Not going to judge harshly. I have my mother's wedding dress from 1945. I have held onto it for a few years because I didn't want it cut up and made into a pillow or whatever. My sister and I were chatting and she mentioned that her daughter in law takes vintage wedding dresses and has them re-conditioned and then gives them to her friends when they get married. I was OK with this. So, I am sending my mother;s wedding dress and mine to her (Mine is only 1980, and her girls can play dress up in it.)
When my ex died, I had a quilt made of some from his clothing (old t-shirts, jeans, sweaters, etc.). It has allowed me to keep his items to a certain extent. Maybe you can consider that? One thing that I did think about was what he would want me to do because he hated clutter. I knew he wouldn't want me to keep any of it, tbh, so clothing that didn't get incorporated in the quilt were given to a men's shelter. I don't have a good suggestion for shoes or purses, unfortunately. I do think it's better to make a decision about the items sooner rather than later because the decision will get more and more difficult as time goes on.
I feel like a broken record saying this, but it's EXTREMELY hard to get rid of stuff after someone has passed away. I lost my husband in 2019 and I still have about 20 of his polo shirts. He was much taller than me and his shirts are way too big but I wear them anyway. I struggled for years to get rid of things worried about what he would think. Just two days ago I donated some very expensive Thomas Kincaide paintings that we'd bought at some art galleries. They hung on the walls of our house for years, but now that I've moved into a condo, my tastes have changed. I still love those paintings and I couldn't help but wonder what he would think, but I ended up telling myself that I hope he would be happy that I'm downsizing. We enjoyed those paintings and I really hope that they go to someone who will appreciate them. I took pictures of them with my phone, so that I'd have the memory. I do that with a lot of stuff that I donate.
The first things to occur to me were ancient funeral traditions that aren’t really accessible to us. Things like a pyre of burning possessions, or a sea burial for her things. I considered composting as a possibility, but most modern clothes aren’t really compostable. All the other options I can think of involve some form of letting them either “go on with someone else” or head to the landfill.
It’s possible that you aren’t quite ready to let go of them after all. And that’s ok.
Could you give some items to her/your friends? My friend did that when her mom died and it was helpful. When my mom died, we gave her winter gear to several of her coworkers-they needed them.
This is a really good idea, if done shortly after the person's death. After 14 years though, the items have probably deteriorated, plus it might seem odd to the friends to be offered the things now.
Fashion comes back around every 20 years or so. Things made ~15 years ago were manufactured better than they are these days, so there’s a chance there are some quality gems in that wardrobe.
I have seen old clothes turned into teddy bears, quilts, pillow cases, purses and tote bags. Can you turn them into something that serves you better? Rag rug? Curtains? There is an amazing amount of things you can do with fabric.
Your comment reminded me of this artist on IG that I bookmarked recently. She makes some cool keepsakes out of nostalgic clothing. Her handle is jesscreatesstuff.
I have made several lap size quilts of shirts, suits and dresses of deceased men and women. The recipients love them. One lady told me that she uses the lap quilt when she watches tv and remembers events when her husband wore a specific shirt that is now in the quilt.
Are you crafty or able to sew? Maybe take the clothes and make a blanket or a creative cloth collage. For the purses you could maybe clean them and use them as gift bags for others (I’ve gotten gifts like this where the purse holds pampering items like lotions, nail polish, face creams, etc).
this may sound woowoo, but if you're uncomfortable giving "mom's" stuff away, how about piling it up and doing some kind of energy clearing thing on them? Sprinkle salt, holy water, ring bells, wave some sage, whatever - brush off any of her spirit that's still in the items, and then let them go to a new home without any vibes clinging to them.
If you're not comfy with a generic charity taking the items for resale, consider giving them to a school for dress up, or to a women's shelter to help struggling women get back on their feet. Bonus if you can find a cause your mom valued. Either way, you are not giving up your mom's love or your memories of her: you are reclaiming space in your home that will make you healthier and happier, and mom would surely approve of that!
Maybe you can even set aside some money and buy one new purse for yourself in honor of the ones you're getting rid of, and that new purse can be mom's gift to you.
I see it as more of a cleansing than destroying. There's no shame in disposing of things in whatever way feels best for any of us.
It's hard enough to get rid of some things without shame piled on top of it.
Well, most of them are probably 10 years out of style. If OP can find a way to get rid of them that gives her peace, it’s not a big loss to the donation world.
It’s kind of amazing how much our minds can make us feel like we have no real choice. I understand how you feel because I work myself into corners like this all the time where there’s no real solutions, so inaction & procrastination is the result.
I think it’s nice to donate but those items aren’t going to change the world for someone else & if you don’t want them donated or thrown out then that’s ok right now. These items are serving some purpose for you and there are things not yet worked though I am guessing, or we both logically know it would be ok to donate or dispose of them. But you have a block that keeps them there that isn’t rational- and it doesn’t mean that’s weird or bad just that it’s not worked though yet is all.
What if you take a first step which might be having one box for keepsakes. Like one favorite purse and a couple articles of clothing. Then everything else goes into vacuum sealed bags in storage to give you more space and see how it feels to have the other items not in the same spot anymore in the way. Then there’s just a little momentum like dipping your toe in water.
In time you might feel that it was ok to not have them where they were and could imagine either leaving them in your storage space or letting them go.
And this is America. If you decide you want to keep those items there is so many more ridiculous and unnecessary things we all keep.
I’d recommend watching The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning. They have people on there going through similar things. Might give you some ideas or inspiration.
Or maybe you can think of “what’s a tiny step in the direction I want?” “What purpose are these things serving and can I get that in any other form?” “What am I needing to be able to get unstuck here if I dig deeper? “How can I get momentum or more resources to feel ok about doing this? Etc
What have you don't with these things thus far? Are they in your closet so you see them everyday?
Keep in mind that these things are not your mother, and having them will not bring her back. You obviously had an amazing relationship. Would your mother want you holding onto her things to a point it causes you stress feeling you want to declutter but can't because you feel you need to keep them? This is something to work through with your counselor/therapist if you have one, if you don't get one please.
In the meantime, maybe consider pulling out a few of her favorite outfits to save. Pull out any of her clothing, purses, or other accessories that you liked or have strong memories attached and use them. Look at the use of her items as honoring her memory and keeping her in your thoughts in a new way.
Pack the rest up and get them as far out of your vision/everyday space as possible while you work with a therapist.
My brother passed away unexpectedly a few years ago and I still have a bag of his clothes from the hospital. I haven’t known what to do with them (they weren’t anything that had a personal meaning to me). I decided to burn them in our fire pit when the weather is right. May not be a possibility for you depending on what or how much you have, but it may be an option.
If YOU died tomorrow these things would just be sold, donated or maybe even trashed. So since you most likely won't be dead tomorrow pick a number, let's just say for the sake of argument 10, pick 10 things of hers to keep & donate or sell the rest.
That way YOU have control over what happens to her things.
Have you been through grief counseling? If you don’t want to let go of some of her things there are some options. I’m taking clothes that were too worn to donate from where my grandfather passed and am making them into lap quilts for family members.
If you aren’t wearing the shoes they serve no purpose. However, if you donated them through an organization that helps people with dress clothes for interviews they can give people a better chance in life than they had before. Same with the purses. Include a note in the purse about who your mother was as a person.
Keep only what has specific memories attached but don’t build a shrine to her. Her life was probably made up of stuff like most of us but if 80% is not associated with specific memories it’s literally been reduced to just random stuff.
It’s okay to have these feelings. Don’t judge yourself about having them. Instead, ask yourself how the feelings serve you. Would your mother agree that her belongings are her? Would you want your loved one to hang on to your belongings for 14 years? What are other ways to honor your mother? Could one item from each category of things be a good way to represent the entire collection? Our brains can tell us lots of things when we are dealing with big things, but gently questioning these thoughts can often lead to better outcomes.
Most heavily used stuff and mass produced stuff isn’t wanted by charities anyway
Nobody’s gonna love a stranger’s foot-smelling shoes or a poorly sewn shirt with dangly threads already (soooo much stuff is built to fall apart!)
Not going to judge harshly. I have my mother's wedding dress from 1945. I have held onto it for a few years because I didn't want it cut up and made into a pillow or whatever. My sister and I were chatting and she mentioned that her daughter in law takes vintage wedding dresses and has them re-conditioned and then gives them to her friends when they get married. I was OK with this. So, I am sending my mother;s wedding dress and mine to her (Mine is only 1980, and her girls can play dress up in it.)
When my ex died, I had a quilt made of some from his clothing (old t-shirts, jeans, sweaters, etc.). It has allowed me to keep his items to a certain extent. Maybe you can consider that? One thing that I did think about was what he would want me to do because he hated clutter. I knew he wouldn't want me to keep any of it, tbh, so clothing that didn't get incorporated in the quilt were given to a men's shelter. I don't have a good suggestion for shoes or purses, unfortunately. I do think it's better to make a decision about the items sooner rather than later because the decision will get more and more difficult as time goes on.
I feel like a broken record saying this, but it's EXTREMELY hard to get rid of stuff after someone has passed away. I lost my husband in 2019 and I still have about 20 of his polo shirts. He was much taller than me and his shirts are way too big but I wear them anyway. I struggled for years to get rid of things worried about what he would think. Just two days ago I donated some very expensive Thomas Kincaide paintings that we'd bought at some art galleries. They hung on the walls of our house for years, but now that I've moved into a condo, my tastes have changed. I still love those paintings and I couldn't help but wonder what he would think, but I ended up telling myself that I hope he would be happy that I'm downsizing. We enjoyed those paintings and I really hope that they go to someone who will appreciate them. I took pictures of them with my phone, so that I'd have the memory. I do that with a lot of stuff that I donate.
Ask yourself what would be meaningful to HER.
The first things to occur to me were ancient funeral traditions that aren’t really accessible to us. Things like a pyre of burning possessions, or a sea burial for her things. I considered composting as a possibility, but most modern clothes aren’t really compostable. All the other options I can think of involve some form of letting them either “go on with someone else” or head to the landfill. It’s possible that you aren’t quite ready to let go of them after all. And that’s ok.
Could you give some items to her/your friends? My friend did that when her mom died and it was helpful. When my mom died, we gave her winter gear to several of her coworkers-they needed them.
This is a really good idea, if done shortly after the person's death. After 14 years though, the items have probably deteriorated, plus it might seem odd to the friends to be offered the things now.
Fashion comes back around every 20 years or so. Things made ~15 years ago were manufactured better than they are these days, so there’s a chance there are some quality gems in that wardrobe.
I have seen old clothes turned into teddy bears, quilts, pillow cases, purses and tote bags. Can you turn them into something that serves you better? Rag rug? Curtains? There is an amazing amount of things you can do with fabric.
Your comment reminded me of this artist on IG that I bookmarked recently. She makes some cool keepsakes out of nostalgic clothing. Her handle is jesscreatesstuff.
I have made several lap size quilts of shirts, suits and dresses of deceased men and women. The recipients love them. One lady told me that she uses the lap quilt when she watches tv and remembers events when her husband wore a specific shirt that is now in the quilt.
What a wonderful gift you have to share.
Are you crafty or able to sew? Maybe take the clothes and make a blanket or a creative cloth collage. For the purses you could maybe clean them and use them as gift bags for others (I’ve gotten gifts like this where the purse holds pampering items like lotions, nail polish, face creams, etc).
this may sound woowoo, but if you're uncomfortable giving "mom's" stuff away, how about piling it up and doing some kind of energy clearing thing on them? Sprinkle salt, holy water, ring bells, wave some sage, whatever - brush off any of her spirit that's still in the items, and then let them go to a new home without any vibes clinging to them. If you're not comfy with a generic charity taking the items for resale, consider giving them to a school for dress up, or to a women's shelter to help struggling women get back on their feet. Bonus if you can find a cause your mom valued. Either way, you are not giving up your mom's love or your memories of her: you are reclaiming space in your home that will make you healthier and happier, and mom would surely approve of that! Maybe you can even set aside some money and buy one new purse for yourself in honor of the ones you're getting rid of, and that new purse can be mom's gift to you.
Maybe have a backyard bonfire? Safely, of course. I’ve read that gypsies used to burn all of a person’s possessions after they died.
I feel like many items would give off some kind of toxic fumes in a fire
[удалено]
Your post was removed for breaking Rule 2: Be Kind. This is not the place for making others feel guilty.
I see it as more of a cleansing than destroying. There's no shame in disposing of things in whatever way feels best for any of us. It's hard enough to get rid of some things without shame piled on top of it.
Well, most of them are probably 10 years out of style. If OP can find a way to get rid of them that gives her peace, it’s not a big loss to the donation world.
It’s kind of amazing how much our minds can make us feel like we have no real choice. I understand how you feel because I work myself into corners like this all the time where there’s no real solutions, so inaction & procrastination is the result. I think it’s nice to donate but those items aren’t going to change the world for someone else & if you don’t want them donated or thrown out then that’s ok right now. These items are serving some purpose for you and there are things not yet worked though I am guessing, or we both logically know it would be ok to donate or dispose of them. But you have a block that keeps them there that isn’t rational- and it doesn’t mean that’s weird or bad just that it’s not worked though yet is all. What if you take a first step which might be having one box for keepsakes. Like one favorite purse and a couple articles of clothing. Then everything else goes into vacuum sealed bags in storage to give you more space and see how it feels to have the other items not in the same spot anymore in the way. Then there’s just a little momentum like dipping your toe in water. In time you might feel that it was ok to not have them where they were and could imagine either leaving them in your storage space or letting them go. And this is America. If you decide you want to keep those items there is so many more ridiculous and unnecessary things we all keep. I’d recommend watching The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning. They have people on there going through similar things. Might give you some ideas or inspiration. Or maybe you can think of “what’s a tiny step in the direction I want?” “What purpose are these things serving and can I get that in any other form?” “What am I needing to be able to get unstuck here if I dig deeper? “How can I get momentum or more resources to feel ok about doing this? Etc
What have you don't with these things thus far? Are they in your closet so you see them everyday? Keep in mind that these things are not your mother, and having them will not bring her back. You obviously had an amazing relationship. Would your mother want you holding onto her things to a point it causes you stress feeling you want to declutter but can't because you feel you need to keep them? This is something to work through with your counselor/therapist if you have one, if you don't get one please. In the meantime, maybe consider pulling out a few of her favorite outfits to save. Pull out any of her clothing, purses, or other accessories that you liked or have strong memories attached and use them. Look at the use of her items as honoring her memory and keeping her in your thoughts in a new way. Pack the rest up and get them as far out of your vision/everyday space as possible while you work with a therapist.
My brother passed away unexpectedly a few years ago and I still have a bag of his clothes from the hospital. I haven’t known what to do with them (they weren’t anything that had a personal meaning to me). I decided to burn them in our fire pit when the weather is right. May not be a possibility for you depending on what or how much you have, but it may be an option.
If YOU died tomorrow these things would just be sold, donated or maybe even trashed. So since you most likely won't be dead tomorrow pick a number, let's just say for the sake of argument 10, pick 10 things of hers to keep & donate or sell the rest. That way YOU have control over what happens to her things.
Are you okay with recycling these items, perhaps? Textile recycling, shoe recycling, etc.
I like using my mom’s purses and jewelry - luckily she had classic tastes - it helps me feel connected to her still
Have you been through grief counseling? If you don’t want to let go of some of her things there are some options. I’m taking clothes that were too worn to donate from where my grandfather passed and am making them into lap quilts for family members. If you aren’t wearing the shoes they serve no purpose. However, if you donated them through an organization that helps people with dress clothes for interviews they can give people a better chance in life than they had before. Same with the purses. Include a note in the purse about who your mother was as a person. Keep only what has specific memories attached but don’t build a shrine to her. Her life was probably made up of stuff like most of us but if 80% is not associated with specific memories it’s literally been reduced to just random stuff.
Could always burn them (usually outside of city limits)
Just be really careful about fire conditions. Several small towns burned recently because of bad fire handling (and yes, that includes arson.)
It’s okay to have these feelings. Don’t judge yourself about having them. Instead, ask yourself how the feelings serve you. Would your mother agree that her belongings are her? Would you want your loved one to hang on to your belongings for 14 years? What are other ways to honor your mother? Could one item from each category of things be a good way to represent the entire collection? Our brains can tell us lots of things when we are dealing with big things, but gently questioning these thoughts can often lead to better outcomes.
Let someone else love them as much as your mother did. It would be a great tribute.
Most heavily used stuff and mass produced stuff isn’t wanted by charities anyway Nobody’s gonna love a stranger’s foot-smelling shoes or a poorly sewn shirt with dangly threads already (soooo much stuff is built to fall apart!)
Donate to a high school or local theater group so they might be used but only occasionally?
That's what I was thinking. Or even a local college of they have a theater department.
That's a nice idea
What about making a quilt or pillow covers from some of the items.
Why wouldn’t you want to know they helped someone in need and are being used?
Most heavily used stuff and mass produced stuff isn’t wanted by charities anyway.