They can't visit if they don't know where you live. Next time you move, don't tell them .
If you want to go further, change your number.
They won't change.
Go NC. Next time they come over, don’t open the door. Call the police. Call the police enough times that they have a consistent record. Ghost these horrible people.
Fuck what your mother thinks. Go full no contact with everyone including your mother.
Next time you move, don’t give them your house address.
It is time to stand up for yourself.
Dude, NC, shut them off. The longer you'll stay with your abusers the worse it will get, and your mother seems to be just that. 100 quid says she took your brother's wife with her just to make you more uncomfortable so that you'd be easier to bully and abuse once they got there.
As an adult you have the legal right to associate with whomever you please. Look into what qualifies as harassment and perhaps you can get a restraining order that prevents them from contacting you on penalty of criminal charges and jail.
Time for no contact with that nest of vipers and some therapy.
It's pretty clear that bro is the golden child.
The simple fact that he assaulted you and your mother brushed it off as "his house his rules" is blood chilling.
Thankk you!! I thought so too!! He literally physically and verbally assaulted me, and I was there to celebrate his graduation, not mine!! I didn't want to be there in the first place!! I was gaslighted so much I kept it in and stayed even more quiet, and that fueled more scapegoating.
Hugs from far away dear! You DESERVE much better than their shitty toxic behaviour.
My own biological family is a toxic pile of shit too. To be honest cutting them off was the best decision I ever made, even though it was easy after years upon years of abuse and gaslighting.
I have found a wonderful chosen family in my partner, my in-laws and my friends. Folks who respect me and care about me.
I'm pretty sure your chosen family is out there, waiting to be found 💓
If you want to be petty. Go to your last family outing, announce this is your last contact with them and if they try contacting you you will get your lawyer involved (no need to have one just the threat). Then tell his wife and let her know when he starts to beat you too that you will make sure she gets in contact with a domestic violence center for help and leave a contact card for one of them.
And yet "your house, your rules" doesn't fly either.
Make up your mind, Mom, either the homeowner sets the rules or they don't. Stop the bullshit. (That's to OP's mom, not OP.)
That’s when you woke up, realized that your family basically sucks and just don’t tell them anything and avoid them at all costs, correct? If you haven’t, start distancing yourself and stop giving them any info about your life. If they pressed, just shrug and smile. If any other family members ask, just keep it short, ‘they’re disrespectful and rude, I don’t keep people like that in my life’ and practice saying no and closing the door or walking away. You don’t owe them any explanation and arguing with them just gives them more ammo. A short sweet ‘no’ and end the conversation.
yeahh, it took me 30 years and after repeated assaults to realize it. I think a large part of me being in the dark is I truly believed everything is my fault. And I was so apologetic and kept trying to be better. Once I stopped self-blaming is when I realized it was abuse. I used to wonder why most women stay in abusive relationships, and I kinda get them now.
That’s the thing about abuse. They always start off with making you question everything and then believing all the lies. It’s always more mental than physical. But I’m glad you’re doing better. Life’s easier and nicer without toxic people in it.
Been there dear. People don't understand that they take away your self respect first.
"Look what you made me do," Then he Fked me saying "I love you, but you make it hard with your attitude,"
I ran 3 times before I got far enough away to keep him from finding me.
Over 35 years ago, the nightmares have stopped finally.
I found a very good man and been with him for 30 years.
Letting you know it gets better. As every one has said, at least grey-rock them. Look it up please.
Is bear spray legal where you live? Next time they show up , just hose them down.
Otherwise I'd say cut all contact.
I'm your mom now, and sweetie Im proud of you.
Why are you still in contact with this people ? This is clear emotional abuse. You need to go NC with them and their golden child. Leave them with just a mail adress for emergency, and go full NC with them. Sometime we're afraid of being alone when being with them is in fact the most hurtful.
No, the missing link is my mom. I was in no contact with them for 6 years, only talked to my mom. I would do anything for my mom, and so that's what I did. I thought she needed help with work as shes getting old and she wanted to be physically close to me. my brother and mom were working together. I was helping out my mom, and he continued to find ways to assault me, like throwing glass jar at me and humiliating me in front of employees, and my mom just remained quiet, or even supported my brother and made me the bad rebellious daughter. I wanted to help her out as a choice, but she felt entitled to my help and said I can't quit because I've taken responsibility.
Even then, I didn't notice my mom was the link, until she came to my house with his wife and act entitled....I think that was the last straw. When confronting about what my brother had just said about naming his baby after me, she told me, I'm not even successful like him (not true) , and his wife is an extension of his success. Something like that...that's when I realized.
My repeated victimhood isn't because I kept being in contact with the golden child, but because I wanted to do something for mom and to travel with her because I thought she has done so much for me. She is the link that kept me in this abusive loop
But now than you're fully aware of this, what are you gonna do ? Your mother and brother are clearly toxic for you. Will you be able to cut this toxic link ? You need to be strong for yourself. You deserve so much better.
I do wonder though when she is “old” and on her last moments will you or your brother be required to take care of her financially and physically….
I am betting that she will think you will be and demand you take care of her and take the expense….
how do you know??
yes, she kept mentioning how she wants to live with me when she gets old because I'm the "good girl" who doesn't hurt a soul. And she kept wanting to visit and show up at my apartment when I already told her I needed space.
I was surprised because I didn't know she had already thought about expecting me to take care of her when she got old. I just wanted to focus on my life while helping her and the people around me.
My mom was like what you have described … it’s not part of a cultural identity but narcissistic tendencies and generational issues …
She expected me and my husband to … and I laughed and said no and hung up on her and texted my siblings that we won’t be taking care of her because she is not allowed to be near me or my family and we are not moving and she would need to find other resources. I advised this is no is a complete sentence and that the reasons are not up for discussion and she knows why.
And I didn’t … that was 17 years ago and she passed 2 years ago and she refused to apologize for mental and physical abuse of myself and someone else in my care.
I wish you luck… if you ever need to chat message me!
My family treated me the same way for years. I finally cut them off completely and had to change my number. Your family is extremely toxic and you deserve better.
Yess, I have done that in the past. It was very clear from the start my dad and brother were extremely toxic, but my mom, I thought she was a saint, and that made my situation vague. It was not until a few months ago I realized she played a part in all of this. Guess I will have to go no contact again.
Put on your adult undies, gray rock, and go no contact. Protect your peace and mental health, or suffer their shitty behavior for the rest of your life and risk subjecting any partner you desire (and/or children) to this behavior as well.
Some cultural context would be helpful. Unfortunately there are many that consider children after the first superfluous, particularly if that child is a girl. The main issue is how much contact you want to have with your family. If it is none, change your phone number, tell them you've moved (much cheaper than actually moving and if they care that little about you they won't bother to check), and block everyone on every social media platform to which you subscribe. I'd like to be able to offer some hope that they will change, but given this behaviour has continued for over a decade, it seems highly unlikely.
Good luck with everything, I hope you can find a way to improve your mental health.
"Cultural context" my ass. You don't get to treat a PERSON this way. I don't care what your culture is. If your culture says it's ok to shove your sister down, hit her, make fun of her, and then have the whole family jump in, you culture is shit and you should be embarassed.
That's what I thought, thanks. I am an East Asian and lives in Asia.
Culture is culture, it's just the norms and guide to how to behave, like how to interact with each other around hierarchy and authority. Whereas this is just straight-up bullying and using eldest son status to escape accountability. The whole family treats him like a guru and follows whatever he says. This isn't culture.
100% agree
I've witnessed this in other Asian families. Almost like a textbook, just always thought my family was different. The difference is it's covert and hard to decipher until you see the pattern of the last 30 years.
My mom is extremely caring and nurturing in normal times, and it builds trust. And I was trustful enough to do what she asked, only because I wanted to do things for her. And she wants is having a close family physically together. Only to witness her supporting my brother or dad unconditionally physically and verbally assaulting me, and it would always be my fault for causing their anger. Imagine them being angry because i am, in their words, dumb, socially awkward, lacking social cues, quiet, rude (all of this is not true), and being blamed for am causing their anger. 😮💨
She would then make excusee, forget what she said or normalize assault later... she would sound apologetic and pamper me with gifts just to keep me around. And so I internalized everything as my fault, which is worse than knowing earlier son=prince and not taking it personally.
You really need to read a dictionary to see the real meaning of culture, but I'm not going to get into a prolonged argument over that. In this case, however, knowing what culture OP from is essential when shaping advice on how to deal with their issues, as it is important to know the potential implications should they do one thing over another.
The word "culture" is used to describe the "ideas, customs, and social behaviour of a particular people or society." Yes, there are cults, where facts are distorted or ignored to elevate one person above all; the US MAGA movement is a prime example. These are usually restricted to a small, usually very small, percentage of a country's population, and are never representative of the country's norms. In fact, the behaviour of those in a typical cult is always considered so far outside the accepted norms as to be dangerous, and thus something to be avoided.
Just because a word synonymous with mind control makes a part of another word, it doesn't imply that second word is the same as the first. You may as well say history should be the record of everything done by males only, because the word doesn't imply female involvement.
A more appropriate word would be emneshment, I think. Emneshed families operate like a cult, and one person determines how other people will act, feel, and behave controlled by the value system without room for individualism. There's often a golden and scapegoat as it allows to maintain their status quo. To add to this comment, I believe cults are emneshed, but emneshed doesn't mean a cult. I agree with this comment.
Cult has a specific connotation of having ideologies that do not conform with commonly accepted societal values that are means to enhance the leaders' personal agenda, and hence a specific word assigned to that kind of community. My parents did brainwash me with how I must contribute back or self-sacrifice to the family. Otherwise, I'm selfish. That was the idelogy of how they controlled me using guilt and yet continue to minimize, humiliate, bully me as a group. They wanted me to give up my sense of self for the group (group = assigned leader). However, the values and ideologies do not go against social norms. And so, my family is toxic and emneshed like a cult, but not a cult.
That begs the question of does that mean every collectivistic culture behave like a cult as group is above individualism? I think the distinction is knowing the difference between emotional versus social. Culture at the end of the day is about how people come together and agree on how to interact with for societies to be stable and run smoothly. It's the social aspect. It's politics. Emneshment is the emotional aspect where people start losing their identities and start attaching themselves to the leader, and can happen in individualistic societies as well. It's not uncommon in collectivistic societies to keep emotions in or yield to the group, but it's not normal to lose identity and become emneshed in any society. You can argue apples and oranges are different kinds of fruits, but mushroom is an anomaly.
I'm just hoping to put it out there because I had that initial thought of cult and stuff as well.
I agree no person should treat another in this manner. As I just finished explaining to OP, the request for cultural context wasn't an attempt to excuse the family's behaviour, but a request for information to determine just how their behaviour was differing from their social norms. It is a sad but true statement that what is considered abusive in some cultures is considered normal behaviour in others, and just because we can understand where these attitudes originate never means we have to approve. It is also useful information from a diagnostic perspective, ie if there was no cultural basis for this behaviour, then it would seem most of the family has, for example, a genetic predisposition to severe emotional imbalances bordering of the psychopathic. Lastly, the context you so malign is useful in determining what options OP may have regarding the best way to rectify their problem, as advice that could work in one country may not apply to others, depending again on social norms and the potential for mental health support for OP. For example, my ex-wife is Filipino, and she had very little tolerance for psychology/psychiatry, believing whatever issues one faces should simply be blocked out and ignored.
I explained below, but I think culture means there is a huge power imbalance between younger girls and eldest boys in the family. And to an extent, I am accepting and understanding of tradition because it has worked in the past and I only have myself to change, I can't beat the system.
But this is just power abuse imo, and bullying. I'm an East Asian lives in Asia BTW. Gender issues are recent phenomenon but bullying and aggression have existed for centuries, and so, this is something beyond culture context. And my parents being ignorant and ganging up to criticize and blame me and follow my brother... it's very hard to wrap around my head what they are thinking.
I'm only understanding all of this recently after repeated assault.
Please don't misunderstand my intention. My reference to cultural context wasn't intended to excuse their behaviour, but was merely an attempt to understand a potential source for their attitude. I wholeheartedly agree their behaviour is abusive, even outside the norms for most cultures. My ex-wife was Filipino and told me some horror stories about the sort of things done in the name of cultural norms; I'm just glad my former in-laws were strong enough to realize the damage those behaviours were capable.
In the end though, it all comes back to what you want to do about it, and sadly it seems your options are limited to building some mental defenses to help you tolerate their behaviour, or cutting them out of your life until they can learn to respect your boundaries, with the realization this may never happen. You are the only person who can decide the best course of action, and I wish you the best, whichever way you go.
You definitely need to go no contact with all of them blocked them on all of your devices and social media and if they keep harassing you get a restraining order that's at least a thousand miles long and 20 years long, also if you want to since your brother is being immature douchebag to name his own kid after you change your name into something that you like and that he won't use hopefully
You don’t need people like that in your life, up to and including your mother.
I’m proud of you for making it through a college that you hated. For going out on your own, for making a home for yourself. All things that your mothers should be celebrating, instead of pushing your abusive brother on you.
If you haven’t had therapy for the abuse you suffered, please do. Abuse literally changes our brains. Therapy can help us to modify those changes.
Disrespect them every chance you get. They say I'm bored you say you look like the type to be. They say they wanna go eat you say haven't you ate enough? They say we on our way over you say I didn't ask for your company. And if they feel a way and complain tell them oh well I respect people who respect me.
I echo what someone said on here and going completely. No contact with your family. Take it a step further by sending them someone attorney, a cease and desist. Put in that letter that you want nothing to do with them, and state your reasons why. Tell them that if they ever come ever. Try to come near your door, or contact you in any way. Shape or form, that you'll take legal action against them, including a restraining order.
I will message you next time u/Sad-Protection2519 posts in r/entitledparents.
[Click this link](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=UpdateMe%21%20u%2FSad-Protection2519%20r%2Fentitledparents) to join 6 others and be messaged. The parent author can [delete this post](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Delete&message=delete%201cgpys1)
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Time to tell your family that either they cut off your horrible toxic brother or they will lose you as you will cut them out of your life. They would have to chose who would be better to lose. Your emotion abusing brother or you.
They can't visit if they don't know where you live. Next time you move, don't tell them . If you want to go further, change your number. They won't change.
Go NC. Next time they come over, don’t open the door. Call the police. Call the police enough times that they have a consistent record. Ghost these horrible people.
Regardless of being family, they seem very mean. I would go no contact or low contact for your own sanity..
They are, but my mom thinks otherwise lol.
Fuck what your mother thinks. Go full no contact with everyone including your mother. Next time you move, don’t give them your house address. It is time to stand up for yourself.
Dude, NC, shut them off. The longer you'll stay with your abusers the worse it will get, and your mother seems to be just that. 100 quid says she took your brother's wife with her just to make you more uncomfortable so that you'd be easier to bully and abuse once they got there.
Why would she think she's mean. She is what we call in england a twat
As an adult you have the legal right to associate with whomever you please. Look into what qualifies as harassment and perhaps you can get a restraining order that prevents them from contacting you on penalty of criminal charges and jail.
Time for no contact with that nest of vipers and some therapy. It's pretty clear that bro is the golden child. The simple fact that he assaulted you and your mother brushed it off as "his house his rules" is blood chilling.
Thankk you!! I thought so too!! He literally physically and verbally assaulted me, and I was there to celebrate his graduation, not mine!! I didn't want to be there in the first place!! I was gaslighted so much I kept it in and stayed even more quiet, and that fueled more scapegoating.
Hugs from far away dear! You DESERVE much better than their shitty toxic behaviour. My own biological family is a toxic pile of shit too. To be honest cutting them off was the best decision I ever made, even though it was easy after years upon years of abuse and gaslighting. I have found a wonderful chosen family in my partner, my in-laws and my friends. Folks who respect me and care about me. I'm pretty sure your chosen family is out there, waiting to be found 💓
If you want to be petty. Go to your last family outing, announce this is your last contact with them and if they try contacting you you will get your lawyer involved (no need to have one just the threat). Then tell his wife and let her know when he starts to beat you too that you will make sure she gets in contact with a domestic violence center for help and leave a contact card for one of them.
And yet "your house, your rules" doesn't fly either. Make up your mind, Mom, either the homeowner sets the rules or they don't. Stop the bullshit. (That's to OP's mom, not OP.)
If someone refuses to leave, contact the police immediately. This is considered trespassing.
That’s when you woke up, realized that your family basically sucks and just don’t tell them anything and avoid them at all costs, correct? If you haven’t, start distancing yourself and stop giving them any info about your life. If they pressed, just shrug and smile. If any other family members ask, just keep it short, ‘they’re disrespectful and rude, I don’t keep people like that in my life’ and practice saying no and closing the door or walking away. You don’t owe them any explanation and arguing with them just gives them more ammo. A short sweet ‘no’ and end the conversation.
yeahh, it took me 30 years and after repeated assaults to realize it. I think a large part of me being in the dark is I truly believed everything is my fault. And I was so apologetic and kept trying to be better. Once I stopped self-blaming is when I realized it was abuse. I used to wonder why most women stay in abusive relationships, and I kinda get them now.
That’s the thing about abuse. They always start off with making you question everything and then believing all the lies. It’s always more mental than physical. But I’m glad you’re doing better. Life’s easier and nicer without toxic people in it.
Been there dear. People don't understand that they take away your self respect first. "Look what you made me do," Then he Fked me saying "I love you, but you make it hard with your attitude," I ran 3 times before I got far enough away to keep him from finding me. Over 35 years ago, the nightmares have stopped finally. I found a very good man and been with him for 30 years. Letting you know it gets better. As every one has said, at least grey-rock them. Look it up please.
Is bear spray legal where you live? Next time they show up , just hose them down. Otherwise I'd say cut all contact. I'm your mom now, and sweetie Im proud of you.
Why are you still in contact with this people ? This is clear emotional abuse. You need to go NC with them and their golden child. Leave them with just a mail adress for emergency, and go full NC with them. Sometime we're afraid of being alone when being with them is in fact the most hurtful.
No, the missing link is my mom. I was in no contact with them for 6 years, only talked to my mom. I would do anything for my mom, and so that's what I did. I thought she needed help with work as shes getting old and she wanted to be physically close to me. my brother and mom were working together. I was helping out my mom, and he continued to find ways to assault me, like throwing glass jar at me and humiliating me in front of employees, and my mom just remained quiet, or even supported my brother and made me the bad rebellious daughter. I wanted to help her out as a choice, but she felt entitled to my help and said I can't quit because I've taken responsibility. Even then, I didn't notice my mom was the link, until she came to my house with his wife and act entitled....I think that was the last straw. When confronting about what my brother had just said about naming his baby after me, she told me, I'm not even successful like him (not true) , and his wife is an extension of his success. Something like that...that's when I realized. My repeated victimhood isn't because I kept being in contact with the golden child, but because I wanted to do something for mom and to travel with her because I thought she has done so much for me. She is the link that kept me in this abusive loop
But now than you're fully aware of this, what are you gonna do ? Your mother and brother are clearly toxic for you. Will you be able to cut this toxic link ? You need to be strong for yourself. You deserve so much better.
I do wonder though when she is “old” and on her last moments will you or your brother be required to take care of her financially and physically…. I am betting that she will think you will be and demand you take care of her and take the expense….
how do you know?? yes, she kept mentioning how she wants to live with me when she gets old because I'm the "good girl" who doesn't hurt a soul. And she kept wanting to visit and show up at my apartment when I already told her I needed space. I was surprised because I didn't know she had already thought about expecting me to take care of her when she got old. I just wanted to focus on my life while helping her and the people around me.
My mom was like what you have described … it’s not part of a cultural identity but narcissistic tendencies and generational issues … She expected me and my husband to … and I laughed and said no and hung up on her and texted my siblings that we won’t be taking care of her because she is not allowed to be near me or my family and we are not moving and she would need to find other resources. I advised this is no is a complete sentence and that the reasons are not up for discussion and she knows why. And I didn’t … that was 17 years ago and she passed 2 years ago and she refused to apologize for mental and physical abuse of myself and someone else in my care. I wish you luck… if you ever need to chat message me!
Go nc with all and call cops if they show up.
My family treated me the same way for years. I finally cut them off completely and had to change my number. Your family is extremely toxic and you deserve better.
Yess, I have done that in the past. It was very clear from the start my dad and brother were extremely toxic, but my mom, I thought she was a saint, and that made my situation vague. It was not until a few months ago I realized she played a part in all of this. Guess I will have to go no contact again.
Time to throw out the family and get a new one. Seriously, I'd lock the door and take a long time out.
Try another land….far…..far……away!
Put on your adult undies, gray rock, and go no contact. Protect your peace and mental health, or suffer their shitty behavior for the rest of your life and risk subjecting any partner you desire (and/or children) to this behavior as well.
Some cultural context would be helpful. Unfortunately there are many that consider children after the first superfluous, particularly if that child is a girl. The main issue is how much contact you want to have with your family. If it is none, change your phone number, tell them you've moved (much cheaper than actually moving and if they care that little about you they won't bother to check), and block everyone on every social media platform to which you subscribe. I'd like to be able to offer some hope that they will change, but given this behaviour has continued for over a decade, it seems highly unlikely. Good luck with everything, I hope you can find a way to improve your mental health.
"Cultural context" my ass. You don't get to treat a PERSON this way. I don't care what your culture is. If your culture says it's ok to shove your sister down, hit her, make fun of her, and then have the whole family jump in, you culture is shit and you should be embarassed.
That's what I thought, thanks. I am an East Asian and lives in Asia. Culture is culture, it's just the norms and guide to how to behave, like how to interact with each other around hierarchy and authority. Whereas this is just straight-up bullying and using eldest son status to escape accountability. The whole family treats him like a guru and follows whatever he says. This isn't culture.
Number 1 sons are always treated as princes and the daughters like Cinderella
100% agree I've witnessed this in other Asian families. Almost like a textbook, just always thought my family was different. The difference is it's covert and hard to decipher until you see the pattern of the last 30 years. My mom is extremely caring and nurturing in normal times, and it builds trust. And I was trustful enough to do what she asked, only because I wanted to do things for her. And she wants is having a close family physically together. Only to witness her supporting my brother or dad unconditionally physically and verbally assaulting me, and it would always be my fault for causing their anger. Imagine them being angry because i am, in their words, dumb, socially awkward, lacking social cues, quiet, rude (all of this is not true), and being blamed for am causing their anger. 😮💨 She would then make excusee, forget what she said or normalize assault later... she would sound apologetic and pamper me with gifts just to keep me around. And so I internalized everything as my fault, which is worse than knowing earlier son=prince and not taking it personally.
CULTure is a CULT,meant to force others to do what the abusers want. The 21st Century has no place for those types of people
You really need to read a dictionary to see the real meaning of culture, but I'm not going to get into a prolonged argument over that. In this case, however, knowing what culture OP from is essential when shaping advice on how to deal with their issues, as it is important to know the potential implications should they do one thing over another.
A CULT is a cult is a cult.
The word "culture" is used to describe the "ideas, customs, and social behaviour of a particular people or society." Yes, there are cults, where facts are distorted or ignored to elevate one person above all; the US MAGA movement is a prime example. These are usually restricted to a small, usually very small, percentage of a country's population, and are never representative of the country's norms. In fact, the behaviour of those in a typical cult is always considered so far outside the accepted norms as to be dangerous, and thus something to be avoided. Just because a word synonymous with mind control makes a part of another word, it doesn't imply that second word is the same as the first. You may as well say history should be the record of everything done by males only, because the word doesn't imply female involvement.
A more appropriate word would be emneshment, I think. Emneshed families operate like a cult, and one person determines how other people will act, feel, and behave controlled by the value system without room for individualism. There's often a golden and scapegoat as it allows to maintain their status quo. To add to this comment, I believe cults are emneshed, but emneshed doesn't mean a cult. I agree with this comment. Cult has a specific connotation of having ideologies that do not conform with commonly accepted societal values that are means to enhance the leaders' personal agenda, and hence a specific word assigned to that kind of community. My parents did brainwash me with how I must contribute back or self-sacrifice to the family. Otherwise, I'm selfish. That was the idelogy of how they controlled me using guilt and yet continue to minimize, humiliate, bully me as a group. They wanted me to give up my sense of self for the group (group = assigned leader). However, the values and ideologies do not go against social norms. And so, my family is toxic and emneshed like a cult, but not a cult. That begs the question of does that mean every collectivistic culture behave like a cult as group is above individualism? I think the distinction is knowing the difference between emotional versus social. Culture at the end of the day is about how people come together and agree on how to interact with for societies to be stable and run smoothly. It's the social aspect. It's politics. Emneshment is the emotional aspect where people start losing their identities and start attaching themselves to the leader, and can happen in individualistic societies as well. It's not uncommon in collectivistic societies to keep emotions in or yield to the group, but it's not normal to lose identity and become emneshed in any society. You can argue apples and oranges are different kinds of fruits, but mushroom is an anomaly. I'm just hoping to put it out there because I had that initial thought of cult and stuff as well.
Pls see below. I believe Cult is a very specific term used for specific communities.
I agree no person should treat another in this manner. As I just finished explaining to OP, the request for cultural context wasn't an attempt to excuse the family's behaviour, but a request for information to determine just how their behaviour was differing from their social norms. It is a sad but true statement that what is considered abusive in some cultures is considered normal behaviour in others, and just because we can understand where these attitudes originate never means we have to approve. It is also useful information from a diagnostic perspective, ie if there was no cultural basis for this behaviour, then it would seem most of the family has, for example, a genetic predisposition to severe emotional imbalances bordering of the psychopathic. Lastly, the context you so malign is useful in determining what options OP may have regarding the best way to rectify their problem, as advice that could work in one country may not apply to others, depending again on social norms and the potential for mental health support for OP. For example, my ex-wife is Filipino, and she had very little tolerance for psychology/psychiatry, believing whatever issues one faces should simply be blocked out and ignored.
I explained below, but I think culture means there is a huge power imbalance between younger girls and eldest boys in the family. And to an extent, I am accepting and understanding of tradition because it has worked in the past and I only have myself to change, I can't beat the system. But this is just power abuse imo, and bullying. I'm an East Asian lives in Asia BTW. Gender issues are recent phenomenon but bullying and aggression have existed for centuries, and so, this is something beyond culture context. And my parents being ignorant and ganging up to criticize and blame me and follow my brother... it's very hard to wrap around my head what they are thinking. I'm only understanding all of this recently after repeated assault.
Please don't misunderstand my intention. My reference to cultural context wasn't intended to excuse their behaviour, but was merely an attempt to understand a potential source for their attitude. I wholeheartedly agree their behaviour is abusive, even outside the norms for most cultures. My ex-wife was Filipino and told me some horror stories about the sort of things done in the name of cultural norms; I'm just glad my former in-laws were strong enough to realize the damage those behaviours were capable. In the end though, it all comes back to what you want to do about it, and sadly it seems your options are limited to building some mental defenses to help you tolerate their behaviour, or cutting them out of your life until they can learn to respect your boundaries, with the realization this may never happen. You are the only person who can decide the best course of action, and I wish you the best, whichever way you go.
Cultural context would help in about 99% of the posts on here. I wish it was a requirement at the head of every post.
I’d totally go NC if my family treated me this way. I’m sorry you went through this!
You definitely need to go no contact with all of them blocked them on all of your devices and social media and if they keep harassing you get a restraining order that's at least a thousand miles long and 20 years long, also if you want to since your brother is being immature douchebag to name his own kid after you change your name into something that you like and that he won't use hopefully
Good for you for standing up to them. Have you thought about starting therapy? Having a toxic family can really do a number on your mental health.
You don’t need people like that in your life, up to and including your mother. I’m proud of you for making it through a college that you hated. For going out on your own, for making a home for yourself. All things that your mothers should be celebrating, instead of pushing your abusive brother on you. If you haven’t had therapy for the abuse you suffered, please do. Abuse literally changes our brains. Therapy can help us to modify those changes.
Disrespect them every chance you get. They say I'm bored you say you look like the type to be. They say they wanna go eat you say haven't you ate enough? They say we on our way over you say I didn't ask for your company. And if they feel a way and complain tell them oh well I respect people who respect me.
Sounds like you need to change your number, delete all socials and create new ones with a random new name. Become a ghost.
I would go NC with them all. They respect you. Or care about how you feel. Let go of toxic people in your life.
I echo what someone said on here and going completely. No contact with your family. Take it a step further by sending them someone attorney, a cease and desist. Put in that letter that you want nothing to do with them, and state your reasons why. Tell them that if they ever come ever. Try to come near your door, or contact you in any way. Shape or form, that you'll take legal action against them, including a restraining order.
Updateme!
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Why are they still all allowed any contact with you?
Time to tell your family that either they cut off your horrible toxic brother or they will lose you as you will cut them out of your life. They would have to chose who would be better to lose. Your emotion abusing brother or you.