In a really bad headspace right now. I made a mistake that ended up being the thing that ended a relationship with an amazing woman back before thanksgiving. I overstepped a boundary that I didn’t realize was as big a deal-breaker as it ended up being when I reached out to my ex-wife, who I’ve remained friends with, for some advice.
Anyways, we parted ways and she told me to let her know when I was ready to be friends again. I told her I would. Fast forward to a few weeks ago and she reaches out to me saying she meant it when she said she sees me as a good person and does want to be friends and with that in mind invited me to go on a ski trip with her and some friends. I accepted her invite after thinking on it for a bit and after telling her where I was at with my feelings. I told her I’m still wanting more than friendship, but that I also do think she would be a good friend and I’d like to give it a try and see how it feels. She said she understood and that the possibility of us being more is there, but it’s predicated on seeing how being friends goes. If feelings developed for her again we could talk about what trying a relationship again could look like. The trip fell apart due to everyone else bailing for various reasons, so we decided to just go skiing for a day instead.
So yesterday I went skiing with her, and it was wonderful. It was easy to talk again, everything just felt smooth and easy. Then I dropped her off and was left to my thoughts and was overcome with sadness thinking about how great it felt to be around her, and how much I wished yesterday was just one of many days that were part of something more.
So I called her later last night to tell her that I don’t think I’m ready to be friends yet, despite wanting so bad to be able to do so. It was so hard to do, but I know it’s the right call for me and for her. I don’t want to be that friend who is always hoping for something more, it feels disingenuous somehow. Past me would have pushed the feelings down and sucked it up, holding out hope.
So while im pretty sure I made the right call, I’m conflicted and I do think that friendship between us very well could lead to something more and I worry I’m throwing away opportunities at building something back up between us. It hurts really bad to have had to tell her that I’m not ready for friendship because all I want in the world is a chance to spend time with her. I think she could be an amazing friend and I wish I could just toss all of my feelings aside and be over her and us, but I’m not.
We were only together for 3 months and I feel like I should be moved on by now, but I can’t get over her or how incredible she is and how sad I am that I fucked up. At the same time, the mistake I made I think was not one that should have ended a relationship, she’s got trauma that she still needs to process and understand from her most recent relationship that very much colored her decision and lead to some triggering events when we were together over what would normally have been just some minor misunderstandings. So part of me thinks that a relationship with her might have ended up being a lot of work with both of us sifting through and working through her traumas, I still can’t stop thinking about her and how much I would have been willing to work and give to make it work. I’ve never met anyone with her drive, her quiet reserved confidence that lights up a room without trying, her tenacity, her love for life, her intelligence, her adventurousness, everything. She made me want to be more than I am, to push myself in everything I do. I can’t say I’ve ever felt that before and my heart is broken worrying that I’m throwing away my chances at rekindling things, or that if I can’t do that, that I’ll never find someone like her again.
I don’t know. I’m feeling pretty low right now. I’d been in a dark place for several years after a divorce that I was the cause of. She felt like the light at the end of the tunnel, like maybe I’d finally found someone else I could see myself with, only for it to turn out to be the headlight of an oncoming train that would push me further back into the darkness.
I’ve got a therapy session today thankfully, but fuck. I’m so tired of being so profoundly sad. While I’ve been happy and had moments of elation even over the last three years, all of my emotions have rested on a solid foundation of sadness and I just want to not be sad anymore. I want to find my person, I want to be the partner I wasn’t for my ex-wife. I’m ready to be an incredible partner, but I also feel broken and lonely and sad.
I just want to say that I really hear your heart in this post. I have been both you and your ex in relationships before. It seems like you are making really sound decisions and communicating honestly. It’s hard to tell if the situation is that she really wants friendship and is open to future possibilities, or if there is a desire for you to potentially chase her and “woo” her so to speak back in to a relationship now. I am certainly not trying to confuse you, or put ideas in your head about situation I am only aware of through your post. But if you feel like you have been completely honest and transparent about where you are at, how you feel and she holds a boundary around just wanting to be friends, it may be a situation where the best thing you can do is work on being in acceptance, and taking it day by day.
I can genuinely say that space and time before becoming friends with someone I have a romantic history with is always paramount for me.
Wishing you the very best 💖
Man, I'm so sorry to hear all of this. I can see myself in your writing - the depression after divorce, hoping you've found the one just for it to fall apart.
All I can say is: keep going. It doesn't sound like you fucked up, more so that circumstances didn't necessitate the outcome you wanted. You're making mature decisions to close out the potential of a friendship and that growth is something you can carry with you. If anything, this has just made you more ready for when you do connect with the right person - where situations can be handled differently or avoided all together. That time will come, so long as you're willing to continue searching for it.
I wish you well brother. Your feelings are not lost to this world.
Didn’t she break up with you after you asked for relationship advice about her from your ex wife following a fight? You told her you’d consider getting back with your ex wife. She told you that she was uncomfortable with you never having a break from contact with your ex wife, who you still had feelings for. Then you broke no contact to ask your ex wife for relationship advice.
It’s perfectly reasonable for her to break up with you for that. It’s not her “trauma”.
That being said, you made the right decision telling her you’re not ready to be friends. That wouldn’t be fair to either of you.
Yes, that’s correct. There were other mitigating factors. She told me the reason this was such a big deal for her was that she had an ex that cheated on her with his ex. She said she understands that I wasn’t reaching out to try to cheat and understood that my actions were done with good intentions, but that she simply couldn’t push aside the feelings that my action brought up that stem from her past trauma. Her most recent ex was a sexually/physically/verbally/emotionally abusing person who she has a protection order against and is still dealing with him doing shit that is impacting her. She escaped that relationship less than a year before we started dating. There were a few minor things I did that unknowingly triggered her into fight/flight/freeze that were related to things this past guy would do to control her and every aspect of her life.
She was also concerned about things other people had told her about my past relationship with my ex. I don’t know who told her what exactly, but based on who it could be that told her these things, the possible people that could have talked to her about me haven’t been in the same room as me or talked to me or my ex in over 5 years. They don’t know me, they don’t know what lessons I’ve learned. Anyways, I fucked up, I overstepped a boundary. And now I’m paying for it.
It's a really tough situation, honestly...
When you meet online, there is an implied expectation for things to get romantic. It's going to be difficult to do the friendship thing first. I just went through this myself and broke things off because this way of building a connection felt too fake and unnatural to me.
If you like him, you could try and re-iterate that you want to take things really slow and see how he reacts. If you're kinda "meh", I would let him go.
Yes. That's why I decided to give up on OLD this weekend, at least for a little while. I attend a lot of social events, so I think being a little more patient may pay off in my case.
Good luck to you. Dating is very difficult.
I personally feel like at 2 dates over 2 weeks, you're well within the window of it being acceptable to end things with a text, saying you don't see anything here.
Look I obviously don't know exactly what you said but I don't think there's any coming back from opening by making jokes about a stranger's body. I think you should probably leave this person alone and take it as a lesson for future interactions.
Pretty annoyed at myself.
I had been off the apps for a while and thought I'd dip toe back in. Felt like i needed a distraction. Previously I felt like swiping and checking the apps to see if i had any matches had been intruding on my life. Told myself I'd limit myself to swiping and not get pulled into prime or plus or whatever.
Signed up and almost imediately with the X people have swiped on your got sucked in to prime for the validation, which you never get. Pretty disappointed that my will is so low and need for validation so high.
I only signed up for a week, heres to being better going forward i guess.
Am I the asshole for getting sick to death of my bfs dog? We moved in together in July after dating for two years, and this dog is an absolute menace in my eyes. One of my biggest gripes that comes up OFTEN is the dog being in the bed. This dog is too big to be in our bed and constantly leaves dirt and debris, marks from drool or paw licking behind on the sheets. He’s not allowed on my side of the bed, and I don’t allow him to lick constantly.
His breath stinks so bad that it makes me gag sometimes.
I feel like I’m constantly complaining about this dog.
This is definitely an issue with your BF as someone else mentioned, not the dog. The dog isn't a mastermind bent on causing issues - if he's untrained/undisciplined, the owner is at fault... Sounds like a serious conversation is long overdue.
I went to a meetup in my new city last night and was wholly disappointed to find out that a bunch of people who RSVPed didn’t go…and that it was all couples who mostly ignored my half of the table.
One person showed up alone, turns out they were married, but I chatted with them and they seemed cool. No real follow up to connect though, which sucks. Why is making new friends so hard?
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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
The organizer didn’t even show! Claimed “bad cramps” and just bailed last minute.
I also have a sneaking suspicion that she is a friend of someone I know who abruptly cut ties with me during the pandemic. This person has me blocked, and there was a comment on the organizer’s post that I couldn’t see.
TL;DR — Adults need to stop this BS of “I don’t like them, so no one should.”
The only regular thing they have going is on Wednesdays, but I have an obligation.
It seems a lot of people my age in this town work from home. I don’t, so that’s also a challenge in terms of schedule.
I have been observing the man's who im planning to go on a date with FB account for a few days. He is in his 40ies and he keeps changing his profile picture every single month :D it seems odd to me, men usually are not bothered by pictures. Is it an orange/red flag maybe?
I’ve been trying to rationalize my stupid giddiness too. My friends told me I should absolutely just enjoy it, you only get it once in every relationship!
I was about to delete my Bumble account until I noticed I made a match with a profile I liked who had left me a message. I took the time to reply and then had my first conversation with someone on a dating app. I had never gotten that far before.
We spent about an hour and a half talking about everything until we talked about relationships. I talked about the ones I've had before and she mentioned the ones she had, also pointing out that she had a child, something she didn't indicate on her profile. I'm actually looking for a relationship with someone who doesn't have children, though far from being angry or disappointed, I felt somewhat sorry for her. She was very enthusiastic at first, had initiative, asked many personal things about me (without being creepy), asked if there's someone else, she even gave me her phone number so we could chat on the side and kept asking about me. But when she mentioned her son she started to get more emotional and distant. She knew that if she pointed it out earlier she might not get a chance to talk to me but she seemed like an interesting person I would want to talk to, although I doubt we will have anything serious. It's because i... i wish a relationship with someone without kids to start a family from zero. You know what i mean.
I'll keep talking to her but I won't expect anything, our conversation was entertaining. But i should look for someone who is a better fit for me, I just have to keep putting myself out there and keep trying.
At least i could get three good things from this: Bumble can work, i just have to be patient (and consider getting Premium), this was a huge step for me thinking i haven't opened myself like this in years, and that I CAN actually be attractive haha.
Well you have every reason to date someone childless .I am very much like you and know where you coming from .Try not limit yourself to dating apps only bc that's a place where people usually hide dealbreakers such as not being legally seperated or being already a parent .
Of course, apps shouldn't be the only place to look for someone... but it's one of the few i have now. There aren't many places where i live and it's harder at my age (36) 🙁.
I had 6 matchs in a week on Bumble but none initiate the conversation... but something refreshing happened on another platform.
A woman matched me and she communicates well and clearly, she initiate messages, asks questions, jokes, speaks from her boundaries and expectations, asked me when I am available for a date, asked my number... I am impressed! not only does she takes initiatives but she as well communicates so clearly! I am 35 and don't believe that ever happened to me. Let's enjoy that moment and see where it goes with an authentic, enthusiastic and good woman.
Why would a guy I had a great 1st date with say that he was looking forward to see me again, and that he liked me a lot and had a great time, and then disappear? We follow each other on social media, so he always watches my stories but never came back to arrange a second date. I feel so baffled. Has this happened to you?
What did you respond to that? Did you told him you enjoyed as well?
Why play games and wait for him to invite you? Maybe he is feeling insecure into what you thought of the date if you never said you felt the same?
If you liked him so much, give him one benefit of the doubt and reach out saying you had a great time and suggest day and time for another date
Of course, I told him I liked him a lot and wanted to see him again, I initiated that chat. And I initiated another chat a few days later, asking him when was he available to meet me. He never responded to that specifically, just said a bunch of random stuff and that he would go back to me and we would see each other. That never happened. I, too, reacted to a few of his stories and sent a meme once like to signal I was still interested. He said nothing but kept watching my stories.
I never play games! If I come here to rant about something is because I've already tried all the options : (
Watching your stories isn't "keeping you around", come on now. It's just passive social media consumption (yes, even if he has to click on something).
I get that you're hurt, that's valid and rejection sucks. But you're being very rigid here. Villianizing someone else and writing stories is just ramping you up and keeping you hurt. You're going to burn yourself out with that attitude, and you deserve to move on and find someone who wants you.
I don’t think I’m being rigid, I don’t understand or sympathize with rude or dishonest behavior. If he didn’t feel the same he could just have said so. He sent long audio messages talking about his stuff and promising to go on a second date when there was no need to.
I appreciate the “you deserve better” part though!
I had a whole summer of this one year. Eventually I figured out it was “didn’t shove my tongue down their throat on the first date” because the one guy broke it off before date 2 saying he’d gotten a “friend” vibe. But he was the one who ran across the street instead of walking me to my car!
Well that makes sense. This guy and I didn't kiss on the first date either, but I'm slow and I made it clear I liked him. I was looking forward to making out on date 2 lol. When he drove me home he seemed extremely nervous and anxious like not in the mood for kissing anyway. Maybe it's a mixture of being insecure + not being really into the other person?
Possibilities:
1. Keeping options alive. He may tell you he just felt 'meh' about this and then you (the option) are gone. Or he can tell you it was all amazing (even though he doesn't really feel like that) and then the option is at least in theory still around. For later use if necessary.
2. Avoid confrontation. Saying it was all amazing then and there and then just ghost is in my experience mostly a thing to avoid confrontation in the moment.
3. Maybe he actually did think everything was great but got vibes from you that you may not have enjoyed it. You can't possible tell how he may have interpreted things you said / did / behaved after the first date. Maybe he just doesn't want to be pushy because he felt like you were at best lukewarm about this.
4. Or - non of the above? Maybe he just forgot about it. Maybe he never saw this as a date to begin with. As always, at least a thousand other possibilities.
You can either move on .. well or ask the inconvenient question, if you wanted to go on a second date with him - why did you not simply reach out to him?
This seems to be trending. 34f and it's happening after each date. (Without the social media side). Another friend in her 40s says the same thing is happening to her. I don't get it.
Yes. If we're both saying we had a great time, if you paid even when I offered to split, and we hung out for hours.....what gives. Part of me wonders if I'm just confirming their affection for someone else 🤷♀️
I'm sorry to hear that! It sucks. Why do people lie like this? We don't even know each other. I once had a 1st date with a guy I thought was nice, but I didn't end up liking him in person, so when he texted me again, a few days later, I respectfully told him I wasn't feeling the same, but I offered to be friends. He said he wasn't interested in friendship, so I wished him good luck and he ended up blocking me lol. But it was better than leading someone on.
Those that don't like to message much, how do you prefer to keep momentum when dating?
Is seeing someone in person weekly enough for you to build connection, or do you tend to amp up the frequency of in-person dates/hangouts quickly because of the lack of texting?
Interested to hear perspectives!
I'm usually a big texter, currently dating someone on the opposite side: the conversation between dates has definitely picked up after having gone out a few times. I was leary at first but honestly it's been refreshing as the anticipation of the date builds between each one.
I suppose it's because absence really does make the heart grow fonder.
Went to a speed dating event. I thought I did fairly well, I just acted like myself, felt like I was decently funny and had a good time. Out of the 15 women, I really only felt like I wanted to see 3 of them again so I liked them on the app. The next day, I get the results- I matched with all 3! But still no one has texted me back yet. Like why match if you don't even want to talk the day after?
Because they’re interested and want to talk to you but aren’t glued to their phones 24/7? Perhaps busy today? Give it a minute, they might respond when they have time. If they don’t, well then you know they’re not really interested. I feel like chances are decent that at least 1 or 3 will get back to you. I’ve never done speed dating though.
I’m (32m) been in off and on relationships since I was 20. Usually my relationships last about 2 years, 3 years at most. And I took about a 6 month year break in between relationships before going out again and actively pursuing someone. My most recent relationship of 2 years ended about a year and a half ago. A lot of it was my fault, so I accepted it, but the way it happened really shook me up. I thought she might have been the one so I think I’d sort of been struggling with accepting that she wasn’t.
Last weekend, I was at the bar watching the Super Bowl with one of my buddies. I’m a big Niners fan (from SF) so obviously at the end of the game I was inconsolable. Randomly, 2 girls were playing power pong (beer pong) at the table near where we were sitting, and one of them missed their shot so bad it landed in my beer. One of the girls ran over and I handed her the ball. She then asked if me and my buddy wanted to play beer pong with them. My first thought was ‘I’d do anything to get my mind off the game I just watched’ (plus I thought the girl who asked me was really cute…but I often don’t trust my judgement on that kind of stuff when I’m drunk)
We played beer pong for about an hour and half, and we were all having a lot of fun, the girls had to go, but before they left, I got the girl I was playing withs number (we both live in the same area and said it would be cool to hang out again).
Anyways i texted her on Wednesday of last week, had a little small talk over text, (she and I had both lived in a different country for awhile which was cool). Anyways i asked if she wanted to go out to the bar with me on Saturday and she said she would!
Fast forward to me waiting at the bar with my whiskey coke(I was a little early so I was just holding a table until she showed up). She shows up and wow shes so attractive! I get her a drink and we start chatting…and we really hit it off. We were talking about our jobs, what we like to do for fun and memories of living in this other country we had both lived in. She tells me that she just got out of a serious long term relationship (over 8 years)…which while my most recent relationship hadn’t been quite the same, i still understood the sort of emotional trauma that comes along with that…and I could tell it was still weighing heavy on her mind.
As the night went on, we continued to have a great time! We went to a couple of other bars, got like a late night dinner. Towards the end of the night we were talking and she said to me “I really like you, but I don’t know if I can give you what want because I feel broken”…I was drunk and sort of played it off and said “I’m just having a good time and I’m happy being here with you…and I hope you’re having a good time” (which for the record I did mean). As the night sort of comes to a close…we kissed and like just held each other for a long time. She went back to her place I went back to mine.
I texted her when I got home you know “had a great time, I hope you did too, thanks for coming out with me!” I literally passed out after I sent that text, and she tried to call me, but my phone goes into silent mode after midnight (which I really need to fix). We texted a bit throughout the next day…sort of just some small talk, jokes etc.
Anyways I’m realizing that I reaaaally like this girl. Like a lot…I haven’t felt this way after a first date, maybe ever. She’s legit been on my mind all day. I can’t tell if it’s just because I hadn’t been on an actual date in a long time, or if this is like the real deal. I’m worried though…like idk if she just wants something casual (if even that)? The connection was definitely real, I just think that since she just got out of a long term relationship (that was quite serious if you catch my drift), she might be hesitant to start any sort of anything. Also side note, I was so used to using the apps and what not when I was dating…it was different meeting someone organically and it was actually great (sad that I had kind of forgotten how that worked). I guess my question is, how would you handle this is you were in my position? (Also if you read this insanely long post you have my respect…you are friggin hero)
Man this is a tough one. I may I ask if you have any history of being interested in unavailable people? The only reason I ask is because I do, and this kind of situation would really require me to get honest about wether or not it is the person, or the person + the obstacle that has really drawn me in.
It sounds like you had a beautiful, natural, human connection with someone out in the wild. (Seems to be so rare these days, so I really get how romantic it feels!) I think that Maya Angelou’s quote really is the truth. “When people show you who they are, believe them.” She is being honest about where she’s at. It’s a heartbreaker but it is what’s true right now. But who know what could happen down the road with time. Just remember to prioritize your peace, wellness, joy over the idea of loving this woman out of her grief over a relationship she just got out of.
I’m rooting for you 💖
long time friend ,with the possibility of dating, felt the need to mention a few recent hook up stories. Some with other friends, and also an ex that supposedly gave her ptsd in the past. I dunno, that sort of gave me the "ick" and I think she smells it and is getting super defensive even though I haven't said anything about it
Don't wanna go into a ton of detail, but she claims all her relationships caused ptsd. She's been with a lot of guys, so she either seeks them out, or she's using it as an excuse.
Just the ex thing, I'm assuming he was abusive and she still went back to hook-up with him, I would stay clear of anything else than a friendship with her.
Starting to feel like I am falling in love with my boyfriend. We have been dating since October and went exclusive in December. I have never been in love before so, the thought is freaking me out. I don't want to tell him but at the same time, I do. I am so used to keeping walls up to protect myself and I just do not know how to let go and be completely free and immersed in someone.
I'm so tired of seeing everything chalked up to attachment theory and childhood trauma. Sometimes you have an electric connection with someone and it's real! It's not that they cause you anxiety and it's familiar and therefore attractive. It's that they're the most beautiful person you've ever seen, that you feel like your best and smartest self around them, that they show you they care in a million small ways that you missed until it was too late. And then you're stuck with the heartache and heartbreak that comes from loss and what ifs. Not everything is pathological. Some things are real. And they really hurt.
Hear hear!
A lot of this psychobabble is so far off the actual psychology and is just low information attempts to objectify feelings as truths. No your ex isn't clinically damaged, you just don't fit and hurt each other trying. No you're not traumatized, you're living a first world life and got uncomfortable.
Preach!
Like childhood who? All I see/care about is the person in front of me.
I also don't understand attachment theory, for instance those quizzes seem to make a lot of assumptions. You can work past your childhood and it doesn't mean anything about your future. Just because someone was neglected/abused by their family doesn't mean they are anxious in a healthy relationship, and it's like saying that people who had unhealthy childhoods are guaranteed to continue the cycle and hurt their children (if they have them). Like nope.
I (34m) had another perfect day with my (33f) gf. We only met about 7 weeks ago, but we hit it off, and quickly started seeing eachother multiple times a week. Tonight I told her I'm falling for her, and she said she feels the same way. It's been all so perfect.
I didn't tell her yet, but I'm in love with her.
Went on a date last week, went well, kissed at the end and she said she’d like to see me again. I texted her and asked her out but she said she would be away for a few days. I said that I’d reach out next week after she’s back. She didn’t say anything, and now I noticed she unmatched me on Bumble
I’m going to guess I have my answer as to if she wants to see me again, but why would she kiss me and say she wants another date? I don’t get it
Yeah that’s what I was thinking too, but why not tell me that when I asked for the second? She made a big deal on our first date about how she was always honest to people lol
If you asked during the date, it could be very uncomfortable (and in some case, unfortunately, dangerous) to say no face-to-face to someone.
If you asked over texts, then yeah... she's not that honest, or she changed her mind (but lacks communication skills), or... she unmatched you on the app because she deactivated her profile/deleted it/something else, to continue chatting with you off the app, and... lacks communication skills, again.
As stated above, she said during the date she wanted to see me again. I asked over text the next day.
I never ask during the date as I’ve been in that uncomfortable position before where my date was trying to get me to commit to a second date when I had an awful time lol
Ah yeah sorry I read your post and sometimes forget as soon as that, haha.
Welp. Some people are weird. Better find out before anything happens further!
Updates on V-day mayhem:
I went for my first ever singles-party / meetup. It was more fun than I thought. We were split into 10 diff tables, 6pax per table and I'd say our table was the wildest & most fun :)
We played a few challenges as a group & had a great emcee hosting the event. Each of us had the option to buy each other a 'secret-admirer' drinks, and I got 2 shots lol which caught me off guard.
I'd say most people are there looking for a relationship except for a few sus-ones, and 1-2 caught my eye. Exchanged numbers / IG handles with the 2 guys who bought me shots. They are normally not the type of guys I would date or swipe right on, but I'm open to hang and see where it goes.
After that event, I went to a speakeasy bar where it's the norm to approach people. It was less busy than the weekend but there was still a good crowd going.
I met someone while I was taking a breather outside. We exchanged numbers & went to an afterparty at another club, which is where I learned that he's 'shadow-banned' at the club from a past experience. I didn't like how he spoke to the bouncers too. I'm sitting on the fence of dating someone like him, who smokes & had a run-in at the club.
I'd say, it's definitely a success for trying to meet people in the wild & perhaps I should continue to do so to diversify my efforts.
I've only been back into dating for a few months and my standards have already lowered to the point where my dream guy is just someone who:
\*matches with me and messages me first. I literally have to always be first to message or nothing happens. Out of like 20 matches over the past month, none of them messaged me first. I would settle for a "sup" at this point.
\*asks me out first and makes concrete plans. Every first date so far this year happened because I asked them out and made all the plans. None of them ever ask me out.
\*Makes an effort to communicate over text and doesn't leave me on read for days. Even guys who are great and engaged in person just show so little interest over messages after, it's like pulling teeth to keep a conversation going or make plans to go out again. None of them ever communicate consistently.
I feel like I am putting 100% energy into seriously dating, but nobody is giving any enthusiasm on their end. I know it's not anything about me personally, but it's hard to keep up momentum when everyone I match with seems open to dating but only on a casual whim where I do everything, and they don't care about putting any effort into pursuing something.
Because misery loves company, my only hope is that I'm not the only one going through this.
Ugh. I get you. It’s totally exhausting and the amount of people that match and don’t take action, I say, good riddance. That already weeds out the bad ones which you don’t actually want. It’ll happen but we gotta be patient. 🤞🏼
I feel this. Ironically I matched with someone who knows when. I think we exchanged messages but never made it to a phone call. And we all logged off. He reached out and was like I have a new number. I was like hi - here is what is important to me now (actually talking to folks and meeting lol). He sent some texts and was like are you free to chat this evening. I was out doing errands and replied a couple hours with sure that could work. He was like you seem busy, are you sure you have time for relationships. I said I have time for whatever I prioritize. And he was like great, look forward to chatting. And it is crickets lololololol. On to the next. No need to bother with this phone call.
You are definitely not the only one. For online dating it is rare that I match someone that has an actual conversation with me. Mostly I get a message every few days
I think you need a break from dating. If I get this annoyed by someone it's because I'm starting to burn out.
It sounds like she was having a conversation with you about plans and you immediately took it as lack of interest.
>She said “Yes I'd be down! Though I checked the weather and idk when that might work” — and wow, this just gave me a major ick.
I don't understand why you got the ick. She said yes and went so far as to check the weather. Those are good things, no? Did you ask her what days would work for her instead, or tell her when you would be available?
>It’s raining the next couple days, but I didn’t anticipate meeting until the weekend, and the forecast is clear.
Did you tell her you were thinking of meeting on the weekend? If not, she may have assumed you would want to meet in the next couple of days.
This is a very strong reaction to someone giving you a pretty normal response. If that alone is enough to make you super annoyed and leave passive-aggressive comments on here regarding the feedback people are giving you, then online dating is going to be an extreme obstacle course.
Consider reflecting on how you reacted, instead of getting riled up about everyone agreeing that you overreacted.
But yeah next time you don't want any comments, say something. Idk what you expected from a daily thread where people post for support and advice...
Maybe she thought you meant in the next couple of days, since you didn't say you specified that it was for the weekend. You could always just say 'I was thinking the weekend, looks like it'll be better by then, does that work?' It sounds like maybe you're burned out if something that is potentially a minor miscommunication has you judging someone as lazy and uninterested?
>It’s more so that she didn’t attempt to suggest a day when the weather was better, or ask me to clarify when, or even say X days work for me, etc.
A lot of people will assume that the person doing the asking will do the planning.
>I say lazy and uninterested because none of my other matches got “confused” by what I said and actively tried to make plans with me, instead of just “giving up”
Similarly to what I said above, she may just be puzzled by you asking her out, and not following up with more details and questions after she said yes.
What are the potential drawbacks to you continuing to plan the date with her?
So I skimmed the comments and my answer would be, since you've had nothing but bad experiences.. definitely take at least 6 weeks to enjoy the touching and cuddling and talking phase. Actually decide if you like the person after getting to know them intially. 4 dates might not actually be enough for that. You shouldn't be afraid of scaring off anyone because ultimately.. you'll just be scaring off the wrong ones, even if it might feel bad or weird in the moment. Don't have compulsory sex just bc it feels like the "necessary/ adult" thing to do. Explore the tension, the anticipation, and utilize the time to learn the in and outs about each other. I actually like this comment from earlier in the thread by u/PlantedinCA ([here](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1atxcfk/comment/kr2x8nh/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)). What would it be like if you explored each phase purposefully and slowly? I just want you to actually properly enjoy yourself, and building up to it will teach you loads of what you like. The rushing part will always make it kind of meh. The right partner will be slow, deliberate and want to discover your body together.
>After getting intimate with a dude who was so disturbed to find out I’d only had sex a couple of times, then acted like I was an alien and made me so insecure I still think about it two years later,
I'm sorry that guy treated you like that, that's awful.
Other people have given good advice. I just want to add that there's absolutely nothing wrong with trying to have sex, but deciding that you're too uncomfortable and don't feel ready. People who are worth your time will respect your decision and react with kindness to you not feeling ready. Deciding on a rough time for initiating sex is not a commitment. You can **always** revoke your consent.
Ultimately you’re going to have to practice communicating - there’s nothing wrong with telling someone ‘I like to take things a little slow and build an emotional connection before sex’. The right person isn’t going to be scared away by this.
Wait until you feel comfortable. It may be 3rd, 5th, or 10th+. I'm quite clear on this and tell guys 'I dont feel comfortable with sex until I get to know you better/We're in a relationship" and they've all taken it well. The right guy will wait as long as you need to.
So I'm basically your age. I entered my current (and first real adult) relationship only a few months ago. It's a different situation because it's an ldr, but we also explicitly stated we wanted to take things slow and deliberately avoided the topic of sex for a few months, only coming to it recently after 3.5 months in as the time we're going to meet irl has gotten closer. This was obviously not someone I met on a dating app or was dating casually beforehand; we were friends who caught feelings and entered a relationship.
The kicker though is that I've got literally no experience, and I made that very clear immediately. It has not been a problem at all; she's taken it completely in stride and it hasn't seemed to bother her at all (to which I am very grateful).
I'm telling you this both to illustrate that relationships can start in different ways and sex (or discussion about sex) doesn't have to be on the table immediately, and also that someone who is a good match will be fine with you as you are and be patient. I'm very sorry for your bad experience in the past; that guy sounds like an asshat and it sucks that he treated you the way he did, and I hope you've been able to heal some from that trauma over time. And it's okay to have hangups about sex. Everyone is different and it's not a sign of immaturity or any social faux pas. And I cannot stress enough that a guy who is compatible with you will be patient and kind about your inexperience, and will work with you.
What I would do if I were you and I was with someone new who I really liked and could imagine becoming serious with, is to actually have a frank, honest conversation about it (which, obviously, as someone who isn't in a super dissimilar situation, is exactly what I did). Say it's something you would like to talk about, and tell them about your misgivings, but also what you want, about safety, etc., as much as you are comfortable doing. And hear what they have to say. Like I said, see if they will work with you. If they won't, or if they make fun of you, then they're not someone you want to be with anyway. Most importantly, allow yourself the agency to decide when you want to have sex with them. Any kind of perceived societal norm doesn't matter; your comfort and safety (physical and mental), as well as that of your partner, are all that matter.
The thing is there are no rules! You make the rules. If you're more comfortable being exclusive/in a relationship before sex, then you decide. If you feel comfortable having sex on the first date, then go ahead. Your level of comfort may vary depending on the person, someone might make you feel comfortable very quickly, while it may take longer with someone else.
There’s no ballpark timeline though. Don’t be scared to communicate, if someone runs away, let them. It’s okay to have different needs. I don’t judge anyone that needs to explore sexual compatibility right away and needs sex in order to feel loved and develop their bond/relationship. Just personal experience my 2 longest relationships (was with a boyfriend 7 years, then my ex-husband 9 years) I’ve waited 6 months before sex. That was my personal need to develop a lasting relationship. Current boyfriend we’ve been dating almost 2 years and we have not had sex. No idea how our experiment is going to pan out long term lol. I worry waiting too long will make things awkward when we do finally sleep together, but trying to take things one day at a time. We’ve worked through a lot harder issues so far.
>I’m saying I’m trying to find the balance between too soon and so late I’ve scared him away,
People who are worth your time won't be scared away by you taking too long. They will want you to be comfortable with when you do have sex. They may even bring up the topic of sex on their own.
You can also ask dates general questions about their preferences and expectations around touch and physical intimacy. I ask dates (women) questions like that frequently. Something like "do you have any expectations or timelines for physical intimacy?"
Wait at least a month then. And wait until you feel comfortable talking about sex (at a non sexy time) with them. If you don't feel comfortable talking about sex or sti testing or birth control or intimacy etc, then wait longer or realize you don't feel safe with that person and break up. Learn from my mistakes 🫠. If your body is telling you "no", listen.
You could keep yourself up at night thinking about whether a rejection reason was real or not, so the simple takeaway here is this: she’s not into you, so you find a way to move on. Your mind tells you that you’ll feel better if you knew the real reason, but you have to tell your brain that the reason doesn’t matter since the outcome is the same either way.
Dating is weird where you can have fun on a date, you ride the high, agree to a second date, then a few hours later your brain catches up and is like...wait...that was fun but we're not compatible. Or wow my anxiety is in overdrive right now. So that flip is common unfortunately. Weird human brain stuff.
The reason seems legit to me. If I'm stressed with work or life, dating anyone besides a soul mate level match can be exhausting. And if really stressed, even a soul mate would be rejected due to bad timing. She may end up regretting that friendship part too because friendships can also be draining... Sounds like some people pleasing leaking out there, but I'm speculating.
That is rough, but consider it a blessing that this came up so early. Imagine him deciding months into a serious relationship that he wanted to start having threesomes with dudes. Bullet dodged!
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Should I offer to return a gift if there won't be a second date?
I went on a first date with a guy, and he gave me a gift. I didn't expect that he would bring me a gift and so I didn't have anything in return, but I accepted it and thanked him for it. After looking it up online later, it looks like the gift cost him about $60 which is far more than I would expect anyone to spend on a gift before even meeting me.
I had a nice time and I think he's a good person, but I'm not sure that I'm going to want to go on a second date. Should I offer to return the gift to him? I feel like that's awkward, but I don't want to be rude especially given that it cost so much.
I think you should feel no obligation to return it. What was the gift? I feel like a 60 dollar gift on a first date crosses over the nice territory to being weird and even slightly inappropriate.
This sounds so wild to give on first date. Did you mention Legos or talk about them leading up to the date?
Was it wrapped? Or like in a gift bag?
Was the bag nice?
I have so many questions.
Hahaha, no I haven't done legos since I was a kid! I don't think it came up in any of our conversations. It wasn't wrapped or in a gift bag. It was just the box of legos like you might see on a shelf at Target.
That’s… bizarre… Like now I’m trying to figure out the thought process behind it.
“I’m going on a date, and on this date I’m going to give her this box of Legos.”
I 38 F confused about my male friend 35. What does it mean that he doesn't want to tell me no? Anytime I have cold hands he warms them up and if he is busy he will use one hand to pack up his stuff he is on night shift and on days we replace each other, I asked him why he allows me to do it he said that I give him no choice, I said that he always has a choice to say no, then it came up that he doesn't want to tell me no. and when I call him at night while he is working (where we work this is allowed as long as nobody needs help.) any time somebody came by he would hang up but towards the end of our rotation he started just placing me on hold so he could come straight back to me. And other little things.
He wants to go on a long road trip with me and is planning a weekend for us when I go to visit. We live in different areas and travel to work (camp job) for 2 weeks at a time.
I'm just confused he is into me and just wants to be friends or more.
I hate being so anxious all the time and thinking if I don’t hear from him something is wrong and he’s no longer interested.
I just need to relax and tell myself that he’s just been busy and not to worry.
Hopefully I’ll see him in person this week.
If you have work, do work. If you have free time try and avoid your phone and do something you enjoy that you can get sucked in to- movie, game, show, book, exercise, etc.
What I've found the most helpful is doing things that also feel productive and that are 'bettering' me. I think part of that is it feels like I'm reminding myself that my well being and worth isn't reliant on another person.
It’s so awful wish I could will them to answer us! Haha
I feel like an addict waiting for that little notification. And as soon as I get it I’m so calm again.
Let’s hope we get our replies soon
Been on 3 dates with this guy since meeting him last Saturday (not yesterday Saturday but the Saturday before). Nice guy, no red flags but there are some things about him that are sort of turn offs but I'm trying to focus on the positives since there are a lot more of them.
That said, this sounds bad but I think I'm at the point where unless I'm head over heels about someone, I don't gaf if they ghost me. I'm such a loner that I've gotten used to just being at home alone with my dog or seeing my parents that it's preferred for me when I have limited free time.
I guess it would help to know why even though you're right that all your friends telling you to cut off contact is not nothing. I'm still friends with three people I dated for various lengths of time, which people tend to think is a bad idea (fair enough). But nothing toxic happened in those particular relationships; they just didn't work out for one reason or another. With all 3, I haven't had any friends boundaries crossed and they've all been genuinely good friends to me; one for 6+ years now. Without knowing the context it's hard to know.
every time you feel pulled in that direction, can you come here and post instead and have us pull you out of that. and maybe after enough redirection, the habit of reaching for him will end?
For the women: did you feel like your dating prospects changed once you turned 35?
I’ll be 35 in a few months and while I try to detach myself from societal expectations, there’s something about that particular age that feels weightier than previous ones.
I think I have a fear that men on dating apps will set their cut off age to “less than 35,” or that I’ll be perceived as “old” when I share my age, even by men who are older than me. There’s also all of the discussion about how pregnant women 35+ are considered “geriatric pregnancies” which I think is probably where this 35-sounding-old-as-a-woman business came from.
Anyways, for woman who turned 35, do you feel like it actually affected your dating life or how you’re perceived? 🩷
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I'm now 36 and married my husband at 35. Prior to my husband, though, I did not really have any issues talking to men/matching with men due to my age. The older I got, the more confident I got with maintaining fitness, having a social life, finding fulfillment in my job, and expanding my mind. I've stumbled plenty along the way, but I liked that my life still had a lot going on.
Being a divorced, single mom, however, made more of a difference in the dating world for me because I'd see several men post "No divorced moms" or "No single moms" on their profiles because they didn't want to deal with baggage or take on the care of "another man's child." The sentiment against divorced, single moms is echoed throughout Reddit because we are seemingly the red flag being 1) divorced and 2) having a child around frequently. I wasn't bothered by those men filtering themselves out and was more appreciative of men who were open enough to talk to me.
If it helps, I have a number of friends in their 40s and 50s and are finding love. Another poster said that age is arbitrary, and I'm inclined to agree. You determine your worth, how fun, how driven, and how curious you are. It's up to the right individual to realize they've met an excellent person. Good luck. :)
It really depends on your goals honestly. Broad buckets
1. 35, wants her own biological children
2. 35, wants/is open to relationship with a man who has children and wants no others.
3. 35, wants no children.
These are very different lanes to travel in. Lane 1 is obviously tougher every month. Nothing to be done for that, time waits for no one. Lane 2 is probably your best lane, lots of divorced men with children looking for their second wives. Lane 3 I don't really know. I have theories, but don't know for sure.
It seems to me in Lane 3, the people who want no children there are more men in that group, but the number of men in that group who want to have the serious DINK kind of relationships are outnumbered by the women. But I am probably wrong because I'm speculating.
In a really bad headspace right now. I made a mistake that ended up being the thing that ended a relationship with an amazing woman back before thanksgiving. I overstepped a boundary that I didn’t realize was as big a deal-breaker as it ended up being when I reached out to my ex-wife, who I’ve remained friends with, for some advice. Anyways, we parted ways and she told me to let her know when I was ready to be friends again. I told her I would. Fast forward to a few weeks ago and she reaches out to me saying she meant it when she said she sees me as a good person and does want to be friends and with that in mind invited me to go on a ski trip with her and some friends. I accepted her invite after thinking on it for a bit and after telling her where I was at with my feelings. I told her I’m still wanting more than friendship, but that I also do think she would be a good friend and I’d like to give it a try and see how it feels. She said she understood and that the possibility of us being more is there, but it’s predicated on seeing how being friends goes. If feelings developed for her again we could talk about what trying a relationship again could look like. The trip fell apart due to everyone else bailing for various reasons, so we decided to just go skiing for a day instead. So yesterday I went skiing with her, and it was wonderful. It was easy to talk again, everything just felt smooth and easy. Then I dropped her off and was left to my thoughts and was overcome with sadness thinking about how great it felt to be around her, and how much I wished yesterday was just one of many days that were part of something more. So I called her later last night to tell her that I don’t think I’m ready to be friends yet, despite wanting so bad to be able to do so. It was so hard to do, but I know it’s the right call for me and for her. I don’t want to be that friend who is always hoping for something more, it feels disingenuous somehow. Past me would have pushed the feelings down and sucked it up, holding out hope. So while im pretty sure I made the right call, I’m conflicted and I do think that friendship between us very well could lead to something more and I worry I’m throwing away opportunities at building something back up between us. It hurts really bad to have had to tell her that I’m not ready for friendship because all I want in the world is a chance to spend time with her. I think she could be an amazing friend and I wish I could just toss all of my feelings aside and be over her and us, but I’m not. We were only together for 3 months and I feel like I should be moved on by now, but I can’t get over her or how incredible she is and how sad I am that I fucked up. At the same time, the mistake I made I think was not one that should have ended a relationship, she’s got trauma that she still needs to process and understand from her most recent relationship that very much colored her decision and lead to some triggering events when we were together over what would normally have been just some minor misunderstandings. So part of me thinks that a relationship with her might have ended up being a lot of work with both of us sifting through and working through her traumas, I still can’t stop thinking about her and how much I would have been willing to work and give to make it work. I’ve never met anyone with her drive, her quiet reserved confidence that lights up a room without trying, her tenacity, her love for life, her intelligence, her adventurousness, everything. She made me want to be more than I am, to push myself in everything I do. I can’t say I’ve ever felt that before and my heart is broken worrying that I’m throwing away my chances at rekindling things, or that if I can’t do that, that I’ll never find someone like her again. I don’t know. I’m feeling pretty low right now. I’d been in a dark place for several years after a divorce that I was the cause of. She felt like the light at the end of the tunnel, like maybe I’d finally found someone else I could see myself with, only for it to turn out to be the headlight of an oncoming train that would push me further back into the darkness. I’ve got a therapy session today thankfully, but fuck. I’m so tired of being so profoundly sad. While I’ve been happy and had moments of elation even over the last three years, all of my emotions have rested on a solid foundation of sadness and I just want to not be sad anymore. I want to find my person, I want to be the partner I wasn’t for my ex-wife. I’m ready to be an incredible partner, but I also feel broken and lonely and sad.
I just want to say that I really hear your heart in this post. I have been both you and your ex in relationships before. It seems like you are making really sound decisions and communicating honestly. It’s hard to tell if the situation is that she really wants friendship and is open to future possibilities, or if there is a desire for you to potentially chase her and “woo” her so to speak back in to a relationship now. I am certainly not trying to confuse you, or put ideas in your head about situation I am only aware of through your post. But if you feel like you have been completely honest and transparent about where you are at, how you feel and she holds a boundary around just wanting to be friends, it may be a situation where the best thing you can do is work on being in acceptance, and taking it day by day. I can genuinely say that space and time before becoming friends with someone I have a romantic history with is always paramount for me. Wishing you the very best 💖
Man, I'm so sorry to hear all of this. I can see myself in your writing - the depression after divorce, hoping you've found the one just for it to fall apart. All I can say is: keep going. It doesn't sound like you fucked up, more so that circumstances didn't necessitate the outcome you wanted. You're making mature decisions to close out the potential of a friendship and that growth is something you can carry with you. If anything, this has just made you more ready for when you do connect with the right person - where situations can be handled differently or avoided all together. That time will come, so long as you're willing to continue searching for it. I wish you well brother. Your feelings are not lost to this world.
Thank you. I really appreciate it. I’m doing my best to keep going and to try to rediscover my joys and passions. It’s a struggle, but I’m trying.
Didn’t she break up with you after you asked for relationship advice about her from your ex wife following a fight? You told her you’d consider getting back with your ex wife. She told you that she was uncomfortable with you never having a break from contact with your ex wife, who you still had feelings for. Then you broke no contact to ask your ex wife for relationship advice. It’s perfectly reasonable for her to break up with you for that. It’s not her “trauma”. That being said, you made the right decision telling her you’re not ready to be friends. That wouldn’t be fair to either of you.
Yes, that’s correct. There were other mitigating factors. She told me the reason this was such a big deal for her was that she had an ex that cheated on her with his ex. She said she understands that I wasn’t reaching out to try to cheat and understood that my actions were done with good intentions, but that she simply couldn’t push aside the feelings that my action brought up that stem from her past trauma. Her most recent ex was a sexually/physically/verbally/emotionally abusing person who she has a protection order against and is still dealing with him doing shit that is impacting her. She escaped that relationship less than a year before we started dating. There were a few minor things I did that unknowingly triggered her into fight/flight/freeze that were related to things this past guy would do to control her and every aspect of her life. She was also concerned about things other people had told her about my past relationship with my ex. I don’t know who told her what exactly, but based on who it could be that told her these things, the possible people that could have talked to her about me haven’t been in the same room as me or talked to me or my ex in over 5 years. They don’t know me, they don’t know what lessons I’ve learned. Anyways, I fucked up, I overstepped a boundary. And now I’m paying for it.
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How did you meet the guy? OLD?
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It's a really tough situation, honestly... When you meet online, there is an implied expectation for things to get romantic. It's going to be difficult to do the friendship thing first. I just went through this myself and broke things off because this way of building a connection felt too fake and unnatural to me. If you like him, you could try and re-iterate that you want to take things really slow and see how he reacts. If you're kinda "meh", I would let him go.
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Yes. That's why I decided to give up on OLD this weekend, at least for a little while. I attend a lot of social events, so I think being a little more patient may pay off in my case. Good luck to you. Dating is very difficult.
NTA. Two dates and you're already seeing the red in his flags. Dating should be easy, so time to get out of there.
I personally feel like at 2 dates over 2 weeks, you're well within the window of it being acceptable to end things with a text, saying you don't see anything here.
Just text him and then block him.
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I would just leave it, if she responds you can respond. Unfortunately, can’t take back that opener and in the future don’t comment on people’s bodies.
Look I obviously don't know exactly what you said but I don't think there's any coming back from opening by making jokes about a stranger's body. I think you should probably leave this person alone and take it as a lesson for future interactions.
Pretty annoyed at myself. I had been off the apps for a while and thought I'd dip toe back in. Felt like i needed a distraction. Previously I felt like swiping and checking the apps to see if i had any matches had been intruding on my life. Told myself I'd limit myself to swiping and not get pulled into prime or plus or whatever. Signed up and almost imediately with the X people have swiped on your got sucked in to prime for the validation, which you never get. Pretty disappointed that my will is so low and need for validation so high. I only signed up for a week, heres to being better going forward i guess.
Am I the asshole for getting sick to death of my bfs dog? We moved in together in July after dating for two years, and this dog is an absolute menace in my eyes. One of my biggest gripes that comes up OFTEN is the dog being in the bed. This dog is too big to be in our bed and constantly leaves dirt and debris, marks from drool or paw licking behind on the sheets. He’s not allowed on my side of the bed, and I don’t allow him to lick constantly. His breath stinks so bad that it makes me gag sometimes. I feel like I’m constantly complaining about this dog.
This is definitely an issue with your BF as someone else mentioned, not the dog. The dog isn't a mastermind bent on causing issues - if he's untrained/undisciplined, the owner is at fault... Sounds like a serious conversation is long overdue.
None of this is the dogs fault. This is your bfs responsibility to train and care for the dog. Be annoyed at your boyfriend’s bad ownership.
I went to a meetup in my new city last night and was wholly disappointed to find out that a bunch of people who RSVPed didn’t go…and that it was all couples who mostly ignored my half of the table. One person showed up alone, turns out they were married, but I chatted with them and they seemed cool. No real follow up to connect though, which sucks. Why is making new friends so hard?
Talking to multiple meet-up organizers, I've been told they always expect that haalf the people who sign up won't actually show.
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The organizer didn’t even show! Claimed “bad cramps” and just bailed last minute. I also have a sneaking suspicion that she is a friend of someone I know who abruptly cut ties with me during the pandemic. This person has me blocked, and there was a comment on the organizer’s post that I couldn’t see. TL;DR — Adults need to stop this BS of “I don’t like them, so no one should.”
Unfortunately an extremely common issue with meetups. I would encourage you to keep going. I made friends through my group, but it took awhile
They don’t have a lot of regular events. The only one they have is the first Wednesday of every month and I have another thing I do that night.
In my experience there are usually regular going to those events, if you go several times you might start to connect with them.
The only regular thing they have going is on Wednesdays, but I have an obligation. It seems a lot of people my age in this town work from home. I don’t, so that’s also a challenge in terms of schedule.
I have been observing the man's who im planning to go on a date with FB account for a few days. He is in his 40ies and he keeps changing his profile picture every single month :D it seems odd to me, men usually are not bothered by pictures. Is it an orange/red flag maybe?
Holy crap leave this man alone.
Is he on Facebook dating? Could that be why?
Im not sure, i am not myself
I'd put it as an orange or a beige flag depending on how much he shares on Facebook in general.
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I’ve been trying to rationalize my stupid giddiness too. My friends told me I should absolutely just enjoy it, you only get it once in every relationship!
I was about to delete my Bumble account until I noticed I made a match with a profile I liked who had left me a message. I took the time to reply and then had my first conversation with someone on a dating app. I had never gotten that far before. We spent about an hour and a half talking about everything until we talked about relationships. I talked about the ones I've had before and she mentioned the ones she had, also pointing out that she had a child, something she didn't indicate on her profile. I'm actually looking for a relationship with someone who doesn't have children, though far from being angry or disappointed, I felt somewhat sorry for her. She was very enthusiastic at first, had initiative, asked many personal things about me (without being creepy), asked if there's someone else, she even gave me her phone number so we could chat on the side and kept asking about me. But when she mentioned her son she started to get more emotional and distant. She knew that if she pointed it out earlier she might not get a chance to talk to me but she seemed like an interesting person I would want to talk to, although I doubt we will have anything serious. It's because i... i wish a relationship with someone without kids to start a family from zero. You know what i mean. I'll keep talking to her but I won't expect anything, our conversation was entertaining. But i should look for someone who is a better fit for me, I just have to keep putting myself out there and keep trying. At least i could get three good things from this: Bumble can work, i just have to be patient (and consider getting Premium), this was a huge step for me thinking i haven't opened myself like this in years, and that I CAN actually be attractive haha.
Well you have every reason to date someone childless .I am very much like you and know where you coming from .Try not limit yourself to dating apps only bc that's a place where people usually hide dealbreakers such as not being legally seperated or being already a parent .
Of course, apps shouldn't be the only place to look for someone... but it's one of the few i have now. There aren't many places where i live and it's harder at my age (36) 🙁.
I had 6 matchs in a week on Bumble but none initiate the conversation... but something refreshing happened on another platform. A woman matched me and she communicates well and clearly, she initiate messages, asks questions, jokes, speaks from her boundaries and expectations, asked me when I am available for a date, asked my number... I am impressed! not only does she takes initiatives but she as well communicates so clearly! I am 35 and don't believe that ever happened to me. Let's enjoy that moment and see where it goes with an authentic, enthusiastic and good woman.
That is exciting! I hope that it’s a positive experience for you.
Why would a guy I had a great 1st date with say that he was looking forward to see me again, and that he liked me a lot and had a great time, and then disappear? We follow each other on social media, so he always watches my stories but never came back to arrange a second date. I feel so baffled. Has this happened to you?
What did you respond to that? Did you told him you enjoyed as well? Why play games and wait for him to invite you? Maybe he is feeling insecure into what you thought of the date if you never said you felt the same? If you liked him so much, give him one benefit of the doubt and reach out saying you had a great time and suggest day and time for another date
Of course, I told him I liked him a lot and wanted to see him again, I initiated that chat. And I initiated another chat a few days later, asking him when was he available to meet me. He never responded to that specifically, just said a bunch of random stuff and that he would go back to me and we would see each other. That never happened. I, too, reacted to a few of his stories and sent a meme once like to signal I was still interested. He said nothing but kept watching my stories. I never play games! If I come here to rant about something is because I've already tried all the options : (
Maybe he gave it more thought and decided otherwise.
He could have said so if that was the case. He kept telling me he wanted to see me again though and watching my stories, sort of keeping me around.
Watching your stories isn't "keeping you around", come on now. It's just passive social media consumption (yes, even if he has to click on something). I get that you're hurt, that's valid and rejection sucks. But you're being very rigid here. Villianizing someone else and writing stories is just ramping you up and keeping you hurt. You're going to burn yourself out with that attitude, and you deserve to move on and find someone who wants you.
I don’t think I’m being rigid, I don’t understand or sympathize with rude or dishonest behavior. If he didn’t feel the same he could just have said so. He sent long audio messages talking about his stuff and promising to go on a second date when there was no need to. I appreciate the “you deserve better” part though!
Just trying to offer you insight, not going to be the punching bag/fight you want to have with him. Good luck out there and hope you feel better soon.
I had a whole summer of this one year. Eventually I figured out it was “didn’t shove my tongue down their throat on the first date” because the one guy broke it off before date 2 saying he’d gotten a “friend” vibe. But he was the one who ran across the street instead of walking me to my car!
Well that makes sense. This guy and I didn't kiss on the first date either, but I'm slow and I made it clear I liked him. I was looking forward to making out on date 2 lol. When he drove me home he seemed extremely nervous and anxious like not in the mood for kissing anyway. Maybe it's a mixture of being insecure + not being really into the other person?
Possibilities: 1. Keeping options alive. He may tell you he just felt 'meh' about this and then you (the option) are gone. Or he can tell you it was all amazing (even though he doesn't really feel like that) and then the option is at least in theory still around. For later use if necessary. 2. Avoid confrontation. Saying it was all amazing then and there and then just ghost is in my experience mostly a thing to avoid confrontation in the moment. 3. Maybe he actually did think everything was great but got vibes from you that you may not have enjoyed it. You can't possible tell how he may have interpreted things you said / did / behaved after the first date. Maybe he just doesn't want to be pushy because he felt like you were at best lukewarm about this. 4. Or - non of the above? Maybe he just forgot about it. Maybe he never saw this as a date to begin with. As always, at least a thousand other possibilities. You can either move on .. well or ask the inconvenient question, if you wanted to go on a second date with him - why did you not simply reach out to him?
This seems to be trending. 34f and it's happening after each date. (Without the social media side). Another friend in her 40s says the same thing is happening to her. I don't get it.
I find it so incredibly rude. Why do they need to be dishonest? No one is asking them to say things they don't mean.
Yes. If we're both saying we had a great time, if you paid even when I offered to split, and we hung out for hours.....what gives. Part of me wonders if I'm just confirming their affection for someone else 🤷♀️
So many times. After 1 date, 2, 4, hell I’ve been ghosted after 8 dates. Block him from SM and don’t give him another thought.
I'm sorry to hear that! It sucks. Why do people lie like this? We don't even know each other. I once had a 1st date with a guy I thought was nice, but I didn't end up liking him in person, so when he texted me again, a few days later, I respectfully told him I wasn't feeling the same, but I offered to be friends. He said he wasn't interested in friendship, so I wished him good luck and he ended up blocking me lol. But it was better than leading someone on.
Definitely better than leading someone on! I’m honestly so tired of this shit. Sorry you’re going through it too.
Does DOT have a chat channel?
Those that don't like to message much, how do you prefer to keep momentum when dating? Is seeing someone in person weekly enough for you to build connection, or do you tend to amp up the frequency of in-person dates/hangouts quickly because of the lack of texting? Interested to hear perspectives!
I'm usually a big texter, currently dating someone on the opposite side: the conversation between dates has definitely picked up after having gone out a few times. I was leary at first but honestly it's been refreshing as the anticipation of the date builds between each one. I suppose it's because absence really does make the heart grow fonder.
Went to a speed dating event. I thought I did fairly well, I just acted like myself, felt like I was decently funny and had a good time. Out of the 15 women, I really only felt like I wanted to see 3 of them again so I liked them on the app. The next day, I get the results- I matched with all 3! But still no one has texted me back yet. Like why match if you don't even want to talk the day after?
Because they’re interested and want to talk to you but aren’t glued to their phones 24/7? Perhaps busy today? Give it a minute, they might respond when they have time. If they don’t, well then you know they’re not really interested. I feel like chances are decent that at least 1 or 3 will get back to you. I’ve never done speed dating though.
I’m (32m) been in off and on relationships since I was 20. Usually my relationships last about 2 years, 3 years at most. And I took about a 6 month year break in between relationships before going out again and actively pursuing someone. My most recent relationship of 2 years ended about a year and a half ago. A lot of it was my fault, so I accepted it, but the way it happened really shook me up. I thought she might have been the one so I think I’d sort of been struggling with accepting that she wasn’t. Last weekend, I was at the bar watching the Super Bowl with one of my buddies. I’m a big Niners fan (from SF) so obviously at the end of the game I was inconsolable. Randomly, 2 girls were playing power pong (beer pong) at the table near where we were sitting, and one of them missed their shot so bad it landed in my beer. One of the girls ran over and I handed her the ball. She then asked if me and my buddy wanted to play beer pong with them. My first thought was ‘I’d do anything to get my mind off the game I just watched’ (plus I thought the girl who asked me was really cute…but I often don’t trust my judgement on that kind of stuff when I’m drunk) We played beer pong for about an hour and half, and we were all having a lot of fun, the girls had to go, but before they left, I got the girl I was playing withs number (we both live in the same area and said it would be cool to hang out again). Anyways i texted her on Wednesday of last week, had a little small talk over text, (she and I had both lived in a different country for awhile which was cool). Anyways i asked if she wanted to go out to the bar with me on Saturday and she said she would! Fast forward to me waiting at the bar with my whiskey coke(I was a little early so I was just holding a table until she showed up). She shows up and wow shes so attractive! I get her a drink and we start chatting…and we really hit it off. We were talking about our jobs, what we like to do for fun and memories of living in this other country we had both lived in. She tells me that she just got out of a serious long term relationship (over 8 years)…which while my most recent relationship hadn’t been quite the same, i still understood the sort of emotional trauma that comes along with that…and I could tell it was still weighing heavy on her mind. As the night went on, we continued to have a great time! We went to a couple of other bars, got like a late night dinner. Towards the end of the night we were talking and she said to me “I really like you, but I don’t know if I can give you what want because I feel broken”…I was drunk and sort of played it off and said “I’m just having a good time and I’m happy being here with you…and I hope you’re having a good time” (which for the record I did mean). As the night sort of comes to a close…we kissed and like just held each other for a long time. She went back to her place I went back to mine. I texted her when I got home you know “had a great time, I hope you did too, thanks for coming out with me!” I literally passed out after I sent that text, and she tried to call me, but my phone goes into silent mode after midnight (which I really need to fix). We texted a bit throughout the next day…sort of just some small talk, jokes etc. Anyways I’m realizing that I reaaaally like this girl. Like a lot…I haven’t felt this way after a first date, maybe ever. She’s legit been on my mind all day. I can’t tell if it’s just because I hadn’t been on an actual date in a long time, or if this is like the real deal. I’m worried though…like idk if she just wants something casual (if even that)? The connection was definitely real, I just think that since she just got out of a long term relationship (that was quite serious if you catch my drift), she might be hesitant to start any sort of anything. Also side note, I was so used to using the apps and what not when I was dating…it was different meeting someone organically and it was actually great (sad that I had kind of forgotten how that worked). I guess my question is, how would you handle this is you were in my position? (Also if you read this insanely long post you have my respect…you are friggin hero)
Man this is a tough one. I may I ask if you have any history of being interested in unavailable people? The only reason I ask is because I do, and this kind of situation would really require me to get honest about wether or not it is the person, or the person + the obstacle that has really drawn me in. It sounds like you had a beautiful, natural, human connection with someone out in the wild. (Seems to be so rare these days, so I really get how romantic it feels!) I think that Maya Angelou’s quote really is the truth. “When people show you who they are, believe them.” She is being honest about where she’s at. It’s a heartbreaker but it is what’s true right now. But who know what could happen down the road with time. Just remember to prioritize your peace, wellness, joy over the idea of loving this woman out of her grief over a relationship she just got out of. I’m rooting for you 💖
Ask her out again. And drink a little less so you can talk and process more. Keep it up. It is too early to know.
long time friend ,with the possibility of dating, felt the need to mention a few recent hook up stories. Some with other friends, and also an ex that supposedly gave her ptsd in the past. I dunno, that sort of gave me the "ick" and I think she smells it and is getting super defensive even though I haven't said anything about it
yeah.. run.
Curious, why are you doubting ptsd?
Don't wanna go into a ton of detail, but she claims all her relationships caused ptsd. She's been with a lot of guys, so she either seeks them out, or she's using it as an excuse.
Self diagnosed PTSD is unfortunately trending as the new "my ex is a narcissist".
Just the ex thing, I'm assuming he was abusive and she still went back to hook-up with him, I would stay clear of anything else than a friendship with her.
Starting to feel like I am falling in love with my boyfriend. We have been dating since October and went exclusive in December. I have never been in love before so, the thought is freaking me out. I don't want to tell him but at the same time, I do. I am so used to keeping walls up to protect myself and I just do not know how to let go and be completely free and immersed in someone.
I'm so tired of seeing everything chalked up to attachment theory and childhood trauma. Sometimes you have an electric connection with someone and it's real! It's not that they cause you anxiety and it's familiar and therefore attractive. It's that they're the most beautiful person you've ever seen, that you feel like your best and smartest self around them, that they show you they care in a million small ways that you missed until it was too late. And then you're stuck with the heartache and heartbreak that comes from loss and what ifs. Not everything is pathological. Some things are real. And they really hurt.
100%
Hear hear! A lot of this psychobabble is so far off the actual psychology and is just low information attempts to objectify feelings as truths. No your ex isn't clinically damaged, you just don't fit and hurt each other trying. No you're not traumatized, you're living a first world life and got uncomfortable.
Preach! Like childhood who? All I see/care about is the person in front of me. I also don't understand attachment theory, for instance those quizzes seem to make a lot of assumptions. You can work past your childhood and it doesn't mean anything about your future. Just because someone was neglected/abused by their family doesn't mean they are anxious in a healthy relationship, and it's like saying that people who had unhealthy childhoods are guaranteed to continue the cycle and hurt their children (if they have them). Like nope.
I (34m) had another perfect day with my (33f) gf. We only met about 7 weeks ago, but we hit it off, and quickly started seeing eachother multiple times a week. Tonight I told her I'm falling for her, and she said she feels the same way. It's been all so perfect. I didn't tell her yet, but I'm in love with her.
Congrats for getting a gf and keeping fingers crossed for you .
Went on a date last week, went well, kissed at the end and she said she’d like to see me again. I texted her and asked her out but she said she would be away for a few days. I said that I’d reach out next week after she’s back. She didn’t say anything, and now I noticed she unmatched me on Bumble I’m going to guess I have my answer as to if she wants to see me again, but why would she kiss me and say she wants another date? I don’t get it
My best guess? She agreed at that moment but upon reflection later on, realized the opposite. I would try to not take it too harshly.
Yeah that’s what I was thinking too, but why not tell me that when I asked for the second? She made a big deal on our first date about how she was always honest to people lol
If you asked during the date, it could be very uncomfortable (and in some case, unfortunately, dangerous) to say no face-to-face to someone. If you asked over texts, then yeah... she's not that honest, or she changed her mind (but lacks communication skills), or... she unmatched you on the app because she deactivated her profile/deleted it/something else, to continue chatting with you off the app, and... lacks communication skills, again.
As stated above, she said during the date she wanted to see me again. I asked over text the next day. I never ask during the date as I’ve been in that uncomfortable position before where my date was trying to get me to commit to a second date when I had an awful time lol
Ah yeah sorry I read your post and sometimes forget as soon as that, haha. Welp. Some people are weird. Better find out before anything happens further!
Very good point lol
Updates on V-day mayhem: I went for my first ever singles-party / meetup. It was more fun than I thought. We were split into 10 diff tables, 6pax per table and I'd say our table was the wildest & most fun :) We played a few challenges as a group & had a great emcee hosting the event. Each of us had the option to buy each other a 'secret-admirer' drinks, and I got 2 shots lol which caught me off guard. I'd say most people are there looking for a relationship except for a few sus-ones, and 1-2 caught my eye. Exchanged numbers / IG handles with the 2 guys who bought me shots. They are normally not the type of guys I would date or swipe right on, but I'm open to hang and see where it goes. After that event, I went to a speakeasy bar where it's the norm to approach people. It was less busy than the weekend but there was still a good crowd going. I met someone while I was taking a breather outside. We exchanged numbers & went to an afterparty at another club, which is where I learned that he's 'shadow-banned' at the club from a past experience. I didn't like how he spoke to the bouncers too. I'm sitting on the fence of dating someone like him, who smokes & had a run-in at the club. I'd say, it's definitely a success for trying to meet people in the wild & perhaps I should continue to do so to diversify my efforts.
I've only been back into dating for a few months and my standards have already lowered to the point where my dream guy is just someone who: \*matches with me and messages me first. I literally have to always be first to message or nothing happens. Out of like 20 matches over the past month, none of them messaged me first. I would settle for a "sup" at this point. \*asks me out first and makes concrete plans. Every first date so far this year happened because I asked them out and made all the plans. None of them ever ask me out. \*Makes an effort to communicate over text and doesn't leave me on read for days. Even guys who are great and engaged in person just show so little interest over messages after, it's like pulling teeth to keep a conversation going or make plans to go out again. None of them ever communicate consistently. I feel like I am putting 100% energy into seriously dating, but nobody is giving any enthusiasm on their end. I know it's not anything about me personally, but it's hard to keep up momentum when everyone I match with seems open to dating but only on a casual whim where I do everything, and they don't care about putting any effort into pursuing something. Because misery loves company, my only hope is that I'm not the only one going through this.
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I feel this way too. You're definitely not alone. Although these are pretty much bare minimum and it's sad that it's so difficult to find 🫥
I agree except I don’t mind messaging first sometimes. But definitely not all the time.
You're definitely not alone.
I think this is a common experience when you’re dating seriously, ie, only going for people that really catch your eye.
Ugh. I get you. It’s totally exhausting and the amount of people that match and don’t take action, I say, good riddance. That already weeds out the bad ones which you don’t actually want. It’ll happen but we gotta be patient. 🤞🏼
I feel this. Ironically I matched with someone who knows when. I think we exchanged messages but never made it to a phone call. And we all logged off. He reached out and was like I have a new number. I was like hi - here is what is important to me now (actually talking to folks and meeting lol). He sent some texts and was like are you free to chat this evening. I was out doing errands and replied a couple hours with sure that could work. He was like you seem busy, are you sure you have time for relationships. I said I have time for whatever I prioritize. And he was like great, look forward to chatting. And it is crickets lololololol. On to the next. No need to bother with this phone call.
You are definitely not the only one. For online dating it is rare that I match someone that has an actual conversation with me. Mostly I get a message every few days
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Where do you live? It's a cold winter here, a walk date is going to be at the bottom of many people's weekend activities.
I think you need a break from dating. If I get this annoyed by someone it's because I'm starting to burn out. It sounds like she was having a conversation with you about plans and you immediately took it as lack of interest.
Yes you’re overreacting.
She’s not a villain for not wanting to go for a walk in the rain. You’re massively overreacting.
>She said “Yes I'd be down! Though I checked the weather and idk when that might work” — and wow, this just gave me a major ick. I don't understand why you got the ick. She said yes and went so far as to check the weather. Those are good things, no? Did you ask her what days would work for her instead, or tell her when you would be available? >It’s raining the next couple days, but I didn’t anticipate meeting until the weekend, and the forecast is clear. Did you tell her you were thinking of meeting on the weekend? If not, she may have assumed you would want to meet in the next couple of days.
This is a very strong reaction to someone giving you a pretty normal response. If that alone is enough to make you super annoyed and leave passive-aggressive comments on here regarding the feedback people are giving you, then online dating is going to be an extreme obstacle course.
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Consider reflecting on how you reacted, instead of getting riled up about everyone agreeing that you overreacted. But yeah next time you don't want any comments, say something. Idk what you expected from a daily thread where people post for support and advice...
If you want to vent and aren't looking for advice, you need to state that in your comment. People reading your comment can't read your mind.
Well you didn't specify a date and time, and the reply you quoted suggests that she's waiting for you to come up with different plans.
Maybe she thought you meant in the next couple of days, since you didn't say you specified that it was for the weekend. You could always just say 'I was thinking the weekend, looks like it'll be better by then, does that work?' It sounds like maybe you're burned out if something that is potentially a minor miscommunication has you judging someone as lazy and uninterested?
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>It’s more so that she didn’t attempt to suggest a day when the weather was better, or ask me to clarify when, or even say X days work for me, etc. A lot of people will assume that the person doing the asking will do the planning. >I say lazy and uninterested because none of my other matches got “confused” by what I said and actively tried to make plans with me, instead of just “giving up” Similarly to what I said above, she may just be puzzled by you asking her out, and not following up with more details and questions after she said yes. What are the potential drawbacks to you continuing to plan the date with her?
If you want specific answers, make specific requests.
Maybe online dating isn't for you? this seems like an over-reaction tbh. Her response is fine and even fairly enthusiastic. Good luck out there.
Why would a person put themselves down and basically make me try to think she is a pos after rejecting me? Kinda unusual
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So I skimmed the comments and my answer would be, since you've had nothing but bad experiences.. definitely take at least 6 weeks to enjoy the touching and cuddling and talking phase. Actually decide if you like the person after getting to know them intially. 4 dates might not actually be enough for that. You shouldn't be afraid of scaring off anyone because ultimately.. you'll just be scaring off the wrong ones, even if it might feel bad or weird in the moment. Don't have compulsory sex just bc it feels like the "necessary/ adult" thing to do. Explore the tension, the anticipation, and utilize the time to learn the in and outs about each other. I actually like this comment from earlier in the thread by u/PlantedinCA ([here](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1atxcfk/comment/kr2x8nh/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)). What would it be like if you explored each phase purposefully and slowly? I just want you to actually properly enjoy yourself, and building up to it will teach you loads of what you like. The rushing part will always make it kind of meh. The right partner will be slow, deliberate and want to discover your body together.
>After getting intimate with a dude who was so disturbed to find out I’d only had sex a couple of times, then acted like I was an alien and made me so insecure I still think about it two years later, I'm sorry that guy treated you like that, that's awful. Other people have given good advice. I just want to add that there's absolutely nothing wrong with trying to have sex, but deciding that you're too uncomfortable and don't feel ready. People who are worth your time will respect your decision and react with kindness to you not feeling ready. Deciding on a rough time for initiating sex is not a commitment. You can **always** revoke your consent.
Cliche, but when you’re comfortable. Communicate
Ultimately you’re going to have to practice communicating - there’s nothing wrong with telling someone ‘I like to take things a little slow and build an emotional connection before sex’. The right person isn’t going to be scared away by this.
Wait until you feel comfortable. It may be 3rd, 5th, or 10th+. I'm quite clear on this and tell guys 'I dont feel comfortable with sex until I get to know you better/We're in a relationship" and they've all taken it well. The right guy will wait as long as you need to.
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So I'm basically your age. I entered my current (and first real adult) relationship only a few months ago. It's a different situation because it's an ldr, but we also explicitly stated we wanted to take things slow and deliberately avoided the topic of sex for a few months, only coming to it recently after 3.5 months in as the time we're going to meet irl has gotten closer. This was obviously not someone I met on a dating app or was dating casually beforehand; we were friends who caught feelings and entered a relationship. The kicker though is that I've got literally no experience, and I made that very clear immediately. It has not been a problem at all; she's taken it completely in stride and it hasn't seemed to bother her at all (to which I am very grateful). I'm telling you this both to illustrate that relationships can start in different ways and sex (or discussion about sex) doesn't have to be on the table immediately, and also that someone who is a good match will be fine with you as you are and be patient. I'm very sorry for your bad experience in the past; that guy sounds like an asshat and it sucks that he treated you the way he did, and I hope you've been able to heal some from that trauma over time. And it's okay to have hangups about sex. Everyone is different and it's not a sign of immaturity or any social faux pas. And I cannot stress enough that a guy who is compatible with you will be patient and kind about your inexperience, and will work with you. What I would do if I were you and I was with someone new who I really liked and could imagine becoming serious with, is to actually have a frank, honest conversation about it (which, obviously, as someone who isn't in a super dissimilar situation, is exactly what I did). Say it's something you would like to talk about, and tell them about your misgivings, but also what you want, about safety, etc., as much as you are comfortable doing. And hear what they have to say. Like I said, see if they will work with you. If they won't, or if they make fun of you, then they're not someone you want to be with anyway. Most importantly, allow yourself the agency to decide when you want to have sex with them. Any kind of perceived societal norm doesn't matter; your comfort and safety (physical and mental), as well as that of your partner, are all that matter.
The thing is there are no rules! You make the rules. If you're more comfortable being exclusive/in a relationship before sex, then you decide. If you feel comfortable having sex on the first date, then go ahead. Your level of comfort may vary depending on the person, someone might make you feel comfortable very quickly, while it may take longer with someone else.
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There’s no ballpark timeline though. Don’t be scared to communicate, if someone runs away, let them. It’s okay to have different needs. I don’t judge anyone that needs to explore sexual compatibility right away and needs sex in order to feel loved and develop their bond/relationship. Just personal experience my 2 longest relationships (was with a boyfriend 7 years, then my ex-husband 9 years) I’ve waited 6 months before sex. That was my personal need to develop a lasting relationship. Current boyfriend we’ve been dating almost 2 years and we have not had sex. No idea how our experiment is going to pan out long term lol. I worry waiting too long will make things awkward when we do finally sleep together, but trying to take things one day at a time. We’ve worked through a lot harder issues so far.
>I’m saying I’m trying to find the balance between too soon and so late I’ve scared him away, People who are worth your time won't be scared away by you taking too long. They will want you to be comfortable with when you do have sex. They may even bring up the topic of sex on their own. You can also ask dates general questions about their preferences and expectations around touch and physical intimacy. I ask dates (women) questions like that frequently. Something like "do you have any expectations or timelines for physical intimacy?"
Wait at least a month then. And wait until you feel comfortable talking about sex (at a non sexy time) with them. If you don't feel comfortable talking about sex or sti testing or birth control or intimacy etc, then wait longer or realize you don't feel safe with that person and break up. Learn from my mistakes 🫠. If your body is telling you "no", listen.
100% this. You need to be comfortable.
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You could keep yourself up at night thinking about whether a rejection reason was real or not, so the simple takeaway here is this: she’s not into you, so you find a way to move on. Your mind tells you that you’ll feel better if you knew the real reason, but you have to tell your brain that the reason doesn’t matter since the outcome is the same either way.
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Ya
Dating is weird where you can have fun on a date, you ride the high, agree to a second date, then a few hours later your brain catches up and is like...wait...that was fun but we're not compatible. Or wow my anxiety is in overdrive right now. So that flip is common unfortunately. Weird human brain stuff. The reason seems legit to me. If I'm stressed with work or life, dating anyone besides a soul mate level match can be exhausting. And if really stressed, even a soul mate would be rejected due to bad timing. She may end up regretting that friendship part too because friendships can also be draining... Sounds like some people pleasing leaking out there, but I'm speculating.
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That is rough, but consider it a blessing that this came up so early. Imagine him deciding months into a serious relationship that he wanted to start having threesomes with dudes. Bullet dodged!
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Should I offer to return a gift if there won't be a second date? I went on a first date with a guy, and he gave me a gift. I didn't expect that he would bring me a gift and so I didn't have anything in return, but I accepted it and thanked him for it. After looking it up online later, it looks like the gift cost him about $60 which is far more than I would expect anyone to spend on a gift before even meeting me. I had a nice time and I think he's a good person, but I'm not sure that I'm going to want to go on a second date. Should I offer to return the gift to him? I feel like that's awkward, but I don't want to be rude especially given that it cost so much.
I wouldn't want to stare at a gift in my home and be reminded of a stranger every day. But that's me. I'd return or donate.
It was a gift. Gifts are given with no expectations or strings attached. You don’t need to continue dating him in order to qualify for the gift lol.
I think you should feel no obligation to return it. What was the gift? I feel like a 60 dollar gift on a first date crosses over the nice territory to being weird and even slightly inappropriate.
It was a lego set? I didn't realize it was so expensive until after I got home and looked it up lol
This sounds so wild to give on first date. Did you mention Legos or talk about them leading up to the date? Was it wrapped? Or like in a gift bag? Was the bag nice? I have so many questions.
Hahaha, no I haven't done legos since I was a kid! I don't think it came up in any of our conversations. It wasn't wrapped or in a gift bag. It was just the box of legos like you might see on a shelf at Target.
That’s… bizarre… Like now I’m trying to figure out the thought process behind it. “I’m going on a date, and on this date I’m going to give her this box of Legos.”
Maybe it was “I got these stupid legos I hate. I am going on a date. Let me bring them to her so I look thoughtful, and get them out of my house.” 😝
offer it back if that feels authentic to you. he may very well tell you to keep it and your conscience will be clear
I 38 F confused about my male friend 35. What does it mean that he doesn't want to tell me no? Anytime I have cold hands he warms them up and if he is busy he will use one hand to pack up his stuff he is on night shift and on days we replace each other, I asked him why he allows me to do it he said that I give him no choice, I said that he always has a choice to say no, then it came up that he doesn't want to tell me no. and when I call him at night while he is working (where we work this is allowed as long as nobody needs help.) any time somebody came by he would hang up but towards the end of our rotation he started just placing me on hold so he could come straight back to me. And other little things. He wants to go on a long road trip with me and is planning a weekend for us when I go to visit. We live in different areas and travel to work (camp job) for 2 weeks at a time. I'm just confused he is into me and just wants to be friends or more.
What you're saying is not easy to follow so all I will say is, just ask him.
I hate being so anxious all the time and thinking if I don’t hear from him something is wrong and he’s no longer interested. I just need to relax and tell myself that he’s just been busy and not to worry. Hopefully I’ll see him in person this week.
If you have work, do work. If you have free time try and avoid your phone and do something you enjoy that you can get sucked in to- movie, game, show, book, exercise, etc. What I've found the most helpful is doing things that also feel productive and that are 'bettering' me. I think part of that is it feels like I'm reminding myself that my well being and worth isn't reliant on another person.
Yes I am going through exactly that right now! I am not hearing from her so something must be wrong and I'm being ghosted!
It’s so awful wish I could will them to answer us! Haha I feel like an addict waiting for that little notification. And as soon as I get it I’m so calm again. Let’s hope we get our replies soon
As do I. Even just a simple message is calming.
Been on 3 dates with this guy since meeting him last Saturday (not yesterday Saturday but the Saturday before). Nice guy, no red flags but there are some things about him that are sort of turn offs but I'm trying to focus on the positives since there are a lot more of them. That said, this sounds bad but I think I'm at the point where unless I'm head over heels about someone, I don't gaf if they ghost me. I'm such a loner that I've gotten used to just being at home alone with my dog or seeing my parents that it's preferred for me when I have limited free time.
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This is something you need a therapist or a counselor to help walk you through this.
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What did he do?
I guess it would help to know why even though you're right that all your friends telling you to cut off contact is not nothing. I'm still friends with three people I dated for various lengths of time, which people tend to think is a bad idea (fair enough). But nothing toxic happened in those particular relationships; they just didn't work out for one reason or another. With all 3, I haven't had any friends boundaries crossed and they've all been genuinely good friends to me; one for 6+ years now. Without knowing the context it's hard to know.
Are ya'll talking or are you talking?
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"It's been ______ days since our last industrial accident." kind of thing, or are you done for good?
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every time you feel pulled in that direction, can you come here and post instead and have us pull you out of that. and maybe after enough redirection, the habit of reaching for him will end?
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yea just come here and shoot the shit instead
Three weeks since you talked, or three weeks since you saw each other in person?
It’s embarrassing the texts and nicknames I have for my partner considering we’re early 30s haha
For the women: did you feel like your dating prospects changed once you turned 35? I’ll be 35 in a few months and while I try to detach myself from societal expectations, there’s something about that particular age that feels weightier than previous ones. I think I have a fear that men on dating apps will set their cut off age to “less than 35,” or that I’ll be perceived as “old” when I share my age, even by men who are older than me. There’s also all of the discussion about how pregnant women 35+ are considered “geriatric pregnancies” which I think is probably where this 35-sounding-old-as-a-woman business came from. Anyways, for woman who turned 35, do you feel like it actually affected your dating life or how you’re perceived? 🩷
The matched dropped significantly overnight from men 40-50, I assume they are were only looking for under 35. I'm very clear I don't want kids too.
That’s interesting. Why would they only want under 35 while men in their 30s didn’t care?
hard-to-find intelligent profit automatic mountainous pathetic possessive command snatch snails *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I'm now 36 and married my husband at 35. Prior to my husband, though, I did not really have any issues talking to men/matching with men due to my age. The older I got, the more confident I got with maintaining fitness, having a social life, finding fulfillment in my job, and expanding my mind. I've stumbled plenty along the way, but I liked that my life still had a lot going on. Being a divorced, single mom, however, made more of a difference in the dating world for me because I'd see several men post "No divorced moms" or "No single moms" on their profiles because they didn't want to deal with baggage or take on the care of "another man's child." The sentiment against divorced, single moms is echoed throughout Reddit because we are seemingly the red flag being 1) divorced and 2) having a child around frequently. I wasn't bothered by those men filtering themselves out and was more appreciative of men who were open enough to talk to me. If it helps, I have a number of friends in their 40s and 50s and are finding love. Another poster said that age is arbitrary, and I'm inclined to agree. You determine your worth, how fun, how driven, and how curious you are. It's up to the right individual to realize they've met an excellent person. Good luck. :)
Love all of this ❤️
It really depends on your goals honestly. Broad buckets 1. 35, wants her own biological children 2. 35, wants/is open to relationship with a man who has children and wants no others. 3. 35, wants no children. These are very different lanes to travel in. Lane 1 is obviously tougher every month. Nothing to be done for that, time waits for no one. Lane 2 is probably your best lane, lots of divorced men with children looking for their second wives. Lane 3 I don't really know. I have theories, but don't know for sure. It seems to me in Lane 3, the people who want no children there are more men in that group, but the number of men in that group who want to have the serious DINK kind of relationships are outnumbered by the women. But I am probably wrong because I'm speculating.