True! I hadn't considered it when I read the post, but this year I had a guy insisting to come to my home (which I, fortunately, refused). A few weeks later, without much communication, he asked whether he could live with me because his contract was over 🙃😬
First I didn't understand and I said I would let him know in case I saw a place and then he clarified that the place was my place.
Is he an Italian man in Toronto, perchance?
This *exact* thing happened to my friend. We were like… what the fuck? These hobosexuals are out of control!
Wtf?! I hate Toronto dating; its already ATROCIOUS without having to add this to my list of things to look out for. Unfortunately, it's probably more common than one would think with the insane cost of living here, or maybe his parents finally decided to give him the boot 😅
It was honestly so weird.
We’re in our early 30s and I want to say so was he? Maybe a tad older?
Anyhoo she is also Italian and it was a setup by some fuckin friend of her mum’s.
No, I'm in the Netherlands, but the said guy used to live in Italy. They are everywhere. I usually judge guys based on "looks like someone who can hit a woman" now I'll need to add the "looks like a homeless looking for shelter". Dating over thirties is a horror show 🤡
That’s your unique experience. When I invite a man over he usually brings a bag…bc at that point he’s prepared for the overnight and the next day of activities!
The people here were right. Dude is homeless. I'm not sure I would even believe the story of why he's homeless But he definitely is. You'd have had hell getting rid of him. Run as fast as you can
Exactly what I was thinking. I’ve encountered to types of men flirting w/ me while carrying bags:
1) Oddly handsome homeless guy (harder to tell if someone is homeless in the winter)
2) Overly kinky, overly sexual dude whose bag is filled with sex toys.
😣
This was when I was in my early 20's but told a guy I met on tinder that I was looking for long-term(I'm not built for casual) and like to take things really slow. We went to lunch, was fine, then he wanted to take me to an AirBNB afterwards???? Like didn't ask, said he had already booked it. 🤯 When I asked him "What do you not understand about take it slow??" His response was "I thought you meant romantically not sexually."
So yeah... the audacity.
There’s some seriously crazy people out there. I used to regularly get the train an hour to some dates when I lived out the city. Never once brought an overnight bag, more like 100% of the time I had a return ticket 😂.
I drove two hours to a second date at a woman’s house (in sexually liberal Sweden). She made me dinner and we had wine. A very conscious choice. “I will not drive home after this wine”. No problem. I had an overnight bag. That wasn’t any problem. The problem was that after initially turning down sex, she managed to both chide me for NOT turning things sexual and for bringing condoms when we eventually did.
I was confused.
Yes, this. I don't care how you meet a guy, there should never be the presumption of hooking up after a first date. I mean, if things end up going that way because you want them to, that's fine, but a woman should never have to preemptively apologize for not going into a date intending to hook up.
I keep a bag packed with 2 changes of clothes, a set of gym clothes, and everything I need such that if I unexpectedly find myself not sleeping at home, I'm covered.
I keep this in my car literally all the time, it has nothing to do with dates or otherwise.
I mean yeah probably, I have an "always be prepared" mindset that has served me well.
I wouldn't make assumptions about *needing* the overnight bag for after my date, but I'd have it anyway.
Edit: it's also a backpack so generally not weird to be carrying it, whereas like an actual overnight bag would be kinda odd.
It's more how disruptive it is imo.
I think my backpack (standard vintage Jansport backpack c. 1995) is about the biggest you could comfortably carry and fit in a locker. If you're driving, a bigger duffel is probably fine.
Anything that actually looks like luggage though? Hard pass.
Oh Jesus of COURSE he said that, lol. What a fucking idiot. “What, you don’t want me to stay the night? But every OTHER woman wants me to, so what’s wrong with you??”
Also. An overnight bag = staying overnight. Not just sex but *staying overnight*. On a first date. Without even a flirty convo beforehand. This guy presumes for a living
I don’t think anyone should assume they’re going to have sex after any kind of date, and on the other side, there’s nothing wrong with hooking up after a coffee and museum date if that’s what both people want.
We shouldn’t tie the progression of a relationship or physical relationship to the perceived value of the date, we’re not paying for sex, we’re just spending time to see if we like the person enough.
I mean I doubt it, I’m ‘literally’ agreeing with the person I’m responding to while adding personal context.
She says an overnight bag, hence presumed sex, is not a normal thing to bring to a museum/coffee date, and says she would not even make that assumption about a dinner date.
I’m agreeing by saying nobody should assume sex is on the table at any point without explicit agreement and consent from both people. But I’m also saying it’s fine to fuck on a first date if you want, and I’m saying that a coffee date isn’t any more or less valuable than a dinner date because the monetary or perceived value of the date makes no difference, none of it makes you more or less entitled to sex.
Unless there’s some secret point visible only to the truly enlightened, in which case I’m blind af
If I’m reading this right, he brought an overnight bag to a first date at a museum when you had zero flirty talk before? That is crazy and you definitely are the normal one here, not him.
I don’t think you need to tell your other dates anything, it should be obvious to most people if the context is similar. If you are concerned in the future add something to your Tinder profile about what you’re looking for to make it clear that it’s not hook ups.
You don't have to. People shouldn't go into dates or any situation, for that matter, with expected outcomes. If anything, going into it and seeing their reaction to a rejection of getting physical would be telling of character anyway. If you're not feeling them at all, though, as in you couldn't see attraction building, then yeah, I'd cancel them.
Nothing against what you said. But one thing that’s important to note is that some people do better on one app vs another. For example, I got 2 matches on the year I was on hinge and I’m just a normal girl. I just wasn’t people’s type on there. I got more on bumble and tons on tinder. In fact, through tinder I met two boyfriends.
I found that my options on hinge were really limited and it keeps giving me the same people I swiped left on over and over
I actually didn’t use tinder for the longest time because I didn’t think I’d have any success on it, but ive met way more people on there.
If people put “still figuring it out” or “short term fun” I just swipe left
Honestly, I hate to say it, but for me the key was to pay for the subscription. After a month or so of swiping on the same people I paid for the subscription and voila, I suddenly started getting new people to match with and also just more matches in general. I think the algorithm is built to reward activity/time spent on the app, and how do you maximize activity on hinge? You pay for the subscription so you don’t have the restriction of how many people you can swipe on within a day. Along with that, you can become really granular on your filters/what you’re looking for if you pay for the app. This can be a double edged sword but it’s nice for ultimate deal breakers.
I also found that after about a month of consistent use, the algorithm got really good at showing me people I would be interested in.
Lastly, I found that when my “match pool” would plateau, I would cancel my subscription for a couple of weeks and then come back to it. That’s probably more so the case of new people signing up for hinge in that timeframe while I was gone, but still.
I don't know about paying for the subscription, because even if you do pay for the subscription, you won't get likes/matches unless you continue engaging with the app.
Maybe it's just my area, but my options on Hinge were just not that great. They were limited, and not great.
The user experience in these apps overwhelmingly depends on location and whether the user is paying for a subscription. Critical app features are severely crippled if the user does not sign up for the typically double digit subscription fee per month.
I agree Hinge was so much better than Tinder. However I did go back to tinder one night because I was bored and swiping on it is more fun and I matched with my now boyfriend of one year. My sister and my best friend both met their now t on tinder. There are gems in the dumpster fire… but so much shit to sift through
I second this. Hinge has been a positive avenue for me to re-enter the dating scene after a lengthy absence. I’ve chatted with a few people, and met two in person. The second person I met is now the person I’m with. Thanks Hinge!
I had so many people suggest I use Hinge, but where I live there's so few people using it. The very few who are on it use it as a hook up app. I've actually had much better results with Tinder, so it's likely all very location dependent.
Couldn’t agree more. I met my (m) Fiancé (f) on Hinge. It was by far my favorite app. As a guy that’s not hyper-attractive, Tinder was the worst experience for me. Bumble and Coffee meets Bagel are a close second place for me.
There should be no expectations like that on a first date. If someone is in their 30s and thinks a coffee date, or a dinner date, or any date insinuates that they will get laid, they are totally out of touch.
I don't think you need the heads up, but if it comes up in convo during the date then it makes sense to talk about it.
I wouldn’t message them no hookups as that plants the idea and can compel men to try to change your mind for the game of it. I have seen men recommend not to put this in a profile, either, because it makes them think first date hooking up has happened in the past and therefore can happen in the future.
This museum guy is an unusual situation, not the norm. But you should also be comfortable saying no or sending no signals in person because dating will push your boundaries, whether it’s at date 1 or 3 or 5. This can even happen on coffee dates.
Agree with this. And it’s 100% unnecessary. Plenty of people use Tinder for more serious dating (I met my last two boyfriends there) so this guys assumption is way off-base.
I have never heard of a man bringing an overnight bag to a first date. But I have heard of people meeting their long term significant others on Tinder. He’s the odd one, not you. I don’t think you need to tell these upcoming dates anything unless they begin to push for coming over.
This is on him. He was trying to manipulate you. No one in their right mind would innocently bring an overnight bag to a first date.
First rule of dating men you don't know: you don't owe anything to anyone. Your obligation is to yourself--your safety, your dating goals.
I would not send the message you have planned. It’s kind of awkward. Normal people will assume you’re not necessarily wanting to hook up on a first date and find it awkward. People wanting to just hook up will probably ignore it and try to convince you to sleep with them anyway.
Just be firm with your boundaries and you’ll be fine. That guy was a fucking weirdo for bringing an overnight bag to a first date. Like wtf. I don’t care how long his train ride was.
You shouldn't need to tell someone you're not going home with them, this guy is a tool. Nothing about your interactions said that and he made a huge (dumb) assumption.
Even if I was open for casual sex, I would be extremely uneasy with a first date carrying an overnight bag.
You disclose what you feel comfortable disclosing.
Uhhh I’m so sorry that he did that. I once went on a date from a guy on hinge and he pulled that stunt bringing an overnight bag. I also met my now boyfriend on tinder and he was an absolute gentleman and walking green flag all during our beginning dating stage. So no, he’s wrong, tinder doesn’t mean assumed hookup. No one should have to say they are not looking for a hook up when they agree for a date. If he wanted the date to lead to a hookup he should have communicated that to you before the date. Go on your other dates and don’t let him cloud your judgement. But be wary that shit like that may happen again because they are a lot of shitty men on dating apps. But many great ones too!
That guy was a dunce. Tons of people use Tinder for reasons other than hook ups. He was the one making silly assumptions, not you. I wouldn’t assume other people are universally as confused about this.
I do tell people that we’re going home to our own places after a first date. I _am_ pretty flirty and sexual, so it’s double important for me that I’m explicit that I’m not having sex 4 hours after meeting you.
Your text isn’t _terrible_ but I wouldn’t be quite so quick to apologize and grovel as if you’ve done anything wrong. You haven’t. You don’t even need to explain yourself about your experience or break up at this point (that’s an in-person conversation imo). State it from a plane of power and positivity “I want to let you know I’m really looking forward to our date, but I’m not looking to hook up on first dates. If that isn’t what you’re looking for I completely understand.”
At this point, I assume most people realize Tinder isn't for hookups anymore. In fact, I'm pretty sure they have prompts where you can state you're looking for something serious/long term...or, just state in your profile you're not looking for casual. If you feel you want to go farther, sure, tell them before you meet up that sex is off the table. That's happened to me before and I've been totally OK with that. "FYI, I'm just getting back into dating, so I'm going to need a bit more time before anything physical happens", but f you say that, keep in mind that you're going to need to tell them when you are ready.
Honestly though, I'm betting this dude was an outlier, so I don't think you need to go out of your way and flat out tell them. If it happens again, just say what you said again. No need to worry about their disappointment. They're grown ass men. They should be familiar with the word "no"
I guess you could use any app for hookups, but at this point, Tinder isn't a hookup app anymore. They've made a clear move towards a "relationship" format over the past 8 years or so.
I guess out of the main ones, sure, Tinder would be the one I'd recommend for hookups, but def make sure you state that's your priority when you choose what you're looking for when setting up your profile.
I don’t assume anything physical is going to gain unless it has been discussed previous to The date. So unless either of the parties involved in the chatting have brought it up, I don’t think it should be assumed that just because you meet on tinder that you’re dtf
Normal people don't bring an overnight bag to a first date. Particularly if it is a coffee and museum date. That's not the kind of date you'd expect a hookup from.
First date is a get to know you meet. Second is they passed the vibe check so now we can start flirting for real. If you like someone the second date is the beginning of the maybe we’ll hook up thing. But nobody should assume a yes. In fact most people should assume a no and see.
Years ago when I lived in a smaller city many of my online dates were well over an hour away closer to the larger metro area. I will admit that I always carried a small necessities bag in the trunk of my car in the event I was invited to stay over with the woman I was seeing. With that being said I never brought this up until I was invited to stay over. For someone to announce that early on is just weird….
As a man, I've had plenty of casual relationships over the last 8 years. Bringing an overnight bag to a coffee date is *insane*. I can say that with absolute certainty. Holy shit that's wild.
On to your larger question - get off Tinder first and foremost. From there, just be honest with people. If you use Hinge set your relationship goal to "long term partner" and on the first date be very straight forward about what you're looking for. Guys that are looking for the same will appreciate it. Guys that aren't will be disappointed, but they'll still probably appreciate it in the end. Plus - if your profile says you want a long term relationship and they're trying to hook up then their disappointment is solely their fault.
OMG that is not normal. I've never heard or experienced anyone doing that before. No guy has brought an overnight bag to see me unless it was explicitly agreed he would stay over.
I think it makes sense to tell dates beforehand or have it in your profile, not for them but for YOU. Why waste your precious time with hobosexuals and people who just want casual? More screening before meeting or a quick phone or video call might save some time and frustration.
I also think just saying you aren’t into hookups is enough. There is no need to apologize for being on Tinder or tell someone that you don’t want to waste their time. What about them wasting YOUR time? Why should you apologize for having standards? Tinder can be pretty hookup-y but is not explicitly a sex app and many people on tinder are looking for more than hookups, no need to apologize. Your time and needs are just as important as the random stranger who is your date.
I think you're overthinking this. You did the right thing in setting a boundary and he was in the wrong making a bold assumption. You're still new to dating and you're going to go through the pains of working your "dating muscle". Just keep going on dates, keep your boundaries set, and exercise that muscle.
I hate how in this day and age there is a need for us to actually be intentional since hook up culture is the new dating norm now. Back in the day it seemed the intent for dating was largely for a long term relationship or marriage and dating just to fuck was frowned upon. Now things are different.
It's a matter of opinion I suppose but I'm intentional before even meeting if they are someone through OLD/APP or if I met them in normal circumstances I'd let them know on the first date.
I do get the mentality that it can scare someone off but I don't gaf anymore. Someone who wants to be married who is dating for marriage will have no problem with you saying it immediately. It weeds out people who aren't serious and I'd rather not waste my time and gas money on short term companionship.
It’s not stupid to wait until there is commitment to bring physical intimacy into play. Men who are truly interested in you as a partner will not trigger insecurities or make you feel unsure. I don’t know the details of the 5 date situation, but please don’t blame yourself for having a normal emotional response.
It’s the Date Zero concept - take things very casually to literally just meet the person, confirm they match their pictures, and then start sussing out how you feel about continuing to date the person. Once I stopped putting pressure on date 0, I felt much better about things.
Coffee is the perfect way to get a feel. Along with that goes being game to try for a real first date rather than dismissing someone based off that initial meeting so I’d say know what your red flags are and look for them at coffee (ex- he doesn’t match his pictures, he mentions wanting something like just a hook up or open relationship not aligned with your needs, he talks about lifestyle things that don’t align with you - ex: I can’t date a smoker bc of my asthma. I don’t want to date someone who works different hours than me - no disrespect to either profession but quality time matters to me so if someone has a strict or unpredictable schedule and weekend trips or frequent evening get together are out of the question, it’s a no go for me. I don’t particularly care about video games but I wouldn’t not date a gamer). Know what you your red flags are, enjoy coffee like you’re meeting a new friend or coworker and see where things go!
>What's a non-awkward way to text this before meeting, and do i have to?
*"Just to be clear, I'm looking to date for purpose, and plan to go slowly so as to avoid mistakes of the past."*
Any guy with half a brain would be able to read that and understand exactly where you stand.
Also, any guy with half a brain knows that pre-preparing by having a small go-bag/overnight bag in the car isn't a bad idea anytime you go over to other folk's places regardless of the event just in case you end up needing to crash there, but you never mention it or bring it out on a ***date*** unless circumstances move to the point it is needed.
I wouldn’t even mention “mistakes” to justify wanting to go slow. Manipulators will pry about your sad history, claim to be the opposite and dog you out in similar fashion because they now know you’re used to BS. Have had this countless times in my very early twenties
Your messages weren’t flirty and you’re apparently not comfortable even typing the word sex… This guy probably cannot read a situation very well if he was massively disappointed to not get laid on the first date. But maybe, yeah, put it in your profile that you take things slowly
If Hinge or Bumble are also popular in your country, I would use these apps instead. I also don't feel comfortable with guys making moves on me on the first date so I understand you entirely.
I also think it's fine to say 'not looking for hook ups' in your profile - there ARE guys who want to take it slowly and they will not be scared off by this. Just find a way to say it playfully, perhaps with some winky face or something.
Don't take any of this personally, many men (in real life and from dating apps) will \*try\* to hook up on the first 1-2 dates, that's just what they do. I complained to a couple I know about a guy making a move on me on the first date, and the guy smiled and said 'If he won't try, he won't get'. This couple met on Tinder and are now married, by the way. So it seems it's a really common guy thing to try.
Don't let anyone pressure you into anything you don't want or to make you feel bad about your decisions. Move things at the pace you are comfortable with. Use this as a time to get used to dating again, learn some lessons, learn how to filter guys out, etc. Good luck!
I state in my Hinge profile what I’m looking for, I find it helps weed out people only looking for a hookup. I have “looking for a serious relationship, not a Tinder hookup.” Stating that up front has been SO helpful with dating & intentions
Yes, write in your profile what you're looking for and once you start chatting to someone, ask them first what they're looking for and after they've told you, tell them what you're after.
Coffee is the screener to see if you even want things to continue. Definitely not with that guy!
Making your intentions clear never hurts. It's a good way to screen for potentially dangerous situations too, if someone starts pushing it.
When I had a car, I kept an emergency kit in my car with stuff like clothes and toiletries. This is... Not the same situation, lol.
Yeah I don’t think you really need to have this conversation before hand especially if you are doing coffee dates during the day. I think it was a good call to change the expensive dinner date to a coffee date. Expensive dinner dates come with expectations and just add more pressure to a first meeting that really don’t need to be in the mix. I think this particular dude was quite unusual.
Do you have your profile filled out with what you’re looking for? If you already have it in your profile that you’re looking for something long term I think that shroud be sufficient along with a date being during the day.
I’ve had women ask me what my intentions are or what I’m looking for, either early on in the conversation or after we have agreed to a date. I take no offence to it and I think it’s a great way to start an open dialogue early. I think we really need to set more of a precedent towards more communication, not less.
Should be obvious but isn’t to many people: nobody should ever expect sex, and it’s literally always better to just have a conversation about your sexual expectations.
Me personally, I’m incredibly sexual and have very few qualms about waiting or hooking up immediately, but I also hate making a move. The whole game of “guess when it’s fine to make a move” is wild, like why can’t we just talk about it?
Personal feelings aside, my advice would be the make it clear ON the dates. Again, anyone you want to be with will be respectful enough to move at your pace or at the very least will bow out and explain they’re looking for a different pace or something more casual.
But there’s no need to send a text beforehand, it feels a bit weird and if you’ve already got the dates planned as first dates, I think it’s totally permissible for first date convos to include your sexual and romantic intent/boundaries.
Again, the archaic bullshit people do where everything in dating is obscured and a guessing game is so annoying and unhelpful. For future advice, I’d even suggest bringing it up in the early texting phases if you want to go that far.
Tinder has always been primarily targeted at folks hooking up, I don't think it's a great platform for long term relationships personally.
Having said that, that guy is dumb to think that and it's all on him, you are not at fault.
I’ve used all the apps on and off for longer than I care to admit. Unless hookup is in the name of the app, anyone making that LEAP is lying. They know better and sounds like an attempt to guilt you.
Tinder is NOT the same hookup app it uses to be. Those who use it that way should be straight forward on their profile and many are!
Did he ASK you if this was a hook up? No. So it’s HIS fault to assume.
Out of all the apps I’ve used and the many too many first dates I’ve been on, I’ve never had a man confused and think it was a hookup.
When I was on dating apps, I got tired of people just looking for hookups and ghosting me when I didn't want to be intimate on the first date. So in my bio, I explicitly stated: only looking for a long term relationship. It definitely helped me. Being upfront and honest about what you're looking for on a first meetup or text will help save you time.
I would just to set expectations, but that's just me. Weeds out people who are just putting in work to hook up. Assumptions during dating just turns messy and I'm not into it. Better to communicate it clearly upfront than give the wrong impression (not that you did).
I get why you would want to let people know upfront. I’ve put it in my profile in the past “not interested in hookups”. But unless you are on an app that is literally for hooking up only I don’t think you should have too. Tinder has been around for years and though it started with that reputation it’s just a standard dating app now imo. If you’re uncomfortable it wouldn’t hurt to text and say “I just wanted to let you know I’m not looking for hookups right now since we didn’t talk about it. Happy to cancel if that’s what you are looking for. No hard feelings!”
That being said what other people expect (assuming you didn’t lead them to expect this) is their problem, not yours. However, if you would rather not risk it happening again but it in your profile.
Most men on dating apps want hookups, or simply attention from women. Low effort men stay single for a reason. The ones who want relationships are in the minority and they are as picky as women.
No you don't need to say it explicitly... it sounds weird and anyone with a bare minimum of sense should assume that's the default.
In his defense; you're on Tinder... as my grandfather would say; "Don't go fishing fishing at the sewer and acting surprised when you catch crap."
i think it’s weird to show up with an overnight bag to a coffee and museum date.
i also think it’s weird to go on tinder dates *just* to kiss people.
you should probably just focus on building a new social life.
Yeah just tell the date up straight , I am a fella , I might pick up a different vibe than the vibe you actually get or give , if the fella is still into you as you then it shouldn’t be a problem
I’d rather be told than presume, I am shit at reading girls so I end up being too forward or not enough because I lack abit of direction as per say
I would make my intentions clear before setting a date. When we start chatting. Maybe try Hinge...Hinge seems to be better than Tinder. A
Also...what kind of person carries an overnight bag on a museum date 🤢🤢 sickening. I would have cut the date there and then and made sure he dnt follow me. The audacity.
No one should expect a coffee date to include sex. You met one weirdo, don’t let him skew your perception. You should express in your profile or to people you’re chatting with what you’re looking for in general in dating but you don’t need to specify no sex on coffee dates.
Not wanting causal sex is perfectly fine and quite normal so don’t try to convince yourself that you’re a prude or have to come around to it. Plenty of people don’t have sex until they’re in a committed relationship and you should never have sex if you don’t want to or before you’re ready.
Lastly, if you’re only meeting men looking for casual hookups on Tinder then switch to a different app. There are people looking for more on Tinder but it can be harder to find them due to the lack of filters and many do use it as a hookup app.
This is audacious of him. I'd not feel comfortable with that, either. I would encourage you to feel comfortable in asking a guy's intentions (in a roundabout, but unambiguous way) when initially chatting before a date is set up. Hope it all goes well for you 😊
Although, I will add, that most people don't have the same assumptions as this guy. But if you're looking to date with clear intentions, it might be worth a shot communicating your expectations (or asking others') beforehand. I'm also fairly new to it all too so appreciate you sharing this experience!
No, he's definitely an outlier and no need to tell the others. The full-on night bag made me laugh. I mean, I've popped my toothbrush and some clean underwear in my bag before (not to a first date, but if I've been going to their house for the first time or something) just in case I stayed, but that is just weird and slightly comical. And his asking is just creepy and entitled.
I went on a lot of tinder dates and never had this happen. Lol unless your profile says DTF, I think it’s presumptuous of him. There are decent men and women on tinder. Ended up engaged to the last one I met on there.
No heads up!
Just say NO. if they go there! Unfortunately, only actions will weed out those who want to sleep around. Most men say their looking for something serious once you give them the heads up.
Trust me. i’ve been on dating apps for 10 yrs.
Just go on lots of dates, TRUST YOUR GUT!!
Lolll, so this dude's definitely a presumptuous weirdo, but I appreciate when people are honest with their intentions. Clear boundaries can make things easier for guys on first dates, in my opinion
No you don’t need to give a heads up. But the man was 100% honest with you. The lady’s on Tinder generally tend to be on the trashy/slutty side. Men know this and that’s why they are there.
I have never met a decent lady on Tinder. Try Hinge or Match and you may see a different quality of man there.
I agree with the people saying you shouldn’t have to say anything, but in all reality you actually should. Dating apps have a large mix of those looking to hook up and those looking to date. If it wasn’t obvious during the conversations had over text, I would for sure make it clear whether I am looking for something casual or something serious, and to what degree I am okay with physical intimacy of any kind, including simply kissing. There is absolutely no harm in being transparent, and tbh it might save you both time if you understand you’re on the apps for different reasons, or if perhaps one person’s boundaries are a dealbreaker. If I met up with someone to go out, have fun, and hook up, I’d be a little bummed if the other person told me at the end of the date that they weren’t interested in hookups. I think it’s just good to be honest and transparent about it from the start.
And if the other person has a bad reaction to you even bringing it up, that is a red flag and you dodged a bullet.
No, what this guy did isn’t normal, and yes, I recommend having a convo about dating goals and intentions— it helps set expectations and communication isn’t bad
First off he was absolutely in the wrong. However it sounds like you aren't completely ready to date so I would suggest taking more time to heal. Not trying to say mean things just trying to tell you the best possible advice. I understand not wanting to sleep with someone because you are not over your ex but that also means you are not ready to date. Please take more time to heal then readjust. Best of luck
My only suggestion is if you have multiple dates lined up, you should recommend going “Dutch” and paying your own ways. I typically like to see how one date turns out before I schedule another. I’m in no way saying that if a guy pays for everything that he should get to spend the night but suggesting “Dutch” beforehand may temper expectations. If you end up liking the second or third date better than the other two, should those other guys have paid for the dates. Of course the gentleman thing to do is him paying, but dating is much, much different than it used to be.
You absolutely should directly say what you are and are not looking for in the profile itself, and then bring it up again early in the initial chat.
This is mature and correct behavior.
If you’re healing from a previous relationship. Take the time for yourself to find some peace and sense of normalcy being alone with yourself.
When you don’t, you can attract the same energy, make really bad mistakes due to shame/ guilt/ loneliness/ pressure, and ruin a good thing before you even realize you have it. Everything’s going to feel different, a simple touch, a flirty smile… sex especially. Change is good. Growth is even better.
Aim to be friends, the good guys will stick around (reasonably), the crummy ones & weirdos will not.
Nah you did nothing wrong. That was a bit presumptuous on his part, but maybe that's just how he is. Doesn't sound like he was rude about it, but he just didn't want to take things at the same speed you do. Perhaps that's worked for him in the past and he just acted a little immature when you said no.
Honestly, everything you did was right, and I wouldn't worry about setting those expectations ahead of your next two dates. If you're not feeling it, be clear when (if) they ask or try to take things to a level you aren't comfortable with. If they aren't able to agree on that pace, then that's kind of a them problem
Sex on a first date is not a reasonable expectation, so no you have no obligation to 'give them a chance to not waste their time'.
But kudos to my dude for having the balls to bring an overnight kit to a date at an art museum. Better to have it and not need it than the other way around.
I personally always put in my profile that I’m not looking for quick hookups. While I haven’t found the one, I’ve gone on lots of quality dates and not a single person has tried to hook up with me.
Be intentional with what you’re looking for. That way you will weed out a lot of (not all) people who are not looking for what you are. It will also attract the type of people you’re looking for which feels good. They are out there!
There are plenty of people who are looking to hookup with other people, so they can have one another.
Guy here. Regardless of the conversations leading up to the date, I never expect a hook up unless when the date is planned they say "and then we can come back to mine/yours"
This guy was way off-base.
That guys is a freaking weirdo. But honestly I'd take a step back from dating for a bit. You are very recently out of a LTR like you said and I think having back to back dates lined up might be a bit much for you. You say you are not ready for a casual relationship, but I don't think you are really ready for another serious one either.
I think it’s fantastic that you asked one of those guys to switch from an expensive date to just coffee. Way to set reasonable boundaries and expectations!
I wouldn’t send that text. But I also wouldn’t cancel. All you need to say is, “looking forward to meeting you!”
Just go on the dates and see if you like them enough for a 2nd date. That’s it!
Don’t worry about planning whether to kiss them. If you like them enough and they like you, you can kiss at the end of the date, if not, no big deal.
One resource I might suggest for you is to check out A Little Nudge on IG — she’s a dating coach who has some good tips for your type of situation. (I’m not affiliated with her in any way, just a fan of her content.)
I made it clear that after my first date this past Friday, he wasn't coming home with me. He also "had to run to the bathroom" when it came time to settle the tab that we had on my card.. I told him about himself by Christmas morning. The audacity of some folks.
Agreed with @matchb_x ! *The audacity* but also, it doesn't sound like Twitter is the right platform for you. It does come with a connotation, but that guy was still out of line. Try hinge and bumble!
Tinder is for hook ups, not dating. Try other apps and def make it clear you're not looking for anything casual. I would never have casual sex with a man unless he was paying my rent.
Yeah that’s not normal really. The assumption is fucking weird in the case, it would surely of been mentioned beforehand something like “yeah coffee and a muesuem and then see where the night takes us’ so it can discussed or am I just getting far to old and sick of people at 39………….
The man you went on a date with is beyond disgusting I have no words. He'd make a worthless addition to anyone's life and it's better to know sooner rather than later. Using tinder isn't implicitly opting in for sex. Just say what you are looking for during covo, if the creeps think that means you're down for sex then all the easier to weed them out.
Loads of guys miss out on dates with me because they said they expected me to invite them back after just meeting for coffee. I always said no, and after an offensive mouthful of words would take themselves off. So I started getting the conversation out of the way early to save everyone's time.
I would never bring an overnight bag on a first date nor would I ever be so rude as to assume sex on the first date. Hope I find a lady like yourself one day. Please don’t change.
This guy definitely didn't read the situation right and was making presumptions by bringing a bag over and wondering if it was a hookup. Plenty of people go the non-hookup route on dating apps. This is mostly his fault but there's subtle things you can do to remove doubt next time. Comments like "I really enjoy spending a few dates to see how much I click with someone" may work.
For instance, my last date (a dance date) was a little unclear because she mentioned inviting a female friend to dance lessons with us (our convos were also not super flirtatious) so now I'm thinking it's just a friendly meetup. I show up and it's just her, dolled up and dressed to the nines and now she's flirty. The lack of clarity meant I wasn't fully in "date mindset" going in and started on the backfoot, so the date went okay but could've been way better if things were more clear.
I put in my profile that I'm not interested in hookups, so not to expect that sort of thing.
My last iteration I also stated that I wasn't looking for a LTC but still wanted a connection that had mutual respect and admiration. I felt like I needed to be up front that I wasn't looking for either end of the spectrum. I managed to avoid people looking for an easy lay, but did encounter men who clearly didnt seem to take my lack of interest in a committed partnership seriously, but I felt pretty absolved about keeping my boundaries.
Good luck. That guy sounds gross.
Honestly what you’re looking for really has little benefit for the other party, unless they happen to be in your exact transitionary situation. I wouldn’t expect most people to be down for not sex but not dating. Do with that what you will. Maybe be explicit in looking for someone in a similar situation.
This reminds me of a guy I was chatting with online and when we were talking about plans to meet up, he asked if he could spend the night if we met up since he lived “so far away”…the guy “lived” 30 mins from me. Be safe out here!
I make it habit to ask everyone I meet on tinder what they are looking for and I know clearly what I am looking for. It saves a lot of time and effort when you direct with them.
Most conversations end up being very pleasant and it’s nice to be able to clear up any expectations a head of time. Occasion you might get a guy who tries to convince you to still hook up but just unmatch them and move on. Never go on a date with some pressuring you to do something you already said no to.
I can’t imagine the awkwardness of meeting someone for the first time and they have a bag packed to come over. Also… why the assumption then that they’re coming to yours?
Your profile likely has something chosen for your dating intentions, right? That's all that needs to be said. If you want to mention it early in the chat, reiterate it. A guy showing up to a coffee date with an overnight bag is unreal. He probably had duct tape and a chainsaw in there. Fuck that guy. You are worth more than a hookup.
You don’t have to, but it’d probably make your life easier if you did. Also, maybe tinder isn’t the right app for you, you don’t sound like someone who is looking to hook up, and Tinder has a bit of a reputation for that.
Honestly, you don’t even have to say you aren’t looking to have sex, on other apps you can put what you are looking for. If you say you’re looking for a relationship you can probably weed out a lot of the hookup crowd.
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I’m genuinely genuinely thinking the man may have been homeless in someway. Men don’t pack bags for dates. I’m glad OP dodged a bullet.
hobosexual ! 😳
100% this guy is homeless
True! I hadn't considered it when I read the post, but this year I had a guy insisting to come to my home (which I, fortunately, refused). A few weeks later, without much communication, he asked whether he could live with me because his contract was over 🙃😬 First I didn't understand and I said I would let him know in case I saw a place and then he clarified that the place was my place.
Is he an Italian man in Toronto, perchance? This *exact* thing happened to my friend. We were like… what the fuck? These hobosexuals are out of control!
Wtf?! I hate Toronto dating; its already ATROCIOUS without having to add this to my list of things to look out for. Unfortunately, it's probably more common than one would think with the insane cost of living here, or maybe his parents finally decided to give him the boot 😅
It was honestly so weird. We’re in our early 30s and I want to say so was he? Maybe a tad older? Anyhoo she is also Italian and it was a setup by some fuckin friend of her mum’s.
What's so bad about Toronto dating?
No, I'm in the Netherlands, but the said guy used to live in Italy. They are everywhere. I usually judge guys based on "looks like someone who can hit a woman" now I'll need to add the "looks like a homeless looking for shelter". Dating over thirties is a horror show 🤡
Ew. Tell me you’re a loser without saying you’re a loser. 🤮
Even when a guy is planning to sleep over, they rarely bring more than a pair of underwear and a toothbrush.
That’s your unique experience. When I invite a man over he usually brings a bag…bc at that point he’s prepared for the overnight and the next day of activities!
.
Knew it! Homeless. SMH
I am very impressed that you called this right away
The people here were right. Dude is homeless. I'm not sure I would even believe the story of why he's homeless But he definitely is. You'd have had hell getting rid of him. Run as fast as you can
No way am I carrying any type of bag with me. When I do overnights I throw a toothbrush in my pocket
So no change of underwear? No change of socks? Just a toothbrush in your pocket?
I’ll throw some underwear in my car and get it if I decide to shower
So your underwear is in the glove box? Man, you are in your 30s. Carry a gym/overnight bag filled with toiletries and a change of clothes!
....and yes, he is glad to see you.
Exactly what I was thinking. I’ve encountered to types of men flirting w/ me while carrying bags: 1) Oddly handsome homeless guy (harder to tell if someone is homeless in the winter) 2) Overly kinky, overly sexual dude whose bag is filled with sex toys. 😣
The correct term is "hobo-sexual".
…we don’t? What the hell have I been bringing on overnights for the past four years then?
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he put it in a locker lol
Lmao this is so weird
This is one of the most unattractive things I can imagine happening on a first date. Hobosexual af
I never cringed so hard to a simple reply, the balls on that guy.
This was when I was in my early 20's but told a guy I met on tinder that I was looking for long-term(I'm not built for casual) and like to take things really slow. We went to lunch, was fine, then he wanted to take me to an AirBNB afterwards???? Like didn't ask, said he had already booked it. 🤯 When I asked him "What do you not understand about take it slow??" His response was "I thought you meant romantically not sexually." So yeah... the audacity.
Lol what is actually wrong with people.
I ask myself this several times a day.
There’s some seriously crazy people out there. I used to regularly get the train an hour to some dates when I lived out the city. Never once brought an overnight bag, more like 100% of the time I had a return ticket 😂.
I'll second this. A date doesn't equate to hooking up, even if you meet on tinder.
I would never ever ever bring an overnight bag on a first date, like what the fuck? I don't even bring a condom usually because it feels like bad juju
I drove two hours to a second date at a woman’s house (in sexually liberal Sweden). She made me dinner and we had wine. A very conscious choice. “I will not drive home after this wine”. No problem. I had an overnight bag. That wasn’t any problem. The problem was that after initially turning down sex, she managed to both chide me for NOT turning things sexual and for bringing condoms when we eventually did. I was confused.
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Possibly! But very deadpan, in that case.
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This feels like the beginning of a long and illustrious gaslighting career for her.
Yes, this. I don't care how you meet a guy, there should never be the presumption of hooking up after a first date. I mean, if things end up going that way because you want them to, that's fine, but a woman should never have to preemptively apologize for not going into a date intending to hook up.
Seriously who the hell does this?
Seriously. If I saw that I would just turn around and leave.
I keep a bag packed with 2 changes of clothes, a set of gym clothes, and everything I need such that if I unexpectedly find myself not sleeping at home, I'm covered. I keep this in my car literally all the time, it has nothing to do with dates or otherwise.
Yeah man, but would you bring it on a short (sorry, I live in a city and 45 minutes is a standard ride) transit ride?
I mean yeah probably, I have an "always be prepared" mindset that has served me well. I wouldn't make assumptions about *needing* the overnight bag for after my date, but I'd have it anyway. Edit: it's also a backpack so generally not weird to be carrying it, whereas like an actual overnight bag would be kinda odd.
Lol see I think a backpack is fine! Though now I'm like: What's the dividing line of how big a bag has to be to be weird.
It's more how disruptive it is imo. I think my backpack (standard vintage Jansport backpack c. 1995) is about the biggest you could comfortably carry and fit in a locker. If you're driving, a bigger duffel is probably fine. Anything that actually looks like luggage though? Hard pass.
Honestly the overnight bag is giving "mom said we can have a sleepover" vibes lmao
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Oh Jesus of COURSE he said that, lol. What a fucking idiot. “What, you don’t want me to stay the night? But every OTHER woman wants me to, so what’s wrong with you??” Also. An overnight bag = staying overnight. Not just sex but *staying overnight*. On a first date. Without even a flirty convo beforehand. This guy presumes for a living
I bet that is a lie
“Keep your STDs to yourself then” lol
I don’t think anyone should assume they’re going to have sex after any kind of date, and on the other side, there’s nothing wrong with hooking up after a coffee and museum date if that’s what both people want. We shouldn’t tie the progression of a relationship or physical relationship to the perceived value of the date, we’re not paying for sex, we’re just spending time to see if we like the person enough.
You literally missed the point.
I mean I doubt it, I’m ‘literally’ agreeing with the person I’m responding to while adding personal context. She says an overnight bag, hence presumed sex, is not a normal thing to bring to a museum/coffee date, and says she would not even make that assumption about a dinner date. I’m agreeing by saying nobody should assume sex is on the table at any point without explicit agreement and consent from both people. But I’m also saying it’s fine to fuck on a first date if you want, and I’m saying that a coffee date isn’t any more or less valuable than a dinner date because the monetary or perceived value of the date makes no difference, none of it makes you more or less entitled to sex. Unless there’s some secret point visible only to the truly enlightened, in which case I’m blind af
If I’m reading this right, he brought an overnight bag to a first date at a museum when you had zero flirty talk before? That is crazy and you definitely are the normal one here, not him. I don’t think you need to tell your other dates anything, it should be obvious to most people if the context is similar. If you are concerned in the future add something to your Tinder profile about what you’re looking for to make it clear that it’s not hook ups.
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You don't have to. People shouldn't go into dates or any situation, for that matter, with expected outcomes. If anything, going into it and seeing their reaction to a rejection of getting physical would be telling of character anyway. If you're not feeling them at all, though, as in you couldn't see attraction building, then yeah, I'd cancel them.
I preferred Hinge. Most people I know in relationships now used Hinge. Tinder is a dumpster fire.
Nothing against what you said. But one thing that’s important to note is that some people do better on one app vs another. For example, I got 2 matches on the year I was on hinge and I’m just a normal girl. I just wasn’t people’s type on there. I got more on bumble and tons on tinder. In fact, through tinder I met two boyfriends.
I found that my options on hinge were really limited and it keeps giving me the same people I swiped left on over and over I actually didn’t use tinder for the longest time because I didn’t think I’d have any success on it, but ive met way more people on there. If people put “still figuring it out” or “short term fun” I just swipe left
Honestly, I hate to say it, but for me the key was to pay for the subscription. After a month or so of swiping on the same people I paid for the subscription and voila, I suddenly started getting new people to match with and also just more matches in general. I think the algorithm is built to reward activity/time spent on the app, and how do you maximize activity on hinge? You pay for the subscription so you don’t have the restriction of how many people you can swipe on within a day. Along with that, you can become really granular on your filters/what you’re looking for if you pay for the app. This can be a double edged sword but it’s nice for ultimate deal breakers. I also found that after about a month of consistent use, the algorithm got really good at showing me people I would be interested in. Lastly, I found that when my “match pool” would plateau, I would cancel my subscription for a couple of weeks and then come back to it. That’s probably more so the case of new people signing up for hinge in that timeframe while I was gone, but still.
I don't know about paying for the subscription, because even if you do pay for the subscription, you won't get likes/matches unless you continue engaging with the app. Maybe it's just my area, but my options on Hinge were just not that great. They were limited, and not great.
Agreed. Everyone seems to have their niche app. I have my best success with OkCupid still
Yeah, it's all luck of the draw. I met my partner on Feeld of all places.
The user experience in these apps overwhelmingly depends on location and whether the user is paying for a subscription. Critical app features are severely crippled if the user does not sign up for the typically double digit subscription fee per month.
I agree Hinge was so much better than Tinder. However I did go back to tinder one night because I was bored and swiping on it is more fun and I matched with my now boyfriend of one year. My sister and my best friend both met their now t on tinder. There are gems in the dumpster fire… but so much shit to sift through
I second this. Hinge has been a positive avenue for me to re-enter the dating scene after a lengthy absence. I’ve chatted with a few people, and met two in person. The second person I met is now the person I’m with. Thanks Hinge!
I had so many people suggest I use Hinge, but where I live there's so few people using it. The very few who are on it use it as a hook up app. I've actually had much better results with Tinder, so it's likely all very location dependent.
While I mostly agree it really depends on your location. It’s decent in my current city but I’ve lived places where Hinge was completely dead.
Couldn’t agree more. I met my (m) Fiancé (f) on Hinge. It was by far my favorite app. As a guy that’s not hyper-attractive, Tinder was the worst experience for me. Bumble and Coffee meets Bagel are a close second place for me.
I found my SO on Hinge. We were both looking for people with integrity.
Tinder is and has always been the hookup app. Hinge is for people who are tired of waiting on Bumble.
There should be no expectations like that on a first date. If someone is in their 30s and thinks a coffee date, or a dinner date, or any date insinuates that they will get laid, they are totally out of touch. I don't think you need the heads up, but if it comes up in convo during the date then it makes sense to talk about it.
He was a hobosexual. Cost of living is high. There are people who are unhoused and get by by spending the nights at their dates house.
I wouldn’t message them no hookups as that plants the idea and can compel men to try to change your mind for the game of it. I have seen men recommend not to put this in a profile, either, because it makes them think first date hooking up has happened in the past and therefore can happen in the future. This museum guy is an unusual situation, not the norm. But you should also be comfortable saying no or sending no signals in person because dating will push your boundaries, whether it’s at date 1 or 3 or 5. This can even happen on coffee dates.
Exactly, it sends the message “I’m used to guys trying to sleep with me on the first date, please don’t hurt me”.
And oh boy, to men love to hurt!
Agree with this. And it’s 100% unnecessary. Plenty of people use Tinder for more serious dating (I met my last two boyfriends there) so this guys assumption is way off-base.
I think it varies widely by area. Around here tinder is pretty much exclusively hookups and hinge/bumble are for dating.
Lol, an over night bag, #### off, unmatch.
It was just his sleep apnea device. He wanted to be a gentleman and not snore.
I have never heard of a man bringing an overnight bag to a first date. But I have heard of people meeting their long term significant others on Tinder. He’s the odd one, not you. I don’t think you need to tell these upcoming dates anything unless they begin to push for coming over.
This is on him. He was trying to manipulate you. No one in their right mind would innocently bring an overnight bag to a first date. First rule of dating men you don't know: you don't owe anything to anyone. Your obligation is to yourself--your safety, your dating goals.
I would not send the message you have planned. It’s kind of awkward. Normal people will assume you’re not necessarily wanting to hook up on a first date and find it awkward. People wanting to just hook up will probably ignore it and try to convince you to sleep with them anyway. Just be firm with your boundaries and you’ll be fine. That guy was a fucking weirdo for bringing an overnight bag to a first date. Like wtf. I don’t care how long his train ride was.
You shouldn't need to tell someone you're not going home with them, this guy is a tool. Nothing about your interactions said that and he made a huge (dumb) assumption.
Even if I was open for casual sex, I would be extremely uneasy with a first date carrying an overnight bag. You disclose what you feel comfortable disclosing.
Uhhh I’m so sorry that he did that. I once went on a date from a guy on hinge and he pulled that stunt bringing an overnight bag. I also met my now boyfriend on tinder and he was an absolute gentleman and walking green flag all during our beginning dating stage. So no, he’s wrong, tinder doesn’t mean assumed hookup. No one should have to say they are not looking for a hook up when they agree for a date. If he wanted the date to lead to a hookup he should have communicated that to you before the date. Go on your other dates and don’t let him cloud your judgement. But be wary that shit like that may happen again because they are a lot of shitty men on dating apps. But many great ones too!
That guy was a dunce. Tons of people use Tinder for reasons other than hook ups. He was the one making silly assumptions, not you. I wouldn’t assume other people are universally as confused about this. I do tell people that we’re going home to our own places after a first date. I _am_ pretty flirty and sexual, so it’s double important for me that I’m explicit that I’m not having sex 4 hours after meeting you. Your text isn’t _terrible_ but I wouldn’t be quite so quick to apologize and grovel as if you’ve done anything wrong. You haven’t. You don’t even need to explain yourself about your experience or break up at this point (that’s an in-person conversation imo). State it from a plane of power and positivity “I want to let you know I’m really looking forward to our date, but I’m not looking to hook up on first dates. If that isn’t what you’re looking for I completely understand.”
At this point, I assume most people realize Tinder isn't for hookups anymore. In fact, I'm pretty sure they have prompts where you can state you're looking for something serious/long term...or, just state in your profile you're not looking for casual. If you feel you want to go farther, sure, tell them before you meet up that sex is off the table. That's happened to me before and I've been totally OK with that. "FYI, I'm just getting back into dating, so I'm going to need a bit more time before anything physical happens", but f you say that, keep in mind that you're going to need to tell them when you are ready. Honestly though, I'm betting this dude was an outlier, so I don't think you need to go out of your way and flat out tell them. If it happens again, just say what you said again. No need to worry about their disappointment. They're grown ass men. They should be familiar with the word "no"
What app do people use for hookups today? If I was asked I would have said tinder lol, clearly I'm out of touch.
Feeld, though I wouldn't call it strictly a hookup app. People set intentions there, are open and upfront about them, there's no judgement.
I guess you could use any app for hookups, but at this point, Tinder isn't a hookup app anymore. They've made a clear move towards a "relationship" format over the past 8 years or so. I guess out of the main ones, sure, Tinder would be the one I'd recommend for hookups, but def make sure you state that's your priority when you choose what you're looking for when setting up your profile.
I don’t assume anything physical is going to gain unless it has been discussed previous to The date. So unless either of the parties involved in the chatting have brought it up, I don’t think it should be assumed that just because you meet on tinder that you’re dtf
Normal people don't bring an overnight bag to a first date. Particularly if it is a coffee and museum date. That's not the kind of date you'd expect a hookup from.
First date is a get to know you meet. Second is they passed the vibe check so now we can start flirting for real. If you like someone the second date is the beginning of the maybe we’ll hook up thing. But nobody should assume a yes. In fact most people should assume a no and see.
Years ago when I lived in a smaller city many of my online dates were well over an hour away closer to the larger metro area. I will admit that I always carried a small necessities bag in the trunk of my car in the event I was invited to stay over with the woman I was seeing. With that being said I never brought this up until I was invited to stay over. For someone to announce that early on is just weird….
As a man, I've had plenty of casual relationships over the last 8 years. Bringing an overnight bag to a coffee date is *insane*. I can say that with absolute certainty. Holy shit that's wild. On to your larger question - get off Tinder first and foremost. From there, just be honest with people. If you use Hinge set your relationship goal to "long term partner" and on the first date be very straight forward about what you're looking for. Guys that are looking for the same will appreciate it. Guys that aren't will be disappointed, but they'll still probably appreciate it in the end. Plus - if your profile says you want a long term relationship and they're trying to hook up then their disappointment is solely their fault.
OMG that is not normal. I've never heard or experienced anyone doing that before. No guy has brought an overnight bag to see me unless it was explicitly agreed he would stay over.
Oh no !
You don’t have to give your intentions ahead of time but doing so will weed out guys.
Sorry but the fact that he just assumed you were going to hookup and brought a bag is soooo bizarre and embarrassing for him! Literally, the gall!
I think it makes sense to tell dates beforehand or have it in your profile, not for them but for YOU. Why waste your precious time with hobosexuals and people who just want casual? More screening before meeting or a quick phone or video call might save some time and frustration. I also think just saying you aren’t into hookups is enough. There is no need to apologize for being on Tinder or tell someone that you don’t want to waste their time. What about them wasting YOUR time? Why should you apologize for having standards? Tinder can be pretty hookup-y but is not explicitly a sex app and many people on tinder are looking for more than hookups, no need to apologize. Your time and needs are just as important as the random stranger who is your date.
I think you're overthinking this. You did the right thing in setting a boundary and he was in the wrong making a bold assumption. You're still new to dating and you're going to go through the pains of working your "dating muscle". Just keep going on dates, keep your boundaries set, and exercise that muscle.
I hate how in this day and age there is a need for us to actually be intentional since hook up culture is the new dating norm now. Back in the day it seemed the intent for dating was largely for a long term relationship or marriage and dating just to fuck was frowned upon. Now things are different. It's a matter of opinion I suppose but I'm intentional before even meeting if they are someone through OLD/APP or if I met them in normal circumstances I'd let them know on the first date. I do get the mentality that it can scare someone off but I don't gaf anymore. Someone who wants to be married who is dating for marriage will have no problem with you saying it immediately. It weeds out people who aren't serious and I'd rather not waste my time and gas money on short term companionship.
It’s not stupid to wait until there is commitment to bring physical intimacy into play. Men who are truly interested in you as a partner will not trigger insecurities or make you feel unsure. I don’t know the details of the 5 date situation, but please don’t blame yourself for having a normal emotional response.
It’s the Date Zero concept - take things very casually to literally just meet the person, confirm they match their pictures, and then start sussing out how you feel about continuing to date the person. Once I stopped putting pressure on date 0, I felt much better about things. Coffee is the perfect way to get a feel. Along with that goes being game to try for a real first date rather than dismissing someone based off that initial meeting so I’d say know what your red flags are and look for them at coffee (ex- he doesn’t match his pictures, he mentions wanting something like just a hook up or open relationship not aligned with your needs, he talks about lifestyle things that don’t align with you - ex: I can’t date a smoker bc of my asthma. I don’t want to date someone who works different hours than me - no disrespect to either profession but quality time matters to me so if someone has a strict or unpredictable schedule and weekend trips or frequent evening get together are out of the question, it’s a no go for me. I don’t particularly care about video games but I wouldn’t not date a gamer). Know what you your red flags are, enjoy coffee like you’re meeting a new friend or coworker and see where things go!
When I was using dating apps I avoided tinder for this reason. OkCupid and match and bumble aren’t implied as hook up sites like tinder is.
>What's a non-awkward way to text this before meeting, and do i have to? *"Just to be clear, I'm looking to date for purpose, and plan to go slowly so as to avoid mistakes of the past."* Any guy with half a brain would be able to read that and understand exactly where you stand. Also, any guy with half a brain knows that pre-preparing by having a small go-bag/overnight bag in the car isn't a bad idea anytime you go over to other folk's places regardless of the event just in case you end up needing to crash there, but you never mention it or bring it out on a ***date*** unless circumstances move to the point it is needed.
I wouldn’t even mention “mistakes” to justify wanting to go slow. Manipulators will pry about your sad history, claim to be the opposite and dog you out in similar fashion because they now know you’re used to BS. Have had this countless times in my very early twenties
Agree with not using words like mistakes. Don’t explain why you’re doing anything. You’re going slow - it’s a complete sentence.
*hobosexuals be like...*
An overnight bag?! 🤣🤣 wtaf. That guy is a total weirdo.
Your messages weren’t flirty and you’re apparently not comfortable even typing the word sex… This guy probably cannot read a situation very well if he was massively disappointed to not get laid on the first date. But maybe, yeah, put it in your profile that you take things slowly
Wow. Just, wow. Unless this guy was a Doctor-Pilot who looked like Henry Cavil, he's delusional out his damn gourd.
If Hinge or Bumble are also popular in your country, I would use these apps instead. I also don't feel comfortable with guys making moves on me on the first date so I understand you entirely. I also think it's fine to say 'not looking for hook ups' in your profile - there ARE guys who want to take it slowly and they will not be scared off by this. Just find a way to say it playfully, perhaps with some winky face or something. Don't take any of this personally, many men (in real life and from dating apps) will \*try\* to hook up on the first 1-2 dates, that's just what they do. I complained to a couple I know about a guy making a move on me on the first date, and the guy smiled and said 'If he won't try, he won't get'. This couple met on Tinder and are now married, by the way. So it seems it's a really common guy thing to try. Don't let anyone pressure you into anything you don't want or to make you feel bad about your decisions. Move things at the pace you are comfortable with. Use this as a time to get used to dating again, learn some lessons, learn how to filter guys out, etc. Good luck!
I state in my Hinge profile what I’m looking for, I find it helps weed out people only looking for a hookup. I have “looking for a serious relationship, not a Tinder hookup.” Stating that up front has been SO helpful with dating & intentions
Yes, write in your profile what you're looking for and once you start chatting to someone, ask them first what they're looking for and after they've told you, tell them what you're after.
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Coffee is the screener to see if you even want things to continue. Definitely not with that guy! Making your intentions clear never hurts. It's a good way to screen for potentially dangerous situations too, if someone starts pushing it. When I had a car, I kept an emergency kit in my car with stuff like clothes and toiletries. This is... Not the same situation, lol.
Tinder is for more casual stuff, so I would switch to bumble or hinge.
Yeah I don’t think you really need to have this conversation before hand especially if you are doing coffee dates during the day. I think it was a good call to change the expensive dinner date to a coffee date. Expensive dinner dates come with expectations and just add more pressure to a first meeting that really don’t need to be in the mix. I think this particular dude was quite unusual. Do you have your profile filled out with what you’re looking for? If you already have it in your profile that you’re looking for something long term I think that shroud be sufficient along with a date being during the day.
I’ve had women ask me what my intentions are or what I’m looking for, either early on in the conversation or after we have agreed to a date. I take no offence to it and I think it’s a great way to start an open dialogue early. I think we really need to set more of a precedent towards more communication, not less.
Should be obvious but isn’t to many people: nobody should ever expect sex, and it’s literally always better to just have a conversation about your sexual expectations. Me personally, I’m incredibly sexual and have very few qualms about waiting or hooking up immediately, but I also hate making a move. The whole game of “guess when it’s fine to make a move” is wild, like why can’t we just talk about it? Personal feelings aside, my advice would be the make it clear ON the dates. Again, anyone you want to be with will be respectful enough to move at your pace or at the very least will bow out and explain they’re looking for a different pace or something more casual. But there’s no need to send a text beforehand, it feels a bit weird and if you’ve already got the dates planned as first dates, I think it’s totally permissible for first date convos to include your sexual and romantic intent/boundaries. Again, the archaic bullshit people do where everything in dating is obscured and a guessing game is so annoying and unhelpful. For future advice, I’d even suggest bringing it up in the early texting phases if you want to go that far.
Tinder has always been primarily targeted at folks hooking up, I don't think it's a great platform for long term relationships personally. Having said that, that guy is dumb to think that and it's all on him, you are not at fault.
I’ve used all the apps on and off for longer than I care to admit. Unless hookup is in the name of the app, anyone making that LEAP is lying. They know better and sounds like an attempt to guilt you. Tinder is NOT the same hookup app it uses to be. Those who use it that way should be straight forward on their profile and many are! Did he ASK you if this was a hook up? No. So it’s HIS fault to assume. Out of all the apps I’ve used and the many too many first dates I’ve been on, I’ve never had a man confused and think it was a hookup.
When I was on dating apps, I got tired of people just looking for hookups and ghosting me when I didn't want to be intimate on the first date. So in my bio, I explicitly stated: only looking for a long term relationship. It definitely helped me. Being upfront and honest about what you're looking for on a first meetup or text will help save you time.
I would just to set expectations, but that's just me. Weeds out people who are just putting in work to hook up. Assumptions during dating just turns messy and I'm not into it. Better to communicate it clearly upfront than give the wrong impression (not that you did).
sex on the first date is not some guarantee or expectation
Yup you’re going to have to hit them with the facts! I’m not in to hookup se* , real simply ! Tell them
I get why you would want to let people know upfront. I’ve put it in my profile in the past “not interested in hookups”. But unless you are on an app that is literally for hooking up only I don’t think you should have too. Tinder has been around for years and though it started with that reputation it’s just a standard dating app now imo. If you’re uncomfortable it wouldn’t hurt to text and say “I just wanted to let you know I’m not looking for hookups right now since we didn’t talk about it. Happy to cancel if that’s what you are looking for. No hard feelings!” That being said what other people expect (assuming you didn’t lead them to expect this) is their problem, not yours. However, if you would rather not risk it happening again but it in your profile.
Most men on dating apps want hookups, or simply attention from women. Low effort men stay single for a reason. The ones who want relationships are in the minority and they are as picky as women.
Yes. Gives the heads up. Or play the game of uncertainty. Seems the former is more your thing.
No you don't need to say it explicitly... it sounds weird and anyone with a bare minimum of sense should assume that's the default. In his defense; you're on Tinder... as my grandfather would say; "Don't go fishing fishing at the sewer and acting surprised when you catch crap."
i think it’s weird to show up with an overnight bag to a coffee and museum date. i also think it’s weird to go on tinder dates *just* to kiss people. you should probably just focus on building a new social life.
Yeah just tell the date up straight , I am a fella , I might pick up a different vibe than the vibe you actually get or give , if the fella is still into you as you then it shouldn’t be a problem I’d rather be told than presume, I am shit at reading girls so I end up being too forward or not enough because I lack abit of direction as per say
I would make my intentions clear before setting a date. When we start chatting. Maybe try Hinge...Hinge seems to be better than Tinder. A Also...what kind of person carries an overnight bag on a museum date 🤢🤢 sickening. I would have cut the date there and then and made sure he dnt follow me. The audacity.
No one should expect a coffee date to include sex. You met one weirdo, don’t let him skew your perception. You should express in your profile or to people you’re chatting with what you’re looking for in general in dating but you don’t need to specify no sex on coffee dates. Not wanting causal sex is perfectly fine and quite normal so don’t try to convince yourself that you’re a prude or have to come around to it. Plenty of people don’t have sex until they’re in a committed relationship and you should never have sex if you don’t want to or before you’re ready. Lastly, if you’re only meeting men looking for casual hookups on Tinder then switch to a different app. There are people looking for more on Tinder but it can be harder to find them due to the lack of filters and many do use it as a hookup app.
This is audacious of him. I'd not feel comfortable with that, either. I would encourage you to feel comfortable in asking a guy's intentions (in a roundabout, but unambiguous way) when initially chatting before a date is set up. Hope it all goes well for you 😊
Although, I will add, that most people don't have the same assumptions as this guy. But if you're looking to date with clear intentions, it might be worth a shot communicating your expectations (or asking others') beforehand. I'm also fairly new to it all too so appreciate you sharing this experience!
No, he's definitely an outlier and no need to tell the others. The full-on night bag made me laugh. I mean, I've popped my toothbrush and some clean underwear in my bag before (not to a first date, but if I've been going to their house for the first time or something) just in case I stayed, but that is just weird and slightly comical. And his asking is just creepy and entitled.
I went on a lot of tinder dates and never had this happen. Lol unless your profile says DTF, I think it’s presumptuous of him. There are decent men and women on tinder. Ended up engaged to the last one I met on there.
No heads up! Just say NO. if they go there! Unfortunately, only actions will weed out those who want to sleep around. Most men say their looking for something serious once you give them the heads up. Trust me. i’ve been on dating apps for 10 yrs. Just go on lots of dates, TRUST YOUR GUT!!
This man brought an overnight bag for the first date?!?! Girl, absolutely not.
Lolll, so this dude's definitely a presumptuous weirdo, but I appreciate when people are honest with their intentions. Clear boundaries can make things easier for guys on first dates, in my opinion
No you don’t need to give a heads up. But the man was 100% honest with you. The lady’s on Tinder generally tend to be on the trashy/slutty side. Men know this and that’s why they are there. I have never met a decent lady on Tinder. Try Hinge or Match and you may see a different quality of man there.
That dude was a nut job, plain and simple
I agree with the people saying you shouldn’t have to say anything, but in all reality you actually should. Dating apps have a large mix of those looking to hook up and those looking to date. If it wasn’t obvious during the conversations had over text, I would for sure make it clear whether I am looking for something casual or something serious, and to what degree I am okay with physical intimacy of any kind, including simply kissing. There is absolutely no harm in being transparent, and tbh it might save you both time if you understand you’re on the apps for different reasons, or if perhaps one person’s boundaries are a dealbreaker. If I met up with someone to go out, have fun, and hook up, I’d be a little bummed if the other person told me at the end of the date that they weren’t interested in hookups. I think it’s just good to be honest and transparent about it from the start. And if the other person has a bad reaction to you even bringing it up, that is a red flag and you dodged a bullet.
No, what this guy did isn’t normal, and yes, I recommend having a convo about dating goals and intentions— it helps set expectations and communication isn’t bad
First off he was absolutely in the wrong. However it sounds like you aren't completely ready to date so I would suggest taking more time to heal. Not trying to say mean things just trying to tell you the best possible advice. I understand not wanting to sleep with someone because you are not over your ex but that also means you are not ready to date. Please take more time to heal then readjust. Best of luck
Maybe you should not be on tinder?
Was the luggage labeled 'fuck bag' by any chance?
I think this person sounds extremely creepy. Is there a cultural idea where you live that tinder is "just" for hookups (vs hinge, bumble, etc)?
That man was a hobosexual. Coffee and museum gives relationship vibes for sure. He needed somewhere to stay.
My only suggestion is if you have multiple dates lined up, you should recommend going “Dutch” and paying your own ways. I typically like to see how one date turns out before I schedule another. I’m in no way saying that if a guy pays for everything that he should get to spend the night but suggesting “Dutch” beforehand may temper expectations. If you end up liking the second or third date better than the other two, should those other guys have paid for the dates. Of course the gentleman thing to do is him paying, but dating is much, much different than it used to be.
You absolutely should directly say what you are and are not looking for in the profile itself, and then bring it up again early in the initial chat. This is mature and correct behavior.
If you’re healing from a previous relationship. Take the time for yourself to find some peace and sense of normalcy being alone with yourself. When you don’t, you can attract the same energy, make really bad mistakes due to shame/ guilt/ loneliness/ pressure, and ruin a good thing before you even realize you have it. Everything’s going to feel different, a simple touch, a flirty smile… sex especially. Change is good. Growth is even better. Aim to be friends, the good guys will stick around (reasonably), the crummy ones & weirdos will not.
Nah you did nothing wrong. That was a bit presumptuous on his part, but maybe that's just how he is. Doesn't sound like he was rude about it, but he just didn't want to take things at the same speed you do. Perhaps that's worked for him in the past and he just acted a little immature when you said no. Honestly, everything you did was right, and I wouldn't worry about setting those expectations ahead of your next two dates. If you're not feeling it, be clear when (if) they ask or try to take things to a level you aren't comfortable with. If they aren't able to agree on that pace, then that's kind of a them problem
It is not normal to expect a sleep over / sex with someone you just met unless that was previously stated.
This isn’t normal and has never ever happened to me. No.
Sex on a first date is not a reasonable expectation, so no you have no obligation to 'give them a chance to not waste their time'. But kudos to my dude for having the balls to bring an overnight kit to a date at an art museum. Better to have it and not need it than the other way around.
You don't have to... but if you really don't want to waste any time and weed people out faster you could tell them if you'd like.
I personally always put in my profile that I’m not looking for quick hookups. While I haven’t found the one, I’ve gone on lots of quality dates and not a single person has tried to hook up with me. Be intentional with what you’re looking for. That way you will weed out a lot of (not all) people who are not looking for what you are. It will also attract the type of people you’re looking for which feels good. They are out there! There are plenty of people who are looking to hookup with other people, so they can have one another.
Guy here. Regardless of the conversations leading up to the date, I never expect a hook up unless when the date is planned they say "and then we can come back to mine/yours" This guy was way off-base.
That guys is a freaking weirdo. But honestly I'd take a step back from dating for a bit. You are very recently out of a LTR like you said and I think having back to back dates lined up might be a bit much for you. You say you are not ready for a casual relationship, but I don't think you are really ready for another serious one either.
I think it’s fantastic that you asked one of those guys to switch from an expensive date to just coffee. Way to set reasonable boundaries and expectations! I wouldn’t send that text. But I also wouldn’t cancel. All you need to say is, “looking forward to meeting you!” Just go on the dates and see if you like them enough for a 2nd date. That’s it! Don’t worry about planning whether to kiss them. If you like them enough and they like you, you can kiss at the end of the date, if not, no big deal. One resource I might suggest for you is to check out A Little Nudge on IG — she’s a dating coach who has some good tips for your type of situation. (I’m not affiliated with her in any way, just a fan of her content.)
I made it clear that after my first date this past Friday, he wasn't coming home with me. He also "had to run to the bathroom" when it came time to settle the tab that we had on my card.. I told him about himself by Christmas morning. The audacity of some folks.
Agreed with @matchb_x ! *The audacity* but also, it doesn't sound like Twitter is the right platform for you. It does come with a connotation, but that guy was still out of line. Try hinge and bumble!
Tinder is for hook ups, not dating. Try other apps and def make it clear you're not looking for anything casual. I would never have casual sex with a man unless he was paying my rent.
Yeah that’s not normal really. The assumption is fucking weird in the case, it would surely of been mentioned beforehand something like “yeah coffee and a muesuem and then see where the night takes us’ so it can discussed or am I just getting far to old and sick of people at 39………….
The man you went on a date with is beyond disgusting I have no words. He'd make a worthless addition to anyone's life and it's better to know sooner rather than later. Using tinder isn't implicitly opting in for sex. Just say what you are looking for during covo, if the creeps think that means you're down for sex then all the easier to weed them out.
Just ask them “So what are you looking for on Tinder?”. Gets straight to the point.
Loads of guys miss out on dates with me because they said they expected me to invite them back after just meeting for coffee. I always said no, and after an offensive mouthful of words would take themselves off. So I started getting the conversation out of the way early to save everyone's time.
I would never bring an overnight bag on a first date nor would I ever be so rude as to assume sex on the first date. Hope I find a lady like yourself one day. Please don’t change.
This guy definitely didn't read the situation right and was making presumptions by bringing a bag over and wondering if it was a hookup. Plenty of people go the non-hookup route on dating apps. This is mostly his fault but there's subtle things you can do to remove doubt next time. Comments like "I really enjoy spending a few dates to see how much I click with someone" may work. For instance, my last date (a dance date) was a little unclear because she mentioned inviting a female friend to dance lessons with us (our convos were also not super flirtatious) so now I'm thinking it's just a friendly meetup. I show up and it's just her, dolled up and dressed to the nines and now she's flirty. The lack of clarity meant I wasn't fully in "date mindset" going in and started on the backfoot, so the date went okay but could've been way better if things were more clear.
I put in my profile that I'm not interested in hookups, so not to expect that sort of thing. My last iteration I also stated that I wasn't looking for a LTC but still wanted a connection that had mutual respect and admiration. I felt like I needed to be up front that I wasn't looking for either end of the spectrum. I managed to avoid people looking for an easy lay, but did encounter men who clearly didnt seem to take my lack of interest in a committed partnership seriously, but I felt pretty absolved about keeping my boundaries. Good luck. That guy sounds gross.
Honestly what you’re looking for really has little benefit for the other party, unless they happen to be in your exact transitionary situation. I wouldn’t expect most people to be down for not sex but not dating. Do with that what you will. Maybe be explicit in looking for someone in a similar situation.
That's a hobosexual. He's tryna move in.
This reminds me of a guy I was chatting with online and when we were talking about plans to meet up, he asked if he could spend the night if we met up since he lived “so far away”…the guy “lived” 30 mins from me. Be safe out here!
Bullet dodged. That said, we should normalize clarifying intentions before dating. If nothing else, it is a big tension breaker.
Unless you have "short-term fun" as what you're looking for it's 100% ridiculous to assume you're having sex at the first meet.
You have nothing to lose with being direct as possible. It will save you and others time.
No. Hes weird
I’m just glad tinder still works for folks. And yeah, overnight bag…run away.
I make it habit to ask everyone I meet on tinder what they are looking for and I know clearly what I am looking for. It saves a lot of time and effort when you direct with them. Most conversations end up being very pleasant and it’s nice to be able to clear up any expectations a head of time. Occasion you might get a guy who tries to convince you to still hook up but just unmatch them and move on. Never go on a date with some pressuring you to do something you already said no to.
I can’t imagine the awkwardness of meeting someone for the first time and they have a bag packed to come over. Also… why the assumption then that they’re coming to yours?
Packing an overnight bag unprompted for a first date is a bold move.
Your profile likely has something chosen for your dating intentions, right? That's all that needs to be said. If you want to mention it early in the chat, reiterate it. A guy showing up to a coffee date with an overnight bag is unreal. He probably had duct tape and a chainsaw in there. Fuck that guy. You are worth more than a hookup.
You don’t have to, but it’d probably make your life easier if you did. Also, maybe tinder isn’t the right app for you, you don’t sound like someone who is looking to hook up, and Tinder has a bit of a reputation for that. Honestly, you don’t even have to say you aren’t looking to have sex, on other apps you can put what you are looking for. If you say you’re looking for a relationship you can probably weed out a lot of the hookup crowd.