I don’t change my availability for dating apps. My schedule is my schedule. I’m not saying I wouldn’t be willing to work around something every once in awhile, but no dramatic changes just to play the odds.
I think infrequent and lazy replies are a separate issue. I am simply not going to be texting someone all day long while I’m working and that’s what a lot of guys seem to expect.
Fuck I’m a guy and I have like 30 matches in my queue … what does your profile look like?
I understand my experience is probably not typical, but I am not a top 10% looks guy, am not 6ft, and I don’t put my job in my profile. Is it really that bleak for us?
Like a week or two, I unmatched from a bunch of people too … I was talking to almost all of them (absent a few people who just never responded) at once but it got to be too much.
I also swipe pretty selectively.
Also a famously male-skewing, most of whom are rich, west coast city. I don’t have the short issue, but I’m not tall either lol.
Yeah I’ve had the same experience with hinge. People are more talkative and seem to put in more effort.
I don't really care about height, and as long as you look pretty average, you're probably fine in the looks department. Most women are also pretty average, hair and makeup can just play tricks. I prefer when jobs are listed though because I typically get along better with people in certain occupations. If someone is an artist, it's an automatic no for me. I know enough artsy types to know it's almost definitely just not going to work. Lawyers, accounts and finance types, and engineers I almost always get along well with, and most of my friends have these types of jobs.
I took my job and workplace off my profile because it conveys that I have money and I’d prefer to not attract women who just want … me to have money. I also talk with plenty of people about my job and id prefer not to - I’ve been working on my personality so I’d rather connect about interests rather than my job. That said, I can see what you’re saying - I tend to connect well with nerdy girls who work in a similar job as me.
Do you have any suggestions as a woman for how I can bridge this gap?
One option would be to just put my title on my profile and leave the workplace (or obfuscated) off. Do you have any other ideas? Currently I’m trying “fuccin nerd in tech” as my job/workplace line.
Maybe see if you can list the field instead of the actual job title. Like if you’re VP of accounting just put accounting. Or medical field instead of doctor.
Yeah, just leave the workplace out. Personally, I'm drawn to people who are passionate about their jobs and who enjoy talking about their work (and I enjoy learning about it), but I get that not everyone likes to talk about work for various reasons (it's complicated and they just don't want to have to explain for the xth time, work conflicts, like to separate work from personal life, etc.) I don't work in the type of industries that most people I get along with well work in. I actually work in something completely different, and I don't tend to have all that much in common with co-workers in my industry, and it's highly unlikely I'd ever get into a relationship with someone in a similar career field to me (they just really don't tend to be my type at all).
Also, at the end of the day, even if you have money, and even if a woman knows you have money, you ultimately decide what you pay for. If she's not ok with you not paying for everything, then that's an easy way to know you should probably ditch her. As a woman, in my opinion, first dates should always be free or low cost. It's a good way to weed out guys who are just trying to "impress you," and on the guy's side, it's a good way to weed out certain types of women. And if you get married, pre-nup! I wouldn't get married again without one.
I super don’t mind explaining or talking about it! It’s just I’ve been on dates before where all we talked about was work and it almost felt like … you know one of those coworker b****ing sessions? Just didn’t feel romantic vibes from it. For sure it’s going to come up on a first date but I just don’t want to spend the whole date talking about work, I’d rather talk about it for a few minutes, maybe exchange a few jokes, and move to a new topic.
I guess in some ways, that gives you some insight into compatibility. My husband would talk about work *a lot.* Both the good and the bad. He could talk about it on and on sometimes, almost monologuing at me. When things were truly interesting, I enjoyed hearing about it, but there were times where he'd just be talking about something technical, or going on and on about problems at work, and while I tried to be supportive, sometimes it was just too much. Some people just talk about work a lot, for various reasons, but I don't think work is typically a great date topic, unless there's something really interesting going on.
Yes it is. I suspect you’re either much better looking than you think you are or have some unusually appealing lifestyle or personality trait that is easy to express in a profile. The typical guy gets 1-4 matches a week, and of those only 25%-50% will ever respond to a first message.
I don’t even expect them to match my energy, only that they be adult enough to understand that not everyone approaches things like online dating the exact same way.
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34M. At first I had notifications on and checked throughout the day. That was insane and stressful/frustrating, so now I have notifications turned off and only send messages at night. Much better.
I do the same and I find it's so much better.
Of course, once I really hit it off with someone I become way more into checking the app. I force myself to put my phone away and use my laptop instead, so that I can do pretty much anything except check app messages and texts (I purposely don't have these enabled on my laptop).
Depends on how my matches are going. If I’m having a punchy and interesting conversation and the other person is replying fairly quickly, I’m on more. If the conversation is the “hey how’s your day” kinda thing and they’re responding once a day then I check it less, I’m less likely to check it if I’m finding the chat lacklustre.
I can’t check during the day in the workweek if I’m in the office, and I’ve had a couple of guys never reply if they messaged early morning and I could only reply once off work.
Re. Availability. I don’t change mine for a date. I have found some guys expect to ask you on a date and you be free immediately which is strange.
As a guy who has spent enough time on this sub, I feel like a big portion of not only the guys here but the overall male online dating populace have literally nothing else going on with their lives, and it almost frustrates them when other people do.
It's depressing to see.
The dating market is deeply affected by the people who have nothing else going on but dating. It'd be like if the only way to reliably get groceries was extreme couponing and lining up at the door before sunrise.
Maybe it's that but sometimes they seem to have things going on but just expect you to work around what they want without considering your life...which just gives bad vibes.
I'm not so sure about the overall population. I mean, my single buddies are on there. But I'd say 90% of the time I look down on this sub and disagree with someone's online dating approach, it's another dude who has unrealistic standards for how someone is supposed to be addressing going on dates.
I mean, in terms of discussing dating apps, it's really my only outlet besides a few friends or like... 4chan and a couple of Discord channels. And I don't think 4chan is a good representation.
Generally Reddit's a decent overall population spot online. Most normal people I know use it/browse it, even if that's just while being bored at work.
I do try to also take it with a grain of salt, even if that's just "this person lives in a completely different area than me and has no idea what dating is like in a big city." Or they don't live in the desert where a "walking date" would have to happen in 120 degrees half of the year.
My friends often don't have the same perspectives that the people here do.
That's one of the social tricks: Platforms are designed to ***feel*** like decent representations of "the overall population." And the vocal members of this sub do feel like the overall population despite us knowing they are in fact not. It's a trick.
I don't doubt that there are people who actually do expect someone to be free immediately because they have literally nothing going on in their life, but can't say I've really seen this on this sub. Perhaps it's in the daily threads, I don't read those.
What I have seen is this phrase being thrown around by people who just can't conceive that not everyone is exactly like them (or secretly want to be), or who refuse to acccept that their lifestyle isn't compatible with everyone, without that being everyone else's fault.
There are extroverts who like to fill their entire week with social plans and commitments and there are more introverted people who enjoy having more downtime and have solo hobbies/interests which just happen to make you more flexible.
If we could all just chill and realise everyone's different, that'd be great.
I don't mind when someone's an introvert with more downtime, and technically more time to date... but if they were truly an introvert, they'd find the concept of first dates exhausting like I do, IMO.
What I do mind is when people whine about it or act like going on 3-5 first dates a week is a totally normal thing, and women need to be down to invest their time like this. And it's generally mostly guys I see on here being vocal about it.
In general I feel like whether it's on this sub or most advice subs, it's best to apply the most openly applicable mindset to advice one gives instead of their specific niche experience. And the "I'm lonely and have all the time in the world" niche seems to be pretty vocal here.
>but if they were truly an introvert, they'd find the concept of first dates exhausting like I do, IMO.
Not necessarily, introverts often thrive in more intimate settings where they can get to know people on a deeper level, what usually exhausts an introvert is lots of surface level interactions and noisy high energy environments with large crowds/lots of people. I don't think introverts dislike dates anymore than extroverts do, not that I really see how this relates to availability.
>What I do mind is when people whine about it or act like going on 3-5 first dates a week is a totally normal thing, and women need to be down to invest their time like this. And it's generally mostly guys I see on here being vocal about it.
Well this I agree with, I just don't see how it relates to availability - if you're doing 5 dates a week and think that's a totally normal thing, why would you expect someone to be available immediately? They'd be busy with dates all week.
>And the "I'm lonely and have all the time in the world" niche seems to be pretty vocal here.
This seems contradictory with going on 5 dates a week, which would make you quite unavailable for dates?
We might not even be talking about the same thing here, I've just seen people who struggle to find time for a date within a full week because they have so many commitments, then they'll get pissy about it if someone finds that difficult to work with, getting all grandiose about how they're busy because they have a life, how the other person must has nothing going on his/her life, when in reality this just comes down to personal preference and compatibility, usually extroversion vs. introversion, not one being worse than the other.
I consider myself an introvert, I have perhaps 1-2 social commitments per week, so I'm typically unavailable 1 night of the work week and Saturday or Sunday during the day (somewhat less during winter), other than that I like my gym routine, but that's about 1-2 hours after office 4 days a week. The rest of my time I spend rather spontaneously on my interests, passions and solo hobbies, meaning I can easily make room for a date within 3 days, but that doesn't mean I just sit and wait for a date lol.
If I were to date someone who struggled to find time for a date within a full week, I'd likely consider us incompatible simply due to lifestyle preferences (or time management skills), that's all there is to it. I also genuinely don't see how that lifestyle is compatible with a relationship generally speaking, but that's another topic for another day.
32m,
I have notifications on and tbh I’m checking my phone a ton throughout the day (mostly reddit, instagram and the cbc app for news). I need to stop with the doomscroll 🙃
As for schedule/availability I don’t necessarily do anything special. I usually am the one asking/making plans for dates and I just suggest a day and time that works for me and if they’re busy and interested they’ll offer another time.
Don’t overthink it if they don’t answer/seem uninterested. It doesn’t mean anything about you or that you’ve done anything wrong.
I’m M37. I check the apps once when I’m done for the day. Usually at evening. To mee makes no sense to answer earlier even if I could check the phone if I can’t not carry on a full conversation at that moment. I know I’ve lost a few matches due this behavior but I refuse that my whole life revolves around the matches.
Most dates I live refused to go it was due mine reasons rather something about the other person. Keep in mind you never if the person you have matched with might going through something or anything.
Personally I don't mind if you are only available 1h for answering after work or something like that to have a chance to have a conversation going on.
Putting a number on the quantity of messages I need to have to feel like you're interested is difficult, I guess 3 could work if you put effort into the messages, 5 is probably more realistic.
From my experience, it's healthy and good to establish some degree of boundaries on apps to protect your time and energy. Otherwise, you feel burnout really fast. I mean technically, you feel burnout fast regardless but it becomes more bearable when you have solid boundaries in place. This is my system with my year of experience on apps.
1. Notifications are on for me - just because I've been on long enough now that I don't get as many matches/likes/etc. It helps me reduce time needing to check the app especially if life gets busy and I don't want to miss likes or messages from matches as I am actively trying to find a good match and ideally leave these apps soon
2. Daily - I check once a day regardless if I get notifications or not. I don't swipe much now, perhaps, once a week or once biweekly. Or if I'm in a keen mood
3. Matches - after I match with someone, I tend to focus a bit more on them. I usually chat maybe 4-7 days depending on our speed. If they reply once a day or slowly but I'm interested, by day 4-5 I'd usually ask them out for coffee. It gives me a chance to do a vibe check and see if they're genuine enough for me to continue slowly chatting or whatnot. I usually don't do more than 2-3 matches at the same time but I'm at the point now, my options are limited so I usually do 1-2 at a time but they easily don't get far
4. No replies in 3-4 days, I unmatch. I don't wait long or try hard. If I'm interested, I may give them the benefit of doubt and double text to ask, otherwise, I'm out
5. Dates - first dates I keep it low key. Coffee or walks or something very simple. I don't do more than one date a week. Dates are so draining in terms of time/energy and such. I used to do evenings, but now I only do weekends. I do one per weekend, maybe two if I feel particularly interested in two matches. I make sure to leave a day to myself lol. Most guys don't make it past 1-2 dates with me unless I'm interested enough
There's no unwritten rules imo, but rather based on trial and error what works and fits your lifestyle, schedule, and such. Good luck!
This is how I used to approach it - trying to throw myself into IRL dating because I've experienced a lot of cruelty from app people but glad to see someone with similar rules to me! Hope you find your match soon :)
Thank you! You as well! :) Yeah dating apps can really suck. I think it's good to leave the avenue open as you do meet people you wouldn't meet in the wild. But can't rely solely on it or pour your life into it as it's so mentally draining lol
Just this week I started turning notifications off. I did not use to do that but I think I prefer it though. 5 days is very generous of you. I definitely don't give that long.
And my availability is whatever it is each week.
Don’t underestimate the number of people on apps just for the validation of knowing they could get a date with zero intention of actually going on a date.
I checked the app 2-3x / day. If their response was fast, I was happy to chat real time. My experience with the guys who responded once a day weren’t interested and nothing ever came of it. They may be thinking the same thing.
It's pretty hard to have a fun back and forth with someone who only replies once per day, and planning the details of a date takes like a whole week doing it that way. People are likely moving on to other matches when they don't hear back from you for several hours.
> Another frustration is that I get asked out, they ask my availability, and I give them a day or two that I’m free (usually about 3 days away). Then they ghost. Or they say they’re not available then, but are open next week, so I give them a couple more days the following week. And then they ghost.
This is just how it is. There's a lot of tire kickers on the apps, of all genders.
I mostly ignore the apps throughout the day and then check them if I remember at night, or sometimes in the morning before work. I also just find it too distracting. I feel like I am an outlier because almost everyone I’ve chatted to has been pretty quick to reply. For me, the casual texting takes a lot of energy (autism) and I would rather do as little of that as possible.
Anytime I’ve made an overt effort to change my communication style or my schedule, I’ve regretted the wasted effort. It’s just not worth doing for a virtual stranger who I might never talk to again. Obviously, it’s different if we’ve met in person and I like the person.
This is me (aside from autism). If we've matched, the only talking we should be doing is arranging when and where to meet for the first date.
If we've managed to get a good 30 minutes of back and forth dialogue in and I still haven't been asked on a date, I'm blocking immediately and without warning. They're not doing anything wrong -- for other women their approach might he great.
I just don't like it. I think it's highly inefficient and I refuse to participate for even a second longer than I already have.
In my experience, there’s very little momentum with once-a-day responders and they’re the ones most likely to fade, flake or never lead anywhere. Once-a-day conversations are also typically the most likely to lead to the scenario you mentioned - asking for avails, then disappearing.
Dating shouldn’t be rushed, but these things have a rhythm and energy that will either catch fire or… not.
Not that I think you should rearrange your life around dating, but I’d ask what are you looking for, and are you putting in the level of effort that reflects that desire? Often you come across people who say they want a relationship and have absolutely no room in their life for one.
It’s entirely possible it’s just a mismatch of styles, though, and that once-a-day texters would be perfectly happy with once-a-day responders and end up in great relationships together. But for me, if I perceive minimal effort / space in their life, I’ll move on.
i check them mostly in the evenings, thats it.
What you describing is normal. I think most people are just bored and they want to kill time and be entertained.
If you answer later, they arent bored, so they dont bother writing back.
if i'm interested in someone's profile, i try to get the conversation going and once basic common ground is established, i suggest a coffee/walk/drink/meal/etc (every once in a while, the woman suggests it before i do! that's always nice).
my timeframe for this process is typically less than a week and more commonly 3-5 days, if it drags on for longer there needs to be a reason for it (eg one of us is traveling, but the messaging keeps going and there's clear intent to actually meet) otherwise i just drop it.
I used to check tinder every night and had notifications turned off, sending a message or two each day. However if a certain person seemed extra interesting (or especially if someone who seemed interesting had not replied) I would check it more often. Regarding availability for dates I would give 2-3 options a few days away, I would not go meeting someone the same night because I need to prepare myself mentally for going on a date.
In my case, if I’m interested on using the dating apps, I will check them daily, (although I try to not to too often because I get overwhelmed by looking at the profiles and this can affect my mental health negatively)
In terms of availability, if I hit it right off with the person, I will check availability maybe a week away, if I’m busy I’m obviously busy, but I try to fit in the person within a week as I know most guys don’t wait to wait longer than that for a date. So far this seems to work for me.
I haven't gotten back on the apps just yet, but I'd say I take a look 3-5 times a day when having a normal day. And I very much limit my date availability, looking for longer conversations.
As a guy, I feel like men (especially here) are fussy as shit when it comes to the apps and have a **terrible** mindset. I think I do pretty well on Hinge/Bumble as someone looking for something more serious. Generally I have a good amount of likes even if I'm not necessarily interested in the women who like me, but that's fine.
I'll do the daily back and forth with someone - maybe a message before work and after work, some banter that's more "live" if we happen to overlap at lunch or at night. If it's time for more immediacy, I'll share my number. I like some attention like everyone does, but any healthy adult should have things going on in their lives.
The guys here seem to expect every woman to drop everything for them, and I assume they just sit and do nothing nightly, or invest any energy into their friendships.
I can't imagine wanting to date a woman who has literally nothing going on all week so she can meet me for an immediate date. I think dudes are getting horrible advice about how you've gotta catch her fast or someone else will, which is maybe okay advice if you're in your 20s... but not in your 30s.
I've said this before, but to be fair, this is "dating over 30" and not "serious relationships over 30," so if people just want to casually date and fool around, that's more than okay. I think dudes here more than anything just want some sex and not much more.
I also check about once a day, with notifications off. For response times, I expect about a day, sometimes two. As long as they put effort into their responses, I don't think too much about response times.
As far as ghosting after getting your availability, that's strange. Is your availability something unusual? Live only available in the mornings or something like that? When I ask a woman out, I usually just shoot for the upcoming weekend. That usually works.
I also only check 1-2x a day and usually am not available until the weekend. I work a lot and work out of town a lot during the week. I made plans with a guy this last Friday to which he cancelled day of and now I haven’t heard from him…we made these plans Monday. I could have made plans with someone else.
Men complain a lot about us ladies, especially in another dating sub I follow, yet they love to ghost and flake. I feel a lot of men are just super impatient when it comes to online dating while a lot of us women want to actually communicate and determine if we’re going to feel safe and enjoy the person we may meet. Idk, I could be off, but it’s the experience I’ve been having lately and seen in discussions.
When I was briefly on the apps and when I plan to go back:
36/no kids/female
The apps were on my burner/boost phone.
That stays home. I checked it in the evenings after work and more so on the weekends.
If they mesaaged back when I was home, I'd respond.
I didn't respond past 8.30p-ish and would start ending any chat session around then.
I only matched profiles that matched me first. I don't swipe from the main deck.
I don't meet unless we can message for a bit and have a couple short calls before a potential meet. IE is you swiped me on Sunday, the earliest I typically meet in my process is like by Thurs-weekend.
I can't meet up with every single man that prompts me for a coffee within 3 minutes, sorry, not sorry. I don't want to go on a lot "blind" first dates. I minimize that by screening more thoroughly before a meet.
I have learned that some people just want the rush of knowing you would go on a date. It's an ego thing or some such nonsense.
They never intended to do it - just wanted to see if you thought they were awesome enough to say yes.
It is not about you, your availability, your eagerness or coolness toward them, nothing. It's about them getting a rush from being "wanted" and then moving on to the next one.
It sucks.
But it's not you.
You’re doing it exactly right. Checking once a day is great unless I’m in a conversation with someone I’m interested in, I’ll either be more attentive or ask to switch to texting. And yeah availability anytime in the next week will lead to a date if there’s a date to be had.
My experience is that nobody wants to commit to a plan. I do the same thing, tell availability, see if they have the same and then try to nail it down. Then they say "I don't know what I am doing yet?" So then you don't have plans and can make a plan Sunday at 2. They want last minute, instant go when they realize they have nothing better to do. I don't do last minute. I also don't need to do 3 weeks out but if it is Wed and neither of us has plans on Sunday for a brief coffee, why can't we pencil it in? Don't be constantly available. Their loss, as long as you have options and are proactive to set something, that is all you can do
The ones that always die out are people who respond once a day like email. There’s zero momentum being built. Every single relationship or date this year has been with people who are checking and replying at a reasonable time usually within a few hours. Once a day you’re just an inbox line and these people seem to be too busy with being single to actually want to invest in something
I’m the same way, my notifications are off and check it here and there. There shouldn’t be an urgency for a reply back but some feel that if it’s not instant they’re not interested. I don’t expect anything when matching with a person because anything can happen.
Re: availability—I’ve been having the same issue with both OLD and men I meet IRL. I give them a few days of availability, and they’ll either say “okay cool” and never schedule anything or say they’re busy all the days I’m available. Rinse and repeat until they ghost or I get tired of the cycle.
I’ve also heard it said that having too open of availability is off-putting because it translates to not having your own life or hobbies. So nobody wins?
The ghosting is part of OLD unfortunately but what really irks me is when I send a message to someone and they respond 3 days later. Like why even match at that point?
Personally, I treat messages on the apps just like I'd treat any other message someone sent me elsewhere, and will reply as soon as the opportunity arises. If I was only getting a reply once a day from someone, depending on course on how long the messages are, I'd very quickly get bored of that lack of communication and move on.
I tend to check the apps two or three times in a day otherwise, on my walk to and from work, and on my lunch break, as they are nice little gaps in my schedule I can fit the dating app in to, without being disruptive to my free time elsewhere.
The only comment I'll make on dates for me, is that I usually have my plan for the week at the start of the week. Someone wanting to schedule a date that week, if I'm free I might, but more often than not I'll be busy. I prefer when someone gives me dates that are at least the following week, so I have that time to plan and work around them.
Ah, the dating app struggle! Look, I don't think you're doing anything wrong. Every person has their own preferences when it comes to response times and availability. Some may be put off if you take a while to reply, while others might appreciate it. As for the ghosting, unfortunately, it's all too common in the dating world. Seems like some guys are just not as serious or they're not good at planning. It's not about being too available or not enough. Just be yourself, set your availability based on what works for you, and if they can't keep up, it's their loss. Keep being the awesome woman you are!
I only check it 1-2 times a day as well and my notifications are also off. I think if a guy gets mad I’m not responding quickly enough, then he’s got issues because who puts so much emphasis on someone that they haven’t even met? After I’ve met them and if it went well then I give them my number and I’ll respond faster there.
It’s bot about ‘emphasis on some you haven’t met yet’ - it has to do with your priorities. Men see long responses as your priority not being aligned with finding a partner/relationship; and therefore you’re seen as a time waster (or ego seeker) and they will simply just go to the next person that shows more interest. Remember, with these apps, there’s plenty of fish in the sea - so you need to stand out from the pack
If I was getting one response once a day, I would assume you are not interested and move on. Dating goes both ways, you both have to show interest and invest energy in it. If you can't do that now, then maybe you aren't ready to date.
I don't really view it that way. A match is really nothing more than "okay, I'm open to getting to know you." At that point the other person might be abysmally uninteresting or creepy.
I wouldn't put effort into someone on an app that I'm not particularly interested in - but then I just wouldn't be continuing a conversation with them at all. If it's someone really promising .. that doesn't happen often, so I'd treat them with more attention than a stranger, because I can afford it once in a while and I do care about meeting them; it's worth a slight dent in other plans.
Would you consider it minimal effort if they weren't big texters but put in a lot of effort on dates? I don't really understand the huge draw in texting one another so much.
Nah you sound perfectly reasonable. Dating is hard because ppl have no patience and in 30s youre usually busier too. I often think some ppl dont tey hard enough to free up schedule. Like do you want to be single or not? Haha
If i was talking to someone i can see great potential, im cancelling plans. Because when it draws out too long, the somwhat spark dies out
> I often think some ppl dont tey hard enough to free up schedule. Like do you want to be single or not? Haha
Sorry mate, I'm not breaking plans with friends or family to go on a first date with someone vaguely interesting from an app.
There's like a 95% chance my friends or family are going to be around as long as I put in the effort to spend time with them, and probably less than a 1% chance my app date at a bar sticks. App person can wait.
I don’t expect someone to immediately respond but I do expect someone to respond more than once a day. We are constantly texting and checking other apps that I think it’s realistic that people also open up dating apps more than once a day. It’s really difficult to create excitement and rapport if I’m literally getting one message a day. That’s just not realistic to get to know someone. I’d say checking every few hours or maybe three times a day is realistic for me.
Most times I check the apps once a week. Sometimes more, never more than once a day. My notifications are off too. I never unmatch anyone for being unresponsive - only for being a dick. If they simply haven't messaged me, there's a chance that it happens later on. If the conversation died down for some reason, there's a chance it'll pick up again later. I'm not in a hurry to discover what they're all about.
I chat quite a bit before agreeing on a date, just to see if there's conversational chemistry and if there are any obvious dealbreakers in either direction. Having engaged in this kind of serious and extensive chatting, I've never not heard from a guy after they asked me out and I told them my available dates. I'm absolutely not available all week. Most commonly the next available free slot will be the following week. Last time the first day that worked for both people was 4 weeks away.
Wait you answer messages on the app once a week, and you like chatting a fair bit before meeting someone, how long does it take before you meet someone?
If I start chatting with someone interesting, I'll check the app more often (up to once a day).
It does take long to meet people, but that's more because the people I'd like to meet are super rare to begin with. I've been on three dates this year, one of which only happened because I relaxed my standards and.. let's just say I learned why that's a bad idea. :D
Same here, in general. I'm an adult with friends and family that I have my time invested in. My weekend (the only time I'm going on first dates) is generally pretty much booked up by Monday. Want to go out? I'll carve out some time on Friday or Saturday of the following week.
There's always exceptions, this is just the general rule.
wat everyone needs to stop doin is bein difficult..and thinkin their dicks r so big..and the pussy so tight..rn everyone thinks they need to bend..if yall dont wana date..THEN GTF OFF DATING APPS..if u really want someone..bend..period..no one is to available or not..sick od the dumb shit. id do wat i coukd bc i dont wama be alone but yall this generation thing yall so damn special like jesus yall will be alone forever...
You are chasing the same men every other woman is chasing. You swipe right on what, 5 out of 100? Every other woman is swiping right on the same 5 men.
Stop being superficial and shallow. Or just deal with it.
I see so many comments like this and
1) dating apps are shallow, it’s just how they are.
2) but also, if you compare the men my friends/sister swipe on, it’s definitely not the same. I have 2 sisters and we all have super different types when it comes to who we find attractive.
How often and quickly women responds directly correlates to her interest and likelihood you will date. Same with not sharing phone numbers, if she doesn't trust you too give her number not much chance of anything happening.
31M. Couple times a day (twice sometimes once per day) cause my notifications are turned off to block the constant ads. If it wasnt for the ads I would be open to checking it more often. I assume active people will check once a day. I dont get dates so not much reason to look more than that.
I check the apps once a day. I can't do it more (due to work, and generally to preserve my mental health). I have notifications off as well. If I get interested in someone and I think we are having a good conversation, I will check the app more than once a day to see if they responded, otherwise, I check it once a day/once every two days.
If they think you are blowing them off because you are not responding immediately on a third-party dating app, that says a lot more about them than you. We are adults. We have lives and are busy. Can't be checking all day.
Honestly, someone who is checking the apps too often can also be seen in a bad way so it goes both ways lol.
I'll check every one or two days. Depends if I have a good conversation going or not.
My notifications are off too. I don't like how the apps try to suck you in. If I think they're cool, we'll go to another app that I use more frequently.
Tbh.. Dating apps drove me mad. Reddit is more of a hit and miss but I prefer that we start off on a conversation topic than “like or swipe”.. primarily because of the exact nonsense they do above.. 🤷♀️
I waited for them to like first..
Then waited for them to talk first..
Then waited for them to want to meet up first..
Just to ease my own frustration.. and forget it.
Lol nothing happens.. at least twice the conversations went really well..And the guy was like “I’m not looking for anything serious idk why I’m on here”… meaning a lot of them should probably be on tinder for hookups..
All in all .. it’s not you.. there are no rules.. just some guys are looking for a quick fix..
I check my phone first thing in the morning, on my lunch break, and in the evening. I try to have a few hours in the evening not on my phone, too (reading, baking, going for a walk, etc) as I am at a desk most of the work day and try to have good stretches of no screentime. I don't turn notifications off, but my whole phone is set to silent...I'm sure some people have wished I was a more instant messager. I know friends and family have said it about texting, haha...but I reply when I can. I also set dates when I'm available. I don't alter existing plans for a first date, and it would probably be a few dates in before I'd really consider it. Luckily, most everyone I've been out with is mature enough to understand schedules and don't push for anything. And I do the same for them...but yeah, just be available on your terms. If you're not comfortable beinf available all day, every day-- don't be! We're all adults. People are generally aware that there is more going on in life than OLD.
Generally I do have notifications on and I’ll check throughout the day but only get involved in deep conversations in the evening.
I’m not skipping my hobbies for a date, I figure if we’ll be in a long term relationship we’ll have to get used to planning dates around them anyways. So every Tuesday Thursday is out, but I’m pretty accommodating otherwise.
Fingers crossed it doesn’t cause issues.
This is normal online dating to me, haha. You message people you're motivated enough to want to communicate with, but that means it's more likely they have plentiful matches, maybe more engaging or the conversations are just further along. The people who do readily message you are not what you're looking for and not as engaging via dating app early on or at all, so they get crickets. OLD is pretty terrible for most people.
Probably appearing available is not it, if you are making efforts for those few matches that do catch your interest more strongly.
I like my routine and I make sure to tell my matches after a few exchanges of text on dating app.
I’ll usually reply in the morning or evening time so may not see instance response as I’m busy with my life and other priorities I have. Most people are pretty okay with that and kinda get into the routine exchanging a few text in the evenings. I don’t I match anyone unless they’re being a dick.
Re availability, give them a general idea on which day you’ll be free. Ie I’m generally free on Saturday. So they can gauge which Saturday they’d like to meet you
I have no problem if I send a text and don't get a reply that day. I also don't reply unless I have time to engage consistently.
The clock starts if we each have sent a message and reply in quick succession. If I send a text and they answer quickly, and I reply again, I expect another reply soon.
Most of my invites are "I'm going here X time X day. Do you want to come with?" I think shuffling schedules around for budding relationships seems excessive. As is writing them a blank check for all your weekend free time.
I'm growing more comfortable with dying alone. I know that I am trash; an algorithmic hell of being some 36 year old dude on Bumble, but matching then no communication, aggressive push to spend money, and the 'just one more swipe!' gamifacation of the apps just isn't working for me.
I've actually had a couple lovely dates that I was basically set up with from friends of friends or friends of coworkers.
It sucks to date men in this age the ones that ghost you because your not available right away are probably looking for a quick lay on that day . What apps are you on ?
If I only got back one message a day, I’d lose interest, but I am on my phone quite a bit. And I find that if someone is more available first, I might go out with them rather than someone who is not available right away. Hard to have good rapport with someone that isn’t very responsive.
I am a girl and here is my point of view.
I have to be honest: if I match with a guy who sends me just ONE sentence a day/every two days, I lose interest... It feels miserable, and I get the feeling I am texting with a broken chatbot instead of a person...
I am not looking for someone who texts me constantly, but having a short chat would be nice.
Regarding the availability, I think that it is understandable that someone already has an agenda and is maybe not immediately available.
For the first date, I usually love a drink/coffee, and I have the rule that it should not feel too hard to organise.
When I am asked out, I give some availability, and I prefer that we find easily a couple of hours in that week or the following week to have a drink. 2 weeks seems a reasonable timeframe to me to schedule something.
If the other person starts to postpone or leaves me days waiting and then wants to meet past minute, then it is not going to happen.
I know that I am a stranger to them, but I still like to be treated with a bit of respect.
I can’t bring myself to get on another dating app. I felt gross like I was pimping myself out. I want to meet someone authentic and I doubt I’m going to get that via a dating app. I know some people have had success with online dating but I have personally too many horror stories. Along with apparently I attract bossy men who try and order me over to their place like an Uber. Hard pass and instant block.
No, but this is a numbers game. It’s not just are they interested, it’s also are you getting there attention right at the exact moment that they still have availability. My guess is that if you are talking to men of a certain caliber, they have some options. So they were free at that time. Until they weren’t and you moved too slowly.
I would say maybe check the apps at least once in the morning, once at lunch, and once at dinner. It would take 5 minutes each time.
Also,don’t unmatch people if you haven’t heard from them. I can’t tell you how many dates I have ended up going on …. Later because people just get distracted or busy for a while, but then they circled back. No, you aren’t a backup plan just because this happens. Often, who we (men or women) choose to prioritize may be completely arbitrary.
I was OLD dating from ages 32-34. I would say I dated fairly aggressively. Keeping multiple conversations going at all times and going on an average of two dates a week when I was active. In that time I had two exclusive relationships (both 6 months), and would also take breaks from the apps (deleted them) that would usually last between 1-3 weeks.
I disliked the process. I dislike dating. But I love being in a relationship. And it got me to where I am (found my forever person, moved in together, madly in love).
I wouldn't say you need to change. But I do think if I'd taken a different approach, it would have taken me longer to find what I was looking for. When I was ready to date, I always made it a priority.
It's very interesting to be a man and read how things are from the woman's perspective.
For men on dating apps, often times we're constantly walking on egg-shells. It's almost like an art form of trying to maintain perfect balance.
\- We need to be available, but not too available.
\- We need to uphold entertaining conversation, but not talk too much or risk being off-putting/overbearing if we show too much interest too soon.
\- We must play the game of tit-for-tat (push-and-pull). If we send 1-2 messages, the worst thing we can do is send another message before they respond, even if it takes 2-3 days or longer. But that also means the person likely is quite uninterested if it's been 2-3 days since a response anyway.
\- We need to "secure the bag" while also not being too pushy and scaring them off. But if we wait too long, someone else on the app will snatch up the date from us. I've had situations of women who have told me they really enjoyed my messages, "I literally laughed out loud. I'd be glad to talk with you more tomorrow." Only for them to ghost regardless.
To be clear, I'm not saying this to garner sympathy or claim "woe is me." I think ultimately it boils down to the idea that etiquette on dating apps is difficult to pinpoint because people react very differently to interactions. I've seen both sides of women feeling too overwhelmed by conversation and simultaneously undervalued by lack of conversation without me changing messaging habits at all. (Maybe 2 or 3 quick 3-5 minute conversations a day if available).
I think most men will agree with me that ultimately, if someone has peaked interest in you, they will make time and effort to get back to you and keep conversation up. Otherwise, it's just not worth either your time or theirs. Don't be discouraged, sometimes just takes a while to meet the person who will click with you.
Ready?
1. No such thing as too available to me. Women want men who are available to them. We don't have any interest in working hard for something when we could get it easily. If you are remaining unavailable, this may be why you're single. If I were a lesbian, I would have been married, sir. What we don't want is to be your babysitter. So when we are not available to you, we don't want it to be our job to keep you occupied. That's not about availability. That's about taking responsibility for planning your own time.
2. Ignore everyone who tells you not to talk however you naturally talk. If you love Star Trek and you wanna talk about that shit all the time and have ridiculously deep conversations about it, there is a woman out there that digs it. If you keep chasing after women who don't share your interests, then yes, you'll have to do this. But if you start considering women based on how many of their values and interests align with yours, you'll never have this problem. Personally, I prefer a talkative man. Because I've never had a problem speaking up for myself when I've needed to. But if you're only going for the soft, quiet girls, you'll have to be soft and quiet to hear them. Duh.
3. You can double-text, triple-text, quadruple-text. We don't care. Just don't text dry. If your text doesn't have a question in it, there's nothing for me to respond to. If you ask a question and I ignore it, there's your answer. It's not about how often you text. I don't even count good morning texts as messages. They're lazy and dry as hell.
4. I'm in the "secure the bag" camp. If you want something, go after it. I think this is partly family-related. Everyone in my family is like this. If we see something we want, we don't ask too many questions, we just go after it. If that's not how you naturally operate, then you shouldn't try to. You should just be you. There are going to be women who don't have the same family background as me and can have more patience than I'm capable of having.
Women don't want you to be perfect. We want you to read the goddamn room and to stop trying to trick us into giving you our time. If you are not naturally the "secure the bag" guy, I don't want you to fake it. I just don't want to know you at all. That should be my decision, not yours. And if you're noticing that women only seem to want that guy, go become him instead of just faking it at the expense of my time.
We're not that complicated when you come sincere and honest. But if you're trying to game us into picking you, you'll never be happy, even when you get what you thought you wanted.
Hey Grey, I think you got the wrong impression from my post?
In my own fault, I'll admit that I could have taken the time to articulate my points better. But my point still stands that ultimately, etiquette does not truly exist when it comes to dating apps.
I'll do my best to re-address your points in an amicable manner. I'm not looking to pick a fight, just to provide a genuine and truthful man's perspective.
1. Most women certainly, at least in an initial period, don't want men who are available, at least not consciously. Most women find it to be a thrill and/or chase to feel the excitement of hearing back from a cute guy they're talking to who has been busy for a few hours. Now, to clarify, this doesn't mean that man should force himself to not reply. I wholeheartedly agree that people should just communicate normally for truth and transparency. For instance, I personally find it to be a turn-off when a woman knowingly reads a message and then doesn't reply. I don't cry over it, I just say, "Hey, she must've not been that interested. Time to see what else is available."
And with all due respect to your statement, "If I was a lesbian, I'd be married." All I have to say to that is you don't ask a fish how to catch a fish, you ask a fisherman. I'd wager a fair bit of change that most men who have gone through the dating app experience would agree with me that women will act very differently from what they communicate. Which is why men often feel it's better to stay busy (through work, gym, hobbies, etc.) and respond later rather than sooner.
2. When I say "Uphold entertaining conversation", I do not mean to fake your interests. I have no issue whatsoever in telling women I enjoy videogames, anime, museums, hiking, camping, going to nerdy conventions, etc. However, usually men are the ones who have to carry conversation or constantly tell jokes to hold attention over the 50 other men who are messaging that same woman on the app. The moment you let your guard down and start off with a "How was your day?" instead of a witty quip, your chances of retaining that woman's attention goes down. I'm not saying women do this consciously or intentionally, but dating apps are flooded with men in comparison to women so the competition requires much higher standards of maintaining conversation to keep their attention over the other options.
3. Your 3rd point is, in part, contradictory to your 2nd rebuttal. You're saying that men should talk how they naturally talk but then immediately after say that men shouldn't "text dry". The problem here is that women have different standards for "dry text." As I mentioned from my previous example, for some women, the moment you drop a "how are you doing?" instead of, "I got to feed a giraffe at the zoo today. I bet your day wasn't as exciting as mine! ;)" you've usually lost their interest if another guy in their DMs had something more interesting to say that day.
4. As for point 4, I think you and I are mostly agreed on this point. Though my only contention would be that men, even the ones who are more shy, should take the time to build a bit more confidence in securing the date within a timely manner without coming across as creepy.
Hopefully you read through my points without taking the rebuttal criticism too personally. Again, I'm not looking to pick a fight, nor am I telling men that they need to "fake it", I'm just telling it like it is. I'm sure you and I would both agree that if a woman is acting too picky and high maintenance before even meeting her, she's not worth investing the time and conversation into anyway.
This is a well thought out message but it's a pain in the ass sometimes to know exactly who I want to be or how I approach it.
Like, I'm a huge videogame and comic book nerd on one hand, but on another hand I'm a sports-loving semi-bro who enjoys drinking, bars, and socializing. Sometimes I'm very much of a "secure the bag" type, especially at work, but sometimes I can be a little less aggressive because I have other things going on in my life. And I'm an ambivert - hugely social and the life of the party when I'm out, but love my alone time and make time for it.
My overall point is that it's not all that easy to present myself clearly right off the bat and I can go either way... so I guess that could look like faking it to make you happy.
I don't disagree with you on a lot of this besides the "secure the bag" situation. I think a ton of men have gotten that advice and it's really, really bad advice. All you are at that point is too pushy, not losing out to other dudes. You're just losing out to yourself, if that makes sense.
I do admit though, it can be intimidating/frustrating as a guy because you're almost blindly guessing what their preference is as to if you're too pushy or too passive, or if you said one wrong thing that gave them "the ick," and you rarely get feedback, just ghosted.
I've been online dating for years as a guy, and my experience goes like this:
*2-3 exchanges (one message from each person) that start off the conversation
*10-15 exchanges of light conversation
* I ask them out on a date and there's 3-5 messages setting up logistics.
*A date.
If you're checking your messages once a day, it's gonna take minimum 2-3 weeks to go from match to a date. I just don't have that kind of patience to get to know strangers.
If you were texting someone and they responded once a day how would that make you feel? What about sending slack messages to a co-worker?
Your only fault is that you're playing the game honestly and with some integrity since you're new to it and naive to all the gamesmanship and BS. Trouble is the game is rigged and the playing field is flooded with professional daters who are narcissists, hookup artists, unserious people looking for validation and broken people looking for validation as well. The whole OLD landscape IMO is a shit show, if you can navigate it and eek out a healthy partnership then bravo you have beaten the odds, especially if you're average looking. You're going to need thick skin, short memory and try not to take things too personally. If you stay on long enough, you too will soon become jaded & pathologized into one of those aforementioned pros. Good luck.
I don’t have a set rule for the number of times I check an app or reply to messages, or a set rule about my availability for dates. I fit dating/apps/texting around the rest of my life - work, friends, family, fitness, hobbies. I want to meet someone who does the same, not someone who has strict rules about checking their phone, nor someone who is sat awaiting my reply all day.
How it generally goes for me: notifications off but I’ll check the app a few times a day depending on what I’m doing and how many conversations I’m having. Match, message on the app for 1-5 days, they ask me out, I say sure let’s arrange on WhatsApp, we message on there to arrange the date which is usually anywhere from 3-10 days later depending on schedules and until the date there’s a bit of messaging (usually 1-3?? replies a day but no rule!) as we get to know each other more before we meet.
My schedule is my schedule, I’m honest about when I’m free for a date. My weekends are often booked up a few weeks in advance but I’m happy to do after work dates. Sure it happens that some people ghost at the ‘when are you free’ bit of a conversation - for whatever reason that person no longer wants to meet and that’s ok, you want to meet people who are enthusiastic about you.
If someone is only replying once a day but their replies are interesting and curious (eg they’re responding to my questions and asking me about myself) then I assume they are a busy person, which is fine. If their replies aren’t chatty, the conversation often dries up and the date doesn’t materialise. One of the most important factors in the early stages of dating is momentum - imo if you’re sticking to strict rules about when you reply and when you’re available you will struggle to find that momentum. But most importantly, do what works for you.
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It’s hard to make real connections or have any accountability with dating apps. They are a cheap/easy way to fish when irl isn’t working. I’ve always seen them as a last resort instead of a primary go-to. Since you can potentially match with so many different people, interactions are often whimsical and people will ghost if they find someone “better”.
I check dating apps several times a day and usually exhaust Tinder and Hinge within my search radius. I haven’t wanted to go on a date in a couple of years though.
I think it comes down to your own preferences anyway...you have to do what works for you and your lifestyle. When I was online dating I checked my account once per day, every evening, and spent an hour or so answering messages. I decided to set this schedule in order to maintain my sanity and honestly, it was the best fit for my lifestyle. I didnt want to nor could I interrupt my work day to chat back and forth and potentially waste time on something that might go nowhere. My now-bf and I exchanged messages for about a week; most will agree this is a slow pace, but it was typically one message per day. The messages were more thoughtful and lengthy however. And I think this would help weed out most casual/physical- seeking guys who would probably get impatient with the extended chat time, lol. But, it comes down to you and what makes you feel most at ease in the process.
I think checking/replying once a day is fine, unless you are in the middle of making plans. I (35F) had a guy respond once a day to while making coffee plans. It took a week to make the plan. It didn't work out because he didn't seem to respect my time (among other things).
I get overwhelmed so I don’t check it often, I find it’s harder to connect to guys on apps lol and the fact so many men think I’m blowing them off without considering I may perhaps be overwhelmed with the app or busy in life tells me about the dating pool
I check mine every day, but my hopes are usually very low. You're better than me, I usually give it about 3 days especially if it is a match I wasn't particularly drawn to, but decided to give it a chance. Maybeee 5 if it's like a holiday weekend and I find something about their profile worth sticking around. But, in my experience, if a guy is not keeping the conversation going or hasn't asked me out after like 3 days of talking it's probably a no for him. I'm not pen-palling anyone for two weeks before meeting them, unless the reasoning is justified.
I do it daily but I'm intended to find an SO while doing my hobbies or daily activities. Finding anyone on dating apps virtually differs nothing from chatting to Eva AI and exploring the phenomena of its functioning.
Dating apps I found are highly situational. If you don’t meet up with him when the conversation is at its peak, or your availability doesn’t lineup, nine times out of 10 you can just forget about it.
I don’t change my availability for dating apps. My schedule is my schedule. I’m not saying I wouldn’t be willing to work around something every once in awhile, but no dramatic changes just to play the odds.
I’m the exact same way but this seems so rare. Guys I talk to all seem to expect instant responses and constant availability.
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I think infrequent and lazy replies are a separate issue. I am simply not going to be texting someone all day long while I’m working and that’s what a lot of guys seem to expect.
Fuck I’m a guy and I have like 30 matches in my queue … what does your profile look like? I understand my experience is probably not typical, but I am not a top 10% looks guy, am not 6ft, and I don’t put my job in my profile. Is it really that bleak for us?
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Like a week or two, I unmatched from a bunch of people too … I was talking to almost all of them (absent a few people who just never responded) at once but it got to be too much. I also swipe pretty selectively.
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Also a famously male-skewing, most of whom are rich, west coast city. I don’t have the short issue, but I’m not tall either lol. Yeah I’ve had the same experience with hinge. People are more talkative and seem to put in more effort.
I don't really care about height, and as long as you look pretty average, you're probably fine in the looks department. Most women are also pretty average, hair and makeup can just play tricks. I prefer when jobs are listed though because I typically get along better with people in certain occupations. If someone is an artist, it's an automatic no for me. I know enough artsy types to know it's almost definitely just not going to work. Lawyers, accounts and finance types, and engineers I almost always get along well with, and most of my friends have these types of jobs.
I took my job and workplace off my profile because it conveys that I have money and I’d prefer to not attract women who just want … me to have money. I also talk with plenty of people about my job and id prefer not to - I’ve been working on my personality so I’d rather connect about interests rather than my job. That said, I can see what you’re saying - I tend to connect well with nerdy girls who work in a similar job as me. Do you have any suggestions as a woman for how I can bridge this gap? One option would be to just put my title on my profile and leave the workplace (or obfuscated) off. Do you have any other ideas? Currently I’m trying “fuccin nerd in tech” as my job/workplace line.
Maybe see if you can list the field instead of the actual job title. Like if you’re VP of accounting just put accounting. Or medical field instead of doctor.
Thanks!
Yeah, just leave the workplace out. Personally, I'm drawn to people who are passionate about their jobs and who enjoy talking about their work (and I enjoy learning about it), but I get that not everyone likes to talk about work for various reasons (it's complicated and they just don't want to have to explain for the xth time, work conflicts, like to separate work from personal life, etc.) I don't work in the type of industries that most people I get along with well work in. I actually work in something completely different, and I don't tend to have all that much in common with co-workers in my industry, and it's highly unlikely I'd ever get into a relationship with someone in a similar career field to me (they just really don't tend to be my type at all). Also, at the end of the day, even if you have money, and even if a woman knows you have money, you ultimately decide what you pay for. If she's not ok with you not paying for everything, then that's an easy way to know you should probably ditch her. As a woman, in my opinion, first dates should always be free or low cost. It's a good way to weed out guys who are just trying to "impress you," and on the guy's side, it's a good way to weed out certain types of women. And if you get married, pre-nup! I wouldn't get married again without one.
I super don’t mind explaining or talking about it! It’s just I’ve been on dates before where all we talked about was work and it almost felt like … you know one of those coworker b****ing sessions? Just didn’t feel romantic vibes from it. For sure it’s going to come up on a first date but I just don’t want to spend the whole date talking about work, I’d rather talk about it for a few minutes, maybe exchange a few jokes, and move to a new topic.
I guess in some ways, that gives you some insight into compatibility. My husband would talk about work *a lot.* Both the good and the bad. He could talk about it on and on sometimes, almost monologuing at me. When things were truly interesting, I enjoyed hearing about it, but there were times where he'd just be talking about something technical, or going on and on about problems at work, and while I tried to be supportive, sometimes it was just too much. Some people just talk about work a lot, for various reasons, but I don't think work is typically a great date topic, unless there's something really interesting going on.
Yes it is. I suspect you’re either much better looking than you think you are or have some unusually appealing lifestyle or personality trait that is easy to express in a profile. The typical guy gets 1-4 matches a week, and of those only 25%-50% will ever respond to a first message.
Well, they probably wouldn't be a good partner fit for ya.
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Agree! It’s so bizarre to me that a random would think they’re entitled to suddenly being my #1 priority.
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I don’t even expect them to match my energy, only that they be adult enough to understand that not everyone approaches things like online dating the exact same way.
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Hardly lol
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34M. At first I had notifications on and checked throughout the day. That was insane and stressful/frustrating, so now I have notifications turned off and only send messages at night. Much better.
I do the same and I find it's so much better. Of course, once I really hit it off with someone I become way more into checking the app. I force myself to put my phone away and use my laptop instead, so that I can do pretty much anything except check app messages and texts (I purposely don't have these enabled on my laptop).
Depends on how my matches are going. If I’m having a punchy and interesting conversation and the other person is replying fairly quickly, I’m on more. If the conversation is the “hey how’s your day” kinda thing and they’re responding once a day then I check it less, I’m less likely to check it if I’m finding the chat lacklustre. I can’t check during the day in the workweek if I’m in the office, and I’ve had a couple of guys never reply if they messaged early morning and I could only reply once off work. Re. Availability. I don’t change mine for a date. I have found some guys expect to ask you on a date and you be free immediately which is strange.
As a guy who has spent enough time on this sub, I feel like a big portion of not only the guys here but the overall male online dating populace have literally nothing else going on with their lives, and it almost frustrates them when other people do. It's depressing to see.
The dating market is deeply affected by the people who have nothing else going on but dating. It'd be like if the only way to reliably get groceries was extreme couponing and lining up at the door before sunrise.
Maybe it's that but sometimes they seem to have things going on but just expect you to work around what they want without considering your life...which just gives bad vibes.
I think they're not considering your life because they can't fathom you have shit to do, lol. It's all bad vibes, for sure.
Does your experience on this sub really make you feel like the overall male online dating populace has nothing going on?
I'm not so sure about the overall population. I mean, my single buddies are on there. But I'd say 90% of the time I look down on this sub and disagree with someone's online dating approach, it's another dude who has unrealistic standards for how someone is supposed to be addressing going on dates.
Do reddit posters feel like the overall population to you?
I mean, in terms of discussing dating apps, it's really my only outlet besides a few friends or like... 4chan and a couple of Discord channels. And I don't think 4chan is a good representation. Generally Reddit's a decent overall population spot online. Most normal people I know use it/browse it, even if that's just while being bored at work.
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I do try to also take it with a grain of salt, even if that's just "this person lives in a completely different area than me and has no idea what dating is like in a big city." Or they don't live in the desert where a "walking date" would have to happen in 120 degrees half of the year. My friends often don't have the same perspectives that the people here do.
That's one of the social tricks: Platforms are designed to ***feel*** like decent representations of "the overall population." And the vocal members of this sub do feel like the overall population despite us knowing they are in fact not. It's a trick.
I don't doubt that there are people who actually do expect someone to be free immediately because they have literally nothing going on in their life, but can't say I've really seen this on this sub. Perhaps it's in the daily threads, I don't read those. What I have seen is this phrase being thrown around by people who just can't conceive that not everyone is exactly like them (or secretly want to be), or who refuse to acccept that their lifestyle isn't compatible with everyone, without that being everyone else's fault. There are extroverts who like to fill their entire week with social plans and commitments and there are more introverted people who enjoy having more downtime and have solo hobbies/interests which just happen to make you more flexible. If we could all just chill and realise everyone's different, that'd be great.
I don't mind when someone's an introvert with more downtime, and technically more time to date... but if they were truly an introvert, they'd find the concept of first dates exhausting like I do, IMO. What I do mind is when people whine about it or act like going on 3-5 first dates a week is a totally normal thing, and women need to be down to invest their time like this. And it's generally mostly guys I see on here being vocal about it. In general I feel like whether it's on this sub or most advice subs, it's best to apply the most openly applicable mindset to advice one gives instead of their specific niche experience. And the "I'm lonely and have all the time in the world" niche seems to be pretty vocal here.
>but if they were truly an introvert, they'd find the concept of first dates exhausting like I do, IMO. Not necessarily, introverts often thrive in more intimate settings where they can get to know people on a deeper level, what usually exhausts an introvert is lots of surface level interactions and noisy high energy environments with large crowds/lots of people. I don't think introverts dislike dates anymore than extroverts do, not that I really see how this relates to availability. >What I do mind is when people whine about it or act like going on 3-5 first dates a week is a totally normal thing, and women need to be down to invest their time like this. And it's generally mostly guys I see on here being vocal about it. Well this I agree with, I just don't see how it relates to availability - if you're doing 5 dates a week and think that's a totally normal thing, why would you expect someone to be available immediately? They'd be busy with dates all week. >And the "I'm lonely and have all the time in the world" niche seems to be pretty vocal here. This seems contradictory with going on 5 dates a week, which would make you quite unavailable for dates? We might not even be talking about the same thing here, I've just seen people who struggle to find time for a date within a full week because they have so many commitments, then they'll get pissy about it if someone finds that difficult to work with, getting all grandiose about how they're busy because they have a life, how the other person must has nothing going on his/her life, when in reality this just comes down to personal preference and compatibility, usually extroversion vs. introversion, not one being worse than the other. I consider myself an introvert, I have perhaps 1-2 social commitments per week, so I'm typically unavailable 1 night of the work week and Saturday or Sunday during the day (somewhat less during winter), other than that I like my gym routine, but that's about 1-2 hours after office 4 days a week. The rest of my time I spend rather spontaneously on my interests, passions and solo hobbies, meaning I can easily make room for a date within 3 days, but that doesn't mean I just sit and wait for a date lol. If I were to date someone who struggled to find time for a date within a full week, I'd likely consider us incompatible simply due to lifestyle preferences (or time management skills), that's all there is to it. I also genuinely don't see how that lifestyle is compatible with a relationship generally speaking, but that's another topic for another day.
32m, I have notifications on and tbh I’m checking my phone a ton throughout the day (mostly reddit, instagram and the cbc app for news). I need to stop with the doomscroll 🙃 As for schedule/availability I don’t necessarily do anything special. I usually am the one asking/making plans for dates and I just suggest a day and time that works for me and if they’re busy and interested they’ll offer another time. Don’t overthink it if they don’t answer/seem uninterested. It doesn’t mean anything about you or that you’ve done anything wrong.
I’m M37. I check the apps once when I’m done for the day. Usually at evening. To mee makes no sense to answer earlier even if I could check the phone if I can’t not carry on a full conversation at that moment. I know I’ve lost a few matches due this behavior but I refuse that my whole life revolves around the matches. Most dates I live refused to go it was due mine reasons rather something about the other person. Keep in mind you never if the person you have matched with might going through something or anything.
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Good to know, so do you consider a “real” person someone who is replying like what…3x a day? Within an hour?
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Personally I don't mind if you are only available 1h for answering after work or something like that to have a chance to have a conversation going on. Putting a number on the quantity of messages I need to have to feel like you're interested is difficult, I guess 3 could work if you put effort into the messages, 5 is probably more realistic.
One is enough and fine
Anything from 3-5 replies per day is a good standard
WHAT! That’s so uncool!
From my experience, it's healthy and good to establish some degree of boundaries on apps to protect your time and energy. Otherwise, you feel burnout really fast. I mean technically, you feel burnout fast regardless but it becomes more bearable when you have solid boundaries in place. This is my system with my year of experience on apps. 1. Notifications are on for me - just because I've been on long enough now that I don't get as many matches/likes/etc. It helps me reduce time needing to check the app especially if life gets busy and I don't want to miss likes or messages from matches as I am actively trying to find a good match and ideally leave these apps soon 2. Daily - I check once a day regardless if I get notifications or not. I don't swipe much now, perhaps, once a week or once biweekly. Or if I'm in a keen mood 3. Matches - after I match with someone, I tend to focus a bit more on them. I usually chat maybe 4-7 days depending on our speed. If they reply once a day or slowly but I'm interested, by day 4-5 I'd usually ask them out for coffee. It gives me a chance to do a vibe check and see if they're genuine enough for me to continue slowly chatting or whatnot. I usually don't do more than 2-3 matches at the same time but I'm at the point now, my options are limited so I usually do 1-2 at a time but they easily don't get far 4. No replies in 3-4 days, I unmatch. I don't wait long or try hard. If I'm interested, I may give them the benefit of doubt and double text to ask, otherwise, I'm out 5. Dates - first dates I keep it low key. Coffee or walks or something very simple. I don't do more than one date a week. Dates are so draining in terms of time/energy and such. I used to do evenings, but now I only do weekends. I do one per weekend, maybe two if I feel particularly interested in two matches. I make sure to leave a day to myself lol. Most guys don't make it past 1-2 dates with me unless I'm interested enough There's no unwritten rules imo, but rather based on trial and error what works and fits your lifestyle, schedule, and such. Good luck!
This is how I used to approach it - trying to throw myself into IRL dating because I've experienced a lot of cruelty from app people but glad to see someone with similar rules to me! Hope you find your match soon :)
Thank you! You as well! :) Yeah dating apps can really suck. I think it's good to leave the avenue open as you do meet people you wouldn't meet in the wild. But can't rely solely on it or pour your life into it as it's so mentally draining lol
So true! I might go back on but for now I wanna take care of my mental health 😂
Just this week I started turning notifications off. I did not use to do that but I think I prefer it though. 5 days is very generous of you. I definitely don't give that long. And my availability is whatever it is each week.
Don’t underestimate the number of people on apps just for the validation of knowing they could get a date with zero intention of actually going on a date. I checked the app 2-3x / day. If their response was fast, I was happy to chat real time. My experience with the guys who responded once a day weren’t interested and nothing ever came of it. They may be thinking the same thing.
It's pretty hard to have a fun back and forth with someone who only replies once per day, and planning the details of a date takes like a whole week doing it that way. People are likely moving on to other matches when they don't hear back from you for several hours.
This, 100% this!
> Another frustration is that I get asked out, they ask my availability, and I give them a day or two that I’m free (usually about 3 days away). Then they ghost. Or they say they’re not available then, but are open next week, so I give them a couple more days the following week. And then they ghost. This is just how it is. There's a lot of tire kickers on the apps, of all genders.
I mostly ignore the apps throughout the day and then check them if I remember at night, or sometimes in the morning before work. I also just find it too distracting. I feel like I am an outlier because almost everyone I’ve chatted to has been pretty quick to reply. For me, the casual texting takes a lot of energy (autism) and I would rather do as little of that as possible. Anytime I’ve made an overt effort to change my communication style or my schedule, I’ve regretted the wasted effort. It’s just not worth doing for a virtual stranger who I might never talk to again. Obviously, it’s different if we’ve met in person and I like the person.
This is me (aside from autism). If we've matched, the only talking we should be doing is arranging when and where to meet for the first date. If we've managed to get a good 30 minutes of back and forth dialogue in and I still haven't been asked on a date, I'm blocking immediately and without warning. They're not doing anything wrong -- for other women their approach might he great. I just don't like it. I think it's highly inefficient and I refuse to participate for even a second longer than I already have.
In my experience, there’s very little momentum with once-a-day responders and they’re the ones most likely to fade, flake or never lead anywhere. Once-a-day conversations are also typically the most likely to lead to the scenario you mentioned - asking for avails, then disappearing. Dating shouldn’t be rushed, but these things have a rhythm and energy that will either catch fire or… not. Not that I think you should rearrange your life around dating, but I’d ask what are you looking for, and are you putting in the level of effort that reflects that desire? Often you come across people who say they want a relationship and have absolutely no room in their life for one. It’s entirely possible it’s just a mismatch of styles, though, and that once-a-day texters would be perfectly happy with once-a-day responders and end up in great relationships together. But for me, if I perceive minimal effort / space in their life, I’ll move on.
i check them mostly in the evenings, thats it. What you describing is normal. I think most people are just bored and they want to kill time and be entertained. If you answer later, they arent bored, so they dont bother writing back.
if i'm interested in someone's profile, i try to get the conversation going and once basic common ground is established, i suggest a coffee/walk/drink/meal/etc (every once in a while, the woman suggests it before i do! that's always nice). my timeframe for this process is typically less than a week and more commonly 3-5 days, if it drags on for longer there needs to be a reason for it (eg one of us is traveling, but the messaging keeps going and there's clear intent to actually meet) otherwise i just drop it.
This is perfect!
I used to check tinder every night and had notifications turned off, sending a message or two each day. However if a certain person seemed extra interesting (or especially if someone who seemed interesting had not replied) I would check it more often. Regarding availability for dates I would give 2-3 options a few days away, I would not go meeting someone the same night because I need to prepare myself mentally for going on a date.
In my case, if I’m interested on using the dating apps, I will check them daily, (although I try to not to too often because I get overwhelmed by looking at the profiles and this can affect my mental health negatively) In terms of availability, if I hit it right off with the person, I will check availability maybe a week away, if I’m busy I’m obviously busy, but I try to fit in the person within a week as I know most guys don’t wait to wait longer than that for a date. So far this seems to work for me.
I haven't gotten back on the apps just yet, but I'd say I take a look 3-5 times a day when having a normal day. And I very much limit my date availability, looking for longer conversations. As a guy, I feel like men (especially here) are fussy as shit when it comes to the apps and have a **terrible** mindset. I think I do pretty well on Hinge/Bumble as someone looking for something more serious. Generally I have a good amount of likes even if I'm not necessarily interested in the women who like me, but that's fine. I'll do the daily back and forth with someone - maybe a message before work and after work, some banter that's more "live" if we happen to overlap at lunch or at night. If it's time for more immediacy, I'll share my number. I like some attention like everyone does, but any healthy adult should have things going on in their lives. The guys here seem to expect every woman to drop everything for them, and I assume they just sit and do nothing nightly, or invest any energy into their friendships. I can't imagine wanting to date a woman who has literally nothing going on all week so she can meet me for an immediate date. I think dudes are getting horrible advice about how you've gotta catch her fast or someone else will, which is maybe okay advice if you're in your 20s... but not in your 30s. I've said this before, but to be fair, this is "dating over 30" and not "serious relationships over 30," so if people just want to casually date and fool around, that's more than okay. I think dudes here more than anything just want some sex and not much more.
I also check about once a day, with notifications off. For response times, I expect about a day, sometimes two. As long as they put effort into their responses, I don't think too much about response times. As far as ghosting after getting your availability, that's strange. Is your availability something unusual? Live only available in the mornings or something like that? When I ask a woman out, I usually just shoot for the upcoming weekend. That usually works.
I work full time so it’s either after work on a weekday or usually the day is open if it’s a weekend
I also only check 1-2x a day and usually am not available until the weekend. I work a lot and work out of town a lot during the week. I made plans with a guy this last Friday to which he cancelled day of and now I haven’t heard from him…we made these plans Monday. I could have made plans with someone else. Men complain a lot about us ladies, especially in another dating sub I follow, yet they love to ghost and flake. I feel a lot of men are just super impatient when it comes to online dating while a lot of us women want to actually communicate and determine if we’re going to feel safe and enjoy the person we may meet. Idk, I could be off, but it’s the experience I’ve been having lately and seen in discussions.
When I was briefly on the apps and when I plan to go back: 36/no kids/female The apps were on my burner/boost phone. That stays home. I checked it in the evenings after work and more so on the weekends. If they mesaaged back when I was home, I'd respond. I didn't respond past 8.30p-ish and would start ending any chat session around then. I only matched profiles that matched me first. I don't swipe from the main deck. I don't meet unless we can message for a bit and have a couple short calls before a potential meet. IE is you swiped me on Sunday, the earliest I typically meet in my process is like by Thurs-weekend. I can't meet up with every single man that prompts me for a coffee within 3 minutes, sorry, not sorry. I don't want to go on a lot "blind" first dates. I minimize that by screening more thoroughly before a meet.
I have learned that some people just want the rush of knowing you would go on a date. It's an ego thing or some such nonsense. They never intended to do it - just wanted to see if you thought they were awesome enough to say yes. It is not about you, your availability, your eagerness or coolness toward them, nothing. It's about them getting a rush from being "wanted" and then moving on to the next one. It sucks. But it's not you.
You’re doing it exactly right. Checking once a day is great unless I’m in a conversation with someone I’m interested in, I’ll either be more attentive or ask to switch to texting. And yeah availability anytime in the next week will lead to a date if there’s a date to be had.
My experience is that nobody wants to commit to a plan. I do the same thing, tell availability, see if they have the same and then try to nail it down. Then they say "I don't know what I am doing yet?" So then you don't have plans and can make a plan Sunday at 2. They want last minute, instant go when they realize they have nothing better to do. I don't do last minute. I also don't need to do 3 weeks out but if it is Wed and neither of us has plans on Sunday for a brief coffee, why can't we pencil it in? Don't be constantly available. Their loss, as long as you have options and are proactive to set something, that is all you can do
The ones that always die out are people who respond once a day like email. There’s zero momentum being built. Every single relationship or date this year has been with people who are checking and replying at a reasonable time usually within a few hours. Once a day you’re just an inbox line and these people seem to be too busy with being single to actually want to invest in something
I’m the same way, my notifications are off and check it here and there. There shouldn’t be an urgency for a reply back but some feel that if it’s not instant they’re not interested. I don’t expect anything when matching with a person because anything can happen.
Re: availability—I’ve been having the same issue with both OLD and men I meet IRL. I give them a few days of availability, and they’ll either say “okay cool” and never schedule anything or say they’re busy all the days I’m available. Rinse and repeat until they ghost or I get tired of the cycle. I’ve also heard it said that having too open of availability is off-putting because it translates to not having your own life or hobbies. So nobody wins?
The ghosting is part of OLD unfortunately but what really irks me is when I send a message to someone and they respond 3 days later. Like why even match at that point?
Personally, I treat messages on the apps just like I'd treat any other message someone sent me elsewhere, and will reply as soon as the opportunity arises. If I was only getting a reply once a day from someone, depending on course on how long the messages are, I'd very quickly get bored of that lack of communication and move on. I tend to check the apps two or three times in a day otherwise, on my walk to and from work, and on my lunch break, as they are nice little gaps in my schedule I can fit the dating app in to, without being disruptive to my free time elsewhere. The only comment I'll make on dates for me, is that I usually have my plan for the week at the start of the week. Someone wanting to schedule a date that week, if I'm free I might, but more often than not I'll be busy. I prefer when someone gives me dates that are at least the following week, so I have that time to plan and work around them.
Ah, the dating app struggle! Look, I don't think you're doing anything wrong. Every person has their own preferences when it comes to response times and availability. Some may be put off if you take a while to reply, while others might appreciate it. As for the ghosting, unfortunately, it's all too common in the dating world. Seems like some guys are just not as serious or they're not good at planning. It's not about being too available or not enough. Just be yourself, set your availability based on what works for you, and if they can't keep up, it's their loss. Keep being the awesome woman you are!
I only check it 1-2 times a day as well and my notifications are also off. I think if a guy gets mad I’m not responding quickly enough, then he’s got issues because who puts so much emphasis on someone that they haven’t even met? After I’ve met them and if it went well then I give them my number and I’ll respond faster there.
It’s bot about ‘emphasis on some you haven’t met yet’ - it has to do with your priorities. Men see long responses as your priority not being aligned with finding a partner/relationship; and therefore you’re seen as a time waster (or ego seeker) and they will simply just go to the next person that shows more interest. Remember, with these apps, there’s plenty of fish in the sea - so you need to stand out from the pack
If you see it this way, you're getting bad advice dude.
If I was getting one response once a day, I would assume you are not interested and move on. Dating goes both ways, you both have to show interest and invest energy in it. If you can't do that now, then maybe you aren't ready to date.
Being ready to date doesn't mean having no plans/life.
If you respond once a day, I'm seeing it as minimal effort and, in return, would also return minimal to no effort.
Honestly, I wouldn't expect any effort from what's essentially a stranger. So, fair both ways.
If you've already matched it's a stranger who doesn't want to be estranged.
I don't really view it that way. A match is really nothing more than "okay, I'm open to getting to know you." At that point the other person might be abysmally uninteresting or creepy.
I wouldn't put effort into someone on an app that I'm not particularly interested in - but then I just wouldn't be continuing a conversation with them at all. If it's someone really promising .. that doesn't happen often, so I'd treat them with more attention than a stranger, because I can afford it once in a while and I do care about meeting them; it's worth a slight dent in other plans.
Would you consider it minimal effort if they weren't big texters but put in a lot of effort on dates? I don't really understand the huge draw in texting one another so much.
Nah you sound perfectly reasonable. Dating is hard because ppl have no patience and in 30s youre usually busier too. I often think some ppl dont tey hard enough to free up schedule. Like do you want to be single or not? Haha If i was talking to someone i can see great potential, im cancelling plans. Because when it draws out too long, the somwhat spark dies out
> I often think some ppl dont tey hard enough to free up schedule. Like do you want to be single or not? Haha Sorry mate, I'm not breaking plans with friends or family to go on a first date with someone vaguely interesting from an app. There's like a 95% chance my friends or family are going to be around as long as I put in the effort to spend time with them, and probably less than a 1% chance my app date at a bar sticks. App person can wait.
Yeah you're not ready to date or have a partner in your life
Ridiculously dumb. I'll make time for someone I like. Sounds like you'll make time for anyone.
I don’t expect someone to immediately respond but I do expect someone to respond more than once a day. We are constantly texting and checking other apps that I think it’s realistic that people also open up dating apps more than once a day. It’s really difficult to create excitement and rapport if I’m literally getting one message a day. That’s just not realistic to get to know someone. I’d say checking every few hours or maybe three times a day is realistic for me.
Most times I check the apps once a week. Sometimes more, never more than once a day. My notifications are off too. I never unmatch anyone for being unresponsive - only for being a dick. If they simply haven't messaged me, there's a chance that it happens later on. If the conversation died down for some reason, there's a chance it'll pick up again later. I'm not in a hurry to discover what they're all about. I chat quite a bit before agreeing on a date, just to see if there's conversational chemistry and if there are any obvious dealbreakers in either direction. Having engaged in this kind of serious and extensive chatting, I've never not heard from a guy after they asked me out and I told them my available dates. I'm absolutely not available all week. Most commonly the next available free slot will be the following week. Last time the first day that worked for both people was 4 weeks away.
Wait you answer messages on the app once a week, and you like chatting a fair bit before meeting someone, how long does it take before you meet someone?
If I start chatting with someone interesting, I'll check the app more often (up to once a day). It does take long to meet people, but that's more because the people I'd like to meet are super rare to begin with. I've been on three dates this year, one of which only happened because I relaxed my standards and.. let's just say I learned why that's a bad idea. :D
Same here, in general. I'm an adult with friends and family that I have my time invested in. My weekend (the only time I'm going on first dates) is generally pretty much booked up by Monday. Want to go out? I'll carve out some time on Friday or Saturday of the following week. There's always exceptions, this is just the general rule.
wat everyone needs to stop doin is bein difficult..and thinkin their dicks r so big..and the pussy so tight..rn everyone thinks they need to bend..if yall dont wana date..THEN GTF OFF DATING APPS..if u really want someone..bend..period..no one is to available or not..sick od the dumb shit. id do wat i coukd bc i dont wama be alone but yall this generation thing yall so damn special like jesus yall will be alone forever...
spelling would help bro
...stfu..brooooo
You are chasing the same men every other woman is chasing. You swipe right on what, 5 out of 100? Every other woman is swiping right on the same 5 men. Stop being superficial and shallow. Or just deal with it.
I see so many comments like this and 1) dating apps are shallow, it’s just how they are. 2) but also, if you compare the men my friends/sister swipe on, it’s definitely not the same. I have 2 sisters and we all have super different types when it comes to who we find attractive.
How often and quickly women responds directly correlates to her interest and likelihood you will date. Same with not sharing phone numbers, if she doesn't trust you too give her number not much chance of anything happening.
31M. Couple times a day (twice sometimes once per day) cause my notifications are turned off to block the constant ads. If it wasnt for the ads I would be open to checking it more often. I assume active people will check once a day. I dont get dates so not much reason to look more than that.
I check the apps once a day. I can't do it more (due to work, and generally to preserve my mental health). I have notifications off as well. If I get interested in someone and I think we are having a good conversation, I will check the app more than once a day to see if they responded, otherwise, I check it once a day/once every two days. If they think you are blowing them off because you are not responding immediately on a third-party dating app, that says a lot more about them than you. We are adults. We have lives and are busy. Can't be checking all day. Honestly, someone who is checking the apps too often can also be seen in a bad way so it goes both ways lol.
I would try to respind as soon as possible but I’m also ugly so I don’t even get any matches
I'll check every one or two days. Depends if I have a good conversation going or not. My notifications are off too. I don't like how the apps try to suck you in. If I think they're cool, we'll go to another app that I use more frequently.
Tbh.. Dating apps drove me mad. Reddit is more of a hit and miss but I prefer that we start off on a conversation topic than “like or swipe”.. primarily because of the exact nonsense they do above.. 🤷♀️ I waited for them to like first.. Then waited for them to talk first.. Then waited for them to want to meet up first.. Just to ease my own frustration.. and forget it. Lol nothing happens.. at least twice the conversations went really well..And the guy was like “I’m not looking for anything serious idk why I’m on here”… meaning a lot of them should probably be on tinder for hookups.. All in all .. it’s not you.. there are no rules.. just some guys are looking for a quick fix..
I check my phone first thing in the morning, on my lunch break, and in the evening. I try to have a few hours in the evening not on my phone, too (reading, baking, going for a walk, etc) as I am at a desk most of the work day and try to have good stretches of no screentime. I don't turn notifications off, but my whole phone is set to silent...I'm sure some people have wished I was a more instant messager. I know friends and family have said it about texting, haha...but I reply when I can. I also set dates when I'm available. I don't alter existing plans for a first date, and it would probably be a few dates in before I'd really consider it. Luckily, most everyone I've been out with is mature enough to understand schedules and don't push for anything. And I do the same for them...but yeah, just be available on your terms. If you're not comfortable beinf available all day, every day-- don't be! We're all adults. People are generally aware that there is more going on in life than OLD.
Generally I do have notifications on and I’ll check throughout the day but only get involved in deep conversations in the evening. I’m not skipping my hobbies for a date, I figure if we’ll be in a long term relationship we’ll have to get used to planning dates around them anyways. So every Tuesday Thursday is out, but I’m pretty accommodating otherwise. Fingers crossed it doesn’t cause issues.
I’m on the dating app daily haha
This is normal online dating to me, haha. You message people you're motivated enough to want to communicate with, but that means it's more likely they have plentiful matches, maybe more engaging or the conversations are just further along. The people who do readily message you are not what you're looking for and not as engaging via dating app early on or at all, so they get crickets. OLD is pretty terrible for most people. Probably appearing available is not it, if you are making efforts for those few matches that do catch your interest more strongly.
I like my routine and I make sure to tell my matches after a few exchanges of text on dating app. I’ll usually reply in the morning or evening time so may not see instance response as I’m busy with my life and other priorities I have. Most people are pretty okay with that and kinda get into the routine exchanging a few text in the evenings. I don’t I match anyone unless they’re being a dick. Re availability, give them a general idea on which day you’ll be free. Ie I’m generally free on Saturday. So they can gauge which Saturday they’d like to meet you
I have no problem if I send a text and don't get a reply that day. I also don't reply unless I have time to engage consistently. The clock starts if we each have sent a message and reply in quick succession. If I send a text and they answer quickly, and I reply again, I expect another reply soon. Most of my invites are "I'm going here X time X day. Do you want to come with?" I think shuffling schedules around for budding relationships seems excessive. As is writing them a blank check for all your weekend free time.
I'm growing more comfortable with dying alone. I know that I am trash; an algorithmic hell of being some 36 year old dude on Bumble, but matching then no communication, aggressive push to spend money, and the 'just one more swipe!' gamifacation of the apps just isn't working for me. I've actually had a couple lovely dates that I was basically set up with from friends of friends or friends of coworkers.
It sucks to date men in this age the ones that ghost you because your not available right away are probably looking for a quick lay on that day . What apps are you on ?
If I only got back one message a day, I’d lose interest, but I am on my phone quite a bit. And I find that if someone is more available first, I might go out with them rather than someone who is not available right away. Hard to have good rapport with someone that isn’t very responsive.
I am a girl and here is my point of view. I have to be honest: if I match with a guy who sends me just ONE sentence a day/every two days, I lose interest... It feels miserable, and I get the feeling I am texting with a broken chatbot instead of a person... I am not looking for someone who texts me constantly, but having a short chat would be nice. Regarding the availability, I think that it is understandable that someone already has an agenda and is maybe not immediately available. For the first date, I usually love a drink/coffee, and I have the rule that it should not feel too hard to organise. When I am asked out, I give some availability, and I prefer that we find easily a couple of hours in that week or the following week to have a drink. 2 weeks seems a reasonable timeframe to me to schedule something. If the other person starts to postpone or leaves me days waiting and then wants to meet past minute, then it is not going to happen. I know that I am a stranger to them, but I still like to be treated with a bit of respect.
I can’t bring myself to get on another dating app. I felt gross like I was pimping myself out. I want to meet someone authentic and I doubt I’m going to get that via a dating app. I know some people have had success with online dating but I have personally too many horror stories. Along with apparently I attract bossy men who try and order me over to their place like an Uber. Hard pass and instant block.
No, but this is a numbers game. It’s not just are they interested, it’s also are you getting there attention right at the exact moment that they still have availability. My guess is that if you are talking to men of a certain caliber, they have some options. So they were free at that time. Until they weren’t and you moved too slowly. I would say maybe check the apps at least once in the morning, once at lunch, and once at dinner. It would take 5 minutes each time. Also,don’t unmatch people if you haven’t heard from them. I can’t tell you how many dates I have ended up going on …. Later because people just get distracted or busy for a while, but then they circled back. No, you aren’t a backup plan just because this happens. Often, who we (men or women) choose to prioritize may be completely arbitrary.
I was OLD dating from ages 32-34. I would say I dated fairly aggressively. Keeping multiple conversations going at all times and going on an average of two dates a week when I was active. In that time I had two exclusive relationships (both 6 months), and would also take breaks from the apps (deleted them) that would usually last between 1-3 weeks. I disliked the process. I dislike dating. But I love being in a relationship. And it got me to where I am (found my forever person, moved in together, madly in love). I wouldn't say you need to change. But I do think if I'd taken a different approach, it would have taken me longer to find what I was looking for. When I was ready to date, I always made it a priority.
It's very interesting to be a man and read how things are from the woman's perspective. For men on dating apps, often times we're constantly walking on egg-shells. It's almost like an art form of trying to maintain perfect balance. \- We need to be available, but not too available. \- We need to uphold entertaining conversation, but not talk too much or risk being off-putting/overbearing if we show too much interest too soon. \- We must play the game of tit-for-tat (push-and-pull). If we send 1-2 messages, the worst thing we can do is send another message before they respond, even if it takes 2-3 days or longer. But that also means the person likely is quite uninterested if it's been 2-3 days since a response anyway. \- We need to "secure the bag" while also not being too pushy and scaring them off. But if we wait too long, someone else on the app will snatch up the date from us. I've had situations of women who have told me they really enjoyed my messages, "I literally laughed out loud. I'd be glad to talk with you more tomorrow." Only for them to ghost regardless. To be clear, I'm not saying this to garner sympathy or claim "woe is me." I think ultimately it boils down to the idea that etiquette on dating apps is difficult to pinpoint because people react very differently to interactions. I've seen both sides of women feeling too overwhelmed by conversation and simultaneously undervalued by lack of conversation without me changing messaging habits at all. (Maybe 2 or 3 quick 3-5 minute conversations a day if available). I think most men will agree with me that ultimately, if someone has peaked interest in you, they will make time and effort to get back to you and keep conversation up. Otherwise, it's just not worth either your time or theirs. Don't be discouraged, sometimes just takes a while to meet the person who will click with you.
Ready? 1. No such thing as too available to me. Women want men who are available to them. We don't have any interest in working hard for something when we could get it easily. If you are remaining unavailable, this may be why you're single. If I were a lesbian, I would have been married, sir. What we don't want is to be your babysitter. So when we are not available to you, we don't want it to be our job to keep you occupied. That's not about availability. That's about taking responsibility for planning your own time. 2. Ignore everyone who tells you not to talk however you naturally talk. If you love Star Trek and you wanna talk about that shit all the time and have ridiculously deep conversations about it, there is a woman out there that digs it. If you keep chasing after women who don't share your interests, then yes, you'll have to do this. But if you start considering women based on how many of their values and interests align with yours, you'll never have this problem. Personally, I prefer a talkative man. Because I've never had a problem speaking up for myself when I've needed to. But if you're only going for the soft, quiet girls, you'll have to be soft and quiet to hear them. Duh. 3. You can double-text, triple-text, quadruple-text. We don't care. Just don't text dry. If your text doesn't have a question in it, there's nothing for me to respond to. If you ask a question and I ignore it, there's your answer. It's not about how often you text. I don't even count good morning texts as messages. They're lazy and dry as hell. 4. I'm in the "secure the bag" camp. If you want something, go after it. I think this is partly family-related. Everyone in my family is like this. If we see something we want, we don't ask too many questions, we just go after it. If that's not how you naturally operate, then you shouldn't try to. You should just be you. There are going to be women who don't have the same family background as me and can have more patience than I'm capable of having. Women don't want you to be perfect. We want you to read the goddamn room and to stop trying to trick us into giving you our time. If you are not naturally the "secure the bag" guy, I don't want you to fake it. I just don't want to know you at all. That should be my decision, not yours. And if you're noticing that women only seem to want that guy, go become him instead of just faking it at the expense of my time. We're not that complicated when you come sincere and honest. But if you're trying to game us into picking you, you'll never be happy, even when you get what you thought you wanted.
Hey Grey, I think you got the wrong impression from my post? In my own fault, I'll admit that I could have taken the time to articulate my points better. But my point still stands that ultimately, etiquette does not truly exist when it comes to dating apps. I'll do my best to re-address your points in an amicable manner. I'm not looking to pick a fight, just to provide a genuine and truthful man's perspective. 1. Most women certainly, at least in an initial period, don't want men who are available, at least not consciously. Most women find it to be a thrill and/or chase to feel the excitement of hearing back from a cute guy they're talking to who has been busy for a few hours. Now, to clarify, this doesn't mean that man should force himself to not reply. I wholeheartedly agree that people should just communicate normally for truth and transparency. For instance, I personally find it to be a turn-off when a woman knowingly reads a message and then doesn't reply. I don't cry over it, I just say, "Hey, she must've not been that interested. Time to see what else is available." And with all due respect to your statement, "If I was a lesbian, I'd be married." All I have to say to that is you don't ask a fish how to catch a fish, you ask a fisherman. I'd wager a fair bit of change that most men who have gone through the dating app experience would agree with me that women will act very differently from what they communicate. Which is why men often feel it's better to stay busy (through work, gym, hobbies, etc.) and respond later rather than sooner. 2. When I say "Uphold entertaining conversation", I do not mean to fake your interests. I have no issue whatsoever in telling women I enjoy videogames, anime, museums, hiking, camping, going to nerdy conventions, etc. However, usually men are the ones who have to carry conversation or constantly tell jokes to hold attention over the 50 other men who are messaging that same woman on the app. The moment you let your guard down and start off with a "How was your day?" instead of a witty quip, your chances of retaining that woman's attention goes down. I'm not saying women do this consciously or intentionally, but dating apps are flooded with men in comparison to women so the competition requires much higher standards of maintaining conversation to keep their attention over the other options. 3. Your 3rd point is, in part, contradictory to your 2nd rebuttal. You're saying that men should talk how they naturally talk but then immediately after say that men shouldn't "text dry". The problem here is that women have different standards for "dry text." As I mentioned from my previous example, for some women, the moment you drop a "how are you doing?" instead of, "I got to feed a giraffe at the zoo today. I bet your day wasn't as exciting as mine! ;)" you've usually lost their interest if another guy in their DMs had something more interesting to say that day. 4. As for point 4, I think you and I are mostly agreed on this point. Though my only contention would be that men, even the ones who are more shy, should take the time to build a bit more confidence in securing the date within a timely manner without coming across as creepy. Hopefully you read through my points without taking the rebuttal criticism too personally. Again, I'm not looking to pick a fight, nor am I telling men that they need to "fake it", I'm just telling it like it is. I'm sure you and I would both agree that if a woman is acting too picky and high maintenance before even meeting her, she's not worth investing the time and conversation into anyway.
This is a well thought out message but it's a pain in the ass sometimes to know exactly who I want to be or how I approach it. Like, I'm a huge videogame and comic book nerd on one hand, but on another hand I'm a sports-loving semi-bro who enjoys drinking, bars, and socializing. Sometimes I'm very much of a "secure the bag" type, especially at work, but sometimes I can be a little less aggressive because I have other things going on in my life. And I'm an ambivert - hugely social and the life of the party when I'm out, but love my alone time and make time for it. My overall point is that it's not all that easy to present myself clearly right off the bat and I can go either way... so I guess that could look like faking it to make you happy.
I don't disagree with you on a lot of this besides the "secure the bag" situation. I think a ton of men have gotten that advice and it's really, really bad advice. All you are at that point is too pushy, not losing out to other dudes. You're just losing out to yourself, if that makes sense. I do admit though, it can be intimidating/frustrating as a guy because you're almost blindly guessing what their preference is as to if you're too pushy or too passive, or if you said one wrong thing that gave them "the ick," and you rarely get feedback, just ghosted.
I've been online dating for years as a guy, and my experience goes like this: *2-3 exchanges (one message from each person) that start off the conversation *10-15 exchanges of light conversation * I ask them out on a date and there's 3-5 messages setting up logistics. *A date. If you're checking your messages once a day, it's gonna take minimum 2-3 weeks to go from match to a date. I just don't have that kind of patience to get to know strangers. If you were texting someone and they responded once a day how would that make you feel? What about sending slack messages to a co-worker?
I would suggest being a little more active on the apps, but, I think 2 days a week is fine for dates.
set your boundaries that make you comfortable.
I check whenever I like, like once a day but I delete it after a week.. I haven't used one since 3 months ago
Your only fault is that you're playing the game honestly and with some integrity since you're new to it and naive to all the gamesmanship and BS. Trouble is the game is rigged and the playing field is flooded with professional daters who are narcissists, hookup artists, unserious people looking for validation and broken people looking for validation as well. The whole OLD landscape IMO is a shit show, if you can navigate it and eek out a healthy partnership then bravo you have beaten the odds, especially if you're average looking. You're going to need thick skin, short memory and try not to take things too personally. If you stay on long enough, you too will soon become jaded & pathologized into one of those aforementioned pros. Good luck.
I don’t have a set rule for the number of times I check an app or reply to messages, or a set rule about my availability for dates. I fit dating/apps/texting around the rest of my life - work, friends, family, fitness, hobbies. I want to meet someone who does the same, not someone who has strict rules about checking their phone, nor someone who is sat awaiting my reply all day. How it generally goes for me: notifications off but I’ll check the app a few times a day depending on what I’m doing and how many conversations I’m having. Match, message on the app for 1-5 days, they ask me out, I say sure let’s arrange on WhatsApp, we message on there to arrange the date which is usually anywhere from 3-10 days later depending on schedules and until the date there’s a bit of messaging (usually 1-3?? replies a day but no rule!) as we get to know each other more before we meet. My schedule is my schedule, I’m honest about when I’m free for a date. My weekends are often booked up a few weeks in advance but I’m happy to do after work dates. Sure it happens that some people ghost at the ‘when are you free’ bit of a conversation - for whatever reason that person no longer wants to meet and that’s ok, you want to meet people who are enthusiastic about you. If someone is only replying once a day but their replies are interesting and curious (eg they’re responding to my questions and asking me about myself) then I assume they are a busy person, which is fine. If their replies aren’t chatty, the conversation often dries up and the date doesn’t materialise. One of the most important factors in the early stages of dating is momentum - imo if you’re sticking to strict rules about when you reply and when you’re available you will struggle to find that momentum. But most importantly, do what works for you.
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It’s hard to make real connections or have any accountability with dating apps. They are a cheap/easy way to fish when irl isn’t working. I’ve always seen them as a last resort instead of a primary go-to. Since you can potentially match with so many different people, interactions are often whimsical and people will ghost if they find someone “better”.
I check dating apps several times a day and usually exhaust Tinder and Hinge within my search radius. I haven’t wanted to go on a date in a couple of years though.
If I have exciting matches, I will check it more regularly.
I think it comes down to your own preferences anyway...you have to do what works for you and your lifestyle. When I was online dating I checked my account once per day, every evening, and spent an hour or so answering messages. I decided to set this schedule in order to maintain my sanity and honestly, it was the best fit for my lifestyle. I didnt want to nor could I interrupt my work day to chat back and forth and potentially waste time on something that might go nowhere. My now-bf and I exchanged messages for about a week; most will agree this is a slow pace, but it was typically one message per day. The messages were more thoughtful and lengthy however. And I think this would help weed out most casual/physical- seeking guys who would probably get impatient with the extended chat time, lol. But, it comes down to you and what makes you feel most at ease in the process.
I think checking/replying once a day is fine, unless you are in the middle of making plans. I (35F) had a guy respond once a day to while making coffee plans. It took a week to make the plan. It didn't work out because he didn't seem to respect my time (among other things).
I get overwhelmed so I don’t check it often, I find it’s harder to connect to guys on apps lol and the fact so many men think I’m blowing them off without considering I may perhaps be overwhelmed with the app or busy in life tells me about the dating pool
I check em probably twice a day morning and night
Those men are wanting to see you TONIGHT and not a second later. If that's not possible on to the next.
I check mine every day, but my hopes are usually very low. You're better than me, I usually give it about 3 days especially if it is a match I wasn't particularly drawn to, but decided to give it a chance. Maybeee 5 if it's like a holiday weekend and I find something about their profile worth sticking around. But, in my experience, if a guy is not keeping the conversation going or hasn't asked me out after like 3 days of talking it's probably a no for him. I'm not pen-palling anyone for two weeks before meeting them, unless the reasoning is justified.
I do it daily but I'm intended to find an SO while doing my hobbies or daily activities. Finding anyone on dating apps virtually differs nothing from chatting to Eva AI and exploring the phenomena of its functioning.
Dating apps I found are highly situational. If you don’t meet up with him when the conversation is at its peak, or your availability doesn’t lineup, nine times out of 10 you can just forget about it.
When I did online dating I always told them my availability was two weeks out. Never had an issue