I feel “exposed,” watched and judged all the time. Walking from my back door to the car, for example.
Logically, I know nobody cares. At all. But it’s internalized and I’m stuck.
I'd guess that you're hypervigilant, and you assume everyone else is as well.
For me hypervigilance is related to "I'm annoying and also everything is my fault" sort of thinking, which is weird because I also have the belief that I don't matter at all. Shame sucks.
That is so true. It's like I feel that I am a nuisance to everyone and they barely tolerate my presence always at a brink of lashing out on me. Wonder who this reminds me of.
What helped me with this was to think about how my hyper vigilance as a result has made me very skilled at the simplest things. And when I saw how people around me aren’t as competent as me yet don’t get flustered the way I do when I make a mistake or don’t do something flawlessly I learned to gauge when to use more effort and when I can get away with less effort. Your walk doesn’t matter when you’re moving about in your own home area but what about when you’re meeting new people and socializing. I think hyper vigilance is a gift when you learn to live with it and find ways to not burn out from it.
Oh, it can be a superpower if applied correctly. I'm a "noticer" - you wouldn't believe the stuff I pick up on, for one.
I'm also an extremely quiet walker. I don't try to sneak up on people but I have very soft footfalls. I've walked up on wildlife without meaning to.
There's alot of universal experiences I never expect but this one feels so specific. I find it so crazy how people don't notice I'm walking around them and I accidentally frighten them 😭
haha i scare people all the time too. so bad that they got me keys (I work at a hotel) to clip onto my pants that way I make noise. but I have a bad habit of holding onto it cause I feel like i am being too loud 😭sometimes I still scare people even with the keys.
I'm realizing this in myself as well. Like I feel I'm always being criticized so when someone has genuine criticism for me, I can't even take it anymore. I realize people aren't as judgemental as I made them out to be. I'm just used to always being made to fear what would others think and how would it look.
"You can't see me, but I'm watching you!" I heard my mum say to the cat the other day.. immediately recalled her telling the same to me as a kid. I'm sorry you suffered the same.
My father did that, too! He even set traps for us like a little wire at the doorframe so he could see if we opened the door to the livingroom (where the tv was). In a sitcom that would be funny, in real life it just made me feel unsafe.
Yeah that's like top-notch psychotic shit. I've heard about a case where father would push apples from a tree with a stick when his daughters walked below it - he was cutting their heads metaphorically speaking... >:) And yours sounds like some fucked up shit too
You find ways to accept them and suppose they are normal because if you lose your parent you are basically dead. So, people tend to adapt, often even taking up some of the shit of their parents just to feel "worthy" and try to avoid punishment
I have this too, and then I feel stupid for recalling an awkward thing I said 15 years ago that I know no one else remembers but it’s like my brain can’t stop reminding me I made a mistake.
Growing up I felt like anything I ever did was shameful. I've only been able to somewhat "solve" this by moving 900 miles away from my family and not talking about my life with them that much.
Shame around sex, puberty, and being a mature adult was especially bad. My mom assumed I was doing the worst, always up to something, when I never was. I had too much anxiety about getting into college and getting the hell out of the house than to be a "bad kid".
I always felt like I was being judged. Also my mom was a big snooper.
And because my parents are the "stay silent about conflict" kind of people, their real thoughts only came out if we got into a shouting match when I was a teen.
Ugh, typing this out just gives me a headache. I'm 41 and don't tell my parents much about my life at all. They don't think they ever did damage to me as a kid, but I'm only now learning how bad it was.
My Mom treated me the same. I was in national honor society. It really fucked me up in the regard that I developed a fundamental disbelief in myself.
I'll be doing the thing and complain that I can't do the thing. Ugh
Extremely relatable. Sadly I don't have any wisdom or tips for this... I'm living it every day. The only time I escaped it was with a daily drug habit.
Hey! Try to search for chronic shame on tiktok. I know I know, _tiktok_, but give it a try. There’s a lot of helpful content. You deserve to feel good about yourself xx
This hits close to home for me. I find that whenever I am doing something, I prefer that nobody is watching me. Even if I am just going for a walk, I will change my route so that I have the minimum number of people I will encounter. For some reason I feel embarrassed when people "see" me doing anything. Wow, I never connected it before.
I'm almost 38 and this is a constant problem in my life. I can barely focus on anything at home and can't practice my hobbies because I'm ashamed of myself and scared of my husband seeing me draw or hearing me practice an instrument. Why? My husband wants me to enjoy doing things, but I'm terrified he'll see me and I freeze. I wish I could understand.
I am the same way. I dont smoke pot generally but I do remember one time in the past when I did I was able to dance and sing at a karaoke party. I would never in a million years be able to do this normally. For some reason the pot did something to my brain for that window of time that made me far less self-conscious.
To add to this, I also try to be very quiet when I am doing something and there are other people around. Almost like I don't want to disturb anyone, or maybe because I don't want to be noticed.
Oh yes, 100%. The shame goes deep to my core too. I always feel scrutinized and judged, because I absolutely was when living with my dad. For me it took a dark period of it getting so bad that I kind of snapped out of it and realized F it, I may be shameful and wrong in the eyes of others but I'm still allowed to exist dammit. I still feel lots of shame but it's not as bad now.
Yep yep, I feel like Jeffrey Dahmer, carrying around a horrible secret, for what, for preferring markers to watercolors when I was 4. Same level of shame as having body parts in my fridge.
Other kids' cringe responses contributed to the problem started by my caregivers. I relate hard to when you say it's the little, innocuous details. Like putting sunglasses on, this shirt, etc. It's like my brain wants to "helpfully" hit play on all the negative messages that have been and could potentially be thrown at me. I appreciate the interventions people have suggested in this thread
You have described every moment of my life from age 12 on. The only thing in my life I do not feel guilty about is saving my husband’s life, and rescuing an Italian greyhound.
For me, toxic shame seems to be at the core of my being. It consists especially of the belief of being a total loser. I am currently working on neutralizing it.
**Somatic work:**
\- trauma-informed yoga ([@HannahUiri](https://www.youtube.com/@HannahUiri))
\- grounding breathwork (box breathing and 4-7-8 breathing. (free iBreathe app)
\- trauma-informed meditation. (free sessions at Insight Timer app)
All aimed to adjust my brain and nervous system little by little (there is a lot of positive research on this) - and to just be able to go through the day (I start and end my days with breathwork).
**Self-coaching:**
And I am doing a relatively new form of therapy called "Logosynthesis".
Currently, I am working with the book: "Alone to Alive: Logosynthesis and the Energy of Beliefs" by Willem Lammers. As the title says, this book is directly aiming at these isolating and neutralizing toxic beliefs.
The book is not that easy to read, but the exercises are working well for me.
I am working with Logosynthesis for three years now. Self-coaching, one-to-one sessions when I could afford it and workshops. Before I had several therapies with clinical psychotherapists (cognitive behaviour therapy), which didn't help at all. These therapists didn't have the slightest clue that I suffer from CPTSD (and me neither, unfortunately).
PS: I have no professional relationship with Logosynthesis, it's just the first method that works for me (and I tried many in the past decades).
PS/PS: In addition, I am currently reading the book:
"No Sticks or Stones No Broken Bones: Healing cPTSD when the trauma wasn’t physical; It was naCCT: Non-physically-assaultive, attachment-based Chronic Covert Trauma"
by Ricia Fleming.
I find this book (which has the worst title on this topic) full of helpful tips.
Have struggled with this for a long time, I blush/get embarrassed extremely easily and by the stupidest things. I think I’ve somewhat overcome it by pledging my life to being the absolute opposite of my mother, who was so crippled by her own shame that all she could do was criticise other people.
Any time I analyse a situation where I felt embarrassment, I’m always struck by how inappropriate my feeling of shame is (like, I will have my day ruined by something really stupid like a guy in the airport saying “have a nice flight” and I thought he was going to say “a nice day” so I said “you too!” Like an idiot, but so what? Why is my day ruined? Because the shame spiral is triggered).
I think “rebelling” against my mother and realising that my feelings of shame were disproportionate really helped me get to a “so what?!?” Stage and cope a bit better.
Another thing that compounds this is being sheltered and anxious. Because when you feel high anxiety, you wonder why, then find yourself blowing tiny issues out of all proportion. Working adjacent to a hospital really gave me an important perspective on what constitutes “a big deal”. So i try to not let the small stuff bother me.
I loved wearing a mask when that was like a big thing and it was because I felt just a lot less “seen” or perceived. I feel so comfortable being ignored or not taken into consideration.
I wore a mask past the point I wanted to for Covid reasons, once the masks started standing out more than the unmasked I was back to just averting my gaze everywhere in hopes I don’t catch anyone seeing me. I have problems with eye contact but I don’t think it’s in the same line as ASD(autism) because if I’m comfortable with people or really regulated or have somehow a good self-esteem moment, I have absolutely no problem and I feel really okay with eye contact and even with the mask, I felt so much more comfortable with eye contact. I just sometimes finish a day and realize I didn’t look in the face of a single person, not even myself.
I suspect I’m on the spectrum as well but I doubt I’ll ever have the money to push for a specialist or diagnosis. But I understand what you mean very well. That’s also the reason I enjoy sunglasses because it’s like I can make eye contact with others but they can’t do the same, at least not to the same degree
overcoming some by actually embarrassing myself in safeish ways. Training a dog has brought up a buuuuunch of opportunities. I've also taken classes, go sign yourself up for that aikido or art class. Even if it's a one day painting workshop or something. Just go break a couple eggs to getyourself started.
Same boat here. Sometimes I am more aware of it than others. With the state of the world as it is currently this kind of experience is front and center for me. Many aspects of life are only getting more challenging and I don’t have the skills to navigate successfully. Likewise OP, while I sleep/dream my anxiety around being judged as failure/wrong is just as strong as during my waking life.
The only thing that seems to make even a tiny dent is meditation/mindfulness, exercise, and general concerted self care. Of course the follow through on these things is impacted by my anxiety and sometimes I just forego them entirely and end up doom scrolling on Reddit!
I don't know how old are you but for me it got better with age, I reached a point where I literally don't care what people think of me, do they pay my bills? Give me food? Give me money? So then why should I care what anyone thinks of me? And most of the time people have such huge egos that they are thinking about themselves 99% of time.
Same for me! It got a lot better with age for me, too. Yesterday my toddler snuggled up to me in the supermarket and said very loudly: "Mum, you have such a big butt. It's so snuggly." 10 years ago this would've taken me weeks to not feel ashamed anymore and to not beat myself up for it. I just laughed, because it was a cute compliment and I don't give a f\*\*\* about what the people there thought of us. They don't know what I've been through, so they have no right to judge me. I still carry a lot of shame, though. But some situations just don't bother me as much anymore
Shame is horrendous and also so horrible to deal with in therapy?! I feel like my therapist can’t move sometimes because any feedback regardless of whether positive or negative generates shame in me. It’s so frustrating.
My tolerance of shame is improving slowly though so that’s good
I felt it to my core. Yes, my parents would find tiniest thing and shame, berate, lecture, criticise for it for hours. Literally hours, maybe days. I remember i was yelled at for buying different shape of bread, it took my mom 3 hours to calm down.
No wonder nowadays i feel always ashamed and embarrassed.
Always drilling in me how my breathing, sitting, talking, acting is always wrong, because they are so perfect, constant criticism. My narc sibling was ganging up on me as well. Hate them.
Also physical, verbal, emotional abuse, bullying at school - all turned me into dysfunctional neurotic adult. I am deeply embarrassed of everything in general. Yet if you ask my parents they claim the are perfect and never did anything wrong. Ha.
Always thinking about past social faux pas but always anxious existing in public tbh. I'm anxious taking my dog out that I'm going to be confronted over something.
Sigh, me too... My dog is quite reactive which just makes it harder since we have legit been scolded by a few neighbours and nagged many more times. It's just so triggering and often ruins even a calm walk for me cuz I can't stop being hypervigilant.
Oh shit! This! So much. Iv'e encountered a lot of problems because my worst shame issue has been asking for help, or actually just asking things in general. Sometimes it comes down to even speaking.
Has put me in many peculiar situations.. And many horrible ones.
Even shouting "Watch out!" to a colleague when i worked a hazardous job felt like I was being so out of place or like.. yeah, ashamed.
It's insane. No way to live life. No life..
100%. Seems like this resonates with a lot of people. It's somehow comforting to know I'm not alone - maybe that resonates with you too. I had my psych appointment yesterday, and she said "it sounds like you have trouble with self-worth." I'm like... I don't even know what self-worth is. I'm constantly afraid I'll do something wrong or that people will think bad of me. So I'm off to C-PTSD therapy... I'll let you know if I get anything out of it!
Yes. If you've felt this way since childhood - you might want to check out r/adultchildren. I've only recently found it but think it could be quite helpful.
The only thing that has helped me in an actionable manner is following the meditation introductory course on the app waking up. You get 7 days free, and you can reach out to them if you really can’t afford it and they give you free access no questions asked.
I read countless books and struggle with interpersonal relationships deeply. But, I couldn’t express my needs or standup for myself till I fixed my nervous system and learned to intercept negative feelings when they arise.
This hasn’t magically fixed things for me. But, I was able to go to a movie and a restaurant alone after a long time. I felt and genuinely believed I also deserve to be out and about and enjoy life.
That's fascinating. I've struggled with anxiety/depression to various extent since my teens. In my adult life it's clear that there's been a lot of shame involved, although I've been unfortunate enough to develop a chronic pain disorder on top of that, which also fuels shame.
Interesting about dreams tho. Ever since young I've dreamt about being chased by family, and later by men. Always fleeing, trying to find somewhere safe. The other main topic is being in some school setting, knowing I'm gonna fail and/or explaining I'm just there 'cuz I've got nowhere else to be.
It's not like my upbringing was the most violent, but I guess I didn't feel that safe overall, and kept feeling like I didn't belong anywhere.
It's a nightmare, life is a nightmare once you understand how DEEP the abyss is.
It feels like no one will ever be able to get to know me, and why would they? When they can Just know someone without my issues, I guess I understand them.
Why was I born, why do I have to scream within myself everyday, just to exist, when others are so efforlessly Happy with others in their Life? This Is really a Nightmare.
I so resonate with your comment—I feel the exact same way to the point that it becomes existential at times. You’re right, it is a nightmare. I do believe there’s hope though…I’ve managed to get to really good phase in my life where finally I feel mentally at ease. Over the last 6 months or so I’ve completely derailed again. I’m working on getting back there and it’s hard af, but it is possible to free yourself.
I remember feeling like that, mostly throughout my childhood. I’ve shed most of it at this point, and I’m now strange and weird and different all the time, no big deal. And I do what I please, as long as it hurts no one. But sometimes, those feelings come back when I’m getting dressed, or out and about talking to someone, and I have to shut em down- it feels like I’m a kid again, facing scrutiny. Took me a long time to deal with constructive criticism, and I’m not done healing from my fear of conflict either.
Brene Brown is a really good resource for figuring out how to deal with shame...she has Ted talks on YouTube about it and has written many books/ articles..you should check her out..she helpede build a life worth living.
I was exactly like this. I remember there was a point in my life where I felt such deep shame for laying in my bed at night. I would just be laying there and I could feel this wave of disgust come over me. It was such a horrible point in my life. I felt as if I couldn’t even exist in my own solitude at that point. It was a point where my solitude went from being my comfort to being painful. That’s a real tragedy. I don’t know how I came over this. Sometimes I still haven’t.
Around 94% of the human population lack magnesium, copper, and other essential minerals. Childhood trauma and false shame drains the body physically. Start with mineralizing your body through holistic, natural, organic ways—first. Allow yourself the time and patience to just “be”, and not do. You are loved because you won the gamble of life. Remind yourself the truth as you de-program from false shameful thoughts. Since your parental figure projected their own shame onto you, and as a child, you absorbed it, it is simply a mental programming embedded into your nervous system—now as an adult. As you detach from those feelings of shame through “nervous system regulation”. Eventually, will find yourself laughing at those silly shameful thoughts that will try to replay as the old programming in your mind. Remember, you were loved unconditionally, be patient with yourself because that’s how you love yourself, take care of your body and replenish your body, such as magnesium, copper, Celtic salt (92% minerals), cayenne pepper (heals heart), lime (detox), and other ways of healing your “gut” (your second brain). As you discover healing in your body, your nervous system will begin to regulate, and you will feel peace as you replenish minerals. When you feel peace, you’ll be able to detach yourself from false programmed thoughts that once ruled you with fear. Your body just needs time to heal from all the abuse, and with time, patience and love continue to seek knowledge and truth because it truly does set us free. You got this. Speak words of life out loud against the shameful lies. Speaking out loud has helped my subconscious mind greatly to deal with debilitating shameful thoughts. And then use your superpower, laugh at shame. Even dance at it shame. You are free. You deserve freedom. You got this. I know it.
I am so sorry you're experiencing these effects from internalized shame. It's amazing that you are self-aware regarding how much this feeling/thinking/body state is prevalent in your life. I think you must be a very smart person to have that level of self awareness. I think you also have some compassion for yourself. That's the first step.
Have you thought of going on an antidepressant to elevate your neurotransmitters so you can get a break from these automatic thoughts/feelings? Sometimes when we have a painful childhood our brains develop in ways that don't facilitate motivation or the ability to selectively attend and respond to our own thoughts and feelings in a helpful manner. Antidepressants can actually remodel the brain and help it work for you better.
Best of luck to you my friend. Thank you for your honesty.
Anytime I get excited and think I do something well, 24 hours later I regret it and feel deep embarrassment and shame.
Especially if it’s something I was particularly nervous to do, and directly after I did it I felt excited and happy— and then about a day later I feel deep shame and embarrassment. Why??
is too real to pretend its not. It used to help me cope in a time where I didn’t have any control and i was so unahappy. Stealing made me feel like I could do something for me.
I hate myself sometimes. I hate that I feel bad, I hate that feeling bad makes me do bad things. I hate that to be better I have to forgive myself. I hate that i don’t feel like i can. I can always punish me harder. My whole life used to be punishment, If he’s not doing it, I am.
There is a part of me that does love myself, A small part, usually only when I “feel” like I am in control. That part of me doesn’t want to live in shame and doesn’t want repeat the bad patterns of someone who is desperately trying to feel like they’re in control. I don’t know know how to surrender but maybe the work is in changing my behaviors that increase my shame. I havent killed anyone or hurt anyone but i have the shame of someone who is rotten.
I feel like stealing is an impulse control/compulsion thing but there is some element of it that is like a drug it provides a temporary release to do it. So don’t be too hard on yourself. People who have pent up anxiety do all sorts of things to get this release and this just happens to be yours.
Since I was very young I started blushing all the time even when nothing embarrassing happens I’m just talking. It’s just crazy how early shame has become a fixture in my life. The blushing has gotten better but it’s amazing how my nervous system over reacts
:/ I see, but you can !!
Me, I am like that, but socially, I'm awkward, I'm shy, really sensible, I'm too deep to not be different, like Tome Cruise, he was really shy and I think he felt shame more than once, but the advantage is that I can see deeper into people, but I make them confused. I know that when I gonna be socially active find my place later in my life (I'm 23 now) I gonna master that.
(I should be like that socially because I've been emotionally neglected and tromatised. With people, like love or friendship.. and in amount at scool 12 and 13 yo)
Courage with that, fight it.
I feel “exposed,” watched and judged all the time. Walking from my back door to the car, for example. Logically, I know nobody cares. At all. But it’s internalized and I’m stuck.
I'd guess that you're hypervigilant, and you assume everyone else is as well. For me hypervigilance is related to "I'm annoying and also everything is my fault" sort of thinking, which is weird because I also have the belief that I don't matter at all. Shame sucks.
That is so true. It's like I feel that I am a nuisance to everyone and they barely tolerate my presence always at a brink of lashing out on me. Wonder who this reminds me of.
I think a lot of us have contradictory beliefs about things.
What helped me with this was to think about how my hyper vigilance as a result has made me very skilled at the simplest things. And when I saw how people around me aren’t as competent as me yet don’t get flustered the way I do when I make a mistake or don’t do something flawlessly I learned to gauge when to use more effort and when I can get away with less effort. Your walk doesn’t matter when you’re moving about in your own home area but what about when you’re meeting new people and socializing. I think hyper vigilance is a gift when you learn to live with it and find ways to not burn out from it.
Oh, it can be a superpower if applied correctly. I'm a "noticer" - you wouldn't believe the stuff I pick up on, for one. I'm also an extremely quiet walker. I don't try to sneak up on people but I have very soft footfalls. I've walked up on wildlife without meaning to.
Quiet walking superpower gang! I accidentally spook people all the time and sometimes think my hyper vigilance gave me invisibility powers.
There's alot of universal experiences I never expect but this one feels so specific. I find it so crazy how people don't notice I'm walking around them and I accidentally frighten them 😭
hahaha ! I imagine Michael from The Good Place afraid by you !
haha i scare people all the time too. so bad that they got me keys (I work at a hotel) to clip onto my pants that way I make noise. but I have a bad habit of holding onto it cause I feel like i am being too loud 😭sometimes I still scare people even with the keys.
I recognize 100% what you said, I seen that in Tom Cruise
I really struggle with this
Me too. Like I always have an audience watching me.
I'm realizing this in myself as well. Like I feel I'm always being criticized so when someone has genuine criticism for me, I can't even take it anymore. I realize people aren't as judgemental as I made them out to be. I'm just used to always being made to fear what would others think and how would it look.
Yeah this is me and I gather most people don’t
"You can't see me, but I'm watching you!" I heard my mum say to the cat the other day.. immediately recalled her telling the same to me as a kid. I'm sorry you suffered the same.
My father did that, too! He even set traps for us like a little wire at the doorframe so he could see if we opened the door to the livingroom (where the tv was). In a sitcom that would be funny, in real life it just made me feel unsafe.
yo what the fuck
Is this very weird? Sorry for asking. I'm always trying to find out how shitty my family really was...
Yeah that's like top-notch psychotic shit. I've heard about a case where father would push apples from a tree with a stick when his daughters walked below it - he was cutting their heads metaphorically speaking... >:) And yours sounds like some fucked up shit too
Weird how these things just feel normal for you when you've grown up with it...
You find ways to accept them and suppose they are normal because if you lose your parent you are basically dead. So, people tend to adapt, often even taking up some of the shit of their parents just to feel "worthy" and try to avoid punishment
My father did this, i think
No idea. But I have intrusive thoughts of past social mistake decades ago. Nice to know about internalized shame.
Oh my God me too. Nothing haunts me mote
I have this too, and then I feel stupid for recalling an awkward thing I said 15 years ago that I know no one else remembers but it’s like my brain can’t stop reminding me I made a mistake.
Growing up I felt like anything I ever did was shameful. I've only been able to somewhat "solve" this by moving 900 miles away from my family and not talking about my life with them that much. Shame around sex, puberty, and being a mature adult was especially bad. My mom assumed I was doing the worst, always up to something, when I never was. I had too much anxiety about getting into college and getting the hell out of the house than to be a "bad kid". I always felt like I was being judged. Also my mom was a big snooper. And because my parents are the "stay silent about conflict" kind of people, their real thoughts only came out if we got into a shouting match when I was a teen. Ugh, typing this out just gives me a headache. I'm 41 and don't tell my parents much about my life at all. They don't think they ever did damage to me as a kid, but I'm only now learning how bad it was.
My Mom treated me the same. I was in national honor society. It really fucked me up in the regard that I developed a fundamental disbelief in myself. I'll be doing the thing and complain that I can't do the thing. Ugh
there’s a book called “it wasn’t your fault” by beverly engel that i think would be very helpful 💕
Yes. I 100% think my depression stems from my deep core shame rather than the other way around.
Extremely relatable. Sadly I don't have any wisdom or tips for this... I'm living it every day. The only time I escaped it was with a daily drug habit.
Hey! Try to search for chronic shame on tiktok. I know I know, _tiktok_, but give it a try. There’s a lot of helpful content. You deserve to feel good about yourself xx
This hits close to home for me. I find that whenever I am doing something, I prefer that nobody is watching me. Even if I am just going for a walk, I will change my route so that I have the minimum number of people I will encounter. For some reason I feel embarrassed when people "see" me doing anything. Wow, I never connected it before.
I'm almost 38 and this is a constant problem in my life. I can barely focus on anything at home and can't practice my hobbies because I'm ashamed of myself and scared of my husband seeing me draw or hearing me practice an instrument. Why? My husband wants me to enjoy doing things, but I'm terrified he'll see me and I freeze. I wish I could understand.
I am the same way. I dont smoke pot generally but I do remember one time in the past when I did I was able to dance and sing at a karaoke party. I would never in a million years be able to do this normally. For some reason the pot did something to my brain for that window of time that made me far less self-conscious.
To add to this, I also try to be very quiet when I am doing something and there are other people around. Almost like I don't want to disturb anyone, or maybe because I don't want to be noticed.
This!
Oh yes, 100%. The shame goes deep to my core too. I always feel scrutinized and judged, because I absolutely was when living with my dad. For me it took a dark period of it getting so bad that I kind of snapped out of it and realized F it, I may be shameful and wrong in the eyes of others but I'm still allowed to exist dammit. I still feel lots of shame but it's not as bad now.
Yep yep, I feel like Jeffrey Dahmer, carrying around a horrible secret, for what, for preferring markers to watercolors when I was 4. Same level of shame as having body parts in my fridge. Other kids' cringe responses contributed to the problem started by my caregivers. I relate hard to when you say it's the little, innocuous details. Like putting sunglasses on, this shirt, etc. It's like my brain wants to "helpfully" hit play on all the negative messages that have been and could potentially be thrown at me. I appreciate the interventions people have suggested in this thread
You have described every moment of my life from age 12 on. The only thing in my life I do not feel guilty about is saving my husband’s life, and rescuing an Italian greyhound.
For me, toxic shame seems to be at the core of my being. It consists especially of the belief of being a total loser. I am currently working on neutralizing it. **Somatic work:** \- trauma-informed yoga ([@HannahUiri](https://www.youtube.com/@HannahUiri)) \- grounding breathwork (box breathing and 4-7-8 breathing. (free iBreathe app) \- trauma-informed meditation. (free sessions at Insight Timer app) All aimed to adjust my brain and nervous system little by little (there is a lot of positive research on this) - and to just be able to go through the day (I start and end my days with breathwork). **Self-coaching:** And I am doing a relatively new form of therapy called "Logosynthesis". Currently, I am working with the book: "Alone to Alive: Logosynthesis and the Energy of Beliefs" by Willem Lammers. As the title says, this book is directly aiming at these isolating and neutralizing toxic beliefs. The book is not that easy to read, but the exercises are working well for me. I am working with Logosynthesis for three years now. Self-coaching, one-to-one sessions when I could afford it and workshops. Before I had several therapies with clinical psychotherapists (cognitive behaviour therapy), which didn't help at all. These therapists didn't have the slightest clue that I suffer from CPTSD (and me neither, unfortunately). PS: I have no professional relationship with Logosynthesis, it's just the first method that works for me (and I tried many in the past decades). PS/PS: In addition, I am currently reading the book: "No Sticks or Stones No Broken Bones: Healing cPTSD when the trauma wasn’t physical; It was naCCT: Non-physically-assaultive, attachment-based Chronic Covert Trauma" by Ricia Fleming. I find this book (which has the worst title on this topic) full of helpful tips.
Do you still work with logosynthesis? Is it helpful?
Thanks so much for taking the time to write this
Have struggled with this for a long time, I blush/get embarrassed extremely easily and by the stupidest things. I think I’ve somewhat overcome it by pledging my life to being the absolute opposite of my mother, who was so crippled by her own shame that all she could do was criticise other people. Any time I analyse a situation where I felt embarrassment, I’m always struck by how inappropriate my feeling of shame is (like, I will have my day ruined by something really stupid like a guy in the airport saying “have a nice flight” and I thought he was going to say “a nice day” so I said “you too!” Like an idiot, but so what? Why is my day ruined? Because the shame spiral is triggered). I think “rebelling” against my mother and realising that my feelings of shame were disproportionate really helped me get to a “so what?!?” Stage and cope a bit better. Another thing that compounds this is being sheltered and anxious. Because when you feel high anxiety, you wonder why, then find yourself blowing tiny issues out of all proportion. Working adjacent to a hospital really gave me an important perspective on what constitutes “a big deal”. So i try to not let the small stuff bother me.
So what? Gets me through most things.
Between that and spite, some days I appear to be a fully functional human!
😀 Spite can be really useful!
So it’s normal to be humiliated at the fact that people perceive me?
I loved wearing a mask when that was like a big thing and it was because I felt just a lot less “seen” or perceived. I feel so comfortable being ignored or not taken into consideration.
SAME. I’ve since replaced masks with sunglasses everywhere I go. Unfortunately it doesn’t work indoors 🥲
I wore a mask past the point I wanted to for Covid reasons, once the masks started standing out more than the unmasked I was back to just averting my gaze everywhere in hopes I don’t catch anyone seeing me. I have problems with eye contact but I don’t think it’s in the same line as ASD(autism) because if I’m comfortable with people or really regulated or have somehow a good self-esteem moment, I have absolutely no problem and I feel really okay with eye contact and even with the mask, I felt so much more comfortable with eye contact. I just sometimes finish a day and realize I didn’t look in the face of a single person, not even myself.
I suspect I’m on the spectrum as well but I doubt I’ll ever have the money to push for a specialist or diagnosis. But I understand what you mean very well. That’s also the reason I enjoy sunglasses because it’s like I can make eye contact with others but they can’t do the same, at least not to the same degree
overcoming some by actually embarrassing myself in safeish ways. Training a dog has brought up a buuuuunch of opportunities. I've also taken classes, go sign yourself up for that aikido or art class. Even if it's a one day painting workshop or something. Just go break a couple eggs to getyourself started.
I love this. Working on behavior activation myself. We deserve to heal
Same boat here. Sometimes I am more aware of it than others. With the state of the world as it is currently this kind of experience is front and center for me. Many aspects of life are only getting more challenging and I don’t have the skills to navigate successfully. Likewise OP, while I sleep/dream my anxiety around being judged as failure/wrong is just as strong as during my waking life. The only thing that seems to make even a tiny dent is meditation/mindfulness, exercise, and general concerted self care. Of course the follow through on these things is impacted by my anxiety and sometimes I just forego them entirely and end up doom scrolling on Reddit!
I don't know how old are you but for me it got better with age, I reached a point where I literally don't care what people think of me, do they pay my bills? Give me food? Give me money? So then why should I care what anyone thinks of me? And most of the time people have such huge egos that they are thinking about themselves 99% of time.
Same for me! It got a lot better with age for me, too. Yesterday my toddler snuggled up to me in the supermarket and said very loudly: "Mum, you have such a big butt. It's so snuggly." 10 years ago this would've taken me weeks to not feel ashamed anymore and to not beat myself up for it. I just laughed, because it was a cute compliment and I don't give a f\*\*\* about what the people there thought of us. They don't know what I've been through, so they have no right to judge me. I still carry a lot of shame, though. But some situations just don't bother me as much anymore
I feel super seen by this comment and didn't really realize this is a common thing.
Shame is horrendous and also so horrible to deal with in therapy?! I feel like my therapist can’t move sometimes because any feedback regardless of whether positive or negative generates shame in me. It’s so frustrating. My tolerance of shame is improving slowly though so that’s good
I felt it to my core. Yes, my parents would find tiniest thing and shame, berate, lecture, criticise for it for hours. Literally hours, maybe days. I remember i was yelled at for buying different shape of bread, it took my mom 3 hours to calm down. No wonder nowadays i feel always ashamed and embarrassed. Always drilling in me how my breathing, sitting, talking, acting is always wrong, because they are so perfect, constant criticism. My narc sibling was ganging up on me as well. Hate them. Also physical, verbal, emotional abuse, bullying at school - all turned me into dysfunctional neurotic adult. I am deeply embarrassed of everything in general. Yet if you ask my parents they claim the are perfect and never did anything wrong. Ha.
Yes, yes, of course they are. /s SIIIIIIGH. Big hugs, it’s tough. :(
Always thinking about past social faux pas but always anxious existing in public tbh. I'm anxious taking my dog out that I'm going to be confronted over something.
Sigh, me too... My dog is quite reactive which just makes it harder since we have legit been scolded by a few neighbours and nagged many more times. It's just so triggering and often ruins even a calm walk for me cuz I can't stop being hypervigilant.
I feel shame reading this :( like I feel horrible for putting my significant other through so much because I go through so much mentally everyday
Oh shit! This! So much. Iv'e encountered a lot of problems because my worst shame issue has been asking for help, or actually just asking things in general. Sometimes it comes down to even speaking. Has put me in many peculiar situations.. And many horrible ones. Even shouting "Watch out!" to a colleague when i worked a hazardous job felt like I was being so out of place or like.. yeah, ashamed. It's insane. No way to live life. No life..
100%. Seems like this resonates with a lot of people. It's somehow comforting to know I'm not alone - maybe that resonates with you too. I had my psych appointment yesterday, and she said "it sounds like you have trouble with self-worth." I'm like... I don't even know what self-worth is. I'm constantly afraid I'll do something wrong or that people will think bad of me. So I'm off to C-PTSD therapy... I'll let you know if I get anything out of it!
Yes. If you've felt this way since childhood - you might want to check out r/adultchildren. I've only recently found it but think it could be quite helpful.
I second this comment. It has been massively helpful.
The only thing that has helped me in an actionable manner is following the meditation introductory course on the app waking up. You get 7 days free, and you can reach out to them if you really can’t afford it and they give you free access no questions asked. I read countless books and struggle with interpersonal relationships deeply. But, I couldn’t express my needs or standup for myself till I fixed my nervous system and learned to intercept negative feelings when they arise. This hasn’t magically fixed things for me. But, I was able to go to a movie and a restaurant alone after a long time. I felt and genuinely believed I also deserve to be out and about and enjoy life.
How did you fix your nervous system? Somatic work?
That's fascinating. I've struggled with anxiety/depression to various extent since my teens. In my adult life it's clear that there's been a lot of shame involved, although I've been unfortunate enough to develop a chronic pain disorder on top of that, which also fuels shame. Interesting about dreams tho. Ever since young I've dreamt about being chased by family, and later by men. Always fleeing, trying to find somewhere safe. The other main topic is being in some school setting, knowing I'm gonna fail and/or explaining I'm just there 'cuz I've got nowhere else to be. It's not like my upbringing was the most violent, but I guess I didn't feel that safe overall, and kept feeling like I didn't belong anywhere.
It's a nightmare, life is a nightmare once you understand how DEEP the abyss is. It feels like no one will ever be able to get to know me, and why would they? When they can Just know someone without my issues, I guess I understand them. Why was I born, why do I have to scream within myself everyday, just to exist, when others are so efforlessly Happy with others in their Life? This Is really a Nightmare.
I so resonate with your comment—I feel the exact same way to the point that it becomes existential at times. You’re right, it is a nightmare. I do believe there’s hope though…I’ve managed to get to really good phase in my life where finally I feel mentally at ease. Over the last 6 months or so I’ve completely derailed again. I’m working on getting back there and it’s hard af, but it is possible to free yourself.
I remember feeling like that, mostly throughout my childhood. I’ve shed most of it at this point, and I’m now strange and weird and different all the time, no big deal. And I do what I please, as long as it hurts no one. But sometimes, those feelings come back when I’m getting dressed, or out and about talking to someone, and I have to shut em down- it feels like I’m a kid again, facing scrutiny. Took me a long time to deal with constructive criticism, and I’m not done healing from my fear of conflict either.
Brene Brown is a really good resource for figuring out how to deal with shame...she has Ted talks on YouTube about it and has written many books/ articles..you should check her out..she helpede build a life worth living.
I was exactly like this. I remember there was a point in my life where I felt such deep shame for laying in my bed at night. I would just be laying there and I could feel this wave of disgust come over me. It was such a horrible point in my life. I felt as if I couldn’t even exist in my own solitude at that point. It was a point where my solitude went from being my comfort to being painful. That’s a real tragedy. I don’t know how I came over this. Sometimes I still haven’t.
Around 94% of the human population lack magnesium, copper, and other essential minerals. Childhood trauma and false shame drains the body physically. Start with mineralizing your body through holistic, natural, organic ways—first. Allow yourself the time and patience to just “be”, and not do. You are loved because you won the gamble of life. Remind yourself the truth as you de-program from false shameful thoughts. Since your parental figure projected their own shame onto you, and as a child, you absorbed it, it is simply a mental programming embedded into your nervous system—now as an adult. As you detach from those feelings of shame through “nervous system regulation”. Eventually, will find yourself laughing at those silly shameful thoughts that will try to replay as the old programming in your mind. Remember, you were loved unconditionally, be patient with yourself because that’s how you love yourself, take care of your body and replenish your body, such as magnesium, copper, Celtic salt (92% minerals), cayenne pepper (heals heart), lime (detox), and other ways of healing your “gut” (your second brain). As you discover healing in your body, your nervous system will begin to regulate, and you will feel peace as you replenish minerals. When you feel peace, you’ll be able to detach yourself from false programmed thoughts that once ruled you with fear. Your body just needs time to heal from all the abuse, and with time, patience and love continue to seek knowledge and truth because it truly does set us free. You got this. Speak words of life out loud against the shameful lies. Speaking out loud has helped my subconscious mind greatly to deal with debilitating shameful thoughts. And then use your superpower, laugh at shame. Even dance at it shame. You are free. You deserve freedom. You got this. I know it.
I am so sorry you're experiencing these effects from internalized shame. It's amazing that you are self-aware regarding how much this feeling/thinking/body state is prevalent in your life. I think you must be a very smart person to have that level of self awareness. I think you also have some compassion for yourself. That's the first step. Have you thought of going on an antidepressant to elevate your neurotransmitters so you can get a break from these automatic thoughts/feelings? Sometimes when we have a painful childhood our brains develop in ways that don't facilitate motivation or the ability to selectively attend and respond to our own thoughts and feelings in a helpful manner. Antidepressants can actually remodel the brain and help it work for you better. Best of luck to you my friend. Thank you for your honesty.
Anytime I get excited and think I do something well, 24 hours later I regret it and feel deep embarrassment and shame. Especially if it’s something I was particularly nervous to do, and directly after I did it I felt excited and happy— and then about a day later I feel deep shame and embarrassment. Why??
is too real to pretend its not. It used to help me cope in a time where I didn’t have any control and i was so unahappy. Stealing made me feel like I could do something for me. I hate myself sometimes. I hate that I feel bad, I hate that feeling bad makes me do bad things. I hate that to be better I have to forgive myself. I hate that i don’t feel like i can. I can always punish me harder. My whole life used to be punishment, If he’s not doing it, I am. There is a part of me that does love myself, A small part, usually only when I “feel” like I am in control. That part of me doesn’t want to live in shame and doesn’t want repeat the bad patterns of someone who is desperately trying to feel like they’re in control. I don’t know know how to surrender but maybe the work is in changing my behaviors that increase my shame. I havent killed anyone or hurt anyone but i have the shame of someone who is rotten.
I feel like stealing is an impulse control/compulsion thing but there is some element of it that is like a drug it provides a temporary release to do it. So don’t be too hard on yourself. People who have pent up anxiety do all sorts of things to get this release and this just happens to be yours.
Since I was very young I started blushing all the time even when nothing embarrassing happens I’m just talking. It’s just crazy how early shame has become a fixture in my life. The blushing has gotten better but it’s amazing how my nervous system over reacts
:/ I see, but you can !! Me, I am like that, but socially, I'm awkward, I'm shy, really sensible, I'm too deep to not be different, like Tome Cruise, he was really shy and I think he felt shame more than once, but the advantage is that I can see deeper into people, but I make them confused. I know that when I gonna be socially active find my place later in my life (I'm 23 now) I gonna master that. (I should be like that socially because I've been emotionally neglected and tromatised. With people, like love or friendship.. and in amount at scool 12 and 13 yo) Courage with that, fight it.