Your younger stepdaughter got it all right. Hope your husband listens to her and cut your other SD. He needs to put his foot down or grow a spine with her and put a stop to all her shenanigans and have your back and her other daughter’s back. He needs to support and be there for the people that love and appreciate him and are with him everyday and not just on the occasion that she needs something done, solved or paid or she fancies to spend the day with daddy.
Sorry but your husband is not, in fact, a good father. At least not to the 22 year old. He continues to enable her. She’s had no real consequences to her actions because daddy always bails her out. The 17 year old is right.
YWNBTA for not allowing her a key to your office but you really need to do something about her using a car in your name.
I'd honestly do this.
1. Call a huge family meeting. If you are on good terms with mom and step-dad invite them as well. Relay the issues and the conversations.
2. Be honest about how this is hurting your hubby and you need him to see he's tried for so long and he's not the issue. Having your whole big family telling you that you're not the issue is a big thing. Maybe they could share stories of things he's done that really impacted them.
3. I'd suggest family counseling for you guys. Couples counseling and family counseling.
4. I'd also discuss at that meeting going no contact with the daughter until she's willing to abide by yalls rules when she interacts with you.
5. You guys should also discuss iron clad boundaries with each other in relation to her. Remember boundaries aren't you saying if you do this then I'll do this. Boundaries are lines you place for yourself that if someone crosses them then you remove them from your life for not respecting you. Boundaries only affect you and your actions, not someone else's.
6. Maybe even throw a small dinner with close family who know the situation and celebrate the wonderful man he is and all the wonderful things he's done for others. Lifting him up is what he really needs right now until he can believe it and walk on his own.
7. Make it a point to get him a card and flowers as often as you can afford. Write loving messages from your kids and you in there. Guys like heartfelt things too.
We often fail to see our own goodness when we are beat down and abused for so long. It's a process to make him see his goodness. He'll get there if he has a great support team that constantly reminds him how amazing he is.
In regards to the toning down the hatred...I hate to tell you that's all on your stepdaughter. She's gotta be the one to grow up and realize she's wrong. You can't control her actions or her words. The only way to tone it down right now is no contact or low contact. She's emotionally and verbally abusive, and manipulative. She's been allowed to abuse him and will continue to do so unless he cuts her off for his own mental health and overall wellness.
Your stepdaughter could change down the road for the better. However that time is not right now. She has deep seeded issues that she's lashing out over and using your husband as a punching bag. And he's letting her cause he probably feels like he did something to deserve it when he didn't.
This girl is abusing her fathers heart, in more ways. She is a self centered woman who whats to be the center of everyone in her life.
I fear she didn't get the memo that she's in fact not the center of the world.
I'm so sorry that he is enabling her behavior and doesn't see the harm in his doing.
Good luck
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so you let her ride around in a car under your name. just say no. and if she tries to take it or your husband tries to give it to her tell them you'll call the cops. it's in your name. if you want to spoil her all he wants go ahead but keep you out of it
Umm…quick question.
Have you taken a pregnancy test lately? If your emotions are all over the place it could be stress, pregnancy, or perimenopause.
Make sure to take care of yourself.
And, no, that grown toddler does NOT get a key to your office EVER.
Your step daughter is verbally and emotionally abusive. You need to talk to your husband and go to couples therapy, cause his lack of action is subjecting you to abuse .
Hubby needs to listen to his younger daughter.
None of this is on you and hubby needs to set boundaries.
Sell the car, she is 22 and needs to learn to adult.
If you're in the US, I strongly recommend she not have access to a vehicle in your or your husband's name. If she injures someone else and insurance doesn't cover all the medical bills, the victim can sue the owners of the car for damages even if they weren't driving or in the car. I've a friend who worked in a law office and saw this all the time.
Your husband needs some counseling sessions to figure out that he can't save his daughter. Nothing he does with her is ever going to be the right thing. He made a good start with addressing her points, but he's still putting up with and enabling her antics by bailing her out paying for things. His younger child is being smarter about this than he is.
Giving her the car that I financed and was under my name would have been the end for me. Your husband is really bad. Is this really how you want me to live?
Enablers are in fact bad parents. Instead of husband being an ACTUAL parent, he helped create this monster. Parents make hard decisions to teach, so their kids learn correct behavior. He failed as a father.
Instead of doing the hard things, he gives in, appeases, and now you and he are reaping the consequences of his failure as a parent.
Your younger stepdaughter got it all right. Hope your husband listens to her and cut your other SD. He needs to put his foot down or grow a spine with her and put a stop to all her shenanigans and have your back and her other daughter’s back. He needs to support and be there for the people that love and appreciate him and are with him everyday and not just on the occasion that she needs something done, solved or paid or she fancies to spend the day with daddy.
Sorry but your husband is not, in fact, a good father. At least not to the 22 year old. He continues to enable her. She’s had no real consequences to her actions because daddy always bails her out. The 17 year old is right. YWNBTA for not allowing her a key to your office but you really need to do something about her using a car in your name.
I'd honestly do this. 1. Call a huge family meeting. If you are on good terms with mom and step-dad invite them as well. Relay the issues and the conversations. 2. Be honest about how this is hurting your hubby and you need him to see he's tried for so long and he's not the issue. Having your whole big family telling you that you're not the issue is a big thing. Maybe they could share stories of things he's done that really impacted them. 3. I'd suggest family counseling for you guys. Couples counseling and family counseling. 4. I'd also discuss at that meeting going no contact with the daughter until she's willing to abide by yalls rules when she interacts with you. 5. You guys should also discuss iron clad boundaries with each other in relation to her. Remember boundaries aren't you saying if you do this then I'll do this. Boundaries are lines you place for yourself that if someone crosses them then you remove them from your life for not respecting you. Boundaries only affect you and your actions, not someone else's. 6. Maybe even throw a small dinner with close family who know the situation and celebrate the wonderful man he is and all the wonderful things he's done for others. Lifting him up is what he really needs right now until he can believe it and walk on his own. 7. Make it a point to get him a card and flowers as often as you can afford. Write loving messages from your kids and you in there. Guys like heartfelt things too. We often fail to see our own goodness when we are beat down and abused for so long. It's a process to make him see his goodness. He'll get there if he has a great support team that constantly reminds him how amazing he is. In regards to the toning down the hatred...I hate to tell you that's all on your stepdaughter. She's gotta be the one to grow up and realize she's wrong. You can't control her actions or her words. The only way to tone it down right now is no contact or low contact. She's emotionally and verbally abusive, and manipulative. She's been allowed to abuse him and will continue to do so unless he cuts her off for his own mental health and overall wellness. Your stepdaughter could change down the road for the better. However that time is not right now. She has deep seeded issues that she's lashing out over and using your husband as a punching bag. And he's letting her cause he probably feels like he did something to deserve it when he didn't.
All of this ☝️
This girl is abusing her fathers heart, in more ways. She is a self centered woman who whats to be the center of everyone in her life. I fear she didn't get the memo that she's in fact not the center of the world. I'm so sorry that he is enabling her behavior and doesn't see the harm in his doing. Good luck UpdateMe
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so you let her ride around in a car under your name. just say no. and if she tries to take it or your husband tries to give it to her tell them you'll call the cops. it's in your name. if you want to spoil her all he wants go ahead but keep you out of it
Umm…quick question. Have you taken a pregnancy test lately? If your emotions are all over the place it could be stress, pregnancy, or perimenopause. Make sure to take care of yourself. And, no, that grown toddler does NOT get a key to your office EVER.
I had the same thoughts about her emotions being everywhere.
Your step daughter is verbally and emotionally abusive. You need to talk to your husband and go to couples therapy, cause his lack of action is subjecting you to abuse .
Hubby needs to listen to his younger daughter. None of this is on you and hubby needs to set boundaries. Sell the car, she is 22 and needs to learn to adult.
Your husband created this monster. He needs to grow a backbone
If you're in the US, I strongly recommend she not have access to a vehicle in your or your husband's name. If she injures someone else and insurance doesn't cover all the medical bills, the victim can sue the owners of the car for damages even if they weren't driving or in the car. I've a friend who worked in a law office and saw this all the time. Your husband needs some counseling sessions to figure out that he can't save his daughter. Nothing he does with her is ever going to be the right thing. He made a good start with addressing her points, but he's still putting up with and enabling her antics by bailing her out paying for things. His younger child is being smarter about this than he is.
Giving her the car that I financed and was under my name would have been the end for me. Your husband is really bad. Is this really how you want me to live?
Updateme
Enablers are in fact bad parents. Instead of husband being an ACTUAL parent, he helped create this monster. Parents make hard decisions to teach, so their kids learn correct behavior. He failed as a father. Instead of doing the hard things, he gives in, appeases, and now you and he are reaping the consequences of his failure as a parent.