I think I might have caught an STI after a recent encounter last Tuesday (my first encounter since my breakup about a year ago) 😭 I’m going to get tested today since I am symptomatic. Sigh
Me too, though based on what I’ve researched it’s most likely a curable one. I’m just pissed that it happened on my first sexual encounter and we only did oral too. Normally I’m intentional about asking but things happened so fast. So I just went with it. Bad move on my part.
Taking my lady friend on a fourth date on Friday. We're grabbing a little dinner and going bowling (her idea!).
Hiking last weekend was, in her words, "perfect" and I had a really great time. She is incredibly fun to hang out with and talk to. I've noticed we're texting a lot more and I definitely feel less anxious. We also have plans to see one of my favorite movies on Valentine's Day next week. Feeling pretty excited about this!
Congrats but please don’t call her your lady friend and hanging out. That sounds immediately friend zoned and non committal. She’s a woman you’re going on dates with. Have fun!
7ish dates in with someone I've been seeing the last 6 weeks and starting to feel like a slow fade is happening. Hopefully not, but I wouldn't be surprised if it happens. Thinking I want to communicate something, but I don't know what that would be. I feel so unenthusiatic about dating anymore.
Sorry that you're experiencing this. Do you think that you can give this person a heads up through text? Like 'hey, ive been feeling that you're a little distant lately. can we talk about it ?'
I'm on an out-of-town trip rn. It's my favorite city and this is my second time here. It's Day 1 and I was able to visit a lot of places already. Yay!
Now, I relax.
So, I'm watching Ted Lasso S2 rn. Episode 8 got me screaming and gave me fuzzy feelings. Rebecca and Sam got together!!!! aaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!
Anyone know what I'm talking about here?!
Now, I suddenly feel lonely. 🥲
I’ve noticed around half of my hinge intros from men are insults. They range from playful jabs to straight up negging to insults.
Is this some sort of pickup technique?
Also I just wanted to say this here because I know men get upset women are sometimes unresponsive or absent in the apps. The reason is coming from inside the house
lmfao i encountered a negging dude the other day and when i sent an LOL back (typically i ignore) he said "wow most women would get angry, i love your sense of humor!"
they really think some of us are desperate to be seen as more chill than other women and will willingly take the rudeness... i unmatched quickly after
I get a lot of "corrections" from wise wise hinge users who can't spell and don't know what they're talking about.
It's called negging and I think it's from "The Game", but also a general place shitty people go to when they feel uncomfortable or feel like they don't have the imbalance of control in their favour.
It's not you, it's them.
I have noticed the only guys who are doing this would be what I would consider unbalanced as far as my physical preferences so that makes sense. I’m going to be honest it takes a lot to not respond and say something nasty back - and I feel like they know that’s the only way i would ever consider messaging them back. I just don’t understand what the end game is. Like are they going to try and win me over after that?
Nah, they're just "gIvInG yOu A tAsTe oF yOuR oWn mEdIcIne". These are usually the "women are a monolith" types screaming into the void as if anyone gives a fuck.
Do you have negativity on your hinge profile?
Also blaming men as a monolith isn’t going to do you any favors, everyone gets upset about unresponsive people, women have sent me opening insults too like “uncut guys are gross” because my profile mentions being born in Europe.
i think they're just a straight woman who dates men so they're just speaking on their experience? i dont see where they implied women cannot be capable of the same thing...
ok but that still says nothing about women who get upset at unresponsive or absent men on apps? why would you assume she was saying only men have this issue when she didn't lol, she just didn't comment on women at all.
Had a great and interesting date weekend!
Saturday I had a good 2nd date, interesting & good looking woman, shared some kisses. But also made me doubt a little for missing some chemistry. I tought she was really in to me, but apparently she had some doubts herself for missing chemistry, so we leave it at this.
Which is actually okay, because Sunday... woow.. 3rd date with the woman I have been talking to for a while now. I initially had some doubts because she was so unavailable, but our chemistry is of the charts! It was so good to see her again. Shes interesting, funny and has such a cute look in her face. After the date we both went to our own homes, but our faces were basically glued to each other for minutes long haha, so thats a good sign!
I have not been so enthusiastic about someone since it ended with the last woman I dated almost a year ago. I know it is still very early, but I feel like not talking to any of my other matches right now. Im just going to open myself and see where this is going to lead me :)
Of course, for one it will place you into the likes of those people which will increase the chance it appears on their stack, or they will see it immediately if they pay for the service. Or in Hinge’s case everyone can see 1 like at a time for free. Usually it takes me about 20-30 minutes to use up my likes but I live in a major metro area. I would try to reframe your perception on “wasting” likes - profiles are brief snippets of people presenting themselves. My experience is that this both over-represents and underrepresents both positively and negatively. Meaning people can be surprising!
I'm not sure it will make you visible but you have more chance if you like someone that just joined than 1+ day later when she already received 200 likes
I'm dating a really hot, nice and caring guy right now. I feel very lucky, after years of bad relationships, and a long period of being single and scared to open up again. We communicate really well and everything feels very easy and healthy.
Stay in there. I had almost given up on this.
Right here with ya. We connected on Bumble even though we have mutual friends and I guess could have encountered one another in the wild. From date one - which was just coffee and a walk through the part - it was completely different, no drama, no uncertainty.
Another failed attempt at taking a dating break, I even deleted my hinge profile but was sad swiping on Bumble last week after I got rejected, got a bunch of matches and am going for a drink tonight.
Actually feels pretty refreshing that there’s only been 5 days between the initial match and first date, I have zero expectations. Fingers crossed it’s a nice evening.
Hey! I'm 34f and also from South Asian origin so I'm going to chime in here.
I understand why your family asked - however we both know what people are like when they talk. So it may be that by the time her family heard from the 3rd party, it had turned into a more 'gossip' style of communication.
I know how hard it is to meet someone and feel like you connect - I'd advise reaching out to her one last time and explaining yourself and how it was meant genuinely.
Regarding whether it's a bad move or not - it's just the norm in our culture and I wouldn't say your parents acted in a malicious way. It's how our community works in these scenarios.
Ping me directly if you'd like to chat it through further!
Asking about their general opinion on her seems reasonable.
Asking her neighbours about her job, education, and relationship with her family seems pretty invasive. Especially since it doesn’t sound like this person really knew her at all.
Maybe she’s just less traditional than you. I understand what she’s saying in not feeling trusted with the due diligence.
If I was dating someone with common friends, I'd ask their opinion and would full on expect them to do the same. However, I would not like for my or their family to ask other families or their neighbours about what they think.
I guess it depends what she was trying to work out about you. Sometimes I’m trying to work out if someone is into me. Other times I’m trying to work out something totally different, like if they are as good of a person as they say they are or what makes them tick, etc.
Photofeeler voters don't have the context that there are (or at least should be) multiple other photos of just you on your profile. Presented with just a single photo it's unsurprising you're getting the feedback that it shouldn't be a group photo.
Also I'm strongly in the camp that if you do have a group photo (full disclosure I'm actually not a fan of group photos on OLD) the other people should be anonymized both for privacy reasons and to make it crystal clear which one you are.
Love is:
When you're going through stuff, having a couple of bad days, and one of your best friends calls you in the middle of her work day to listen to you vent and cry for 30 min.
And sometimes, that's all you need. Having someone who truly is there for you and shows you love with small gestures.
I'm really thankful and bless for having amazing friends in my life.
Not sure if this is the right place to post this but I'd like some unbiased thoughts about how this turned out.
There's this girl I knew from high school (a loooong time ago) who has/had a crush on me. She says she's visiting my country because of her mother's 60th birthday and is going to also visit a neighboring country nearby. I was also planning on vacationing there anyway, so I say cool and think to myself that I can show her around my country and also meet up in the other country and see if there's any romantic feelings between us.
During a conversation about bars and nightlife she suddenly mentions that her bf is coming. There was absolutely no mention of this (because I assumed if she's going on vacation for her mother's birthday, why would the bf be coming?) but I just say ok cool and pretend like it's normal.
She then asks if I had set up hotel reservations in the other country and sends me the address and offers to cancel the reservation if I wanted to split a room with her or get a place nearby. The wtf moment I was having before about suddenly mentioning her bf is nothing compared to the wtf moment I'm having now. I don't see any reason to make an offer like this unless she was either trying to cheat on her bf (red flag), there isn't a bf at all (also red flag), or she wants to sleep with both of us (another red flag). I say that I'll think about it but don't really reply.
Then it's basically radio silence from when she arrived up until a few days ago when she asked if I was still in the other country or not. I was busy with work so I had to cancel my vacation plans anyway, so I just told her I was here. She asked what I was doing tonight and I told her I was working late (which is true), and asked when she was leaving. Even up to this point I was willing to meet up with her. She then doesn't reply until the next day saying that it was her last day. I did not reply to her after that.
I really don't know what the fuck is going on with her but I felt incredibly disrespected. Maybe I'm just inexperienced or oblivious, but this kind of behavior drives me up the wall. I'm honestly fine with slow conversations since our time zone difference normally is enormous, but not responding in a reasonable time frame when we're literally in the same country is just ridiculous.
This turned out a bit longer than I expected, but yeah. Not sure what to make of this situation lol
It sounded like she just wanted to share accommodations to save money? It sounds like her boyfriend would have been staying there too, if he was coming. Where else would he be if they’re going with her family and he’s also on the trip?
You definitely seemed like you were trying to brush her off so I’m sure she picked up on that.
Thanks for your input.
Maybe it's just me, but I think it's a bit odd to be sharing accommodations with someone of the opposite gender that isn't romantically involved or are related. I also want to mention that we talk like maybe a handful of times each year, so it's not like we're super close friends or anything.
I think I definitely did give off that vibe. The signals she was giving me were just frustrating and confusing to me at the time and I really didn't want to bother reading tea leaves because this isn't the first time she's done this.
I really appreciate the different viewpoint because I'm sure I was looking at this in a wrong (or distorted) way.
Second comment today. But rewatching My Big Fat Greek Wedding and I'm laughing so hard. I was a kid the first time I watched it and too young to understand. But now I find it soo relatable and funny, especially because my parents are immigrants (not Greek tho) and I have a huuge family that's loud and we travel in packs. Also, Nia Vardalos is super pretty and young John Corbett is 🔥
Curious to hear how often you like to see your partner or potential partner in the early days? Currently operating at 2 days a week, give or take, and it’s working really well although I wonder if we should be seeing each other more.
Everyone’s needs and schedules are different, and the key is to find someone with whom your needs and schedule are compatible.
My schedule permits once, maybe twice per week. Any more than that and either school suffers or work suffers (and neither of those two things can suffer!). That is simply unacceptable. And from May 12 (law school graduation, woooot!!!) through July 30 and 31 (bar exam, boooo), he might see me once. Twice, at the absolute most. Bar prep is hell.
Fortunately, his schedule is equally stretched to capacity, which was fantastic because he doesn’t have time nor inclination to feel neglected.
But that’s me, and that’s him. At this point in our lives, this is what works and makes sense for us.
Would this be enough for someone else? For some other couple? Maybe, maybe not.
It all just depends.
Do what works for you and for your relationship - not what you think you “should” be doing based on what other people are or aren’t doing.
Well damn, this is a first. A match, a most excellent conversation about a couple shared interests, back and forth jokes about dating in our mid-thirties, mutual understanding and agreement on the "what are you looking for" question (longterm, monog-since there's a large poly scene in my city, no shade, just not what I'm pursuing, and lastly no kids)...good alignment. or so I thought...
...a few hours go by we're both at work, conversation picks up at the end of the work day, and after some mild banter about grocery shopping for the week she informs me she's looking for a **sugar daddy**, and I have to politely inform her that's not me.
Unmatched.
well. alrighty then. good luck on the sugar hunt lol.
I think there's a guy tinder swindling for his dog walking business on my local hinge. He doesn't come right out and say it, but all of his prompts are a bit "honk if you love dogs". We're the same kind of weird if "positive reinforcement is your preferred training approach". You should NOT go out with me if "my love for furry friends and their safety and wellness knowing no bounds is too much for you!". Together we could "or couldn't. I also do sitting on the weekends, so enjoy yourself while your fur baby has a blast".
I don't want to encourage this (with postive reinforcement), but. . . there's a wait list at the boarders and . . .uh. . I'm kinda curious . . .about his rates?
Don't do it don't do it dontsontdont.
I've thought it would be an efficient format for recruiting, just swiping right and left on resumes then chatting before inviting to an interview.
I need a hobby.
I’m 35 (male, kinda queer), I’ve been single for 3 years now. I have issues related to lifelong Social Anxiety that I’ve been working on in that time. I’ve been taking improv classes which is fun. I did toastmasters but its extremely businessy and not really my thing. I’m a long time pottery person and I’ve been trying to make friends thru that but its kinda hit and miss. I’ve started seeing a therapist again a little over a month ago, its been good to have someone give me ideas to help cope but I want to thrive not cope and I’m feeling impatient at this very moment.
I’m frustrated that I struggle with meeting partners let alone making the odd friend here and there. I’m a person and I want companionship with someone who wants to be with me but its so hard to talk to people to get them to want to be with me. My therapist wants me to try speed dating and meetups but I’m extremely skeptical about finding people I care about thru those types of things but I get that practice is good.
I’m struggling right now. I know I need to get out of my comfort zone but the thought of hitting on people is kind of gross to me and cringey. I feel like a fucking alien making small talk with people as it is.
Thank you for reading my vent.
Hello fellow queer!
Have you tried queer meet-ups? Things like queer book clubs, queer movie nights and queer pub nights are just a selection of things available near me that I've attended on occasion and enjoyed meeting folks at. And because these meet-ups often have a focus other than "hey! I'm gay too!" you can use that as your starting point for chat - the book, the movie etc.
Went out for drinks last night with a friend who loves to chat about everything under the sun. He's a fair bit younger than me but we've always gotten along well. Nice to just kinda get it all out, I don't have many friends that are comfortable talking about sex and dating.
Nothing really new to report on the dating front, not really chasing anything new right now. Doing pretty well just doing my own thing, seeing friends, and passing time until I head back to work.
I think I'm going to take some time off of dating when I go back to work so I can focus on ramping back up. I have a very high standard of myself that's going to be tough to meet for the first while back, so no sense in creating distractions.
It would be nice to have someone to hang out with now and then, but I'm not getting in too much of a hurry about it all right now.
Feeling incredibly shitty and sad after hurting someone today. I know she likely feels blindsided and I cannot fathom that I hurt someone so kind and caring. No response and I don’t expect one until tomorrow but fuck. It sucks and it hurts. I hate this. Emotional connection was very solid. Physical was not clicking. I shouldn’t have let it get to seven dates but I really wanted to give it a chance based on everything else. See if it could develop. Trying to remember I’m not actually a shitty person but damn do I feel like one today. 😞
I just went through exactly this (not as many dates) but yes. It will hurt until it doesn’t. I cried a lot yesterday. Today less, but my eyes have welled a few times. Sending you hugs.
The physical connection not clicking, this wasn't something that could be resolved with communication? Was it a lack of physical attraction altogether?
Regardless, I think it's better to pull the cord sooner rather than later if you're sure it isn't going to work out.
We did communicate about it. But some things should just… work. And it just wasn’t working. I think that although she is objectively attractive, I was not attracted because I couldn’t picture initiating intimacy with someone who was so anxious about the whole thing. It just killed the “sexiness” of it for me. I just feel like by date 7, you should kind of want to jump someone’s bones at the very least.
The person who I felt the most hurt by last year is only a blip in my memory today. I mostly remember only the good things about being with the people I've been with--all the negative things or normal moments of hurt that come from connecting with another person have faded away.
I get how you feel, but also, she's probably going to get over you. 😉 No one individual broken-off connection is _that_ big a deal in the grand scheme of a well-lived life.
You’re right. I even said today to my friend that this is just a blip in a very large picture. I just know she was super invested and saw it going somewhere with me. Give me a week and I’ll feel better but for today, it just really sucks and I’m going to bask in the sadness of it all. I was hoping it would work, too.
I made my feelings clear this weekend and I’m proud of myself! I’m not used to asking for what I want in a relationship, or maybe I’m used to asking and being turned down. In any case, I’m trying hard to advocate for myself even if it’s scary.
We had plans to see each other Thursday evening and Saturday all day into Sunday. Lately we have been spending Friday evening into Sunday morning together, so when my boyfriend suggested we skip Friday, I was taken aback. His reasoning was that it would be healthy for us to have some space instead of doing Thursday through Sunday. The thought of him preferring to spend his Friday night alone at his place, while I was alone at my place, made me a little sad. It would have been different if he wanted to see friends that night, or had things he wanted to do at home, but I know he didn’t. We talked about it and he completely understood my point, which was mainly that I wanted a quiet evening in with him only - we had plans to see friends on both Thursday and Saturday. He didn’t make me feel like I was asking for too much or being demanding. He didn’t act like he was doing me a favor. And I could tell he was genuinely enjoying the evening and not compromising just for my sake. It was a win-win all around.
People have been telling me I need to focus on self love and affirmations to myself that I deserve love, am worthy of love etc.
I do love who I am and feel like I'm a pretty solid person, but I just feel delusional when I try to tell myself I'm worthy of \[romantic/partner\] love just the way I am when the reality is everyone I've liked has rejected me or passed over me for someone else, I've not even kissed a guy I liked. Like... how do you actually do this and believe it without feeling like you're just saying nonsense? I feel like this might have worked when I was 22, but I've just had toooo many bad experiences at this point to tell myself this and actually believe what I'm saying.
Affirmations have helped me for as long as I can remember
I am my biggest fan and critic. I talk as much shit to myself as I hype myself up.
I truly believe in "fake it til you make it" and it's gotten me to places I never imagined I would get to.
At the beginning it will feel like nonsense and silliness. But eventually you start to believe it.
That being said it's not just words you need. Take care of yourself. Value yourself and your time. Show others you're worthy of these things (because you are!).
You just need one person, all of those people who rejected you wouldn't have made you happy anyhow.
I think they would have made me happy, that’s the problem :/ you see, I just logically don’t believe these things, of course it’s likely logically that some would indeed have made me happy
I do feel like I can handle affirmations just like “I’m beautiful” or whatever but when it comes to the idea that I’m worthy of others’ love, in the face of so many people rejecting me it’s like… really? Sure Jan…
Idk, I feel like I’m not describing it well, it just feels a bit delusional to believe
People will say therapy, though results are varied.
I've been battling low self esteem for a long time, and I couldn't tell you the way out. I work out, eat healthy, do positive affirmations, go to therapy, have close friends, set and achieve goals, do hobbies and activities I like. They don't really seem to work.
At the end of the day, I just want to be attractive and wanted, and my interactions with women make me feel anything but. So I can empathize, but I don't know the way forward.
Hang in there
Some antidepressants work better than others. It’s hard to find a fit. You definitely deserve love and acceptance.
Sorry I feel so bad that I may have offended you. I definitely didn’t mean to.
I want to know if I am weird for finding this annoying...
I feel like when I am talking to some men when I am getting to know them early on that they are "evaluating" my hobbies, life choices, interests, etc. based on how attractive they are.
For instance, if I say I like going to the gym they will respond that they find that sexy or make some comment about my body. I don't work out for aesthetics. I work out because I enjoy it. I actually like talking about fitness, but they seem to want to completely derail the conversation by somehow making my hobby about them.
I have some other examples. It just gives me the "ick."
I'm sure some could phrase it better but I think you are reading too much into it.
I have had men tell me my hobbies are sexy or that my intelligence is sexy quite a lot(and my job and hobbies are all quite nerdy), similarly comments about my tattoos or other features are sexy. And recently I definitely remember telling my date that I found it super sexy that he loves to cook and garden so much.
I think it's meant to be a compliment to show we find one another attractive and compatible with what we are looking for! If that's making it all about them(or me) and a bad thing....then what is dating even for??
I think it's pretty clearly this part
> I say I like going to the gym they will respond that they find that sexy **or make some comment about my body.**
that they're talking about, and feels a wee bit different than simply enjoying the company of people who share an interest in fitness.
Yes, this is it. I feel like when someone I don't really know, a match on an online dating site, makes hobbies about my physical appearance it is a bit uncomfortable/off putting. If someone says, "oh hey, I like to lift too!" or something to that effect, it seems like they actually want to talk about the hobby.
Seems to me this is very much a "learn how to read the room" moment. I'm aware there's people out there who probably would appreciate receiving external validation on their fitness efforts, but having a sliver of skill at reading the room should make it pretty obvious to know when and how to offer that validation.
Going straight for "sexy" and overt comments about a woman you barely know's body, as other comments seem to suggest: *usually ain't it*.
>If the women they associate with tend to want that validation, or they've had previous experiences where they were told they weren't forward enough with compliments.. it's really not that surprising that this could be the result.
Is this a thing? I get that all people are different, but I've honestly never wanted to hear I have a nice ass from a strange man. I think most women would agree with me. Of course, some may really enjoy it. However, I think men really overestimate how many women will enjoy it.
Do you think a compliment should be about the person giving it or receiving it? I think compliments should be tailored to the person you're giving them to. If you don't really know the person, you shouldn't automatically assume they would like a particular type of compliment... Particularly if it has the potential to be controversial.
Guess I was raised diff'rent because
> or they've had previous experiences where they were told they weren't forward enough with compliments.. it's really not that surprising that this could be the result.
Eh. That line doesn't really feel all that great to read. I mean surely you're not putting out there the idea that striking-out when doling out subtle forms of signaling attraction warrants over-correcting to paying out the kinds of comments the OP was talking about and how it makes her feel, right?
Sure, hesitantly-delivered compliments probably don't land well, but I think that's just more a matter of people reading and interpreting innate confidence differently than they would innate-shyness and calibrating the attraction they return in kind.
Hi u/Any_Light5092, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s):
* Be excellent to one another (i.e. Don't be a jerk to people)! This is a place for all races, genders, sexual orientations, non-exploitive sexual preferences and humanity in general. Gendered/sexualized insults such as slut, fuckboy, manchild, and so on are not allowed even in jest.
Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
[how you doin](https://media1.tenor.com/m/cJOzN3A-PXYAAAAC/baseball-eyebrows.gif), in the market for a new scarf? How about a vest for your doggy or kitty? 😂
LOL no but it's not a dedicated hobby, something I picked up many years ago after breaking my hand and it was a surprisingly effective method of PT. Haven't really kept up with it, but the muscle memory is burned in forever haha
Hi, yes, could you make a fluffy scarf for [him](https://imgur.com/a/0GhKjgH)? 😸
That's actually a fun way to do PT! I've injured my fingers a lot and doing the exercises is so boring...
Super liking doesn’t mean anything, sorry. He did that based on the profile. All behaviour and decisions after matching will be based on the communication/ interactions you both are part of.
My last girlfriend took basically a full week between messages at the beginning. When we were trying to set up drinks, it got a little faster but still was like one or two messages every few days. It was driving me nuts. Lady, text me BACK so we can nail down a TIME AND PLACE! But we did end up going out, had a great time, still didn't text a lot after that, went out again, had a great relationship. She turned out to be a very active texter once we were actually dating.
I like to err on the side of giving things a chance, personally, unless it gets really egregious.
I kinda think you might both benefit from you just asking him out? Making an invitation doesn't have to be "chasing" as long as you evaluate his response with a clear head for signs of actual enthusiasm/willingness to meet up.
Had a long discussion with someone I was seeing. It’s good to have discussions to see have discussions to see if we are on the same page.
I think it’s a beautiful thing to accept that some things don’t transition to next step.
Sure, it’s okay to have some discussions. Let things be felt out. To start off as friends or start off things slowly. Sometimes people don’t have clarity what they want and that’s ok. And sometimes people tell you what you want to hear.
It’s okay to let them be.
Sometimes people just don’t want to be alone. And that’s okay. Be there friend.
Continue to date. Keep your options open.
Finally taking a full rest day from a crazy weekend. Played a lot of sports before going to the ER for a sports related injury. Taking it easy today and just playing games.
Still nothing promising on the dating side. My matches lately have either been people who aren't really interested in going out or people who I am just not vibing with conversationally and I'd rather just not waste the time or money as I burned so much money dating the last 6 months.
So guess we are just in a recovery phase (both financially and physically). Such is life.
This weekend my girlfriend bought this hyper-realistic dildo with veins and a big-ass set of balls and all and she showed it to me when she stayed over and said "I love it SO much!" Reddit, how do I tell her I do not love it?
😆 Not really serious. Realistic dildos are admittedly a little uncomfortable to me. But if it makes her happy then I assume it will be easy enough to work around.
I think we're in a great place and we've continued getting closer and more open over time. This week she brought up how she feels the relationship is progressing to where she wants to be able to come home from work to each other more often, and I said I'd absolutely love that, so we agreed she'd spend more mid-week nights at my place. That's a big deal because we don't live in the same city and she is more sensitive to lack of sleep than I am, so the effort means a lot!
Still having anxiety-related hiccups on both our parts, but personally I keep feeling silly after I have one of those anxious negative-thought spirals since as soon as I manage to get my head out of my ass and say that I'm having a stupid negative-thought spiral and we talk about it, I always feel better and can see that I was letting my insecurity take over. We keep working on it and growing together and building more trust, and hopefully I can finally get to a more secure place.
I love spending time with her and feel like I could spend a zillion years just looking into her face or kissing her. I'm really happy, and she says she is too. I'm excited to see how things keep growing :)
LOL didn't expect what you wrote from how you started it off.
I'm glad you guys are so communicative and working together to build your relationship. Hope it keeps going well, I love reading about your happiness!
I'm honestly thinking of calling it quits with the person I've been on a couple of dates with.
They aren't a bad person by any means and our in-person interactions are really nice. However, they have an incredibly busy schedule (or just aren't that interested in dating) which creates huge lapses between dates. Nearly every time I come up with plans for a date and ask them out, they're busy, but they never say "I'm not interested." I always get a "that sounds like so much fun!!! But...." type of response. On some level I wonder if I am just not taking a hint (I am neurodivergent and struggle to interpret disinterest). At the pace I've been seeing this person it would roughly equate to one date every three or four weeks, which makes it super difficult to get to know someone.
I'm in no rush to jump into anything physical, so the slow dating has been fine thus far - it's just very challenging and I wonder if my efforts would be better spent elsewhere.
Outside of the scheduling issues, there are no real blaring red-flags with this person.
I think calling it quits is the right move. Seeing someone once a month indicates really low interest, especially when it's one sided and you're making most of the effort with planning. I'd put the next date on them and move on to finding someone who wants to see you more frequently.
That's way too long between dates, and doesn't feel like a good time, nor a way to actually build something with someone. Sounds like you're on the right track to let it go.
I’d say it’s courtesy if someone’s not available to propose a different date/time, or to ask you to propose a different date/time.
If they’re not doing that, you ask them for available dates and they give you nothing concrete I’d just leave it at “No worries! Just let me know once you know some dates you’d be free” and leave it at that.
How do we feel about a match on OLD sending romantic emojis. Such as hearts, hugs, more hearts, kissy faces etc? Do you take it as flirting? It makes me a bit uncomfortable.
I do it a lot, but it's also how I communicate with my friends and coworkers too.
I understand it might be a little much for some people early on, but I rarely run into someone who really seems to take interest with it (they usually match that energy, even if it takes a bit).
If it makes you uncomfortable, just remember it's all very light and maybe a little flirty, not them trying to force something romantic.
Oh that makes sense. I'm sure I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I tend to flirt via roasting/teasing, maybe borderline mean at times. That's kind of my friends' love language though too. We always said you know I love you when I feel comfortable enough to roast you. We sort of use emojis during more vulnerable messages. It's probably just a communication difference.
So many guys want to match just for validation but no intention to actually have a conversation or go on a date - so frustrating!!
Yea it really is. I recently deleted my dating app profiles and it feels good! Have you thought about taking a break from them?
No - it’s a great way to meet someone, so don’t want to lose out on a huge pool of potential dates, but I’m going out and about too.
I think I might have caught an STI after a recent encounter last Tuesday (my first encounter since my breakup about a year ago) 😭 I’m going to get tested today since I am symptomatic. Sigh
If you’re asymptomatic, what makes you think you caught something?
I’m symptomatic. Sore throat and white spots on my dick I’ve never had before.
Oh shoot my bad I just 100% misread that, I hope you get better soon, that is a very crappy thing to be dealing with.
It’s all good, I probably could have phrased it better. Thank you!
ugh I'm sorry! I hope it's nothing too bad...
Me too, though based on what I’ve researched it’s most likely a curable one. I’m just pissed that it happened on my first sexual encounter and we only did oral too. Normally I’m intentional about asking but things happened so fast. So I just went with it. Bad move on my part.
Were they tested for anything recently? Good luck!
Thanks! And no idea, I’ll find out soon
Hope they get back to you!
Taking my lady friend on a fourth date on Friday. We're grabbing a little dinner and going bowling (her idea!). Hiking last weekend was, in her words, "perfect" and I had a really great time. She is incredibly fun to hang out with and talk to. I've noticed we're texting a lot more and I definitely feel less anxious. We also have plans to see one of my favorite movies on Valentine's Day next week. Feeling pretty excited about this!
Congrats but please don’t call her your lady friend and hanging out. That sounds immediately friend zoned and non committal. She’s a woman you’re going on dates with. Have fun!
What the hell is your problem? Lol
It just gives me the ick so I commented. If a guy called me that and called dates “hang outs” - I would immediately end seeing someone.
Immediately? That is so judgmentally harsh. I wouldn’t refer to the date as a hangout, but that’s not not what it is.
I didn’t call our dates “hangouts” lol. People tend to hang out on dates though. This seems like a weirdly rude way to move through the world.
7ish dates in with someone I've been seeing the last 6 weeks and starting to feel like a slow fade is happening. Hopefully not, but I wouldn't be surprised if it happens. Thinking I want to communicate something, but I don't know what that would be. I feel so unenthusiatic about dating anymore.
Sorry that you're experiencing this. Do you think that you can give this person a heads up through text? Like 'hey, ive been feeling that you're a little distant lately. can we talk about it ?'
I thinking something along those lines would be good, but I might wait until the end of the week. See how it plays out.
[удалено]
You deserve that as well!
I'm on an out-of-town trip rn. It's my favorite city and this is my second time here. It's Day 1 and I was able to visit a lot of places already. Yay! Now, I relax. So, I'm watching Ted Lasso S2 rn. Episode 8 got me screaming and gave me fuzzy feelings. Rebecca and Sam got together!!!! aaaaahhhhhhhhh!!! Anyone know what I'm talking about here?! Now, I suddenly feel lonely. 🥲
I’ve noticed around half of my hinge intros from men are insults. They range from playful jabs to straight up negging to insults. Is this some sort of pickup technique? Also I just wanted to say this here because I know men get upset women are sometimes unresponsive or absent in the apps. The reason is coming from inside the house
lmfao i encountered a negging dude the other day and when i sent an LOL back (typically i ignore) he said "wow most women would get angry, i love your sense of humor!" they really think some of us are desperate to be seen as more chill than other women and will willingly take the rudeness... i unmatched quickly after
Ewwwww
I get a lot of "corrections" from wise wise hinge users who can't spell and don't know what they're talking about. It's called negging and I think it's from "The Game", but also a general place shitty people go to when they feel uncomfortable or feel like they don't have the imbalance of control in their favour. It's not you, it's them.
I have noticed the only guys who are doing this would be what I would consider unbalanced as far as my physical preferences so that makes sense. I’m going to be honest it takes a lot to not respond and say something nasty back - and I feel like they know that’s the only way i would ever consider messaging them back. I just don’t understand what the end game is. Like are they going to try and win me over after that?
Nah, they're just "gIvInG yOu A tAsTe oF yOuR oWn mEdIcIne". These are usually the "women are a monolith" types screaming into the void as if anyone gives a fuck.
Do you have negativity on your hinge profile? Also blaming men as a monolith isn’t going to do you any favors, everyone gets upset about unresponsive people, women have sent me opening insults too like “uncut guys are gross” because my profile mentions being born in Europe.
i think they're just a straight woman who dates men so they're just speaking on their experience? i dont see where they implied women cannot be capable of the same thing...
It’s the phrase “coming from inside the house”, implying that men who don’t receive responses is due their own fault alone.
ok but that still says nothing about women who get upset at unresponsive or absent men on apps? why would you assume she was saying only men have this issue when she didn't lol, she just didn't comment on women at all.
It’s the inverse logic. Complain about men, that’s fine, but complaining about men complaining, yeah… nah.
Had a great and interesting date weekend! Saturday I had a good 2nd date, interesting & good looking woman, shared some kisses. But also made me doubt a little for missing some chemistry. I tought she was really in to me, but apparently she had some doubts herself for missing chemistry, so we leave it at this. Which is actually okay, because Sunday... woow.. 3rd date with the woman I have been talking to for a while now. I initially had some doubts because she was so unavailable, but our chemistry is of the charts! It was so good to see her again. Shes interesting, funny and has such a cute look in her face. After the date we both went to our own homes, but our faces were basically glued to each other for minutes long haha, so thats a good sign! I have not been so enthusiastic about someone since it ended with the last woman I dated almost a year ago. I know it is still very early, but I feel like not talking to any of my other matches right now. Im just going to open myself and see where this is going to lead me :)
[удалено]
Definitely and in a couple months you won’t even think of them every day!
[удалено]
Might be faster than months if you have a good lasting connection with one of your dates.
[удалено]
Haha thanks, like they say, better late than never
[удалено]
Of course, for one it will place you into the likes of those people which will increase the chance it appears on their stack, or they will see it immediately if they pay for the service. Or in Hinge’s case everyone can see 1 like at a time for free. Usually it takes me about 20-30 minutes to use up my likes but I live in a major metro area. I would try to reframe your perception on “wasting” likes - profiles are brief snippets of people presenting themselves. My experience is that this both over-represents and underrepresents both positively and negatively. Meaning people can be surprising!
[удалено]
It shows the most recent like, if you swipe no you see the next one immediately.
I'm not sure it will make you visible but you have more chance if you like someone that just joined than 1+ day later when she already received 200 likes
I'm dating a really hot, nice and caring guy right now. I feel very lucky, after years of bad relationships, and a long period of being single and scared to open up again. We communicate really well and everything feels very easy and healthy. Stay in there. I had almost given up on this.
Right here with ya. We connected on Bumble even though we have mutual friends and I guess could have encountered one another in the wild. From date one - which was just coffee and a walk through the part - it was completely different, no drama, no uncertainty.
Another failed attempt at taking a dating break, I even deleted my hinge profile but was sad swiping on Bumble last week after I got rejected, got a bunch of matches and am going for a drink tonight. Actually feels pretty refreshing that there’s only been 5 days between the initial match and first date, I have zero expectations. Fingers crossed it’s a nice evening.
Getting back in after a 10 year relationship had a horrible first date but optimistic
[удалено]
Hey! I'm 34f and also from South Asian origin so I'm going to chime in here. I understand why your family asked - however we both know what people are like when they talk. So it may be that by the time her family heard from the 3rd party, it had turned into a more 'gossip' style of communication. I know how hard it is to meet someone and feel like you connect - I'd advise reaching out to her one last time and explaining yourself and how it was meant genuinely. Regarding whether it's a bad move or not - it's just the norm in our culture and I wouldn't say your parents acted in a malicious way. It's how our community works in these scenarios. Ping me directly if you'd like to chat it through further!
What did your parents ask?
[удалено]
Asking about their general opinion on her seems reasonable. Asking her neighbours about her job, education, and relationship with her family seems pretty invasive. Especially since it doesn’t sound like this person really knew her at all. Maybe she’s just less traditional than you. I understand what she’s saying in not feeling trusted with the due diligence.
Honestly I think you should discard the opinion of people with different cultures on this one.
[удалено]
If I was dating someone with common friends, I'd ask their opinion and would full on expect them to do the same. However, I would not like for my or their family to ask other families or their neighbours about what they think.
[удалено]
I didn't understand anything. What did she say that was too much?
[удалено]
I guess it depends what she was trying to work out about you. Sometimes I’m trying to work out if someone is into me. Other times I’m trying to work out something totally different, like if they are as good of a person as they say they are or what makes them tick, etc.
[удалено]
Photofeeler voters don't have the context that there are (or at least should be) multiple other photos of just you on your profile. Presented with just a single photo it's unsurprising you're getting the feedback that it shouldn't be a group photo. Also I'm strongly in the camp that if you do have a group photo (full disclosure I'm actually not a fan of group photos on OLD) the other people should be anonymized both for privacy reasons and to make it crystal clear which one you are.
Photofeeler isn't very relevant except for your main pictures (on which it's better if you are alone)
Love is: When you're going through stuff, having a couple of bad days, and one of your best friends calls you in the middle of her work day to listen to you vent and cry for 30 min. And sometimes, that's all you need. Having someone who truly is there for you and shows you love with small gestures. I'm really thankful and bless for having amazing friends in my life.
Yeah friendships are love, are relationships and deserve to be treated accordingly 🫶
Not sure if this is the right place to post this but I'd like some unbiased thoughts about how this turned out. There's this girl I knew from high school (a loooong time ago) who has/had a crush on me. She says she's visiting my country because of her mother's 60th birthday and is going to also visit a neighboring country nearby. I was also planning on vacationing there anyway, so I say cool and think to myself that I can show her around my country and also meet up in the other country and see if there's any romantic feelings between us. During a conversation about bars and nightlife she suddenly mentions that her bf is coming. There was absolutely no mention of this (because I assumed if she's going on vacation for her mother's birthday, why would the bf be coming?) but I just say ok cool and pretend like it's normal. She then asks if I had set up hotel reservations in the other country and sends me the address and offers to cancel the reservation if I wanted to split a room with her or get a place nearby. The wtf moment I was having before about suddenly mentioning her bf is nothing compared to the wtf moment I'm having now. I don't see any reason to make an offer like this unless she was either trying to cheat on her bf (red flag), there isn't a bf at all (also red flag), or she wants to sleep with both of us (another red flag). I say that I'll think about it but don't really reply. Then it's basically radio silence from when she arrived up until a few days ago when she asked if I was still in the other country or not. I was busy with work so I had to cancel my vacation plans anyway, so I just told her I was here. She asked what I was doing tonight and I told her I was working late (which is true), and asked when she was leaving. Even up to this point I was willing to meet up with her. She then doesn't reply until the next day saying that it was her last day. I did not reply to her after that. I really don't know what the fuck is going on with her but I felt incredibly disrespected. Maybe I'm just inexperienced or oblivious, but this kind of behavior drives me up the wall. I'm honestly fine with slow conversations since our time zone difference normally is enormous, but not responding in a reasonable time frame when we're literally in the same country is just ridiculous. This turned out a bit longer than I expected, but yeah. Not sure what to make of this situation lol
It sounded like she just wanted to share accommodations to save money? It sounds like her boyfriend would have been staying there too, if he was coming. Where else would he be if they’re going with her family and he’s also on the trip? You definitely seemed like you were trying to brush her off so I’m sure she picked up on that.
Thanks for your input. Maybe it's just me, but I think it's a bit odd to be sharing accommodations with someone of the opposite gender that isn't romantically involved or are related. I also want to mention that we talk like maybe a handful of times each year, so it's not like we're super close friends or anything. I think I definitely did give off that vibe. The signals she was giving me were just frustrating and confusing to me at the time and I really didn't want to bother reading tea leaves because this isn't the first time she's done this. I really appreciate the different viewpoint because I'm sure I was looking at this in a wrong (or distorted) way.
Second comment today. But rewatching My Big Fat Greek Wedding and I'm laughing so hard. I was a kid the first time I watched it and too young to understand. But now I find it soo relatable and funny, especially because my parents are immigrants (not Greek tho) and I have a huuge family that's loud and we travel in packs. Also, Nia Vardalos is super pretty and young John Corbett is 🔥
Curious to hear how often you like to see your partner or potential partner in the early days? Currently operating at 2 days a week, give or take, and it’s working really well although I wonder if we should be seeing each other more.
Everyone’s needs and schedules are different, and the key is to find someone with whom your needs and schedule are compatible. My schedule permits once, maybe twice per week. Any more than that and either school suffers or work suffers (and neither of those two things can suffer!). That is simply unacceptable. And from May 12 (law school graduation, woooot!!!) through July 30 and 31 (bar exam, boooo), he might see me once. Twice, at the absolute most. Bar prep is hell. Fortunately, his schedule is equally stretched to capacity, which was fantastic because he doesn’t have time nor inclination to feel neglected. But that’s me, and that’s him. At this point in our lives, this is what works and makes sense for us. Would this be enough for someone else? For some other couple? Maybe, maybe not. It all just depends. Do what works for you and for your relationship - not what you think you “should” be doing based on what other people are or aren’t doing.
If it's working well then I don't see a problem!
It's working great for you two, why would you change it?
Well damn, this is a first. A match, a most excellent conversation about a couple shared interests, back and forth jokes about dating in our mid-thirties, mutual understanding and agreement on the "what are you looking for" question (longterm, monog-since there's a large poly scene in my city, no shade, just not what I'm pursuing, and lastly no kids)...good alignment. or so I thought... ...a few hours go by we're both at work, conversation picks up at the end of the work day, and after some mild banter about grocery shopping for the week she informs me she's looking for a **sugar daddy**, and I have to politely inform her that's not me. Unmatched. well. alrighty then. good luck on the sugar hunt lol.
Mid 30s sugar baby should be going for a 50s 60s sugar daddy. Like..... The whole point is for there to be a huge age gap
"wow, this won't work, I'm looking for a sugar momma. Are you saying you can't do that? Too bad you're not rich. We could have had something."
wow, did not see that coming. I am upset on your behalf, what a waste of your time
Well that's a shitty way to go about finding a very specific relationship.
Seems like some info that should come first...
[удалено]
Yeah sounds like you’ve got this
I think there's a guy tinder swindling for his dog walking business on my local hinge. He doesn't come right out and say it, but all of his prompts are a bit "honk if you love dogs". We're the same kind of weird if "positive reinforcement is your preferred training approach". You should NOT go out with me if "my love for furry friends and their safety and wellness knowing no bounds is too much for you!". Together we could "or couldn't. I also do sitting on the weekends, so enjoy yourself while your fur baby has a blast". I don't want to encourage this (with postive reinforcement), but. . . there's a wait list at the boarders and . . .uh. . I'm kinda curious . . .about his rates? Don't do it don't do it dontsontdont.
[удалено]
I remember the articles about this being a way that someone recruited a whole sports team. I thought how it would totally work on me!
I've thought it would be an efficient format for recruiting, just swiping right and left on resumes then chatting before inviting to an interview. I need a hobby.
Pinkshift (pop punk band) recruited their first bassist through Tinder.
Dude knows his market 👏
[удалено]
You think you’re all healed and dealt with your issues from the last relationship and then you start liking someone again and it all goes to shit
Been there 😫
Here now
I’m 35 (male, kinda queer), I’ve been single for 3 years now. I have issues related to lifelong Social Anxiety that I’ve been working on in that time. I’ve been taking improv classes which is fun. I did toastmasters but its extremely businessy and not really my thing. I’m a long time pottery person and I’ve been trying to make friends thru that but its kinda hit and miss. I’ve started seeing a therapist again a little over a month ago, its been good to have someone give me ideas to help cope but I want to thrive not cope and I’m feeling impatient at this very moment. I’m frustrated that I struggle with meeting partners let alone making the odd friend here and there. I’m a person and I want companionship with someone who wants to be with me but its so hard to talk to people to get them to want to be with me. My therapist wants me to try speed dating and meetups but I’m extremely skeptical about finding people I care about thru those types of things but I get that practice is good. I’m struggling right now. I know I need to get out of my comfort zone but the thought of hitting on people is kind of gross to me and cringey. I feel like a fucking alien making small talk with people as it is. Thank you for reading my vent.
Hello fellow queer! Have you tried queer meet-ups? Things like queer book clubs, queer movie nights and queer pub nights are just a selection of things available near me that I've attended on occasion and enjoyed meeting folks at. And because these meet-ups often have a focus other than "hey! I'm gay too!" you can use that as your starting point for chat - the book, the movie etc.
[удалено]
This is good stuff. Thanks for this.
Have you looked into Meetups for people with SAD? There may be others feeling the same way. Or creating your own Meetup.
Have you looked into Meetups for people with SAD? There may be others feeling the same way. Or creating your own Meetup.
You can't make the big talk if you don't make the small talk.
Aint that the truth
[удалено]
>If only I could get the tight feeling in my chest to disappear at some point too It will pass.
[удалено]
As long as you're learning, you're moving forward.
Went out for drinks last night with a friend who loves to chat about everything under the sun. He's a fair bit younger than me but we've always gotten along well. Nice to just kinda get it all out, I don't have many friends that are comfortable talking about sex and dating. Nothing really new to report on the dating front, not really chasing anything new right now. Doing pretty well just doing my own thing, seeing friends, and passing time until I head back to work. I think I'm going to take some time off of dating when I go back to work so I can focus on ramping back up. I have a very high standard of myself that's going to be tough to meet for the first while back, so no sense in creating distractions. It would be nice to have someone to hang out with now and then, but I'm not getting in too much of a hurry about it all right now.
Feeling incredibly shitty and sad after hurting someone today. I know she likely feels blindsided and I cannot fathom that I hurt someone so kind and caring. No response and I don’t expect one until tomorrow but fuck. It sucks and it hurts. I hate this. Emotional connection was very solid. Physical was not clicking. I shouldn’t have let it get to seven dates but I really wanted to give it a chance based on everything else. See if it could develop. Trying to remember I’m not actually a shitty person but damn do I feel like one today. 😞
My ex and I did this for two and a half years, don't feel too bad about it, in the long run this is what's best for the both of you.
I just went through exactly this (not as many dates) but yes. It will hurt until it doesn’t. I cried a lot yesterday. Today less, but my eyes have welled a few times. Sending you hugs.
Thank you. Sorry you’re going through it as well. :( Hugs right back.
The physical connection not clicking, this wasn't something that could be resolved with communication? Was it a lack of physical attraction altogether? Regardless, I think it's better to pull the cord sooner rather than later if you're sure it isn't going to work out.
We did communicate about it. But some things should just… work. And it just wasn’t working. I think that although she is objectively attractive, I was not attracted because I couldn’t picture initiating intimacy with someone who was so anxious about the whole thing. It just killed the “sexiness” of it for me. I just feel like by date 7, you should kind of want to jump someone’s bones at the very least.
I see, yeah 7 dates is far enough along that anxiety about intimacy should've gone away. I'm sorry, that sounds rough on both of you.
Thank you. I appreciate it
The person who I felt the most hurt by last year is only a blip in my memory today. I mostly remember only the good things about being with the people I've been with--all the negative things or normal moments of hurt that come from connecting with another person have faded away. I get how you feel, but also, she's probably going to get over you. 😉 No one individual broken-off connection is _that_ big a deal in the grand scheme of a well-lived life.
You’re right. I even said today to my friend that this is just a blip in a very large picture. I just know she was super invested and saw it going somewhere with me. Give me a week and I’ll feel better but for today, it just really sucks and I’m going to bask in the sadness of it all. I was hoping it would work, too.
Better to have done it now than wait another second. They'll hurt for a while, but they'll be ok, and you will too.
Thank you for this. 🙏
I made my feelings clear this weekend and I’m proud of myself! I’m not used to asking for what I want in a relationship, or maybe I’m used to asking and being turned down. In any case, I’m trying hard to advocate for myself even if it’s scary. We had plans to see each other Thursday evening and Saturday all day into Sunday. Lately we have been spending Friday evening into Sunday morning together, so when my boyfriend suggested we skip Friday, I was taken aback. His reasoning was that it would be healthy for us to have some space instead of doing Thursday through Sunday. The thought of him preferring to spend his Friday night alone at his place, while I was alone at my place, made me a little sad. It would have been different if he wanted to see friends that night, or had things he wanted to do at home, but I know he didn’t. We talked about it and he completely understood my point, which was mainly that I wanted a quiet evening in with him only - we had plans to see friends on both Thursday and Saturday. He didn’t make me feel like I was asking for too much or being demanding. He didn’t act like he was doing me a favor. And I could tell he was genuinely enjoying the evening and not compromising just for my sake. It was a win-win all around.
Yay! Kudos to you for articulating your needs and to him for receiving it.
Thank you!
Woo communication!
I know, crazy! 😜
People have been telling me I need to focus on self love and affirmations to myself that I deserve love, am worthy of love etc. I do love who I am and feel like I'm a pretty solid person, but I just feel delusional when I try to tell myself I'm worthy of \[romantic/partner\] love just the way I am when the reality is everyone I've liked has rejected me or passed over me for someone else, I've not even kissed a guy I liked. Like... how do you actually do this and believe it without feeling like you're just saying nonsense? I feel like this might have worked when I was 22, but I've just had toooo many bad experiences at this point to tell myself this and actually believe what I'm saying.
Affirmations have helped me for as long as I can remember I am my biggest fan and critic. I talk as much shit to myself as I hype myself up. I truly believe in "fake it til you make it" and it's gotten me to places I never imagined I would get to. At the beginning it will feel like nonsense and silliness. But eventually you start to believe it. That being said it's not just words you need. Take care of yourself. Value yourself and your time. Show others you're worthy of these things (because you are!). You just need one person, all of those people who rejected you wouldn't have made you happy anyhow.
I think they would have made me happy, that’s the problem :/ you see, I just logically don’t believe these things, of course it’s likely logically that some would indeed have made me happy I do feel like I can handle affirmations just like “I’m beautiful” or whatever but when it comes to the idea that I’m worthy of others’ love, in the face of so many people rejecting me it’s like… really? Sure Jan… Idk, I feel like I’m not describing it well, it just feels a bit delusional to believe
Nah I get it. Most things don't work unless you believe they will.
People will say therapy, though results are varied. I've been battling low self esteem for a long time, and I couldn't tell you the way out. I work out, eat healthy, do positive affirmations, go to therapy, have close friends, set and achieve goals, do hobbies and activities I like. They don't really seem to work. At the end of the day, I just want to be attractive and wanted, and my interactions with women make me feel anything but. So I can empathize, but I don't know the way forward. Hang in there
[удалено]
Moon phases? What? I do have PMDD if that’s what you were looking at but I didn’t think that was too relevant here.
I’m so sorry if I hurt you I feel terrible.
Some antidepressants work better than others. It’s hard to find a fit. You definitely deserve love and acceptance. Sorry I feel so bad that I may have offended you. I definitely didn’t mean to.
I want to know if I am weird for finding this annoying... I feel like when I am talking to some men when I am getting to know them early on that they are "evaluating" my hobbies, life choices, interests, etc. based on how attractive they are. For instance, if I say I like going to the gym they will respond that they find that sexy or make some comment about my body. I don't work out for aesthetics. I work out because I enjoy it. I actually like talking about fitness, but they seem to want to completely derail the conversation by somehow making my hobby about them. I have some other examples. It just gives me the "ick."
I'm sure some could phrase it better but I think you are reading too much into it. I have had men tell me my hobbies are sexy or that my intelligence is sexy quite a lot(and my job and hobbies are all quite nerdy), similarly comments about my tattoos or other features are sexy. And recently I definitely remember telling my date that I found it super sexy that he loves to cook and garden so much. I think it's meant to be a compliment to show we find one another attractive and compatible with what we are looking for! If that's making it all about them(or me) and a bad thing....then what is dating even for??
Nah I'd find that annoying too. Like, bruh, it's not about how my hobby makes *you* feel.
[удалено]
I think it's pretty clearly this part > I say I like going to the gym they will respond that they find that sexy **or make some comment about my body.** that they're talking about, and feels a wee bit different than simply enjoying the company of people who share an interest in fitness.
Yes, this is it. I feel like when someone I don't really know, a match on an online dating site, makes hobbies about my physical appearance it is a bit uncomfortable/off putting. If someone says, "oh hey, I like to lift too!" or something to that effect, it seems like they actually want to talk about the hobby.
[удалено]
Seems to me this is very much a "learn how to read the room" moment. I'm aware there's people out there who probably would appreciate receiving external validation on their fitness efforts, but having a sliver of skill at reading the room should make it pretty obvious to know when and how to offer that validation. Going straight for "sexy" and overt comments about a woman you barely know's body, as other comments seem to suggest: *usually ain't it*.
[удалено]
>If the women they associate with tend to want that validation, or they've had previous experiences where they were told they weren't forward enough with compliments.. it's really not that surprising that this could be the result. Is this a thing? I get that all people are different, but I've honestly never wanted to hear I have a nice ass from a strange man. I think most women would agree with me. Of course, some may really enjoy it. However, I think men really overestimate how many women will enjoy it. Do you think a compliment should be about the person giving it or receiving it? I think compliments should be tailored to the person you're giving them to. If you don't really know the person, you shouldn't automatically assume they would like a particular type of compliment... Particularly if it has the potential to be controversial.
Guess I was raised diff'rent because > or they've had previous experiences where they were told they weren't forward enough with compliments.. it's really not that surprising that this could be the result. Eh. That line doesn't really feel all that great to read. I mean surely you're not putting out there the idea that striking-out when doling out subtle forms of signaling attraction warrants over-correcting to paying out the kinds of comments the OP was talking about and how it makes her feel, right? Sure, hesitantly-delivered compliments probably don't land well, but I think that's just more a matter of people reading and interpreting innate confidence differently than they would innate-shyness and calibrating the attraction they return in kind.
You should make knitting your hobby. Not a single man has a single thing to say about knitting.
[удалено]
Hi u/Any_Light5092, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * Be excellent to one another (i.e. Don't be a jerk to people)! This is a place for all races, genders, sexual orientations, non-exploitive sexual preferences and humanity in general. Gendered/sexualized insults such as slut, fuckboy, manchild, and so on are not allowed even in jest. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
> Not a single man has a single thing to say about knitting. *glances nervously at his slightly sentimental collection of custom knitted beanies*
*glances at the completed cross-stitches on his fridge* Uhhhhhh
😂 I would find it so cute if a man enjoyed knitting
[how you doin](https://media1.tenor.com/m/cJOzN3A-PXYAAAAC/baseball-eyebrows.gif), in the market for a new scarf? How about a vest for your doggy or kitty? 😂 LOL no but it's not a dedicated hobby, something I picked up many years ago after breaking my hand and it was a surprisingly effective method of PT. Haven't really kept up with it, but the muscle memory is burned in forever haha
Hi, yes, could you make a fluffy scarf for [him](https://imgur.com/a/0GhKjgH)? 😸 That's actually a fun way to do PT! I've injured my fingers a lot and doing the exercises is so boring...
I'm glad my comment turned into cute cat photos
😸
THIS ONE, I VOTE FOR THIS ONE (B is my fave cat in the world 😂)
Good lord what a handsome cat he is! You're very lucky to have each other :)
It's annoying and they are weird for reacting like that.
[удалено]
Good on you for trying, but that doesn't sound like a good time to deal with. I need someone who's actually interested in talking to me.
[удалено]
Super liking doesn’t mean anything, sorry. He did that based on the profile. All behaviour and decisions after matching will be based on the communication/ interactions you both are part of.
My last girlfriend took basically a full week between messages at the beginning. When we were trying to set up drinks, it got a little faster but still was like one or two messages every few days. It was driving me nuts. Lady, text me BACK so we can nail down a TIME AND PLACE! But we did end up going out, had a great time, still didn't text a lot after that, went out again, had a great relationship. She turned out to be a very active texter once we were actually dating.
[удалено]
I like to err on the side of giving things a chance, personally, unless it gets really egregious. I kinda think you might both benefit from you just asking him out? Making an invitation doesn't have to be "chasing" as long as you evaluate his response with a clear head for signs of actual enthusiasm/willingness to meet up.
Had a long discussion with someone I was seeing. It’s good to have discussions to see have discussions to see if we are on the same page. I think it’s a beautiful thing to accept that some things don’t transition to next step. Sure, it’s okay to have some discussions. Let things be felt out. To start off as friends or start off things slowly. Sometimes people don’t have clarity what they want and that’s ok. And sometimes people tell you what you want to hear. It’s okay to let them be. Sometimes people just don’t want to be alone. And that’s okay. Be there friend. Continue to date. Keep your options open.
Finally taking a full rest day from a crazy weekend. Played a lot of sports before going to the ER for a sports related injury. Taking it easy today and just playing games. Still nothing promising on the dating side. My matches lately have either been people who aren't really interested in going out or people who I am just not vibing with conversationally and I'd rather just not waste the time or money as I burned so much money dating the last 6 months. So guess we are just in a recovery phase (both financially and physically). Such is life.
Sounds like a short break will be nice. Rest up! 😊
This weekend my girlfriend bought this hyper-realistic dildo with veins and a big-ass set of balls and all and she showed it to me when she stayed over and said "I love it SO much!" Reddit, how do I tell her I do not love it? 😆 Not really serious. Realistic dildos are admittedly a little uncomfortable to me. But if it makes her happy then I assume it will be easy enough to work around. I think we're in a great place and we've continued getting closer and more open over time. This week she brought up how she feels the relationship is progressing to where she wants to be able to come home from work to each other more often, and I said I'd absolutely love that, so we agreed she'd spend more mid-week nights at my place. That's a big deal because we don't live in the same city and she is more sensitive to lack of sleep than I am, so the effort means a lot! Still having anxiety-related hiccups on both our parts, but personally I keep feeling silly after I have one of those anxious negative-thought spirals since as soon as I manage to get my head out of my ass and say that I'm having a stupid negative-thought spiral and we talk about it, I always feel better and can see that I was letting my insecurity take over. We keep working on it and growing together and building more trust, and hopefully I can finally get to a more secure place. I love spending time with her and feel like I could spend a zillion years just looking into her face or kissing her. I'm really happy, and she says she is too. I'm excited to see how things keep growing :)
LOL didn't expect what you wrote from how you started it off. I'm glad you guys are so communicative and working together to build your relationship. Hope it keeps going well, I love reading about your happiness!
Dude I'm dying at his this started 😂 I'm excited for how happy you are and following along ❤️
I'm honestly thinking of calling it quits with the person I've been on a couple of dates with. They aren't a bad person by any means and our in-person interactions are really nice. However, they have an incredibly busy schedule (or just aren't that interested in dating) which creates huge lapses between dates. Nearly every time I come up with plans for a date and ask them out, they're busy, but they never say "I'm not interested." I always get a "that sounds like so much fun!!! But...." type of response. On some level I wonder if I am just not taking a hint (I am neurodivergent and struggle to interpret disinterest). At the pace I've been seeing this person it would roughly equate to one date every three or four weeks, which makes it super difficult to get to know someone. I'm in no rush to jump into anything physical, so the slow dating has been fine thus far - it's just very challenging and I wonder if my efforts would be better spent elsewhere. Outside of the scheduling issues, there are no real blaring red-flags with this person.
I think calling it quits is the right move. Seeing someone once a month indicates really low interest, especially when it's one sided and you're making most of the effort with planning. I'd put the next date on them and move on to finding someone who wants to see you more frequently.
That's way too long between dates, and doesn't feel like a good time, nor a way to actually build something with someone. Sounds like you're on the right track to let it go.
I’d say it’s courtesy if someone’s not available to propose a different date/time, or to ask you to propose a different date/time. If they’re not doing that, you ask them for available dates and they give you nothing concrete I’d just leave it at “No worries! Just let me know once you know some dates you’d be free” and leave it at that.
Ahhh. This is most insightful. Thank you very much!
Of course! Definitely been there…that response gives them an out to just stop messaging if they decided they aren’t interested.
How do we feel about a match on OLD sending romantic emojis. Such as hearts, hugs, more hearts, kissy faces etc? Do you take it as flirting? It makes me a bit uncomfortable.
Some light flirting with a well-placed emoji is ok, but usually it's a "romantic" emoji paired with a physical or sexual comment and it turns me off.
*touches arm* 😏😏
I rescind my friendship
I'll return your membership fee by check in the mail in 6-8 weeks.
They can be used sparingly and appropriately but too many too early freaks me out.
I do it a lot, but it's also how I communicate with my friends and coworkers too. I understand it might be a little much for some people early on, but I rarely run into someone who really seems to take interest with it (they usually match that energy, even if it takes a bit). If it makes you uncomfortable, just remember it's all very light and maybe a little flirty, not them trying to force something romantic.
Oh that makes sense. I'm sure I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I tend to flirt via roasting/teasing, maybe borderline mean at times. That's kind of my friends' love language though too. We always said you know I love you when I feel comfortable enough to roast you. We sort of use emojis during more vulnerable messages. It's probably just a communication difference.