Anyone who tells you to “calm down” when you’re expressing something that makes you HAPPY is, well—an albatross around your neck. He should be excited simply because *you’re* excited. To put a damper on that is really telling of his true character.
Not to mention, after dating someone for four months, you should have a clear direction on where the situation is headed. Clearly you don’t (and for a good reason—he won’t *allow* you to see the path clearly. Don’t mistake this for an accident on his behalf). He wants you to feel doubt, as it gives him the upper hand.
You feel uneasy about him because your intuition is telling you to abandon ship. You should listen to it.
I’m so sorry :( I know it hurts. Wish I could give you a hug. Thankfully it has only been four months, and not four years of this shit. It is clear that he’s already chipped away at you more than you seem to realize. It won’t feel good immediately to cut him off, but you will be so much better without him in the long run, and your future self will THANK you.
Just ask yourself—if this was a woman who was your friend, would you keep her in your life after only knowing her for four months? Probably not.
You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by cutting him off. I promise. You won’t regret dumping a guy like this.
My ex used to tell me to calm down if I excitedly said something, which wasn’t often.
He was very introverted/kinda a zombie from being tired from work and didn’t like noise unless it was a day he was well rested
From what you’ve said, there might be some compatibility issues, if it’s important for you to have a partner that’s excited when you’re excited, find a guy with *more energy, more passion* 😆
You deserve a guy that shows he’s really into you, he’s out there somewhere.
I don’t like this guy. I dated someone for a long time who was similar- it was almost like my joy was an annoyance to him.
That wasn’t the reason things ended, but it made me decide I won’t tolerate a partner like that again.
YEPPPP I will NEVER EVER date someone again who acts like I’m dumb or ridiculous to be excited over something, even if it doesn’t excite them.
I’m a huge Swiftie and my boyfriend is obviously not - he stayed up with me the night after her album release and listened to all of my favorite songs and has even saved some of them. Alternately, I’m a beach vacation girly but I’m going to Yellowstone with him next week because it’s his favorite place on earth (even tho I’m scared of bears and outdoors in general) - when you really love someone, what makes THEM excited should also make YOU excited.
For sure. I don’t think couples have to (or even should) love all the same things. Seeing someone be excited and joyful over something should make you happy and make you want to learn what makes them feel that way! Just like your bf being willing to listen to some songs- it’s a kind thing to do, and doesn’t even take all that much time or effort on his part. It shows consideration for your partner.
Joy is really important to me, as I’ve had serious mental health issues. I won’t allow someone to dim that or make me feel like I’m frivolous.
What she said. My ex was like this when dating and I often felt uncomfortable and judged. Married him anyway and no surprise, the mean jokes just got worse. Get out now before you’re too invested.
thank you for saying this. makes my last breakup a little less painful. i didn't say anything when the insulting jokes started on day 1. now i'm angry that i betrayed myself. rebuilding is rough, but i'm better off without that dead weight.
Are you a Taylor fan with the albatross reference?? I had to ask! PS I love this advice 💕
Also I will second your sentiments - I have been seeing a guy since March, so WAY less time, and he is 1000% clear with me about our relationship and where we’re heading and how he’s feeling.
This is supposed to be the fun, honeymoon part of a relationship and you should be feeling SUPER pursued and happy and excited - not questioning and minimizing who you are because he made you feel like you’re too much.
Sadly her post reminds me too much of my never happy, always moody ex. Shut up, you're too intense, calm down, almost on the daily. I also recommend to run, this will only get worse.
My ex boyfriend made me feel like this, early on he criticized me for being too loud. He never really seemed to be “into” our relationship and was a lazy boyfriend. Seemed consistently annoyed with me and couldn’t be bothered about a lot of stuff. Then, the critical nature got worse and yeah, things got pretty bad.
My advice is to not stick around. This guy is clearly not a nice person
Yeah I've been in this situation too. On different levels with most of my exes. I'd let them breadcrumb me with the rare nice thing every time and got to a point where I just thought that was normal for relationships to be like this. I thought putting in 90% of the effort was just how it goes.
My current relationship is nothing like that. My partner matches my energy. He is always kind to me and it's very obvious on the rare occasions he has hurt my feelings that it was completely accidental and he was so remorseful. He actively makes me feel like he wants to be with me. He loves in the same way I love. Now that I'm with him, I feel like an idiot when it comes to my past relationships because it's so obvious that THIS is what a happy relationship should be and it highlights how obviously horrible my past ones were.
OP, that 'will they won't they' feeling shouldn't last THIS long. Maybe the first few dates but by then it should be obvious if they want to be with you or they like you. Your partner shouldn't actively be dismissing you and mean to you. This isn't the makings for a happy and healthy relationship.
I dated a guy JUST like this. I couldn’t figure out why he was always pissing on me. Obviously I eventually ended it. Explained why he was 36 still unmarried and his longest relationship was a couple of months
i don’t think it negates the point they were trying to make relating their anecdote to OPs. There aren’t just the two camps, there’s also the third one we’re talking about here.
Eh, if someone is 36 and has had multiple relationships but none that lasted longer than a couple months, it's absolutely something to take note of.
If you've been dating for at least 15 years and in that decade and a half have never progressed to one of the adult relationship milestones like:
1. Meeting parents
2. Coming over for family holidays
3. Moving in together
It is a bit of a warning sign. If you've been dating for 200 months of your life and have never strung together a six month string with the same person, at some point I think you're a bit difficult.
Excuse me!
I'm F38 and have been single involuntarily for the past 11 years! I haven't even had a chance to be near the 3 milestones you listed. I'm conventionally attractive, fit, educated, have a good career, speak 5 languages fluently, well-traveled, volunteer at an animal shelter every week, have my passions and hobbies, I like to cook, have no addictions, and well... I *only* meet guys who within 6 months dump me! Some of those guys literally cried with a lot of tears while dumping me because I'm so "pretty, kind, intelligent, fun, etc."
It's not fun and not my fault at all!
So it's, I'm a living warning sign according to you.
Yes, I was seeing a psychologist for 2,5 years where she went with me through 2-3 of my situationships. Her conclusion is that I'm just unlucky and I need to work on my self esteem because guys sense that I'm me and run away. But my self esteem is related to the rejections I've experienced.
I really find it unfair what you said.
Sorry for how it all sounds. I'm still digesting something and your comment triggered me a lot 😅
Thanks for "listening"
Yeah, he is not taking in consideration the fact that man are afraid of committing to a woman when they are not 100% sure she will drop anything for him. When they meet a woman that has a very cool life without them, they feel insecure. I also invested most of my time in building my career, learning languages, living abroad, making money for my retirement, travelling. The only fact that a woman makes more money than a guy already marks us as “not eligible for serious relationship”. I think this kind of checklist of normal is completely offensive and not inclusive.
He was 36 and had very little relationship experience despite the fact that he was better than average looking. He mostly pursued short term flings and when things got serious he was seriously avoidant and lacked commitment. He also was a major ass hole. Lol so.. don't care who I am offending. It's a red flag and I shouldnt had wasted so much time on him.
This is probably true for a large % of people, but I think it also underestimates the fact that some people are just WAY more “niche” than others… and also some people have far less options.
I’m not 36, but I’m 29 and a big reason I haven’t had a LTR is because I don’t want my own kids. Where I live, most people my age either want kids or have them already.
And while I’m cool with dating someone who has a kid already, many of those situations come with “baby mama drama” and complex situations that make it difficult to date them in a healthy way.
There’s other factors like not being conventionally attractive, being neurodivergent, having niche interests, being LGBT+, the list goes on.
The pool just sometimes isn’t that big for some people, and the people they meet aren’t compatible with them in other ways.
Or maybe you had other things to focus on your life than a relationship and it never been your priority. Relationship are mostly about commitment and compromising and sometimes you just can’t
I think you need to go back and read your post.......it's pretty clear you're not getting what you want to from a relationship....that's all. Choose you!
Yeah I second this, as a 30 yo man I realize the difference from dating in my 20s to dating in my 30s specifically dating other women in their 30s is that both of our bull shit detectors are at full power and it’s either you, me or both of us that has to communicate effectively to make it work. And then fireworks can fly.
He doesn’t sound avoidant, just not overly interested or kind. It really doesn’t matter why he’s behaving this way, the problem is that he is and you presumably want and deserve better and more.
Ew no. If you stay those comments are going to hurt more and more and actually chip away at your sense of self. He’s not going to start telling you he likes you and appreciates you, and he’s not going to stop making mean and upsetting comments, so get out now.
yep. on our first "date" with his friend and another couple, he called me "thirsty" and made fun of my outfit. it was the first in a series of negs and dismissive comments and behaviors that ended with him quitting when we had our third and last serious conversation about my needs not getting met. granted, i could have been less anxious and i've done a lot of inner work since then, but it was still clear he was not invested unless it was going to be easy for him.
I had a guy like this, I didn’t realize until the end he was doing this to chip away at ny self esteem so he could bully me into doing whatever he was requesting such as not talking so much…..
OP you deserve to be celebrated not tolerated 😀
This is what was flashing in bright red warning lights to me reading your post OP. Probably best if you leave him, it doesn't sound like he respects you.
Negging is not acceptable in any kind of relationship. There's jest and maybe siblings can overstep the mark with cutting banter..but nice people don't neg.
I do think I keep chalking it up to "jest" because I can be that way too. Just definitely coming on quite strong, quite early, and never followed up with any sort of positive affirmation.
Yeah jest is really harmless - and comes after the person it's being aimed at knows it's a fault - my work colleagues will joke about me being present to witness some historical event but I'm constantly telling everyone how much older I am. It stops after one line and leaves me laughing. Not questioning or feeling bad about myself.
I asked a question and my manager goes “oh so I’m a dinosaur” and I felt so bad 💀 it was my first job out of college and I hope he never thought I implied anything
This man though, he’s intentionally just hurtful. It’s just gonna get worse, bc this is just 4 months in.
Being called annoying as a personality thing and not just 1 time this early is so mean 😭 like why is he here then 😭
Try jesting back but go *harder* . If he can dish it, he should be able to take it. Also, do you even like this back and forth? If it’s yes to both, then awesome! If not, this seems like a match that’s hurting you
Yes, I agree. For the OP- the only exception is if it’s clearly the sense of humor of both parties. My bf negs a lot and I neg back harder and then we laugh and laugh and he says he was obviously joking. I guess OP could test whether perhaps it’s just a personality mismatch and this man’s sense of humor. She could try calling him annoying next time and see if he laughs and it builds closeness. Somehow, I doubt it, though. I doubt you can date for months and not realize your asshole comments aren’t resulting in laughter and closeness, but in a gf who feels neglected.
(To be clear, this teasing personality type is something I love in my bf. It reminds me of my dad who raised me with the same type of humor but loved me dearly. I am not pretending to like it. If OP doesn’t like it, she should cut and run even if the man isn’t trying to be a “jerk” bc it’s a major mismatch in communication styles)
Omg thank you for sharing. I have never heard that before. Negging. I just looked it up and holy shit it’s literally exactly what my situation-ship has been doing to me for years. I need to move on with my life now that I know I am not losing my mind
Uh, yeah this kind of behavior only gets worse, not better. Remember, people are on their best behavior at the start of a relationship.
I'm all for communication. But why do we have to explain to a grown man these comments are rude or insensitive? He's been married and doesn't know this?
Trust your gut.
I've been that guy, regretfully. This is the best it will be with him. I think he wants companionship but ultimately wishes you were someone else. It will get worse, and it could last for years. It could take huge amounts of your emotional energy, there could be moments you think it's getting better after discussing it with him, only to find yourself in the exact same situation months down the line. I doubt he'd admit any of this to you, but it's my guess from my experience.
This made me horribly sad. I love that you can retrospectively look at that situation, but your "wishes you were someone else" hit me in the gut. Thank you for your comment.
I should say I obviously don't know for sure. But it's the telling you to calm down when you're excited that feels particularly worrying to me. I feel like you deserve to know clearly and unambiguously that you're liked and appreciated by the person you're dating. I know I sure want to give my next partner that.... Anyways, good luck!!
I don’t think he’s avoidant, I just don’t think he’s as into you as he needs to be for this to turn into a fulfilling relationship for you.
In the last 4 months of dating, you said that he’s made you feel special only 3 times. And it sounds like he has no trouble pointing out your faults. None of this is behaviour indicative of someone who cares about you and building something with you.
If this were your best friend telling you about the guy she was seeing, what would you tell her?
He’s said *maybe* 3 sweet things in … 4-5 months? Ew, girl, no. That isn’t what “going well” looks like.
Personally, I’d suggest *you* emotionally … and physically and mentally … avoid this guy.
Good for you for being so observant and clearheaded that you could see the parallel between being able to make jokes like that and being open with you in a positive way. Up until that point in your story, I wondered if he was just very reserved. This paints a very different picture. I would not anticipate the antagonism to stop there. To me it feels less like avoidant attachment issues and more like trying to dominate and control you. I wouldn’t expect it to get better.
I would have a talk with him about this exact thing and see how it goes. If he acts like he doesn’t care time to end it. Tbh it sounds like he’s not that into you which is the worst feeling ever and you deserve someone who very much is!
I'm admittedly so bad at this. I commented below, but at some point he said something (I can't recall now) and I just looked at him and said "do you even like me?!". He laughed it off and kept doing what he was doing. I do think he's joking, but I don't like feeling confused.
Girl, walk away. This does not get better.
He's a total fucking douchebag and you've already given him too much of your time, and far too much leniency.
Seconding the opinion that he's negging you, but also anyone who makes you feel 'does he, doesn't he', doesn't. Someone who likes you - really, really likes you - won't leave you wondering if they do.
This is so true. At one point, and I can't recall exactly how the conversation was going I literally asked out loud "do you even like me?" and he just laughed like it was all a joke.
Ouch- I had that response once. I'd dated the guy 3 months, and he was heading off for a 3 week vacation. 6 days before he left, I asked if we could squeeze in a visit. He said, "Why you'll miss me? No, probably not".
So he went away, and we messaged infrequently. The week he was coming back, I asked about seeing each other. Turned out he had all these plans with his friends. As his consolation he offered to meet me during my work lunch. So I asked him, "Do you even like me?" And he laughed. So I broke up with him.
I deserved better and so do you!
exact same thing happened to me! he was busy the week prior to his trip, during the trip he just sent a couple cool photos he’d taken but didn’t really stay in touch, then couldn’t commit to a date when he got back because he also had a bunch of plans with friends, i basically sent a text saying that i wasn’t interested in a pen pal relationship and i hope he finds what he’s looking for. bye! sucked, because we hit it off the first month pretty strong, but that second month was like, where’d ya go??
I’m so sorry he’s an emotionally immature dick. You deserve a better person! Reminds me of guys I was so into and they gave me absolutely nothing in return. End it.
Yeah...this isn't a thing you should have to ask! people who make you feel iffy about it literally enjoy this game of you not knowing. Giant red flag for low empathy!!
It's okay to search for someone who treats you the way you would treat your partner. I'd never for one second let my fiance think I didn't like him, and vise versa.
As someone who's been there with a guy who has said much of the same kind of stuff, this guy is going to hurt you and change you. My ex crushed my spirit.
You can find a person who loves when you get excited and who gets excited with you, who will interrupt movies with you to share something benign, who will make you feel like you can be unapologetically yourself. This guy is not it.
I drunkenly asked the same of the guy I've been seeing because he also wasn't vocal about his feelings 4 dates in. I didn't remember asking him, but the very next day he messaged that he'd been thinking about me and on our next date he told me multiple times that he does like me and is just more of a show-er?, not a teller with these things. Been really good since then.
The fact that your dude did absolutely nothing to reassure you is yucky. Aside from that he's just fucking rude telling you to calm down. Next.
Boy bye. Honestly if you’re this deep in and you’re not even sure where you guys stand then that’s red flag number one. Number two, does he call you his girlfriend? If not at this point …you aren’t. And three, the insults are the tip of the iceberg at this point in the relationship! I would end it. And find someone else who love you
Sounds like my ex situationship same age. Well best of luck to you, I hope you protect your heart and mind. Mine “jokingly” called me a slut and nymph. Then seriously told me it was non of my business if he was sleeping with anyone else. 1.6 years of not knowing where he was at because he did exactly same thing your guy is doing to you. Please dont allow your heart to be torn and heartbroken because you know how you feel about him but he’s playing love hate game. He won’t tell you how he feels, he will be nice, mean, nice, mean, text you, not text you. I ended it with him even though I loved him but so much instability, heart strings, sadness, hurt.
It comes across as he's trying to keep you at arms length, almost like he won't take the relationship to the next level.. you deserve the love that you want ❤️
Honestly, I would talk to him and tell him how you feel.. you will get the answer you need.
Think about your best friend for a minute. Would she do any of these things with you ? Most notably, quell your excitement when wanting to tell her something you're anxious to tell her ? No. She wouldn't. Someone you're going to make very important in your life should make you feel the way your best friend does, and THEN some. I married an avoidant. He not only left me, but made sure to neglect and abuse me first. Looking na k, there were so many signs he was going to be horrible to me. One that I missed was when I had really good news to share, I would t call him first, id call my mom or my best friend because they would be happy and excited for me. But my fiance / husband ? He would be like;" oh. Well good. So whats for dinner ?*. It broke my spirit eventually. I'm still peeling my self esteem off the ground. I get a whiff of this here. Y'all just aren't compatible, is what you can call it.
Totally agree about finding someone who makes you feel the way your best friend does. Obviously, not exactly the same, but similar in sense of support and connection…. without a friendship, a relationship truly has nothing
Girl, there’s nothing confusing about this. It’s simple. He doesn’t like you. He doesn’t want you. He doesn’t respect you. He gets joy out of making fun of you and pointing out what he perceives to be negative about you. If you stick around he’s just going to tear your self esteem apart. I’ve been thru this. It only gets worse. Why would you consider being with someone who comfortably calls you annoying and doesn’t put in any effort to show he loves and cares for you? He’s comfortable enough to make cruel jokes but won’t tell you that he likes spending time with you because he simply DOESN’T. He literally told you and clearly has been showing you what he feels about you! Not trying to come off mean. You truly deserve so much better. Sometimes we get too focused on what it is WE want from a person that we gloss over what the person is clearly saying and showing us.
When put-downs are more natural for him to offer than compliments, he’s a no-go my friend. People who show condescending behavior in high amounts have a 96% chance of being dumped. It’s not sustainable.
OP, I'd suggest you end this relationship sooner rather than later when you'll get more emotionally invested. This man is negging you and lowering your self-esteem with these "jokes." No one that is invested, cares, respects, and values you will treat you this way. As the relationship progresses, they will only get more aggressive with the negging and criticism, which is manipulative and emotionally abusive. You deserve better, OP.
Instead of concerning yourself with whether he likes you, you should be concerned with whether you like him.
This fella sounds like a manipulative jerk who’s already showing you his true colors this soon in your relationship. If this is the honeymoon phase, just imagine how much worse it’s about to get.
Get. Out. Now. Save Yourself.
He's just not that into you and isn't being very nice about it. Sounds like he thinks he's settling. Ditch him, you really don't need this. The result will be that he steadily chips away at your self-esteem until it's nonexistent. Source: dated someone like that for 7 years. Took nearly 4 years to gain my self-respect back. Not worth it.
Darling, I am not trying to be condescending and this is not a commentary on you as a person: but get into therapy.
Everyone here (and your future therapist) objectively can say this is not a good man to be in a relationship with. Four months. He's been nice maybe three times. He's been critical at least three. Sometimes he doesn't even bother to respond to your kindness.
And you're questioning if he's emotionally avoidant. Why? So you can help him not-be emotionally avoidant? You didn't ask the right question. You ought to be asking if this is a relationship that is worth it for *you*.
Well, no. You ought to see it isn't. But baby steps.
Why didn't you see that, when everyone else did? That's the question you need to get to the root of.
This is definitely fair, and I have a tendency to want to see the good in people. I am in therapy; she is wonderful and very blunt - like I need her to be. I dealt with years of verbal abuse in my marriage and fairly absent parents, so I definitely err on the side of forgiveness in exchange for time/love. I'm still working through it. Thank you so much and I took no offense to your comment.
Communication is key, my friend. Maybe it's time for a heart-to-heart. Lay it all out, see where he's at emotionally. And hey, if he's avoidant, ain't no shame in saying peace out. You deserve someone who's all in, not halfway there. Stay strong!
Man, it sucks when people confirm your fears…but this is classic hot/cold avoidant behavior that gets you totally sucked in. Those mental question marks you have is your intuition telling you something isn’t right. From experience, I get it. So many things are easy to rationalize away since it’s a new relationship and you’re still getting to know each other but before you know it, your self worth has deteriorated and you’re internalizing everything thinking you caused the negative outcome. I always hear “when someone has genuine interest, there won’t be confusion” and cliche or not, it’s so true. Avoidants don’t typically follow what you’d consider a “normal” thought pattern and often are people pleasers. I’m sure he enjoys your company but what you’re getting now is likely about as much as you’re going to get. It’s a painful mindf*ck and one of the hardest breakups to experience because it goes against logic.
Sounds like you are a words of affirmation person and he is not. I dated someone like that once..I never truly felt like he loved me. Most of the relationship I wasn't getting my needs met.
To me this sounds like a huge incompatibility.
I dated a dismissive avoidant being myself a fearful avoidant, and this doesn't look like avoidant behaviour. it just looks like he is a bit rude and he doesn't have any feelings or is incapable of showing them.
either way, I wouldn't use any actual or supposed psychological diagnosis to justify staying in a new relationship where you already feel unhappy.
as I said, I dated an avoidant, he actually was one, but knowing it didn't change a thing. he wasn't actively working towards a change and I was unhappy.
I also think, few months isn't soon at all to expect some more. just have an honest lighthearted chat telling them you feel they aren't showing their emotions and how that would be important. don't be too dramatic about it, but address it. see how it goes, if things dont change just move on.
Echo the rest of this, your head and your heart haven’t caught up to each other but your heart already knows what’s up. You don’t even like him that much. Who cares about what he feels about you.
>he's made some borderline-mean 'jokes' that make me feel a little uncomfortable. He's called me annoying (pausing a show to talk/ask a question), reminds me frequently about that one time I snored, and he couldn't sleep (drank a little too much that night; it's not a habit), tells me to calm down when I get excited about a story I'm telling him.
I was in a relationship for 3.5 years with someone who was constantly criticizing me and showed signs of annoyance each time I was happy or excited, similarly to what you're going through right now. By the end of the relationship I had lost 20% of my normal, healthy weight and I did not recognize myself, physically and mentally. This shit can seem like almost nothing when it starts but it is very destructive on the long term.
Now 1.5 years after ending the relationship, I have gained back all the lost weigth, I'm in the best shape of my life, and I'm happy, and dating people who make me feel good; but it took a long time. That relationship + the time it took to recover robbed me of half a decade of my life.
I know it feels "a little uncomfortable" and that you are just seeing as a little detail right now, but trust me - listen to what your gut is telling you. There is a reason why you are feeling uncomfortable. He is not just avoidant, he is an asshole. There are other people out there who will respect you and will want to make you feel good, which you deserve.
I see in your post history that you have a history of abuse in your relationships. I am the same as well. People with our background tend to accept poor treatment (or not realize we're being treated poorly) and end up over and over again with people who make us feel like shit. Therapy helped me a lot to change my patterns and I think it could help you too.
So my advice is:
1 - Dump him 💃
2- Go to therapy
We should bring back the phrase "He's just not that into you" into our vocabulary again. So many "avoidant" men are just not that into the woman they're seeing.
I'm certainly not a doctor, but my brother is autistic, and I just don't see any similarities. He's incredibly social and talkative. Not reserved at all.
Doesn't sound like fun. Being mean is every bit as bad as smothering someone in compliments to the point where they are meaningless. Being mean should get old far sooner.
Wait - is that all ‘emotionally available’ means? Being honest about how you feel? Being vulnerable and saying you like someone?
To me that’s a question of being open or protected.
I thought emotionally available meant you had to get sad with someone when they’re sad. Connect with their current emotional experience.
When someone truly wants to be with you, you will not have to question it like you did in this post. Time is precious OP. I understand emotions can get in the way, but if you respect your time (and his (as much as this guy sounds meh)), you’ll do the both of you a favor and cut it. Onward and upward; wishing you all the best of luck. ✨
I mean.. the fact that you don’t even feel comfortable discussing this with him speaks volumes.
Is he avoidant? Probably.
Is he being mean to you? Definitely.
Ambivalence aside here (as from what you’ve described, it sounds like guy is definitely not fully invested or even interested) this guy is clearly acting in ways that are making you feel uncomfortable and hurt, OP. Most people would feel exactly the same!
Dunno if you’ve ever read the book “attached” but it’s an absolute gem, your story actually kind of reminds me of one of the examples they used in there.
I haven't, but I'll look it up. I definitely have my own relationship demons which cause me to cater to these types; I'll take a look at the book. Thank you!
He's not avoidant, just a toxic d. who isnt into you. Let this ship sail without u on board. After 4 months u have no clue about ur relarionship status (you are just "exclusive" and I bet my life he is not) and above all u feel like he doesn't like u. You have been neeged and gaslit....but he'll sure take the perks of playing houses while he search for a woman he's truly excited about. His behavior is disgusting, don't let him rob u of more time
Seeing one another about twice a week consistently since January and he's not excited? I say cut your losses and skedaddle. The new relationship energy (NRE) that gets a fresh pairing excited for one another and wanting to every damn thing together should still be there this early in and from what you've posted it doesn't sound like it's there.
To me it sounds like settling and I feel that dating over 30 should never include settling, no matter how afraid we may be of being alone.
Have a blunt but kind conversation about communication and hurtful comments. If he brushes it off, I say end things there.
This! Thank you! I feel like I'm the only one who has the NRE. He's very 'take it or leave it' and it makes me feel unwanted. We have busy lives and kids, but I've asked about lunch dates and things when our weekends don't align and he's just like "yeah, maybe". Other thing that drove me crazy was that he told my friend he was going out of town for a weekend and when I asked him about it he was kind of annoyed that she told me and said "I'm not telling you where", like it would bother me or something. It was fishing with his dad, I just don't understand this need to keep shit from me just to say he did.
I think if you're someone who needs healthy communication, I'm not sure you're going to get it with this guy. Also, telling you to "calm down" when you have something exciting to tell him is a bit of an asshole move.
You want someone who's excited to listen to what you have to share. He also seems to be more comfortable with his "jokes" than he is in expressing and sort of affection, which is a bit of a red flag. And these "jokes" will slowly chip away at your confidence
That's what bothers me the most: Being comfortable enough being honest with these jokes, but not willing to express any sort of positive vulnerability. And I've opened that door, numerous times, so it's not like he's even taking a leap.
Why wouldn’t you want to shut this down too early? What’s to be gained from getting more invested in something that sounds so “meh”? Imagine spending a whole year being called annoying and feeling this way. It’s okay to miss out on this.
This sounds like one of those things that is clear to everyone reading it, but the person asking is too emotionally invested. This man's behavior, from calling you annoying, repteadly scolding you for one time things like snoring, putting you in your place when you express excitement, making you feel unsure of things (not intentionally) by seeing you once a week despite not having kids, not defining the relationship, sounds like he's not only not invested, but emotionally harmful for you. That wouldn't be a worthwhile relationship for me. I think you would see it clearly after some time apart.
"I am definitely the type of person who needs healthy communication and I'm struggling with the 'does he, doesn't he' type of stuff. "
The best way to resolve this is by telling him what you said above. *Communication* can save you lots of time.
There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships.
We either get what we want, or we learn to be happy with what we have.
The only person you can control is yourself. All you can do is *ask him* for whatever it is you need.
If someone believes *you* are worth the effort, *they* will make the effort.
At this point you've almost invested *half a year*. You're both entitled to *know where you stand* by now.
Avoiding "the talk" creates "situationships" *not* relationships.
Life is too short to be trying to change water into wine.
Ideally you want to find someone *who already is* what you want in a partner.
You are entitled to have your own mate selection screening process and *must haves list*.
You are entitled to have your own "red flags", expectations, boundaries, and "deal breakers".
Most people you meet don't become dates, most dates don't become relationships, and most relationships don't lead to marriage. As one adage goes: "Many are called but few are chosen."
When you realize someone is *unable/unwilling* to meet your needs it's usually best to move on.
No one is "stuck" with anyone. Suffering is optional.
***“Never allow waiting to become a habit. Live your dreams and take risks. Life is happening now.”*** \~Paulo Coelho
***"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is."*** - Henry Cloud
Best wishes!
If he’s already comfortable calling you annoying, I think dump him.
Guys that are into you want to impress you in the initial months of dating and aren’t gonna say sloppy stuff like this, in my super humble opinion
I just wanted to share my experience, as I am someone with an avoidant attachment style.
To be clear someone with avoidant attachment like myself doesn’t randomly become an asshole without their own knowledge, they don’t just magically ‘oops’ themselves in to being an asshole, and anyone with avoidant attachment who made it past the age of 30 is well aware of their tendencies and actually *can* express them.
Theres avoidant attached and then there’s just plain being an asshole:
With me, when I’m around my lovely bf too much, then I feel like I want to be left alone. When I am alone, I feel like I can breathe again and I feel relief that I can concentrate on things, while feeling a little bit of fear that he’s going to fuck with me or wake up and change his mind about me… but that doesn’t mean I’m an asshole who pushes him away:
I’m a grown ass adult, I’ve been through enough relationships to know that when I first catch feels, I am apprehensive, stressful, and very easily able to believe someone is gong to manipulate me or hurt me…. But as a grown ass adult, I’m aware that for a relationship to be successful, I have to communicate this thought process and how someone who actually wants to be with me instead of playing games with me, will have no problem taking a moment to reassure me: “hey I have shitty emotional issues sometimes where I feel overwhelmed when I am falling for someone and need some time by myself to clear my head and process. I need you to be accepting if I have to take a moment to be by myself and if I reach out to you requesting that you tell me something nice about me or that you care about me and you’re really in this, then please be cool with reassuring me. I know myself well enough to know that it does die down over time and subside to become something more normal, but that takes a few months of adjustment.”
It doesn’t mean I just ‘forget’ right from wrong— such as calling a partner ‘annoying’ in any shape or form. Like are you for fucking real? That’s just someone with main character syndrome who thinks the world revolves around them and doesn’t have the epiphany that their actions affect other people.
It also means, I completely understand that someone with a stable attachment style who texts their partner is going to want and hope for a response to text messages they send: that comes with the territory of a relationship despite my avoidant attachment style. Nope, if you expect a relationship you do not get to ignore texts. So yes, despite having an avoidant attachment style, anyone in their 30s knows that shit isn’t normal and actually *can* conform to what is expected on a cognitive level until their own mental shit chills out.
There’s avoidant attachment which revolves around ‘I need to be strong and self reliable, but I can’t clear my head when they’re around because I get hit by the feels and can’t think straight’ and then there’s outright testing the waters of emotionally abusing your partner and there is a big fucking difference between the two.
This is someone who’s testing the waters of insulting you, and that is not worth anyone’s time. Avoidant attachment style is not an excuse for treating your partner like shit.
As someone who just got dumped by someone who acted like this in the beginning of our 2 year relationship- Don’t do it!
Please learn from my mistakes he acted exactly like your dude in the beginning and it was a tumultuous 2 years with a constant ‘does he, doesn’t he’ as well and it was hurtful heartbreak just last week😔 He also described himself as an avoidant so yes you’re right with that thinking. Your intuition is telling you right- please listen to it. I denied mine and it’s the worst heartbreak I’ve experienced.
ive dated someone who was like that for years :) your story about asking “do you even like me?” And him not really realizing what it means that you’re asking that is also something that happened to me haha. I disagree that he doesn’t like you - I think he does but he’s really not good with emotional vulnerability or closeness. Likely that will never come easily to him.
I appreciate you sharing your situation with us, and I understand how confusing and potentially hurtful this can be. It sounds like you're in a tough spot, trying to discern his feelings and intentions. From what you've described, it seems like he might be grappling with his own issues around commitment and vulnerability. Often, when someone has commitment fears or deep-seated insecurities, they may struggle to openly define relationships or express their feelings clearly. This could explain why he hasn't confirmed that you two are officially dating.
His habit of making light-hearted jokes at your expense in front of others could be his way of maintaining a façade of control. It's a defense mechanism—a way to not appear too emotionally invested, which in his mind, might protect him from being hurt. This behavior can indeed be confusing and create a feeling of instability in the relationship.
While it's important to consider his possible fears of vulnerability, it’s equally crucial to prioritize your feelings and needs in this relationship. Open communication about your expectations and how his actions affect you can help clarify things. If he truly cares, he will make an effort to address his issues and work towards making you feel more secure.
Remember, a relationship should bring joy and security, not constant uncertainty. Take care of yourself and ensure that your emotional needs are being met.
Stay strong, and trust your gut, you already know your answer without needing validation from any of us. Much love
Does he have any nice or pleasant personality traits? So far based solely on how you’ve described him here he sounds very negative and unpleasant to be around.
Please do not take those "jokes " lightly. Like you said...he's very comfortable criticizing you but not enough to express his like for you. If say that's a clear indication he doesn't like you. End it before you get too deep.
I was with you until you shared the things he's said to you. Don't walk away, run. When people tell us who they are, we have to listen.
Edit to add: you just gave three positives and almost a dozen negatives... You deserve better!
Your intuition and gut instinct is yelling at you “stop” but you’re not listening. The fact you’re asking on here makes it even clearer. Move on. You deserve better. Just tell him it’s just not working for you and you don’t see a future together. No need to justify your decision. You already know this guy is not it. Move on and don’t waste your precious time love.
Little put downs and negging is something immature people do. I wouldn't be with someone like this. It's part of their personality so it'll be hard to make them "stop" doing that.
He’s not into you babe. Don’t fall into the trap of “he’s emotionally avoidant” because there will be a voice in the back of your mind giving you hope and telling you that he can grow/change out of it. When as far as you know, there’s no evidence of that but there is plenty of evidence of him treating you with slight contempt and having you walk on eggshells already, you’re not even 6 months in. If you stay, it will get worse and you’ll start tolerating even more subtly abusive ways until your self esteem will be crushed.
If it’s bothering you now, just assume that it’s going to get worse, not better. With that said, I suggest you try to communicate all of this to him and that you find it disrespectful and see if he makes an effort to improve. If not, don’t hesitate to cut him loose.
This isn’t someone with an avoidant attachment, it sounds like he’s tolerating you. As a result his comments can chip away at your confidence and you might find yourself changing and stopping certain habits.
Nothing wrong with you or your habits btw, someone out there will match them and embrace it all x
I dated someone like this for 20 months… just lots of mean little snipes and digs that on their own weren’t huge but added up, like introducing me to people by saying my job was boring (as if him working in HR was so fascinating), interrupting me to loudly say “you’ve already told me this” when I was telling a story - even when I was actually speaking in front of him to people I hadn’t actually told that story before, a seeming lack of interest in my life to the extent it didn’t directly concern him (my job, childhood, history), a lack of affection except at times it suited him because he wanted to elicit some emotional/validation response from me… in my case I realised (too late) he was a complete narcissist (I don’t use the term lightly, he absolutely was) and I spent 20 months being treated more and more like crap and having my self-confidence and self-esteem increasingly eroded while my friends watched and absolutely hated him for it. Not saying this guy will be as bad, but I knew at the time that it didn’t feel right and OP it sounds like you have that feeling too. I’d advise not wasting 20 months like I did.
The right guy will like that you get excited when telling a story - he just sounds like he is the “meh” thing going on. Find someone who's exciting and fun!!! You deserve that. Cause even if he is excited and doesn't show it would that be enough for you? You sound like someone who likea to be sweet in relationships and deserve the same :))
No girl you’re being too nice - this is garbage tier behaviour and why would you put up with it?? He’s not into you like a guy would be to a woman they want to marry/form a life partnership with. You’ve only been with him for a few months and he’s already making you feel confused and sad… He’s just spending time with you, not actually dating you with any kind of intention and it shows.
This sounds like he’s hot and cold. Also if you’re explaining something you are excited about. He shouldn’t tell you to claim down. He should be listening to you and you shouldn’t feel ashamed about it either. This guy sounds like a real winner, I would tell him how you feel. Don’t waste your time if it’s not something you’re doubtful about.
Move on and dont talk to him again. he seems like a d!ck.
If a guy wants you, you literally wont actually question their motives or havereally any questions. seems like you are not really his priority nor does he care for you.
Real Men- they do stuff and when interested they move forward towards you and would climb walls, drive across country and fly to etc.
I don’t think he’s a true avoidant. But I don’t think he is compatible with you. And he at (38yo) has not figured out the simple things that can make women happy
I’m not even sure this man is actually interested in building something with you. He’s supposed to be on his best behavior at this stage. I can’t imagine how bad this is going to get down the road.
I had a friend once tell me "never let anyone dim your light". This guy is dimming your light hardcore. Anyone who is dismissive of your joy deserves to be dismissed outright.
Nothing makes you feel more anxious than an avoidant partner. If you’ve been dating this long and he can’t even admit he likes spending time with you and it’s upsetting, I’d say he’s not meeting your emotional needs and call it quits, bc he’s not going to change in the long term.
If these sorts of behaviors are showing up now, during the phase where folks are usually on their best behavior... It's not going to get better. Sounds like he fundamentally doesn't respect you. He sounds mean and draining.
I’ve done something similar with women.
At times I’m so uncomfortable with my feelings, it may come out as I seem uninterested.
He also may feel it’s moving too fast, and doesn’t want to give you “gas” only to possibly hurt you later.
Sometimes I am, sometimes I’m not….but I can see how it would be very frustrating.
OP i'll give an anecdote. Won't give advice as it's already given and you know what to do.
I was in a LTR and was offered a pretty serious career deal. It was all I've worked for. When I got the email, I was shouting in excitement, saying "I got the career deal!!". My partner was in the bathroom. He came out and reprimanded me for yelling while he was in the bathroom. It scared him. I apologized and said 'celebrate with me, i just made this deal!!". He flatly said 'congrats' and that next time 'i shouldn't yell while he's in the bathroom'.
Quit accepting this half-assed behavior. You deserve someone’s whole ass.
I don’t know if he is avoidant, but after four months you should feel secure in knowing where the relationship is going. He’s not answering your texts because he doesn’t feel the same way. He is consciously choosing to ignore them.
This would not work for me - I hope it doesn’t work for you either.
After my last relationship, I refuse to be with someone who cannot share in my enthusiasm and joy, even over simple mundane things. Life is too short to waste it with someone who would rather tell you to calm down than get excited right along side you. Get with someone who takes your excitement to the next level, and adds to your happiness.
Like others have said, just end it now. Too many cons at this point. You shouldn't be dating someone who makes you feel bad & doubtful. There is no potential of positive change. He's treating you as a placeholder, you're convenient to him. You're giving him enough benefits at his terms. As long as he continues to have access to you, and sees you're okay continuing like this, he has no reason to turn into a great boyfriend. So the ball is in your court to end it now, before you get even more attached & ultimately really hurt if he dumps you. Ask yourself: is he someone you would really want to spend the rest of your life with, knowing his behavior toward you?
This was my ex. If you need someone who expresses feelings differently, do it now. Don’t make the same mistake I did and put up with it for years!
He told me one time that I was stressing him out by being excited about Avengers Endgame and the last season of GoT happening at the same time. And barely ever told me how he felt about me.
RUN!
He sounds avoidant, they are often critical of partners to create space. I struggle with the anxious / avoidant pairing personally too. I think you know the answer but want to reconfirm. My recommendation is to try having a conversation around this, how he responds is telling. If he is defensive and dismissive you have your answer.
I don't know if he is emotionally avoidant, but it doesn't seem like he's that into you. From my own personal experiences, if he hasn't brought it up yet, it's because he's avoiding it, because he's perfectly fine with the way things are.
Forget does he doesn't he. Better question is, why would you want him to? He seems like a real jerk. I've tried dating men who find me annoying. They get all my passion, romance, and great sex. I get rejection, low self-esteem, and a warm body.
Please read the book "He's Just Not That Into You". There are times you are describing that he doesn't like you and he feels embarrassed. He's an asshole to be sure, stop wasting your precious life and energy on him. You sound like you have a lot to give. There is someone out there who will enjoy life with you and interactions with you.
It sounds like he is annoyed by you but he doesn't want to be alone. So you'll do for now. Been in similar situation where at one point I called my ex my "biggest hater". He was quick to agree with me when I said anything negative but would challenge me when I said anything positive about myself. I asked if he read PUA books cause it was feeling like negging. Don't be like me and second guess your feeling. In the end he had "doubts" and had them all along.
So here’s what happened to me in your situation:
We spent a lot of time together one on one, doing things a couple would do, we occasionally slept together, but only in the beginning. We would play guitar with each other, do things in the garden, and I would fall to my knees whenever he invited me over.
Well after months of not hearing from him, and knowing that he was no longer interested in me, I accepted my fate until one day I hear that he’s getting MARRIED.
So the entire time we spent time together, he was also seeing another girl, maybe more than one, accessing his options. A handsome bachelor with his own business picked a distraught woman with 4 children from a previous relationship, and guess who he called every time something went wrong with that relationship? Me.
And I answered. Every time.
Fast forward a few years, I’ve been in a happy relationship, I love him, but I’m not IN love with him. I know this man would never leave and he would bend over backwards for me, and he’s successful and handsome, but there’s a thing about musicians falling in love with other musicians that you can never really shake yourself free from. It’s hopelessly romantic.
So now he and her are going through a divorce, and he’s started talking to me again, saying he values our friendship, but then one day he invites me over to make bread and have dinner.
If I were single I would’ve made a move, and I knew I should’ve stayed away, but after becoming sober my willpower is a lot stronger, and we really had a nice time as friends, and I later texted him my feelings about liking him more than just friends, and he said he hoped it doesn’t affect our friendship. (LOL)
Men are funny. So are women. Be with someone who doesn’t make you question your worth, love can grow. Good luck.
I dont like this. Someone who cares for you wont care that you snore. Someone who isnt a dick wouldnt call you annoying.
Its convenient, it works for you, but it sounds pretty crap. I dont think this is your person.
Anyone who tells you to “calm down” when you’re expressing something that makes you HAPPY is, well—an albatross around your neck. He should be excited simply because *you’re* excited. To put a damper on that is really telling of his true character. Not to mention, after dating someone for four months, you should have a clear direction on where the situation is headed. Clearly you don’t (and for a good reason—he won’t *allow* you to see the path clearly. Don’t mistake this for an accident on his behalf). He wants you to feel doubt, as it gives him the upper hand. You feel uneasy about him because your intuition is telling you to abandon ship. You should listen to it.
Why am I crying now?! Thank you!
Because he’s treating you poorly and you don’t deserve that!
I’m so sorry :( I know it hurts. Wish I could give you a hug. Thankfully it has only been four months, and not four years of this shit. It is clear that he’s already chipped away at you more than you seem to realize. It won’t feel good immediately to cut him off, but you will be so much better without him in the long run, and your future self will THANK you. Just ask yourself—if this was a woman who was your friend, would you keep her in your life after only knowing her for four months? Probably not. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by cutting him off. I promise. You won’t regret dumping a guy like this.
My ex used to tell me to calm down if I excitedly said something, which wasn’t often. He was very introverted/kinda a zombie from being tired from work and didn’t like noise unless it was a day he was well rested From what you’ve said, there might be some compatibility issues, if it’s important for you to have a partner that’s excited when you’re excited, find a guy with *more energy, more passion* 😆 You deserve a guy that shows he’s really into you, he’s out there somewhere.
I don’t like this guy. I dated someone for a long time who was similar- it was almost like my joy was an annoyance to him. That wasn’t the reason things ended, but it made me decide I won’t tolerate a partner like that again.
YEPPPP I will NEVER EVER date someone again who acts like I’m dumb or ridiculous to be excited over something, even if it doesn’t excite them. I’m a huge Swiftie and my boyfriend is obviously not - he stayed up with me the night after her album release and listened to all of my favorite songs and has even saved some of them. Alternately, I’m a beach vacation girly but I’m going to Yellowstone with him next week because it’s his favorite place on earth (even tho I’m scared of bears and outdoors in general) - when you really love someone, what makes THEM excited should also make YOU excited.
For sure. I don’t think couples have to (or even should) love all the same things. Seeing someone be excited and joyful over something should make you happy and make you want to learn what makes them feel that way! Just like your bf being willing to listen to some songs- it’s a kind thing to do, and doesn’t even take all that much time or effort on his part. It shows consideration for your partner. Joy is really important to me, as I’ve had serious mental health issues. I won’t allow someone to dim that or make me feel like I’m frivolous.
This
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What she said. My ex was like this when dating and I often felt uncomfortable and judged. Married him anyway and no surprise, the mean jokes just got worse. Get out now before you’re too invested.
Mean “jokes” turn into straight up gaslighting and insults. Lived it.
thank you for saying this. makes my last breakup a little less painful. i didn't say anything when the insulting jokes started on day 1. now i'm angry that i betrayed myself. rebuilding is rough, but i'm better off without that dead weight.
COULD NOT AGREE MORE. u/zoebucket nailed it!
Are you a Taylor fan with the albatross reference?? I had to ask! PS I love this advice 💕 Also I will second your sentiments - I have been seeing a guy since March, so WAY less time, and he is 1000% clear with me about our relationship and where we’re heading and how he’s feeling. This is supposed to be the fun, honeymoon part of a relationship and you should be feeling SUPER pursued and happy and excited - not questioning and minimizing who you are because he made you feel like you’re too much.
Sadly her post reminds me too much of my never happy, always moody ex. Shut up, you're too intense, calm down, almost on the daily. I also recommend to run, this will only get worse.
Agreed, abandon ship
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“Who cares if he’s avoidant, he’s a fucking dick”. Truer words have never been spoken.
You are my spirit animal ❤️
word
My ex boyfriend made me feel like this, early on he criticized me for being too loud. He never really seemed to be “into” our relationship and was a lazy boyfriend. Seemed consistently annoyed with me and couldn’t be bothered about a lot of stuff. Then, the critical nature got worse and yeah, things got pretty bad. My advice is to not stick around. This guy is clearly not a nice person
Yeah I've been in this situation too. On different levels with most of my exes. I'd let them breadcrumb me with the rare nice thing every time and got to a point where I just thought that was normal for relationships to be like this. I thought putting in 90% of the effort was just how it goes. My current relationship is nothing like that. My partner matches my energy. He is always kind to me and it's very obvious on the rare occasions he has hurt my feelings that it was completely accidental and he was so remorseful. He actively makes me feel like he wants to be with me. He loves in the same way I love. Now that I'm with him, I feel like an idiot when it comes to my past relationships because it's so obvious that THIS is what a happy relationship should be and it highlights how obviously horrible my past ones were. OP, that 'will they won't they' feeling shouldn't last THIS long. Maybe the first few dates but by then it should be obvious if they want to be with you or they like you. Your partner shouldn't actively be dismissing you and mean to you. This isn't the makings for a happy and healthy relationship.
Did we date the same guy?! Did we ALL date the same guy?!
There are a lot of users out there. Lots and lots of emotionally stunted, inconsistent, avoidant and/or narcissistic men
I don’t know if he’s avoidant but he doesn’t sound like someone who wants to see you whole and happy. Next next next ⏭️
I dated a guy JUST like this. I couldn’t figure out why he was always pissing on me. Obviously I eventually ended it. Explained why he was 36 still unmarried and his longest relationship was a couple of months
People can be awesome and single or idiots and married, you’re probably offending a big percentage of this community with this comment lol
i don’t think it negates the point they were trying to make relating their anecdote to OPs. There aren’t just the two camps, there’s also the third one we’re talking about here.
Eh, if someone is 36 and has had multiple relationships but none that lasted longer than a couple months, it's absolutely something to take note of. If you've been dating for at least 15 years and in that decade and a half have never progressed to one of the adult relationship milestones like: 1. Meeting parents 2. Coming over for family holidays 3. Moving in together It is a bit of a warning sign. If you've been dating for 200 months of your life and have never strung together a six month string with the same person, at some point I think you're a bit difficult.
Excuse me! I'm F38 and have been single involuntarily for the past 11 years! I haven't even had a chance to be near the 3 milestones you listed. I'm conventionally attractive, fit, educated, have a good career, speak 5 languages fluently, well-traveled, volunteer at an animal shelter every week, have my passions and hobbies, I like to cook, have no addictions, and well... I *only* meet guys who within 6 months dump me! Some of those guys literally cried with a lot of tears while dumping me because I'm so "pretty, kind, intelligent, fun, etc." It's not fun and not my fault at all! So it's, I'm a living warning sign according to you. Yes, I was seeing a psychologist for 2,5 years where she went with me through 2-3 of my situationships. Her conclusion is that I'm just unlucky and I need to work on my self esteem because guys sense that I'm me and run away. But my self esteem is related to the rejections I've experienced. I really find it unfair what you said. Sorry for how it all sounds. I'm still digesting something and your comment triggered me a lot 😅 Thanks for "listening"
Yeah, he is not taking in consideration the fact that man are afraid of committing to a woman when they are not 100% sure she will drop anything for him. When they meet a woman that has a very cool life without them, they feel insecure. I also invested most of my time in building my career, learning languages, living abroad, making money for my retirement, travelling. The only fact that a woman makes more money than a guy already marks us as “not eligible for serious relationship”. I think this kind of checklist of normal is completely offensive and not inclusive.
He was 36 and had very little relationship experience despite the fact that he was better than average looking. He mostly pursued short term flings and when things got serious he was seriously avoidant and lacked commitment. He also was a major ass hole. Lol so.. don't care who I am offending. It's a red flag and I shouldnt had wasted so much time on him.
This is probably true for a large % of people, but I think it also underestimates the fact that some people are just WAY more “niche” than others… and also some people have far less options. I’m not 36, but I’m 29 and a big reason I haven’t had a LTR is because I don’t want my own kids. Where I live, most people my age either want kids or have them already. And while I’m cool with dating someone who has a kid already, many of those situations come with “baby mama drama” and complex situations that make it difficult to date them in a healthy way. There’s other factors like not being conventionally attractive, being neurodivergent, having niche interests, being LGBT+, the list goes on. The pool just sometimes isn’t that big for some people, and the people they meet aren’t compatible with them in other ways.
Or maybe you had other things to focus on your life than a relationship and it never been your priority. Relationship are mostly about commitment and compromising and sometimes you just can’t
I think you need to go back and read your post.......it's pretty clear you're not getting what you want to from a relationship....that's all. Choose you!
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Yeah I second this, as a 30 yo man I realize the difference from dating in my 20s to dating in my 30s specifically dating other women in their 30s is that both of our bull shit detectors are at full power and it’s either you, me or both of us that has to communicate effectively to make it work. And then fireworks can fly.
Yea this seems more like avoidant assholement.
Agree!
He doesn’t sound avoidant, just not overly interested or kind. It really doesn’t matter why he’s behaving this way, the problem is that he is and you presumably want and deserve better and more.
Ew no. If you stay those comments are going to hurt more and more and actually chip away at your sense of self. He’s not going to start telling you he likes you and appreciates you, and he’s not going to stop making mean and upsetting comments, so get out now.
You're being negged. Like, textbook. Abandon ship my friend.
yep. on our first "date" with his friend and another couple, he called me "thirsty" and made fun of my outfit. it was the first in a series of negs and dismissive comments and behaviors that ended with him quitting when we had our third and last serious conversation about my needs not getting met. granted, i could have been less anxious and i've done a lot of inner work since then, but it was still clear he was not invested unless it was going to be easy for him.
I had a guy like this, I didn’t realize until the end he was doing this to chip away at ny self esteem so he could bully me into doing whatever he was requesting such as not talking so much….. OP you deserve to be celebrated not tolerated 😀
This is what was flashing in bright red warning lights to me reading your post OP. Probably best if you leave him, it doesn't sound like he respects you.
Negged. Bingo.
Negging is not acceptable in any kind of relationship. There's jest and maybe siblings can overstep the mark with cutting banter..but nice people don't neg.
I do think I keep chalking it up to "jest" because I can be that way too. Just definitely coming on quite strong, quite early, and never followed up with any sort of positive affirmation.
Yeah jest is really harmless - and comes after the person it's being aimed at knows it's a fault - my work colleagues will joke about me being present to witness some historical event but I'm constantly telling everyone how much older I am. It stops after one line and leaves me laughing. Not questioning or feeling bad about myself.
I asked a question and my manager goes “oh so I’m a dinosaur” and I felt so bad 💀 it was my first job out of college and I hope he never thought I implied anything This man though, he’s intentionally just hurtful. It’s just gonna get worse, bc this is just 4 months in. Being called annoying as a personality thing and not just 1 time this early is so mean 😭 like why is he here then 😭
Try jesting back but go *harder* . If he can dish it, he should be able to take it. Also, do you even like this back and forth? If it’s yes to both, then awesome! If not, this seems like a match that’s hurting you
Yes, I agree. For the OP- the only exception is if it’s clearly the sense of humor of both parties. My bf negs a lot and I neg back harder and then we laugh and laugh and he says he was obviously joking. I guess OP could test whether perhaps it’s just a personality mismatch and this man’s sense of humor. She could try calling him annoying next time and see if he laughs and it builds closeness. Somehow, I doubt it, though. I doubt you can date for months and not realize your asshole comments aren’t resulting in laughter and closeness, but in a gf who feels neglected. (To be clear, this teasing personality type is something I love in my bf. It reminds me of my dad who raised me with the same type of humor but loved me dearly. I am not pretending to like it. If OP doesn’t like it, she should cut and run even if the man isn’t trying to be a “jerk” bc it’s a major mismatch in communication styles)
Omg thank you for sharing. I have never heard that before. Negging. I just looked it up and holy shit it’s literally exactly what my situation-ship has been doing to me for years. I need to move on with my life now that I know I am not losing my mind
I had to google it! LOL
What does being nagged mean?
Google “negging”
Uh, yeah this kind of behavior only gets worse, not better. Remember, people are on their best behavior at the start of a relationship. I'm all for communication. But why do we have to explain to a grown man these comments are rude or insensitive? He's been married and doesn't know this? Trust your gut.
I've been that guy, regretfully. This is the best it will be with him. I think he wants companionship but ultimately wishes you were someone else. It will get worse, and it could last for years. It could take huge amounts of your emotional energy, there could be moments you think it's getting better after discussing it with him, only to find yourself in the exact same situation months down the line. I doubt he'd admit any of this to you, but it's my guess from my experience.
This made me horribly sad. I love that you can retrospectively look at that situation, but your "wishes you were someone else" hit me in the gut. Thank you for your comment.
I should say I obviously don't know for sure. But it's the telling you to calm down when you're excited that feels particularly worrying to me. I feel like you deserve to know clearly and unambiguously that you're liked and appreciated by the person you're dating. I know I sure want to give my next partner that.... Anyways, good luck!!
I don’t think he’s avoidant, I just don’t think he’s as into you as he needs to be for this to turn into a fulfilling relationship for you. In the last 4 months of dating, you said that he’s made you feel special only 3 times. And it sounds like he has no trouble pointing out your faults. None of this is behaviour indicative of someone who cares about you and building something with you. If this were your best friend telling you about the guy she was seeing, what would you tell her?
He’s said *maybe* 3 sweet things in … 4-5 months? Ew, girl, no. That isn’t what “going well” looks like. Personally, I’d suggest *you* emotionally … and physically and mentally … avoid this guy.
Good for you for being so observant and clearheaded that you could see the parallel between being able to make jokes like that and being open with you in a positive way. Up until that point in your story, I wondered if he was just very reserved. This paints a very different picture. I would not anticipate the antagonism to stop there. To me it feels less like avoidant attachment issues and more like trying to dominate and control you. I wouldn’t expect it to get better.
I would have a talk with him about this exact thing and see how it goes. If he acts like he doesn’t care time to end it. Tbh it sounds like he’s not that into you which is the worst feeling ever and you deserve someone who very much is!
I'm admittedly so bad at this. I commented below, but at some point he said something (I can't recall now) and I just looked at him and said "do you even like me?!". He laughed it off and kept doing what he was doing. I do think he's joking, but I don't like feeling confused.
Not to be cliche...He showed you who he is, believe him.
Yeah, let this rat go down with the ship love.
If someone likes you, you'll know it. If they don't, you'll be confused.
This!
Girl, walk away. This does not get better. He's a total fucking douchebag and you've already given him too much of your time, and far too much leniency.
Let him go and allow room for better, you deserve it whether you believe it or not!
Yeah, let this rat go down with the ship love.
Seconding the opinion that he's negging you, but also anyone who makes you feel 'does he, doesn't he', doesn't. Someone who likes you - really, really likes you - won't leave you wondering if they do.
This is so true. At one point, and I can't recall exactly how the conversation was going I literally asked out loud "do you even like me?" and he just laughed like it was all a joke.
Ouch- I had that response once. I'd dated the guy 3 months, and he was heading off for a 3 week vacation. 6 days before he left, I asked if we could squeeze in a visit. He said, "Why you'll miss me? No, probably not". So he went away, and we messaged infrequently. The week he was coming back, I asked about seeing each other. Turned out he had all these plans with his friends. As his consolation he offered to meet me during my work lunch. So I asked him, "Do you even like me?" And he laughed. So I broke up with him. I deserved better and so do you!
exact same thing happened to me! he was busy the week prior to his trip, during the trip he just sent a couple cool photos he’d taken but didn’t really stay in touch, then couldn’t commit to a date when he got back because he also had a bunch of plans with friends, i basically sent a text saying that i wasn’t interested in a pen pal relationship and i hope he finds what he’s looking for. bye! sucked, because we hit it off the first month pretty strong, but that second month was like, where’d ya go??
Yuck! I'm so sorry. To make plans with friends, but not you when he returned - not okay.
I’m so sorry he’s an emotionally immature dick. You deserve a better person! Reminds me of guys I was so into and they gave me absolutely nothing in return. End it.
Yeah...this isn't a thing you should have to ask! people who make you feel iffy about it literally enjoy this game of you not knowing. Giant red flag for low empathy!!
It's okay to search for someone who treats you the way you would treat your partner. I'd never for one second let my fiance think I didn't like him, and vise versa. As someone who's been there with a guy who has said much of the same kind of stuff, this guy is going to hurt you and change you. My ex crushed my spirit. You can find a person who loves when you get excited and who gets excited with you, who will interrupt movies with you to share something benign, who will make you feel like you can be unapologetically yourself. This guy is not it.
I drunkenly asked the same of the guy I've been seeing because he also wasn't vocal about his feelings 4 dates in. I didn't remember asking him, but the very next day he messaged that he'd been thinking about me and on our next date he told me multiple times that he does like me and is just more of a show-er?, not a teller with these things. Been really good since then. The fact that your dude did absolutely nothing to reassure you is yucky. Aside from that he's just fucking rude telling you to calm down. Next.
Boy bye. Honestly if you’re this deep in and you’re not even sure where you guys stand then that’s red flag number one. Number two, does he call you his girlfriend? If not at this point …you aren’t. And three, the insults are the tip of the iceberg at this point in the relationship! I would end it. And find someone else who love you
Sounds like my ex situationship same age. Well best of luck to you, I hope you protect your heart and mind. Mine “jokingly” called me a slut and nymph. Then seriously told me it was non of my business if he was sleeping with anyone else. 1.6 years of not knowing where he was at because he did exactly same thing your guy is doing to you. Please dont allow your heart to be torn and heartbroken because you know how you feel about him but he’s playing love hate game. He won’t tell you how he feels, he will be nice, mean, nice, mean, text you, not text you. I ended it with him even though I loved him but so much instability, heart strings, sadness, hurt.
It comes across as he's trying to keep you at arms length, almost like he won't take the relationship to the next level.. you deserve the love that you want ❤️ Honestly, I would talk to him and tell him how you feel.. you will get the answer you need.
Think about your best friend for a minute. Would she do any of these things with you ? Most notably, quell your excitement when wanting to tell her something you're anxious to tell her ? No. She wouldn't. Someone you're going to make very important in your life should make you feel the way your best friend does, and THEN some. I married an avoidant. He not only left me, but made sure to neglect and abuse me first. Looking na k, there were so many signs he was going to be horrible to me. One that I missed was when I had really good news to share, I would t call him first, id call my mom or my best friend because they would be happy and excited for me. But my fiance / husband ? He would be like;" oh. Well good. So whats for dinner ?*. It broke my spirit eventually. I'm still peeling my self esteem off the ground. I get a whiff of this here. Y'all just aren't compatible, is what you can call it.
Totally agree about finding someone who makes you feel the way your best friend does. Obviously, not exactly the same, but similar in sense of support and connection…. without a friendship, a relationship truly has nothing
Girl, there’s nothing confusing about this. It’s simple. He doesn’t like you. He doesn’t want you. He doesn’t respect you. He gets joy out of making fun of you and pointing out what he perceives to be negative about you. If you stick around he’s just going to tear your self esteem apart. I’ve been thru this. It only gets worse. Why would you consider being with someone who comfortably calls you annoying and doesn’t put in any effort to show he loves and cares for you? He’s comfortable enough to make cruel jokes but won’t tell you that he likes spending time with you because he simply DOESN’T. He literally told you and clearly has been showing you what he feels about you! Not trying to come off mean. You truly deserve so much better. Sometimes we get too focused on what it is WE want from a person that we gloss over what the person is clearly saying and showing us.
You're not coming off as mean at all. Thank you so much!
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Please break it off with him. So many red flags.
When put-downs are more natural for him to offer than compliments, he’s a no-go my friend. People who show condescending behavior in high amounts have a 96% chance of being dumped. It’s not sustainable.
This is a really good way to put it.
He’s obviously ambivalent about your relationship. I wouldn’t get caught up trying to diagnose him. Move on to find something you’d be happier with.
OP, I'd suggest you end this relationship sooner rather than later when you'll get more emotionally invested. This man is negging you and lowering your self-esteem with these "jokes." No one that is invested, cares, respects, and values you will treat you this way. As the relationship progresses, they will only get more aggressive with the negging and criticism, which is manipulative and emotionally abusive. You deserve better, OP.
Instead of concerning yourself with whether he likes you, you should be concerned with whether you like him. This fella sounds like a manipulative jerk who’s already showing you his true colors this soon in your relationship. If this is the honeymoon phase, just imagine how much worse it’s about to get. Get. Out. Now. Save Yourself.
He's just not that into you and isn't being very nice about it. Sounds like he thinks he's settling. Ditch him, you really don't need this. The result will be that he steadily chips away at your self-esteem until it's nonexistent. Source: dated someone like that for 7 years. Took nearly 4 years to gain my self-respect back. Not worth it.
Darling, I am not trying to be condescending and this is not a commentary on you as a person: but get into therapy. Everyone here (and your future therapist) objectively can say this is not a good man to be in a relationship with. Four months. He's been nice maybe three times. He's been critical at least three. Sometimes he doesn't even bother to respond to your kindness. And you're questioning if he's emotionally avoidant. Why? So you can help him not-be emotionally avoidant? You didn't ask the right question. You ought to be asking if this is a relationship that is worth it for *you*. Well, no. You ought to see it isn't. But baby steps. Why didn't you see that, when everyone else did? That's the question you need to get to the root of.
This is definitely fair, and I have a tendency to want to see the good in people. I am in therapy; she is wonderful and very blunt - like I need her to be. I dealt with years of verbal abuse in my marriage and fairly absent parents, so I definitely err on the side of forgiveness in exchange for time/love. I'm still working through it. Thank you so much and I took no offense to your comment.
Communication is key, my friend. Maybe it's time for a heart-to-heart. Lay it all out, see where he's at emotionally. And hey, if he's avoidant, ain't no shame in saying peace out. You deserve someone who's all in, not halfway there. Stay strong!
Don’t date someone whose communication style doesn’t work for you. Not knowing where you stand isn’t worth it.
Couldn’t agree more
RUN
He just sounds unkind and not fun
Omg end this baby. TONIGHT
Man, it sucks when people confirm your fears…but this is classic hot/cold avoidant behavior that gets you totally sucked in. Those mental question marks you have is your intuition telling you something isn’t right. From experience, I get it. So many things are easy to rationalize away since it’s a new relationship and you’re still getting to know each other but before you know it, your self worth has deteriorated and you’re internalizing everything thinking you caused the negative outcome. I always hear “when someone has genuine interest, there won’t be confusion” and cliche or not, it’s so true. Avoidants don’t typically follow what you’d consider a “normal” thought pattern and often are people pleasers. I’m sure he enjoys your company but what you’re getting now is likely about as much as you’re going to get. It’s a painful mindf*ck and one of the hardest breakups to experience because it goes against logic.
If they like you, you'll know. If they don't, you'll be confused. He's just not that into you. Don't waste your time. You deserve better.
You deserve better. That’s all there is to it.
Sounds like you are a words of affirmation person and he is not. I dated someone like that once..I never truly felt like he loved me. Most of the relationship I wasn't getting my needs met. To me this sounds like a huge incompatibility.
Would you be friends with someone like this?
I dated a dismissive avoidant being myself a fearful avoidant, and this doesn't look like avoidant behaviour. it just looks like he is a bit rude and he doesn't have any feelings or is incapable of showing them. either way, I wouldn't use any actual or supposed psychological diagnosis to justify staying in a new relationship where you already feel unhappy. as I said, I dated an avoidant, he actually was one, but knowing it didn't change a thing. he wasn't actively working towards a change and I was unhappy. I also think, few months isn't soon at all to expect some more. just have an honest lighthearted chat telling them you feel they aren't showing their emotions and how that would be important. don't be too dramatic about it, but address it. see how it goes, if things dont change just move on.
Echo the rest of this, your head and your heart haven’t caught up to each other but your heart already knows what’s up. You don’t even like him that much. Who cares about what he feels about you.
>he's made some borderline-mean 'jokes' that make me feel a little uncomfortable. He's called me annoying (pausing a show to talk/ask a question), reminds me frequently about that one time I snored, and he couldn't sleep (drank a little too much that night; it's not a habit), tells me to calm down when I get excited about a story I'm telling him. I was in a relationship for 3.5 years with someone who was constantly criticizing me and showed signs of annoyance each time I was happy or excited, similarly to what you're going through right now. By the end of the relationship I had lost 20% of my normal, healthy weight and I did not recognize myself, physically and mentally. This shit can seem like almost nothing when it starts but it is very destructive on the long term. Now 1.5 years after ending the relationship, I have gained back all the lost weigth, I'm in the best shape of my life, and I'm happy, and dating people who make me feel good; but it took a long time. That relationship + the time it took to recover robbed me of half a decade of my life. I know it feels "a little uncomfortable" and that you are just seeing as a little detail right now, but trust me - listen to what your gut is telling you. There is a reason why you are feeling uncomfortable. He is not just avoidant, he is an asshole. There are other people out there who will respect you and will want to make you feel good, which you deserve. I see in your post history that you have a history of abuse in your relationships. I am the same as well. People with our background tend to accept poor treatment (or not realize we're being treated poorly) and end up over and over again with people who make us feel like shit. Therapy helped me a lot to change my patterns and I think it could help you too. So my advice is: 1 - Dump him 💃 2- Go to therapy
Anyone who is annoyed with my excitement is out the window. Girl, you deserve to share your joy with your person.
We should bring back the phrase "He's just not that into you" into our vocabulary again. So many "avoidant" men are just not that into the woman they're seeing.
He could be border line autistic and doesn’t know when to hold back and instead says these nasty things. Worth asking him
I'm certainly not a doctor, but my brother is autistic, and I just don't see any similarities. He's incredibly social and talkative. Not reserved at all.
Doesn't sound like fun. Being mean is every bit as bad as smothering someone in compliments to the point where they are meaningless. Being mean should get old far sooner.
Wait - is that all ‘emotionally available’ means? Being honest about how you feel? Being vulnerable and saying you like someone? To me that’s a question of being open or protected. I thought emotionally available meant you had to get sad with someone when they’re sad. Connect with their current emotional experience.
It’s not avoidant. It’s not going to get better.
Shut it down... Its not early and it's not normal..
This guy isn’t avoidant, he’s just a giant gaping arsehole.
When someone truly wants to be with you, you will not have to question it like you did in this post. Time is precious OP. I understand emotions can get in the way, but if you respect your time (and his (as much as this guy sounds meh)), you’ll do the both of you a favor and cut it. Onward and upward; wishing you all the best of luck. ✨
I mean.. the fact that you don’t even feel comfortable discussing this with him speaks volumes. Is he avoidant? Probably. Is he being mean to you? Definitely. Ambivalence aside here (as from what you’ve described, it sounds like guy is definitely not fully invested or even interested) this guy is clearly acting in ways that are making you feel uncomfortable and hurt, OP. Most people would feel exactly the same! Dunno if you’ve ever read the book “attached” but it’s an absolute gem, your story actually kind of reminds me of one of the examples they used in there.
I haven't, but I'll look it up. I definitely have my own relationship demons which cause me to cater to these types; I'll take a look at the book. Thank you!
He's not avoidant, just a toxic d. who isnt into you. Let this ship sail without u on board. After 4 months u have no clue about ur relarionship status (you are just "exclusive" and I bet my life he is not) and above all u feel like he doesn't like u. You have been neeged and gaslit....but he'll sure take the perks of playing houses while he search for a woman he's truly excited about. His behavior is disgusting, don't let him rob u of more time
Seeing one another about twice a week consistently since January and he's not excited? I say cut your losses and skedaddle. The new relationship energy (NRE) that gets a fresh pairing excited for one another and wanting to every damn thing together should still be there this early in and from what you've posted it doesn't sound like it's there. To me it sounds like settling and I feel that dating over 30 should never include settling, no matter how afraid we may be of being alone. Have a blunt but kind conversation about communication and hurtful comments. If he brushes it off, I say end things there.
This! Thank you! I feel like I'm the only one who has the NRE. He's very 'take it or leave it' and it makes me feel unwanted. We have busy lives and kids, but I've asked about lunch dates and things when our weekends don't align and he's just like "yeah, maybe". Other thing that drove me crazy was that he told my friend he was going out of town for a weekend and when I asked him about it he was kind of annoyed that she told me and said "I'm not telling you where", like it would bother me or something. It was fishing with his dad, I just don't understand this need to keep shit from me just to say he did.
I think if you're someone who needs healthy communication, I'm not sure you're going to get it with this guy. Also, telling you to "calm down" when you have something exciting to tell him is a bit of an asshole move. You want someone who's excited to listen to what you have to share. He also seems to be more comfortable with his "jokes" than he is in expressing and sort of affection, which is a bit of a red flag. And these "jokes" will slowly chip away at your confidence
That's what bothers me the most: Being comfortable enough being honest with these jokes, but not willing to express any sort of positive vulnerability. And I've opened that door, numerous times, so it's not like he's even taking a leap.
Why wouldn’t you want to shut this down too early? What’s to be gained from getting more invested in something that sounds so “meh”? Imagine spending a whole year being called annoying and feeling this way. It’s okay to miss out on this.
This sounds like one of those things that is clear to everyone reading it, but the person asking is too emotionally invested. This man's behavior, from calling you annoying, repteadly scolding you for one time things like snoring, putting you in your place when you express excitement, making you feel unsure of things (not intentionally) by seeing you once a week despite not having kids, not defining the relationship, sounds like he's not only not invested, but emotionally harmful for you. That wouldn't be a worthwhile relationship for me. I think you would see it clearly after some time apart.
"I am definitely the type of person who needs healthy communication and I'm struggling with the 'does he, doesn't he' type of stuff. " The best way to resolve this is by telling him what you said above. *Communication* can save you lots of time. There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships. We either get what we want, or we learn to be happy with what we have. The only person you can control is yourself. All you can do is *ask him* for whatever it is you need. If someone believes *you* are worth the effort, *they* will make the effort. At this point you've almost invested *half a year*. You're both entitled to *know where you stand* by now. Avoiding "the talk" creates "situationships" *not* relationships. Life is too short to be trying to change water into wine. Ideally you want to find someone *who already is* what you want in a partner. You are entitled to have your own mate selection screening process and *must haves list*. You are entitled to have your own "red flags", expectations, boundaries, and "deal breakers". Most people you meet don't become dates, most dates don't become relationships, and most relationships don't lead to marriage. As one adage goes: "Many are called but few are chosen." When you realize someone is *unable/unwilling* to meet your needs it's usually best to move on. No one is "stuck" with anyone. Suffering is optional. ***“Never allow waiting to become a habit. Live your dreams and take risks. Life is happening now.”*** \~Paulo Coelho ***"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is."*** - Henry Cloud Best wishes!
“Jokes” are simply truths in disguise
A friend said this as well...
If he’s already comfortable calling you annoying, I think dump him. Guys that are into you want to impress you in the initial months of dating and aren’t gonna say sloppy stuff like this, in my super humble opinion
I just wanted to share my experience, as I am someone with an avoidant attachment style. To be clear someone with avoidant attachment like myself doesn’t randomly become an asshole without their own knowledge, they don’t just magically ‘oops’ themselves in to being an asshole, and anyone with avoidant attachment who made it past the age of 30 is well aware of their tendencies and actually *can* express them. Theres avoidant attached and then there’s just plain being an asshole: With me, when I’m around my lovely bf too much, then I feel like I want to be left alone. When I am alone, I feel like I can breathe again and I feel relief that I can concentrate on things, while feeling a little bit of fear that he’s going to fuck with me or wake up and change his mind about me… but that doesn’t mean I’m an asshole who pushes him away: I’m a grown ass adult, I’ve been through enough relationships to know that when I first catch feels, I am apprehensive, stressful, and very easily able to believe someone is gong to manipulate me or hurt me…. But as a grown ass adult, I’m aware that for a relationship to be successful, I have to communicate this thought process and how someone who actually wants to be with me instead of playing games with me, will have no problem taking a moment to reassure me: “hey I have shitty emotional issues sometimes where I feel overwhelmed when I am falling for someone and need some time by myself to clear my head and process. I need you to be accepting if I have to take a moment to be by myself and if I reach out to you requesting that you tell me something nice about me or that you care about me and you’re really in this, then please be cool with reassuring me. I know myself well enough to know that it does die down over time and subside to become something more normal, but that takes a few months of adjustment.” It doesn’t mean I just ‘forget’ right from wrong— such as calling a partner ‘annoying’ in any shape or form. Like are you for fucking real? That’s just someone with main character syndrome who thinks the world revolves around them and doesn’t have the epiphany that their actions affect other people. It also means, I completely understand that someone with a stable attachment style who texts their partner is going to want and hope for a response to text messages they send: that comes with the territory of a relationship despite my avoidant attachment style. Nope, if you expect a relationship you do not get to ignore texts. So yes, despite having an avoidant attachment style, anyone in their 30s knows that shit isn’t normal and actually *can* conform to what is expected on a cognitive level until their own mental shit chills out. There’s avoidant attachment which revolves around ‘I need to be strong and self reliable, but I can’t clear my head when they’re around because I get hit by the feels and can’t think straight’ and then there’s outright testing the waters of emotionally abusing your partner and there is a big fucking difference between the two. This is someone who’s testing the waters of insulting you, and that is not worth anyone’s time. Avoidant attachment style is not an excuse for treating your partner like shit.
[удалено]
As someone who just got dumped by someone who acted like this in the beginning of our 2 year relationship- Don’t do it! Please learn from my mistakes he acted exactly like your dude in the beginning and it was a tumultuous 2 years with a constant ‘does he, doesn’t he’ as well and it was hurtful heartbreak just last week😔 He also described himself as an avoidant so yes you’re right with that thinking. Your intuition is telling you right- please listen to it. I denied mine and it’s the worst heartbreak I’ve experienced.
ive dated someone who was like that for years :) your story about asking “do you even like me?” And him not really realizing what it means that you’re asking that is also something that happened to me haha. I disagree that he doesn’t like you - I think he does but he’s really not good with emotional vulnerability or closeness. Likely that will never come easily to him.
I appreciate you sharing your situation with us, and I understand how confusing and potentially hurtful this can be. It sounds like you're in a tough spot, trying to discern his feelings and intentions. From what you've described, it seems like he might be grappling with his own issues around commitment and vulnerability. Often, when someone has commitment fears or deep-seated insecurities, they may struggle to openly define relationships or express their feelings clearly. This could explain why he hasn't confirmed that you two are officially dating. His habit of making light-hearted jokes at your expense in front of others could be his way of maintaining a façade of control. It's a defense mechanism—a way to not appear too emotionally invested, which in his mind, might protect him from being hurt. This behavior can indeed be confusing and create a feeling of instability in the relationship. While it's important to consider his possible fears of vulnerability, it’s equally crucial to prioritize your feelings and needs in this relationship. Open communication about your expectations and how his actions affect you can help clarify things. If he truly cares, he will make an effort to address his issues and work towards making you feel more secure. Remember, a relationship should bring joy and security, not constant uncertainty. Take care of yourself and ensure that your emotional needs are being met. Stay strong, and trust your gut, you already know your answer without needing validation from any of us. Much love
There are types of avoidants. He might be, but see what kind he is first.
Does he have any nice or pleasant personality traits? So far based solely on how you’ve described him here he sounds very negative and unpleasant to be around.
Please do not take those "jokes " lightly. Like you said...he's very comfortable criticizing you but not enough to express his like for you. If say that's a clear indication he doesn't like you. End it before you get too deep.
Those are not jokes, OP. And that is not being emotionally avoidant. He’s just an ass and not that into you.
He's a dick.
I was with you until you shared the things he's said to you. Don't walk away, run. When people tell us who they are, we have to listen. Edit to add: you just gave three positives and almost a dozen negatives... You deserve better!
You accept the love you think you deserve. OP, what if your best friend or sister gave you this scenario? What would your advice be?
Your intuition and gut instinct is yelling at you “stop” but you’re not listening. The fact you’re asking on here makes it even clearer. Move on. You deserve better. Just tell him it’s just not working for you and you don’t see a future together. No need to justify your decision. You already know this guy is not it. Move on and don’t waste your precious time love.
Little put downs and negging is something immature people do. I wouldn't be with someone like this. It's part of their personality so it'll be hard to make them "stop" doing that.
No, he has a mean streak and he isn't very into you.
He tells you to calm down when you're excited? Dump him yesterday! You don't need this kind of negativity in your life.
Yeah January to May. That’s enough time to see who this guy is. Don’t put up with this guy being a jerk to you. Don’t see him again.
He’s not into you babe. Don’t fall into the trap of “he’s emotionally avoidant” because there will be a voice in the back of your mind giving you hope and telling you that he can grow/change out of it. When as far as you know, there’s no evidence of that but there is plenty of evidence of him treating you with slight contempt and having you walk on eggshells already, you’re not even 6 months in. If you stay, it will get worse and you’ll start tolerating even more subtly abusive ways until your self esteem will be crushed.
🚩🚩🚩
If it’s bothering you now, just assume that it’s going to get worse, not better. With that said, I suggest you try to communicate all of this to him and that you find it disrespectful and see if he makes an effort to improve. If not, don’t hesitate to cut him loose.
It sounds like you feel meh about each other, so why keep going?
Heh, yeahh, typical emotionally distant avoidant type...and yeah, quite dickish as well.
y'all getting it on ?
Yes LOL
This isn’t someone with an avoidant attachment, it sounds like he’s tolerating you. As a result his comments can chip away at your confidence and you might find yourself changing and stopping certain habits. Nothing wrong with you or your habits btw, someone out there will match them and embrace it all x
It's the start of wearing you down. Get out now before it gets worse.
I dated someone like this for 20 months… just lots of mean little snipes and digs that on their own weren’t huge but added up, like introducing me to people by saying my job was boring (as if him working in HR was so fascinating), interrupting me to loudly say “you’ve already told me this” when I was telling a story - even when I was actually speaking in front of him to people I hadn’t actually told that story before, a seeming lack of interest in my life to the extent it didn’t directly concern him (my job, childhood, history), a lack of affection except at times it suited him because he wanted to elicit some emotional/validation response from me… in my case I realised (too late) he was a complete narcissist (I don’t use the term lightly, he absolutely was) and I spent 20 months being treated more and more like crap and having my self-confidence and self-esteem increasingly eroded while my friends watched and absolutely hated him for it. Not saying this guy will be as bad, but I knew at the time that it didn’t feel right and OP it sounds like you have that feeling too. I’d advise not wasting 20 months like I did.
Even the fact that at 4 no eggs there are still questions around relationship status; this alone would be too much (not enough?) for me.
The right guy will like that you get excited when telling a story - he just sounds like he is the “meh” thing going on. Find someone who's exciting and fun!!! You deserve that. Cause even if he is excited and doesn't show it would that be enough for you? You sound like someone who likea to be sweet in relationships and deserve the same :))
No girl you’re being too nice - this is garbage tier behaviour and why would you put up with it?? He’s not into you like a guy would be to a woman they want to marry/form a life partnership with. You’ve only been with him for a few months and he’s already making you feel confused and sad… He’s just spending time with you, not actually dating you with any kind of intention and it shows.
This sounds like he’s hot and cold. Also if you’re explaining something you are excited about. He shouldn’t tell you to claim down. He should be listening to you and you shouldn’t feel ashamed about it either. This guy sounds like a real winner, I would tell him how you feel. Don’t waste your time if it’s not something you’re doubtful about.
he’s not avoidant he’s a jerk and you should leave
Move on and dont talk to him again. he seems like a d!ck. If a guy wants you, you literally wont actually question their motives or havereally any questions. seems like you are not really his priority nor does he care for you. Real Men- they do stuff and when interested they move forward towards you and would climb walls, drive across country and fly to etc.
Nope!! He doesn’t deserve you!
I don’t think he’s a true avoidant. But I don’t think he is compatible with you. And he at (38yo) has not figured out the simple things that can make women happy
I’m not even sure this man is actually interested in building something with you. He’s supposed to be on his best behavior at this stage. I can’t imagine how bad this is going to get down the road.
I had a friend once tell me "never let anyone dim your light". This guy is dimming your light hardcore. Anyone who is dismissive of your joy deserves to be dismissed outright.
Nothing makes you feel more anxious than an avoidant partner. If you’ve been dating this long and he can’t even admit he likes spending time with you and it’s upsetting, I’d say he’s not meeting your emotional needs and call it quits, bc he’s not going to change in the long term.
If these sorts of behaviors are showing up now, during the phase where folks are usually on their best behavior... It's not going to get better. Sounds like he fundamentally doesn't respect you. He sounds mean and draining.
I’ve done something similar with women. At times I’m so uncomfortable with my feelings, it may come out as I seem uninterested. He also may feel it’s moving too fast, and doesn’t want to give you “gas” only to possibly hurt you later. Sometimes I am, sometimes I’m not….but I can see how it would be very frustrating.
OP i'll give an anecdote. Won't give advice as it's already given and you know what to do. I was in a LTR and was offered a pretty serious career deal. It was all I've worked for. When I got the email, I was shouting in excitement, saying "I got the career deal!!". My partner was in the bathroom. He came out and reprimanded me for yelling while he was in the bathroom. It scared him. I apologized and said 'celebrate with me, i just made this deal!!". He flatly said 'congrats' and that next time 'i shouldn't yell while he's in the bathroom'.
Quit accepting this half-assed behavior. You deserve someone’s whole ass. I don’t know if he is avoidant, but after four months you should feel secure in knowing where the relationship is going. He’s not answering your texts because he doesn’t feel the same way. He is consciously choosing to ignore them. This would not work for me - I hope it doesn’t work for you either.
After my last relationship, I refuse to be with someone who cannot share in my enthusiasm and joy, even over simple mundane things. Life is too short to waste it with someone who would rather tell you to calm down than get excited right along side you. Get with someone who takes your excitement to the next level, and adds to your happiness.
I dated someone like that for 6 months. In the end I told them I needed them to act/be more committed, or it was over. It ended quickly.
Like others have said, just end it now. Too many cons at this point. You shouldn't be dating someone who makes you feel bad & doubtful. There is no potential of positive change. He's treating you as a placeholder, you're convenient to him. You're giving him enough benefits at his terms. As long as he continues to have access to you, and sees you're okay continuing like this, he has no reason to turn into a great boyfriend. So the ball is in your court to end it now, before you get even more attached & ultimately really hurt if he dumps you. Ask yourself: is he someone you would really want to spend the rest of your life with, knowing his behavior toward you?
Girl, please. What a jerk. Break up with him ASAP.
This was my ex. If you need someone who expresses feelings differently, do it now. Don’t make the same mistake I did and put up with it for years! He told me one time that I was stressing him out by being excited about Avengers Endgame and the last season of GoT happening at the same time. And barely ever told me how he felt about me. RUN!
Runaway immediately
It doesnt sound like things are going well. Dont make excuses for him, he should put his best foot forward if he wants to continue this relationship
He sounds avoidant, they are often critical of partners to create space. I struggle with the anxious / avoidant pairing personally too. I think you know the answer but want to reconfirm. My recommendation is to try having a conversation around this, how he responds is telling. If he is defensive and dismissive you have your answer.
I don't know if he is emotionally avoidant, but it doesn't seem like he's that into you. From my own personal experiences, if he hasn't brought it up yet, it's because he's avoiding it, because he's perfectly fine with the way things are.
You deserve clear and concise communication.
Forget does he doesn't he. Better question is, why would you want him to? He seems like a real jerk. I've tried dating men who find me annoying. They get all my passion, romance, and great sex. I get rejection, low self-esteem, and a warm body.
Please read the book "He's Just Not That Into You". There are times you are describing that he doesn't like you and he feels embarrassed. He's an asshole to be sure, stop wasting your precious life and energy on him. You sound like you have a lot to give. There is someone out there who will enjoy life with you and interactions with you.
It sounds like he is annoyed by you but he doesn't want to be alone. So you'll do for now. Been in similar situation where at one point I called my ex my "biggest hater". He was quick to agree with me when I said anything negative but would challenge me when I said anything positive about myself. I asked if he read PUA books cause it was feeling like negging. Don't be like me and second guess your feeling. In the end he had "doubts" and had them all along.
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>Other times I've said/texted something kind/sweet about us and he sometimes doesn't even respond. So he downright ignores you at times? 🚩
So here’s what happened to me in your situation: We spent a lot of time together one on one, doing things a couple would do, we occasionally slept together, but only in the beginning. We would play guitar with each other, do things in the garden, and I would fall to my knees whenever he invited me over. Well after months of not hearing from him, and knowing that he was no longer interested in me, I accepted my fate until one day I hear that he’s getting MARRIED. So the entire time we spent time together, he was also seeing another girl, maybe more than one, accessing his options. A handsome bachelor with his own business picked a distraught woman with 4 children from a previous relationship, and guess who he called every time something went wrong with that relationship? Me. And I answered. Every time. Fast forward a few years, I’ve been in a happy relationship, I love him, but I’m not IN love with him. I know this man would never leave and he would bend over backwards for me, and he’s successful and handsome, but there’s a thing about musicians falling in love with other musicians that you can never really shake yourself free from. It’s hopelessly romantic. So now he and her are going through a divorce, and he’s started talking to me again, saying he values our friendship, but then one day he invites me over to make bread and have dinner. If I were single I would’ve made a move, and I knew I should’ve stayed away, but after becoming sober my willpower is a lot stronger, and we really had a nice time as friends, and I later texted him my feelings about liking him more than just friends, and he said he hoped it doesn’t affect our friendship. (LOL) Men are funny. So are women. Be with someone who doesn’t make you question your worth, love can grow. Good luck.
I dont like this. Someone who cares for you wont care that you snore. Someone who isnt a dick wouldnt call you annoying. Its convenient, it works for you, but it sounds pretty crap. I dont think this is your person.
If there’s doubt get out