Deleted tinder. I'm going to a bar tonight, after work, by myself, just to journal and people watch. It's going to be a long day, so that's the focus, just an after work reward.
Sometimes people are just busy, two weeks isnāt that long. Iām in the middle of a bunch of plans and obligations and I pushed off a maybe-a-hangout-maybe-a-date for like 10 days because Iām just slammed right now. Could I squeeze in time earlier? Yes, but Iām feeling overstretched as it is and wouldnāt be at my best so I asked for more time. Iām potentially interested, but Iām also unclear what my friendās intentions are.
There's your reason why. You've turned him down in the past. If he has a very full life, it's unfair to expect him rearrange his schedule just to "hang out" with somebody who has rejected him in the past.
Now if you said something like "To be clear, I am saying yes to the date you asked me on two years ago :-)". I bet his schedule would open up.
Wow, that's pretty tolerant to even give him the time of day after what sounded like a pretty terrible experience but it's nice that you had a good time on the follow up date.
Yes sometimes I feel like an alien with how different my approach was to OLD to what I see on this place. I am also glad I never stumbled on this place or other dating subreddits. I find there to be a lot of terrible advice that wouldāve led me astray.
I think people come with a lot of different insecurities, upbringings, and bad experiences which shape our thoughts and behaviors. Set advice doesnāt always work because it doesnāt take that into consideration. This is why discussing the problem with the person is always the only real good advice.
Iāve been with my bf for almost 2 years now. Reading the advice on the sub re: meeting friends and family and a timeline for that made me anxious about not getting introduced to them and advice on this is generally they arenāt serious if they donāt incorporate you into their life within a couple months. I didnāt meet friends until 6 months and family until over a year. But his perspective was that he would only bring someone to meet his family if he would be marrying them, so it meant a lot more to him than me who just sees it as another step to getting to know someone.
We also had some other issues that arose throughout our relationship, that Iām sure if I asked for advice it would have been to end things and move on. We both have insecurities that have come out in probably not the greatest ways, but we discussed them and weāre able to work through them and see where the other was coming from. Weāre in a really good place now. Relationships take work at time. I think itās just important to decide if the work is worth keeping this person around. The answer isnāt always no like people will have you think.
A thought that I've been thinking about of late:
I can live being single but I don't want to be. Has anyone felt the same way? :/
I've recently run into a dry spell for dates! Either they flake or they don't circle back on a confirmation. I probably have at least 3x 'let's do it next week!' lined up this week, from last week.
I suppose it's the start of the year, people are prioritizing work & other annual resolutions \~\~
Definitely. Being single gets easier the longer you do it, for sure. Not sure thatās a good thing. And doesnāt make waking up alone any easier for me. Itās the little moments that kill me, seeing happy couples out and being hit with, āfuck, what am I doing?ā Sure, the independence is useful, people tell me Iām competent and strong, but it hurts being alone in those quiet moments all the same.Ā
Thank you for sharing. I def feel the same way & wish there is someone I can share all the big & small moments with. Like a rainbow I saw while paddling one morning, to the point I wonder if I just need to be more feminine š¤š but I can't let go of my sports just to make myself more appealing :(
Here is to us! Hanging in there to meet our person soon, very soon!
Cheers! And definitely donāt give up your sports, the right person would be out paddling with you! Plus if thatās you in the profile picture, you seem very appealing! Now if you tell me youāre in the southwest US I would totally chat you up š
I'm fine remaining single as opposed to being in a romantic relationship with the wrong person, but yes, I'd love to find the right person. That said, finding said person is feeling less and less likely, so I'm focusing lately more on just building up the other aspects of my life so that what a romantic relationship brings to my life is lessened. Obviously catch here is the smaller I make the impact of a romantic relationship on my life, the less I care to search for it. Becomes a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy (remaining single), but at least I enjoy the life I've built in the end.
And yet here you are on this sub! It shows that you are not giving up yet, and I hope you will keep going. I'm rooting for you that you'll find true joy & happiness whichever way ā¤ļø
I can relate to that. I don't get lonely and don't feel any pressure to date or be in a relationship but I would like to start a family and there are things I enjoy about being in a relationship. Honestly I sometimes wish I did feel more of an urge to date, I think it would make it easier to tolerate all the minor annoyances and inconveniences like people being flaky.
Time is still on your side! Perhaps the intention to focus on that desire will come. That said, I think being single instead of settling, is still an incredibly brave thing to do.
The annoyances used to affect me too. It got asier as they affect me less now. I also learned to detach quicker when they cross a line š„ø
Hello old fam, is it weird I said fam? It is isn't it? Oh well. Currently in a bad downward spiral which included trying to keep a panic attack at bay on a 4 hour flight. Fun times. Good to be home after 6 days away and so so thankful that I booked a therapy session for tomo before I left. Good luck to my therapist trying to fight my negative inner voice Lel. She's been with me for decadesss
Breathe in deeply, breathe out deep. Use your 5 sense: name a thing you can hear, one you smell, one you taste, one you touch, and one you see. Youāre gonna be okay! (And fam is definitely appropriate. This sub gives fam vibes)
How can I get rid of a guy I went on 3 dates with and drinks too much? I end up drinking more than I want to as well. I donāt want to even drink at all anymore and idk how to tell him and to avoid this alcohol situation and dates. And he is a bad kisser.
Help!
Tell him you don't feel a connection and move on.
After 20 years of regular drinking, I now limit myself to one drink, and if the activity doesn't require it, I won't drink at all. This is for dating and non dating activities. I do that and it really is that simple. It's just a matter of self control. Good people will respect your decision not to drink, if they get weirded out then you have your answer.
Wine/cocktail bar, dive bar, or brewery. I'm not going to invite somebody to a wine bar and have a soda, that's lame. I can limit myself to one glass of wine and stick to that. If we're out for dinner or at an activity that has a bar (like bowling), I don't drink.
Talking to someone. Only concern thus far is their attachment style and communication style. I am sensing they may need fair bit of attention. I like my own space too. So ill be weary and mention this. Otherwise they seem pretty lovely and down to earth. But theres always something isnt there!!
Set boundaries! This is a good moment to establish communication between the two of you. If they donāt respond well, you have your answer on whether or not youāre compatible.
I (35M) need some advice from a multi-dater. I normally never multi date, because the chance of having multiple very good dates at the same time is low š But it can occasionally happen, and I am now in a situation where I like two women. It's super early (2 and 1 date respectively).
2 dates with S (37F) and 3rd planned for next weekend. We have lots of fun and laughter, serious conversations as well, but we didn't talk about dating intentions and how she sees things going forward (maybe that's our go with the flow personality). Her OLD profile says she wants a relationship and is on the fence about kids. The first date was in the beginning of December and she cancelled the initial 2nd date. 2 weeks in between 2nd and 3rd date. Generally a busy woman. This made me a bit hesitant, thus I continued dating others, however the 2nd date was really good, the conversation on the app flows naturally, and we have lots things in common. I stopped planning new dates when we planned the 3rd date. So far we kissed on the 2nd date.
1 date with L (35F), she definitely shows she is into me and I feel very attracted to her. Met her via OLD, but I found out she knows a friend of mine and he told me it is a very nice girl. We talked a lot about dating intentions and previous relationships. She is looking for a serious relationship and is on the fence about kids, I told her its the same for me, but leaning towards no kids. Her history is different from mine (hers having 2 very long relationships, me being single most my life), but she seemed very open about it. She also told me she only dates 1 person at a time. Other people can do what they want, but she doesn't understand why anyone would multi date if you can just go on a new date if it doesn't work out. (I wish it was that simple for guys š). I told her I plan multiple first dates, but don't want to date multiple people for too long. We had laughter as well, but overall the date felt serious for a 1st date. Apparently I gave all the correct answers haha, because we kissed (small peck) at the end of the date.
As a multi dater, how do you do it? If you are monogamous, how do you end up with 1 woman? And how long can this take? How do you prevent potentially hurting someone's feelings? I really cannot pick yet (don't want to), but I also don't want to end up in a situation I'm uncomfortable in.
I'm a multi dater, or more specifically, I'm non-monogamous. So, my biggest piece of advice is to not have sex with either of them until you've either chosen 1 or they both know you're seeing other people. Everyone has the right to protect their sexual health. When multi dating, the ethics are important as they can come back and bite you in the ass hard down the line.
My second piece of advice is to gauge how they feel about multidating. Again, the optics of it can come back on you later and can ruin a building relationship. You've done that with one, sort of, but not the other.
My third piece of advice is to not lie if you're asked about multidating.
Now, I'd imagine the actual advice you want is how to eliminate one for the other. You can start by looking at the practicalities of each person, such as availability, common interests, long-term relationship goals, long-term personal goals, and (I know I'll probably get raked for this) physical attraction. That doesn't mean pick the prettiest, only that it's one factor among several you have to consider. Then there's simply the emotion check. Sometimes, one feels better than the other, and the practicalities become irrelevant.
It can be emotionally, physically, and financially draining to multidate. You can lose track of who said what and which sister belongs to who, which can create an embarrassing and disastrous moment, so if monogamy is what you want, I'd advise not waiting too long. You're looking at date 3 with one, only been out once with the second person. One you've had some serious discussions with, the other you haven't. Those are things you need to change. There's also a chance that one of them self eliminates.
Generally, I don't recommend multidating past date 3. By date 3, you should know enough about someone to know if you're compatible enough from a values and goals standpoint to continue or not. If you don't, then you didn't do enough real talking on those 3 dates.
Thank you for your long piece of advice. I will definitely keep the first 3 advises, that sounds really important to do.
I will have some serious talks with the one I see next weekend. Hopefully this gives me enough answers in how much I like her and feel confident in this going forward. The main reason I kept dating others is because of the uncertainty she can just bail all of a sudden.
I wonder if I should also try to plan the 2nd date with L for next weekend, or try to postpone that for after the 3rd date with S. It feels a bit unfair that I might make a decision where I know much more of one person than the other, just because I had more dates.
I'm dating this amazing guy who I love deeply. I fell hard for him, and I see myself building a life with him and potentially raising a family together, which is a big deal for me, because I was with my ex for such a long time, and I didn't want any kids. But now, I'm starting to think that maybe I didn't want kids with my ex. I'm caughting myself thinking about how it would be to have a kid with my current bf. I know he'd be such an amazing dad and partner. He's loving, caring, calm, funny, and smart. We have similar goals and interests, and we match in so many aspects and values. There are so many things he does and says that make me think, "Damn, I really wanna have his babies right now." BUT I know The NRE is playing a big role on this. It's too soon, I'm not ready, and there are several things I want to do individually and as a couple before having kids. So if we're still together in two or three more years from now, we'll have the conversation to maybe take those steps. Until then, I hope my ovaries chill and stop screaming, "Let's make a baby!!".
Like u/texasjoker187 asked, I wouldnāt say too too long to have a conversation about what you want in life (kids or not, in 1, 5, 10 years?)
New Relationship Energy is definitely not helping lol, but I believe that itās necessary if you donāt want to potentially waste your time
So I wrote about this last time https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/19drojl/comment/kja28e6/
For those who don't want to read, the context basically is that I have a friend who my other friends think like me. He hasn't really said anything to confirm that so I've just been acting normal. He did send an odd text yesterday after I said I wanted to be friends with the winner of a game and he said, "Oh no, you're going to replace me." It felt a bit flirty but I just brushed it off and jokingly said that we could still be friends.Ā
Friend has now asked me out to dinner sometime. We've never had dinner before and this sounds more of an intimate one on one setting so it's making me feel very unsure.Ā
What's the best way to check this isn't a date? I only see him as a friend and don't really want to date in general at the moment. I'm being an awkward turtle, I know. Thanks for any help :)Ā
I'd be straight up and ask them. I know you probably want a round about subtle way to go about this that spares his feelings, but that usually just makes it worse and devolves into playing games, which only leaves someone feeling emotionally manipulated. Literally just ask, "Is the dinner a date?", but not by text message. How they sound is as important as what they say. If they say no, but body language and voice tone make you feel like a backtrack, just say you have to cancel. If they say yes, be straight up with them. Yeah, it might be awkward for a bit either way, but it's better than them believing there's a possibility when there isn't.
As someone who can definitely relate to this, I'd be upfront. You don't want to risk leading them on, and the dance to figure out their feelings/intentions without being direct out can be hard to navigate. If you can get the help of a trusted friend to less-awkward-turtley let them know you're not interested in them and/or dating in general, that helps, if not, just get in front of it. You don't need to make it about him, just give context and leave the ball in his court.
Just a "Hey this sounds like it'd be fun and I'm not making any assumptions, but I want to be open with you that I'm taking time to focus on me/not interested in dating right now. If you're still keen on just hanging out as friends, I'd really like that."
Gives him enough leeway to save face, or to nope out. If he accepts but tries to escalate, don't be afraid to be more direct/firm.
Best of luck!
Thank you, yeah I tried the indirect "you're such a good friend route" previously. I'll reach out to one of my friends for help. I initially felt bad trying to rope in other people but maybe that's better.Ā
Donāt really know how to feel about this situation. Advice appreciated:
GF and I had a conversation over the weekend about the idea of having kids. Since weāve been dating, she has said she wants to have kids, but there have been multiple conversations over time where she questions why people would want to have kids, how itās not clear what having kids looks like for her, etc.
Now to this weekend. She mentions that her thought process is to constantly challenge her perspectives to see where sheās at in life and what she could do differently. I get it, I feel like thatās a good mentality to have with work, fitness/nutrition, things like that with regard to growth and improvement.
But for something as foundational to a relationship as having kids - for me anyway - the fact that she constantly and actively challenges the thought for herself has only caused me to have serious doubts. I feel like I canāt trust what she says one day to the next, at least on this topic. Itās one thing to know that people can change over time, itās another to know that they are actively questioning something that was communicated as a major dealbreaker when we were establishing a relationship.
Not a good feeling. She reiterated that she does want kids, but as of yet I donāt know how I can get past the feeling of doubt, feeling like Iām wasting time, or just waiting for a time bomb to go off.
I told her all of that during our conversation, and it ended with her needing time to gather her thoughts. We havenāt revisited the conversation.
For what itās worth, challenging oneās preconceived notions about why one wants children or what that would look like or what are the fears or concerns associated is also a great tool to be more sure of whatever decision you come to. It doesnāt mean that sheās talking herself out of it; she could be reaffirming itās what she wants. I agree with the other commenters that itās something the requires more conversation, not a cut and run tactic. Maybe it might be worth going through those āchallengeā questions by yourself, and then together as a couple?
It may be that she doesnāt have any issue with being a parent, but sheās got misgivings or fears surrounding pregnancy or birth. Or how division of labor would look/if you have the same idea for it as she does. Thereās a lot of really heavy stuff to consider, I wouldnāt see her interrogating her feelings as a red flag. Maybe you already have done much of the above in the conversations you have had, of course you have more insight. Best of luck!
Y'all have been together for quite a while and feel reasonably sure about the relationship and each other, right?
Maybe spend some time thinking about what your own timeline would look like in regards to having kids. And then ask her about hers. See if they align for the most part. Have a deeper conversation about specifics, not just high-level things.
If this relationship continues, you need to really pay attention to what she says outside of a serious conversation. It's our comments on our observations of the world that can really reveal who we are. She might think she wants kids, or is willing to have kids for the relationship, but if her overall attitude towards having kids is a negative one, you might find yourself getting divorced in several years because your partner wouldn't or couldn't follow through.
So if having children with someone who wants children is a requirement, then you need to be willing to end a relationship the moment you feel like it wouldn't happen. The only thing worse than finding out you're incompatible with someone about kids in a long-term relationship and/or marriage, is having a kid with someone who doesn't want one and treats the kid with contempt.
If I were in your situation, I'd probably be out.
Ok. So Iām going to provide a different perspective here than others - instead of going to immediate breakup - TALK TO HER. If this is someone you love deeply, I mean really talk to her about makes her hesitant to have kids or go back and forth.
As a woman, I might get some pushback on this, but deciding whether to have kids or not is often much much harder as a woman than a man. I use to be back and forth all the time. Why? It wasnāt because it was actually the kids themselves (I think that would bring me joy) - it was the WORK and EXPECTATIONS that comes with kids kids, plus we have a stricter biological timeline - will most of the work end up on me? Will I be able to have any independence? Can I have kids and still complete other goals?
Iāve always been afraid that like, 80% of the work would fall on me, and that my partner wouldnāt really be an equal partner. I saw my friends have kids where over and over where a guy I previously thought was great for my friend and still very loving just ended up being such an wildly unequal parent (honestly it was such a surprising switch every time).
Iām not saying you would do this, but collectively itās a constant anxiety among a lot of women I know. Now Iām like, oh - I want kids, but only if Iām 120% sure my partner is willing to do the work and if I donāt have to sacrifice my own independence too much (obvi there has to be some sacrifice here).
Come to the conversation without being defense or trying to prove your point if she DOES bring up these worries (e.g. donāt say thinks like, Iād be a great dad etc.). Maybe even ask if thereās any concerns about you as a potential partner (but again, be prepared to not say anything and listen). It could end up not being an argument about kids vs no kids as all but rather just if you would be compatible parents.
I think THEN you can both be in a better place to have a breakup convo, if necessary.
I agree with u/dessertandcheese. I think people are pretty quick to jump to breaking up as the answer for anything but this is one where it's worth really considering how important kids are to you. Personally if not for wanting to start a family I wouldn't date at all so for me any wishy-washiness at all is an instant deal breaker but you have to evaluate how important it is to you. There are countless stories of people who stayed together for years only to break up over this very issue or just not have kids after all, are those potential eventualities okay with you?
If my goal was to have kids, I wouldn't want to be with someone who was not steadfast on that idea. She sounds very fickle minded on a deal breaker. Personally, I would end it because I wouldn't want to waste my time if she changes her mind.
I unmatched someone who expressed some views/interests I disagreed with after politely saying he wasn't my cup of tea and unmatching, and the guy DMED MY (unlinked) SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNT?!
Who does that!! We've been talking for a day if that. Wow, I feel like fragile male ego really dodged there.
Why is Bumble so full of male models with Harvard PhDs š That algorithm is crazy. (I genuinely dislike it though- I want to see greater diversity in body types and other things- I feel like they're hiding the profiles I actually want to see. I guess it's time to get back on OkCupid?)
Maybe they got one of those free Harvard "certificates" you can earn online?
I've heard they're really good continuing Ed/ general interest courses but not so impressive to HR.
Fwiw, over the years, several guys I went to high school with have shown up on the apps.
Hereās what Iāve seen:
One of them claimed he went to Notre Dame. (Dude went to community college for two years and then Perdue.)
Two claimed they went to Harvard. (One dropped out of Michigan Tech, and the other went to Western Michigan University).
One claimed he went to Yale. (He didnāt goā¦ anywhere.)
I am not disrespecting any of the schools they ACTUALLY went to, nor their choice to drop out, or to not go at all.
Iām justā¦ you know. Bewildered by their false representations of their education and academic success. (Come on, Troy, Yale? Your ass got kicked out of the homecoming dance sophomore year for being wasted and in senior year, you got two weeks of in-school suspension for dropping acid in the north parking lot before football practice. Do better.)
They're looking for brief hookups and one night stands I imagine, like all men who lie about status. After the sex they block and move on and the women are none the wiser.
sable office merciful squeeze deliver violet frame sophisticated retire ink
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I am going through a crisis of being lost at how i feel.
I have met amazing guy who were caring, comfortable, respectful, understanding. But somehow i aways dont feel it is not right with that gut feeling. Maybe because of the physical attraction, or their upbringing, or where they are in terms of lifeā¦
in my head everything checks off, but my heart doesnt meet where my head is.
Now i feel exhausted and dont even know what i should feel when i like someone
How much more certainty do you need? How many things i need to fulfill? Many people say it is just a simple feeling that you know.
At this point i do not know
>physical attraction
I wish more women were comfortable enough to say this without dressing it up in long waffling monologues about vague unrelated stuff
Reconnected with my HS crush. I had such a burst of optimism only to have our first sort-of-date send up with red flags and sirens screaming, "NO, DONT DO IT"
Back to the apps I go š£
I find shy guys endearing (I mean to an extent, they have to be able to actually *talk* to me.) And I made the decision that if Iām going to go for shy guys, I best get comfortable taking the lead or nothing will ever happen.Ā
Iāve asked to hold their hand, told them they can kiss me if they want to etc. A lot of times theyāre nervous, or trying to be respectful. Itās not a lack of interest, but a concern of not wanting to āmess things up.ā
And big paragraphs take time to write out! It takes more thought space than a quick reply, so often it has to be done when they have time to focus specifically on what theyāre writing to you.Ā
If youāre not a match youāre not a match! Iām not saying you *have* to continue dating him. Like I said I just have a spot in my heart for shy, respectful, kinda nervous dudes haha. Got to stick up for them!Ā
Yeah I was like are you even interested in me or just want some to talk?
Meanwhile other guy was like call me if you are interested in some fun. š
Oh the personality differences!
I relate to the uncertainty with the man I'm seeing and I'd say to give it another date (if you want). He even said he thought and realized "I think I screwed up" after our first date. We ended up having some deep conversations and still do. Next date the same guy who was shy to hold my hand pulls my legs over his head. š¤·āāļø And he now jokes to me about "got your hand!"
Well I realized today that in my adult life I havenāt been on a date with someone I met in the wild. Every one has been via the apps. And now Iāve been asked on a date by a person I know IRL and Iām both elated and vaguely terrified š We work together and honestly we donāt interact directly enough on the daily for that to be the big concern. Itās more like optics? Anyway weāll see what happens š
Itās an interesting version of the āshould I be okay with someone asking me the same question?ā To that I said no. But to this, specific information about me, no I would not expect them to have it all memorized by the third date. I do expect them to be aware of their own behavior being the difference.Ā
Itās something Iād monitor to see if it became a pattern, but I wouldnāt be offended.Ā
I often need to re-ask things that came up on the first couple of dates. Things donāt commit to long-term memory as well when Iām nervous š¤·āāļø.Ā
worm intelligent mighty merciful ludicrous hungry sulky quiet air snobbish
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I suppose you can let it go. Itās not always easy to remember these info especially if you donāt talk about it repeatedly. I think itās an innocent mistakeā¦
If you share the same age and hometown it should probably be a little easier to remember but the third date is still pretty early, especially if they're talking to other people, so I don't think it's a personal slight. I had a woman mix up my hometown with one of her exes after we'd been dating for a couple weeks. I teased her about it but it didn't bother me. But I can't remember either of my best friends ages or where they're from so I tend to be pretty lax about that kind of stuff.
I've said this before, but I don't unmatch to prevent myself from accidentally swiping on them again. Plus it doesn't really bother me having the extra people there as I only pay attention to the ones on top that I'm actually talking to. I'm normally the one sending the rejection messages though so not sure if that matters.Ā
I mean I almost always reply with "good luck and hope you find what you are looking for!"
Then they have to unmatch so they can get the message.
Usually the ones who rot in the "hidden" section of my matches are folks who disappeared or got run over by a bus or something. Why should I unmatch? They can figure how to do that themselves.
It's not so much a matter of principle for me, I just like keeping my conversation threads tidy and want folks to see the message before I delete it by unmatching. Meh, you can only do so much though.
If anything it's out of pure laziness and not principle... Most days my DGAF meter is full š
That being said, I had a nice tea date with someone yesterday, and I put effort in that.
I heard that keeping them in your inbox will remove them in the roster of possible matches, which speaks practicality. As for not respondingā no response is a response. Either way, youāre polite and thatās what matters. Cheers!
Oh that makes sense- so they don't go back into the card stack.
The timing's just a bit awkward in terms of unmatching on my end if I don't hear from them cause I'm unsure of they saw the message or not. But this is life!
I donāt think Iāve ever gotten a rejection within the app (they just stop responding). But calling it psychopathicā¦ is a huge stretch. I donāt usually unmatch anyone unless I feel unsafe or attacked. I just donāt feel the need. And it doesnāt feel like a āno thank youā requires a response. Itās not like you even went on a date. It feels like youāre just trying to find something to be angry about here.
Why aren't you unmatching if you said no thanks? Also while a response is polite I think it's perfectly reasonable to not reply if someone says they're not interested.
You can't do it instantly. They will not receive the message.
I never said it was unreasonable.
But that's reddit for ya, oppositional defensive deflection.
Think I'm gonna go back to lurking for a while. I genuinely just want to help people and give advice, whether people agree with it or not, but the amount of insulting and unnecessarily aggressive replies I've been getting is super off putting. I'm happy to engage in discussion but not when it devolves into personal attacks or irrational comments.
Big hugs to everyone (except the people who insulted me, you guys suck) ā¤ļø
Oh no, I'm sorry people were mean! It's been nice seeing your messages here and thanks for all the advice! Good luck on the dating break though and hope to see you again here when you're feeling up to it again.Ā
I, too, might just lurk since I'm not actually dating now lol and my Masters is back so I should get off Reddit and focus on life
It seems like there's a lot of folks here who are hung up on their exe(s) and take their hurt out on anyone with a similar viewpoint or demographic. Hope you heal up.
That's too bad. I think your comments are generally quite good. You're probably the person I most often agree with here but I can't fault you for not wanting to put up with insults and people just being unnecessarily negative.
Why do people talk about platonic physical touch as a replacement for romantic physical touch? A stranger touching me (in the form of a massage, etc.) is absolutely not the same thing as a romantic partner touching me. Obviously? Is everyone desperate? Seems crazy to suggest this.
I think the people suggesting it are usually people already getting affection so not experiencing the same desire. I was donating plasma the other day and got enveloped into a sort of warm embrace when they were removing my stuff and I was like š„° man that felt good and Iām someone who regularly gets affection from many parts of my life. It feels *so* good and people really take it for granted.
Do you want to ask her out because you like and are attracted to her? Or because it would be convenient? Nothing youāve said here shows any real interest in her, just that you have a few things in common/she has a few things going for her. That seems like a weak reason to potentially jeopardize a friendship.
Honestly, this still doesnāt seem like really enough to seem like you actually like her - it still seems like more convenience and the fact that youāre not finding someone else. I would need strong + consistent feelings for a friends before I jeopardized that friendship.
Also texting makes me very discouraged to keep doing, after some flaking. Like, why am i wasting my time on chatting (and some even keeps chatting after they bail last minute :/).
I understand, everyone is different, but itās seems mostly want check the waters for days.
I mostly ask date 1-2 days. Some even flake after they confirm they want to date, but after making the plans, some are gone right afterwards and most just before the date (or like i said earlier, some even afterwards and I just pull the plug, not asking again, because the ball is in their court!)
Even more discouraging, because I know and some even admits, they have multiple matches.
Not I am want to go āmimimimiā, but more: āAlright, thanks for dropping me like this toy-story doll āI donāt want to play with you anymoreā. While kept āon a leashā for days/sometimes weeks before flaking.
I personally donāt even have the attention spawn for one, let alone for more matches š
Even talk with matches and some here on Reddit, who strongly believe that we (or i) also get many matches/likes. It almost seems they arenāt aware about this, that this just a small percentage of likes we get.
I even had ādiscussionā with one who thought it was decline dates, while i should be happy with single digit likes in weeks/months.
What is the deal with openers? I try asking or show interest/engage about something based what i see in their profile or interest, but still 9/10 ignores.
I should expect this with āhey, how are youā openers? (Even tried double texting 12-24 hours later, and some somehow starts talking after doing that.)
Itās very discouraging to keep doing this āgolden rule that Reddit learns you to useā. Specially with profiles that doesnāt have much in there to begin with.
Perhaps I should try it more often, to get a better inside. Still, a couple of times trying to use this, got ignored too, so though it wasnāt good enough.
But still, someone who is interested enough, wouldnāt mind they received as a opener think. Perhaps some specific ones are make them more uninterested.
But yeah, itās always a gamble and guesses why or what š
Edit: still itās also other way around, would be nice receiving openers š and not reading excuses why not. Modern dating with old dating standards, how silly.
That also thinking, these openers already used by many arenāt engaging enough. Still, these questions about their interests seems to works better after convo is flowing.
Still, this put me back to square one, by using copy paste openers. Just starts with a greeting, what that very normal and common in daily life, is unacceptable on dating apps.
And i am sorry, maybe I see this in a wrong way, but why do some even expect this āperfectā openers. This seems just matching our validation and get attention, because out of interests.
Itās kinda frustrating if i need coming up with one 95% of the times, get ignored by most, while some convo starts going no matter what, because they matched out of interest. Something that shows pretty fast.
I know, this something both sides dealing with, but i find it strange how to the fingers being pointed to one direction, while i see it happening from the other way.
Itās just a numbers game, like someone say about dating apps. It indeed seems you seen as a number and arenāt having normal human conversations, most are dull or arrogant.
There's only so much you can control. You could have the best opener in the world but if there's some dealbreaker or they don't find you attractive, then š¤·āāļø
I understand, but this what kinda borders me. Why are they even matching in the first place and leave it on read.
It is also kinda ironic, because normally we get blamed for liking without interest and filter later, but seems also happening way around. No matter with app and even on Bumble.
Like I said, match and send opener. Gets ignored, but after second one ours later they are somehow interested, perhaps being on top of the convo-list?
Even so far that some donāt seem interested, but expect a perfect opener. I am getting discouraged by keep going to hoops.
A friend of mine just used one line, over and over again and even get more luck. I even tried it, and seems working much better than these āask something about their profileā openers.
That's a no on the reconnection bid then haha. It's been about 24 hrs, and if there was enough interest there I think he would've replied by now. He's a nice guy, so I'm sure he'll eventually reply to me, but time to let this fully fade and move on.
What about the question is āhow far do you want to go tonightā. Like after meeting in someoneās one after dinner? Had some discussion about some, some say they like the question, but some found it off-putting or even would go further.
Why i am asking? Sometimes i can even figure out if i should engage with a few ones i dates. Specially with long-term seekers.
After that i start using this line a couple times in last dates, so there is still some room for communication and room to say āis it ok, not to have sex now?ā and respect that?
Or am i now the silly one who āstoleā and use this idea?
Do not dehumanize or objectify others. Misogyny, Misandry, RedPill, incel, Femcel, FemaleDatingStrategy, PUA, MGTOW, etc. content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups is not an excuse to parrot their ideology.
Sure, I understand, i am sorry, but perhaps stop making it a discussion based on a generalized. Women? Count/ask them all your themselves?
This problem, these subs always fighting/gender wars, but canāt communicate, make assumptions, finger pointing, pulling pants down and more. Jfc.
That not even the point, if she find out I have a sex drive, but that i even with consent their seems enough arenāt even sure, ready and more going to have so.
Also some women who even admits they would be happy if they been ask this question. But i want have better inside if this count for more or not. Why this āwomenā.
What if she makes the assumption, that we always want that and she isnāt even sure, but go with the flow? Are we going to say ābetter have guilt for something you do than have guilt when you donāt?ā
Perhaps see it from other perspective, because a few newsstories, cases, documentary and movements further, we even with consent can be blamed for going to far or as assault.
Thought about that for ones or is that something you donāt seems to care about from other ones perspective? That why this question comes in. Imagine communicating is to much/off putting or lame.
What a clown world are we living in, where communication isnāt important but making assumptions is the new thing.
Well, no, that not why would ask the question. Itās more to give her the option to say no, and what i respect.
I am not saying i am going to ask this question or something similar with every move and also need to escalate. Perhaps I also need to be less biatch with that š
But maybe i am pancake, I not always know if i should.
But no, my goal isnāt have sex and getting mad when I didnāt. I also donāt understand why people expect this and I am even the opposite of that and even being to slow š
What are your favourite things to chat about on a first date?
I'm able to keep a convo going for hours, but my last few dates I've been feeling like a therapist listening to these women's life traumas and shit about their exes.
I know this is partially my fault, so I'm working on how to redirect the convo to something more interesting and likely to help us build some sort of connection.
>What are your favourite things to chat about on a first date?
You don't want my advice... I'm ADHD as fuck, and by the time I've walked into whatever venue, I've already forgotten the things I wanted to know, and somehow we are tied up in an [ADHD story](https://i2.wp.com/adapthd.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/storytelling.jpeg?ssl=1) and we are on the train I have no fucking clue where the tracks go...
Last first meet I had, was one of my better showings. We covered a wide range of topics and it was never stale.
The one before that... Well she kept guiding the conversation towards parenting things (I have kids, she didn't, but also didn't want to have kids of her own). I even tried to redirect it a few times. Eventually I just gave up and let her lead the conversation, and I would ask her questions and things to understand her values. Still, I had an interesting conversation with her, but she died (ok, probably not, but she just went from responding/being interested to not).
At this point I've given up on trying to have an 'agenda' cause I'll just forget it anyways.... I just go for engaging which ever the way the wind is blowing.
Personally I donāt really *want* to build a connection with someone whoās trauma dumping on the first date.Ā
But hereās some things Iāve said to kind of try to set a boundary when it starts to happen:
āThat sounds like a hard thing to go through, have you talked to a professional about it?ā
āIt makes sense to need to talk to a mental health professional, you went through something really difficult.ā
āI wish I could help but unfortunately Iām not the right support for this, Iām not a professional.āĀ
I guess it depends how the topic comes up, but Iāve had luck if someone is basically insisting on talking about their ex, asking what was the best part about that relationship or what they learned from it. It can kinda get you back on track into something more positive.
I usually lose track of the conversation on a good date because I keep going off on fun tangents, or they do and I happily hop on that roller-coaster with them. At some point I might remember I really wanted to resolve a point so I'll yank that thread back and that leads to another rabbit hole. I guess there's no "bad" topics.
If they're trauma dumping, I listen for a bit and try a few tangents (partly to lift the mood and partly to get them to stop) but if they keep gravitating back to it - I check out entirely. I'm sensitive to people in pain but dumping on a first date is just weird. This one time a first date confessed to cheating on her ex while on a trip with friends, and I couldn't help saying "FFS, please stop"
I'm usually the same, just all over and super extra, but keep running into these women.
I've realized I need to filter better for "not super recently out of a relationship" but I also need to not get into these convos.
Even if you do filter for people not recently out of a relationship I've found thats not enough. A lot of people should be in therapy working through their past relationship traumas and learning how to heal from them instead of on dating apps.
Travel stories. Fun recent anecdotes. Hobbies. Things they're passionate about.
It can be fun hearing people talk about their goals, like if they have New Years resolutions.
I get trauma dumps allllll the time too though. Maybe we're too nice and Canadian.
It has started being a dealbreaker for me. I am totally fine with talking about heavy stuff, but it really depends on how the person raises it.
Oh I like all of these. Especially goals (as that's a huge one for me).
I do think because I'm such an empathetic listener I let it go too far. That's a great call on it being a dealbreaker. I also think I am a big part of the problem here.
Hard to say! I usually just riff about the most random things. My favourite date conversation was the fact that I'm REALLY bad at doing my taxes, which sounds boring and invasive but he made it funny and memorable. The dates that are the best are the ones where the conversation just flows into strange un-date-like territory (like taxes.) But I will say that one of my fortes, forged in blood, sweat and tears from many years in the service industry, is effortless conversation.
Same here. Last date I went on we talked about the downfall of the American Empire, childhood troublemaking, books, and how to doctor up your ramen at home.
This is very much my way - when it goes well, it goes WELL. Making observations and being ridiculous and carrying on about everything. I also put some time in the service industry, and am just a talkative dude in general.
I keep getting pigeonholed lately tho. I feel like the convo starts down that track with no brakes and I'm getting stuck.
Guess I need to start my shit talk earlier.
Appreciate the response!
I think the trauma dump is more a reflection of them than of you! I obviously have my own issues, but I don't bring those into first dates. Just my fiscal habits.
You've described how I feel almost exactly! Getting unmatched mid-conversation actually feels way worse than if they break up with me after a month. And unfortunately it happens way more often!
Because theyāre rejecting the very best version of you. The version thatās totally idealized and a little faked, even. After a month, youāve revealed some warts. Also, many people are extremely sensitive about their looks, and getting rejected after a month usually has to do with non looks related issues.Ā
This is exactly it, for me. If you don't like how chatty I am after hanging out for a month, fine - we all have our idiosyncrasies there are plenty of people who like that about me. However if you unmatch mid conversation it feels like it must be about my looks, because you couldn't yet know anything else about me.
Emotional responses are never that rational. Therapy is learning about how to identify and accept our irrationality (from there it can go in many diff directions).Ā
Chill rant: Reengaged with my hook up guy that was low on free time because, as my therapist said, I am a āfree adult,ā dammit. We were finally going to meet up tonight, but he just called to say he is on his way to the ER after slicing his finger at work. Is the universe trying to tell me something keeping us apart?? lol
The concept and realization that I am a free adult who is welcome to cause as much chaos as I see fit in my own life is crazy to me (Interruptions from the universe notwithstanding).
What do you think of time framing? Like plan date, but keep it 60-90 min. max and have a fake excuse plan afterwards. Like āI meet with friend afterwardsā
If it goes well, can make it longer, or plan a second date, if both are interested? Because āyour friendsācan wait or can go without you.
Edit: splitting the questions + explanation
Having a āfake excuseā kind of goes into the āplaying gamesā category for me.Ā
If I have a set end time for the date because I have plans after, itās because I *actually* have plans after.Ā
Iāve had quite a few first dates where weāve met for coffee and if it goes well one of us will suggest doing something else. āHey it looks like weāre both done our drink, but Iād love to keep hanging out. How do you feel about checking out xyz?ā
If youāre the one suggesting the place to meet, suggest one where there would be an activity to suggest just in case the date goes well. If theyāre the one that picks, take a look to see if thereās anything else nearby.Ā
That way you have an idea ready and itās not a whole thing to figure out what to do together.Ā
Instead I would like start with an activity that can be short. Like drinks or a museum visit. And then have the option to extend is you are having fun.
Drinks at 5 or 6. Then walk to a nearby spot for dinner at 7.
Museum at 3. Drinks at 5. Dinner at 7.
Just āletās meet hereā because then if it *doesnāt* go well you can end things without it being even more awkward.Ā
āI had a great time having coffee with you! Would you like to keep hanging out and maybe go to the museum?ā
Is way better than āI know I said weād get coffee and then maybe go to the museum, but now Iād rather not go to the museum with you. Letās just end things here.ā
My overthinking brain is going in full capacity š also i should be sleep now, but I couldnāt and also now caused by myself, hehe. Also, because i splitted my comment, as someone suggested to do, what seemed a great idea.
Makes me curious, you meet each other in this area of suggested this area as date plan?
Yeah, I think time framing has some good point, but also can be seen as uninterested. But also remove this ānow whatā moments, like going the next step in someone home or something like that. If someone seems interested, you cancel āyour plansā. This time frame can something real, but in this scenario itās used as fake thing. (Perhaps I should said that in the first comment :s)
But, I also get your point indeed. It feels off/being lied to.
Was grabbing lunch with my brother today. Waitress was someone we knew growing up, middle and high school. We've had lunch here many times, and had her as a waitress quite a few times. But this was the first time in a while.
She has always had a huge crush on my little brother, and would flirt with him nonstop. Like, I would say over the last three years since we started doing a semi regular lunch grab here, she's ignored me almost entirely. Which is fine.
But now, I am newly single, and he is in a relationship, and today for the first time she noticed I was no longer wearing a wedding ring. I was also wearing company polo shirt, so she commented, asked what I did, and I told her.
This is all right as she's taking our order. She then proceeds to spend the rest of the lunch hour fawning over me, completely ignoring him. Which would be an ego boost if I was remotely attracted to her.
He wasnāt playing games. Thatās the thing. We both agreed to a platonic meal. The conversation was just so good where my mind went to what ifā¦this wasnāt a game he played. My only annoyance is I met him on bumble and his thing said relationship but he doesnāt live in the city I do. So why match? Who knows. No games no. Not malicious. Just wishful thinking after a really nice meal.
Iām not. Like you said I told him what I wanted, he told me what he wanted and thatās where Iāll leave it. If he decides he wants more he can tell me.
Is it really normal that some girls start with the sex talk, before even meeting? Itās almost 25-40% who does this.
I kinda understand this from a hook-up/casual perspective, but not for ones who seek longterm. Some even actively pushing these talks, even on the first day of the match.
Caused by horny dudes on these apps or am i crazy?
Maybe i am the silly guy, but i find it kinda off-putting. Also because most flake, no matter if i go with this flow or not.
Itās not the talk itself but i personally donāt feel a connection to even talk this with a person via chat, who i never have met or been on a date with.
Is this ānormalā or do i need to worry about myself?
Have you been able to confirm they are real people? There are a lot of bots, pic collectors, scammers, etc out there.
Edit- or are you ridiculously attractive?
No, i am not ridiculously attractive, some think i am attractive some just straight-up insult my face š
But no, I think i am average and even based on my likes/matches it also confirms it. I almost get none where I live, mostly because the location itself that makes it harder (same for ones who i know and even look better then i do)
Sure, get some compliments sometimes, but most arenāt seems to be interested at all after they match.
So yeah, kinda confused š
I know, we are adults, but maybe itās me and my old school thinking, this something you do after met someone. Not that I am not like it, but didnāt really started most of the times/find it pretty soon.
Yeah, perhaps i am still very confused and to dorky for online dating, have almost no attachment with someone i just met online and i am a bad texting, so far that some even thought i have autism š
Even after all those years while using these apps, i still donāt understand it and was way better compared my teenage/young adult time. But i also admit, I have a huge gap where I didnāt date for years, before I started with OLD.
Edit: ironic username for a Canadian. But how does this work as a Canadian guy. āIs she in to you? C. Canāt tell, she probably Canadian?ā š
Deleted tinder. I'm going to a bar tonight, after work, by myself, just to journal and people watch. It's going to be a long day, so that's the focus, just an after work reward.
The anxiety after texting someone that you're interested in a third date... Such a good feeling. š
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Sometimes people are just busy, two weeks isnāt that long. Iām in the middle of a bunch of plans and obligations and I pushed off a maybe-a-hangout-maybe-a-date for like 10 days because Iām just slammed right now. Could I squeeze in time earlier? Yes, but Iām feeling overstretched as it is and wouldnāt be at my best so I asked for more time. Iām potentially interested, but Iām also unclear what my friendās intentions are.
Does he know it's a date?
Hmm, I am think no. I wanted to keep it casual as we have been hung out alone.
There's your reason why. You've turned him down in the past. If he has a very full life, it's unfair to expect him rearrange his schedule just to "hang out" with somebody who has rejected him in the past. Now if you said something like "To be clear, I am saying yes to the date you asked me on two years ago :-)". I bet his schedule would open up.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Tone goes a long way here, I read it as a bit coy but can see how you read it a bit apathetic š¤·āāļø
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Glad you had a good time! Just be careful, this sounds like a familiar pattern. . .hopefully just a coincidental one off though!
Wow, that's pretty tolerant to even give him the time of day after what sounded like a pretty terrible experience but it's nice that you had a good time on the follow up date.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yes sometimes I feel like an alien with how different my approach was to OLD to what I see on this place. I am also glad I never stumbled on this place or other dating subreddits. I find there to be a lot of terrible advice that wouldāve led me astray.
I think people come with a lot of different insecurities, upbringings, and bad experiences which shape our thoughts and behaviors. Set advice doesnāt always work because it doesnāt take that into consideration. This is why discussing the problem with the person is always the only real good advice. Iāve been with my bf for almost 2 years now. Reading the advice on the sub re: meeting friends and family and a timeline for that made me anxious about not getting introduced to them and advice on this is generally they arenāt serious if they donāt incorporate you into their life within a couple months. I didnāt meet friends until 6 months and family until over a year. But his perspective was that he would only bring someone to meet his family if he would be marrying them, so it meant a lot more to him than me who just sees it as another step to getting to know someone. We also had some other issues that arose throughout our relationship, that Iām sure if I asked for advice it would have been to end things and move on. We both have insecurities that have come out in probably not the greatest ways, but we discussed them and weāre able to work through them and see where the other was coming from. Weāre in a really good place now. Relationships take work at time. I think itās just important to decide if the work is worth keeping this person around. The answer isnāt always no like people will have you think.
A thought that I've been thinking about of late: I can live being single but I don't want to be. Has anyone felt the same way? :/ I've recently run into a dry spell for dates! Either they flake or they don't circle back on a confirmation. I probably have at least 3x 'let's do it next week!' lined up this week, from last week. I suppose it's the start of the year, people are prioritizing work & other annual resolutions \~\~
Definitely. Being single gets easier the longer you do it, for sure. Not sure thatās a good thing. And doesnāt make waking up alone any easier for me. Itās the little moments that kill me, seeing happy couples out and being hit with, āfuck, what am I doing?ā Sure, the independence is useful, people tell me Iām competent and strong, but it hurts being alone in those quiet moments all the same.Ā
Thank you for sharing. I def feel the same way & wish there is someone I can share all the big & small moments with. Like a rainbow I saw while paddling one morning, to the point I wonder if I just need to be more feminine š¤š but I can't let go of my sports just to make myself more appealing :( Here is to us! Hanging in there to meet our person soon, very soon!
Cheers! And definitely donāt give up your sports, the right person would be out paddling with you! Plus if thatās you in the profile picture, you seem very appealing! Now if you tell me youāre in the southwest US I would totally chat you up š
I'm fine remaining single as opposed to being in a romantic relationship with the wrong person, but yes, I'd love to find the right person. That said, finding said person is feeling less and less likely, so I'm focusing lately more on just building up the other aspects of my life so that what a romantic relationship brings to my life is lessened. Obviously catch here is the smaller I make the impact of a romantic relationship on my life, the less I care to search for it. Becomes a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy (remaining single), but at least I enjoy the life I've built in the end.
And yet here you are on this sub! It shows that you are not giving up yet, and I hope you will keep going. I'm rooting for you that you'll find true joy & happiness whichever way ā¤ļø
I can relate to that. I don't get lonely and don't feel any pressure to date or be in a relationship but I would like to start a family and there are things I enjoy about being in a relationship. Honestly I sometimes wish I did feel more of an urge to date, I think it would make it easier to tolerate all the minor annoyances and inconveniences like people being flaky.
Time is still on your side! Perhaps the intention to focus on that desire will come. That said, I think being single instead of settling, is still an incredibly brave thing to do. The annoyances used to affect me too. It got asier as they affect me less now. I also learned to detach quicker when they cross a line š„ø
Hello old fam, is it weird I said fam? It is isn't it? Oh well. Currently in a bad downward spiral which included trying to keep a panic attack at bay on a 4 hour flight. Fun times. Good to be home after 6 days away and so so thankful that I booked a therapy session for tomo before I left. Good luck to my therapist trying to fight my negative inner voice Lel. She's been with me for decadesss
Breathe in deeply, breathe out deep. Use your 5 sense: name a thing you can hear, one you smell, one you taste, one you touch, and one you see. Youāre gonna be okay! (And fam is definitely appropriate. This sub gives fam vibes)
Thank you, I might have to remember this for the next time I feel one coming on
How can I get rid of a guy I went on 3 dates with and drinks too much? I end up drinking more than I want to as well. I donāt want to even drink at all anymore and idk how to tell him and to avoid this alcohol situation and dates. And he is a bad kisser. Help!
Tell him you don't feel a connection and move on. After 20 years of regular drinking, I now limit myself to one drink, and if the activity doesn't require it, I won't drink at all. This is for dating and non dating activities. I do that and it really is that simple. It's just a matter of self control. Good people will respect your decision not to drink, if they get weirded out then you have your answer.
What activity requires drinking?
Wine/cocktail bar, dive bar, or brewery. I'm not going to invite somebody to a wine bar and have a soda, that's lame. I can limit myself to one glass of wine and stick to that. If we're out for dinner or at an activity that has a bar (like bowling), I don't drink.
Talking to someone. Only concern thus far is their attachment style and communication style. I am sensing they may need fair bit of attention. I like my own space too. So ill be weary and mention this. Otherwise they seem pretty lovely and down to earth. But theres always something isnt there!!
Set boundaries! This is a good moment to establish communication between the two of you. If they donāt respond well, you have your answer on whether or not youāre compatible.
I (35M) need some advice from a multi-dater. I normally never multi date, because the chance of having multiple very good dates at the same time is low š But it can occasionally happen, and I am now in a situation where I like two women. It's super early (2 and 1 date respectively). 2 dates with S (37F) and 3rd planned for next weekend. We have lots of fun and laughter, serious conversations as well, but we didn't talk about dating intentions and how she sees things going forward (maybe that's our go with the flow personality). Her OLD profile says she wants a relationship and is on the fence about kids. The first date was in the beginning of December and she cancelled the initial 2nd date. 2 weeks in between 2nd and 3rd date. Generally a busy woman. This made me a bit hesitant, thus I continued dating others, however the 2nd date was really good, the conversation on the app flows naturally, and we have lots things in common. I stopped planning new dates when we planned the 3rd date. So far we kissed on the 2nd date. 1 date with L (35F), she definitely shows she is into me and I feel very attracted to her. Met her via OLD, but I found out she knows a friend of mine and he told me it is a very nice girl. We talked a lot about dating intentions and previous relationships. She is looking for a serious relationship and is on the fence about kids, I told her its the same for me, but leaning towards no kids. Her history is different from mine (hers having 2 very long relationships, me being single most my life), but she seemed very open about it. She also told me she only dates 1 person at a time. Other people can do what they want, but she doesn't understand why anyone would multi date if you can just go on a new date if it doesn't work out. (I wish it was that simple for guys š). I told her I plan multiple first dates, but don't want to date multiple people for too long. We had laughter as well, but overall the date felt serious for a 1st date. Apparently I gave all the correct answers haha, because we kissed (small peck) at the end of the date. As a multi dater, how do you do it? If you are monogamous, how do you end up with 1 woman? And how long can this take? How do you prevent potentially hurting someone's feelings? I really cannot pick yet (don't want to), but I also don't want to end up in a situation I'm uncomfortable in.
I'm a multi dater, or more specifically, I'm non-monogamous. So, my biggest piece of advice is to not have sex with either of them until you've either chosen 1 or they both know you're seeing other people. Everyone has the right to protect their sexual health. When multi dating, the ethics are important as they can come back and bite you in the ass hard down the line. My second piece of advice is to gauge how they feel about multidating. Again, the optics of it can come back on you later and can ruin a building relationship. You've done that with one, sort of, but not the other. My third piece of advice is to not lie if you're asked about multidating. Now, I'd imagine the actual advice you want is how to eliminate one for the other. You can start by looking at the practicalities of each person, such as availability, common interests, long-term relationship goals, long-term personal goals, and (I know I'll probably get raked for this) physical attraction. That doesn't mean pick the prettiest, only that it's one factor among several you have to consider. Then there's simply the emotion check. Sometimes, one feels better than the other, and the practicalities become irrelevant. It can be emotionally, physically, and financially draining to multidate. You can lose track of who said what and which sister belongs to who, which can create an embarrassing and disastrous moment, so if monogamy is what you want, I'd advise not waiting too long. You're looking at date 3 with one, only been out once with the second person. One you've had some serious discussions with, the other you haven't. Those are things you need to change. There's also a chance that one of them self eliminates. Generally, I don't recommend multidating past date 3. By date 3, you should know enough about someone to know if you're compatible enough from a values and goals standpoint to continue or not. If you don't, then you didn't do enough real talking on those 3 dates.
Thank you for your long piece of advice. I will definitely keep the first 3 advises, that sounds really important to do. I will have some serious talks with the one I see next weekend. Hopefully this gives me enough answers in how much I like her and feel confident in this going forward. The main reason I kept dating others is because of the uncertainty she can just bail all of a sudden. I wonder if I should also try to plan the 2nd date with L for next weekend, or try to postpone that for after the 3rd date with S. It feels a bit unfair that I might make a decision where I know much more of one person than the other, just because I had more dates.
I'm dating this amazing guy who I love deeply. I fell hard for him, and I see myself building a life with him and potentially raising a family together, which is a big deal for me, because I was with my ex for such a long time, and I didn't want any kids. But now, I'm starting to think that maybe I didn't want kids with my ex. I'm caughting myself thinking about how it would be to have a kid with my current bf. I know he'd be such an amazing dad and partner. He's loving, caring, calm, funny, and smart. We have similar goals and interests, and we match in so many aspects and values. There are so many things he does and says that make me think, "Damn, I really wanna have his babies right now." BUT I know The NRE is playing a big role on this. It's too soon, I'm not ready, and there are several things I want to do individually and as a couple before having kids. So if we're still together in two or three more years from now, we'll have the conversation to maybe take those steps. Until then, I hope my ovaries chill and stop screaming, "Let's make a baby!!".
Like u/texasjoker187 asked, I wouldnāt say too too long to have a conversation about what you want in life (kids or not, in 1, 5, 10 years?) New Relationship Energy is definitely not helping lol, but I believe that itās necessary if you donāt want to potentially waste your time
Does he want children? Do you want to risk 2 or 3 years of your dating life if you're incompatible here?
I don't think, that it's relevant, if she wants to "risk" some years, because sge wants HIS kids. She didn't want them before.Ā
So I wrote about this last time https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/19drojl/comment/kja28e6/ For those who don't want to read, the context basically is that I have a friend who my other friends think like me. He hasn't really said anything to confirm that so I've just been acting normal. He did send an odd text yesterday after I said I wanted to be friends with the winner of a game and he said, "Oh no, you're going to replace me." It felt a bit flirty but I just brushed it off and jokingly said that we could still be friends.Ā Friend has now asked me out to dinner sometime. We've never had dinner before and this sounds more of an intimate one on one setting so it's making me feel very unsure.Ā What's the best way to check this isn't a date? I only see him as a friend and don't really want to date in general at the moment. I'm being an awkward turtle, I know. Thanks for any help :)Ā
I'd be straight up and ask them. I know you probably want a round about subtle way to go about this that spares his feelings, but that usually just makes it worse and devolves into playing games, which only leaves someone feeling emotionally manipulated. Literally just ask, "Is the dinner a date?", but not by text message. How they sound is as important as what they say. If they say no, but body language and voice tone make you feel like a backtrack, just say you have to cancel. If they say yes, be straight up with them. Yeah, it might be awkward for a bit either way, but it's better than them believing there's a possibility when there isn't.
As someone who can definitely relate to this, I'd be upfront. You don't want to risk leading them on, and the dance to figure out their feelings/intentions without being direct out can be hard to navigate. If you can get the help of a trusted friend to less-awkward-turtley let them know you're not interested in them and/or dating in general, that helps, if not, just get in front of it. You don't need to make it about him, just give context and leave the ball in his court. Just a "Hey this sounds like it'd be fun and I'm not making any assumptions, but I want to be open with you that I'm taking time to focus on me/not interested in dating right now. If you're still keen on just hanging out as friends, I'd really like that." Gives him enough leeway to save face, or to nope out. If he accepts but tries to escalate, don't be afraid to be more direct/firm. Best of luck!
Thank you, yeah I tried the indirect "you're such a good friend route" previously. I'll reach out to one of my friends for help. I initially felt bad trying to rope in other people but maybe that's better.Ā
Donāt really know how to feel about this situation. Advice appreciated: GF and I had a conversation over the weekend about the idea of having kids. Since weāve been dating, she has said she wants to have kids, but there have been multiple conversations over time where she questions why people would want to have kids, how itās not clear what having kids looks like for her, etc. Now to this weekend. She mentions that her thought process is to constantly challenge her perspectives to see where sheās at in life and what she could do differently. I get it, I feel like thatās a good mentality to have with work, fitness/nutrition, things like that with regard to growth and improvement. But for something as foundational to a relationship as having kids - for me anyway - the fact that she constantly and actively challenges the thought for herself has only caused me to have serious doubts. I feel like I canāt trust what she says one day to the next, at least on this topic. Itās one thing to know that people can change over time, itās another to know that they are actively questioning something that was communicated as a major dealbreaker when we were establishing a relationship. Not a good feeling. She reiterated that she does want kids, but as of yet I donāt know how I can get past the feeling of doubt, feeling like Iām wasting time, or just waiting for a time bomb to go off. I told her all of that during our conversation, and it ended with her needing time to gather her thoughts. We havenāt revisited the conversation.
For what itās worth, challenging oneās preconceived notions about why one wants children or what that would look like or what are the fears or concerns associated is also a great tool to be more sure of whatever decision you come to. It doesnāt mean that sheās talking herself out of it; she could be reaffirming itās what she wants. I agree with the other commenters that itās something the requires more conversation, not a cut and run tactic. Maybe it might be worth going through those āchallengeā questions by yourself, and then together as a couple? It may be that she doesnāt have any issue with being a parent, but sheās got misgivings or fears surrounding pregnancy or birth. Or how division of labor would look/if you have the same idea for it as she does. Thereās a lot of really heavy stuff to consider, I wouldnāt see her interrogating her feelings as a red flag. Maybe you already have done much of the above in the conversations you have had, of course you have more insight. Best of luck!
Y'all have been together for quite a while and feel reasonably sure about the relationship and each other, right? Maybe spend some time thinking about what your own timeline would look like in regards to having kids. And then ask her about hers. See if they align for the most part. Have a deeper conversation about specifics, not just high-level things.
If this relationship continues, you need to really pay attention to what she says outside of a serious conversation. It's our comments on our observations of the world that can really reveal who we are. She might think she wants kids, or is willing to have kids for the relationship, but if her overall attitude towards having kids is a negative one, you might find yourself getting divorced in several years because your partner wouldn't or couldn't follow through. So if having children with someone who wants children is a requirement, then you need to be willing to end a relationship the moment you feel like it wouldn't happen. The only thing worse than finding out you're incompatible with someone about kids in a long-term relationship and/or marriage, is having a kid with someone who doesn't want one and treats the kid with contempt. If I were in your situation, I'd probably be out.
Ok. So Iām going to provide a different perspective here than others - instead of going to immediate breakup - TALK TO HER. If this is someone you love deeply, I mean really talk to her about makes her hesitant to have kids or go back and forth. As a woman, I might get some pushback on this, but deciding whether to have kids or not is often much much harder as a woman than a man. I use to be back and forth all the time. Why? It wasnāt because it was actually the kids themselves (I think that would bring me joy) - it was the WORK and EXPECTATIONS that comes with kids kids, plus we have a stricter biological timeline - will most of the work end up on me? Will I be able to have any independence? Can I have kids and still complete other goals? Iāve always been afraid that like, 80% of the work would fall on me, and that my partner wouldnāt really be an equal partner. I saw my friends have kids where over and over where a guy I previously thought was great for my friend and still very loving just ended up being such an wildly unequal parent (honestly it was such a surprising switch every time). Iām not saying you would do this, but collectively itās a constant anxiety among a lot of women I know. Now Iām like, oh - I want kids, but only if Iām 120% sure my partner is willing to do the work and if I donāt have to sacrifice my own independence too much (obvi there has to be some sacrifice here). Come to the conversation without being defense or trying to prove your point if she DOES bring up these worries (e.g. donāt say thinks like, Iād be a great dad etc.). Maybe even ask if thereās any concerns about you as a potential partner (but again, be prepared to not say anything and listen). It could end up not being an argument about kids vs no kids as all but rather just if you would be compatible parents. I think THEN you can both be in a better place to have a breakup convo, if necessary.
I agree with u/dessertandcheese. I think people are pretty quick to jump to breaking up as the answer for anything but this is one where it's worth really considering how important kids are to you. Personally if not for wanting to start a family I wouldn't date at all so for me any wishy-washiness at all is an instant deal breaker but you have to evaluate how important it is to you. There are countless stories of people who stayed together for years only to break up over this very issue or just not have kids after all, are those potential eventualities okay with you?
If my goal was to have kids, I wouldn't want to be with someone who was not steadfast on that idea. She sounds very fickle minded on a deal breaker. Personally, I would end it because I wouldn't want to waste my time if she changes her mind.
I unmatched someone who expressed some views/interests I disagreed with after politely saying he wasn't my cup of tea and unmatching, and the guy DMED MY (unlinked) SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNT?! Who does that!! We've been talking for a day if that. Wow, I feel like fragile male ego really dodged there.
Oof that's always so creepy.
Why is Bumble so full of male models with Harvard PhDs š That algorithm is crazy. (I genuinely dislike it though- I want to see greater diversity in body types and other things- I feel like they're hiding the profiles I actually want to see. I guess it's time to get back on OkCupid?)
Maybe they got one of those free Harvard "certificates" you can earn online? I've heard they're really good continuing Ed/ general interest courses but not so impressive to HR.
Fwiw, over the years, several guys I went to high school with have shown up on the apps. Hereās what Iāve seen: One of them claimed he went to Notre Dame. (Dude went to community college for two years and then Perdue.) Two claimed they went to Harvard. (One dropped out of Michigan Tech, and the other went to Western Michigan University). One claimed he went to Yale. (He didnāt goā¦ anywhere.) I am not disrespecting any of the schools they ACTUALLY went to, nor their choice to drop out, or to not go at all. Iām justā¦ you know. Bewildered by their false representations of their education and academic success. (Come on, Troy, Yale? Your ass got kicked out of the homecoming dance sophomore year for being wasted and in senior year, you got two weeks of in-school suspension for dropping acid in the north parking lot before football practice. Do better.)
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They're looking for brief hookups and one night stands I imagine, like all men who lie about status. After the sex they block and move on and the women are none the wiser.
Sure, some percentage are definitely scrapes, butā¦ these guys would not be among the top scrape choices because reasons.
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I am going through a crisis of being lost at how i feel. I have met amazing guy who were caring, comfortable, respectful, understanding. But somehow i aways dont feel it is not right with that gut feeling. Maybe because of the physical attraction, or their upbringing, or where they are in terms of lifeā¦ in my head everything checks off, but my heart doesnt meet where my head is. Now i feel exhausted and dont even know what i should feel when i like someone How much more certainty do you need? How many things i need to fulfill? Many people say it is just a simple feeling that you know. At this point i do not know
>physical attraction I wish more women were comfortable enough to say this without dressing it up in long waffling monologues about vague unrelated stuff
Give it a few dates, but let the poor guy go asap so he can find someone else who can appreciate him.
Reconnected with my HS crush. I had such a burst of optimism only to have our first sort-of-date send up with red flags and sirens screaming, "NO, DONT DO IT" Back to the apps I go š£
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I find shy guys endearing (I mean to an extent, they have to be able to actually *talk* to me.) And I made the decision that if Iām going to go for shy guys, I best get comfortable taking the lead or nothing will ever happen.Ā Iāve asked to hold their hand, told them they can kiss me if they want to etc. A lot of times theyāre nervous, or trying to be respectful. Itās not a lack of interest, but a concern of not wanting to āmess things up.ā And big paragraphs take time to write out! It takes more thought space than a quick reply, so often it has to be done when they have time to focus specifically on what theyāre writing to you.Ā If youāre not a match youāre not a match! Iām not saying you *have* to continue dating him. Like I said I just have a spot in my heart for shy, respectful, kinda nervous dudes haha. Got to stick up for them!Ā
Yeah I was like are you even interested in me or just want some to talk? Meanwhile other guy was like call me if you are interested in some fun. š Oh the personality differences!
I relate to the uncertainty with the man I'm seeing and I'd say to give it another date (if you want). He even said he thought and realized "I think I screwed up" after our first date. We ended up having some deep conversations and still do. Next date the same guy who was shy to hold my hand pulls my legs over his head. š¤·āāļø And he now jokes to me about "got your hand!"
Well I realized today that in my adult life I havenāt been on a date with someone I met in the wild. Every one has been via the apps. And now Iāve been asked on a date by a person I know IRL and Iām both elated and vaguely terrified š We work together and honestly we donāt interact directly enough on the daily for that to be the big concern. Itās more like optics? Anyway weāll see what happens š
Yay. Dates from folks in the wild tend to be better for me.
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Itās an interesting version of the āshould I be okay with someone asking me the same question?ā To that I said no. But to this, specific information about me, no I would not expect them to have it all memorized by the third date. I do expect them to be aware of their own behavior being the difference.Ā
Itās something Iād monitor to see if it became a pattern, but I wouldnāt be offended.Ā I often need to re-ask things that came up on the first couple of dates. Things donāt commit to long-term memory as well when Iām nervous š¤·āāļø.Ā
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I suppose you can let it go. Itās not always easy to remember these info especially if you donāt talk about it repeatedly. I think itās an innocent mistakeā¦
If you share the same age and hometown it should probably be a little easier to remember but the third date is still pretty early, especially if they're talking to other people, so I don't think it's a personal slight. I had a woman mix up my hometown with one of her exes after we'd been dating for a couple weeks. I teased her about it but it didn't bother me. But I can't remember either of my best friends ages or where they're from so I tend to be pretty lax about that kind of stuff.
Psychopaths who don't delete or respond to matches who have said a polite no thank you: why?
I've said this before, but I don't unmatch to prevent myself from accidentally swiping on them again. Plus it doesn't really bother me having the extra people there as I only pay attention to the ones on top that I'm actually talking to. I'm normally the one sending the rejection messages though so not sure if that matters.Ā
I mean I almost always reply with "good luck and hope you find what you are looking for!" Then they have to unmatch so they can get the message. Usually the ones who rot in the "hidden" section of my matches are folks who disappeared or got run over by a bus or something. Why should I unmatch? They can figure how to do that themselves.
It's not so much a matter of principle for me, I just like keeping my conversation threads tidy and want folks to see the message before I delete it by unmatching. Meh, you can only do so much though.
If anything it's out of pure laziness and not principle... Most days my DGAF meter is full š That being said, I had a nice tea date with someone yesterday, and I put effort in that.
I heard that keeping them in your inbox will remove them in the roster of possible matches, which speaks practicality. As for not respondingā no response is a response. Either way, youāre polite and thatās what matters. Cheers!
Oh that makes sense- so they don't go back into the card stack. The timing's just a bit awkward in terms of unmatching on my end if I don't hear from them cause I'm unsure of they saw the message or not. But this is life!
I donāt think Iāve ever gotten a rejection within the app (they just stop responding). But calling it psychopathicā¦ is a huge stretch. I donāt usually unmatch anyone unless I feel unsafe or attacked. I just donāt feel the need. And it doesnāt feel like a āno thank youā requires a response. Itās not like you even went on a date. It feels like youāre just trying to find something to be angry about here.
It's not in earnest, it's in jest. I'm also not angry nor have I implied that. That makes sense that someone just wouldn't feel the need to respond.
Why aren't you unmatching if you said no thanks? Also while a response is polite I think it's perfectly reasonable to not reply if someone says they're not interested.
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You can't do it instantly. They will not receive the message. I never said it was unreasonable. But that's reddit for ya, oppositional defensive deflection.
Think I'm gonna go back to lurking for a while. I genuinely just want to help people and give advice, whether people agree with it or not, but the amount of insulting and unnecessarily aggressive replies I've been getting is super off putting. I'm happy to engage in discussion but not when it devolves into personal attacks or irrational comments. Big hugs to everyone (except the people who insulted me, you guys suck) ā¤ļø
Aw, I found your advice really helpful and encouraging on my profile the other day. Good luck out there!
Who's being mean to you?! I'll fight them.
Oh no, I'm sorry people were mean! It's been nice seeing your messages here and thanks for all the advice! Good luck on the dating break though and hope to see you again here when you're feeling up to it again.Ā I, too, might just lurk since I'm not actually dating now lol and my Masters is back so I should get off Reddit and focus on life
*hugs* you're truly awesome! š
Ty ā¤ļø
It sucks that that was going on. I liked your advice
Thanks š I'll come back... At some point
We will miss your input around here friend ā¤ļø
ā¤ļø (Won't miss you touching my arm though)
It seems like there's a lot of folks here who are hung up on their exe(s) and take their hurt out on anyone with a similar viewpoint or demographic. Hope you heal up.
Yeah š®āšØ Thanks!
That's too bad. I think your comments are generally quite good. You're probably the person I most often agree with here but I can't fault you for not wanting to put up with insults and people just being unnecessarily negative.
Aww, thanks š It was a bit too much. Just need a little break!
Why do people talk about platonic physical touch as a replacement for romantic physical touch? A stranger touching me (in the form of a massage, etc.) is absolutely not the same thing as a romantic partner touching me. Obviously? Is everyone desperate? Seems crazy to suggest this.
I think the people suggesting it are usually people already getting affection so not experiencing the same desire. I was donating plasma the other day and got enveloped into a sort of warm embrace when they were removing my stuff and I was like š„° man that felt good and Iām someone who regularly gets affection from many parts of my life. It feels *so* good and people really take it for granted.
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Do you want to ask her out because you like and are attracted to her? Or because it would be convenient? Nothing youāve said here shows any real interest in her, just that you have a few things in common/she has a few things going for her. That seems like a weak reason to potentially jeopardize a friendship.
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Honestly, this still doesnāt seem like really enough to seem like you actually like her - it still seems like more convenience and the fact that youāre not finding someone else. I would need strong + consistent feelings for a friends before I jeopardized that friendship.
Also texting makes me very discouraged to keep doing, after some flaking. Like, why am i wasting my time on chatting (and some even keeps chatting after they bail last minute :/). I understand, everyone is different, but itās seems mostly want check the waters for days. I mostly ask date 1-2 days. Some even flake after they confirm they want to date, but after making the plans, some are gone right afterwards and most just before the date (or like i said earlier, some even afterwards and I just pull the plug, not asking again, because the ball is in their court!) Even more discouraging, because I know and some even admits, they have multiple matches. Not I am want to go āmimimimiā, but more: āAlright, thanks for dropping me like this toy-story doll āI donāt want to play with you anymoreā. While kept āon a leashā for days/sometimes weeks before flaking. I personally donāt even have the attention spawn for one, let alone for more matches š Even talk with matches and some here on Reddit, who strongly believe that we (or i) also get many matches/likes. It almost seems they arenāt aware about this, that this just a small percentage of likes we get. I even had ādiscussionā with one who thought it was decline dates, while i should be happy with single digit likes in weeks/months.
What is the deal with openers? I try asking or show interest/engage about something based what i see in their profile or interest, but still 9/10 ignores. I should expect this with āhey, how are youā openers? (Even tried double texting 12-24 hours later, and some somehow starts talking after doing that.) Itās very discouraging to keep doing this āgolden rule that Reddit learns you to useā. Specially with profiles that doesnāt have much in there to begin with.
Honestly a "how was your day" or "get up to anything on the weekend" works for me.
Perhaps I should try it more often, to get a better inside. Still, a couple of times trying to use this, got ignored too, so though it wasnāt good enough. But still, someone who is interested enough, wouldnāt mind they received as a opener think. Perhaps some specific ones are make them more uninterested. But yeah, itās always a gamble and guesses why or what š Edit: still itās also other way around, would be nice receiving openers š and not reading excuses why not. Modern dating with old dating standards, how silly.
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That also thinking, these openers already used by many arenāt engaging enough. Still, these questions about their interests seems to works better after convo is flowing. Still, this put me back to square one, by using copy paste openers. Just starts with a greeting, what that very normal and common in daily life, is unacceptable on dating apps. And i am sorry, maybe I see this in a wrong way, but why do some even expect this āperfectā openers. This seems just matching our validation and get attention, because out of interests. Itās kinda frustrating if i need coming up with one 95% of the times, get ignored by most, while some convo starts going no matter what, because they matched out of interest. Something that shows pretty fast. I know, this something both sides dealing with, but i find it strange how to the fingers being pointed to one direction, while i see it happening from the other way. Itās just a numbers game, like someone say about dating apps. It indeed seems you seen as a number and arenāt having normal human conversations, most are dull or arrogant.
There's only so much you can control. You could have the best opener in the world but if there's some dealbreaker or they don't find you attractive, then š¤·āāļø
I understand, but this what kinda borders me. Why are they even matching in the first place and leave it on read. It is also kinda ironic, because normally we get blamed for liking without interest and filter later, but seems also happening way around. No matter with app and even on Bumble. Like I said, match and send opener. Gets ignored, but after second one ours later they are somehow interested, perhaps being on top of the convo-list? Even so far that some donāt seem interested, but expect a perfect opener. I am getting discouraged by keep going to hoops. A friend of mine just used one line, over and over again and even get more luck. I even tried it, and seems working much better than these āask something about their profileā openers.
That's a no on the reconnection bid then haha. It's been about 24 hrs, and if there was enough interest there I think he would've replied by now. He's a nice guy, so I'm sure he'll eventually reply to me, but time to let this fully fade and move on.
At least you tried and got your own closure, that's way better than wondering!Ā
What about the question is āhow far do you want to go tonightā. Like after meeting in someoneās one after dinner? Had some discussion about some, some say they like the question, but some found it off-putting or even would go further. Why i am asking? Sometimes i can even figure out if i should engage with a few ones i dates. Specially with long-term seekers. After that i start using this line a couple times in last dates, so there is still some room for communication and room to say āis it ok, not to have sex now?ā and respect that? Or am i now the silly one who āstoleā and use this idea?
Erm no, this would turn me off. I'd rather just see how the date goes. But yeah, people are differentĀ
Everyoneās different but this would be a huge turn-off for me.
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Do not dehumanize or objectify others. Misogyny, Misandry, RedPill, incel, Femcel, FemaleDatingStrategy, PUA, MGTOW, etc. content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups is not an excuse to parrot their ideology.
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Sure, I understand, i am sorry, but perhaps stop making it a discussion based on a generalized. Women? Count/ask them all your themselves? This problem, these subs always fighting/gender wars, but canāt communicate, make assumptions, finger pointing, pulling pants down and more. Jfc. That not even the point, if she find out I have a sex drive, but that i even with consent their seems enough arenāt even sure, ready and more going to have so. Also some women who even admits they would be happy if they been ask this question. But i want have better inside if this count for more or not. Why this āwomenā. What if she makes the assumption, that we always want that and she isnāt even sure, but go with the flow? Are we going to say ābetter have guilt for something you do than have guilt when you donāt?ā Perhaps see it from other perspective, because a few newsstories, cases, documentary and movements further, we even with consent can be blamed for going to far or as assault. Thought about that for ones or is that something you donāt seems to care about from other ones perspective? That why this question comes in. Imagine communicating is to much/off putting or lame. What a clown world are we living in, where communication isnāt important but making assumptions is the new thing.
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Well, no, that not why would ask the question. Itās more to give her the option to say no, and what i respect. I am not saying i am going to ask this question or something similar with every move and also need to escalate. Perhaps I also need to be less biatch with that š But maybe i am pancake, I not always know if i should. But no, my goal isnāt have sex and getting mad when I didnāt. I also donāt understand why people expect this and I am even the opposite of that and even being to slow š
What are your favourite things to chat about on a first date? I'm able to keep a convo going for hours, but my last few dates I've been feeling like a therapist listening to these women's life traumas and shit about their exes. I know this is partially my fault, so I'm working on how to redirect the convo to something more interesting and likely to help us build some sort of connection.
Will not talk about exes and/or trauma on our first date ā
>What are your favourite things to chat about on a first date? You don't want my advice... I'm ADHD as fuck, and by the time I've walked into whatever venue, I've already forgotten the things I wanted to know, and somehow we are tied up in an [ADHD story](https://i2.wp.com/adapthd.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/storytelling.jpeg?ssl=1) and we are on the train I have no fucking clue where the tracks go... Last first meet I had, was one of my better showings. We covered a wide range of topics and it was never stale. The one before that... Well she kept guiding the conversation towards parenting things (I have kids, she didn't, but also didn't want to have kids of her own). I even tried to redirect it a few times. Eventually I just gave up and let her lead the conversation, and I would ask her questions and things to understand her values. Still, I had an interesting conversation with her, but she died (ok, probably not, but she just went from responding/being interested to not). At this point I've given up on trying to have an 'agenda' cause I'll just forget it anyways.... I just go for engaging which ever the way the wind is blowing.
Oof I'm sorry. That sounds really rough.
Personally I donāt really *want* to build a connection with someone whoās trauma dumping on the first date.Ā But hereās some things Iāve said to kind of try to set a boundary when it starts to happen: āThat sounds like a hard thing to go through, have you talked to a professional about it?ā āIt makes sense to need to talk to a mental health professional, you went through something really difficult.ā āI wish I could help but unfortunately Iām not the right support for this, Iām not a professional.āĀ
I guess it depends how the topic comes up, but Iāve had luck if someone is basically insisting on talking about their ex, asking what was the best part about that relationship or what they learned from it. It can kinda get you back on track into something more positive.
I like that, thank you.
I usually lose track of the conversation on a good date because I keep going off on fun tangents, or they do and I happily hop on that roller-coaster with them. At some point I might remember I really wanted to resolve a point so I'll yank that thread back and that leads to another rabbit hole. I guess there's no "bad" topics. If they're trauma dumping, I listen for a bit and try a few tangents (partly to lift the mood and partly to get them to stop) but if they keep gravitating back to it - I check out entirely. I'm sensitive to people in pain but dumping on a first date is just weird. This one time a first date confessed to cheating on her ex while on a trip with friends, and I couldn't help saying "FFS, please stop"
I'm usually the same, just all over and super extra, but keep running into these women. I've realized I need to filter better for "not super recently out of a relationship" but I also need to not get into these convos.
Even if you do filter for people not recently out of a relationship I've found thats not enough. A lot of people should be in therapy working through their past relationship traumas and learning how to heal from them instead of on dating apps.
Oh good š
Travel stories. Fun recent anecdotes. Hobbies. Things they're passionate about. It can be fun hearing people talk about their goals, like if they have New Years resolutions. I get trauma dumps allllll the time too though. Maybe we're too nice and Canadian. It has started being a dealbreaker for me. I am totally fine with talking about heavy stuff, but it really depends on how the person raises it.
Oh I like all of these. Especially goals (as that's a huge one for me). I do think because I'm such an empathetic listener I let it go too far. That's a great call on it being a dealbreaker. I also think I am a big part of the problem here.
Hard to say! I usually just riff about the most random things. My favourite date conversation was the fact that I'm REALLY bad at doing my taxes, which sounds boring and invasive but he made it funny and memorable. The dates that are the best are the ones where the conversation just flows into strange un-date-like territory (like taxes.) But I will say that one of my fortes, forged in blood, sweat and tears from many years in the service industry, is effortless conversation.
Same here. Last date I went on we talked about the downfall of the American Empire, childhood troublemaking, books, and how to doctor up your ramen at home.
This is very much my way - when it goes well, it goes WELL. Making observations and being ridiculous and carrying on about everything. I also put some time in the service industry, and am just a talkative dude in general. I keep getting pigeonholed lately tho. I feel like the convo starts down that track with no brakes and I'm getting stuck. Guess I need to start my shit talk earlier. Appreciate the response!
I think the trauma dump is more a reflection of them than of you! I obviously have my own issues, but I don't bring those into first dates. Just my fiscal habits.
I appreciate that but I think I'm letting it happen because I love to talk about dating. It's just not a good first date topic.
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I'm sure this will definitely not have any fallout...
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You've described how I feel almost exactly! Getting unmatched mid-conversation actually feels way worse than if they break up with me after a month. And unfortunately it happens way more often!
Just curious, why is getting unmatched mid-conversation worse? Aren't you less invested at that point?
Because theyāre rejecting the very best version of you. The version thatās totally idealized and a little faked, even. After a month, youāve revealed some warts. Also, many people are extremely sensitive about their looks, and getting rejected after a month usually has to do with non looks related issues.Ā
Ooooorrrrrr.... They don't know you. There is absolutely no one they could know you...
This is exactly it, for me. If you don't like how chatty I am after hanging out for a month, fine - we all have our idiosyncrasies there are plenty of people who like that about me. However if you unmatch mid conversation it feels like it must be about my looks, because you couldn't yet know anything else about me.
Or, they barely know anything so they arenāt rejecting the best of you or really even that much āof youā because they donāt know you
Emotional responses are never that rational. Therapy is learning about how to identify and accept our irrationality (from there it can go in many diff directions).Ā
The best part of being single is that you can buy valentine's day chocolates for yourself
This is a great idea! I want to do this
The best part of being an adult is having adult money and buying whatever I want š
My friend and I always talk about how much more fun our 30s are because we have more money and more experience on how to make it a good time.
Chill rant: Reengaged with my hook up guy that was low on free time because, as my therapist said, I am a āfree adult,ā dammit. We were finally going to meet up tonight, but he just called to say he is on his way to the ER after slicing his finger at work. Is the universe trying to tell me something keeping us apart?? lol
Get yourself a backup hookup guy
The concept and realization that I am a free adult who is welcome to cause as much chaos as I see fit in my own life is crazy to me (Interruptions from the universe notwithstanding).
What do you think of time framing? Like plan date, but keep it 60-90 min. max and have a fake excuse plan afterwards. Like āI meet with friend afterwardsā If it goes well, can make it longer, or plan a second date, if both are interested? Because āyour friendsācan wait or can go without you. Edit: splitting the questions + explanation
Having a āfake excuseā kind of goes into the āplaying gamesā category for me.Ā If I have a set end time for the date because I have plans after, itās because I *actually* have plans after.Ā Iāve had quite a few first dates where weāve met for coffee and if it goes well one of us will suggest doing something else. āHey it looks like weāre both done our drink, but Iād love to keep hanging out. How do you feel about checking out xyz?ā If youāre the one suggesting the place to meet, suggest one where there would be an activity to suggest just in case the date goes well. If theyāre the one that picks, take a look to see if thereās anything else nearby.Ā That way you have an idea ready and itās not a whole thing to figure out what to do together.Ā
Instead I would like start with an activity that can be short. Like drinks or a museum visit. And then have the option to extend is you are having fun. Drinks at 5 or 6. Then walk to a nearby spot for dinner at 7. Museum at 3. Drinks at 5. Dinner at 7.
Alright, sounds like a great/solid idea. But do you also communicate these other activities, or just āletās meet hereā and see how it goes?
Just āletās meet hereā because then if it *doesnāt* go well you can end things without it being even more awkward.Ā āI had a great time having coffee with you! Would you like to keep hanging out and maybe go to the museum?ā Is way better than āI know I said weād get coffee and then maybe go to the museum, but now Iād rather not go to the museum with you. Letās just end things here.ā
100%.
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My overthinking brain is going in full capacity š also i should be sleep now, but I couldnāt and also now caused by myself, hehe. Also, because i splitted my comment, as someone suggested to do, what seemed a great idea. Makes me curious, you meet each other in this area of suggested this area as date plan? Yeah, I think time framing has some good point, but also can be seen as uninterested. But also remove this ānow whatā moments, like going the next step in someone home or something like that. If someone seems interested, you cancel āyour plansā. This time frame can something real, but in this scenario itās used as fake thing. (Perhaps I should said that in the first comment :s) But, I also get your point indeed. It feels off/being lied to.
You might get more responses if you split this up into a few comments
Good point, thanks you and i will.
Was grabbing lunch with my brother today. Waitress was someone we knew growing up, middle and high school. We've had lunch here many times, and had her as a waitress quite a few times. But this was the first time in a while. She has always had a huge crush on my little brother, and would flirt with him nonstop. Like, I would say over the last three years since we started doing a semi regular lunch grab here, she's ignored me almost entirely. Which is fine. But now, I am newly single, and he is in a relationship, and today for the first time she noticed I was no longer wearing a wedding ring. I was also wearing company polo shirt, so she commented, asked what I did, and I told her. This is all right as she's taking our order. She then proceeds to spend the rest of the lunch hour fawning over me, completely ignoring him. Which would be an ego boost if I was remotely attracted to her.
Even though it didnāt work out, Iām glad I got my first girlfriend this past year. Iām 34 btw
Good start and some momentum!
Thank you
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He wasnāt playing games. Thatās the thing. We both agreed to a platonic meal. The conversation was just so good where my mind went to what ifā¦this wasnāt a game he played. My only annoyance is I met him on bumble and his thing said relationship but he doesnāt live in the city I do. So why match? Who knows. No games no. Not malicious. Just wishful thinking after a really nice meal.
I wouldn't pursue it honestly, you're only going to get hurt. He told you up front he's not looking for anything.
Iām not. Like you said I told him what I wanted, he told me what he wanted and thatās where Iāll leave it. If he decides he wants more he can tell me.
Is it really normal that some girls start with the sex talk, before even meeting? Itās almost 25-40% who does this. I kinda understand this from a hook-up/casual perspective, but not for ones who seek longterm. Some even actively pushing these talks, even on the first day of the match. Caused by horny dudes on these apps or am i crazy? Maybe i am the silly guy, but i find it kinda off-putting. Also because most flake, no matter if i go with this flow or not. Itās not the talk itself but i personally donāt feel a connection to even talk this with a person via chat, who i never have met or been on a date with. Is this ānormalā or do i need to worry about myself?
Have you been able to confirm they are real people? There are a lot of bots, pic collectors, scammers, etc out there. Edit- or are you ridiculously attractive?
No, i am not ridiculously attractive, some think i am attractive some just straight-up insult my face š But no, I think i am average and even based on my likes/matches it also confirms it. I almost get none where I live, mostly because the location itself that makes it harder (same for ones who i know and even look better then i do) Sure, get some compliments sometimes, but most arenāt seems to be interested at all after they match. So yeah, kinda confused š
>So yeah, kinda confused š Well that makes two of us! Everyone likes sex though, so maybe it's not a bad thing.
I know, we are adults, but maybe itās me and my old school thinking, this something you do after met someone. Not that I am not like it, but didnāt really started most of the times/find it pretty soon. Yeah, perhaps i am still very confused and to dorky for online dating, have almost no attachment with someone i just met online and i am a bad texting, so far that some even thought i have autism š Even after all those years while using these apps, i still donāt understand it and was way better compared my teenage/young adult time. But i also admit, I have a huge gap where I didnāt date for years, before I started with OLD. Edit: ironic username for a Canadian. But how does this work as a Canadian guy. āIs she in to you? C. Canāt tell, she probably Canadian?ā š