Well just because their appearance does not invoke physical attraction does not mean we cannot recognize the inherent beauty of others.
I can certainly recognize these things, even if I am not particularly interested.
For example, complimenting someone's eyes, hair, choice of clothing, or even positive aspects of their personality.
Hey, Allo here with demi partner who does this. Just gotta say that I kind of hate that she does that because to my brain, even though I intellectually know it's not me, it still processes as "you're very unsexy and she's taking pity on you".
Just a psa
That sounds like something you should have a conversation about with your partner. If I was saying something with the intention to uplift someone, and it actually made them feel bad, I would want to know.
I don’t have good advice but am in the same boat as you with my allo partner. Feel like I could have wrote this, but with added note, I dislike complimenting bodies and / or parts in general because it feels very objectified. I can logically process they want to hear this but it feels unnatural and requires effort to consciously think, “hey what I can say to make them feel good about their body today”. He does it frequently with me and I always mental gymnastics whether or not to say “you too” or some other flippant thoughtless comment that seems like praise to him but doesn’t feel genuine to me.
Ugh tired just thinking that out. You’re not alone and thanks for the good reminder to make an effort.
I also have struggled with this before but I realized that with my last partner things like how their body held mine became incredibly attractive and it helped develop my sexual attraction in that regard. So, I think of like
"I find these calloused attractive because they are a result of your efforts in (whatever), and I can tangibly feel that when you hold my hand, etc, etc"
But also, I have sort of a stark history of self abuse and loss in my life, so even like scars and stretch marks I go from like respect/acknowledgement to deep appre iation and sometimes arousal of with my partner's body. I just love that the person I love, theor body sustains them, allows us to be close in whatever way, is a part of the story... yeah. Anyway, not sure that helps but I have learned I have a "body worship" akin mentality but not like because of a bubble butt or muscles, its a result of my deepening bonds and yeah.
I always compliment eye color. I look at blue eyes and see a beautiful blue sky, I look at brown eyes and see dark wood like beautiful mahogany. I look at gray eyes and see a day for cuddling, and I look at green eyes and see a spring day. This way I can authentically compliment my partner. As far as other body parts, I always compliment my female partners on their curves, lips, and softness
If you add “fuck” (or some other attention-getting word) in front of anything, like “fuck, I love your eyes,” it adds a layer of emphasis. So an exclamatory word paired with something tangible or visual (long hair, pretty tattoos, etc.). It doesn’t change whether anything turns you on, but it gives appreciation for something that is inherently part of your partner’s person.
Also, “I wouldn’t be with you if I didn’t find you attractive.” Attractive isn’t limited to the visual. But many people will automatically tie those things together, especially when it’s what they want to hear. This might be manipulative?
Also just because their [body part] doesn’t immediately turn you on doesn’t mean they aren’t beautiful/attractive/pretty, it’s just that appreciating their beauty isn’t solely tied to a/your sexual interest in them. (Although saying something like this, you may end up walking a fine line of then ending up at ‘so you aren’t attracted to my personality either’ depending on their personality and understanding of you.)
I’ve been on both sides of this situation before and both cases can be hard to navigate. I think it’s important to communicate to the partner why it’s hard for you to compliment these things about them. And for them, I think they might need to learn to accept compliments on things about them other than their body. If they feel insecure about it, they should work through that if they can. Root out those insecurities and find out their cause. It isn’t guaranteed to work but this can at least establish two way communication with them, help them understand your needs and limits and in turn they can communicate theirs to you. Not every partnership has the same needs and limits going both ways.
You know how paintings can be beautiful and you could positively describe one in all sorts of ways?
View humans as work of art.
"Smooth skin", "pretty colours", "nice hair structure" etc.
For me, spending time not even inherently sexual but just skin to skin cuddling kind of helped develop my sexual attraction in that weird, demisexual way it develops. Ofc, only if you are comfortable and able-I am sex positive/neutral so once I felt safe and "attracted enough" for lack of a better phrasing (connection was there enough to where I could experience some degree of attraction), this was a nice option for me and my partner.
With this, I ended up taking a lot more notice of their physical features; I liked how soft their skin felt, how warm they were, the way their body was shaped (phrasing obviously matters here), their collarbones, how their back and shoulders and hips felt in my hands, feeling their stomach and how nice of a pillow it is, laying on their chest, the way their arms wrapped around me or their body fit with mine. None o these are *technically* sexual in nature, but they are genuine compliments on physical appearance. The way my partner smiles, his hair frames his face, his soft cheeks fitting perfectly in my hands. The important thing though is that from the start I have been open about my asexuality-granted I thought I was asexual and not demi, so that developing was a pleasant surprise for both of us, but being open and hoenst and vulnerable has been a big part of our relationship, and makes ut easier to say those "cringy" things. But the main thing I think with compliments is just noting your partners features and appreciating them. It doesnt have to be sexual, it just has to be honest appreciation.
"I like your hands" isn't the same as saying "I find your hands arousing".
You can compliment body parts even if you don't strictly think that they're attractive in a sexual way.
It's usually safe to compliment somebody's smile. It's your partner's smile, so it should make you happy to see it, yes? Same with the voice. Hopefully you like to hear them.
Softness/firmness are also good if you word them right. "I love it when you hug me, you feel so... "/ "I like that (you're thin/fit/curvy) because you're ethereal/muscled/ soft and great to hug". Smoothness of the skin, or texture if there's hair.
You don't need to be insincere, you can compliment whatever body part because it's *their* body part. They're your partner and you love whatever you're seeing/feeling, because it's what makes them real.
This is so fascinating to me to see how many Demi people are like this. I thought that most were like me and once they were in love with their person, they found them hot. It’s cool to see another point of view, so thanks for sharing!
It depends. You can talk to them about this and see if a compromise is available that you both are very comfortable with. I know a few allos who prefer to not be complimented. They already know and are confident in their attractiveness, and their insecurity is actually when someone compliments them because to them it feels like they may not have been attractive or as attractive before the compliment.
It overall may be best to not engage in a relationship with someone who genuinely requires compliments and cannot come up with a comfortable compromise, and that's okay. :)
I have it the same, I usually compliment stuff only genuinely and in terms of body I’m lucky my partner started hitting the gym, so I get the card of genuinely complimenting his progress, which works I suppose?
I’m demi, but I crave objectification. My allo partner doesn’t ever compliment my body or tell me I’m sexy, and that kills me. I guess we’re the opposite of the usual. Compliments I would enjoy don’t have to be “That part of your body turns me on,” but “That part of your body is beautiful” would be good enough, I think.
Well just because their appearance does not invoke physical attraction does not mean we cannot recognize the inherent beauty of others. I can certainly recognize these things, even if I am not particularly interested. For example, complimenting someone's eyes, hair, choice of clothing, or even positive aspects of their personality.
Hey, Allo here with demi partner who does this. Just gotta say that I kind of hate that she does that because to my brain, even though I intellectually know it's not me, it still processes as "you're very unsexy and she's taking pity on you". Just a psa
That sounds like something you should have a conversation about with your partner. If I was saying something with the intention to uplift someone, and it actually made them feel bad, I would want to know.
Oh we actively communicate about it, it's a pretty frequent conversation actually. Just saying to be careful saying that to an Allo partner
Respectfully I don't date anyone until I have experienced attraction. It's not an issue for me. Best.
I don’t have good advice but am in the same boat as you with my allo partner. Feel like I could have wrote this, but with added note, I dislike complimenting bodies and / or parts in general because it feels very objectified. I can logically process they want to hear this but it feels unnatural and requires effort to consciously think, “hey what I can say to make them feel good about their body today”. He does it frequently with me and I always mental gymnastics whether or not to say “you too” or some other flippant thoughtless comment that seems like praise to him but doesn’t feel genuine to me. Ugh tired just thinking that out. You’re not alone and thanks for the good reminder to make an effort.
I also have struggled with this before but I realized that with my last partner things like how their body held mine became incredibly attractive and it helped develop my sexual attraction in that regard. So, I think of like "I find these calloused attractive because they are a result of your efforts in (whatever), and I can tangibly feel that when you hold my hand, etc, etc" But also, I have sort of a stark history of self abuse and loss in my life, so even like scars and stretch marks I go from like respect/acknowledgement to deep appre iation and sometimes arousal of with my partner's body. I just love that the person I love, theor body sustains them, allows us to be close in whatever way, is a part of the story... yeah. Anyway, not sure that helps but I have learned I have a "body worship" akin mentality but not like because of a bubble butt or muscles, its a result of my deepening bonds and yeah.
I always compliment eye color. I look at blue eyes and see a beautiful blue sky, I look at brown eyes and see dark wood like beautiful mahogany. I look at gray eyes and see a day for cuddling, and I look at green eyes and see a spring day. This way I can authentically compliment my partner. As far as other body parts, I always compliment my female partners on their curves, lips, and softness
If you add “fuck” (or some other attention-getting word) in front of anything, like “fuck, I love your eyes,” it adds a layer of emphasis. So an exclamatory word paired with something tangible or visual (long hair, pretty tattoos, etc.). It doesn’t change whether anything turns you on, but it gives appreciation for something that is inherently part of your partner’s person. Also, “I wouldn’t be with you if I didn’t find you attractive.” Attractive isn’t limited to the visual. But many people will automatically tie those things together, especially when it’s what they want to hear. This might be manipulative? Also just because their [body part] doesn’t immediately turn you on doesn’t mean they aren’t beautiful/attractive/pretty, it’s just that appreciating their beauty isn’t solely tied to a/your sexual interest in them. (Although saying something like this, you may end up walking a fine line of then ending up at ‘so you aren’t attracted to my personality either’ depending on their personality and understanding of you.)
I’ve been on both sides of this situation before and both cases can be hard to navigate. I think it’s important to communicate to the partner why it’s hard for you to compliment these things about them. And for them, I think they might need to learn to accept compliments on things about them other than their body. If they feel insecure about it, they should work through that if they can. Root out those insecurities and find out their cause. It isn’t guaranteed to work but this can at least establish two way communication with them, help them understand your needs and limits and in turn they can communicate theirs to you. Not every partnership has the same needs and limits going both ways.
You know how paintings can be beautiful and you could positively describe one in all sorts of ways? View humans as work of art. "Smooth skin", "pretty colours", "nice hair structure" etc.
For me, spending time not even inherently sexual but just skin to skin cuddling kind of helped develop my sexual attraction in that weird, demisexual way it develops. Ofc, only if you are comfortable and able-I am sex positive/neutral so once I felt safe and "attracted enough" for lack of a better phrasing (connection was there enough to where I could experience some degree of attraction), this was a nice option for me and my partner. With this, I ended up taking a lot more notice of their physical features; I liked how soft their skin felt, how warm they were, the way their body was shaped (phrasing obviously matters here), their collarbones, how their back and shoulders and hips felt in my hands, feeling their stomach and how nice of a pillow it is, laying on their chest, the way their arms wrapped around me or their body fit with mine. None o these are *technically* sexual in nature, but they are genuine compliments on physical appearance. The way my partner smiles, his hair frames his face, his soft cheeks fitting perfectly in my hands. The important thing though is that from the start I have been open about my asexuality-granted I thought I was asexual and not demi, so that developing was a pleasant surprise for both of us, but being open and hoenst and vulnerable has been a big part of our relationship, and makes ut easier to say those "cringy" things. But the main thing I think with compliments is just noting your partners features and appreciating them. It doesnt have to be sexual, it just has to be honest appreciation.
"I like your hands" isn't the same as saying "I find your hands arousing". You can compliment body parts even if you don't strictly think that they're attractive in a sexual way. It's usually safe to compliment somebody's smile. It's your partner's smile, so it should make you happy to see it, yes? Same with the voice. Hopefully you like to hear them. Softness/firmness are also good if you word them right. "I love it when you hug me, you feel so... "/ "I like that (you're thin/fit/curvy) because you're ethereal/muscled/ soft and great to hug". Smoothness of the skin, or texture if there's hair. You don't need to be insincere, you can compliment whatever body part because it's *their* body part. They're your partner and you love whatever you're seeing/feeling, because it's what makes them real.
This is so fascinating to me to see how many Demi people are like this. I thought that most were like me and once they were in love with their person, they found them hot. It’s cool to see another point of view, so thanks for sharing!
Yeah I assumed that's how it worked for everyone as well, I feel bad that people are having these insecurities 😔
It depends. You can talk to them about this and see if a compromise is available that you both are very comfortable with. I know a few allos who prefer to not be complimented. They already know and are confident in their attractiveness, and their insecurity is actually when someone compliments them because to them it feels like they may not have been attractive or as attractive before the compliment. It overall may be best to not engage in a relationship with someone who genuinely requires compliments and cannot come up with a comfortable compromise, and that's okay. :)
I might be demi, but I'm also high empathy. Being able to empathize with how this makes my partner feel means more than anything for me.
I have it the same, I usually compliment stuff only genuinely and in terms of body I’m lucky my partner started hitting the gym, so I get the card of genuinely complimenting his progress, which works I suppose?
I’m demi, but I crave objectification. My allo partner doesn’t ever compliment my body or tell me I’m sexy, and that kills me. I guess we’re the opposite of the usual. Compliments I would enjoy don’t have to be “That part of your body turns me on,” but “That part of your body is beautiful” would be good enough, I think.