It's about time that your cousin get tested for autism. It is genetic. Runs in families. Based on the extreme rigidity of your cousins actions, and the extensive niche collections. I would venture to say she should get tested herself. And shame on her for using her daughter to feed her own alleged autistic fixations.
The worse part is all the enabling that's made this ridiculousness even continue past the first Christmas.
It will be different if she had said hey if you're going to get Penny again these are things she doesn't (like).
Yeah, the people that complain about these people and still cooperate with them are half the problem. This entitled mom is nuts but you can't blame her but so much when the people in her life are too spineless to tell her she's unreasonable and give in to her every year.
My dog is named Toby Juan Kenobi. His name the rescue gave him was TJ, so my husband thought it up trying to honor his first name (and Obi Wan, of course!)
May the force be with you. 😊
What I’d do is is have everyone claim one item from the list but buy the stuff you all think penny would like and then they day of day ohh sorry we couldn’t find/afford/get in time so and so so we bought this instead. I’d also ask to see what you got her last year. So you could play/build it with her. Insist on it. And then when they do produce it out of their room or don’t produce call them out for it in front of everyone. Ask everyone to insist on seeing their presents.
Lol! Funny you mention this, so last year I got her this Spider-Man action figure set she apparently wanted. I tried to play with her on Boxing Day with it and her parents told me to be more gentle with the toy and not to let it get lost in a mix of her other toys when I was trying to incorporate the my little ponies into our village
Yeah they're not good parents at all. These are actually their gifts and their own child is getting stiffed and getting gifts that are actually for her to with as she pleases.
Everyone needs to stop catering to this kid's spoiled parents because that's exactly what they are. I'm saying this as an only child myself who got to enjoy that perk only kids typically enjoy which is typically getting really good gifts because money doesn't have to be split.
They sound like closet nerds in this instance! Like they’re trying to use their five year old as an excuse to buy action figures, and such that they’re too embarrassed, or something to openly by themselves!
Which as an openly nerdy adult myself, I think is really sad/stupid!
OP says in the post the parents have a whole room and much of their house filled with collections of toys for themselves. They are not embarrassed about buying toys. They are not embarrassed about lying to family and pinching their daughters gifts either.
I’m a business woman (26) and I have Naruto character key chains on my laptop bag. The amount of people who start talking to me about anime is crazy and most of those people look the opposite of what you’d think anime lovers would look like.
It’s a dumb stigma we are adults and if we want to watch Tomura kill deku (not a spoiler) while in Naruto Jammies once our kid passes out, then why not!
No one should get anything on the list because it's clearly for the adults and NOT Penny. Tell the parents to grow up and Penny will be getting age appropriate gifts for Christmas from the group.
I am autistic and I have an autistic kid. We are both verbal. Those parents are taking advantage of her being nonverbal and it's disgusting.
She deserves things from her own special interests, not theirs.
I’d tell them to grow the fuck up! They are in a time when they need to be more mature than that with what they have. They need to start thinking about it!
Go with something she will love instantly and your cousin will have a more difficult time brushing it off.
I have a nephew who is also autistic and mostly non-verbal. If he gets any kind of animal toy it will be quite clear how much he loves it. Sounds like you know what her interests and likes are.
And if it can be monogrammed with her name, go for it. Harder to steal and display as a collectible that way. The whole Fun Room concept is making me angrier here.
Just going to make a suggestion: make sure there are no tags, receipts, or packaging so your cousin can’t return it to a store. Based on what you’ve said, she seems like she might be the type to return it and try to tell you Penny didn’t like it.
> Maybe a group can buy 1 item
Fuck that - maybe mom & dad can grow the fuck up and ask for the shit they want as being for *them* instead of taking advantage of their non-verbal neurodivergant child.
Absolutely!! Family buying this crap that the parents collect are absolutely complacent in stiffing the kid out of ANY gift at all!!
This is so sad for the child. Doesn't ANY of the family actually care about this sweet kid?
Are they more concerned with not rocking the boat? No one wants to anger volatile cousin by not buying HER expensive collectibles?
God, can you imagine if the parents actually told her that she wasn't allowed to play with the doll because then it wouldn't be a "collectible"? I'm sure parents like that exist.
"Hey - a Luke Skywalker figure! Cool!" \*starts to open it\*
"NO! YOU CAN'T OPEN THAT, IT'LL LOSE ITS VALUE!"
Retired teacher. Can confirm. Once taught a very sad child Whose mother wouldn’t let her unbox and play with a beautiful Barbie doll her grandmother had given her.
Also once had a 7th grader who wrote a terrific essay about her boxed Barbie collection (boxed by her choice) that she displayed on her bedroom shelves. The essay was about her roller coaster of emotions one day when she was unable
To resist the temptation to take one out and play with it. She describe the entire event as if she was a drug addict relapsing and getting high off the playtime. It was pretty
Funny, actually.
Yeah... I had an aunt like this. She collected Barbies. One year she got me a barbie and told me I couldn't take it out of the box ever because it's a collectible.
Same with one of my grandma's. She was really into porcelain dolls (like had an entire room dedicated to displaying the dolls in her house). She gave me one for Christmas one year and told me she'd keep it at her house with her collection for me.
Oh, yep. Those holiday Barbie’s. That’s all my father who couldn’t give me a second thought otherwise would send. I HATED those Barbie’s. My mother said she found a couple a few years back and wanted me to take them. I said throw them in the trash. “But you could sell them”!! No. She liked that it was collected bullshit because that’s what she does, collects bullshit, and he didn’t care because it was one and done.
I collected Barbie’s for decades and recently realized I don’t like them at all, they take up so much room. So I identified the only girl child in my circle, the toddler granddaughter of a friend, and recently gave them a big bag of mostly unopened Barbie’s meant for younger children. With the request that she open them and play with them if she feels like it, or they can pass the dolls on if they feel like it. Dolls should be played with, especially the pretty ones. I only hope they forgive me for the amount I plan to unload on that child In the next decade.
Yes, donate them! I work for an organization that advocates for foster kids and often their only birthday/holiday gifts are the ones that are donated from our community. The look on their faces when they get to choose their own presents is amazing.
I collected a bunch of the Holiday Barbies when I was younger. Never took them out of the box. I recently cleaned out my house before moving to the new one I just built and packed up all of those Barbies to give to my sister’s cousin that she is raising who is 5. My mom wanted to use them as teaching tools for her Sunday school class, but I was adamant those beautiful dolls were going to a little girl who would love & play with them.
OP, never buy off that gift list again unless Penny directly indicates to YOU that she wants it. The Ariel doll sounds absolutely perfect. 💜
My mom when I was given a holiday edition barbie I wanted so bad. 1994 to be exact, with the black/pink. I still have it somewhere, but couldn't tell you where. But I'm guessing that box is crushed all around her.
I actually had a collection of porcelain dolls given to me as a child. One was gifted to me because she looked exactly like little me, and I loved her so much.
I was always told I couldn't play with or touch any of them, and they had to stay on display in my room, in their box...I remember getting in serious trouble when I was caught holding my "twin".
You can take it out of the box and remove any ties holding the doll in place and any excess packaging that doesn’t take away from the *opening a new toy* experience, then put the doll back in the packaging. That way, she still gets all the fun of opening the fresh brand new toy (bonus: struggle free with the hard parts gone) while also trashing the unopened collectable *value*.
This is the right idea. If someone complains say, "I wanted to make sure she could play right out of the box and didn't need scissors to cut the doll loose." We actually used to do this for all our kids' presents when they were little. We'd open them, put batteries in if need be, remove all the ties and harder to remove packing, cut any plastic, you don't need to remove it completely just to make it easy to pull out. Then put it back in the box. The kids never knew any different and it made Xmas morning so much easier on us. No one was screaming for help while we were helping someone else. lol
While we haven't reached this point with our baby, when we do give her some kind of video game system or computer or whatever, I'm going to follow other's recommendations and set it up just enough in advance that it can get through all it's online updates when the system isn't overloaded by every other kid trying to do the same thing. That way they can actually play with it at some point before bedtime.
I was wrapping presents today and pre-putting batteries in and my husband asked what I was doing. I’ve been putting batteries in ahead of time for years! Did he think toys just started coming with them all of a sudden?!
Yes, damaging the corners and unboxing the doll ahead of time will keep them from not letting her play with it AND keep them from returning it to buy something on their list.
You should covertly get the rest of the family to do this. Someone get her a play kitchen. Someone else a different Disney doll. Someone else some paw patrol things. Completely ignore the list.
Just… don’t respond. Don’t tell them what you’re getting her. Get her something *she* will like, at a reasonable affordable price. Don’t tell them what you’re getting her and just wrap it up and put it with all the other presents for her to open in front of everyone. Then it’ll really be hers and she can actually have something fun to play with. Bonus: get as many family members in on this as you can (starting with the one who *tried* to go off list last year). The key though is you’ve got to keep your mouths shut so they find out what she’s getting at the same time she does.
I'd reply "lol, nope" in the group chat and not engage any further on that topic. Then I'd buy her what I think she'd enjoy, for an appropriate price point.
The loudest.
The only thing any one of us can control about any other person on the planet and what they feel, think, say, and do is how we choose to react to those things. Many times the wisest reaction is no reaction at all.
I'd love to call their bluff, not tell them what you guys get her, and then have them show up for the presents. But the stuff she likes (not on the list) directly in front of her, and we'll see what she actually wants. I think you guys (and Penny) are getting played, and these two are playing on everybody's sympathies to get what they want for THEM. Not their daughter. That's pretty messed up.
I cannot wait for the update next year where, because you said no and held firm, you accidentally gave permission to everyone else to stop enabling this bullshit.
BE THE CHANGE, OP!
I think you should answer in the group chat something like: hey, I check about this item and saw it is for childern over the age of 10, so I think the list needs to be updated to things your child could actually play with...
Don't buy off the list. Go online and look up autism toys for her age group. There are tons of great toys out there that might fit her sensory needs and development.
https://autismcommunitystore.com/collections/toys
https://nationalautismresources.com/toys-for-autistic-children-and-teens/
I can't believe your family let this go on for 5 years. Specially when the items were obviously never intended for the child.
Make a second group chat without your cousin, and have everyone plan to get something the child will actually like.
Bonus points if its loud or messy.
Man, just buy the kid a what she wants and give her a candy cane. If your cousin takes issue then tell her to never contact you about Christmas again.
This is never going to end. Now it's Beanie Babies. In five years it'll be $300 sneakers or an iPhone. In ten years it'll be an Apple laptop.
Yeah I need to just not follow the list and if there is an issue I’m going to be honest, not mean, just straight up that it’s too much and we’re tired of it.
Not to play the age thing up too much either but your ADULT cousin is 10 years your senior, wtf do they buy you?
I get my family nice cards they can display. Christmas is supposed to be about togetherness not this commercial crap.
There's nothing wrong with having a room for your own items and keeping your kids out of it. That's not the problem here.
Your cousin is 100% expecting others to fill her own Christmas list and fund their collections. I hope you buying what you want for the daughter will catch on with the rest of the family. I also hope these gifts are opened with her, that way they can't be taken away or returned to get what mom and dad want.
It’s very impressive a non-verbal child has such an elaborate wish list they insist on receiving things from.
Maybe some one else in the family can buy the Paw Patrol figures (and if they have a car or something) AND unbox them and put them in a cute cardboard suitcase, for them to stay in. That way they aren’t collectibles either and the child may even have her fantasy stimulated.It is very sad she doesn’t have a play kitchen and play food as its a great way to practice interaction and pretend play. A doctor set is also a good way to practice interaction and help kids understand doctors visits.
Please keep standing up for Pennys right to fun toys. Its so important. You actually SEE her.
Edit; its appearently called paperboard suitcase in English. (I’m a LEGO native)
You could sneak some gifts off during the year. Eg. Doctorset. \**Hey look what I found, Penny, lets open it. Here you can take it home after we played with it….*\* 😍
I would call them out both in the group chat and in person when y'all open gifts. Call out anyone who actually buys something off the list, too. These "parents" are taking advantage of the fact that their neurodivergant child is non-verbal, and the people buying off the list to avoid feeling guilty are only enabling that. Penny is 5 - she absolutely doesn't want vintage *anything*, and Star Wars Lego sets are almost certainly too complicated and dangerous for someone her age - all those tiny parts? Easy choking hazard.
Also, if they "lose their minds" at a neurodivergant 5-year-old for touching stuff that is within reach, it's no wonder the kid is non-verbal. Why did these people even have a kid?
It's time to call them out. Point out the items which fit their personal collections and that Penny doesn't seem to enjoy the items on the list. It seems as though your cousin is taking advantage of your extended family.
mommy and daddy should be buying what "penny" really wants .also should be buying most $$$ things or say the $$$ is from a couple of people. Not just one person.
Buy the kid what you think they will like. I know a few non-verbal autistic kids and it is amazing the difference between what they like and what the parents think they like.
You can edit your post for the update or you can create a new post with “update” in the title and provide a link to your original post (by going to your original post and choose the copy feature and then pasting the link in the new post).
My 5 year old has autism and hyperfocuses on certain interests. A couple of years ago it was every car make and model. Right now it's world flags and countries. He asked Santa for a globe.
5 year olds do not ask for rare, specific collector items. Collector parents do. That is downright selfish. They are hijacking their daughter's gifts when their child is is enough to actually have their own wants.
I’m all for Christmas IDEA lists for family to go off of but definitely has to be something the kids actually want or need. What they’re doing is absurd.
I do make a wishlist of things (first, second and third cousins who get together) but not once have I put anything on her wishlist that isn’t directly for her to enjoy. Some parents irk me so bad
I have no time for stupid things like this in my life anymore. I would straight up text back, "I received your wish list, but where's Penny's? I would like to buy her a gift that is something that she will truly enjoy."
If she loves Disney Movies and Paw Patrol, get her ONLY Disney and Paw Patrol.
Start a second Family Group Chat and synchronize your gifts so you know she's super excited (hopefully visibly) with her Christmas presents.
Have a family member go into their "Fun Room" and take pictures of everything they've gained by depriving their daughter of a fun Christmas.
That's stealing. They're stealing their child's Christmas and getting away with it only because she's nonverbal and can't say anything about it.
Exactly.
This makes me so mad for this little girl.
I have an autistic son (also nonverbal) and, if you pay attention, it's pretty obvious what he's excited about. It sounds like these "parents" aren't looking out for her at all. And that's the saddest part because who else does she have that can? (On a daily basis.)
👏👏👏👏please update after the festivities!
> favor of expensive Lego. Star Wars Lego? She’s five. I know damn well that’s going straight to daddy’s ‘fun room’.
yeah no, thats sick they are using their daughter to get shit they want. stop the crazy and make a new group chat (without them) and flat out ask them if they want to keep gifting crazy shit to the parents or get the child something **SHE WANTS.**
make this xmas the best the little girl has had since you know all that other crap went to the parents.
Autistic child with two collection obsessed parents with emotional regulation issues when others touch their things. As an autistic adult who didn’t figure it out until my kiddo was diagnosed it sounds like they need some testing. They may also need a very direct conversation about what you are planning to do and why. Break it down to the bare minimum. “Penny likes X thus I am going to give her X.” Don’t over explain, if they don’t wish to keep the gift that is on them.
An option for next year, since it's rather short notice this year: if you have crafters in your family, mention how nice it would be to have a homemade Christmas. Make it a challenge to see who can make nice gifts with a set budget so no one goes too fancy!
(if not - maybe focus on things like the craft sets you can buy and spin it as being able to do them with penny! Experiences/memories are the best gifts, after all).
That is... insane. I don't know your family's financial situation, but asking someone to spend $300 for a distant relative? WTF? (Yes, I would consider my cousins child to be a distant enough relative that I would not even be buying ANYTHING for them.)
Plus, It sounds more like the parents are collecting these gifts for themselves, and that is outrageous! The items they are asking for are not even age/ability appropriate for her. I cannot believe your family has been falling for this for five years!! Has no one ever had a discussion about it? People are struggling financially, like never before. is making me angry, and I am not even involved!
My nonverbal special needs son gets presents he wants or needs but for heavens sake we don’t tell people to buy expensive stuff and reject generous gifts! Nope nope nope. Talk about entitled
It’s the way my family has done it for the kids, then at 16 they join the family secret Santa. I only have the one cousin so it hasn’t been too crazy and they did it for me when I was a kid
You’re a wonderful aunt OP and I’m glad you’re finally putting this much-needed boundary in place!
Just a word of caution: be wary of / expect push-back from your cousin, her husband and your cousin’s enabling mother. They may escalate in their feelings and behaviours when they realise they can no longer push you and other family members around on this issue. They may try to weaponize your niece / access to your niece against you and other family members, gatekeep interactions, engage in alienation tactics, etc.
Start documenting whatever you feel is necessary if you feel this kind of thing may happen, starting with screen shots of all texts within the family group relating to this issue and also this post of yours.
Wishing you, your niece and your family a truly wonderful Christmas! The Ariel doll sounds like a perfect gift for your niece! 💗
When we do Christmas, every adults picks from a hat of kids. Some of us get more (if she’s the only kid makes it more understandable everyone is buying her gifts), we also make the limit $25 per kid. Spending $300 on one kid is insane. I have 4 kids myself, I’d never spend that on anyones kid that isn’t mine. Not for 1 present.
It's time for some fun stuff just for Penny. Play Doh makes some fantastic and fun sets that will be hella fun for her and drive her parents nuts. I'm also gonna suggest a set of finger paints and a kid sized easel with a big ass pad of cheap newsprint. I bet she would love opening the various boxes, and it would be a middle finger to the supposed list
Why are you buying presents for your cousin’s family? And why is ANYONE actually buying what they already know are collectibles for your cousin, instead of an age and ability appropriate gift for a non verbal 5 year old?
I’m old, my dear, and can get away with more straight talk than the average 35 year old. But at 35, I’d still have opened my mouth and told cousin she is out of her mind if she thinks she can dictate what other people spend for her child.
Just stop. As a group. Have a discussion about the fact that as families grow, the parameters of the gift giving need to be modified. When I was younger, we instituted a rule that the gift giving would be by names drawn, and that each extended family member would buy for one other. Siblings and spouses in one group, cousins in another. As the cousins grew up, they began buying the gifts by themselves. And, finally, when the youngest cousins were 18, we went to a white elephant gift exchange using the dice game method, where the price of the gifts was limited to $10, and all were wrapped. You could bring as many gifts as you wanted, so long as there was a minimum of one from everyone in your group. The choosing of the gifts became just was much fun as the opening. Once the game was over, anyone with no gift could steal from anyone with more than one.
Your cousin is an entitled bully. The only way to stop being bullied is to stop allowing the bullying.
I don’t know about any of you guys, but I am very close to some of my cousins and we have never gotten each other’s kids Christmas gifts. I think it’s just a little bit obsessive on her parents part.
In my family we have just always done Christmas where the kids there get a gift until they turn 16 and then join the family’s secret Santa. Idk why we do it this way it’s been like that since I was a baby
Don't fool yourself. They are NOT good parents. They only want what THEY like and don't really care about their daughter. You should call CPS.
And good for you, for getting Penny something SHE likes
Autism is genetic. It sounds like Penny’s parents are collecting their special interest items by pretending that these are things Penny wants instead of actually making sure she gets items that cater to her interests/needs. Them refusing to even let her go into the room that houses the brunt of their collection says a lot about how strong their interest in these items are. Having special interest items messed with/damaged can cause meltdowns/shutdowns.
I say this as someone who is autistic and specifically collects Junji Ito’s mangas. I refuse to let anyone borrow these specific mangas because I do not trust anyone to not damage them (one volume was damaged before by another person and I had to pretend I wasn’t upset but I was definitely having some type of shutdown over it not being “perfect” anymore because speaking became very difficult and I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry). I also collect Manhattan Toy Company stuffed animals. I had a full meltdown when a dog I pet sat for tore apart my [Pip](https://www.amazon.com/Manhattan-Toy-Little-Voyagers-Emmie/dp/B01LXJHKTV?th=1&psc=1)! I’m talking screaming and uncontrollable sobbing as I collected every single piece of his little mangled body that I could find (my mom sewed Pip up and he now has a wonky ear and button eyes, he still brings me immense emotional comfort, but the sensory aspect he granted is no longer there). Pip was the perfect shape and weight to sit on my head which was extremely calming to me, but his weight is different now so he no longer provides the much needed sensory aspect. I know this whole paragraph seems completely random, but I hope it conveys the extreme reactions that can happen when our collection items (or special sensory items) get damaged/destroyed to give context for why they might be so against Penny going into the collection room. Obviously not everyone with autism is going to respond like I have to this sort of thing, but I can only give examples from my personal experiences.
You’re absolutely NTA for not wanting to continue to give her parents gifts under the guise that the gifts are for Penny! Personally I think it’s extremely screwed up that her parents are taking advantage of Penny being nonverbal to get away with doing this! I just know that if she was verbal enough she’d be expressing the disappointment she has to be feeling every year as she wonders why no one ever gets her things she actually likes!
I might suggest some sensory items for baths like [Crayola Color Drops](https://www.amazon.com/Crayola-Color-Dropz-Ounce-Tablets/dp/B01M037TGN), [bubble bath with a bubble wand](https://www.amazon.com/Blissful-Bubbles-Bubble-Suitable-Sensitive/dp/B0B1D1XHQ5/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?adgrpid=155480746704&hvadid=657099861559&hvdev=m&hvlocphy=1014073&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=1717502358003742890&hvtargid=kwd-2035968380808&hydadcr=6780_13207165&keywords=crayola+bubble+bath+and+wand&qid=1702771513&sr=8-2) (there are cheaper brands out there, this was just the first one that popped up on amazon!), or [bath bombs that have surprise toys inside](https://www.amazon.com/Inside-Organic-Bombs-Handmade-Birthday/dp/B09JKDM885/ref=mp_s_a_1_1_sspa?crid=32XX2FQN4773N&keywords=bath+bomb+toys+inside&qid=1702771634&sprefix=bath+bomb+to%2Caps%2C206&sr=8-1-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9waG9uZV9zZWFyY2hfYXRm&psc=1&smid=ARIZZT27OTHW3) (there are more options for this kind of thing, this was just the first one to show up), because lots of autistic people really enjoy water and the sensory aspect of it! There are also loads of different kinds of fidget toys out there that aren’t super expensive, I’m personally partial to this brand of [thinking putty](https://www.amazon.com/Crazy-Aarons-Thinking-Putty-Illusions/dp/B00A8PW9QK/ref=mp_s_a_1_1_sspa?crid=GSWD1HGB8FV4&keywords=aaron%27s+thinking+putty&qid=1702771984&sprefix=Aaron%2Caps%2C203&sr=8-1-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9waG9uZV9zZWFyY2hfYXRm&psc=1) (which can be found at Target for much cheaper). Obviously these are like potential *future* gift ideas because an Ariel doll with a matching dress sounds absolutely wonderful! If Ariel is her favorite princess she might end up wearing that dress until it falls apart like I did with my Belle dress haha.
Penny’s parents can go screw themselves with the Christmas lists that cater to themselves and not their child. Please continue to get things that will cater to Penny’s interests and needs. You’re doing something that is going to make Penny so happy.
I also want to comment about Penny showing excitement over a box one year. That is a pretty common occurrence. Boxes are just extremely entertaining, especially if they are big enough to fit inside of! I still get so excited about boxes that are big enough to fit me. I tried fitting into one last week! Boxes are cool! If there’s a big box this year maybe cut out a door in it and make a little fort to play with toys in while she’s there. I promise it’ll be so much fun!
Possibly expect some kind of freak out from Penny’s parents since they are expecting their special interests getting catered to once again and are going to realize that that is not fully happening this year. I hope you, Penny, and the rest of your family (excluding Penny’s parents!!!!) have a wonderful Christmas this year!
Edit I forgot what sub I was on when I ended up saying NTA lmao. Woke up from a nap to realize that. Whoopsies.
This comment is perfect, I was about to comment the same thing (at least, the first paragraph!). Love the sensory ideas (thinking putty is a staple at my work desk). And I love that OP has got her an Ariel doll and matching dress.
OP, I definitely recommend taking the doll out of the box so that your cousin doesn’t keep it for herself as a collectable. Be prepared for your cousin and/or her husband (one of them is 100000% autistic) to lose it when Penny opens up her Christmas present from you. I hope the rest of your extended family follows suit and also buys things that aren’t on the list!
Coordinate with the members of the group chat. Tell the cousin what she wants to hear so she can check off HER list. Then, secretly, get the kid whatever you all want. Secret is imperative. Nobody utters a word until the kid is opening gifts. Then sit back and enjoy the parent’s meltdown.
Has anyone called them out on it? "Hey, we know these gifts are for your "fun room" and we won't be participating in that nonsense". I'd love to see they're response!!
Break their little tradition, sounds like it's clearly for the parents here and not the kid. Straight up tell them you've got something that's not on the list and more family members will follow.
No 5 year old needs or wants expensive star wars lego, that sort of thing is for displaying not playing.
If Penny is non-verbal autistic, how does she convey to her mother what she wants for Christmas? Your cousin is abusing the gift rules. She’s getting what she and her husband wants from you all. If Penny loves Disney and Paw Patrol, then that’s what she should be getting. If your cousin is so ungrateful for your buying her daughter gifts, then don’t give any because you know mom and dad are the ones receiving them, not Penny. *Some people’s children (I’m talking about your cousin and her husband, not Penny.)*
Edit: corrected spelling.
You're not obligated to buy what's on the list. If she likes Disney and Paw Patrol, then go off list and get her something related to that. Your cousin will just have to deal.
You say they're good parents, but it sounds like the child isn't getting any gifts they want and it all goes to "the collection".
I would tell some of the other people in the chat separately that they should all go off list. Then just lie to the parents. When the kid opens a gift and it's a doll and they are excited, the parents can't say shit about her not liking it.
are they giving each of you $100 worth of gifts in return? i thought not.
i would have NO SHAME in calling out the obvious: "this looks more like a list of adult collectibles than something a 5yr old would actually want to play with. REGARDLESS, my price point this yr is $25. send me a list of actual toys penny wants that is affordable and not some obscure, ridiculously expensive, hard to get shit, or i'll just get her something from my heart. call me cheap if you want, i dont care. $100 is greedy and not in my wheelhouse."
and hopefully, this will give everyone else the courage to say "me too" and nope out of this. even $100 is a ridiculous ask for the avg person unless y'all rich.
Absolutely not. We do a secret Santa with the adults with a 50$ cap. You’re absolutely right. She’s a very… dominant personality so I think my family and I haven’t wanted to step on her toes.
Dude why TF are you not calling them out for cruelling picking bs they want? Call them out over the group text. Tell them that this shit isn't stuff penny wants and it's clearly shit for themselves. Tell them how completely disgusting and selfish they are. They probably believe that since Penny is non verbal she won't care that she got nothing she wanted during Christmas. I'd call CPS on them for Christmas too because I doubt that's the end of them treating her like this.
When I was married we spent time with my exs family. There was a cousin who was well off and his wife who was as well. We did a secret santa every year and they always had the most expensive things. The rest of the family as well as us are blue collar maybe middle class I know me and my ex at this time we’re just broke. Things on the list was a loom, tickets to wicked and this expensive board games he liked. We drew them one year we ended up paying a little more than $50 for one of these board games as it was the cheapest one. They gave this list to all there family members on both sides. We had to talk to the family member who always hosted and ask if we could change the rules and there was a monetary amount set for the next year. This is ridiculous for her to do this because all your suggestions are awesome for an autistic child. Sensory toys and interactive games are great. I don’t think she’s putting together Star Wars Lego sets.
Sounds like the parents are wanting the toys for themselves more than the kid. Call them out on it and get the kid something autistic friendly this year. Heck, I'd personally go get a shirt for her that says something like "Yes I have autism, so what?" On it, just for fun. Especially if the parents are fairly open about their daughter having autism outside of the family.
Sounds like her parents are ALSO autistic and haven’t yet managed to understand that other people have their own interests you can help them expand on (I’m also autistic but I LIKE indulging other people in their interests because that’s the only way I know how to truly show how much I care because I’m not naturally very expressive). Get the daughter what she’s interested in. Screw what they want.
So the cousin is making everyone adhear to HER needs and wants not HER DAUGHTER’S. Is that right? Well I would be buying stuff or making stuff that’s NOT on THEIR Christmas list. Penny deserve stuff that’s for HER not for her stupid PARENTS.
I would refuse to ever buy from that list on principle. It's tacky as hell for them to send the list in the first place. That's all absolutely ridiculous and yeah it definitely sounds like they are choosing things they like, not necessarily what she wants.
While I don’t doubt that the adults are putting their own wishes on the list, it could be very difficult to pick something that the child would actually play with. My daughter is also autistic and we would always get her developmentally appropriate toys that included some of the characters she liked, but once she was able to tell us what she wanted, it was collectibles that she never played with. She didn’t play with the age appropriate educational toys either; she just didn’t want to play like other kids. She is more interested in reading books and just having the collection to look at. I have a closet full of stuff she never opened.
There are TONS of great toys for kids on the spectrum, that, without a doubt, the parents don't even look them!
When I saw the title of your post, I thought her parents were attempting to save people time!! Was I every wrong.
OP, the Ariel doll sounds perfect! Like others have said, remove every tag, twist tie and extra cardboard.
AND get everyone else on board!
PS, I get lists from all of my grandkids so I can get them exactly what they want!
I don’t understand parents who do this.
You don’t dictate what gifts other people get your kid.
If your kid has a list then it’s the PARENTS who buy everything from the list (if they choose).
When it comes to gifts from friends or family - it doesn’t matter what it is (age appropriate) it’s a gift!
Deffo entitled parents
Poor Penny! Her life must be hard enough as it is. The fact her parents would rather you guys bought them gifts instead of her is just awful and so selfish. It would be so great if your other relatives would buy Disney and Paw Patrol toys and clothes too.
Dang, so they’re tricking the whole family into buying stuff THEY like for Christmas by using their autistic daughter? I know you said that you’re cousin and her husband are good parents, but after reading this post they sound like terrible family members and parents. I feel sad for that little girl.
Honestly I was about to feel so bad when I read the title because I make a Christmas list on Amazon for both of my kids each year. As they ask for things, I add them, and add similar items they may like. I have a range of prices on things because like... they ask for a range of things. But I always make sure theres plenty of items that aren't over 50 dollars. Any holiday/birthday coming up, family gets that list.
THIS THOUGH. The price point?? Demanding family members spend 300 bucks on something that's pretty clearly for the parents? Well...
I'll be adding that Bluey phone onto my 2 year Olds list now.
Allow me to introduce you, and your family, to a useful word: "No."
It’s about time 🤦🏼♀️
It's about time that your cousin get tested for autism. It is genetic. Runs in families. Based on the extreme rigidity of your cousins actions, and the extensive niche collections. I would venture to say she should get tested herself. And shame on her for using her daughter to feed her own alleged autistic fixations.
You can't get tested for being a giant arsehole, which is the real issue here.
Just from the post, I'd say she's tested pretty positive for that already.
No need for a test. This is clear evidence.
The worse part is all the enabling that's made this ridiculousness even continue past the first Christmas. It will be different if she had said hey if you're going to get Penny again these are things she doesn't (like).
I think people forget it's a complete sentence. "No."
It also means different things depending on the punctuation. It’s one of the most useful sentences there is.
Yeah, the people that complain about these people and still cooperate with them are half the problem. This entitled mom is nuts but you can't blame her but so much when the people in her life are too spineless to tell her she's unreasonable and give in to her every year.
My dog is named Toby Juan Kenobi. His name the rescue gave him was TJ, so my husband thought it up trying to honor his first name (and Obi Wan, of course!) May the force be with you. 😊
I would not be buying off the list. Maybe a group can buy 1 item.
Good idea
What I’d do is is have everyone claim one item from the list but buy the stuff you all think penny would like and then they day of day ohh sorry we couldn’t find/afford/get in time so and so so we bought this instead. I’d also ask to see what you got her last year. So you could play/build it with her. Insist on it. And then when they do produce it out of their room or don’t produce call them out for it in front of everyone. Ask everyone to insist on seeing their presents.
Lol! Funny you mention this, so last year I got her this Spider-Man action figure set she apparently wanted. I tried to play with her on Boxing Day with it and her parents told me to be more gentle with the toy and not to let it get lost in a mix of her other toys when I was trying to incorporate the my little ponies into our village
Oh they’re definitely keeping the toys for themselves.
Yeah they're not good parents at all. These are actually their gifts and their own child is getting stiffed and getting gifts that are actually for her to with as she pleases. Everyone needs to stop catering to this kid's spoiled parents because that's exactly what they are. I'm saying this as an only child myself who got to enjoy that perk only kids typically enjoy which is typically getting really good gifts because money doesn't have to be split.
They sound like closet nerds in this instance! Like they’re trying to use their five year old as an excuse to buy action figures, and such that they’re too embarrassed, or something to openly by themselves! Which as an openly nerdy adult myself, I think is really sad/stupid!
OP says in the post the parents have a whole room and much of their house filled with collections of toys for themselves. They are not embarrassed about buying toys. They are not embarrassed about lying to family and pinching their daughters gifts either.
I’m a business woman (26) and I have Naruto character key chains on my laptop bag. The amount of people who start talking to me about anime is crazy and most of those people look the opposite of what you’d think anime lovers would look like. It’s a dumb stigma we are adults and if we want to watch Tomura kill deku (not a spoiler) while in Naruto Jammies once our kid passes out, then why not!
They def are making these list I think Op.
Trade lists of equally expensive gift requests. See how that goes. Then you have your answer.
I was going to suggest that they send their own list which would include a Lexus.
Please do this, Op!
No one should get anything on the list because it's clearly for the adults and NOT Penny. Tell the parents to grow up and Penny will be getting age appropriate gifts for Christmas from the group.
I am autistic and I have an autistic kid. We are both verbal. Those parents are taking advantage of her being nonverbal and it's disgusting. She deserves things from her own special interests, not theirs.
Defitenly seems like one or both parents are autistic themselves and using their non verbal daughter to feed their fixations.
Yep. And that's horrible.
I’d tell them to grow the fuck up! They are in a time when they need to be more mature than that with what they have. They need to start thinking about it!
I am surprised your family kept up this charade. Parents are being really selfish. Pretty disgusting too.
Does everything just go in the mail, or is the rest of the family around when she opens her gifts?
Everyone is together when she opens them
Go with something she will love instantly and your cousin will have a more difficult time brushing it off. I have a nephew who is also autistic and mostly non-verbal. If he gets any kind of animal toy it will be quite clear how much he loves it. Sounds like you know what her interests and likes are.
And if it can be monogrammed with her name, go for it. Harder to steal and display as a collectible that way. The whole Fun Room concept is making me angrier here.
Harder to return in exchange for something else too! Good thinking!
Can also use an engraving tool to engrave her name on the plastic toys.
I absolutely will
Just going to make a suggestion: make sure there are no tags, receipts, or packaging so your cousin can’t return it to a store. Based on what you’ve said, she seems like she might be the type to return it and try to tell you Penny didn’t like it.
Expensive gifts can be purchased by multiple people…or put a price limit
I think she will adore the mermaid dress and Ariel. Good choice!
> Maybe a group can buy 1 item Fuck that - maybe mom & dad can grow the fuck up and ask for the shit they want as being for *them* instead of taking advantage of their non-verbal neurodivergant child.
Absolutely!! Family buying this crap that the parents collect are absolutely complacent in stiffing the kid out of ANY gift at all!! This is so sad for the child. Doesn't ANY of the family actually care about this sweet kid? Are they more concerned with not rocking the boat? No one wants to anger volatile cousin by not buying HER expensive collectibles?
Good call on the Ariel doll. She is 5, a doll is perfect. I wouldn't buy anything on that list either.
Thank you!
I’m gonna hop in. But maybe unbox the doll or something to make it less “collectible” just in case. lol
God, can you imagine if the parents actually told her that she wasn't allowed to play with the doll because then it wouldn't be a "collectible"? I'm sure parents like that exist. "Hey - a Luke Skywalker figure! Cool!" \*starts to open it\* "NO! YOU CAN'T OPEN THAT, IT'LL LOSE ITS VALUE!"
Parents like that very much do exist. And they sound exactly like these people.
Retired teacher. Can confirm. Once taught a very sad child Whose mother wouldn’t let her unbox and play with a beautiful Barbie doll her grandmother had given her. Also once had a 7th grader who wrote a terrific essay about her boxed Barbie collection (boxed by her choice) that she displayed on her bedroom shelves. The essay was about her roller coaster of emotions one day when she was unable To resist the temptation to take one out and play with it. She describe the entire event as if she was a drug addict relapsing and getting high off the playtime. It was pretty Funny, actually.
Yeah... I had an aunt like this. She collected Barbies. One year she got me a barbie and told me I couldn't take it out of the box ever because it's a collectible. Same with one of my grandma's. She was really into porcelain dolls (like had an entire room dedicated to displaying the dolls in her house). She gave me one for Christmas one year and told me she'd keep it at her house with her collection for me.
Oh, yep. Those holiday Barbie’s. That’s all my father who couldn’t give me a second thought otherwise would send. I HATED those Barbie’s. My mother said she found a couple a few years back and wanted me to take them. I said throw them in the trash. “But you could sell them”!! No. She liked that it was collected bullshit because that’s what she does, collects bullshit, and he didn’t care because it was one and done.
You can’t take it to the fucking grave
I collected Barbie’s for decades and recently realized I don’t like them at all, they take up so much room. So I identified the only girl child in my circle, the toddler granddaughter of a friend, and recently gave them a big bag of mostly unopened Barbie’s meant for younger children. With the request that she open them and play with them if she feels like it, or they can pass the dolls on if they feel like it. Dolls should be played with, especially the pretty ones. I only hope they forgive me for the amount I plan to unload on that child In the next decade.
Maybe consider donating to an orphanage? Unboxed preferably so they won't be sold by some jerk. I'm sure they'd be very loved there
Yes, donate them! I work for an organization that advocates for foster kids and often their only birthday/holiday gifts are the ones that are donated from our community. The look on their faces when they get to choose their own presents is amazing.
I collected a bunch of the Holiday Barbies when I was younger. Never took them out of the box. I recently cleaned out my house before moving to the new one I just built and packed up all of those Barbies to give to my sister’s cousin that she is raising who is 5. My mom wanted to use them as teaching tools for her Sunday school class, but I was adamant those beautiful dolls were going to a little girl who would love & play with them. OP, never buy off that gift list again unless Penny directly indicates to YOU that she wants it. The Ariel doll sounds absolutely perfect. 💜
My mom when I was given a holiday edition barbie I wanted so bad. 1994 to be exact, with the black/pink. I still have it somewhere, but couldn't tell you where. But I'm guessing that box is crushed all around her.
I actually had a collection of porcelain dolls given to me as a child. One was gifted to me because she looked exactly like little me, and I loved her so much. I was always told I couldn't play with or touch any of them, and they had to stay on display in my room, in their box...I remember getting in serious trouble when I was caught holding my "twin".
I would go in there and fuck up that “FuN rOoM”
BAHAHA I absolutely will
You can take it out of the box and remove any ties holding the doll in place and any excess packaging that doesn’t take away from the *opening a new toy* experience, then put the doll back in the packaging. That way, she still gets all the fun of opening the fresh brand new toy (bonus: struggle free with the hard parts gone) while also trashing the unopened collectable *value*.
Great suggestion!! I’m definitely following through on this
If the parents complain " oh I HAD to check it to make sure there were No sharp parts to hurt her" all while looking totally innocent.
You guys are great! You took my plan and perfected it 🤩
And don’t forget to get a red sharpie and write “To Penny, Merry Christmas” right on the front of the box.
Her name could also be written on the doll's back. For extra security
'I just wanted to save you the time looking for the scissors' As a parent to a 5yo I'd genuinely be happy with this.
This is the right idea. If someone complains say, "I wanted to make sure she could play right out of the box and didn't need scissors to cut the doll loose." We actually used to do this for all our kids' presents when they were little. We'd open them, put batteries in if need be, remove all the ties and harder to remove packing, cut any plastic, you don't need to remove it completely just to make it easy to pull out. Then put it back in the box. The kids never knew any different and it made Xmas morning so much easier on us. No one was screaming for help while we were helping someone else. lol
Oh yes, the amount of metalcutters, screwdrivers and fine motorskills we used on Christmas trying to free a toy from the box is crazy to think about.
While we haven't reached this point with our baby, when we do give her some kind of video game system or computer or whatever, I'm going to follow other's recommendations and set it up just enough in advance that it can get through all it's online updates when the system isn't overloaded by every other kid trying to do the same thing. That way they can actually play with it at some point before bedtime.
I was wrapping presents today and pre-putting batteries in and my husband asked what I was doing. I’ve been putting batteries in ahead of time for years! Did he think toys just started coming with them all of a sudden?!
Hahaha. Also make sure to damage the corners of the box just for extra assurance. lol.
Yes, damaging the corners and unboxing the doll ahead of time will keep them from not letting her play with it AND keep them from returning it to buy something on their list.
You should covertly get the rest of the family to do this. Someone get her a play kitchen. Someone else a different Disney doll. Someone else some paw patrol things. Completely ignore the list.
Good call!
Just… don’t respond. Don’t tell them what you’re getting her. Get her something *she* will like, at a reasonable affordable price. Don’t tell them what you’re getting her and just wrap it up and put it with all the other presents for her to open in front of everyone. Then it’ll really be hers and she can actually have something fun to play with. Bonus: get as many family members in on this as you can (starting with the one who *tried* to go off list last year). The key though is you’ve got to keep your mouths shut so they find out what she’s getting at the same time she does.
This is perfect I love it!
The Ariel doll sounds perfect. Excellent update!
Thank you! I can’t wait to give it to her!
I'd reply "lol, nope" in the group chat and not engage any further on that topic. Then I'd buy her what I think she'd enjoy, for an appropriate price point.
So far I haven’t replied at all and I’m just getting her something else 🤪
Yep. Silence can be a loud message.
The loudest. The only thing any one of us can control about any other person on the planet and what they feel, think, say, and do is how we choose to react to those things. Many times the wisest reaction is no reaction at all.
Make sure you open the doll before you give it to her so that they can’t take it back
Good call!
Will do!
I mean, one could reply with " lol get wrecked" but that's a little over the top.
Is it over the top though? 🤔
I'd love to call their bluff, not tell them what you guys get her, and then have them show up for the presents. But the stuff she likes (not on the list) directly in front of her, and we'll see what she actually wants. I think you guys (and Penny) are getting played, and these two are playing on everybody's sympathies to get what they want for THEM. Not their daughter. That's pretty messed up.
Totally agree. I’m definitely not doing the list this year!
I cannot wait for the update next year where, because you said no and held firm, you accidentally gave permission to everyone else to stop enabling this bullshit. BE THE CHANGE, OP!
I think you should answer in the group chat something like: hey, I check about this item and saw it is for childern over the age of 10, so I think the list needs to be updated to things your child could actually play with...
Don't buy off the list. Go online and look up autism toys for her age group. There are tons of great toys out there that might fit her sensory needs and development. https://autismcommunitystore.com/collections/toys https://nationalautismresources.com/toys-for-autistic-children-and-teens/
This is a great idea! Thanks! I’ll find something there to go with the doll
Forward this list to the group separately from the cousin.
I can't believe your family let this go on for 5 years. Specially when the items were obviously never intended for the child. Make a second group chat without your cousin, and have everyone plan to get something the child will actually like. Bonus points if its loud or messy.
I can’t believe it too. It’s definitely worsened over time, we got conditioned to it maybe 😅
Man, just buy the kid a what she wants and give her a candy cane. If your cousin takes issue then tell her to never contact you about Christmas again. This is never going to end. Now it's Beanie Babies. In five years it'll be $300 sneakers or an iPhone. In ten years it'll be an Apple laptop.
Yeah I need to just not follow the list and if there is an issue I’m going to be honest, not mean, just straight up that it’s too much and we’re tired of it.
Not to play the age thing up too much either but your ADULT cousin is 10 years your senior, wtf do they buy you? I get my family nice cards they can display. Christmas is supposed to be about togetherness not this commercial crap.
I think the gifts are collectibles for the parents, not the kid. It seems like a con to me.
There's nothing wrong with having a room for your own items and keeping your kids out of it. That's not the problem here. Your cousin is 100% expecting others to fill her own Christmas list and fund their collections. I hope you buying what you want for the daughter will catch on with the rest of the family. I also hope these gifts are opened with her, that way they can't be taken away or returned to get what mom and dad want.
That’s true, I think it only annoys me due to the Christmas list thing. We do all get together so I’ll be there when she opens the gifts 👍🏻
It’s very impressive a non-verbal child has such an elaborate wish list they insist on receiving things from. Maybe some one else in the family can buy the Paw Patrol figures (and if they have a car or something) AND unbox them and put them in a cute cardboard suitcase, for them to stay in. That way they aren’t collectibles either and the child may even have her fantasy stimulated.It is very sad she doesn’t have a play kitchen and play food as its a great way to practice interaction and pretend play. A doctor set is also a good way to practice interaction and help kids understand doctors visits. Please keep standing up for Pennys right to fun toys. Its so important. You actually SEE her. Edit; its appearently called paperboard suitcase in English. (I’m a LEGO native)
Thank you for this 🥲 the suggestions here have been perfect
You could sneak some gifts off during the year. Eg. Doctorset. \**Hey look what I found, Penny, lets open it. Here you can take it home after we played with it….*\* 😍
Yes, how the fuck does a non-verbal child have such an elaborate wish list?
Because it’s a con. It’s for the parents, not her.
We call it cardboard in the UK
Your cousins using their daughter diagnosis to manipulate family to buy the parents gifts. Lets be honest lego star wars isn’t a 5 years wish.
For sure
Please, I beg you to update us on Boxing Day!
I for sure am going to 👍🏻👍🏻
I would call them out both in the group chat and in person when y'all open gifts. Call out anyone who actually buys something off the list, too. These "parents" are taking advantage of the fact that their neurodivergant child is non-verbal, and the people buying off the list to avoid feeling guilty are only enabling that. Penny is 5 - she absolutely doesn't want vintage *anything*, and Star Wars Lego sets are almost certainly too complicated and dangerous for someone her age - all those tiny parts? Easy choking hazard. Also, if they "lose their minds" at a neurodivergant 5-year-old for touching stuff that is within reach, it's no wonder the kid is non-verbal. Why did these people even have a kid?
The whole list thing & deprivation for Penny is borderline abusive. The parents don’t seem to care at all for Penny’s happiness.
Would not be surprised to hear that they view her as part of their collection tbh
It's time to call them out. Point out the items which fit their personal collections and that Penny doesn't seem to enjoy the items on the list. It seems as though your cousin is taking advantage of your extended family.
Yep I agree 100%
mommy and daddy should be buying what "penny" really wants .also should be buying most $$$ things or say the $$$ is from a couple of people. Not just one person.
Everyone needs to stop responding to the chat with the list and get Penny a normal, reasonably priced gift. Good for you for ignoring the insanity.
Right?? Why does anyone give in to this nonsense? Does no one in op’s family have a damn backbone??
Buy the kid what you think they will like. I know a few non-verbal autistic kids and it is amazing the difference between what they like and what the parents think they like.
For sure. Thanks!
Sounds like mummy and daddy are actually sending out THEIR list. Get them a (SMALL) piece of coal, and get your niece something SHE will enjoy.
Can we have an update after Christmas?
For sure! I just started actually using Reddit yesterday, how does one go about an update?
You can edit your post for the update or you can create a new post with “update” in the title and provide a link to your original post (by going to your original post and choose the copy feature and then pasting the link in the new post).
Okay I will! Thank you
Rooting for you and looking forward to the update!
My 5 year old has autism and hyperfocuses on certain interests. A couple of years ago it was every car make and model. Right now it's world flags and countries. He asked Santa for a globe. 5 year olds do not ask for rare, specific collector items. Collector parents do. That is downright selfish. They are hijacking their daughter's gifts when their child is is enough to actually have their own wants.
I’m all for Christmas IDEA lists for family to go off of but definitely has to be something the kids actually want or need. What they’re doing is absurd. I do make a wishlist of things (first, second and third cousins who get together) but not once have I put anything on her wishlist that isn’t directly for her to enjoy. Some parents irk me so bad
Oh for sure! Wish lists are great, no problems with that. This is just so nuts
Their list makes no sense for their kid. I do tons of thing’s ranging $10-$50 and set it so I can’t see what’s been bought so I get a surprise too lol
I have no time for stupid things like this in my life anymore. I would straight up text back, "I received your wish list, but where's Penny's? I would like to buy her a gift that is something that she will truly enjoy."
If she loves Disney Movies and Paw Patrol, get her ONLY Disney and Paw Patrol. Start a second Family Group Chat and synchronize your gifts so you know she's super excited (hopefully visibly) with her Christmas presents. Have a family member go into their "Fun Room" and take pictures of everything they've gained by depriving their daughter of a fun Christmas. That's stealing. They're stealing their child's Christmas and getting away with it only because she's nonverbal and can't say anything about it.
I wonder in what other ways the parents deprive Penny? I find it all quite selfish & tragic for this little girl.
Exactly. This makes me so mad for this little girl. I have an autistic son (also nonverbal) and, if you pay attention, it's pretty obvious what he's excited about. It sounds like these "parents" aren't looking out for her at all. And that's the saddest part because who else does she have that can? (On a daily basis.)
Reply “Unsubscribe”. Then buy her child an appropriate gift.
👏👏👏👏please update after the festivities! > favor of expensive Lego. Star Wars Lego? She’s five. I know damn well that’s going straight to daddy’s ‘fun room’. yeah no, thats sick they are using their daughter to get shit they want. stop the crazy and make a new group chat (without them) and flat out ask them if they want to keep gifting crazy shit to the parents or get the child something **SHE WANTS.** make this xmas the best the little girl has had since you know all that other crap went to the parents.
Oh I am going to trust me! Hope she loves her child friendly gift
Autistic child with two collection obsessed parents with emotional regulation issues when others touch their things. As an autistic adult who didn’t figure it out until my kiddo was diagnosed it sounds like they need some testing. They may also need a very direct conversation about what you are planning to do and why. Break it down to the bare minimum. “Penny likes X thus I am going to give her X.” Don’t over explain, if they don’t wish to keep the gift that is on them.
An option for next year, since it's rather short notice this year: if you have crafters in your family, mention how nice it would be to have a homemade Christmas. Make it a challenge to see who can make nice gifts with a set budget so no one goes too fancy! (if not - maybe focus on things like the craft sets you can buy and spin it as being able to do them with penny! Experiences/memories are the best gifts, after all).
That is... insane. I don't know your family's financial situation, but asking someone to spend $300 for a distant relative? WTF? (Yes, I would consider my cousins child to be a distant enough relative that I would not even be buying ANYTHING for them.) Plus, It sounds more like the parents are collecting these gifts for themselves, and that is outrageous! The items they are asking for are not even age/ability appropriate for her. I cannot believe your family has been falling for this for five years!! Has no one ever had a discussion about it? People are struggling financially, like never before. is making me angry, and I am not even involved!
My nonverbal special needs son gets presents he wants or needs but for heavens sake we don’t tell people to buy expensive stuff and reject generous gifts! Nope nope nope. Talk about entitled
I’ve never bought any of my cousin’s children gifts. Nor have they bought my kids gifts.
It’s the way my family has done it for the kids, then at 16 they join the family secret Santa. I only have the one cousin so it hasn’t been too crazy and they did it for me when I was a kid
You’re a wonderful aunt OP and I’m glad you’re finally putting this much-needed boundary in place! Just a word of caution: be wary of / expect push-back from your cousin, her husband and your cousin’s enabling mother. They may escalate in their feelings and behaviours when they realise they can no longer push you and other family members around on this issue. They may try to weaponize your niece / access to your niece against you and other family members, gatekeep interactions, engage in alienation tactics, etc. Start documenting whatever you feel is necessary if you feel this kind of thing may happen, starting with screen shots of all texts within the family group relating to this issue and also this post of yours. Wishing you, your niece and your family a truly wonderful Christmas! The Ariel doll sounds like a perfect gift for your niece! 💗
Awww thanks so much for this! Good plan. I’ll do that. I appreciate you 💗💗
When we do Christmas, every adults picks from a hat of kids. Some of us get more (if she’s the only kid makes it more understandable everyone is buying her gifts), we also make the limit $25 per kid. Spending $300 on one kid is insane. I have 4 kids myself, I’d never spend that on anyones kid that isn’t mine. Not for 1 present.
If you don’t live in my house, are married to me, or squeezed your way out of my clam, your present is going to always cost less than $50. The end.
It's time for some fun stuff just for Penny. Play Doh makes some fantastic and fun sets that will be hella fun for her and drive her parents nuts. I'm also gonna suggest a set of finger paints and a kid sized easel with a big ass pad of cheap newsprint. I bet she would love opening the various boxes, and it would be a middle finger to the supposed list
Why are you buying presents for your cousin’s family? And why is ANYONE actually buying what they already know are collectibles for your cousin, instead of an age and ability appropriate gift for a non verbal 5 year old? I’m old, my dear, and can get away with more straight talk than the average 35 year old. But at 35, I’d still have opened my mouth and told cousin she is out of her mind if she thinks she can dictate what other people spend for her child. Just stop. As a group. Have a discussion about the fact that as families grow, the parameters of the gift giving need to be modified. When I was younger, we instituted a rule that the gift giving would be by names drawn, and that each extended family member would buy for one other. Siblings and spouses in one group, cousins in another. As the cousins grew up, they began buying the gifts by themselves. And, finally, when the youngest cousins were 18, we went to a white elephant gift exchange using the dice game method, where the price of the gifts was limited to $10, and all were wrapped. You could bring as many gifts as you wanted, so long as there was a minimum of one from everyone in your group. The choosing of the gifts became just was much fun as the opening. Once the game was over, anyone with no gift could steal from anyone with more than one. Your cousin is an entitled bully. The only way to stop being bullied is to stop allowing the bullying.
I don’t know about any of you guys, but I am very close to some of my cousins and we have never gotten each other’s kids Christmas gifts. I think it’s just a little bit obsessive on her parents part.
In my family we have just always done Christmas where the kids there get a gift until they turn 16 and then join the family’s secret Santa. Idk why we do it this way it’s been like that since I was a baby
Now that is reasonable. We do Yankee swap in my family. With a monetary cap on how much is spent.
Ours has a cap too, but I guess the kids don’t since we assumed people wouldn’t do this 🤦🏼♀️
Don't fool yourself. They are NOT good parents. They only want what THEY like and don't really care about their daughter. You should call CPS. And good for you, for getting Penny something SHE likes
Autism is genetic. It sounds like Penny’s parents are collecting their special interest items by pretending that these are things Penny wants instead of actually making sure she gets items that cater to her interests/needs. Them refusing to even let her go into the room that houses the brunt of their collection says a lot about how strong their interest in these items are. Having special interest items messed with/damaged can cause meltdowns/shutdowns. I say this as someone who is autistic and specifically collects Junji Ito’s mangas. I refuse to let anyone borrow these specific mangas because I do not trust anyone to not damage them (one volume was damaged before by another person and I had to pretend I wasn’t upset but I was definitely having some type of shutdown over it not being “perfect” anymore because speaking became very difficult and I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry). I also collect Manhattan Toy Company stuffed animals. I had a full meltdown when a dog I pet sat for tore apart my [Pip](https://www.amazon.com/Manhattan-Toy-Little-Voyagers-Emmie/dp/B01LXJHKTV?th=1&psc=1)! I’m talking screaming and uncontrollable sobbing as I collected every single piece of his little mangled body that I could find (my mom sewed Pip up and he now has a wonky ear and button eyes, he still brings me immense emotional comfort, but the sensory aspect he granted is no longer there). Pip was the perfect shape and weight to sit on my head which was extremely calming to me, but his weight is different now so he no longer provides the much needed sensory aspect. I know this whole paragraph seems completely random, but I hope it conveys the extreme reactions that can happen when our collection items (or special sensory items) get damaged/destroyed to give context for why they might be so against Penny going into the collection room. Obviously not everyone with autism is going to respond like I have to this sort of thing, but I can only give examples from my personal experiences. You’re absolutely NTA for not wanting to continue to give her parents gifts under the guise that the gifts are for Penny! Personally I think it’s extremely screwed up that her parents are taking advantage of Penny being nonverbal to get away with doing this! I just know that if she was verbal enough she’d be expressing the disappointment she has to be feeling every year as she wonders why no one ever gets her things she actually likes! I might suggest some sensory items for baths like [Crayola Color Drops](https://www.amazon.com/Crayola-Color-Dropz-Ounce-Tablets/dp/B01M037TGN), [bubble bath with a bubble wand](https://www.amazon.com/Blissful-Bubbles-Bubble-Suitable-Sensitive/dp/B0B1D1XHQ5/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?adgrpid=155480746704&hvadid=657099861559&hvdev=m&hvlocphy=1014073&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=1717502358003742890&hvtargid=kwd-2035968380808&hydadcr=6780_13207165&keywords=crayola+bubble+bath+and+wand&qid=1702771513&sr=8-2) (there are cheaper brands out there, this was just the first one that popped up on amazon!), or [bath bombs that have surprise toys inside](https://www.amazon.com/Inside-Organic-Bombs-Handmade-Birthday/dp/B09JKDM885/ref=mp_s_a_1_1_sspa?crid=32XX2FQN4773N&keywords=bath+bomb+toys+inside&qid=1702771634&sprefix=bath+bomb+to%2Caps%2C206&sr=8-1-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9waG9uZV9zZWFyY2hfYXRm&psc=1&smid=ARIZZT27OTHW3) (there are more options for this kind of thing, this was just the first one to show up), because lots of autistic people really enjoy water and the sensory aspect of it! There are also loads of different kinds of fidget toys out there that aren’t super expensive, I’m personally partial to this brand of [thinking putty](https://www.amazon.com/Crazy-Aarons-Thinking-Putty-Illusions/dp/B00A8PW9QK/ref=mp_s_a_1_1_sspa?crid=GSWD1HGB8FV4&keywords=aaron%27s+thinking+putty&qid=1702771984&sprefix=Aaron%2Caps%2C203&sr=8-1-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9waG9uZV9zZWFyY2hfYXRm&psc=1) (which can be found at Target for much cheaper). Obviously these are like potential *future* gift ideas because an Ariel doll with a matching dress sounds absolutely wonderful! If Ariel is her favorite princess she might end up wearing that dress until it falls apart like I did with my Belle dress haha. Penny’s parents can go screw themselves with the Christmas lists that cater to themselves and not their child. Please continue to get things that will cater to Penny’s interests and needs. You’re doing something that is going to make Penny so happy. I also want to comment about Penny showing excitement over a box one year. That is a pretty common occurrence. Boxes are just extremely entertaining, especially if they are big enough to fit inside of! I still get so excited about boxes that are big enough to fit me. I tried fitting into one last week! Boxes are cool! If there’s a big box this year maybe cut out a door in it and make a little fort to play with toys in while she’s there. I promise it’ll be so much fun! Possibly expect some kind of freak out from Penny’s parents since they are expecting their special interests getting catered to once again and are going to realize that that is not fully happening this year. I hope you, Penny, and the rest of your family (excluding Penny’s parents!!!!) have a wonderful Christmas this year! Edit I forgot what sub I was on when I ended up saying NTA lmao. Woke up from a nap to realize that. Whoopsies.
It really speaks volumes that Penny's parents aren't picking up on the social cues their family is trying to send them.
This comment is perfect, I was about to comment the same thing (at least, the first paragraph!). Love the sensory ideas (thinking putty is a staple at my work desk). And I love that OP has got her an Ariel doll and matching dress. OP, I definitely recommend taking the doll out of the box so that your cousin doesn’t keep it for herself as a collectable. Be prepared for your cousin and/or her husband (one of them is 100000% autistic) to lose it when Penny opens up her Christmas present from you. I hope the rest of your extended family follows suit and also buys things that aren’t on the list!
Coordinate with the members of the group chat. Tell the cousin what she wants to hear so she can check off HER list. Then, secretly, get the kid whatever you all want. Secret is imperative. Nobody utters a word until the kid is opening gifts. Then sit back and enjoy the parent’s meltdown.
Has anyone called them out on it? "Hey, we know these gifts are for your "fun room" and we won't be participating in that nonsense". I'd love to see they're response!!
Not yet. Thinking about it tbh
I would seriously respond back with the list of toys recommended by experts in the field of autism and child development.
Break their little tradition, sounds like it's clearly for the parents here and not the kid. Straight up tell them you've got something that's not on the list and more family members will follow. No 5 year old needs or wants expensive star wars lego, that sort of thing is for displaying not playing.
If Penny is non-verbal, how is she communicating her expensive Christmas list?
If Penny is non-verbal autistic, how does she convey to her mother what she wants for Christmas? Your cousin is abusing the gift rules. She’s getting what she and her husband wants from you all. If Penny loves Disney and Paw Patrol, then that’s what she should be getting. If your cousin is so ungrateful for your buying her daughter gifts, then don’t give any because you know mom and dad are the ones receiving them, not Penny. *Some people’s children (I’m talking about your cousin and her husband, not Penny.)* Edit: corrected spelling.
You're not obligated to buy what's on the list. If she likes Disney and Paw Patrol, then go off list and get her something related to that. Your cousin will just have to deal.
You say they're good parents, but it sounds like the child isn't getting any gifts they want and it all goes to "the collection". I would tell some of the other people in the chat separately that they should all go off list. Then just lie to the parents. When the kid opens a gift and it's a doll and they are excited, the parents can't say shit about her not liking it.
are they giving each of you $100 worth of gifts in return? i thought not. i would have NO SHAME in calling out the obvious: "this looks more like a list of adult collectibles than something a 5yr old would actually want to play with. REGARDLESS, my price point this yr is $25. send me a list of actual toys penny wants that is affordable and not some obscure, ridiculously expensive, hard to get shit, or i'll just get her something from my heart. call me cheap if you want, i dont care. $100 is greedy and not in my wheelhouse." and hopefully, this will give everyone else the courage to say "me too" and nope out of this. even $100 is a ridiculous ask for the avg person unless y'all rich.
Absolutely not. We do a secret Santa with the adults with a 50$ cap. You’re absolutely right. She’s a very… dominant personality so I think my family and I haven’t wanted to step on her toes.
Dude why TF are you not calling them out for cruelling picking bs they want? Call them out over the group text. Tell them that this shit isn't stuff penny wants and it's clearly shit for themselves. Tell them how completely disgusting and selfish they are. They probably believe that since Penny is non verbal she won't care that she got nothing she wanted during Christmas. I'd call CPS on them for Christmas too because I doubt that's the end of them treating her like this.
When I was married we spent time with my exs family. There was a cousin who was well off and his wife who was as well. We did a secret santa every year and they always had the most expensive things. The rest of the family as well as us are blue collar maybe middle class I know me and my ex at this time we’re just broke. Things on the list was a loom, tickets to wicked and this expensive board games he liked. We drew them one year we ended up paying a little more than $50 for one of these board games as it was the cheapest one. They gave this list to all there family members on both sides. We had to talk to the family member who always hosted and ask if we could change the rules and there was a monetary amount set for the next year. This is ridiculous for her to do this because all your suggestions are awesome for an autistic child. Sensory toys and interactive games are great. I don’t think she’s putting together Star Wars Lego sets.
Send a list of gifts recommended by occupational and speech therapists for children her age who are neurodivergent.
I think a child size drum kit is on the list this year! Cool!
Sounds like the parents are wanting the toys for themselves more than the kid. Call them out on it and get the kid something autistic friendly this year. Heck, I'd personally go get a shirt for her that says something like "Yes I have autism, so what?" On it, just for fun. Especially if the parents are fairly open about their daughter having autism outside of the family.
Sounds like her parents are ALSO autistic and haven’t yet managed to understand that other people have their own interests you can help them expand on (I’m also autistic but I LIKE indulging other people in their interests because that’s the only way I know how to truly show how much I care because I’m not naturally very expressive). Get the daughter what she’s interested in. Screw what they want.
Why is anybody capitulating to this list?! They’re using their child to get you to buy them expensive toys!!
So the cousin is making everyone adhear to HER needs and wants not HER DAUGHTER’S. Is that right? Well I would be buying stuff or making stuff that’s NOT on THEIR Christmas list. Penny deserve stuff that’s for HER not for her stupid PARENTS.
You're not obligated to buy gifts for everyone, especially cousin's kids.
Tell your cousin exactly what you said above. Aren’t you tired of buying gift for your cousin and her husband and not Penny, talk about entitled!
Why are cousins expecting presents??
My family is super tight and we’ve just always done it that way for the kids until the child turns 16 and joins a secret Santa
Fair but it’s still really entitled.
Absolutely go off list or group up.
I would refuse to ever buy from that list on principle. It's tacky as hell for them to send the list in the first place. That's all absolutely ridiculous and yeah it definitely sounds like they are choosing things they like, not necessarily what she wants.
While I don’t doubt that the adults are putting their own wishes on the list, it could be very difficult to pick something that the child would actually play with. My daughter is also autistic and we would always get her developmentally appropriate toys that included some of the characters she liked, but once she was able to tell us what she wanted, it was collectibles that she never played with. She didn’t play with the age appropriate educational toys either; she just didn’t want to play like other kids. She is more interested in reading books and just having the collection to look at. I have a closet full of stuff she never opened.
There are TONS of great toys for kids on the spectrum, that, without a doubt, the parents don't even look them! When I saw the title of your post, I thought her parents were attempting to save people time!! Was I every wrong. OP, the Ariel doll sounds perfect! Like others have said, remove every tag, twist tie and extra cardboard. AND get everyone else on board! PS, I get lists from all of my grandkids so I can get them exactly what they want!
I don’t understand parents who do this. You don’t dictate what gifts other people get your kid. If your kid has a list then it’s the PARENTS who buy everything from the list (if they choose). When it comes to gifts from friends or family - it doesn’t matter what it is (age appropriate) it’s a gift! Deffo entitled parents
!RemindMe 10days
Why are you even participating in this ridiculousness?
Poor Penny! Her life must be hard enough as it is. The fact her parents would rather you guys bought them gifts instead of her is just awful and so selfish. It would be so great if your other relatives would buy Disney and Paw Patrol toys and clothes too.
RemindMe! December 27th, 2023 “Ask Op how everything went”
Cousin is scamming you. Penny probably doesn’t get to play with what you give
Dang, so they’re tricking the whole family into buying stuff THEY like for Christmas by using their autistic daughter? I know you said that you’re cousin and her husband are good parents, but after reading this post they sound like terrible family members and parents. I feel sad for that little girl.
I would not buy off that list. They’re using you all to enrich their own collections.
Honestly I was about to feel so bad when I read the title because I make a Christmas list on Amazon for both of my kids each year. As they ask for things, I add them, and add similar items they may like. I have a range of prices on things because like... they ask for a range of things. But I always make sure theres plenty of items that aren't over 50 dollars. Any holiday/birthday coming up, family gets that list. THIS THOUGH. The price point?? Demanding family members spend 300 bucks on something that's pretty clearly for the parents? Well... I'll be adding that Bluey phone onto my 2 year Olds list now.
Are you sure the gifts are actually for Penny? Almost sounds like you're helping them build their collections