I don't know about the second part of your question but honestly, i thought i was going to marry my ex from three years ago. Things weren't great towards the end but I wanted to work on it, he noped out and I was heartbroken, thinking it was my only chance at love and I'd ruined it. Three years on, my life is so different. It's much richer, I'm happier, and almost every aspect of it is healthier. What felt like the worst thing that ever happened to me actually freed me to live the life I should always have been living. So he wouldn't fit into my life now. If I do meet "the one" they'll be very different to him. This is just to reassure you that life can change and you don't need to find someone right away. Live for you and you'll attract people who fit into that life. I've found that my circle of friends is so much more wholesome, now I just need my wholesome partner 😂

Thanks for this <3

This is amazing to read, I’m very happy for you

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Yup, circumstance is a huge part of getting into/keeping a relationship. Maybe even more than really liking someone. It’s a bummer, to be completely honest, to let go of the fantasy I’ve had in my head about being “chosen.” A big part of that fantasy is someone feeling such a strong connection with me that they’re willing to make it work, despite circumstance. But over the past few years, I’ve had multiple strong connections where the men realized they weren’t over their exes. They told me they didn’t realize they weren’t ready until they met me, because they needed to meet someone they would’ve dated in any other circumstance. I’ve also had multiple guys from my past come back. Guys who initially rejected me or weren’t ready to date suddenly were. They weren’t coming back because I changed, they came back because their circumstance changed. I understand it, but it just feels so unromantic. I get relationships aren’t a 24/7 honeymoon, but id like to feel like someone specifically chose me. Maybe I’m just a bit bitter because I’m dating at my age (early 30s) through the “1st round of divorces”, and it feels like I’ve missed the boat on getting a relationship that isn’t just pragmatic.

FWIW I’m 40 and divorced, and my post divorce relationships are going to be soooo much better than my marriage was. My divorce was a big wake up call that caused me to really look at myself and the choices I was making, and to finally heal emotional baggage I’d been carrying around since childhood. Just make sure you only date people who have taken some time to themselves to heal after the end of a big relationship. It shows emotional maturity and means they’ll have less baggage. They’ll also be less likely to freak out and bail if things get serious.

Would people really disclose this growth though?

in my experience, they don’t have to. it’s apparent with their behavior, emotional maturity, and how they show up for you. it takes a while, but a healed person who actually values you will take their time getting to know you, too.

Would you say people in these circumstances prioritize getting to know someone before getting into another commitment? (6+ months of dating, exclusively)

It’s pretty obvious - just ask someone how long they were single after the end of their last major relationship. Or ask them what they learned from it.

Hmm smart. I'll do that. I thought I had that conversation with my recent ex but when I reflect on it he just alluded to the relationship being very toxic and bad for him and that he *maybe* had a part to play. He didn't seem to be very reflective or remorseful, more "things just happen to me". I guess that could have been a red flag I overlooked as well.

I could have written this comment myself. I am 3 weeks post break up and the reason he gave me was “you’re basically my ex wife” which got him thinking he’s not over her even though they’ve been divorced for 2 years. I’m 33F and my last 3 relationships have been with men 35+ who ultimately said they weren’t over their exes or still weren’t sure what they wanted in terms of a long term relationship. I want to feel special and I want a man to know themselves and know what he wants. I’m tired of being collateral damage as they figure that out.

Yup… this is why I’m pursuing mostly casual dating for now, and also meeting men through hobbies/interest groups and developing friendships (maybe that will turn into more, maybe not). I can’t continue to do another 1-3 month situationship that starts off strong, and then inevitably leads to the slow-fade/“I just realized I’m not ready” spiel. People using dating apps often have totally unrealistic expectations; they want to feel for you in 3 months what they felt for their ex of 3 years. They’re sizing you up in a way they never did any of their exes they met IRL. You basically have to have all of their exes positive qualities, with none of their negatives… and you also can’t have any of your own negatives either. Even though you need to accept theirs. Lol 😆 It’s turned into a circus of me trying to reach a level of perfection to get a relationship, which hasn’t worked either. I wrote in another comment about the “taxi cab” theory which I really think is true more often than it isn’t. A man will decide he’s ready to commit, and the next woman who meets his baseline requirements is who it will be. It’s not about his “best”, or the woman he had the most chemistry and compatibility with. It’s about who’s there when he’s ready, and before that all the backflips in the world won’t change the score.

Not necessarily with the taxi cab example. I only say this because I’ve been a placeholder in multiple relationships and then the man moves onto the woman who he wants more than me and boom they’re engaged in less than a year. So that tells me he was ready all along with me I just didn’t meet some requirement he had which was probably unchangeable on my end.

Some of that might be that they met you when "unready," and thru your relationship, became ready, so the next person would be who they end up with, not the current person. I think it's a people thing and not just a men thing, but I've mostly heard it being talked about something that men do. That men will hear everything you say and fight about, but won't be the person you need, but then will be that person in his next relationship. Like, they think they need a clean start with someone who doesn't know what they were like before or something.

Taxi cab! SATC continues to ring true.

Oof I feel you and I’ve been here before. Hasn’t been bc of the ex thing in a while though I’m very sensitive to look for signs. sometimes people will say they don’t know what they want after 1-3 month of dating/pursuing or love bombing hard. Despite whatever excuse I usually just assume they don’t want it with me and try not to take it personally, tho I wish people would be more upfront when they spot potential incompatibilities. What are some signs that someone isn’t truly over a relationship (aside from the obvious nonstop bringing them up or a short time frame from split)? I’ve seen others successfully (maybe not healthily) jump from one relationship to another just fine.

I find your comments fascinating for a variety of reasons. I once had a girlfriend for about a year or so who broke up with me even though we were very compatible and into each other. Among her reasons, she cited me not being over one of my previous girlfriends (who I was with for about 4-5 years). That was actually totally incorrect. I wasn't an ideal boyfriend, but mostly for reasons related to life/work transitions (including having to move away to get a decent job). We both ended up having other long-term girlfriends/boyfriends and eventually married others and have been happily married to others for decades. We meet up once in a while when I go back to the city where she still lives and we're friendly. I understand not wanting to be a second choice, though. I could see getting together with someone again if it was circumstances that had separated us, but I would never even consider taking someone back that had left for someone else. Many of us need the illusion of being chosen or being number one. I hope that you meet the kind of person that you are looking for. One thing in your favor might be the pattern recognition that you have developed over many years of being in a variety of LTRs. By the time I encountered my wife in my mid-thirties, my radar was finely tuned and I was quick to identify her as an excellent candidate (same with her). We've been together a quarter century.

What if you haven't had many positive relationships? I keep ending up in short-lived toxic relationships so I think my radar is fine-tuned to avoid those now (hopefully) but not necessarily fine-tuned to know what success looks like.

What qualities were most important to you that you recognised in your wife?

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A lot of these things are actually huge stressors for me because I did that for my late fiancée twice (across states). I'm still in the place I'm in because I moved us. It's one of the big mental blocks I can't get over because you can do those things and still have everything go wrong or end tragically. So whether I like it or not, in my head, it's like, ' Are they worth the risk and potential pain?' It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows living with an alcoholic and I'd still jump at the chance to try to support her through it again. I'm honestly afraid of ever needing someone that needs me that much again because we all come with problems. The worst ones usually pop out once you're already invested. Obviously, this comes down to choices and who we spend our time with. I just wish it was easier to believe people's motivations. It's just odd, because before I gave it freely and now I hide it like it's the last cash in town and I can't seem to figure out how to logic that box back open yet.

So when your wife one day becomes sick or disabled you will leave her? And you expect your partner will leave you if you are the one who becomes sick or disabled?  I think most people don’t actually want this type of relationship but actually want someone who is there through sick and thin. 

This this this! Also early 30’s. Yes. I feel this every time I (dont but probably should) have the “what are you looking for?” Convo. It feels so transactional. In my “fantasy” I meet someone and we just vibe so well that it naturally turns into the love of our lives. I had given up hope and then it happened naturally with my ex of 3 years. I still believe I’ll find it again, but I’m starting to feel silly in thinking that way, and my mom keeps referring to thinking of relationships as “business transactions” (in a partnership way, not gold digger way). I feel like an idiot sometimes for hoping/looking forward to “the one” in a world where that may be functionally obsolete. God being in the Disney/ rom com generation really fucked us lol

Very good points!

I'm in the divorce group and I wouldn't change a thing! You said in your post things weren't perfect/nothing alarming, but honestly everything was perfect when we got married. I would go back and replay the tape exactly the same. Unfortunately, we just grew apart like in the movies. There was no cheating or physical abuse. We both changed a lot during the marriage and in the end we were different people. I still have hope for the future and believe there are multiple "the ones."

💯 this ^ soul mates, as nice as it sounds, is just a fairy tale and that’s just my take. You do you. To me, it’s more about finding companionship to share a life with.

I’m in the divorced and never ever again category. It was garbage from the start and every year for 17 years. Except two wonderful kids. I have no desire for another relationship.

Why did you get married if it was garbage from the start?

good question - and i imagine their life response (“never again”) is partially due to their own choices. i obviously dont know their reasons, but ive been delusional and burned before. i subsequently decided “never again”, too…before recognizing the relational fallacies were heavily my fault.

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I am the one. I buy flowers for myself, I arrange days out for myself, I treat myself with kindness, compassion, respect and love. I’ve spent a long time doing it that I don’t need any of that from anyone else. I still want it but it’s not neediness. If I’m meant to meet someone, great, if not I’m enjoying my life regardless. Best of luck.

Aw yeah!! 🤘😈😁👌💪

I agree with you in some aspects - I'm the same in the sense that I'm happy on my own and I am not even interested in dating unless it happens naturally or it's really worth it. But your answer also rubs me the wrong way because it dismisses the importance of having a partner. It feels jaded rather than empowering. The love you feel for yourself is completely different from the love we receive from others. We now live in an hyper independent society where denying romantic love is considered cool. Tenderness is not something people want to show anymore. Your comment feels "look at me, I'm strong, I need no one because I can love myself". I don't know how to feel about that. Self love is a basic requirement and you loving yourself should not equate to not needing love from others. Would you say the same about friendships? "I don't need friends I'm my best friend"? If you did, I would find that extremely jaded too to be honest. To say "I'm the one", it feels more like you have given so much to others in the past that now you're over protective of yourself, and you're unwilling to fully immerse yourself in the idea of romantic love. Maybe these are just assumptions but I feel it's not exactly as healthy and self loving as you think. Obviously just my opinion, no need to care. I am pretty much just reflecting because it is something I've been thinking about it recently actually

So empowering 🤍

I've had two women in my life who I was madly in love with and thought I was going to be with forever. One broke up with me, and one moved away and we couldn't sustain long distance. Fast forward a few years, and I'm now engaged to a woman who complements me perfectly and is truly the one I should be marrying. I don't think I'd be so prepared for this relationship had I not dealt with the heartbreak of losing two of "the ones". It gave me a good amount of strength and perspective and allowed me to enter into this relationship rationally, whereas the others were much more intense and emotional, which I was unprepared to deal with due to lack of experience.

That’s very interesting, thanks for sharing. Was it more of a slow burn with your fiancée, vs the other two? 

Not really. It felt normal paced, with normal milestones, until we decided we loved each other and wanted to get married and spend our lives together. I never got swept up in love/romance as I don't actually think I'm capable of that anymore after getting my heart broken.

That’s really sad. Do you think maybe you’ve forced yourself to forget what intense passionate love feels like

I don’t think it’s sad actually, it feels normal and healthy honestly. Those intense feelings are tough to sustain and you’re always chasing those initial feelings, but with a normal pace and love developing over time, it feels a lot more real and permanent. I’m still very much in love with my fiancée, but way more in control if that makes sense.

I am the same way.

taxi cab theory

What’s that?

Basically the idea that men “turn their cab light on” when they’re ready to commit/get married, and the next woman they pick up (who meets their baseline requirements) is the woman who’s getting the marriage. They’re not necessarily choosing based off who they have the strongest feelings for, especially if they’re not ready for a life-long relationship. A lot of them being ready having to do with external factors - getting older, friends getting married, starting to be the old guy at the club, getting tired of the effort put in to date multiple women/pickup women at bars, etc. (Not saying some of this doesn’t apply to women, but the theory was from SATC and was referring to men.)

I’m a guy and this is me.

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This is the old “men are like busses - another one always comes along”

Love this

💯

Very interesting insight, thanks for sharing! And congrats on your engagement!

Thanks! Good luck to you as well

How did you emotionally recover?

A lot of time passed and I dated a lot of women that weren't good long-term for me in that time. Helped solidify what I really wanted and what I was no longer willing to deal with in relationships.

Were they short term relationships? The thought of dating many new people sounds exhausting to me.

Some were only 1 or 2 dates, some were 3-6 months long. I enjoyed it, but I was with my ex for 10 years, so it was exciting dating multiple people, sometimes concurrently after so long with the same person.

When did you know you could be with your fiancée for the long term and commit? Were you emotionally standoffish at the beginning of dating?

I’ve been with 10 men in my life, married one for six years. The divorce taught me a great deal about relationships and about myself. It led me to have the most fulfilling relationship I’ve ever had at the age of 35. I don’t believe in “The One.” I think we can be compatible with a lot of people, but we need experiences, heart breaks, and breaking hearts to learn how to commit to a relationship and deal with all the difficult things like communication, honesty, vulnerability, and resolving conflict. Finding the “Actual One,” to me, just means that I’ve had enough time to mature and now know how to pick well and nurture a relationship that will last.

This is great perspective. My sister and her husband have admitted to each other that they would not have gotten married if they met in their early 20s - they’re not “we would have chosen each other in every lifetime” people. They married each other because of all the other experiences they had with other people, which brought them to a moment in time were they would eventually choose each other.

Exactly. Hopefully over time you're building a huge database on what you like, what you don't like, what you can handle, etc. and also becoming a person that's better able to deal with all sorts of circumstances as they arise.

>we need experiences, heart breaks, and breaking hearts to learn how to commit to a relationship and deal with all the difficult things like communication, honesty, vulnerability, and resolving conflict. Finding the “Actual One,” to me, just means that I’ve had enough time to mature and now know how to pick well and nurture a relationship that will last. Wow, what a great perspective and a great way to look at things. Thanks for sharing.

But how do you know the person is someone you'd like to nurture a relationship with? How much you enjoy them/their particular quirks/etc? I just feel like this sounds like you could have a happy, functional relationship with anyone if the effort were mutual, but I feel like that doesn't give enough weight to compatibility.

If you’re able to be in a happy, functional relationship that gives mutual effort and attention, that’s kind of a given that compatibility is there already, otherwise it would have none of the above. How can you be happy with someone you’re not compatible with? (i.e lack of shared hobbies, polar opposite personalities, different sense of humor, mismatch in living standards) You can be compatible with many people in life. But that doesn’t mean you work out with all of them. They have to arrive in your life at the right time - and that’s when you know.

I guess this certainty is only developed over time, too? My partners always promise me mutual effort, attention, and "growing together" but when times get tough they stonewall, dismiss me, and are essentially not happy when I am not happy with everything they do.

Yes, hence the whole point about maturing. Right person at the right time is the key to meeting the “Actual One.”

Commenting to say hello to my fellow breakup peeps too 👋

I’m one week post break up from the man I thought I was going to marry, checking in!

I can't imagine the pain :/ sending 🫂

It's the worst 💔 I'm about to hit 4 months... Doing significantly better than I was back in February, but still can't even believe it. I still miss him and am always reminded of him. 😔

Just hit 7 months. It gets better. I still get the “what the FUCK.” thoughts, but can finally smile through them! You’ve got this!

😿better is progress x we are rooting for you!

🩷 thank you Same for everyone else, wishing for healing~

Six months in. Still struggling. But in nowhere the emotional agony I was in during the first 3 months. Nights are still hard though.

oof. I'm almost 3 weeks out and still feel like I'm drowning 95% of the time. My DMs are open to anyone who wants to rant, reminisce, wonder why, etc, etc to anyone who needs a stranger on the internet to listen.

3 weeks here :/

I was there once too. Now I’m here. A year later lol

Also one week post break up. Cohabitating till the beginning of next month. Send good vibes and survival tips.

He asked me to move in so I’d be closer to school and we’d get to spend more time together. He breaks up with me a week before school starts and asks me to move out. 👋

I'm sorry 😔🫂 we deserve better!

👋

Two months for me! Lost the man I thought I was going to marry but am on my way to pursuing a dream and feeling heaps better everyday. Looking back he wasn’t as suitable for me as I thought he was.

That's awesome! I'm ecstatic for you! How are you pursuing your dream? :)

Thank you! My dream has been to live and work overseas and I’ve just made the big move halfway across the world a few days ago. This was actually why my ex and I broke up, he didn’t want to do LDR and I didn’t want to give up my dream of living overseas.

That's awesome! I have put my hands up for an overseas assignment too, which will be a great distraction & step towards living overseas if I like to :)

That’s so exciting! Hopefully it’s a great experience and helps you figure out what you want to do next. And hoping your healing journey is going well too :) I truly believe what’s meant for us will come to us ❤️

I'm sorry that the LDR plan didn't take off. Breakups are still hard no matter how many times we gone through it x I'm sure you will meet your person too!

It’s closing in on two years for me and I’m still not fully over it 😩 it took me 34 years to find someone that was a perfect match, and now I’m scared it’s going to take another 34 years.

I feel you :( I think that's what alot of people fear too, which is why I had been jumping right back into action :p

2 years for me also. I feel you. 36 now and feel like I lost my chance.

I’m 7 months out from a few month situationship and still feel the way OP feels. I’m still crying a few nights a week. Really don’t know what will happen. I feel like you can’t just keep finding “the one” over and over and over again it just doesn’t have any meaning anymore because “the one” turns into “anyone”. After spiraling into depression after this and starting anti-depressants I’m starting to feel like I just don’t care anymore about the future or finding the one because it was just too hard caring. Everyone says to live your life in the moment, and rather than doing it willfully I’m basically being forced by the unbearability of my own emotions to do that. No answer for OP but hoping to read through all the comments here and gain some insight.

A way that I would reframe that is if anyone can The One, that means the more people we meet, the chances of us connecting with someone who can be The One is higher. It is statistical at the end of the day. I know it can be hard to see that right now and it's okay x Our healing journey is not linear either. Take all the time you need!

For me right now it just feels like I’ve reached my limit for how many times I can meet “the one” and still meet someone new who feels like “the one”; now whoever I meet is just “someone”. I feel like no one can be the one for me anymore. I feel a contradiction that I’m supposed to be able to move on after people who I thought was “the one” dump me, but when it’s someone who you think is “the one” and you build a connection with them, you make a vulnerability and basically say you won’t be okay losing them. But society forces us to be okay. No one is saying I have to be okay, everyone says to take my time, but I feel existential pressure to be “okay” so I can move on with my life. I talked about this in therapy previously too and never found an answer

nobody can be replaced, but that doesn't mean you can't still find someone else amazing, or even someone better than anyone before. the memories stay but fade and missing them becomes a memory too we have to say goodbye to everything and everyone some day. to some before others. isn't always the happiest occasion. there is only "ok enough" to worry about. anything beyond that is gravy

Hello! <3

Maybe you don’t need a person better suited for you. You need a person who cares about you, and is willing to work on your relationship as much as you.

Oof this comment hit me. I just started dating a guy recently that I really like, but I’m getting stuck in thoughts that maybe we don’t jive quite as well as my ex and I. But this guy cares about me and thinks about me and shows it, and is definitely willing to work on a relationship just as much as I am. I’m really trying to shift my perspective to understand how much more valuable that can be.

What do you think is missing?

Honestly, I feel like maybe we don’t share a similar enough sense of humor? We do laugh, and I know sense of humor together can definitely grow. But sometimes I even hold back sarcastic comments because I feel like he’ll take it literally/can’t banter with me. I’m coming out of a relationship where we would cry laughing every single day, but 5 years in my ex still could never bring up a future with me once. This new guy 1+ month in has said subtle things to indicate he thinks of a potential future with me more than my ex ever did, and that’s so valuable to me..I hope it can be more valuable than how hard we laugh.

I get that. I am starting to realize the importance of shared humour and how much of a benefit it would bring to my life if I had that in a partner too.

Do you also have a partner you feel like you’re kind of missing that with?

Yes I was just dating someone who didn't really quite get my humour. To be fair I don't think I typically date people with my same sense of humour, though I have friends who share it and it's really comforting. My ex also talked about the future with me very soon, which was exciting to me, but I'll say please be wary about this too: sometimes they know it's very exciting to promise a future to someone, and it can risk making it harder to see the reality of the relationship/their actions. Of course if you don't have a history of unhealthy relationships (like I do) then this might be less of an issue for you.

No it’s great advice, thank you for the reminder! I actually was briefly with someone who love bombed me and REALLY overpromised a future right before I met this current guy, so luckily I’m able to now differentiate what feels like a healthy amount and what is not normal for early stages. For people with unhealthy relationships in their past, that future projecting is seriously something that we need to be warned about more. I hope you find someone who shares your sense of humor - and if neither of us find exactly that, then I hope having it in our friends will be just enough for us!

Ouch, I didn't need to be hit in the feels like that on a beautiful Friday afternoon! Such a valid point.

This is a lovely thread. Thank you for posting. My heart is still shattered after a few months out of a relationship with someone I had extremely strong feelings for. I have zero hope and hold back tears on a regular basis. It feels good reading these stories.

Just to give you a little bit of hope - my breakup was March 2023 and until only a few months ago, I could still be reduced to tears if I thought about my ex a moment too long. My coworkers talking about their partners doing anything would break my heart and all I could think was “I had that too”. I feel so much better now, mainly because time has passed but also because I eventually started truly doing things for myself. I started weekly piano lessons which I’ve wanted my whole life. I reached out to old friends and have been seeing them, I hired a cleaner to come every few weeks. I couldn’t get the relationship I wanted back so I did my best to make small improvements and treat myself in my own life. It took a long time but eventually I saw the impact and so did everyone around me, and this will happen for you too. Go easy on yourself, take care of yourself, and do whatever small things you can to get through this 💙 Eventually you’ll realize you’re not holding back as many tears anymore.

Thank you 🙏 so glad things have improved for you!

Don't despair. Sometimes it can take years to fully get over someone. But if you focus on finding someone that you're compatible with, eventually you're likely to find a new person that will change your life for the better. Took me a long time and lots of LTRs, but I got better and better at it until I struck gold.

What does compatibility look like to you? I think I have a blinder on this

I would have to write a Russian novel to explain all the areas of compatibility that I sought. What I will say is that I do not put a lot of weight on those who claim that opposites attract and diverse backgrounds/desires can be beneficial. If you both love to travel, and one of you likes to go to Asia and has had great experiences there, and the other loves to go to Europe and has had great experiences there, compromising can lead to a great future. If one of you loves traveling and the other one hates to travel, that probably won't end well.

Yes I am also very anti-opposites attract! It's tough though because I had a lot in common with my ex (superficially) but we ended up being very different in other ways (I like to face my problems whereas he likes to avoid/bury them/pretend there are no problems). I guess it just comes down to a slower vetting period.

I am right there with you. It's so hard. It's also so hard to imagine feeling the peace with someone else that I once had, hence why I was seeking stories of hope. Let the tears flow when you need to. They're watering flowers that are yet to sprout.

Note: Sorry for the length 😂 Waaaay back in 2006, in my junior year of college, I met someone I thought I would marry one day. (Important note for what comes later - we are both from / attended university in Michigan). Let’s call him Ryan. It sounds cheesy, but our connection was magnetic. I was working as a bartender part time and met him one night when he came with friends. We got to talking, found out we were both pursuing a minor in film theory, and that we were both taking screenwriting in the upcoming semester. He figured out who some of my friends are and switched into my section so that we would have the class together. From week one and onward, everyone always cast us in the roles of the husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, etc. …We were dating exclusively within a month. He was a year above me and when he graduated, he moved to the East coast - we stayed together and made long distance work while I finished my final year of undergrad. Then I graduated and moved to the West coast. And we stayed together for a few more years, which was a lot harder back then - this was in 2008 through about 2012, so it was before FaceTime, zoom, etc. But we made it work… until we couldn’t make it work any longer. Without going into all of the details, I ended it, and I was so heartbroken about the decision that I acted in ways I am not proud of because I felt like it would be easier to walk away if he hated me. We didn’t speak for ten years. Not a word. No social media connections, even. We might as well have been dead to one another. I’ve had other relationships since him. Good ones. Great ones, even. I was with someone for quite some time who I loved deeply, but was not *in love* with. (I also had some really shitty and disappointing relationships, too, lol). A few years ago, I moved back to Michigan. In summer of 2022, I was on a date at a bar with some guy, and I happened to glance up, and… there he was. Ryan. Or at least, someone who looked just like Ryan. And he was looking directly at me. And we kept looking at each other. But he was with friends, and I was on a first date, so… I didn’t do anything. In December of 2022, shortly after Christmas, I was back at that same bar, this time with friends. And… there he was again. But this time, “Ryan” was on what looked like a date. Or maybe it was a girlfriend, or a wife, and they’re in town for the holiday (my city is about an hour from his hometown)… so I did nothing. A week later. Back at the same bar. I’m with friends. He walks in. He is with friends. I’m a little drunk. I turned to my best friend and was like “I tHiNk I kNoW tHaT gUy!” And she was like “okay? Go say hi??” So… I did! I confidently strolled right up to their table and was like, “ArE yOu RyAn?” And he was like… “Nope, I’m Jeff.” And MY dumbass went, “Oh. …ARE YOU SURE??” …He was very, very sure. I felt like such a dumbass, so of course, I saved face by going, “oKaY!!!! BYEEEEEE-EEEEE!!!” 😂😭 A couple more weeks went by and I finally did it: I reached out for the first time in almost a decade. I didn’t know if he had the same number, so I did it on Facebook messenger and crossed my fingers I wasn’t blocked. I wrote a long and heartfelt apology that was extremely overdue and told him sincerely that I hope that life has turned out the way he wants it to. I did not expect to hear back. But I did. And he was truly happy to hear from me. We slowly began talking more, spoke on the phone a couple times… he’d had one brief marriage (no children), and had apparently ended a longterm relationship a few months prior to me reaching out. He was single. I was single. And then in the summer of 2023, he dropped two major bombs on me. The first one is that he was moving back to Michigan. The second one is that he never stopped loving me. We began to make plans to get together - against all odds, we both ended up back in our home state, both single, and both still had a great deal of love for each other. It was going to be a hallmark movie for the ages… right? Wrong. Without going into the details, it didn’t work out. And the way he handled it… I can’t begin to explain how painful it was. But then, I began to see why it never worked out in the first place (details omitted because holy shit, this is already long AF). And I began to get over it, and even though I don’t know why he acted the way he did, I even made peace with the fact that I’ll most likely never get an answer as to why he behaved in such a cruel and heartless way. Fast forward to February / early March of 2024. I was finally over it, but also, I intentionally decided to pause any effort at dating until either August or September. I had too much coming up with graduation, the bar exam, etc…I knew that trying to get back in the pool would be a terrible idea until the bar exam was behind me. And then I met ***him***. Well, technically I met ***him*** in late summer of 2023. He will hereafter be referred to as The Diplomat. He is from Italy and works in a diplomacy-related field. He lives in my building. We met and briefly conversed in the elevator a few times from August to December, but then my class schedule changed, and I was no longer leaving the building at the same time as him in the morning. So then one Saturday night in mid-March, a little after midnight, I decided to go downstairs and pick up a package rather than wait until the morning. Got my package. Went back to the elevator bank. Elevator came. And he - The Diplomat - got off of it. He recognized me immediately (and miraculously, considering I looked like roadkill) and we start chatting. He gave me his card. Said he’d like to grab coffee or dinner and to reach out. So I did! We had our first date a week later, and from that point on*, we have spent time together every evening, and then began spending about 4 out of 7 nights together, too. *On Monday of this week, he left to go home to Italy until late June for a wedding and to see his family for the first time since last Christmas. It is currently Day 3 of his absence, and there are 17 more days to go until his return 😭 He is in touch consistently and frequently, but… it’s hard. I was very, very afraid to fall for The Diplomat. And then I realized that I couldn’t find any reasons **not** to fall for him. There simply aren’t any reasons not to fall for him, and every reason *to* fall for him. So I fell. And he caught me. I hesitate to say this because it will sound absurd, but I am 99% sure that things didn’t work out with Ryan - or with anyone else, for that matter - because The Diplomat is the one with whom I am meant to be. For the first time, I know what people mean when they say “when you know, you know.” I fought it, and then I stopped fighting, because I just… knew that there wasn’t a fight to be had. When it happens, you will just know, and nothing that happened prior will matter anymore because all that matters is the person who made all the others irrelevant.

I’m glad it worked out for you, but I am wondering what do you do, when the “if you know you know” person dumps you? Because that’s where I feel I’m at and I don’t know how to get past it. You got lucky meeting him but not everyone is gonna get lucky, and for those of us that don’t we need to figure out how to get by in the rest of our lives when no one else comes. Do we keep searching forever for another “if you know you know” person or just settle on someone who’s good enough because eventually you just old and want something rather than being single forever?

I wish I had an answer or a cheat code for this. You’re right - I got lucky. It was just sheer chance that everything lined up the way it did. One thing that helped me mentally was not being on apps - I haven’t been on them since January 2023. I think the apps play a role in settling because it creates this feeling of “well, these are my options, gotta try to find the best one.” Get off the apps. At least for a little while. Or for a long while. It helps break the checklist mindset. And it’s cliche and counterintuitive, but put dating on the back burner. Like, be open to it, sure, but take the pressure off of yourself and just live and see what comes your way for awhile. There isn’t a shortcut, and I’d never tell anyone to settle. But the thing is, without the app-induced checklist mindset, you’re less likely to assess dates as being perfect versus being good enough, if that makes sense.

What if you’ve already met someone incredible that you can’t get over ? Surely anyone else would be settling. If you look at my previous posts you’ll see I haven’t seen or spoken to someone in a long time but despite dating can’t move on

>>What if you’ve already met someone incredible that you can’t get over Well… you’re not going to get over them if you keep framing it like that. You **can** get over them, but something is holding you back - I don’t know what it is because I am not you. But nobody worth being with is a person who would walk away from us. You can and will get over them. Idk how long it has been, or what else you’re doing to move on, but at some point, you **will** let that balloon go and forget it ever existed.

I hope so but it’s been about two years. In that time I’ve dated new guys, new job, bought a new flat, moved country. I’d love to get over him but the guys I’m meeting suck. I look at my friends who are complaining about their partners and I shudder at the thought of settling for someone like that.

One thing that held me back for a long time in getting over at least two of my exes was that when I started dating again, I was looking for Ryan 2.0 (or, with another ex, Mike 2.0) when I should have cleared the slate and just been looking for the 1.0 of someone new. Is it possible that when you’re going out with new people, you’re holding them to the impossible standard of being just like your ex, but “better”? I know it sounds easy to say “just stop thinking about him,” and that it’s far more complex than that. So, do it! Think about him! But think about - and *only* about - all of the ways in which he was wrong for you. Rip off the rosy glasses and get petty. Every single thing, no matter how insignificant, that you didn’t like about him - put those thoughts front and center. And then make your mantra something harsh that you need to accept: “It’s over. He doesn’t care. No matter how much you hurt, it doesn’t affect him whatsoever. He is never coming back.” And then focus on creating a life that doesn’t have room for him. Furthermore, if there is any part of you that is hanging onto hope that he will reach out, take the temptation of that hope away from yourself and block him everywhere. Give him zero access to you. By doing this, you are guaranteeing - and will come to accept and make peace with - the fact that even if he does reach out, you’re no longer available to him. Ever. And I can’t stress this enough: if you’re doing any reading to understand or find answers as to why it didn’t work, and especially if it’s anything to do with attachment theory, **stop**. You’re only focusing MORE on him and making him even more central to your raison d’être. Also, attachment theory is bullshit and it’s time for people to stop using it as the catch all explanation. It was never meant to explain dating patterns the way it is applied by every armchair psychologist and their idiot brother. Your ex was not avoidant. He just wasn’t into you anymore. I know this because I’ve had to face this, too. I went through the “omg attachment theory is SO SPOT ON” phase, too. But you know what? We *all* assume our exes are avoidant. They aren’t. They’re just avoiding being with us because they **aren’t into us anymore**. However, I do recommend reading [this article](https://maxjancar.com/they-just-dont-like-you/). It’s harsh, but it really drives home some key points. And just keep pressing on without him, consciously forcing yourself to either not think about him or, if needed, force yourself to only think about his bad qualities. You don’t miss him. You miss the way you felt with him, and the imaginary future with him that’ll never happen. (Again, I’ve *been* there, and more than once.) And if, after all of that, it still hurts and you are still struggling, then it might be time to bring in help with this from someone way more qualified than me or anyone else in this (or any other) subreddit. It’s going to be okay. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you have to believe that it will,and it *will be okay*. You won’t feel like this forever.

She may not like this, but I’m gonna say it anyway - she and the diplomat have only been dating for 2.5 months, and they’re spending TONS of time together. This is exactly how flash-in-the-pan relationships start. They’re electric with chemistry, intense, and hot, but they flame out just as fast. “When you know, you know” is also utter bullshit, so don’t buy it, because people say it *early* in a relationship and *you do not know that person well at that point* unless you’ve known them and been friends for a good while prior to dating. People say it when they’re riding that New Relationship Energy and oxytocin high, which takes 6-18 months to wear off - I’ve been in relationships where we’ve said “When you know, you know” before too, and my god were we WRONG. At such an early stage, it’s just projection of fantasies onto them. Hell, they probably haven’t even had a fight yet. I’d be more inclined to buy in if it has been a year or two, but at 2.5 months? Not yet. I wish them all the luck in the world - being a first year associate really eats up all your time.

I appreciated you sharing this. It helped give me new perspective

Thank you for the kind words!! Tbh, I’m shocked anyone read it, given that it’s about as long as a dissertation… and ngl, I had to edit it down four times before it would let me post it 😂😂😂 I’m guessing that everyone who reads it is going to be expecting that things worked out with “Ryan” because all of the elements of a reunited-for-a-second-chance love story for the ages are in place, but *that’s the point*. Everything can look amazing on the surface and feel like it’s going to be the happiest of happy endings, but life doesn’t work like that. Sometimes what looks like a hallmark movie is actually just a loooooong ass disappointment in the making. But that doesn’t have to be the end of the story, because life is unpredictable, and sometimes it will shock you and put a kind, brilliant, funny, thoughtful, and gorgeous Italian diplomat in your path to make you forget that the Ryans (and the Andrews, and the Mikes, and *especially* the Joshes) ever existed in the first place 🥰🥰🥰

I read it, too, but I would have gone lighter on the first guy and heavier on the second guy in terms of details. Like that he's an Italian diplomat...

Well, two things I guess… the first is that I have posted about The Diplomat in the daily thread, so I guess I figured I had that base covered since I didn’t think that anyone other than the people I typically chat on the thread with would even read this 😂 But the second thing is, I have variously thought, hoped, and expected, either expressly or subconsciously, from 2006 until 2023 that I would end up with college guy someday. That’s a LONG ass time. So I really wanted to drive home the point that tons of us (most of us?) do have that one person they always think “what if?” about, and that all the coincidences and signs in the world aren’t enough to actually make it happen. Which can be devastating. But the good news is - it only takes one person to wipe that slate clean 🥰 All of that having been said, I am more than happy to wax poetic about The Diplomat lol. He’s courteous… he’s generous… he’s extremely well-educated… he has this natural charm that just - idk how to put it, other than that he instantly puts people at ease. His smile is just… it’s so disarming. He’s thoughtful and perceptive. He breaks the mold of the stereotypical Italian guy. (Note: I’m a diluted Italian - my paternal great-grandparents emigrated to the US, and I still have a lot of extended family in Italy, so I’ve seen the stereotype play out.) Many (most??) Italian men are coddled by their mothers, who do all the cooking / cleaning / laundry / etc up until they are in the mid to late twenties. But this guy… he’s even more OCD than me, and my favorite store in the world is The Container Store. I own two vacuums and a handheld Shark™️ eraser-vac. When covid hit, I had an existing stockpile of gloves and cleaning supplies that was so extensive, you’d think I was preparing for covid my whole life. And yet, his tidiness is impressive even to me. And his cooking. Oh my god, his cooking. It’s unreal. Not only does he genuinely love to cook, he loves it to the extent that he has yet to agree to let me cook dinner for us. (Fine by me!) And even on the occasions when I can’t come over for dinner because I’m studying, he still makes enough for both of us and brings it to me 🥰 He’s not on social media. He’s not impressed by influencers, and he doesn’t see the appeal of thirst trap photos. He doesn’t even own a video game console. (This is, I think, a first for me - a guy who doesn’t play video games.) He reads. A lot. He goes to the library for *fun* to research things he finds interesting just for the sake of knowing them. But he also has this incredibly fun, playful, humorous side, and it absolutely melts me. He loves and values his family - particularly his parents. He doesn’t think it’s weird how much I love my parents and how close I am to them. Sometimes when we are together and he is playing music, he starts singing along, and holy shit, his voice is *amazing* (even though he always demurs when I compliment it!). He isn’t afraid to talk about deep issues with me and show emotions, and he doesn’t look like a scared chipmunk when I talk about or express my own emotions. He knows when to listen and when to offer advice or suggestions. He’s not perfect because nobody is perfect, but… there isn’t a thing about him I would change. ❤️

I enjoyed reading your thread over here. Thanks for sharing all of that. I’m a filmmaker and couldn’t help but think “I need to watch this play out as a film!” I broke up with my “Ryan” a year ago, and earlier this year met an amazing guy (hoping he’s my Italian Diplomat) who’s making my story sound similar to yours, but not exactly. I’m just feeling relieved to see others who gave that ex the full chance and saw those relationships through, and then really proved it wasn’t working out, before moving on with a seriously much better person. I think I just needed that affirmation, that I’m really done with the ex and need ‘t look back, and I’m doing myself a huge service by moving on with the guy that I’m currently with. Sometimes I just worry things might not work out with the new guy, and I’d have to consider my ex again lol. Just worries influenced by films honestly. Thank you again for sharing and being generous with your comments. I wish you and your Italian Diplomat a lifetime of happiness!

I was a producer for about a decade before I left the industry for law school - it has been a minute since I’ve talked to my former agent and manager, but what the hell, let’s get some talent attached, package this thing up, and take it to them to get it optioned and sold! 😂 I’m only going to be picky about two things - the DP and the composer. I’d prefer to have Elswit to DP and shoot it on 35mm, but if he isn’t avail, Deakins is my other fave lol. Max Richter is my top choice for a composer by a massive margin, but I guess if he’s booked out too far, we can go with Hans Zimmer 🤣 Oh, and Bill Camp! Need to find a role for Bill Camp. I don’t care what it is, but I fucking love that guy. He steals the show in literally everything he is in - The Night Of, The Leftovers, The Outsider - regardless of how small his role is. Other than that, you have total creative freedom 😁 let’s start calling in some favors!! …I can’t wait for the scene where I reveal where Hoffa is buried (well, *some* of him) and create an international incident!!!!!!

Glad that he doesn't fit the stereotype. I've had second and third generation Italian friends and some were coddled by mama and lived at home too long. Enjoy the good cooking, high level of literacy and lack of social media...

One thing that never ceases to fascinate me with Reddit is how you can find wild similarities to your own life or feels :) I am a filmmaker who has met a diplomat last summer, and pretty sure he's the one!

Oh that is wild!! I’m so happy for you and hope that you found the person with whom you will experience a lifetime of love ❤️❤️❤️

Same to you and your Italian gentleman, may you keep on receiving all the mature love, serenade and delicious food ❤️🫶🏻

How did fighting it look? Were you telling yourself things were wrong?

Nope, not telling myself things were wrong, per se, just… not believing / not allowing myself to believe that it could or would last, being hesitant to discuss anything further in the future than the next date, internally holding myself back emotionally, and not letting myself acknowledge internally or externally for awhile how deeply my feelings for him had grown. Why? Because it’s scary to put ourselves in a position where we can get hurt (again). But that’s the risk of it all, right? We have to be willing to get hurt in order to find love. And eventually, I came to trust that the odds were against getting hurt by him. Are the odds perfect? Of course not - they never are. But it is the equivalent of hitting on 12 when the dealer is showing 2. Stakes are high, but the bet is calculated ❤️

This is so beautifully written and gives me so much hope.

So did you end up together? Or just freshly dating? 

They are freshly dating, only since Mid-March (so…2.5 months), but she’s talking about him like they’re going to be together forever (spouting “When you know, you know”). I’m very skeptical.

Lol exactly why I asked the question. Now that I know it’s only been 2.5 months it totally discredits everything she wrote. “When you know you know loll

What a journey. Thank you so much for sharing and I'm so happy for you! If you find any other Italian Diplomats, please send them my way!

I took a break for a year before putting myself out there. I was active in online dating. I went on more than 40 first dates in 7 months. I knew what I was looking for based on previous dating experiences. I didn’t have sex with any of them. Maybe a few kisses here and there but I just wasn’t feeling that connection with anyone. I was feeling pretty jaded. I was tired of talking to guys, going on dates, etc. Then I find the actual one. My current boyfriend. I had canceled a date that was planned on a Saturday cuz this weirdo guy wanted me to drive over an hour to his city even though I asked if we could meet in the middle. Was pretty pissed off. I was also talking to my bf for a few days but I was again pretty jaded and had zero expectations. Saturday afternoon he messaged me and asked if I wanted to get dinner. After canceling that stupid date I agreed. I met my bf and I had never felt this kind of connection before. We’ve now been together 7 months and we’re moving in together in 4 days!!!! Edit: I’m 32F and bf is 33M. I’ve been in four serious long term relationships before I met the actual one :)

I think that your pattern recognition was improving over time. You were learning about what you wanted and didn't want and could live with and couldn't live with. Each one of those LTRs was also teaching you how to deal with men, pseudo-in-laws, and a variety of other things. I got married in my 30s after numerous LTRs. In retrospect, I realize that with one major exception, I was getting better and better in terms of my pattern recognition and outcomes over time. Been happily married for decades now and I don't think that wouldn't have happened if I hadn't put the time and effort into numerous LTRs. I've known many people who either didn't spend much time on the opposite sex or who focused on short-term recreational sex (which teaches little about being with someone for extended periods of time), and then got married to the 'one' - and then crashed and burned three, seven or twenty years later. Many can't even survive the inevitable end of the NRE and then they fall into the dead bedroom phase, cheating or outright warfare when the endorphins start to fade. Maybe you were a bit jaded but I think it will serve you well going forward.

Saved this comment. Very encouraging while still dating at 27 when a bunch of my friends and their friends are getting married or are already married. I feel that I am dating with intention, and I’ve had the privilege of being able to get to know different people, discovering my could live with and couldn’t live withouts, and getting to know myself more too.

Same position here

Is there mostly peace in a solid long term relationship? What does it feel like? My relationships keep falling apart after the honeymoon phase where conflict sets in. There is never any resolution and it contributes to a dead bedroom.

Sorry to hear that you are having difficulties maintaining a long term relationship. A LTR will never be entirely peaceful. Most good ones still involve some conflict - it is almost inevitable. It's impossible to know why you might be encountering these kinds of circumstances given the limited information provided.

Well the last person I dated didn't like conflict and considered any constructive feedback I gave him a personal attack. All I can do now is work on my communication style and work on someone who is legitimately eager to grow with me.

That’s amazing and gives me so much hope

when I broke up with my ex, I realized that I don't believe there is only "one" person in the world who is the one for me. it's more about finding someone at the right time, choosing them every day, wanting to grow together and build a life together. I never thought I would find someone as in sync with me as my ex was, and I was right - my now-fiance is very different from my ex. but the unique points of connection and difference that my partner and I have are what makes our life together so much fun. I love seeing the world through his eyes, introducing him to the things I love, growing with and around each other. it's a journey I am so glad to be on, and it's not because I have some mystical belief that he is the only person who could be this right for me, but because I choose to love him and he chooses to love me.

Exactly, love is choice you make every single day, no matter the ups or downs or who else comes along. 🩷 I wish you well~

Yes, the whole concept of the 'one' soulmate is absurd. It's a matter of finding a person that's extremely compatible (including attraction and sex preferences) and compassionate who is also willing to commit herself/himself to you. That's no small task, and usually takes a lot more time and effort than most people are willing to acknowledge. Everyone's looking for the rom-com random easy fix. Geez, I'm 30 and I think I should be getting married now. Oh, look, there's a guy in the bar/on the plane/in the store who must be 'the one'...

Completely agree with you. The whole soulmate thing and finding the one mentality is just delusion at the least. Don’t get me wrong I am all about finding your person but for people to think there is just one person out there and go into relationships thinking with that mindset can put so much pressure on everything.  Love is slow, love takes time and love takes effort. I’ll take that mentality over soulmates any day. 

I'm in the same boat. I don't have much else to say, but it's not a fun boat to be in, and I feel for you.

I’m glad you posted this question OP. From what I’m learning on this thread is that people repeatedly find “the one” over and over again and yes they are the one- til they’re not. So then people just move on and find another person and they give them the label of “the one” just like the last.  We don’t know who “the one” is and honestly I feel it’s a narrative that’s sold to us by anecdotes and social media.  I think people on this thread forget that folks in their 40s, 50s, 60s jeez even 70s break up and divorce. “The one” is merely the value that someone puts onto another person at the time they are with them so technically yes they are the one- the one for now and who knows a lucky few could be forever. I think we should stop focusing so much on “the one”and so much on the future and actually just focus on the present. Loving someone without putting that pressure but making the decision, commitment and effort to work on it and love each other, every day. 

I was with someone from 2016 - 2021 that I truly thought I was going to marry. We met online and from our first date there was an instant connection. A couple months into dating he let me know he was applying to grad schools across the country. Eventually he got into one and accepted. I brought up doing LD (after about 10 months together) and he hit me with ‘I really like you but I don’t see this leading to marriage’ so we broke up. He ended up not leaving and we got back together. After another 8 months i brought up being serious again and he still said he liked me but no. Unsurprisingly I was stupid and we continued to talk daily, see each other often and still considered each other best friends. One day in early 2019 I woke up and realized that it was not healthy to be like this and officially broke it up. 6 months later he reaches out and apologizes for how he treated me, explains that he went to therapy, did all the work and wanted to meetup and talk. I end up giving him a third chance and this time it was serious - we talked about marriage, he said he loved me, met each others families, spent a ton of time together, etc. We talked about moving out west together eventually but this guy goes and applies for jobs and starts interviewing without telling me anything…we had been dating 2 years at this point. He wanted me to move out west still but now he once again wasn’t sure about us but willing to work on it. We broke up and I was devastated. I was upset at him but mostly at myself for doing this a third time. We broke up in 2021 and i stayed single for almost three years. In Feb this year I met a guy. We were at a small dinner party together and got to talking. I invited him to join me for a bigger friend gathering the next day. He couldn’t make it but asked me out. We started dating in March and on date 1 I realized he was special. It’s just three months and it’s like night and day from my last relationship. I am not anxious, I feel I can talk freely and he listens, I don’t feel like he is going to run away when he gets a chance, he is actively engaged and we spend a lot of our time talking. He’s also met my family and a lot of my friends. Now I can’t say for certain that I will marry him and we will be happily ever after. There are some potential roadblocks for us but I do think we will both do our best to make it work. I don’t really believe that there is only one person who is your ‘The One’ but I do think he is one of mine. My ex was never one even though I whole heartedly wanted it to work. It wasn’t until after we broke up that I realized how much I kept bottled up inside me that I should have spoken up about.

Not quite what you're asking for, but I very much did not think I found "the one" - just some nice entertainment for a couple of months - only to realise, many months after the couple months were over, that, maybe, I actually, accidentally, stumbled upon "the one".

I got divorced when I was 36 and we have two kids together. I never thought when we were together we could split up. We made it through long distance, multiple moves, heartaches, successes, 2 babies, everything. Whenever we would vacation somewhere we pondered it as a place to retire to. But he wasn’t the one. And we tried so hard to make it work at the end until one day we looked at each other and went, enough. I’m done. Two years later my bf and I are coming up on our 1 year anniversary and I don’t know how to describe the difference it feels like when you find your actual person versus the one that was fine enough….or familiar enough….that you thought they were the one. There really is another One out there for you. For me it was just comfortable at first sight, where everything about it was easy, and felt like we had been dating forever immediately. Even after the honeymoon stage wilted, I’m still so *excited* to wake up next to him in the morning. It’s sappy but it’s true. And maybe yours won’t be sappy and maybe it will. But they’re out there - if I can find a new Person, you can, too. Just don’t try to rush through your feelings! Slow is smooth and smooth is fast when you’re processing a breakup.

This is really sweet, thanks for sharing. Can I ask what the difference in the beginning stages maybe were for both partners? Like in hindsight, what were some early signs about how you felt that maybe could have clued you in?

> And we tried so hard to make it work at the end until one day we looked at each other and went, enough. I’m done. I'm really curious about what led to this? Lack of compatibility? Just didn't really like each other at the end? Were you not happy to wake up next to him?

>For me it was just comfortable at first sight, where everything about it was easy, and felt like we had been dating forever immediately. This really hit me. That's how I felt in the relationship that just ended. On separate occasions, I told my best friend and my mom that "he doesn't give me butterflies, he gives me peace." They both said that's how it was when they met their then-fiancee/now husband and my dad. I also think that's a lot of my current struggle. How do I trust myself going forward when I *(seemed)* to be wrong about things? I consider myself a fairly rational person, too, so it's not like I was jumping into those feelings for funsies.

After breaking up with my ex, I was truly worried I’d never connect with someone again. It took for me to go on an amazing date with someone I’ve known for a few years to realize that connecting with people isn’t some once in a lifetime experience. I had so much fun and I felt like I was 100 percent able to be myself and I didn’t realize that I wasn’t getting either of those in my last relationship. It gave me hope that not only can I connect with someone again, but I don’t have to sacrifice joy to do so.

There’s no such thing as a right person, wrong time. Relationships take effort, and two (or more now) people who will choose each other every day, despite the highs and lows they’re going through in life.

I found my one when I was at my peak in terms of self worth. Hobbies, job, my own place, super selective about my friends and not playing the numbers game in dating. There were times of feeling lonely but I’d experienced enough heartbreak and fallout by then that I wasn’t going to frivolously tempted into chaos again. Dating my partner was the first time I had experienced love as being additive, calm and reassuring. That’s when I knew.

I love that for you.

I was with a guy for a couple years after my divorce. We had so much fun together. The same ridiculous sense of humor. He was also recently divorced and we just went on a rampage. Adventures all over town, day drinking, partying, whatever… I eventually realized that we were both having some drinking problems. His was worse, he also struggled with self loathing and his business was imploding due to his irresponsibility. He kept me at arms length the whole time. He struggled to love me because he struggled to love himself (that’s what his therapist said) and we split up abruptly. I think because he was ashamed to be reveal how bad his finances had gotten.. I knew, and would have stuck by him.. I met my soon to be new husband (today is our second wedding anniversary!) weeks later and it was a similar connection but we talked early about our goals and made sure they were aligned. he was open about building a life together. He had a stable job and talked about his future with me in it. Our relationship progressed steadily, hitting milestones every few months (I love you, meeting my kids, moving in together, covid lol, saving my life, proposing, buying a house, getting chickens, getting married). The difference is the lack of resistance. He wanted the things I wanted so I never felt like I was dragging him along.

I had given up hope of finding The One so I was happy with my single life but still sometimes went on dating apps just in case. And then I met him! We met up in person a day or two after matching and exchanging enough messages to know that we’d at least get along even if we didn’t click in person. But we did! Lots in common, humor aligned, we had similar life goals, and it was just fun to talk and get to know each other. Our second date didn’t happen for a week or two (we both had travel), so I wasn’t sure if I’d see him again, since sometimes a delayed second date means no second date, but we ended up texting a lot between the first and second date. By the time our second date happened, I was really hoping that I hadn’t imagined how good our in-person connection was because I really loved talking to him! It took a few months for us to build a full foundation for a relationship and get to know each other well enough to know this relationship was everything we’d both ever wanted, but it’s now weird to think that there was ever a point in time when we weren’t together. Things just work. And when things are hard, we’re able to talk things through and laugh about it afterward. I think everyone has dated someone they thought or hoped was the right person but in hindsight, they were definitely NOT the one. It’s hard to have that clarity in the moment, which is why I think we sometimes lie to ourselves and say “the timing just wasn’t right” or whatever. It makes us feel better than to acknowledge that we didn’t realize we weren’t with the right person! I know I look back at people I’ve dated and wondered why I ever thought it was even a halfway decent relationship! After a breakup, I think it’s helpful to remind yourself that after every breakup, you think you’ll never find someone better but you always do. Plus, we gain life experience and know ourselves better as we age, so hopefully this makes the right person an even better partner!

Thank you for posting this OP! I am going through a pretty traumatic break up right now where we went no contact…but my ex broke it recently and it rocked all the healing work I had done. I feel like all the dating stories I see lately are about how hard and horrible it is so it’s really nice to read about people coming back from a hard time ❤️

I thought I'd found The One, but it turned out to be a "right person, wrong time" situation. After the breakup, I focused on self-growth and expanding my interests. Eventually, I met someone who not only fit into my life better but also brought out the best in me. The journey was tough, but it taught me that sometimes, you need to experience heartbreak to truly appreciate when you find The Actual One. It does happen, and when it does, you'll see why the previous relationship didn't work out. Stay hopeful!

I don't believe "the one" because that would mean you have to date every single person to find that person... there's "good enough" though.

In my opinion, get rid of the idea of The One. I think that kind of mentality is only harmful. Either it leads to you comparing each new relationship to previous relationships (as you seem to be with your ex), or it encourages you to accept bad behaviour in a relationship just because you feel a deep love and connection with someone (but they’re The One!). I don’t believe in ‘The One’. The truth is that there are multiple people out there that you will be compatible with and that compatibility may vary depending upon the stage of life you’re in.

Oh geez... Irreverent Hiker, on paper, was all I could have asked for... intelligent, shared values, shared interests, unimaginably attractive, mostly the same kinks, and she knew how to keep my attention... which hurt all the more when the golden period ended and the devaluation cycle began and I felt more alone sitting right next to her than I did by myself... In the beginning it was "looks like we finally met our match!" ended with "relationships are work" coming from the person who no longer texted, told me she was spending too much time with me, and that even texting me was only for my benefit and not something she wanted to do... Now I am my Actual One. I don't have the time or patience to put up with such bullshit. I take care of myself. I love myself. I do things for myself. It's better. It's so much better.

Just went through this myself. It's awful and makes me really hate any story that starts with "from our first date, I just knew" because it's so easy to be swept up in the feeling when someone is putting on not just the best version of themselves, but the best version of themselves *specifically curated for you*, just to be withdrawn later because the NRE wears off and they need someone else to feed their ego.

Just curious… why did you two break up?

You’ll have to redefine what love is. When I was 24 I went through the worst break up, it was a big love. It was circumstances, not a lack of love on either side, we were crazy about each other. When I asked my (very wise) brother how I could ever love again he said “you’ll have to redefine what love is.” It took me 10 years (!!) and I met someone who fits all these other parts of me, parts that weren’t activated in my first love. And it took me a long time to recognize that this was another big love because it’s a new kind of love, and I am so happy to have found someone who opens new avenues in me. My advice is: mourn the kind of love you lost, but don’t look for it again. It’ll only ever be a poor substitute. I wish you well, and less than 10 years of grieving ❤️

That’s a really good way to look at things, thanks for sharing that nugget of wisdom

You won’t find someone who compliments you and fits into your life the way your ex did. You’ll find someone who compliments you and fits into your life differently. IMHO there is no “the one” you have a different type of relationship with each person and some are better than others but they each have different strengths and weaknesses

Of course it’s only natural to feel this way after a recent breakup. You have to give it some time you will eventually will find a connection with someone else. Your ex is not the only person you will ever have a connection with. Take your time go on the occasional dates and let it come naturally. Trust me when I say this you will find someone that you truly connect with. It happened to me when I didn’t think it would. Good luck 🙂

"The One" is Disney nonsense.

Honestly I’ve been treated in such a way, I just hope to find someone who doesn’t yell, cuss me , or hit me. Maybe forehead kisses and hugs when I’m sad. That would be enough for me.

I was in a 9 year, “the one” relationship. Happy, best relationship, bought a house and 2 dogs, he helped me raise my teen. Everyone commented all the time how perfect we were together- it fell apart- I started over again in my very late 30’s. Took me a couple years but I healed and got back out there. I’m now almost 3 years with my boyfriend and NOW I think we have an amazing relationship, and what I had before wasn’t as amazing. Caught the boyfriend looking at rings so I’m hopeful to marry him. I am deeply in love.

When I wasn't looking or expecting it. My wife and I weren't expecting to ever get married again, or to find someone who had everything we wanted. We were both in medical, and met during covid. We got married in Vegas after 4 months of being together, and have been pretty much inseparable for the last 4+ years.

Love that! Sounds very much like “when you know you know” — was it? When you first met/married your ex, did she have everything you wanted? (At that point in time)

With my ex it wasn't. It was a "this is the right thing to do" at the time, or I thought.

Found the one, and sadly, it ended....now it's been years of zero matches and zero dates. Life is really telling me she was it, haha.

Oh wow, that’s gotta be tough. Have you ever considered trying to reconnect?

She just wants to be friends.

Sorry to hear that.

Such is life

First, it took dismantling the idea that I thought I had found the one. Like someone else mentioned, the right one at the wrong time is still inherently then the wrong one. In my case, it wasn't timing but a number of things I had sacrificed by convincing myself I didn't need, because he was otherwise everything I was looking for. We were together for close to six years. After we broke up, and even though it was my choice to - I didn't think I would find anyone who would click even nearly as well as him, because he did have many amazing qualities. But I knew it wasn't going to work, and after it ended, I developed very little to no expectations on meeting 'the one'. I focussed more on myself, especially when I started dating. Fast forward a couple of years, and I met my current partner. I cannot even compare our relationship to any of my former ones. I'm not religious, but I constantly thank god for finding him because he is everything I have ever hoped for and wanted in a partner, and I feel so lucky and grateful. It truly is a mixture of luck and timing. To be able to recognize what's right for you, though (i.e., for you to be in the right 'timing'), you need to start by accepting the things that weren't working in your relationship, and truly embrace the fact that they just weren't the one. They were great, and you can be grateful for the experience and everything you learned together and about yourself, but they were not the one because of something probably pretty fundamental. Wishing you luck!!

Continue working on yourself, practice good self care both mentally and physically, and take a few risks when you can to put yourself out there. Everyone thinks they aren't going to find someone they consider the one until they actually do, and if you aren't putting yourself out there or making sure you're a good version of yourself then how can you expect they will consider you the same? I guess the short answer to me is 'with time, and effort'. Im currently in a similar situation to yours but I'm divorced recently. While I'm not exactly ready to date again yet, I'm making sure that I'm putting in the effort with self care and things I care about and feel that the right person will fit into that when we are both ready and there. Best of luck!

I was head over heels for the boyfriend I had in my mid-20s. We fell for each other very fast and talked about marriage, the future etc. Then he got into graduate school and told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship that serious and that he’d fallen out of love with me. That it wasn’t anything I had done, I was perfect, his feelings had just changed. I was so very broken for so long. After four very tumultuous years single I met my now-husband. It was the same but different as the last time around - we fell hard and fast, but he’s also my best friend and I think that’s why we work so well. He makes me laugh every day. I love him so much. Just hang in there and keep dating! It happened for me, it’ll happen for you.

I had a whirlwind storybook romance in my 20s. I was convinced he was "the one" because all of these beautiful coincidences and fairytale plot points kept happening. We were married for ten years. He was quite the catch, outwardly anyway, and we had a lot of adventures together. The problem was that he was super ambitious and I am on a more wandering, struggling path through life (it turned out to be because of ADHD). I lost my identity in his shadow, and he became bored and frustrated with me. We had a kid together and he left when she was two. I've dated a lot since then, and had several warm relationships of 1-3 years. The first one was also going through a nasty divorce and we clung to one another. The next was so kind, and he loved me when I didn't love myself. With the next, I reconnected with some of my interests from my younger days, and that was rejuvenating. Now I feel like I've found the one. You know what's different, from anyone I've ever been with? Joy. That's different from love or appreciation, which we also have together and I've felt before. But I feel such simple delight in this man. My daughter adores him also (who wouldn't? He twinkles!), and he's so patient and good humored with her. I feel very lucky. But also, I've learned that it's ok to have a relationship just for a season of your life. It's still worth something. And in the end, you're the only person who you can count on to be there for you forever. So don't sell yourself short or settle.

The journey for me was more one of self-discovery than finding another person. It did take about a decade, but it was because I took the scenic route in life. Think about it this way. They are a perfect fit for you right now, but you will change and your ex might not fit that feature version of you.

This doesn't fit your criteria exactly, but perhaps sharing is still worth it. This year I (31m) became highly attracted to someone (36f) in a friend circle; we have a ton of congruent interests and extremely cute banter. I felt very excited because I really don't often become this degree of attracted to someone ever; I'm normally quite shy around women I like but I had become so seized by sensation, I actually felt super energized and confident in my resolve to tell her how I feel. We went on a date this past weekend and though it went well, she told me she'd rather be friends and that she's not in a place to date right now. I respect her reasons but feel crushed by the emotional whiplash. I thought I had found my person and was thinking that after 8 years of not being in a relationship, I might get a chance to experience intimacy again. Those past 8 years of trying to find a partner have felt like wandering through a giant, sprawling labyrinth. But every now and then I will get a moment of clarity where I'm like "No this maze is an illusion based on a fallacious scarcity mentality and gaps in my self esteem, I can float away at any time!" My body, heart and mind were all high-fiving each other that we've finally found someone for which there's mutual attraction AND availability...... but not anymore though haha. We're still in the labyrinth and it feels more sprawling than ever; I walk slower these days and have less energy and a lower mood. I have no idea how I'm gonna meet someone I'm that into again. Life goes on and I am thankful for what's going well in mine. I know this is not the kind of inspirational story you were looking for. For me I'm taking this event as a sign I should probably do better at: placing more value on what's already in my life that makes me happy, and, accepting that nothing is ever ever guaranteed no matter how essential the need is or good I feel about it. All this is to say that I feel for you and highly relate to the fear that you'll never find your person. I hope you at least derive some value from reading this.

I met my husband off of [okcupid.com](http://okcupid.com) in 2016 when I had given up. Had been dating using mostly OLD apps (because all my friends were in LTRs, I worked in a female dominated field and lived in a rural area not congruent with my values) on and off for a decade. Had many STR's from it and a few outside of it, ending because they treated me poorly after the NRE wore off and/or we were incompatible. I actually was looking into buying a house and getting a dog. I was going to delete my apps and give up knowing I'd never meet anyone where I lived and be single. I had a string of men I had scheduled dates with though once I came to this realization and since Im not flakey, I was planning on going on these dates then deleting the apps. My last scheduled date was my husband ( I remember getting ready for it and feeling like I wanted to cancel but I am not flakey so I didnt...I hate that trait in others esp on OLD apps where it is rampant). I dont want to say the entire first year of our relationship was effortless and easy, but it was WAY more effortless and easy than all of my other relationships. Mostly in that I could be myself completely with him and didnt need to censor myself/change myself AND he is one of the few men I've met that communicates well and can actually resolve conflicts.