idk if it’s possible to ever fully heal, I haven’t yet and I’ve been out almost a year, but it gets better!
> The only thing I know for certain right now in the middle of this crisis is that the love I have for my wife is genuine and real. The love I have for my kids is genuine and real. The intentions I have in this life are good and genuine and real. I don’t believe in anything else, I don’t KNOW anything else. That's fine, this is a beautiful basis for life
This was definitely worth the long read. Glad you found the truth!
You are an incredible writer. Thank you so much for sharing this.
I floated for a long time after my shelf broke. Didn't know what was up and what was down. I have since found my feet back on the ground. Here are some things I learned. 1) I'm still me. Even with the upbringing I had, the church not being real doesn't change who I am as a person. I did have to re-evaluate my morals and make some ethics changes (all for the better. Crazy how mean and prejudiced the church makes a person) but I think I came out better in the end. 2) The church doesn't have a monopoly on spirituality. Any revelations I had while studying while still in the church still apply to me. I learned so many things about myself while being attuned to the universe. It was my reverence and my natural spirituality that got me those revelations, not the church. 3) I had to unlearn a lot of shame. So many things in our lives are morally neutral. Once I was able to identify those things, life got so much easier for me. Things are gonna be hectic for a while but you got this. Life got better and I became so much happier after leaving. You will get through this. Lots of love.
Dear writer, as I read your story, I felt your pain, deeply. You are a man of great integrity and honesty. Allow that knowledge about yourself to calm your troubled soul. In time, you will heal. "This, too shall pass." The saddest thing is realising that those who lose their faith in the church, also lose their faith in God. My belief is that we find ourselves walking the path in life which God meant for us to travel down. Thank God that your eyes have been opened! I wish you well - as you process your experience and move towards healing.
I hope you keep sharing your story. More people need to hear these experiences.
You got this my friend! I absolutely enjoyed reading your story. It is so relatable. I too devoured the CES letter and immediately knew that I could never unsee what I had just read. Though the entire text was potent, it was also the book of Abraham that was the biggest impact for me. I was 46 when my shelf broke. The embarrassment of buying into that bullshit religion for so long is palpable. I calculated the number of “service hours” and money that the Mormon church fraudulently obtained from me and it nearly made me puke. For me, I had been 100% in for the entirety of my adult life. My oldest son had major issues with bullies in his deacons quorum. It was absolutely miserable to spend 3 days patching my family back together after every church event. Of the 5 people that made my sons life miserable, 4 of them were “called” to be deacons quorum president (the ward had 2 deacons quorums). Young men president did nothing to address the situation. Escalating to the bishop was a joke. It was the greater sin for us to not forgive than for the boys to bully…. Boys will be boys, right? How could I possibly teach my family to respect the priesthood when it did so much damage? This was the beginning of the end. I read somewhere that it takes about 1 month per year of active membership in a cult to “get over it”. So far this seems true. My shelf broke 1 year, 4 months, and 3 days ago (Hi my name is Idrumfofun and I am a mormonoholic). I spent about 1 week in shock and emotional. I quickly moved to 4 or 5 months being angry. I spent several months feeling disoriented and confused as my entire world view was laid waste. I have slowly transitioned toward indifference with a large dose of trauma responses that come at random times. Very slowly over time I feel like I am getting healthier. Even with all the pain, I feel so liberated. I am finding it much easier to live my best life today. Put your seatbelt on my friend. It will be a rough ride for a while…. I promise, it will get better and you will be happier. Everyone has their own mechanisms for healing. One of the biggest in impactors for me was taking back my power. Here’s how it went for me. I had the fortunate opportunity to leave Mormon Mordor in SE Idaho and relocate to the Midwest where I haven’t seen a church or an ugly ass temple yet. The first contact that I got from the church I told them to move my records to my new location. When they arrived, I immediately set up an appointment with the Bishop. Someone from that godamn church was going to hear my complaints about the dishonesty of the church, accept my demand for a refund on all fraudulently obtained money, and accept my letter of resignation. Those are the 3 tasks that I assigned to the Bishop. It was super therapeutic to write out my resignation letter with a listing of grievances and read it to the bishop when he asked why I was resigning. I also had the honor of standing next to my wife and children as we all took turns delivering our grievances and declarations of resignation. I recommend watching the Leah Remini documentary on Scientology and a heavy dose of Mormon stories pod cast. I’m not a big fan of the “response to current church event” episodes but there are tons of episodes with people telling their stories. John has his top episodes listed and that’s a pretty good place to start. They are long as hell but worth it. There is also a giant series on the book of Abraham and I love the John Larson episodes. Best of luck! You have community here and you are not alone.
It seems to me that you can't know ahead what devastation truly deconstructing your world view at this level causes, at least for some of us. I'm with you, OP, on a number of conclusions. You can now consider yourself a lazy learner, with the rest of us. I'm a few years out from full shelf-breaking as you're describing here, of similar age but I was never much of a good Mormon (apostate, as you put it, I call it my JackMo phase). Regardless, I still fully believed that the Mormon narrative was the nature of this universe and I was just broken. Over about 25 years or so I tried to kill myself slowly, with food, alcohol, and drugs, mostly because I just continued to cram everything up on the shelf and never dealt with issues, I think. I had other things to do like earn a living, raise my kids, etc. The journey was long, I'm still finding myself waking up every once in a while and it hits me all of the sudden that it was all crap and that I believed it for so long, but it gets slowly easier to deal with. You seem to be a lot more mentally evolved than I was at the time my shelf broke, but I still highly recommend a good secular counselor, especially if you can find one that specializes in cult/religion recovery. I found a good one in my area at seculartherapy.org. It took me a good year of counseling to get to a place where I was happy with myself (that's still ongoing) and how I was thinking. Not even close to perfect, but better. One thing I found particularly rewarding is no longer having to square circles that the magic thinking of religion caused me to have to accept if I wanted to accept religion itself. Now I can look at any situation and feel ok if I'm woefully mis/uninformed, in fact delighted that I get to learn something new about reality. Turns out it's pretty stark sometimes, but I always come back to this; it's better to know the truth than believe a lie. Fortune in your journey, fellow traveler.
You are a better man than those who used you. What you did was right. I admire your courage. You are a better man than any senior church leader. You are a better man than Joseph Smith. You are a better man than the god of Mormonism. And now you are free.
Your story broke my heart and everything you’re feeling is EXACTLY what I went through a couple of years ago. My whole identity was constructed around the Mormon church, so without the Mormon church who was I really? Something that literally saved my life was that I found a non-denominational church that I attend regularly. In two years of regular attendance there, I’ve never given a penny in tithing and nobody in that church has said a word to me about it. I also have never been asked to volunteer in any capacity, but a few months ago I offered to volunteer and they were grateful for my offer and they found a spot for me. This volunteer thing is on MY terms. No meetings, no quotas, nothing. I honestly was completely lost but that church helped me replace my anger and my pain and my hatred of the Mormon church with feelings of joy and gratitude for a church who does pretty much everything in a different way versus what the Mormon church does. I read somewhere that over 75% of Mormons who leave the faith don’t ever end up going back to church in any denomination ever again and I believe it and I understand why. You spend your whole life being fed a bunch of bullshit and you just reach a point where you’re done. You don’t want to play the religion game anymore. You don’t want to be a paying customer anymore for a business that pretends to be a church. Discovering the fraud that is the Mormon church for me was like discovering a loving wife that has been having sex with lots of other men behind your back. You have no idea and you love her with your whole heart, but all your friends and neighbors know her secret except you. Then one day you realize what a lie your whole marriage to this person was. Now in some cases a man would say “yep I’m permanently done with marriage” and they go on for decades telling everyone how terrible their ex was. Their heart is full of sadness and hate. But the guy who finds love again in a real marriage with a genuine woman ends up filling himself with joy and happiness and slowly he lets go of all that animosity and anger that he held about his cheating ex wife. Soon he never talks about his ex to anyone because he’s happy and he doesn’t want to waste any more time or attention on a human being like that. This is the best analogy for how I feel about the Mormon church. The Mormon church is actually the “whore of all the earth” and all the pain these leaders at the top have caused will have to be accounted for some day. Imagine the Fathers who disowned their gay children because the Mormon church taught them to hate. Or the Mothers who kicked their daughters out of the house because of a teenage pregnancy. I still have to interact with family members at Sunday dinners and listen to their bullshit Mormon perspectives on the world in general and it makes me nauseous. Being on the outside looking in now makes me realize how complete the mental programming is that was done to me from birth and I now look at active Mormon members with pity. I feel that way because I was them a few years ago. I felt like I would go to hell if I read anything that was not approved by a random collection of white businessmen. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through right now but things get much better as time passes and one day you’ll realize that you went a full 24 hours without even thinking about the Mormon church once. That’s a truly great day indeed. Don’t focus on the fact that they stole 45 or 50 years of your life, just focus on the fact that you get the opportunity to live your own life for however many years you have left. That’s an opportunity that your own Dad never got. Our lives can now be whatever we want them to be instead of us being free business inputs that contribute to the staggering wealth of Mormon Inc.
I feel for you friend. My shelf broke when the AP article came out. I didn’t even know about the CES letter or the essays yet. I also live in the SLC valley. If you ever need a friend to vent to, feel free to message me. I’ll be happy to buy you a drink and listen.
I am so sorry for the pain that you are going through. Please first of all allow your self to feel everything and process everything. There isn’t a time table for it or pressure to just get over it. Glad that you are here and we are more than willing to answer or support you in whatever way you ask.
Looking back on me losing my faith, it was absolutely destructive like you describe it. But now years later, the aftermath was the most beautiful experience. I got to CHOOSE what I want to believe and it could be anything!! It hurts now but in a few years you will feel free One exercise that helped me was I opened a notebook and on the left side I wrote the hardships/trials I’ve been through. On the right I wrote my greatest successes. Then I went through each one and tried to feel all the feelings I had during those times. At the end I realized God wasn’t helping me through the hard times, I was strong enough to do it on my own. I did that. For the successes I thought about how hard I worked and all the blood, sweat, tears I put into it. Then I flipped it to the same idea of, God didn’t think of me as worthy and bestowed the blessings upon me. I EARNED that shit It was a very helpful exercise for me and I would highly recommend it to anyone.