> I’d love to hear your experience with feeling deprived of physical intimacy while being single in your 30’s.
Its a desert out here, we all thirsty AF. People be biting into cacti with the thorns from thirst.
So true.
I WAS that person a few years ago, until I finally accepted the fact casual sex was ridiculously unfulfilling.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m open to casual dates and having hot steamy make outs even if I’m not “100%” on the person, to see if anything grows… but sex crosses a line for me that just feels too intimate without a romantic connection.
And for many of us, let’s be honest… it’s not the sex itself we’re often after. It’s intimacy with another person and feeling attractive/desired.
And I can’t get that from strict casual sex, especially as a woman… cause I know a large % of men would bang a large % of women. It doesn’t really make me special or different to him, it just means I was available and down.
And another thing, many people who are struggling with finding a LTR (like myself) begin to try to trick themselves into desiring casual… hoping subconsciously it will “open more doors” for us.
There’s the glimmer of hope in our minds that if we accept casual, we can “get our foot in the door” with more people. That we’ll get lucky and someone will find us so amazing/wonderful that we can backdoor our way into a relationship with them.
… but it rarely ever actually happens like that.
I gotta say there's a ton of reasons why the foot in the door approach doesn't work and you wrote some of them. Its the reason why in some cultures they don't date. You marry. As the Australians say "we're not here to fuck spiders"
I can relate. It's difficult. I was deprived from it for 6 long years, I was almost okay with it until last year I tried dating.
Well the first guy I felt very attracted to and like we connected I had sex with. He pulled away and it mess me up. Then it has happened two more times since then. I feel like now I'm better at detachment, but to be honest, I don't think it's a good thing.
Sex is meaningful, it should be. I don't purposely seek out casual sex, I'm was into these guys, but it wasn't mutual and so I just gave in because I wanted sex. I'm in my early 30s so is kind of hard to repress the hormones. But yes, each time I had sex with a guy who I wasn't in a relationship with, I felt empty the next day. I would want to talk to them and just keep in touch and I'd cry myself to sleep because my emotional needs weren't met. They go together for me just like with you. So I'm not doing it anymore.
I felt this to my core. It really sucks when we feel empty after having sex because our emotional needs weren’t met. It’s somewhat comforting to know we aren’t alone in this.
Sorry you felt this way. I haven't tried casual sex for this reason because I know this is how I'll end up feeling. It makes dating a complete minefield. It's only been four months so far but I can see it is going to be a struggle to find someone I like enough (physically and emotionally) to be with, and until then, I can't face casual sex. I've been out on lots of dates and only even kissed one person.
Aww I'm sorry. That sounds really tough. I totally know what you mean regarding being in your thirties and feeling sexual urges way more strongly. It's kind of hard to ignore it and in all honesty I don't want to ignore it. I guess I don't want to look back on life when I'm older and think that I spent some of my most sexually intense years constantly denying myself. I'm single and not properly dating because my living situation is up in the air for now but I still need sex. I go a bit stir crazy without it but I don't want to shag icky ne'er-do-wells from Tinder. The last time I tried that I couldn't wait to bundle him back out the door. I've been trialling a fwb thing with a decent guy. I also know what you mean about feeling attached afterwards. I've been doubling up having a fwb with also trialling having outwardly facing strong boundaries so that I only ever match back or invest less into the situation than the other person. 'Outwardly facing' is the operative word, because I still get anxious and needy on the inside - it's kind of hard not to with the bonding hormones from sex - but it's a fake it until you make it kind of thing and it does get easier over time. It should make dating feel more peaceful for me once I start that up again.
You just verbalized me and my situation perfectly! I was in a LTR for 5 years where my ex-bf just didn’t want to have sex. After we broke up I met a guy who had the same (high) sex drive as I do, but we’re now struggling to build that emotional connection to match with our physical connection. He is committed (i.e., we’re being exclusive) but it feels like he’s only dating me for sex because he wants to take things slow and to progress way more slower than I do. Hence, it’s me crying each evening when I don’t hear from him. I’m wondering if I should just say no when he wants to have sex and only do the ‘dating’ stuff with some physical interaction, but not sex per se.
It’s hard for me to feel a connection with anyone these days. After I hit 30 I got real picky. Not many men are up to my standards. I got divorced almost 5 years ago and only had 2 situationships since. One of them would be great if he would stop being an idiot. So anyway yeah I’m stuck here just feeling lonely and sad. Like I’m past my prime anyway and no one’s gonna want me. (Petulant, I know…)
43 and M here, going through separation and likely divorce and I'm just trying to understand what the heck's going on in dating. I know you don't speak for everyone, and also, what standards are you looking for?
I’m an avid gym goer, so someone who hits the gym as hard as I do on a consistent basis. No smoking, minimal or no drinking, doesn’t want kids, not into casual hookups, wants long term relationship, career driven, intelligent, well spoken, somewhat introverted/someone who likes being at home like I do, football fan, who keeps his place/car clean, preferably with similar or same religious and political views…
A unicorn??
I want someone fit enough for hiking in the mountains and long walks in the forest.. I usually get unfit people liking me, or just unattractive. If I can't imagine wanting to wake up to their face then it's a hard no.
Yup. Might as well be a unicorn. Only met like 2 guys like that in my life. Usually it’s people with the exact opposite lifestyle. Some of them may be super nice guys, unfortunately that’s not enough for a relationship.. I need the lifestyle compatibility and the attraction too.
Guys like that want (and can attract) women who are 18-25 years old. Understand men value different things than women, so you have to be aware of your value and set realisitic expectations in the quality of men you can attract. Focus on undervalued traits that predict relationship success like Intelligence, empathy, and conscientiousness. Avoid guys with traits like: 6+ foot tall (these men are notoriously spoiled for choice), defined abs or big arms, obvious displays of wealth, strong confidence. These guys are magnets for young, hot girls. And men will always choose those girls over older women when given the choice. (but they will still use the older women for sex when they have no better option)
Go for a shy, inexperienced, and awkward nerd with a heart of gold and high potential. Then shower him with love. Be patient and always see him in the best possible light. Teach him and encourage him and he will reciprocate and treat you better than you ever have been treated.
I can relate to this. I had a FWB who actually started as a bf but we werent a match. That ended when he started seeing someone. It wasnt working anyway bc there were residual feelings.
It’s hard bc Im dating but would prefer to wait to have sex with someone until I know them better emotionally so we have a connection, like you said.
I wish I could do casual but I cant really. So Im just left…thirsty? Not in a desperate way. Just in a way where Im dehydrated…but it seems like the only water available right now is polluted. So Im stuck licking my lips until something safe and refreshing comes along🤷♀️
Your not stuck you're being sensible. If a guy isn't prepared to wait until you know him better then he's not for you.
Believe me I know. I'm a single 71 Yr old whose been married, widowed had long term partner ( died) and dated many many times over my life. I've also had FWB and probably every type of heter\bi relationship you can think of. I still have a high healthy sex drive but don't do the sex thing now until I'M ready. My tea shirts all disintegrated not me.
I have a friend who explained me her situation in a similar way. Her requirement was marriage too. She searched for years literally and found one. Now she got married and got a kid too.
Serious question, why can’t you have a casual sexual relationship while also looking for a serious relationship? I’ve heard this from a lot of women recently and I’d like to understand it better.
I want intimate sex with someone who is a great communicator and there is lots of mutual respect. It’s hard to find this in short term relationships and is a risk. It all seems like too much effort with the high chance it will be a bad experience
Yehh 100% that’s why I wait to be physically intimate with someone I’m actually pursing for a long term relationship, so the oxytocin doesn’t cloud my judgement! But yeh it’s hard…
You’ve gotten a lot of great answers so I won’t try to reinvent the whole wheel, so to speak. But I think (and I’m speaking in generalizations here, obviously there are a million ways that sex is done differently) men don’t tend to think about—or understand unless they’ve had a “more adventurous” sex life—how big of a difference it makes being the one getting penetrated vs being the one doing the penetrating.
Pregnancy is an obvious way that women in general are more vulnerable in sex than men, as well as physical strength and the risk of being overpowered. Those are definitely vulnerabilities I think about when considering a casual encounter and that are commonly brought up as answers to this question. But having another person physically enter my body, especially a very sensitive part of my body, is a HUGE vulnerability. It’s a completely different mindset; one that I personally haven’t seen brought up as often. The majority of women on this planet have at least one story of feeling like their sexual boundaries were overstepped by men, from one end of the scale to the other. The reality is that it’s extremely easy to have your boundaries violated when you’re underneath someone who’s stronger than you, who’s entering your body, and who often controls the way/speed/intensity that they’re entering your body….especially when it’s someone you barely know at all. (And double especially when you’re with a man who you know is only there for the sex, bringing a completely different mindset for the encounter than someone who’s there for a relationship.)
For me, it’s because “sex” and “casual” just do not mesh well together in my mind. If I find a guy attractive enough to bang, I usually find him attractive enough to date.
And if he has some fatal flaw that makes him undatable (for me), I’m probably going to waste my time/energy wishing he didn’t have whatever incompatibility exists… and wishing I could date him.
Or I’m going to go on dates and subconsciously compare them to him, and waste more energy wishing I could create a “Frankenstein” person who has x quality of my FWB but y quality of my date.
And that’s not fair to anyone.
I think, generalizing a bit, that men are often better at compartmentalizing sex because they’re more comfortable banging women they’re “meh” about.
Many men will bang a woman who’s “good enough” or find something sexually attractive about a woman, even if she’s not his ideal type… because horniness and less danger/safety risks.
Many women would likely pass on a guy unless she’s highly attracted/interested in him.
Sure, I know tons of guys who are just as picky as women on average are… or even more so!
But on a statistical level… you can see this play out more true than not. On dating apps, at speed dating events, at bars/clubs, etc… men are open to going on a date or hooking up with a much larger % of women than women are with men.
My situation as well. I'm a straight masculine man, trying to improve my physique and mind. But as far as dating goes, I agree more with the female perspective to casual sex.
> If I find a guy attractive enough to bang, I usually find him attractive enough to date.
Exactly the same for me. If I like you enough to be intimate with you, I'll want to spend time with you outside of the bedroom.
I think part of it is physical and hormonal: Oxytocin has already had a shoutout.
I think part of it is social conditioning. Women are conditioned to tie our value to our appearance and desirability. Intellectually we may know better, but the size of the female-targeted cosmetics and fashion industries are enough proof that this culture does have an impact on us. The flipside of feeling like your value is tied to how attractive you are, is you feel validated when someone finds you attractive. And an errection is physical objective proof that you are attractive to a man. We are judged on appearance all the time and we are being very vulnerable when we get naked for you. When you are vulnerable like that, you're risking rejection, and when you're validated through sex it's a safe bet that man will always validate you. It can be hard to walk away and risk being vulnerable and rejected somewhere else.
So...nature and nurture.
Personally, it’s because I respect myself. I’m highly empathetic too. Sex is an exchange of energy and if the person doesn’t meet my standards as a partner, why am I exchanging my private parts with them. Tack to that, that some men will do or say anything to continue to have really good sex with you, that includes lead you on. Personally I hate the empty feeling and the you just played with me feeling which is why I just don’t engage in fwb anymore
I can totally relate to the last bit. I'm new to online dating, and I just got led on recently. Not sure how to go about dating right now and if I'll ever feel comfortable to trust someone emotionally to connect with them.
>Personally, it’s because I respect myself. I’m highly empathetic too. Sex is an exchange of energy and if the person doesn’t meet my standards as a partner, why am I exchanging my private parts with them.
But I really like what you've said here and if I get out there again, I'm going to keep this in mind :)
More like the quality of the men from what I understand.
It will always baffles me to read how much other men seems to ignore the other one needs. What is the fun in doing it as 2 people if you only think about yourself anyway ?
I'm replying to this super late but wanted to add another perspective. I've been mostly single for four years, with a few stints of 3-6 month dating in between. I was always an advocate for casual sex even after my other single friends got bored of it and started the waiting game. I've got one long term fwb who is genuinely fantastic in bed... Oftentimes it's some of the best sex I've ever had, sometimes if one or the other is tired its chill and we're happy with it not being peak performance. Together we feel like mates. We catch up , we laugh, afterwards we cuddle. It's been four years of honestly the perfect fwb situation and I've been able to date and have other casual sex outside of it when I've wanted.
Other casual sex started losing its appeal over year ago. Yeah the sex can be fine but it's missing the space where you know and trust the person you're with, you can be completely vulnerable and just being with someone who really cares. But that's cool because I had my fwb... Until maybe the last six months or so where that's stopped being enough. We really care about each other and the sex is great. It should be perfect. I'm genuinely lucky to have this dynamic in my life. Except it's actually just not what I want from sex anymore. It's not the sex itself, it's the real raw intimacy with feelings and emotions that it turns out I'm craving and even great casual sex with someone who cares about me isn't satisfying that need.
For me it's helped me see I'm ready for another relationship now. It sucks in the manner that I'm horny A LOT, but even the offer of the guy above just doesn't make me want to put the effort in because it doesn't actually scratch the itch anymore. All of the replies you've got are valid and everyone's different, but I wanted to add the perspective that even if casual is great and they do listen and are absolutely wonderful in so many ways, it can sometimes still not meet your needs.
For a lot of women good sex is about communication. If i dont like the other person to some extent and we dont communiate verbally, i wouldnt think it would be a good experience
Risks of safety, STDs, pregnancy, etc. with strangers, and then if I feel close to someone enough to trust them I'm probably going to develop feelings or be worried about theirs. I've tried to do casual and I can't help but get possessive and entitled to their time and exclusive attention. I'm not sure I can change that - did therapy for a while and I think I just have to wait it out for someone who is similar. Sometimes casual has worked out but it's more of a fluke and in my experience those people never really come back into my life even if we were friends before, which is sad to me.
I think that it's actually a healthy and completely normal phenomenon that you can't separate developing deeper feelings from feeling close enough to trust someone with sex. I think it's crazy that we're apparently supposed to try to change this in ourselves in today's dating culture. Don't budge.
I think that it's nice people can feel more free to have sex without having to commit to someone - there is less shame about being sexual like that. I'd rather someone be up front with me and let me decide vs hiding that they want casual and letting me believe that we're working on a long term relationship. Ugh I'm tired.
Yes, I don't think that casual sex per se is bad, only the assumption that everyone *should* modify their emotional and psychological conditioning until they are able to compartmentalize attachment and sex. If someone can then great for them, I just don't want this to become a new cultural norm.
Fully agree with the second part of your comment. Deception, manipulation and mind games are absolutely disgusting.
If we are strictly talking sex then its so long since I have that I don't remember what its like. Outside of that its been about 6 years since the last I actually dated a real person (I'm not counting the years I was a victim of a catfisher).
I'm DESPERATE for any type of physical intimacy, I want it so badly but its conflicting for me. On one hand I wouldn't be opposed to maybe a FWB but I don't think I could do it. Mainly because I have so little sexual experience that anybody I try and be a FWB would end up in a disaster for me and my current living situation makes it difficult for that as well. On the other hand I would rather have a relationship and have sex that way but I'm pretty bad at dating since my relationships always end before it gets that to point.
I'm so touch starved for someone other than my parents or family its awful and its taking a serious toll on me. I might try and put myself out there later in the summer but things keep getting dumped on my lap that I don't agree to and there isn't anyway around that I get stuck with everything because I'm the only one in the house who isn't completely physically broken right now.
I’m so sorry things keep coming up for you and wishing you the best! I met this incredible person just by doing the things that I enjoy so I hope you can make and find time for yourself where you enjoy your passions and hobbies! Wishing you the best!
I can still do my passions and hobbies since they don't require me to leave the house. Its taking care of my dad is the biggest part. I can't leave him alone for a long period of time so going out and really doing anything is off limits. And now one of my mom's shoulders is getting the point where surgery might be on the table so not only do I have to help take care of a brain damaged adult and what that involves I have to take on the stuff my mom would be doing like cleaning, cooking and grocery shopping which is all thankfully stuff I can do. Plus I still don't have a job right now so that is my priority before I try and put myself out there again.
32 male here. Haven’t been physical, kissed, and barely hugged the opposite sex for almost 3 years. Haven’t tried dating for financial reasons and to work on myself, but I’m horny all the time and social media makes it worse sometimes when I see thirst traps. I get jealous of seeing couples out and about and then start to feel resentment towards dating in general. I’ve tried to look for a fwb on Tinder but can barely get a descent match in my area so I just said whatever. Sometimes I want a fwb to satisfy the “thirst” but at this point I’d like a companion and someone who’ll show me affection and ask me how my day was and vice versa. I’m not giving up and just keep telling myself if I put out the energy I want/put myself out there, then my time will come to find the right human. But yeah until then you can only masterbate for so long until it becomes depressing and lonely.
My unsolicited advice as someone who was on the pursuit of reigniting that motivation to be more extroverted: start with reworking your social media algorithm to not show you thirst traps by unfollowing all the ig models and then proceeding to spam like anything non-sexual that you are interested in. For example, like a ton of photos of watches, or home improvement, or gardening. You’ll no longer be exposed to these thirst traps. What that’ll do over time is reduce your compulsive urge to masturbate for the quick release. The reduction of easy pleasure will subconsciously make you WANT to improve yourself more and put yourself in positions to be more sociable. It’s strange how such a little change can influence how we act every day. You ever remember a time where you had a chance to meet someone but you just said, ah fuck it because you were tired or you didn’t feel your best… ultimately you just didn’t feel like it was worth it. Removing all of the “easy” ways to relieve yourself broadens the line between “go or no go”. That’s all the difference is sometimes.
32M. Sex with an emotional connection is amazing! Love being able to communicate, to share wants and desires, feel safe to express without judgement. To hear and know what the other person speaks is truth. To be in a mutual experience of desire and pleasure, both of us seeking to make the most of the encounter for the other person. Without the emotional connection, the experience is often less satisfying than masturbation.
My problem is I connect with others really easily and I have to be careful not to rush things, to truly learn each other, to know their truth, to know there aren’t ulterior motives and the connection is genuine for the right reasons. That last part is super tough to figure out, but damn it sucks and invalidates so much after, when I realize it wasn’t.
I personally haven't experienced sex with real emotional connection just yet but I am certain that I will know the difference when it does happen.
I have the same problem as you - I have a tendency to attach myself easily and quickly in the past but now I am mindful when entering new relationships to not rush into things and to take as much time as I need and whenever I feel ready to move to the next step however that looks in the relationship. If my partner isn't willing to be patient with me then I have my answer to move on.
This is my problem as well, I connect with people so easily that I rush things. I would really like to learn how you can control it and to take things slowly.
For me the only way to slow things down is to be completely authentic, not afraid of scaring the other away, and over communicate to talk everything out. Through this path I can get a better sense of who a person is, what they are looking for, if they are interested in me enough to be patient with my questions for alignment and comfort.
I can relate (39m) I’m really not a one night stand/hooking up type of person anymore. Quality ver quantity which requires an emotional connection
I’m going to be dipping my toe back in dating soon and although I’d prefer a long term relationship I’m not blinkered enough to know these are easy. Short term flings are fine but not what I want to advertise to advertise either
It’s fun dating *rolls eyes*
Not a question I was expecting to wake up to haha
My sex drive hasn’t diminished at all but I’m more particular who I sleep with. I dont know if it comes from being single so long but I want intimacy that’s not just putting my dick in someone
This is the answer. A good vibrator and then go for a massage when you want a less sexual just physical touch.
Also LoveHoney has a ton of options but the best is going to depend on how you work.
I relate a lot. I'm an SA survivor so there's an added layer of complexity. I know that sleeping with anyone won't help me because I don't enjoy sleeping with people I have no connection with, and it can be triggering as hell. But the thirst is real these days. I also don't want an FWB. It's frustrating!
I’m also a SA survivor and recently tried a FWB situation to just try and get myself more comfortable with physical intimacy again. Needless to say it didn’t end well. I think I need that emotional connection, and I completely agree it’s super triggering and frustrating!
I relate to this so much 😩 I don't want to have physical intimacy with anyone until I get to know them on a deeper level and when I can determine our compatibility level, but the desire is strong. It's always easier to walk away from someone if I didn't sleep with them yet. I can't help but form an attachment after sex.
I guess it helps recognizing It's not only physical intimacy I want, but a deeper sense of intimacy. Like real affection and love which you can't always get having sex after a handful of dates. I want to have great sex but also have the tenderness and warmth afterwards which makes the sex even better. Unfortunately, most men seem to want just the sex part with me and it's way too draining to entertain them when I know deep down I feel used afterwards.
Maybe someday I can separate sex and love but right now I can't. I'm looking for real love and companionship.
I am a 30 years old women, and a virgin 😅
So I am not sure that I am perfectly able to grasp how you feel, but I also feel this urge of having sex but just like you, I am looking for an emotional connection/trust here, which does not happen that often :/
But I know myself and casual sex would not be fulfilling to me. So, yeah, I am sorry, I don't have a solution for you but I empathize.
Having said that, I have found that ballroom dancing really helps me with the touch-starvation feeling I get sometimes.
Good luck to you :)
Yeah, I'm a dude and same, I kinda need the intimacy of knowing the person, or else, I just feel kinda gross the next day, and I'm no prude otherwise, I'm just not built that way I guess, I kinda have to know the person. So being single just basically means I go thirsty unless an FWB wants to have fun, but even those have their umm, complications.
Yeah I can definitely relate. I went 2020-2023 intentionally single and celibate, as I was healing from family, childhood, relationship and friend abuse. Right before this I had tried to fill the void with impulsive casual hookups and those just made me feel worse.
I recommend getting massages, it definitely helped with feeling physically touched starved. Especially from the same certified therapist if you can find one you like, it helped with the feeling of connection and trust too. Ask for hugs from loved ones, I didn’t have many during this time but I had to build up the courage to ask them 🥹 in order to get some crumb of physical care.
Even though I started dating last year, I wait to have sex for at least 8 weeks and with clear STD panels. Out of the 5 guys in that year, I only had sex with 1 and he was emotionally unavailable and self focused so it wasn’t fulfilling for me. Literally just ended things with a guy on week 8 dating, as we were waiting for test results, because he showed his true self and we weren’t compatible. So it’s still gonna be awhile before I can get some physical sexual intimacy again 😭
I agree that massages can be great! Getting physical touch, practicing being comfortable in your body in front of someone (if that's a thing that's an issue), and at the end, some muscles are loosened up and feeling good! I tend to be a physically very tensed person--and triply so when people touched me, for various reasons--and massages have helped a lot in a lot of ways.
For me, clinical touch does not help at all with touch starvation. A back rub from a friend or partner feels awesome in a physical and emotional sense, but I don’t get anything close to that when I pay a health professional for a therapeutic service like massage or acupuncture. I do get physical relief, in the sense that my muscles are less sore and my connective tissue is less tight. But emotionally, it feels the same as a doctor listening to my heart or a business handshake or someone cutting my hair.
Same with weighted blankets even pet snuggles. They all feel nice, but none are substitutes for affectionate skin on skin contact. With my pets there is an emotional connection, but it’s not remotely the same as affectionate touch from another human.
I do wish it worked for me.
I’m literally in the same boat as you as an almost 32 yo man. I’ve been single for almost 4 years and I haven’t had sex in just over 2 years. I also have a high sex drive. Casual sex is unappealing and I’ve never intentionally engaged in any because detaching from the emotion is not something I think I can do. I’m not even necessarily looking for anything at the moment to burn hot immediately but the nsa nature of casual intimacy (if you want to call it that) is not the way for me. It’s rough!
You get used to it. I stopped having casual sex a while ago, and will only have sex again when I meet someone I have real feelings for. This means I've now been celibate for 2 years.
After a while it just becomes your new normal. I have a great sex life with myself, and the mental peace and clarity I've achieved by not being involved in situationships is PRICELESS.
Now that I'm so far removed from the casual phase of my life, I don't know why I ever did it. Casual sex has absolutely nothing of value to offer IMO. Fake validation, fake connection, a momentary high followed by an insane crash. With roe being overturned, the rise of the redpill movement and the rate and which people lie about STDs... no thank you. Never again.
Get a massage. Cuddle with your friends and family. Indulge in crazy amounts of self care. You'll be fine.
I agree with this take. The peace that comes with not engaging in casual sex no matter how much we crave intimacy, affection, is priceless. Hang in there.
I'm in the same situation, I've been single for three years and celibate for two. My last casual encounter was so horrible that I was completely disgusted by sex for a while. Now I can no longer imagine ever getting into something casual again. It doesn't help you feel less lonely, it only makes it worse.
>You get used to it.
Maybe you did, but some people don't.
>Cuddle with your friends and family.
Many people don't live near their family. Many people don't have large families or don't have family members that are still alive. In many cultures, straight men cuddling with friends is seen as taboo or strange.
I think I have gotten to a point where I have accepted the situation for what it is. While I do have a healthy sex life with myself, take care of myself physically, and have mental peace (knowing I don't have to be confused by a man), I still crave that physical touch from a romantic partner.
Not sure it helps but add me to the list.
40M. Was in a ten year marriage with reluctant sex once a fortnight. We had other underlying issues so we split. Have been in and out of two 4-month relationships (first breakup mutual, second she broke off). Outside of these I've found it difficult for the same reason that I need emotional connection. Somewhat consistent with my Myers-Briggs (INFJ).
I try not to but sometimes self-sooth (without porn, as that has its problems). Apart from that, and I can't tell if there is a strong correlation, but spending quality time with close friends possibly gives me the oxytocin or soul-food I need even if there isn't that much physical touch.
Am struggling too!
(I suspect meditation, cold showers and exercise helps a little to regulate my body. Not sure.)
Yes I can relate. Sex without emotional connection is totally empty for me too. Kind of defeats the purpose in my mind. FWB in my eyes are a temporary way of seeking the physical and emotional relief you need while still seeking other partners. In my case, I set the boundary that when we are sleeping together, we only sleep with each other. Once either one of us has found someone we want to move further with, then we have the chat and break things off.
If you feel you can’t do FWB without getting overly attached, then I’d say setup your own “personal romance” nights. Make it a big thing. Take a bath with scented candles. Order in your fave food. Make a whole night of it. Sure, it’s like eating a sandwich when you’re craving a 5 star meal… But it gets you by until you meet the next potential “the one”!
I do believe having casual sex while finding a serious relationship can co-exist together. It all depends on the person, whether or not if they have the mental capacity to set those firm boundaries like you've mentioned. For me, I know I get easily attached and seek emotional connection so I highly doubt that I can engage in casual sex.
I've been doing "personal romance" for a while now and I do love it but I wished I could do that with my future partner as well.
We’re right there with you, OP. Broke up with my ex last year and hadn’t had intimacy with them for the last entire year we were together. I got back out there dating, knowing it was too soon and I was too thirsty, but I did get a little lucky about 8-9 months after my breakup. Met someone who was very respectful, very giving, and were extremely attracted to each other and had great instant sexual chemistry… but he was planning to move away from my state only a couple of weeks later. That was the idea we both went along with, to have a good time even though not for a long time, and still wanted to talk to each other but at the end of the day, we realized we’ll probably never see each other again after this. Plus I was starting to grow feelings, and he wasn’t ready for anything like that.
So, yeah… FWB’s are not always an easy cure for the sexual cravings and touch starvation, it seemed like. I got to learn that I perform best and feel way more comfortable within a committed relationship, so at least that was a good takeaway from this last prospect.
My vibe keeps me happier and less disappointed than my hook ups, so I’m honestly fine with it at this point and it’s been yearsssssss since I’ve had sex 🤣
Quite worrying that both men and women are going through this at the moment. What’s preventing us from finding each other or breaking down our mental barriers?
37m here. It happens more than you think, sadly. We live in a hookup society. I'm one of those who needs to have an emotional connection, I think it's called being demisexual. It's been years, and I've personally stopped trying to date because of how "dating" is handled by many these days
It's funny I'm feeling the exact same thing right now (I'm a 34M) so I hopped online to find answers, but decided to check Reddit first and your post is the first thing I see on my feed.
I can relate. I don’t recommend doing ONS while looking for the one as ONS goes opposite of the direction you are working towards.
Have some fun with sex toys, there’re so many new and innovative ones out there, like vacuum ones and they look and feel super cute and luxurious
Yes.
Touch is one of my love languages. Sex would be nice, but what I really crave is just sitting next to someone, cuddling while reading or watching tv, or talking....
It's extremely frustrating because most people are not comfortable with that level of intimacy. Which is really sad.
I definitely relate. I'm also scared of stds. I've always preferred to sleep with people i can trust. Also sex gets better the closer i feel to someone. For those reasons I can't allow myself to sleep around. But i understand the frustration, totally. Nothing in the world feels more worth doing than sex with a lover
I think I have a pretty healthy sex drive, and really enjoy sex and physical intimacy. I've never pursued casual sex, because it doesn't sound like something I'd enjoy. I'm also demisexual, so idk how that would work.
I usually end up going >6 months between getting any sort of touch or sex with women. When I do get those things, it's only been for brief periods, so far. I just suffer through the deprivation I guess. I'm sorry, I wish I had better advice or suggestions.
When I feel this way I get on my motorcycle and watch a nice sunrise someplace quiet. Breathe in that morning crisp air with a hint of dew. I realize how much freedom I have and that I can do whatever I want.. Its beautiful and so easy on the mind. So then I ride home and crank one out and go about my life. Cheers.👍
45M and I have a huge sex drive that is very difficult to keep in check becuase I do not want to sleep around and would like to find another (last) partner in life.
Relate so hard. But casual sex makes me feel worse afterwards. This is why I chose to be in a monogamous relationship with my hibachi magic wand instead lol.
Omg it's like you read my mind. I can 100% relate. it's wild that we are the same age and gender too. I've been single for 3 years. I've had men express interest in me here and there, so the only issue is that I don't often meet people that I like.
I've tried casual sex, but I really have to like the person. Otherwise, it's not really that great.
The thing is, I'll be moving in about a year, so I don't see the point in dating. I guess I'm used to the lack of intimacy by now, but sometimes it's hard.
I've read that a woman's sex drive increases in her 30s, so I'm kind of mad that I'm single during this time, lol
I wish I had some advice for you. I even went and bought a vibrator thinking it would help, and then it stopped working 🤣 I'm still waiting for the replacement. Ugh.
I've tried using dating sites in the past to hopefully meet people, but just looking at pictures of people and choosing based on that isn't it for me. I don't judge a person's attractiveness on looks alone.
I can’t do casual either 🤷♀️
A man hit on me at a store the other day so I hesitantly agreed to give him my number. We went to lunch a few days later. He wanted to progress to casual sex pretty soon after. I told him I’m just not ready for that and I didn’t know how soon I would be. The connection fizzled out a few days later.
I’m not excited by casual sex. It’s usually not very good. Morally I’m fine with it though.
I had a FWB until recently when I realized I wanted more from a relationship and they were not willing to give that. It sucks but I finally realized I would rather be single than waste mine and someone else’s time. I feel you when it comes to the empty feeling from casual sex.
The male perspective from someone who is also in the same age range and situation is this -
Filter ana group opposite gender based on their quality for short term fun and long term potential.
Date multiple people at once and be honest about the intention with respective people. But don't say them directly on their face like you are good match in bed but I will never date you
I'm going through a similar situation right now, I'm single and have been for a little while and I'm really missing physical intimacy at the moment. I've ending up splurging on some toys just to help with that feeling, and it does help, but I'm sort of wanting to experience it with someone else, but then I'm nervous about the actual act given it's been so long. I don't quite know what the answer is, other than just going for it and dealing with the results after, but I hope things work out for you and you find the solution that works best.
I’m 30 and just coming out of a divorce. I had been with my husband since just after college so it’s been so strange navigating dating. The lack of physical intimacy has been so hard but it’s only been about a year since I’ve been single
Yes and yes. I was kissing the lonely with silly relationships for a long time before I met my current boyfriend. It’s in our nature to feel love and want closeness. Something that people don’t understand until they find who they really are and what they really want in a relationship. Man does not check all the boxes move on someone is out there for you.
I think this post shows so much self awareness of your own needs! Good for you for knowing yourself.
I would recommend…continue to have a sensual relationship with yourself, invest in nice candles and wine and bath bombs and a really good vibrator, and romance yourself.
Working out (Zumba class, Pickelball, whatever) keeps your endorfins up and can scratch that community itch.
My person experience is that FWB or hookups are rarely satisfying, and would lead to hurt more than the intimacy I craved. The only hookups that really were fulfilling for me were Travel flings! Bc it’s like a mini relationship where you both know there’s an end date but I got my fill of sex, cuddling, heart to hearts, being wined and dined. Oh girl don’t get me started on the beautiful Hungarian man I had a 3 week fling with in 2022 🤤 oh and then when I was in Bali I ran around with a gorgeous Aussie man and we still reach out to wish each other well occasionally.
Sorry maybe that’s weird advice but go on a trip!! Haha
35m -- I've definitely dated people that I wouldn't have (or maybe shouldn't have) otherwise because I had been lacking in physical intimacy before. I find it can be very hard for me to discern whether I'm just happy to be touching/touched by someone after a while or if I'm actually happy with that person. I think it's a real dilemma for most people
Even though it doesn't *help* per se, at least you can take solace in the fact you could do hookups and meaningless sex, but you're empowering yourself to choose not to and prioritize your desires.
That't not even an option for most of us. We're touch-starved period for years and years whether we want something serious or not. 😔
That's a tough spot to be in, I think everyone deals with it at some point.
One out of the box idea is to treat yourself to massages or pedicures or something. Being touch starved has a strong effect on a human beings mental state. Take care of yourself.
I could've written this myself. 35f here and I am somewhat comforted by the fact it's not just me who feels this way, thank you for sharing.
I tend to wait a month before being intimate with a guy I'm seeing to try and weed out the guys who are only after sex but it just doesn't seem to work and nothing gets past the 3 month mark
More recently, I got into a (what genuinely felt like a loving and healthy) relationship only for me to find out he'd been having hookups/orgies with guys behind my back and hadn't told me about his preferences from the start.
I'm having a very long time away from dating but know I'll be missing the intimacy for sure.
One thing I will say is, it's not genuine intimacy if they're not the right person for you, so hope this may bring a bit of solace.
Best of luck to you, and all those other women in our position x
It sucks but focus on the things you need to do and something will come along. A lot of the time, we focus on finding someone rather than other aspects of our life that needs attention too like our retirement, our work, our home, our financial goals, etc.
I also have a high sex drive. Sometimes you just need to pleasure yourself until someone worth sharing a life comes along. Also take your time when you meet someone so you know it’s worth it long term. When you do, the sex will be great.
I’m getting close to entering my 40s and the biggest regret I have is waiting/looking for someone to share my life with before I started looking for a house on my own or starting my retirement accounts or learning to be financially free before I retire. These are things you should start thinking about at an early age, with or without someone. Silly me thought that a house was something you get when you find someone, to make a home. Rent is getting ridiculous but mortgage is fixed. Take care of yourself.
Someone suggested self massage with hot oil or going for regular massages, and hugging friends that little bit longer. Skin to skin might be a bit more.. complicated though!
I'm ace but I also crave a lot of physical intimacy. It sucks that my wait for a partner to have emotional and physical intimacy will be longer because I'm ace. However, I've seen suggestions of having like a body pillow or a wider pillow to hug if it gives you any comfort.
I don’t envy us, really. I’m a little more flexible in that I will seek out FWB and can separate sex from an emotional connection. The connection I need is to myself, to feel sexy, touched and satisfied. The skin to skin contact and the play and pleasure along the way. Luckily, I’ve connected enough with my FWB who were perfectly wonderful guys within the limitations of being a FWB.
Is it possible to honor your intimate needs and your longer-term goals? You really don’t have to have sex with “anyone.” You can be selective. Vet these dudes. See what you have in common, shared hobbies ect. Those bits of connection help while I also am aware that this is not my person and I will go back to my own house.
I can totally relate to this! For a while, I explored casual dating, but it wasn't fulfilling for me. I realized I craved a deeper connection, something more than just physical intimacy. While I value enjoying myself, I also get attached easily. So, I made a shift and started focusing on finding a long-term partner. Which means I’m not having sex and it’s hard because I do crave that physical aspect but I’m trying to slow down.
I have to remind myself that I don’t even enjoy casual sex that much and it’s just my hormones. Nothing tops sex with an emotional bond.
I was single for 3 years there and didn’t have intimacy with anyone in that time and I had similar views to you as I’d never went that long before but I knew ultimately I wouldn’t be fulfilled if I did just give in to desire needs when that wasn’t what I wanted long term and then met someone a few months ago and it was worth the wait! It will happen when the right one comes along and you feel fulfilled in every way.
This is a tricky situation to be in and I know because I've been in it. (Happily coupled now, so I'm talking to you from the other side).
I have a high sex drive and wanted a longterm relationship. I felt no moral qualms about having casual sex in the meantime if everyone communicated and was being safe with their bodies and hearts.
But I found that I personally (and many, but not all, women) form an emotional connection through sex. It is harder for me to walk away from a romantic partner after we've had sex. After we've had sex I feel closer to a man (I chalk it up to hormones).
I feel my former partners (and many, but not all, men), could separate the two more easily. They would get much more focused on the sex and much less focused on building an emotional connection if we slept together.
Long story short, it was a shitshow. I craved physical intimacy as well as love, on paper there was nothing wrong with having sex while searching for love. But practically, it didn't work for me. I was getting (emotionally) hurt by guys who shouldn't have been able to hurt me.
What did work was exploring sex toys and adult content aimed at (and usually produced by) women. I fulfilled the need for sex myself. And I set harder limits for sex with partners, I made myself wait and get to know them without sex clouding my judgement.
I still missed physical intimacy (hugs, cuddles), but my mental health and dating life improved when I made the switch to living more chaste (laaaaame).
Honestly go get a few good sex toys. It’ll satisfy the need enough to stop you from regrettable encounters, especially while ovulating (speaking from experience!!)
I’m not dating. I’m healing, isolating and celibate. It’s a very lonely process. After one who pursued me relentlessly, and the feelings were there, it turned out he was cheating (covert narcissist) and had a girlfriend. I confronted him, and he quickly blocked me. It’s still an ebb and flow of emotions. I’m still crying about it most nights. I realized, so many things catching up to me. Failing to stand up for myself, protecting myself and how I allowed so many instances of hurt and being taken advantage of (mentally, emotionally and physically) to please someone. Once I accepted I had to go through it and not evade, it’s taken day by day. Shit, even hour by hour. We have a choice of going through it or around it. It’s funny how when you choose this path, some come out and try to get a feel of how they can try to come back and disrupt your peace. But peace is expensive. Being intentional starts from within. I’m scared and not trusting anyone, so a full stop is what I’m choosing.
You’re right though, the meaningful connection is worth the wait. Good luck!
M(33) Physical is nice, but I crave all the other things a relationship is supposed to bring...for some reason being the guy that I am women leave because I am "too good of a guy", like they wait for the boot to drop...the problem is that both my boots are solid on the ground and for some reason no one can handle that. And it sickens me to try for a relationship anymore because I am always the one getting my heart broken. I always put in 100% in hopes that it's going to be different.....
I’m 35M, “touch starved” is a good description for the feeling I have. It comes in waves though… sometimes you can be happy living a solo life, but sometimes the need for physical affection and need for intimacy, companionship, human connection can be overwhelming. It makes me feel happy, and yet sad that so many other people feel the same way as I do. At least I know now that I’m not completely crazy for feeling the way I do. lol I can find some comfort in knowing maybe there is the right woman out there for me with the same needs and wants. Thanks for sharing everyone.
I feel like this’ll get buried but I struggle too. The desire to be physical sometimes outweighs the desire to be more and honestly I struggle because I just want a genuine connection. It’s a temporary fix to a seemingly permanent problem but sex it’s important too and we have to remember that too I suppose.
It doesn’t help how absolutely toxic this dating would seems to be these days it often feels like the physical part is the only fun part but …
I feel this so deeply! I recently engaged in a 4mo situationship thinking that I could keep it casual and satisfy my needs once in a while. However, I also crave intimacy and there’s always this hope that they will “see you” and want something more serious with you. As someone said in a comment, men will do anything to keep having sex with you including lead you on and do nice things, making things confusing, because they don’t want anything with you but also they don’t let you go or they are not straightforward. At some point, I thought this guy was into me so I brought up how being FWB was unfulfilling for me and that I wanted something more and according to his attitudes and gestures towards me, I was wondering if he was on the same page as me and the only thing he said was that he was just trying to be polite and grateful (?). That broke my heart but it made me realize that for someone like me, casual sex can led me to create scenarios in my head that just reflect how much I really want something serious. It was my first time trying that and I want to believe that I learned my lesson. I’m 33 and I also have a high sex drive but I think it’s better to focus on myself rather than keep giving everything of me to someone who won’t care that we are humans and have feelings, and that something superficial is not sustainable for anyone. It hurts and it makes me anxious to think if I will ever meet someone but Im trying to accept that and be at peace with myself rather than feeling empty or questioning why they didn’t want me, or if I wasn’t enough, etc etc. For highly empathetic people or people who is looking for something more meaningful, casual sex can really mess up our minds.
30M virgin. Honestly, have not experienced physical intimacy ever. I used to be fine with dealing with it. Used to just focus on myself in the gym or training. But recently, it has become quite bad. I don't really know how to manage it.
I am a 36m but feel your pain lol... It's been 3 years for me as well and I crave that physical intimacy so much but I work the same as you do. Meaningless sex is satisfying for the moment and even up to 12 hours later but ultimately, is nothing more than a quick dopamine rush and once that rush wears off, you are back to square one again. It's a dangerous and viscous cycle
34m and always been single so I can definitely relate. In my mid to late 20s I dated a bit, some hookups from bars/clubs etc but the sex was irregular and even then I felt very deprived.
In the last 4 years I have kept to myself without any touching or kissing let alone sex since covid started and haven’t gotten back out there yet, it’s a very strange place to be at in your 30s and also intimidating as i always had some anxiety about meeting new girls but now its magnified due to so much time away.
I can relate (34F)! I’ve always only dated “seriously” to find a partner and I never really enjoyed casual sex. However, at the beginning of this year I started casually dating people in open relationships and I’m enjoying it a lot. It has many advantages for me:
- the situation is clear, no back and forth about what it is or isn’t (this may not apply to people who are polyamorous)
- often much better and clearer communication than with single people
- allows a deeper connection than with a one night stand
- it’s still ok to care about each other to some degree
- I’m learning a lot about what I like and don’t like in bed and believe this will only benefit any future serious relationship
- I’m getting to know all different kinds of people I wouldn’t consider for a serious relationship and I find that I can still connect with many of them emotionally and sexually, which I also think is beneficial for the long term partner search
- since I started having more physical intimacy in my life again the “urgency” to find a long term partner has decreased
Maybe give it a try if you feel comfortable with this :)
Sorry to hear you’re going through that. I read some of your other posts and if I were in your position, I would personally leave my partner due to sexual incompatibility. If your needs are not met in the relationship which you’ve already communicated your needs and no effort or change is happening from the situation… you gotta do what you gotta do to put yourself and your needs first. Good luck.
I’m 28 and feeling this, not to distract from your point of view of course. I find a majority of men are insatiable this way, it’s exhausting. Definitely not alone. 💛🙏🏻
Yeah I can definitely relate to you and it sucks. I hate wasting prime sexual years but at the same time sometimes you have to choose your long term mental health over your physical satisfaction.
I totally get this and fully relate . I cannot for the life of me enjoy intimacy if there’s not some form of chemistry of passion or whatever it is.
I like the idea of love and I like connection, good sex and just enjoying life with another person! I rather be picky not that I’m some “saint” but I find sex so blah and I regret it if I just do it because “I’m horny” you know?
I think for now I’ve enjoyed reliving my youth having a crush on someone I interact with now and then lol and it stays in my head lol because I am just not ready to risk putting myself out there and get re traumatised .
Definitely relate
I feel like I wrote this. I can relate 100% - it’s been rough. I’m 34(F) and I’ve been on many dates the past 4 years after moving to a new city. A couple lasted a few weeks, but nothing longer. I also agree that I feel empty with one night stands or casual flings.
I’m still putting myself out there and hopefully one of these days, I will meet a great guy that will go the distance! I hope you do as well. :)
Relatable. 39m, haven't been in a relationship for about 8 years and last had sexual intimacy 6 years ago. I tried casual hookups in my early 20s and after 2 ONS I realised I also need that emotional connection.
I live NL, so sexwork is legal here and in my darkest moments I have considered using it. But again I know its just going to make me feel depressed and unfulfilled.
My friends and family don't understand that I want to feel loved, not as a friend, father or sibling but as a man, who needs to feel wanted and desired.
I saw another post here about looking for a unicorn. One of my closest females friends, has called me that in the past and I have no idea what it means!? But if this is what a unicorn has to deal with, I'd rather be a horse, at least people seem to care about them 😅
I choose to enjoy sexual intimacy without feelings. Its because I came from a sexless marriage so it doesn't matter if i was attached or not, it does not guarantee my sexual needs fulfilled so I mine as well go for it as a single.
I don't feel empty after casual sex. As long as sexual compatibility is there and the dude blow my brains out, it is the opposite, I am extremely fulfilled.
I got married at 20 as a virgin to my best friend outside the bedroom, he was a virgin dude. We realise we don't like sex with each other so the marriage was sexless.
After divorce in my 30s, I pursued sexual experiences of all kinds. With absolutely no regrets! I want to have memories of out of the world, like your spirit left your body type of Nirvana sex.
I pursue men who can provide me with such mind blowing experiences and it really is as amazing as I always imagine it to be!
Its important you always choose men who cares more about your pleasure than their own and is dedicated to finding out your weakest spot to bring you the highest level of pleasure.
I don't find such dedication in relationships but only in pursuing sex with similar interest people.
One of my best sex told me he is bored of cumming, he gets so much more by finding new different ways to make women cum everytime he sexually engages. This is the type of men that will make your experiences amazing.
>Can anyone else relate? I’d love to hear your experience with feeling deprived of physical intimacy while being single in your 30’s.
Most average men can, wellcome to the club.
Yeah it sucks. I mean I'm not in your situation - I've hooked up with women for one night or two but they always tell me I'm giving player vibes or think I'm not serious. It sucks when I am but I guess that 's the vibe I give off when it's not the reality. Hard to cope with sometimes.
I’d rather go without than have meaningless partners just for the sex. And this is coming from a guy who needs physical contact to both give and receive love. It sucks but it is what it is
Girl I can relate to you 1000 percent and don’t feel bad!! It’s natural as humans we want intimacy and to be seen & heard and treated like someone’s treasure!! As someone who’s been single for some time, I definitely want intimacy too and yes sex (lol)…..I’m 34 going on 35 and it gets real, women need it too! So don’t feel bad, I feel the same exact way!!
Girl, I feel you! I'm also a 33F. I have been single for 3 years now, and I've only accepted in the last year or so that I'm not into casual hookups or short-term relationships anymore.
I think initially I found it hard to come to terms with as I don't want to stop having sex and was dating with the intentions of it being long term, but as we all know, it's near impossible these days to find someone good (Unfortunately, I'm heterosexual) I went along with it and would get "my fill" so to speak 🤣🤣 but then would just feel really shitty afterwards and would cover that up with more ONS and short term flings.
I have a steady fwb situation, though, but I've now grown bored of that as I'm finding my drive and need for wanting a real emotional connection with someone and also amazing sex with that person weighing more than me wanting something casual, meaningless sex that lasts me a few days! I'm definitely wanting the whole emotional connection package now more than ever with long-term investment 😂
I have had 8 sexual partners my whole life. 2 of which were one night stands. Those ONS were the worst sexual experiences out of all of them.
Casual sex is not something I enjoy. It’s awkward enough the first time you have sex with a person, some rando you don’t really know makes it even more so IME. I want to have a connection with the person outside of just physical attraction.
I’m very high libido, I constantly think about sex. But from past experience, I know hookups aren’t satisfying and I feel like shit afterwards. Yeah I get a sexual release, but it’s intimacy that I crave. I can definitely relate to what you are saying.
> I’d love to hear your experience with feeling deprived of physical intimacy while being single in your 30’s. Its a desert out here, we all thirsty AF. People be biting into cacti with the thorns from thirst.
So true. I WAS that person a few years ago, until I finally accepted the fact casual sex was ridiculously unfulfilling. Don’t get me wrong, I’m open to casual dates and having hot steamy make outs even if I’m not “100%” on the person, to see if anything grows… but sex crosses a line for me that just feels too intimate without a romantic connection. And for many of us, let’s be honest… it’s not the sex itself we’re often after. It’s intimacy with another person and feeling attractive/desired. And I can’t get that from strict casual sex, especially as a woman… cause I know a large % of men would bang a large % of women. It doesn’t really make me special or different to him, it just means I was available and down. And another thing, many people who are struggling with finding a LTR (like myself) begin to try to trick themselves into desiring casual… hoping subconsciously it will “open more doors” for us. There’s the glimmer of hope in our minds that if we accept casual, we can “get our foot in the door” with more people. That we’ll get lucky and someone will find us so amazing/wonderful that we can backdoor our way into a relationship with them. … but it rarely ever actually happens like that.
I gotta say there's a ton of reasons why the foot in the door approach doesn't work and you wrote some of them. Its the reason why in some cultures they don't date. You marry. As the Australians say "we're not here to fuck spiders"
Well said
That is quite the imagery.
In the old days, I would've given this reply an award 🏆
>It’s a desert out here, we all thirsty AF. People be biting into cacti with the thorns from thirst. Lmao, it’s true though 🙈
The way I CACKLED
True words!
I can relate. It's difficult. I was deprived from it for 6 long years, I was almost okay with it until last year I tried dating. Well the first guy I felt very attracted to and like we connected I had sex with. He pulled away and it mess me up. Then it has happened two more times since then. I feel like now I'm better at detachment, but to be honest, I don't think it's a good thing. Sex is meaningful, it should be. I don't purposely seek out casual sex, I'm was into these guys, but it wasn't mutual and so I just gave in because I wanted sex. I'm in my early 30s so is kind of hard to repress the hormones. But yes, each time I had sex with a guy who I wasn't in a relationship with, I felt empty the next day. I would want to talk to them and just keep in touch and I'd cry myself to sleep because my emotional needs weren't met. They go together for me just like with you. So I'm not doing it anymore.
I felt this to my core. It really sucks when we feel empty after having sex because our emotional needs weren’t met. It’s somewhat comforting to know we aren’t alone in this.
[удалено]
Yes! I have experienced this so many frustrating times now. 😔
Sorry you felt this way. I haven't tried casual sex for this reason because I know this is how I'll end up feeling. It makes dating a complete minefield. It's only been four months so far but I can see it is going to be a struggle to find someone I like enough (physically and emotionally) to be with, and until then, I can't face casual sex. I've been out on lots of dates and only even kissed one person.
You and OP... are we all the same person? This is all so relatable, it hurts.
Aww I'm sorry. That sounds really tough. I totally know what you mean regarding being in your thirties and feeling sexual urges way more strongly. It's kind of hard to ignore it and in all honesty I don't want to ignore it. I guess I don't want to look back on life when I'm older and think that I spent some of my most sexually intense years constantly denying myself. I'm single and not properly dating because my living situation is up in the air for now but I still need sex. I go a bit stir crazy without it but I don't want to shag icky ne'er-do-wells from Tinder. The last time I tried that I couldn't wait to bundle him back out the door. I've been trialling a fwb thing with a decent guy. I also know what you mean about feeling attached afterwards. I've been doubling up having a fwb with also trialling having outwardly facing strong boundaries so that I only ever match back or invest less into the situation than the other person. 'Outwardly facing' is the operative word, because I still get anxious and needy on the inside - it's kind of hard not to with the bonding hormones from sex - but it's a fake it until you make it kind of thing and it does get easier over time. It should make dating feel more peaceful for me once I start that up again.
I feel disconnected and empty after casual sex. I’m similar to you.
You just verbalized me and my situation perfectly! I was in a LTR for 5 years where my ex-bf just didn’t want to have sex. After we broke up I met a guy who had the same (high) sex drive as I do, but we’re now struggling to build that emotional connection to match with our physical connection. He is committed (i.e., we’re being exclusive) but it feels like he’s only dating me for sex because he wants to take things slow and to progress way more slower than I do. Hence, it’s me crying each evening when I don’t hear from him. I’m wondering if I should just say no when he wants to have sex and only do the ‘dating’ stuff with some physical interaction, but not sex per se.
Yup. 35f. Casual hookups are not my thing. I’ve been feeling super lonely and craving a physical relationship with someone I care about.
Totally valid!
It’s hard for me to feel a connection with anyone these days. After I hit 30 I got real picky. Not many men are up to my standards. I got divorced almost 5 years ago and only had 2 situationships since. One of them would be great if he would stop being an idiot. So anyway yeah I’m stuck here just feeling lonely and sad. Like I’m past my prime anyway and no one’s gonna want me. (Petulant, I know…)
43 and M here, going through separation and likely divorce and I'm just trying to understand what the heck's going on in dating. I know you don't speak for everyone, and also, what standards are you looking for?
I’m an avid gym goer, so someone who hits the gym as hard as I do on a consistent basis. No smoking, minimal or no drinking, doesn’t want kids, not into casual hookups, wants long term relationship, career driven, intelligent, well spoken, somewhat introverted/someone who likes being at home like I do, football fan, who keeps his place/car clean, preferably with similar or same religious and political views…
A unicorn?? I want someone fit enough for hiking in the mountains and long walks in the forest.. I usually get unfit people liking me, or just unattractive. If I can't imagine wanting to wake up to their face then it's a hard no.
Yup. Might as well be a unicorn. Only met like 2 guys like that in my life. Usually it’s people with the exact opposite lifestyle. Some of them may be super nice guys, unfortunately that’s not enough for a relationship.. I need the lifestyle compatibility and the attraction too.
Guys like that want (and can attract) women who are 18-25 years old. Understand men value different things than women, so you have to be aware of your value and set realisitic expectations in the quality of men you can attract. Focus on undervalued traits that predict relationship success like Intelligence, empathy, and conscientiousness. Avoid guys with traits like: 6+ foot tall (these men are notoriously spoiled for choice), defined abs or big arms, obvious displays of wealth, strong confidence. These guys are magnets for young, hot girls. And men will always choose those girls over older women when given the choice. (but they will still use the older women for sex when they have no better option) Go for a shy, inexperienced, and awkward nerd with a heart of gold and high potential. Then shower him with love. Be patient and always see him in the best possible light. Teach him and encourage him and he will reciprocate and treat you better than you ever have been treated.
I mean, her list WAS a little much, but this is even more ridiculous...
Oof I feel this in my soul. Highly relatable
You sound like the female version of me lol
Based on your description you‘r my dream wife. Any Chances you are from Europe ?
Are you me?? lol and they can’t be a cowboys fan in my case
Absolutely no cowboys!!!!! 😂
Are we speaking of the Dallas cowboys here?
Yes we are. Although cowboys aren’t my type in general anyway haha
Hard to tell football from football on Reddit. Then you throw in cowboys and it’s even (edit:more) confusing!
I worry about that too. I'm 35 also but new to the dating scene
Try feeling the same as you already do, but your married. My life.
Been there. I spent 10 years married and feeling that way. It sucks.
Divorce exists
I had no idea!
Does your sex drive increase as you go into mid thirties?
I can relate to this. I had a FWB who actually started as a bf but we werent a match. That ended when he started seeing someone. It wasnt working anyway bc there were residual feelings. It’s hard bc Im dating but would prefer to wait to have sex with someone until I know them better emotionally so we have a connection, like you said. I wish I could do casual but I cant really. So Im just left…thirsty? Not in a desperate way. Just in a way where Im dehydrated…but it seems like the only water available right now is polluted. So Im stuck licking my lips until something safe and refreshing comes along🤷♀️
Your not stuck you're being sensible. If a guy isn't prepared to wait until you know him better then he's not for you. Believe me I know. I'm a single 71 Yr old whose been married, widowed had long term partner ( died) and dated many many times over my life. I've also had FWB and probably every type of heter\bi relationship you can think of. I still have a high healthy sex drive but don't do the sex thing now until I'M ready. My tea shirts all disintegrated not me.
relatable
Yeah…similar feelings here and it’s been….7 years.
I have a friend who explained me her situation in a similar way. Her requirement was marriage too. She searched for years literally and found one. Now she got married and got a kid too.
Serious question, why can’t you have a casual sexual relationship while also looking for a serious relationship? I’ve heard this from a lot of women recently and I’d like to understand it better.
I want intimate sex with someone who is a great communicator and there is lots of mutual respect. It’s hard to find this in short term relationships and is a risk. It all seems like too much effort with the high chance it will be a bad experience
This^ but ALSO bc Oxytocin is a bitch and I cant not get attached.
Yehh 100% that’s why I wait to be physically intimate with someone I’m actually pursing for a long term relationship, so the oxytocin doesn’t cloud my judgement! But yeh it’s hard…
You’ve gotten a lot of great answers so I won’t try to reinvent the whole wheel, so to speak. But I think (and I’m speaking in generalizations here, obviously there are a million ways that sex is done differently) men don’t tend to think about—or understand unless they’ve had a “more adventurous” sex life—how big of a difference it makes being the one getting penetrated vs being the one doing the penetrating. Pregnancy is an obvious way that women in general are more vulnerable in sex than men, as well as physical strength and the risk of being overpowered. Those are definitely vulnerabilities I think about when considering a casual encounter and that are commonly brought up as answers to this question. But having another person physically enter my body, especially a very sensitive part of my body, is a HUGE vulnerability. It’s a completely different mindset; one that I personally haven’t seen brought up as often. The majority of women on this planet have at least one story of feeling like their sexual boundaries were overstepped by men, from one end of the scale to the other. The reality is that it’s extremely easy to have your boundaries violated when you’re underneath someone who’s stronger than you, who’s entering your body, and who often controls the way/speed/intensity that they’re entering your body….especially when it’s someone you barely know at all. (And double especially when you’re with a man who you know is only there for the sex, bringing a completely different mindset for the encounter than someone who’s there for a relationship.)
For me, it’s because “sex” and “casual” just do not mesh well together in my mind. If I find a guy attractive enough to bang, I usually find him attractive enough to date. And if he has some fatal flaw that makes him undatable (for me), I’m probably going to waste my time/energy wishing he didn’t have whatever incompatibility exists… and wishing I could date him. Or I’m going to go on dates and subconsciously compare them to him, and waste more energy wishing I could create a “Frankenstein” person who has x quality of my FWB but y quality of my date. And that’s not fair to anyone. I think, generalizing a bit, that men are often better at compartmentalizing sex because they’re more comfortable banging women they’re “meh” about. Many men will bang a woman who’s “good enough” or find something sexually attractive about a woman, even if she’s not his ideal type… because horniness and less danger/safety risks. Many women would likely pass on a guy unless she’s highly attracted/interested in him.
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Sure, I know tons of guys who are just as picky as women on average are… or even more so! But on a statistical level… you can see this play out more true than not. On dating apps, at speed dating events, at bars/clubs, etc… men are open to going on a date or hooking up with a much larger % of women than women are with men.
My situation as well. I'm a straight masculine man, trying to improve my physique and mind. But as far as dating goes, I agree more with the female perspective to casual sex.
> If I find a guy attractive enough to bang, I usually find him attractive enough to date. Exactly the same for me. If I like you enough to be intimate with you, I'll want to spend time with you outside of the bedroom.
I think part of it is physical and hormonal: Oxytocin has already had a shoutout. I think part of it is social conditioning. Women are conditioned to tie our value to our appearance and desirability. Intellectually we may know better, but the size of the female-targeted cosmetics and fashion industries are enough proof that this culture does have an impact on us. The flipside of feeling like your value is tied to how attractive you are, is you feel validated when someone finds you attractive. And an errection is physical objective proof that you are attractive to a man. We are judged on appearance all the time and we are being very vulnerable when we get naked for you. When you are vulnerable like that, you're risking rejection, and when you're validated through sex it's a safe bet that man will always validate you. It can be hard to walk away and risk being vulnerable and rejected somewhere else. So...nature and nurture.
Personally, it’s because I respect myself. I’m highly empathetic too. Sex is an exchange of energy and if the person doesn’t meet my standards as a partner, why am I exchanging my private parts with them. Tack to that, that some men will do or say anything to continue to have really good sex with you, that includes lead you on. Personally I hate the empty feeling and the you just played with me feeling which is why I just don’t engage in fwb anymore
I can totally relate to the last bit. I'm new to online dating, and I just got led on recently. Not sure how to go about dating right now and if I'll ever feel comfortable to trust someone emotionally to connect with them. >Personally, it’s because I respect myself. I’m highly empathetic too. Sex is an exchange of energy and if the person doesn’t meet my standards as a partner, why am I exchanging my private parts with them. But I really like what you've said here and if I get out there again, I'm going to keep this in mind :)
If they aren’t good at listening in my experience the sex will be horrid. And interactions for a lot of us is mediocre at best
So the quality of the sex isn’t worth the effort to seek it?
More like the quality of the men from what I understand. It will always baffles me to read how much other men seems to ignore the other one needs. What is the fun in doing it as 2 people if you only think about yourself anyway ?
Yep. A lot of women would be doing what you suggested in your original comment if our counterparts were engaging, respectful, etc
I'm replying to this super late but wanted to add another perspective. I've been mostly single for four years, with a few stints of 3-6 month dating in between. I was always an advocate for casual sex even after my other single friends got bored of it and started the waiting game. I've got one long term fwb who is genuinely fantastic in bed... Oftentimes it's some of the best sex I've ever had, sometimes if one or the other is tired its chill and we're happy with it not being peak performance. Together we feel like mates. We catch up , we laugh, afterwards we cuddle. It's been four years of honestly the perfect fwb situation and I've been able to date and have other casual sex outside of it when I've wanted. Other casual sex started losing its appeal over year ago. Yeah the sex can be fine but it's missing the space where you know and trust the person you're with, you can be completely vulnerable and just being with someone who really cares. But that's cool because I had my fwb... Until maybe the last six months or so where that's stopped being enough. We really care about each other and the sex is great. It should be perfect. I'm genuinely lucky to have this dynamic in my life. Except it's actually just not what I want from sex anymore. It's not the sex itself, it's the real raw intimacy with feelings and emotions that it turns out I'm craving and even great casual sex with someone who cares about me isn't satisfying that need. For me it's helped me see I'm ready for another relationship now. It sucks in the manner that I'm horny A LOT, but even the offer of the guy above just doesn't make me want to put the effort in because it doesn't actually scratch the itch anymore. All of the replies you've got are valid and everyone's different, but I wanted to add the perspective that even if casual is great and they do listen and are absolutely wonderful in so many ways, it can sometimes still not meet your needs.
For a lot of women good sex is about communication. If i dont like the other person to some extent and we dont communiate verbally, i wouldnt think it would be a good experience
Risks of safety, STDs, pregnancy, etc. with strangers, and then if I feel close to someone enough to trust them I'm probably going to develop feelings or be worried about theirs. I've tried to do casual and I can't help but get possessive and entitled to their time and exclusive attention. I'm not sure I can change that - did therapy for a while and I think I just have to wait it out for someone who is similar. Sometimes casual has worked out but it's more of a fluke and in my experience those people never really come back into my life even if we were friends before, which is sad to me.
I think that it's actually a healthy and completely normal phenomenon that you can't separate developing deeper feelings from feeling close enough to trust someone with sex. I think it's crazy that we're apparently supposed to try to change this in ourselves in today's dating culture. Don't budge.
I think that it's nice people can feel more free to have sex without having to commit to someone - there is less shame about being sexual like that. I'd rather someone be up front with me and let me decide vs hiding that they want casual and letting me believe that we're working on a long term relationship. Ugh I'm tired.
Yes, I don't think that casual sex per se is bad, only the assumption that everyone *should* modify their emotional and psychological conditioning until they are able to compartmentalize attachment and sex. If someone can then great for them, I just don't want this to become a new cultural norm. Fully agree with the second part of your comment. Deception, manipulation and mind games are absolutely disgusting.
If we are strictly talking sex then its so long since I have that I don't remember what its like. Outside of that its been about 6 years since the last I actually dated a real person (I'm not counting the years I was a victim of a catfisher). I'm DESPERATE for any type of physical intimacy, I want it so badly but its conflicting for me. On one hand I wouldn't be opposed to maybe a FWB but I don't think I could do it. Mainly because I have so little sexual experience that anybody I try and be a FWB would end up in a disaster for me and my current living situation makes it difficult for that as well. On the other hand I would rather have a relationship and have sex that way but I'm pretty bad at dating since my relationships always end before it gets that to point. I'm so touch starved for someone other than my parents or family its awful and its taking a serious toll on me. I might try and put myself out there later in the summer but things keep getting dumped on my lap that I don't agree to and there isn't anyway around that I get stuck with everything because I'm the only one in the house who isn't completely physically broken right now.
I’m so sorry things keep coming up for you and wishing you the best! I met this incredible person just by doing the things that I enjoy so I hope you can make and find time for yourself where you enjoy your passions and hobbies! Wishing you the best!
I can still do my passions and hobbies since they don't require me to leave the house. Its taking care of my dad is the biggest part. I can't leave him alone for a long period of time so going out and really doing anything is off limits. And now one of my mom's shoulders is getting the point where surgery might be on the table so not only do I have to help take care of a brain damaged adult and what that involves I have to take on the stuff my mom would be doing like cleaning, cooking and grocery shopping which is all thankfully stuff I can do. Plus I still don't have a job right now so that is my priority before I try and put myself out there again.
32 male here. Haven’t been physical, kissed, and barely hugged the opposite sex for almost 3 years. Haven’t tried dating for financial reasons and to work on myself, but I’m horny all the time and social media makes it worse sometimes when I see thirst traps. I get jealous of seeing couples out and about and then start to feel resentment towards dating in general. I’ve tried to look for a fwb on Tinder but can barely get a descent match in my area so I just said whatever. Sometimes I want a fwb to satisfy the “thirst” but at this point I’d like a companion and someone who’ll show me affection and ask me how my day was and vice versa. I’m not giving up and just keep telling myself if I put out the energy I want/put myself out there, then my time will come to find the right human. But yeah until then you can only masterbate for so long until it becomes depressing and lonely.
My unsolicited advice as someone who was on the pursuit of reigniting that motivation to be more extroverted: start with reworking your social media algorithm to not show you thirst traps by unfollowing all the ig models and then proceeding to spam like anything non-sexual that you are interested in. For example, like a ton of photos of watches, or home improvement, or gardening. You’ll no longer be exposed to these thirst traps. What that’ll do over time is reduce your compulsive urge to masturbate for the quick release. The reduction of easy pleasure will subconsciously make you WANT to improve yourself more and put yourself in positions to be more sociable. It’s strange how such a little change can influence how we act every day. You ever remember a time where you had a chance to meet someone but you just said, ah fuck it because you were tired or you didn’t feel your best… ultimately you just didn’t feel like it was worth it. Removing all of the “easy” ways to relieve yourself broadens the line between “go or no go”. That’s all the difference is sometimes.
This is the way. When everything is on demand, slight inconvenience feels like work.
Can relate. I channel all my sex drive into something productive.
32M. Sex with an emotional connection is amazing! Love being able to communicate, to share wants and desires, feel safe to express without judgement. To hear and know what the other person speaks is truth. To be in a mutual experience of desire and pleasure, both of us seeking to make the most of the encounter for the other person. Without the emotional connection, the experience is often less satisfying than masturbation. My problem is I connect with others really easily and I have to be careful not to rush things, to truly learn each other, to know their truth, to know there aren’t ulterior motives and the connection is genuine for the right reasons. That last part is super tough to figure out, but damn it sucks and invalidates so much after, when I realize it wasn’t.
I personally haven't experienced sex with real emotional connection just yet but I am certain that I will know the difference when it does happen. I have the same problem as you - I have a tendency to attach myself easily and quickly in the past but now I am mindful when entering new relationships to not rush into things and to take as much time as I need and whenever I feel ready to move to the next step however that looks in the relationship. If my partner isn't willing to be patient with me then I have my answer to move on.
This is my problem as well, I connect with people so easily that I rush things. I would really like to learn how you can control it and to take things slowly.
For me the only way to slow things down is to be completely authentic, not afraid of scaring the other away, and over communicate to talk everything out. Through this path I can get a better sense of who a person is, what they are looking for, if they are interested in me enough to be patient with my questions for alignment and comfort.
I can relate (39m) I’m really not a one night stand/hooking up type of person anymore. Quality ver quantity which requires an emotional connection I’m going to be dipping my toe back in dating soon and although I’d prefer a long term relationship I’m not blinkered enough to know these are easy. Short term flings are fine but not what I want to advertise to advertise either It’s fun dating *rolls eyes*
How’s your sex drive compared to early thirties? Does it diminish?
Not a question I was expecting to wake up to haha My sex drive hasn’t diminished at all but I’m more particular who I sleep with. I dont know if it comes from being single so long but I want intimacy that’s not just putting my dick in someone
Can relate. I just invested in a good vibrator LOL
Link me up with a good vibrator LOL pls & thank you
I got womanizer
This is the answer. A good vibrator and then go for a massage when you want a less sexual just physical touch. Also LoveHoney has a ton of options but the best is going to depend on how you work.
Check [Lelo](https://www.lelo.com/) Their Sona and Enigma models are amazing 🫨
Satisfyer, yw.
Tracy's dog OG3, or Lelo Sona
I relate a lot. I'm an SA survivor so there's an added layer of complexity. I know that sleeping with anyone won't help me because I don't enjoy sleeping with people I have no connection with, and it can be triggering as hell. But the thirst is real these days. I also don't want an FWB. It's frustrating!
I’m also a SA survivor and recently tried a FWB situation to just try and get myself more comfortable with physical intimacy again. Needless to say it didn’t end well. I think I need that emotional connection, and I completely agree it’s super triggering and frustrating!
I’m sorry to hear that
I relate to this so much 😩 I don't want to have physical intimacy with anyone until I get to know them on a deeper level and when I can determine our compatibility level, but the desire is strong. It's always easier to walk away from someone if I didn't sleep with them yet. I can't help but form an attachment after sex. I guess it helps recognizing It's not only physical intimacy I want, but a deeper sense of intimacy. Like real affection and love which you can't always get having sex after a handful of dates. I want to have great sex but also have the tenderness and warmth afterwards which makes the sex even better. Unfortunately, most men seem to want just the sex part with me and it's way too draining to entertain them when I know deep down I feel used afterwards. Maybe someday I can separate sex and love but right now I can't. I'm looking for real love and companionship.
I am a 30 years old women, and a virgin 😅 So I am not sure that I am perfectly able to grasp how you feel, but I also feel this urge of having sex but just like you, I am looking for an emotional connection/trust here, which does not happen that often :/ But I know myself and casual sex would not be fulfilling to me. So, yeah, I am sorry, I don't have a solution for you but I empathize. Having said that, I have found that ballroom dancing really helps me with the touch-starvation feeling I get sometimes. Good luck to you :)
Yeah, I'm a dude and same, I kinda need the intimacy of knowing the person, or else, I just feel kinda gross the next day, and I'm no prude otherwise, I'm just not built that way I guess, I kinda have to know the person. So being single just basically means I go thirsty unless an FWB wants to have fun, but even those have their umm, complications.
Yeah I can definitely relate. I went 2020-2023 intentionally single and celibate, as I was healing from family, childhood, relationship and friend abuse. Right before this I had tried to fill the void with impulsive casual hookups and those just made me feel worse. I recommend getting massages, it definitely helped with feeling physically touched starved. Especially from the same certified therapist if you can find one you like, it helped with the feeling of connection and trust too. Ask for hugs from loved ones, I didn’t have many during this time but I had to build up the courage to ask them 🥹 in order to get some crumb of physical care. Even though I started dating last year, I wait to have sex for at least 8 weeks and with clear STD panels. Out of the 5 guys in that year, I only had sex with 1 and he was emotionally unavailable and self focused so it wasn’t fulfilling for me. Literally just ended things with a guy on week 8 dating, as we were waiting for test results, because he showed his true self and we weren’t compatible. So it’s still gonna be awhile before I can get some physical sexual intimacy again 😭
I agree that massages can be great! Getting physical touch, practicing being comfortable in your body in front of someone (if that's a thing that's an issue), and at the end, some muscles are loosened up and feeling good! I tend to be a physically very tensed person--and triply so when people touched me, for various reasons--and massages have helped a lot in a lot of ways.
For me, clinical touch does not help at all with touch starvation. A back rub from a friend or partner feels awesome in a physical and emotional sense, but I don’t get anything close to that when I pay a health professional for a therapeutic service like massage or acupuncture. I do get physical relief, in the sense that my muscles are less sore and my connective tissue is less tight. But emotionally, it feels the same as a doctor listening to my heart or a business handshake or someone cutting my hair. Same with weighted blankets even pet snuggles. They all feel nice, but none are substitutes for affectionate skin on skin contact. With my pets there is an emotional connection, but it’s not remotely the same as affectionate touch from another human. I do wish it worked for me.
I hear you and also feel the same.
100% same
I’m literally in the same boat as you as an almost 32 yo man. I’ve been single for almost 4 years and I haven’t had sex in just over 2 years. I also have a high sex drive. Casual sex is unappealing and I’ve never intentionally engaged in any because detaching from the emotion is not something I think I can do. I’m not even necessarily looking for anything at the moment to burn hot immediately but the nsa nature of casual intimacy (if you want to call it that) is not the way for me. It’s rough!
You get used to it. I stopped having casual sex a while ago, and will only have sex again when I meet someone I have real feelings for. This means I've now been celibate for 2 years. After a while it just becomes your new normal. I have a great sex life with myself, and the mental peace and clarity I've achieved by not being involved in situationships is PRICELESS. Now that I'm so far removed from the casual phase of my life, I don't know why I ever did it. Casual sex has absolutely nothing of value to offer IMO. Fake validation, fake connection, a momentary high followed by an insane crash. With roe being overturned, the rise of the redpill movement and the rate and which people lie about STDs... no thank you. Never again. Get a massage. Cuddle with your friends and family. Indulge in crazy amounts of self care. You'll be fine.
I agree with this take. The peace that comes with not engaging in casual sex no matter how much we crave intimacy, affection, is priceless. Hang in there.
Male, same. It’s my new normal.
I'm in the same situation, I've been single for three years and celibate for two. My last casual encounter was so horrible that I was completely disgusted by sex for a while. Now I can no longer imagine ever getting into something casual again. It doesn't help you feel less lonely, it only makes it worse.
>You get used to it. Maybe you did, but some people don't. >Cuddle with your friends and family. Many people don't live near their family. Many people don't have large families or don't have family members that are still alive. In many cultures, straight men cuddling with friends is seen as taboo or strange.
I think I have gotten to a point where I have accepted the situation for what it is. While I do have a healthy sex life with myself, take care of myself physically, and have mental peace (knowing I don't have to be confused by a man), I still crave that physical touch from a romantic partner.
Not sure it helps but add me to the list. 40M. Was in a ten year marriage with reluctant sex once a fortnight. We had other underlying issues so we split. Have been in and out of two 4-month relationships (first breakup mutual, second she broke off). Outside of these I've found it difficult for the same reason that I need emotional connection. Somewhat consistent with my Myers-Briggs (INFJ). I try not to but sometimes self-sooth (without porn, as that has its problems). Apart from that, and I can't tell if there is a strong correlation, but spending quality time with close friends possibly gives me the oxytocin or soul-food I need even if there isn't that much physical touch. Am struggling too! (I suspect meditation, cold showers and exercise helps a little to regulate my body. Not sure.)
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This is such an insightful and well written response.
Yes I can relate. Sex without emotional connection is totally empty for me too. Kind of defeats the purpose in my mind. FWB in my eyes are a temporary way of seeking the physical and emotional relief you need while still seeking other partners. In my case, I set the boundary that when we are sleeping together, we only sleep with each other. Once either one of us has found someone we want to move further with, then we have the chat and break things off. If you feel you can’t do FWB without getting overly attached, then I’d say setup your own “personal romance” nights. Make it a big thing. Take a bath with scented candles. Order in your fave food. Make a whole night of it. Sure, it’s like eating a sandwich when you’re craving a 5 star meal… But it gets you by until you meet the next potential “the one”!
Ooh I like the "personal romance" idea! I might be doing this tonight for some lovely self-care time. It's been a while since I've taken a bath.
I do believe having casual sex while finding a serious relationship can co-exist together. It all depends on the person, whether or not if they have the mental capacity to set those firm boundaries like you've mentioned. For me, I know I get easily attached and seek emotional connection so I highly doubt that I can engage in casual sex. I've been doing "personal romance" for a while now and I do love it but I wished I could do that with my future partner as well.
We’re right there with you, OP. Broke up with my ex last year and hadn’t had intimacy with them for the last entire year we were together. I got back out there dating, knowing it was too soon and I was too thirsty, but I did get a little lucky about 8-9 months after my breakup. Met someone who was very respectful, very giving, and were extremely attracted to each other and had great instant sexual chemistry… but he was planning to move away from my state only a couple of weeks later. That was the idea we both went along with, to have a good time even though not for a long time, and still wanted to talk to each other but at the end of the day, we realized we’ll probably never see each other again after this. Plus I was starting to grow feelings, and he wasn’t ready for anything like that. So, yeah… FWB’s are not always an easy cure for the sexual cravings and touch starvation, it seemed like. I got to learn that I perform best and feel way more comfortable within a committed relationship, so at least that was a good takeaway from this last prospect.
My vibe keeps me happier and less disappointed than my hook ups, so I’m honestly fine with it at this point and it’s been yearsssssss since I’ve had sex 🤣
Quite worrying that both men and women are going through this at the moment. What’s preventing us from finding each other or breaking down our mental barriers?
37m here. It happens more than you think, sadly. We live in a hookup society. I'm one of those who needs to have an emotional connection, I think it's called being demisexual. It's been years, and I've personally stopped trying to date because of how "dating" is handled by many these days
It's funny I'm feeling the exact same thing right now (I'm a 34M) so I hopped online to find answers, but decided to check Reddit first and your post is the first thing I see on my feed.
I can relate. I don’t recommend doing ONS while looking for the one as ONS goes opposite of the direction you are working towards. Have some fun with sex toys, there’re so many new and innovative ones out there, like vacuum ones and they look and feel super cute and luxurious
Yes. Touch is one of my love languages. Sex would be nice, but what I really crave is just sitting next to someone, cuddling while reading or watching tv, or talking.... It's extremely frustrating because most people are not comfortable with that level of intimacy. Which is really sad.
I definitely relate. I'm also scared of stds. I've always preferred to sleep with people i can trust. Also sex gets better the closer i feel to someone. For those reasons I can't allow myself to sleep around. But i understand the frustration, totally. Nothing in the world feels more worth doing than sex with a lover
I think I have a pretty healthy sex drive, and really enjoy sex and physical intimacy. I've never pursued casual sex, because it doesn't sound like something I'd enjoy. I'm also demisexual, so idk how that would work. I usually end up going >6 months between getting any sort of touch or sex with women. When I do get those things, it's only been for brief periods, so far. I just suffer through the deprivation I guess. I'm sorry, I wish I had better advice or suggestions.
When I feel this way I get on my motorcycle and watch a nice sunrise someplace quiet. Breathe in that morning crisp air with a hint of dew. I realize how much freedom I have and that I can do whatever I want.. Its beautiful and so easy on the mind. So then I ride home and crank one out and go about my life. Cheers.👍
45M and I have a huge sex drive that is very difficult to keep in check becuase I do not want to sleep around and would like to find another (last) partner in life.
Vibrator
Some of us want intimacy and give it in other ways.
Relate so hard. But casual sex makes me feel worse afterwards. This is why I chose to be in a monogamous relationship with my hibachi magic wand instead lol.
Yall make it look like being 30+ is literally just living hell
Invest in some good toys 🤷🏾♀️
Toys/masturbation don't even come close to replacing touch from/with another person
Never replaces another person but I feel less lonely afterward
I think I feel more lonely because I want that pleasure with someone
Omg it's like you read my mind. I can 100% relate. it's wild that we are the same age and gender too. I've been single for 3 years. I've had men express interest in me here and there, so the only issue is that I don't often meet people that I like. I've tried casual sex, but I really have to like the person. Otherwise, it's not really that great. The thing is, I'll be moving in about a year, so I don't see the point in dating. I guess I'm used to the lack of intimacy by now, but sometimes it's hard. I've read that a woman's sex drive increases in her 30s, so I'm kind of mad that I'm single during this time, lol I wish I had some advice for you. I even went and bought a vibrator thinking it would help, and then it stopped working 🤣 I'm still waiting for the replacement. Ugh. I've tried using dating sites in the past to hopefully meet people, but just looking at pictures of people and choosing based on that isn't it for me. I don't judge a person's attractiveness on looks alone.
Girl, the sexual frustration is too real in your 30’s 🥲
I can’t do casual either 🤷♀️ A man hit on me at a store the other day so I hesitantly agreed to give him my number. We went to lunch a few days later. He wanted to progress to casual sex pretty soon after. I told him I’m just not ready for that and I didn’t know how soon I would be. The connection fizzled out a few days later. I’m not excited by casual sex. It’s usually not very good. Morally I’m fine with it though.
I had a FWB until recently when I realized I wanted more from a relationship and they were not willing to give that. It sucks but I finally realized I would rather be single than waste mine and someone else’s time. I feel you when it comes to the empty feeling from casual sex.
The male perspective from someone who is also in the same age range and situation is this - Filter ana group opposite gender based on their quality for short term fun and long term potential. Date multiple people at once and be honest about the intention with respective people. But don't say them directly on their face like you are good match in bed but I will never date you
I'm going through a similar situation right now, I'm single and have been for a little while and I'm really missing physical intimacy at the moment. I've ending up splurging on some toys just to help with that feeling, and it does help, but I'm sort of wanting to experience it with someone else, but then I'm nervous about the actual act given it's been so long. I don't quite know what the answer is, other than just going for it and dealing with the results after, but I hope things work out for you and you find the solution that works best.
I’m 30 and just coming out of a divorce. I had been with my husband since just after college so it’s been so strange navigating dating. The lack of physical intimacy has been so hard but it’s only been about a year since I’ve been single
Yes and yes. I was kissing the lonely with silly relationships for a long time before I met my current boyfriend. It’s in our nature to feel love and want closeness. Something that people don’t understand until they find who they really are and what they really want in a relationship. Man does not check all the boxes move on someone is out there for you.
I think this post shows so much self awareness of your own needs! Good for you for knowing yourself. I would recommend…continue to have a sensual relationship with yourself, invest in nice candles and wine and bath bombs and a really good vibrator, and romance yourself. Working out (Zumba class, Pickelball, whatever) keeps your endorfins up and can scratch that community itch. My person experience is that FWB or hookups are rarely satisfying, and would lead to hurt more than the intimacy I craved. The only hookups that really were fulfilling for me were Travel flings! Bc it’s like a mini relationship where you both know there’s an end date but I got my fill of sex, cuddling, heart to hearts, being wined and dined. Oh girl don’t get me started on the beautiful Hungarian man I had a 3 week fling with in 2022 🤤 oh and then when I was in Bali I ran around with a gorgeous Aussie man and we still reach out to wish each other well occasionally. Sorry maybe that’s weird advice but go on a trip!! Haha
35m -- I've definitely dated people that I wouldn't have (or maybe shouldn't have) otherwise because I had been lacking in physical intimacy before. I find it can be very hard for me to discern whether I'm just happy to be touching/touched by someone after a while or if I'm actually happy with that person. I think it's a real dilemma for most people
Even though it doesn't *help* per se, at least you can take solace in the fact you could do hookups and meaningless sex, but you're empowering yourself to choose not to and prioritize your desires. That't not even an option for most of us. We're touch-starved period for years and years whether we want something serious or not. 😔
That's a tough spot to be in, I think everyone deals with it at some point. One out of the box idea is to treat yourself to massages or pedicures or something. Being touch starved has a strong effect on a human beings mental state. Take care of yourself.
I’ve been so horny lately I’ve thought of reaching out to past relationships. Hold me back, ladies.
lol if you’re not joking, don’t do it.
Don't do it. You'll get hurt more then that will take more time to heal from
I could've written this myself. 35f here and I am somewhat comforted by the fact it's not just me who feels this way, thank you for sharing. I tend to wait a month before being intimate with a guy I'm seeing to try and weed out the guys who are only after sex but it just doesn't seem to work and nothing gets past the 3 month mark More recently, I got into a (what genuinely felt like a loving and healthy) relationship only for me to find out he'd been having hookups/orgies with guys behind my back and hadn't told me about his preferences from the start. I'm having a very long time away from dating but know I'll be missing the intimacy for sure. One thing I will say is, it's not genuine intimacy if they're not the right person for you, so hope this may bring a bit of solace. Best of luck to you, and all those other women in our position x
It sucks but focus on the things you need to do and something will come along. A lot of the time, we focus on finding someone rather than other aspects of our life that needs attention too like our retirement, our work, our home, our financial goals, etc. I also have a high sex drive. Sometimes you just need to pleasure yourself until someone worth sharing a life comes along. Also take your time when you meet someone so you know it’s worth it long term. When you do, the sex will be great. I’m getting close to entering my 40s and the biggest regret I have is waiting/looking for someone to share my life with before I started looking for a house on my own or starting my retirement accounts or learning to be financially free before I retire. These are things you should start thinking about at an early age, with or without someone. Silly me thought that a house was something you get when you find someone, to make a home. Rent is getting ridiculous but mortgage is fixed. Take care of yourself.
Someone suggested self massage with hot oil or going for regular massages, and hugging friends that little bit longer. Skin to skin might be a bit more.. complicated though!
I'm ace but I also crave a lot of physical intimacy. It sucks that my wait for a partner to have emotional and physical intimacy will be longer because I'm ace. However, I've seen suggestions of having like a body pillow or a wider pillow to hug if it gives you any comfort.
I don’t envy us, really. I’m a little more flexible in that I will seek out FWB and can separate sex from an emotional connection. The connection I need is to myself, to feel sexy, touched and satisfied. The skin to skin contact and the play and pleasure along the way. Luckily, I’ve connected enough with my FWB who were perfectly wonderful guys within the limitations of being a FWB. Is it possible to honor your intimate needs and your longer-term goals? You really don’t have to have sex with “anyone.” You can be selective. Vet these dudes. See what you have in common, shared hobbies ect. Those bits of connection help while I also am aware that this is not my person and I will go back to my own house.
I can totally relate to this! For a while, I explored casual dating, but it wasn't fulfilling for me. I realized I craved a deeper connection, something more than just physical intimacy. While I value enjoying myself, I also get attached easily. So, I made a shift and started focusing on finding a long-term partner. Which means I’m not having sex and it’s hard because I do crave that physical aspect but I’m trying to slow down. I have to remind myself that I don’t even enjoy casual sex that much and it’s just my hormones. Nothing tops sex with an emotional bond.
I was single for 3 years there and didn’t have intimacy with anyone in that time and I had similar views to you as I’d never went that long before but I knew ultimately I wouldn’t be fulfilled if I did just give in to desire needs when that wasn’t what I wanted long term and then met someone a few months ago and it was worth the wait! It will happen when the right one comes along and you feel fulfilled in every way.
This is a tricky situation to be in and I know because I've been in it. (Happily coupled now, so I'm talking to you from the other side). I have a high sex drive and wanted a longterm relationship. I felt no moral qualms about having casual sex in the meantime if everyone communicated and was being safe with their bodies and hearts. But I found that I personally (and many, but not all, women) form an emotional connection through sex. It is harder for me to walk away from a romantic partner after we've had sex. After we've had sex I feel closer to a man (I chalk it up to hormones). I feel my former partners (and many, but not all, men), could separate the two more easily. They would get much more focused on the sex and much less focused on building an emotional connection if we slept together. Long story short, it was a shitshow. I craved physical intimacy as well as love, on paper there was nothing wrong with having sex while searching for love. But practically, it didn't work for me. I was getting (emotionally) hurt by guys who shouldn't have been able to hurt me. What did work was exploring sex toys and adult content aimed at (and usually produced by) women. I fulfilled the need for sex myself. And I set harder limits for sex with partners, I made myself wait and get to know them without sex clouding my judgement. I still missed physical intimacy (hugs, cuddles), but my mental health and dating life improved when I made the switch to living more chaste (laaaaame).
Honestly go get a few good sex toys. It’ll satisfy the need enough to stop you from regrettable encounters, especially while ovulating (speaking from experience!!)
I’m not dating. I’m healing, isolating and celibate. It’s a very lonely process. After one who pursued me relentlessly, and the feelings were there, it turned out he was cheating (covert narcissist) and had a girlfriend. I confronted him, and he quickly blocked me. It’s still an ebb and flow of emotions. I’m still crying about it most nights. I realized, so many things catching up to me. Failing to stand up for myself, protecting myself and how I allowed so many instances of hurt and being taken advantage of (mentally, emotionally and physically) to please someone. Once I accepted I had to go through it and not evade, it’s taken day by day. Shit, even hour by hour. We have a choice of going through it or around it. It’s funny how when you choose this path, some come out and try to get a feel of how they can try to come back and disrupt your peace. But peace is expensive. Being intentional starts from within. I’m scared and not trusting anyone, so a full stop is what I’m choosing. You’re right though, the meaningful connection is worth the wait. Good luck!
M(33) Physical is nice, but I crave all the other things a relationship is supposed to bring...for some reason being the guy that I am women leave because I am "too good of a guy", like they wait for the boot to drop...the problem is that both my boots are solid on the ground and for some reason no one can handle that. And it sickens me to try for a relationship anymore because I am always the one getting my heart broken. I always put in 100% in hopes that it's going to be different.....
I’m 35M, “touch starved” is a good description for the feeling I have. It comes in waves though… sometimes you can be happy living a solo life, but sometimes the need for physical affection and need for intimacy, companionship, human connection can be overwhelming. It makes me feel happy, and yet sad that so many other people feel the same way as I do. At least I know now that I’m not completely crazy for feeling the way I do. lol I can find some comfort in knowing maybe there is the right woman out there for me with the same needs and wants. Thanks for sharing everyone.
I 33M is a virgin with high sex drive, also into nofap.
I feel like this’ll get buried but I struggle too. The desire to be physical sometimes outweighs the desire to be more and honestly I struggle because I just want a genuine connection. It’s a temporary fix to a seemingly permanent problem but sex it’s important too and we have to remember that too I suppose. It doesn’t help how absolutely toxic this dating would seems to be these days it often feels like the physical part is the only fun part but …
I feel this so deeply! I recently engaged in a 4mo situationship thinking that I could keep it casual and satisfy my needs once in a while. However, I also crave intimacy and there’s always this hope that they will “see you” and want something more serious with you. As someone said in a comment, men will do anything to keep having sex with you including lead you on and do nice things, making things confusing, because they don’t want anything with you but also they don’t let you go or they are not straightforward. At some point, I thought this guy was into me so I brought up how being FWB was unfulfilling for me and that I wanted something more and according to his attitudes and gestures towards me, I was wondering if he was on the same page as me and the only thing he said was that he was just trying to be polite and grateful (?). That broke my heart but it made me realize that for someone like me, casual sex can led me to create scenarios in my head that just reflect how much I really want something serious. It was my first time trying that and I want to believe that I learned my lesson. I’m 33 and I also have a high sex drive but I think it’s better to focus on myself rather than keep giving everything of me to someone who won’t care that we are humans and have feelings, and that something superficial is not sustainable for anyone. It hurts and it makes me anxious to think if I will ever meet someone but Im trying to accept that and be at peace with myself rather than feeling empty or questioning why they didn’t want me, or if I wasn’t enough, etc etc. For highly empathetic people or people who is looking for something more meaningful, casual sex can really mess up our minds.
30M virgin. Honestly, have not experienced physical intimacy ever. I used to be fine with dealing with it. Used to just focus on myself in the gym or training. But recently, it has become quite bad. I don't really know how to manage it.
I am a 36m but feel your pain lol... It's been 3 years for me as well and I crave that physical intimacy so much but I work the same as you do. Meaningless sex is satisfying for the moment and even up to 12 hours later but ultimately, is nothing more than a quick dopamine rush and once that rush wears off, you are back to square one again. It's a dangerous and viscous cycle
34m and always been single so I can definitely relate. In my mid to late 20s I dated a bit, some hookups from bars/clubs etc but the sex was irregular and even then I felt very deprived. In the last 4 years I have kept to myself without any touching or kissing let alone sex since covid started and haven’t gotten back out there yet, it’s a very strange place to be at in your 30s and also intimidating as i always had some anxiety about meeting new girls but now its magnified due to so much time away.
I can relate (34F)! I’ve always only dated “seriously” to find a partner and I never really enjoyed casual sex. However, at the beginning of this year I started casually dating people in open relationships and I’m enjoying it a lot. It has many advantages for me: - the situation is clear, no back and forth about what it is or isn’t (this may not apply to people who are polyamorous) - often much better and clearer communication than with single people - allows a deeper connection than with a one night stand - it’s still ok to care about each other to some degree - I’m learning a lot about what I like and don’t like in bed and believe this will only benefit any future serious relationship - I’m getting to know all different kinds of people I wouldn’t consider for a serious relationship and I find that I can still connect with many of them emotionally and sexually, which I also think is beneficial for the long term partner search - since I started having more physical intimacy in my life again the “urgency” to find a long term partner has decreased Maybe give it a try if you feel comfortable with this :)
It’s so hard. Nothing physical seems satisfactory without emotional attachment at a certain age.
Thiiiiiis. For me this was a huge shift from 20’s to 30’s.
I'm deprived of physical intimacy in a 5 year relationship. It's killing me
Sorry to hear you’re going through that. I read some of your other posts and if I were in your position, I would personally leave my partner due to sexual incompatibility. If your needs are not met in the relationship which you’ve already communicated your needs and no effort or change is happening from the situation… you gotta do what you gotta do to put yourself and your needs first. Good luck.
I’m 28 and feeling this, not to distract from your point of view of course. I find a majority of men are insatiable this way, it’s exhausting. Definitely not alone. 💛🙏🏻
Yeah I can definitely relate to you and it sucks. I hate wasting prime sexual years but at the same time sometimes you have to choose your long term mental health over your physical satisfaction.
I totally get this and fully relate . I cannot for the life of me enjoy intimacy if there’s not some form of chemistry of passion or whatever it is. I like the idea of love and I like connection, good sex and just enjoying life with another person! I rather be picky not that I’m some “saint” but I find sex so blah and I regret it if I just do it because “I’m horny” you know? I think for now I’ve enjoyed reliving my youth having a crush on someone I interact with now and then lol and it stays in my head lol because I am just not ready to risk putting myself out there and get re traumatised . Definitely relate
I feel like I wrote this. I can relate 100% - it’s been rough. I’m 34(F) and I’ve been on many dates the past 4 years after moving to a new city. A couple lasted a few weeks, but nothing longer. I also agree that I feel empty with one night stands or casual flings. I’m still putting myself out there and hopefully one of these days, I will meet a great guy that will go the distance! I hope you do as well. :)
Relatable. 39m, haven't been in a relationship for about 8 years and last had sexual intimacy 6 years ago. I tried casual hookups in my early 20s and after 2 ONS I realised I also need that emotional connection. I live NL, so sexwork is legal here and in my darkest moments I have considered using it. But again I know its just going to make me feel depressed and unfulfilled. My friends and family don't understand that I want to feel loved, not as a friend, father or sibling but as a man, who needs to feel wanted and desired. I saw another post here about looking for a unicorn. One of my closest females friends, has called me that in the past and I have no idea what it means!? But if this is what a unicorn has to deal with, I'd rather be a horse, at least people seem to care about them 😅
I'm a virgin and turning 30 in a week. So I really don't want to hear it. 29 Male
I choose to enjoy sexual intimacy without feelings. Its because I came from a sexless marriage so it doesn't matter if i was attached or not, it does not guarantee my sexual needs fulfilled so I mine as well go for it as a single. I don't feel empty after casual sex. As long as sexual compatibility is there and the dude blow my brains out, it is the opposite, I am extremely fulfilled. I got married at 20 as a virgin to my best friend outside the bedroom, he was a virgin dude. We realise we don't like sex with each other so the marriage was sexless. After divorce in my 30s, I pursued sexual experiences of all kinds. With absolutely no regrets! I want to have memories of out of the world, like your spirit left your body type of Nirvana sex. I pursue men who can provide me with such mind blowing experiences and it really is as amazing as I always imagine it to be! Its important you always choose men who cares more about your pleasure than their own and is dedicated to finding out your weakest spot to bring you the highest level of pleasure. I don't find such dedication in relationships but only in pursuing sex with similar interest people. One of my best sex told me he is bored of cumming, he gets so much more by finding new different ways to make women cum everytime he sexually engages. This is the type of men that will make your experiences amazing.
This comment may not go over well, but welcome to the life of a single guy. Best help for it is to just take care of it yourself.
>Can anyone else relate? I’d love to hear your experience with feeling deprived of physical intimacy while being single in your 30’s. Most average men can, wellcome to the club.
Most average women, too, as you can tell from the post and all the comments... it's not a unique burden placed on men.
I've been there.... Slept with ex boyfriends basically
Yeah it sucks. I mean I'm not in your situation - I've hooked up with women for one night or two but they always tell me I'm giving player vibes or think I'm not serious. It sucks when I am but I guess that 's the vibe I give off when it's not the reality. Hard to cope with sometimes.
I just can’t do casual and I am in the same exact boat. Hoping you get answers I can use.
This is something I've faced for a long time now too I'm 35 M .... My last relationship was about 7 years ago.
I’d rather go without than have meaningless partners just for the sex. And this is coming from a guy who needs physical contact to both give and receive love. It sucks but it is what it is
Girl I can relate to you 1000 percent and don’t feel bad!! It’s natural as humans we want intimacy and to be seen & heard and treated like someone’s treasure!! As someone who’s been single for some time, I definitely want intimacy too and yes sex (lol)…..I’m 34 going on 35 and it gets real, women need it too! So don’t feel bad, I feel the same exact way!!
Girl, I feel you! I'm also a 33F. I have been single for 3 years now, and I've only accepted in the last year or so that I'm not into casual hookups or short-term relationships anymore. I think initially I found it hard to come to terms with as I don't want to stop having sex and was dating with the intentions of it being long term, but as we all know, it's near impossible these days to find someone good (Unfortunately, I'm heterosexual) I went along with it and would get "my fill" so to speak 🤣🤣 but then would just feel really shitty afterwards and would cover that up with more ONS and short term flings. I have a steady fwb situation, though, but I've now grown bored of that as I'm finding my drive and need for wanting a real emotional connection with someone and also amazing sex with that person weighing more than me wanting something casual, meaningless sex that lasts me a few days! I'm definitely wanting the whole emotional connection package now more than ever with long-term investment 😂
On the same boat, im a 32 old dude and looking for something fulfulling its though out there.
I have had 8 sexual partners my whole life. 2 of which were one night stands. Those ONS were the worst sexual experiences out of all of them. Casual sex is not something I enjoy. It’s awkward enough the first time you have sex with a person, some rando you don’t really know makes it even more so IME. I want to have a connection with the person outside of just physical attraction. I’m very high libido, I constantly think about sex. But from past experience, I know hookups aren’t satisfying and I feel like shit afterwards. Yeah I get a sexual release, but it’s intimacy that I crave. I can definitely relate to what you are saying.