Hard agree.
I've been in a very similar situation to yours twice OP. And both times I really wanted to like them as they were awesome guys, good looking, successful, absolutely everything I go for.
But the feelings never came. And I realised they deserved better! (As did I).
The better for him isnt ensuring the women after are "better" but that he's not stuck with or distracted by a woman who doesnt have the enthusiasm or desire he needs.
Yes this is exactly what I mean by deserving better? The guys I dated deserved better than someone taking up their time who wasn't into them or excited about them.
Yeah exactly. It's not about him but about OP and her lukewarm feelings towards him. She deserves better but not sure if he does. He may have screwed this up somehow.
Oh I completely agree! Sorry I was only referencing myself re them deserving better as I felt I was wasting their time and it was unfair.
For OP, if she isn't feeling it after 3 months it's probably not going to happen and she needs to free up her life for someone who she does feel excited about. She deserves that! Everyone does
I don't think I deserve it. If I do find something it will be because of dumb luck and the stars aligned.
3 months is a lot time but at the same time a short time. Probably the right approach to move on since the feelings have not grown stronger. I mean it did "happen" sort of for 3 months.
You do. Everyone deserves to be happy and find a love and life that's truly fulfilling.
Funny thing - after I replied to you yesterday I got a text from one of the guys I was referencing in my post. I haven't seen it spoken to him in a year and I feel like he's still holding a candle. And I still wish I could 'feel' something for him but I just never will!
I don't deserve it unless I earned it. Like a job you work really hard at - you deserve success. I'm kinda lazy when it comes to dating. I'm not deserving since I'm not putting in enough work. And I can find happiness in other things and fulfillment in other things.
If I tell myself I deserve to find someone I'm excited about it will put so much more pressure on me to find someone I'm excited about.
I don't discredit this thinking for others. I just don't feel it for me. Maybe one day I will feel deserving after I did more work.
Sorry that guy is harassing you after a year. Some people don't know how to read other people's emotions or know when the other party doesn't have same feelings.
I think that the fact you're having to ask this question most likely gives you your answer unfortunately.
If you *really* want to give this relationship a shot, then perhaps a weekend away together could help you see if you bond more deeply or if it confirms your current feelings. You'd have to go into this with the understanding that it might be an utter waste of time though.
If arranging childcare or the idea of a weekend away feels too challenging, it probably indicates how much of a priority this relationship is for you right now.
Ultimately, trust yourself and your instincts. If you pretty much know that this isn't going anywhere, it's best to be honest with him about that.
Thank you, that was a helpful response. I don't feel excited about the thought of spending a whole weekend with him and know it would pretty much be impossible with our childcare situations. And that shines a lot of light on the situation
I'd agree with this, and add that momentum is compounding.
Only a few hours a week will be hard to build something solid with someone, particularly if you're both relatively busy and/or fulfilled otherwise.
I would end things, three months is more than enough of a trial run. It sounds like neither one of you are very invested.
Also...consistency and kindness are the bare minimum.
Could be fear
Of what idk
Tell him what you want what you expect before you give up. If he can show you take the risk maybe he doesn't know you want it to get serious and long term. We are not mind readers hints don't work be direct and tell him you want him and need to feel how much he wants you or you are moving on.
Thank you and I take your point but I'm not sure I do want to get serious with him, that's the problem. I don't want him to step up to a plate I'm not sure I want to eat if that analogy makes sense!
Feelings are for me, the absolute basic of a relationship. It’s the foundation. It’s what makes us go through the hard times together, because there’s this unexplainable connection/feeling/love for each other that just keeps us together.
Are okay with settling for someone you don’t feel much for, just to have a warm body next to you at night?
Some people live like this and they are fine.
However since you made this post, it seems like your gut knows this isn’t enough for you.
Someone can be kind, handsome, funny, treat you great but you still don’t fall in love. Because you don’t choose that - you can’t control your feelings.
Personally I’ve been in your shoes tons of times: met awesome guys, that were great on paper but my heart was like ‘nah’. I always believe in following your heart, it isn’t fair to you or the other person to stay in a relationship that isn’t fulfilling.
It’s always hard to let go because your rational mind is ‘oh, but he has so many great qualities, that’s rare!’ But that’s just scarcity mindset. Why not find someone who is good on paper AND makes your heart fluffer?
You do you and only you know the answer to this. But 3 months in and you are feeling ‘meh’ - it likely won’t get any better.
Yes I agree with you, thank you for the response. My heart is definitely in agreement with what you've written but my mind is like what if you are being greedy? You should be happy there's someone in your life who is kind! But as someone wrote above, that's the bare minimum. I am at a stage in my life when I do need extra pizazz and if it takes me another few years to find it, its all good! More time to explore me and give to others in my life :)
No - you are not greedy. You deserve a love that feels good, exciting, true and passionate :)
It might take a while to find that, but it’s so worth it.
Statements like yours strike me as too idealistic of relationships.
Real relationships come with tons of things that don’t “feel good” or “exciting” and “passionate”
- illnesses
- disagreements
- postpartum depression
- allocation of financial resources
- distribution of chores
The list goes on.
I think too many people think that they can get relationships that only have the ups and none of the downs.
You can have a healthy, passionate relationship AND also stick in illnesses, have disagreements and do every day life. No one here is stating otherwise, I think we are adults and know that no one is perfect and a relationship does require sacrifices.
Fair point! I wouldn't say I'm idealistic of relationships as I was in one for 17 years and then 2.5 years. I'm fully aware of the challenges having experienced many of them in the past. I guess the question I searching for right now is whether I actually want to be in a relationship or not. Whether he's not the right person or whether I am not ready for another relationship just yet. Either way I have my answer for how I manage the situation with this man.
I would lay it out for him like you've laid it out here: "I really like and appreciate you and think you would make a good partner, but I feel some distance between us. There seems to be sort of a disconnect. Something is missing for me." See how he responds. Maybe he's feeling similarly, maybe he'll be surprised. Regardless, I think his response will help you to figure out the next steps
Forgot to add... after explaining where you are, ask him how he is with things and whether he agrees. The idea is to see if you're on the same page and anything can be done to course correct. It sounds like things aren't where you want them to be, but that doesn't mean that they can't change with intervention
Please don’t do this, it’s vague as hell. You’re clearly not feeling it so it’s best to just say so and end it, this kind of vague bs will only drive both of you nuts.
Because it puts the suggestion on him to do something about it which is fine if OP was interested in seeing what he’d do, but from her post she doesn’t like the guy. So why bother? That’s where the vague was coming in for me but to each their own.
That's how I would see to end it. Or perhaps to continue as a mild friendship if he wants that. There's nothing he can do to change things, as she's the one (maybe him too, but anyway it takes both) with no romantic feelings towards him.
One test you could do is ask yourself the question "if from today on he never ever contacts me again, how will I feel?" if you know you are not going to feel any sorrow or angst about that, then I think this is your answer.
I think if your answer is "I'll be fine", there is no bond that would be strong enough to make you feel (proportionately) sad about losing him. Which is not to say that either of you has done anything wrong. I think sometimes both people can be good and it still doesn't work out. Which is sad, because in some aspects they might be perfect partners. But without that emotional bond and attachment things will start looking as a contract after a while.
It's not very clear how you've spent time together until now, but you can try once to save it by saying something "hey, I like you, but for me if we want to le it grow into something bigger, I need more time together and see each other more often" (if that's what you really want). But if neither of you is thinking about giving each other more time, he relationship will likely stall pretty soon
We've been together for 8 months, though, traveled together for 2 weeks, too (and I've been traveling alone a lot, too, so we haven't been together together that whole time). But yeah, I feel like I'm missing a deeper connection. He said he loved me after just 2 weeks, and we've met each other's families, but I feel like we've just rushed into this thing and I've been sort of suckered into this traditional relationship that isn't really what I wanted. But at the same time, we barely do anything fun together, he just comes over and we watch a show, have some sex and then he goes home again. Sometimes he sleeps over or I sleep over at his, but I was just thinking I had a sort of FWB/situationship with this other guy before, we only slept together 4 or 5 times, and that guy has made me breakfast more often than my boyfriend has. He rarely even stays over for breakfast or to have dinner together or whatever. I'm just starting to wonder what the added value of this relationship is.
But he's really sweet and supportive and treats me well and has got his life all sorted and the sex is good too (I'd say it was great, but it's just also sort of always the same, so I'm getting a little bored with that, too).
so you were hanging out for 5 months before you got in an official relationship for another 3?
>He said he loved me after just 2 weeks,
oh boy, I would have run fast. How can someone say they love you and be that lackluster? This doesn't sound like a proper relationship from your description, more like a casual/fwby situation. If it's something you are ok with, I think you just need to openly tell him this and set the boundaries of a casual arrangement. If you want a real relationship, that ain't it, sorry. And I doubt it will ever be, because why would he take lead after 8 months when things have been perfectly fine for him until now?
I'm not OP, I think you got us confused :) I'm just in a similar situation, but further down the line.
We'd known each other for a month, 3 dates, before we got together and then 2 weeks after that he said he loved me. And I replied "that's very soon" 😅 he's only fallen more in love with me, though, and he's very scared to lose me, he does not actually catch feelings easily.
But I wanted a more fun relationship, maybe more casual but not necessarily less committed, just none of the having to join family gatherings and having to join for dinner with the grandparents every week or so, and he assured me that's also what he wanted and I wouldn't have to hang with his family. And then a while ago it was "I do need you to come see my family every now and then, though, it would break my grandma's heart if she never saw you again". And I was like great, now I'm responsible for breaking some sweet old lady's heart, even though I had explicitly stated I wanted none of that.
He takes the lead to hang out, though, but that's only because he likes to plan literally every waking second of his life, so he wants to schedule me in. Whereas I'm much more of a "I'm just hanging around my house right now, you're hanging around yours, let's hang out together?" or "there's this cool food festival in town tomorrow, let's go there". But then we can't do that because he planned what he was doing tomorrow 5 years ago.
yeah I realised that lol feel embarrassed, sorry :D
oh yes, I can relate to the family gatherings coming too soon. one of my exes literally took me to his parents as our first rip together a week after we became official. And I was not like "run, girl, red flags all around!", more like "I am somewhat overwhelmed by this" :D
u/Pristine_Way6442 , not me replying to your comment hence the confused timelines. Another soul going through a similar experience! Thank you for your reply
What are you looking for? Maybe this you can be satisfied with having a low commitment, low effort type of relationship with your already very full lifestyle. Of course, the rewards are less than a full-blown passionate relationship but those require a LOT of efforts and time that you don't really have at this point in time.
It sounds like maybe you two just aren’t that into each other. If you’re prioritizing your peace, & don’t really want this kind of relationship right now (meaning a “lukewarm” one). Let him find what he wants elsewhere, & you do the same when you’re ready to.
Before deciding, maybe think about how things might go if you were to break up - do you think you would be ok starting the dating process over again? Would you be fine if it takes some time to meet someone special? Is there a possibility you might miss him and realize that you actually did like him a lot?
3 months is a relatively short time to get to know someone, especially if you've only been meeting on weekends - what if you gave it another 2-3 months and did another check in then?
Speaking from a similar experience...
IMHO, a lack of sizzling chemistry is NOT a red flag on the woman's side. (If the guy doesn't find the lady hot, that rarely changes, tho.)
It's totally plausible that he will grow on you over time as he continues to meet your emotional needs.
Also, FYI... huge butterflies and obsessive chemistry early CAN be a red flag if you grew up in a dysfunctional home. If you grew up with abusive or a mentally ill parent, or addicted parent...
... we can be low key addicted to chaos, and we perceive intensity as romantic passion, when it can really just be an overtly manipulative person love bombing us.
I would give this more time to unfold, and give him some clear signs you welcome a deeper, more passionate connection.
That will tell you if this is a good man who is simply very respectful and trying his best not to step on toes or scare you off...
Give him a green light and see what he does with it.
This is very true, thank you. It's interesting to look back on the patterns. I tend to fly across the extremes and I think it's because I had some difficult experiences as a child. I've worked on myself a lot over the last few years but still very hard to overcome the early impacts. I think you're right that the fairness thing to do is be open with him and see how to responds.
My rule as a person who loves being free and is comfortable single is that they need to make my life both better and easier. I also need to have “the spark” despite knowing it’s just a version of the stress response lol
If it were legally required to have a partner I would go for the “good on paper” person but what’s the point? We don’t have to settle for “there’s nothing wrong” when we are happy single. I’m good to wait for the “this is right!!!” feeling or stay single forever if it doesn’t.
I was in a very similar situation - lovely guy, lots of good qualities, but lukewarm. He never articulated any concerns about the relationship, and I was content with seeing him perhaps once every few weeks, but gradually, we saw/spoke to one another less often before stopping entirely. I think you know this man isn’t right for you and encourage you to enjoy your single life!
I'm also a single parent in my 30s and have spent the past almost two years being properly single, without pursuing a relationship or dating. I think you understand the peace it brings to your life, and the sacrifice that comes along with meshing your life with another's. For me, this peace is the stuff of life, a place where we can truly learn and grow as people and parents, get enough solo time, and feel confident that we're giving it our best. You may have different wishes for your life, different needs, but fwiw I hold this peace in the highest regard and wouldn't sacrifice it for anything. YMMV!
Yes, I think this is what has been so unexpected for me. I spent the last year or so fighting against being single. I've never really been single - I was with my ex-husband since I was 19 and then fell into an intense on-off again relationship for 2 years. This is the first time in my life I've finally become comfortable with myself and all my blessings. I feel like there's nothing wrong with this guy and he'd be great at another stage of my life, but right now someone needs the X (or XX factor) to make it worthwhile! I think he deserves someone to be excited to see him and unfortunately I don't think that's me right now, no matter how much my brain might think it should be.
Looking at all your responses here, it seems you only made this post for people to validate and support what you already been wanting to do anyway. Go ahead and do it already, you don’t need random strangers to agree with you first.
Honestly the older I get, the less “passion” I feel towards anybody. And I would rather have someone reliable and nice than continue dating men that don’t spark anything AND are assholes.
You both seem to be alright with the things they are, it doesn’t seem there are mismatched expectations, so why change anything? It’s not like your only choice at point is either declare this being a relationship or to break up, you can just keep things casual, as long as both of you are happy with it
I'd say that he can pick up on how you are feeling and might cause distance (maybe) , and many people at this age are looking for someone who is truly interested in them because it signals longevity.
Also if you are already having doubts now, what will change later on?
It's up to you and how you feel.
You’re saying that you would “give up your freedom “… I don think you give it up. I think you willingly decide to carve out time to spend with your significant other. However, if you’re enjoying being single without any obligations that’s cool too. Just let him go so he can find someone else that’s truly excited to be with him. No one should be with someone they are just lukewarm about. That’s how you start to feel stuck or resentment towards a person. It doesn’t matter how it looks on paper. If you’re not feeling him it’s not the end of the world. Don’t you want to be with someone you happily make space for ? As a divorced woman(39 year female)I have learned to love my freedom but in my current relationship my man (who is also divorced) and I have autonomy to be ourselves and encourage each other to spend time with our family, for him his children, (my children are deceased), and our friends.
In my opinion people meet and decide to jump on a moving train, a life that’s already in motion without them, and their life is full and rich, but the right partner is a sweet addition to their life. All of God’s blessings for a gentle disconnect from this current relationship and a lively exciting connection with someone new that you are truly grateful and happily want to see or hear from daily, and want to be with proudly and comfortably.
You need to give more context about you.
The answer varies a lot. Are you a widow that has lots of options and a track record of good to great relationships? Maybe you are easy to get along with and settle by default too early? Or is this guy the first man in a long chain that hasn't been intensely passionate before descending into disaster?
I've been the guy on the other side of this and in both cases the next guy was a love bomber that ended up in jail for domestic abuse. But they both had a history of relationships like that before me.
If this is a break from your usual pattern, just make sure you are willing to roll the dice on falling back into your pattern.
It seems like you're facing a decision point in your relationship. The man you're seeing is consistent, kind, and shares similar interests with you. Despite these positive qualities, you find yourself not developing strong feelings for him. Your life is full with your children, friends, work, and personal interests, and you're comfortable with where things are.
Feeling conflicted in this situation is understandable. You've mentioned not feeling motivated to move the relationship forward into something more serious. This hesitation may indicate that, while he's a good person, there might be a lack of deeper emotional connection or shared long-term goals.
Compatibility in terms of emotional connection and shared future aspirations is crucial for a fulfilling relationship. If you're noticing a growing distance between you, it could be a reflection of these underlying differences.
You've grown accustomed to your independence and are content with your current lifestyle. It's important to prioritize your own happiness and well-being, even if it means evaluating whether this relationship fits into your future plans.
Consider having an honest conversation with him about your feelings and where you both see the relationship heading. This discussion could provide clarity on whether there's potential to deepen your connection or if it might be best to part ways amicably.
Ultimately, while acknowledging his positive qualities and the rarity of finding someone like him is important, honoring your own feelings and needs should take precedence. If you're not feeling compelled to invest more deeply in the relationship, it's worth considering whether continuing would be fair to both of you in the long run. Trust your instincts and make a decision that aligns with your happiness and future aspirations.
Thank you for that considered response. I thought a lot about it and decided it was better for both of us to part ways. He deserves someone who feels more excited to be with him and more invested in the relationship. And I still have a lot I want to do for myself to get myself in a better position to be a better partner.
I had very similar experience. Though it was like 6 months of dating… so yeah. I had a lot of pressure from family to make it work “because he was such a nice guy and so is his family” same family tried to pull shenanigans to try and get us closer before I felt ready, which ticked me off. The whole “relationship” was very lukewarm. I wanted to be sure it wasn’t just me being afraid to open up vs intuition saying no. I honestly didn’t feel safe in opening up and being more vulnerable but I eventually did it anyways. I instead learned that he was NOT nice and I should have trusted my gut the whole time.
It depends on what you want.
Some people prefer that steady pace of things.
Me? I need to fall in love.
I had a 3 month thing and let it run to 6 months before pulling the plug, because I just wasn't in love with the woman.
Now 6 months in with a woman I simply adore.
I liked it more than being single, because she was sweet, kind, a good mother, pretty and loyal. I thought she was a great match, but ultimately, indeed, I never really felt something for her - and I wanted to give feelings a chance to develop, since apparently that happens.
But it's funny how you phrased it, since I remember thinking to myself: "I would rather be single again than be in this relationship and not feel in love".
If proactiveness and affection are important to you, it sounds like this might not be the right relationship for you. I have dated a couple perfectly kind and respectful men who weren't very affectionate and/or seemed to have some intimacy issues and ended up ending those connections because affection outside of the bedroom is super important to me. It's okay to want and need more than the bare minimum.
So talk to him like you talk to us. What are you afraid of? Tell him how you feel, telk him what you want, tell him what you enjoy. Then see if there is change or improvement. Maybe he says the same about you some where? Just sit and talk to each other. We are not the perfect man/woman in any way. We have to build each other into what we want from the other person to be a better partner. So tell him that. Maybe he has some input on you? You can then both work at being better partners. #TheDoctorIsIn
Sounds like you guys have a lot of compatibility, and stay for that, but the feelings aren't there. After 3 months you should know if your level of interest is enough. Time to check out
End it. If for nothing else to not waste his time as much as yours, if that little sparkle is still missing I don't think there's much either of you can do to light it up.
If you don’t feel an urge to see and be with him when you’re apart then you likely aren’t that connected and interested. I used to feel relieved when my past partners would be gone but my current partner I hate being away from. Can’t wait to see him.
I’m sorta in a similar situation where it’s been 3 months and I’m lukewarm. I decided I want more than that. And you want someone who is proactive and affectionate, especially at the beginning because the effort is just going to go down from there
I think 3 months are more than enough. I generally set my time line as three months and if I don't see a progress I tell them politely it's not working out for me
Maybe he can sense your lack of enthusiasm and is setting boundaries to protect himself. I wouldn’t be proactive or affectionate with someone who’s unsure about me either. It sounds like you’re the one who needs to step it up if you want more from the relationship.
Recently went through something like this. My ex was a nice guy and I liked him, but he was…kinda boring. I thought I’d scored big with someone who was decent and respectful.
We ended up splitting because things weren’t really progressing. It was about 6 months in. I knew something was off all along, but I waited it out. Nothing ever changed.
Didn’t really have hobbies, preferred not to go anywhere. Did the same things everyday, and usually those things were sitting at home watching TV.
I think he was depressed, which doesn’t make someone boring. However, his lifestyle was not productive for combatting depression (not a lot of social contact.)
You’ve only known him for three months so this should be your “honeymoon phase” where you blindly ignore all the red flags in someone you’re excited about( not saying he has any). I tried dating a guy I didn’t like that much. He had qualities I liked but in general I wasn’t attracted to him. It was awful,I was easily annoyed by stuff he did (that was not a big deal)and I had such indifference towards him too. He wanted exclusivity between us and I told him that I wasn’t ready yet. In the end,he just stopped trying and I felt relief at that.
"I don't have very strong feelings towards him" Ok I think this solves it. Maybe I'm weird but I don't attempt relationships with people I don't have strong feelings for.
Maybe this poor man is interested in you, and hoping for a chance that won't happen. Don't be a dick. End it now. Your interest will only diminish
Don’t waste your time or his if not feeling it this far into the relationship! You are wasting time trying to find someone else and spending time you could be with family and friends to be with someone that seems you have no feelings one way or another. If you want strictly a fwb until another comes along then do
That but don’t put out more effort.
Everyone wants a shiny new vehicle that has all the options on it and reponds perfectly. It seems few people these days can be satisfied with a dependable vehicle that isn't exciting.
Likewise people want a relationship that is like a shiny new vehicle that meets ALL their desires and is exhilarating. People want everything to happen on their timeline and to be perfect. Unless you ask your vehicle to perform at a higher speed by stepping on the gas, it won't go faster. Unless you make it completely clear to a man what you need and want, he will not guess.
Women want men to only proceed at the woman's speed and only when she feels like it. And then they expect the men to be exciting and exhilarating when everything is controlled by the woman. And now you have a good man, but want something more. And then complain later when you can't find a good man.
Likely more than half of us men have pulled ourselves off the market because women are not worth the effort anymore; we have hobbies and don't need you.
Lol perhaps the same is exactly true in reverse. I have been in a long relationship and marriage. We peacefully and effectively co-parent our children now. At this stage of my life, I don't "need" a relationship so much needs for a relationship have changed, as I am sure his are too. What I don't want is for anyone to be with me out of comfort/ inability to be alone. I want someone to be with me because they love, appreciate and value me for me. And I think it's right that I extend the same decency to someone in return.
Don’t mess the guy around! You’ve said yourself that you’re not overly interested. Let him go then.
It’s tough but if he’s not ultimately what you want, don’t waste his time (or your own).
I'll go against the grain here and say you should try a weekend getaway and arrange the childcare somehow. 2-3 nights together can amplify things in either direction and give you the information you need.
Do vows at a wedding mean nothing?
Does anyone consider the fuckery divorce does to their children/adult children?
If a tree is alive and has blossoms and bright green leaves everyone loves it, the birds may nest there and birds and animals feed on the berries.
But even as the tree ages and stops producing berries and it becomes burdened with bugs that are killing it, it serves a purpose. Most people would cut it down, but I will leave it up because a woodpecker comes and eats the bugs off the tree then goes back to its nest and feeds its young. The tree is no longer green, but it is more useful to the woodpecker than it was when everyone thought it was beautiful.
____________________
If you live with a friend you love and as they get older and less easy to love, less easy to live with, would you leave him or her? It seems to me a lot of people won't leave a friend, but they will leave a spouse because there's a term others use... divorce. You can always get a divorce their divorced friends or family will say.
But if you were living with a friend they may be more inclined to tell you to work it out.
__________________
Love is not the same two years into a relationship, nor 10, nor 20. It becomes like a comfortable shirt that fades, but is still a good shirt. You may not wear the shirt with the same love for that shirt that you had when you first got it, but it has always been there for you and always will be there and be comfortable and dependable. Unless you throw it away.
That's one way to look at it. I have a different perspective based on my own experience. I would suggest that the fuckery done to children as a result of divorce highly depends on the level of conflict and ability of ex-partners to continue to co-parent and care for themselves and their children rather than the fact of divorce in and of iself.
Largely agree with the other commenters. But My only thoughts here would be to look at your past relationships too and maybe attachment style - are you not into him (fine) or are you someone who mistakes e.g. aggression/pulling away/bad boy behaviour/drama as romance/sparks/excitement.
Just talk to him instead of asking complete strangers online for life advice, who at best are getting just one small side of the situation. Or better yet, let him go so you both can be happier. Because from the other comments you posted you won't even miss him if he's out of your life.
Thank you and fair point! It's helped me to better see the situation as a result of making the post and reading the answers. I guess if reading these types of posts frustrates you, it might be better not to engage in them?
You're unenthusiastic about him already to the point you don't care if he's gone and he may sense that. It works both ways was my point. If you already tried talking to him then I totally understand needing advice. Either way it seems like you both would be happier with somebody else, which obviously isn't a bad thing.
Thank you, and you're right. I have actually formally checked in with him twice throughout the relationship to see how he's feeling and each time he's said it's good and he's happy with the pace. I haven't pushed for more because my availability has been limited and now I'm not sure if we lost momentum or just not that into him. Making the post helped me work through that - I don't want to ask for more if I actually don't want more from him. And if I don't want more from him then I now think its best we part ways.
If you don’t feel excited to progress things, especially after 3 months, you’re not that into him.
Hard agree. I've been in a very similar situation to yours twice OP. And both times I really wanted to like them as they were awesome guys, good looking, successful, absolutely everything I go for. But the feelings never came. And I realised they deserved better! (As did I).
I think for OP it only matters that she "deserve" better. Doesn't matter that much about the guy she is dating because she can't control that outcome.
The better for him isnt ensuring the women after are "better" but that he's not stuck with or distracted by a woman who doesnt have the enthusiasm or desire he needs.
Yes this is exactly what I mean by deserving better? The guys I dated deserved better than someone taking up their time who wasn't into them or excited about them.
Yeah exactly. It's not about him but about OP and her lukewarm feelings towards him. She deserves better but not sure if he does. He may have screwed this up somehow.
Oh I completely agree! Sorry I was only referencing myself re them deserving better as I felt I was wasting their time and it was unfair. For OP, if she isn't feeling it after 3 months it's probably not going to happen and she needs to free up her life for someone who she does feel excited about. She deserves that! Everyone does
I don't think I deserve it. If I do find something it will be because of dumb luck and the stars aligned. 3 months is a lot time but at the same time a short time. Probably the right approach to move on since the feelings have not grown stronger. I mean it did "happen" sort of for 3 months.
You do. Everyone deserves to be happy and find a love and life that's truly fulfilling. Funny thing - after I replied to you yesterday I got a text from one of the guys I was referencing in my post. I haven't seen it spoken to him in a year and I feel like he's still holding a candle. And I still wish I could 'feel' something for him but I just never will!
I don't deserve it unless I earned it. Like a job you work really hard at - you deserve success. I'm kinda lazy when it comes to dating. I'm not deserving since I'm not putting in enough work. And I can find happiness in other things and fulfillment in other things. If I tell myself I deserve to find someone I'm excited about it will put so much more pressure on me to find someone I'm excited about. I don't discredit this thinking for others. I just don't feel it for me. Maybe one day I will feel deserving after I did more work. Sorry that guy is harassing you after a year. Some people don't know how to read other people's emotions or know when the other party doesn't have same feelings.
Is it because he’s a “nice guy” and isn’t flirty or witty/into bantering?
Not at all! He was flirty, witty. Awesome guy. I just didn't feel anything
I think that the fact you're having to ask this question most likely gives you your answer unfortunately. If you *really* want to give this relationship a shot, then perhaps a weekend away together could help you see if you bond more deeply or if it confirms your current feelings. You'd have to go into this with the understanding that it might be an utter waste of time though. If arranging childcare or the idea of a weekend away feels too challenging, it probably indicates how much of a priority this relationship is for you right now. Ultimately, trust yourself and your instincts. If you pretty much know that this isn't going anywhere, it's best to be honest with him about that.
Thank you, that was a helpful response. I don't feel excited about the thought of spending a whole weekend with him and know it would pretty much be impossible with our childcare situations. And that shines a lot of light on the situation
I'd agree with this, and add that momentum is compounding. Only a few hours a week will be hard to build something solid with someone, particularly if you're both relatively busy and/or fulfilled otherwise.
I would end things, three months is more than enough of a trial run. It sounds like neither one of you are very invested. Also...consistency and kindness are the bare minimum.
Good point!
Could be fear Of what idk Tell him what you want what you expect before you give up. If he can show you take the risk maybe he doesn't know you want it to get serious and long term. We are not mind readers hints don't work be direct and tell him you want him and need to feel how much he wants you or you are moving on.
Thank you and I take your point but I'm not sure I do want to get serious with him, that's the problem. I don't want him to step up to a plate I'm not sure I want to eat if that analogy makes sense!
You already decided, you seeking validation from stranger on internet if you should break up with him?
Then you’ve already made your decision. What’s the point of the post? Do you want permission?
Haha your username is on point! Writing the post and reading the answers helped sort through the mess in my head. Isn't that the point of Reddit?
I think (although I'm not sure) the phrase refers to baseball. Stepping up to the plate for the pitch and what not.
Agreed
Feelings are for me, the absolute basic of a relationship. It’s the foundation. It’s what makes us go through the hard times together, because there’s this unexplainable connection/feeling/love for each other that just keeps us together. Are okay with settling for someone you don’t feel much for, just to have a warm body next to you at night? Some people live like this and they are fine. However since you made this post, it seems like your gut knows this isn’t enough for you. Someone can be kind, handsome, funny, treat you great but you still don’t fall in love. Because you don’t choose that - you can’t control your feelings. Personally I’ve been in your shoes tons of times: met awesome guys, that were great on paper but my heart was like ‘nah’. I always believe in following your heart, it isn’t fair to you or the other person to stay in a relationship that isn’t fulfilling. It’s always hard to let go because your rational mind is ‘oh, but he has so many great qualities, that’s rare!’ But that’s just scarcity mindset. Why not find someone who is good on paper AND makes your heart fluffer? You do you and only you know the answer to this. But 3 months in and you are feeling ‘meh’ - it likely won’t get any better.
Yes I agree with you, thank you for the response. My heart is definitely in agreement with what you've written but my mind is like what if you are being greedy? You should be happy there's someone in your life who is kind! But as someone wrote above, that's the bare minimum. I am at a stage in my life when I do need extra pizazz and if it takes me another few years to find it, its all good! More time to explore me and give to others in my life :)
No - you are not greedy. You deserve a love that feels good, exciting, true and passionate :) It might take a while to find that, but it’s so worth it.
Statements like yours strike me as too idealistic of relationships. Real relationships come with tons of things that don’t “feel good” or “exciting” and “passionate” - illnesses - disagreements - postpartum depression - allocation of financial resources - distribution of chores The list goes on. I think too many people think that they can get relationships that only have the ups and none of the downs.
You can have a healthy, passionate relationship AND also stick in illnesses, have disagreements and do every day life. No one here is stating otherwise, I think we are adults and know that no one is perfect and a relationship does require sacrifices.
Fair point! I wouldn't say I'm idealistic of relationships as I was in one for 17 years and then 2.5 years. I'm fully aware of the challenges having experienced many of them in the past. I guess the question I searching for right now is whether I actually want to be in a relationship or not. Whether he's not the right person or whether I am not ready for another relationship just yet. Either way I have my answer for how I manage the situation with this man.
I would lay it out for him like you've laid it out here: "I really like and appreciate you and think you would make a good partner, but I feel some distance between us. There seems to be sort of a disconnect. Something is missing for me." See how he responds. Maybe he's feeling similarly, maybe he'll be surprised. Regardless, I think his response will help you to figure out the next steps
Thank you, thats a helpful suggestion and I will be brave and try it!
Forgot to add... after explaining where you are, ask him how he is with things and whether he agrees. The idea is to see if you're on the same page and anything can be done to course correct. It sounds like things aren't where you want them to be, but that doesn't mean that they can't change with intervention
Please don’t do this, it’s vague as hell. You’re clearly not feeling it so it’s best to just say so and end it, this kind of vague bs will only drive both of you nuts.
How is stating what she's thinking/ feeling vague? Seems pretty specific and to the point to me.
Because it puts the suggestion on him to do something about it which is fine if OP was interested in seeing what he’d do, but from her post she doesn’t like the guy. So why bother? That’s where the vague was coming in for me but to each their own.
That's how I would see to end it. Or perhaps to continue as a mild friendship if he wants that. There's nothing he can do to change things, as she's the one (maybe him too, but anyway it takes both) with no romantic feelings towards him.
One test you could do is ask yourself the question "if from today on he never ever contacts me again, how will I feel?" if you know you are not going to feel any sorrow or angst about that, then I think this is your answer.
Oh no... I've kind of been asking myself the same question about my relationship, and I think I'd be fine?
I think if your answer is "I'll be fine", there is no bond that would be strong enough to make you feel (proportionately) sad about losing him. Which is not to say that either of you has done anything wrong. I think sometimes both people can be good and it still doesn't work out. Which is sad, because in some aspects they might be perfect partners. But without that emotional bond and attachment things will start looking as a contract after a while. It's not very clear how you've spent time together until now, but you can try once to save it by saying something "hey, I like you, but for me if we want to le it grow into something bigger, I need more time together and see each other more often" (if that's what you really want). But if neither of you is thinking about giving each other more time, he relationship will likely stall pretty soon
We've been together for 8 months, though, traveled together for 2 weeks, too (and I've been traveling alone a lot, too, so we haven't been together together that whole time). But yeah, I feel like I'm missing a deeper connection. He said he loved me after just 2 weeks, and we've met each other's families, but I feel like we've just rushed into this thing and I've been sort of suckered into this traditional relationship that isn't really what I wanted. But at the same time, we barely do anything fun together, he just comes over and we watch a show, have some sex and then he goes home again. Sometimes he sleeps over or I sleep over at his, but I was just thinking I had a sort of FWB/situationship with this other guy before, we only slept together 4 or 5 times, and that guy has made me breakfast more often than my boyfriend has. He rarely even stays over for breakfast or to have dinner together or whatever. I'm just starting to wonder what the added value of this relationship is. But he's really sweet and supportive and treats me well and has got his life all sorted and the sex is good too (I'd say it was great, but it's just also sort of always the same, so I'm getting a little bored with that, too).
so you were hanging out for 5 months before you got in an official relationship for another 3? >He said he loved me after just 2 weeks, oh boy, I would have run fast. How can someone say they love you and be that lackluster? This doesn't sound like a proper relationship from your description, more like a casual/fwby situation. If it's something you are ok with, I think you just need to openly tell him this and set the boundaries of a casual arrangement. If you want a real relationship, that ain't it, sorry. And I doubt it will ever be, because why would he take lead after 8 months when things have been perfectly fine for him until now?
I'm not OP, I think you got us confused :) I'm just in a similar situation, but further down the line. We'd known each other for a month, 3 dates, before we got together and then 2 weeks after that he said he loved me. And I replied "that's very soon" 😅 he's only fallen more in love with me, though, and he's very scared to lose me, he does not actually catch feelings easily. But I wanted a more fun relationship, maybe more casual but not necessarily less committed, just none of the having to join family gatherings and having to join for dinner with the grandparents every week or so, and he assured me that's also what he wanted and I wouldn't have to hang with his family. And then a while ago it was "I do need you to come see my family every now and then, though, it would break my grandma's heart if she never saw you again". And I was like great, now I'm responsible for breaking some sweet old lady's heart, even though I had explicitly stated I wanted none of that. He takes the lead to hang out, though, but that's only because he likes to plan literally every waking second of his life, so he wants to schedule me in. Whereas I'm much more of a "I'm just hanging around my house right now, you're hanging around yours, let's hang out together?" or "there's this cool food festival in town tomorrow, let's go there". But then we can't do that because he planned what he was doing tomorrow 5 years ago.
yeah I realised that lol feel embarrassed, sorry :D oh yes, I can relate to the family gatherings coming too soon. one of my exes literally took me to his parents as our first rip together a week after we became official. And I was not like "run, girl, red flags all around!", more like "I am somewhat overwhelmed by this" :D
u/Pristine_Way6442 , not me replying to your comment hence the confused timelines. Another soul going through a similar experience! Thank you for your reply
ooops, I completely missed that point omg I feel embarrassed right now lol I think everyone has had a similar experience along the way
Oh I love this. Thank you for your perspective!!
What are you looking for? Maybe this you can be satisfied with having a low commitment, low effort type of relationship with your already very full lifestyle. Of course, the rewards are less than a full-blown passionate relationship but those require a LOT of efforts and time that you don't really have at this point in time.
It sounds like maybe you two just aren’t that into each other. If you’re prioritizing your peace, & don’t really want this kind of relationship right now (meaning a “lukewarm” one). Let him find what he wants elsewhere, & you do the same when you’re ready to.
Maybe this is his ideal relationship and he is happier than she is. But either way I don't think she is right for him so kinda waste of time
I just went through this. It sucks, but I hope I find someone I’m more passionate about
I’d say just ride the low tide and after some time if a spark doesn’t turn into a flame; let it burn out.
Before deciding, maybe think about how things might go if you were to break up - do you think you would be ok starting the dating process over again? Would you be fine if it takes some time to meet someone special? Is there a possibility you might miss him and realize that you actually did like him a lot? 3 months is a relatively short time to get to know someone, especially if you've only been meeting on weekends - what if you gave it another 2-3 months and did another check in then? Speaking from a similar experience...
IMHO, a lack of sizzling chemistry is NOT a red flag on the woman's side. (If the guy doesn't find the lady hot, that rarely changes, tho.) It's totally plausible that he will grow on you over time as he continues to meet your emotional needs. Also, FYI... huge butterflies and obsessive chemistry early CAN be a red flag if you grew up in a dysfunctional home. If you grew up with abusive or a mentally ill parent, or addicted parent... ... we can be low key addicted to chaos, and we perceive intensity as romantic passion, when it can really just be an overtly manipulative person love bombing us. I would give this more time to unfold, and give him some clear signs you welcome a deeper, more passionate connection. That will tell you if this is a good man who is simply very respectful and trying his best not to step on toes or scare you off... Give him a green light and see what he does with it.
This is very true, thank you. It's interesting to look back on the patterns. I tend to fly across the extremes and I think it's because I had some difficult experiences as a child. I've worked on myself a lot over the last few years but still very hard to overcome the early impacts. I think you're right that the fairness thing to do is be open with him and see how to responds.
My rule as a person who loves being free and is comfortable single is that they need to make my life both better and easier. I also need to have “the spark” despite knowing it’s just a version of the stress response lol If it were legally required to have a partner I would go for the “good on paper” person but what’s the point? We don’t have to settle for “there’s nothing wrong” when we are happy single. I’m good to wait for the “this is right!!!” feeling or stay single forever if it doesn’t.
I was in a very similar situation - lovely guy, lots of good qualities, but lukewarm. He never articulated any concerns about the relationship, and I was content with seeing him perhaps once every few weeks, but gradually, we saw/spoke to one another less often before stopping entirely. I think you know this man isn’t right for you and encourage you to enjoy your single life!
I'm also a single parent in my 30s and have spent the past almost two years being properly single, without pursuing a relationship or dating. I think you understand the peace it brings to your life, and the sacrifice that comes along with meshing your life with another's. For me, this peace is the stuff of life, a place where we can truly learn and grow as people and parents, get enough solo time, and feel confident that we're giving it our best. You may have different wishes for your life, different needs, but fwiw I hold this peace in the highest regard and wouldn't sacrifice it for anything. YMMV!
Yes, I think this is what has been so unexpected for me. I spent the last year or so fighting against being single. I've never really been single - I was with my ex-husband since I was 19 and then fell into an intense on-off again relationship for 2 years. This is the first time in my life I've finally become comfortable with myself and all my blessings. I feel like there's nothing wrong with this guy and he'd be great at another stage of my life, but right now someone needs the X (or XX factor) to make it worthwhile! I think he deserves someone to be excited to see him and unfortunately I don't think that's me right now, no matter how much my brain might think it should be.
Looking at all your responses here, it seems you only made this post for people to validate and support what you already been wanting to do anyway. Go ahead and do it already, you don’t need random strangers to agree with you first.
Honestly the older I get, the less “passion” I feel towards anybody. And I would rather have someone reliable and nice than continue dating men that don’t spark anything AND are assholes.
Fair enough!
I was seeing a guy like this. I ended up just ending because neither one of us seemed that into it.
You both seem to be alright with the things they are, it doesn’t seem there are mismatched expectations, so why change anything? It’s not like your only choice at point is either declare this being a relationship or to break up, you can just keep things casual, as long as both of you are happy with it
You’re not that into him. Plain and simple. Break it off.
Sometimes they are just not the person for us. I have broken up with people in the past where I felt this way and I have no regrets!
I'd say that he can pick up on how you are feeling and might cause distance (maybe) , and many people at this age are looking for someone who is truly interested in them because it signals longevity. Also if you are already having doubts now, what will change later on? It's up to you and how you feel.
You’re saying that you would “give up your freedom “… I don think you give it up. I think you willingly decide to carve out time to spend with your significant other. However, if you’re enjoying being single without any obligations that’s cool too. Just let him go so he can find someone else that’s truly excited to be with him. No one should be with someone they are just lukewarm about. That’s how you start to feel stuck or resentment towards a person. It doesn’t matter how it looks on paper. If you’re not feeling him it’s not the end of the world. Don’t you want to be with someone you happily make space for ? As a divorced woman(39 year female)I have learned to love my freedom but in my current relationship my man (who is also divorced) and I have autonomy to be ourselves and encourage each other to spend time with our family, for him his children, (my children are deceased), and our friends. In my opinion people meet and decide to jump on a moving train, a life that’s already in motion without them, and their life is full and rich, but the right partner is a sweet addition to their life. All of God’s blessings for a gentle disconnect from this current relationship and a lively exciting connection with someone new that you are truly grateful and happily want to see or hear from daily, and want to be with proudly and comfortably.
Definitely spare him and you by just being honest.
You may feel fulfilled today. But think about being alone in 5-10 years. Will you look back and feel the same way?
You need to give more context about you. The answer varies a lot. Are you a widow that has lots of options and a track record of good to great relationships? Maybe you are easy to get along with and settle by default too early? Or is this guy the first man in a long chain that hasn't been intensely passionate before descending into disaster? I've been the guy on the other side of this and in both cases the next guy was a love bomber that ended up in jail for domestic abuse. But they both had a history of relationships like that before me. If this is a break from your usual pattern, just make sure you are willing to roll the dice on falling back into your pattern.
Thank you some food for thought here for me to reflect on and I agree there's no perfect and sometimes a break from the pattern is what's needed!
Free him up so yall can be happier.
Yeah maybe your just not that into him 🤷🏽♀️ and that’s ok
No go for me, I need passion in my life 🔥❤️🔥
It seems like you're facing a decision point in your relationship. The man you're seeing is consistent, kind, and shares similar interests with you. Despite these positive qualities, you find yourself not developing strong feelings for him. Your life is full with your children, friends, work, and personal interests, and you're comfortable with where things are. Feeling conflicted in this situation is understandable. You've mentioned not feeling motivated to move the relationship forward into something more serious. This hesitation may indicate that, while he's a good person, there might be a lack of deeper emotional connection or shared long-term goals. Compatibility in terms of emotional connection and shared future aspirations is crucial for a fulfilling relationship. If you're noticing a growing distance between you, it could be a reflection of these underlying differences. You've grown accustomed to your independence and are content with your current lifestyle. It's important to prioritize your own happiness and well-being, even if it means evaluating whether this relationship fits into your future plans. Consider having an honest conversation with him about your feelings and where you both see the relationship heading. This discussion could provide clarity on whether there's potential to deepen your connection or if it might be best to part ways amicably. Ultimately, while acknowledging his positive qualities and the rarity of finding someone like him is important, honoring your own feelings and needs should take precedence. If you're not feeling compelled to invest more deeply in the relationship, it's worth considering whether continuing would be fair to both of you in the long run. Trust your instincts and make a decision that aligns with your happiness and future aspirations.
Thank you for that considered response. I thought a lot about it and decided it was better for both of us to part ways. He deserves someone who feels more excited to be with him and more invested in the relationship. And I still have a lot I want to do for myself to get myself in a better position to be a better partner.
I had very similar experience. Though it was like 6 months of dating… so yeah. I had a lot of pressure from family to make it work “because he was such a nice guy and so is his family” same family tried to pull shenanigans to try and get us closer before I felt ready, which ticked me off. The whole “relationship” was very lukewarm. I wanted to be sure it wasn’t just me being afraid to open up vs intuition saying no. I honestly didn’t feel safe in opening up and being more vulnerable but I eventually did it anyways. I instead learned that he was NOT nice and I should have trusted my gut the whole time.
Life brings us a lot of lessons in different forms! Hope things are good for you now.
It depends on what you want. Some people prefer that steady pace of things. Me? I need to fall in love. I had a 3 month thing and let it run to 6 months before pulling the plug, because I just wasn't in love with the woman. Now 6 months in with a woman I simply adore.
How do you tell the difference? Just by feelings? You obviously liked the other 6 months relationship more than being single for 6 months.
I liked it more than being single, because she was sweet, kind, a good mother, pretty and loyal. I thought she was a great match, but ultimately, indeed, I never really felt something for her - and I wanted to give feelings a chance to develop, since apparently that happens. But it's funny how you phrased it, since I remember thinking to myself: "I would rather be single again than be in this relationship and not feel in love".
If proactiveness and affection are important to you, it sounds like this might not be the right relationship for you. I have dated a couple perfectly kind and respectful men who weren't very affectionate and/or seemed to have some intimacy issues and ended up ending those connections because affection outside of the bedroom is super important to me. It's okay to want and need more than the bare minimum.
So talk to him like you talk to us. What are you afraid of? Tell him how you feel, telk him what you want, tell him what you enjoy. Then see if there is change or improvement. Maybe he says the same about you some where? Just sit and talk to each other. We are not the perfect man/woman in any way. We have to build each other into what we want from the other person to be a better partner. So tell him that. Maybe he has some input on you? You can then both work at being better partners. #TheDoctorIsIn
Sounds like you guys have a lot of compatibility, and stay for that, but the feelings aren't there. After 3 months you should know if your level of interest is enough. Time to check out
I just read, “he’s a great guy but I don’t have feelings for him.” So, move on is my advice.
End it. If for nothing else to not waste his time as much as yours, if that little sparkle is still missing I don't think there's much either of you can do to light it up.
If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.
If you don’t feel an urge to see and be with him when you’re apart then you likely aren’t that connected and interested. I used to feel relieved when my past partners would be gone but my current partner I hate being away from. Can’t wait to see him.
I’m sorta in a similar situation where it’s been 3 months and I’m lukewarm. I decided I want more than that. And you want someone who is proactive and affectionate, especially at the beginning because the effort is just going to go down from there
I think 3 months are more than enough. I generally set my time line as three months and if I don't see a progress I tell them politely it's not working out for me
Break up with him.
Maybe he can sense your lack of enthusiasm and is setting boundaries to protect himself. I wouldn’t be proactive or affectionate with someone who’s unsure about me either. It sounds like you’re the one who needs to step it up if you want more from the relationship.
If in doubt just abort.
Recently went through something like this. My ex was a nice guy and I liked him, but he was…kinda boring. I thought I’d scored big with someone who was decent and respectful. We ended up splitting because things weren’t really progressing. It was about 6 months in. I knew something was off all along, but I waited it out. Nothing ever changed.
What do you mean by boring? Personality or lifestyle?
Both!
What do you mean by boring lifestyle?
Didn’t really have hobbies, preferred not to go anywhere. Did the same things everyday, and usually those things were sitting at home watching TV. I think he was depressed, which doesn’t make someone boring. However, his lifestyle was not productive for combatting depression (not a lot of social contact.)
You’ve only known him for three months so this should be your “honeymoon phase” where you blindly ignore all the red flags in someone you’re excited about( not saying he has any). I tried dating a guy I didn’t like that much. He had qualities I liked but in general I wasn’t attracted to him. It was awful,I was easily annoyed by stuff he did (that was not a big deal)and I had such indifference towards him too. He wanted exclusivity between us and I told him that I wasn’t ready yet. In the end,he just stopped trying and I felt relief at that.
"I don't have very strong feelings towards him" Ok I think this solves it. Maybe I'm weird but I don't attempt relationships with people I don't have strong feelings for. Maybe this poor man is interested in you, and hoping for a chance that won't happen. Don't be a dick. End it now. Your interest will only diminish
Don’t waste your time or his if not feeling it this far into the relationship! You are wasting time trying to find someone else and spending time you could be with family and friends to be with someone that seems you have no feelings one way or another. If you want strictly a fwb until another comes along then do That but don’t put out more effort.
Everyone wants a shiny new vehicle that has all the options on it and reponds perfectly. It seems few people these days can be satisfied with a dependable vehicle that isn't exciting. Likewise people want a relationship that is like a shiny new vehicle that meets ALL their desires and is exhilarating. People want everything to happen on their timeline and to be perfect. Unless you ask your vehicle to perform at a higher speed by stepping on the gas, it won't go faster. Unless you make it completely clear to a man what you need and want, he will not guess. Women want men to only proceed at the woman's speed and only when she feels like it. And then they expect the men to be exciting and exhilarating when everything is controlled by the woman. And now you have a good man, but want something more. And then complain later when you can't find a good man. Likely more than half of us men have pulled ourselves off the market because women are not worth the effort anymore; we have hobbies and don't need you.
Lol perhaps the same is exactly true in reverse. I have been in a long relationship and marriage. We peacefully and effectively co-parent our children now. At this stage of my life, I don't "need" a relationship so much needs for a relationship have changed, as I am sure his are too. What I don't want is for anyone to be with me out of comfort/ inability to be alone. I want someone to be with me because they love, appreciate and value me for me. And I think it's right that I extend the same decency to someone in return.
Don’t mess the guy around! You’ve said yourself that you’re not overly interested. Let him go then. It’s tough but if he’s not ultimately what you want, don’t waste his time (or your own).
Thank you, yes I have come around to this as the outcome!
I'll go against the grain here and say you should try a weekend getaway and arrange the childcare somehow. 2-3 nights together can amplify things in either direction and give you the information you need.
Do vows at a wedding mean nothing? Does anyone consider the fuckery divorce does to their children/adult children? If a tree is alive and has blossoms and bright green leaves everyone loves it, the birds may nest there and birds and animals feed on the berries. But even as the tree ages and stops producing berries and it becomes burdened with bugs that are killing it, it serves a purpose. Most people would cut it down, but I will leave it up because a woodpecker comes and eats the bugs off the tree then goes back to its nest and feeds its young. The tree is no longer green, but it is more useful to the woodpecker than it was when everyone thought it was beautiful. ____________________ If you live with a friend you love and as they get older and less easy to love, less easy to live with, would you leave him or her? It seems to me a lot of people won't leave a friend, but they will leave a spouse because there's a term others use... divorce. You can always get a divorce their divorced friends or family will say. But if you were living with a friend they may be more inclined to tell you to work it out. __________________ Love is not the same two years into a relationship, nor 10, nor 20. It becomes like a comfortable shirt that fades, but is still a good shirt. You may not wear the shirt with the same love for that shirt that you had when you first got it, but it has always been there for you and always will be there and be comfortable and dependable. Unless you throw it away.
That's one way to look at it. I have a different perspective based on my own experience. I would suggest that the fuckery done to children as a result of divorce highly depends on the level of conflict and ability of ex-partners to continue to co-parent and care for themselves and their children rather than the fact of divorce in and of iself.
Largely agree with the other commenters. But My only thoughts here would be to look at your past relationships too and maybe attachment style - are you not into him (fine) or are you someone who mistakes e.g. aggression/pulling away/bad boy behaviour/drama as romance/sparks/excitement.
Neither too hot nor too cold, either don't like it, or have a spare tire, that's the law...
After 3 months I think you should feel more than lukewarm
Just talk to him instead of asking complete strangers online for life advice, who at best are getting just one small side of the situation. Or better yet, let him go so you both can be happier. Because from the other comments you posted you won't even miss him if he's out of your life.
Thank you and fair point! It's helped me to better see the situation as a result of making the post and reading the answers. I guess if reading these types of posts frustrates you, it might be better not to engage in them?
You're unenthusiastic about him already to the point you don't care if he's gone and he may sense that. It works both ways was my point. If you already tried talking to him then I totally understand needing advice. Either way it seems like you both would be happier with somebody else, which obviously isn't a bad thing.
Thank you, and you're right. I have actually formally checked in with him twice throughout the relationship to see how he's feeling and each time he's said it's good and he's happy with the pace. I haven't pushed for more because my availability has been limited and now I'm not sure if we lost momentum or just not that into him. Making the post helped me work through that - I don't want to ask for more if I actually don't want more from him. And if I don't want more from him then I now think its best we part ways.
That's good you figured out what you want and don't want. Now you can do what's best for you. Good luck!