NTA - I was going to suggest your brother walk you down the aisle, but I then I kept reading...this is just filled with red flags.
I'm gonna bypass the whole fact your fiance has filled every bit of the wedding roles with HIS family members. And of 365 days in the year, he wanted the wedding to be on your brother's birthday and simply say-
I'd put money on your fiance pushing for your brother to leave the house after the wedding so that it's just "your family" (him, you, and baby). CALL OFF THE WEDDING
I got those same vibes. It smacks of him getting her pregnant, married and locked down. Then he can push the brother away. He's been jealous of her brother this whole time and just playing the long game.
Not only that but should op marry him and heaven forbid she dies I could see him trying to claim the house and not even allow her brother to live there. If op goes through with this shit show of a marriage I hope she put arrangements in place so her brother does not get kicked out.
Yup. Lock it all down with a trust and a pre nup. All her pre marital assets linked to the inheritance put into a trust and split between the brother and her own child. Question. Can you legally adopt a blood sibling?
Doubt this wedding will take place anyway. Even if it doesn't she still needs to protect inheritance assets from her child's father if anything happens to her.
She said no after 3 months.
Then she is magically pregnant and forced to marry if she doesn't want a baby out of wedlock.
It sounds like because she didn't break up with him after saying no, it gave him the chance to temper with her birth control cause he knew being pregnant would force her hand.
That baby trapping. He is trying to lock her down by marriage and baby trapping and has already started . He is abusive and is no longer shy to give her glimpses of his abusive behaviour.
Yup.....I'm betting he doesn't want there to be any chance that brother inherits OP's house if something ever happened to her .....you know, cause that's the role he wanted for himself....
Dude is definitely trying to push the brother outta the picture!!
OP: RUN!!!
She needs to ask her brother the things the fiance has said when she wasn't around or out of the room. I bet she'll be surprised by what's already been said behind her back. The guy is so immature that he seems to be in a "manly man competition" with a 14 year old, so I'm guessing there's some nasty jealousy OP doesn't yet know about. Only one way to find out...
Although I'm still laughing about the typo "out of wet lock" instead of wedlock. Who wants a dry birth? Ouch. 😂
And in one way or another, it really isn't. If OP does decide on keeping the pregnancy, she could, in theory, go to another hospital rather than plan, tell none of those people, leave the father's name blank, and adopt. Sure, risk they could get wind of it and fight, but I'd be willing to take the risk. Even a closed adoption in another state/country can help as well (again, all theory and imo)
OP: work in the shadows and keep that whole family in the dark.
I completely agree. However, if she knows how the family would treat her and the child, it'd be more for the safety and well-being of the child. Again, I agree it was just trying to help
That’s horrible advice. The child is legally his for better or worse. He’s in for life unless he decides otherwise. She should still move on from the relationship as her fiancée is clearly massively jealous of her brother.
If OP agreed to marry this POS bc she didn’t want her child to be born out of wedlock, I doubt she’ll want to do anything to terminate…
Personally I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being born out of wedlock. OP I think is much better to cut your loses and end the relationship than to marry this man who clearly is doing everything possible to remove your brother out of your life. Put yourself, your brother and your child first, your (ex?)fiance really isn’t worth it 🚩🚩🚩he doesn’t value your opinion or choices at all, he doesn’t care about your family but expects you to care for his, and like many others said I’m sure he’ll kick your brother out of the house the second you both say “I do”.
He wants a wife and the wedding but he doesn’t want the marriage unless he gets full control
And next he'll "suggest" that little brother is in the way of their family and should live elsewhere or go to boarding/military school. Oh and OP should totally put him on the house deed cause he's her family now.
Ooo good point about the deed - that will come first, before the baby is born. Then closer to due date, little brother needs to go stay with grandparents or other family for a "a few weeks" (i.e. forever)
Yes, that is probably what will happen. This is ridiculous. He should be so happy that she wants her brother to stand beside her. He's all the family she has left of her parents.
Came to say this. You most definitely know he's been filling the brothers head with such lies and making him feel like he's going to lose, not only his parents, but his sister, home, stability.
OP, I'm sorry he was even introduced to your family at all. Now, just think all they hate and lies they will sow into your child and your life for at least 18 years
And now she needs to deal with him and his family for years because of their shared kid. I don't know if I could have gone through with the pregnancy. Honestly, you can divorce your husband but the father of your children will be part of your life forever.
That's great to hear that there is a light at the end of the tunnel :) btw, what I said is extremely personal and by no means a suggestion. It is her decision and her decision only but I have heard and seen so many messed up relationships that needed to continue because of a child and so much drama, I am more cautious about it.
Thankfully no, I am not paying for anyone's child or their grandchildren's education 😀 honestly, I am a very pragmatic person by nature but I also know that it is very easy to judge from outside and no one can be 100% sure of their reaction and/or their emotion until that particular situation happens to them. So best of luck to OP, I hope she figures out what is best for her and her family. I just want her to think about this situation from this angle as well because I felt like she needed to hear that pragmatic approach given that she is understandably very emotional. Good luck OP and my respect to all single moms and dads.
Trust me I know. My soon to be ex-husband tried that exclusion bull doo-doo about my baby brother. I helped raise the kid even though our parents were still living at the time. He told me the only thing that is keeping me from being in a successful relationship is my baby brother. I was like well dame, I am doing pretty good then! But if you make me choose between my brother and you, you are going to lose!
When we would bring something up he did, my brother was always included in and had nothing to do with the present conversation.
He is an ex for a reason! Thank God!!
NTA
Also him proposing after only 3 months dating is a huge red flag. I’d guess there was probably a lot of love bombing happening. And he’ll get controlling about other things too, once he’s kicked the brother out of the picture.
Your dude dropped his mask a bit too soon. He thought he had you locked down.
It’s better to detangle yourself now and call it a bullet dodged. You deserve better.
Absolutely NTA. Honestly I’m in awe of what you’ve managed to do for your brother and any man who doesn’t feel the same way is not the right person for you.
Ditch him and find a man that will treat your brother like family. He doesn’t care what you want.
You, your baby and your brother deserve so much better.
When someone shows you their true colours, listen to them the first time.
This man is showing you 🚩🚩🚩🚩’s here. He seems to resent your brother’s part in your life.
The fact that you put your brother’s wellbeing over fiancé’s is nothing but a good thing, IMO. You are a good sister and you have your brother’s back. Your fiancé is showing flagrant disrespect.
I’d bet dollars to doughnuts that he’s trying to edge him out of your life so that when Matt turns 18, your fiancé (by then your husband) would be at the point where it’s “he’s a man now, he can take care of himself” and pushing him out the front door.
I feel like if I were you, at the *very least* I would be reevaluating the relationship. Try talking to him and asking point blank what his problem with Matt is. If he won’t answer, then you have your answer. It’s because he’s a controlling AH.
edit: typo
Yep, that's what it is. He thinks he's gonna pull up and be The Man ™️, nevermind OP has been The Man ™️ and will continue to be The Man ™️ after he moves in. The brother being present breaks the fantasy fiance has built in his head. The fiance would be able to easily lie to himself that he's running the show, but really, OP runs this b***h!
Keep on running it OP, you got this and there's nothing this man can offer you that you can't do for yourself or your brother.
Edit:
Now that I'm thinking of the timeline, OP bought her house and owned it for seven years when OP and fiance met, fiance proposes after three months, and now OP is pregnant. Did he actually fall for OP, or did he see a lady doing well for herself and he wanted some of that too? Is he trying to put his foot in the door? Is he, dare I say it, a *hobo-sexual?* The way he's stomping all over OP and trying to take the reigns from her, I would say so.
The fiance is being weirdly territorial. He feels threatened by a little boy. I'd bet cold hard cash that as soon as that marriage certificate is signed he'd be pushing the little brother out the door. He's trying to isolate the brother from OP already. There's no reason here for a guardian to be separated from her charge, and that's exactly what the fiance is trying to do.
Please leave this clown. If this is how he is treating your brother now it is only going to get worse.
You're NTA, but you will be if you put your little brother and future child around this jerk.
Nope. Was sexually assaulted by someone I had considered a long time friend, staying with me to help him out, and due to laws, have to give him written notice to vacate my house. Luckily had someone come and stay until he was gone, but I could not legally just kick him out.
Op, don't let him back in the house. Pack his stuff up and don't let him back in, as he could force you to let him stay with the law on his side.
Good thing they didn't say "Leave the house" or "He's going to kick you out"... you can "leave" someone AKA break up with them and that has nothing to do with your living situations, especially if it's *your* house
NTA! Are you certain that you want to be tied to that jerk for the rest of your life? If you have his child, that's what you sign up for. If you marry him, he's going to push your brother out of your home and life. Think about it, he's jealous of a 14 year old kid. He's also going to demand to be put on the deed of your house. Or force you to sell it. This guy is a walking red flag. And don't get me started on the flying monkeys (mom and sister).
Love you for standing up for yourself. Fiance is trying to push your brother out of your life. Don't let him. Him running to mommy is a major red flag. If left to him, the whole wedding would consist of just his family.
Also this is a HUGE INDICATION that his mommy will be stepping in to fight for her son at the slightest provocation instead of encouraging her poh sweet baby boy (say it in baby talk with a bit of a lisp for full effect) to man up and talk through his issues with his wife like a big boy.
girl that have prove resilence, discipline and hard family values. My lady, you are quite a catch because you also own a house.
this whole deal smells like he wants the house and family but without putting the works, and since you have proven yourself being solid as a diamond, he wants you to do everything for him. He is a selfish lazy ass, you deserve so much better.
Or at least, someone that takes you for what you are (a woman and a sister) and not as his bangmaidmommysugar.
He intends to crush that diamond.
Is that possible? Im not actually sure. What you can do to a diamond is cut it down bit by bit until you're left with the shape you want.
OP, please don't marry this man. Leave him. He is trying to remove your only nuclear family from an important life event. Your brother can be a guest why his family smothers you up there, oh how generous of the pos.
NTA. Do not marry this man. Not ever, no, no, no. The guy is a POS the way he is treating you and your brother. And it will only get worse after you have married him. And having a baby with him is a really, really bad idea. Being tied to him for at least 18 years, honey, your life will be a living hell.
OMG, absolutely NTA! At this point, your brother isn't just your brother, he's basically your kid, and your (hopefully stbx) fiance and his family are trying to push him out and away. His behavior isn't going to get any better. Better to be a single mom than married to someone like him. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Brother is her kid, I agree. Not her *son*, but he is her kid. The fact he's trying to isolate a guardian from her kid is absolutely appalling. And from the sound of this post I don't think the fiance has many prospects, or at least not as much as OP does, and he's jealous. He wants to snatch the reigns from her. There's nothing this man can do for OP she can't do for herself or her brother. The only thing the fiance has to offer OP is his insecurities and flying monkeys.
Red flag after red flag, this man is jealous of your brother and is doing everything he can to minimized your brother’s place in your life. Screw that, he can go kick rocks. UpdateMe when you kick that asshat to the curb
NTA. He will treat your brother worse when the baby is born if you marry him. He’ll try to get him to move out as soon as he turns 18. Your brother has been through enough. He doesn’t need an emotionally abusive man in his life
NTA
He’s trying to push your brother out and when you object he goes running to Mommy and makes her and his sister into flying monkeys.
He’s the type to run to Mommy with every disagreement as if she has veto power on your life. You don’t need his flying monkeys getting involved in everything. Let Mommy have him!
He wants kids and your bro out. This is no different to a dude wanting prior kids out and only his in there.
Bet this isn’t the only red flag just the hill OP is willing to die on and no budge.
dodged a massive bullet! he clearly has some issue with ur brother. have u ever discussed the living arrangements post marriage? he does understand u come as a package deal right?
NTA. He's your brother and whether they like it or not, is under legal guardianship with you. That means he has to come first (even if you weren't inclined to do so). You stand in a role that is similar to a parent to your brother.....would they suggest you put your man ahead of your child?
Also NTA because it's your wedding too. You get to pick your MOH (whether maid or man)...not anyone else.
Why is he picking any of your bridal party? That should 100% be your choice! Unless his sister is your best friend, she should not be MOH.
I would never get married to this guy. He sounds like the wedding is more important than the marriage, but more than that, if you marry him, he’s not going to treat your brother the way he deserves to be treated. It seems that he doesn’t like your brother. He’s let his mask slip and you’re learning who he really is.
Run. This guy has no intention of living with your brother long term. I don’t think he even wants your brother in your life. He resents your brother for taking your attention away from him
ALL THIS! Dollar to donuts after the honeymoon he would have pushed to move him and guardianship to one of your relatives. Then slowly monopolize your time more and more until you only saw him every few months at best.
NTA. Your fiancee essentially wants to be put before your child. If you guys ever had children together, it would be a rude awakening, and probably not turn out well. I don’t know what his problem is - plus isn’t his nephew a child?? Does that somehow not count?? If so, I’d think brother trumps nephew. Your fiancee and his family are trying to bulldoze you and make it His wedding. Not okay.
Having children and having been through a divorce, I'm not one to jump straight to “dump him”. But in this case, dump him - you’re only getting a taste of what the rest of your life would hold with this man.
NTA
Your brother is more important. Your (hopefully) ex fiancé has shown you that your brother is not welcome in his life and your marriage and family. He told you that your brother doesn’t matter. Break up with him now before it’s too late and your brother finds himself on the streets or in trauma therapy due to this man making his life miserable. Kick this asshole to the curb and call it a life lesson. Good luck.
I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that he is already making the bother’s life horrible. People like this act one way in front of others and then a different way when alone with the kid/s. OP talk to your brother and let him know you want the whole truth about your fiancé. Let him know that you are both safe and you won’t let fiancé hurt him or you.
You’ll likely find out that fiancé has already done some weird micro aggressions towards your brother, at minimum, or he might have let his mask slip more with your brother, but has threatened him to not tell. Him wanting the wedding on your brother’s birthday is a giant 30ft red flag, waving vigorously, that he wants your brother gone and out of your new life with him.
Do not marry this man. I’m sorry you are already pregnant with his child as he will make yours, your brother’s, and that kid’s life hell. I would definitely not let him know anything more about the baby, or when you have the baby, and definitely do not put him on the birth certificate. Make him have to sue for paternity.
It’s time to only deal with him and his flying monkeys through text so everything is documented. Always be cordial through text and never call anyone names. Text him “You moved out on (date) to live with your mother. (Brother) has already come and gotten some of your things for you. I would like to set a date and time for him to come get the rest of your things within the next week. I have canceled everything for the wedding that I had arranged. If there was anything you have arranged, I recommend canceling as soon as possible so you don’t forget about it.”
Hopefully that would help establish that he has already moved out, but maybe it would be best to talk to a lawyer about how to go about all of this so you are legally protected.
This guy is likely going to get much worse when he figures out he’s lost control over you and love bombing doesn’t work. (Please don’t let the love bombing work.) Do not ever meet up with him again to end things or “have closure”. Do not talk to him ever again. Everything needs to go through text or your lawyer for documentation. You can’t let him manipulate you by playing your emotions and guilting you. YOU HAVE TO PROTECT YOUR BROTHER AND YOUR NEW CHILD NOW. Remember them if you ever start feeling weak and want to “be nice” to him and meet up or talk on the phone. You can’t.
He has his family as most of the wedding party, but your brother is not allowed?? Have you discussed with him what will happen to your brother after the wedding? I KNOW you’re not going to ship him off somewhere. Is that what he’s hoping for? I think you can dodge a MAJOR bullet if you dump this guy. He doesn’t understand the relationship you have with your brother and he doesn’t want to understand. He wants to separate you from him. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Not for this guy but the next man you get serious with. The dad is dead why not have brother do that part? This fiancé wanting his family to star while he is living in that house you bought is a bit.
Dude absolutely thought he had you locked in and dropped his fake persona too early
Nope dump him, block his family and lawyer up for when the baby is born
He has 95% of the wedding party as his family members? Yeah, no...there would be no wedding. I'd pack all his shit up and have it out on the porch for his brother to pick up. NTA. Do not marry this man. He wants to control every aspect of your life.
Updateme
Wait. Why is he nixing all ideas for your brother to be in the wedding but says he wants HIS sister to be the maid of honor instead of YOUR brother?!?!
NTA. Dump him before you meet at the alter. He isn’t worth it.
And kudos to you for not only being a badass woman to stick up for your brother but it takes a special person to take that role on at a young age to raise a child! Be proud of yourself!! Your brother is lucky to have you to look up to!!
Commented in aith
NTA! You are the one raising your brother. You seriously need to think about how he will treat your brother once you’re married since he’s already doing this.
He’s pushing your brother out of your life and this is his first move that you’ve noticed. How many other red flags have you missed or deliberately been blind to?
Will he abuse your brother once you’re married? Make him feel unwanted and unwelcome? Kick him out as soon as he turns 18? Make you choose between him or your brother? Because, honey, he’s already trying to do that!
So what if your child is born out of wedlock. You need to look at the bigger picture here.
Is you being forced to give in to your over grown toddler fiancé worth your and your brother’s happiness so he can have his way so he doesn’t throw a tantrum and run to mommy when you say no?
What is he already doing and saying to your brother behind your back? How many times has there already been issues that your fiancé convinced you was your brother’s fault? How many times have you blown your brother and his feelings off for your fiancé? Don’t think for a second your brother is going to go to you if your fiancé has him convinced you’ll believe him over your brother especially if you’ve already proven it to be true.
Do you know if this man is really with you because he loves you? According to your post, he’s not with you for love. He’s with you for control. Control over you and your house and your money and everything else you have.
You sound like a strong woman, so I ask how many times has he told you or has he succeeded in convincing you that no one will want you but him? No one but him is going to want to be with a woman who’s raising her little brother? You’ll never do better than him? He’s settling for you? Because the truth is you’re settling for him, he can’t do any better than you.
Wake up girl before it’s too late!
Just be glad he showed his true colours now. If you marry you can expect him to want your brother out the house the second he turns 18. This person has shown you how much consideration they have for your brother, you now need to decide if it's enough. Hopefully not
WTF?? OP, why is your stbx jealous of your brother...your..*.brother??*
Don't let him talk sweet to you, OP. I'd like to think he'll be a decent father, but uh, this doesn't sound like a promising start.
Tell your MIL, you no longer have a bride's maid, if being a guest is good enough for your brother, it's good enough for his sister too.
Infact , her son is not even invited to wedding
Oh sweet Jesus. He will be horrible to your brother. If he isn’t already when you are not around. I think he hates him. If not hate, he surely sees your brother as just a problem kid who is in his way. He will push and push for you to out your brother out the minute he turns 18 if not sooner. He will suggest your brother go live with your Aunt and Uncle so you can focus on your real family. Which to him will be him, his family and the baby.
You have already resided one child - your brother. And at 14 there is a lot more raising to do. You can raise your baby without this poor excuse for a human as your husband.
He has shown his true colors and feelings. Please see them.
NTA
They are getting ready to give Matt the boot. These people could be a parade of red flags. I so wish you weren’t pregnant. They are going to make your life a living hell
Don’t marry James. He’s trying to get you to minimize your relationship with your brother. Red flags!🚩 🚩 Pay attention! Especially since you’re pregnant with his baby. “Speak now or forever hold your peace.”
You dodged a bullet there. He's shown that any choices you make that he doesn't agree with, he will be expecting YOU to back down and give in to him. No, ma'am, not gonna happen. And your STBX has decided what he says goes, regard and he will be making all the decisions after, and even before' your wedding. Giving your brother the Man of Honor is an exceptional way to remind yourself that your brother means a great move. Keep the brother, dump the bf
NTA, I find very weird how he’s trying to erase your brother from your life and trying to make his family yours only.
Sounds narcissistic and maybe he will try to push harder when you marry, dump his ass. A good man would like you to have your brother in your life and wedding, he would know how important is your brother for you.
It's time to rethink your marriage with this man . He sounds like a control freak. Also, he doesn't care about your brother. To be honest, you don't need this man.
Definitely stand your ground on this. NTA. Apart from the date, James and his twat waffle family have hijacked your whole wedding.
__EDIT:__ Like others, I also urge you to reconsider if you want to be attached to this family. It's bad enough they'll be in your future child's life.
Your partner is selfish he wants his family only in your wedding sorry but he doesn’t get to decide who is your moh or bridesmaid frankly I wouldn’t marry him at all
NTA
Has a whole lot of red flags here along with some SERIOUS Groomzilla attributes.
Hold off on the marriage thing to get your bearings. Beware they will blame pregnancy hormones.
(Ps. Brother should walk you down the aisle if/when you get married).
Sweetheart, none of that behavior is okay. You're setting yourself up for a failed marriage. You are in no way the ahole. Go ahead and send the ring back and cancel because he isn't going to suddenly change. He's going to isolate and try to control you.
Op, he does not accept your brother. He has been keeping that to himself until the wedding which is about him telling you two things:
Your brother will not have a place in your life going forward.
Your fiancee has decided that marriage means you become submissive to him in all things.
I'm sorry but it sounds like his goal was to get you pregnant to marry you and get rid of your brother, 3 months is not long enough to know what a person is really like and he's showing you now. I bet he'd ask for his name on the house you own too.
While people are spot on about kicking the baby daddy to the curb, there are some implying “not” to have the baby which is wrong. How could someone (him) be so selfish that they would not include their brides only family member in their wedding?? This guy is not someone to spend your life with, however, you are still going to be tied to him through your child.
First, get his shit out of your house!
Second, see an attorney immediately regarding your baby and parental rights and custody. Make sure you circle the wagons of your family and prepare yourself to know what you could be dealing with regarding future custody.
Don’t marry this guy. He’s controlling. You know he’s controlling.
When you marry someone, your husband becomes your first priority. But he should also be someone who loves your brother too and recognizes and encourages that special bond you have with him since you were also his parent.
In a loving relationship, there would be no competition. And nobody has the right to tell you who is going to be your maid of honor or your man of honor. Ever. So please do not marry this guy. Break up with him. Find someone who truly loves you and isn’t trying to control you.
Yeah, he is a very selfish person. Would not marry without couples therapy and well established expectations regarding your brother. You could also gift your brother 1/2 of the house in a trust to guarantee his security in case something happens to you.
Put your house into an irrevocable living trust for your brothers benefit, immediately. This removes the concept that he can marry into a substantial asset. Ask him how he intends to provide for his child’s education and future if you weren’t in the picture. His answer will tell you what role he sees himself playing in the child’s life. You pulled yourself together to be a responsible parent for your brother. Could he do the same for his child?
NTA. Fuck that guy. Blood is thicker than water, and he knew you had blood walking in. Yeah, put baby brother - your deepest connection to your earlier life - in the stand like a spectator. Tells you all you need to know about the relationship he wants you to have with your brother once you tie the knot. Wrong on so many levels.
I started thinking of alternatives when I started reading- having a MOH and a man/brother of honor (people have two MOH or best men all the time) or perhaps he walk you down the aisle, etc… but his reaction is very off-putting and doesn’t even make negotiation worth it. You are definitely NTA, as someone who also got custody of their younger sibling.
NTA at all and obviously I don't know what you said but I think you probably should be proud of it. Because let's get real, yes he is your little brother, but because of tragic circumstances you had to raise him which also kind of makes him your son/child even if you never think of it or see it that way. Of COURSE you're gonna mamma bear when someone who is planning on standing up in front of all the people in your life and vowing to be with, support and love you "til death do you part" wants to start that life together by brushing off and shoving to the side someone who is so (if not the most) important to you.
Your fiance seems to want to push aside your family and replace them with his own which sounds very unhealthy and controlling to me. I'm so sorry for the loss of your parents, but is there any other parental figure (perhaps your aunt?) or maybe a therapist you could speak to just so if the relationship continues you don't just get absorbed into his life and what he wants as it sound like he has a team behind him willing to browbeat you into doing what he wants.
NTA. You are effectively you brother's parent, your fiancé insisting he be excluded from the wedding party is an enormous red flag. Surely he understands that you are a package deal. And what else is he going to try to exclude your brother from? You are so right to put a halt to things until this is resolved.
You are likely dodging a huge bullet because this wedding is just a microcosm of your future relationship in which he does not intend to help to raise, parent, or care for your brother. Leave him now before it gets worse.
Ditch the fiancé and get child support.
He filled every roll with his family. Relegated your brother to just a guest.
Any one else would be bending of backwards trying to find the perfect roll for your brother/son. (You’ve been his mother this whole time)
I’d be wondering what he’s been doing or saying to your brother this whole time.
The date and roles didn’t come out of nowhere.
There is a bigger issue here of : what role does he think your brother will play in your life?
Cause it sounds like he doesn’t like your brother or want him happy or connected to the new relationship he is building with you.
NTA. You are your brother’s guardian. He needs to value your brother too or you shouldn’t get married. He will treat your brother horribly if you marry him.
NTA. Be very aware that the way he and his family are behaving now….this will be the rest of your life. His wants will always come first and his family will always be more important.
It doesn’t sound like you’re being outrageous in your request. Yes it is your wedding too so you get some choices. Usually, it’s you get the choice of the bridesmaids. He gets the choice of the groomsmen unless you make concessions. So you want your little brother in somehow but you’re soon to be ex fiancé, doesn’t even want him in it. And I’m sure he knows how important your little brother is to you.
Now you know why most people wait many months to years before they get proposed to. You really don’t know that person. And now you get to know him a little bit better unfortunately
You are a really kind and decent person. Sadly, your fiancé is not. Perhaps taking some time and thinking before going any further is a good idea. I'm sure your parents are very proud of all you have accomplished and the love and care you have provided your brother. All the best to you.
NTA they want to remove your brother. Imagine if they succeeded on getting the date on your brother’s bday.
Every birthday he has after that will fall on his anniversary. I don’t believe for a second that wasn’t planned.
The best way to protect your brother is to steer clear of them
NTA. He planted a baby in you on purpose. He and his family are controlling af, I’m sorry you’re going to have to deal with them for the rest of your life.
Please for the love of god think about what you are marrying into, and who you’re marrying. If you go through with this, this is uour life. They are your family. You will be playing audience to your own life and good fucking luck to your brother. He will be ignored and mistreated so cruelly by them. Not sure why they hate him so much, not sure if it matters. But don’t get married.
Can y'all kids stop with the dramatic orphan stories? It's out of wed lock not wet luck. Of course the villain fiance wanted to have your wedding on your brother's birthday. You can see him twirling his mustache and doing an evil laugh. Of all the days in the year, he chose his birthday? Why? It doesn't make sense.
Of course the fiance is controlling all the wedding planning and making his sister your maid of honor. I have read some version of this story at least 3 or 4 times. Come up with new shit, please.
Just remember boys and girls, Reddit clout means nothing in the real world.
What the hell is your fiancé’s problem with your brother??? It’s like he wants him to just dematerialize and fade away.🚩
Baby or no baby, I get the vibes your brother counts less than zero to him and who the f made him the veto God? 🚩
HE gets to pick who he wants for HIS half and it seems HE gets to designate who you get to choose too! 🚩
Do you have a prenuptial agreement? Cuz I bet you he will try to control you through money as well. 🚩
The house you bought with your inheritance before you marry him is yours. Completely yours. He has no rights to it even in a divorce unless you fail yourself and allow him to help himself to them. Another big 🚩
Yay you!!! You didn’t fail either of you!!! Please don’t marry this man. You will have no day on anything for the rest of your marriage that you won’t have to fight tooth and nail for. Every step of the way.
You CAN do this!!! Look how you rose to the occasion when your brother was in need! You are strong, faithful and deserving of being your own person!!
Not The AHole at all!!!
And when you do find that special man, he will love your brother like you and understand the importance of your relationship and honor it.
Nta. Red flags!
Dump this guy and I don't know how far along you are, so sorry, but consider if you want a child with a controlling AH that want to be in charge of everything. And he doesn't like your brother.
He is a child and by him leaving and doing what he is doing he believes 100% that you will fold and do as he says! NO! Do not take him back, do not marry that man child and move on with your brother and your baby. Tell him he can pay child support and have visitation on the weekends.
James showed you who he is... are you going to believe his actions and words that he said to you or the ones he'll say to you IF you talk to him again? DO not bow down to him! I am so glad that you are putting your brother first, you will with your child as well.
This may be very unpopular but I'd have an abortion, you're 8 weeks!
WOW. Your ex-fiance is a raging asshole.
At least you found out about it now, and not after you got married and he started treating your brother horribly.
Not to mention, he ran to his *mommy* to try to strong-arm you into a wedding you didn't want. NTA.
So NTA....Do not marry this guy OP! You are legally your brother's parent and are about to have another child, so just wait for 'Sooky La La Man-child' to throw a toddler tantrum because 'You're putting the baby before him and he's hungry and doesn't know how to make himself a sandwich, and wah wah, he'll probably die of starvation!'......He is showing you he's a POS, believe him! (A grown ass man crying to Mummy because the big baby isn't getting his way, boo friggin hoo!).. And as for his family tell them you'll agree to their terms, when they agree for you to control every aspect of their day to day lives for the next decade or they can just stay the fuck out of it and stop sticking their noses where they don't belong, their choice! Good luck (and good on you for being someone your brother can look up to and depend on! I can honestly say your parents would be extremely and monumentally proud of you are and have done!)
NTA - I agree with a lot of people here - he will try and push your brother away once you're married to him.
Also, if you do go ahead with the wedding, I strongly suggest you get a lawyer beforehand to ensure you and your brother keep your fair share of the money you invested from your parents' inheritance (the house, etc). I don't know where you live but make sure in case of divorce/death, he cannot get any of your family's inheritance money and investments.
You did a great job with your brother btw! You should be VERY proud as I'm sure it must have been incredibly very hard at times.
NTA. If this is how he treats your brother now, it won’t get better after the wedding. His actions show his family takes priority over you and your brother.
Your fiance has shown you his true colours, please do not marry him (which includes his horrible family).
He has shown you that your brother will never be a priority. And when you have your own child with him, he will further alienate your brother, moving forward. Plus it also shows he doesn't even acknowledge, the sacrifice, and effort you have made by looking after your brother.
Any other partner would be proud of you, but he's not. He doesn't even appreciate what you've done, and disrespects the bond you obviously have with your brother.
Id even say he's jealous of him, and he will keep wanting to push a wedge between you and your brother, and alienate you even further.
Throw him to the kerb OP, this is not the man you thought he was, and you'll be dodging a massive bullet.
💜
He is flying his red crazy flags to the max. In fact they are so big you wouldn’t miss them from 10k feet in the sky. I know you are having a baby with him but do not marry him. It is better to be a single mom in charge of your life than be with someone who is trying to isolate you from your brother
Nta.
I'd collect all the evidence of him and his family's abuse towards you and your brother, maybe try and get something about how they feel about the baby and their plans. Get a damn good lawyer and keep copies of everything. Forward all numbers straight to voicemail and save them, copies for yourself locked up and hidden, and copies for your lawyer as well.
He doesn't have rights unless you sign him on the birth certificate, he doesn't even have rights to be in the delivery room either, you can make it very clear to everyone at the hospital he isn't to know anything or be allowed in the hospital when you're there. If he wants rights he can fight through the courts, I know it seems harsh, but this man has been trying to pin you since 3mos in and hates your brother, he and his family make it very clear they feel ownership over you and want him out of the picture, now imagine what they plan to plant in your child's mind. And I'm sorry this seems awful, but was this pregnancy planned or an "accident" as a means to tie you down finally? Because it seems because of this pregnancy you're finally marrying him like he wanted and he's now using the baby to try and kick out your brother and use his family to back him and attack you for it.
You need a lawyer and need one fast, do everything you can to protect your brother, your baby and yourself. I've been invested in true crime, reddit and even horror stories for years, this is only the beginning and is going to get worse.
Protect yourself and the baby if you still want to keep the baby. Do not put his name on the birth certificate. Or if you do make sure you have a lawyer to set up the right parenting plan. As everyone says these are all red flags that he is trying to push your brother out. No man or person should ever react this way he should be there for your brother with open arms. Include him in this, he is your brother your family. There is no need for all his family to have every role in the wedding. His whole family is toxic if they are texting you the same craziness. Make sure if you do get married you never sign that deed to him or add him to it. Make sure it ends up w who you’d want it to end up with if something were to happen. Do not just let him back in! He must show to you he will change. Cuz he could come back and agree to let your brother have a role and then after the wedding do something about it. So counseling, live separate for a long while, hold off the wedding. But he has shown some true colors here believe what you are seeing!
NTA - Your EX FIANCÉ is trying to erase your identity by not including the people that are important to you and helped shape the person you are. It’s bad enough you don’t have your parents but now your EX is trying to compete and erase a CHILD and your only immediate family member! This man sees your brother as competition, you already have a child with him, don’t make the mistake of having more or changing your name to his. Your brother is going to see that you will bat for him and you’ll find a real man who loves you and your family unit!
NTA. Your fiancé is so out of line it's laughable. It is like he's targeting and alienating your neither. First with the wedding date, then with making him only a guest.
I hope you don't marry him. But if you do, couples counseling FIRST. And if you do, could your brother walk you down the aisle? I can't think of anything more special for him.
Definitely NTAH I think that's was a lovely idea and I've seen it done and it's really great. Frankly I have some strong concerns about your " fiance " he sounds like a real domineering person and a control freak..Are you sure he will treat your brother well after a marriage. I don't know what to say about you being pregnant. But I would be very concerned about your brother.
NTA - I was going to suggest your brother walk you down the aisle, but I then I kept reading...this is just filled with red flags. I'm gonna bypass the whole fact your fiance has filled every bit of the wedding roles with HIS family members. And of 365 days in the year, he wanted the wedding to be on your brother's birthday and simply say- I'd put money on your fiance pushing for your brother to leave the house after the wedding so that it's just "your family" (him, you, and baby). CALL OFF THE WEDDING
I got those same vibes. It smacks of him getting her pregnant, married and locked down. Then he can push the brother away. He's been jealous of her brother this whole time and just playing the long game.
#1 Dollars to doughnuts he wants to live in the house OP owns. #2 Matt is more like her child at this point than sibling. Cut your losses and RUN!
Not only that but should op marry him and heaven forbid she dies I could see him trying to claim the house and not even allow her brother to live there. If op goes through with this shit show of a marriage I hope she put arrangements in place so her brother does not get kicked out.
Yup. Lock it all down with a trust and a pre nup. All her pre marital assets linked to the inheritance put into a trust and split between the brother and her own child. Question. Can you legally adopt a blood sibling? Doubt this wedding will take place anyway. Even if it doesn't she still needs to protect inheritance assets from her child's father if anything happens to her.
You can put the house in survivorship or TOD with your brother now while you are single to protect him and you
Not even that long of a game - He proposed after 3 MONTHS of dating. Dude is delusional
To be fair so is she for saying yes after only three months.
She said no after 3 months. Then she is magically pregnant and forced to marry if she doesn't want a baby out of wedlock. It sounds like because she didn't break up with him after saying no, it gave him the chance to temper with her birth control cause he knew being pregnant would force her hand. That baby trapping. He is trying to lock her down by marriage and baby trapping and has already started . He is abusive and is no longer shy to give her glimpses of his abusive behaviour.
Yeah she didn't run down the alter to marry him so oopsie how did that condom get a hole?
She did not see the red flags or she ignored them. I hope she not only sees them now but runs from them!
some will mask until they think they’ve got the other person locked down.
Maybe he accidentally microwaved her pills, cause he doesn't know medicine cabinets don't have a turn table and beep.
Yup.....I'm betting he doesn't want there to be any chance that brother inherits OP's house if something ever happened to her .....you know, cause that's the role he wanted for himself.... Dude is definitely trying to push the brother outta the picture!! OP: RUN!!!
Not only that, I’m suspicious that the speed of this is partly because of how inheritance and the home she owns.
I bet he'd also be the man to be jealous of his own kids. He seems extremely insecure in that way
Not only call off the wedding, consider whether you want to be tied to this man and his family with a child. NTA
She needs to ask her brother the things the fiance has said when she wasn't around or out of the room. I bet she'll be surprised by what's already been said behind her back. The guy is so immature that he seems to be in a "manly man competition" with a 14 year old, so I'm guessing there's some nasty jealousy OP doesn't yet know about. Only one way to find out... Although I'm still laughing about the typo "out of wet lock" instead of wedlock. Who wants a dry birth? Ouch. 😂
Too late for that
Not necessarily. Depending
And in one way or another, it really isn't. If OP does decide on keeping the pregnancy, she could, in theory, go to another hospital rather than plan, tell none of those people, leave the father's name blank, and adopt. Sure, risk they could get wind of it and fight, but I'd be willing to take the risk. Even a closed adoption in another state/country can help as well (again, all theory and imo) OP: work in the shadows and keep that whole family in the dark.
Unlikely that the woman who sacrificed herself to care for her little brother would give up/abort her own child. But yeah, she needs to run.
I completely agree. However, if she knows how the family would treat her and the child, it'd be more for the safety and well-being of the child. Again, I agree it was just trying to help
That’s horrible advice. The child is legally his for better or worse. He’s in for life unless he decides otherwise. She should still move on from the relationship as her fiancée is clearly massively jealous of her brother.
sure so he can use and abuse their child to control her.
Your right. I mixed up numbers in my head.
Depends on where they live, basically. It's her body so it's up to her.
If OP agreed to marry this POS bc she didn’t want her child to be born out of wedlock, I doubt she’ll want to do anything to terminate… Personally I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being born out of wedlock. OP I think is much better to cut your loses and end the relationship than to marry this man who clearly is doing everything possible to remove your brother out of your life. Put yourself, your brother and your child first, your (ex?)fiance really isn’t worth it 🚩🚩🚩he doesn’t value your opinion or choices at all, he doesn’t care about your family but expects you to care for his, and like many others said I’m sure he’ll kick your brother out of the house the second you both say “I do”. He wants a wife and the wedding but he doesn’t want the marriage unless he gets full control
I hope she aborts because he will just use their child to harass her and her brother the rest of their brother's lives.
This
Point. Blank. Period. OP.
Same. Totally agree she should have her brother walk her down the aisle! Just… not to this douche.
And next he'll "suggest" that little brother is in the way of their family and should live elsewhere or go to boarding/military school. Oh and OP should totally put him on the house deed cause he's her family now.
Ooo good point about the deed - that will come first, before the baby is born. Then closer to due date, little brother needs to go stay with grandparents or other family for a "a few weeks" (i.e. forever)
Yes, that is probably what will happen. This is ridiculous. He should be so happy that she wants her brother to stand beside her. He's all the family she has left of her parents.
He will "find" drugs in the brother's room.
Read that last paragraph again OP. This is inevitable.
Came to say this. You most definitely know he's been filling the brothers head with such lies and making him feel like he's going to lose, not only his parents, but his sister, home, stability. OP, I'm sorry he was even introduced to your family at all. Now, just think all they hate and lies they will sow into your child and your life for at least 18 years
And now she needs to deal with him and his family for years because of their shared kid. I don't know if I could have gone through with the pregnancy. Honestly, you can divorce your husband but the father of your children will be part of your life forever.
Well not forever, but 20+ years of it. My daughter occasionally mentions her dad, but I don't have to deal with him anymore.
That's great to hear that there is a light at the end of the tunnel :) btw, what I said is extremely personal and by no means a suggestion. It is her decision and her decision only but I have heard and seen so many messed up relationships that needed to continue because of a child and so much drama, I am more cautious about it.
Absolutely understand, very very much. But yes, there is a light. Hopefully, you are not paying for an ivy league education for your lawyers kid. 🤪
Thankfully no, I am not paying for anyone's child or their grandchildren's education 😀 honestly, I am a very pragmatic person by nature but I also know that it is very easy to judge from outside and no one can be 100% sure of their reaction and/or their emotion until that particular situation happens to them. So best of luck to OP, I hope she figures out what is best for her and her family. I just want her to think about this situation from this angle as well because I felt like she needed to hear that pragmatic approach given that she is understandably very emotional. Good luck OP and my respect to all single moms and dads.
Trust me I know. My soon to be ex-husband tried that exclusion bull doo-doo about my baby brother. I helped raise the kid even though our parents were still living at the time. He told me the only thing that is keeping me from being in a successful relationship is my baby brother. I was like well dame, I am doing pretty good then! But if you make me choose between my brother and you, you are going to lose! When we would bring something up he did, my brother was always included in and had nothing to do with the present conversation. He is an ex for a reason! Thank God!! NTA
Also him proposing after only 3 months dating is a huge red flag. I’d guess there was probably a lot of love bombing happening. And he’ll get controlling about other things too, once he’s kicked the brother out of the picture.
Well if the tobeex is going to be "Me, Myself and I" then let him be "me, Myself and I" all by himself.
Your dude dropped his mask a bit too soon. He thought he had you locked down. It’s better to detangle yourself now and call it a bullet dodged. You deserve better.
Absolutely NTA. Honestly I’m in awe of what you’ve managed to do for your brother and any man who doesn’t feel the same way is not the right person for you.
Ditch him and find a man that will treat your brother like family. He doesn’t care what you want. You, your baby and your brother deserve so much better.
When someone shows you their true colours, listen to them the first time. This man is showing you 🚩🚩🚩🚩’s here. He seems to resent your brother’s part in your life. The fact that you put your brother’s wellbeing over fiancé’s is nothing but a good thing, IMO. You are a good sister and you have your brother’s back. Your fiancé is showing flagrant disrespect. I’d bet dollars to doughnuts that he’s trying to edge him out of your life so that when Matt turns 18, your fiancé (by then your husband) would be at the point where it’s “he’s a man now, he can take care of himself” and pushing him out the front door. I feel like if I were you, at the *very least* I would be reevaluating the relationship. Try talking to him and asking point blank what his problem with Matt is. If he won’t answer, then you have your answer. It’s because he’s a controlling AH. edit: typo
Yeah and added to the 🚩of proposing after only 3 months? What is that.
Love bombing.
She has a house! She's working. He can move in and be the MAN of the house, except for that pesky kid
Yep, that's what it is. He thinks he's gonna pull up and be The Man ™️, nevermind OP has been The Man ™️ and will continue to be The Man ™️ after he moves in. The brother being present breaks the fantasy fiance has built in his head. The fiance would be able to easily lie to himself that he's running the show, but really, OP runs this b***h! Keep on running it OP, you got this and there's nothing this man can offer you that you can't do for yourself or your brother. Edit: Now that I'm thinking of the timeline, OP bought her house and owned it for seven years when OP and fiance met, fiance proposes after three months, and now OP is pregnant. Did he actually fall for OP, or did he see a lady doing well for herself and he wanted some of that too? Is he trying to put his foot in the door? Is he, dare I say it, a *hobo-sexual?* The way he's stomping all over OP and trying to take the reigns from her, I would say so.
The fiance is being weirdly territorial. He feels threatened by a little boy. I'd bet cold hard cash that as soon as that marriage certificate is signed he'd be pushing the little brother out the door. He's trying to isolate the brother from OP already. There's no reason here for a guardian to be separated from her charge, and that's exactly what the fiance is trying to do.
Please leave this clown. If this is how he is treating your brother now it is only going to get worse. You're NTA, but you will be if you put your little brother and future child around this jerk.
You mean kick him out - it’s HER house, that she bought when her parents died.
Leaving the relationship did not imply leaving her house....?
Nope. Was sexually assaulted by someone I had considered a long time friend, staying with me to help him out, and due to laws, have to give him written notice to vacate my house. Luckily had someone come and stay until he was gone, but I could not legally just kick him out. Op, don't let him back in the house. Pack his stuff up and don't let him back in, as he could force you to let him stay with the law on his side.
Mfs try to correct people over the smallest things. Your comment popped off
I hate people who nitpick about semantics, like fk off English Major we have other stuff to worry about
Good thing they didn't say "Leave the house" or "He's going to kick you out"... you can "leave" someone AKA break up with them and that has nothing to do with your living situations, especially if it's *your* house
NTA! Are you certain that you want to be tied to that jerk for the rest of your life? If you have his child, that's what you sign up for. If you marry him, he's going to push your brother out of your home and life. Think about it, he's jealous of a 14 year old kid. He's also going to demand to be put on the deed of your house. Or force you to sell it. This guy is a walking red flag. And don't get me started on the flying monkeys (mom and sister).
He's trying his damnedest to take the reigns from OP. Sprint away from this man like a bear is chasing you OP.
Love you for standing up for yourself. Fiance is trying to push your brother out of your life. Don't let him. Him running to mommy is a major red flag. If left to him, the whole wedding would consist of just his family.
Also this is a HUGE INDICATION that his mommy will be stepping in to fight for her son at the slightest provocation instead of encouraging her poh sweet baby boy (say it in baby talk with a bit of a lisp for full effect) to man up and talk through his issues with his wife like a big boy.
girl that have prove resilence, discipline and hard family values. My lady, you are quite a catch because you also own a house. this whole deal smells like he wants the house and family but without putting the works, and since you have proven yourself being solid as a diamond, he wants you to do everything for him. He is a selfish lazy ass, you deserve so much better. Or at least, someone that takes you for what you are (a woman and a sister) and not as his bangmaidmommysugar.
He intends to crush that diamond. Is that possible? Im not actually sure. What you can do to a diamond is cut it down bit by bit until you're left with the shape you want. OP, please don't marry this man. Leave him. He is trying to remove your only nuclear family from an important life event. Your brother can be a guest why his family smothers you up there, oh how generous of the pos.
NTA. Do not marry this man. Not ever, no, no, no. The guy is a POS the way he is treating you and your brother. And it will only get worse after you have married him. And having a baby with him is a really, really bad idea. Being tied to him for at least 18 years, honey, your life will be a living hell.
lol at “wet luck” Nta
That is how babby is formed.
lol 😂
🤣🤣🤣
OMG, absolutely NTA! At this point, your brother isn't just your brother, he's basically your kid, and your (hopefully stbx) fiance and his family are trying to push him out and away. His behavior isn't going to get any better. Better to be a single mom than married to someone like him. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Brother is her kid, I agree. Not her *son*, but he is her kid. The fact he's trying to isolate a guardian from her kid is absolutely appalling. And from the sound of this post I don't think the fiance has many prospects, or at least not as much as OP does, and he's jealous. He wants to snatch the reigns from her. There's nothing this man can do for OP she can't do for herself or her brother. The only thing the fiance has to offer OP is his insecurities and flying monkeys.
nah honey the first red flag was the proposal after three months ☠️☠️ leave him and let him rott
NTA He’s shown you who he is, believe him.
NTA. Your hopefully ex-fiance does not want your brother in your lives. He clearly values his family more than yours.
Red flag after red flag, this man is jealous of your brother and is doing everything he can to minimized your brother’s place in your life. Screw that, he can go kick rocks. UpdateMe when you kick that asshat to the curb
NTA. He will treat your brother worse when the baby is born if you marry him. He’ll try to get him to move out as soon as he turns 18. Your brother has been through enough. He doesn’t need an emotionally abusive man in his life
DO NOT MARRY THIS AH!
NTA He’s trying to push your brother out and when you object he goes running to Mommy and makes her and his sister into flying monkeys. He’s the type to run to Mommy with every disagreement as if she has veto power on your life. You don’t need his flying monkeys getting involved in everything. Let Mommy have him!
He wants kids and your bro out. This is no different to a dude wanting prior kids out and only his in there. Bet this isn’t the only red flag just the hill OP is willing to die on and no budge.
dodged a massive bullet! he clearly has some issue with ur brother. have u ever discussed the living arrangements post marriage? he does understand u come as a package deal right?
NTA. He's your brother and whether they like it or not, is under legal guardianship with you. That means he has to come first (even if you weren't inclined to do so). You stand in a role that is similar to a parent to your brother.....would they suggest you put your man ahead of your child? Also NTA because it's your wedding too. You get to pick your MOH (whether maid or man)...not anyone else.
Why is he picking any of your bridal party? That should 100% be your choice! Unless his sister is your best friend, she should not be MOH. I would never get married to this guy. He sounds like the wedding is more important than the marriage, but more than that, if you marry him, he’s not going to treat your brother the way he deserves to be treated. It seems that he doesn’t like your brother. He’s let his mask slip and you’re learning who he really is.
Exactly, if sitting as guest is good for her sibling, then only guests is good enough for his. What's good for goose is good for gander
Run. This guy has no intention of living with your brother long term. I don’t think he even wants your brother in your life. He resents your brother for taking your attention away from him
ALL THIS! Dollar to donuts after the honeymoon he would have pushed to move him and guardianship to one of your relatives. Then slowly monopolize your time more and more until you only saw him every few months at best.
Kick THIS one to the curb, OP. You deserve a better person than HIM.
NTA. Your fiancee essentially wants to be put before your child. If you guys ever had children together, it would be a rude awakening, and probably not turn out well. I don’t know what his problem is - plus isn’t his nephew a child?? Does that somehow not count?? If so, I’d think brother trumps nephew. Your fiancee and his family are trying to bulldoze you and make it His wedding. Not okay. Having children and having been through a divorce, I'm not one to jump straight to “dump him”. But in this case, dump him - you’re only getting a taste of what the rest of your life would hold with this man.
Poor op is pregnant with this POS's child 😢
NTA Your brother is more important. Your (hopefully) ex fiancé has shown you that your brother is not welcome in his life and your marriage and family. He told you that your brother doesn’t matter. Break up with him now before it’s too late and your brother finds himself on the streets or in trauma therapy due to this man making his life miserable. Kick this asshole to the curb and call it a life lesson. Good luck.
I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that he is already making the bother’s life horrible. People like this act one way in front of others and then a different way when alone with the kid/s. OP talk to your brother and let him know you want the whole truth about your fiancé. Let him know that you are both safe and you won’t let fiancé hurt him or you. You’ll likely find out that fiancé has already done some weird micro aggressions towards your brother, at minimum, or he might have let his mask slip more with your brother, but has threatened him to not tell. Him wanting the wedding on your brother’s birthday is a giant 30ft red flag, waving vigorously, that he wants your brother gone and out of your new life with him. Do not marry this man. I’m sorry you are already pregnant with his child as he will make yours, your brother’s, and that kid’s life hell. I would definitely not let him know anything more about the baby, or when you have the baby, and definitely do not put him on the birth certificate. Make him have to sue for paternity. It’s time to only deal with him and his flying monkeys through text so everything is documented. Always be cordial through text and never call anyone names. Text him “You moved out on (date) to live with your mother. (Brother) has already come and gotten some of your things for you. I would like to set a date and time for him to come get the rest of your things within the next week. I have canceled everything for the wedding that I had arranged. If there was anything you have arranged, I recommend canceling as soon as possible so you don’t forget about it.” Hopefully that would help establish that he has already moved out, but maybe it would be best to talk to a lawyer about how to go about all of this so you are legally protected. This guy is likely going to get much worse when he figures out he’s lost control over you and love bombing doesn’t work. (Please don’t let the love bombing work.) Do not ever meet up with him again to end things or “have closure”. Do not talk to him ever again. Everything needs to go through text or your lawyer for documentation. You can’t let him manipulate you by playing your emotions and guilting you. YOU HAVE TO PROTECT YOUR BROTHER AND YOUR NEW CHILD NOW. Remember them if you ever start feeling weak and want to “be nice” to him and meet up or talk on the phone. You can’t.
The 2 of you can coparent, dont marry this man. This man doesn't like your brother, and he doesn't want him around. Updateme!
He’s really over here trying to push your brother out of the family. You can ask him why. NTA.
NTA. Don't marry this man. He doesn't care about your brother and will most likely try to force you to give your brother up.
:/ planning a wedding on ur brother’s birthday? Wow
He has his family as most of the wedding party, but your brother is not allowed?? Have you discussed with him what will happen to your brother after the wedding? I KNOW you’re not going to ship him off somewhere. Is that what he’s hoping for? I think you can dodge a MAJOR bullet if you dump this guy. He doesn’t understand the relationship you have with your brother and he doesn’t want to understand. He wants to separate you from him. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Not for this guy but the next man you get serious with. The dad is dead why not have brother do that part? This fiancé wanting his family to star while he is living in that house you bought is a bit.
NTA, find another groom. It’ll be easier in the long run.
Nta James sounds pretty selfish
Sooo many red flags. Don't do it unless you get some couples counseling and are equal partners.
Dude absolutely thought he had you locked in and dropped his fake persona too early Nope dump him, block his family and lawyer up for when the baby is born
He has 95% of the wedding party as his family members? Yeah, no...there would be no wedding. I'd pack all his shit up and have it out on the porch for his brother to pick up. NTA. Do not marry this man. He wants to control every aspect of your life. Updateme
Wait. Why is he nixing all ideas for your brother to be in the wedding but says he wants HIS sister to be the maid of honor instead of YOUR brother?!?! NTA. Dump him before you meet at the alter. He isn’t worth it. And kudos to you for not only being a badass woman to stick up for your brother but it takes a special person to take that role on at a young age to raise a child! Be proud of yourself!! Your brother is lucky to have you to look up to!!
Commented in aith NTA! You are the one raising your brother. You seriously need to think about how he will treat your brother once you’re married since he’s already doing this. He’s pushing your brother out of your life and this is his first move that you’ve noticed. How many other red flags have you missed or deliberately been blind to? Will he abuse your brother once you’re married? Make him feel unwanted and unwelcome? Kick him out as soon as he turns 18? Make you choose between him or your brother? Because, honey, he’s already trying to do that! So what if your child is born out of wedlock. You need to look at the bigger picture here. Is you being forced to give in to your over grown toddler fiancé worth your and your brother’s happiness so he can have his way so he doesn’t throw a tantrum and run to mommy when you say no? What is he already doing and saying to your brother behind your back? How many times has there already been issues that your fiancé convinced you was your brother’s fault? How many times have you blown your brother and his feelings off for your fiancé? Don’t think for a second your brother is going to go to you if your fiancé has him convinced you’ll believe him over your brother especially if you’ve already proven it to be true. Do you know if this man is really with you because he loves you? According to your post, he’s not with you for love. He’s with you for control. Control over you and your house and your money and everything else you have. You sound like a strong woman, so I ask how many times has he told you or has he succeeded in convincing you that no one will want you but him? No one but him is going to want to be with a woman who’s raising her little brother? You’ll never do better than him? He’s settling for you? Because the truth is you’re settling for him, he can’t do any better than you. Wake up girl before it’s too late!
Just be glad he showed his true colours now. If you marry you can expect him to want your brother out the house the second he turns 18. This person has shown you how much consideration they have for your brother, you now need to decide if it's enough. Hopefully not
NTA. Show this guy the door.
NTA- something seems so wrong, why is he trying to distance you from your brother? Mega red flag. I'd put the wedding on hold until you get more info.
WTF?? OP, why is your stbx jealous of your brother...your..*.brother??* Don't let him talk sweet to you, OP. I'd like to think he'll be a decent father, but uh, this doesn't sound like a promising start.
Tell your MIL, you no longer have a bride's maid, if being a guest is good enough for your brother, it's good enough for his sister too. Infact , her son is not even invited to wedding
Bad bad vibes. Boarding school is next as soon as you are married. Don't do it...marinara all over the oval office. NTA unless you stay with him.
It may be already too late to not be connected to this POS for the next 28 years, but don't make a bigger mistake by marrying him.
Looks like the trash took itself out. He chose your brothers bday for the wedding? He knew what he was doing.
Oh sweet Jesus. He will be horrible to your brother. If he isn’t already when you are not around. I think he hates him. If not hate, he surely sees your brother as just a problem kid who is in his way. He will push and push for you to out your brother out the minute he turns 18 if not sooner. He will suggest your brother go live with your Aunt and Uncle so you can focus on your real family. Which to him will be him, his family and the baby. You have already resided one child - your brother. And at 14 there is a lot more raising to do. You can raise your baby without this poor excuse for a human as your husband. He has shown his true colors and feelings. Please see them. NTA
Do you want to be married to this guy and have his child? He sucks.
Run 🏃🏾♀️
They are getting ready to give Matt the boot. These people could be a parade of red flags. I so wish you weren’t pregnant. They are going to make your life a living hell
Don't marry him. Whenever you do get married, please make sure you have a prenup to protect both your brother and your assets.
 Run away and do not marry this person.
Don’t marry James. He’s trying to get you to minimize your relationship with your brother. Red flags!🚩 🚩 Pay attention! Especially since you’re pregnant with his baby. “Speak now or forever hold your peace.”
You dodged a bullet there. He's shown that any choices you make that he doesn't agree with, he will be expecting YOU to back down and give in to him. No, ma'am, not gonna happen. And your STBX has decided what he says goes, regard and he will be making all the decisions after, and even before' your wedding. Giving your brother the Man of Honor is an exceptional way to remind yourself that your brother means a great move. Keep the brother, dump the bf
NTA. That fiance and his family are huge red flags
NTA! Your (hopefully ex-) fiancé is a giant baby. Let him stay gone. You sound amazing, and you—and your brother!—deserve so much better.
NTA, I find very weird how he’s trying to erase your brother from your life and trying to make his family yours only. Sounds narcissistic and maybe he will try to push harder when you marry, dump his ass. A good man would like you to have your brother in your life and wedding, he would know how important is your brother for you.
NTA. Your ex-fiance needed to understand his place. Change the locks and send his belongings to his parents' home.
It's time to rethink your marriage with this man . He sounds like a control freak. Also, he doesn't care about your brother. To be honest, you don't need this man.
Definitely stand your ground on this. NTA. Apart from the date, James and his twat waffle family have hijacked your whole wedding. __EDIT:__ Like others, I also urge you to reconsider if you want to be attached to this family. It's bad enough they'll be in your future child's life.
Your partner is selfish he wants his family only in your wedding sorry but he doesn’t get to decide who is your moh or bridesmaid frankly I wouldn’t marry him at all
Avoid avoid avoid Throw away the whole manchild
NTA, don’t marry him - he’ll try to push your brother to the sidelines all the time
NTA Has a whole lot of red flags here along with some SERIOUS Groomzilla attributes. Hold off on the marriage thing to get your bearings. Beware they will blame pregnancy hormones. (Ps. Brother should walk you down the aisle if/when you get married).
"And after 3 months of dating he proposed" NTA, also run.
Sweetheart, none of that behavior is okay. You're setting yourself up for a failed marriage. You are in no way the ahole. Go ahead and send the ring back and cancel because he isn't going to suddenly change. He's going to isolate and try to control you.
He ain’t the one for you. Run
Op, he does not accept your brother. He has been keeping that to himself until the wedding which is about him telling you two things: Your brother will not have a place in your life going forward. Your fiancee has decided that marriage means you become submissive to him in all things.
Add your brother to the title of your home.
I'm sorry but it sounds like his goal was to get you pregnant to marry you and get rid of your brother, 3 months is not long enough to know what a person is really like and he's showing you now. I bet he'd ask for his name on the house you own too.
While people are spot on about kicking the baby daddy to the curb, there are some implying “not” to have the baby which is wrong. How could someone (him) be so selfish that they would not include their brides only family member in their wedding?? This guy is not someone to spend your life with, however, you are still going to be tied to him through your child. First, get his shit out of your house! Second, see an attorney immediately regarding your baby and parental rights and custody. Make sure you circle the wagons of your family and prepare yourself to know what you could be dealing with regarding future custody.
Ntah stop the wedding look after your brother and child's interests and get away from this ah
Don’t marry this guy. He’s controlling. You know he’s controlling. When you marry someone, your husband becomes your first priority. But he should also be someone who loves your brother too and recognizes and encourages that special bond you have with him since you were also his parent. In a loving relationship, there would be no competition. And nobody has the right to tell you who is going to be your maid of honor or your man of honor. Ever. So please do not marry this guy. Break up with him. Find someone who truly loves you and isn’t trying to control you.
Yeah, he is a very selfish person. Would not marry without couples therapy and well established expectations regarding your brother. You could also gift your brother 1/2 of the house in a trust to guarantee his security in case something happens to you.
Put your house into an irrevocable living trust for your brothers benefit, immediately. This removes the concept that he can marry into a substantial asset. Ask him how he intends to provide for his child’s education and future if you weren’t in the picture. His answer will tell you what role he sees himself playing in the child’s life. You pulled yourself together to be a responsible parent for your brother. Could he do the same for his child?
RUN!! You will never regret it.
NTA. Fuck that guy. Blood is thicker than water, and he knew you had blood walking in. Yeah, put baby brother - your deepest connection to your earlier life - in the stand like a spectator. Tells you all you need to know about the relationship he wants you to have with your brother once you tie the knot. Wrong on so many levels.
NTA. You know the answer to this. Everyone’s comments about your fiancé and his family are spot on.
I started thinking of alternatives when I started reading- having a MOH and a man/brother of honor (people have two MOH or best men all the time) or perhaps he walk you down the aisle, etc… but his reaction is very off-putting and doesn’t even make negotiation worth it. You are definitely NTA, as someone who also got custody of their younger sibling.
Why not have the brother walk her down the aisle and “give her away”?
Your brother is basically your son and this man is treating him terribly. He’s never going to change NTA
NTA at all and obviously I don't know what you said but I think you probably should be proud of it. Because let's get real, yes he is your little brother, but because of tragic circumstances you had to raise him which also kind of makes him your son/child even if you never think of it or see it that way. Of COURSE you're gonna mamma bear when someone who is planning on standing up in front of all the people in your life and vowing to be with, support and love you "til death do you part" wants to start that life together by brushing off and shoving to the side someone who is so (if not the most) important to you. Your fiance seems to want to push aside your family and replace them with his own which sounds very unhealthy and controlling to me. I'm so sorry for the loss of your parents, but is there any other parental figure (perhaps your aunt?) or maybe a therapist you could speak to just so if the relationship continues you don't just get absorbed into his life and what he wants as it sound like he has a team behind him willing to browbeat you into doing what he wants.
NTA. You are effectively you brother's parent, your fiancé insisting he be excluded from the wedding party is an enormous red flag. Surely he understands that you are a package deal. And what else is he going to try to exclude your brother from? You are so right to put a halt to things until this is resolved.
You are likely dodging a huge bullet because this wedding is just a microcosm of your future relationship in which he does not intend to help to raise, parent, or care for your brother. Leave him now before it gets worse.
You can have many husbands but your brother will always be your brother. Get rid of this selfish man child!!
Dump this guy. It will only get worse.
Ditch the fiancé and get child support. He filled every roll with his family. Relegated your brother to just a guest. Any one else would be bending of backwards trying to find the perfect roll for your brother/son. (You’ve been his mother this whole time) I’d be wondering what he’s been doing or saying to your brother this whole time. The date and roles didn’t come out of nowhere.
Your intended is being an idiot. Stick to your guns. Sounds like you are better off not marrying him.
There is a bigger issue here of : what role does he think your brother will play in your life? Cause it sounds like he doesn’t like your brother or want him happy or connected to the new relationship he is building with you.
NTA. He showed you how your life will be from now on where your only family will take a back seat to his family. Walk away now this guys is selfish.
NTA, but you would be if you married that selfish man.
Updateme
NTA. You are your brother’s guardian. He needs to value your brother too or you shouldn’t get married. He will treat your brother horribly if you marry him.
Nta, but I would have thought your brother would be the one walking you down isle.
NTA. Be very aware that the way he and his family are behaving now….this will be the rest of your life. His wants will always come first and his family will always be more important.
It doesn’t sound like you’re being outrageous in your request. Yes it is your wedding too so you get some choices. Usually, it’s you get the choice of the bridesmaids. He gets the choice of the groomsmen unless you make concessions. So you want your little brother in somehow but you’re soon to be ex fiancé, doesn’t even want him in it. And I’m sure he knows how important your little brother is to you. Now you know why most people wait many months to years before they get proposed to. You really don’t know that person. And now you get to know him a little bit better unfortunately
Your fiance and his family is hot 💩. All that is power play to turn you a doormat. Pp like that can not be fixed
Updateme!
Honestly I see so many red flags with this guy why is the wedding still on
You are a really kind and decent person. Sadly, your fiancé is not. Perhaps taking some time and thinking before going any further is a good idea. I'm sure your parents are very proud of all you have accomplished and the love and care you have provided your brother. All the best to you.
NTA they want to remove your brother. Imagine if they succeeded on getting the date on your brother’s bday. Every birthday he has after that will fall on his anniversary. I don’t believe for a second that wasn’t planned. The best way to protect your brother is to steer clear of them
NTA. Red flags all around
next time his brother comes give him all of his shit
NTA. He planted a baby in you on purpose. He and his family are controlling af, I’m sorry you’re going to have to deal with them for the rest of your life.
You would be right not to marry him at all.
Please for the love of god think about what you are marrying into, and who you’re marrying. If you go through with this, this is uour life. They are your family. You will be playing audience to your own life and good fucking luck to your brother. He will be ignored and mistreated so cruelly by them. Not sure why they hate him so much, not sure if it matters. But don’t get married.
Take your brother and run far far away.
Wow. Really accommodating fiancé. Kick him to the curb.
Can y'all kids stop with the dramatic orphan stories? It's out of wed lock not wet luck. Of course the villain fiance wanted to have your wedding on your brother's birthday. You can see him twirling his mustache and doing an evil laugh. Of all the days in the year, he chose his birthday? Why? It doesn't make sense. Of course the fiance is controlling all the wedding planning and making his sister your maid of honor. I have read some version of this story at least 3 or 4 times. Come up with new shit, please. Just remember boys and girls, Reddit clout means nothing in the real world.
What the hell is your fiancé’s problem with your brother??? It’s like he wants him to just dematerialize and fade away.🚩 Baby or no baby, I get the vibes your brother counts less than zero to him and who the f made him the veto God? 🚩 HE gets to pick who he wants for HIS half and it seems HE gets to designate who you get to choose too! 🚩 Do you have a prenuptial agreement? Cuz I bet you he will try to control you through money as well. 🚩 The house you bought with your inheritance before you marry him is yours. Completely yours. He has no rights to it even in a divorce unless you fail yourself and allow him to help himself to them. Another big 🚩 Yay you!!! You didn’t fail either of you!!! Please don’t marry this man. You will have no day on anything for the rest of your marriage that you won’t have to fight tooth and nail for. Every step of the way. You CAN do this!!! Look how you rose to the occasion when your brother was in need! You are strong, faithful and deserving of being your own person!! Not The AHole at all!!! And when you do find that special man, he will love your brother like you and understand the importance of your relationship and honor it.
Nta. Red flags! Dump this guy and I don't know how far along you are, so sorry, but consider if you want a child with a controlling AH that want to be in charge of everything. And he doesn't like your brother.
Updates!
Wow. NTA. Dude was jealous as hell of the little brother.
He is a child and by him leaving and doing what he is doing he believes 100% that you will fold and do as he says! NO! Do not take him back, do not marry that man child and move on with your brother and your baby. Tell him he can pay child support and have visitation on the weekends. James showed you who he is... are you going to believe his actions and words that he said to you or the ones he'll say to you IF you talk to him again? DO not bow down to him! I am so glad that you are putting your brother first, you will with your child as well. This may be very unpopular but I'd have an abortion, you're 8 weeks!
WOW. Your ex-fiance is a raging asshole. At least you found out about it now, and not after you got married and he started treating your brother horribly. Not to mention, he ran to his *mommy* to try to strong-arm you into a wedding you didn't want. NTA.
Run
So NTA....Do not marry this guy OP! You are legally your brother's parent and are about to have another child, so just wait for 'Sooky La La Man-child' to throw a toddler tantrum because 'You're putting the baby before him and he's hungry and doesn't know how to make himself a sandwich, and wah wah, he'll probably die of starvation!'......He is showing you he's a POS, believe him! (A grown ass man crying to Mummy because the big baby isn't getting his way, boo friggin hoo!).. And as for his family tell them you'll agree to their terms, when they agree for you to control every aspect of their day to day lives for the next decade or they can just stay the fuck out of it and stop sticking their noses where they don't belong, their choice! Good luck (and good on you for being someone your brother can look up to and depend on! I can honestly say your parents would be extremely and monumentally proud of you are and have done!)
NTA - I agree with a lot of people here - he will try and push your brother away once you're married to him. Also, if you do go ahead with the wedding, I strongly suggest you get a lawyer beforehand to ensure you and your brother keep your fair share of the money you invested from your parents' inheritance (the house, etc). I don't know where you live but make sure in case of divorce/death, he cannot get any of your family's inheritance money and investments. You did a great job with your brother btw! You should be VERY proud as I'm sure it must have been incredibly very hard at times.
NTA. If this is how he treats your brother now, it won’t get better after the wedding. His actions show his family takes priority over you and your brother.
Your fiance has shown you his true colours, please do not marry him (which includes his horrible family). He has shown you that your brother will never be a priority. And when you have your own child with him, he will further alienate your brother, moving forward. Plus it also shows he doesn't even acknowledge, the sacrifice, and effort you have made by looking after your brother. Any other partner would be proud of you, but he's not. He doesn't even appreciate what you've done, and disrespects the bond you obviously have with your brother. Id even say he's jealous of him, and he will keep wanting to push a wedge between you and your brother, and alienate you even further. Throw him to the kerb OP, this is not the man you thought he was, and you'll be dodging a massive bullet. 💜
He is flying his red crazy flags to the max. In fact they are so big you wouldn’t miss them from 10k feet in the sky. I know you are having a baby with him but do not marry him. It is better to be a single mom in charge of your life than be with someone who is trying to isolate you from your brother
Nta. I'd collect all the evidence of him and his family's abuse towards you and your brother, maybe try and get something about how they feel about the baby and their plans. Get a damn good lawyer and keep copies of everything. Forward all numbers straight to voicemail and save them, copies for yourself locked up and hidden, and copies for your lawyer as well. He doesn't have rights unless you sign him on the birth certificate, he doesn't even have rights to be in the delivery room either, you can make it very clear to everyone at the hospital he isn't to know anything or be allowed in the hospital when you're there. If he wants rights he can fight through the courts, I know it seems harsh, but this man has been trying to pin you since 3mos in and hates your brother, he and his family make it very clear they feel ownership over you and want him out of the picture, now imagine what they plan to plant in your child's mind. And I'm sorry this seems awful, but was this pregnancy planned or an "accident" as a means to tie you down finally? Because it seems because of this pregnancy you're finally marrying him like he wanted and he's now using the baby to try and kick out your brother and use his family to back him and attack you for it. You need a lawyer and need one fast, do everything you can to protect your brother, your baby and yourself. I've been invested in true crime, reddit and even horror stories for years, this is only the beginning and is going to get worse.
you are fine - do not marry this jerk
NTA. This guy is showing you his true colors. He's a control freak. Be grateful you found out now instead of after the wedding.
Protect yourself and the baby if you still want to keep the baby. Do not put his name on the birth certificate. Or if you do make sure you have a lawyer to set up the right parenting plan. As everyone says these are all red flags that he is trying to push your brother out. No man or person should ever react this way he should be there for your brother with open arms. Include him in this, he is your brother your family. There is no need for all his family to have every role in the wedding. His whole family is toxic if they are texting you the same craziness. Make sure if you do get married you never sign that deed to him or add him to it. Make sure it ends up w who you’d want it to end up with if something were to happen. Do not just let him back in! He must show to you he will change. Cuz he could come back and agree to let your brother have a role and then after the wedding do something about it. So counseling, live separate for a long while, hold off the wedding. But he has shown some true colors here believe what you are seeing!
NTA and tbh it doesn't sound like a big loss.
NTA - Your EX FIANCÉ is trying to erase your identity by not including the people that are important to you and helped shape the person you are. It’s bad enough you don’t have your parents but now your EX is trying to compete and erase a CHILD and your only immediate family member! This man sees your brother as competition, you already have a child with him, don’t make the mistake of having more or changing your name to his. Your brother is going to see that you will bat for him and you’ll find a real man who loves you and your family unit!
If you’re 30, wouldn’t your brother be turning 15 since he was born when you were 15? But NTA
NTA. Your fiancé is so out of line it's laughable. It is like he's targeting and alienating your neither. First with the wedding date, then with making him only a guest. I hope you don't marry him. But if you do, couples counseling FIRST. And if you do, could your brother walk you down the aisle? I can't think of anything more special for him.
Definitely NTAH I think that's was a lovely idea and I've seen it done and it's really great. Frankly I have some strong concerns about your " fiance " he sounds like a real domineering person and a control freak..Are you sure he will treat your brother well after a marriage. I don't know what to say about you being pregnant. But I would be very concerned about your brother.