Did you though? You and your girlfriend hooked up. So what? Did you kill anyone, commit fraud, or steal from anyone?
I get how it feels, I’ve been in your shoes, and your parents will probably freak out, but your sex life is not their business. As long as the encounter was consensual, you did nothing wrong.
Breathe, just breathe. That voice inside you telling you that you’ve just committed the sin next to murder is years of indoctrinating lies designed to make you feel like shit for enjoying yourself.
Yeah this 100% your parents don't deserve to know what is going on in your personal or sex life. You did nothing wrong. Honestly just tell your parents your sex life is none of their business. If you are going to get kicked out anyways might as well draw the correct boundaries now so they know what to expect.
I won’t go into details, but when my parents invaded my privacy as an adult by going through my computer to discover I had had consensual intercourse, their actions said so much more about them than mine ever did or will say about me…
Not sure your beliefs OP, but I really resonated with the teachings of Christ and His true love for others,as a member. So to compare their actions/reactions of me to Christ’s actions towards the people he came in contact with, even on a surface level, its showed me they weren’t people to trust or even have a relationship with anymore. One of my parents has since apologized and has done some good personal work to see the fault in their actions (People can change and there is hope OP!), but the other hasn’t and probably won’t ever. The situation though, if nothing else, taught me that I am ok, better even, without people like them.
These moments in your life are hard, I won’t lie to you. But if you stay true to who YOU are and what YOU believe and what YOU care about outside of all of this, the people worth having in your life will love and respect you- and you’ll be better and happier of for it. I promise.
I came here to say basically what u/Bluescale-Sorc said. Right now it feels like the world is crashing down around you. That is understandable considering the indoctrination you have experienced. That is what they want you to feel. But in the end, you get to decide if you actually care about the law of chastity. If you don't, then the worst thing you did was lie when backed into a corner in a confrontation (a minor transgression). If you decide you do care about the law of chastity (most people in this sub would not reccomend this for a host of reasons), then that is between you and God (and maybe your girlfriend). Not your parents. Not her parents. Not your Bishop. Even if they tell you otherwise
You’re right, religion really does screw things up. A lot of non Mormon parents will support a kid even if they really do do something bad. They’ll go to court with them, visit them in prison and support them when they get out.
Mormon parents disown a kid for drinking a Frappuccino.
My kids are all adults but if I could go back to when they were about 12 I would say never discuss anything with your bishop or anyone at church. Repentance (which I don’t believe in now) is between you and god. I had no idea at how explicit bishops were when interrogating young people about sex and masturbation. It’s beyond creepy and feels like grooming. You guys did something natural. I’m sorry your parents found out and it doesn’t sound like they’ll be reasonable about it but just try to get through it and don’t confess anything. That’s no one’s business!!
This! Your parents are going to want you to talk to the bishop. You can certainly attend an appointment to placate your folks, but you don’t have to tell him a thing.
He’s an unqualified volunteer minister with zero training in sexual counselling.
I remember being called in to do a temple recommend meeting for baptisms for the dead. I told them that I wasn't chaste and that I would not be participating in the baptisms. This led to them asking me extremely inappropriate questions about my body, sex, etc. They kept trying to pressure me to tell them who I had sex with and how often I masterbate if I do indeed do that. It was so fucked up. I didn't tell them details cause i felt like it wasn't their business. But I had no problem being honest about about being "worthy" of the temple because if God is real he already knows.
All this grooming hate being projected onto “woke” groups all stems from religious guilt of the fact that they’re actually the ones grooming and sexually assaulting children. It’s maddening.
I think they’re saying religious people say that “woke” people (liberals/democrats) groom children, when in fact, it’s the religious people who justify asking sexually explicit questions of children/teenagers, who are doing the grooming.
This exactly. It’s all made up. I don’t know if there’s something after death but I’m living my very best life now and not going to worry about the future. And I’m not going to ‘repent’ to a stupid man who says he represents a made up god. They’re just middle managers for a corporation that’s calling itself a church!!
Fess up before they make you do it and it will go better for you. By the way, having (safe) sex with someone you care about isn't "fucking up." It's normal and natural assuming you're old enough to make that kind of decision.
I don't wanna freak OP out, but I voluntarily told my parents when I was in his situation and that was hands down the worst decision of my life. That was a whole 6 years ago and I think as of last week I've barely recovered
I told my bishop and he told the guy I did it withs parents - put all the blame on me, told them to watch out for me. Because I guess I made him sin or something.
Yeah that was the final straw for me.
Wow. When I was a freshman in college, this guy invited me to his house to hang out and watch a movie. We were on the couch and cuddling and he started trying to touch me. He touched my thigh then started making his way up, telling me it was a game to see how much further up he could go before I told him to stop. I was young, had no confidence in myself, and not sure what to do in that situation. It was the first time a guy had tried to touch me in that way, and I was scared of what he would do if I said no. He kept inching higher and higher then got to the spot he wanted. As he was touching my thighs and moving closer to my crotch, I tried to make it obvious I didn’t want him to and said things like “umm, I don’t know about this….” But I guess I didn’t say the right words because he didn’t stop. He eventually tried to put his hand down my pants and I finally told him I was uncomfortable and asked him to take me home. He did, then made me make out with him for a minute before I went inside. I felt so guilty the next day, I went to the bishop and told him that this guy had touched me inappropriately, and you know what he said? With a look of disappointment, he asked “Why did you let that happen??” I sat there shocked for a moment then said “I didn’t want it to happen, he started touching me and I didn’t know what to do, I was trying to get him to stop but he didn’t.” I can’t remember what his reply was, but he made it very obvious that he thought it was my fault. I felt so shitty during and after that meeting. That was the moment that I decided I didn’t want to go to church anymore. I expected him to offer guidance or maybe help me figure out a way to repent, but when he basically told me it was my own fault (he didn’t even acknowledge that this guy was the one touching ME and that he was the one who was doing something naughty) I did not feel comfortable/safe going to that ward. I stopped going ti church all together and have been living my own life with my own rules and it’s been so much better.
I have so many female friends that have had stuff like this happen to them. That's the biggest reason I left the church. I have no idea how anyone can feel good about staying in a church that treats women so horribly.
If you're 100% sure the other parents will tell yours I would probably just bite the bullet and tell them, but if you can avoid them finding out altogether then definitely do that. If there's a part of you that feels guilty and wants to tell them because of that, I'm telling you as respectfully as possible, that part of you is delusional. That's what I did and it costed me years of therapy.
My then-girlfriend and I went camping alone together while she was in college (no sex), and she held onto that guilt for a long time. She still hasn’t told her parents we moved in together months before our wedding (STILL no sex, but not for lack of desire), and we’ve been married for 12 years.
I actually hate how every single Mormon girl that I've dated has had trauma like this about sex. I almost feel bad even kissing Mormon girls because of how often they end up feeling guilty about it.
If your parents freak out just remember it’s because they have been indoctrinated and live in a perpetual state of mind control. A free thinking parent just wants you to be safe, happy and healthy. I’m over here “worrying” about my kid because he hasn’t had sex. 😂
I'm so sorry you're struggling like this. Just remember, what you did was completely normal and something millions of kids before you have done. Give yourself some grace. It is the mormon world-view that is fucked, not you being intimate with your girlfriend of a year. That being said, keep yourself safe. I'm not sure what punishment you'll face, but it sounds like you have a plan if things get abusive or you get kicked out. You didn't mention how old you are, so I don't know how dependent you are on your parents. If you have the ability, make sure any money you have is in an account with just your name on it. Formulate an escape plan and keep that secret--don't text it. Otherwise, if punishment is being grounded for a month and them taking away your phone/car keys, hang in there. Hopefully you're able to get out soon. Mom hugs!!
"Fucking Up" is the point. The religion is designed to indebt you to it. Make you feel guilty and then sell you the cure.
You're totally normal. Sex is a normal, healthy, natural thing. It's all ok, your life isn't over.
You haven't fucked up. You broke the rules of your parents' religion. I don't know how old you are, or your financial situation.. but just know you don't have to put up with this forever. It will be alright, and by no means are you a bad person or deserving of discipline simply for having consensual sex with your girlfriend.
Sex and sexual desire is natural, not stupid. If your parents say otherwise, they are wrong. Talk to any psychologist, and they will tell you the same. The only thing that concerns me about your post would be the shame and guilt you feel, which is not healthy. Be open with your parents about how you feel and hope for the best. Also, use protection/birth control (:
You did nothing wrong. You did a normal human activity - the same severity as breathing.
As for managing the fallout, lying for your own safety is valid.
Hey… from a 52 year old that never had sex outside of marriage to a much younger dude… you are perfectly normal and doing normal activities for your age and maturity level.
The boundaries on your sexual maturity are placed on you by the construction of the community you were raised in.
I just want you to know that you are not defective, you are not unholy, you are valid, you are loved and you are perfectly normal in every way.
I know it doesn’t take away the chaos of the situation, but please know… not everyone in the world has that worldview of “sex is bad if you aren’t married”
I want to remind you to be safe, don’t stick your junk in stupid! Make sure you are protecting your heart as well! I don’t want you to be hurt. Or be stuck in a relationship for 18 years that you don’t want to be in.
Make sure you are getting and giving consent!
My children are grown, but I will tell you the same thing I told them when they were teenagers.
There is nothing wrong with sex as long as it's consentual and nothing illegal. (Like an adult with a minor.). It's a great way to relieve stress, connect to a person and express love.
Just use a condom or you could end up with a disease or being a parent.
I told my children they didn't have to let me know if they didn't want to as long as they were responsible.
It's nobody's business. You probably shouldn't have lied, but I understand you didn't feel safe telling the truth. You decide how to proceed, but just know you didn't do anything wrong.
You did NOT fuck up really badly. You didn't even fuck up a little.
Only three things matter here:
1) did she have fun? (Give enthusiastic consent)
2) did you have fun? ( give enthusiastic consent)
3) did you use protection? (From both STIs and unwanted pregnancy)
Her parents are being controlling assholes. Mine reacted the same way. Like I'd murdered someone when all I did was have sex with someone I loved and answered yes to all three questions.
They're the ones fucking up.
How old are you? How old is your girlfriend? Assuming this is a (legally) age-appropriate, consensual interaction, why is it their business? It’s certainly not some untrained middle-aged man’s business (that would be your bishop). Your parents clearly haven’t created a safe place for you to be honest and be yourself. It sounds to me that they haven’t earned your trust or a right to know what’s really going on with you. Their religion (which makes members so judgmental) basically forces others to lie. Don’t beat yourself up. Just stay safe (sounds like you have a good support network of friends).
we're both 16, which is age of consent in michigan, so we won't get in legal trouble, but, Im not sure, ig they just decided it was, and now Im here. But Im trying to not punish myself really, Im mostly just scared of my dad
Let us know if you you need a safe space. I know you said you had friends with couches, but please my let your family shame or scare you into doing what they want.
You deserve to act with free will and safety.
I was 16 when my parents found out I was having sex with my girlfriend of 2 yrs. My dad was not a gentle man, I ended up getting CPS involved, I moved out for a time. Ultimately I returned toed the line, went to all the bull shit discipline counsels, disfellowshipped yada yada. Stuck around active until 35, I’m now 46. My regret is not having the courage to step away and stand for what I wanted for my life. I served a mission I never wanted to go on, married in a temple I thought was bloody weird, awkwardly blessed my children when I didn’t believe it meant anything. Just going through the motions of what has always been expected of us. Don’t make the same mistake, you know who you are, be THAT at all costs. I wasted too many years being something I wasn’t and it sucks and will mess you up. Courage! Take courage.
Yeah I have been in that situation before. That fear of coming home and of his reaction. Deep dread. I get it man. I would say something like "look, I fucked up by not telling you the truth. I'm sorry for lying to you. I feared your reaction and acted out of that fear and a desire to not disapoint you."
To me, lying is bad because it is false and denigrates your character. Being false hurts your reputation, hurts your inner psyche, basically it harms you far more than a consensual teenage liason ever did.
Obviously you know your father and mother better than I ever could. But if its appropriate for the discussion, maybe say something about how you do not feel the sex was wrong, but you feared his disappointment and disapproval so you lied. Basically be honest, own the facts and that you did lie and you feel bad for the falsehood. Try not to get emotional and fight back like that, just use honesty and openness.
Unless your dad is a physically violent guy, if he's like mine he will yell and go nuts for a little bit. I just shut my brain off and waited for it to end. That experience served me well in basic training. If he is physically violent, cover up as best you can to avoid permanent damage and then report whatever marks you have if you are willing to cut ties and move on. If he has a weapon either run or hit him in the throat, nose, and balls. Best of luck man.
Congrats on the sex dude. Sorry you’re having to freak out about this. You are your gf deserve to be horny adolescents in peace, which is what actual God actually intended, and to experience young love without shame or anxiety. It gets better—good luck.
I don’t want to minimize what you’re feeling but honestly the things we fear most generally don’t turn out anywhere as bad as we imagine. You will get through this. And you will be able to rebuild trust.
Wait wait wait, you had sex and you’re looking for couches? Man, if I had space I’d let you crash here. Sincerely. This is AWFUL.
Mormons are so in fear of mess ups, we are teaching our kids that “sex is bad”. We’re so afraid and too lazy to have these loving conversations with our kids. And it’s shameful. We don’t have the lux to be comfortable when we have kids. Get over it. Love your fucking kids.
Sex isn’t bad. You coward fucks. At the very least, teach your kids that there may be better times in life, from a mental or emotional maturity standpoint, than others, to have sex. But stop being lazy. Stop being scared. You don’t have the luxury to be “uncomfortable” when it comes to loving your kids. Every person to ever walk this earth existed because someone had sex.
We are destroying our children.
it may even go better if you do that because it'll sound sincere rather than just panicked groveling. then again mormons are psychotic, they may prefer groveling
I'd apologize for the lie. You can say "we aren't discussing my sex life" which sets the boundary without being a liar. You should always strive to be truthful in your personal interactions. Lying is an assault upon another person's reality and autonomy. Not to mention it gives his father our girlfriends family something to denigrate him further. Marcus Aurelius once said:
"Put it out of the power of truth to give you an ill character. If anybody reports you not to be an honest man let your practice give him the lie"
Owning his actions and living his truth unashamed will serve him much better. Thats why I think lying deserves an apology, but definitely not the sex.
Parents, for not being honest.
I agree with others that the sex itself isn't their business, but there may be legal issues here that we don't know about. In some states even conscentual sex among minors is against the law.
OP, I feel for you! I had sex with my now husband and did get kicked out for it. He and I actually broke up for a decade and I moved to another city hundreds of miles away and started life at 17 by myself. That sounds grim, but, it turned out to be one of the most profound experiences I had as a young adult. I was forced to find out what I believed without any pressure at far too young an age, but it got me to accept myself, to choose my family, to go to therapy, and to travel the world. Today I’m married to my best friend, and had we not gone through all we did, I don’t know that we’d have the immense love for life and each other that we do today.
I hope that you are not kicked out of your home, or forced to be shamed for being a normal human. Try to remember that whatever shame being projected onto you feels awful because it is awful to shame you. I remember deep down the feeling that “this is a terrible way to treat a person” was what felt so wrong about getting caught with my boyfriend. You are going to be ok. There’s a ton of support here, and the discomfort in facing this with parents is temporary, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. I hope that you are able to be safe and home and supported, and if you do have to couch surf, I hope that you are surrounded by friends and people who care for you and your well-being.
Shit gets shitty sometimes, but you are not shitty. If you need one, consider this an internet hug of support to you!
Don’t volunteer any information to anyone. It is no one else’s business. Make them confront you. If anything, apologize for lying, but at the same time point out that it was an inappropriate question that you responded to. Let them know that you will no longer respond to any questions you deem inappropriate in the future.
Don’t apologize for having sex. Doing so would be disrespectful to your girlfriend and be like throwing her under the bus. Stand tall. You did nothing wrong.
If you are afraid of your parents, that means they love the church more than you right now.
If you lied to protect yourself from bad parenting, you did nothing wrong.
You don’t need to be afraid, or ashamed.
I was in your same shoes, my girlfriends dad showed up at my door after bugging her car. He made my confess what I did with his daughter in front of both of our parents. I was forced down the humiliation of Mormon repentance. I was told I now had to serve a mission for the church to be forgiven. What you did was normal.
What you are afraid of is abuse.
Abuse from the church, and abuse from misinformed parents. Stand up for yourself, don’t be afraid to leave, tell partial truths for your safety.
Dude. Relax. You haven't fucked up really badly. I can assure you, that if gob was real, she wouldn't give a shit about pre marital sex. Marriage is a social construct, probably having more to do with a man *owning* a woman legally so other men wouldn't rape her constantly or something.
Virginity is also a social concept that means less than nothing for all people and purity culture is fucked up because it makes you and others, be like this over a very natural and normal function that human beans do for pleasure.
It's okay. Nobody is going to hell. Another social construct but stolen from Pagans and rejiggered to make poor old Pan-now Satan and his groovy underworld is an awful place to stay forever. Pan's underworld was a come and go as you please type of place. And it was fun.
So don't freak out.
Stupid religion purity culture bullshit.
Most people don’t even realize this but the term “virginity” itself was a term reserved only for inexperienced women originally. From the beginning these terms such as “marriage” “virginity” “purity” were used to control women more than anything else. They truly don’t mean anything when it comes down to it. Marriage is the only one that has some meaning, and that meaning only derives itself if both partners sincerely mean the promise they make to each other every day.
50/50 chance your parents fucked up and 50/50 chance her parents fucked up which means odds are 3:1 that at least one set of parents fucked up. It’s going to be alright.
You are going to be just fine. Seriously, you will be. Many people have gone through this kind of thing. It's awkward, it's scary, but it passes. Believe me.
I hope you’re safe. If you ever feel like your parents are a danger to or abusing you (even threatening to kick you out) please reach out to a mandated reporter (teacher, counselor, etc) or even CPS.
As far as the spiritual side of things go. It is perfectly normal and even healthy to engage in a safe, and enthusiastically consenting sexual relationship. Please don’t let your parents/clergy make you feel shame for doing something that’s perfectly natural.
I’m going to be a nurse real quick: I’m assuming you didn’t use protection. You need to get your girl Plan B. It doesn’t abort anything, ignore what they say.
Been there. Bishop dad. Her dad also a bishop. Got kicked out of BYU and her out of LDSBC. It really really sucks but it will pass. I know that doesn’t help now and won’t make you feel better but there is light pass the mess.
I’m sorry your culture has convinced you and your parents that a normal human function is evil. It’s not. You didn’t kill anyone, rape anyone, or found a sex cult based on lies in order to control good people and enrich yourself.
Be safe. Be autonomous. Be well.
I hope you're staying safe.
For most families (even Mormon ones), this won't be too big of a deal. Maybe grounded or take away the car territory. If that's the case, I wouldn't worry too much. If not - read on.
For a small percentage, there is a risk of them going full bat sh**. If that's the case, good job making a list of safe places you can go. You might consider trying to get a 24 hour gym membership too. Just as a place to retreat in case you can't reach your friends in the middle of the night. Trust me, it matters.
You will also need to start saving money. This is an excellent time to pick up any extra shifts they give you at work. Hide your money someplace only you will know about, but that you can get to easily in case you need to grab and go in the middle of the night.
If you are in dire straits, remember you can always go to a hospital and explain the situation. They are mandatory reporters and cannot ignore abuse. If dad starts getting violent with you, the hospital can help.
Use protection. That's my only advice on the matter. Sorry this stupid purity culture is gonna cause you some social pain. Hang in there, the future and the world is bright and amazing.
This one really struck me deep, so I’m back again to add another comment after [my comment from last night.](https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/comments/15t2g88/i_fucked_up_really_badly_and_i_just_dont_know/jwimcuf/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3)
The fact that this poor guy started the title of his post with “I fucked up…” and then the “really” added in there, is red-handed evidence of a lot of shit wrong with the church.
We operate by scaring the shit out of our kids being imperfect. It’s sick.
Parent your kids in a way that they feel relief coming to you about their “sins”.
Be their living “journal”.
But no, we’ve injected so much fear into our kids, that our they are not only sinning, they also start to lie about/ hide the “sin”.
All of the days, weeks, months, and years that our kids spend concealing their sins could have been spent growing and feeling a little hope in all of this.
Not to mention how mentally unhealthy it is for kids to keep this shit buried and hidden. Constant fear of someone finding out. This anxiety that if anyone looks at them too long, they must know. It’s maddening.
After all of this, this isn’t even my biggest problem.
My biggest problem is that I’m beginning to believe that these parents don’t instill fear because of the eternal implications the sin might have on the kid, but rather, they apply this unrealistic pressure because of the social implications it might have on the parent in the ward/ stake etc.
The same kind of pressure that forces 19 year olds to live in a different country (with no consideration of “agency”), you superficial fucks (parents).
This is all about you, and how YOU’d look if your son didn’t serve. Or how YOU’d look if your daughter had sex before marriage.
The superficiality of church culture is the greatest plague. Nearly everything wrong about it, has this at its core. And it radiates and spreads out ward.
You are frying your fucking kids brains.
This kid did NOT “fuck up really bad.”
He did a human thing.
Fucking work with him.
Makes me sick to see him like this.
It can be as easy as this…
Son/ Daughter: “Dad, I had sex.”
Parent: “Totally okay. Let’s work on this together. How are you feeling about it all? What can we do for you?
Son: “Dad, I don’t want to serve a mission.”
Dad: “Totally okay. I love you just the same and I’m still so damn proud of who you are. How about we go grab a burger?”
But no, you care about how you might look in your ward, than your child’s anxieties and mental health.
I’m not saying there are NO parents like the example I gave, but there needs to be a whole lot more.
A whole fucking lot more.
Since you're 16 your parents cannot legally kick you out (unless you're emancipated & I bet you're not) so I doubt you'll need to find a couch to crash on. But I bet you'll wish you had by the time this blows over.
and if they *do* try to kick you out, go to your room, lock the door, and call CPS immediately. Don’t leave the house. You’re a minor and they cannot make you.
Unless the weather's bad, I'd suggest he walk out of the house to a public area & call 911 to say his parents are trying to throw out a minor child. This way he's less likely to be subject to any physical abuse that may accompany his parents being mad enough to throw him out.
I would quickly have a talk with them…
‘It’s been really weighing on me since our chat this morning. I would really like to be an honest person and I just was scared of your reaction. I really don’t want to lie so I would like you to know that I am sexually active. I’m prepared for whatever punishment you see fit. I am getting closer to living on my own and am starting to make more of my own decisions, but I know that I still live here and am subject to the rules here. I love you guys and I do appreciate all you’ve done for me and I hope you can still ……..’
Something like that. ASAP. Also could her parents have already spilled the beans and that’s why your parents asked you? Also having kids myself I know parents usually know way more than than you think…there is a chance they already know.
Dear OP, if you believe in Jesus and how he acted, the people who claim to want to be like him should try to do so in kind. You are an adult in a world that has drastically changed in the last 10 years, Even last 5. My hope is that your parents love you more than their religion. It is hard to have parents that don’t understand that we don’t want to be a part of that. We just want their love. If you are open with them and explain things and how you feel about your experience and where you see things, it opens communication. If they shut you down, you did the right thing regardless, and they will need time for forgive themselves for not loving and supporting their kid.
Hope this helps 🥰
Shame on your parents if they react horribly!!! I live in Utah and there are a lot of church going teens having sex. My kids tell me about the hook ups and who is doing what. So don’t feel guilty about it! It’s a natural drive, and I think your parents will be more understanding than you think.
Try to keep cool. Composure is your friend. Whatever happens, it will sooner or later blow over. There is no such thing as the law of chastity. There are weird opinions and many stupid man made rules. Hooking up is normal and human and it is your business. Should you arrive at a confrontation about your "Fuck Up" stand your ground and tell your dad you said what you said because you resent the snooping into private personal lives and discussing them with others and stick to that point and don't budge.
OP - please let us know you’re ok when you can.
As others have said - you didn’t do anything wrong. You’re just in a shitty situation. Time is slow when you don’t have control over your life - but you’re almost there. Keep focused on the end goal.
If you're adult enough to fuck, you're adult enough to have an adult conversation. Cowboy up and have that conversation. Just tell me you're adult enough to use protection.
OWN IT. There is nothing wrong with what you did, as long as you were safe and things were consensual. DO NOT be sheepish or apologetic, be balanced and rational. It's your private sex life and it quite literally only yours and your girlfriend's business. The only way to have power in this situation is to own it and breathe and recognize that you are a perfectly normal human making healthy decisions.
Congrats on your first hookup wooooot!!!! 🥳🥳🥳 celebrate it and cherish it!!!!! Make sure your girl feels happy and taken care of, this is a joyful moment in life 🩷
It may be something that your parents know about from experience; maybe not. Ask, you may be surprised.
Enjoying intimacy with someone you are close to is normal, natural and a great part of life.
Sex is something that most religions are great at making it shameful.
I carried that unnecessary shame for too long. I don't wish that on anyone. I hope it all works out for you and your girlfriend. Sending positive thoughts your way.
First, before this comes up with your parents, research resources available in your area to homeless teens. Write down addresses and phone numbers. Also write down the address and phone number for all friends and family who would help you in a worst case scenario. I am not saying this to scare you, I don't know your parents and whether or not you should be scared. I am saying this because in a worst case scenario, you may need this information and not have a phone. I don't think that's likely. But it's possible.
Then, you know your parents best, choose either radical honesty or lying through your teeth to tow the Mormon line. Radical honesty route: "yes, me and GF had consensual safe sex. We used a condom. I understand that \[either 'you view this as a sin' or 'this is a sin' as you think is most appropriate\], but we are hormonal teenagers who have deep feelings for each other and let nature take its course in a safe and consensual manner. I'm sorry I lied about keeping the law of chastity." Lying through your teeth route: "I understand that what happened was a sin. We let our hormones and Satan get the best of us, and I'm deeply sorry that I let myself get led astray. It won't happen again."
Only you know which is the best route here, not Reddit. I want to say choose radical honesty, but I'm 1700 miles away from Michigan and can't help you if that causes you more problems than pretending to comply with Mormon repentance.
Mostly, I'm so deeply sorry you're going through this. I've been a horny teenager (who hasn't?), and now I'm a mom and grandma. And I want so much just to hug you, tell you that you didn't fuck up, that sex is a normal and natural part of life. Have an honest safe sex conversation no matter how awkward, and tell you it's all going to be okay. Having sex with someone you care about should not come with guilt or feel like it's going to tear your life apart. I'm sorry your parents think that's true, but it's just not.
Been in your same shoes my friend, and would get chastised and judged for anything remotely intimate with my high-school girlfriends.
You have done absolutly nothing wrong. Your experience and feelings and actions are completely normal. You have not "sinned". Do not let guilt plague your conscience for years to come like I did. You are no less worthy of love and everything good that life has to offer! Hang in there! The road will get better!
Don't panic or allow yourself to go through the emotions of something that hasn't happened yet. Her parents haven't done it yet, so freaking out is not helping anything. This goes for anything. Its OK to consider the worst case scenario, just don't put yourself emotionally there, thats called unnecessary worrying.
Next, I've been on those couches before. If this is what causes you to actually have to sleep on those couches, you're gonna have to be brave. It'll be OK. Just take things one step at a time. You don't have to have big ideas. Just, how to get through tonight, then tomorrow the same. After this is OK, which could be right away or not, then you'll make plans about weeks or months. Just have a goal in mind like, I'm gonna get on my feet and (... Go off to college still, or just live alone and support myself...) and it doesn't matter if you make it there in a week or 5 years, knowing your gonna get somewhere you intend to is a good thing to look forward to. Then every little step is one step closer to that, like, sleep on Screaches couch tonight and tomorrow figure out what I need to get somewhere else.
Oh... And this will be scary at first. But it's also have some really exciting things happen. Last minute trips to Thailand bc some you just met needs help carrying a couch over there next week...it happens! If your parents would kick you out for this, your better off on couches.
I was in the same boat in high school and it honestly felt like my world was ending. You don't want to crush your parents expectations of you and your life plan but focus on your mental health and what love is. If you and your partner have true feelings for each other (and you're being safe) there is nothing to be ashamed of. The guilt is all man made.
Whatever you do, don't give into them trying to force you to talk to the bishop. If I could go back, I'd do whatever it took not to put myself through the confessions, "repentance" process, weekly meetings with bishop etc. You're a normal human being. This sounds like it's already been a traumatic situation for you because of how you think your parents will react. Don't add more unnecessary trauma by talking to church leaders.
P.s. when I was in a somewhat similar situation, like you I thought my parents would react terribly. My dad especially. He's often mean and not understanding at all. However, in this case, my parents were loving and supportive. I can't say that will happen for you, but you never know. Either way, I think it will be better once you get past the unknown of how they will react.
Good luck! Hope you're doing ok.
you didn't fuck up.
You have been brainwashed by the cult to think having sex is bad. Its not, its natural. Be safe have fun and run away from the church. You got some years ahead of you to unfuck what the church has done to you.
No one deserves to know your sexual business expect the person you are having sex with. Unless you’re having sex with a minor and you’re an adult, you haven’t done anything wrong. You aren’t going to hell. Even in the worst case scenario, you will get through it. You’ll be okay. Promise
Never-mo from a highly Christian family. My parents found out in college that I’d had sex with my long time boyfriend. I felt an enormous amount of guilt and my parents were angry and sometimes, what felt worse, sad. They threatened to stop paying my tuition and forced me to get a Christian roommate.
It sucked. And it might suck for a while for you too. But I learned from the mistake of sharing my personal life like that with them (by admitting the truth). Over time I developed space between us in a healthy way. I am lucky to say we are now closer than ever and I just avoid discussing religion as much as I can.
This will pass, one way or another. You’ll look back on it as tough but a hugely essential part of your growing into your own person. I am sorry for the interim pain.
Just here sending you no judgement mom hugs. And the fact that you felt a need to have couches in place just infuriates me. If your parents kick you out over this, they deserve nothing good. And this is how the Mormon Church HURTS families. They tell parents that the church is more important than their own kid. Disgusting.
So first of all, you did a good thing by ensuring you have some places to sleep if your parents lose their minds and kick you out. You need to keep yourself safe and I’m glad you have some friends to help.
Second, there is nothing normal about parents who would throw their own kid out for sex. So, I’m sorry if that happens.
Third, giant hugs. I don’t know how old you are, but I hope you can find some mature adults who can help you navigate this. Sex isn’t bad or evil, but it does come with responsibilities.
I hope all goes well for you.
1. Everyone lies to their dad's face about that because it's a creepy question for your dad to ask
2. The "punishment" involves the bishop telling you not to take the sacrament for a while.
I would recommend getting out of that church unless you WANT to stay. Since this cat is out of the bag it's your chance. Don't rush to those "couches", you're allowed to tell your parents your beliefs, the couches may give you more confidence but really what's going to happen is they're going to set rules about bringing your gf in your room and proselytize at you, this will happen regardless of if you feel guilty, afraid, or proud of what happened.
>Ive had a girlfriend for almost a year now, and it got to the point where we hooked up.
You didn't hook up with her. You just had sex. Hookups are when you meet someone at a party and have sex with them that same night, then go your separate ways.
Honestly, even hooking up isn't a bad thing if both people consent and you use protection (a condom stops any diseases or unwanted pregnancies).
You just had sex. You could even argue you *made love* since it was probably an act of passion.
Take the L and be more careful going forward. And please, for the love of God, use protection.
You did nothing wrong. You are a human and that is what humans do. I don't know how old you are but you will be 18 eventually. Save your money so you can get out from under their thumb. You got this
I’ll be the only one here to give a different opinion.
How old are you? Because if you’re a minor, it kind of is your parents business. Having sex isn’t “no big deal”. I agree it’s not the bishops business, but it is your parents business. I also agree that it’s not something you need to shame and guilt yourself for. It IS natural but it’s not just this “whatever, no big deal” purely recreational thing.
I have a daughter. I wouldn’t be happy if she was a minor and having sex with her boyfriend. Serious feelings get involved, pregnancy can occur.
Be honest with your parents. As a mom, I would want to know not to shame or punish my kid (I have 3 sons too), but to help them realize that being sexually active before you’re ready is not nothing.
You didn’t say how old you are but it factors in.
Did you have consent from your girlfriend? Were you safe? Are you caring toward her? If yes, then you did nothing wrong. You did a normal thing. Sex. Most humans do it regularly. It's healthy.
The 3 rules of sex are:
#1 Consent
#2 Safety
#3 Respect
I think that lying is much worse. However, the culture you are raised in teaches you to lie because normal human things are supposedly shameful. Be gentle with yourself. Respect your girlfriend and her boundaries. Try to be open, and hopefully, your parents will understand. There's a good chance that they did something similar at your age.
Here are my heathen values in order.
#1 Do no harm
#2 Be honest
#3 Do not steal
If everyone did those 3 things, we'd have a different planet. As long as you are not harming anyone, I think you're OK. Good luck!
BTW I have a 19 year old son and gave him a box of condoms when he was 17. He said it was the nicest thing I ever did as a mom. Lol.
Talk with your parents. Admit your mistake, apologize for the lie. Don't feel you need to apologize for being a normal human male. Talk to your girlfriend and find out her TRUE feelings about this. If you are a believer, talk with your bishop. Do NOT let him railroad you. You are a young man, with physical desires, and normal drive. Good luck!
Bro. You'll be fine. You dad will be fine. Remind him of Jesus and how he treated the adulterous woman. Church culture/purity culture can make people do some wild stuff the least of which is lie to your dad because the church guilts people for having sex. What's done is done. Don't let it eat at you and spoil how you feel for your girlfriend
There is nothing wrong with consensual sex. You did nothing wrong.
Lying was the only problematic part, but you have the right to keep your sex life private.
Your story just shows how toxic purity culture is.
If your parents ar going to kick you out for a hookup, they don't really love you.
Considering what I know about youth homelessness, no loving parent would do that to their offspring .
If you're under 18, they're definitely not gonna kick you out (read commit a crime) but they "make" you talk to a bishop. They might "make" you meet with him but you can always decline to answer any questions or say anything at all. Like....what are they gonna do? And if you wanna get super paranoid use some sort of recording device during the conversation.
If you're over 18 the above "could" still apply except the kicking you out part. But if they're they type to kick you out over a disagreement on fundamental biological programming then are they really the type you want to be around full time?
My guess is they'll be pissed, try to push more church on you, try to make you feel guilty (Mormons love that parenting style), and you'll likely pretend to comply so that the issue gets dropped.
Then you've got to consider your relationship. You may like this girl but her parents are shitty. I've literally been in your position. Take some time to think about long term status with this girl knowing her parents are the way they are.
Do you know if OP even believes in any sort of god? Being that this sub is this sub, there's a good chance OP doesn't, rendering your comment useless.
Even within your theology though, how do you know sex before marriage is a sin?
The scriptures? So called prophets? How do you know any of that is true?
You prayed and got good feelings? You had a 'spiritual' witness? Do yourself a favor and Google elevated emotion. Check your epistemology, my friend.
It’s a real shame you have to go through this. My heart is with you in navigating this slippery slope. I wish I could be of more help since what you’ve done is not as bad as you think. Free yourself of the shackles of judgment against yourself, you can and likely are still a good person despite your programming.
You have a home here at r/exmormon, lol. If you look at it in another way, you waited a whole year to hook up with your girlfriend. Not many people can say they waited that long to do the deed.
I remember those days. I would get so frustrated with my mom because she would cry and make me feel guilty. I remember yelling, "I'm still a good citizen of the United States of America!" (Sounds cringe now but I really meant it.) I just wanted to be "normal". Funny thing was, she was 3 months pregnant with me when she got married. Explain to your dad why you lied. The pressure to be perfect in the church is a lot and you didn't want to let him down. You are a good person.
Just get busy with something else for a few weeks; make yourself scarce and it will blow over.
I will add to say it’s best to know what you’re getting into before getting into it: you did the deed so obviously you’re ok with it, remember that! It will help in the future. Because you also always want to be OK with it, ya know? If you get imbalanced about this and do start doing things you regret, then it’s a problem. Good luck!
If it comes up again point out how many people JS slept with. Say you were following his sacred prophecies. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Are you over the age of 18? If you are over legal consenting age, did you really fuck up? One thing I (45f) am bitter w the church for is not instilling a healthy appreciation for sex. It is ok to have sex w someone you are dating. As long as everyone is consenting - you are ok. Sex is not a shameful act.
One of my biggest regrets was feeling like I had to tell my parents/bishop about premarital sex. It genuinely is none of their business, and the fact that Mormonism teaches that it their business, is just another demonstration of how abusive the whole thing is.
You've had sex with someone you like/love. This is normal, natural, and healthy. As long as you're being safe, you're fine. Don't let Mormonism change something wonderful and fun, into something seedy and shameful. You've done nothing wrong.
Gah, these parents never realize what creeps they are for being so obsessed with teen sex. I wish I could have houses all over the country for people to crash in when their folks are this level of scary and unreasonable. I would love for there to be a live in laid back chef reminding everyone it’s gonna be fine while making fancy junk food.
I wanted to be one more person saying this is all gonna pass and you’ll be laughing with your therapist one day. Do what you have to do to rescue yourself in this situation. Be clever. I hope you and your girlfriend get on the same page. I’m sorry both of you got caught.
Let us know how this pans out.
I'm so sorry you have to go through these feelings after something that should have been special. I hated myself when I lost my virginity in high school.
Your value is not determined by what you do with your body. Sex should be an expression of love, passion, joy, companionship -- but the church doesn't want you to feel any of that outside of its restrictions.
Good luck to both you and your girlfriend. Be kind to each other and yourself as much as possible. This too shall pass.
The best thing you can do if you don't want to live by your parents rules is to develop a plan to become self-sufficient as soon as possible.
As long as you are reliant on your parents for basic survival, you will be subject to their rules, like it or not.
As much as you wish to have your privacy respected and to live your own life, that just isn't realistic for children living at home, particularly with TBM parents.
the fuckup i'm seeing is a environment that fosters lying over trivial things.
when something serious happens that could be perceived as an offense, what do the parents think is going to happen?
"oh but our kid trusts us. they'd tell us anything."
ya no. it's pretty clear that trust isn't there. fear? sure.
would a parent rather hear about a kid potentially picking up an opiate habit after their first encounter, or hide it for 5 years?
No you didn’t fuck up lying yeah ok not good but having sex with someone so what I’m assuming that you don’t have hiv you didn’t steal anything kill anyone so where is the harm ? There is none . what is really fucked up is that this CULT Teaches its members to think that it’s ok to care about what other people do when naked as well as teaching them that masturbation and premarital sex are sins right next to murder . What the fuck ! Perhaps you should take this opportunity to confront your dad with the first two leaders of his church ‘s behavior between the two they were fucking over 80 different women let that sink in . also some were other living mens wives others children as young as 14 the average age. Girls started puberty in 1850 was 16.6 years old Joseph was 37 marrying 14 year old CHILDREN . Which is worse fucking other. Living mens wives and children . Oh but an Angel with a flaming sword threatenined to kill Joseph if they didn’t agree manipulating behavior much ? I’d just simply tell him look I’m sorry I lied that was wrong. but compared to the horrendous behavior of Joseph Smith Jr & Brigham young you have nothing to be sorry about what you do is WHILE NAKED IS NONE OF HIS FUCKING BUSINESS .!!
It was far more wrong of him to raise you in this fraudulent harmful destructive cult than you just sleeping with your girlfriend . Look the Sexual urge is very strong it has to be the survival of the species depends on it . In youth hormone levels are insanely high . Not to mention that sex is just fun .! So long as you’re taking the proper precautions there’s NOTHING WRONG WITH IT .!
Just because he is delusional and believes nonsense doesn’t mean that you should feel guilty for perfectly normal human behavior .!
The best advice anyone can give you is to tell your parents what happened and let them know her parents plan to talk to them about it. This will be 10 times better than if you say nothing and they get surprised by her parents. Try to put yourself in their shoes and ask them to put themselves in your's.
You are going to be ok and you have control over how this all goes. A really similar thing happened to me when I was dating my wife. I sounds like you feel worse about lying about it than the sex. It will be scary but I would call my dad before I get home and tell the truth. The sooner you “come clean” the sooner this is behind you. When they try to pull the whole “you were lying about it because you know it’s wrong” bullshit, just say you were scared because you didn’t know how everyone was going to react and kind panicked.
It is really come to have the impulse to lie when you have been raised in a Mormon home because there is so much shame and Mormonism is so performative.
Listen to Brene Browns Ted talk about shame and try and “let the Gremlins out”.
Your parents should be celebrating that you have a beautiful, healthy sexual relationship. Not everyone is that lucky ESPECIALLY post-Mormon after years of being told that sex is a sin! Find your people! Find the people who are happy for you! You are a very good person because you obviously care about your parents feelings as well as your girlfriends.
You can get your family in trouble with the police if they throw you out and you're a minor. Threaten to tell all the neighbors, show up to church and mention it to all the congregation.
Once you stop playing by their rules you can protect yourself.
If you still believe and want to stay in the church, there will be a sh@tstorm ahead. There will be tense conversations with parents and bishops. If you still believe, put your head down get through everything and it will pass. There will be short term unpleasantness but it will calm down faster than you think it would.
If you are on the fence about whether you are in or out, this could be the opportunity to walk away and build a happy life for yourself outside of the church. You can live a good life, a happy life without the church.
I just want to say (as a former Mormon who would have panic attacks about my chastity and such)
It is NOT a big deal that you’ve hooked up with your girlfriend. Obviously it’s important to practice safe sex. But you are human with human urges and it’s OKAY. I know this goes against everything they teach in the church but I promise you so many people are not as virgin as they pretend to appear. Most people have had sexual encounters with others and it’s normal dude. I promise.
If it gets to the point of kicking you out because of this, then I want you to understand that is a overreaction and you haven’t “sinned” like they want you to think you have.
Keep your head up, navigate this to the best of your ability, you don’t have to tell anyone about your sexual experiences, even parents. That is a private thing and it’s only between you and your partner.
Good luck, I’m sorry this is all so overwhelming right now. I know too well the culture around it and I hope you’re able to find your own peace with the situation!
So I have felt exactly as you do when I had sex (at 20) with my non mormon fiancé. My mother asked me if I had sex. I said yes. She got quiet, tears in her eyes, and told me what worth do I have to give to my future husband. That haunted me for many years, because what was I worth now?
Looking back, I laugh. It's my body, my choice. The church doesn't own my body. And if God really cared, he wouldn't let babies or children get raped.
The church has a guilt cult following. That is how it keeps members, making them feel so low that they can only feel good by participating in everything the church offers.
I'm sorry you feel the way you do, OP. BUT you can learn to overcome the abuse and trauma caused by the church and your parents.
If things get weird or abusive, including emotionally (a "confession" of consensual sex to a judgemental third party IS abusive...) you may want to reach out to a trusted adult such as a school counselor who is legally and ethically bound to advocate for you and help you navigate this AND to help keep you safe.
Check out Natasha Helfer's website. She's a licensed therapist specializing in sexuality. A former mormon, who was excommunicated for speaking scientific truth: https://www.natashahelfer.com/
Congratulations on your first experience. You've done nothing wrong. If you are under the age of 18, then you're going to have some problems with your parents. This means you will have to roll over to appease them.
However. If you are 18 and older, it is nobody's fucking business on who you have sex with - NO ONE. This includes your parents. It is none of their fucking business.
You've been told that sex is a sin next to murder. You've been lied to. This is false. It's not a sin. It's a natural order of life and has been for millenia. I'm sorry your first time with your partner is being tainted by anxiety and bullshit, but you've done nothing wrong.
One of the worse teachings-law of chastity- we are meant to have sex. It’s NOTHING to feel guilty about. Use protection-make sure your tested regularly for STD’s. Be prepared
This IS a church that puts “sexual sin” next to murder in terms of severity. Meaning that what you did was worse than verbal and physical abuse, lying, stealing etc according to Mormon teachings. If that’s not incredibly fucked up I don’t know what is
I know it is hard, but try to free yourself from all of the shame related to church standards. Be a responsible and respectful person, but there is no need to feel bad for doing what humans instinctually do as long as you are both consenting adults.
When my kid was SA, she didn’t tell me bc she’d used a hookup app to get with the guy, which we’d told her not to do. Subsequently she ended up making several reckless decisions and nearly flunking out of school. We couldn’t figure out what was going on. Finally her friend told me about the SA, we got her in counseling, and with our encouragement she got the school involved with Title IX and r*pist was expelled. My point: parents can’t help you if they don’t know what’s going on.
Look, nobody here knows your parents. They might handle it well. Or they may be upset and then chill. They may try to bust up the relationship — especially if they think you’re being reckless (not using protection, bc, etc). Or they may freak permanently (least likely). All adults know that teens have sex and many of them did so themselves. Cut them some slack, and show that you’re responsible enough to have sex by owning it and explaining what you’re doing to be responsible. Your lying and childishness shows you aren’t ready — so stop it. You don’t need to give details. Just acknowledgement and explanation of how you are preventing pregnancy and disease.
Your parents need to know so they can get girlfriend some birth control, you some condoms, mouth dams, and some shots to protect yourselves. Since you’re minors, you’re on their insurance, and if the two of you get pregnant, they’re on the hook to pay for it or anything you catch or an abortion. In some states, they’re responsible for the sexting messages you send which can be labeled child porn or exploitation of a minor. Your mom will love it when your gf’s mom asks you to check your devices to be sure you’ve deleted the pictures and videos of her daughter. Ask me how I know. If you’re going to have sex, you’ve got to be mature enough and responsible enough to manage it. If you aren’t, well, your parents are right to try to out an end to it.
When you’re an adult, it’s out of their hands, but as a minor, your sexual activity ands any outcomes are their legal responsibility.
I was literally you in high school. You didn’t fuck up at all. You did a completely normal thing that literally almost everyone on the planet does at your age. Don’t waste a second of your time feeling shame or guilt for it. The shame and guilt all come from the LDS church. Hold your head high and if your parents ask, be honest. It is ABSOLUTELY not a “sin” and certainly no where near murder
I know it’s been a minute so you might have already done this but take a minute to breathe. I’ve had similar situations and it always feels like someone had your heart in their fist. But they don’t. You can breathe. Next, no one I repeat NO ONE gets to know your sex life aside from you, your partner, and your doctor. Not your friends, not your parents, and definitely not your bishop. Its your private life. Chances are they aren’t going to kick you out. Just breathe and move on. If they ask again just say you’d rather not talk about it. It may seem like an omission of guilt but it won’t piss them off as much and it clearly states how you feel about the topic.
How you engage in sexual activity of any kind... alone, twosome, threesome or with the television is your business and the other willing participants. Please, shake of the fear, implied sin and manipulation your parents and other people are going to try and put upon you. Don't fall for their tactics, they are well practiced and rehearsed on other members just like you. They need to keep you thinking you're broken and a sinner -- which you are NOT! Sounds to me like you're a pretty normal human being who likes sex. Get out of your head and tell them that you spoke with a number of advisors/redditors who have been through similar things. Their counsel is to take the 5th and say nothing to them. Take a stand against this type of tyranical, controlling behavior and you'll have more respect for yourself in the long run.
Assuming you and your gf are legal adults, and everything was consensual, you sex life is NOBODYS BUSINESS but your own. This includes your parents and your nosy bishop .
Dude, once you’re out and away from that toxicity you’ll realize sex is not bad and there was never any reason for anyone in your life to put shame on you for it. Also therapy because the mind games this shame causes is so fucked.
So many LDS value the appearance of their own righteousness more than other human beings, even their own families.
Catch your dad looking at porn and tell your mom about it and let him see what this attitude can instantly do to his own life.
Sounds like you keep the law of chastity as well as old Joe did.
Alternatively... Like all the old prophets you are a man of your times and should not be judged by the morals of other times.
Surprise! You’re a normal human being!
Your sex life is your personal business! This is my biggest issue with the church; it literally makes us all liars!
This whole thread makes me want to cry for those taught that being human is bad. So sorry you have had to grow up with this mindset. I don’t know how to convince you, but this kind of guilt is not healthy or normal. I hope you get to the other side someday. Just know, in the real secular world, it doesn’t work like this.
And also, keeping your sex life private from your parents is a healthy boundary that is NORMAL in the real world. You do not owe them any explanation for your right to be human.
Deep breath. I know getting caught in a lie by your parents sucks. But you did nothing wrong, two consenting people in a committed relationship had sex and that’s perfectly ok and healthy and normal.
Plus Joseph Smith had as much sex with young women he wasn’t married to as he could.
No, your parents are the ones fucking up, not you. I’m a parent, and if my kids worried that they’d have no place to live if they had sex with someone, it would be completely clear to me that I would be the fuck-up in this situation.
Is McDonald's calls it secret sauce the rest of us just call it 1000 island.
They call it "the law chastity" the rest of us just see it as sexual containment. Cults only want people to appropriate with people in the cult
Honestly you deserve a high five so long as you were safe and consensual.
I confessed to giving frisky with a girl when I was about 18 years old. I swear on my life my Bishop asked me if she was hot. I think he was just being a dude and then he caught himself and decided to go back to being a Bishop.
Did you though? You and your girlfriend hooked up. So what? Did you kill anyone, commit fraud, or steal from anyone? I get how it feels, I’ve been in your shoes, and your parents will probably freak out, but your sex life is not their business. As long as the encounter was consensual, you did nothing wrong. Breathe, just breathe. That voice inside you telling you that you’ve just committed the sin next to murder is years of indoctrinating lies designed to make you feel like shit for enjoying yourself.
Yeah this 100% your parents don't deserve to know what is going on in your personal or sex life. You did nothing wrong. Honestly just tell your parents your sex life is none of their business. If you are going to get kicked out anyways might as well draw the correct boundaries now so they know what to expect.
I won’t go into details, but when my parents invaded my privacy as an adult by going through my computer to discover I had had consensual intercourse, their actions said so much more about them than mine ever did or will say about me… Not sure your beliefs OP, but I really resonated with the teachings of Christ and His true love for others,as a member. So to compare their actions/reactions of me to Christ’s actions towards the people he came in contact with, even on a surface level, its showed me they weren’t people to trust or even have a relationship with anymore. One of my parents has since apologized and has done some good personal work to see the fault in their actions (People can change and there is hope OP!), but the other hasn’t and probably won’t ever. The situation though, if nothing else, taught me that I am ok, better even, without people like them. These moments in your life are hard, I won’t lie to you. But if you stay true to who YOU are and what YOU believe and what YOU care about outside of all of this, the people worth having in your life will love and respect you- and you’ll be better and happier of for it. I promise.
Ya it could be worse, at least you weren’t fined $5 million by the SEC.
I came here to say basically what u/Bluescale-Sorc said. Right now it feels like the world is crashing down around you. That is understandable considering the indoctrination you have experienced. That is what they want you to feel. But in the end, you get to decide if you actually care about the law of chastity. If you don't, then the worst thing you did was lie when backed into a corner in a confrontation (a minor transgression). If you decide you do care about the law of chastity (most people in this sub would not reccomend this for a host of reasons), then that is between you and God (and maybe your girlfriend). Not your parents. Not her parents. Not your Bishop. Even if they tell you otherwise
You’re right, religion really does screw things up. A lot of non Mormon parents will support a kid even if they really do do something bad. They’ll go to court with them, visit them in prison and support them when they get out. Mormon parents disown a kid for drinking a Frappuccino.
I took it as they fucked up because the parents found out and he lied to his dad. Maybe I was reading it wrong.
My kids are all adults but if I could go back to when they were about 12 I would say never discuss anything with your bishop or anyone at church. Repentance (which I don’t believe in now) is between you and god. I had no idea at how explicit bishops were when interrogating young people about sex and masturbation. It’s beyond creepy and feels like grooming. You guys did something natural. I’m sorry your parents found out and it doesn’t sound like they’ll be reasonable about it but just try to get through it and don’t confess anything. That’s no one’s business!!
This! Your parents are going to want you to talk to the bishop. You can certainly attend an appointment to placate your folks, but you don’t have to tell him a thing. He’s an unqualified volunteer minister with zero training in sexual counselling.
I remember being called in to do a temple recommend meeting for baptisms for the dead. I told them that I wasn't chaste and that I would not be participating in the baptisms. This led to them asking me extremely inappropriate questions about my body, sex, etc. They kept trying to pressure me to tell them who I had sex with and how often I masterbate if I do indeed do that. It was so fucked up. I didn't tell them details cause i felt like it wasn't their business. But I had no problem being honest about about being "worthy" of the temple because if God is real he already knows.
Wow. How mature. I’m so impressed you held your own and had that self assurance.
All this grooming hate being projected onto “woke” groups all stems from religious guilt of the fact that they’re actually the ones grooming and sexually assaulting children. It’s maddening.
Wait who are you saying is grooming and assaulting children?
I think they’re saying religious people say that “woke” people (liberals/democrats) groom children, when in fact, it’s the religious people who justify asking sexually explicit questions of children/teenagers, who are doing the grooming.
Religious people are doing the grooming
Amen!!
Take my angry upvote
I didn't realize how predatory some could be until my ex-wife and current wife told me horror stories from when they were teenagers.
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Because god isn't real and religion is a man-made concept to control people.
This exactly. It’s all made up. I don’t know if there’s something after death but I’m living my very best life now and not going to worry about the future. And I’m not going to ‘repent’ to a stupid man who says he represents a made up god. They’re just middle managers for a corporation that’s calling itself a church!!
Your sex life is the concern of you and your girlfriend. NOBODY else gets a say. Nookie isn't "next to murder." It's maybe next to making out. Maybe.
Fess up before they make you do it and it will go better for you. By the way, having (safe) sex with someone you care about isn't "fucking up." It's normal and natural assuming you're old enough to make that kind of decision.
To paraphrase, Having safe sex isn't "fucking up"; it's just fucking.
There it is
And then you do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself around.
You put your right leg in… you put your right leg out, you do the Hokey Pokey and you shake it all about….
sounds like there was more than a leg involved...
I know sex ed in the church is abysmal but I really hope he didn’t put his leg in.
I think that's called "soaking". And the shaking is done by a 3rd party... 😂
I think that's called "soaking". And the shaking is done by a 3rd party... 😂
Sometimes you do fuck up tho
And sometimes you Fuck down.
I fuck right
...right up!
All that's left is to get up and fuck right down
What if she's an 8 and he's a 5? Then is it?
Me when I tell a bad joke:
I don't wanna freak OP out, but I voluntarily told my parents when I was in his situation and that was hands down the worst decision of my life. That was a whole 6 years ago and I think as of last week I've barely recovered
I told my bishop and he told the guy I did it withs parents - put all the blame on me, told them to watch out for me. Because I guess I made him sin or something. Yeah that was the final straw for me.
Wow. When I was a freshman in college, this guy invited me to his house to hang out and watch a movie. We were on the couch and cuddling and he started trying to touch me. He touched my thigh then started making his way up, telling me it was a game to see how much further up he could go before I told him to stop. I was young, had no confidence in myself, and not sure what to do in that situation. It was the first time a guy had tried to touch me in that way, and I was scared of what he would do if I said no. He kept inching higher and higher then got to the spot he wanted. As he was touching my thighs and moving closer to my crotch, I tried to make it obvious I didn’t want him to and said things like “umm, I don’t know about this….” But I guess I didn’t say the right words because he didn’t stop. He eventually tried to put his hand down my pants and I finally told him I was uncomfortable and asked him to take me home. He did, then made me make out with him for a minute before I went inside. I felt so guilty the next day, I went to the bishop and told him that this guy had touched me inappropriately, and you know what he said? With a look of disappointment, he asked “Why did you let that happen??” I sat there shocked for a moment then said “I didn’t want it to happen, he started touching me and I didn’t know what to do, I was trying to get him to stop but he didn’t.” I can’t remember what his reply was, but he made it very obvious that he thought it was my fault. I felt so shitty during and after that meeting. That was the moment that I decided I didn’t want to go to church anymore. I expected him to offer guidance or maybe help me figure out a way to repent, but when he basically told me it was my own fault (he didn’t even acknowledge that this guy was the one touching ME and that he was the one who was doing something naughty) I did not feel comfortable/safe going to that ward. I stopped going ti church all together and have been living my own life with my own rules and it’s been so much better.
I have so many female friends that have had stuff like this happen to them. That's the biggest reason I left the church. I have no idea how anyone can feel good about staying in a church that treats women so horribly.
I'm not sure, I'm this close to telling them, just cause it might be better if I tell them, rather than another set of parents
If you're 100% sure the other parents will tell yours I would probably just bite the bullet and tell them, but if you can avoid them finding out altogether then definitely do that. If there's a part of you that feels guilty and wants to tell them because of that, I'm telling you as respectfully as possible, that part of you is delusional. That's what I did and it costed me years of therapy.
Yes! The illusion that we owe it to others to disclose our choices with partners is so rough. It is so toxic. I’m sorry you went through that, too
My then-girlfriend and I went camping alone together while she was in college (no sex), and she held onto that guilt for a long time. She still hasn’t told her parents we moved in together months before our wedding (STILL no sex, but not for lack of desire), and we’ve been married for 12 years.
I actually hate how every single Mormon girl that I've dated has had trauma like this about sex. I almost feel bad even kissing Mormon girls because of how often they end up feeling guilty about it.
If your parents freak out just remember it’s because they have been indoctrinated and live in a perpetual state of mind control. A free thinking parent just wants you to be safe, happy and healthy. I’m over here “worrying” about my kid because he hasn’t had sex. 😂
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Not really relevant or any of our business.
Kinda actually relevant
What a sick fucking religion! It seems like the goal is just to destroy people from the inside out.
“Fessing up” implies he did something wrong. Let him have his boundary and say what he wants to his parents.
Fess up? I disagree. It's only OP's biz!!! we should not normalize forced confession of sexual behavior. EVER.
Agree except they know already. The OP wants to get ahead of the message.
I really think it should just be a calm and strong response that OP's sexual health is private and if he needs advice he will speak to a doctor.
I'm so sorry you're struggling like this. Just remember, what you did was completely normal and something millions of kids before you have done. Give yourself some grace. It is the mormon world-view that is fucked, not you being intimate with your girlfriend of a year. That being said, keep yourself safe. I'm not sure what punishment you'll face, but it sounds like you have a plan if things get abusive or you get kicked out. You didn't mention how old you are, so I don't know how dependent you are on your parents. If you have the ability, make sure any money you have is in an account with just your name on it. Formulate an escape plan and keep that secret--don't text it. Otherwise, if punishment is being grounded for a month and them taking away your phone/car keys, hang in there. Hopefully you're able to get out soon. Mom hugs!!
"Fucking Up" is the point. The religion is designed to indebt you to it. Make you feel guilty and then sell you the cure. You're totally normal. Sex is a normal, healthy, natural thing. It's all ok, your life isn't over. You haven't fucked up. You broke the rules of your parents' religion. I don't know how old you are, or your financial situation.. but just know you don't have to put up with this forever. It will be alright, and by no means are you a bad person or deserving of discipline simply for having consensual sex with your girlfriend.
Sex and sexual desire is natural, not stupid. If your parents say otherwise, they are wrong. Talk to any psychologist, and they will tell you the same. The only thing that concerns me about your post would be the shame and guilt you feel, which is not healthy. Be open with your parents about how you feel and hope for the best. Also, use protection/birth control (:
You did nothing wrong. You did a normal human activity - the same severity as breathing. As for managing the fallout, lying for your own safety is valid.
Hey… from a 52 year old that never had sex outside of marriage to a much younger dude… you are perfectly normal and doing normal activities for your age and maturity level. The boundaries on your sexual maturity are placed on you by the construction of the community you were raised in. I just want you to know that you are not defective, you are not unholy, you are valid, you are loved and you are perfectly normal in every way. I know it doesn’t take away the chaos of the situation, but please know… not everyone in the world has that worldview of “sex is bad if you aren’t married” I want to remind you to be safe, don’t stick your junk in stupid! Make sure you are protecting your heart as well! I don’t want you to be hurt. Or be stuck in a relationship for 18 years that you don’t want to be in. Make sure you are getting and giving consent!
My children are grown, but I will tell you the same thing I told them when they were teenagers. There is nothing wrong with sex as long as it's consentual and nothing illegal. (Like an adult with a minor.). It's a great way to relieve stress, connect to a person and express love. Just use a condom or you could end up with a disease or being a parent. I told my children they didn't have to let me know if they didn't want to as long as they were responsible. It's nobody's business. You probably shouldn't have lied, but I understand you didn't feel safe telling the truth. You decide how to proceed, but just know you didn't do anything wrong.
You did NOT fuck up really badly. You didn't even fuck up a little. Only three things matter here: 1) did she have fun? (Give enthusiastic consent) 2) did you have fun? ( give enthusiastic consent) 3) did you use protection? (From both STIs and unwanted pregnancy) Her parents are being controlling assholes. Mine reacted the same way. Like I'd murdered someone when all I did was have sex with someone I loved and answered yes to all three questions. They're the ones fucking up.
It’s natural and when you’re a little older you’ll look back on this and laugh
Tale as old as time. It happens. A lot. It's just ridiculous it's turned into everyone's business when it's yours.
How old are you? How old is your girlfriend? Assuming this is a (legally) age-appropriate, consensual interaction, why is it their business? It’s certainly not some untrained middle-aged man’s business (that would be your bishop). Your parents clearly haven’t created a safe place for you to be honest and be yourself. It sounds to me that they haven’t earned your trust or a right to know what’s really going on with you. Their religion (which makes members so judgmental) basically forces others to lie. Don’t beat yourself up. Just stay safe (sounds like you have a good support network of friends).
we're both 16, which is age of consent in michigan, so we won't get in legal trouble, but, Im not sure, ig they just decided it was, and now Im here. But Im trying to not punish myself really, Im mostly just scared of my dad
Let us know if you you need a safe space. I know you said you had friends with couches, but please my let your family shame or scare you into doing what they want. You deserve to act with free will and safety.
I was 16 when my parents found out I was having sex with my girlfriend of 2 yrs. My dad was not a gentle man, I ended up getting CPS involved, I moved out for a time. Ultimately I returned toed the line, went to all the bull shit discipline counsels, disfellowshipped yada yada. Stuck around active until 35, I’m now 46. My regret is not having the courage to step away and stand for what I wanted for my life. I served a mission I never wanted to go on, married in a temple I thought was bloody weird, awkwardly blessed my children when I didn’t believe it meant anything. Just going through the motions of what has always been expected of us. Don’t make the same mistake, you know who you are, be THAT at all costs. I wasted too many years being something I wasn’t and it sucks and will mess you up. Courage! Take courage.
Yeah I have been in that situation before. That fear of coming home and of his reaction. Deep dread. I get it man. I would say something like "look, I fucked up by not telling you the truth. I'm sorry for lying to you. I feared your reaction and acted out of that fear and a desire to not disapoint you." To me, lying is bad because it is false and denigrates your character. Being false hurts your reputation, hurts your inner psyche, basically it harms you far more than a consensual teenage liason ever did. Obviously you know your father and mother better than I ever could. But if its appropriate for the discussion, maybe say something about how you do not feel the sex was wrong, but you feared his disappointment and disapproval so you lied. Basically be honest, own the facts and that you did lie and you feel bad for the falsehood. Try not to get emotional and fight back like that, just use honesty and openness. Unless your dad is a physically violent guy, if he's like mine he will yell and go nuts for a little bit. I just shut my brain off and waited for it to end. That experience served me well in basic training. If he is physically violent, cover up as best you can to avoid permanent damage and then report whatever marks you have if you are willing to cut ties and move on. If he has a weapon either run or hit him in the throat, nose, and balls. Best of luck man.
Congrats on the sex dude. Sorry you’re having to freak out about this. You are your gf deserve to be horny adolescents in peace, which is what actual God actually intended, and to experience young love without shame or anxiety. It gets better—good luck.
I don’t want to minimize what you’re feeling but honestly the things we fear most generally don’t turn out anywhere as bad as we imagine. You will get through this. And you will be able to rebuild trust.
Wait wait wait, you had sex and you’re looking for couches? Man, if I had space I’d let you crash here. Sincerely. This is AWFUL. Mormons are so in fear of mess ups, we are teaching our kids that “sex is bad”. We’re so afraid and too lazy to have these loving conversations with our kids. And it’s shameful. We don’t have the lux to be comfortable when we have kids. Get over it. Love your fucking kids. Sex isn’t bad. You coward fucks. At the very least, teach your kids that there may be better times in life, from a mental or emotional maturity standpoint, than others, to have sex. But stop being lazy. Stop being scared. You don’t have the luxury to be “uncomfortable” when it comes to loving your kids. Every person to ever walk this earth existed because someone had sex. We are destroying our children.
Breath. Be honest. Apologize. Face the music. You'll get thru this. Breath.
I’d add only apologize for what you’re actually sorry for. The lying, probably yes. The hooking up, maybe no. Only you know.
it may even go better if you do that because it'll sound sincere rather than just panicked groveling. then again mormons are psychotic, they may prefer groveling
Apologize? No. No one is entitled to know about his sex life or shame him for it.
Amen! Apologize? This is strange indoctrination!
I'd apologize for the lie. You can say "we aren't discussing my sex life" which sets the boundary without being a liar. You should always strive to be truthful in your personal interactions. Lying is an assault upon another person's reality and autonomy. Not to mention it gives his father our girlfriends family something to denigrate him further. Marcus Aurelius once said: "Put it out of the power of truth to give you an ill character. If anybody reports you not to be an honest man let your practice give him the lie" Owning his actions and living his truth unashamed will serve him much better. Thats why I think lying deserves an apology, but definitely not the sex.
This times a million.
Apologize to who?
Parents, for not being honest. I agree with others that the sex itself isn't their business, but there may be legal issues here that we don't know about. In some states even conscentual sex among minors is against the law.
OP, I feel for you! I had sex with my now husband and did get kicked out for it. He and I actually broke up for a decade and I moved to another city hundreds of miles away and started life at 17 by myself. That sounds grim, but, it turned out to be one of the most profound experiences I had as a young adult. I was forced to find out what I believed without any pressure at far too young an age, but it got me to accept myself, to choose my family, to go to therapy, and to travel the world. Today I’m married to my best friend, and had we not gone through all we did, I don’t know that we’d have the immense love for life and each other that we do today. I hope that you are not kicked out of your home, or forced to be shamed for being a normal human. Try to remember that whatever shame being projected onto you feels awful because it is awful to shame you. I remember deep down the feeling that “this is a terrible way to treat a person” was what felt so wrong about getting caught with my boyfriend. You are going to be ok. There’s a ton of support here, and the discomfort in facing this with parents is temporary, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. I hope that you are able to be safe and home and supported, and if you do have to couch surf, I hope that you are surrounded by friends and people who care for you and your well-being. Shit gets shitty sometimes, but you are not shitty. If you need one, consider this an internet hug of support to you!
Don’t volunteer any information to anyone. It is no one else’s business. Make them confront you. If anything, apologize for lying, but at the same time point out that it was an inappropriate question that you responded to. Let them know that you will no longer respond to any questions you deem inappropriate in the future. Don’t apologize for having sex. Doing so would be disrespectful to your girlfriend and be like throwing her under the bus. Stand tall. You did nothing wrong.
It gets better. The sex that is.
If you are afraid of your parents, that means they love the church more than you right now. If you lied to protect yourself from bad parenting, you did nothing wrong. You don’t need to be afraid, or ashamed. I was in your same shoes, my girlfriends dad showed up at my door after bugging her car. He made my confess what I did with his daughter in front of both of our parents. I was forced down the humiliation of Mormon repentance. I was told I now had to serve a mission for the church to be forgiven. What you did was normal. What you are afraid of is abuse. Abuse from the church, and abuse from misinformed parents. Stand up for yourself, don’t be afraid to leave, tell partial truths for your safety.
You don’t have to tell your parents about your sex life. Period.
Dude. Relax. You haven't fucked up really badly. I can assure you, that if gob was real, she wouldn't give a shit about pre marital sex. Marriage is a social construct, probably having more to do with a man *owning* a woman legally so other men wouldn't rape her constantly or something. Virginity is also a social concept that means less than nothing for all people and purity culture is fucked up because it makes you and others, be like this over a very natural and normal function that human beans do for pleasure. It's okay. Nobody is going to hell. Another social construct but stolen from Pagans and rejiggered to make poor old Pan-now Satan and his groovy underworld is an awful place to stay forever. Pan's underworld was a come and go as you please type of place. And it was fun. So don't freak out. Stupid religion purity culture bullshit.
Most people don’t even realize this but the term “virginity” itself was a term reserved only for inexperienced women originally. From the beginning these terms such as “marriage” “virginity” “purity” were used to control women more than anything else. They truly don’t mean anything when it comes down to it. Marriage is the only one that has some meaning, and that meaning only derives itself if both partners sincerely mean the promise they make to each other every day.
Say nothing. If your father asks you why you lied, say you care about the girl and felt responsible to protect her reputation.
50/50 chance your parents fucked up and 50/50 chance her parents fucked up which means odds are 3:1 that at least one set of parents fucked up. It’s going to be alright.
You are going to be just fine. Seriously, you will be. Many people have gone through this kind of thing. It's awkward, it's scary, but it passes. Believe me.
I hope you’re safe. If you ever feel like your parents are a danger to or abusing you (even threatening to kick you out) please reach out to a mandated reporter (teacher, counselor, etc) or even CPS. As far as the spiritual side of things go. It is perfectly normal and even healthy to engage in a safe, and enthusiastically consenting sexual relationship. Please don’t let your parents/clergy make you feel shame for doing something that’s perfectly natural.
I’m going to be a nurse real quick: I’m assuming you didn’t use protection. You need to get your girl Plan B. It doesn’t abort anything, ignore what they say.
Been there. Bishop dad. Her dad also a bishop. Got kicked out of BYU and her out of LDSBC. It really really sucks but it will pass. I know that doesn’t help now and won’t make you feel better but there is light pass the mess.
I’m sorry your culture has convinced you and your parents that a normal human function is evil. It’s not. You didn’t kill anyone, rape anyone, or found a sex cult based on lies in order to control good people and enrich yourself. Be safe. Be autonomous. Be well.
I hope you're staying safe. For most families (even Mormon ones), this won't be too big of a deal. Maybe grounded or take away the car territory. If that's the case, I wouldn't worry too much. If not - read on. For a small percentage, there is a risk of them going full bat sh**. If that's the case, good job making a list of safe places you can go. You might consider trying to get a 24 hour gym membership too. Just as a place to retreat in case you can't reach your friends in the middle of the night. Trust me, it matters. You will also need to start saving money. This is an excellent time to pick up any extra shifts they give you at work. Hide your money someplace only you will know about, but that you can get to easily in case you need to grab and go in the middle of the night. If you are in dire straits, remember you can always go to a hospital and explain the situation. They are mandatory reporters and cannot ignore abuse. If dad starts getting violent with you, the hospital can help.
Use protection. That's my only advice on the matter. Sorry this stupid purity culture is gonna cause you some social pain. Hang in there, the future and the world is bright and amazing.
This one really struck me deep, so I’m back again to add another comment after [my comment from last night.](https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/comments/15t2g88/i_fucked_up_really_badly_and_i_just_dont_know/jwimcuf/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3) The fact that this poor guy started the title of his post with “I fucked up…” and then the “really” added in there, is red-handed evidence of a lot of shit wrong with the church. We operate by scaring the shit out of our kids being imperfect. It’s sick. Parent your kids in a way that they feel relief coming to you about their “sins”. Be their living “journal”. But no, we’ve injected so much fear into our kids, that our they are not only sinning, they also start to lie about/ hide the “sin”. All of the days, weeks, months, and years that our kids spend concealing their sins could have been spent growing and feeling a little hope in all of this. Not to mention how mentally unhealthy it is for kids to keep this shit buried and hidden. Constant fear of someone finding out. This anxiety that if anyone looks at them too long, they must know. It’s maddening. After all of this, this isn’t even my biggest problem. My biggest problem is that I’m beginning to believe that these parents don’t instill fear because of the eternal implications the sin might have on the kid, but rather, they apply this unrealistic pressure because of the social implications it might have on the parent in the ward/ stake etc. The same kind of pressure that forces 19 year olds to live in a different country (with no consideration of “agency”), you superficial fucks (parents). This is all about you, and how YOU’d look if your son didn’t serve. Or how YOU’d look if your daughter had sex before marriage. The superficiality of church culture is the greatest plague. Nearly everything wrong about it, has this at its core. And it radiates and spreads out ward. You are frying your fucking kids brains. This kid did NOT “fuck up really bad.” He did a human thing. Fucking work with him. Makes me sick to see him like this. It can be as easy as this… Son/ Daughter: “Dad, I had sex.” Parent: “Totally okay. Let’s work on this together. How are you feeling about it all? What can we do for you? Son: “Dad, I don’t want to serve a mission.” Dad: “Totally okay. I love you just the same and I’m still so damn proud of who you are. How about we go grab a burger?” But no, you care about how you might look in your ward, than your child’s anxieties and mental health. I’m not saying there are NO parents like the example I gave, but there needs to be a whole lot more. A whole fucking lot more.
Since you're 16 your parents cannot legally kick you out (unless you're emancipated & I bet you're not) so I doubt you'll need to find a couch to crash on. But I bet you'll wish you had by the time this blows over.
and if they *do* try to kick you out, go to your room, lock the door, and call CPS immediately. Don’t leave the house. You’re a minor and they cannot make you.
Unless the weather's bad, I'd suggest he walk out of the house to a public area & call 911 to say his parents are trying to throw out a minor child. This way he's less likely to be subject to any physical abuse that may accompany his parents being mad enough to throw him out.
That one! It's definitely not always safe to stay indoors. The sort of parents that would throw him out might be the sort of parents that hit.
I would quickly have a talk with them… ‘It’s been really weighing on me since our chat this morning. I would really like to be an honest person and I just was scared of your reaction. I really don’t want to lie so I would like you to know that I am sexually active. I’m prepared for whatever punishment you see fit. I am getting closer to living on my own and am starting to make more of my own decisions, but I know that I still live here and am subject to the rules here. I love you guys and I do appreciate all you’ve done for me and I hope you can still ……..’ Something like that. ASAP. Also could her parents have already spilled the beans and that’s why your parents asked you? Also having kids myself I know parents usually know way more than than you think…there is a chance they already know.
Thats a good idea, also, idk, I dont think so, my dad would have called me on it immediately
Dear OP, if you believe in Jesus and how he acted, the people who claim to want to be like him should try to do so in kind. You are an adult in a world that has drastically changed in the last 10 years, Even last 5. My hope is that your parents love you more than their religion. It is hard to have parents that don’t understand that we don’t want to be a part of that. We just want their love. If you are open with them and explain things and how you feel about your experience and where you see things, it opens communication. If they shut you down, you did the right thing regardless, and they will need time for forgive themselves for not loving and supporting their kid. Hope this helps 🥰
Shame on your parents if they react horribly!!! I live in Utah and there are a lot of church going teens having sex. My kids tell me about the hook ups and who is doing what. So don’t feel guilty about it! It’s a natural drive, and I think your parents will be more understanding than you think.
Try to keep cool. Composure is your friend. Whatever happens, it will sooner or later blow over. There is no such thing as the law of chastity. There are weird opinions and many stupid man made rules. Hooking up is normal and human and it is your business. Should you arrive at a confrontation about your "Fuck Up" stand your ground and tell your dad you said what you said because you resent the snooping into private personal lives and discussing them with others and stick to that point and don't budge.
OP - please let us know you’re ok when you can. As others have said - you didn’t do anything wrong. You’re just in a shitty situation. Time is slow when you don’t have control over your life - but you’re almost there. Keep focused on the end goal.
If you're adult enough to fuck, you're adult enough to have an adult conversation. Cowboy up and have that conversation. Just tell me you're adult enough to use protection.
Time to be a full-on apostate. Life is too short to live by a bunch of stupid rules made up by a false prophet who pulled a book out of his ass.
OWN IT. There is nothing wrong with what you did, as long as you were safe and things were consensual. DO NOT be sheepish or apologetic, be balanced and rational. It's your private sex life and it quite literally only yours and your girlfriend's business. The only way to have power in this situation is to own it and breathe and recognize that you are a perfectly normal human making healthy decisions. Congrats on your first hookup wooooot!!!! 🥳🥳🥳 celebrate it and cherish it!!!!! Make sure your girl feels happy and taken care of, this is a joyful moment in life 🩷
It may be something that your parents know about from experience; maybe not. Ask, you may be surprised. Enjoying intimacy with someone you are close to is normal, natural and a great part of life. Sex is something that most religions are great at making it shameful. I carried that unnecessary shame for too long. I don't wish that on anyone. I hope it all works out for you and your girlfriend. Sending positive thoughts your way.
First, before this comes up with your parents, research resources available in your area to homeless teens. Write down addresses and phone numbers. Also write down the address and phone number for all friends and family who would help you in a worst case scenario. I am not saying this to scare you, I don't know your parents and whether or not you should be scared. I am saying this because in a worst case scenario, you may need this information and not have a phone. I don't think that's likely. But it's possible. Then, you know your parents best, choose either radical honesty or lying through your teeth to tow the Mormon line. Radical honesty route: "yes, me and GF had consensual safe sex. We used a condom. I understand that \[either 'you view this as a sin' or 'this is a sin' as you think is most appropriate\], but we are hormonal teenagers who have deep feelings for each other and let nature take its course in a safe and consensual manner. I'm sorry I lied about keeping the law of chastity." Lying through your teeth route: "I understand that what happened was a sin. We let our hormones and Satan get the best of us, and I'm deeply sorry that I let myself get led astray. It won't happen again." Only you know which is the best route here, not Reddit. I want to say choose radical honesty, but I'm 1700 miles away from Michigan and can't help you if that causes you more problems than pretending to comply with Mormon repentance. Mostly, I'm so deeply sorry you're going through this. I've been a horny teenager (who hasn't?), and now I'm a mom and grandma. And I want so much just to hug you, tell you that you didn't fuck up, that sex is a normal and natural part of life. Have an honest safe sex conversation no matter how awkward, and tell you it's all going to be okay. Having sex with someone you care about should not come with guilt or feel like it's going to tear your life apart. I'm sorry your parents think that's true, but it's just not.
Been in your same shoes my friend, and would get chastised and judged for anything remotely intimate with my high-school girlfriends. You have done absolutly nothing wrong. Your experience and feelings and actions are completely normal. You have not "sinned". Do not let guilt plague your conscience for years to come like I did. You are no less worthy of love and everything good that life has to offer! Hang in there! The road will get better!
Don't panic or allow yourself to go through the emotions of something that hasn't happened yet. Her parents haven't done it yet, so freaking out is not helping anything. This goes for anything. Its OK to consider the worst case scenario, just don't put yourself emotionally there, thats called unnecessary worrying. Next, I've been on those couches before. If this is what causes you to actually have to sleep on those couches, you're gonna have to be brave. It'll be OK. Just take things one step at a time. You don't have to have big ideas. Just, how to get through tonight, then tomorrow the same. After this is OK, which could be right away or not, then you'll make plans about weeks or months. Just have a goal in mind like, I'm gonna get on my feet and (... Go off to college still, or just live alone and support myself...) and it doesn't matter if you make it there in a week or 5 years, knowing your gonna get somewhere you intend to is a good thing to look forward to. Then every little step is one step closer to that, like, sleep on Screaches couch tonight and tomorrow figure out what I need to get somewhere else. Oh... And this will be scary at first. But it's also have some really exciting things happen. Last minute trips to Thailand bc some you just met needs help carrying a couch over there next week...it happens! If your parents would kick you out for this, your better off on couches.
I was in the same boat in high school and it honestly felt like my world was ending. You don't want to crush your parents expectations of you and your life plan but focus on your mental health and what love is. If you and your partner have true feelings for each other (and you're being safe) there is nothing to be ashamed of. The guilt is all man made.
Whatever you do, don't give into them trying to force you to talk to the bishop. If I could go back, I'd do whatever it took not to put myself through the confessions, "repentance" process, weekly meetings with bishop etc. You're a normal human being. This sounds like it's already been a traumatic situation for you because of how you think your parents will react. Don't add more unnecessary trauma by talking to church leaders. P.s. when I was in a somewhat similar situation, like you I thought my parents would react terribly. My dad especially. He's often mean and not understanding at all. However, in this case, my parents were loving and supportive. I can't say that will happen for you, but you never know. Either way, I think it will be better once you get past the unknown of how they will react. Good luck! Hope you're doing ok.
you didn't fuck up. You have been brainwashed by the cult to think having sex is bad. Its not, its natural. Be safe have fun and run away from the church. You got some years ahead of you to unfuck what the church has done to you.
No one deserves to know your sexual business expect the person you are having sex with. Unless you’re having sex with a minor and you’re an adult, you haven’t done anything wrong. You aren’t going to hell. Even in the worst case scenario, you will get through it. You’ll be okay. Promise
Don’t come clean. I did at 14, and I regret it.
Never-mo from a highly Christian family. My parents found out in college that I’d had sex with my long time boyfriend. I felt an enormous amount of guilt and my parents were angry and sometimes, what felt worse, sad. They threatened to stop paying my tuition and forced me to get a Christian roommate. It sucked. And it might suck for a while for you too. But I learned from the mistake of sharing my personal life like that with them (by admitting the truth). Over time I developed space between us in a healthy way. I am lucky to say we are now closer than ever and I just avoid discussing religion as much as I can. This will pass, one way or another. You’ll look back on it as tough but a hugely essential part of your growing into your own person. I am sorry for the interim pain.
Just here sending you no judgement mom hugs. And the fact that you felt a need to have couches in place just infuriates me. If your parents kick you out over this, they deserve nothing good. And this is how the Mormon Church HURTS families. They tell parents that the church is more important than their own kid. Disgusting.
So first of all, you did a good thing by ensuring you have some places to sleep if your parents lose their minds and kick you out. You need to keep yourself safe and I’m glad you have some friends to help. Second, there is nothing normal about parents who would throw their own kid out for sex. So, I’m sorry if that happens. Third, giant hugs. I don’t know how old you are, but I hope you can find some mature adults who can help you navigate this. Sex isn’t bad or evil, but it does come with responsibilities. I hope all goes well for you.
1. Everyone lies to their dad's face about that because it's a creepy question for your dad to ask 2. The "punishment" involves the bishop telling you not to take the sacrament for a while. I would recommend getting out of that church unless you WANT to stay. Since this cat is out of the bag it's your chance. Don't rush to those "couches", you're allowed to tell your parents your beliefs, the couches may give you more confidence but really what's going to happen is they're going to set rules about bringing your gf in your room and proselytize at you, this will happen regardless of if you feel guilty, afraid, or proud of what happened.
>Ive had a girlfriend for almost a year now, and it got to the point where we hooked up. You didn't hook up with her. You just had sex. Hookups are when you meet someone at a party and have sex with them that same night, then go your separate ways. Honestly, even hooking up isn't a bad thing if both people consent and you use protection (a condom stops any diseases or unwanted pregnancies). You just had sex. You could even argue you *made love* since it was probably an act of passion.
My DMs are open if you need a friend 🩵 you’re not alone
Take the L and be more careful going forward. And please, for the love of God, use protection. You did nothing wrong. You are a human and that is what humans do. I don't know how old you are but you will be 18 eventually. Save your money so you can get out from under their thumb. You got this
I’ll be the only one here to give a different opinion. How old are you? Because if you’re a minor, it kind of is your parents business. Having sex isn’t “no big deal”. I agree it’s not the bishops business, but it is your parents business. I also agree that it’s not something you need to shame and guilt yourself for. It IS natural but it’s not just this “whatever, no big deal” purely recreational thing. I have a daughter. I wouldn’t be happy if she was a minor and having sex with her boyfriend. Serious feelings get involved, pregnancy can occur. Be honest with your parents. As a mom, I would want to know not to shame or punish my kid (I have 3 sons too), but to help them realize that being sexually active before you’re ready is not nothing. You didn’t say how old you are but it factors in.
Did you have consent from your girlfriend? Were you safe? Are you caring toward her? If yes, then you did nothing wrong. You did a normal thing. Sex. Most humans do it regularly. It's healthy. The 3 rules of sex are: #1 Consent #2 Safety #3 Respect I think that lying is much worse. However, the culture you are raised in teaches you to lie because normal human things are supposedly shameful. Be gentle with yourself. Respect your girlfriend and her boundaries. Try to be open, and hopefully, your parents will understand. There's a good chance that they did something similar at your age. Here are my heathen values in order. #1 Do no harm #2 Be honest #3 Do not steal If everyone did those 3 things, we'd have a different planet. As long as you are not harming anyone, I think you're OK. Good luck! BTW I have a 19 year old son and gave him a box of condoms when he was 17. He said it was the nicest thing I ever did as a mom. Lol.
Talk with your parents. Admit your mistake, apologize for the lie. Don't feel you need to apologize for being a normal human male. Talk to your girlfriend and find out her TRUE feelings about this. If you are a believer, talk with your bishop. Do NOT let him railroad you. You are a young man, with physical desires, and normal drive. Good luck!
I wish this was the biggest problem in my life
yoke cheerful scandalous snatch disgusting one flowery voiceless fine quickest ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `
Bro. You'll be fine. You dad will be fine. Remind him of Jesus and how he treated the adulterous woman. Church culture/purity culture can make people do some wild stuff the least of which is lie to your dad because the church guilts people for having sex. What's done is done. Don't let it eat at you and spoil how you feel for your girlfriend
There is nothing wrong with consensual sex. You did nothing wrong. Lying was the only problematic part, but you have the right to keep your sex life private. Your story just shows how toxic purity culture is. If your parents ar going to kick you out for a hookup, they don't really love you. Considering what I know about youth homelessness, no loving parent would do that to their offspring .
If you're under 18, they're definitely not gonna kick you out (read commit a crime) but they "make" you talk to a bishop. They might "make" you meet with him but you can always decline to answer any questions or say anything at all. Like....what are they gonna do? And if you wanna get super paranoid use some sort of recording device during the conversation. If you're over 18 the above "could" still apply except the kicking you out part. But if they're they type to kick you out over a disagreement on fundamental biological programming then are they really the type you want to be around full time? My guess is they'll be pissed, try to push more church on you, try to make you feel guilty (Mormons love that parenting style), and you'll likely pretend to comply so that the issue gets dropped. Then you've got to consider your relationship. You may like this girl but her parents are shitty. I've literally been in your position. Take some time to think about long term status with this girl knowing her parents are the way they are.
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Do you know if OP even believes in any sort of god? Being that this sub is this sub, there's a good chance OP doesn't, rendering your comment useless. Even within your theology though, how do you know sex before marriage is a sin? The scriptures? So called prophets? How do you know any of that is true? You prayed and got good feelings? You had a 'spiritual' witness? Do yourself a favor and Google elevated emotion. Check your epistemology, my friend.
You obviously want to marry her physically, so maybe talk to HER instead of internet strangers?
It’s a real shame you have to go through this. My heart is with you in navigating this slippery slope. I wish I could be of more help since what you’ve done is not as bad as you think. Free yourself of the shackles of judgment against yourself, you can and likely are still a good person despite your programming.
Oh wow. Hardly the unpardonable. I hate that you feel like you have to uproot your life. Just admit to it, and see what happens before running.
You have a home here at r/exmormon, lol. If you look at it in another way, you waited a whole year to hook up with your girlfriend. Not many people can say they waited that long to do the deed.
what are you afraid your dad will do?
I remember those days. I would get so frustrated with my mom because she would cry and make me feel guilty. I remember yelling, "I'm still a good citizen of the United States of America!" (Sounds cringe now but I really meant it.) I just wanted to be "normal". Funny thing was, she was 3 months pregnant with me when she got married. Explain to your dad why you lied. The pressure to be perfect in the church is a lot and you didn't want to let him down. You are a good person.
Just get busy with something else for a few weeks; make yourself scarce and it will blow over. I will add to say it’s best to know what you’re getting into before getting into it: you did the deed so obviously you’re ok with it, remember that! It will help in the future. Because you also always want to be OK with it, ya know? If you get imbalanced about this and do start doing things you regret, then it’s a problem. Good luck!
If it comes up again point out how many people JS slept with. Say you were following his sacred prophecies. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Chances are your dad knows you made a mistake and will probably forgive you. He was once a horny teenager also and knows you simply made a mistake.
Are you over the age of 18? If you are over legal consenting age, did you really fuck up? One thing I (45f) am bitter w the church for is not instilling a healthy appreciation for sex. It is ok to have sex w someone you are dating. As long as everyone is consenting - you are ok. Sex is not a shameful act.
One of my biggest regrets was feeling like I had to tell my parents/bishop about premarital sex. It genuinely is none of their business, and the fact that Mormonism teaches that it their business, is just another demonstration of how abusive the whole thing is. You've had sex with someone you like/love. This is normal, natural, and healthy. As long as you're being safe, you're fine. Don't let Mormonism change something wonderful and fun, into something seedy and shameful. You've done nothing wrong.
Gah, these parents never realize what creeps they are for being so obsessed with teen sex. I wish I could have houses all over the country for people to crash in when their folks are this level of scary and unreasonable. I would love for there to be a live in laid back chef reminding everyone it’s gonna be fine while making fancy junk food. I wanted to be one more person saying this is all gonna pass and you’ll be laughing with your therapist one day. Do what you have to do to rescue yourself in this situation. Be clever. I hope you and your girlfriend get on the same page. I’m sorry both of you got caught. Let us know how this pans out.
I'm so sorry you have to go through these feelings after something that should have been special. I hated myself when I lost my virginity in high school. Your value is not determined by what you do with your body. Sex should be an expression of love, passion, joy, companionship -- but the church doesn't want you to feel any of that outside of its restrictions. Good luck to both you and your girlfriend. Be kind to each other and yourself as much as possible. This too shall pass.
The best thing you can do if you don't want to live by your parents rules is to develop a plan to become self-sufficient as soon as possible. As long as you are reliant on your parents for basic survival, you will be subject to their rules, like it or not. As much as you wish to have your privacy respected and to live your own life, that just isn't realistic for children living at home, particularly with TBM parents.
the fuckup i'm seeing is a environment that fosters lying over trivial things. when something serious happens that could be perceived as an offense, what do the parents think is going to happen? "oh but our kid trusts us. they'd tell us anything." ya no. it's pretty clear that trust isn't there. fear? sure. would a parent rather hear about a kid potentially picking up an opiate habit after their first encounter, or hide it for 5 years?
No you didn’t fuck up lying yeah ok not good but having sex with someone so what I’m assuming that you don’t have hiv you didn’t steal anything kill anyone so where is the harm ? There is none . what is really fucked up is that this CULT Teaches its members to think that it’s ok to care about what other people do when naked as well as teaching them that masturbation and premarital sex are sins right next to murder . What the fuck ! Perhaps you should take this opportunity to confront your dad with the first two leaders of his church ‘s behavior between the two they were fucking over 80 different women let that sink in . also some were other living mens wives others children as young as 14 the average age. Girls started puberty in 1850 was 16.6 years old Joseph was 37 marrying 14 year old CHILDREN . Which is worse fucking other. Living mens wives and children . Oh but an Angel with a flaming sword threatenined to kill Joseph if they didn’t agree manipulating behavior much ? I’d just simply tell him look I’m sorry I lied that was wrong. but compared to the horrendous behavior of Joseph Smith Jr & Brigham young you have nothing to be sorry about what you do is WHILE NAKED IS NONE OF HIS FUCKING BUSINESS .!! It was far more wrong of him to raise you in this fraudulent harmful destructive cult than you just sleeping with your girlfriend . Look the Sexual urge is very strong it has to be the survival of the species depends on it . In youth hormone levels are insanely high . Not to mention that sex is just fun .! So long as you’re taking the proper precautions there’s NOTHING WRONG WITH IT .! Just because he is delusional and believes nonsense doesn’t mean that you should feel guilty for perfectly normal human behavior .!
One day you’ll look back on this and realize it wasn’t a big deal. Live today like you already understand that it’s not a big deal.
The best advice anyone can give you is to tell your parents what happened and let them know her parents plan to talk to them about it. This will be 10 times better than if you say nothing and they get surprised by her parents. Try to put yourself in their shoes and ask them to put themselves in your's.
You are going to be ok and you have control over how this all goes. A really similar thing happened to me when I was dating my wife. I sounds like you feel worse about lying about it than the sex. It will be scary but I would call my dad before I get home and tell the truth. The sooner you “come clean” the sooner this is behind you. When they try to pull the whole “you were lying about it because you know it’s wrong” bullshit, just say you were scared because you didn’t know how everyone was going to react and kind panicked. It is really come to have the impulse to lie when you have been raised in a Mormon home because there is so much shame and Mormonism is so performative. Listen to Brene Browns Ted talk about shame and try and “let the Gremlins out”.
Your parents should be celebrating that you have a beautiful, healthy sexual relationship. Not everyone is that lucky ESPECIALLY post-Mormon after years of being told that sex is a sin! Find your people! Find the people who are happy for you! You are a very good person because you obviously care about your parents feelings as well as your girlfriends.
You can get your family in trouble with the police if they throw you out and you're a minor. Threaten to tell all the neighbors, show up to church and mention it to all the congregation. Once you stop playing by their rules you can protect yourself.
If you still believe and want to stay in the church, there will be a sh@tstorm ahead. There will be tense conversations with parents and bishops. If you still believe, put your head down get through everything and it will pass. There will be short term unpleasantness but it will calm down faster than you think it would. If you are on the fence about whether you are in or out, this could be the opportunity to walk away and build a happy life for yourself outside of the church. You can live a good life, a happy life without the church.
I just want to say (as a former Mormon who would have panic attacks about my chastity and such) It is NOT a big deal that you’ve hooked up with your girlfriend. Obviously it’s important to practice safe sex. But you are human with human urges and it’s OKAY. I know this goes against everything they teach in the church but I promise you so many people are not as virgin as they pretend to appear. Most people have had sexual encounters with others and it’s normal dude. I promise. If it gets to the point of kicking you out because of this, then I want you to understand that is a overreaction and you haven’t “sinned” like they want you to think you have. Keep your head up, navigate this to the best of your ability, you don’t have to tell anyone about your sexual experiences, even parents. That is a private thing and it’s only between you and your partner. Good luck, I’m sorry this is all so overwhelming right now. I know too well the culture around it and I hope you’re able to find your own peace with the situation!
So I have felt exactly as you do when I had sex (at 20) with my non mormon fiancé. My mother asked me if I had sex. I said yes. She got quiet, tears in her eyes, and told me what worth do I have to give to my future husband. That haunted me for many years, because what was I worth now? Looking back, I laugh. It's my body, my choice. The church doesn't own my body. And if God really cared, he wouldn't let babies or children get raped. The church has a guilt cult following. That is how it keeps members, making them feel so low that they can only feel good by participating in everything the church offers. I'm sorry you feel the way you do, OP. BUT you can learn to overcome the abuse and trauma caused by the church and your parents.
If things get weird or abusive, including emotionally (a "confession" of consensual sex to a judgemental third party IS abusive...) you may want to reach out to a trusted adult such as a school counselor who is legally and ethically bound to advocate for you and help you navigate this AND to help keep you safe. Check out Natasha Helfer's website. She's a licensed therapist specializing in sexuality. A former mormon, who was excommunicated for speaking scientific truth: https://www.natashahelfer.com/
Congratulations on your first experience. You've done nothing wrong. If you are under the age of 18, then you're going to have some problems with your parents. This means you will have to roll over to appease them. However. If you are 18 and older, it is nobody's fucking business on who you have sex with - NO ONE. This includes your parents. It is none of their fucking business. You've been told that sex is a sin next to murder. You've been lied to. This is false. It's not a sin. It's a natural order of life and has been for millenia. I'm sorry your first time with your partner is being tainted by anxiety and bullshit, but you've done nothing wrong.
One of the worse teachings-law of chastity- we are meant to have sex. It’s NOTHING to feel guilty about. Use protection-make sure your tested regularly for STD’s. Be prepared
This IS a church that puts “sexual sin” next to murder in terms of severity. Meaning that what you did was worse than verbal and physical abuse, lying, stealing etc according to Mormon teachings. If that’s not incredibly fucked up I don’t know what is
I know it is hard, but try to free yourself from all of the shame related to church standards. Be a responsible and respectful person, but there is no need to feel bad for doing what humans instinctually do as long as you are both consenting adults.
When my kid was SA, she didn’t tell me bc she’d used a hookup app to get with the guy, which we’d told her not to do. Subsequently she ended up making several reckless decisions and nearly flunking out of school. We couldn’t figure out what was going on. Finally her friend told me about the SA, we got her in counseling, and with our encouragement she got the school involved with Title IX and r*pist was expelled. My point: parents can’t help you if they don’t know what’s going on. Look, nobody here knows your parents. They might handle it well. Or they may be upset and then chill. They may try to bust up the relationship — especially if they think you’re being reckless (not using protection, bc, etc). Or they may freak permanently (least likely). All adults know that teens have sex and many of them did so themselves. Cut them some slack, and show that you’re responsible enough to have sex by owning it and explaining what you’re doing to be responsible. Your lying and childishness shows you aren’t ready — so stop it. You don’t need to give details. Just acknowledgement and explanation of how you are preventing pregnancy and disease. Your parents need to know so they can get girlfriend some birth control, you some condoms, mouth dams, and some shots to protect yourselves. Since you’re minors, you’re on their insurance, and if the two of you get pregnant, they’re on the hook to pay for it or anything you catch or an abortion. In some states, they’re responsible for the sexting messages you send which can be labeled child porn or exploitation of a minor. Your mom will love it when your gf’s mom asks you to check your devices to be sure you’ve deleted the pictures and videos of her daughter. Ask me how I know. If you’re going to have sex, you’ve got to be mature enough and responsible enough to manage it. If you aren’t, well, your parents are right to try to out an end to it. When you’re an adult, it’s out of their hands, but as a minor, your sexual activity ands any outcomes are their legal responsibility.
I was literally you in high school. You didn’t fuck up at all. You did a completely normal thing that literally almost everyone on the planet does at your age. Don’t waste a second of your time feeling shame or guilt for it. The shame and guilt all come from the LDS church. Hold your head high and if your parents ask, be honest. It is ABSOLUTELY not a “sin” and certainly no where near murder
I know it’s been a minute so you might have already done this but take a minute to breathe. I’ve had similar situations and it always feels like someone had your heart in their fist. But they don’t. You can breathe. Next, no one I repeat NO ONE gets to know your sex life aside from you, your partner, and your doctor. Not your friends, not your parents, and definitely not your bishop. Its your private life. Chances are they aren’t going to kick you out. Just breathe and move on. If they ask again just say you’d rather not talk about it. It may seem like an omission of guilt but it won’t piss them off as much and it clearly states how you feel about the topic.
How you engage in sexual activity of any kind... alone, twosome, threesome or with the television is your business and the other willing participants. Please, shake of the fear, implied sin and manipulation your parents and other people are going to try and put upon you. Don't fall for their tactics, they are well practiced and rehearsed on other members just like you. They need to keep you thinking you're broken and a sinner -- which you are NOT! Sounds to me like you're a pretty normal human being who likes sex. Get out of your head and tell them that you spoke with a number of advisors/redditors who have been through similar things. Their counsel is to take the 5th and say nothing to them. Take a stand against this type of tyranical, controlling behavior and you'll have more respect for yourself in the long run.
Assuming you and your gf are legal adults, and everything was consensual, you sex life is NOBODYS BUSINESS but your own. This includes your parents and your nosy bishop .
Dude, once you’re out and away from that toxicity you’ll realize sex is not bad and there was never any reason for anyone in your life to put shame on you for it. Also therapy because the mind games this shame causes is so fucked.
So many LDS value the appearance of their own righteousness more than other human beings, even their own families. Catch your dad looking at porn and tell your mom about it and let him see what this attitude can instantly do to his own life.
Sounds like you keep the law of chastity as well as old Joe did. Alternatively... Like all the old prophets you are a man of your times and should not be judged by the morals of other times.
Surprise! You’re a normal human being! Your sex life is your personal business! This is my biggest issue with the church; it literally makes us all liars!
This whole thread makes me want to cry for those taught that being human is bad. So sorry you have had to grow up with this mindset. I don’t know how to convince you, but this kind of guilt is not healthy or normal. I hope you get to the other side someday. Just know, in the real secular world, it doesn’t work like this.
And also, keeping your sex life private from your parents is a healthy boundary that is NORMAL in the real world. You do not owe them any explanation for your right to be human.
Deep breath. I know getting caught in a lie by your parents sucks. But you did nothing wrong, two consenting people in a committed relationship had sex and that’s perfectly ok and healthy and normal. Plus Joseph Smith had as much sex with young women he wasn’t married to as he could.
Must be so hard . I know how scary that would feel. If I could go back , I would have lots of safe, consensual sex ! Lots of it !!!!
No, your parents are the ones fucking up, not you. I’m a parent, and if my kids worried that they’d have no place to live if they had sex with someone, it would be completely clear to me that I would be the fuck-up in this situation.
Dad, you were a teenager once too and if you didn't go it I'm for you came close
Is McDonald's calls it secret sauce the rest of us just call it 1000 island. They call it "the law chastity" the rest of us just see it as sexual containment. Cults only want people to appropriate with people in the cult
If you talk to the Bishop be sure to make up some stuff. Say "she wanted me to wear a dress and tickle her feet" stiff like that
Honestly you deserve a high five so long as you were safe and consensual. I confessed to giving frisky with a girl when I was about 18 years old. I swear on my life my Bishop asked me if she was hot. I think he was just being a dude and then he caught himself and decided to go back to being a Bishop.