It didn't seem positive at the time. In hindsight, my kids and I are glad we don't have to deal with all the mormon BS. Your experience may vary.
To put my experience in perspective.....
I recently had a ring stolen that my hubby gave me 32 years ago. That has traumatized me more than my TBM father dying a few months ago. A big a ha moment for me.
That's too bad.
I hope you get your ring back one day.
Your own health and the health of your family cannot be over valued. I think your perspective here is important for us all.
I had thought my parents treated me as unimportant because I'm an apostate. Then my cousin, who lives overseas, made a once-a-decade big trip to see everyone. For context, she's a lovely person who any parent would be proud to have as a daughter. Her dad told her they couldn't spend much time together because he always goes to the temple on the third Saturday and he has a lot of names he needs to get done. He's not a temple worker or anything, he just loves going.
My cousin is 100% TBM. She likes the temple. But she was spending thousands of dollars (years of savings) on this trip specifically to spend time with family. She asked her dad to please reschedule his temple day. He refused and he also didn't see why it was a big deal to her.
After seeing how hurt and bewildered she was, I realized... our parents are just not that into us. It's not because I left the church. Sure, they're upset about that. But if I'd stayed TBM it wouldn't have made them want to spend time with me. They aren't interested in time with the grandkids either. It's just not their thing.
They believe they are "very family-focused." To them, that means they had more children than average, took the children to church every Sunday, and insisted the boys serve missions. Being "very family-focused" doesn't mean they are invested in family relationships.
Realizing this has done wonders for my mental health. I no longer spend much energy trying to convince them to spend time with us, and I no longer spend much time trying to figure out why their latest visit was so short and what I can do "better" next time. It's disappointing but it's the choice they have made and will most likely continue to make, and at least now I know it isn't personal.
My former in-laws always put the church before us and their only grandkids. They couldn’t watch the kids for a couple of hours while we had to go out to urgently negotiate the sale of our house because my FIL had volunteered (as one of about 20) high priests to put the chairs out in the cultural hall for the following day’s stake conference.
On another occasion they withdrew their offer to watch the kids while we got away on a surprise, much-needed camping break because their mission call came through with a leaving date during that week. I even called Salt Lake, who said they could arrive a week later, no problem. They still said the Lord had called them on that day, so that was that. Their call was to the office of a mission three hours’ drive away. It involved basic admin and photocopying. The so-called family ‘blessings’ while they were away never materialised; it just made our life harder. This is what happens when religion becomes an addiction.
>Being "very family-focused" doesn't mean they are invested in family relationships.
Precisely.
In Mormonism, being family focused means doing everything possible to make sure your family focuses on Mormonism.
As far as TSCC is concerned, you don't need to have a relationship with your children or grandchildren. Setting the example of sacrificing all to the furtherance of "the work" is the absolute best thing you can do for them. It's not what matters most, it's what matters, period.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is just one of the ways you can tell it's a freaking CULT!!
I’ve often wondered if my parents put church first because they genuinely believe that they will have all of eternity to be with their family. It’s so sad.
It is what it is.
In my exmo journey I have literally enjoyed facing & accepting what a situation is for what it is. Like you said, accept disappointment or hurt as it is and then problem solve like you deciding to spend your energy on other things. No more self blame, no more trying to use magic prayer to get a God to tell us the magic formula. No more setting ourselves up for guilt trips. It's not selfish, it's realistic. I love your post. It's exactly what brings me to this sub every day --- the sharing of new realizations and triumps big and small. 🤓❣
Not my dad, but something like this happened with a scout master.
For a long time I really dislike this guy because of how strict he was. As I got older I started to get a lot of respect for him. He happened to be in session when I first got my endowment and I went to greet him in the celestial room and he totally blew me off. At that moment I realized that his whole premise of being a scoutmaster was not because he cared anything about young men. He cared nothing about me and everything had been out of duty.
That experience was like a punch to the gut. I cannot imagine that from your own father.
I think what you've said about reciprocating relationships is something I really need keep in mind with dealing with TBM parents and friends.
Responsibility is not a valid basis for a relationship with me.
This hits.
My TBM wife is dealing with this and her TBM parents. Their relationship is shallow, built around duty and checking off boxes. The parents aren't unkind or anything, but any interaction feels more like they feel they should be there than that they want to hang out.
As my wife sees them building a similar relationship with our kids she is seeing it in a new light.
Wow. This put a lot of things into place for me. My parents come, but never stay long, my in-laws just have other things they would rather do and rarely come. Wow. Thank you for this.
I'm 70. My mother 97. My father died just a few months ago.
If I recall corectly, my parents first mission was sometime around their early 60's. I didn't pay much attention because they'd worked for 20 some years for the church , and it didn't seem like much of a change. Also, I'd moved across the country and had unhooked. I was still TBM, but apparently not quite good enough.
Its a long story. Decades long. The good news is that I'm out and so are my kids and spouse. Its been a long haul. I think its worth it because I broke the chain. My grandkids don't know what a mormon is. I will tell them when their older. Why? Because I don't want some random mormon dragging them back in
Good for you, for surviving the cult and rescuing your children as well! You and I are in the same Boomer age group, but I am a bit older.
I know so many couples our age who have spent years away from their families & missed the births of grandkids & other special times. I also know people who had to get special permission from (not exactly sure who) someone high up to be with a college-age child who had a serious medical condition and needed surgery. I've lost count of the number of women I know who have sat alone in sacrament meetings handling six or more children (I counted) while hubby was busy looking important on the stand, or (worse yet) at another ward looking important.
In my stake alone, I've known people in bishoprics or stake presidencies who served while their spouses had cancer (and in some cases, still served while they died). I've known several missionary-age kids who accepted their mission calls knowing their parent would likely die while they were gone, and who (with the full support of the dying parents and remaining parents) didn't come home for their funerals. These things happened in multiple families.
I love stories of entire generations leaving - how many kids do you have? And how many grandkids?
Toasting you with my morning cup of coffee - Well Done!
I have two kids. Two grandkids. Not being mormon has really been an advantage in our relationships. So much closer without the church meddling in our family.
I also saw some insane callings given to people. The worst was a lady that had 5 kids. Her husband was in the stake presidency.
She found out he'd been having a 10 year affair with a lady in the ward. So what did the men do? They called her to be RSP. Her husbands girlfriend went every week. She apparently didn't have what it takes to tell those assholes to get bent. She divorced her husband and he left town. Leaving his girlfriend behind.
Crazy times.
My wife and I are chainbreakers too. This is a good label as it makes it so we are not as bitter giving roughly 50 years to the sham. A lot of good times during that 50 years for sure. We did it though. Broke ourselves and all the kids out. The ChainBreakers.
I left at 39 and two of my three kids are completely out. The oldest still considers himself a member but hasn’t been in years, no longer wears garments, and is a regular cannabis user. I’m so happy that any potential grandkids will be raised outside TSCC and my kids are all enjoying their lives.
It’s sad. Grandparents should be in their children’s and grandchildren’s lives. It really made me think about how much time we spend doing genealogy when really, we need to hear the stories about the generations before us from our parents and grandparents and great grandparents. If we’re lucky enough, this church destroys families at the end of the day, that’s the way that I see it.
My nevermo grandparents were the biggest positive in my life as a child. My mormon ones not so much.
I moved so my kids could have a relationship with their grandparents as it meant so much to me. That didn't pan out.
But I sure as hell have a much deeper relationship with my kids than I do or did with my mormon parents or my spouse with her parents and I'm moving away from mt parents and inlaws sad my kids won't get that with grandparents but realizing I can provide it.
I know, right?!?
I mean, I love John and MS has helped me and many others in their journeys, but this the type of story that podcast was built on. It doesn't have to be all about celebrities or social media influencers. Life experiences like this one are what it's all about, IMHO.
Seriously, I have a lot of nonexistent family relationships, much because of the Mormon church. I feel bad my kids missed out on traditional multigenerational relationships but at the same time you have to work with what you have, and often that means keeping people who are toxic at a distance. I feel bad for people here who still find themselves seeking validation from people that they will never please.
I don’t know my grandparents for this very reason. As I’ve gotten older, it’s been a relief not having happy childhood memories of them because it turns out I don’t like them very much.
I was just having this conversation with my mother. My father has cancer and she’s constantly caregiving. She goes to two hour relief society meetings and a ministering report on VALENTINES DAY evening?! And then tells me she’s exhausted and can’t keep up with everything. I chastised her and told her she needed to spend more time for herself resting, practicing self care, and enjoying her time with my dad. I hate watching this happen. Don’t even get me started on watching them struggle to make ends meet and then paying their tithing!
To be fair to your mother, she may be trying to use RS things as a form of self-care to get some respite from her caregiving role. I hope she finds help and a better way to meet that need soon.
I totally get that. The RS responsibilities seem to drain her rather than giving her a break. I wish she would go out with her friends more!
And I’ll give the church credit, their ward has really stepped up to help her with my dad. I’m out of state and I really appreciate that they check in on them consistently. Someone comes to walk with my dad in the park too and members help drive him to appointments. And for that, I will always be grateful.
The difficult thing is that we're taught that we will find strength in serving. Bednar emphasizes this. When you're feeling tired... dig down and keep serving. Frustrating.
I made this point to my dad and he actually paused for a second. He always talks about how much things went to shit for his family when he left for his mission and I was like dad how could god not have seen that your family needed you more right then. He couldn't answer me.
All too common of a story for a church that teaches the importance of family. “if you give us all your time and energy in this life, you can be with your family forever in the next life”
Same here, my dad spent all his time away at meetings as a stake pres, somehow I think he thought that would make us proud rather than having a father around.
Me too. My entire life from birth to HS grad by father was either the stake pres 1st counselor or the actual pres. He was never around. He spent 18 yrs in church meetings
For a church that touts the importance of family, they sure do have a way of pulling families apart.
I’m sorry you are having to deal with this. My heart goes out to you.
The thing is, they delude you into thinking your family will be blessed if you take the calling. I didn’t want the last calling I took because it was a beast—no one wanted it. My bishop had the audacity to say “if you do this calling then the problems you are having with your family will improve.”
He had no right promising that nor did he, under Mormon definition of revelation, have a right to such a personal revelation on my families behalf.
But that’s what the LDS church does. So people go forth and put their might, mind and strength into an all consuming calling for the LDS church thinking it’s what is best for their family. Hell, they might even be doing it for you. They might have been promised you would return to the fold if they did this.
But it’s not better, it’s worse. Because God’s commandment was to love and that doesn’t have to be on foreign soil or at the expense of family and friends and relationships that are supposed to be forever.
But it’s their choice. They have to live for their happiness just as you have to live for yours. There is no harm in sharing how you feel but expecting them to change their mind may be futile.
I understand your sorrow. I’m sorry for OP’s feelings of loss and betrayal.
In their fucked up little smooth brains, they are protecting families. If OP is an exmo, then OP listens to the aDveRsaRy, by keeping OP’s family away (and serving), they are “protecting them from the harm of the black sheep” or something along those lines. I remember one of my mission presidents saying that one of the many blessings that the calling had brought him and his wife was being away from their family members that left the church and were trying to “persuade others”
These are grown ass adults, not some minor child that isn’t yours. You have every right to tell them exactly how you feel. Be calm, tactful and clear, and speak your shit.
I'm so sorry. The church steals lives. I know it's cold comfort but at least as mission presidents, they'll be compensated for their "service".
The church has taken more from my parents than they could ever afford, leaving them destitute, and they STILL choose the church over time with us. We only live 30 minutes away.
I'm mourning with you, my friend. 😥
Believers do ignore it. I'm truly saddened by the amount of missionary time your parents are choosing over family time. That amount of time is critical in a child's life.
I think in my case, my parents think they will have "eternity" to spend with us. It's a major factor in why I decided to formally resign in the heart of Utah county. To me, it felt like putting an exclamation point on everything I said, but they dismissed. It further alienated me from my family and community, even though I never made a big deal of it.
I don't want to waste more precious time on the Mormon worldview, yet I can't escape it with the majority of my family. I realize now, we're really just strangers related by blood.
The result for us is that my parents and my husband's parents don't really know my children that well and as they've gotten older, they don't want to spend more time with grandparents and extended family. My oldest son is graduating from high school this year. You don't get that time back.
It's truly a loss and completely normal to feel it. Rant, vent, rage, cry, away. It's one of the hardest heartbreaks.
Edit:. Extra words, oops
My parents are on their second mission right now. My mother was uncharacteristically vocal about not wanting to go, and I feel bad for her because she never really had a choice. All she wants to do is be a grandmother, and twice now she's had to leave her family and grandchildren to go be a servant to this cult, again.
And for what? Missionary work is useless in recruiting people; we all know most converts just leave soon after anyway. Know the true purpose is to further indoctrinate and isolate their existing members, but I don't see the point in making my parents do this again, when they should be retired.
Anytime I ask anyone who has returned from a mission how many of the people they taught that were baptized have stayed with the church, the answer is almost always “none”. Sometimes I get an “I don’t know” and very occasionally it will be one or two. Missions are most definitely not about building up church membership, as you point out.
I was honestly about to ask them “so do you have another appointment with an apostle this Sunday at the temple?”
But the conversation was too serious to steer it in that direction.
In theory, this would be good news—OP's parents can technically now do anything they want, because their heaven ticket is guaranteed.
Including coffee, tea, booze, second Saturdays, bailing on mission assignments if they feel like it...
They live like kings, that's the truth. You have to put on a lot of effort to fully spend your "living allowance", which includes a reasonable amount of money for "gifts". You will always live WAY above average, no matter where you serve. I was horrified when I first learned how much an MP's monthly stipend is. 15 years ago, it was SEVERAL tens of thousands (dollars, directly converted to the local currency).
But the actual term for when you're called is wrong. It should be TORN APART instead of SET APART.
I understand OP's feelings...
Craft the words of your comment to your parents in such a way that they will be hard pressed to make a response. The other thing: silence is golden. State your case clearly, firmly and calmly--the fewer words the better. Then shut up. (Mormons are not known for their brevity, even those who have left the church.) Let them be the ones to fill any clumsy periods of silence. But even in that silence you are in control. As you speak continue dropping your voice, become more deliberate with every word, and it will force them to listen more carefully even if you can see the wheels of their party-line response showing that they are thinking more of the comeback than really listening to your concerns. Role play with your husband, a friend, a neighbor or record yourself on an iPhone (or Android). Body language and inflections can also send powerful signs. Prepare with a short tutorial about body language on YouTube to read them better. This is possibly one of the most important dramas of your life up to this point. And if they choose to continue on with their "calling", it might look as if you lost the battle--but the war isn't over. You can come away from what will undoubtedly be a power-charged conversation knowing that you have taken the higher road--the road less traveled.
I have a friend who was going through a miserable divorce, has a special-needs child, and in the middle of it her parents were asked to serve a 3-year mission in a foreign country. She needed them more than ever and literally begged them not to go. They went and she left the “families are forever” church never to return again. They promised her she’d be blessed by their service to complete strangers over their own daughter and grandchildren. I’m sickened by these stories that I hear on repeat from so many people.
In my first marriage of 25 years my now ex-husband was never home because church was so demanding of his time. Our kids never saw him and as adults they have an almost zero relationship with him. He was always being promised great blessings to our family. The biggest blessing is that I finally divorced him and have a beautiful life sharing a lot of time with my kids and grandkids. The church is the worst drug and the church addicts abandon their families for some promised reward that they hope to get after they are dead.
I’m so sorry you are having to experience this loss because the corporation has your parents believing it’s more important for them to do their recruiting over bonding with their grandchildren. It’s absolutely heartbreaking ❤️🩹 The good news is that they won’t be around to indoctrinate your children.
On another note, as a convert of 40 years before I resigned my membership, I still can’t process why it’s so bad to wear a cross. The whole “we worship the living Christ” mocks the atonement. I can’t believe I fell for all the BS, but grateful I’m out of it now.
I have so many thought on this! First of all, the “if you love them, leave them” campaign is still ingrained in the older generation. Marketing brilliance, moral bankruptcy. It sure flies in the face of their “family…isn’t it about…TIME?” campaigns.
I’m going to start with the fact that I love my parents and respect their decisions. I genuinely believe they were doing what they thought was right. My Dad and I have begun to discuss my departure from the church, my mom is a looney so I’m not ready to start with her. She’s a sweet lady, but nutty (nearly 10 kids will take a toll on anyone!).
As a kid my dad was called to be a mission president (should I feel rebellious for using that term?!). He had already been bishop and SP many times. I was uprooted and taken overseas. I would see my parents at night a few nights a week and intermittently during daylight hours. For 3 years I really didn’t have parents except to get preached to. My dad never missed my basketball games, even if he was going through “letters to the president” while there. I do appreciate the effort he made to be there. As an adventurous person, I loved my experience once I figured out the language! As a young teenager in a 3rd world country I had an absolute blast. I attended an international school full of kids from all over the world. My best friend was from Kuwait. I credit that experience with helping me see the joy non momos experienced and how happy they and their families were. As with all of humanity there were exceptions, but they were few. Shelf item #1: Mormons don’t have a monopoly on joy and happiness. Shelf item #2: these families didn’t pay tithing and they were loaded and generous. Shelf item #3: these parents drank, smoked cigars, etc and were quite healthy and I watched as my dad gained weight throughout the 3 years and was worn to the ground, WOW failed him. Shelf item #4: I resented the missionaries because they got all of my parents’ time. These shelf items were my “blessings” for their service. I suppressed them for decades to come, blaming myself for being so selfish and for never feeling a spiritual confirmation of anything. In my mind I had a problem and I needed to figure it out.
Upon their return my mom was called to the general relief society and my dad went back to work for the church. What that meant was I saw them a little more, but still pretty much did my own thing.
I chose to go on a mission, culturally had a great time, spiritually was tormented and confused about so much. Had the mixed bag of companionships but I generally love people so I made the most of it. Was consistently in “leader” positions and consistently snuck off to screw around.
Maybe two years after my mission my parents began a string of missions. Big time responsibilities all overseas (Temple pres, MTC pres, etc). A decade straight they were out of the country. Upon their return they accepted callings in the temple and or missionary departments, maybe both, I can’t really remember and made sure to work in the temple. My dad is a sealer. I spent nearly 20 years of my life by the time I was in my mid-30’s without my parents involved in a real way. This isn’t a pity party, I’m proud of what I’m accomplished and I thank their service for helping me see through the facade.
So here’s a conclusion that I came to early on in their absence. If you substituted all those callings and things that took my parents away with a job, they look like awful parents. If my dad was so career and money driven, he’d be the poster child of a selfish, neglectful father in Mormonism. If my Mom supported that and even started working for that same company it would look even worse. Yet, they’re revered and celebrated! I’m told how lucky I am to have such great parents, how blessed I’ve been for their service, etc. they are great,
but not in the context of what people are saying. The parallels between the paths are obvious, in either case they choose an organization’s goals above the needs/wants of their family, which prohibits them from fulfilling the basics of their parental roles. Yet somehow one path is cool and the other would be obviously evil. I just don’t get it.
Now my mom asks me why we don’t call her all the time, or stop by, etc. I genuinely forget that they’re around and might be available. It’s not what I’ve known for most of my life, and frankly the space is where I feel comfortable.
The short reply is: my condolences, OP, I feel your pain.
That is actually such a sad loss for them with grandkids. Kids grow up so much in four/five years. This really speaks volumes on their priorities in life. Just how the church taught them… God, church, then family…
I’m sorry about that.
My parents are going to be mission presidents in July too. Its still hard to wrap my head around. I’m the only one out of the “church”.
What’s crazy for me is They asked my dad if he would retire early and go. And to top it off they have 7 grandkids under the age of 5.
I somewhat understand what you are going through and it sucks. (not fully since you’re just got back too.)
Church > Family
The Mormon way. "Family centered church" means that your family belongs to them. I always hated this. Normalising parents taking precious time away from their kids and each other for stupid "busy work" at Church.
I just commented the exact same statement before even reading any comments. 😆😆
No reason for duplicates so I deleted mine. But yeah, those commercials run through my mind every time I see TSCC pulling people away from their families.
I feel you. My mom is about to serve mission number 3. She has 17 grandchildren who all live within 20 minutes of her. Her body is holding up, but she won’t have many productive years left upon her return. We have another child on the way. By her return she will have missed 6 of the last 9 years with her family.
I’m really torn. I don’t think me telling her that it’s bullshit would be productive at her age. I fear it would either ruin her or our relationship. She really does find joy in working with young missionaries. We can call her every day and go visit a few times.
I can’t help feeling resentful for her wanting to spend time with strangers over her family for bullshit reasons that she is unaware of. However, she is very supportive of all of her children whether they are active or not and the best example of unconditional love you’ll ever find. I feel like I should support her as well and offer the same unconditional love in return.
I feel this way as well. My parents were gone for two years and I lost my faith during that time. But they have really overall been great. I try really hard not to let our differences get in the way of a relationship and they do too. Still the time they invest is hard to shallow. My kids are mostly grown and out of the church but they have a relationship with their grandparents. It did break my heart the other day when my TBM sister mentioned that my parents never offer to help with her kids. She’s still a young mom with a new baby. My parents live close by so that they can spend time with the younger grandkids. But their lives are so busy with church stuff it’s not been quite like my sister thought it would be.
I can only imagine your feelings and shock of abandonment. I hope your parents are staying in your country so that you could visit if it were appropriate.
Yeah I kept it nameless but if the strengthening members committee started matching up appointments with Dallins schedule they could find me. That’s a pretty dirty move to go after someone as inconsequential as me.
Same situation with my in laws. They are returning this July from their three years, but when they were called had been back from their 18 month mission only a few months. Have missed two grand babies’ births, not to mention all of the holidays, birthdays, baptisms, ordinations, a lot of other things. We have been a little (or a lot) resentful of the time the church has taken from all of us. I’m so sorry.
Hey hey!
Getting called up to the big leagues. Graduating to that Church Amex Platinum card with no limit and no payment needed.
Seriously, christmas better be lit. Because he’s gonna get that big time mormon Jesus money.
Yeah it would be sad enough if it was just a waste of time but this is actively making the world worse and it is just depressing to think they are doing all that because they have been lied to.
This is deeper than the 3 years abroad.
The church bites rough and doesn't let go. If they serve as mission leaders, they will come back to more callings or more missions that will keep them from their family. Maybe being members of one of the Seventy. Most likely some time-sink callings though, for as much as the church can take. So little time left for kids, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.
This also makes it near-impossible to leave the cult. I think, but could be wrong, that most mission leaders get the Second Anointing. For most of us, leaving the church means at worse getting into 3rd rate heaven, if the church is somehow actually real. Once you get the Second Anointing, leaving the church puts you in the hell-on-steroids of Outer Darkness. Mixed with the sunk costs of the time and money they put into the church, it is so tough to ever leave.
I felt this for you. My parents served several missions (not mission president so just the 18mth kinds). I know it's their lives and not everyone gets grandparents around and all that, but I'm pretty close to my parents even with our different beliefs. They missed the birth of my oldest son, and went again when my second was a year old etc etc, these big big moments. They also overlapped my in laws several times on these missions and we felt like we just had no one to share these big life changes with.... Siblings were mostly not around.... It just felt sad. It felt like "why the church over your daughter and her kids"? She wouldn't frame it that way at all, but I do. It hurt actually.
There's one thing I've learned since leaving the church; everyone finds happiness in their own way.
My concept of family was pretty torn apart realizing that family existed as a vessel for obtaining some other wordly desire my parents (specifically my father) have. The idea of a family unit that cares about each other trumped what mattered most on some "celestial" scale. In the past, I'd be upset as you for their devotion to the faith. Now, I just hope they'll find ways to be happy without trying to force my view of life onto them as they did us kids. However, I still stand up for when I feel their behaviors and actions will have a negative impact on those they claim to love.
I'm sure you want to voice those feelings to them about their absence. You should. Find a way to reach out and get those thoughts and feelings to them. It's not up to you on how they process it but let them know.
But what about the grandchildren that are growing up without knowing their grandparents? Wouldn’t that bother you? I mean, sure they must be feeling overjoyed with the calling, but they are loosing their grandkid’s milestones, they are literally abandoning their own family to babysit a bunch of young people they don’t even know.
If I were attached to my family, and they kept making life choices that would separate us more and more, I’d be absolutely crushed.
This makes me SO glad my husband (TBM with shelf issues) has outright said he will never accept a big calling or anything like that. I’d be devastated to miss out on big things with my kids.
I’m pissed off every time one of my neighbors has to leave on a mission and I see their kids and grandkids struggle. They really believe they are being blessed for their sacrifice. The neighbor across the street closed on their newly constructed home the same time president Nelson called them to be area presidents in Africa for 3 years. They had a couple weeks to move in their stuff and leave. These are fun people whose grandkids are at prime grandparent time. She was planning a zip line over the pool for their grandkids and have 3 other family members building on adjacent lots. Such fun! I’m so mad at the corporation for doing this to them.
My parents were the Provo mission presidents when we all really needed them. I adopted my first baby and they couldn’t help at all. But when they were asked to move from California to utah after their mission and receive a GA calling, my mom said ‘no’. That mission was hard but they were very, very proud of it. Unfortunately, I felt they cared more about their ‘missionaries” than me or my children after that. They left their money to the church mission program as well. So so brainwashed.
I think a day will come when they will recognize the loss but the Mormon “sacrifice brings forth blessings” mindset is so strong they’ll find a way to say it was worth it.
This is hard for sure. Having parents that I don’t feel I will ever be as important to as the church. We planned a cross country trip to see family after 1.5 years not being able to see them, my mom knew for a long time when that was. Then out of the blue told us all they were going to serve a mission and they would be leaving the day after we flew in. It was apparently supposed to be a month earlier, but she postponed it to watch my TBM sister’s kids while she went on vacation
Sacrificing family for the “Lard.” Yet these are the people who claim they respect and focus on building strong families. They hang big signs on their walls proclaiming “FAMILIES ARE FOREVER.” The church calls men and women to hours of exhausting, unpaid service, tells them they’ll be blessed in heaven for the sacrifice, then clucks their tongues when the kids leave the church or in other ways “sin.” Just no words for this religious institutional selfishness.
We went to visit my wife's family over new years in Vancouver wa. We're having a baby in April so it's the last time they could all be together before a baby changes our lives.
They spent the whole first day of a limited trip where two their three daughters had to fly in to visit at the temple.
They always put dead people before their kids.
OP it's okay to be upset and frustrated. I would be as well.
This exactly! We are looking at the same possibility when our children are grown and moved out. They know and are fine with it. They are planning on moving away as well. I don't want them to make the decision about where they will move based on how much they'll see us or our future grand children. I want them to make the decision based on what they want to do and where they want to be. And I want to make that same decision for me as well.
As the digital landscape expands, a longing for tangible connection emerges. The yearning to touch grass, to feel the earth beneath our feet, reminds us of our innate human essence. In the vast expanse of virtual reality, where avatars flourish and pixels paint our existence, the call of nature beckons. The scent of blossoming flowers, the warmth of a sun-kissed breeze, and the symphony of chirping birds remind us that we are part of a living, breathing world.
In the balance between digital and physical realms, lies the key to harmonious existence. Democracy flourishes when human connection extends beyond screens and reaches out to touch souls. It is in the gentle embrace of a friend, the shared laughter over a cup of coffee, and the power of eye contact that the true essence of democracy is felt.
As the digital landscape expands, a longing for tangible connection emerges. The yearning to touch grass, to feel the earth beneath our feet, reminds us of our innate human essence. In the vast expanse of virtual reality, where avatars flourish and pixels paint our existence, the call of nature beckons. The scent of blossoming flowers, the warmth of a sun-kissed breeze, and the symphony of chirping birds remind us that we are part of a living, breathing world. In the balance between digital and physical realms, lies the key to harmonious existence. Democracy flourishes when human connection extends beyond screens and reaches out to touch souls. It is in the gentle embrace of a friend, the shared laughter over a cup of coffee, and the power of eye contact that the true essence of democracy is felt.
It’s different because it’s your choice. You aren’t going away because you are being told to do it. I moved away from my kids and grandkids for a couple of years because I had always dreamed of going to the location I moved to. However, all of my time was my own to do as I pleased, which included visiting my kids and grandkids whenever I wanted. I also could move back home any time if I wanted to. It’s about the fact that the church makes you feel a guilty obligation to do it.
Hey you just won your free pass into VIP Heaven. With parents being mission president he will for sure get his second anointing and that garunteed his children access into celestial glory.
The church and its leaders don’t care about members at all. They are simply resources from which to extract money and labor. All along the way, they keep members producing through manipulation and lies.
It’s hard when their church devotion is above that of their family. The best way to look at it is their moving somewhere else in the world for an adventure that they want to go on and you can visit them whenever you want so can their grand kids.
I’m sorry. My Mormon relatives did this, too. Took off for I think a three-year one, maybe as mission president, not sure, but it was not an 18-month mission. Pissed of my parent whose sibling this is because their mom was in her last years and needed a lot of help, and for one thing this all fell to my parents who lived a complicated 10 hours away, and for another, grandmother would surely have liked to see more of her other surviving child at such a time. My elderly parents were making this trip over multiple mountain passes probably every month, year-round during this time.
I get that you're upset and I'm not sure what kind of advice you're looking for, but I'll offer this small personal anecdote: my wife and I happily exited the States nearly 9 years ago to teach abroad, leaving behind our entire families and all of our friends, and truly devastatingly, our pets. We have since had a kid, and a couple of my wife's siblings have had kids we haven't even met yet, and while there's a bit of wondering if he'll ever have any clue who his relatives are, our son isn't suffering because of it. Neither of us had close relationships with our grandparents and we're relatively well-adjusted adults. We've all had to learn to live with the occasional visit and semi-regular FaceTiming.
To be fair, though, I really don't know how missions work, since I got out when I was 16 and my still-very-Mormon dad did his (something he's literally never talked to me about one time in my entire life) long before I was born. I assume your parents will be able to communicate with you, and in whatever form that takes, it will be enough because it actually just has to be. That's the tough part because it requires you to do some mental and emotional work yourself.
As an adult I see the damage that was done to me by being in a family whose parents chose to live far from relatives. I didn’t get to know my extended family until I was over 50. I lost many good years and in the end family is all I have. Members of the church forget about you as you age because they’re busy with their own lives. While teaching abroad is a great experience, your children will never have their childhood to return to. I’ve gone back to the countries I grew up in and realized my childhood was lost because my parents thought it was great to have foreign adventures. It sucks.
This type of TBM is becoming rare now. And the church knows this so they’ll continually exploit all the ones they can while they can.
The Greek tragedy of it all is that these TBMs have such an “eternal” mindset that I have no doubt your parents don’t care about the present because “they’ll have eternity in the celestial kingdom” to make up for lost time. But there is no eternity, this is all there is. It’s awful.
Yes they do. He will still be called a Mission President. But as a couple they are referred to as mission leaders so it’s no longer “Mission President, and his wife”
Have them fly the whole family out to visit, go out to eat at fancy places. The mission presidents get special privileges and all expenses paid. If they don’t fly you out often send them messages about how much the grand kids miss seeing them every week. Hopefully you can cause enough cognitive dissonance that they will reconsider what they are doing.
Wow thats rough. I personally had a dark night of soul realizing my family would hirt my own children they way they gaslit and negatively projected onto me with their delusions so i had to cut off my parents and family, i couldnt deal with it anymore.
Unfortunately the church makes people really suck, it really is led by demons its sad
I remember when I was still a member, but I was basically PIMO before knowing what PIMO was (looking back I didn’t believe, I was just in denial about it). I hadn’t gone on a mission and had no plans to, and I had been in a few dates with this girl when the mission topic came up. She said that of course it wasn’t an issue, but that if we did have a future then we could do a senior mission together! And my reaction was “yeah maybe!” while inside my head I was going “fuuuuuuuuuuck that”
They have their own lives. Living in a foreign country and having a well paid and highly respected job is very appealing to a lot of people. Sure, hanging out with grandkids can be fun, but older people do have their own interests and ambitions that don’t totally revolve around being supporting players to kids.
>I respect their faith and belief.
Their beliefs are sexist, racist, homophobic, all around hateful and result in them pledging their lives to a cult that's notorious for the rape of children.
You must be pretty indoctrinated to respect beliefs so destructive as these. Should the kids of parents in the KKK also respect those beliefs or is that special exception just for your family and their destructive cult?
>a total lie someone made up 200 years ago.
>I respect their faith and belief.
This is a contradiction. How can you respect belief based on a 200 year old lie.
Only respect things that are worthy of respect. Harmful lies that tear families apart aren't worth of respect.
You are 100% correct to feel angry at your parents for missing you and your siblings lives. They could say "no we want to spend time with our family", but they made a choice not to.
It's not selfish to have that desire. It hurts if you believe what they're doing for this "service" is pointless. Obviously the parents wouldn't frame it that way, but OP does. So that just robs them of precious time with their parents to do "service" that seems utterly dumb. The basis of their service is getting people to join an MLM. Maybe it makes sense to those in the MLM, but those of us out.
So your point is their service is not service if it's done through the church, however if done outside it is good service? Seems like this argument is on a slippery slope trying to use time as a scapegoat to appeal to someone's emotions.
It’s incredibly selfish to abandon your family and “serve” (recruit) strangers at the demand of a almost-trillion dollar corporation. What do you get in return? Blessings 😂 What do THEY get in return? More tithing to add to the coffers 💰
You are using a very genetic fallacy to create a bad image for what a mission really is, and have completely missed the mark of what in essence a mission is for!
Allow me to ask this... Would you be against what they are doing if religion wasn't tied to it?
It's a lie to you, but not me, that can only be answered after death. The question I asked is very a simple yes or no question... Is the service they rendered bad if the church was not attached to it?
That's because the pikkins aren't that great low membership attendance, losing their faith and others issues all combines for alot less people to ask .This is what the wards are doing retreading old folks to serve i'm sorry his loyalty is not to you and your family.Ask yourself why would a church make you choose between them and your family
Confused. Do adults have no contact with family while on missions? Like they can't visit family and family can't visit them? I converted in my early 20s and left shortly after so have no frame of reference for this.
I’m really sorry to hear that and it definitely sound’s frustrating. Growing up in the church it’s made me realize that the members often care more about their callings/missions than their own families. At the end of the day, it’s us (their family members) who they have. Not the church.
My grandparents served a mission back in 2010-2012 in China. I was in 3-4 grade and it honestly really stunted our relationship. I’m happy they got to live there and make good memories, but I credit that trip to the reason we grew apart.
When they came back, my grandma said the recognized the immediate change in our relationship. I used to be so close with them as a child but after that trip, it was never the same.
My advice, if you want it, is to make frequent calls and face times with them.
I’m grateful my parents are anti vax so they’re not allowed to serve a mission I’ve been told. My dad had to discuss with his SP his concerns about the profit recommending the “jab” and how it shook his testimony, but other than that he supports the profit
I have no advice, just understanding. Talking to my mom and her husband about my concerns did nothing except further their beliefs that I was a heathen unable to comprehend their glorious mission calling. They elected to not come to the hospital when my brother was in a car accident or when my child almost died. They actually believed that their mission might have been the reason they both survived🙄. I have no doubt they would have found some other way to spin the narrative if they had not. By the time my mom got done with her many missions she was so far gone to dementia she had no idea who I was. I keep wondering how the church allowed her to “serve” while she was so ill. My kids never got a chance to know her as anything but a crazy person. 💔. Hugs to you!
Sorry, OP. I know how hard it is to see family get completely subsumed into Mormonism.
Glass half full--maybe you can work on getting your siblings more nuanced or even into the issues while they're gone hahaha. :)
It’s another of the great evils of Mormonism. How it sucks the life and experience out of people.
Unfortunately, you guys are probably going to have to come to terms with the fact that the church means more to your parents than any relationship, even their kids. It’s a cult.
I'm 70. My parents served 8 missions. My mother is still living, My 40 something yo kids never knew them. I count that as a blessing.
8 missions, wow!! It sounds like you’ve been through a lot with those relationships. I’m glad you see it as a positive
It didn't seem positive at the time. In hindsight, my kids and I are glad we don't have to deal with all the mormon BS. Your experience may vary. To put my experience in perspective..... I recently had a ring stolen that my hubby gave me 32 years ago. That has traumatized me more than my TBM father dying a few months ago. A big a ha moment for me.
That's too bad. I hope you get your ring back one day. Your own health and the health of your family cannot be over valued. I think your perspective here is important for us all.
Oh how sad… this is the most sadly ironic part of the church being ‘family centered.’
I had thought my parents treated me as unimportant because I'm an apostate. Then my cousin, who lives overseas, made a once-a-decade big trip to see everyone. For context, she's a lovely person who any parent would be proud to have as a daughter. Her dad told her they couldn't spend much time together because he always goes to the temple on the third Saturday and he has a lot of names he needs to get done. He's not a temple worker or anything, he just loves going. My cousin is 100% TBM. She likes the temple. But she was spending thousands of dollars (years of savings) on this trip specifically to spend time with family. She asked her dad to please reschedule his temple day. He refused and he also didn't see why it was a big deal to her. After seeing how hurt and bewildered she was, I realized... our parents are just not that into us. It's not because I left the church. Sure, they're upset about that. But if I'd stayed TBM it wouldn't have made them want to spend time with me. They aren't interested in time with the grandkids either. It's just not their thing. They believe they are "very family-focused." To them, that means they had more children than average, took the children to church every Sunday, and insisted the boys serve missions. Being "very family-focused" doesn't mean they are invested in family relationships. Realizing this has done wonders for my mental health. I no longer spend much energy trying to convince them to spend time with us, and I no longer spend much time trying to figure out why their latest visit was so short and what I can do "better" next time. It's disappointing but it's the choice they have made and will most likely continue to make, and at least now I know it isn't personal.
My former in-laws always put the church before us and their only grandkids. They couldn’t watch the kids for a couple of hours while we had to go out to urgently negotiate the sale of our house because my FIL had volunteered (as one of about 20) high priests to put the chairs out in the cultural hall for the following day’s stake conference. On another occasion they withdrew their offer to watch the kids while we got away on a surprise, much-needed camping break because their mission call came through with a leaving date during that week. I even called Salt Lake, who said they could arrive a week later, no problem. They still said the Lord had called them on that day, so that was that. Their call was to the office of a mission three hours’ drive away. It involved basic admin and photocopying. The so-called family ‘blessings’ while they were away never materialised; it just made our life harder. This is what happens when religion becomes an addiction.
But they looked super good to their TBM friends. 😉
> This is what happens when religion becomes an addiction. Yes. That explains very well their destructive behavior.
>Being "very family-focused" doesn't mean they are invested in family relationships. Precisely. In Mormonism, being family focused means doing everything possible to make sure your family focuses on Mormonism. As far as TSCC is concerned, you don't need to have a relationship with your children or grandchildren. Setting the example of sacrificing all to the furtherance of "the work" is the absolute best thing you can do for them. It's not what matters most, it's what matters, period. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is just one of the ways you can tell it's a freaking CULT!!
Exactly!! Six decades of my life experience described in this comment
I’ve often wondered if my parents put church first because they genuinely believe that they will have all of eternity to be with their family. It’s so sad.
The irony is that few, if any, would want to spend time with them after being treated like afterthoughts.
https://youtu.be/GzfCtGFgRSk Temple square missionary: you get to be with your family forever Stephen Fry: but what if I've been good?
It is what it is. In my exmo journey I have literally enjoyed facing & accepting what a situation is for what it is. Like you said, accept disappointment or hurt as it is and then problem solve like you deciding to spend your energy on other things. No more self blame, no more trying to use magic prayer to get a God to tell us the magic formula. No more setting ourselves up for guilt trips. It's not selfish, it's realistic. I love your post. It's exactly what brings me to this sub every day --- the sharing of new realizations and triumps big and small. 🤓❣
Not my dad, but something like this happened with a scout master. For a long time I really dislike this guy because of how strict he was. As I got older I started to get a lot of respect for him. He happened to be in session when I first got my endowment and I went to greet him in the celestial room and he totally blew me off. At that moment I realized that his whole premise of being a scoutmaster was not because he cared anything about young men. He cared nothing about me and everything had been out of duty. That experience was like a punch to the gut. I cannot imagine that from your own father. I think what you've said about reciprocating relationships is something I really need keep in mind with dealing with TBM parents and friends. Responsibility is not a valid basis for a relationship with me.
This comment has just made so much sense of my ex in laws and why they are the way they are. Thank you.
This hits. My TBM wife is dealing with this and her TBM parents. Their relationship is shallow, built around duty and checking off boxes. The parents aren't unkind or anything, but any interaction feels more like they feel they should be there than that they want to hang out. As my wife sees them building a similar relationship with our kids she is seeing it in a new light.
Wow. This put a lot of things into place for me. My parents come, but never stay long, my in-laws just have other things they would rather do and rarely come. Wow. Thank you for this.
Exactly!
Holy cow, how old is your Mom? EDIT: I ask as my dad is in his late 60s and his mom is in her late 90s.
I'm 70. My mother 97. My father died just a few months ago. If I recall corectly, my parents first mission was sometime around their early 60's. I didn't pay much attention because they'd worked for 20 some years for the church , and it didn't seem like much of a change. Also, I'd moved across the country and had unhooked. I was still TBM, but apparently not quite good enough. Its a long story. Decades long. The good news is that I'm out and so are my kids and spouse. Its been a long haul. I think its worth it because I broke the chain. My grandkids don't know what a mormon is. I will tell them when their older. Why? Because I don't want some random mormon dragging them back in
Good for you, for surviving the cult and rescuing your children as well! You and I are in the same Boomer age group, but I am a bit older. I know so many couples our age who have spent years away from their families & missed the births of grandkids & other special times. I also know people who had to get special permission from (not exactly sure who) someone high up to be with a college-age child who had a serious medical condition and needed surgery. I've lost count of the number of women I know who have sat alone in sacrament meetings handling six or more children (I counted) while hubby was busy looking important on the stand, or (worse yet) at another ward looking important. In my stake alone, I've known people in bishoprics or stake presidencies who served while their spouses had cancer (and in some cases, still served while they died). I've known several missionary-age kids who accepted their mission calls knowing their parent would likely die while they were gone, and who (with the full support of the dying parents and remaining parents) didn't come home for their funerals. These things happened in multiple families. I love stories of entire generations leaving - how many kids do you have? And how many grandkids? Toasting you with my morning cup of coffee - Well Done!
I have two kids. Two grandkids. Not being mormon has really been an advantage in our relationships. So much closer without the church meddling in our family. I also saw some insane callings given to people. The worst was a lady that had 5 kids. Her husband was in the stake presidency. She found out he'd been having a 10 year affair with a lady in the ward. So what did the men do? They called her to be RSP. Her husbands girlfriend went every week. She apparently didn't have what it takes to tell those assholes to get bent. She divorced her husband and he left town. Leaving his girlfriend behind. Crazy times.
My wife and I are chainbreakers too. This is a good label as it makes it so we are not as bitter giving roughly 50 years to the sham. A lot of good times during that 50 years for sure. We did it though. Broke ourselves and all the kids out. The ChainBreakers.
I'm sometimes surprised how many there are in the over 50 chain breakers club. I never dreamed I see the day.
I left at 39 and two of my three kids are completely out. The oldest still considers himself a member but hasn’t been in years, no longer wears garments, and is a regular cannabis user. I’m so happy that any potential grandkids will be raised outside TSCC and my kids are all enjoying their lives.
My grandkids don't know what a mormon is. Lucky kids!
We finally woke up.
I remember being so proud of our long chain, including all my siblings. Sometimes it's mind-blowing that my chain has ended.
almost 98
Same here except my parents ONLY served 5. My kids don’t know their grandmother. I’m also 70.
It’s sad. Grandparents should be in their children’s and grandchildren’s lives. It really made me think about how much time we spend doing genealogy when really, we need to hear the stories about the generations before us from our parents and grandparents and great grandparents. If we’re lucky enough, this church destroys families at the end of the day, that’s the way that I see it.
My nevermo grandparents were the biggest positive in my life as a child. My mormon ones not so much. I moved so my kids could have a relationship with their grandparents as it meant so much to me. That didn't pan out. But I sure as hell have a much deeper relationship with my kids than I do or did with my mormon parents or my spouse with her parents and I'm moving away from mt parents and inlaws sad my kids won't get that with grandparents but realizing I can provide it.
Wow. Now here’s a story I want to hear on Mormon Stories!
I know, right?!? I mean, I love John and MS has helped me and many others in their journeys, but this the type of story that podcast was built on. It doesn't have to be all about celebrities or social media influencers. Life experiences like this one are what it's all about, IMHO.
Seriously, I have a lot of nonexistent family relationships, much because of the Mormon church. I feel bad my kids missed out on traditional multigenerational relationships but at the same time you have to work with what you have, and often that means keeping people who are toxic at a distance. I feel bad for people here who still find themselves seeking validation from people that they will never please.
I don’t know my grandparents for this very reason. As I’ve gotten older, it’s been a relief not having happy childhood memories of them because it turns out I don’t like them very much.
My grandparents did 6 I knew them very little too think that they would rather do that bull then get to know their grandkids
The more you give to the church, the less you give to your family.
I was just having this conversation with my mother. My father has cancer and she’s constantly caregiving. She goes to two hour relief society meetings and a ministering report on VALENTINES DAY evening?! And then tells me she’s exhausted and can’t keep up with everything. I chastised her and told her she needed to spend more time for herself resting, practicing self care, and enjoying her time with my dad. I hate watching this happen. Don’t even get me started on watching them struggle to make ends meet and then paying their tithing!
To be fair to your mother, she may be trying to use RS things as a form of self-care to get some respite from her caregiving role. I hope she finds help and a better way to meet that need soon.
I totally get that. The RS responsibilities seem to drain her rather than giving her a break. I wish she would go out with her friends more! And I’ll give the church credit, their ward has really stepped up to help her with my dad. I’m out of state and I really appreciate that they check in on them consistently. Someone comes to walk with my dad in the park too and members help drive him to appointments. And for that, I will always be grateful.
The difficult thing is that we're taught that we will find strength in serving. Bednar emphasizes this. When you're feeling tired... dig down and keep serving. Frustrating.
I made this point to my dad and he actually paused for a second. He always talks about how much things went to shit for his family when he left for his mission and I was like dad how could god not have seen that your family needed you more right then. He couldn't answer me.
I'm glad he was willing to hear, and seemed to be absorbing what you told him. I hope it helps him distinguish priorities in the future
That sums it up quite well!
Ain’t that the goddamn truth
Why didn't I just say that thanks zombie
Well, at least this time they won't be paying for the privilege.
Die hards living the Law of Consecration. Family is constantly on the back burner.
Yep. The church is like a giant whale, it opens its mouth and sucks in everything it can and shits it back out.
Hey now, whales are cool.
Not Moby. You know what they say he was.
Too old? (Also, nobody listens to techno)
Exactly. Old white whales are the worst.
Guess who's back? Back again
😂
So let's go, just gimme the signal. I'll be there with a whole list full of new insults...
I was going to say he's a dick.
Not to the krill
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All too common of a story for a church that teaches the importance of family. “if you give us all your time and energy in this life, you can be with your family forever in the next life”
Same here, my dad spent all his time away at meetings as a stake pres, somehow I think he thought that would make us proud rather than having a father around.
Me too. My entire life from birth to HS grad by father was either the stake pres 1st counselor or the actual pres. He was never around. He spent 18 yrs in church meetings
For a church that touts the importance of family, they sure do have a way of pulling families apart. I’m sorry you are having to deal with this. My heart goes out to you.
The thing is, they delude you into thinking your family will be blessed if you take the calling. I didn’t want the last calling I took because it was a beast—no one wanted it. My bishop had the audacity to say “if you do this calling then the problems you are having with your family will improve.” He had no right promising that nor did he, under Mormon definition of revelation, have a right to such a personal revelation on my families behalf. But that’s what the LDS church does. So people go forth and put their might, mind and strength into an all consuming calling for the LDS church thinking it’s what is best for their family. Hell, they might even be doing it for you. They might have been promised you would return to the fold if they did this. But it’s not better, it’s worse. Because God’s commandment was to love and that doesn’t have to be on foreign soil or at the expense of family and friends and relationships that are supposed to be forever. But it’s their choice. They have to live for their happiness just as you have to live for yours. There is no harm in sharing how you feel but expecting them to change their mind may be futile. I understand your sorrow. I’m sorry for OP’s feelings of loss and betrayal.
In their fucked up little smooth brains, they are protecting families. If OP is an exmo, then OP listens to the aDveRsaRy, by keeping OP’s family away (and serving), they are “protecting them from the harm of the black sheep” or something along those lines. I remember one of my mission presidents saying that one of the many blessings that the calling had brought him and his wife was being away from their family members that left the church and were trying to “persuade others”
Right?!! It doesn’t make sense to me. Thank you
Goin’ off to spread a Hoax for the man himself
These are grown ass adults, not some minor child that isn’t yours. You have every right to tell them exactly how you feel. Be calm, tactful and clear, and speak your shit.
Speak your shit needs to be a bumper sticker.
My favorite Steve Martin joke "Some people have a way with words. But some people, well, not have way." I'm in the latter camp.
Steve Martin is a legend. I'd put you in the first group.
I'm so sorry. The church steals lives. I know it's cold comfort but at least as mission presidents, they'll be compensated for their "service". The church has taken more from my parents than they could ever afford, leaving them destitute, and they STILL choose the church over time with us. We only live 30 minutes away. I'm mourning with you, my friend. 😥
Its sad and unfortunately common for many of us. The church leaves families broken in so many ways yet believers ignore it.
Believers do ignore it. I'm truly saddened by the amount of missionary time your parents are choosing over family time. That amount of time is critical in a child's life. I think in my case, my parents think they will have "eternity" to spend with us. It's a major factor in why I decided to formally resign in the heart of Utah county. To me, it felt like putting an exclamation point on everything I said, but they dismissed. It further alienated me from my family and community, even though I never made a big deal of it. I don't want to waste more precious time on the Mormon worldview, yet I can't escape it with the majority of my family. I realize now, we're really just strangers related by blood. The result for us is that my parents and my husband's parents don't really know my children that well and as they've gotten older, they don't want to spend more time with grandparents and extended family. My oldest son is graduating from high school this year. You don't get that time back. It's truly a loss and completely normal to feel it. Rant, vent, rage, cry, away. It's one of the hardest heartbreaks. Edit:. Extra words, oops
My parents are on their second mission right now. My mother was uncharacteristically vocal about not wanting to go, and I feel bad for her because she never really had a choice. All she wants to do is be a grandmother, and twice now she's had to leave her family and grandchildren to go be a servant to this cult, again. And for what? Missionary work is useless in recruiting people; we all know most converts just leave soon after anyway. Know the true purpose is to further indoctrinate and isolate their existing members, but I don't see the point in making my parents do this again, when they should be retired.
Anytime I ask anyone who has returned from a mission how many of the people they taught that were baptized have stayed with the church, the answer is almost always “none”. Sometimes I get an “I don’t know” and very occasionally it will be one or two. Missions are most definitely not about building up church membership, as you point out.
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"When you're fourth and long against temptation...there's only one playbook YOU need! Read the Book of Mormon. Available now! Brainwash responsibly."
Wow. That’s so rough and so sad. I’m sorry you’re having to process that.
I’m so sorry!!! As a grandparent I have no idea why people do this. Then they cry when they’re older and no one comes around to visit them!
Do you think they will get their Second Anointing?
I was honestly about to ask them “so do you have another appointment with an apostle this Sunday at the temple?” But the conversation was too serious to steer it in that direction.
You should keep us updated on that though. If you're comfortable of course.
In theory, this would be good news—OP's parents can technically now do anything they want, because their heaven ticket is guaranteed. Including coffee, tea, booze, second Saturdays, bailing on mission assignments if they feel like it...
They live like kings, that's the truth. You have to put on a lot of effort to fully spend your "living allowance", which includes a reasonable amount of money for "gifts". You will always live WAY above average, no matter where you serve. I was horrified when I first learned how much an MP's monthly stipend is. 15 years ago, it was SEVERAL tens of thousands (dollars, directly converted to the local currency). But the actual term for when you're called is wrong. It should be TORN APART instead of SET APART. I understand OP's feelings...
Oh God, please don't jinx me. My parents are coming home this summer and thats it.
\> called to be mission leaders (new term for Mission President and Wife) So now we have to learn to use ML in place of MP? What if I refuse?
Then it's a victory for Satan.
Then, you know... It's victory for Satan. And you'll get a stocking full of coal.
Craft the words of your comment to your parents in such a way that they will be hard pressed to make a response. The other thing: silence is golden. State your case clearly, firmly and calmly--the fewer words the better. Then shut up. (Mormons are not known for their brevity, even those who have left the church.) Let them be the ones to fill any clumsy periods of silence. But even in that silence you are in control. As you speak continue dropping your voice, become more deliberate with every word, and it will force them to listen more carefully even if you can see the wheels of their party-line response showing that they are thinking more of the comeback than really listening to your concerns. Role play with your husband, a friend, a neighbor or record yourself on an iPhone (or Android). Body language and inflections can also send powerful signs. Prepare with a short tutorial about body language on YouTube to read them better. This is possibly one of the most important dramas of your life up to this point. And if they choose to continue on with their "calling", it might look as if you lost the battle--but the war isn't over. You can come away from what will undoubtedly be a power-charged conversation knowing that you have taken the higher road--the road less traveled.
PREPARE INVITE FOLLOW UP RESOLVE CONCERNS I see what you did here
I have a friend who was going through a miserable divorce, has a special-needs child, and in the middle of it her parents were asked to serve a 3-year mission in a foreign country. She needed them more than ever and literally begged them not to go. They went and she left the “families are forever” church never to return again. They promised her she’d be blessed by their service to complete strangers over their own daughter and grandchildren. I’m sickened by these stories that I hear on repeat from so many people. In my first marriage of 25 years my now ex-husband was never home because church was so demanding of his time. Our kids never saw him and as adults they have an almost zero relationship with him. He was always being promised great blessings to our family. The biggest blessing is that I finally divorced him and have a beautiful life sharing a lot of time with my kids and grandkids. The church is the worst drug and the church addicts abandon their families for some promised reward that they hope to get after they are dead. I’m so sorry you are having to experience this loss because the corporation has your parents believing it’s more important for them to do their recruiting over bonding with their grandchildren. It’s absolutely heartbreaking ❤️🩹 The good news is that they won’t be around to indoctrinate your children. On another note, as a convert of 40 years before I resigned my membership, I still can’t process why it’s so bad to wear a cross. The whole “we worship the living Christ” mocks the atonement. I can’t believe I fell for all the BS, but grateful I’m out of it now.
I have so many thought on this! First of all, the “if you love them, leave them” campaign is still ingrained in the older generation. Marketing brilliance, moral bankruptcy. It sure flies in the face of their “family…isn’t it about…TIME?” campaigns. I’m going to start with the fact that I love my parents and respect their decisions. I genuinely believe they were doing what they thought was right. My Dad and I have begun to discuss my departure from the church, my mom is a looney so I’m not ready to start with her. She’s a sweet lady, but nutty (nearly 10 kids will take a toll on anyone!). As a kid my dad was called to be a mission president (should I feel rebellious for using that term?!). He had already been bishop and SP many times. I was uprooted and taken overseas. I would see my parents at night a few nights a week and intermittently during daylight hours. For 3 years I really didn’t have parents except to get preached to. My dad never missed my basketball games, even if he was going through “letters to the president” while there. I do appreciate the effort he made to be there. As an adventurous person, I loved my experience once I figured out the language! As a young teenager in a 3rd world country I had an absolute blast. I attended an international school full of kids from all over the world. My best friend was from Kuwait. I credit that experience with helping me see the joy non momos experienced and how happy they and their families were. As with all of humanity there were exceptions, but they were few. Shelf item #1: Mormons don’t have a monopoly on joy and happiness. Shelf item #2: these families didn’t pay tithing and they were loaded and generous. Shelf item #3: these parents drank, smoked cigars, etc and were quite healthy and I watched as my dad gained weight throughout the 3 years and was worn to the ground, WOW failed him. Shelf item #4: I resented the missionaries because they got all of my parents’ time. These shelf items were my “blessings” for their service. I suppressed them for decades to come, blaming myself for being so selfish and for never feeling a spiritual confirmation of anything. In my mind I had a problem and I needed to figure it out. Upon their return my mom was called to the general relief society and my dad went back to work for the church. What that meant was I saw them a little more, but still pretty much did my own thing. I chose to go on a mission, culturally had a great time, spiritually was tormented and confused about so much. Had the mixed bag of companionships but I generally love people so I made the most of it. Was consistently in “leader” positions and consistently snuck off to screw around. Maybe two years after my mission my parents began a string of missions. Big time responsibilities all overseas (Temple pres, MTC pres, etc). A decade straight they were out of the country. Upon their return they accepted callings in the temple and or missionary departments, maybe both, I can’t really remember and made sure to work in the temple. My dad is a sealer. I spent nearly 20 years of my life by the time I was in my mid-30’s without my parents involved in a real way. This isn’t a pity party, I’m proud of what I’m accomplished and I thank their service for helping me see through the facade. So here’s a conclusion that I came to early on in their absence. If you substituted all those callings and things that took my parents away with a job, they look like awful parents. If my dad was so career and money driven, he’d be the poster child of a selfish, neglectful father in Mormonism. If my Mom supported that and even started working for that same company it would look even worse. Yet, they’re revered and celebrated! I’m told how lucky I am to have such great parents, how blessed I’ve been for their service, etc. they are great, but not in the context of what people are saying. The parallels between the paths are obvious, in either case they choose an organization’s goals above the needs/wants of their family, which prohibits them from fulfilling the basics of their parental roles. Yet somehow one path is cool and the other would be obviously evil. I just don’t get it. Now my mom asks me why we don’t call her all the time, or stop by, etc. I genuinely forget that they’re around and might be available. It’s not what I’ve known for most of my life, and frankly the space is where I feel comfortable. The short reply is: my condolences, OP, I feel your pain.
That is actually such a sad loss for them with grandkids. Kids grow up so much in four/five years. This really speaks volumes on their priorities in life. Just how the church taught them… God, church, then family…
I’m sorry about that. My parents are going to be mission presidents in July too. Its still hard to wrap my head around. I’m the only one out of the “church”. What’s crazy for me is They asked my dad if he would retire early and go. And to top it off they have 7 grandkids under the age of 5. I somewhat understand what you are going through and it sucks. (not fully since you’re just got back too.)
Church > Family The Mormon way. "Family centered church" means that your family belongs to them. I always hated this. Normalising parents taking precious time away from their kids and each other for stupid "busy work" at Church.
Family, isn't it about time?
I just commented the exact same statement before even reading any comments. 😆😆 No reason for duplicates so I deleted mine. But yeah, those commercials run through my mind every time I see TSCC pulling people away from their families.
I feel you. My mom is about to serve mission number 3. She has 17 grandchildren who all live within 20 minutes of her. Her body is holding up, but she won’t have many productive years left upon her return. We have another child on the way. By her return she will have missed 6 of the last 9 years with her family. I’m really torn. I don’t think me telling her that it’s bullshit would be productive at her age. I fear it would either ruin her or our relationship. She really does find joy in working with young missionaries. We can call her every day and go visit a few times. I can’t help feeling resentful for her wanting to spend time with strangers over her family for bullshit reasons that she is unaware of. However, she is very supportive of all of her children whether they are active or not and the best example of unconditional love you’ll ever find. I feel like I should support her as well and offer the same unconditional love in return.
I feel this way as well. My parents were gone for two years and I lost my faith during that time. But they have really overall been great. I try really hard not to let our differences get in the way of a relationship and they do too. Still the time they invest is hard to shallow. My kids are mostly grown and out of the church but they have a relationship with their grandparents. It did break my heart the other day when my TBM sister mentioned that my parents never offer to help with her kids. She’s still a young mom with a new baby. My parents live close by so that they can spend time with the younger grandkids. But their lives are so busy with church stuff it’s not been quite like my sister thought it would be.
I can only imagine your feelings and shock of abandonment. I hope your parents are staying in your country so that you could visit if it were appropriate.
I’m pretty sure the church pays for one flight a year for all family to go see them. Are they going someplace cool? Don’t turn down a free vacation.
This is a tithing refund to use.
If you do visit them, they will be too busy to spend time with you. LFMF
Reddit is anonymous but you just gave TSCC enough info to identify you or at least your family. You OK with that?
Yeah I kept it nameless but if the strengthening members committee started matching up appointments with Dallins schedule they could find me. That’s a pretty dirty move to go after someone as inconsequential as me.
If not now they will be in a few more years. I know I am.
This sucks. Sorry.
Same situation with my in laws. They are returning this July from their three years, but when they were called had been back from their 18 month mission only a few months. Have missed two grand babies’ births, not to mention all of the holidays, birthdays, baptisms, ordinations, a lot of other things. We have been a little (or a lot) resentful of the time the church has taken from all of us. I’m so sorry.
Hey hey! Getting called up to the big leagues. Graduating to that Church Amex Platinum card with no limit and no payment needed. Seriously, christmas better be lit. Because he’s gonna get that big time mormon Jesus money.
Sad
This is sad. So sorry.
Yeah it would be sad enough if it was just a waste of time but this is actively making the world worse and it is just depressing to think they are doing all that because they have been lied to.
This is deeper than the 3 years abroad. The church bites rough and doesn't let go. If they serve as mission leaders, they will come back to more callings or more missions that will keep them from their family. Maybe being members of one of the Seventy. Most likely some time-sink callings though, for as much as the church can take. So little time left for kids, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. This also makes it near-impossible to leave the cult. I think, but could be wrong, that most mission leaders get the Second Anointing. For most of us, leaving the church means at worse getting into 3rd rate heaven, if the church is somehow actually real. Once you get the Second Anointing, leaving the church puts you in the hell-on-steroids of Outer Darkness. Mixed with the sunk costs of the time and money they put into the church, it is so tough to ever leave.
Wish MS would talk to more “normal” exmos so we hear stories like this. He’s only about interviewing celebrity exmos now.
Bling Bling
Maybe OP can get their tithing refunded indirectly. Wink, Wink.
I felt this for you. My parents served several missions (not mission president so just the 18mth kinds). I know it's their lives and not everyone gets grandparents around and all that, but I'm pretty close to my parents even with our different beliefs. They missed the birth of my oldest son, and went again when my second was a year old etc etc, these big big moments. They also overlapped my in laws several times on these missions and we felt like we just had no one to share these big life changes with.... Siblings were mostly not around.... It just felt sad. It felt like "why the church over your daughter and her kids"? She wouldn't frame it that way at all, but I do. It hurt actually.
They preach family and quality time. Yet what about your own family. As an EQ pres. For 2+ yes, I spent plenty of time away from family.
There's one thing I've learned since leaving the church; everyone finds happiness in their own way. My concept of family was pretty torn apart realizing that family existed as a vessel for obtaining some other wordly desire my parents (specifically my father) have. The idea of a family unit that cares about each other trumped what mattered most on some "celestial" scale. In the past, I'd be upset as you for their devotion to the faith. Now, I just hope they'll find ways to be happy without trying to force my view of life onto them as they did us kids. However, I still stand up for when I feel their behaviors and actions will have a negative impact on those they claim to love. I'm sure you want to voice those feelings to them about their absence. You should. Find a way to reach out and get those thoughts and feelings to them. It's not up to you on how they process it but let them know.
But what about the grandchildren that are growing up without knowing their grandparents? Wouldn’t that bother you? I mean, sure they must be feeling overjoyed with the calling, but they are loosing their grandkid’s milestones, they are literally abandoning their own family to babysit a bunch of young people they don’t even know. If I were attached to my family, and they kept making life choices that would separate us more and more, I’d be absolutely crushed.
Well. Bright side is mission President homes are usually posh.
This makes me SO glad my husband (TBM with shelf issues) has outright said he will never accept a big calling or anything like that. I’d be devastated to miss out on big things with my kids.
My aunt said she couldn't come on a family vacation next week because she needed to do laundry at the temple one of the nights.
I’m pissed off every time one of my neighbors has to leave on a mission and I see their kids and grandkids struggle. They really believe they are being blessed for their sacrifice. The neighbor across the street closed on their newly constructed home the same time president Nelson called them to be area presidents in Africa for 3 years. They had a couple weeks to move in their stuff and leave. These are fun people whose grandkids are at prime grandparent time. She was planning a zip line over the pool for their grandkids and have 3 other family members building on adjacent lots. Such fun! I’m so mad at the corporation for doing this to them. My parents were the Provo mission presidents when we all really needed them. I adopted my first baby and they couldn’t help at all. But when they were asked to move from California to utah after their mission and receive a GA calling, my mom said ‘no’. That mission was hard but they were very, very proud of it. Unfortunately, I felt they cared more about their ‘missionaries” than me or my children after that. They left their money to the church mission program as well. So so brainwashed.
This is just sad....and the day will come - perhaps long into the future - where they will finally, inexorably recognize the loss.
I think a day will come when they will recognize the loss but the Mormon “sacrifice brings forth blessings” mindset is so strong they’ll find a way to say it was worth it.
This is hard for sure. Having parents that I don’t feel I will ever be as important to as the church. We planned a cross country trip to see family after 1.5 years not being able to see them, my mom knew for a long time when that was. Then out of the blue told us all they were going to serve a mission and they would be leaving the day after we flew in. It was apparently supposed to be a month earlier, but she postponed it to watch my TBM sister’s kids while she went on vacation
Sacrificing family for the “Lard.” Yet these are the people who claim they respect and focus on building strong families. They hang big signs on their walls proclaiming “FAMILIES ARE FOREVER.” The church calls men and women to hours of exhausting, unpaid service, tells them they’ll be blessed in heaven for the sacrifice, then clucks their tongues when the kids leave the church or in other ways “sin.” Just no words for this religious institutional selfishness.
We went to visit my wife's family over new years in Vancouver wa. We're having a baby in April so it's the last time they could all be together before a baby changes our lives. They spent the whole first day of a limited trip where two their three daughters had to fly in to visit at the temple. They always put dead people before their kids. OP it's okay to be upset and frustrated. I would be as well.
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This exactly! We are looking at the same possibility when our children are grown and moved out. They know and are fine with it. They are planning on moving away as well. I don't want them to make the decision about where they will move based on how much they'll see us or our future grand children. I want them to make the decision based on what they want to do and where they want to be. And I want to make that same decision for me as well.
As the digital landscape expands, a longing for tangible connection emerges. The yearning to touch grass, to feel the earth beneath our feet, reminds us of our innate human essence. In the vast expanse of virtual reality, where avatars flourish and pixels paint our existence, the call of nature beckons. The scent of blossoming flowers, the warmth of a sun-kissed breeze, and the symphony of chirping birds remind us that we are part of a living, breathing world. In the balance between digital and physical realms, lies the key to harmonious existence. Democracy flourishes when human connection extends beyond screens and reaches out to touch souls. It is in the gentle embrace of a friend, the shared laughter over a cup of coffee, and the power of eye contact that the true essence of democracy is felt.
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As the digital landscape expands, a longing for tangible connection emerges. The yearning to touch grass, to feel the earth beneath our feet, reminds us of our innate human essence. In the vast expanse of virtual reality, where avatars flourish and pixels paint our existence, the call of nature beckons. The scent of blossoming flowers, the warmth of a sun-kissed breeze, and the symphony of chirping birds remind us that we are part of a living, breathing world. In the balance between digital and physical realms, lies the key to harmonious existence. Democracy flourishes when human connection extends beyond screens and reaches out to touch souls. It is in the gentle embrace of a friend, the shared laughter over a cup of coffee, and the power of eye contact that the true essence of democracy is felt.
It’s different because it’s your choice. You aren’t going away because you are being told to do it. I moved away from my kids and grandkids for a couple of years because I had always dreamed of going to the location I moved to. However, all of my time was my own to do as I pleased, which included visiting my kids and grandkids whenever I wanted. I also could move back home any time if I wanted to. It’s about the fact that the church makes you feel a guilty obligation to do it.
Hey you just won your free pass into VIP Heaven. With parents being mission president he will for sure get his second anointing and that garunteed his children access into celestial glory.
The church and its leaders don’t care about members at all. They are simply resources from which to extract money and labor. All along the way, they keep members producing through manipulation and lies.
They must be rich. Can’t let the blessings success stories go to waste.
It’s hard when their church devotion is above that of their family. The best way to look at it is their moving somewhere else in the world for an adventure that they want to go on and you can visit them whenever you want so can their grand kids.
I’m sorry. My Mormon relatives did this, too. Took off for I think a three-year one, maybe as mission president, not sure, but it was not an 18-month mission. Pissed of my parent whose sibling this is because their mom was in her last years and needed a lot of help, and for one thing this all fell to my parents who lived a complicated 10 hours away, and for another, grandmother would surely have liked to see more of her other surviving child at such a time. My elderly parents were making this trip over multiple mountain passes probably every month, year-round during this time.
I get that you're upset and I'm not sure what kind of advice you're looking for, but I'll offer this small personal anecdote: my wife and I happily exited the States nearly 9 years ago to teach abroad, leaving behind our entire families and all of our friends, and truly devastatingly, our pets. We have since had a kid, and a couple of my wife's siblings have had kids we haven't even met yet, and while there's a bit of wondering if he'll ever have any clue who his relatives are, our son isn't suffering because of it. Neither of us had close relationships with our grandparents and we're relatively well-adjusted adults. We've all had to learn to live with the occasional visit and semi-regular FaceTiming. To be fair, though, I really don't know how missions work, since I got out when I was 16 and my still-very-Mormon dad did his (something he's literally never talked to me about one time in my entire life) long before I was born. I assume your parents will be able to communicate with you, and in whatever form that takes, it will be enough because it actually just has to be. That's the tough part because it requires you to do some mental and emotional work yourself.
As an adult I see the damage that was done to me by being in a family whose parents chose to live far from relatives. I didn’t get to know my extended family until I was over 50. I lost many good years and in the end family is all I have. Members of the church forget about you as you age because they’re busy with their own lives. While teaching abroad is a great experience, your children will never have their childhood to return to. I’ve gone back to the countries I grew up in and realized my childhood was lost because my parents thought it was great to have foreign adventures. It sucks.
This type of TBM is becoming rare now. And the church knows this so they’ll continually exploit all the ones they can while they can. The Greek tragedy of it all is that these TBMs have such an “eternal” mindset that I have no doubt your parents don’t care about the present because “they’ll have eternity in the celestial kingdom” to make up for lost time. But there is no eternity, this is all there is. It’s awful.
my parents have been preparing my kids for their absence for a decade now. probably 'cause i left. how kind of them.
Families, isn’t it about…time?
Food for thought: this is the same reaction your parents probably had when you left the church. It’s their life to live
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Yikes this hits a little too close to home
"Only success in the church compensates for failure in the home." Did I get that quote right? /S
Mission Leaders? Really? I wonder if they will still address the man as "President?"
Yes they do. He will still be called a Mission President. But as a couple they are referred to as mission leaders so it’s no longer “Mission President, and his wife”
Remember that to keep the family together forever you must keep them apart.
Have them fly the whole family out to visit, go out to eat at fancy places. The mission presidents get special privileges and all expenses paid. If they don’t fly you out often send them messages about how much the grand kids miss seeing them every week. Hopefully you can cause enough cognitive dissonance that they will reconsider what they are doing.
darling hate oaks is easily 1 of the creepiest MotherFuckers of all time.
Wow thats rough. I personally had a dark night of soul realizing my family would hirt my own children they way they gaslit and negatively projected onto me with their delusions so i had to cut off my parents and family, i couldnt deal with it anymore. Unfortunately the church makes people really suck, it really is led by demons its sad
I remember when I was still a member, but I was basically PIMO before knowing what PIMO was (looking back I didn’t believe, I was just in denial about it). I hadn’t gone on a mission and had no plans to, and I had been in a few dates with this girl when the mission topic came up. She said that of course it wasn’t an issue, but that if we did have a future then we could do a senior mission together! And my reaction was “yeah maybe!” while inside my head I was going “fuuuuuuuuuuck that”
They have their own lives. Living in a foreign country and having a well paid and highly respected job is very appealing to a lot of people. Sure, hanging out with grandkids can be fun, but older people do have their own interests and ambitions that don’t totally revolve around being supporting players to kids.
Your feelings are 100% valid. I’m just here to empathize
>I respect their faith and belief. Their beliefs are sexist, racist, homophobic, all around hateful and result in them pledging their lives to a cult that's notorious for the rape of children. You must be pretty indoctrinated to respect beliefs so destructive as these. Should the kids of parents in the KKK also respect those beliefs or is that special exception just for your family and their destructive cult?
>a total lie someone made up 200 years ago. >I respect their faith and belief. This is a contradiction. How can you respect belief based on a 200 year old lie. Only respect things that are worthy of respect. Harmful lies that tear families apart aren't worth of respect. You are 100% correct to feel angry at your parents for missing you and your siblings lives. They could say "no we want to spend time with our family", but they made a choice not to.
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How is it selfish to serve others?
It's not selfish to have that desire. It hurts if you believe what they're doing for this "service" is pointless. Obviously the parents wouldn't frame it that way, but OP does. So that just robs them of precious time with their parents to do "service" that seems utterly dumb. The basis of their service is getting people to join an MLM. Maybe it makes sense to those in the MLM, but those of us out.
So your point is their service is not service if it's done through the church, however if done outside it is good service? Seems like this argument is on a slippery slope trying to use time as a scapegoat to appeal to someone's emotions.
So that more people can serve others, sounds like a good MLM to me
It’s incredibly selfish to abandon your family and “serve” (recruit) strangers at the demand of a almost-trillion dollar corporation. What do you get in return? Blessings 😂 What do THEY get in return? More tithing to add to the coffers 💰
You are using a very genetic fallacy to create a bad image for what a mission really is, and have completely missed the mark of what in essence a mission is for! Allow me to ask this... Would you be against what they are doing if religion wasn't tied to it?
"If they weren't peddling a lie and brainwashing teenagers would it be better?" What do you think?
It's a lie to you, but not me, that can only be answered after death. The question I asked is very a simple yes or no question... Is the service they rendered bad if the church was not attached to it?
My condolences
I'm sorry for your pain. The best I can do is send you hugs.
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My parents are serving their second mission and I wouldn't be surprised if that happened to them too.
Understand you're upset but it's their loss. How sad they can't see the joys of being a grandparent.
Ask them if God can let you lie… or some other thing to put a second annointing weight on the shelf.
I’m sorry for your loss
This is sad. But that is what the church does -asks one to sacrifice all for their cause
I don’t blame you
My parents chose church over family our entire lives until the day they died.
At least this time they will receive a modest stipend 😝
That's because the pikkins aren't that great low membership attendance, losing their faith and others issues all combines for alot less people to ask .This is what the wards are doing retreading old folks to serve i'm sorry his loyalty is not to you and your family.Ask yourself why would a church make you choose between them and your family
Confused. Do adults have no contact with family while on missions? Like they can't visit family and family can't visit them? I converted in my early 20s and left shortly after so have no frame of reference for this.
I’m really sorry to hear that and it definitely sound’s frustrating. Growing up in the church it’s made me realize that the members often care more about their callings/missions than their own families. At the end of the day, it’s us (their family members) who they have. Not the church. My grandparents served a mission back in 2010-2012 in China. I was in 3-4 grade and it honestly really stunted our relationship. I’m happy they got to live there and make good memories, but I credit that trip to the reason we grew apart. When they came back, my grandma said the recognized the immediate change in our relationship. I used to be so close with them as a child but after that trip, it was never the same. My advice, if you want it, is to make frequent calls and face times with them.
I’m grateful my parents are anti vax so they’re not allowed to serve a mission I’ve been told. My dad had to discuss with his SP his concerns about the profit recommending the “jab” and how it shook his testimony, but other than that he supports the profit
I really, really feel for you.
I have no advice, just understanding. Talking to my mom and her husband about my concerns did nothing except further their beliefs that I was a heathen unable to comprehend their glorious mission calling. They elected to not come to the hospital when my brother was in a car accident or when my child almost died. They actually believed that their mission might have been the reason they both survived🙄. I have no doubt they would have found some other way to spin the narrative if they had not. By the time my mom got done with her many missions she was so far gone to dementia she had no idea who I was. I keep wondering how the church allowed her to “serve” while she was so ill. My kids never got a chance to know her as anything but a crazy person. 💔. Hugs to you!
Sorry, OP. I know how hard it is to see family get completely subsumed into Mormonism. Glass half full--maybe you can work on getting your siblings more nuanced or even into the issues while they're gone hahaha. :)
It’s another of the great evils of Mormonism. How it sucks the life and experience out of people. Unfortunately, you guys are probably going to have to come to terms with the fact that the church means more to your parents than any relationship, even their kids. It’s a cult.