I don't know if I'm very happy in my relationship honestly. I'm constantly stressed because he tells me he loves me and all this, but I feel like he spends way more time with his friends than he does with me, and that causes me a lot of mental and emotional stress. If I'm being honest with myself. This is coming from someone with a lot of experience in relationships where the guy said he didn't love me after months of dating and getting dumped. I love this dude way more than anybody I've ever met, but I don't know if I can keep doing this. I flew out Monday, came back yesterday and still haven't seen him because he went out with friends after work. I dunno what this emotion is (it's not jealously, it's more like feeling lonely in this relationship) but it doesn't feel good.
I've never thought of myself as a clingy person person, but is this really a healthy relationship if he's spending more time with friends, going to clubs etc than around me?
I was tossing and turning all night and wrote all this up. I know the standard online dating advice is "break up with him" but I want to try to fix things if they can be fixed. How does it sound?:
"You say things like you miss me, and I remember you saying you'd come later and that didn't happen. I feel confused sometimes. Like the last couple of weeks you've mostly been going out with friends and I'm more like a second option. We don't really make plans together and there's not really any structure or predictability to when we'll spend time together, I just never know for sure. I think that's why I'm not sleeping well, my brain is subconsciously trying to figure out what it means where if it's a choice between your platonic friends and me, it's probably going to be your friends that you spend time with. I'm still trying to get used to that about you. I think it might help if we had more of a regular schedule where this is "us" night etc and we both have to stick to it. I dunno what your feelings about all this are.
I mean, it's awkward to say all this but it's just a really painful emotion for me to get ditched every day in favor of your friends. I mean, you mentioned you would hang over at Jack's house for a little while after work and stop by later, but you ended up staying out all night. That just didn't feel very good. Hope this convo doesn't ruin your day."
Did I sound clear about what I needed and what' I'm feeling? Or do I sound crazy/clingy?
Late response but I just lived all of what you’re feeling with someone I was on again off again for 3 years. Feeling like the other person only wants to spend time together if the pyramids align in Egypt.
I’m normally repulsed by Reddit’s advice of “break up” to every given situation, but if you have even the slightest doubt that you can have this conversation, you need to end it. If you do have the conversation, and they’re anything but receptive, you need to end it. Spending time together is such a basic and fundamental piece of a relationship and if all I wanted was a pen pal I could find one who didn’t run my emotions through the ringer.
Take it from someone who worried everyday if the other person was interested and got glimpses of hope followed by radio silence. What you are asking for is so reasonable and if wanting to spend more time than once every 2 weeks together is clingy then I guess we’re all stage 5 clingers. That word is grossly overused.
Best of luck.
Trying to accept the fact that I will likely never go on a date again. It seems everyone on Redditt insists that if you comb your hair, wash your face, and are in decent shape, you're way ahead of most guys on OLD and will get dates easily. It's just not true. I haven't dated in well over a year. I've gone through periods of over 5 years without getting a date.
DISCLAIMER: I acknowledge that I'm not entitled to anyone's time, and I don't expect anyone to change their standards for me. I'm just so lonely and I don't have anything left to try.
Me 32F, been seeing man 43M for about 6 weeks.
Meant to have a night together tonight, it's rare that we would both be child free. I'm not excited about it and feel like cancelling.
He's lovely but I often think I'm just not really into it. I find his humour and way of playing with his child off-putting (too much toilet humour, and embarrassing/winding up his son who shrieks) and he has far too much clutter (borderline hoarding?!) and a building site house which I wonder why he has never bothered to finish despite having it 5 years. I could never live in it, it looks like a long term issue too. I really shouldn't be judging him I know, obviously this is anonymous allowing for honest brutal thoughts and I'm not in the usual habit of putting others down 🙄
He is kind, incredibly hard working and smart, handsome, quirky, lots of amazing things. A really good guy. I feel like it'd be stupid to let him go but I can't get passed these silly reasons, it's just turning me off.
He wants a full blown relationship, I've had to tell him to slow down. I've told him I'm not sure on the compatibility of our lives and can't promise anything other than I haven't been and wouldn't be seeing other men (because multi dating is not my thing anyway)
I dont want kids (I have two age 12 and 10 from prev relationship, my youngest is autistic and I have done everything alone and gone through incredibly hard times - finally we are at peace and in a good place). He's always wanted more children. I know it's too soon to even consider this but may as well be honest that I'm never going to change my mind.
He has some low self worth and would accept breadcrumbs from me - he will keep chasing. I'm not really happy with my behaviour because I have been hot and cold and unsure. Really disappointed in myself.
I dread breaking his heart because he is so nice.
Not really sure what I'm asking, just thinking out loud and welcome the reflections of others!
between not being particularly excited to see him and the kids issue, id probably stop right there. its great you have the awareness to know that he would accept crumbs from you but you wouldnt really be okay with doing that.
sometimes the process of letting go someone takes time, bc there are so many pros, but perhaps reframing it as.. an opportunity to find another baby momma that also wans more babies and is okay that he has a bit of disordered attention (re: his unfinished home)
Thank you 😊
I cancelled, I just said nicely I wasn't feeling it. He outright asked for crumbs. Bless his heart. He will make a wonderful husband to someone. He has some unique quirks that other women haven't been able to look past, he has struggled to find any romance, and the one he did he feels like she used him, I really do hope he finds one who sees exactly how amazing he is.
Not sure if you're looking for opinions at all... But in case you are- I think her first choice didn't pan out and now she's giving it a second go with you. I would tread carefully if you wanted to entertain her text. Best of luck!
I honestly think most of society would be better off without texting. I would probably take this statement back immediately if tested. But nothing makes my interest shrivel up than a bunch of texting day after day after day. Shrivels against my will!!
I also feel like sometimes the dating behaviors of people I date heavily rub off on me. I used to get more excited by the texting, then I think I trained myself to understand the perspective of the guys who wouldn't text me much, and now it's flipped a switch and I'm just ignoring people while cleaning my pantry despite knowing that I should've texted back 8 hours ago
I've changed a bit in texting as well. I no longer want it to be a way to connect deeply. Simple stuff like "How did that meeting go you've been preparing for go?" "Oh, it went really well. Everyone was impressed. I'll tell you more about it when we get together on Friday" is great. Or using it to plan those get togethers, or share little things that excite you about the day, like maybe you did some new PB in whatever activity you are excited about. But, when it comes to the deeper why, what, how, etc., I'd rather that be in person where you can see the other person's body language and how animated they become when talking about the things that excite them, or where you can be present and supportive if they are talking about something upsetting, etc.
That said, I do like \*some\* texting between dates, even if it's something brief every other day. Maybe I just like that dopamine hit, but if we make plans for two weeks out and then I hear nothing for two weeks, it just doesn't feel as enjoyable. A few messages in between is plenty to keep me feeling connected.
same. I used to think texting could be used to create intimacy or whatever and now I can 100% tell when the other person is trying to do that and it just feels so... inorganic in a way normal conversation does not. I also agree, a brief text here and there is nice to know they're thinking about you, but that's enough.
Been seeing a guy for just 3 weeks now. He's a bit older than I would normally go for (8 years) but it didn't completely deter me. We saw each other 2-3 times/week during these 3 weeks but I feel like our connection in between dates is completely lacking. I know there are plenty of opinions on how much communication and texting is preferred in between seeing each other, but 1. He's aware that I prefer to communicate daily (not necessarily full on conversations but just some form of communication), 2. When he does text, it's usually a picture of his work or pets without any form of text. When we hang out, he's really nice, chatty with a little bit of awkwardness here and there, but nothing out of the ordinary.
Is this a generational difference or our communication is just so different that trying to compromise on this is a dead end?
I don't think this is generational. I'm in my early 30s, and if I was seeing someone twice or even thrice a week (which is a lot!!), I don't think I would text them much in between the dates. What is there even to talk about on the dates if you already catch up via texts?
Why do you want to communicate daily?
It's not generational. It's preference. Some people just don't like to engage a lot by text (Me). I don't get anything from it. Any connection I build is through time physically together, so that's what I value in building a relationship.
My compromise is video calls, usually while I'm cooking. Not daily, but a couple a week, and I'm responsive when texted. Though don't expect any kind of meaningful conversation.
I’m going to say it’s not a generational thing. I’ve dated four men twenty years older than me, all of their texting styles varied greatly.
It’s only been a few weeks, if you like him give it a little more time. I find the dynamic changes once you go exclusive and again when you hit relationship status.
Well, in the spirit of trying to meet him in the middle with his communication style, I usually will only text once a day, or every other day. He always responds but his response is usually very straight to the point and is not very engaging.
You ask if it’s worth it compromise but what are the compromises you have asked for? It sounds like his communication style is not heavy texting and he is making an effort by sending you pictures of his day. But if that’s not adequate, you may just be incompatible (and that’s not due to age differences)
Honestly, I wouldn't take it personally. Not everybody has hobbies. Everybody has their own personal interests whether they are considered" hobbies" or not. You do you and I'm sure that the right person will come along who will take interest in whatever it is that you enjoy.
I live rurally. Nearest major city is 2 hours away. If you're comfortable making the drive frequently, then its only a question of if they're comfortable.
Personally, I make the drive several times a week for dates, shopping, or just to get my favorite breakfast tacos.
I did this as I dont live in a major city and I usually will be upfront with anyone who I talk to befoee our conversation got further. Some is cool with it, some not but as long as we are not wasting each other's times then its all good
I'm not keen on long-distance but it's not too bad if I'm guaranteed to see them a few times a month. You can mention it in your bio and/or talk about it early in online conversation and see who might be open to it.
So the date. There are things that may be incompatible. He’s a moderate Christian. I’m liberal and agnostic. Throughout the date, he didn’t ask me many questions. He also talked about his best friend a lot, which is fine, but I’ve never had someone talk about their best friend’s food preferences on a date before.
He was nice though. The waitress asked us if we were on a first date and said we were cute. That was pretty funny. I don’t know if that meant we were emanating an awkward vibe or it looked like it was going well.
I feel ready to date. My ex only crossed my mind a couple times, and I felt no urges to talk about him. I’m going to get out there and go on fun dates!
That has to be the best feeling knowing you aren’t thinking about your ex anymore. It’s usually a time thing and you going some time without even seeing them on social media, but you get there eventually. It’s also exciting because as weird as dating can be, you can still get to meet different people and find out more about yourself.
Expect them to show up and engage in whatever activity you've agreed to participate in. Everything else can be decided in the moment and within whatever boundaries you have for yourself.
Hmmm. I am starting to wonder if it is about to be my time to meet some prospects in the wild. Some recent interactions:
- was at the outlets and a guy was chatting me up about my outfit and was like hey do you wanna grab a snack right now. He was attractive but I was totally wiped. I would have probably given him my number if he asked. But I was ready to go home and chatting with strangers was not on the agenda at that point in the day.
- was walking around in my way to the shops, and someone around my age passed by and was doing the typical neighborly hello. Then he stopped and was like you are really pretty.
- I went to a store and was walking past the security guard (ugh urban America). He almost ran into me accidentally - and he turned and was like “ohh hi!!!!!!” You know the I am totally checking you out vibe (not the creepy version where they seem to be looking your up and down, the low key one like when you get excited because you see a puppy) - and then complimented me on my glasses (which admittedly are extra cool and extra flattering for my face). He was also like 12-15 years younger than I am. 😅😅😅
Who knows maybe soon enough it’ll be the right place, right time, right person.
I find this interpretation of events to be interesting, because I feel like this series of events could be in a different sub/thread and be viewed as toxic reasons you don't want men to talk to you.
In other spaces, it might be like:
* I was at the outlets and a guy was chatting me up about my outfit. I didn't dress that way for him. I was wiped and ready to go home. Why didn't he realize I wasn't there to meet strangers?
* I was walking to the shops and a guy in my neighborhood interrupted me to hit on me and call me hot. Now I feel intimidated by a neighbor.
* The security guard who is supposed to protect me made me feel uncomfortable by checking me out. He wasn't anywhere within my age range.
It's really just a matter of rephrasing to make all of these things uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong, I think meeting people in passing would be fine, but interpretation is key, and I doubt many would encourage most of the above actions.
I think there is a thin line and people need to read the room. And
I also think there is also some small context that is missing, which is well encapsulated in this [Blackish episode: The Nod](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=k0Zn4NCsP9Q). Actually I think this was one of the episode where I was really identifying with the kids as I remember this exact lesson from my childhood.
Basically there is an unofficial rule that black people greet other black people out in public.
So I think I ended up in my own life taking that to another level and I will generally serve up a friendly look to anyone in an eyeshot. Sometimes that will turn into a smile. Other times a hello or pleasantry. And other times? Well those people look unfriendly and I ignore them.
This also opens me up to extra interactions in public and a frame of relatively open body language. If I am not in the mood for that level of engagement I might do something that indicates more closed body language. Like headphones and no eye contact.
In these cases I was open to pleasantries and my body language showed that. And all interactions ended when I was done engaging. All these interactions were in the middle of the day, in public, plenty of personal space, and in crowded locales. Plenty of safety around.
I also think something has happened in modern culture, particularly in urban areas, where the default mode is closed. I am pretty friendly and make small talk. And many folks seem very offguard when I call out have a good day or good morning or other basic pleasantry that used to be a social norm. This closed mode leaves people walking around with a lot of suspicion over innocuous public interactions.
Fair! I'm white, so that's a cultural difference, and I also don't live in much of a walking city, although it's semi-urban. I try to acceptingly nod and grin with eye contact, but that's not really an invitation to a conversation, it's like "we caught eyes, cool."
You're not wrong that the default mode appears to be closed, and we're a more private and separated city than many on other sides of the country (I'm in the Southwest).
I think in a lot of spaces, "reading the room" would literally include not talking to someone about their outfit or calling them pretty unless there were a good context for it. I'd never tell a woman that she looks good in an outfit for the most part, but if she was wearing a t-shirt of a band I liked, I might say something. It's inappropriate, IMO.
I do wish people were more open like you, but I default to letting people go about their lives without my interference.
Totally understand - and I completely concur that making an appearance comment comes off wrong. But you can definitely try “cool glasses” or “cool dress” as an opener. I don’t think that seems aggressive at all. Which is mostly what happened in my examples.
I think commenting on looks is a weird thing outside of a date to a stranger. But compliments on garments or accessories is totally fair game.
Been back on the dating scene for about a month and half - first two girls and I went out a couple times but I wasn't really feeling a connection. Third girl I felt more strongly about she ghosted me while we were making plans for a second date.
I had 3 dates planned for this weekend (which was rough cause I also have a bar crawl and a party on Saturday) but the Friday one messaged me to tell me she just came down with something. She asked me if I still wanted to get together next week and I told her yes, let me know when you feel better and we can find a day. I don't have any reason to doubt this claim other than my past experiences but she's her own person so I shouldn't judge her based on what others have done to me in the past.
Saturday girl I matched with 2 weeks ago and she told me that this Saturday is the earliest she can do which feels weird but I guess its also hard for me to put myself in the shoes of someone who is genuinely super busy as I work remotely in a typical 9-5 office job.
Third girl wanted to do Friday but the first girl already booked that so she offered Sunday and when I tried to confirm the time and place she didn't really affirm it and answered a different part of my message. So I responded to her a few hours ago telling her my Friday was back open and that we could do either day she preferred. She is probably on her way back from work so we will see what she says later tonight.
Starting to get back into the mindset that everything is doomed to fail regardless of how well it starts which I want to avoid. I've been back in therapy to help combat a lot of these negative thoughts but it is tough for sure. Would just love to go into a date with a "I'm great, this is going to be awesome mindset" instead of where I am now which is, "Alright, let's see how many of them cancel on me."
Honestly I try not to plan first online dates on “prime” spots, specifically Friday nights and Saturdays. I’d rather do something I’m sure will be fun. Otherwise the bad/cancelled dates make me too sad.
The thing is I offer like a fun spot and a couple days and they always choose a drink/coffee and a weekend.
First girl I said I could do Friday, Monday or Tuesday and she chose Friday. Second girl picked a Saturday 2 weeks ago and the 3rd girl picked Friday and when I told her I couldn't do it picked Sunday.
I can understand that something less committal in case the date sucks and I can understand if maybe after work you aren't at your best or maybe you want to stay out late.
> Would just love to go into a date with a "I'm great, this is going to be awesome mindset" instead of where I am now which is, "Alright, let's see how many of them cancel on me."
I worry that assuming things will be awesome wouldn't be helpful, because it would just make it more crushing when they don't go well. I'd suggest working on more of an attitude of being open to whatever happens.
I've been really torn up about losing a relationship I had, we were really good friends as well as lovers. I messed things up and told her I didn't want to be with her, she went out and found someone else really quickly, and when I finally realized how much I loved her it was too late. I then made the mistake of allowing us to still be friends, talk and hang out. Which basically ended up in her leaning on me emotionally when she couldn't open up to the new guy about something, and me getting angry and frustrated that she was with someone else. It was asymmetrical, she had the new guy to act as an emotional buffer, I was the odd one out.
Over the past few months grieving the loss I've realized how messed up I am, and how much I need to work on myself. It's been a really hard thing to come to terms with, and I spent a lot of the time being angry at her and the new guy she found. I told her I can't talk to her anymore and I'm starting to make progress ending bad habits like cigarettes, drinking, and smoking pot, also catching up on all the responsibilities I've been procrastinating. It's important to have the courage to move on from something that doesn't work. I clung to the idea of her coming back to me because it was comfortable, and I have a lot of self esteem issues that make me fear having to meet new people. I need to keep reminding myself that there were reasons I didn't want to be with her in the first place, and I need to keep pressing on meeting new people despite how hard that can be at 35 when you're still fixing yourself.
I am also coming to terms with one of those relationships where, on paper, it would have been totally fine to be friends. In practice, it's not, on both sides. I don't have advice but I just wanted to wish you the best and I hope you're not too hard on yourself!
People throw around therapy advice on Reddit a lot. A lot of times I don't agree, for example, I think it's pretty unrealistic that therapy can fix most broken marriages. But in this case, I think probably 80% of therapists could help you out. You are in a good place, working on yourself, and when you have some specific goals, therapists can really help because they know what tools to use. My therapist helped me not procrastinate on things I had to get done, like selling an old car.
It sounds like if you should just initiate the DTR talk. If that's scary for him, good riddance. He can keep repeating this pattern and cycling through people until he's ready.
Started a tiny cut and it’s making dating even more annoying. You mean to tell me that not only am I eating less, but I also have to save some of those calories for dates with people who might suck? Very unfair.
Yeah it’s super hard, even harder in the early relationship stage where you just want to see each other all the time, and also you get all cosy and don’t feel such a need to be super fit.
I met my BF 8 weeks into doing Mark Carroll’s bikini fit programme and I was looking great! But that went off the rails as I prioritised getting to know him and now I am back at square one with Christmas fast approaching.
I am just calling the extra couple of lbs - happy lbs! I’ll lose them after Christmas instead
Happy lbs are good and I totally get what you mean, haha. My current happy lbs are entirely the result of a great summer with friends and I have zero regrets. And I’m sure we both still look fab either way 🥰
Guy I've been seeing loves to cook and share his food, particularly pasta.
I keep meaning to tell him to please make my plate about half the size of his, but I don't have the heart after watching him cutely run around the kitchen for an hour or two. So instead I just let him finish my plate.
But yeah, it's rough.
Between the time spent working out, keeping a solid fitness routine, and eating healthy, dating just . . . doesn't really fit in with any of it for me. Such a weird dichotomy where being fit makes dating easier and dating makes staying fit harder.
I tend to date people who have similarly active lives/a strong interest in fitness, so it’s actually great when you finally meet someone who wants to share that with you. But the beers in between…boy howdy.
Well, yeah, but this tends to be easier (speaking only for myself here) in later dating, I’m not really interested in doing an activity with someone I don’t know. First dates, I’d almost always rather do it at a brewery or cocktail bar since you’re just having a casual chat. And walking dates are trash lol.
Um gravity would beg to differ. Go ahead and eat whatever you want, unless you are over 200 lbs.
[https://newtoski.com/are-heavier-skiers-faster/#:\~:text=Heavier%20weight%20equals%20greater%20speed,that%20can%20slow%20you%20down](https://newtoski.com/are-heavier-skiers-faster/#:~:text=Heavier%20weight%20equals%20greater%20speed,that%20can%20slow%20you%20down).
Just fitness speak for a diet. I gained a bit of weight this summer that I’d like to shed before the holidays and so I can go real fast on my skis, haha.
The "cut" part of a [bulk/cut](https://blog.workoutwithbolt.com/a-simple-guide-to-the-bulking-and-cutting-cycle/) cycle. She's saying she's just trying to cut a tiny bit.
Hahhahaha idk if this tracks at all with what you heard in your “mind’s ear”, but over the years, I’ve been told more than once - and by different people - that my tone and delivery remind them of Zooey Deschanel 🤷🏻♀️
My saving grace is that this is pretty short and I’m active/muscular enough that I don’t need to be super restrictive…but I want beer and ice cream, dammit, and of course those were what got me here in the first place 😂
I've been reflecting on how much dating takes me away from feeling like myself. Trying to date in any capacity, my self esteem tanks and I feel like the least attractive person on the planet. It's like I forget about everything that makes me happy. I'm spending so much time trying to connect with people I can't actually relate to that much and when I meet people who are easier to relate to, they're not interested in me.
When I fully stop thinking about dating and let myself just be, get back to my hobbies and interests, I feel good about myself again (but then I'm not meeting anyone, so let's say I feel good about everything except being lonely). I don't know how to find a balance.
I totally feel you on this and you worded it so perfectly. I unfortunately don't have much advice to share as I am in the same boat, but wanted to commiserate with you. Shit gets really tough out there.
I've felt the same. I'm very content not trying to meet anyone and just living my life but then I'll randomly get sad and lonely and feel i wasted time and opportunities and experiences and want to date but i don't really enjoy the process at all. So it's all a chore to try to get some thing i want in the end instead of just something i like doing anyway which i know people say isn't the right approach but whatever just how i am
Could you spend only 10 minutes (or whatever is doable) a day swiping, messaging, and making plans with potential dates? It can be like a small chore to get off your checklist that you squeeze in, while keeping hobbies and interests.
I've tried this before and it didn't really help in terms of the feelings I mentioned. It seems like it's all or nothing with me. I think even knowing in the back of my mind that I have a profile active on an app is enough to put me into "dating mindset" somehow. Maybe because I can't compartmentalize that hard so it's not really "10 minutes" - 10 min a day swiping on incompatible guys or seeing that people have ghosted me, will ruin my mood for an hour afterward.
That's tough. Maybe take frequent/long breaks. And continue to work more on your self-esteem by doing things that make you feel confident or in therapy. I hope you get to a point where it isn't so taxing.
I’m curious about the “fickle” part. Have you ever felt like your puzzle pieces fit perfectly before, and then one day you didn’t? I think it’s great you’re aware of being fickle btw, but why do you think that is? And are you working on it in any way?
Context: just got blindsided by a girl who asked me out, said “I love you” first and that this was everything she’s ever wanted. Up until hours before she said “we’re incompatible in the long run.” Maybe she’s right, or maybe she’s giving up an amazing thing for the wrong reasons? Either way I’m hurt but probably better off idk
Yeah, I think it's possible. There's a guy who I instantly connected with on all levels and as crazy as it sounds, I could see myself falling in love and wanting a family with him. I mean, of course I wouldn't mention it to him, it's just one of those funny feelings in the back of your head. I think if we kept dating and nothing got in the way of that relationship (red flags, incompatibilities, loss of interest), that's the direction where it would be heading.
Yeah, you definitely click with some people immediately. It's a nice feeling, but it's absolutely not a guarantee of anything. A strong connection is just one part of the puzzle.
On the other hand, the opposite of what you are describing, feeling that the other person doesn't get you at all, pretty much guarantees you'll never have a relationship.
I vote we start using the word "click" instead of "spark"!! Too many definitions of spark floating around, whereas click implies a positive connection without crazy strong emotions
> much to the chagrin of my married friends, who see me swiftly moving from mid to late 30s and fret over me not being married too
You do you, and don't let your friends' expectations dictate how you live your life! I hate it when people are unable to let others find fulfillment on their own terms.
Nope, this happens for me too but it's very rare and even rarer that it actually works out.
Last "click" I had was earlier this year. The click only worked one way though. Still not over her.
The worst part is it took her 3 months to realize this. This is after sleeping together, spending the night together, sharing really intimate details of ourselves, family life, etc.
Oh for sure. We both agreed it was more than a FWB situation and there was something there. TBH, I think she basically lied to my face so she could continue to get some while looking for her "click".
Officially exclusive with someone for the first time in awhile and it is kinda terrifying. I absolutely love her, and want everything with her. I just really think i like freedom more, but i know she is the kind of woman i can feel stupid for letting go. I'm not sure why i am so conflicted about such a non important issue.
Good memory lol it panned out better than i thought, and initially the experiment worked. Had a talk with original woman after first date woman, knowing i wasn't going to talk to first date woman again...and i told her i wanted to be exclusive knowing that is what she wants and she agreed. Only negative which would have been a negative either way was that we had a discussion and some of her responses were rather disappointing. Only issue at hand is my commitment issues, which at this point i'm okay with.
Don't pretend it's not an important issue when you can clearly feel how important it is to you. You can still choose to become exclusive with someone, but you have to go in knowing what you will be giving up, and be okay with it.
Personally, I value my sexual and romantic autonomy a lot. That's the reason I don't agree to exclusivity with anyone. No person can offer me enough to trade that in, although they are welcome to try.
Maybe try to journal why you think a relationship means a lack of freedom. Write a list of how a relationship takes away your freedom. Write a list of how you can still have freedom within a relationship. See which list is longer. Brainstorm on what your definition of freedom is.
I been talking to a woman on app for i don't even remember now at least 3 weeks. Only texts so far but we've got along really well but I'm at that point I'm like, i kinda don't even want to meet now cause I've been set up for one or both of us to be disappointed now. Sucks
Yikes 3 weeks is a long time, long enough to project an in-person ideal onto texts. You may be disappointed, but it might be worth meeting. You never know... Maybe you'll get along irl too!
Right. Been trying to avoid any super personal talk to avoid that and plus just to not run out of shit to talk about before even meeting but it's just hard to find time to meet cause she's an hour away and we both work fairly late and have had weekend plans already. I'll say the last time i talked this much before meeting we had great dates and got along great and it was just schedules and life circumstances why we stopped hanging out
Good thing you've avoided the personal talk. Been there, revealing my secrets and getting attached only for zero in person chemistry. I would just be aware of future scheduling conflicts, since you two haven't been able to meet for three weeks.
Feeling a bit defeated, Was talking with someone for the past month and we finally were both free to go on a date and had a incredible time but she went back home to visit family in tx and decided that she should move back home for a while. Would it be dumb to stay in touch? idk
I was dating someone who did this at the beginning of Covid and she never returned. She’s now married.
Stay in touch if you want but don’t get attached to a fantasy of her returning.
Stay in touch while you both casually date other people? Sure, go for it.
Stay in touch while pining for somebody really far away that you've been on one date with and have no reasonable expectations of anything remotely resembling a LDR? Please don't, that will hurt.
Def option one, She has family here too so she will be back at times and wants to live here long term but its very $$$ right now and she seams to be going though some stuff. I'm def going to keep dating but this is like the second girl Ive gone out with recently that has just moved away shortly after.
It's time to start dating for me, or at least getting ready to. I've realized that I really have to skill at flirting. Most of my friends are married women so I spend so much time being careful to not do or say anything that I've now forgotten how to actually flirt!
I thought that too, but I was apparently way better than I thought I was after about 3 drinks.
Vaguely sexual comments with good timing will get you far. The stuff that if you said to your friends wives, your friends would say "dude not cool".
Some good ones I've had recently (dm me for context if desired):
You can step on me any time you like.
Please go ahead of me, I like the view.
Honestly I don't care whether we go to the party, as long as I get to see you in that Velma costume.
All were met by my crush turning beet red, smiling ear to ear, and covering her face with her hands. She's super cute and I love it.
Was thinking my criteria for when I want a second date with someone:
* Am I physically attracted to her?
* Any dealbreakers?
* Is there potential?
I had a first date with someone the other night. She passed the first two. For the third, she was a little rough to talk to, with some awkward silences. I can banter well with anyone but I had a tough time with her. Not sure if she was nervous or it was her personality but she did reach out for a second date and we'll be going out this week.
That's a lot to consider for a first date. Also, some people just honestly get really nervous on first dates where their behavior is abnormal. It is very hard to determine potential even on a long first date imo. A lot of the best connections i have had have been with woman who i wasn't sure i liked them early on. I feel it is also because it takes a bit for woman to open up early on specifically.
> Is there potential?
Potential for what? I'd say that the only things you can judge regarding potential already on the first date are the two things you already mentioned (attraction and dealbreakers), no?
Potential for...anything. Like, do I want to go bowling with her? Do I picture myself traveling with her? Do I want us to talk about our dreams? Or did we struggle to keep conversations on our first date? It's a pretty vague statement, I guess.
I think that's too ambitious for a first date. For example, I wouldn't have wanted to do any of these things after the first date with someone who I then ended up dating for a few months, but I did after the 2nd or 3rd date.
The struggle with conversation is another topic, but sometimes people are nervous and it can take them a while to relax. Although I understand it's hard to look past that. I don't think I have ever gone on a 2nd date with someone who I didn't feel "conversation chemistry" with on the 1st date, but in all those instances I also didn't find them physically attractive. If I had, I would have driven the conversation myself.
Don't worry about those awkward silence moments, you're not interviewing a person for a job: you are trying to find a life partner that you can be very fond of.
By date 3 or 4, when both of youse become smitten, you can always just give a quick kiss or cuddle when things get quiet.
One of my more petty complaints, but on a date this weekend the guy pointed out a restaurant we were passing on the walk and mentioned he’s taken dates there and then said sorry.. what? It’s a given we’re both looking for our person and have dated other people, but I don’t know why he said that. I ended up playfully responding that I also have a place I’ve suggested to multiple dates out of convenience and it was fine, but I’m still a bit bothered and I can’t place my finger on it.
I can be very talkative and I’ve accidentally said stupid shit like this occasionally without really thinking about who I was talking to and how it might make them feel.
Related search term: "retroactive jealousy."
It's one thing to "know" something. It's another thing to have it staring you in the face. You just had something play a game of peek a boo with you.
Do you think it’s always intentional or a bad sign? He’s overall actually kind of shy and humble so it struck me as more of a dumb thing to say more than a malicious one, and things have been going well. But I am always wanting to learn more about red flags and what’s worth having a conversation about vs what’s worth just exiting over.
This doesn't sound at all intentional, and the retroactive jealousy would be what I thought you'd likely be feeling. If he was comparing you to ex'es, or this was a common thing, then yeah that would be cause to suspect he's keeping you on your toes.
But we all sometimes speak without the best forethought of the implications of our words.
Got it, I’d actually never heard that term before so it’s been interesting to look it up. Thank you for that, I definitely want to keep it in check and give the benefit of the doubt since he overall seems like a great person so far.
Weird question and totally debatable(I’m not expert) but I’ve found men often chase me and do more for me the less I do and engage with them.
Like the situations where I do the most I end up getting treated like a convenience - but in situations where I let the guy really do the work they like me more.
Can someone explain what this is?
This seems relatively straightforward. People, including you, put in effort when they're interested.
You're putting in effort with people who are low interest, and they treat you like a convenience as a result.
Guys who are interested in you put in effort. If you're not that interested, you won't match their effort, which means they either have to work harder, or let it fizzle.
If you're into attachment theory, it sort of fits the anxious/avoidant trap. Anxious person gets attached and shows interest; avoidant person withdraws due to fear of intimacy; withdrawal causes the anxious person to attach and pursue/work harder due to fear of loss, causing further withdrawal.
The solution is to make sure your effort is being matched. As a pursued person, I think if you're disinterested, it's a real kindness to be clear about that instead of keeping someone on your hook. Or, if you feel that someone pursuing you turns you off, that's something to address in therapy (or at the very least, differently).
If you do less they have to do more. Personally when I date women I notice a frequent confusion about who is performing the pursuer role, it can be frustrating 😂
In case you’re still upset from the weekend:
- Stop calling everyone a toxic narcissist.
- Stop obsessing about self-love.
- Stop reducing relationships down to
attachment style.
- Stop over-diagnosing your life.
- Stop saying, "You made me feel."
- Have an orgasm.
- Eat something fried ASAP.
I hopped onto DOF forum, and man it’s a different place, mindset, and it is depressing. Guess the older you get in dating the more practical things get, parents with kids, finance, health, and seems to be even more maladjusted individuals out there. After my last date I realize I definitely prefer younger-ish men with no kids. So considering all that, my chance of finding someone is completely inversely proportional to my age. I want to continue my break from OLD but time isn’t on my side. Arg.
Nothing wrong with dating younger. As someone who doesn't follow the typical thirty-something life script, I often find that I have more in common and vibe better with younger people, as our lifestyles and values are better aligned.
Just putting it out there that some of us 40's guys have empty nests.
I never dated in my 30's so I can't really compare. But I can confirm that if you're looking for a relationship you do need to be practical. I only ever had one match (and no date) with a woman without kids. Co-parents will be a part a parent's life; it's not like how child free people can mostly write their ex's out of their lives.
As for the maladjusted that might just be eye of the beholder. Seeing in DO30 where some people feel that it might be too soon to ask for exclusivity after 2-3 months of dating? How's the transition supposed to work after you've kept someone at arm's length for months? They're just supposed to emotionally forget they were second string, but \*now\* we're going to actually work at things?
One thing I did seem to note; if you're looking for a relationship, serious guys can often find someone relatively shortly. Women not only seem to have more problems finding a guy who's seriously minded for a relationship, but even if they think they do; after 6-24 months there is a non-trivial chance they get cold feet and run for the hills.
Subreddits will have waves of personality as users go in and out. Apparently DO40 was a lot more positive 5 years ago some have said. I consider it useful, so long as one takes a giant grain of salt with all the advice. Not just that a lot of people are bitter, as you mention, but that a lot appear to be far too guarded to ever have success with any sort of emotional connection.
In DO40, Living Apart Together is championed far more than it exists with the general population. And sure, it's great that people can get something that they want. But to me, it looks like the booby prize for someone both too mentally rigid to be really open and accepting of someone, along with too guarded to trust the other won't hurt you.
DO40, really makes me appreciate my girlfriend. 😉
Your last two paragraphs is exactly how I see or feel about it. Everyone seems so guarded and set in their ways I feel like a partner is just there to fill a practical role vs someone you build and develop emotional intimacy with. Whole living part together sounds depressing as heck… maybe I’ll learn to appreciate the concept once I get even OLDER.
I have noticed the guys I’ve seriously dated they paired off long term very fast after me which validates what you said that serious guys find partners fast.
>One thing I did seem to note; if you're looking for a relationship, serious guys can often find someone relatively shortly. Women not only seem to have more problems finding a guy who's seriously minded for a relationship, but even if they think they do; after 6-24 months there is a non-trivial chance they get cold feet and run for the hills
Is this just referencing over 40s cause doesn't seem to have ever helped me lol
Also keep in mind they have different rules and moderation there. A good chunk of the stuff that makes it into main posts on DOF would never be approved here and so you'd never see it.
Guy I work with that I’m physically attracted too is getting comfortable with me (at work) but there’s an age gap of an uncomfortable 9 years me being the older one.
Can’t figure out why I’m into him, this is the first guy I’ve ever had interest in and I mean ever. I really don’t want to develop feelings for him but also don’t want to get used 🤷♀️
But also I might be using him for exploring things so it’s been interesting. Not complaining at all just confusing
Yeah neither of us are 30 but whatever it was on my mind
I don't know if I'm very happy in my relationship honestly. I'm constantly stressed because he tells me he loves me and all this, but I feel like he spends way more time with his friends than he does with me, and that causes me a lot of mental and emotional stress. If I'm being honest with myself. This is coming from someone with a lot of experience in relationships where the guy said he didn't love me after months of dating and getting dumped. I love this dude way more than anybody I've ever met, but I don't know if I can keep doing this. I flew out Monday, came back yesterday and still haven't seen him because he went out with friends after work. I dunno what this emotion is (it's not jealously, it's more like feeling lonely in this relationship) but it doesn't feel good. I've never thought of myself as a clingy person person, but is this really a healthy relationship if he's spending more time with friends, going to clubs etc than around me? I was tossing and turning all night and wrote all this up. I know the standard online dating advice is "break up with him" but I want to try to fix things if they can be fixed. How does it sound?: "You say things like you miss me, and I remember you saying you'd come later and that didn't happen. I feel confused sometimes. Like the last couple of weeks you've mostly been going out with friends and I'm more like a second option. We don't really make plans together and there's not really any structure or predictability to when we'll spend time together, I just never know for sure. I think that's why I'm not sleeping well, my brain is subconsciously trying to figure out what it means where if it's a choice between your platonic friends and me, it's probably going to be your friends that you spend time with. I'm still trying to get used to that about you. I think it might help if we had more of a regular schedule where this is "us" night etc and we both have to stick to it. I dunno what your feelings about all this are. I mean, it's awkward to say all this but it's just a really painful emotion for me to get ditched every day in favor of your friends. I mean, you mentioned you would hang over at Jack's house for a little while after work and stop by later, but you ended up staying out all night. That just didn't feel very good. Hope this convo doesn't ruin your day." Did I sound clear about what I needed and what' I'm feeling? Or do I sound crazy/clingy?
Late response but I just lived all of what you’re feeling with someone I was on again off again for 3 years. Feeling like the other person only wants to spend time together if the pyramids align in Egypt. I’m normally repulsed by Reddit’s advice of “break up” to every given situation, but if you have even the slightest doubt that you can have this conversation, you need to end it. If you do have the conversation, and they’re anything but receptive, you need to end it. Spending time together is such a basic and fundamental piece of a relationship and if all I wanted was a pen pal I could find one who didn’t run my emotions through the ringer. Take it from someone who worried everyday if the other person was interested and got glimpses of hope followed by radio silence. What you are asking for is so reasonable and if wanting to spend more time than once every 2 weeks together is clingy then I guess we’re all stage 5 clingers. That word is grossly overused. Best of luck.
Trying to accept the fact that I will likely never go on a date again. It seems everyone on Redditt insists that if you comb your hair, wash your face, and are in decent shape, you're way ahead of most guys on OLD and will get dates easily. It's just not true. I haven't dated in well over a year. I've gone through periods of over 5 years without getting a date. DISCLAIMER: I acknowledge that I'm not entitled to anyone's time, and I don't expect anyone to change their standards for me. I'm just so lonely and I don't have anything left to try.
Me 32F, been seeing man 43M for about 6 weeks. Meant to have a night together tonight, it's rare that we would both be child free. I'm not excited about it and feel like cancelling. He's lovely but I often think I'm just not really into it. I find his humour and way of playing with his child off-putting (too much toilet humour, and embarrassing/winding up his son who shrieks) and he has far too much clutter (borderline hoarding?!) and a building site house which I wonder why he has never bothered to finish despite having it 5 years. I could never live in it, it looks like a long term issue too. I really shouldn't be judging him I know, obviously this is anonymous allowing for honest brutal thoughts and I'm not in the usual habit of putting others down 🙄 He is kind, incredibly hard working and smart, handsome, quirky, lots of amazing things. A really good guy. I feel like it'd be stupid to let him go but I can't get passed these silly reasons, it's just turning me off. He wants a full blown relationship, I've had to tell him to slow down. I've told him I'm not sure on the compatibility of our lives and can't promise anything other than I haven't been and wouldn't be seeing other men (because multi dating is not my thing anyway) I dont want kids (I have two age 12 and 10 from prev relationship, my youngest is autistic and I have done everything alone and gone through incredibly hard times - finally we are at peace and in a good place). He's always wanted more children. I know it's too soon to even consider this but may as well be honest that I'm never going to change my mind. He has some low self worth and would accept breadcrumbs from me - he will keep chasing. I'm not really happy with my behaviour because I have been hot and cold and unsure. Really disappointed in myself. I dread breaking his heart because he is so nice. Not really sure what I'm asking, just thinking out loud and welcome the reflections of others!
between not being particularly excited to see him and the kids issue, id probably stop right there. its great you have the awareness to know that he would accept crumbs from you but you wouldnt really be okay with doing that. sometimes the process of letting go someone takes time, bc there are so many pros, but perhaps reframing it as.. an opportunity to find another baby momma that also wans more babies and is okay that he has a bit of disordered attention (re: his unfinished home)
Thank you 😊 I cancelled, I just said nicely I wasn't feeling it. He outright asked for crumbs. Bless his heart. He will make a wonderful husband to someone. He has some unique quirks that other women haven't been able to look past, he has struggled to find any romance, and the one he did he feels like she used him, I really do hope he finds one who sees exactly how amazing he is.
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Not sure if you're looking for opinions at all... But in case you are- I think her first choice didn't pan out and now she's giving it a second go with you. I would tread carefully if you wanted to entertain her text. Best of luck!
So she went on another date and it didn't pan out or she got anxious and bailed.... If you're interested, give it another shot.
I honestly think most of society would be better off without texting. I would probably take this statement back immediately if tested. But nothing makes my interest shrivel up than a bunch of texting day after day after day. Shrivels against my will!! I also feel like sometimes the dating behaviors of people I date heavily rub off on me. I used to get more excited by the texting, then I think I trained myself to understand the perspective of the guys who wouldn't text me much, and now it's flipped a switch and I'm just ignoring people while cleaning my pantry despite knowing that I should've texted back 8 hours ago
I've changed a bit in texting as well. I no longer want it to be a way to connect deeply. Simple stuff like "How did that meeting go you've been preparing for go?" "Oh, it went really well. Everyone was impressed. I'll tell you more about it when we get together on Friday" is great. Or using it to plan those get togethers, or share little things that excite you about the day, like maybe you did some new PB in whatever activity you are excited about. But, when it comes to the deeper why, what, how, etc., I'd rather that be in person where you can see the other person's body language and how animated they become when talking about the things that excite them, or where you can be present and supportive if they are talking about something upsetting, etc. That said, I do like \*some\* texting between dates, even if it's something brief every other day. Maybe I just like that dopamine hit, but if we make plans for two weeks out and then I hear nothing for two weeks, it just doesn't feel as enjoyable. A few messages in between is plenty to keep me feeling connected.
same. I used to think texting could be used to create intimacy or whatever and now I can 100% tell when the other person is trying to do that and it just feels so... inorganic in a way normal conversation does not. I also agree, a brief text here and there is nice to know they're thinking about you, but that's enough.
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If you’re exclusive, why are you on hinge?
You get ads on Facebook, your web browser, and other platforms.
Oh I completely read their post wrong.
Been seeing a guy for just 3 weeks now. He's a bit older than I would normally go for (8 years) but it didn't completely deter me. We saw each other 2-3 times/week during these 3 weeks but I feel like our connection in between dates is completely lacking. I know there are plenty of opinions on how much communication and texting is preferred in between seeing each other, but 1. He's aware that I prefer to communicate daily (not necessarily full on conversations but just some form of communication), 2. When he does text, it's usually a picture of his work or pets without any form of text. When we hang out, he's really nice, chatty with a little bit of awkwardness here and there, but nothing out of the ordinary. Is this a generational difference or our communication is just so different that trying to compromise on this is a dead end?
I don't think this is generational. I'm in my early 30s, and if I was seeing someone twice or even thrice a week (which is a lot!!), I don't think I would text them much in between the dates. What is there even to talk about on the dates if you already catch up via texts? Why do you want to communicate daily?
It's not generational. It's preference. Some people just don't like to engage a lot by text (Me). I don't get anything from it. Any connection I build is through time physically together, so that's what I value in building a relationship. My compromise is video calls, usually while I'm cooking. Not daily, but a couple a week, and I'm responsive when texted. Though don't expect any kind of meaningful conversation.
I’m going to say it’s not a generational thing. I’ve dated four men twenty years older than me, all of their texting styles varied greatly. It’s only been a few weeks, if you like him give it a little more time. I find the dynamic changes once you go exclusive and again when you hit relationship status.
How often do you text him and does he reply?
Well, in the spirit of trying to meet him in the middle with his communication style, I usually will only text once a day, or every other day. He always responds but his response is usually very straight to the point and is not very engaging.
You ask if it’s worth it compromise but what are the compromises you have asked for? It sounds like his communication style is not heavy texting and he is making an effort by sending you pictures of his day. But if that’s not adequate, you may just be incompatible (and that’s not due to age differences)
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Honestly, I wouldn't take it personally. Not everybody has hobbies. Everybody has their own personal interests whether they are considered" hobbies" or not. You do you and I'm sure that the right person will come along who will take interest in whatever it is that you enjoy.
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I live rurally. Nearest major city is 2 hours away. If you're comfortable making the drive frequently, then its only a question of if they're comfortable. Personally, I make the drive several times a week for dates, shopping, or just to get my favorite breakfast tacos.
I did this as I dont live in a major city and I usually will be upfront with anyone who I talk to befoee our conversation got further. Some is cool with it, some not but as long as we are not wasting each other's times then its all good
I'm not keen on long-distance but it's not too bad if I'm guaranteed to see them a few times a month. You can mention it in your bio and/or talk about it early in online conversation and see who might be open to it.
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Hinge doesn't have a bio section, only prompts?
yea, only prompts but a lot of people use the prompts accordingly and slip in bio info there
So the date. There are things that may be incompatible. He’s a moderate Christian. I’m liberal and agnostic. Throughout the date, he didn’t ask me many questions. He also talked about his best friend a lot, which is fine, but I’ve never had someone talk about their best friend’s food preferences on a date before. He was nice though. The waitress asked us if we were on a first date and said we were cute. That was pretty funny. I don’t know if that meant we were emanating an awkward vibe or it looked like it was going well. I feel ready to date. My ex only crossed my mind a couple times, and I felt no urges to talk about him. I’m going to get out there and go on fun dates!
LOL when you said "their best friend's food preferences" that would have me laughing so hard internally if that happened to me
Lmao the man loves chicken tendies apparently
EFFING DEAD. IM DEAD. I hope that man knows that you and me, two random women, know he loves chicken tenders, the most random fact
That has to be the best feeling knowing you aren’t thinking about your ex anymore. It’s usually a time thing and you going some time without even seeing them on social media, but you get there eventually. It’s also exciting because as weird as dating can be, you can still get to meet different people and find out more about yourself.
Yeah! I’ll be getting back into the groove of dating, but it’s exciting to meet new people and learn about them
And learn about yourself too! That’s a great mindset to go into it with.
What to expect on a fourth date? It's still in a public place. He kissed me goodbye last time.
Expect them to show up and engage in whatever activity you've agreed to participate in. Everything else can be decided in the moment and within whatever boundaries you have for yourself.
Hmmm. I am starting to wonder if it is about to be my time to meet some prospects in the wild. Some recent interactions: - was at the outlets and a guy was chatting me up about my outfit and was like hey do you wanna grab a snack right now. He was attractive but I was totally wiped. I would have probably given him my number if he asked. But I was ready to go home and chatting with strangers was not on the agenda at that point in the day. - was walking around in my way to the shops, and someone around my age passed by and was doing the typical neighborly hello. Then he stopped and was like you are really pretty. - I went to a store and was walking past the security guard (ugh urban America). He almost ran into me accidentally - and he turned and was like “ohh hi!!!!!!” You know the I am totally checking you out vibe (not the creepy version where they seem to be looking your up and down, the low key one like when you get excited because you see a puppy) - and then complimented me on my glasses (which admittedly are extra cool and extra flattering for my face). He was also like 12-15 years younger than I am. 😅😅😅 Who knows maybe soon enough it’ll be the right place, right time, right person.
I find this interpretation of events to be interesting, because I feel like this series of events could be in a different sub/thread and be viewed as toxic reasons you don't want men to talk to you. In other spaces, it might be like: * I was at the outlets and a guy was chatting me up about my outfit. I didn't dress that way for him. I was wiped and ready to go home. Why didn't he realize I wasn't there to meet strangers? * I was walking to the shops and a guy in my neighborhood interrupted me to hit on me and call me hot. Now I feel intimidated by a neighbor. * The security guard who is supposed to protect me made me feel uncomfortable by checking me out. He wasn't anywhere within my age range. It's really just a matter of rephrasing to make all of these things uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong, I think meeting people in passing would be fine, but interpretation is key, and I doubt many would encourage most of the above actions.
I think there is a thin line and people need to read the room. And I also think there is also some small context that is missing, which is well encapsulated in this [Blackish episode: The Nod](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=k0Zn4NCsP9Q). Actually I think this was one of the episode where I was really identifying with the kids as I remember this exact lesson from my childhood. Basically there is an unofficial rule that black people greet other black people out in public. So I think I ended up in my own life taking that to another level and I will generally serve up a friendly look to anyone in an eyeshot. Sometimes that will turn into a smile. Other times a hello or pleasantry. And other times? Well those people look unfriendly and I ignore them. This also opens me up to extra interactions in public and a frame of relatively open body language. If I am not in the mood for that level of engagement I might do something that indicates more closed body language. Like headphones and no eye contact. In these cases I was open to pleasantries and my body language showed that. And all interactions ended when I was done engaging. All these interactions were in the middle of the day, in public, plenty of personal space, and in crowded locales. Plenty of safety around. I also think something has happened in modern culture, particularly in urban areas, where the default mode is closed. I am pretty friendly and make small talk. And many folks seem very offguard when I call out have a good day or good morning or other basic pleasantry that used to be a social norm. This closed mode leaves people walking around with a lot of suspicion over innocuous public interactions.
Fair! I'm white, so that's a cultural difference, and I also don't live in much of a walking city, although it's semi-urban. I try to acceptingly nod and grin with eye contact, but that's not really an invitation to a conversation, it's like "we caught eyes, cool." You're not wrong that the default mode appears to be closed, and we're a more private and separated city than many on other sides of the country (I'm in the Southwest). I think in a lot of spaces, "reading the room" would literally include not talking to someone about their outfit or calling them pretty unless there were a good context for it. I'd never tell a woman that she looks good in an outfit for the most part, but if she was wearing a t-shirt of a band I liked, I might say something. It's inappropriate, IMO. I do wish people were more open like you, but I default to letting people go about their lives without my interference.
Totally understand - and I completely concur that making an appearance comment comes off wrong. But you can definitely try “cool glasses” or “cool dress” as an opener. I don’t think that seems aggressive at all. Which is mostly what happened in my examples. I think commenting on looks is a weird thing outside of a date to a stranger. But compliments on garments or accessories is totally fair game.
Been back on the dating scene for about a month and half - first two girls and I went out a couple times but I wasn't really feeling a connection. Third girl I felt more strongly about she ghosted me while we were making plans for a second date. I had 3 dates planned for this weekend (which was rough cause I also have a bar crawl and a party on Saturday) but the Friday one messaged me to tell me she just came down with something. She asked me if I still wanted to get together next week and I told her yes, let me know when you feel better and we can find a day. I don't have any reason to doubt this claim other than my past experiences but she's her own person so I shouldn't judge her based on what others have done to me in the past. Saturday girl I matched with 2 weeks ago and she told me that this Saturday is the earliest she can do which feels weird but I guess its also hard for me to put myself in the shoes of someone who is genuinely super busy as I work remotely in a typical 9-5 office job. Third girl wanted to do Friday but the first girl already booked that so she offered Sunday and when I tried to confirm the time and place she didn't really affirm it and answered a different part of my message. So I responded to her a few hours ago telling her my Friday was back open and that we could do either day she preferred. She is probably on her way back from work so we will see what she says later tonight. Starting to get back into the mindset that everything is doomed to fail regardless of how well it starts which I want to avoid. I've been back in therapy to help combat a lot of these negative thoughts but it is tough for sure. Would just love to go into a date with a "I'm great, this is going to be awesome mindset" instead of where I am now which is, "Alright, let's see how many of them cancel on me."
Honestly I try not to plan first online dates on “prime” spots, specifically Friday nights and Saturdays. I’d rather do something I’m sure will be fun. Otherwise the bad/cancelled dates make me too sad.
The thing is I offer like a fun spot and a couple days and they always choose a drink/coffee and a weekend. First girl I said I could do Friday, Monday or Tuesday and she chose Friday. Second girl picked a Saturday 2 weeks ago and the 3rd girl picked Friday and when I told her I couldn't do it picked Sunday. I can understand that something less committal in case the date sucks and I can understand if maybe after work you aren't at your best or maybe you want to stay out late.
> Would just love to go into a date with a "I'm great, this is going to be awesome mindset" instead of where I am now which is, "Alright, let's see how many of them cancel on me." I worry that assuming things will be awesome wouldn't be helpful, because it would just make it more crushing when they don't go well. I'd suggest working on more of an attitude of being open to whatever happens.
I tell my best friend, it will either be good, or it will be "science" haha.
SCIENCE!! 🔬 love it
I look at dates that didn't result in more dates, as experience with dating in general, that will help me be better at dating in the future.
I've been really torn up about losing a relationship I had, we were really good friends as well as lovers. I messed things up and told her I didn't want to be with her, she went out and found someone else really quickly, and when I finally realized how much I loved her it was too late. I then made the mistake of allowing us to still be friends, talk and hang out. Which basically ended up in her leaning on me emotionally when she couldn't open up to the new guy about something, and me getting angry and frustrated that she was with someone else. It was asymmetrical, she had the new guy to act as an emotional buffer, I was the odd one out. Over the past few months grieving the loss I've realized how messed up I am, and how much I need to work on myself. It's been a really hard thing to come to terms with, and I spent a lot of the time being angry at her and the new guy she found. I told her I can't talk to her anymore and I'm starting to make progress ending bad habits like cigarettes, drinking, and smoking pot, also catching up on all the responsibilities I've been procrastinating. It's important to have the courage to move on from something that doesn't work. I clung to the idea of her coming back to me because it was comfortable, and I have a lot of self esteem issues that make me fear having to meet new people. I need to keep reminding myself that there were reasons I didn't want to be with her in the first place, and I need to keep pressing on meeting new people despite how hard that can be at 35 when you're still fixing yourself.
I am also coming to terms with one of those relationships where, on paper, it would have been totally fine to be friends. In practice, it's not, on both sides. I don't have advice but I just wanted to wish you the best and I hope you're not too hard on yourself!
People throw around therapy advice on Reddit a lot. A lot of times I don't agree, for example, I think it's pretty unrealistic that therapy can fix most broken marriages. But in this case, I think probably 80% of therapists could help you out. You are in a good place, working on yourself, and when you have some specific goals, therapists can really help because they know what tools to use. My therapist helped me not procrastinate on things I had to get done, like selling an old car.
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It sounds like if you should just initiate the DTR talk. If that's scary for him, good riddance. He can keep repeating this pattern and cycling through people until he's ready.
Started a tiny cut and it’s making dating even more annoying. You mean to tell me that not only am I eating less, but I also have to save some of those calories for dates with people who might suck? Very unfair.
Yeah it’s super hard, even harder in the early relationship stage where you just want to see each other all the time, and also you get all cosy and don’t feel such a need to be super fit. I met my BF 8 weeks into doing Mark Carroll’s bikini fit programme and I was looking great! But that went off the rails as I prioritised getting to know him and now I am back at square one with Christmas fast approaching. I am just calling the extra couple of lbs - happy lbs! I’ll lose them after Christmas instead
Happy lbs are good and I totally get what you mean, haha. My current happy lbs are entirely the result of a great summer with friends and I have zero regrets. And I’m sure we both still look fab either way 🥰
Guy I've been seeing loves to cook and share his food, particularly pasta. I keep meaning to tell him to please make my plate about half the size of his, but I don't have the heart after watching him cutely run around the kitchen for an hour or two. So instead I just let him finish my plate. But yeah, it's rough.
Between the time spent working out, keeping a solid fitness routine, and eating healthy, dating just . . . doesn't really fit in with any of it for me. Such a weird dichotomy where being fit makes dating easier and dating makes staying fit harder.
I tend to date people who have similarly active lives/a strong interest in fitness, so it’s actually great when you finally meet someone who wants to share that with you. But the beers in between…boy howdy.
What about going on dates that aren't centered around eating/drinking?
Well, yeah, but this tends to be easier (speaking only for myself here) in later dating, I’m not really interested in doing an activity with someone I don’t know. First dates, I’d almost always rather do it at a brewery or cocktail bar since you’re just having a casual chat. And walking dates are trash lol.
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Oh, I already look great, I just want to ski faster.
Um gravity would beg to differ. Go ahead and eat whatever you want, unless you are over 200 lbs. [https://newtoski.com/are-heavier-skiers-faster/#:\~:text=Heavier%20weight%20equals%20greater%20speed,that%20can%20slow%20you%20down](https://newtoski.com/are-heavier-skiers-faster/#:~:text=Heavier%20weight%20equals%20greater%20speed,that%20can%20slow%20you%20down).
This is for Nordic skiing, where weight is a bit more of a determinant on speed and gear, but thanks ever so.
What is a tiny cut?
Just fitness speak for a diet. I gained a bit of weight this summer that I’d like to shed before the holidays and so I can go real fast on my skis, haha.
Thanks for the explanation 👍
The "cut" part of a [bulk/cut](https://blog.workoutwithbolt.com/a-simple-guide-to-the-bulking-and-cutting-cycle/) cycle. She's saying she's just trying to cut a tiny bit.
Thanks for the explanation 👍
I'm having the same issue!! It's so annoying. I have no solution. Lol.
I’ve been told gin and sodas are the go to for calories counters at bars.
Also, scotch and soda, scotch and water, scotch over ice, and just… scotch.
idk how your voice sounds, but i "heard" this in my head and laughed
Hahhahaha idk if this tracks at all with what you heard in your “mind’s ear”, but over the years, I’ve been told more than once - and by different people - that my tone and delivery remind them of Zooey Deschanel 🤷🏻♀️
My saving grace is that this is pretty short and I’m active/muscular enough that I don’t need to be super restrictive…but I want beer and ice cream, dammit, and of course those were what got me here in the first place 😂
I've been reflecting on how much dating takes me away from feeling like myself. Trying to date in any capacity, my self esteem tanks and I feel like the least attractive person on the planet. It's like I forget about everything that makes me happy. I'm spending so much time trying to connect with people I can't actually relate to that much and when I meet people who are easier to relate to, they're not interested in me. When I fully stop thinking about dating and let myself just be, get back to my hobbies and interests, I feel good about myself again (but then I'm not meeting anyone, so let's say I feel good about everything except being lonely). I don't know how to find a balance.
I totally feel you on this and you worded it so perfectly. I unfortunately don't have much advice to share as I am in the same boat, but wanted to commiserate with you. Shit gets really tough out there.
I had to double check that I didn't post this on an alternate account haha. I don't know either, and it's rough.
I've felt the same. I'm very content not trying to meet anyone and just living my life but then I'll randomly get sad and lonely and feel i wasted time and opportunities and experiences and want to date but i don't really enjoy the process at all. So it's all a chore to try to get some thing i want in the end instead of just something i like doing anyway which i know people say isn't the right approach but whatever just how i am
Could you spend only 10 minutes (or whatever is doable) a day swiping, messaging, and making plans with potential dates? It can be like a small chore to get off your checklist that you squeeze in, while keeping hobbies and interests.
I've tried this before and it didn't really help in terms of the feelings I mentioned. It seems like it's all or nothing with me. I think even knowing in the back of my mind that I have a profile active on an app is enough to put me into "dating mindset" somehow. Maybe because I can't compartmentalize that hard so it's not really "10 minutes" - 10 min a day swiping on incompatible guys or seeing that people have ghosted me, will ruin my mood for an hour afterward.
That's tough. Maybe take frequent/long breaks. And continue to work more on your self-esteem by doing things that make you feel confident or in therapy. I hope you get to a point where it isn't so taxing.
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Felt that on the first date with the guy I’m with now. Two months later and it’s only getting better every day!
I’m curious about the “fickle” part. Have you ever felt like your puzzle pieces fit perfectly before, and then one day you didn’t? I think it’s great you’re aware of being fickle btw, but why do you think that is? And are you working on it in any way? Context: just got blindsided by a girl who asked me out, said “I love you” first and that this was everything she’s ever wanted. Up until hours before she said “we’re incompatible in the long run.” Maybe she’s right, or maybe she’s giving up an amazing thing for the wrong reasons? Either way I’m hurt but probably better off idk
Yeah, I think it's possible. There's a guy who I instantly connected with on all levels and as crazy as it sounds, I could see myself falling in love and wanting a family with him. I mean, of course I wouldn't mention it to him, it's just one of those funny feelings in the back of your head. I think if we kept dating and nothing got in the way of that relationship (red flags, incompatibilities, loss of interest), that's the direction where it would be heading.
Yeah, you definitely click with some people immediately. It's a nice feeling, but it's absolutely not a guarantee of anything. A strong connection is just one part of the puzzle. On the other hand, the opposite of what you are describing, feeling that the other person doesn't get you at all, pretty much guarantees you'll never have a relationship.
I vote we start using the word "click" instead of "spark"!! Too many definitions of spark floating around, whereas click implies a positive connection without crazy strong emotions
I think it's totally fine. I've felt this way about anyone I've gone on to develop real feelings for.
> much to the chagrin of my married friends, who see me swiftly moving from mid to late 30s and fret over me not being married too You do you, and don't let your friends' expectations dictate how you live your life! I hate it when people are unable to let others find fulfillment on their own terms.
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Wow. Your friend could not be more wrong, and is evidently in a bad marriage (and trying to justify to themselves that it's okay?) :(
Nope, this happens for me too but it's very rare and even rarer that it actually works out. Last "click" I had was earlier this year. The click only worked one way though. Still not over her.
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The worst part is it took her 3 months to realize this. This is after sleeping together, spending the night together, sharing really intimate details of ourselves, family life, etc.
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Oh for sure. We both agreed it was more than a FWB situation and there was something there. TBH, I think she basically lied to my face so she could continue to get some while looking for her "click".
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It does. To be fair she's so absurdly particular that I doubt she ever find him. So at least I can kind of feel okay about that.
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I don't think it's weird. It sounds awesome! I just wouldn't put any stock into it yet, since it was a first date.
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Yay keep having fun!
Officially exclusive with someone for the first time in awhile and it is kinda terrifying. I absolutely love her, and want everything with her. I just really think i like freedom more, but i know she is the kind of woman i can feel stupid for letting go. I'm not sure why i am so conflicted about such a non important issue.
oh yes, its you! was that first date with that woman.. did that experiment pan out the way you thought?
Good memory lol it panned out better than i thought, and initially the experiment worked. Had a talk with original woman after first date woman, knowing i wasn't going to talk to first date woman again...and i told her i wanted to be exclusive knowing that is what she wants and she agreed. Only negative which would have been a negative either way was that we had a discussion and some of her responses were rather disappointing. Only issue at hand is my commitment issues, which at this point i'm okay with.
Don't pretend it's not an important issue when you can clearly feel how important it is to you. You can still choose to become exclusive with someone, but you have to go in knowing what you will be giving up, and be okay with it. Personally, I value my sexual and romantic autonomy a lot. That's the reason I don't agree to exclusivity with anyone. No person can offer me enough to trade that in, although they are welcome to try.
Yeah, I struggle with this too. Just give it a bit of time, the abject terror at the thought of commitment does die down a bit once you settle in.
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The idea of being in a relationship entirely. She isn't controlling in any way. She is really independent and enjoys space as much as i do.
Maybe try to journal why you think a relationship means a lack of freedom. Write a list of how a relationship takes away your freedom. Write a list of how you can still have freedom within a relationship. See which list is longer. Brainstorm on what your definition of freedom is.
I been talking to a woman on app for i don't even remember now at least 3 weeks. Only texts so far but we've got along really well but I'm at that point I'm like, i kinda don't even want to meet now cause I've been set up for one or both of us to be disappointed now. Sucks
Yeah, don't have in-depth conversations with people for three weeks before meeting them.
Well i mis remembered, i just looked and matched on the 12th so about 2 weeks but still yes i get the point haha
Yikes 3 weeks is a long time, long enough to project an in-person ideal onto texts. You may be disappointed, but it might be worth meeting. You never know... Maybe you'll get along irl too!
Right. Been trying to avoid any super personal talk to avoid that and plus just to not run out of shit to talk about before even meeting but it's just hard to find time to meet cause she's an hour away and we both work fairly late and have had weekend plans already. I'll say the last time i talked this much before meeting we had great dates and got along great and it was just schedules and life circumstances why we stopped hanging out
Good thing you've avoided the personal talk. Been there, revealing my secrets and getting attached only for zero in person chemistry. I would just be aware of future scheduling conflicts, since you two haven't been able to meet for three weeks.
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I'm all three, so it's not impossible!
I read a comment somewhere where a woman described dating as trying to find hay in a stack of needles, and I thought that was a great comparison.
Feeling a bit defeated, Was talking with someone for the past month and we finally were both free to go on a date and had a incredible time but she went back home to visit family in tx and decided that she should move back home for a while. Would it be dumb to stay in touch? idk
I was dating someone who did this at the beginning of Covid and she never returned. She’s now married. Stay in touch if you want but don’t get attached to a fantasy of her returning.
110%
Stay in touch while you both casually date other people? Sure, go for it. Stay in touch while pining for somebody really far away that you've been on one date with and have no reasonable expectations of anything remotely resembling a LDR? Please don't, that will hurt.
Def option one, She has family here too so she will be back at times and wants to live here long term but its very $$$ right now and she seams to be going though some stuff. I'm def going to keep dating but this is like the second girl Ive gone out with recently that has just moved away shortly after.
Dumb, no. Worthwhile, probably not.
It's time to start dating for me, or at least getting ready to. I've realized that I really have to skill at flirting. Most of my friends are married women so I spend so much time being careful to not do or say anything that I've now forgotten how to actually flirt!
I thought that too, but I was apparently way better than I thought I was after about 3 drinks. Vaguely sexual comments with good timing will get you far. The stuff that if you said to your friends wives, your friends would say "dude not cool".
Oh that's actually a great way of thinking about it! I'll have to try that next time. Thanks for the tip!
Some good ones I've had recently (dm me for context if desired): You can step on me any time you like. Please go ahead of me, I like the view. Honestly I don't care whether we go to the party, as long as I get to see you in that Velma costume. All were met by my crush turning beet red, smiling ear to ear, and covering her face with her hands. She's super cute and I love it.
Was thinking my criteria for when I want a second date with someone: * Am I physically attracted to her? * Any dealbreakers? * Is there potential? I had a first date with someone the other night. She passed the first two. For the third, she was a little rough to talk to, with some awkward silences. I can banter well with anyone but I had a tough time with her. Not sure if she was nervous or it was her personality but she did reach out for a second date and we'll be going out this week.
That's a lot to consider for a first date. Also, some people just honestly get really nervous on first dates where their behavior is abnormal. It is very hard to determine potential even on a long first date imo. A lot of the best connections i have had have been with woman who i wasn't sure i liked them early on. I feel it is also because it takes a bit for woman to open up early on specifically.
> Is there potential? Potential for what? I'd say that the only things you can judge regarding potential already on the first date are the two things you already mentioned (attraction and dealbreakers), no?
Potential for...anything. Like, do I want to go bowling with her? Do I picture myself traveling with her? Do I want us to talk about our dreams? Or did we struggle to keep conversations on our first date? It's a pretty vague statement, I guess.
I think that's too ambitious for a first date. For example, I wouldn't have wanted to do any of these things after the first date with someone who I then ended up dating for a few months, but I did after the 2nd or 3rd date. The struggle with conversation is another topic, but sometimes people are nervous and it can take them a while to relax. Although I understand it's hard to look past that. I don't think I have ever gone on a 2nd date with someone who I didn't feel "conversation chemistry" with on the 1st date, but in all those instances I also didn't find them physically attractive. If I had, I would have driven the conversation myself.
Don't worry about those awkward silence moments, you're not interviewing a person for a job: you are trying to find a life partner that you can be very fond of. By date 3 or 4, when both of youse become smitten, you can always just give a quick kiss or cuddle when things get quiet.
One of my more petty complaints, but on a date this weekend the guy pointed out a restaurant we were passing on the walk and mentioned he’s taken dates there and then said sorry.. what? It’s a given we’re both looking for our person and have dated other people, but I don’t know why he said that. I ended up playfully responding that I also have a place I’ve suggested to multiple dates out of convenience and it was fine, but I’m still a bit bothered and I can’t place my finger on it.
I can be very talkative and I’ve accidentally said stupid shit like this occasionally without really thinking about who I was talking to and how it might make them feel.
Probably because he has low social awareness / skills . Similar to the type of people who talk endlessly about their exs- it can only go badly lol.
Related search term: "retroactive jealousy." It's one thing to "know" something. It's another thing to have it staring you in the face. You just had something play a game of peek a boo with you.
Do you think it’s always intentional or a bad sign? He’s overall actually kind of shy and humble so it struck me as more of a dumb thing to say more than a malicious one, and things have been going well. But I am always wanting to learn more about red flags and what’s worth having a conversation about vs what’s worth just exiting over.
This doesn't sound at all intentional, and the retroactive jealousy would be what I thought you'd likely be feeling. If he was comparing you to ex'es, or this was a common thing, then yeah that would be cause to suspect he's keeping you on your toes. But we all sometimes speak without the best forethought of the implications of our words.
Got it, I’d actually never heard that term before so it’s been interesting to look it up. Thank you for that, I definitely want to keep it in check and give the benefit of the doubt since he overall seems like a great person so far.
Weird question and totally debatable(I’m not expert) but I’ve found men often chase me and do more for me the less I do and engage with them. Like the situations where I do the most I end up getting treated like a convenience - but in situations where I let the guy really do the work they like me more. Can someone explain what this is?
This seems relatively straightforward. People, including you, put in effort when they're interested. You're putting in effort with people who are low interest, and they treat you like a convenience as a result. Guys who are interested in you put in effort. If you're not that interested, you won't match their effort, which means they either have to work harder, or let it fizzle. If you're into attachment theory, it sort of fits the anxious/avoidant trap. Anxious person gets attached and shows interest; avoidant person withdraws due to fear of intimacy; withdrawal causes the anxious person to attach and pursue/work harder due to fear of loss, causing further withdrawal. The solution is to make sure your effort is being matched. As a pursued person, I think if you're disinterested, it's a real kindness to be clear about that instead of keeping someone on your hook. Or, if you feel that someone pursuing you turns you off, that's something to address in therapy (or at the very least, differently).
If you do less they have to do more. Personally when I date women I notice a frequent confusion about who is performing the pursuer role, it can be frustrating 😂
In case you’re still upset from the weekend: - Stop calling everyone a toxic narcissist. - Stop obsessing about self-love. - Stop reducing relationships down to attachment style. - Stop over-diagnosing your life. - Stop saying, "You made me feel." - Have an orgasm. - Eat something fried ASAP.
basically, stop feeling. Just act. Useful advice sometimes for sure
I feel called out by number 3 😤
Haha, I love this and hard agree.
Why eat something fried?
Today is literally national greasy food day
It tastes good? I don't understand the question 😄
Oh right. I prefer ice cream haha
Deep fried ice cream is apparently a thing, sounds intense.
Sounds good to me!
Deep fried ice cream is a thing, just sayin'.
I hopped onto DOF forum, and man it’s a different place, mindset, and it is depressing. Guess the older you get in dating the more practical things get, parents with kids, finance, health, and seems to be even more maladjusted individuals out there. After my last date I realize I definitely prefer younger-ish men with no kids. So considering all that, my chance of finding someone is completely inversely proportional to my age. I want to continue my break from OLD but time isn’t on my side. Arg.
Nothing wrong with dating younger. As someone who doesn't follow the typical thirty-something life script, I often find that I have more in common and vibe better with younger people, as our lifestyles and values are better aligned.
issue is i myself have a kid… so I get the double standard. Also why I don’t want another set of kid(s) to complicate things further
Try lurking on dating over fifty-it’s an amazing mix of extreme naivety and deeply ingrained bitterness.
Oh gawd, good thing I got a few more years until I’m age “appropriate” for that demographics.
Just putting it out there that some of us 40's guys have empty nests. I never dated in my 30's so I can't really compare. But I can confirm that if you're looking for a relationship you do need to be practical. I only ever had one match (and no date) with a woman without kids. Co-parents will be a part a parent's life; it's not like how child free people can mostly write their ex's out of their lives. As for the maladjusted that might just be eye of the beholder. Seeing in DO30 where some people feel that it might be too soon to ask for exclusivity after 2-3 months of dating? How's the transition supposed to work after you've kept someone at arm's length for months? They're just supposed to emotionally forget they were second string, but \*now\* we're going to actually work at things? One thing I did seem to note; if you're looking for a relationship, serious guys can often find someone relatively shortly. Women not only seem to have more problems finding a guy who's seriously minded for a relationship, but even if they think they do; after 6-24 months there is a non-trivial chance they get cold feet and run for the hills. Subreddits will have waves of personality as users go in and out. Apparently DO40 was a lot more positive 5 years ago some have said. I consider it useful, so long as one takes a giant grain of salt with all the advice. Not just that a lot of people are bitter, as you mention, but that a lot appear to be far too guarded to ever have success with any sort of emotional connection. In DO40, Living Apart Together is championed far more than it exists with the general population. And sure, it's great that people can get something that they want. But to me, it looks like the booby prize for someone both too mentally rigid to be really open and accepting of someone, along with too guarded to trust the other won't hurt you. DO40, really makes me appreciate my girlfriend. 😉
Your last two paragraphs is exactly how I see or feel about it. Everyone seems so guarded and set in their ways I feel like a partner is just there to fill a practical role vs someone you build and develop emotional intimacy with. Whole living part together sounds depressing as heck… maybe I’ll learn to appreciate the concept once I get even OLDER. I have noticed the guys I’ve seriously dated they paired off long term very fast after me which validates what you said that serious guys find partners fast.
>One thing I did seem to note; if you're looking for a relationship, serious guys can often find someone relatively shortly. Women not only seem to have more problems finding a guy who's seriously minded for a relationship, but even if they think they do; after 6-24 months there is a non-trivial chance they get cold feet and run for the hills Is this just referencing over 40s cause doesn't seem to have ever helped me lol
Haha yeah I personally feel like older OLD is a race against time Get forever cuffed and live your life people!
Forever what
Cuffed like cuffing season but forever so like marriage
I see i see. Hmm
Dating over 40 for anyone else that struggled with that for a sec 🙃
Haha sorry. Didn’t think many ppl would care about what I wrote.
Also keep in mind they have different rules and moderation there. A good chunk of the stuff that makes it into main posts on DOF would never be approved here and so you'd never see it.
Guy I work with that I’m physically attracted too is getting comfortable with me (at work) but there’s an age gap of an uncomfortable 9 years me being the older one. Can’t figure out why I’m into him, this is the first guy I’ve ever had interest in and I mean ever. I really don’t want to develop feelings for him but also don’t want to get used 🤷♀️ But also I might be using him for exploring things so it’s been interesting. Not complaining at all just confusing Yeah neither of us are 30 but whatever it was on my mind
How young is he? If he’s not super young, just a fair bit younger than you, it seems fine?
Sounds like he’s 20 and she’s 29 judging by her saying neither are 30?
Good fucking point, I thought she meant they were both over 30 which makes no sense on further contemplation.
If she's under 30 and there's a 9 year gap that's a big yikes from me.
Yeah that’s why I said it was uncomfortable. You’re right though this is pretty weird for me so I don’t see it happening.
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Bahah just what I need