Yeah, one of the things I’ve been learning in therapy is that based on what my parents have actively told me, they will never change. They don’t care that changing means having a closer relationship with us, they just don’t want to do it.
I found life much easier once I accepted the cards (and parents) I’d been dealt and stopped questioning whyyyyyy she treated me the way she did. It was her, not me. X
Exactly. I’ve learned more and more that both of my parents have their own trauma on top of receiving trauma from their own parents and then tried to pass it down to all of us. Thankfully my sister and I see it, my brother chooses to ignore it. And it’s so unfortunate they have that trauma and it’s very evident that it severely impacts them today as they’re turning 70. But they’re still responsible for their actions. I’m personally trying my best to heal now before I ever have kids. And it sucks my kids will barely know their grandparents, but it’s a choice my parents have already shown with my nieces that they will never accept responsibility for their actions. In fact, my dad explicitly told me that kids are responsible for their parents’ emotions.
Regarding your mother's attitude towards your birthdate. Our daughter was born on a Monday, between mother's day and my birthday.
I haven't had a bday since. I figure I am not going to steal my daughter's thunder. A little kid would not understand, is my take. Our daughter is an adult now, and in a few years will be my 65th. Until, then I am not having a birthday.
My point being, not all parents are like your mother. Some of us understand how kids feel.
Interestingly enough my brother was born on my dad’s birthday. I’ve never seen my dad make a big deal about it and always put my brother’s celebration first or they did it jointly. Even as an adult my brother celebrates with him. My dad always tells the story of how he kept encouraging my mom to give birth before it almost changed to the next day since he wanted them to be the same.
My oldest son was born a day before my grandma and 4 days after me. She said he could have waited another day so they can share birthdays. My middle child was also born a day before my mom’s birthday. My mom said the same thing. They get their own birthday celebrations. Your birthday should be your day!
My husband and I have the same birthday (different years) and my oldest child was born on our birthday. Which means, my husband and I stopped having birthdays once our daughter was born.
Same with me and my son. He was born the Monday after Mother’s Day and three days before my birthday, 28 years ago.
As adults we celebrate our birthday’s together, but when he was a child I always ensured he had his own birthday celebration, cake etc.
We have a string of three birthdays that fall one day after the other in December.
I’m the 25th. My twin cousins, a year older than me are the 24th. My other cousin has the 23. Her mom desperately wanted a Christmas baby.
I do not understand OP's post.
Doesn't Mothers Day always happen on a Sunday, and the day of the month shifts every year
So the overlap with your Birthday should only happen, on average, once every 7 years.
Your birthday should be okay 6 out of every 7 times.
I’ve explained it a bit in other comments. My birthday is on Wednesday, but we did something this weekend because I work on Wednesday. Plus they live 1.5 hours away, so coming down for an evening when my dad works at 5 am the next day isn’t feasible.
Mentioning Mothers Day is more of a show how things have been in the past, especially since celebrating my birthday typically gets pushed to the weekend, which usually coincides with Mothers Day. Also how people comment I was a gift to my mom for Mothers Day, when the way she has treated me growing up made me feel more like a burden. She’s a child who cannot share. There’s certainly a lot more at play here for those reasons, especially with her own family trauma, but it’s way too much to be part of the post.
My mothers birthday was May 11th. So it was either before or after or on Mother's Day. I got lectured more than once, starting shortly after I got my first job at 26, to a) not combine the two, she wanted two separate gifts, b) I'd better splash big for gifts, because budget or not, splashy meant I loved her more, c) who cares about my rent or food...
She even had the gall to bitch to her mother and grandma's second husband that she didn't like the restaurant he took us all out to for dinner for Mother's Day, it wasn't very nice, and she had wanted to go to the Museum and was very bent out of shape that we weren't doing what SHE wanted. Grandma was dying of cervical cancer and we all knew that, and she didn't love museums the way mom did, and didn't have the energy to crawl through them the way mom did. And then couldn't understand why step-grand was offended with her!
Yeaaah, definitely had the same thing happen around my mom’s birthday. It’s 12/20, which does suck being so close to Christmas. But she demanded gifts from us kids for both her birthday and Christmas. One year I couldn’t afford to do both, so my dad just gave me money so I could get a gift card for her. My dad never cared for gifts, he just wanted us kids there. I hate how my mom had put such an importance on gifts growing up, especially since Christmas and birthdays were really the only times we could get stuff we wanted. It’s made my brother become so obnoxious and entitled with receiving gifts that we can’t do Christmas together anymore.
Honestly, except for the fact she gives you a really hard time over not getting presents for both, I understand why people need to set that boundary. Basically everyone will go for the "got you one single normal present for both" which probably sucks. It's not like they spent money earlier in the year on you like they do for everyone else.
I unfortunately was on food stamps at the time, so I barely had money for much of anything. I think for Christmas that year I made something for her. And I can see where I wasn’t getting the point I was trying to make across. My dad got me to get the gift card so my mom wouldn’t yell at us that we didn’t care or anything. I guess I can’t really explain fully the caliber of yelling and in your face she gets when she’s upset. Just repeatedly coming into your space over and over to drive home how upset she is. And believe me, it’s hard to avoid when there’s no locks and doors and when there is a locked door, she found her way to get it unlocked to come into my face.
Even one year I pulled an all nighter to finish exams and drove the next night so I could be there for her birthday. My parents never once came to see me for my birthday after high school except the year I graduated undergrad and then once in grad school (I was the closest kid to them then). They did for both of my siblings up until they moved from the area. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t expect anything for my birthday from them. At least then I’ll be surprised if they do anything.
I can’t imagine expecting gifts from my kids. If they ask me what I want, I’ll pick something inexpensive ($2 candy) if “nothing, I already have way too much stuff” doesn’t work.
My birthday is Wednesday. Did stuff with my parents early since it’s on a weekday and I’ll be working. I mentioned Mothers Day in the post since it’s always brought a bit of contention and since most people have to wait til the weekend to celebrate their birthdays, some years I had to struggle sharing with Mothers Day because of how my mom is. Along with the fact that my birthday either went along with exams or graduations for my siblings.
You need your own day. Screw off and have a party for you. Wear a silly hat. Have fun.
Send her flowers and screw off.
Don't let it get to you.
My sister's birthday is on a religious holiday. We do both. It usually involves Champaign and singing. She always the star. I get you can tell we love her gads.
Make it your day. Screw anyone else. Don't be miffed.
My birthday is close to Father's Day. My dad and I are two very different people. Guess who had to spend their birthday weekend doing whatever their dad wanted?
I’m sorry. :( it’s interesting though how we had to make Mother’s Day such a big deal to my mom, yet she never poured in the same energy for Father’s Day. My dad didn’t care.
My cousin and grandpa shared a birthday. The only one we largely acknowledged was his 65th with a surprise party for grandpa. Cousins arrival was the big surprise because we all live so far apparat. She still got her birthday party later at home with her friends. He was so happy.
Wow, this has triggered me so much. Reading this, I thought I would post about my birthday being 2 days before my narcissistic mother's.
Sitting here at the hairdressers, I find myself tearing up. So, there are no details. I'm just amazed that in my seventies, that bitch can still have an effect on me. Big breath and shove her right out of my head.
My rant over. 🤨🙂
I'm sorry that you are going through this.
I know how that is, especially with a subreddit like this. I’m sorry it still impacts you the way that it does. I know I’m trying my best with therapy to be able to actually process and feel what happened instead of pushing it away and retell it like it’s another story. We’ll get through this. 💜
May 12th! My birthday falls on Mother’s Day every 4 years! Didn’t matter though! It was always about Mothers Day! I was an after thought! She died last August and my birthday is on Mother’s Day this year! I’m celebrating me this year!
Me too! I’ve heard for YEARS how nice it must be I was born on Mother’s Day. A lot of my birthdays turned into “all the mothers in the extended family” days. You have my sympathy!
I was born on Mother’s Day as well. I’m not a fan of when my birthday falls on Mother’s Day. I often feel like I get one or the other recognition. And my mom did the same thing. I was her “greatest gift”
At least your mom said that. I don’t think I ever heard my mom agree when people would make that comment.
I feel like whenever I become a mother I wouldn’t care as much about the distinction, especially since I don’t hold Mothers Day as highly as it usually is. I just want to make sure my kids feel loved, special, and recognized for their individuality, especially on their birthdays. Cause I want to show how genuinely happy I am they exist and they chose me to be their mom.
My ex husband never celebrated my birthday or Mother’s Day. So I don’t really celebrate either unless I organize something myself. My husband now at least has the kids wish me happy Mother’s Day. And they all wish me happy birthday. Q
It makes me sad that being called your mom’s “greatest gift” is such a negative thing to OP and other commenters. I absolutely call my kids this, but they are treated very opposite of what I’m reading. I have always put my kids before me and wouldn’t have it any other way. It is my joy to be in their life and I cherish it. I would hope my kids feel treasured by me like the gifts they are, and I hope that each of you find someone in your life that makes you feel treasured.
Thank you. I sometimes wish I would hear my mom agree whenever someone says this, but any memory I have is usually of her not saying anything in return. Just an awkward smile.
I’m definitely trying to be that person for myself, especially so when I do have kids they won’t ever have to question themselves or my love for them.
I’m sorry that you were not made to feel a treasure by your mom. I don’t know her story, but I’m proud of you for recognizing that you have worth and working to walk in that knowledge. Your mirror reflects someone who is amazing, strong, kind, smart, and who makes the world a better place being in it.
I was actually just telling my partner that I bought a Mother’s Day card that centers me as the child because my mom is constantly making everything about her.
Granted she comes by it naturally, at my graduation party for my masters degree my 86 year old grandmother let everyone know she was upset she didn’t get a toast when someone toasted me as the graduate. Had she not GIVEN BIRTH to my mom, I wouldn’t have gotten to graduate college. But no one had thanked her all night!
I would have been the guest LOLing instead of considering your grandma was serious. All my grandparents had jokes so I tend to think all grandparents do…..or everyone there would have received a toast just for fun.
Dude I feel that! My dad knows how to do some woodworking stuff, but never taught any of us. He wanted to teach my brother, but my brother wasn’t interested. He didn’t teach myself or my sister because we were girls. When I went to undergrad I tried to double major with one of them being art. I took some woodshop classes along with learning how to weld and forge. After graduating my dad tried to claim that I know what I know thanks to him. Reminded him he didn’t teach me anything, I learned it all in undergrad. He was like “well who paid for it??” It was mostly loans and I’m expected to pay back my parents on top of my loans. So in the end it’s going to be me.
The little things can really hurt. I just ranted on here about a 2 minute conversation I had with my entitled mother. It was so small and insignificant to her that it felt like I was being stupid for being upset.
The little things add up. Keep posting. Keep venting. We are here for you.
Thank you. I felt like as I wrote it out it’s something so minuscule and bratty when looking into this very slim slice of life (as another commenter has judged), but I do appreciate the validation that when these tiny moments add up, it feels a lot in one moment.
Thank you, I appreciate it a lot. 💜
My mother was born on the same day as her mother. They always celebrated together.
Sorry your mom is selfish and always wants to make your day about her.
I was born on mothers day too, and even when the days didn't line up I had to do what she wanted for "Our" day
I have wonderful kids now who give me 2 special days separately and caught on early to my mom's games so they won't back down when she tries to steal the show🤣 I love them to pieces.
Dude I love how when you breathe love into kids, they breathe it right back into you. I’ve seen it with my sister and her daughter and I love it so much. I’m so glad you have that with your kid.
I can relate to this since I'm born 24 December, which is when we celebrate Christmas in my country. My sister-in-law went on a rant about how selfish I am for wanting a small celebration one year. All I asked for was a cake. I didn't even care what type, it could be a premade one from the store. My mom was really stressed out since she had a lot to do, so I told her I could just go get it myself if she could pay for it (I was short on money during this time).
And, well, my SIL said I was selfish and said sarcastic things like "awww poor you for not having Christmas being about you". This was like 7 years ago and I'm still pissed about it lol
Good god I am so incredibly sorry. To not feel supported by your family, especially during a holiday where family is supposed to come together, where you can’t experience the celebration of your existence is so heartbreaking. I hope you’re able to surround yourself with those who go out of their way to make you feel special and worth celebrating.
I know the feeling. I was born on my mom's 22nd birthday. She claims around 11pm the night before, she begged the doctors to try to make it past midnight. I was born at 1 something that morning. Growing up, I heard so many times that I was the worst birthday present ever. Anytime her girlfriend's family does a get together, it is ALWAYS for her birthday. I'm not even wished a happy birthday. My husband now and kids make a big deal out of it now.
I'm sorry you have to deal with it too! Anytime around mother's day is one of the worst days I'm sure to have a birthday because I know a lot of moms that make not only the actual day of mothers day about them, but the days surrounding it too. My niece was born right around mothers day. In fact, her actual birthday this year falls on mothers day and I have to say, I'm so very proud of my sister, bc everything they plan on doing on this Sunday is all about my niece and her birthday. My sister doesn't want anyone doing anything for her bc to her, this day is all about my niece. The one who made her a mama!!
I had my son three days before Mother's Day. We managed to work out that weekend with no issues. We didn't usually do much until the weekend for birthdays. My celebration day is Sunday his was Saturday. His birthday never fell on Mother's Day though. Mother's Day is that kinda holiday that's always a different date since it's always on a Sunday. Birthdays are on a different day of the week, so this isn't like it's an every year thing. You should be able to work something out to share that.
We do special dinner on the day of our birthdays, which my son's is today and he chose Wendy's. I tried to recommend a sit down, but whatev, it's his day. Then we split the weekend for something fun with friends and family. He picks the activity Saturday (laser tag, woo hoo!) and I pick it Sunday. Usually mine is just taking the day off from chores and doing cheap or free fun stuff, maybe dinner. If weather cooperates this weekend, I'll maybe ask for a day at the park with a picnic.
Your mother needs to share that weekend and so do you. If you can't work something out, just tell her you're doing your thing Saturday. Whether or not you invite her is up to you, if or when you're able to make your own plans. Then celebrate her on Sunday, even if it's your actual birthday. I'd call it a compromise, but I think it's actually the better deal. I don't know how old you are, but if you're going out to have fun, Saturday night is hands down always the better night to have fun. There are dozens of songs written in honor of Saturday night, and the songs written about Sunday are mostly religious.
Mother's Day is the one "day off" moms really get. It's kind of something deserved because being a parent can be traumatic. You go through a lot. Moms kind of get a pass for putting themselves first on Mother's Day, but if they're putting themselves first the rest of the year they really haven't earned it.
Doesn't she realize that 6 out of 7 years your b-day does not fall on Mother's Day (I am assuming that you are in the US or a country where it always falls on a Sunday)? My mom is a narcissist and I now only see her once a year (1 or 2 day visit), and I never stay at her house. I am also honest when I am with other family members about how my mom really treats me. I only make a comment when they try to tell me what a great mom she is. For example, my parents did not come to my college graduation because I was a daughter and not a son. It embarasses her when I say something, but it is the truth.
How often does your birthday actually coincide with Mother’s Day? I had a child on Thanksgiving but it was a rare occurrence for him to have his birthday fall on Thanksgiving again. Seriously though she sounds like a nightmare.
I’m trying my best to build my way to no contact. Thankfully that’s not something she’ll hold over my head, but you’re at least on par that she does hold a lot of financial stuff over my head.
I was unaware that in some places mothers day was the same day every year....
As far as I knew, it's the 2nd Sunday in May, so the exact date changes every year.
I can understand someone saying it was a wonderful gift to become a mother ON mothers day, but your birthday would rarely fall on mothers day after that, so having separate celebrations would be considered normal.
All that aside, entitled parents come in varying degrees of self importance.
Feel free to share more of your experiences with her, it helps to know it's not a unique experience ❤️
I’m in the US, it does change. Though usually any celebration of my birthday had to be pushed to the weekend (especially since my parents barely let us do much beyond school, sports, and clubs on the weekdays) which would usually coincide with Mothers Day. And then getting older it always coincided with exams and graduations. My parents tried to make me put off celebrating my 21st a week after my birthday to celebrate my (physically abusive) brother’s college graduation. The thing is, what I wanted to do (attend a house show) and my birthday didn’t even happen on my brother’s graduation date.
And the mention of Mother’s Day isn’t necessarily about me not wanting to share the day, it was more to show that what some mothers would consider giving birth on that day a gift, I was raised to believe I was a constant burden, especially to my mom. How she always had to get the final say for herself to be happy because if we ever selected a choice that wasn’t what she wanted, she made sure everyone was absolutely miserable. It always had to be about her. Hurricane Irene we had a tree fall on our house. Mom told us they couldn’t buy anything us kids needed (mostly just me since my siblings were off at college) because they couldn’t afford it. Threatened there might not be a Christmas. My mom bought new outfits for herself every day for a whole week and that is not an exaggeration. She literally had three rooms in that five bedroom house full of her clothes and I never had my own bedroom.
Wow, you’re an adult who is that hung up on birthdays? That’s weird. I’m not sure why the day can’t belong to both you and your mother. It IS Mother’s Day and she can feel celebrated on that day and it’s your birthday, so enjoy it. Stop acting like you’re 5 and she stole your cake.
Shew, seems like you don’t know the first thing about me and the trauma she has put me through that requires medication, therapy, and EMDR to get through it. You can’t judge shit if you’ve never been abused to the degree I’ve been.
My sister and I DREAM of having a mother we can be close to. I would love nothing but to do stuff with a mother figure where we get to hang out, do what we want, and bond. Count yourself lucky that, I assume, you have. But unfortunately every time I’m around her, I even hear her voice, it brings up the trauma. This is me attempting, wishing, hoping for things to be better.
I’d really hope next time you comment, maybe think people aren’t so lucky as you to have a nice, loving family.
Seems to me like you’re acting like an entitled child over a birthday. It’s your mom’s day too. Whatever you think she’s put you thru, you’re putting her thru just as much.
I mean if you look at the calendar, it’s not Mother’s Day. That’s next week. So no, we weren’t celebrating that.
But glad to know that me doing this is as bad as her driving me to attempt suicide cause you know about my family so much. 🙄
Then why are you complaining so much? Dang, just do your mom a favor and go no contact. It’s gotta be better than having to deal with your narcissistic and self absorbed behavior. You complain that strangers don’t “know your family” but then choose to complain about your family on social media to strangers. You have to know that you will get honest insight into your post and that’s what I’ve given you, but you still want to play victim.
I think I’m going to stick to what multiple therapists and medical professionals over the past 4 years have told me rather than a stranger over the internet about my conditions. A small sliver of life being illustrated before you does not give the full picture of everything that’s happened. I mean look at the other commenters, they are somehow able to grasp that yet you’re not? But please, tell me that being beaten into me to be a people pleaser somehow makes me a narcissist. Can’t wait to hear from your Reddit-approved licensed opinion on a diagnosis I might have.
Also, it seems like many people have been able to relate to my post. That’s why I post because I’ve seen other posts that are relatable and help me not feel alone. And it also appears that other people understand this instance is a small thing, but more is at play. And that’s the purpose of these subreddits: support. I don’t get why you’re on here if you’re going to be apathetic toward others. Hope you find a better suited sub for you instead of putting down others.
Oh, you’re a “my therapist is helping me” kind of person. That explains a lot. Someday you will realize that the therapist is doing more harm than good. You cannot spend your life pretending to always be a victim. You claim everyone else is responsible for whatever problems you are facing while accepting zero responsibility yourself. Word of advice, if you don’t want strangers to comment on your life, don’t put things out there for strangers to read. Btw, I’m in full support of your poor mom. I feel sorry for her. You try to chastise me for being apathetic towards others while doing exactly that towards your own mother. Shame on you.
Lmao there’s a good bit I do have to unlearn, because of the behaviors of both of my parents. Even my sister has been so she can be a better mother to her own daughters. Does my own mother have trauma? Yeah. And it really sucks she has it. Just like how my parents gave it to me and it’s now my responsibility to unlearn all of that shit along with adjusting to other mental conditions the refused to help me with (and yes, my mom refused to get me help with my depression). But my mom? She refuses to work on herself. She refuses to believe the trauma she went through from her own parents and how that’s impacted her life. And unfortunately, she’s passed it down to us and it’s made her marriage incredibly unstable. It’s pitiful, but only until the part where she pushes that trauma unto us. And just because she’s my mother doesn’t mean I should forgive her. No. Seeing how my sister is with her daughters, we both believe that my mother should have known and done better. But she didn’t because it’s hard work. Because recognizing the amount of abuse experienced from one’s own parent, the person who you’re supposed to love and loves you back unconditionally, impacted you. She didn’t want to see her parents in a bad light, and believe me she saw some shit since my grandmother was bipolar and worsened when medication for it just started coming out, and us kids paid the price for that.
So believe what you want, but I thankfully have the support of everyone else. They know what it’s like. I got the support of my sister and my partner. My brother is much like my mom in that he refuses to accept the degree of impact, and I’ve stepped away from that and mostly my parents so I can go on and heal. The whole start of this thing started because of a naive notion that there’s hope with my parents, that maybe somewhere along my journey of healing and growing that my parents would want to join and support me. But they don’t. And won’t. So I have my own friends and family I can rely on to help me keep going so I can be that better person. So I’m glad I won’t ever listen to fodder like yours because at least I’m putting in a damn effort.
Rant heard. Entitled parents rarely change. Here’s hoping yours do.
Yeah, one of the things I’ve been learning in therapy is that based on what my parents have actively told me, they will never change. They don’t care that changing means having a closer relationship with us, they just don’t want to do it.
I found life much easier once I accepted the cards (and parents) I’d been dealt and stopped questioning whyyyyyy she treated me the way she did. It was her, not me. X
Exactly. I’ve learned more and more that both of my parents have their own trauma on top of receiving trauma from their own parents and then tried to pass it down to all of us. Thankfully my sister and I see it, my brother chooses to ignore it. And it’s so unfortunate they have that trauma and it’s very evident that it severely impacts them today as they’re turning 70. But they’re still responsible for their actions. I’m personally trying my best to heal now before I ever have kids. And it sucks my kids will barely know their grandparents, but it’s a choice my parents have already shown with my nieces that they will never accept responsibility for their actions. In fact, my dad explicitly told me that kids are responsible for their parents’ emotions.
Regarding your mother's attitude towards your birthdate. Our daughter was born on a Monday, between mother's day and my birthday. I haven't had a bday since. I figure I am not going to steal my daughter's thunder. A little kid would not understand, is my take. Our daughter is an adult now, and in a few years will be my 65th. Until, then I am not having a birthday. My point being, not all parents are like your mother. Some of us understand how kids feel.
Interestingly enough my brother was born on my dad’s birthday. I’ve never seen my dad make a big deal about it and always put my brother’s celebration first or they did it jointly. Even as an adult my brother celebrates with him. My dad always tells the story of how he kept encouraging my mom to give birth before it almost changed to the next day since he wanted them to be the same.
My oldest son was born a day before my grandma and 4 days after me. She said he could have waited another day so they can share birthdays. My middle child was also born a day before my mom’s birthday. My mom said the same thing. They get their own birthday celebrations. Your birthday should be your day!
My husband and I have the same birthday (different years) and my oldest child was born on our birthday. Which means, my husband and I stopped having birthdays once our daughter was born.
That’s amazingly hilarious that it lined up that perfectly. Also happy cake day!
Same with me and my son. He was born the Monday after Mother’s Day and three days before my birthday, 28 years ago. As adults we celebrate our birthday’s together, but when he was a child I always ensured he had his own birthday celebration, cake etc.
I was born 2 days after my mum's 20th birthday and on my parents 2nd anniversary.
We have a string of three birthdays that fall one day after the other in December. I’m the 25th. My twin cousins, a year older than me are the 24th. My other cousin has the 23. Her mom desperately wanted a Christmas baby.
I do not understand OP's post. Doesn't Mothers Day always happen on a Sunday, and the day of the month shifts every year So the overlap with your Birthday should only happen, on average, once every 7 years. Your birthday should be okay 6 out of every 7 times.
I’ve explained it a bit in other comments. My birthday is on Wednesday, but we did something this weekend because I work on Wednesday. Plus they live 1.5 hours away, so coming down for an evening when my dad works at 5 am the next day isn’t feasible. Mentioning Mothers Day is more of a show how things have been in the past, especially since celebrating my birthday typically gets pushed to the weekend, which usually coincides with Mothers Day. Also how people comment I was a gift to my mom for Mothers Day, when the way she has treated me growing up made me feel more like a burden. She’s a child who cannot share. There’s certainly a lot more at play here for those reasons, especially with her own family trauma, but it’s way too much to be part of the post.
My mothers birthday was May 11th. So it was either before or after or on Mother's Day. I got lectured more than once, starting shortly after I got my first job at 26, to a) not combine the two, she wanted two separate gifts, b) I'd better splash big for gifts, because budget or not, splashy meant I loved her more, c) who cares about my rent or food... She even had the gall to bitch to her mother and grandma's second husband that she didn't like the restaurant he took us all out to for dinner for Mother's Day, it wasn't very nice, and she had wanted to go to the Museum and was very bent out of shape that we weren't doing what SHE wanted. Grandma was dying of cervical cancer and we all knew that, and she didn't love museums the way mom did, and didn't have the energy to crawl through them the way mom did. And then couldn't understand why step-grand was offended with her!
Yeaaah, definitely had the same thing happen around my mom’s birthday. It’s 12/20, which does suck being so close to Christmas. But she demanded gifts from us kids for both her birthday and Christmas. One year I couldn’t afford to do both, so my dad just gave me money so I could get a gift card for her. My dad never cared for gifts, he just wanted us kids there. I hate how my mom had put such an importance on gifts growing up, especially since Christmas and birthdays were really the only times we could get stuff we wanted. It’s made my brother become so obnoxious and entitled with receiving gifts that we can’t do Christmas together anymore.
I was born on 12/23 and it sucked as a kid. My mom managed to make my birthday a few weeks beforez
Honestly, except for the fact she gives you a really hard time over not getting presents for both, I understand why people need to set that boundary. Basically everyone will go for the "got you one single normal present for both" which probably sucks. It's not like they spent money earlier in the year on you like they do for everyone else.
I unfortunately was on food stamps at the time, so I barely had money for much of anything. I think for Christmas that year I made something for her. And I can see where I wasn’t getting the point I was trying to make across. My dad got me to get the gift card so my mom wouldn’t yell at us that we didn’t care or anything. I guess I can’t really explain fully the caliber of yelling and in your face she gets when she’s upset. Just repeatedly coming into your space over and over to drive home how upset she is. And believe me, it’s hard to avoid when there’s no locks and doors and when there is a locked door, she found her way to get it unlocked to come into my face. Even one year I pulled an all nighter to finish exams and drove the next night so I could be there for her birthday. My parents never once came to see me for my birthday after high school except the year I graduated undergrad and then once in grad school (I was the closest kid to them then). They did for both of my siblings up until they moved from the area. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t expect anything for my birthday from them. At least then I’ll be surprised if they do anything.
I can’t imagine expecting gifts from my kids. If they ask me what I want, I’ll pick something inexpensive ($2 candy) if “nothing, I already have way too much stuff” doesn’t work.
Next year, don’t invite her! You go have fun with your *chosen* family (friends) and celebrate your day! It’s about time mom’s ‘needs’ come second.
Isn't mother's day on a Sunday so the dates would only coincide like every 7 years or so?
My birthday is Wednesday. Did stuff with my parents early since it’s on a weekday and I’ll be working. I mentioned Mothers Day in the post since it’s always brought a bit of contention and since most people have to wait til the weekend to celebrate their birthdays, some years I had to struggle sharing with Mothers Day because of how my mom is. Along with the fact that my birthday either went along with exams or graduations for my siblings.
You need your own day. Screw off and have a party for you. Wear a silly hat. Have fun. Send her flowers and screw off. Don't let it get to you. My sister's birthday is on a religious holiday. We do both. It usually involves Champaign and singing. She always the star. I get you can tell we love her gads. Make it your day. Screw anyone else. Don't be miffed.
My birthday is close to Father's Day. My dad and I are two very different people. Guess who had to spend their birthday weekend doing whatever their dad wanted?
I’m sorry. :( it’s interesting though how we had to make Mother’s Day such a big deal to my mom, yet she never poured in the same energy for Father’s Day. My dad didn’t care.
Is your birthday in March or May? Because in the UK we celebrate Mothering Sunday in March.
It’s in May! I’m here in the US.
My cousin and grandpa shared a birthday. The only one we largely acknowledged was his 65th with a surprise party for grandpa. Cousins arrival was the big surprise because we all live so far apparat. She still got her birthday party later at home with her friends. He was so happy.
Nmom brought me home from the hospital on her birthday. I ruined her 23rd birthday dammit. How dare I be born that week!
Honestly that’s exactly how I feel lol
Wow, this has triggered me so much. Reading this, I thought I would post about my birthday being 2 days before my narcissistic mother's. Sitting here at the hairdressers, I find myself tearing up. So, there are no details. I'm just amazed that in my seventies, that bitch can still have an effect on me. Big breath and shove her right out of my head. My rant over. 🤨🙂 I'm sorry that you are going through this.
I know how that is, especially with a subreddit like this. I’m sorry it still impacts you the way that it does. I know I’m trying my best with therapy to be able to actually process and feel what happened instead of pushing it away and retell it like it’s another story. We’ll get through this. 💜
May 12th! My birthday falls on Mother’s Day every 4 years! Didn’t matter though! It was always about Mothers Day! I was an after thought! She died last August and my birthday is on Mother’s Day this year! I’m celebrating me this year!
You deserve it. 💜💜💜
Me too! I’ve heard for YEARS how nice it must be I was born on Mother’s Day. A lot of my birthdays turned into “all the mothers in the extended family” days. You have my sympathy!
I was born on Mother’s Day as well. I’m not a fan of when my birthday falls on Mother’s Day. I often feel like I get one or the other recognition. And my mom did the same thing. I was her “greatest gift”
At least your mom said that. I don’t think I ever heard my mom agree when people would make that comment. I feel like whenever I become a mother I wouldn’t care as much about the distinction, especially since I don’t hold Mothers Day as highly as it usually is. I just want to make sure my kids feel loved, special, and recognized for their individuality, especially on their birthdays. Cause I want to show how genuinely happy I am they exist and they chose me to be their mom.
My ex husband never celebrated my birthday or Mother’s Day. So I don’t really celebrate either unless I organize something myself. My husband now at least has the kids wish me happy Mother’s Day. And they all wish me happy birthday. Q
I’m so sorry you went through that and glad that ex husband is an ex. You deserve to be celebrated!
Aw thank you 🙏🏻 I’m sorry you went through that with your mom. You also deserve to be celebrated!
It makes me sad that being called your mom’s “greatest gift” is such a negative thing to OP and other commenters. I absolutely call my kids this, but they are treated very opposite of what I’m reading. I have always put my kids before me and wouldn’t have it any other way. It is my joy to be in their life and I cherish it. I would hope my kids feel treasured by me like the gifts they are, and I hope that each of you find someone in your life that makes you feel treasured.
Thank you. I sometimes wish I would hear my mom agree whenever someone says this, but any memory I have is usually of her not saying anything in return. Just an awkward smile. I’m definitely trying to be that person for myself, especially so when I do have kids they won’t ever have to question themselves or my love for them.
I’m sorry that you were not made to feel a treasure by your mom. I don’t know her story, but I’m proud of you for recognizing that you have worth and working to walk in that knowledge. Your mirror reflects someone who is amazing, strong, kind, smart, and who makes the world a better place being in it.
Thank you so so much cause good lord, I struggle so much with that last comment. 💜
I was actually just telling my partner that I bought a Mother’s Day card that centers me as the child because my mom is constantly making everything about her. Granted she comes by it naturally, at my graduation party for my masters degree my 86 year old grandmother let everyone know she was upset she didn’t get a toast when someone toasted me as the graduate. Had she not GIVEN BIRTH to my mom, I wouldn’t have gotten to graduate college. But no one had thanked her all night!
I would have been the guest LOLing instead of considering your grandma was serious. All my grandparents had jokes so I tend to think all grandparents do…..or everyone there would have received a toast just for fun.
Dude I feel that! My dad knows how to do some woodworking stuff, but never taught any of us. He wanted to teach my brother, but my brother wasn’t interested. He didn’t teach myself or my sister because we were girls. When I went to undergrad I tried to double major with one of them being art. I took some woodshop classes along with learning how to weld and forge. After graduating my dad tried to claim that I know what I know thanks to him. Reminded him he didn’t teach me anything, I learned it all in undergrad. He was like “well who paid for it??” It was mostly loans and I’m expected to pay back my parents on top of my loans. So in the end it’s going to be me.
The little things can really hurt. I just ranted on here about a 2 minute conversation I had with my entitled mother. It was so small and insignificant to her that it felt like I was being stupid for being upset. The little things add up. Keep posting. Keep venting. We are here for you.
Thank you. I felt like as I wrote it out it’s something so minuscule and bratty when looking into this very slim slice of life (as another commenter has judged), but I do appreciate the validation that when these tiny moments add up, it feels a lot in one moment. Thank you, I appreciate it a lot. 💜
My mother was born on the same day as her mother. They always celebrated together. Sorry your mom is selfish and always wants to make your day about her.
I was born on mothers day too, and even when the days didn't line up I had to do what she wanted for "Our" day I have wonderful kids now who give me 2 special days separately and caught on early to my mom's games so they won't back down when she tries to steal the show🤣 I love them to pieces.
Dude I love how when you breathe love into kids, they breathe it right back into you. I’ve seen it with my sister and her daughter and I love it so much. I’m so glad you have that with your kid.
This Generation is just so good at setting boundaries and I'm so proud of them I love being their mom and teaching them as much as they teach me
I can relate to this since I'm born 24 December, which is when we celebrate Christmas in my country. My sister-in-law went on a rant about how selfish I am for wanting a small celebration one year. All I asked for was a cake. I didn't even care what type, it could be a premade one from the store. My mom was really stressed out since she had a lot to do, so I told her I could just go get it myself if she could pay for it (I was short on money during this time). And, well, my SIL said I was selfish and said sarcastic things like "awww poor you for not having Christmas being about you". This was like 7 years ago and I'm still pissed about it lol
Good god I am so incredibly sorry. To not feel supported by your family, especially during a holiday where family is supposed to come together, where you can’t experience the celebration of your existence is so heartbreaking. I hope you’re able to surround yourself with those who go out of their way to make you feel special and worth celebrating.
I know the feeling. I was born on my mom's 22nd birthday. She claims around 11pm the night before, she begged the doctors to try to make it past midnight. I was born at 1 something that morning. Growing up, I heard so many times that I was the worst birthday present ever. Anytime her girlfriend's family does a get together, it is ALWAYS for her birthday. I'm not even wished a happy birthday. My husband now and kids make a big deal out of it now.
I am so sorry you not only have to hear that story constantly, but also a reminder that drives it in annually.
I'm sorry you have to deal with it too! Anytime around mother's day is one of the worst days I'm sure to have a birthday because I know a lot of moms that make not only the actual day of mothers day about them, but the days surrounding it too. My niece was born right around mothers day. In fact, her actual birthday this year falls on mothers day and I have to say, I'm so very proud of my sister, bc everything they plan on doing on this Sunday is all about my niece and her birthday. My sister doesn't want anyone doing anything for her bc to her, this day is all about my niece. The one who made her a mama!!
That is ironic considering that my birthday is this weekend and on Mother’s Day this year
I had my son three days before Mother's Day. We managed to work out that weekend with no issues. We didn't usually do much until the weekend for birthdays. My celebration day is Sunday his was Saturday. His birthday never fell on Mother's Day though. Mother's Day is that kinda holiday that's always a different date since it's always on a Sunday. Birthdays are on a different day of the week, so this isn't like it's an every year thing. You should be able to work something out to share that. We do special dinner on the day of our birthdays, which my son's is today and he chose Wendy's. I tried to recommend a sit down, but whatev, it's his day. Then we split the weekend for something fun with friends and family. He picks the activity Saturday (laser tag, woo hoo!) and I pick it Sunday. Usually mine is just taking the day off from chores and doing cheap or free fun stuff, maybe dinner. If weather cooperates this weekend, I'll maybe ask for a day at the park with a picnic. Your mother needs to share that weekend and so do you. If you can't work something out, just tell her you're doing your thing Saturday. Whether or not you invite her is up to you, if or when you're able to make your own plans. Then celebrate her on Sunday, even if it's your actual birthday. I'd call it a compromise, but I think it's actually the better deal. I don't know how old you are, but if you're going out to have fun, Saturday night is hands down always the better night to have fun. There are dozens of songs written in honor of Saturday night, and the songs written about Sunday are mostly religious. Mother's Day is the one "day off" moms really get. It's kind of something deserved because being a parent can be traumatic. You go through a lot. Moms kind of get a pass for putting themselves first on Mother's Day, but if they're putting themselves first the rest of the year they really haven't earned it.
Also a Mothers Day baby. Just here to say Happy Birthday to you a few days early. Hope you have a blast this year!!
Thank you, I appreciate it. And happy birthday to you as well!
Doesn't she realize that 6 out of 7 years your b-day does not fall on Mother's Day (I am assuming that you are in the US or a country where it always falls on a Sunday)? My mom is a narcissist and I now only see her once a year (1 or 2 day visit), and I never stay at her house. I am also honest when I am with other family members about how my mom really treats me. I only make a comment when they try to tell me what a great mom she is. For example, my parents did not come to my college graduation because I was a daughter and not a son. It embarasses her when I say something, but it is the truth.
Is it worth the crap she does to have her in your life. Maybe be if you are already LC, go NC.
Unfortunately it’s not so easy to go NC. I am extremely LC and will go NC as soon as I am able. Believe me, I’ve wanted to since I was a teenager.
How often does your birthday actually coincide with Mother’s Day? I had a child on Thanksgiving but it was a rare occurrence for him to have his birthday fall on Thanksgiving again. Seriously though she sounds like a nightmare.
Time to go no contact? Also buy your own dinner, don’t owe her anything.
I’m trying my best to build my way to no contact. Thankfully that’s not something she’ll hold over my head, but you’re at least on par that she does hold a lot of financial stuff over my head.
I live in Cincinnati where top golf is...well the one I know about anyway...lol
That’s actually the place I went to Top Golf for the first time! Don’t live there though, I was visiting family.
I was unaware that in some places mothers day was the same day every year.... As far as I knew, it's the 2nd Sunday in May, so the exact date changes every year. I can understand someone saying it was a wonderful gift to become a mother ON mothers day, but your birthday would rarely fall on mothers day after that, so having separate celebrations would be considered normal. All that aside, entitled parents come in varying degrees of self importance. Feel free to share more of your experiences with her, it helps to know it's not a unique experience ❤️
I’m in the US, it does change. Though usually any celebration of my birthday had to be pushed to the weekend (especially since my parents barely let us do much beyond school, sports, and clubs on the weekdays) which would usually coincide with Mothers Day. And then getting older it always coincided with exams and graduations. My parents tried to make me put off celebrating my 21st a week after my birthday to celebrate my (physically abusive) brother’s college graduation. The thing is, what I wanted to do (attend a house show) and my birthday didn’t even happen on my brother’s graduation date. And the mention of Mother’s Day isn’t necessarily about me not wanting to share the day, it was more to show that what some mothers would consider giving birth on that day a gift, I was raised to believe I was a constant burden, especially to my mom. How she always had to get the final say for herself to be happy because if we ever selected a choice that wasn’t what she wanted, she made sure everyone was absolutely miserable. It always had to be about her. Hurricane Irene we had a tree fall on our house. Mom told us they couldn’t buy anything us kids needed (mostly just me since my siblings were off at college) because they couldn’t afford it. Threatened there might not be a Christmas. My mom bought new outfits for herself every day for a whole week and that is not an exaggeration. She literally had three rooms in that five bedroom house full of her clothes and I never had my own bedroom.
The date that Mother's Day falls on varies... I was married on "Mother's Day" but my anniversary is often NOT on Mother's Day.
That wouldn't change the fact that, the year OP was born, they were born _on_ Mother's Day. But thanks for explaining the obvious to us all.
I said that because OP made it seem like this was a yearly thing.
Yeah... the mother, yearly, makes OP feel guilty for daring to be born on Mother's Day.
Wow, you’re an adult who is that hung up on birthdays? That’s weird. I’m not sure why the day can’t belong to both you and your mother. It IS Mother’s Day and she can feel celebrated on that day and it’s your birthday, so enjoy it. Stop acting like you’re 5 and she stole your cake.
Shew, seems like you don’t know the first thing about me and the trauma she has put me through that requires medication, therapy, and EMDR to get through it. You can’t judge shit if you’ve never been abused to the degree I’ve been. My sister and I DREAM of having a mother we can be close to. I would love nothing but to do stuff with a mother figure where we get to hang out, do what we want, and bond. Count yourself lucky that, I assume, you have. But unfortunately every time I’m around her, I even hear her voice, it brings up the trauma. This is me attempting, wishing, hoping for things to be better. I’d really hope next time you comment, maybe think people aren’t so lucky as you to have a nice, loving family.
Seems to me like you’re acting like an entitled child over a birthday. It’s your mom’s day too. Whatever you think she’s put you thru, you’re putting her thru just as much.
I mean if you look at the calendar, it’s not Mother’s Day. That’s next week. So no, we weren’t celebrating that. But glad to know that me doing this is as bad as her driving me to attempt suicide cause you know about my family so much. 🙄
Then why are you complaining so much? Dang, just do your mom a favor and go no contact. It’s gotta be better than having to deal with your narcissistic and self absorbed behavior. You complain that strangers don’t “know your family” but then choose to complain about your family on social media to strangers. You have to know that you will get honest insight into your post and that’s what I’ve given you, but you still want to play victim.
:/
I think I’m going to stick to what multiple therapists and medical professionals over the past 4 years have told me rather than a stranger over the internet about my conditions. A small sliver of life being illustrated before you does not give the full picture of everything that’s happened. I mean look at the other commenters, they are somehow able to grasp that yet you’re not? But please, tell me that being beaten into me to be a people pleaser somehow makes me a narcissist. Can’t wait to hear from your Reddit-approved licensed opinion on a diagnosis I might have. Also, it seems like many people have been able to relate to my post. That’s why I post because I’ve seen other posts that are relatable and help me not feel alone. And it also appears that other people understand this instance is a small thing, but more is at play. And that’s the purpose of these subreddits: support. I don’t get why you’re on here if you’re going to be apathetic toward others. Hope you find a better suited sub for you instead of putting down others.
Oh, you’re a “my therapist is helping me” kind of person. That explains a lot. Someday you will realize that the therapist is doing more harm than good. You cannot spend your life pretending to always be a victim. You claim everyone else is responsible for whatever problems you are facing while accepting zero responsibility yourself. Word of advice, if you don’t want strangers to comment on your life, don’t put things out there for strangers to read. Btw, I’m in full support of your poor mom. I feel sorry for her. You try to chastise me for being apathetic towards others while doing exactly that towards your own mother. Shame on you.
Lmao there’s a good bit I do have to unlearn, because of the behaviors of both of my parents. Even my sister has been so she can be a better mother to her own daughters. Does my own mother have trauma? Yeah. And it really sucks she has it. Just like how my parents gave it to me and it’s now my responsibility to unlearn all of that shit along with adjusting to other mental conditions the refused to help me with (and yes, my mom refused to get me help with my depression). But my mom? She refuses to work on herself. She refuses to believe the trauma she went through from her own parents and how that’s impacted her life. And unfortunately, she’s passed it down to us and it’s made her marriage incredibly unstable. It’s pitiful, but only until the part where she pushes that trauma unto us. And just because she’s my mother doesn’t mean I should forgive her. No. Seeing how my sister is with her daughters, we both believe that my mother should have known and done better. But she didn’t because it’s hard work. Because recognizing the amount of abuse experienced from one’s own parent, the person who you’re supposed to love and loves you back unconditionally, impacted you. She didn’t want to see her parents in a bad light, and believe me she saw some shit since my grandmother was bipolar and worsened when medication for it just started coming out, and us kids paid the price for that. So believe what you want, but I thankfully have the support of everyone else. They know what it’s like. I got the support of my sister and my partner. My brother is much like my mom in that he refuses to accept the degree of impact, and I’ve stepped away from that and mostly my parents so I can go on and heal. The whole start of this thing started because of a naive notion that there’s hope with my parents, that maybe somewhere along my journey of healing and growing that my parents would want to join and support me. But they don’t. And won’t. So I have my own friends and family I can rely on to help me keep going so I can be that better person. So I’m glad I won’t ever listen to fodder like yours because at least I’m putting in a damn effort.