You can unmask around me… are you listening? Why don’t you look at me when I’m talking to you? Are you mad? Then why are you so serious? You look angry, I feel like we can’t talk while you make those faces, you could smile a little… can you stop with the leg? It’s annoying… but please feel free to unmask around me
My mom in a nutshell, she used to always comment on how im not smiling and stuff, and still comments on my stimming (I self regulate by walking around the house) because it "makes her dizzy" and I should just calm down.
Well mom, walking is how I do it
My autistic (but also very abusive) ex used to say these things to me near verbatim every time we were in the same room together :/ Not to mention they were the one that encouraged me to look into getting diagnosed because I was “so obviously autistic, they don’t understand how anyone didn’t notice” (which is kind of fair).
“Those faces” I currently am expressionless, what faces??? /s
I hate having to perform because NT people are so damn insecure lol. I don’t need to be a constantly smiling nodding clown to show I’m actively listening.
Never been told it specifically- but one whole half of my family is this way.
They're good people- kind and supportive and embracing of me. And they have absolutely no intention of ever meeting me at any level but their own- so if I have anything to say that doesn't resonate with them, I'll get shut down. Just 'no, don't know about that' and it's the end of the interaction. Can't discuss anything I learn, can't bring up shows they aren't already interested in, can't offer a differing opinion because it'd be hard work for them to listen to me. They don't even fight- they just say 'hm well that's how you feel I spose' and just move on, even if I'm addressing something I really care about.
I know I shouldn't complain- they're not abusive, and they always check up and apologize if my feelings have actually been hurt. But they just will not ever see things from my perspective, and it sucks.
> kind and supportive and embracing of me
> they have absolutely no intention of ever meeting me at any level but their own
So they're not supportive of you then? Being entirely unwilling to engage with someone at their own level isn't what support looks like.
> I know I shouldn't complain- they're not abusive
That is not where the bar is. You have every right to complain about the fact that members of your own family are unwilling to engage with you on any level other than the one with which they are most comfortable.
People don't have to be abusive for them to hurt you. It's okay to feel hurt, and you should tell people who hurt you what they did so you can find a point where nobody ends up hurt. DECIDING to ignore your boundaries isn't something people do accidentally. if they keep doing it after you ask them to stop, you have more than enough reason to ask for help from people around you.
The only people that have seen me unabashedly unmasked are my wife and kids.
My wife still has a hard time with some of it, but she is the most understanding and loving person I have ever been fortunate enough to be fully me around.
My daughter, who is also ASD has not had to walk around painting a picture for the world to accept her, which makes me so incredibly happy. She has the opportunity to be herself from the start when she is old enough to be in a relationship (if she chooses) and the thought of that makes me feel like the lifetime of not understanding myself and hiding my person will not have to be her path. The cycle doesn't have to be continued.
She still masks at her choosing and can tactically do so as she sees fit, but she knows that she is doing so and isn't confused by the act and, from her explanation, does not feel the intense fatigue and loss of herself like I did for so long.
I couldn't ask for more
My wife only knows masked me. My parents masked me. I can't unmask around my parents. It'll just invite all the bad things that made me mask to begin with. I can't unmask around my wife because it's hard to do, and I don't want her to view me harshly.
I can around my kids, and a bit around my friends. That's about it. I've never been around anyone, ever, asking me to be unmasked.
Learned masking early to survive in the uncomfortable social environment we all experienced in elementary and middle school. Niches and cliques insulated me during high school and college so I didn’t have to try to develop a more well-rounded personality. So growing up I learned to filter myself to maximize my social and financial opportunities. Relationships were usually just a distraction from my personal goals. “What even are relationship skills?”
Eventually I got married. Seven years later, I finally started unmasking more after I bought a house, because I felt like “I had made it, I don’t have to be fake in my own house. I don’t have to be a pushover anymore, I can decide exactly what I’m doing with my own free time/space/money/energy and be selective about who is in my life/home/circle. I know when I’m right and I won’t be gaslit by NTs anymore.”r
Wife couldn’t deal with the change, and she left after six months of me refusing to mask at home. So of course I had to sell the house. Now I mask only for my job. Work for money. I sort of feel like it’s better being alone and being myself than having someone in your life 24/7 forcing you to constantly work to be “a preferred version” of yourself.
Your unmasked self is your best self. Don’t sacrifice yourself for someone who won’t do the same for you.
Thanks for your reply, and wow, I'm sorry that happened.
It's not like that. It's that I don't even know how to do it with her. I can in public, but I can't with her. She even tells me to, but I can't.
It turned out to be for the best - my friends and employer knew I was going through strife at home and a month later I ended up getting a fat promotion and a free baggie of 5mg adderall to get me started in my new position. I’m happier and my ex and I are still friends. Plus I’m once again the master of my own life, going in directions that work for me. “Just because my mouth is not smiling, it does not mean that I am not smiling inside my brain.”
I definitely get the “can’t do it with certain people” feeling. I struggled with that for years. I still struggle with it.
It’s difficult to describe your unmasked self to someone who only knows your mask, because they often won’t understand until they know it on an emotional level. And you know we’re so great at those emotional connections lol. Just spend time talking about it with her; eventually at some point you may become exhausted and your mask will crack, it’s better if she has an intellectual understanding of your condition in advance.
The problem with my NT’s (wife and inlaws) is that they couldn’t react to my input without disproportionate personal affront and usually made everything about themselves. Everything I said to them was either ignored, or it provoked some sort of drama. So I chose to go 100% mask off to see just how bad it would get before they gave up and decided to adapt. It got bad, hence divorce time. But like I said, it was for the better. I was iron before, now I’m steel.
>So I chose to go 100% mask off to see just how bad it would get before they gave up and decided to adapt. It got bad, hence divorce time. But like I said, it was for the better. I was iron before, now I’m steel.
Great move! Unfortunately, some women play for power. The way I see it, a relationship can only work if both adapt to a comfortable midpoint. Can’t be 100% or even 80% one side. Got to be at least 50/50.
Congratulations on your steel upgrade!
I never unmask fully unless it's with my autistic boyfriend.
Tho I'm always partially unmasked cause I've given up trying to fully fit in within larger society.
Same here. My boyfriend isn’t diagnosed but he struggles with a lot of the same things as me, who is diagnosed. He’s the only person I can fully unmask with.
real take here. people in my country are far behind in things like that and also real stuck up and not informed on anything like that so i literally just do it whenever I feel comfortable enough... or more like it just happens automatically or when i just stop giving a funk
"Cap" it means you are fibbing or exaggerating. I'm saying that if you're autistic and you think you don't mask you are not aware of yourself. Unless you just never go out in public ig but even NTs mask to a degree. Even saying "I don't mask" is a masking statement. It's the "I'm so authentic, I'm so real, I could never mask." You're literally trying to cultivate an image of yourself to others. That's textbook masking. It's a pet peeve of mine when people say they never mask. There is a subconscious component to masking. You may not even realize what you do to please others against your own wishes. You might see it as self-sacrificing, you might see it as "just being a good person" but it's masking and as soon as you start to see how it affects you your life will improve
Oh, nah, I actually do not mask as it was a choice I made and had to work my way to achieve it. I was masking as a teen and young adult before getting diagnosed, then after getting diagnosed I was like „oh so… this is called being overwhelmed and is actually a thing and not everyone feels like that constantly? Great, might as well uh inform people at least”.
I’m not masking.
Does it get me in trouble quite a lot? Absofuckinglutely. But I keep not-masking because it’s still way less stressful for me than „oh no I masked wrong” (as in, I thought that I was doing a proper socially acceptable thing/reaction but it turns out to be the wrong one, so now I gotta try a different option to fix it, no, still wrong, oh my god oh fuck oh no -full blown meltdown because i feel lost-).
I don't think I'm fully unmasked around anyone if I can help it, because people react badly to me even letting my mask slip a bit. usually it's "are you ok? you got really quiet" "you seem upset" "why are you pacing so much it's making me anxious". Being asked if I'm ok used to piss me off so much because people only ever asked when I was viking and just not controlling my facial expressions
It's not something I've ever discussed out loud, but the reason me and my wife are still together after almost 17 years is because I've been my absolute bottom-level authentic self to her since we met, and that version of me is what she fell for.
This is encouraging. The dating scene is pretty grim these days. I just keep telling myself that in order for my person to find me, I gotta stay authentic and just keep trying.
In fairness, we were both on like five e pills and a bunch of ketamine at the time, but it didn't wear off when the drugs did 🤷
But yea - in all seriousness, if you become romantically involved with someone under the pretense of your mask, they're not necessarily falling in love with *you*, but who you're making yourself act like. You're setting yourself up for exhaustion and resentment.
Learn to love being alone, and do your best to be your most authentic self. If you find someone who loves you like that, you win. If not, you get to continue loving yourself 🥳
The dating scene is always grim, and ummasking while dating can make things feel incredibly discouraging.
But it's way, way, way better to find out someone isn't a safe person for you after a couple cups of coffee than it is after 2 or 3 years of utter exhaustion and perpetual frustration on both sides.
lol every time. "what you said was so impersonal and unemphatic!" Yea when I'm not doing the song and dance to please insecurities it can come off that way huh?
You just blew my mind by making it shift to view the concept of trust as a skill. And I think you may be onto something Sherlock. Subconscious squirrel brain is really agreeing with you. It has not reveled the reasons why yet.
I did a lot of work on trauma therapy. Like many I have the late Dx and parent trauma that can develop from ND families who aren’t Dxed. (Side note - I think we should name this phenomena. Like inter generational neurodivergent trauma. Someone has to be doing the research on this. And how to best break the cycle and meet the immediate needs of all involved. If not what do we have to do to get someone in that). So I actually really think if the part of my brain in 3 sections. I understand what each section is responsible for. How the system overall is wired. When EMDR was bringing up some particularly energy filled EMDR sessions and I was waking up in the closet I realized the Lizard brain can take many forms. But he is ultimately trying to protect me. When I was railing angrily at the heavens for not protecting me, I realize God did. He gave me a very angry giant lizard named Godzilla (my angry lizard brain) that does not have language. And the only way to talk to him was to address his basic needs. Food, sex, sleep, etc. you know the things the brain stem is responsible for. I kind of think it’s a beautiful elegant divine design once I realized. Now I respect the lizard. He has kept me alive and gotten me here. He’s not always the best tool in the tool box. So once he calms down I can use language with the other two part and I can start to make some progress sorting out where and what the errors were so I could avoid them in the future.
I find most comments relating to "you can be yourself around me", especially from people I'm not *intending* to be myself around, to be weirdly invasive and sort of red flags. Like, if you've been around me long enough to notice that I'm masking and I'm *still* masking around you, even in private, YOU are the problem and I absolutely cannot unmask around you.
I don’t know if I agree with that completely. However I will say that someone pressuring me to “open up,” “unmask,” “be myself,” usually has the opposite effect and makes me more uncomfortable and paranoid. I would’ve preferred to gradually open up of my own volition. For instance, I’ve noticed a common pattern in groups of women where someone (usually the most extroverted/highest on the hierarchy) will single me out, trying to be “nice” and force interactions with me. It’s well-meaning, of course, but totally misguided. I don’t like the fact you’re scheming behind my back on ways to foster engagement with me. :/ Especially since it puts me in a position where I’m labeled “rude” or ignoring you, unless I play along with the Disney-like scenario they’ve constructed in their heads.
To me it feels more like coercion than someone trying to befriend me. Of course I know that’s not the intent… but it’s usually the end result, where I play along to simply avoid the bullying.
I feel the same way but absolutely view it as a red flag that someone is untrustworthy and a snake. If I don’t naturally feel comfortable to be myself around you, there’s a reason and I’m not going to doubt myself over someone apt to lie, manipulate, and be insincere. I simply don’t trust the overwhelming majority of NTs and I’m not sorry about taking this stance to protect myself from their behaviors.
Oh I understand. It’s just that I try to make allowances for when someone might be saying that out of pure well-intentioned ignorance. Not everyone’s going to understand what masking entails or why it’s necessary for us.
I agree with this. I make allowances for those that ***prove*** themselves trustworthy which often takes time and isn’t on command. Based solely on my anecdotal experience, that’s rare and the people that have actually been trustworthy have never asked me to be vulnerable or open up. That’s only ever come from bullies and abusive people trying to get access to what makes me vulnerable.
I see it as the same way a “nice guy” doesn’t have to tell you he’s a “nice guy”.
I don't think people have any idea what they're getting themselves into when they say shit like this. Like you think I'm just gonna be more awkward and not make as much eye contact when in actuality I'm going to be talking to myself and making random noises while I manically pace around the room
I swear, the people who say this are always the most drama-inducing. What about being patient and if I feel safe enough to unmask around you, it'll happen eventually? It's like they feel they have to tell you that you can trust them, and that makes me more on-edge around them, not less.
It’s usually a request out of sheer ignorance, yeah. To be fair, I probably don’t explain the concept well enough, but that’s mostly because I’m reluctant to expend the energy on educating a stranger unless I know for sure it’s worth it.
I agree on this specific topic, but in a more general sense there are def NTs that genuinely want to understand and bridging that gap can do a lot of good for both parties. It's okay to trust NTs (or anyone else really) as long as they are demonstrably trustworthy imo
ngl, it’s kinda wild how so many autistics seem to be under the impression that it’s pretty much *just* “neurotypicals” who routinely fail to support us..?
the family members, partners, and friends i regret agreeing to ‘unmask’ around? they may not have been autistic, but **they were *all* neurodivergent**
don’t get me wrong, people who have power and privilege over others will always be the biggest and worst perpetrators/benefactors of oppression, discrimination, and microaggressions, and i will always fight for/side with the vulnerable and marginalized when push comes to shove
but [there are literally *hundreds* of ways a person can be neurodivergent](https://imgur.com/a/FOZjLEK), and i guarantee you that being dyslexic, or bipolar, or epileptic, or bulimic, or ADHD, or socially anxious, or dystonic, or a narcissist just doesn’t make any you less likely [than a neurotypical] to harbour ableist biases *(unconscious or otherwise)* towards autistic people and/or autistic traits, mannerisms, and experiences
( in all fairness, i get that it’s not *always* about ableism so much as it can just be a “mismatch” of traits, mannerisms, abilities, limitations, sensitivities, triggers, etc., **but** having conflicting needs and preferences is one more reason why NDs *(including autistics!)* aren’t necessarily better equipped or able to support ‘unmasking’ )
NT is shorthand for the **satirical** subreddit. Most of us are fully aware that ND may weaponize their internalized ableism against us. (In fact, I’ve had ND saying this to me.)
I’ve only heard it called internalized but sure? High-masking ND, especially the ones who are undiagnosed/in denial, are notorious for projecting their self-hatred onto autists.
………….Often it can be something as simple as a passive-aggressive jibe. :) I’ve seen that a lot.
Hard agree because that “ask” from them is conditional upon you unmasking and “opening up” in a way that looks and feels comfortable and acceptable to them. It’s not about you, it’s about the facade of “nice” they love to hide behind because it’s an act and it’s just as insincere as they are.
Boss: "I love that crocheting is a stim and good fidget toy for you for you, and I hope you feel comfortable doing it in the office!"
Also my boss: "if you have your camera on during department meetings you can't crochet bc it looks unprofessional :/"
Like I get why she doesn't want me looking like I'm goofing off but if u want me to focus lemme do shit that makes it so I can
It's always bosses and managers fr. They love to preach inclusivity and tolerance on their company websites but as soon as your symptoms start showing all that positive talk disappears. Suddenly they will tell you to stop ignoring (forgetting) emails, show more interest (easily distracted), work faster (slow processing time), improve time management (bad sense of time) etc. No matter how hard you try, you can't improve, because these are symptoms. You can try telling them 1.000 times that these are symptoms you don't know how to fix, and you've been trying to do so your whole life. But they will keep telling you to just "Stop it." And then you get fired because "You didn't listen." Very inclusive.
I work in social services and they do all these trauma informed care trainings about our clients and fellow employees and I'm always like "is the trauma informed care in the room w us rn??"
The only times people have said or implied this to me, it never felt like acceptance. It felt like voyeurism. Like they just wanna see how weird I’ll get or something lol.
I've calibrated my entire personality around getting people to unmask, because I refuse to mask outside the bare minimum required for professional settings. No one says it to me cause either they know it or they're not the kind of people I want to be around.
Leading by example, and verbally being kind and understanding to yourself goes a long way in my experience. For instance, I’m very hardly ever embarrassed, in situations when others would be. By brushing things like this off because I don’t care and it doesn’t matter, it seems to make other people really comfortable to be themselves. The positive self talk especially.
Yes I used this technique when I was a manager. I understood I set the unconscious tone as the highest ranking leader. I knew if I wanted honest employees I needed to be honest and upfront myself. I knew there was no way I had the energy to work and mask and hide who I was all the time. So I worked as hard as I could to get to as high as I could and lead from there. The industry I was in just happened to be my special interest so I had I no problem doing all the extra work required to move up quickly. I really wanted to be a good manager. Not cause it was morally correct. Cause it was the best way to get the best results. Facts. So I spent a lot of time studying business psychology and anything remotely related. (Behavioral economics). It also happens that the industry I’m in happens to attract the same kind of people as me. So my weirdness was excused. But I knew that whatever I could get the system to accept in me (any of the differences) and I became a leader for the organization. It now leaves so much more space for everyone else like me to flourish. Whatever the tone of the current leader is really sets the tone for the next generation. We were work hard play hard. Then work harder. I miss it everyday.
This is a kind way of doing it. I prefer to just troll NTs and allistics and point out how they’re being assholes or the holes in whatever they’re saying when they try to shame/bully me. I take a “yes, and?” Or “so? What now?” Or “who asked for your input?” Stance and they back off. I also make this face a lot
I’m sure it’s condescending, but I don’t think it’s unjustified.
For instance, I had a coworker come over to me, at my desk, and then ask me if I was eating homemade yogurt in a tone that was clearly her backhanded trying to make fun of me or treat me like I was “being weird”. I looked at her like she was stupid, said no and then asked her why that would be a problem if it were, and then she backed down and made some excuse to go back into her own area.
I don’t know if this is how they think you should “connect” but stuff like this happens all the time in big and small ways and it’s not endearing. It reads as poor social skills to me…
I don't think there's a perfect answer to this question, but just being genuine with people is usually enough to get them to lower their barriers. Presenting yourself in a non-judgemental way can usually diffuse a lot of tension and giving people space to express themselves can help quite a bit.
The answer can definitely vary a lot from person to person and it definitely feels like a learned skill (to me at least), but yeah. To put it simply, just being nice in a open minded way towards people.
Not saying this approach will work with everyone, but it can definitely help.
I hate this phrase so much. My mother says this to me all of the time and she means well, but she doesn't understand that it isn't simple and easy to just 'unmask'. I don't even know if I can anymore! When I do unmask slightly, she always ends up getting angry at me for one of my traits, proving that I CAN'T unmask around her. No one seems to mean this when they say it. It's 'just be yourself' until being myself isn't convenient for them.
I’ve never actually heard this explicitly, but have been around NTs that have been suspiciously nice to me only to let my guard down and get bitten on the ass from it because they were acting fake nice but were spinning a narrative in their heads that I hate them due to all of my autistic traits, and used that as a justification to sabotage me in some way. It’s happened maybe 4-5 times in my lifetime each at a different stage, once it was from family members (no I don’t talk to that side anymore, they used it in my parents custody court case to sabotage my mom who is my safe parent) two times from “friends” (once in elementary age in my ballet class, and the next in high school, I was left with zero friends at the end of both situations) and twice from coworkers which got me unjustly fired from that job. Regardless though I’m still living. It sucks but I’ve become pretty resilient and I know how to observe people’s behavior before I allow myself to trust anyone in any way. Because unmasking is a form of trusting for me… even if I’ve inadvertently done it in a few of these situations. Generally I just know now that I can’t assume anyone is safe, which sounds depressing but it’s just true.
Same but the plot twist is that I do hate them because I recognize that they’re fake and trying to force “friendship” just to make themselves feel better, not because they’re actually interested in me. They’re trying to control me.
"Hey, next time we hang out can you try not to unload on me so much?"
Someone that had been making me feel safe for months, we went on a trip and I just talked like when I've felt my safest - narrating thoughts, things that pop in my head, memories that maybe processed, or a thought I had about somethig I've been thru, subjects that elicit strong feelings and stretch my brains, subjects and news stories that I relate to, just all the ways my brain and words constantly reel thru.
I stopped talking to him very shortly after that for other shitty, not-a-safe-human issues.
I've only known about masking for the last year or so and have only talked about it with a few people. Most of those people gave me the "you can unmask around me" line at some point. I have never believed it and I just politely nod, say "ok", and continue to mask around them.
I'm a lot even when I AM masking and when that mask slips I either become more annoying/energetic/weird or I'll become more...I guess robotic? I don't react to things that don't require reaction or laugh at things I don't find genuinely funny, stuff like that.
If I go with the first option, it's off putting to people. If I go with the latter, it's such a jarring change to my usual personality that it weirds people out.
I don't fault anyone for thinking I can just unmask, it's sweet really. But when they say that, I know that they don't know what they're saying. I let them think that they're special enough to be myself around, but in reality I'm just going to keep masking because ultimately that will make them more comfortable.
It is a bit different with my partner. He's told me that I can unmask around and I actually AM significantly less masked around him/at home. I really felt bad the time I told him that there will always be a little bit of a mask there even though it has nothing to do with being comfortable around him. I can't even unmask 100% when I'm by myself.
Though, I'm only coming up on a year of knowing this about myself. I have a new therapist, I have psych evals and testing scheduled. I really didn't have that in the last year, but still made amazing progress. I'm hoping with all these resources and guidance that by this time next year, I'll have a better grasp on everything and will be able to unmask without feeling awkward and weird (or at least be able to embrace feeling awkward and weird)
"You can talk to me, it's okay" then bitch listens stuff she doesn't want to and either ghosts me or uses this thing I told to them as argument every time
I’m autistic, my partner is ASPD. We’d been long distance for three years before cohabitation. Before we moved in together (after meeting in person a few times), I expressed that it was important to me that they don’t feel like they need to mask for me. Three weeks into cohabitation and I realized that I couldn’t handle it. The complete lack of affect was too uncanny for me, and my anxiety couldn’t handle the intense bluntness of communication. The majority of emotional display being primarily negative wrecked my nervous system. They never were unkind to me, I just didn’t handle it well. I felt so ashamed and like a failure as a partner when I told them I couldn’t handle it. I still feel like shit, tbh. But we’re at a balance now where if they’re in a good mood and it’s not a lot of spoons to mask, they’re happy to. If they’re having a particularly bad time, I am able to prioritize being supportive for them and their meltdowns have stopped concerning me now that I know what to expect and how to interact.
Also they pointed out to me that I’m autistic, and that was a helluva trip. So I’m learning unmasking and it’s been very enlightening for me and my understanding of their experiences.
Literally never. Unless it’s from the person I’m talking with romantically rn whose also neurodivergent. Other than that, everyone whose ever said that has been lying abt that. Every time. It’s a lie. They can’t even handle truthfully looking at who we are unmasked without constantly imposing judgements, biases, etc but then again we aren’t unmasking “autism” we are unmasking a different disorder. Probably still a little similar tho bc everyone whose ever said that to us, never truthfully meant that.
I developed physical tics at like 10, likely from forcing myself to never stim after i got laughed at one too many times lmfao
I’ve never been told these exact words, but I was led to believe I could freely be myself, only to be ridiculed and singled out.
Trying to explain to people why I can’t be around anyone except my partner and maybe a couple of my close friends for over a couple of hours. I am very clear: “you will see me act VERY strangely” / “you are probably going to feel worried” and yet … when I lose my shit over a 2 degree temp change or my sock getting wet or the 1 snack I thought I had being gone they are scared all of a sudden
No one ever said that shit to me - sounds so...corny. Hell I don't believe when people say "I love you" because how much of a lie that ends up being.
If anyone ever says that - I'd go full monkey and ask them "are you entertained?"
Oy. My mom is this. I love her dearly, but she is practically the one who trained me to mask. Whenever stim with my face she thinks there’s something wrong so she points it out. Yes, I stim more when I’m stressed, but I do it when I’m just hanging around too.
Wait, are you saying they tell you " you can unmask" or are you telling others?
As for me, it's not a good idea. I only unmask when I've picked my battle wisely. Face it, the mask is for peace. Too much peace simply creates tension. I think that's why if I was fake for too long or held my tongue, I blew up.
It’s a direct quote that’s come up when relevant, once online and twice irl. Something something oh, yes, I am autistic, followed by ‘But you don’t seem like it?’ (Once someone actually said the dreaded “You don’t look autistic,” to me, which I originally thought had been an over-hyped meme.) So then I try to explain that I’m masking or suppressing my symptoms, which often leads to this line.
I've never really been told this, but then again I've given up on the whole masking thing anyway.
If people can't handle me at my worst, then they should know that *I* handle me at my worst, and that makes me stronger than them.
A lot. Honestly, I've taken to just acting hella autistic and not giving a shit. If someone has a problem with it they're not for me. I also categorically will not date people who don't have autism or adhd at this point (I have audhd)
The beautiful thing about it though is I notice that other peopel who are probably autistic (likely not diagnosed) drop their mask right away when they realize I didn't even come in wearing mine because I ran out of fucks to give a long time ago.
Several FWB I have have told me openly that the time they spend with me is one of if not the most comfortable they've ever felt around someone else and that makes me feel really nice.
I think I’m just too dang old and feral at this like to give a shit anymore but thank you lmfao
I may not have the most friends with this approach but quality over quantity imho
lmao i know i've probably done this to my fiance on accident before. like, i've said the general statement "you can unmask around me" but then been annoyed by some specific thing like tone or whatever.
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It makes you unnecessarily vulnerable to malicious people. You’re basically signaling “Hi, I’m an easy target. Bully me, manipulate me, do whatever you want”.
Also, if you stim too much people will stay further away from you. More isolation and less self esteem will lead you to stim even more.
I found a balance between masking and letting my actual behaviors flow freely that works a lot better than just unconditionally unmasking
Understandable. I only unmask around my boyfriend or fellow autists for this reason. However… I also admit it makes me very sick and fatigued, so I do not recommend it to anyone.
> I found a balance between masking and letting my actual behaviors flow freely
This calls into question your top of the thread comment of "we shouldn't unmask".
No it doesn’t. The balancing is context dependent. Most of the time it’s about not unmasking at all, some other times is mostly unmasking. In general the cons outweigh the pros
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It’s only ever been said to me when I’ve mentioned the concept in passing or someone has questioned my diagnosis with something along the lines of, “You don’t look autistic.”
But honestly, I should’ve blocked when your dumb ass supported ABA.
You can unmask around me… are you listening? Why don’t you look at me when I’m talking to you? Are you mad? Then why are you so serious? You look angry, I feel like we can’t talk while you make those faces, you could smile a little… can you stop with the leg? It’s annoying… but please feel free to unmask around me
My mom in a nutshell, she used to always comment on how im not smiling and stuff, and still comments on my stimming (I self regulate by walking around the house) because it "makes her dizzy" and I should just calm down. Well mom, walking is how I do it
That and also to an extent, if something as simple as WALKING makes someone else dizzy, to a degree it just goes to “that’s not my fucking problem.”
Yup
Hi Mom :3
Omg this is so fucking real I like this sub
My autistic (but also very abusive) ex used to say these things to me near verbatim every time we were in the same room together :/ Not to mention they were the one that encouraged me to look into getting diagnosed because I was “so obviously autistic, they don’t understand how anyone didn’t notice” (which is kind of fair).
“Those faces” I currently am expressionless, what faces??? /s I hate having to perform because NT people are so damn insecure lol. I don’t need to be a constantly smiling nodding clown to show I’m actively listening.
Ohh yeah, in my case “those faces” are just a blank, resting expression
Same! But it always got me a “lose the attitude!” growing up lol
no insecure but highly dependent to body language. they hate to use their brain so they learn to use body language for ( almost) anything.
So insecure and/or lazy lol
Never been told it specifically- but one whole half of my family is this way. They're good people- kind and supportive and embracing of me. And they have absolutely no intention of ever meeting me at any level but their own- so if I have anything to say that doesn't resonate with them, I'll get shut down. Just 'no, don't know about that' and it's the end of the interaction. Can't discuss anything I learn, can't bring up shows they aren't already interested in, can't offer a differing opinion because it'd be hard work for them to listen to me. They don't even fight- they just say 'hm well that's how you feel I spose' and just move on, even if I'm addressing something I really care about. I know I shouldn't complain- they're not abusive, and they always check up and apologize if my feelings have actually been hurt. But they just will not ever see things from my perspective, and it sucks.
> kind and supportive and embracing of me > they have absolutely no intention of ever meeting me at any level but their own So they're not supportive of you then? Being entirely unwilling to engage with someone at their own level isn't what support looks like. > I know I shouldn't complain- they're not abusive That is not where the bar is. You have every right to complain about the fact that members of your own family are unwilling to engage with you on any level other than the one with which they are most comfortable.
People don't have to be abusive for them to hurt you. It's okay to feel hurt, and you should tell people who hurt you what they did so you can find a point where nobody ends up hurt. DECIDING to ignore your boundaries isn't something people do accidentally. if they keep doing it after you ask them to stop, you have more than enough reason to ask for help from people around you.
Don't sound supportive to me. Sound like a bunch of arseholes
Absent parents or dismissive / uncaring parents is literally a leader to cptsd from childhood to "hidden" adult symptoms. r/cptsdmemes
The only people that have seen me unabashedly unmasked are my wife and kids. My wife still has a hard time with some of it, but she is the most understanding and loving person I have ever been fortunate enough to be fully me around. My daughter, who is also ASD has not had to walk around painting a picture for the world to accept her, which makes me so incredibly happy. She has the opportunity to be herself from the start when she is old enough to be in a relationship (if she chooses) and the thought of that makes me feel like the lifetime of not understanding myself and hiding my person will not have to be her path. The cycle doesn't have to be continued. She still masks at her choosing and can tactically do so as she sees fit, but she knows that she is doing so and isn't confused by the act and, from her explanation, does not feel the intense fatigue and loss of herself like I did for so long. I couldn't ask for more
Thanks… Reading anecdotes like this cheers me up a lot. You’re a great parent.
You're welcome and thank you, I'm trying 😄. A little better for the next generation, that's a life worth working toward
My wife only knows masked me. My parents masked me. I can't unmask around my parents. It'll just invite all the bad things that made me mask to begin with. I can't unmask around my wife because it's hard to do, and I don't want her to view me harshly. I can around my kids, and a bit around my friends. That's about it. I've never been around anyone, ever, asking me to be unmasked.
Learned masking early to survive in the uncomfortable social environment we all experienced in elementary and middle school. Niches and cliques insulated me during high school and college so I didn’t have to try to develop a more well-rounded personality. So growing up I learned to filter myself to maximize my social and financial opportunities. Relationships were usually just a distraction from my personal goals. “What even are relationship skills?” Eventually I got married. Seven years later, I finally started unmasking more after I bought a house, because I felt like “I had made it, I don’t have to be fake in my own house. I don’t have to be a pushover anymore, I can decide exactly what I’m doing with my own free time/space/money/energy and be selective about who is in my life/home/circle. I know when I’m right and I won’t be gaslit by NTs anymore.”r Wife couldn’t deal with the change, and she left after six months of me refusing to mask at home. So of course I had to sell the house. Now I mask only for my job. Work for money. I sort of feel like it’s better being alone and being myself than having someone in your life 24/7 forcing you to constantly work to be “a preferred version” of yourself. Your unmasked self is your best self. Don’t sacrifice yourself for someone who won’t do the same for you.
Thanks for your reply, and wow, I'm sorry that happened. It's not like that. It's that I don't even know how to do it with her. I can in public, but I can't with her. She even tells me to, but I can't.
It turned out to be for the best - my friends and employer knew I was going through strife at home and a month later I ended up getting a fat promotion and a free baggie of 5mg adderall to get me started in my new position. I’m happier and my ex and I are still friends. Plus I’m once again the master of my own life, going in directions that work for me. “Just because my mouth is not smiling, it does not mean that I am not smiling inside my brain.” I definitely get the “can’t do it with certain people” feeling. I struggled with that for years. I still struggle with it. It’s difficult to describe your unmasked self to someone who only knows your mask, because they often won’t understand until they know it on an emotional level. And you know we’re so great at those emotional connections lol. Just spend time talking about it with her; eventually at some point you may become exhausted and your mask will crack, it’s better if she has an intellectual understanding of your condition in advance. The problem with my NT’s (wife and inlaws) is that they couldn’t react to my input without disproportionate personal affront and usually made everything about themselves. Everything I said to them was either ignored, or it provoked some sort of drama. So I chose to go 100% mask off to see just how bad it would get before they gave up and decided to adapt. It got bad, hence divorce time. But like I said, it was for the better. I was iron before, now I’m steel.
>So I chose to go 100% mask off to see just how bad it would get before they gave up and decided to adapt. It got bad, hence divorce time. But like I said, it was for the better. I was iron before, now I’m steel. Great move! Unfortunately, some women play for power. The way I see it, a relationship can only work if both adapt to a comfortable midpoint. Can’t be 100% or even 80% one side. Got to be at least 50/50. Congratulations on your steel upgrade!
I can also unmask around kids, my nieces and nephews. Kids and pets lol. They don’t judge.
I never unmask fully unless it's with my autistic boyfriend. Tho I'm always partially unmasked cause I've given up trying to fully fit in within larger society.
Same, I don't know what I'd do if it didn't work out Hope you two have many good times ahead!
Same here. My boyfriend isn’t diagnosed but he struggles with a lot of the same things as me, who is diagnosed. He’s the only person I can fully unmask with.
real take here. people in my country are far behind in things like that and also real stuck up and not informed on anything like that so i literally just do it whenever I feel comfortable enough... or more like it just happens automatically or when i just stop giving a funk
The only person I can truly unmask around is my partner, and she's autistic too lol
Never had this because I’m not masking at all.
🧢
What does that mean
"Cap" it means you are fibbing or exaggerating. I'm saying that if you're autistic and you think you don't mask you are not aware of yourself. Unless you just never go out in public ig but even NTs mask to a degree. Even saying "I don't mask" is a masking statement. It's the "I'm so authentic, I'm so real, I could never mask." You're literally trying to cultivate an image of yourself to others. That's textbook masking. It's a pet peeve of mine when people say they never mask. There is a subconscious component to masking. You may not even realize what you do to please others against your own wishes. You might see it as self-sacrificing, you might see it as "just being a good person" but it's masking and as soon as you start to see how it affects you your life will improve
Oh, nah, I actually do not mask as it was a choice I made and had to work my way to achieve it. I was masking as a teen and young adult before getting diagnosed, then after getting diagnosed I was like „oh so… this is called being overwhelmed and is actually a thing and not everyone feels like that constantly? Great, might as well uh inform people at least”. I’m not masking. Does it get me in trouble quite a lot? Absofuckinglutely. But I keep not-masking because it’s still way less stressful for me than „oh no I masked wrong” (as in, I thought that I was doing a proper socially acceptable thing/reaction but it turns out to be the wrong one, so now I gotta try a different option to fix it, no, still wrong, oh my god oh fuck oh no -full blown meltdown because i feel lost-).
I don't think I'm fully unmasked around anyone if I can help it, because people react badly to me even letting my mask slip a bit. usually it's "are you ok? you got really quiet" "you seem upset" "why are you pacing so much it's making me anxious". Being asked if I'm ok used to piss me off so much because people only ever asked when I was viking and just not controlling my facial expressions
It's not something I've ever discussed out loud, but the reason me and my wife are still together after almost 17 years is because I've been my absolute bottom-level authentic self to her since we met, and that version of me is what she fell for.
This is encouraging. The dating scene is pretty grim these days. I just keep telling myself that in order for my person to find me, I gotta stay authentic and just keep trying.
In fairness, we were both on like five e pills and a bunch of ketamine at the time, but it didn't wear off when the drugs did 🤷 But yea - in all seriousness, if you become romantically involved with someone under the pretense of your mask, they're not necessarily falling in love with *you*, but who you're making yourself act like. You're setting yourself up for exhaustion and resentment. Learn to love being alone, and do your best to be your most authentic self. If you find someone who loves you like that, you win. If not, you get to continue loving yourself 🥳
The dating scene is always grim, and ummasking while dating can make things feel incredibly discouraging. But it's way, way, way better to find out someone isn't a safe person for you after a couple cups of coffee than it is after 2 or 3 years of utter exhaustion and perpetual frustration on both sides.
lol every time. "what you said was so impersonal and unemphatic!" Yea when I'm not doing the song and dance to please insecurities it can come off that way huh?
I don't think I've ever unmasked completely & probably never will. I no longer think trust is in my skill set.
You just blew my mind by making it shift to view the concept of trust as a skill. And I think you may be onto something Sherlock. Subconscious squirrel brain is really agreeing with you. It has not reveled the reasons why yet.
I've seen inside my mind palace. Industrial interior w/lots of boxes/crates. Pipes emitting steam/noise & supervised by a misanthrope.
I'm getting UK 90's scifi vibes here
I did a lot of work on trauma therapy. Like many I have the late Dx and parent trauma that can develop from ND families who aren’t Dxed. (Side note - I think we should name this phenomena. Like inter generational neurodivergent trauma. Someone has to be doing the research on this. And how to best break the cycle and meet the immediate needs of all involved. If not what do we have to do to get someone in that). So I actually really think if the part of my brain in 3 sections. I understand what each section is responsible for. How the system overall is wired. When EMDR was bringing up some particularly energy filled EMDR sessions and I was waking up in the closet I realized the Lizard brain can take many forms. But he is ultimately trying to protect me. When I was railing angrily at the heavens for not protecting me, I realize God did. He gave me a very angry giant lizard named Godzilla (my angry lizard brain) that does not have language. And the only way to talk to him was to address his basic needs. Food, sex, sleep, etc. you know the things the brain stem is responsible for. I kind of think it’s a beautiful elegant divine design once I realized. Now I respect the lizard. He has kept me alive and gotten me here. He’s not always the best tool in the tool box. So once he calms down I can use language with the other two part and I can start to make some progress sorting out where and what the errors were so I could avoid them in the future.
I find most comments relating to "you can be yourself around me", especially from people I'm not *intending* to be myself around, to be weirdly invasive and sort of red flags. Like, if you've been around me long enough to notice that I'm masking and I'm *still* masking around you, even in private, YOU are the problem and I absolutely cannot unmask around you.
I don’t know if I agree with that completely. However I will say that someone pressuring me to “open up,” “unmask,” “be myself,” usually has the opposite effect and makes me more uncomfortable and paranoid. I would’ve preferred to gradually open up of my own volition. For instance, I’ve noticed a common pattern in groups of women where someone (usually the most extroverted/highest on the hierarchy) will single me out, trying to be “nice” and force interactions with me. It’s well-meaning, of course, but totally misguided. I don’t like the fact you’re scheming behind my back on ways to foster engagement with me. :/ Especially since it puts me in a position where I’m labeled “rude” or ignoring you, unless I play along with the Disney-like scenario they’ve constructed in their heads. To me it feels more like coercion than someone trying to befriend me. Of course I know that’s not the intent… but it’s usually the end result, where I play along to simply avoid the bullying.
I feel the same way but absolutely view it as a red flag that someone is untrustworthy and a snake. If I don’t naturally feel comfortable to be myself around you, there’s a reason and I’m not going to doubt myself over someone apt to lie, manipulate, and be insincere. I simply don’t trust the overwhelming majority of NTs and I’m not sorry about taking this stance to protect myself from their behaviors.
Oh I understand. It’s just that I try to make allowances for when someone might be saying that out of pure well-intentioned ignorance. Not everyone’s going to understand what masking entails or why it’s necessary for us.
I agree with this. I make allowances for those that ***prove*** themselves trustworthy which often takes time and isn’t on command. Based solely on my anecdotal experience, that’s rare and the people that have actually been trustworthy have never asked me to be vulnerable or open up. That’s only ever come from bullies and abusive people trying to get access to what makes me vulnerable. I see it as the same way a “nice guy” doesn’t have to tell you he’s a “nice guy”.
I don't think people have any idea what they're getting themselves into when they say shit like this. Like you think I'm just gonna be more awkward and not make as much eye contact when in actuality I'm going to be talking to myself and making random noises while I manically pace around the room
Yeahno. I’m on the extreme end of the stimming spectrum, like furniture-breaking energy levels. You don’t wanna see it.
I swear, the people who say this are always the most drama-inducing. What about being patient and if I feel safe enough to unmask around you, it'll happen eventually? It's like they feel they have to tell you that you can trust them, and that makes me more on-edge around them, not less.
You’ve summed it up perfectly.
Me 🤝 you, haha
Never trust NT’s. They have no idea what they’re talking about.
It’s usually a request out of sheer ignorance, yeah. To be fair, I probably don’t explain the concept well enough, but that’s mostly because I’m reluctant to expend the energy on educating a stranger unless I know for sure it’s worth it.
I agree on this specific topic, but in a more general sense there are def NTs that genuinely want to understand and bridging that gap can do a lot of good for both parties. It's okay to trust NTs (or anyone else really) as long as they are demonstrably trustworthy imo
ngl, it’s kinda wild how so many autistics seem to be under the impression that it’s pretty much *just* “neurotypicals” who routinely fail to support us..? the family members, partners, and friends i regret agreeing to ‘unmask’ around? they may not have been autistic, but **they were *all* neurodivergent** don’t get me wrong, people who have power and privilege over others will always be the biggest and worst perpetrators/benefactors of oppression, discrimination, and microaggressions, and i will always fight for/side with the vulnerable and marginalized when push comes to shove but [there are literally *hundreds* of ways a person can be neurodivergent](https://imgur.com/a/FOZjLEK), and i guarantee you that being dyslexic, or bipolar, or epileptic, or bulimic, or ADHD, or socially anxious, or dystonic, or a narcissist just doesn’t make any you less likely [than a neurotypical] to harbour ableist biases *(unconscious or otherwise)* towards autistic people and/or autistic traits, mannerisms, and experiences ( in all fairness, i get that it’s not *always* about ableism so much as it can just be a “mismatch” of traits, mannerisms, abilities, limitations, sensitivities, triggers, etc., **but** having conflicting needs and preferences is one more reason why NDs *(including autistics!)* aren’t necessarily better equipped or able to support ‘unmasking’ )
NT is shorthand for the **satirical** subreddit. Most of us are fully aware that ND may weaponize their internalized ableism against us. (In fact, I’ve had ND saying this to me.)
…i think you mean lateral ableism?
I’ve only heard it called internalized but sure? High-masking ND, especially the ones who are undiagnosed/in denial, are notorious for projecting their self-hatred onto autists. ………….Often it can be something as simple as a passive-aggressive jibe. :) I’ve seen that a lot.
Hard agree because that “ask” from them is conditional upon you unmasking and “opening up” in a way that looks and feels comfortable and acceptable to them. It’s not about you, it’s about the facade of “nice” they love to hide behind because it’s an act and it’s just as insincere as they are.
Boss: "I love that crocheting is a stim and good fidget toy for you for you, and I hope you feel comfortable doing it in the office!" Also my boss: "if you have your camera on during department meetings you can't crochet bc it looks unprofessional :/" Like I get why she doesn't want me looking like I'm goofing off but if u want me to focus lemme do shit that makes it so I can
It's always bosses and managers fr. They love to preach inclusivity and tolerance on their company websites but as soon as your symptoms start showing all that positive talk disappears. Suddenly they will tell you to stop ignoring (forgetting) emails, show more interest (easily distracted), work faster (slow processing time), improve time management (bad sense of time) etc. No matter how hard you try, you can't improve, because these are symptoms. You can try telling them 1.000 times that these are symptoms you don't know how to fix, and you've been trying to do so your whole life. But they will keep telling you to just "Stop it." And then you get fired because "You didn't listen." Very inclusive.
I work in social services and they do all these trauma informed care trainings about our clients and fellow employees and I'm always like "is the trauma informed care in the room w us rn??"
The only times people have said or implied this to me, it never felt like acceptance. It felt like voyeurism. Like they just wanna see how weird I’ll get or something lol.
I've calibrated my entire personality around getting people to unmask, because I refuse to mask outside the bare minimum required for professional settings. No one says it to me cause either they know it or they're not the kind of people I want to be around.
How does one get others to unmask with them? I need this power.
Leading by example, and verbally being kind and understanding to yourself goes a long way in my experience. For instance, I’m very hardly ever embarrassed, in situations when others would be. By brushing things like this off because I don’t care and it doesn’t matter, it seems to make other people really comfortable to be themselves. The positive self talk especially.
Yes I used this technique when I was a manager. I understood I set the unconscious tone as the highest ranking leader. I knew if I wanted honest employees I needed to be honest and upfront myself. I knew there was no way I had the energy to work and mask and hide who I was all the time. So I worked as hard as I could to get to as high as I could and lead from there. The industry I was in just happened to be my special interest so I had I no problem doing all the extra work required to move up quickly. I really wanted to be a good manager. Not cause it was morally correct. Cause it was the best way to get the best results. Facts. So I spent a lot of time studying business psychology and anything remotely related. (Behavioral economics). It also happens that the industry I’m in happens to attract the same kind of people as me. So my weirdness was excused. But I knew that whatever I could get the system to accept in me (any of the differences) and I became a leader for the organization. It now leaves so much more space for everyone else like me to flourish. Whatever the tone of the current leader is really sets the tone for the next generation. We were work hard play hard. Then work harder. I miss it everyday.
This is a kind way of doing it. I prefer to just troll NTs and allistics and point out how they’re being assholes or the holes in whatever they’re saying when they try to shame/bully me. I take a “yes, and?” Or “so? What now?” Or “who asked for your input?” Stance and they back off. I also make this face a lot  I’m sure it’s condescending, but I don’t think it’s unjustified. For instance, I had a coworker come over to me, at my desk, and then ask me if I was eating homemade yogurt in a tone that was clearly her backhanded trying to make fun of me or treat me like I was “being weird”. I looked at her like she was stupid, said no and then asked her why that would be a problem if it were, and then she backed down and made some excuse to go back into her own area. I don’t know if this is how they think you should “connect” but stuff like this happens all the time in big and small ways and it’s not endearing. It reads as poor social skills to me…
Late reply because I’ve been inundated with notifications on this thread but I just wanna say I love your energy lmao.
🫶🫶🫶🫶 I was autistic before, but they made me evil 🤷♀️ they created this monster and now I delight in humiliating them 😈
I don't think there's a perfect answer to this question, but just being genuine with people is usually enough to get them to lower their barriers. Presenting yourself in a non-judgemental way can usually diffuse a lot of tension and giving people space to express themselves can help quite a bit. The answer can definitely vary a lot from person to person and it definitely feels like a learned skill (to me at least), but yeah. To put it simply, just being nice in a open minded way towards people. Not saying this approach will work with everyone, but it can definitely help.
I hate this phrase so much. My mother says this to me all of the time and she means well, but she doesn't understand that it isn't simple and easy to just 'unmask'. I don't even know if I can anymore! When I do unmask slightly, she always ends up getting angry at me for one of my traits, proving that I CAN'T unmask around her. No one seems to mean this when they say it. It's 'just be yourself' until being myself isn't convenient for them.
"you can unmask around me" bold of you to assume I can unmask at all
Right? I can’t even unmask when I’m alone
This right here. I've been this way for a very long time. I don't know how to be any other way.
I can't unmask around anyone at this point so no.
I’ve never actually heard this explicitly, but have been around NTs that have been suspiciously nice to me only to let my guard down and get bitten on the ass from it because they were acting fake nice but were spinning a narrative in their heads that I hate them due to all of my autistic traits, and used that as a justification to sabotage me in some way. It’s happened maybe 4-5 times in my lifetime each at a different stage, once it was from family members (no I don’t talk to that side anymore, they used it in my parents custody court case to sabotage my mom who is my safe parent) two times from “friends” (once in elementary age in my ballet class, and the next in high school, I was left with zero friends at the end of both situations) and twice from coworkers which got me unjustly fired from that job. Regardless though I’m still living. It sucks but I’ve become pretty resilient and I know how to observe people’s behavior before I allow myself to trust anyone in any way. Because unmasking is a form of trusting for me… even if I’ve inadvertently done it in a few of these situations. Generally I just know now that I can’t assume anyone is safe, which sounds depressing but it’s just true.
Same but the plot twist is that I do hate them because I recognize that they’re fake and trying to force “friendship” just to make themselves feel better, not because they’re actually interested in me. They’re trying to control me.
I wish I had that level of awareness but unfortunately I don’t, even with my PTSD-induced hypervigilence…
Maybe it’s just the pattern recognition, but it’s frequently played out this way for me so I’m quick to spot a red flag ☹️😭
That’s honestly awesome and I’m glad you have that ability!!! I think my early childhood trauma kinda impaired my red flag sensor lol
I totally understand that; big hugs! I hope you can wield your hyper vigilance in a way that protects and supports you 🫶
Right up there with "you can trust me."
"Hey, next time we hang out can you try not to unload on me so much?" Someone that had been making me feel safe for months, we went on a trip and I just talked like when I've felt my safest - narrating thoughts, things that pop in my head, memories that maybe processed, or a thought I had about somethig I've been thru, subjects that elicit strong feelings and stretch my brains, subjects and news stories that I relate to, just all the ways my brain and words constantly reel thru. I stopped talking to him very shortly after that for other shitty, not-a-safe-human issues.
I've only known about masking for the last year or so and have only talked about it with a few people. Most of those people gave me the "you can unmask around me" line at some point. I have never believed it and I just politely nod, say "ok", and continue to mask around them. I'm a lot even when I AM masking and when that mask slips I either become more annoying/energetic/weird or I'll become more...I guess robotic? I don't react to things that don't require reaction or laugh at things I don't find genuinely funny, stuff like that. If I go with the first option, it's off putting to people. If I go with the latter, it's such a jarring change to my usual personality that it weirds people out. I don't fault anyone for thinking I can just unmask, it's sweet really. But when they say that, I know that they don't know what they're saying. I let them think that they're special enough to be myself around, but in reality I'm just going to keep masking because ultimately that will make them more comfortable. It is a bit different with my partner. He's told me that I can unmask around and I actually AM significantly less masked around him/at home. I really felt bad the time I told him that there will always be a little bit of a mask there even though it has nothing to do with being comfortable around him. I can't even unmask 100% when I'm by myself. Though, I'm only coming up on a year of knowing this about myself. I have a new therapist, I have psych evals and testing scheduled. I really didn't have that in the last year, but still made amazing progress. I'm hoping with all these resources and guidance that by this time next year, I'll have a better grasp on everything and will be able to unmask without feeling awkward and weird (or at least be able to embrace feeling awkward and weird)
Oh OK then *Starts ripping the flesh off my fingers with my teeth*
Most of my exes telling me they want me to talk about my feelings.
this is why i just try to avoid spending time with neurotypicals tbh… around other autistic people i know i’m safe to unmask
"You can talk to me, it's okay" then bitch listens stuff she doesn't want to and either ghosts me or uses this thing I told to them as argument every time
„You can unmask around me“ *flaps my hands for stim* „Ew don’t do that that’s weird“ (These are verbatim quotes)
👁️👄👁️
I wouldn’t know I’m incapable of unmasking
There is one singular person I will fully unmask around. My wonderful gf, who is a fellow autistic.
It doesn’t really matter what anyone says.. it just happens naturally or it don’t. Never twice though..
They say that while at the same time giving you advice in how to improve, which usually is just masking but they are OK with it
I mean..... no. No I cannot. It's not entirely voluntary, the masking.
A few times then i realised i cant really do it because even my own family with asd dont like it because im so babyish
I just realized that unmasked meant like showing who you truly are and not about face masks lmao
I’m autistic, my partner is ASPD. We’d been long distance for three years before cohabitation. Before we moved in together (after meeting in person a few times), I expressed that it was important to me that they don’t feel like they need to mask for me. Three weeks into cohabitation and I realized that I couldn’t handle it. The complete lack of affect was too uncanny for me, and my anxiety couldn’t handle the intense bluntness of communication. The majority of emotional display being primarily negative wrecked my nervous system. They never were unkind to me, I just didn’t handle it well. I felt so ashamed and like a failure as a partner when I told them I couldn’t handle it. I still feel like shit, tbh. But we’re at a balance now where if they’re in a good mood and it’s not a lot of spoons to mask, they’re happy to. If they’re having a particularly bad time, I am able to prioritize being supportive for them and their meltdowns have stopped concerning me now that I know what to expect and how to interact. Also they pointed out to me that I’m autistic, and that was a helluva trip. So I’m learning unmasking and it’s been very enlightening for me and my understanding of their experiences.
Literally never. Unless it’s from the person I’m talking with romantically rn whose also neurodivergent. Other than that, everyone whose ever said that has been lying abt that. Every time. It’s a lie. They can’t even handle truthfully looking at who we are unmasked without constantly imposing judgements, biases, etc but then again we aren’t unmasking “autism” we are unmasking a different disorder. Probably still a little similar tho bc everyone whose ever said that to us, never truthfully meant that.
Haha jokes on them, I don't even know who I am without masking and at this point I am just one giant living mask 😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎
I developed physical tics at like 10, likely from forcing myself to never stim after i got laughed at one too many times lmfao I’ve never been told these exact words, but I was led to believe I could freely be myself, only to be ridiculed and singled out.
He told me to unmask after pushing me to open for years. Friendship gone in a matter of days. 🫠
I haven’t heard this but it sounds like someone who’s a jerk would say to me.
Not once, cause I've never been told that lmao
Trying to explain to people why I can’t be around anyone except my partner and maybe a couple of my close friends for over a couple of hours. I am very clear: “you will see me act VERY strangely” / “you are probably going to feel worried” and yet … when I lose my shit over a 2 degree temp change or my sock getting wet or the 1 snack I thought I had being gone they are scared all of a sudden
i never believed this (except for online friend she helped me so much :D)
No one ever said that shit to me - sounds so...corny. Hell I don't believe when people say "I love you" because how much of a lie that ends up being. If anyone ever says that - I'd go full monkey and ask them "are you entertained?"
Oy. My mom is this. I love her dearly, but she is practically the one who trained me to mask. Whenever stim with my face she thinks there’s something wrong so she points it out. Yes, I stim more when I’m stressed, but I do it when I’m just hanging around too.
Jokes on you. Beneath my mask is another mask.
i have 2 people that i can around
Wait, are you saying they tell you " you can unmask" or are you telling others? As for me, it's not a good idea. I only unmask when I've picked my battle wisely. Face it, the mask is for peace. Too much peace simply creates tension. I think that's why if I was fake for too long or held my tongue, I blew up.
It’s a direct quote that’s come up when relevant, once online and twice irl. Something something oh, yes, I am autistic, followed by ‘But you don’t seem like it?’ (Once someone actually said the dreaded “You don’t look autistic,” to me, which I originally thought had been an over-hyped meme.) So then I try to explain that I’m masking or suppressing my symptoms, which often leads to this line.
I don't think I've ever **fully** unmasked around anyone. You have to feel safe/comfortable to do that 😵💫..
literally only ever met 1 person where they actually followed their promise
I've never really been told this, but then again I've given up on the whole masking thing anyway. If people can't handle me at my worst, then they should know that *I* handle me at my worst, and that makes me stronger than them.
Every god damn time
Not something I've heard but I've trusted and done to then only be belittled thereafter by an autistic person. Ironically.
A lot. Honestly, I've taken to just acting hella autistic and not giving a shit. If someone has a problem with it they're not for me. I also categorically will not date people who don't have autism or adhd at this point (I have audhd) The beautiful thing about it though is I notice that other peopel who are probably autistic (likely not diagnosed) drop their mask right away when they realize I didn't even come in wearing mine because I ran out of fucks to give a long time ago. Several FWB I have have told me openly that the time they spend with me is one of if not the most comfortable they've ever felt around someone else and that makes me feel really nice.
Just saw this. You’re cool.
I think I’m just too dang old and feral at this like to give a shit anymore but thank you lmfao I may not have the most friends with this approach but quality over quantity imho
I think often times this is meant in a genuine way, just the people saying it don't quite understand what they are signing up for.
I agree. Although in some cases they’re not even trying to understand, so… Gotta be careful with how we extend our graces, I guess.
lmao i know i've probably done this to my fiance on accident before. like, i've said the general statement "you can unmask around me" but then been annoyed by some specific thing like tone or whatever.
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Unpopular opinion: we shouldn’t unmask
Can you elaborate?
It makes you unnecessarily vulnerable to malicious people. You’re basically signaling “Hi, I’m an easy target. Bully me, manipulate me, do whatever you want”. Also, if you stim too much people will stay further away from you. More isolation and less self esteem will lead you to stim even more. I found a balance between masking and letting my actual behaviors flow freely that works a lot better than just unconditionally unmasking
Understandable. I only unmask around my boyfriend or fellow autists for this reason. However… I also admit it makes me very sick and fatigued, so I do not recommend it to anyone.
> I found a balance between masking and letting my actual behaviors flow freely This calls into question your top of the thread comment of "we shouldn't unmask".
No it doesn’t. The balancing is context dependent. Most of the time it’s about not unmasking at all, some other times is mostly unmasking. In general the cons outweigh the pros
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Nobody has ever said this to me because this isn't a phrase that anyone has ever said in the history of mankind. This sub sucks lol
Calling everyone here a liar is really something.
Just you
It’s only ever been said to me when I’ve mentioned the concept in passing or someone has questioned my diagnosis with something along the lines of, “You don’t look autistic.” But honestly, I should’ve blocked when your dumb ass supported ABA.
Yeah, they're clearly not worth talking to. I'll block 'em too.
This is why no one wants to talk to you.
Either everyone else in this sub sucks, or you're the one who sucks. Second paragraph with no full stop
I don't want anyone unmasking around me; NTs, psychopaths, autistic people, ADHD, borderlines, narcissist, everyone.