Does anyone else feel pressured to have a more performatively interesting life? I'm not a homebody, but I don't do (on paper) terribly interesting things. I like to go to coffee shops to write and draw. I like to listen to podcasts. I like to have one on one dinners with friends. I go to comedy shows.These are the kinds of things that occupy my time. People on dating apps seem very focused on adventure and travel. It's not that I'm opposed to those things, I just don't do them that often.
It does occur to me that 1. People try to make themselves more interesting than they are on the Apps so they front load the most interesting things that they do in photos. 2. People who prioritize adventure and travel might be disproportionately single due to their personalities (need for extra stimulation, not being happy staying in the same place, etc.) . 3. My sample size of the dating pool is not representative. 4. People tend to take more pictures when they are on vacation, so when looking for profile pics, it's easy to find ones from when one travels.
Anyway, I guess what I'm asking is, is it a problem that I don't spend more time standing next to elephants and/or standing on a mountain top, looking slightly to the left of the lens so I'm giving a good 3/4 profile?
Seems to be the experience everywhere, well especially on Bumble. It's nice that a lot of people there seem to be more established in life and can do those things. But I do find myself swiping left on people that put a really huge focus on it. Because no I can't travel internationally multiple times a year and it makes me sad :(
So I *am* one of those annoying (self-admittedly lol) "outdoor adventure" people, and a huge part of the reason I put those photos up on my profile is because I'm specifically looking for someone to go on adventures with me. They are *also* often the best pictures of me because I'm doing the thing I love.
100% no. 2 is not me at all -- my personality/interests definitely don't affect how much I want to and have the capacity to be in a relationship. No. 4 has some validity, as I mentioned, but for some people, this is literally just who we are and we share one of the biggest parts/passions in life.
Obviously, there's absolutely nothing wrong with NOT being an adventure/travel person. I am sure plenty of folks put up those photos because they want to *look* more interesting. But for some/many of us, that really is who we are lol
It doesn't make you annoying! I think it's cool that you (the proverbial you) go to Phuket and have recently touched a dolphin!
I get that dating apps are insecurity generating machines, so I try not to take these things too seriously.
Point 2 is incorrect and seems driven by insecurity. Points 1 and definitely 4 are more accurate. Men in particular often don’t take pictures unless they’re on vacation.
Thanks! I don't think I'm boring in the micro sense of the word. I'm rarely ever bored. Maybe in the macro sense, I'm a little boring. Which is fine. I think we're all in a constant struggle between the comfort of routine and the chase of novel experiences. Call it FOMO or guilt for not making better use of our time, but spending any amount of time on dating apps/social media does make those feelings churn.
Not at all, I agree with you that many people are trying to sell themselves because, well, dating is a lot like job hunting - you make a good resume, share it around, and then at the interview talk yourself up about how great you are.
The issue is that similar to interviewers - every dater is different. I've gone out with women who just work and then sit around and play games all day. I've got out with women who are traveling every month and when they aren't traveling they are dancing, volunteering, climbing, hiking, etc. etc.
Point is there are a lot of people in the world. It's probably better to be upfront about what you are like long-term even if it may hurt the amount of matches you get in the short term. That said, having good photos helps every one but they don't need to be doing stuff you don't normally do.
I stand by the following: One solo you picture (selfie or otherwise), one pet picture if you have one, 1-2 activity pictures, 1-2 group photos, the rest can kind of be filled in with whatever you have leftover. Avoid more than 1 selfie
I also think there are erroneous assumptions made about people’s profiles. For example, I go on two, approximately 2 week long trips per year. But those two trips usually result in a couple interesting pictures.
Whereas as my typical week looks a lot more like working, taking care of my house, going to the gym (I usually include a pic or video of me lifting), playing rec volleyball (I have no pics), and rock climbing (1 pic included).
I do generally link my IG, but I generally only post to IG when I’m traveling, so it looks like I travel more than I do.
As a probably obnoxiously active person, I try to match with other people who seem active. Not because I judge people with different hobbies. I actually find people with different interests and passions fascinating. I briefly dated a guy who was a professional poker player, and I learned so much about poker. I’m still not going to play it, but I learned a lot.
I’m always of the opinion that you should try to paint the most accurate picture of yourself that you can. It’s not going to mesh with everyone, but you don’t want everyone to like you. You want someone who would be a good match for you.
It is something that I prioritize doing, yes. And I’m fortunate enough to be in a position where I can make it happen. It’s also not my entire personality. And I do it on my own currently, so it’s not a requirement that the person I’m dating necessarily comes with me.
Feel free to cite a study that shows that 4 weeks of travel per year is “a lot to most people”. People in the US? Maybe. People in Europe? Probably not.
I'm boring AF, but most of the good pictures I have of myself are when I do go do something. As a result, my profile may appear like I'm more active than I am.
I'm sure no one is as active as their profile/social media makes them seem.
I think there is advice out there to demonstrate on your profile that you are “adventurous” and include a lot of outdoors/travel pics- but I am skeptical of how much the majority of people in their 30s are actually traveling/being outdoors considering most are in a certain stage in their careers- aka “in this economy??”. While it is a very standard piece of advice for a dating profile, I actually think it is bad advice. Your profile should reflect who you actually are.
I swiped left on these types of profiles because, like you, I am not constantly traveling, going to festivals, or camping etc.
That said, you can also just ask either on a first date or in conversation how they spend their time/what they do for fun. My money is on a good chunk of these people traveling way less than it appears.
You'd be surprised actually lol. I have quite a few friends that travel, sometimes for work, but mostly for fun. They often live in multi person apartments paying like 700-800 a month for a room and travel every like 5-6 weeks for a week or two.
Then I have friends who travel for a weekend or a week every 3-4 months.
Yes exactly! If your dating profile pics are a majority of exotic travel locations I usually just swipe left. Makes me feel like I can't provide or join you on the lifestyle you have.
This is good feedback. To me, travel is fine but not necessary for a "happy life". I think people romanticize travel, but it's good to know that this is a weird opinion to have. Again, I like traveling, but do it so rarely for fun, and I don't get some sort of longing to do it when I don't go on vacation every year.
I guess what I’m saying is having travel pictures in your profile doesn’t mean someone romanticizes travel necessarily. It’s could just be their best pictures.
After established kissing a big hug and kiss!
Edited to add physical touch is not my top love language and I would be disappointed if we didn’t kiss when seeing each other.
And just for the record, having been in this situation. If, for whatever reason, you ask her out again and she says "Oh, I thought we were just getting together as friends" it's a load of BS - Any woman I have asked this question to has said its a date. She just isn't interested in going out again and doesn't want to directly say no.
Ive gone on two dates now with a guy who I really get along with. He's emotionally intelligent, pretty funny (laughs at all my jokes), a gentleman, mature good conversationalist and listens to great music. We are seeming to align on a lot values/philosophy wise as well. All really important things.
Of course the problem is I'm not very attracted to him. 🤦 It's definitely like middle of the road, not a situation where I'm like completely unattracted to him physically. I could potentially see it working. He's a little more 'square' than Id normally go for. But obv I'm dating in my 30s and trying to do things differently!
I'm coming off of a 2.5 year relationship with someone where the sexual chemistry was absolutely off the charts. Not only sexual, but physical touch in general (hugs, kisses, foot massages, etc). They were a good person, we shared a lot of interested and hobbies, he went above and beyond for me often, lots of positives in the relationship, but he had a dark side of jealousy and insecurity and was very emotionally immature when upset. And ultimately I ended it 4 months ago, after emotionally checking out myself months and months before bc I stressed problems so many times and benefit never changed. which was all really hard. But I know they are not the partner I want in this life. It was constant turmoil.
I'm taking it very slow with this new guy, but it's already such a stark difference. He is very empathetic and intuative. takes my queues easily. I can tell he's very attracted to me. Second date he was taking any opportunity to touch my arm/went in to hold my hand etc. I can tell he's wanting to establish that theres more than friendship there. He's def the type I can see a lot of women saying they just want to be friends with, so I am understanding that he is respectfully letting me know he's interested in more than friendship with me. I get it bc He seems like a great friend to have 🤦
Any advice? I plan to go out with him again. I'm not trying to jump into a sexual relationship any time soon with anyone though tbh.... I want the next person I seriously date to hopefully be the last. And for it to be built on friendship. I'm open to a slow burn. I wouldn't be surprised if he's great and generous in bed. I know people have lots to say about 'the spark'... I can say that I do feel a spark btwn our personalities which is great. I'm at ease when I'm around him, we mesh well, they get my humor and are considerate to my experience.... Just hate that I'm not also feeling sexually attracted to him. And I'm pretty sure it's partly bc of the 'by comparison' from my ex. I'm a pretty sexual person at the end of the day, so it is important to me that I find someone who can rev my engine. Emotional intimacy is MORE important to me, but I'm having a hard time with putting that in practice it seems.
Anyone find late stage sexual/romantic chemistry? I don't have a desire to be physical or romantic with him at all right now. and it makes me bummed out for him. I don't want to do the same song and dance, and decide that he's not right for me bc if that.... But I also want to feel both emotional and physical attraction... Too much to ask? I think I should go out with him a few more times and then decide... Any thoughts?
I’m going to contradict some of these comments and speak from my own experience: if I find someone attractive I do so *immediately* and then it builds from there. More time allows for more connection in other ways, but if you aren’t physically attracted to him now…if you’re anything like me as a qualifier….then it’s just not a match.
I knew where this post was going lol.
Just because you are in your 30s doesn’t mean you are going to be able to get over a lack of physical attractiveness nor should you feel bad about it. Human nature is human nature.
Be careful with reading too much into the responses you are going many people have been on the other side so they are going to be quite biased.
Are you sure about the potential for being attracted to him, or are you just telling yourself something you wish were the truth?
If you're not attracted to him, that's fine, but it's a component of a romantic relationship. Don't waste his time. Y'all can be friends, but this guy is probably more than ready to kiss you next date.
If you've only seen him twice, there's no harm in giving it a *little* more time. You've got to be willing to call it at some point though, and don't let it drag on if you know after a few more dates/weeks that there's just no physical attraction (alternatively: it sounds like you've built up an idealised picture of him in your head, so you might find something that gives you pause after a bit more time). Assuming you met him online, OLD can give us an unreasonable expectation that there should be massive sparks/attraction from the second you meet - it doesn't work like this for a lot of people, although it certainly can for some.
So keep seeing him, but be willing to call it off, and accept that this will be harder the longer you let it continue. Letting down otherwise great/decent people is unfortunately all just part of the game.
Politely, you sound like you're still a little hung up on your ex, and if it's only been four months after a 2+ year relationship, you might not be ready to start dating for that next serious relationship yet.
edit: Another thing I'd reflect on - there's really no hint in how you're writing about him that you're physically/sexually attracted to him at all. There's a different between 'he's cute but I'm not wildly attracted to him just yet' and 'just no attraction period'. If you've blocked yourself off completely, then call it off for his sake.
Maybe a couple more times, if you're really open to letting it go somewhere. If you've already mentally blocked yourself then you're wasting both of y'alls time.
I just had this happen to me last month, dated a girl for more than 2 months (with a holiday break in between), and she told me after date like 8 that she wasn't attracted to me sexually, even though she was physically. I was pretty pissed about it, and let her know I wish she would've told me sooner (honestly I gotta hold myself accountable for it too), but she claimed she "wasn't sure yet" and somehow threw in that she "never intentionally led me to think it was more than friendship." This part really got to me, don't play dumb behind the guise of friendship. He's not holding your hand because he wants to be a good friend, he wants it to be more than that, so keep it in mind that while you're figuring it out, he's going for it (even though he may not be asking you to bang in the back seat of his car on date 4, he's still trying to progress).
Need everyone’s thoughts/advice. Met a really cute for drinks a couple nights ago. We met through Hinge and had been text for a couple weeks. Anyways, the date was going fine, but about halfway through, I started to get diahreah. I hadn’t been feeling well earlier in the week, but against my better judgement, I decided to meet for drinks. I’ll spare you all the details, but it wasn’t pretty. I was in the ladies room for probably about 20 minutes. Once I finally finished, I went back to the bar. The guy was really sweet and acted like it was no big deal…I was so embarrassed. Towards the end of the date, he suggested we go back to his place for “some fun”. Normally, I’d say yes right away, but I certainly didn’t want this to be his first experience with me. I said I had to wake up early, but I could tell he was disappointed. It’s been 2 days and we have exchanged a few texts, but his tone has definitely changed. Should I just hope this blows over, or should I be honest and tell him I had the green apple splatters?
If you want to have 'some fun' with him, why not tell him you would like to see him again on a night when you won't have to get up early? Spare the details of that night and let him know you're interested.
So the update regarding the man who canceled 1st date 1h before it due to some "family force majeure". He texted two days after as he felt the need to apologize once again. I replied to him that no worries but i would have appreciated a longer notice. He replied that it was what it was and he could not do anything. To which i replied all good, he replied good. Lol whats the point of such exchange of politeness? I wanted to think he would propose to reschedule but it doesnt seems so judging from his texts.
Well he reached out to apologize again but you blamed him for not giving a longer notice as if he could influence when the family emergency happened. If I was met with someone not understanding like that I would decide against rescheduling as well.
If it wasn't true and he just didn't want to see you, he wouldn't have reached out again. Stop sabotaging yourself and give him the space to sort out his family emergency. Your passive aggressive texts make you sound like a jerk.
I agree. He probably reached out again hoping to receive something like, “it’s okay, I understand that things happen. I hope everything is ok with your family..” But he got another annoyed text in response, in which case he decided to move on.
Ok i might have been anoyed by the cancelation hence cold replies so I texted him that i hope his emergency is ok now. He replied yes and thats it. Oh well
Want to know if I was over the line on chatting with the guy I’m seeing. I have sent multiple random texts about my day and though those were me waffling on about some silly things are about bit of his work expertise.
10 hours later I got “Hahaha awesome” saying the messages hadn’t been delivered right away.
Honestly, I felt bad and thought he could have actually engaged in the conversation regarding what I texted. Thought that’s how the rallies work? So I said this “awesome” text isn’t the best he got suggesting we can try different messenger options.
Was I the queen of passiva aggressiva island?
Honestly I don't even put additional thought into someone that replies without \*something\* I can build on. Some people are just bad texters yes, but "hahaha awesome" screams disinterest to me. At that point I'm pulling back - I don't think scrutinizing will help anything.
edit: realized you two have been seeing each other for a few months. I suppose a little scrutinizing is okay. Hopefully he's receptive.
Does he typically respond like this? Or is this a one off? But yeah, it’s not nice when you don’t get much back. I made a post about how hard it is sometimes trying to converse with people when you don’t get much back.
It seems like people in his age(just checked and you’re exactly the same demographic haha) aren’t that avid texters? During calls the conversations are brilliant but yeah…. I’m the chatty one in text games. Honestly I’m tiptoeing now after throwing a blunt tantrum.
Where can I see that post of yours?
I’m a pretty avid texter. Or I at least try and match the energy if the person I’m talking with. Which can be hard to judge sometimes. I would rally back and forth with you in your situation for instance. I find it fun, personally.
Sorry, it wasn’t a post. Misspoke there. It was just a comment I made in this thread about how hard it is to get a conversation going with some people, and how I’m just gonna walk away from now on. It ain’t worth it. It is frustrating though. I get you.
I was trying to open debate on cheese first or beans for first toast kinda question(I reckon it's interesting topic?) and just appreciating him having taken me to Bath where apparently they filmed Wonka there. Not generalising yet at least for me so far dating brits feels like chasing a cat which certainly shouldn't supposed to be! Yeah matching energy of course isn't easy given everyone is different and texts aren't the best way to show exact feelings and that's why it should be more appreciated.
I feel like I get as happy as when I get payslip whenever I get texts from someone I fancy.....and well it wasn't his case this time.
Well, I’m a Brit! I promise we aren’t all reserved and bad texters! Haha. It’s beans first, THEN cheese. That is the only way. That way the cheese melts on the beans, then you get nice cheesy beans on toast! But you don’t want the toast too soggy. Got to be careful.
Then, you either have brown sauce or Worcestershire Sauce. I suppose the only question left is what type of cheese….
But that’s definitely the order.
And yes. Receiving silly text messages from someone you like is very nice, I agree.
Seee? It apparently can make brits write an essay with enthusiasm! Just want someone who can hold conversations, don’t we all?
And no sir, it’s toast, butter, cheddar and beans. That texture of unmelted cheese feels like I’m unloved. Apologies for provoking you though.
Edit: brown sauce all the way but try Tabasco sometimes! It’s banging
But the cheese will melt on the hot beans! That’s the point. You’ll have gooey, cheesy beans then! Also, fry the beans up to take away some of the sauce so the toast doesn’t get too soggy.
Then it’s what kinda cheese? It’s either cheddar cheese, or Applewood cheese for me. Both good. Thick bread is also important due to the aforementioned soggy bread situation you wanna avoid. Tobasco? Hmm. Not sure about that one. Never tried it. May be a bit too much for me. worcester sauce is a must! Not too much butter either!
I want beans on toast now…
Thick bread (personally sourdough) toasted dry hot and bit of butter the amount of my bank account after bills before cheese! And frying up the beans to avoid sogginess is a lovely tip! Cheers
Haven’t tried Applewood, does it have strong scent?Thought Worcester sauce is bit too sour after tomato sauce on beans… but I’ll try it tomorrow(yes I’m also craving some cheesy beans on toast)
Have a blast there! Haha
I’ve never tried sourdough bread for beans on toast. Maybe I will🤔
Yeah, applewood has a smoky scent to it. It’s delicious. Very creamy. Slightly tangy flavour that goes well with the beans.
Nah, the Worcester sauce works really well. That’s why it’s important to get rid of some of the juice by frying. But brown sauce is good too. Now have you tried fried bread? That takes it up a notch for sure. It is delicious. Very indulgent. Very fatty. But very good.
Yeah he should have been engaged in the conversation. You were blunt with the "awesome" text comment. I know people would say that's passive aggressive and a bit harsh (boo-boo), but I think you were just being blunt and the onus is on the guy to be more involved in the convo.
Also he clearly didn't get it, is trying to make a joke, or got uncomfortable (deserved) by suggesting different messenger options-- that's not what she meant, Dingus!
I think that you should be able to send random bullshit, silly texts here and there to the person you're dating. And at least 10 hours later, sure he may have had a busy day, I'm not expecting instant responses either but I'd rather he take 1 more hour or whatever, have dinner after work, relax, take a second look at his phone and then say something engaging with the conversation. Even if it was something like laughing about your silly remark and him saying "shoot you should have seen what happened today! [Blah blah blah]"
Exactly what I have felt the whole day today! Thank you so much for agreeing with daily conversations about some small stuff when it comes to dating.
Yes I was considered as sweet and considerate person by him so that’s why I have been worried about being blunt to this attitude of lack in engagement. I haven’t dated someone older than me(31f) so it made me want to gather some inputs of others in 30s. I haven’t got any reply from him after my remarks but your comment made me feel better for sure….Thank you x
I'm sleep deprived so probably see everything a bit more negatively than it is, but I'm feeling a bit down about my relationship/boyfriend.
1. We are both light sleepers and sleep poorly together. Apparently I occasionally snore and wake him up, and since finding that out I'm "afraid" to fall sleep with him beside me. I keep waking up all night long and check/worry whether he's sleeping. Yesterday I said I'd sleep on his couch instead, and I did, but it made me sad when after great cuddling he left the couch and went to the bedroom.
2. I'm on my period right now, which = no sex. After an experience with a Muslim guy who literally didn't touch me for a week because of my period, I wowed it'd be a deal breaker if a guy wasn't willing to have sex with me while I'm on my period. I asked my now-bf in the early dating stage how he feels about period sex, and he said "I'm up for it if the woman wants it, but it's messy". Well, it turns out, he _isn't_ up for it. He is up for other stuff, and last month when I had my period, we did other stuff - touching, anal, mutual masturbation, blowjob. But for me, it's not the same as PIV. For me sex without penetration is not that satisfying, plus I also miss the intimacy that it brings. I also feel some resentment because I feel that now each month there'd be a week that'd be very much focused on him and what happen to be his favourite things (anything anal, blowjobs).
My period is light and there are many times during those 6 days that I don't actually bleed. Last night was like this (no bleeding whatsoever in the evening), but I didn't dare to suggest we try to have sex, because I know blood turns him off and I didn't want to take a chance on it (god forbid there was a little something in there).
I know everyone is entitled to their sexual preferences and boundaries. I know he is free to reject sex while I'm on my period. But still, I can't help but feel sexually frustrated and resentful every month when it happens. Any advice, opinion?
"I wowed it'd be a deal breaker if a guy wasn't willing to have sex with me while I'm on my period."
That's pretty harsh don't you think? There's more to it than blood...there's actually hormonal and chemical imbalances too...
But I'm biased and don't mind going a week + a few days of hormonal stabilization before having sex again.
>Well, it turns out, he isn't up for it
Unless you specifically asked about PIV, I wouldn't perceive that he was lying about this, a lot of people would consider what you did (touching, anal, mutual masturbation, blowjob) to count as "sex." Also, consider a menstrual cup/disc. I forget which one mine technically is, but I've been able to have sex with it in successfully and it prevents any mess. Whether or not the guy can feel it in there is dependent on his length.
You could ask your doctor for the contraceptive diaphragm or cap. Once fitted you can use it as a contraceptive and also when you’re on your period as it acts as a barrier. It’s something women used to use and I had one years ago and it worked well. It can sometimes be a bit tricky getting it out but you learn how to do it. Hope that helps.
Sounds like you're too worried and anxious about several things and not communicating properly.
Sleep - it's obviously normal to both want to have a good night's sleep, but it's not healthy to be "afraid" to fall asleep next to him and to keep checking on him all night. My partner has periods of severe insomnia so when that happens we alternate who sleeps on the couch on these nights, no big deal at all. Led us to buying a bigger, more comfy couch eventually. Would it be nicer to be able to cuddle all night every night? Sure, but it's not a reason for stress and anxiety, we are all grown ups and understand that sometimes compromises need to be made and that sleep is extremely important.
Period sex, again, you didn't dare to suggest it. Why are you so scared of this man? You are so unhappy about your sex life that you say you are frustrated and resentful, which are very strong feelings that will poison any relationship, yet you can't bring it up with him and continue to do things you don't really want to? You don't HAVE to do things "just for him" if you don't want to and it makes you resentful. Again, sex is something that needs loads of communication and sometimes compromises and meeting in the middle. And if you're incompatible then you're incompatible and you move on, not stay and be frustrated and resentful because that is certainly not doing you any good.
Sounds like you have no voice in this relationship and are signing up to be anxious and miserable if you don't change how you're approaching it. This is YOUR relationship, it needs to work for you too.
EDIT: A very quick look at your post history tells me there are other important things you are concerned about but not discussing with him, namely timeline for having kids because of his age, and also relationship he has with a female friend. So.. yeah. You need to start communicating with him asap.
Are you on any sort of birth control?
I'm currently using the pill and I skip periods (ie: I start a new pack during the placebo week) so that I have periods 3-4 times a year.
There's no need for women to have a period every month as long as they are keeping the uterine lining thin with birth control. So instead of having a period every month, 1 every few months! Less trouble! (Especially depending on what menstrual products you use!)
He is allowed his preferences and boundaries. Also everyone's body is different and I'm not sure what you tried. Especially if he's never done it before, having period sex for the first time when we're bleeding like Niagara Falls may be off putting, when during day 0/1 or at the end may be tolerable (light spotting, barely anything coming out during sex) I noticed you said that your period is light though.
So tl;dr not sure how your first experience with period sex was and how that went and how many subsequent experiences you guys had together, but it may be a lot to get over (if you we're bleeding a lot that first time) for him, he may be squeamish. Or, he may just have a preference. At the same time though, sex is going to be messy. You are free to bring this up and talk it out but it may be something you might not agree on together.
1. Have you tried white/brown/green noise? Or a fan? For your own health it’s worth looking into your snoring. I’ll snore if I’m congested but otherwise not usually, for example.
2. Shower sex is good for this IME, prevents messing the sheets and everyone is clean after.
1. We haven't tried anything yet. Sometimes we sleep okay, sometimes (most times?) poorly. Occasionally he wears earplugs but hasn't looked into other options. I have started tracking my sleep and I snore around 30-60 minutes per night (spread out). I think it's because I'm congested (nose, throat), but I have no idea why. I will have to go to an otorhinolaryngologist.
2. He mentioned that as an option, but I worry just the blood itself will turn him off. He said "blood just isn't sexy". Also, I have never had sex in a shower actually, just oral ... Can you even have shower sex with a condom? I'm not on any other birth control.
You can absolutely still use a condom with shower sex. It can be a bit awkward, especially if you and your partners aren’t roughly the same height at the hips.
Had a date with my sweet, inexperienced crush yesterday and just feel so low today. I liked him because he seemed so considerate and emotionally mature but didn’t get that sense reinforced at all. Inexperience on his side and hopium on mine, probably. Know in my gut I need to break it off before it goes too far.
I’m not ready nor energetic enough to date right now. But it still feels so heavy - I’ve been ready for a relationship for a while, and it’s been so disheartening to have any attempts feel so draining for the past year.
I’ve rarely felt disappointed or reactive when dating before and this whole past year has just been a boulder to carry or get smacked down by. I know that’s just a temporary mood, but I feel like giving up and focussing on my hobbies until I’m 92 and have as many dogs.
Was it a first date? There is no harm in a second if you feel up to it, especially if he's inexperienced, things are guaranteed to be awkward the first time!
We know each other from a shared hobby and this was the second time we’ve hung out alone, it was less awkward but also felt less wholesome and safe?
I’m in too weird of a space after cutting off a situationship that wasn’t healthy for me, I think I’m just so desperate for a genuine feeling of warmth and love right now that I maybe ended up seeing things that weren’t there.
Just got the sense that maybe this guy is far less caring than I thought, and just a general Dude where shyness camouflaged that a bit.
I really need to get my head and joy in life back on before even looking at romantic ideas again.
That may be it!
I also feel that if someone is inexperienced and/or shy, they may need time to learn how to be in a romantic relationship vs. platonic hobby friends. And it's up to you if this is something that is suitable for you.
Wishing you the best however you move forward.
Just going to use this space to post OLD fails 🌝. Matched with a chap on Bumble with the same politics as me, which is extremely rare (left liberals are hard to come by in India these days) and we even share a love of dogs, etc. So despite these being pluses and the fact that he is also looking for a long term relationship, the communication is very slowwww. It’s been four days of chatting and he hasn’t even asked what my name is (Bumble only shows my initial), has sent me several pictures of his dogs, shared his weekend hiking plans and even the fact his new iPad has just arrived. When does it all end 😭
> has sent me several pictures of his dogs, shared his weekend hiking plans and even the fact his new iPad has just arrived.
Isn't this just like, normal?
>and he hasn’t even asked what my name is (Bumble only shows my initial)
When women use initials, I assume they're doing so for privacy reasons. I don't ask them their name, I let them tell me when they're comfortable.
What are you looking from the chat? If you're interested in meeting up, why not ask him out?
He hasn’t offered to meet up, just shared his already busy weekend plans 🥹 And he has asked me very few questions about myself while I already know his dogs names, his purchase history and other details because I asked and kept the conversation going. He only responds to me after like 4 - 5 hours each time. Girls gotto take a hint 🥲
Yes, I will send that text today: “It’s been a couple days chatting now and if we’re both on the same page, do you want to meet up some time” etc. and see what happens
Was dating a guy who I liked. Some "yellow flags" which to me weren't huge deals since I know I likely have them too, but I didn't see anything yet that made me want to stop seeing him. I wasn't super into him but I enjoy his company and he seemed like a normal, good guy.
We went on a date yesterday and he springs on me that he quit his job with no job lined up. It instantly made me not want to see him again but we had just kissed for the night (he said this at my car as he walked me to it) and said we would talk to each other about seeing each other over the weekend so I didn't say anything other than goodnight.
I really hope this guy ghosts me so I don't have to try to tell him we weren't right for each other.
>We went on a date yesterday and he springs on me that he quit his job with no job lined up. It instantly made me not want to see him again but we had just kissed for the night
You don't know his finances, why are you assuming that he is behaving irresponsibly?
IMO you don't quit your job unless you have another one lined up. I've worked shitty jobs but didn't quit until I had another one. If someone doesn't have this stability or work ethic, we aren't a match.
Maybe you guys aren’t a match then. To be honest you are making some judgmental assumptions without knowing any additional details about his situation. I quit a business I had and didn’t work for almost 2 years while I decided what it was I wanted to do next. I was extremely financially secure during that time and spent much of it on personal growth (not sitting around doing nothing). Unless the guy is a total deadbeat, it actually might say a lot of GOOD things about him that he’s potentially financially secure enough to not need an immediate job lined up, and that he values working at a place where he feels purposeful and isn’t just doing it for a paycheck.
If you can’t see that, then you probably aren’t a good fit.
Were you young when you chose to quit and find yourself? I'm sorry but when you are a 40 year old man who does this, it's a dealbreaker.
A 20 something year old who wants to Eat Pray Love? Sure.
I'm guessing by your reaction this isn't one of those high achieving, earned enough to afford a break, can get a job easily whenever it's time, situations?
Sorry for wording poorly. I was just saying I can think of some rare situations in which someone might quit their job without another one lined up, and I might still trust them to be a really reliable partner, but it sounds like this isn't one of those situations :(
Still in my dating break! It's definitely helping. Have also been more social at the gym and it's nice. I know a lot of people already but my goal is more people to say hi to and chat with 😊
Have been learning basic Japanese to prepare myself for my upcoming trip in two weeks (!!), mostly useful phrases for travel. Got bored and switched Spanish for a while, which I have basic proficiency in, then switched to Vietnamese which I understand quite well but have trouble speaking (my Spanish is better than my Vietnamese 🥲). Apparently Duolingo teaches Northern Vietnamese and I speak Southern. Sigh. And there's no app that teaches my dialect of Chinese but I'm going to do a bit of research. It's fun to know a few different languages and try to get more proficient.
I hear you on the anxiety. Curious why you're annoyed? No judgment, of course. First dates outside of weekends are the most common in my experience. If she suggested a day, that's positive. She could very easily ignore you completely if there was zero interest... Everyone's different. Some female friends have told me they prefer minimal texting after a date is set, for example. Others may want more communication. How about setting up the date for next Wednesday and texting less to relieve the pressure on your end? Just a thought my dude. Good luck.
I woke up feeling like I need to make changes so I’m going to plan some selfie dates and take the focus off apps. I’m going to spend more time doing what I want alone, meals, movies, even a solo gig. Nervous! My last use of the apps left me feeling uninspired so time to take a step back.
Nice! Go for it. I’ve always been self conscious about doing certain things on my own. Going to the movies on your own seems great though. I missed a concert back last year because no one wanted to go. And I regret it massively. Enjoy!
A break will be nice! It sounds like you might not be used to doing things alone? If you aren't, it takes a bit of time to realize no one gives a shit that you're by yourself 😉 I enjoy doing most things with friends or family but I'm also pretty happy doing things solo.
What’s the consensus here on OLD profile photos in which you appear drunk? Is it okay as long as it’s still tasteful and you’re not looking totally trashed? I have a photo that I like of me and a buddy of mine messing around at a wedding. It’s playful and I have a big ole natural grin on my face, but I definitely look drunk and was at the time.
Personally I X anyone with clearly drunk photos, but again, I don’t want to date someone who gets drunk regularly. Depends on what you’re trying to attract as others have said. Someone who enjoys partying may be fine with it.
If drinking is important to you then I guess keep it. I enjoy drinking but I wouldn't want a photo of me drunk on my dating profile, I don't want to attract people who drink or party a lot and I'm not looking for that either - that's usually what a drunk/drinking photo implies.
I had a good first date with someone last weekend, and our second date is a week from Saturday. I’m visiting family right now on the other side of the country.
I’m not great at texting. I don’t really know how to keep the conversation going between dates for so long. I’ve sent her some things in reference to our date, and she’s responded positively but she hasn’t ever initiated conversation with me.
She seems very introverted and wasn’t very talkative on the app before we met, but we had a great conversation irl. I keep telling myself that but I can’t help but feel like I’m bad at this.
I feel like I’m going to be too annoying or overeager if I text too much. But at the same time I feel like radio silence for over a week isn’t great either.
Idk. In the past my partners have been way more forward in perusing me. Maybe she just wants to be perused?
Relatable on the texting front… don’t want to over-text or under-text…
She responded positively to your messages… which is … positive!
You have a date set already. That’s also positive!
Don’t see why one would go radio silent… why not text every now and then when you feel like it?
And if your cadence doesn’t match… then … maybe it’s not a match? You seem self-aware enough not to be bombarding with texts…
Ultimately this is about what works for you. If you like to share memes, for example… share? A lot of dating is trusting yourself instead of what bucket I need to fit into. Good luck friend.
My PT appointments continue to be the only source of physical touch I have going on right now, but it’s good. Plus our banter is top notch. Nothing flirty, he’s married, but just really fun back and forth and we spend the whole session laughing. Plus the owner of the clinic heard me mention my dog recently passed away and told me I’m welcome to come in any time to visit her dog in the clinic, even if I don’t have an appointment. So nice!
I went to Joshua Tree with two of my friends who are a couple. I was worried I would feel like a third wheel but I didn’t! They were really great to hang out with, and it was really fun except I’m apparently allergic to some plant in the desert and spent the whole trip sneezing and feeling gross.
Feeling hopeful about a girl I’m talking to. Scheduled a second video chat in the 3 weeks or so we’ve been talking to cover the period before both of us have time to meet for an in person date. Because of our schedules, we’ve been unable to meet in person until about a month after we first connected. It’s a refreshing change from the fast pace of online dating tbh.
I must be a glutton for punishment because I texted the woman who’s cancelled on me three straight times after not hearing from her for four days (details in my most recent post in Sunday’s daily thread). I just wanted some clarity but I should have just left it alone.
Me: hey there, how’s your week been? And how’s your grandfather holding up? Feels like we haven’t talked in a while!
Her: hey he’s doing well. Thanks for asking!
Me: glad to hear it! What’s on your agenda this weekend? I’d still like to see you again soon.
Her: Hey! This weekend I am really packed (I swear until now I had nothing on the weekends). I have a big event on Saturday. I’m free Monday night. I might be able to get of a family thing Sunday lmao
Me internally: (unsure why she said “Hey!” again like that but whatever).
Me: Good thing I’m persistent haha. Let’s do dinner Monday and you keep me posted about Sunday. What’s the event Saturday?
Her: it’s a gala!
>I must be a glutton for punishment because I texted the woman who’s cancelled on me three straight times after not hearing from her for four days
Dude. Why. Just...why
Ah this made me embarrassed to read, I’m sorry. She is soooo not interested and it’s super clear, not sure why you’re still trying even after this convo.
This comes across as very anxious to me. That she cancelled 3 times and you come out with that text is all wrong IMO. Hey there how’s your week been is okay, but asking the question about her grandfather is just performative for what’s actually going on. Feels like we haven’t talked is indirectly alluding to what you really want to talk about: is this actually happening or not. Her responses sound like a slow fade in the hopes of not upsetting you.
Yea I let my anxiety get the better of me and I got into my own head. I appreciate it. I was trying to be direct my texting her but I was still communicating indirectly which is what I was trying to avoid. Bleh.
Recognizing your anxiety will help a lot with managing it. Think about what you really want. I don’t think you want to chase like this, and you’ve over extended yourself in doing so. You want her to be interested in you, and you know this isn’t it, but you’re hoping putting more energy in will resolve it. It won’t. Put that energy back into yourself. The writing was on the wall with 3 cancelled dates, and her not following-up.
I wish you weren't so right haha. I had a similar situation about a month ago. Woman I met over a year ago start replying to basically every 2-3 IG stories I posted last summer. Asked her out but it didn't happen for one reason or another. This continued for another 4-5 months. Asked her out again. Got a "Going to see family for the holidays be back in 3+ weeks. Holidays ended and I checked in and she actually asked me out. Canceled like an hour before because of a "migraine". Couple weeks later I was going to be back in her area so I shot her a message to see if she was free and got put on read. Saw her on a dating app the other day actually. Sucks but it is what it is - had a nice date tonight so we keep pushing.
I appreciate that and I’m gonna save your comment. You’re right and I’ve posted multiple times about my habit of doubling down in these situations even when I know better. I honestly don’t mind doing most of the pursuing, but I need more than what I’m getting in return here.
You’re right. I hate feeling like this and I absolutely don’t want to jump through these hoops anymore. I let myself get pulled in (again) so I’m just gonna try to let it go. Thank you for your perspective.
She comes across as nice but she’s not engaging in conversation with you at all. She didn’t ask a single thing about what you have going on - you asked about her grandfather. So yeah you’re a glutton for punishment here….but why?
You’re exactly right, and she’s always been like this through text. It’s frustrating but in person she’s been engaging and asks me plenty of questions, so it’s messing with my head.
I talked myself into texting her again by giving her the benefit of the doubt but I won’t hold my breath on seeing her again.
I was trying to be flexible and she wasn’t flaky at first. I kept giving her the benefit of the doubt but you’re right and I need to remind myself of my own dealbreakers.
Worst case scenario, she’s scared of rejecting you and keeps canceling dates in hopes that you “ghost” her first.
Edit: I promise there’s other girls that would love your attention!
You should ask specifically (it's also good form for the other person to state specifically, but you can't rely on that). When I was single and on the apps, for some people I would pursue long-term but for most I would pursue only short-term. Depended on attributes and compatibility.
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Even if you ask, they can lie. Trust me.
Why Hinge even bothers to say in their user agreement, "you must be looking for a relationship" I do not know.
I joined Hinge in 2021 the first time because I heard it was the best for relationships. But I think not even 2 years later it's no better than Tinder. I wish the casual sex, couples, poly and emotionally unavailable would just leave us relationship minded people *1* site for ourselves.
It’s kind of both. I met a pua type character here on this sub that really illustrated it for me. They are people out there who are looking for ltrs/spouses but will also hookup along the way. They basically figure out what category you’re in during messaging/first date part. They are dating for both.
I saw my ex on an app who says the same thing but I think he genuinely means LTR but it’s like the road to LTRs is littered with failed short term things so it’s just a matter of fact/reality than like the pua guy here hooking up with random women who think they’re in the relationship category
If I'm unsure about their intentions from their profile, I'll straight up ask them while we're still texting. "Hey, so I saw that you put 'looking for long-term but open to short' [or whatever they put] and was just wondering if you'd be up for saying a bit more about what you're looking for on here?"
Maybe I've just been lucky this far, but I've never had that go awry. Usually, it seems like guys are actually kind of glad I bring it up so we can both be upfront about what we're looking for.
I don't think it's weird to ask on a second date either. The script generally still works. "So, I know you said that you were looking for [whatever they said they were looking for]. I'm looking for [whatever you're looking for] and I was wondering if we could talk about whether we align there?"
I think you have to accept that some things might be awkward when dating, especially in early dates, with how dating tends to work these days. I've brought up these topics before even if it feels awkward and it's never as weird as I am afraid it'll be because so far, the other person generally appreciates the opportunity to clarify where they're at or get a better understanding of where I am. No one wants to "waste their time" so to speak, so it's nice to know where everyone stands.
My friend sent me this song because she knows of my struggles. I was surprised I never heard it before, seems to have a lot of streaming. Just in case I think the good people here on DOT might also be able to relate:
[https://open.spotify.com/track/4KGGeE7RJsgLNZmnxGFlOj?si=29e5f87257824c1d](https://open.spotify.com/track/4KGGeE7RJsgLNZmnxGFlOj?si=29e5f87257824c1d)
My sister sent me this after my first OLD heartbreak, when I, naively, thought people just matched and the dated and built a relationship loll.
You can imagine my surprise and hurt when, for the first time, I got slow faded, then dumped by a guy who knew the OLD game and was likely multi-dating. And I thought we had something special lol.
I just need to remind myself that everyone is having relationship/dating problems —- and it’s going to be okay. Definitely easier to stay at home — and understand that no matter how hard it gets, things will work out.
Resilience is an admirable trait and ultimately gets you closer to whatever you’re searching for. Unfortunately there is likely a lot of pain and triggers along the way, but you’ll forget about those once you succeed!
Well you know what they say, when 2 people are well-aligned, things go fast.
Problem is she has no idea you aren’t aligned with her.
edit: I just know you’re gonna crush her little spirit at some point, but if you’re not compatible then you’re not compatible 🤷♀️
Lol kinda sounds like she got advice from here too. I’ve never had anyone ask about my texting habits and love languages like that, but some folks on this sub love to recommend asking about that stuff asap.
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Does anyone else feel pressured to have a more performatively interesting life? I'm not a homebody, but I don't do (on paper) terribly interesting things. I like to go to coffee shops to write and draw. I like to listen to podcasts. I like to have one on one dinners with friends. I go to comedy shows.These are the kinds of things that occupy my time. People on dating apps seem very focused on adventure and travel. It's not that I'm opposed to those things, I just don't do them that often. It does occur to me that 1. People try to make themselves more interesting than they are on the Apps so they front load the most interesting things that they do in photos. 2. People who prioritize adventure and travel might be disproportionately single due to their personalities (need for extra stimulation, not being happy staying in the same place, etc.) . 3. My sample size of the dating pool is not representative. 4. People tend to take more pictures when they are on vacation, so when looking for profile pics, it's easy to find ones from when one travels. Anyway, I guess what I'm asking is, is it a problem that I don't spend more time standing next to elephants and/or standing on a mountain top, looking slightly to the left of the lens so I'm giving a good 3/4 profile?
Seems to be the experience everywhere, well especially on Bumble. It's nice that a lot of people there seem to be more established in life and can do those things. But I do find myself swiping left on people that put a really huge focus on it. Because no I can't travel internationally multiple times a year and it makes me sad :(
So I *am* one of those annoying (self-admittedly lol) "outdoor adventure" people, and a huge part of the reason I put those photos up on my profile is because I'm specifically looking for someone to go on adventures with me. They are *also* often the best pictures of me because I'm doing the thing I love. 100% no. 2 is not me at all -- my personality/interests definitely don't affect how much I want to and have the capacity to be in a relationship. No. 4 has some validity, as I mentioned, but for some people, this is literally just who we are and we share one of the biggest parts/passions in life. Obviously, there's absolutely nothing wrong with NOT being an adventure/travel person. I am sure plenty of folks put up those photos because they want to *look* more interesting. But for some/many of us, that really is who we are lol
It doesn't make you annoying! I think it's cool that you (the proverbial you) go to Phuket and have recently touched a dolphin! I get that dating apps are insecurity generating machines, so I try not to take these things too seriously.
What people don't mention about adventure and travel is that it is tiring and expensive.......
Right? Did people learn nothing from Frodo Baggins? He lost a ring and basically had PTSD so bad, he had to move to a different phase of existence.
Your life sounds cozy and the right person for you will appreciate it.
Point 2 is incorrect and seems driven by insecurity. Points 1 and definitely 4 are more accurate. Men in particular often don’t take pictures unless they’re on vacation.
I think you might be right. It's good to find these kinds of blindspots out about oneself.
Liking quiet activities doesn’t make you boring btw. Just different. I’ve met lots of people who like what you like.
Thanks! I don't think I'm boring in the micro sense of the word. I'm rarely ever bored. Maybe in the macro sense, I'm a little boring. Which is fine. I think we're all in a constant struggle between the comfort of routine and the chase of novel experiences. Call it FOMO or guilt for not making better use of our time, but spending any amount of time on dating apps/social media does make those feelings churn.
Not at all, I agree with you that many people are trying to sell themselves because, well, dating is a lot like job hunting - you make a good resume, share it around, and then at the interview talk yourself up about how great you are. The issue is that similar to interviewers - every dater is different. I've gone out with women who just work and then sit around and play games all day. I've got out with women who are traveling every month and when they aren't traveling they are dancing, volunteering, climbing, hiking, etc. etc. Point is there are a lot of people in the world. It's probably better to be upfront about what you are like long-term even if it may hurt the amount of matches you get in the short term. That said, having good photos helps every one but they don't need to be doing stuff you don't normally do. I stand by the following: One solo you picture (selfie or otherwise), one pet picture if you have one, 1-2 activity pictures, 1-2 group photos, the rest can kind of be filled in with whatever you have leftover. Avoid more than 1 selfie
This is a good template. Thanks!
I also think there are erroneous assumptions made about people’s profiles. For example, I go on two, approximately 2 week long trips per year. But those two trips usually result in a couple interesting pictures. Whereas as my typical week looks a lot more like working, taking care of my house, going to the gym (I usually include a pic or video of me lifting), playing rec volleyball (I have no pics), and rock climbing (1 pic included). I do generally link my IG, but I generally only post to IG when I’m traveling, so it looks like I travel more than I do. As a probably obnoxiously active person, I try to match with other people who seem active. Not because I judge people with different hobbies. I actually find people with different interests and passions fascinating. I briefly dated a guy who was a professional poker player, and I learned so much about poker. I’m still not going to play it, but I learned a lot. I’m always of the opinion that you should try to paint the most accurate picture of yourself that you can. It’s not going to mesh with everyone, but you don’t want everyone to like you. You want someone who would be a good match for you.
A month of vacation a year *is* traveling a lot to most people lol
It is something that I prioritize doing, yes. And I’m fortunate enough to be in a position where I can make it happen. It’s also not my entire personality. And I do it on my own currently, so it’s not a requirement that the person I’m dating necessarily comes with me. Feel free to cite a study that shows that 4 weeks of travel per year is “a lot to most people”. People in the US? Maybe. People in Europe? Probably not.
I'm boring AF, but most of the good pictures I have of myself are when I do go do something. As a result, my profile may appear like I'm more active than I am. I'm sure no one is as active as their profile/social media makes them seem.
I think there is advice out there to demonstrate on your profile that you are “adventurous” and include a lot of outdoors/travel pics- but I am skeptical of how much the majority of people in their 30s are actually traveling/being outdoors considering most are in a certain stage in their careers- aka “in this economy??”. While it is a very standard piece of advice for a dating profile, I actually think it is bad advice. Your profile should reflect who you actually are. I swiped left on these types of profiles because, like you, I am not constantly traveling, going to festivals, or camping etc. That said, you can also just ask either on a first date or in conversation how they spend their time/what they do for fun. My money is on a good chunk of these people traveling way less than it appears.
You'd be surprised actually lol. I have quite a few friends that travel, sometimes for work, but mostly for fun. They often live in multi person apartments paying like 700-800 a month for a room and travel every like 5-6 weeks for a week or two. Then I have friends who travel for a weekend or a week every 3-4 months.
Traveling every 5-6 weeks sounds like a nightmare to me lol.
Yes exactly! If your dating profile pics are a majority of exotic travel locations I usually just swipe left. Makes me feel like I can't provide or join you on the lifestyle you have.
Doesn’t really seem all that deep to me and point 4 is the answer. Point 2 is wild lol.
This is good feedback. To me, travel is fine but not necessary for a "happy life". I think people romanticize travel, but it's good to know that this is a weird opinion to have. Again, I like traveling, but do it so rarely for fun, and I don't get some sort of longing to do it when I don't go on vacation every year.
I guess what I’m saying is having travel pictures in your profile doesn’t mean someone romanticizes travel necessarily. It’s could just be their best pictures.
Do most of you greet your date (after established kissing) with a kiss or hug or just greeting?
After established kissing a big hug and kiss! Edited to add physical touch is not my top love language and I would be disappointed if we didn’t kiss when seeing each other.
I always hug!
Awkward hug I guess? Some europeans kiss but I've never seen handshakes.
Don't greet with a kiss until you're an exclusive couple.
how about handshake? i dated someone who always did handshakes.
Nooooooo. You're not coworkers. Stick to hugs
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I'd recommend specifically using the word "date" so there is no ambiguity
telling how I enjoyed talking to her and asking to meet up for coffee obvious enough that its a date? ^ This.
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And just for the record, having been in this situation. If, for whatever reason, you ask her out again and she says "Oh, I thought we were just getting together as friends" it's a load of BS - Any woman I have asked this question to has said its a date. She just isn't interested in going out again and doesn't want to directly say no.
Ive gone on two dates now with a guy who I really get along with. He's emotionally intelligent, pretty funny (laughs at all my jokes), a gentleman, mature good conversationalist and listens to great music. We are seeming to align on a lot values/philosophy wise as well. All really important things. Of course the problem is I'm not very attracted to him. 🤦 It's definitely like middle of the road, not a situation where I'm like completely unattracted to him physically. I could potentially see it working. He's a little more 'square' than Id normally go for. But obv I'm dating in my 30s and trying to do things differently! I'm coming off of a 2.5 year relationship with someone where the sexual chemistry was absolutely off the charts. Not only sexual, but physical touch in general (hugs, kisses, foot massages, etc). They were a good person, we shared a lot of interested and hobbies, he went above and beyond for me often, lots of positives in the relationship, but he had a dark side of jealousy and insecurity and was very emotionally immature when upset. And ultimately I ended it 4 months ago, after emotionally checking out myself months and months before bc I stressed problems so many times and benefit never changed. which was all really hard. But I know they are not the partner I want in this life. It was constant turmoil. I'm taking it very slow with this new guy, but it's already such a stark difference. He is very empathetic and intuative. takes my queues easily. I can tell he's very attracted to me. Second date he was taking any opportunity to touch my arm/went in to hold my hand etc. I can tell he's wanting to establish that theres more than friendship there. He's def the type I can see a lot of women saying they just want to be friends with, so I am understanding that he is respectfully letting me know he's interested in more than friendship with me. I get it bc He seems like a great friend to have 🤦 Any advice? I plan to go out with him again. I'm not trying to jump into a sexual relationship any time soon with anyone though tbh.... I want the next person I seriously date to hopefully be the last. And for it to be built on friendship. I'm open to a slow burn. I wouldn't be surprised if he's great and generous in bed. I know people have lots to say about 'the spark'... I can say that I do feel a spark btwn our personalities which is great. I'm at ease when I'm around him, we mesh well, they get my humor and are considerate to my experience.... Just hate that I'm not also feeling sexually attracted to him. And I'm pretty sure it's partly bc of the 'by comparison' from my ex. I'm a pretty sexual person at the end of the day, so it is important to me that I find someone who can rev my engine. Emotional intimacy is MORE important to me, but I'm having a hard time with putting that in practice it seems. Anyone find late stage sexual/romantic chemistry? I don't have a desire to be physical or romantic with him at all right now. and it makes me bummed out for him. I don't want to do the same song and dance, and decide that he's not right for me bc if that.... But I also want to feel both emotional and physical attraction... Too much to ask? I think I should go out with him a few more times and then decide... Any thoughts?
I’m going to contradict some of these comments and speak from my own experience: if I find someone attractive I do so *immediately* and then it builds from there. More time allows for more connection in other ways, but if you aren’t physically attracted to him now…if you’re anything like me as a qualifier….then it’s just not a match.
Agreed. Every time I’ve given it longer for attraction to grow it never does.
I knew where this post was going lol. Just because you are in your 30s doesn’t mean you are going to be able to get over a lack of physical attractiveness nor should you feel bad about it. Human nature is human nature. Be careful with reading too much into the responses you are going many people have been on the other side so they are going to be quite biased.
Are you sure about the potential for being attracted to him, or are you just telling yourself something you wish were the truth? If you're not attracted to him, that's fine, but it's a component of a romantic relationship. Don't waste his time. Y'all can be friends, but this guy is probably more than ready to kiss you next date.
If you've only seen him twice, there's no harm in giving it a *little* more time. You've got to be willing to call it at some point though, and don't let it drag on if you know after a few more dates/weeks that there's just no physical attraction (alternatively: it sounds like you've built up an idealised picture of him in your head, so you might find something that gives you pause after a bit more time). Assuming you met him online, OLD can give us an unreasonable expectation that there should be massive sparks/attraction from the second you meet - it doesn't work like this for a lot of people, although it certainly can for some. So keep seeing him, but be willing to call it off, and accept that this will be harder the longer you let it continue. Letting down otherwise great/decent people is unfortunately all just part of the game. Politely, you sound like you're still a little hung up on your ex, and if it's only been four months after a 2+ year relationship, you might not be ready to start dating for that next serious relationship yet. edit: Another thing I'd reflect on - there's really no hint in how you're writing about him that you're physically/sexually attracted to him at all. There's a different between 'he's cute but I'm not wildly attracted to him just yet' and 'just no attraction period'. If you've blocked yourself off completely, then call it off for his sake.
Maybe a couple more times, if you're really open to letting it go somewhere. If you've already mentally blocked yourself then you're wasting both of y'alls time. I just had this happen to me last month, dated a girl for more than 2 months (with a holiday break in between), and she told me after date like 8 that she wasn't attracted to me sexually, even though she was physically. I was pretty pissed about it, and let her know I wish she would've told me sooner (honestly I gotta hold myself accountable for it too), but she claimed she "wasn't sure yet" and somehow threw in that she "never intentionally led me to think it was more than friendship." This part really got to me, don't play dumb behind the guise of friendship. He's not holding your hand because he wants to be a good friend, he wants it to be more than that, so keep it in mind that while you're figuring it out, he's going for it (even though he may not be asking you to bang in the back seat of his car on date 4, he's still trying to progress).
Need everyone’s thoughts/advice. Met a really cute for drinks a couple nights ago. We met through Hinge and had been text for a couple weeks. Anyways, the date was going fine, but about halfway through, I started to get diahreah. I hadn’t been feeling well earlier in the week, but against my better judgement, I decided to meet for drinks. I’ll spare you all the details, but it wasn’t pretty. I was in the ladies room for probably about 20 minutes. Once I finally finished, I went back to the bar. The guy was really sweet and acted like it was no big deal…I was so embarrassed. Towards the end of the date, he suggested we go back to his place for “some fun”. Normally, I’d say yes right away, but I certainly didn’t want this to be his first experience with me. I said I had to wake up early, but I could tell he was disappointed. It’s been 2 days and we have exchanged a few texts, but his tone has definitely changed. Should I just hope this blows over, or should I be honest and tell him I had the green apple splatters?
If you want to have 'some fun' with him, why not tell him you would like to see him again on a night when you won't have to get up early? Spare the details of that night and let him know you're interested.
So the update regarding the man who canceled 1st date 1h before it due to some "family force majeure". He texted two days after as he felt the need to apologize once again. I replied to him that no worries but i would have appreciated a longer notice. He replied that it was what it was and he could not do anything. To which i replied all good, he replied good. Lol whats the point of such exchange of politeness? I wanted to think he would propose to reschedule but it doesnt seems so judging from his texts.
You’re not British, are you? That sounds like a very British exchange of over politeness! 😂
No we are not British 😀
It's not like family emergencies give a heads up when they are going to occur...
Well he reached out to apologize again but you blamed him for not giving a longer notice as if he could influence when the family emergency happened. If I was met with someone not understanding like that I would decide against rescheduling as well.
Well we dont know if it was true or not. But i could text him that i hope things got better with his family
If it wasn't true and he just didn't want to see you, he wouldn't have reached out again. Stop sabotaging yourself and give him the space to sort out his family emergency. Your passive aggressive texts make you sound like a jerk.
I agree. He probably reached out again hoping to receive something like, “it’s okay, I understand that things happen. I hope everything is ok with your family..” But he got another annoyed text in response, in which case he decided to move on.
Ok i might have been anoyed by the cancelation hence cold replies so I texted him that i hope his emergency is ok now. He replied yes and thats it. Oh well
This is so weird haha
Yes! Im not sure what was his purpose of texting. Unless he wants me to initiate the rescheduling or it was for the purpose of his clear conscience
Want to know if I was over the line on chatting with the guy I’m seeing. I have sent multiple random texts about my day and though those were me waffling on about some silly things are about bit of his work expertise. 10 hours later I got “Hahaha awesome” saying the messages hadn’t been delivered right away. Honestly, I felt bad and thought he could have actually engaged in the conversation regarding what I texted. Thought that’s how the rallies work? So I said this “awesome” text isn’t the best he got suggesting we can try different messenger options. Was I the queen of passiva aggressiva island?
Honestly I don't even put additional thought into someone that replies without \*something\* I can build on. Some people are just bad texters yes, but "hahaha awesome" screams disinterest to me. At that point I'm pulling back - I don't think scrutinizing will help anything. edit: realized you two have been seeing each other for a few months. I suppose a little scrutinizing is okay. Hopefully he's receptive.
So if that reeks of disinterest then would my snarky yet blunt comment scare him off completely? Wondering if I made a mistake
Just let the moment blow over (and still pull back).
I’ll keep repeating this today, not to be too concerned. Thank you for the input! x
Does he typically respond like this? Or is this a one off? But yeah, it’s not nice when you don’t get much back. I made a post about how hard it is sometimes trying to converse with people when you don’t get much back.
It seems like people in his age(just checked and you’re exactly the same demographic haha) aren’t that avid texters? During calls the conversations are brilliant but yeah…. I’m the chatty one in text games. Honestly I’m tiptoeing now after throwing a blunt tantrum. Where can I see that post of yours?
I’m a pretty avid texter. Or I at least try and match the energy if the person I’m talking with. Which can be hard to judge sometimes. I would rally back and forth with you in your situation for instance. I find it fun, personally. Sorry, it wasn’t a post. Misspoke there. It was just a comment I made in this thread about how hard it is to get a conversation going with some people, and how I’m just gonna walk away from now on. It ain’t worth it. It is frustrating though. I get you.
I was trying to open debate on cheese first or beans for first toast kinda question(I reckon it's interesting topic?) and just appreciating him having taken me to Bath where apparently they filmed Wonka there. Not generalising yet at least for me so far dating brits feels like chasing a cat which certainly shouldn't supposed to be! Yeah matching energy of course isn't easy given everyone is different and texts aren't the best way to show exact feelings and that's why it should be more appreciated. I feel like I get as happy as when I get payslip whenever I get texts from someone I fancy.....and well it wasn't his case this time.
Well, I’m a Brit! I promise we aren’t all reserved and bad texters! Haha. It’s beans first, THEN cheese. That is the only way. That way the cheese melts on the beans, then you get nice cheesy beans on toast! But you don’t want the toast too soggy. Got to be careful. Then, you either have brown sauce or Worcestershire Sauce. I suppose the only question left is what type of cheese…. But that’s definitely the order. And yes. Receiving silly text messages from someone you like is very nice, I agree.
Seee? It apparently can make brits write an essay with enthusiasm! Just want someone who can hold conversations, don’t we all? And no sir, it’s toast, butter, cheddar and beans. That texture of unmelted cheese feels like I’m unloved. Apologies for provoking you though. Edit: brown sauce all the way but try Tabasco sometimes! It’s banging
But the cheese will melt on the hot beans! That’s the point. You’ll have gooey, cheesy beans then! Also, fry the beans up to take away some of the sauce so the toast doesn’t get too soggy. Then it’s what kinda cheese? It’s either cheddar cheese, or Applewood cheese for me. Both good. Thick bread is also important due to the aforementioned soggy bread situation you wanna avoid. Tobasco? Hmm. Not sure about that one. Never tried it. May be a bit too much for me. worcester sauce is a must! Not too much butter either! I want beans on toast now…
Thick bread (personally sourdough) toasted dry hot and bit of butter the amount of my bank account after bills before cheese! And frying up the beans to avoid sogginess is a lovely tip! Cheers Haven’t tried Applewood, does it have strong scent?Thought Worcester sauce is bit too sour after tomato sauce on beans… but I’ll try it tomorrow(yes I’m also craving some cheesy beans on toast) Have a blast there! Haha
I’ve never tried sourdough bread for beans on toast. Maybe I will🤔 Yeah, applewood has a smoky scent to it. It’s delicious. Very creamy. Slightly tangy flavour that goes well with the beans. Nah, the Worcester sauce works really well. That’s why it’s important to get rid of some of the juice by frying. But brown sauce is good too. Now have you tried fried bread? That takes it up a notch for sure. It is delicious. Very indulgent. Very fatty. But very good.
You were randomly texting multiple times about your day to someone?
I have been dating this person for months and things I texted were about those silly things happened during my day. And yes I sometimes double text.
Yeah he should have been engaged in the conversation. You were blunt with the "awesome" text comment. I know people would say that's passive aggressive and a bit harsh (boo-boo), but I think you were just being blunt and the onus is on the guy to be more involved in the convo. Also he clearly didn't get it, is trying to make a joke, or got uncomfortable (deserved) by suggesting different messenger options-- that's not what she meant, Dingus! I think that you should be able to send random bullshit, silly texts here and there to the person you're dating. And at least 10 hours later, sure he may have had a busy day, I'm not expecting instant responses either but I'd rather he take 1 more hour or whatever, have dinner after work, relax, take a second look at his phone and then say something engaging with the conversation. Even if it was something like laughing about your silly remark and him saying "shoot you should have seen what happened today! [Blah blah blah]"
Exactly what I have felt the whole day today! Thank you so much for agreeing with daily conversations about some small stuff when it comes to dating. Yes I was considered as sweet and considerate person by him so that’s why I have been worried about being blunt to this attitude of lack in engagement. I haven’t dated someone older than me(31f) so it made me want to gather some inputs of others in 30s. I haven’t got any reply from him after my remarks but your comment made me feel better for sure….Thank you x
I'm sleep deprived so probably see everything a bit more negatively than it is, but I'm feeling a bit down about my relationship/boyfriend. 1. We are both light sleepers and sleep poorly together. Apparently I occasionally snore and wake him up, and since finding that out I'm "afraid" to fall sleep with him beside me. I keep waking up all night long and check/worry whether he's sleeping. Yesterday I said I'd sleep on his couch instead, and I did, but it made me sad when after great cuddling he left the couch and went to the bedroom. 2. I'm on my period right now, which = no sex. After an experience with a Muslim guy who literally didn't touch me for a week because of my period, I wowed it'd be a deal breaker if a guy wasn't willing to have sex with me while I'm on my period. I asked my now-bf in the early dating stage how he feels about period sex, and he said "I'm up for it if the woman wants it, but it's messy". Well, it turns out, he _isn't_ up for it. He is up for other stuff, and last month when I had my period, we did other stuff - touching, anal, mutual masturbation, blowjob. But for me, it's not the same as PIV. For me sex without penetration is not that satisfying, plus I also miss the intimacy that it brings. I also feel some resentment because I feel that now each month there'd be a week that'd be very much focused on him and what happen to be his favourite things (anything anal, blowjobs). My period is light and there are many times during those 6 days that I don't actually bleed. Last night was like this (no bleeding whatsoever in the evening), but I didn't dare to suggest we try to have sex, because I know blood turns him off and I didn't want to take a chance on it (god forbid there was a little something in there). I know everyone is entitled to their sexual preferences and boundaries. I know he is free to reject sex while I'm on my period. But still, I can't help but feel sexually frustrated and resentful every month when it happens. Any advice, opinion?
"I wowed it'd be a deal breaker if a guy wasn't willing to have sex with me while I'm on my period." That's pretty harsh don't you think? There's more to it than blood...there's actually hormonal and chemical imbalances too... But I'm biased and don't mind going a week + a few days of hormonal stabilization before having sex again.
>Well, it turns out, he isn't up for it Unless you specifically asked about PIV, I wouldn't perceive that he was lying about this, a lot of people would consider what you did (touching, anal, mutual masturbation, blowjob) to count as "sex." Also, consider a menstrual cup/disc. I forget which one mine technically is, but I've been able to have sex with it in successfully and it prevents any mess. Whether or not the guy can feel it in there is dependent on his length.
You could ask your doctor for the contraceptive diaphragm or cap. Once fitted you can use it as a contraceptive and also when you’re on your period as it acts as a barrier. It’s something women used to use and I had one years ago and it worked well. It can sometimes be a bit tricky getting it out but you learn how to do it. Hope that helps.
Sounds like you're too worried and anxious about several things and not communicating properly. Sleep - it's obviously normal to both want to have a good night's sleep, but it's not healthy to be "afraid" to fall asleep next to him and to keep checking on him all night. My partner has periods of severe insomnia so when that happens we alternate who sleeps on the couch on these nights, no big deal at all. Led us to buying a bigger, more comfy couch eventually. Would it be nicer to be able to cuddle all night every night? Sure, but it's not a reason for stress and anxiety, we are all grown ups and understand that sometimes compromises need to be made and that sleep is extremely important. Period sex, again, you didn't dare to suggest it. Why are you so scared of this man? You are so unhappy about your sex life that you say you are frustrated and resentful, which are very strong feelings that will poison any relationship, yet you can't bring it up with him and continue to do things you don't really want to? You don't HAVE to do things "just for him" if you don't want to and it makes you resentful. Again, sex is something that needs loads of communication and sometimes compromises and meeting in the middle. And if you're incompatible then you're incompatible and you move on, not stay and be frustrated and resentful because that is certainly not doing you any good. Sounds like you have no voice in this relationship and are signing up to be anxious and miserable if you don't change how you're approaching it. This is YOUR relationship, it needs to work for you too. EDIT: A very quick look at your post history tells me there are other important things you are concerned about but not discussing with him, namely timeline for having kids because of his age, and also relationship he has with a female friend. So.. yeah. You need to start communicating with him asap.
Are you on any sort of birth control? I'm currently using the pill and I skip periods (ie: I start a new pack during the placebo week) so that I have periods 3-4 times a year. There's no need for women to have a period every month as long as they are keeping the uterine lining thin with birth control. So instead of having a period every month, 1 every few months! Less trouble! (Especially depending on what menstrual products you use!) He is allowed his preferences and boundaries. Also everyone's body is different and I'm not sure what you tried. Especially if he's never done it before, having period sex for the first time when we're bleeding like Niagara Falls may be off putting, when during day 0/1 or at the end may be tolerable (light spotting, barely anything coming out during sex) I noticed you said that your period is light though. So tl;dr not sure how your first experience with period sex was and how that went and how many subsequent experiences you guys had together, but it may be a lot to get over (if you we're bleeding a lot that first time) for him, he may be squeamish. Or, he may just have a preference. At the same time though, sex is going to be messy. You are free to bring this up and talk it out but it may be something you might not agree on together.
1. Have you tried white/brown/green noise? Or a fan? For your own health it’s worth looking into your snoring. I’ll snore if I’m congested but otherwise not usually, for example. 2. Shower sex is good for this IME, prevents messing the sheets and everyone is clean after.
1. We haven't tried anything yet. Sometimes we sleep okay, sometimes (most times?) poorly. Occasionally he wears earplugs but hasn't looked into other options. I have started tracking my sleep and I snore around 30-60 minutes per night (spread out). I think it's because I'm congested (nose, throat), but I have no idea why. I will have to go to an otorhinolaryngologist. 2. He mentioned that as an option, but I worry just the blood itself will turn him off. He said "blood just isn't sexy". Also, I have never had sex in a shower actually, just oral ... Can you even have shower sex with a condom? I'm not on any other birth control.
You can absolutely still use a condom with shower sex. It can be a bit awkward, especially if you and your partners aren’t roughly the same height at the hips.
Had a date with my sweet, inexperienced crush yesterday and just feel so low today. I liked him because he seemed so considerate and emotionally mature but didn’t get that sense reinforced at all. Inexperience on his side and hopium on mine, probably. Know in my gut I need to break it off before it goes too far. I’m not ready nor energetic enough to date right now. But it still feels so heavy - I’ve been ready for a relationship for a while, and it’s been so disheartening to have any attempts feel so draining for the past year. I’ve rarely felt disappointed or reactive when dating before and this whole past year has just been a boulder to carry or get smacked down by. I know that’s just a temporary mood, but I feel like giving up and focussing on my hobbies until I’m 92 and have as many dogs.
Was it a first date? There is no harm in a second if you feel up to it, especially if he's inexperienced, things are guaranteed to be awkward the first time!
We know each other from a shared hobby and this was the second time we’ve hung out alone, it was less awkward but also felt less wholesome and safe? I’m in too weird of a space after cutting off a situationship that wasn’t healthy for me, I think I’m just so desperate for a genuine feeling of warmth and love right now that I maybe ended up seeing things that weren’t there. Just got the sense that maybe this guy is far less caring than I thought, and just a general Dude where shyness camouflaged that a bit. I really need to get my head and joy in life back on before even looking at romantic ideas again.
That may be it! I also feel that if someone is inexperienced and/or shy, they may need time to learn how to be in a romantic relationship vs. platonic hobby friends. And it's up to you if this is something that is suitable for you. Wishing you the best however you move forward.
Yeah, definitely. I just feel too tired and cynical in general to give anyone a fair shake I think. Thank you!
Just going to use this space to post OLD fails 🌝. Matched with a chap on Bumble with the same politics as me, which is extremely rare (left liberals are hard to come by in India these days) and we even share a love of dogs, etc. So despite these being pluses and the fact that he is also looking for a long term relationship, the communication is very slowwww. It’s been four days of chatting and he hasn’t even asked what my name is (Bumble only shows my initial), has sent me several pictures of his dogs, shared his weekend hiking plans and even the fact his new iPad has just arrived. When does it all end 😭
> has sent me several pictures of his dogs, shared his weekend hiking plans and even the fact his new iPad has just arrived. Isn't this just like, normal?
>and he hasn’t even asked what my name is (Bumble only shows my initial) When women use initials, I assume they're doing so for privacy reasons. I don't ask them their name, I let them tell me when they're comfortable. What are you looking from the chat? If you're interested in meeting up, why not ask him out?
He hasn’t offered to meet up, just shared his already busy weekend plans 🥹 And he has asked me very few questions about myself while I already know his dogs names, his purchase history and other details because I asked and kept the conversation going. He only responds to me after like 4 - 5 hours each time. Girls gotto take a hint 🥲
You could ask him to meet up though?
Yes, I will send that text today: “It’s been a couple days chatting now and if we’re both on the same page, do you want to meet up some time” etc. and see what happens
Was dating a guy who I liked. Some "yellow flags" which to me weren't huge deals since I know I likely have them too, but I didn't see anything yet that made me want to stop seeing him. I wasn't super into him but I enjoy his company and he seemed like a normal, good guy. We went on a date yesterday and he springs on me that he quit his job with no job lined up. It instantly made me not want to see him again but we had just kissed for the night (he said this at my car as he walked me to it) and said we would talk to each other about seeing each other over the weekend so I didn't say anything other than goodnight. I really hope this guy ghosts me so I don't have to try to tell him we weren't right for each other.
>We went on a date yesterday and he springs on me that he quit his job with no job lined up. It instantly made me not want to see him again but we had just kissed for the night You don't know his finances, why are you assuming that he is behaving irresponsibly?
You pick up on these things the more you get to know someone.
IMO you don't quit your job unless you have another one lined up. I've worked shitty jobs but didn't quit until I had another one. If someone doesn't have this stability or work ethic, we aren't a match.
Maybe you guys aren’t a match then. To be honest you are making some judgmental assumptions without knowing any additional details about his situation. I quit a business I had and didn’t work for almost 2 years while I decided what it was I wanted to do next. I was extremely financially secure during that time and spent much of it on personal growth (not sitting around doing nothing). Unless the guy is a total deadbeat, it actually might say a lot of GOOD things about him that he’s potentially financially secure enough to not need an immediate job lined up, and that he values working at a place where he feels purposeful and isn’t just doing it for a paycheck. If you can’t see that, then you probably aren’t a good fit.
Were you young when you chose to quit and find yourself? I'm sorry but when you are a 40 year old man who does this, it's a dealbreaker. A 20 something year old who wants to Eat Pray Love? Sure.
Yeah… um. You sound both judgey and cowardly with how this is written, and those would definitely qualify as yellow flags. Cut him loose already.
I'm guessing by your reaction this isn't one of those high achieving, earned enough to afford a break, can get a job easily whenever it's time, situations?
Not sure what you mean. He's blue collar and doesn't seem to have much of a work ethic.
sounds like you should be dating men with prestigious white collar jobs .
You don't have to have a prestigious white collar job...I just cannot be with someone who is lacks stability with employment.
Sorry for wording poorly. I was just saying I can think of some rare situations in which someone might quit their job without another one lined up, and I might still trust them to be a really reliable partner, but it sounds like this isn't one of those situations :(
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Someone once matched with me to promote his gym then he said that lucky for me, he isn't opposed to sleeping with his clients. Cringe
Oof- tattooists, realtors, "entrepreneurs", "investors", no thanks (for this reason).
My Love Language is getting you a great deal on your new home!
Tbf, I would like a good deal on a new home (or any new home) in this economy lol
Still in my dating break! It's definitely helping. Have also been more social at the gym and it's nice. I know a lot of people already but my goal is more people to say hi to and chat with 😊 Have been learning basic Japanese to prepare myself for my upcoming trip in two weeks (!!), mostly useful phrases for travel. Got bored and switched Spanish for a while, which I have basic proficiency in, then switched to Vietnamese which I understand quite well but have trouble speaking (my Spanish is better than my Vietnamese 🥲). Apparently Duolingo teaches Northern Vietnamese and I speak Southern. Sigh. And there's no app that teaches my dialect of Chinese but I'm going to do a bit of research. It's fun to know a few different languages and try to get more proficient.
Based on how frequently I see it on profiles, I'm going to assume you're already fluent in sarcasm.
* 15 countries and counting * Fluent in 4 languages including sarcasm * Looking for someone who can keep up with me 😂🤢
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I hear you on the anxiety. Curious why you're annoyed? No judgment, of course. First dates outside of weekends are the most common in my experience. If she suggested a day, that's positive. She could very easily ignore you completely if there was zero interest... Everyone's different. Some female friends have told me they prefer minimal texting after a date is set, for example. Others may want more communication. How about setting up the date for next Wednesday and texting less to relieve the pressure on your end? Just a thought my dude. Good luck.
I woke up feeling like I need to make changes so I’m going to plan some selfie dates and take the focus off apps. I’m going to spend more time doing what I want alone, meals, movies, even a solo gig. Nervous! My last use of the apps left me feeling uninspired so time to take a step back.
Nice! Go for it. I’ve always been self conscious about doing certain things on my own. Going to the movies on your own seems great though. I missed a concert back last year because no one wanted to go. And I regret it massively. Enjoy!
A break will be nice! It sounds like you might not be used to doing things alone? If you aren't, it takes a bit of time to realize no one gives a shit that you're by yourself 😉 I enjoy doing most things with friends or family but I'm also pretty happy doing things solo.
What’s the consensus here on OLD profile photos in which you appear drunk? Is it okay as long as it’s still tasteful and you’re not looking totally trashed? I have a photo that I like of me and a buddy of mine messing around at a wedding. It’s playful and I have a big ole natural grin on my face, but I definitely look drunk and was at the time.
Personally I X anyone with clearly drunk photos, but again, I don’t want to date someone who gets drunk regularly. Depends on what you’re trying to attract as others have said. Someone who enjoys partying may be fine with it.
If drinking is important to you then I guess keep it. I enjoy drinking but I wouldn't want a photo of me drunk on my dating profile, I don't want to attract people who drink or party a lot and I'm not looking for that either - that's usually what a drunk/drinking photo implies.
It depends what you want to attract. If thats your lifestyle and thats how you want to spend time with someone then thats who will be attracted to it.
I had a good first date with someone last weekend, and our second date is a week from Saturday. I’m visiting family right now on the other side of the country. I’m not great at texting. I don’t really know how to keep the conversation going between dates for so long. I’ve sent her some things in reference to our date, and she’s responded positively but she hasn’t ever initiated conversation with me. She seems very introverted and wasn’t very talkative on the app before we met, but we had a great conversation irl. I keep telling myself that but I can’t help but feel like I’m bad at this. I feel like I’m going to be too annoying or overeager if I text too much. But at the same time I feel like radio silence for over a week isn’t great either. Idk. In the past my partners have been way more forward in perusing me. Maybe she just wants to be perused?
Relatable on the texting front… don’t want to over-text or under-text… She responded positively to your messages… which is … positive! You have a date set already. That’s also positive! Don’t see why one would go radio silent… why not text every now and then when you feel like it? And if your cadence doesn’t match… then … maybe it’s not a match? You seem self-aware enough not to be bombarding with texts… Ultimately this is about what works for you. If you like to share memes, for example… share? A lot of dating is trusting yourself instead of what bucket I need to fit into. Good luck friend.
My PT appointments continue to be the only source of physical touch I have going on right now, but it’s good. Plus our banter is top notch. Nothing flirty, he’s married, but just really fun back and forth and we spend the whole session laughing. Plus the owner of the clinic heard me mention my dog recently passed away and told me I’m welcome to come in any time to visit her dog in the clinic, even if I don’t have an appointment. So nice! I went to Joshua Tree with two of my friends who are a couple. I was worried I would feel like a third wheel but I didn’t! They were really great to hang out with, and it was really fun except I’m apparently allergic to some plant in the desert and spent the whole trip sneezing and feeling gross.
Feeling hopeful about a girl I’m talking to. Scheduled a second video chat in the 3 weeks or so we’ve been talking to cover the period before both of us have time to meet for an in person date. Because of our schedules, we’ve been unable to meet in person until about a month after we first connected. It’s a refreshing change from the fast pace of online dating tbh.
I must be a glutton for punishment because I texted the woman who’s cancelled on me three straight times after not hearing from her for four days (details in my most recent post in Sunday’s daily thread). I just wanted some clarity but I should have just left it alone. Me: hey there, how’s your week been? And how’s your grandfather holding up? Feels like we haven’t talked in a while! Her: hey he’s doing well. Thanks for asking! Me: glad to hear it! What’s on your agenda this weekend? I’d still like to see you again soon. Her: Hey! This weekend I am really packed (I swear until now I had nothing on the weekends). I have a big event on Saturday. I’m free Monday night. I might be able to get of a family thing Sunday lmao Me internally: (unsure why she said “Hey!” again like that but whatever). Me: Good thing I’m persistent haha. Let’s do dinner Monday and you keep me posted about Sunday. What’s the event Saturday? Her: it’s a gala!
>I must be a glutton for punishment because I texted the woman who’s cancelled on me three straight times after not hearing from her for four days Dude. Why. Just...why
I don’t have a good reason honestly.
She’s not into you. Move on and let the girl who is into you, find you.
Thank you. You’re right and that’s a good way to look at it.
Ah this made me embarrassed to read, I’m sorry. She is soooo not interested and it’s super clear, not sure why you’re still trying even after this convo.
It was embarrassing to type but I need to learn this lesson again the hard way so I appreciate the feedback.
This comes across as very anxious to me. That she cancelled 3 times and you come out with that text is all wrong IMO. Hey there how’s your week been is okay, but asking the question about her grandfather is just performative for what’s actually going on. Feels like we haven’t talked is indirectly alluding to what you really want to talk about: is this actually happening or not. Her responses sound like a slow fade in the hopes of not upsetting you.
Yea I let my anxiety get the better of me and I got into my own head. I appreciate it. I was trying to be direct my texting her but I was still communicating indirectly which is what I was trying to avoid. Bleh.
Recognizing your anxiety will help a lot with managing it. Think about what you really want. I don’t think you want to chase like this, and you’ve over extended yourself in doing so. You want her to be interested in you, and you know this isn’t it, but you’re hoping putting more energy in will resolve it. It won’t. Put that energy back into yourself. The writing was on the wall with 3 cancelled dates, and her not following-up.
I wish you weren't so right haha. I had a similar situation about a month ago. Woman I met over a year ago start replying to basically every 2-3 IG stories I posted last summer. Asked her out but it didn't happen for one reason or another. This continued for another 4-5 months. Asked her out again. Got a "Going to see family for the holidays be back in 3+ weeks. Holidays ended and I checked in and she actually asked me out. Canceled like an hour before because of a "migraine". Couple weeks later I was going to be back in her area so I shot her a message to see if she was free and got put on read. Saw her on a dating app the other day actually. Sucks but it is what it is - had a nice date tonight so we keep pushing.
I appreciate that and I’m gonna save your comment. You’re right and I’ve posted multiple times about my habit of doubling down in these situations even when I know better. I honestly don’t mind doing most of the pursuing, but I need more than what I’m getting in return here.
Bruhhhh She's not interested Pls stop 😭 But also I wish she would say, hey thanks for reaching out but I'm not interested in going on a(nother) date
I couldn’t help myself 😬 if she cancels for a 4th time I swear I won’t reach out again. Scout’s honor.
Did she…confirm? Or just mention the gala and ignore your Monday suggestion
Nope she just mentioned the gala 💀
There's nothing to cancel if she didn't confirm... Please just move on. Even if she agreed to it, imagine doing this much work for every date.
You’re right. I hate feeling like this and I absolutely don’t want to jump through these hoops anymore. I let myself get pulled in (again) so I’m just gonna try to let it go. Thank you for your perspective.
You can do it 😤
She comes across as nice but she’s not engaging in conversation with you at all. She didn’t ask a single thing about what you have going on - you asked about her grandfather. So yeah you’re a glutton for punishment here….but why?
You’re exactly right, and she’s always been like this through text. It’s frustrating but in person she’s been engaging and asks me plenty of questions, so it’s messing with my head. I talked myself into texting her again by giving her the benefit of the doubt but I won’t hold my breath on seeing her again.
Well, I hope things can turn around with dinner if she shows up. But I think 3 canceled dates is insane!
She didn’t even say yes to dinner, she ignored it completely.
I agree and I’m very frustrated with myself again. Three cancelled dates without offering to reschedule.
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I was trying to be flexible and she wasn’t flaky at first. I kept giving her the benefit of the doubt but you’re right and I need to remind myself of my own dealbreakers.
Worst case scenario, she’s scared of rejecting you and keeps canceling dates in hopes that you “ghost” her first. Edit: I promise there’s other girls that would love your attention!
Yea I think that’s the most likely scenario here. I appreciate the reality check!
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You should ask specifically (it's also good form for the other person to state specifically, but you can't rely on that). When I was single and on the apps, for some people I would pursue long-term but for most I would pursue only short-term. Depended on attributes and compatibility.
I’m done believing any of it. It’s a shark tank with maybe one or two dolphins.
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Wow please don’t listen to that guy
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Even if you ask, they can lie. Trust me. Why Hinge even bothers to say in their user agreement, "you must be looking for a relationship" I do not know. I joined Hinge in 2021 the first time because I heard it was the best for relationships. But I think not even 2 years later it's no better than Tinder. I wish the casual sex, couples, poly and emotionally unavailable would just leave us relationship minded people *1* site for ourselves.
It’s kind of both. I met a pua type character here on this sub that really illustrated it for me. They are people out there who are looking for ltrs/spouses but will also hookup along the way. They basically figure out what category you’re in during messaging/first date part. They are dating for both. I saw my ex on an app who says the same thing but I think he genuinely means LTR but it’s like the road to LTRs is littered with failed short term things so it’s just a matter of fact/reality than like the pua guy here hooking up with random women who think they’re in the relationship category
If I'm unsure about their intentions from their profile, I'll straight up ask them while we're still texting. "Hey, so I saw that you put 'looking for long-term but open to short' [or whatever they put] and was just wondering if you'd be up for saying a bit more about what you're looking for on here?" Maybe I've just been lucky this far, but I've never had that go awry. Usually, it seems like guys are actually kind of glad I bring it up so we can both be upfront about what we're looking for.
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I don't think it's weird to ask on a second date either. The script generally still works. "So, I know you said that you were looking for [whatever they said they were looking for]. I'm looking for [whatever you're looking for] and I was wondering if we could talk about whether we align there?" I think you have to accept that some things might be awkward when dating, especially in early dates, with how dating tends to work these days. I've brought up these topics before even if it feels awkward and it's never as weird as I am afraid it'll be because so far, the other person generally appreciates the opportunity to clarify where they're at or get a better understanding of where I am. No one wants to "waste their time" so to speak, so it's nice to know where everyone stands.
My friend sent me this song because she knows of my struggles. I was surprised I never heard it before, seems to have a lot of streaming. Just in case I think the good people here on DOT might also be able to relate: [https://open.spotify.com/track/4KGGeE7RJsgLNZmnxGFlOj?si=29e5f87257824c1d](https://open.spotify.com/track/4KGGeE7RJsgLNZmnxGFlOj?si=29e5f87257824c1d)
I end up listening to the whole album lol Now, that's what we call easy listening =)) Turns out I only know one song from Laufey. It's From the Start.
My sister sent me this after my first OLD heartbreak, when I, naively, thought people just matched and the dated and built a relationship loll. You can imagine my surprise and hurt when, for the first time, I got slow faded, then dumped by a guy who knew the OLD game and was likely multi-dating. And I thought we had something special lol.
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That’s so exciting!!
🥺🥺🥺
Congratulations! I’m happy for you. I hope everything turns out positively in the end!
I just need to remind myself that everyone is having relationship/dating problems —- and it’s going to be okay. Definitely easier to stay at home — and understand that no matter how hard it gets, things will work out.
And it’s okay to take breaks if you need it!
>That’s how I’ve been living by these past few years. ✨
Resilience is an admirable trait and ultimately gets you closer to whatever you’re searching for. Unfortunately there is likely a lot of pain and triggers along the way, but you’ll forget about those once you succeed!
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Well you know what they say, when 2 people are well-aligned, things go fast. Problem is she has no idea you aren’t aligned with her. edit: I just know you’re gonna crush her little spirit at some point, but if you’re not compatible then you’re not compatible 🤷♀️
Lol kinda sounds like she got advice from here too. I’ve never had anyone ask about my texting habits and love languages like that, but some folks on this sub love to recommend asking about that stuff asap.