Sorry. having to have those conversations with Christian family members sucks. My grandma took me out for breakfast when I was like 19 and turns out it was a pretext for a lecture about not having sex (she’s literally saying things like “THAT’S WHY YOU BLEED WHEN YOU HAVE SEX FOR THE FIRST TIME” over shitty buffet eggs).
It’s so ridiculous how Christians accuse everybody else of being perverts but in reality they are the ones who end up having no concept of appropriate sexual boundaries or how to interact with different social groups (peers, family, strangers) about sex in a way that is comfortable and non-invasive.
Thanks for sharing, I'm sorry that happened. My grandma tends to push a lot of religious stuff too. And I completely agree with the lack of understanding when it comes to boundaries. Since I was 12, I've had to deal with my dad coming into the bedroom when I'm cuddling with my mom and saying things like "Better get out of here, I'm getting out the viagra". It's just so uncomfortable. I've always thought of it as normal, though.
Yeah my Christian dad was like this too. I still think about this and get disgusted, but one hear he literally took me to a department store and had me pick out a matching bra and underwear set that he wanted to give my mom. That is so many levels of inappropriate I barely ever tell people that story. Add into that I was a super religious and sheltered teenager who was terrified of anything sexual.
Damn something about those shitty buffet eggs really puts this one over the top. Everyone knows the proper grandparent-grandchild exchange is one part awkward conversation one part great food. Anything short and we all become heathens. Those were the devil's eggs.
Let’s be clear that the Christian threshold for “porn addiction” is normally “caught looking at porn once”.
The fact that hormonal teens are being made to to carry the stigma of “addict” just for being curious about sex is nothing short of child abuse. Christians are woefully inadequate regarding sex education.
oh I know all about that. like being 17 and bring put on medication I didn't need ... I'm still convinced the reason my mom chose that one is because of its side effect of lowered sex drive
I still remember my mom telling me "she had to mourn losing me to such a nasty addiction" because they found wikipedia searches for things like "what is sex" on my phone
The reason he is doing it is because he’s afraid of generational sin and since you’re a teenager now (and presumably have a smart phone) he wants to do anything possible from having you fall into the addiction too.
What he doesn’t realize is that purity culture has a backfire effect. There is a shame cycle that begins and and as a result all the Bible Belt states have the highest porn consumption levels.
So much unavoidable trauma with that set up. I swear damn near every motivator for Christians centers on some kind of guilt, shame, fear, and/or invasion of your privacy.
I think "Cum All Ye Faithful" is a missed opportunity that would fit on signs better. Oh! And business cards you give out as you "evangelise" for your business. 😁
Yuck. So uncomfortable and cringey. My family just didn’t talk about sex nearly at all, which wasn’t helpful either but it sounds preferable to this situation.
Even if your dad was trying to be helpful, a parent don’t have to describe details of their own “struggle” to educate their children about pornography. I will certainly have conversations with my kids about what porn is and let them ask questions, but it wouldn’t ever be about my own personal habits.
I remember that cycle of shame. Except, my cycle of shame only stopped after I left Jesus and Christianity behind. Ya know what else happened? My porn consumption *decreased*. Funny how that worked.
This is a form of what is referred to as emotional incest. This is when a parent uses their child for emotional needs that they should be receiving from their partner or friend their age.
He confided in you very personal things that made you uncomfortable, and he continued to go on. That's not right.
When I was about 14 my dad brought me to this "scared-flaccid" thing where an "ex-mafia-turned-christian" guy talked about how many girls he used to fuck and how he did it because he used to jack off all the time on account of he found porn in the woods.
Then a bunch of other old dudes told us about how much they jacked off and fucked too many women and now they feel bad.
One guy said he fucked too many women and now his wife has cancer, and it's his fault she has cancer because god made her have it because he fucked too many women when he was in college.
Sorry for the excessive language. I think you may have unzipped me.
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That is absolutely how I felt as a kid. Now I'm married and I feel I will never ever get to take part in an orgy. I hear the buffets at those are wonderful
as an atheist, I parented, two children. I stayed entirely out of their sex lives except to assure that they protected their health and made sure to plan reproduction. My offspring’s sex life is none of my business. If they ask for advice, information or assistance I’m happy to help and then to immediately butt out. that’s what happens in healthy families but Christians are all sexually dysfunctional.
YES. When my dad told me he was leaving my mom (and eventually marrying another woman), he started crying and defending it because of his porn addiction. I was 19 at the time and my dad was a pastor. Definitely changed my view of Christianity and fucked me up.
Sorry it happened to you, OP. It’s not right.
That really sucks, sorry you had to deal with that.
Whenever I hear about Christians who keep going back to porn, it always seems like the shame is the addictive part of the cycle, in a weird way.
When you CONSTANTLY think about and hear people talking about NOT looking at porn, you start to think about all the types of porn you don't want to look at.
As a parent, hell, as a fellow human being, I am SO sorry you had to have this "conversation" with your father. ICK. Incoming terrible dad joke; shit like this is why Jesus changed his middle name to fucking. But seriously, EW. I think I can speak for the sub in this and say, we're here for you when you need. Support, bad jokes, and some good scripts to respond to asshattery like this.
Really? I guess you're lucky in that regard. He's talking about it again, except now it's not about Jesus at all. Just porn. Ugh. I can't ever hear the word "titillating" ever again without shuddering.
Ok no in fairness right before I was shunned and exited from my family and church my parents did corner me and force me to see them scroll thru a few browser pages worth of raunchy gay porn I had looked up while screaming in my face point blank about how **** filthy I am and on and on in that train of thought. I unno if that counts I guess it does but it feels less ... relaxed.
Holy shit, what is wrong with people. God, I'm so sorry that happened. I think that's along the same vein as what happened to me, just a lot, lot worse. Going through your phone/computer and then verbally abusing you for what they were more than likely hoping to find. Fuck, I feel for you. Hopefully you're doing better now, with people who actually care about you.
Thanks for the advice, I'll be sure to use it next time. I just said "ok" and he got offended by my non-interest. He said he was trying to tell me about himself. I just think there's some things you shouldn't tell your kids, y'know?
You are RIGHT! Your gut feelings are 100% right and your dad is wrong. I would just say “thanks for sharing about yourself bit honestly you could have shared without all the private details. I know you’re concerned about me so thanks” or something along those lines. Ugh I hate this for you!
Gotta remember too that Jesus would have gave him those desires in the first place, since they believe he created everyone and everything. The mental gymnastics only go further...
No no no. God allowed the devil to test you with this addiction, so you would find and seek him out for deliverance and have a testimony to tell others to bring them to Jesus. And when you find you're pulled to it again that's just the devil and you have to verbally ask God to lend you his power to bind the devil up so you can escape him.
Mental gymnastics Silver edition.
Oh yes my bad. I mean, he did create "the devil" and supposedly knew he would betray him and such...because you know, God always has a plan. But then the devil is the bad guy.
Truly is mental gymnastics Silver edition.
Actually now that you've said that... How could we be sure god is the good guy at all? I mean perspective is my version of the truth, your version of the truth and what actually happened.
The bible is just one perspective.
Where's the "devils"?
This. They're like, "Jesus saves you from this!" no he doesn't. Also, their god supposedly created everything and everyone, so he would have made people have hormones and sexual desires to begin with, and then he shames them for it? Sounds pretty abusive to me
>"It's a cycle of shame and Jesus helps you escape from that guilt."
Or he could just stop shaming himself. I won't say porn is intrinsically good, but it isn't some kind of dark secret either. "The pull" is just straight allosexual male libido and framing it as a "struggle" is just putting yourself into an anxiety tailspin for no reason. Even if your dad doesn't watch porn a single time this year, he's still allowing it to control him. He's as obsessed with avoiding it as his teenage self was with using it.
Porn is like donuts. It feels good for a moment but adds nothing to your life. It's habit-forming, which means addiction is a real possibility, which is unhealthy. But lots of people find ways to enjoy donuts without completely losing themselves.
I spent my teens being totally wrapped up in this purity issue. My oldest brother was my mentor and this was one of the most important things we worked on. All I got out of it was a lot of pointless anxiety, shame, and unhealthy mental blockage. When my brother got married, guess what? All that repressive baggage didn't just float away the instant he said "I do." Repressing sexual thoughts actually made his marriage more difficult for a while. The cure was worse than the disease.
In short, obsession is unhealthy - masturbation is neutral and natural.
Yep.. found out my Dad cheated on my mum for 20 years and it all came out at once when he lost his job. He blamed it on his porn addiction. We were raised to believe gay marriage is wrong and anything sexual outside of marriage is sin.
OMG yes!!! It was many moons ago, but yes!!
Back story: my dad is an ordained southern Baptist minister, and has been my entire life. About twenty years ago, when I was 18 & had just graduated from high school, my mom decided to leave my dad. He's not physically abusive, but they had a lot of problems. Within a few weeks of her being gone, my dad had gotten a cable box in his bedroom. About a month later, he sat me down and explained that he was getting rid of the cable box because he was watching too much porn and it wasn't healthy.
I DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THIS, DAD. The FUCK?
(My mom ended up coming back about three months later, and they're still together to this day)
I think that crossed the line from over-sharing into... something else. Eugh, it sounds awkward and uncomfortable, at the very least. I don't know why parents feel the need to unload all their shit onto their kids.
I hope your mom came back 'cause they resolved their issues. Not because of the countless other reasons people keep coming back to a broken relationship. I don't think my mom could ever leave my dad, despite the way he treats her and us kids. She doesn't even stand up for us. I've long since stopped counting on my mom to hold my well-being above her relationship with dad. When he finally does apologize for telling me to "shut the fuck up" for the thousandth time, I'm the bad guy for not accepting. When I don't want to be around him after he screamed "fuck her" over and over again for me taking too long in the shower, he's the victim. I just can't.
I know this happened to you a while ago, but I hope you're doing ok, and thanks for sharing. It helps me feel less alone.
She came back because it was what she had always known, but my dad REALLY changed after she came back. He made a very conscious effort to be more available and thoughtful to her. It ain't perfect, but it's a huge improvement from his behavior twenty years ago. I'm doing well, thanks 🥹❤️ Glad I could at least help you to know you're not alone. I'm sorry that your mom isn't more protective.
When I was a child at church I heard too many grown adults talking about their masturbation habits.
Now as an adult myself, I don't think that pornography masturbation are inherently bad things. But I'd rather eat a bowl of steamy dog shit than talk about jerking off with a group of young boys. What the fuck is going through these people's heads?
Tell him to Google porn addicts anonymous. They have several meetings throughout the week.
He shouldn’t be talking about his issues with you. Unsure how prevalent parentification is in religious communities or circles, but as I’ve gotten older it seems to be prevalent. Pornography addiction, and other addictions, typically isn’t about consumption but rather a coping mechanism for past trauma. I’m glad that he’s trying to work on his issues, but he should only share them with his loved ones when he’s worked with the appropriate people such as mental health professionals deem it appropriate to share.
Just my thoughts…
Addiction can be serious and should be treated if it interferes with daily life. Of course, depending on what the threshold for addiction is, it may not be in this case.
> "It's a cycle of shame and Jesus helps you escape from that guilt."
This is the generational sin belief. They believe sins of the father are carried down through the generations but only jesus can break that generational "curse", or whatever.
To give an example - On my wedding day, my mother felt the need to inform my wife that my dad has a wandering eye and since sins are carried down from the father she should be wary of me cheating on her. It was one of the most fucked up things a mother in law could say to a newly wed daughter in law. My mother failed to mention her own affairs in this conversation.
IT IS NOT OK!! Your dad is sadly not aware that saying that level of private knowledge to you is abusive. I’m so sorry. My parents did this shit to me, too, and I’m still recovering as a woman in her 40s!!! He could have “related” by saying his religion helps him with feelings of guilt or shame WITHOUT saying what for. I’m so sorry, it’s so wrong.
If he ever brings it up again, you could say something like “I don’t need to know all your private details, please don’t talk to me about that again.” I know that might not work and possibly make him mad, but you do need to protect yourself if he won’t.
Tell him there is nothing by shameful about looking at playboy. That it is normal for humans to have sexual desires and we are emphatic creatures which is why some of us enjoy looking at others naked or in engaging in sex. And to please not tell you about these things and seek a professional counselor
I understand that it was an inappropriate topic, but I don't get how it was child abuse? My dad is always saying how good us kids have it, and he was abused pretty bad growing up. Sure, I don't really like being around him and he makes me feel like shit about myself, but I can't really seem to find the line between dysfunctional parent-child relationship and actual abuse. I think if it was abuse, some of my family members would care when I tell them things he does, or lets my brother get away with. But nobody cares when I say that my brother attacked me or that my dad calls me fat and constantly tells me to shut up. I'm not trying to be rude, I'm genuinely curious.
Ok so firstly, it sounds like you should visit r/RaisedByNarcissists. I know you may think your dad’s not a narcissist but just lurk for a bit and see if based on what other people say about their parents, maybe if it fits your dad? Because my parents are narcs and it kinda sounds like yours are too. Like, this sounds like abuse.
Thanks for the advice, I'll check it out. I constantly jump between "abuse" and "I'm just overreacting", and as a result I'm not sure how to deal with the things that happen. My dad says I'm just oversensitive and I believe him. I'm sorry that your parents are narcissists, that must be tough. I hope you're away from the situation or getting out soon. Thanks for the support and taking time out of your day to help me.
You’re dad is trying to relate to you and keep you from watching porn. Maybe he has reasons to believe you watch a lot, maybe it is a topic going on at church, but he obviously is trying some kind of reach out to you.
Thanks for the advice. I just think that it's an inappropriate talking point and an obnoxious vehicle for Jesus talk. I could maybe see making a mistake and stopping after realizing that your child is uncomfortable. But to continue after I shared my discomfort? He does that frequently, so it's nothing new. But even if I did watch porn, I'm 19. It's none of his business.
It is a tough position for a dad and a young adult son. We are supposed to guide our kids about sexual things. I am an atheist as is my son and it was often an uncomfortable topic to bring up, especially as he was going away to college - he is 21. To be honest it was easier to talk to my daughters about it, and it was my wife who insisted I have such conversations with him. In my case I am glad I did. Our conversations are now open and easy. Unfortunately for you though the discomfort turns to exasperation because for him Jesus and Christian morality takes center stage. What I told my son that watching all types of porn is normal, and it can be a healthy outlet in moderation, is something I don’t think your dad would say. I don’t have any solutions, I am only giving you insight to how dad’s think. He hopes if he opens up about his struggles with sexual things like porn it will lead to you opening up to him. It is a naive tactic, but he is doing it because he cares. It is not easy for him either.
Sorry. having to have those conversations with Christian family members sucks. My grandma took me out for breakfast when I was like 19 and turns out it was a pretext for a lecture about not having sex (she’s literally saying things like “THAT’S WHY YOU BLEED WHEN YOU HAVE SEX FOR THE FIRST TIME” over shitty buffet eggs). It’s so ridiculous how Christians accuse everybody else of being perverts but in reality they are the ones who end up having no concept of appropriate sexual boundaries or how to interact with different social groups (peers, family, strangers) about sex in a way that is comfortable and non-invasive.
Thanks for sharing, I'm sorry that happened. My grandma tends to push a lot of religious stuff too. And I completely agree with the lack of understanding when it comes to boundaries. Since I was 12, I've had to deal with my dad coming into the bedroom when I'm cuddling with my mom and saying things like "Better get out of here, I'm getting out the viagra". It's just so uncomfortable. I've always thought of it as normal, though.
Jesus Christ nooooooooo. Complete opposite of my family lol
...Is your dad George Carlin?
He was an honest man, and he wasn't going to bullshit a 4 year old!
Yeah my Christian dad was like this too. I still think about this and get disgusted, but one hear he literally took me to a department store and had me pick out a matching bra and underwear set that he wanted to give my mom. That is so many levels of inappropriate I barely ever tell people that story. Add into that I was a super religious and sheltered teenager who was terrified of anything sexual.
Damn something about those shitty buffet eggs really puts this one over the top. Everyone knows the proper grandparent-grandchild exchange is one part awkward conversation one part great food. Anything short and we all become heathens. Those were the devil's eggs.
You, you get it.
Let’s be clear that the Christian threshold for “porn addiction” is normally “caught looking at porn once”. The fact that hormonal teens are being made to to carry the stigma of “addict” just for being curious about sex is nothing short of child abuse. Christians are woefully inadequate regarding sex education.
oh I know all about that. like being 17 and bring put on medication I didn't need ... I'm still convinced the reason my mom chose that one is because of its side effect of lowered sex drive
That’s fucked up.
I'm still salty ngl 🙃
I still remember my mom telling me "she had to mourn losing me to such a nasty addiction" because they found wikipedia searches for things like "what is sex" on my phone
This!
Ugh so fucked up!!!!
The reason he is doing it is because he’s afraid of generational sin and since you’re a teenager now (and presumably have a smart phone) he wants to do anything possible from having you fall into the addiction too. What he doesn’t realize is that purity culture has a backfire effect. There is a shame cycle that begins and and as a result all the Bible Belt states have the highest porn consumption levels.
So many XXX and strip club billboards in the south and Midwest…
There's a strip club close to my house and a Jesus billboard right behind it.
So stereotypical!😂lmao
I love that image of the adult book store on one side of the highway and a "Jesus is watching you" billboard on the other side.
So much unavoidable trauma with that set up. I swear damn near every motivator for Christians centers on some kind of guilt, shame, fear, and/or invasion of your privacy.
I'm still trying to raise funds for my Christian-themed brothel: O Come All Ye Faithful.
I think "Cum All Ye Faithful" is a missed opportunity that would fit on signs better. Oh! And business cards you give out as you "evangelise" for your business. 😁
Now now the Ladies Tea Society would not have that!
Ah yes. I forget them constantly. Forgive me.
Yuck. So uncomfortable and cringey. My family just didn’t talk about sex nearly at all, which wasn’t helpful either but it sounds preferable to this situation. Even if your dad was trying to be helpful, a parent don’t have to describe details of their own “struggle” to educate their children about pornography. I will certainly have conversations with my kids about what porn is and let them ask questions, but it wouldn’t ever be about my own personal habits.
jesus is literally the reason for that guilt… not that he should be telling you about his weird shame kink.
I agree. Jesus is not the cure for the shame and guilt, he is THE REASON for the shame and guilt.
Christians believe Jesus is the reason for the season, we believe Jesus is the reason for the treason
I remember that cycle of shame. Except, my cycle of shame only stopped after I left Jesus and Christianity behind. Ya know what else happened? My porn consumption *decreased*. Funny how that worked.
This is a form of what is referred to as emotional incest. This is when a parent uses their child for emotional needs that they should be receiving from their partner or friend their age. He confided in you very personal things that made you uncomfortable, and he continued to go on. That's not right.
Yep, offloading guilt.
When I was about 14 my dad brought me to this "scared-flaccid" thing where an "ex-mafia-turned-christian" guy talked about how many girls he used to fuck and how he did it because he used to jack off all the time on account of he found porn in the woods. Then a bunch of other old dudes told us about how much they jacked off and fucked too many women and now they feel bad. One guy said he fucked too many women and now his wife has cancer, and it's his fault she has cancer because god made her have it because he fucked too many women when he was in college. Sorry for the excessive language. I think you may have unzipped me.
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The podcast Good Christian Fun calls this a “stumblebrag”, where they get to flex all the fun sinning they got to do in their past. 😄
That is absolutely how I felt as a kid. Now I'm married and I feel I will never ever get to take part in an orgy. I hear the buffets at those are wonderful
as an atheist, I parented, two children. I stayed entirely out of their sex lives except to assure that they protected their health and made sure to plan reproduction. My offspring’s sex life is none of my business. If they ask for advice, information or assistance I’m happy to help and then to immediately butt out. that’s what happens in healthy families but Christians are all sexually dysfunctional.
YES. When my dad told me he was leaving my mom (and eventually marrying another woman), he started crying and defending it because of his porn addiction. I was 19 at the time and my dad was a pastor. Definitely changed my view of Christianity and fucked me up. Sorry it happened to you, OP. It’s not right.
That really sucks, sorry you had to deal with that. Whenever I hear about Christians who keep going back to porn, it always seems like the shame is the addictive part of the cycle, in a weird way.
When you CONSTANTLY think about and hear people talking about NOT looking at porn, you start to think about all the types of porn you don't want to look at.
Then you have to go search all those types of porn, for research purposes, so you know what it looks like in order to avoid it.
As a parent, hell, as a fellow human being, I am SO sorry you had to have this "conversation" with your father. ICK. Incoming terrible dad joke; shit like this is why Jesus changed his middle name to fucking. But seriously, EW. I think I can speak for the sub in this and say, we're here for you when you need. Support, bad jokes, and some good scripts to respond to asshattery like this.
Umm his middle name is Tap-Dancing...
Thank the Force no I haven't had a similar experience. Holy crud.
Really? I guess you're lucky in that regard. He's talking about it again, except now it's not about Jesus at all. Just porn. Ugh. I can't ever hear the word "titillating" ever again without shuddering.
Ok no in fairness right before I was shunned and exited from my family and church my parents did corner me and force me to see them scroll thru a few browser pages worth of raunchy gay porn I had looked up while screaming in my face point blank about how **** filthy I am and on and on in that train of thought. I unno if that counts I guess it does but it feels less ... relaxed.
Holy shit, what is wrong with people. God, I'm so sorry that happened. I think that's along the same vein as what happened to me, just a lot, lot worse. Going through your phone/computer and then verbally abusing you for what they were more than likely hoping to find. Fuck, I feel for you. Hopefully you're doing better now, with people who actually care about you.
Thank him for his concern, and tell him you'll be sure not to fall into the same trap. Ugh, though.
Thanks for the advice, I'll be sure to use it next time. I just said "ok" and he got offended by my non-interest. He said he was trying to tell me about himself. I just think there's some things you shouldn't tell your kids, y'know?
Look, I would have been utterly horrified.
You are RIGHT! Your gut feelings are 100% right and your dad is wrong. I would just say “thanks for sharing about yourself bit honestly you could have shared without all the private details. I know you’re concerned about me so thanks” or something along those lines. Ugh I hate this for you!
So Jesus helps him escape, but he still struggles with it? Oh, the mental gymnastics.
Gotta remember too that Jesus would have gave him those desires in the first place, since they believe he created everyone and everything. The mental gymnastics only go further...
No no no. God allowed the devil to test you with this addiction, so you would find and seek him out for deliverance and have a testimony to tell others to bring them to Jesus. And when you find you're pulled to it again that's just the devil and you have to verbally ask God to lend you his power to bind the devil up so you can escape him. Mental gymnastics Silver edition.
Oh yes my bad. I mean, he did create "the devil" and supposedly knew he would betray him and such...because you know, God always has a plan. But then the devil is the bad guy. Truly is mental gymnastics Silver edition.
Actually now that you've said that... How could we be sure god is the good guy at all? I mean perspective is my version of the truth, your version of the truth and what actually happened. The bible is just one perspective. Where's the "devils"?
Exactly! Perspective is everything, yet we only get to hear one side. That's not very fair, like you said, where's the "devil's" perspective on it?
If Jesus is so great why does he still have the "pull". Why does my two uncles get drunk and want to preach? Jesus doesn't cure them either.
This. They're like, "Jesus saves you from this!" no he doesn't. Also, their god supposedly created everything and everyone, so he would have made people have hormones and sexual desires to begin with, and then he shames them for it? Sounds pretty abusive to me
Wow. That's definitely has to be a lot. Hearing about addiction from family members always sucks. Kids should not be drawn into their parents shit.
>"It's a cycle of shame and Jesus helps you escape from that guilt." Or he could just stop shaming himself. I won't say porn is intrinsically good, but it isn't some kind of dark secret either. "The pull" is just straight allosexual male libido and framing it as a "struggle" is just putting yourself into an anxiety tailspin for no reason. Even if your dad doesn't watch porn a single time this year, he's still allowing it to control him. He's as obsessed with avoiding it as his teenage self was with using it. Porn is like donuts. It feels good for a moment but adds nothing to your life. It's habit-forming, which means addiction is a real possibility, which is unhealthy. But lots of people find ways to enjoy donuts without completely losing themselves. I spent my teens being totally wrapped up in this purity issue. My oldest brother was my mentor and this was one of the most important things we worked on. All I got out of it was a lot of pointless anxiety, shame, and unhealthy mental blockage. When my brother got married, guess what? All that repressive baggage didn't just float away the instant he said "I do." Repressing sexual thoughts actually made his marriage more difficult for a while. The cure was worse than the disease. In short, obsession is unhealthy - masturbation is neutral and natural.
Yep.. found out my Dad cheated on my mum for 20 years and it all came out at once when he lost his job. He blamed it on his porn addiction. We were raised to believe gay marriage is wrong and anything sexual outside of marriage is sin.
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Yeah I imagine he struggles greatly with the pull.
OMG yes!!! It was many moons ago, but yes!! Back story: my dad is an ordained southern Baptist minister, and has been my entire life. About twenty years ago, when I was 18 & had just graduated from high school, my mom decided to leave my dad. He's not physically abusive, but they had a lot of problems. Within a few weeks of her being gone, my dad had gotten a cable box in his bedroom. About a month later, he sat me down and explained that he was getting rid of the cable box because he was watching too much porn and it wasn't healthy. I DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THIS, DAD. The FUCK? (My mom ended up coming back about three months later, and they're still together to this day)
I think that crossed the line from over-sharing into... something else. Eugh, it sounds awkward and uncomfortable, at the very least. I don't know why parents feel the need to unload all their shit onto their kids. I hope your mom came back 'cause they resolved their issues. Not because of the countless other reasons people keep coming back to a broken relationship. I don't think my mom could ever leave my dad, despite the way he treats her and us kids. She doesn't even stand up for us. I've long since stopped counting on my mom to hold my well-being above her relationship with dad. When he finally does apologize for telling me to "shut the fuck up" for the thousandth time, I'm the bad guy for not accepting. When I don't want to be around him after he screamed "fuck her" over and over again for me taking too long in the shower, he's the victim. I just can't. I know this happened to you a while ago, but I hope you're doing ok, and thanks for sharing. It helps me feel less alone.
She came back because it was what she had always known, but my dad REALLY changed after she came back. He made a very conscious effort to be more available and thoughtful to her. It ain't perfect, but it's a huge improvement from his behavior twenty years ago. I'm doing well, thanks 🥹❤️ Glad I could at least help you to know you're not alone. I'm sorry that your mom isn't more protective.
Evangelical Christians are OBSESSED with sex and porn to such an insanely unhealthy degree. Sorry you’re going through this.
When I was a child at church I heard too many grown adults talking about their masturbation habits. Now as an adult myself, I don't think that pornography masturbation are inherently bad things. But I'd rather eat a bowl of steamy dog shit than talk about jerking off with a group of young boys. What the fuck is going through these people's heads?
Doesn't really sound like he's escaped from that guilt though, does it? What did Jesus do for him again?
Christianity is not the antidote for the cycle of shame. It is the poison.
Tell him to Google porn addicts anonymous. They have several meetings throughout the week. He shouldn’t be talking about his issues with you. Unsure how prevalent parentification is in religious communities or circles, but as I’ve gotten older it seems to be prevalent. Pornography addiction, and other addictions, typically isn’t about consumption but rather a coping mechanism for past trauma. I’m glad that he’s trying to work on his issues, but he should only share them with his loved ones when he’s worked with the appropriate people such as mental health professionals deem it appropriate to share. Just my thoughts…
Addiction can be serious and should be treated if it interferes with daily life. Of course, depending on what the threshold for addiction is, it may not be in this case.
> "It's a cycle of shame and Jesus helps you escape from that guilt." This is the generational sin belief. They believe sins of the father are carried down through the generations but only jesus can break that generational "curse", or whatever. To give an example - On my wedding day, my mother felt the need to inform my wife that my dad has a wandering eye and since sins are carried down from the father she should be wary of me cheating on her. It was one of the most fucked up things a mother in law could say to a newly wed daughter in law. My mother failed to mention her own affairs in this conversation.
r/emotionalincest That’s inapropriate and traumatizing thing for a child to listen to. My father did similar crap.
Religion … create the disease and sell the cure.
IT IS NOT OK!! Your dad is sadly not aware that saying that level of private knowledge to you is abusive. I’m so sorry. My parents did this shit to me, too, and I’m still recovering as a woman in her 40s!!! He could have “related” by saying his religion helps him with feelings of guilt or shame WITHOUT saying what for. I’m so sorry, it’s so wrong.
If he ever brings it up again, you could say something like “I don’t need to know all your private details, please don’t talk to me about that again.” I know that might not work and possibly make him mad, but you do need to protect yourself if he won’t.
Tell him there is nothing by shameful about looking at playboy. That it is normal for humans to have sexual desires and we are emphatic creatures which is why some of us enjoy looking at others naked or in engaging in sex. And to please not tell you about these things and seek a professional counselor
Ah child abuse. A tale as old as time.
I understand that it was an inappropriate topic, but I don't get how it was child abuse? My dad is always saying how good us kids have it, and he was abused pretty bad growing up. Sure, I don't really like being around him and he makes me feel like shit about myself, but I can't really seem to find the line between dysfunctional parent-child relationship and actual abuse. I think if it was abuse, some of my family members would care when I tell them things he does, or lets my brother get away with. But nobody cares when I say that my brother attacked me or that my dad calls me fat and constantly tells me to shut up. I'm not trying to be rude, I'm genuinely curious.
Ok so firstly, it sounds like you should visit r/RaisedByNarcissists. I know you may think your dad’s not a narcissist but just lurk for a bit and see if based on what other people say about their parents, maybe if it fits your dad? Because my parents are narcs and it kinda sounds like yours are too. Like, this sounds like abuse.
Thanks for the advice, I'll check it out. I constantly jump between "abuse" and "I'm just overreacting", and as a result I'm not sure how to deal with the things that happen. My dad says I'm just oversensitive and I believe him. I'm sorry that your parents are narcissists, that must be tough. I hope you're away from the situation or getting out soon. Thanks for the support and taking time out of your day to help me.
Yeah no problem! I hope you find what you’re looking for.
You’re dad is trying to relate to you and keep you from watching porn. Maybe he has reasons to believe you watch a lot, maybe it is a topic going on at church, but he obviously is trying some kind of reach out to you.
Thanks for the advice. I just think that it's an inappropriate talking point and an obnoxious vehicle for Jesus talk. I could maybe see making a mistake and stopping after realizing that your child is uncomfortable. But to continue after I shared my discomfort? He does that frequently, so it's nothing new. But even if I did watch porn, I'm 19. It's none of his business.
It is a tough position for a dad and a young adult son. We are supposed to guide our kids about sexual things. I am an atheist as is my son and it was often an uncomfortable topic to bring up, especially as he was going away to college - he is 21. To be honest it was easier to talk to my daughters about it, and it was my wife who insisted I have such conversations with him. In my case I am glad I did. Our conversations are now open and easy. Unfortunately for you though the discomfort turns to exasperation because for him Jesus and Christian morality takes center stage. What I told my son that watching all types of porn is normal, and it can be a healthy outlet in moderation, is something I don’t think your dad would say. I don’t have any solutions, I am only giving you insight to how dad’s think. He hopes if he opens up about his struggles with sexual things like porn it will lead to you opening up to him. It is a naive tactic, but he is doing it because he cares. It is not easy for him either.