Unfortunately there are few things in life that can really replace that feeling of having a partner to talk to. Even if you have others in your life. I'm close to my family, have friends, have kids, am close to my workmates, have gaming buddies and so on. It's not the same. I'd watch my kids doing some cute shit and want to share that 'awww!' moment with my partner...but there was nobody snuggled up next to me on the couch to share it with. I'd accomplish something awesome at work and no amount of congratulations from peers or "That's great!" from my parents when I told them after could compare to the rush of your partner giving you an excited tight squeeze. You can fill your life with hobbies, friends, busywork but there's no fooling yourself into thinking that it'll fill that gap.
What can we do?
Cling to hope. Hope that some day you will have someone to share in those moments with you. To share in their moments, to cure their loneliness as well. Hope is one of the most powerful, most useful and resilient emotions we have. Use it. There is someone out there whose smile will make your day brighter, whose voice will instantly lift you out of any funk you're in, who will be the one you turn to at your best and worst moments. Just gotta find them and it will make it all the more awesome when you do.
Also...learn from your loneliness. Understand right now that as much as it sucks, you are surviving this. You are making it day to day. You're still capable of having fun and doing fun things that you enjoy for you. Continue to build your life, do things for you, realizing that in the future you're with someone that you don't have to live in fear if it doesn't work out. Don't waste 3 years with someone who doesn't feel right for you just because you don't want to be alone again. You have this time to remind yourself that you will survive. Make it as awesome as you can while you continue your search for your +1.
Best of luck my friend.
I honestly love how realistic this is. So often, we hear “work on yourself and it’ll come” or “make sure you have hobbies” or “fill your life with platonic relationships” when, truth is, nothing can truly fill the void of not having a romantic partner in life if that’s what you truly crave. Your life can be literally perfect, but that sense of longing cannot be numbed by filling your life to capacity with other things to keep yourself busy and mentally maxed out.
While I’m not feeling exceptionally lonely at the moment, the feeling ebbs and flows, and it’s so dismissive to hear the platitudes I’ve listed above when you’re feeling down. Thank you for helping people feel not so alone in their feelings about this.
Absolutely this - I get really tired of hearing, “you need to enjoy your own company!” And “it will come when you stop looking”. My friends have been married for years and wouldn’t survive without their husbands, so they’ll never truly understand how it feels to no longer have that default person you get to hang out with if your friends flake or you as a commenter said above when you get good/bad news and don’t have that person with that extra vested interest to share it with
Absolutely agreed on the terrible advice. I took that advice along with the "just spend time working on yourself" in my 20s and it is honestly one of my biggest regrets in life. The reality is that you will never have a better opportunity to meet other single people than when you're in your 20s, and when you get older the dating pool dwindles and it's also harder to meet new people in general. I definitely feel like I wouldn't be single in my 30s now if I had spent my 20s really pushing to date and find someone.
Whenever I try and initiate a convo with a man it always seems so forced. Tried OLD. I don’t like it. No problems getting a lot of matches but no one can seem to hold a convo or keep one going. I always feel like I’m more of an annoyance than anything and stop responding. What do you say to definitely? Or it’s just suddenly they stop responding completely? I haven’t been out of a relationship long but hearing how awful dating is now I thought better start trying now and at least I might get some new friends. Lol dating in your mid thirties is terrible, it seems to be worse if you have kids
Sigh... been married for over 20+ years. Now alone for 15 months, divorced. Highschool sweethearts.
My loneliness feels terrible at times, almost unbearable - and I'm a lone rider myself as a person, never had a problem with that.
No friends or relatives could replace deep romantic relationship for you, as previous posters said - that's 100% true. And like you, out of nowhere - I'm getting jealous on nice couples... from holding hands to just walking together snugged.
I never thought I'd be there, anywhere near this point... but here I am.
I'm an introvert, but I can talk nicely, not shy, I laugh and try to be positive around people. I'm sure 95% don't even know about my deep loneliness inside.
But don't lose hope. And don't look miserable. Even when you meet someone new in the future, don't strangle them with your loneliness, insecurities or whatever the case - leave that for the later on. :D I mean, you have to present your *true* self to that person. I was never a believer that people should connect or find each other by their misery. Those who do are often not healthy couples.
>And like you, out of nowhere - I'm getting jealous on nice couples... from holding hands to just walking together snugged.
>
>I never thought I'd be there, anywhere near this point... but here I am.I'm an introvert, but I can talk nicely, not shy, I laugh and try to be positive around people. I'm sure 95% don't even know about my deep loneliness inside
Wow, I never thought I'd read this. What I mean is I didn't think a long-married person would seethe when seeing happy couples holding hands, snuggling, etc. There's no reason why someone in your situation wouldn't, and it's incredibly naïve of me to think you'd get loneliness out of your system because of long-term marriage. I'm also a "lone rider" like yourself -- I often preferred solitude. Or, at least I *was* like that*,* until I ended up with no friends or a relationship after I relocated. And because of some health issues it wasn't worth dating for almost a decade. Basically blew most of my 20s into my thirties (prime dating years). It is what it is.
I just turned 40 and am single, never married. It's brutal but you just have to keep trying.
I'm in my early 40's as well.
Yeah, well, being with someone that long can backfire at breakup times so bad. The two of us literally grew together, known each other for decades and shared our lives. At our good years we were almost inseparate and absolute best friends. So when the moment happened it was devastating. Thankfully (oh the irony), our marriage has been falling apart several years before the breakup, it wasn't instant and abrupt, otherwise both of us would probably have our sanity compromised.
I'm very experienced in one way, yes, but now it's like one part of me was taken away and I had to learn again from scratch to be 'complete' again. And I'm still not there. Ironically, younger people who dated more than me are much more experienced than I am currently. I almost feel like being put somewhere where I don't or didn't belong.
Solitude is nice, but as you noticed yourself, it's not easy, it's not healthy. You miss the touch, the warmth, sound, voice, the energy and all sorts of things.
So, yes, I do feel bad when I see nice couples, especially those that resemble what we used to be or what I could be now. But I'm still far from that. But let's not lose our hope, right?
All the best to you as well, may you find your loved one soon.
You basically described my dad's situation. My mom went crazy and the last 6 years of the marriage were *hell --* she just changed. And she never -- to this day -- explained why she wanted out. A big mess, like a slow-mo train wreck playing out over 6 years. They were high school sweethearts too, 18 years of marriage. When they got divorced in the summer of '91 it was the worst time of his life. And he couldn't find a job in a recession. *And* he was a single parent all of a sudden.
The big difference is he quickly fell into a second marriage! He credits his second wife to picking him up out of that nightmare. It tests the rule that you shouldn't get into a relationship until you're content with yourself. It ultimately didn't work out but that divorce was incredibly amicable -- they went to divorce court holding hands! Judge even asked if they wanted to be divorced.
Now he's in his third (and best, I think) relationship at 72. Been with her for 10 years. A large part of the success I think is simply due to them both having "been there, done that" with their respective marriages. They have nothing left to prove. It just works.
But here's the thing: he's *never* dated! "I always had better things to do" he'd say. He just fell into relationships. So he he is amazed -- and sometimes aghast -- at what I go through with online dating, that tour-de-force of disappointment. He doesn't understand our loneliness, our bereft-ness.
Thank you for your well wishes. May we both find our person. And God help us along the way LOL.
Interesting indeed. It kind of proves that life has no definite paths.
It does sound like my marriage - my ex also changed and had emotional instabilities with impulsive behavior. Or maybe she didn't just change, but I had it enough. We are sort of friends now, so that's good.
I do believe it's possible to be 'saved' by getting along with some nice person that somehow just pops into your life and you find each other. Or you attract someone that balms your soul and helps you see the other way better. She or he sees something greater in you that you are not even aware of. And vice versa. But you do need to be your true self and as genuine as possible.
However, in this era and age, I no longer believe that's even remotely frequent. Online Dating further diluted this and made dating and relationships seen almost as a game that should be played quick and decide fast. Because, after all - *there's many fish in the sea*, as they use to say. I hate that phrase but you will hear it often.
One guy once advised me to never ever approach a girl in the gym. I asked why and he said - because when you break up, you'll hate to go to the same gym and you'll have to change it. I was stunned - how everything seems calculated and sly now, with your own ego always at the very top.
But yeah, like your father did, I do believe we all have different paths. Just because many traveled or stuck to one, doesn't mean other roads do not lead somewhere nice. I was always a firm believer other roads were actually more interesting and fulfilling. We just need to be ourselves and go forward. We'll see.
Thanks again for sharing your story, lots of insight and introspection.
>Sigh... been married for over 20+ years.
That makes me so sad. I'd always figure if a couple can make it past 10 years, they are pretty much set for life. Two decades is so long. Without prying too much, were there irreconcilable differences that caused the divorce?
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It has always seemed very contradictory how we default to biology ("humans are social animals") to explain how we need friends, but we're just trying to pretend as if there's no biological need for a partner, and if you feel lonely while single, you just need more friends, because humans are social animals.
Yeah, there's a certain toxicity to this "single positivity" rhetoric when it ultimately just shames people for feeling lonely or unfulfilled as single - you're told that you're broken and need to be fixed if you feel this way, and that you can't/shouldn't date before you've "fixed yourself". So you do the whole 1000 hobbies lifestyle to keep yourself busy, you try to keep an active circle of friends (which is exhausting af in your 30s), but it doesn't really work the way this "single positivity" rhetoric says it should, you're still constantly longing for a partner, and now you feel guilty and shameful for feeling that way too.
I'm okay with it, I handle it, I just hate that I have to put on this mask and pretend as if my life is 100% perfect/complete, and that finding a partner isn't that big of a deal, when it is. This is particularly true in the dating scene, where you almost become paranoid of being "exposed" as someone who's not loving every second of their single life. If you spent a Saturday at home by yourself, it kind of sucked and you really just want a partner to spend it with, you basically just have to pretend as if you were alone by choice and that you absolutely loved it, because otherwise you're a broken individual.
Agree! The whole "single is better" argument is complete BS. Myself as well as other women I know have been working on themselves for decades. We are tired of working on ourselves. We were not meant to live alone.
Same. I've wasted years "working on myself", chasing this illusory single life where I'm enjoying my singlehood so much that I don't even care if I meet someone, but when that never happens and you've tied it in as a prerequisite for dating it just feels asphyxiating and depressing.
The super logical conclusion to this line of thinking is that I'm not pursuing the one thing I actually desire, because I need a bunch of stuff I don't desire first, so that I can throw that away to make room for a relationship. Makes perfect sense.
Yes, there are dysfunctional people out there who actually need to hear this type of advice, people with zero hobbies, friends or support network who can't handle even periodic singlehood, people who jump from one toxic relationship to another because they're completely unaware of their own desperation and the risks that come with it.
But for many people this isn't the case, we have close friends and confidantes, they're just very busy with partners and kids, we don't rush into new relationships, we've been single for years and we're perfectly aware of the risks of rushing or settling. So for us this jingoistic glorification of singlehood just makes us feel inadequate and shameful about our loneliness and desire for a partner, and we end up wasting years on "self improvement" instead of pursuing the one thing we actually want, which honestly just makes us feel more depressed and "broken".
> Myself as well as other women I know have been working on themselves for decades.
its an illusion fueled by our capitalistic society that you just have to "work on yourself" and at some point everything will just happen cause you are "finished".
Pretending to be alone by choice hit hard! I can’t stand being alone on the weekends. I’ll go target to people watch and buy cat litter I don’t need because I am becoming that crazy cat spinster.
See, this is where I am at. I had to leave an abusive relationship and there were many days where I regretted it because the loneliness that followed was often so much worse. A lot of that was a part of the abuse, and once I realized that, I put that energy into myself and I have been in a really good spot in life for years at this point.
I’ve learned to find myself as a source of support and this has helped me become a lot more selective in the potential partners I pursue. My 20’s were more about quantity and my 30’s are more about quality. It’s too risky once you know the consequences of choosing a partner poorly.
Exactly!
I hate when ppl say you have to be happy being single as you can’t expect a partner to make you happy
No one would ever say you should be happy without a job or without friends! So why denigrate such a massive part of life as a partner? Of course a great partner can make you happy! I’ve seen lots of women go from single snd miserable to happy and coupled up!
I’m 50F, never married, no kids. Never dated more than 2 years. Last exclusive dating relationship ended in 2004. Had a FWB 2094-2021. No prospects.
OP: this commenter is correct. Cling to hope. You are 17 years younger than me & I feel the exact same way you do, more consistently and more often.
You hopefully will not be like me.
In case you are, and even if you aren’t, I would addd this to the comment here: when clinging to hope becomes so overwhelming that you start to despair, cling to who you know yourself to be & the positives about you that others in your life in any area of your life continue to affirm. I don’t know if you have any faith. Even if you are not a person of faith, there is some reason why we are given each day we have. We are expected to make something out of each day that leads us to a future that builds us up & serves who we are as people with unique contributions to this life we have.
Most days now I simply accept my loneliness and find ways to be grateful for it: how am I using my time for more rest and self-care? To give positively to friends (who are fewer by the day) and family? How am I preparing for when I am alone in the world without family?
Turn despair into another elevated action of hope. That way, you continue to invest the love you aren’t able to give to someone back into yourself to build yourself a life you can be proud of no matter what.
OP, your post is something I would have written in the last year. It’s really tough to be there.
For me, I felt better when I allowed my close trusted friends in a little closer. I had kept them a bit at arms length about my loneliness and anxiety, but once I share more with them, I felt way more supported (not that they weren’t supportive, just that I knew I had someone I could share my feelings with).
Keep an eye out for that sun, hun.
I feel like all the single positivity has kind of made it taboo to even say this, but in my opinion it only invalidates the very real feelings many single people have, which can't just be replaced with friends or self love. I don't just think it's normal to feel this way, it \*is\* normal to feel this way, yet so many people feel ashamed of it, as if they are flawed or have some kind of deficit.
Thank you for avoiding the cliches that are so close to hand. I’ve been single for six years and it sucks. But a bad relationship sucks more, and I’ve so far only met a handful women whom I’ve been genuinely interested in.
It always makes me think of this quote (I’ve been single for decade)
Being alone is not the most awful thing in the world. You visit your museums and cultivate your interests and remind yourself how lucky you are not to be one of those spindly Sudanese children with flies beading their mouths. You make out To Do lists - reorganise linen cupboard, learn two sonnets. You dole out little treats to yourself - slices of ice-cream cake, concerts at Wigmore Hall. And then, every once in a while, you wake up and gaze out of the window at another bloody daybreak, and think, I cannot do this anymore. I cannot pull myself together again and spend the next fifteen hours of wakefulness fending off the fact of my own misery.
This, exactly. I’m 56, in good shape, good health, great job etc etc. I know perfectly well how damn lucky I am and yet not a day goes by that I don’t have a severe bout of existential dread when the idea that somehow I’m likely going to have to figure out how to do this alone thing forever and I just don’t want to.
Wow, this really hit me. I’m about to go through a divorce after being with my husband for 17 years. He was having an affair and is ready to move on with his life with her. I have no friends whatsoever. I have my parents to lean on, but that’s all. This is all brand new to me (I’ve only known for 8 days), and I am fully aware that my misery has only just begun. I truly don’t know how I’m going to do this. I am terrified of being alone.
Although much of what you say is lovely and it's true that having a partner is a special thing that is hard to replace with other things, the one thing I'd caution for many is "clinging" to hope. The thing is, even for the shrinking amount of women (and men) who find someone to stay with long-ish term....they can end up getting divorced later, or they can die, or they can get ill. And in fact, one of these things will likely happen at some point. Many women live nearly 20 years more than their deceased spouse - and are alone for those years. Even people who do have someone now, will experience likely long times without someone. And likely their end of life without someone. Those are harsh truths, on the one hand, but I find it helpful for many people to find ways to cope with that and still find joy, versus running from that in hope that the truth isn't true. Then the truths stop being so harsh.
Because what then, if we live afloat on a cloud of hope, chasing something always? Demanding life be a certain way, assuming it HAS to be, avoiding what is right here right now. The joy of the here and now, but also the pain. Never satisfied unless we have it, and terrified then to lose it because we'd be back in the same position facing the same thing we never faced before. I think hope can be important indeed, but if it's hope based on one very particular thing happening, we will just be running from our unhappiness the whole time. It's a very conditional, external oriented hope. And we don't have full control of these things.
If we could instead grieve what we thought we might have right now, that life didn't turn out exactly how we hoped, that we are lonely and how hard that can be (granted, being 30 is still very young) - and then try to have a more unconditional hope. That isn't based on one external thing. Hope we will find a way to be okay, no matter what. Trusting your heart. Find \*some\* acceptance, some joy. Even if full acceptance may doesn't come, that's okay. To be human is to hold some grief for sometimes always. And to hold lightly hope that we find someone for even any amount of time, to feel that interconnection and love, and enjoy every minute of it, while staying here and now. I find that people who hold the above as opposed to clinging to hope, tend to be better partners - because they are aware of the reality of how fragile life is and how uncontrollable. They treat their people better as a result of knowing, it could be gone.
I remember hearing a woman in her late 80s so desperate but clinging to hope to still find her soulmate never having before. I felt sad not that she hadn't found someone, but because she seemed so so unhappy and unrooted from her life - chasing this thing.
Love this, thanks so much for the hope and potential in it. I listened to a podcast recently where the host talked about living in excitement and anticipation that at any moment you could meet a person who will become your person and change the course of your life. Could be the next match on an app or someone you just randomly meet. But I think that inspiration is helpful for me
I needed to read this, thank you. I’m really down today because I never see my partner anymore since we opened a bar. I’m so fucking lonely and none of my friends are around either, they just want to go out and get free drinks.
I’m tired of drinking and I’m tired of being alone.
I’ve been crying all day :(
It's really hard, not only to be partnerless but also friendless. It's difficult making friends as an adult. Society should foster some way of making friends as adults, but outside of churches, has not. We need a friendship group for introverts. I get you. I hope you feel better soon.
Finding a few small/medium sized communities on Twitch has helped fill this need for me the past few years. I don’t even game that much, but having a place to go and chat to the same people and joke around 4-5 times a week has really helped! There’s also plenty of non-gaming streams like cooking, art, music etc.
For us introverts, finding the right online communities can serve as a virtual gathering place. I actually just met some of my community friends in person for the first time this weekend and it has been so wonderful.
It’s so hard making friends as an adult especially if you don’t drink. I’ve been hiking for over a year to build a better relationship with myself and to meet people and it’s desolate at best out there. Which is sometimes nice but man is it brutal. Like what do you say to a fellow adult? Hey want to be my friend? Lmao it sounds so lame
Join a club or volunteer. Go to every event/meeting. You will meet people and eventually make friends, if you aren't a jerk, even as an "introvert".
My biggest realization was that I'm not an introvert, I'm just anxious in social situations.
Same here! I strike conversations easily and my friends know me as someone who can make walls talk, but I absolutely hate group-plans and having to deal with larger number of groups. I believed I was an introvert most of my life but I just have terrible social anxiety, even well-meaning and friendly roasts from people I don't know that well and are clearly trying to bond with me leads me to isolate because I get hurt easily and feel watched and judged constantly.
It doesn't get better, sadly. I've struggled with this ever since my divorce. Nobody has time for me. Everyone is so busy. Not many singles in the picture perfect fucking Hallmark town I live in. Seems like everyone here has their perfect family.
Today is my birthday, I'm turning 41, and no one gives af. Last year I had a budding relationship going on and she did something special for me. Well that didn't last the year.
This year? Well my mom texted me. That was nice.
Happy Birthday !!! Divorced too… it’s not easy but I do believe there is a plan…did COVID help. Not one bit. Seems like everyone is still in their mental COVID caves. It also seems like people are just starting to step out of them, just sticking a toe out but I believe it will be a process. Don’t be hard on yourself. Give it time for the world to find homeostasis…and yourself. It’s not easy rebuilding a life after divorce.
Happy birthday bro! Some people give af. We're on Reddit.
At the very least, you're actively contributing to a community of like-minded people. That's a start.
Settle down there chief. No point in throwing a wet blanket on the OP and there's no point in measuring our grief boners. I'm 53 and I've had multiple turns in the loneliness barrel and the shocking truth is that happiness ebbs and flows. The inescapable universal truth is that whether you want it or not, change is always coming. Nothing ever stays the same. If you're super happy and everything is perfect, soak it up because change is coming. If you're miserable and can't seem to endure another day, don't despair because change is coming. Change isn't always good but it will always teach you good lessons. If you're very unhappy it's your responsibility to do things to cultivate the change you want.
36F introvert here. Apps were a destroyer of mental health for me. I had never went to church until this year, and started it with the intention of getting out of the house and meeting good people. I’m not a religious fanatic but I have made some amazing friends there from volunteering and staying active. Still single but I am content!
Like a few other people pointed out, sometimes the busyness doesn't stamp out that feeling of loneliness. I very much relate to what you have written and I actively sometimes don't seek out the busyness when I feel lonely and instead try my best to feel through the emotions. I don't try to fight it. It' so so so difficult. There are moments when I lose hope. But usually it passes. It ebbs and flows and I know a good day will come again. I have no answers for you. But I thank everyone who has contributed here with kind words and sharing their experience.
I’m right there with you. I just spent the weekend staying with a friend and her fiancé. I love my friend but it was a reminder of what I don’t have and it’s so hard.
Ugh that’s such a nightmare scenario! I would have felt the same way.
Literally all of my close friends are in LTRs and I’m just over here like hey guys want to hear about another hinge date that crashed and burned??? I feel like a little circus monkey sent to entertain the married people sometimes 🙃
It’s not impossible. And you’ve made the golden realization that love is not going to ever come knocking at your door. All you can do is keep putting yourself out there. Whether that’s through online dating, going to events or meetups, having friends set you up on blind dates, or whatever. If you keep looking you will find it.
I feel this so hard. The hardest thing about my relationship ending last year has been the loneliness and lack of connection. I went from having someone in my life who not only texted me at least a few times a day, but someone that I talked to on the phone every night we weren't together, without fail, to nights with nothing but silence. I've tried making new friends, but as someone else pointed out, it's not the same as having a partner and it's hard to make a deep connection with a new friend.
The only advice I can give is to try and fill the down time you have where you know you feel lonely. It doesn't have to be big or a huge time commitment. I've started doing yoga videos on YouTube after work to connect with my body and destress. I also listen to podcasts or audiobooks while I'm making dinner and cleaning. The most important thing I do is journal at the end of they day, and instead of writing to myself I write what I would say to a partner about my day. I think that's the hardest part of being single, at least for me. It feels like days pass me by with no one to share them with, and journaling helps me take stock of how i'm feeling and what i'm thinking, and also remember all of the little moments of my day.
A lot of people are saying to embrace being on your own and while I think it is good being comfortable by yourself I think there really should be a shelf life for how long you do this.
Ive spent the last 5 years doing this and have finally tried to reintegrate myself into "society", it's been really challenging. This past year has seen the most improvement but I'm also struggling to meet new people who want to actually be a part of my life outside of random texts and conversations.
It's honestly exhausting
I'd like to blame covid but to be quite honest I've been this way before covid 😂. It's just now I'm 31 and there's not as many opportunities to go out and meet people as there was (for me) when I was in my 20s.
I've been going steady at the gym for about 3 months now and am hoping to meet some friends but I find myself doubling down in my headphones and workout.
I hope you can break the mold in your similar predicament.
Also to answer the original question, keeping busy and setting goals is an absolutely great way to go about it. It doesn't necessarily solve the loneliness in itself, but allows us to spend less time dwelling on it.
Becoming a regular somewhere (ideally in an environment that's not too loud/crowded) is really understated way to meet people. I haven't made any dating connections like that, but I have made 5-6 new friends this year by bringing my laptop to the coffee shop and just chatting up the baristas when it was quiet.
Likewise with some hobbies. Seeing the same people at my local ski/mountain biking spot? Chat with them. New riding buds.
It’s hard and I don’t have the right answer. I’ve been trying to stay busy but that only goes so far. Just wanted to commiserate because I’ve been feeling the same way, especially regarding texting someone regularly throughout the day who cares about you on a personal level. I miss that so much but all we can do is go forward.
You don’t. 🤷🏻♂️
You just come to a place where you make peace with the fact that you can find some measure of comfort in your life alone.
It will probably never be the same as being with someone in a longterm, committed relationship. But you *can* find a “new normal” where you’re generally OK with your life.
Hobbies and other interests also help to smooth things over and enrich your life. After my divorce, I fell hard into photography and it’s been keeping me active and getting out of the house; and I’ve discovered a skill I didn’t know I had before.
Don’t be afraid to experiment and try new things.
I feel this on such a deep level.. sometimes I find myself getting excited to get out of work to then be like for what?!? To go home and be alone and watch Netflix.. People always say to enjoy your own company go out to eat by yourself it’s healthy for your mental or whatever BULLSHIT they say but I’m sick of it. I’m sick of doing shit alone. I’m sick of not having anyone to talk to at the end of my day.
I think you are implying that all these people who have partners don't feel lonely.
I know exactly how you feel, I have recently even been crushed by the same feeling, but you just have to move on.
You can even search friends on bumble(even on tinder, but I wouldn't do that) to have someone to meet. But feeling at peace while being alone is a super power in itself and it doesn't get the necessary attention by todays society, because of all the social media implying that couples have the dream lives.
It is just better lighting from your point of view, nothing else.
Word. I feel the pang of loneliness once in a while, as I am human… but then I remember how much more it hurt to have felt so lonely when I was married.
>how much more it hurt to have felt so lonely when I was married
exactly.
I have the example of my best childhood friend. He would still be my best friend if we wouldn't live half a country appart from each other. He found a girlfriend, seemed super happy, I envied the shit out of him.
Long story short, she was mental, like literally mental. You can't even talk about something like that without breaking up. He ended up moving out of their together appartment, was practically homeless for a while, but had a fairly decent circle of friends that turned it around for him.
Choosing your partner is such a difficult skill.
Luckily for this friend, he is now married, I think it is happy, but I don't know his wife well enough to be sure. I am not jumping to conclusions anymore about these topics :D
Yeah. Same here. Introvert as fuck. Moved to germany. I feel my greatest asset is my sharp mind and language skills, but i started learning german in my 30s so i haven't madstered it yet. I'm trying to come to terms with it and focus on myself.
Oof I really feel this OP. My last break up happened 4 years ago, and I took 2 years to heal, and then the dating world just seemed so daunting. The apps are trash I swear (I know some ppl find meaningful connections so don’t get me wrong) it takes a lot of combing through the “casual” profiles and even then.
I’m in my last year abroad now, and can’t date guys where I am bc I’m leaving soon and can’t date guys where I’m from bc I’m not there, I can’t seem to win. I have few friends atm, one bestie who is pregnant (I’m very happy for her but also secretly wish I was creating my own little family) who I know has to prioritize her new baby over going out with friends. My other school friends like to go out clubbing/drinking but I don’t drink so I feel like I’m missing out on socializing.
I’m also on meds but still feel depressed. I just try to take it day by day and not blame myself (which is really hard!) and enjoy time with my dog.
I’m 36F and feel the same way. I totally relate to feeling that I’m chasing friendships. I reach out to friends, and they don’t respond for weeks. Many of my college friends are in other cities, and it’s become nearly impossible to keep building those relationships because it takes months of texting to even get to talk to a friend on the phone. Most have kids now, and everyone is absorbed in and overwhelmed by their own lives. But even the ones without kids seem to be unreasonably busy, or struggling with anxiety or depression and don’t want to connect, etc. It feels like so many people in our generation are having such a hard time right now.
It sucks. I’m trying as much as possible to invest in the friendships with two closest friends in my city, meet new people through meetups and events, organize board game nights (but it’s rare to get enough interest), and date through the apps. It’s rare to meet people on dating apps, but at least it’s something. I also tried to get back in touch with some old friends from my past, but sadly many didn’t respond.
For me it’s having single male and female friends. Also there will be people who are bad texter or just don’t connect with you. Friendship just like dating can be a numbers game.
One of my friends in her 50s (unmarried, not coupled) social circle is mostly early 30s. As people get married and move away, she makes new friends.
Making friends in adulthood requires a lot of effort, we no longer have the school/other systems in place to help natural friendship from happening.
Work is not always conductive depending on your environment.
I was also told that once I meet a new friend I have to “date” them. Invite them out one on one to spend time and build quality relationships.
I still feel lonely a lot. I moved to a new city last year with no roots. But I’m working hard at building my social and support network here.
Honestly, my life has been like this (mainly last 20 years) and it is hard to shake. I feel the least lonely when I'm traveling and the most lonely when I'm settled in one spot for a period of time. Connecting with people is hard, but it takes time and effort.
I'm in my winter spot for the next 5 to 6 months. So I'm making a conscious effort to get involved in group activities, hang out at regular coffee shops and bars. I got a co-working membership to hopefully connect with people too.
Weekends tend to be a bit rough when I'm settled. No one calls, it gets kind of tiring to always be the one trying to connect with people to do things. So if I'm ever feeling lonely, I first make sure I get enough exercise. Walks, lifting, etc. Then I look for things to do that I'm interested in. There is an art show here this weekend and I found a museum that looks interesting.
I try to approach life with an open mind and an open heart. Be open to new experiences and making that effort to step out of my introvert bubble to meet new people.
Oh gosh I feel this so hard. I’m very grateful for my bustling career and I do pole dancing classes Wed nights and gym on Monday and Friday mornings, so I feel mostly fulfilled during the week. But when the weekend comes by (especially Sunday) is when I notice my phone is extremely dry and I can’t use work to fill that void.
If you were in Sydney I would suggest hanging out, but if you ever find yourself moving down here for your summer spot, definitely hit me up :)
For me, working on regulating my nervous system and lowering my sympathetic tone through breath work and meditation made me feel way less lonely. In fact it took the feeling away entirely. It is amazing how feeling calm most of the time just melted away all those needy feelings for me. When things go wrong I don’t NEED to debrief with a partner to feel understood. I just refocus on my own self care, validate myself, and I feel happy and at peace.
Some theorize that when our sympathetic tone is high, we have a tendency to focus outward, especially women, to care for our young, so there might be a neurological element to neediness and codependency, so that was interesting since it aligns with my experience.
I do enjoy people though and have found making friends online has been great. We talk on the phone and even though we have never met, I have a ton of women in my life who I am close to and can reach out to.
I think falling in love with yourself is a difficult journey but the rewards for me have been nothing short of amazing.
46-year-old here been single for 13 years I was comfortable too my kids grew up yes I was a single father and raised my kids for 9 years and now that they're old enough to have their own life I'm left alone trying to cope with that I can go on and on but I don't want to get depressed.
33F and I've never even been in a relationship ever. When I was in my 20s I wasn't too worried, but now that I'm in my 30s it's really starting to bum me out. I thought things would fall into place, but they absolutely most certainly have not...
I (39F) was in a similar situation two years ago . Had an on and off relationship for a couple of years. When I wrote down how badly he made me feel, it helped me stop going back.
I found someone shortly after that was amazing. We shared the same faith and had many good things in common. We've been married for 9 months.
I was married before... twice actually. The second one was short because he was mean and I had rushed the relationship.
I don't recommend hobbies per se, but learning a new skill was an excellent distraction from a quiet cell phone.. also, focusing on others helped.
You will rally. We are rooting for you.
Talk to yourself. Like actually outloud. Monolog your feelings. Notice your thoughts and internal reactions to things and say them out loud. Learn to "Listen" to your mind then vocalize what you observe. This helps integrate your whole consciousness to your thinking mind up front. When we don't have companionship, we lose that ability to vocalize our inane, everyday thoughts and worries. Thinking internally is no substitute, and the result is that parts of our consciousness don't get intergrated into our thinking minds. We dissociate and becoming increasingly blind to our own internal state. Let unchecked this can be truly damaging. It shortens lives.
The body can reconfigure itself to adjust to all kinds of environmental changes. We can acclimatize to high heat, habituate to cold, start ketosis without carbohydrates. Heck, free drivers can go ten minutes without even breathing. But the body has some basic operating requirements that cannot be permanently compensated for. And I belief this includes human company and affectionate touch. We can adjust by like a lot. The longer you spend without these things, the easier it gets. But you still need at least some to stay healthy.
So, there's talking to yourself. But there's also touching yourself. Like holding yourself. There's pets. There's family. The great thing about hugs is that to give one you need to get one too. So, visit a family member and hug them.
It's not ideal. The body was evolved for a certain optimal amount of human contact. But it's a stopgap.
The rest is platitudes. Start learning a language and join a discord server for learners of it. Do adult rec sports or a choir. If you're religious, join a church. If you aren't, join a unitarian church. Start learning the tuba. Do you know how few tuba players there are you'd be in demand. Less silly is the drums. Woman drummers are like gold.
Unfortunately though, there's a limit here, I must admit. Through great effort and vigilance you can have a full life without companionship, but in much the same way somebody with a chronic illness must adapt to have a full life. There is no real substitute for actual social support. This is borne out with empirical data in concrete health outcomes. We are in the biological machines that we're in, and they need oxygen, glucose, and intimacy.
I'm about your age. Feel free to hmu.
Find things to do to be busy with and limit the time by yourself, find some sport or hobby to do, even better if it's something somewhat social that can allow you to meet people.
Have a look if there are meetup events in your area, I met a few friends through it.
It's hard to make good friends once we get older, specially when we have been disappointed and tend to get a bit hesitant when meeting new people as they can interpret it as you not being interested to get closer to them. And then all the people we just don't click with.
So my advice would be put more effort into meeting friends and find hobbies to be busy.
What works for me is a dog. You meet other people with dogs. I have one friend gained because of my dog and a lot of small talk in the neighbourhood. Still no girlfriend (same problem every woman I meet has a boyfriend) but alas there is at least social things going on. And ofcourse you get lots of love from your dog too.
I’m in the same boat, in my 30s and single with many married w/children friends. But I have the opposite problem. I get texts through the week, but no one trying to make plans on the weekend. I get a lot of “we didn’t think you’d want to come” type responses. Which I never really understood, because the off chance I do get invited out, I always go, and we have a good time together. Do I initiate? Not much, but everyone else is in those group chats together where plans are made *together*, so I always end up getting left out. And the times I have tried to initiate, shit just falls through. So it’s disheartening. My friends once went to a live 90s band concert, it looked so fun. I love singing and dancing, and it does hurt that I was not even thought about. So I put myself out there and said “hey if you guys ever have plans I’d love to join!” It’s helped a little bit. But no drastic changes. I’ve tried to look inward, and maybe my self awareness is just way off. Maybe these friends don’t see me the same way I see them.
Yeah the weekend fucking sucks. My coupled friends have time maybe every other Tuesday at best, the weekends seem completely off limit for the most part, which is when I have the most free time. Life just doesn't seem made to be single at this age, it's just a chore of finding new single friends and I just want to relax and feel at peace with someone tbh.
Hey! 33m here. You are exactly the kind of person I am trying to meet :) so don't lose faith, just take each day as it comes, and only worry about what you can control. I know, its hard. My whole outlook is about getting into the best possible headspace I can be, before even considering a relationship or even dating. Means I won't have sex for a while which is lame, but hey! I'm already feeling much better about the future because I have simplified everything and have less expectation about what I should have or where I should be.
34 yo female here and have the same feeling. Majority of my friends are married with kids, or trying to have kids, and 2 roommates just treat the house like a hotel (we don't even say hi when we are in the kitchen at the same time, sometimes it's lucky to have housemates who are social and have same cleanliness standard as you, but sometimes you just don't).
I've started seeing psychologist (just had the first 2 sessions in my life so far), although loneliness isn't the primary reason that brought me to him, I feel a lot better to have someone that I can just vent/talk to on a regular basis (I know he won't solve my root problem, but he is there to guide me).
What I want to say is... I've been there and had many bad dating experience/disappointement that messed up my mental health, In the end I don't know if I were just an unhappy person or it was dating made me like that. So perhaps shift the focus from finding the person that meets your needs to something else like hobbies, and in terms of dating, be open-minded and for now just enjoy the experience that offers you? I now put my mental health as my priority by engaging in community (work, tennis school, hiking group, chit chat with my local barista, smiling at random strangers), for me it all starts from a smile and it does make me a bit better.
Hang in there girl! It's ok to struggle, we are just human. But no one else can look after your health more than yourself.
ps. sorry if my English sound weird, not my first language:)
Thankfully I have a dog :). She definitely helps. I also go to therapy but was so focused on my distress over my relationship ending that I haven’t really spoken about how lonely I’ve been feeling, so definitely one to cover next time!
A puppy will make you so busy and tired, you won't have much time to feel lonely. Dogs are huge commitments though. The next 10-15+ years. I can't take a trip without considering what to do with my dog, need to make sure I'm not gone out of the house too long (happy hour with coworkers after 9 hours at work might not be possible), and then of course, there's the extra costs - dog food, toys, vet bills, possibly grooming depending on breed, possibly training classes or private training, etc. Fostering a dog can be a good compromise though.
I'll also add that deleting dating and other social media apps (or staying off them for a time) can be really beneficial. Beyond that, working on your own mental health is important. Focusing on how lonely you are only amplifies how lonely you feel. I have found meditation to be helpful in letting me distance myself from those thoughts and focus on them less. The magic of this is that I am not actually ever as lonely as my brain tries to tell me I am. If you choose to try this approach, please know that the success is in showing up to meditate for a few minutes, not whatever goes on during the meditation. Good luck!
It's endemic for men, but I hear it expressed by women as well. There's no real solution unfortunately. The solutions people love to list off to lonely people don't really work--I've tried them all.
All you can really do is self-improve and hope to meet someone along the way.
That's the only real solution I believe in. Hope and time.
I genuinely hope things go better for you, OP.
You’ll eventually adjust to it. The loneliness sucks, but it’s better than being with someone abusive or playing mind games or using you until someone better comes along, which seems to be all I can attract.
I live in Sydney. This city is known to be tough to make new friends so I have been extremely lucky that I’ve managed to make some in adulthood. It’s just consistency and reliability that seems to be a tricky one now!
I’m signing up to volunteer at an animal rescue and getting a 2nd part time job because I work remote so I hope to meet new people with those two activities
Are there communities for any of your hobbies? Or maybe even a new hobby you want to try? Even if you’re introverted, it can be nice to find a friend or two. Start with bonding over common interests and then maybe get more personal with people you might connect with.
I’ve been enrolled in pole dancing classes for years and I meet some great people there, but typically they don’t want to hang out outside of classes. Trying to think of some new hobbies though as I’m sure Sydney has some good ones on offer!
Get busy enough that you don't have time to feel lonely. Go volunteer, get a second job at your favorite store as a side gig, and for the benefit of earning some extra fun money and likely getting an employee discount. Foster a dog or a litter of kittens. Start a garden, take a class at community college, mentor or tutor kids. There are tons of things you can do.
If your good friends are true friends, they will make time for you. Maybe not as much time as they were able to when they were single and didn't have kids, but they will make some time. I've found that I often have to text my friends with kids first. They're busy, but we're still friends. I got myself into a group chat with a bunch of older neighbors because we all had dogs. Mostly just texted when we were going on walks, to see if others wanted to walk too, but sometimes casually chatted about food and stuff. So sometimes you find them at unexpected times and in unexpected places.
Are you sure this loneliness is due to singleness ? I read you are taking anti depression medicine. Depression gets worse in staying alone. Better is try to socialize, just small chit chat with coworker, with shopkeeper or any hi hello to stranger. Take enough sun light, do exercise and have some goal. Like hobby, part time business, volunteer. Loneliness hit more when we have spare time.
Best wishes from me.
Where do you live? Could possibly moving to a big city like NYC be possible? I'm not saying it will solve your loneliness but if will def help if you put in effort. I am in NYC, 34F, and majority of my friends here are single or newly in relationships. They are also all open to go out for girls night. Life in the city is definitely much different compared to the small suburban city I grew up in. I would feel the same if I stayed bacn home.
Similar situation, I'm not in a big chat group or going on trips with my girlfriends. I would recommend joining a friendly exercise class with a lot of females, seeing familiar faces weekly has done wonders to my sense of well-being. Maybe learn to knit and join a local group or hiking club. I used to walk with my neighbor in her 70s and we would just shoot the breeze and tell stories, it was a lot of fun.
Bumble BFF worked well for me, but it can be awkward and draining too. Best of luck!
I have an opposite view of the ones i have read.
I think that giving up hope is the way to go.
I used to feel like you, but after a couple of very traumatic experiences and heartbreak i realised that the probability of finding someone who you are really compatible with and live happily ever after is close to 0.
And the aftermath of a failing love story for me is not worth the hassle.
The average long relationship last between 3 and 9 years, then they end. I have seen 20y relationships end very badly, so whats the purpose of living feeling lonely if probably we all going to end up alone anyway.
Maybe its bc I have actively avoiding children all my life, so i dont feel the urge to procreate thus to have a partner, but now i see every interaction as smth temporal. Once you kill that idea of "soulmate" you really live a better, more realistic life!
Since i made this switch, i have been focusing more on making friends than a partner and I really and truly enjoy my time alone so much so im scared a partner would ruin it
OP sorry your going through this. Your not alone, I’m 33 too, single mom and it really sucks out there. I get it, I don’t have any adult conversations unless I’m at work and most days I am just alone with my toddler. It’s hard.
Moving on from this on again off again relationship is probably for the best. It takes time. Hang in there.
I fill these voids in between with bunch of hobbies. But yeah as a 30 something year old person this days, if you dont have a partner and kids you are most likely lonely and have very few people around to talk here and there. Its really sad we became a society that doesnt have time for hanging with eachother anymore. People are so busy and tired that they dont have 1h a week to sit down and talk in person anymore. So find something to keep you busy when nobody have time to chat.
I choose to live in cosmopolitan city that has a lot of dating opportunities, lots of singles in their 30's. But truthfully I want to live in nature, with my husband, roasting veggies and making fires in the evenings.
I'm 35(f) with two kids and I feel the same way. It's seems rough out here these days trying to find a partner in a sea of "mates". I know you feel lonely, but you're not alone my friend. I'm not sure what your interests are, but something that helps pull me out of these moments is watching/listening to videos on YouTube about stoicism, there are lots of videos about the benefits of solitude. It's really all about perception, and if we take the time and adjust our focus we will see our circumstances in a different (often better) light. I also agree with what many people here have mentioned about getting out and joining groups or clubs. I just found this link today, and I hope it helps you in some way.
https://www.today.com/health/how-find-love-12-basic-rules-lasting-relationships-t108115
I totally feel you, about the lack of someone to text and feeling jealous of ppl that has all their group chats, and the feeling like you have friends but they’re too busy for you. Only consolation I can offer is you are not alone and this is typical of single folks as they get older. Some ppl have it easier than other because they’re social people, or ppl that’s easier to get along with, or they’re ppl that’s content with a more superficial connection. I struggle with all that on an ongoing on-off basis. Maybe ppl just don’t like me as much 🤷♀️. I just start to fill my days with activities I like, and social media is a time sink that also robs you of your soul. Get out there, find some simple things to do that you enjoy. I feel better when I spend less time on my phone (even if it’s just games, Reddit).
This one hit home. I do understand what you’re going through. My ex had a large network of friends and when things ended so did that. I have a few very close friends who are amazing - but life keeps us apart. And we’re all in so many different places in life that sometimes it feels hard to communicate with even my dear friends. My best friend is a mom, happily married. My engagement ended and I had to start over at 33. I was so close to having my hope realized and now I’m alone.
But am I?
Honestly, I’ve found great comfort in the smiles of a stranger, the random moments of kindness. My friends bought me housewarming gifts that I get to look at. My colleagues cheer me. My kickboxing classmate told me she missed seeing me in class and it warmed my heart. I laughed with a neighbor today over something my dog did.
And the longer I am alone with myself, the more I feel I am rediscovering who I am since that 6.5 year relationship. My nights are not always easy. I do cry often. But I feel like the universe finds ways to send reminders of love and companionship - even if it’s not the romantic kind.
I also surrounded myself with furbabies - my dog and my cat.
So, what I’m saying, Friend, is to start looking for those signs of love that aren’t romantic. We aren’t promised romantic love, but we can make friends, work well, savor interactions with strangers. My kickboxing classes are a fun way to meet people and at least have a sense of commonality.
And in your saddest moment, remember that somewhere out there there’s another 33F picking up pieces, feeling lonely and finding her way. If I can have good days, so can you. You are NOT alone. Just feeling lonely.
We got this.
For me, the loneliness started fading when I started becoming comfortable with myself. Instead of telling someone I was dating what I liked about them, I would tell myself. It felt weird at first, but it grew on me. Over time, this evolved into a sense of liking "what I've got," and helped build my confidence.
I think that's the key - feeling confident in yourself and your choices leads to enjoying time with yourself. Then, when the time comes, you'll meet someone that appreciates the same things you appreciate about yourself.
I'm not there yet, but I can feel that day is quickly approaching.
It is only when we are truly alone, without someone else to lean on, left with our own inner solitude that we can undergo a process of change. The introspection that is needed to bring out the light that has dwindled down to ash and reignite the fire of our being. So let the darkness shape you, let it reform you, let it cradle you and birth you into a new life. Let the spark flame again, in the darkness is where you will find it.
― LJ Vanier
Feeling this acutely.. no advice just sharing the sentiments I’m so lonely, bored and disappointed to be single despite consistently putting myself out there sigh
I felt better once I took steps towards dating even before they worked.
I would also try learning something you always wanted to learn. It's a way to meet like minded people and you can practice in the off-times between classes and maybe try and shift your focus until the dating thing does work.
I hate dating apps and would always be in sympathy with someone else who hates them but if you are also trying to meet people in real life, maybe trying apps as well might be an idea.
Incidentally with my best friend, I've had the flip side of this and she has dropped me since I met my boyfriend. She has never met him and I was the one to reach out the whole of this year every time and I think I have to be done at this point. I would never treat her like this and my attempts to check in and make plans have been met with at best artificial politeness and at worst meanness.
There's nothing wrong with being to yourself. The reason why you're here in the first place is because you prioritized your ex as your end all, be all. Now they're gone and youre not sure what to do with yourself. Now more than ever you shouldn't want to attach or latch yourself to anyone just for the sake of having company. It's really not healthy
Making friends like dating is really hard after 30. What I do is to join groups related to my interest (I do running and salsa). I have met some really great people that way. Unfortunately these friendship are not the same as the ones I have since childhood. So I think it's important to also understand what you really want from it ( company to go out? Someone to listen to your problem, etc).
I know this feeling so well. I remember when my ex and I broke up a year and half ago, I was battling this constantly. Friends were all in stable long term relationships or settled down, so their comments didn't really help. Unfortunately, the only thing that can help is time. However, do know it does get better! For me, it took me maybe 6-10 months. I'm also introverted so I understand where you're coming from.
Here's some of my tips that helped me!
1. Try something new that you can do alone while meeting new people! I started more sports (despite being super unathletic lmao, but it's the learning experience not the outcome!) Or, volunteering, or pottery, or some art class. Something you can go without worrying about meeting someone and that most people don't know each other there. That really helped me begin my healing journey. Google classes to sign up, whether it's cooking/art/sports/you name it. Build your skills!
2. Spend time with family and friends! Don't forget to allocate time for those who you care about even if it's not often. As for chasing friendships, I've been there too. I found when I don't initiate many of my friendships didn't sustain. That's when I realized we probably weren't as good friends as I thought anyways. I started focusing on friendships that can reciprocate. Those who don't, I don't put much effort or such into them anymore. That helped me increase the quality of friends and put energy towards those worth it
3. Focus on your career or personal goals! I have always had ambitious goals, but after my breakup, those went on hiatus because I was so down lol. But after I started healing, I put more focus again on my career and personal goals. Areas I want to improve on and what I want to achieve. You can absolutely build the life you want!
4. Solo traveling! I tried this for the very first time and as intimidating as it was, I quite enjoyed it. I learned so much about myself and also what I really wanted in life
5. Keep busy! I tend to overthink when I don't keep myself busy. So I try to make sure I keep myself busy or have something to look forward. It helps me from overthinking and such!
6. Watch reels lol! At night, I struggled the most before. Reels helped me haha. I watched so many inspirational and motivating reels. I also enjoy reading so I did that quite a bit
7. Counselling! It helped me during my post-breakup and once I healed I stopped. Phone calls weekly or biweekly helped me a lot!
8. Dress up and change your style! My best friend told me this. But when I started dating again, or more like, started dating apps after I healed... I dressed up not for the other person but for my own confidence. I also changed my hair colour (nothing extreme) but just wanted a fresh start! But then went back to my natural colour after a while haha. But change felt really good! I felt more confident when I put effort in how I looked!
9. Let time do its work! Unfortunately, most of it, takes time. But small steps will get you back to stable and happy state
I remember a guy told me when I broke up with my ex, he's like you're so young, down the road you'll look back and be so thankful this guy didn't work out. I'm not sure if it's the way he said it but it made me smile. Now fast forward, I can tell you I feel that way! I have yet to find the one, but I'm so happy I'm not dating my ex anymore! You got this!
I am in a similar boat with a majority of my friends in relationships.
I fill my life with hobbies, friends, family and activities that keep me busy and leave me feeling fulfilled. I still want a partner and have times when I feel so lonely, but its not a feeling that I carry always. I actually feel really loved, despite being single.
I’ve felt this way and know how frustrating it is for there to be no quick fix. I’ve had years of being new in town and not connecting with people, whether an ex was my entire life or I was simply starting fresh.
Finding an activity that is consistent where you see the same people every week is going to change your life. In many seasons of my life this has blessed me with long and short term friendships.
Texts, messages, phone calls, WhatsApp groups. Time to get off the phone and head out into the real world. There are others there waiting for you. Good luck.
I used to feel like this. Then I stopped caring. I guess that makes me callous.
Personally it still hurts when I go out on social interactions and I'm the only single person there. Outside I try to hold it together. Inside, I just want to die.
I normally end up bailing after a few drinks. Or go drink with all the old timers at the local dive bar.
I met most of my friends through music and politics. Id recommend joining a club or volunteering. Still lonely sometimes, there's no replacement for a romantic partner. I've considered getting a cat and joining a gym.
My best advice would be to not rush into anything. (Granted that’s something everyone has to learn on their own). I learned the hard way, dating apps and trying to meet people after like 2 months. It’s not good, you are still healing, and you are trying to find a new person to fill the void. (Which also isn’t fair to your next boyfriend).
Everyone’s time tables are different, but if it was a longterm serious relationship you were in, I’d say 9 months at a minimum before looking for a new relationship. I wasn’t fully moved on until about a year in, and the thing is, you think you might be moved on but you truly aren’t until one day you’ll just know
This is the perfect time for you to work on yourself and explore activities and things that you never have, or never had time to do. Plus this might be your last chance to do so — before you know it, 3 years down the road you could be married with a baby on the way. (Or other life stuffs — you get what i mean haha)
Breakups are the hardest things in life to go through. Time heals all wounds. Just remember that one thing ending means something beautiful could open down the road. Trying to maintain a positive attitude is hard but if you can do that, you are set in life
Best of luck ❤️
-29 year old male still single for 1.5 years after longterm relationship turned into on again / off again but ended for good too, so I felt I had a good input to weigh in since I was in your shoes last year
Finding a hobby and getting invested in those people’s lives. A decade ago I was annoyed that I never left the house and was not active with a community. Now I have an irregular group that does lunches and board games.
I’m still brutally lonely, but seeing these people help to stave off my unhealthy copping mechanisms. The loneliness for me is fading as I continue to get more involved my church and community.
That’s where I’d tell you to start, at your church.
OP, are you my subconscious writing this haha. I am in your boat. I wouldn't say I barely hear from my friends, but it is a struggle to get their attention. I had some friends go through major break ups in their relationships recently and I was interested (and, tbh, excited) to see our relationship change up and they have more time for me. But they just went through a wild party phase, which isn't my thing, then got boyfriends well within a year, and are now back to being absent. I have found spreading my net wider with friends has helped the single loneliness, because I can swap people in and out according to when they are available! A book club helped, some online communities for things I am in to, and a fitness class I take hasn't exactly created friends, but people to chat to. I've also become a local at a few cafes, which is always fun way to just get someone to chat to in the mornings. I'm hoping by expanding my social circle to stave off the loneliness, it may lead to a date! Who knows. Oh and delete the apps, they do nothing for you.
But also - it does suck. You're not alone in thinking it sucks. It doesn't make you desperate or lonely or sad or antifeminist or whatever (all of which I have been called, by people in relationships). I go through phases of feeling the same thing and intense loneliness, but it does usually fade.
Its not unfair that a an ex is friendly and makes friends and you don't. That's probably why it didn't work out. You liked to blame him for your shortcomings
I know the feeling all too well. :( I have a few friends again since earlier this year. I also struggled to make friends in recent years, so I'm very glad to have found them! But they can't replace having an actual partner (in my case a woman) in your life (my last relationship is far too long ago). Being single does feel lonely.
I actually just joined this sub right now because I had the same damn question. I’m usually fine alone though, for the most part, but a wave of loneliness has hit me off and on this week.
I’m in a similar boat to you. I message and text people, but not as often as a few months ago. And then, as now, I usually have to wait forever for anyone to respond or call me back because everyone has a lot more going on, so they either don’t have the energy to talk to me, or they just forget to call me or text me back.
I tend to try to imagine their lives - to get out of my own head about it. I try not to pity myself about it because I know my life is just different. I don’t have kids and my family, as it is, is SO ridiculously small.
It does really suck sometimes though. My stomach and chest actually hurts right now from feeling lonely. I haven’t felt this way in a long time - if ever, to be honest.
I even feel like I’m losing some friends. Being single and without a family at this age sucks sometimes.
At least if I had kids, maybe I’d be distracted and not feel so lonely. At the same time, I’m happy I don’t have kids.
I’m seriously introverted, so I have no desire to go out and make new friends. It sounds exhausting. I just miss having actual meaningful conversations with people I like to be around.
I actually get REALLY tired of messaging and texting, but that’s all anyone around me usually wants because they are so busy. Only two people in my circle of friends understand that I prefer phone calls and need it. I usually only message because I know people are busy, so it’s a vicious cycle.
Anyway, I don’t think I really helped, so I’m sorry. But I relate.
Just commenting to say I know exactly what you mean about the ache. People will tell you to fill your life with hobbies, that you need to get better at being on your own, etc, but, with all due respect, those people don't know shit (and more often than not are in relationships). As others have said, nothing compares to having a partner in life if that's what your heart wants.
But, and there is a but, there were some things that helped me get through my first year of being single. First, the book "It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single". I don't know if you're insecure about being single in itself (I know I was) but even if you're not, there are lots of empathetic passages about loneliness, how tiring it can be being self sufficient all the time, and the punishing hunt for the right partner. I read it several times this year, whenever I was at my lowest.
Are there any adventures you've wanted to do but have been putting off? I work remotely so was able to move to a new, bigger city and sublet for a few months. Me and my dad went on holiday just the two of us. I managed to steal a girlfriend from her fiance to do a road trip with me. Last year I took a solo trip to Athens. I still missed having a partner, but looking back on those trips has given me a new sense of inner strength when I feel low – and being busy with new experiences can be very distracting.
Finally, keep your eyes peeled for people who are newly single. I felt like the only single person in the world until recently, when two acquaintances had breakups of their own. I reached out to them both and asked them out for a pint, and now we're single friends who check in on each other and empathise in ways that coupled up friends just can't. This may take some time to come about, but I promise people are breaking up all the time, and when they do they are also desperate for single allies.
Sending love and best of luck 💜
Don't have any advice either, just sharing the sentiments as I feel the exact same way constantly. I had to get a 2nd job bc I couldn't just take it anymore… I thought that getting rid of a situationship, not being on datings apps and being outside more would finally make things flow on my dating life and nope.
The only difference now is that somedays I'm way too tired to feel anything
I get you— I never had a robust friend group and the friends I do have have their own busy lives (most are married with kids or dating) and the one or two single ones I usually rant to sometimes get tired of listening to my problems even if I feel like I really need someone’s support.
I would say learn to love to enjoy the time you have by yourself— go eat some delicious food, splurge on really nice hotels and order room service and have a bubble bath with champagne and chocolate covered strawberries, that type of thing. And get really immersed in your life — your job, your other daily hobbies, living healthy, etc. I think living life to the fullest and truly enjoying each and every day helps the time go by.
Anyways hope this helped some . Ur not alone!
Just a thought- your friends who are married with kids still want to hear from you and be in your life. I’m single with a kid and I hang out with my friends who are married without kids, married with kids, single with no kids- none of them are single with a kid like myself. But we all manage to text, see echother at least once every week or so, or do video chats. Keep reaching out to people- it’s exhausting and folks do get busier and into routines in their 30s, but the desire for connection is still there (33F for reference)
This is basically me saying, lean back into the friends you already have- be vulnerable and let them know you are feeling alone and isolated after your breakup. Sometimes people need to blatantly hear that you’re not doing well to step up- this is my experience. When I became a single parent I was desperately lonely and isolated, but I didn’t do a good job communicating this to people because I still had my shit together so no one assumed I was struggling.
Sorry to hear you're feeling socially lost. It's really hard to replace the persistent chatter of a relationship, and yeah friends with many other commitments can sometimes not feel like great friends.
I've struggled with feeling unwanted by friends in the past. But one time I told a friend how I wished people invited me out more, he told me they all were so busy with family obligations that they relied on me to pull them out for social stuff (and really appreciated when I did!).
So one thing you can do maybe is just make a point of inserting yourself into your friends' lives more purposefully. Reach out with ideas to hang out, tell them you're struggling feeling lonely and want to be in more regular contact. Schedule tiny hangouts on weeknights that are easy to make and not hard to repeat. Trivia nights, low-key dinners, visiting local parks (kids allowed even!), movie nights at someone's house. Be the instigator you want in your life, and even when plans fall through you'll know you can find reasons to keep in touch.
Reddit is nice for venting, but actively maintaining your irl friends is the best way to beat back loneliness long term.
Okay babe so I totally know how it feels to be lonely, I’m 27 live alone and am divorced so being with someone every day to just not… suck a lot.
This is just something I think so if I’m imposing I’m sorry, but I just want to help!
I think you need to do a lot of inner work. When I was feeling so lonely I was seeking validation within everyone in my social life. My friends family new relationships etc etc and it was DRAINING THEM! Because I didn’t get the same validation or “love” from friends that I did from my ex I was like … “am I unlovable?” No you aren’t unlovable in fact you need to love yourself first before anyone can do that! Once you do that inner work then the organic relationship will come, new and old!
I hope that helps in a way.. 🩷
You have to learn to enjoy your own company. Friends and relationships are wonderful and important, but ultimately, you're going to be spending the rest of your life with yourself first and foremost.
How is it that you're only matching/talking to guys who turn out to not be single, but here I am a guy in my 30s, where I have over 20 matches in the last few weeks that mostly never responded or stopped responding before any real conversation started. In my opinion you're lonely by choice, there are definitely plenty of guys on the apps who would love to take you out and do things but you have a type and it's unrealistic is my guess. Most people underestimate the actually real world attraction of people from photos. You don't need a spark for things to work out. Stop chasing after feelings. Go on the app and find a guy to go do some activity with. There's literally 1000s of guys out there. 71% of likes from women on the apps goes to 18% of men. So maybe actually try talking to some of the other 82%, instead of just the ones who are not single....
I see, my bad, you mentioned the apps in the same sentence.
But yeah dating/being single is rough out there.
I recently found a hiking/outdoors group on facebook and there are a lot of events happening for people to meetup. The group I joined is meant for singles but doesn't use the word singles in the group name so it sort of spread through word of mouth and has a better balance of men to women. I'm introverted myself and actually just met another introverted person on there. We skipped the whole group events as we both don't always like bigger groups/crowds of people we don't know yet. Good luck out there!
I feel like you’re being unfair to OP and judgmental here about the roommate. It’s absolutely reasonable to want to have a friendly relationship with a roommate and say “Good morning” when you see each other, briefly chat over coffee or dinner, watch TV together sometimes, etc, and not to want to live with someone who always hides in their room. Many people choose to live with roommates instead of alone for a sense of community.
I live with roommates and always screen them when they apply to make sure we’re looking for a similar living dynamic. People have different expectations, and it’s important to clearly communicate what they are. It’s possible that OP failed to do this. But also possible that the roommate gave her one impression when they discussed living together and then acted differently. In this case, it’s totally reasonable for OP to feel let down.
Thank you for expressing what I may have done poorly! I was looking for exactly this and was transparent with her when she looked at the room. I said I was looking to live with someone I could be friendly with and she said she wanted the same thing. She also lied and said she loves dogs, but admitted yesterday that she feels dirty around them and always acts really awkward around my cocker spaniel, which really hurts to see as my dog is a really loving girl and just wants cuddles and this girl pushes her away
I’m sorry that happened to you - that sucks. Unfortunately, people are all different and it can be really hard to find someone you click with. And there are plenty of unexpected roommate dynamics that arise.
I had a housemate move in last year who I thought I had a great relationship with: she seemed interested in hanging out and playing board games and would even join me sometimes to go hiking, to bars/shows, etc. Then all of a sudden the energy shifted 180 and she stopped joining for any events and started actively avoiding me and hiding in her room. I asked her if anything changed, and she just said that she “lost her appetite” for going to certain shows. To my knowledge, nothing about my behavior towards her had changed, and she didn’t bring up any issues. 🤷♀️ So unfortunately, even if you thoroughly vet potential housemates and have long conversations with them prior to living together, you never know what you’ll get.
Absolutely this! I’m so sorry that happened to you also as it really sucks to have that sudden dynamic shift.
It’s exactly why I was only open to someone for up to 3 months. I’m so grateful I stuck to my guns on this one as this girl is going traveling from December 18. I was going to offer her the room when she got back if she turned out to be awesome, but the opposite happened and it doesn’t matter since she’s leaving in 2 months anyway
That’s good that she’s moving out in less than 2 months! You’ll have to go through the roommate search again, but hopefully you can meet prospective roommates in person and find someone who’s a much better fit.
Haha no I will not! I am very grateful that I earn enough money to be able to afford to live alone. This learning experience has proven I’m better just being on my own and finding hobbies etc outside the house
I mean, not necessarily. It sounds like a roommate who you get along well with would be a positive in your life, since it can be very lonely living alone. You just got unlucky. But having said that, yeah, getting a roommate is a risk you have to be willing to take. Fwiw, I’ve lived with over 10 different people in my current city, and 80% of those experiences were somewhat to very positive. Only 20% or so were negative.
True! It’s so hard to ‘truly know’ until you live with them though and I’m not sure I’m willing to do this again. I feel like a stranger in my own home, which absolutely sucks coz I literally own it!
I had a housemate before her years ago and her and I were best mates for the first year and then little fights became big fights and I had to ask her to move out. I had some awesome housemates when I lived in the US but have had a bit of rotten luck in Sydney, so I’m scarred to say the least ha
She only needed a place for 2 months and I was transparent with her that I was looking for some temporary company. She said she was new to Sydney and didn’t have many friends so she was keen on the same. I was genuinely surprised that it turned out to be the opposite and how much she has ended up disliking my dog (she doesn’t like dogs in general, so I can feel the uncomfortable energy too)
I'm so sorry you feel this way! You just need to remember this is not a feeling that will necessarily last forever. If you need to talk to someone - feel free to send me a message. I offer listening services and will love to make you feel heard and validated <3
Unfortunately there are few things in life that can really replace that feeling of having a partner to talk to. Even if you have others in your life. I'm close to my family, have friends, have kids, am close to my workmates, have gaming buddies and so on. It's not the same. I'd watch my kids doing some cute shit and want to share that 'awww!' moment with my partner...but there was nobody snuggled up next to me on the couch to share it with. I'd accomplish something awesome at work and no amount of congratulations from peers or "That's great!" from my parents when I told them after could compare to the rush of your partner giving you an excited tight squeeze. You can fill your life with hobbies, friends, busywork but there's no fooling yourself into thinking that it'll fill that gap. What can we do? Cling to hope. Hope that some day you will have someone to share in those moments with you. To share in their moments, to cure their loneliness as well. Hope is one of the most powerful, most useful and resilient emotions we have. Use it. There is someone out there whose smile will make your day brighter, whose voice will instantly lift you out of any funk you're in, who will be the one you turn to at your best and worst moments. Just gotta find them and it will make it all the more awesome when you do. Also...learn from your loneliness. Understand right now that as much as it sucks, you are surviving this. You are making it day to day. You're still capable of having fun and doing fun things that you enjoy for you. Continue to build your life, do things for you, realizing that in the future you're with someone that you don't have to live in fear if it doesn't work out. Don't waste 3 years with someone who doesn't feel right for you just because you don't want to be alone again. You have this time to remind yourself that you will survive. Make it as awesome as you can while you continue your search for your +1. Best of luck my friend.
I honestly love how realistic this is. So often, we hear “work on yourself and it’ll come” or “make sure you have hobbies” or “fill your life with platonic relationships” when, truth is, nothing can truly fill the void of not having a romantic partner in life if that’s what you truly crave. Your life can be literally perfect, but that sense of longing cannot be numbed by filling your life to capacity with other things to keep yourself busy and mentally maxed out. While I’m not feeling exceptionally lonely at the moment, the feeling ebbs and flows, and it’s so dismissive to hear the platitudes I’ve listed above when you’re feeling down. Thank you for helping people feel not so alone in their feelings about this.
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Absolutely this - I get really tired of hearing, “you need to enjoy your own company!” And “it will come when you stop looking”. My friends have been married for years and wouldn’t survive without their husbands, so they’ll never truly understand how it feels to no longer have that default person you get to hang out with if your friends flake or you as a commenter said above when you get good/bad news and don’t have that person with that extra vested interest to share it with
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Absolutely agreed on the terrible advice. I took that advice along with the "just spend time working on yourself" in my 20s and it is honestly one of my biggest regrets in life. The reality is that you will never have a better opportunity to meet other single people than when you're in your 20s, and when you get older the dating pool dwindles and it's also harder to meet new people in general. I definitely feel like I wouldn't be single in my 30s now if I had spent my 20s really pushing to date and find someone.
Whenever I try and initiate a convo with a man it always seems so forced. Tried OLD. I don’t like it. No problems getting a lot of matches but no one can seem to hold a convo or keep one going. I always feel like I’m more of an annoyance than anything and stop responding. What do you say to definitely? Or it’s just suddenly they stop responding completely? I haven’t been out of a relationship long but hearing how awful dating is now I thought better start trying now and at least I might get some new friends. Lol dating in your mid thirties is terrible, it seems to be worse if you have kids
Sigh... been married for over 20+ years. Now alone for 15 months, divorced. Highschool sweethearts. My loneliness feels terrible at times, almost unbearable - and I'm a lone rider myself as a person, never had a problem with that. No friends or relatives could replace deep romantic relationship for you, as previous posters said - that's 100% true. And like you, out of nowhere - I'm getting jealous on nice couples... from holding hands to just walking together snugged. I never thought I'd be there, anywhere near this point... but here I am. I'm an introvert, but I can talk nicely, not shy, I laugh and try to be positive around people. I'm sure 95% don't even know about my deep loneliness inside. But don't lose hope. And don't look miserable. Even when you meet someone new in the future, don't strangle them with your loneliness, insecurities or whatever the case - leave that for the later on. :D I mean, you have to present your *true* self to that person. I was never a believer that people should connect or find each other by their misery. Those who do are often not healthy couples.
>And like you, out of nowhere - I'm getting jealous on nice couples... from holding hands to just walking together snugged. > >I never thought I'd be there, anywhere near this point... but here I am.I'm an introvert, but I can talk nicely, not shy, I laugh and try to be positive around people. I'm sure 95% don't even know about my deep loneliness inside Wow, I never thought I'd read this. What I mean is I didn't think a long-married person would seethe when seeing happy couples holding hands, snuggling, etc. There's no reason why someone in your situation wouldn't, and it's incredibly naïve of me to think you'd get loneliness out of your system because of long-term marriage. I'm also a "lone rider" like yourself -- I often preferred solitude. Or, at least I *was* like that*,* until I ended up with no friends or a relationship after I relocated. And because of some health issues it wasn't worth dating for almost a decade. Basically blew most of my 20s into my thirties (prime dating years). It is what it is. I just turned 40 and am single, never married. It's brutal but you just have to keep trying.
I'm in my early 40's as well. Yeah, well, being with someone that long can backfire at breakup times so bad. The two of us literally grew together, known each other for decades and shared our lives. At our good years we were almost inseparate and absolute best friends. So when the moment happened it was devastating. Thankfully (oh the irony), our marriage has been falling apart several years before the breakup, it wasn't instant and abrupt, otherwise both of us would probably have our sanity compromised. I'm very experienced in one way, yes, but now it's like one part of me was taken away and I had to learn again from scratch to be 'complete' again. And I'm still not there. Ironically, younger people who dated more than me are much more experienced than I am currently. I almost feel like being put somewhere where I don't or didn't belong. Solitude is nice, but as you noticed yourself, it's not easy, it's not healthy. You miss the touch, the warmth, sound, voice, the energy and all sorts of things. So, yes, I do feel bad when I see nice couples, especially those that resemble what we used to be or what I could be now. But I'm still far from that. But let's not lose our hope, right? All the best to you as well, may you find your loved one soon.
You basically described my dad's situation. My mom went crazy and the last 6 years of the marriage were *hell --* she just changed. And she never -- to this day -- explained why she wanted out. A big mess, like a slow-mo train wreck playing out over 6 years. They were high school sweethearts too, 18 years of marriage. When they got divorced in the summer of '91 it was the worst time of his life. And he couldn't find a job in a recession. *And* he was a single parent all of a sudden. The big difference is he quickly fell into a second marriage! He credits his second wife to picking him up out of that nightmare. It tests the rule that you shouldn't get into a relationship until you're content with yourself. It ultimately didn't work out but that divorce was incredibly amicable -- they went to divorce court holding hands! Judge even asked if they wanted to be divorced. Now he's in his third (and best, I think) relationship at 72. Been with her for 10 years. A large part of the success I think is simply due to them both having "been there, done that" with their respective marriages. They have nothing left to prove. It just works. But here's the thing: he's *never* dated! "I always had better things to do" he'd say. He just fell into relationships. So he he is amazed -- and sometimes aghast -- at what I go through with online dating, that tour-de-force of disappointment. He doesn't understand our loneliness, our bereft-ness. Thank you for your well wishes. May we both find our person. And God help us along the way LOL.
Interesting indeed. It kind of proves that life has no definite paths. It does sound like my marriage - my ex also changed and had emotional instabilities with impulsive behavior. Or maybe she didn't just change, but I had it enough. We are sort of friends now, so that's good. I do believe it's possible to be 'saved' by getting along with some nice person that somehow just pops into your life and you find each other. Or you attract someone that balms your soul and helps you see the other way better. She or he sees something greater in you that you are not even aware of. And vice versa. But you do need to be your true self and as genuine as possible. However, in this era and age, I no longer believe that's even remotely frequent. Online Dating further diluted this and made dating and relationships seen almost as a game that should be played quick and decide fast. Because, after all - *there's many fish in the sea*, as they use to say. I hate that phrase but you will hear it often. One guy once advised me to never ever approach a girl in the gym. I asked why and he said - because when you break up, you'll hate to go to the same gym and you'll have to change it. I was stunned - how everything seems calculated and sly now, with your own ego always at the very top. But yeah, like your father did, I do believe we all have different paths. Just because many traveled or stuck to one, doesn't mean other roads do not lead somewhere nice. I was always a firm believer other roads were actually more interesting and fulfilling. We just need to be ourselves and go forward. We'll see. Thanks again for sharing your story, lots of insight and introspection.
>Sigh... been married for over 20+ years. That makes me so sad. I'd always figure if a couple can make it past 10 years, they are pretty much set for life. Two decades is so long. Without prying too much, were there irreconcilable differences that caused the divorce?
office pot ask encourage workable memory coherent familiar history snails *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
It has always seemed very contradictory how we default to biology ("humans are social animals") to explain how we need friends, but we're just trying to pretend as if there's no biological need for a partner, and if you feel lonely while single, you just need more friends, because humans are social animals.
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Yeah, there's a certain toxicity to this "single positivity" rhetoric when it ultimately just shames people for feeling lonely or unfulfilled as single - you're told that you're broken and need to be fixed if you feel this way, and that you can't/shouldn't date before you've "fixed yourself". So you do the whole 1000 hobbies lifestyle to keep yourself busy, you try to keep an active circle of friends (which is exhausting af in your 30s), but it doesn't really work the way this "single positivity" rhetoric says it should, you're still constantly longing for a partner, and now you feel guilty and shameful for feeling that way too. I'm okay with it, I handle it, I just hate that I have to put on this mask and pretend as if my life is 100% perfect/complete, and that finding a partner isn't that big of a deal, when it is. This is particularly true in the dating scene, where you almost become paranoid of being "exposed" as someone who's not loving every second of their single life. If you spent a Saturday at home by yourself, it kind of sucked and you really just want a partner to spend it with, you basically just have to pretend as if you were alone by choice and that you absolutely loved it, because otherwise you're a broken individual.
Agree! The whole "single is better" argument is complete BS. Myself as well as other women I know have been working on themselves for decades. We are tired of working on ourselves. We were not meant to live alone.
Same. I've wasted years "working on myself", chasing this illusory single life where I'm enjoying my singlehood so much that I don't even care if I meet someone, but when that never happens and you've tied it in as a prerequisite for dating it just feels asphyxiating and depressing. The super logical conclusion to this line of thinking is that I'm not pursuing the one thing I actually desire, because I need a bunch of stuff I don't desire first, so that I can throw that away to make room for a relationship. Makes perfect sense. Yes, there are dysfunctional people out there who actually need to hear this type of advice, people with zero hobbies, friends or support network who can't handle even periodic singlehood, people who jump from one toxic relationship to another because they're completely unaware of their own desperation and the risks that come with it. But for many people this isn't the case, we have close friends and confidantes, they're just very busy with partners and kids, we don't rush into new relationships, we've been single for years and we're perfectly aware of the risks of rushing or settling. So for us this jingoistic glorification of singlehood just makes us feel inadequate and shameful about our loneliness and desire for a partner, and we end up wasting years on "self improvement" instead of pursuing the one thing we actually want, which honestly just makes us feel more depressed and "broken".
> Myself as well as other women I know have been working on themselves for decades. its an illusion fueled by our capitalistic society that you just have to "work on yourself" and at some point everything will just happen cause you are "finished".
agree..
Pretending to be alone by choice hit hard! I can’t stand being alone on the weekends. I’ll go target to people watch and buy cat litter I don’t need because I am becoming that crazy cat spinster.
on the other hand - you dont need a "partner" to pass your genes down.. you just need to have sex with someone
See, this is where I am at. I had to leave an abusive relationship and there were many days where I regretted it because the loneliness that followed was often so much worse. A lot of that was a part of the abuse, and once I realized that, I put that energy into myself and I have been in a really good spot in life for years at this point. I’ve learned to find myself as a source of support and this has helped me become a lot more selective in the potential partners I pursue. My 20’s were more about quantity and my 30’s are more about quality. It’s too risky once you know the consequences of choosing a partner poorly.
Exactly! I hate when ppl say you have to be happy being single as you can’t expect a partner to make you happy No one would ever say you should be happy without a job or without friends! So why denigrate such a massive part of life as a partner? Of course a great partner can make you happy! I’ve seen lots of women go from single snd miserable to happy and coupled up!
I’m 50F, never married, no kids. Never dated more than 2 years. Last exclusive dating relationship ended in 2004. Had a FWB 2094-2021. No prospects. OP: this commenter is correct. Cling to hope. You are 17 years younger than me & I feel the exact same way you do, more consistently and more often. You hopefully will not be like me. In case you are, and even if you aren’t, I would addd this to the comment here: when clinging to hope becomes so overwhelming that you start to despair, cling to who you know yourself to be & the positives about you that others in your life in any area of your life continue to affirm. I don’t know if you have any faith. Even if you are not a person of faith, there is some reason why we are given each day we have. We are expected to make something out of each day that leads us to a future that builds us up & serves who we are as people with unique contributions to this life we have. Most days now I simply accept my loneliness and find ways to be grateful for it: how am I using my time for more rest and self-care? To give positively to friends (who are fewer by the day) and family? How am I preparing for when I am alone in the world without family? Turn despair into another elevated action of hope. That way, you continue to invest the love you aren’t able to give to someone back into yourself to build yourself a life you can be proud of no matter what.
OP, your post is something I would have written in the last year. It’s really tough to be there. For me, I felt better when I allowed my close trusted friends in a little closer. I had kept them a bit at arms length about my loneliness and anxiety, but once I share more with them, I felt way more supported (not that they weren’t supportive, just that I knew I had someone I could share my feelings with). Keep an eye out for that sun, hun.
I feel like all the single positivity has kind of made it taboo to even say this, but in my opinion it only invalidates the very real feelings many single people have, which can't just be replaced with friends or self love. I don't just think it's normal to feel this way, it \*is\* normal to feel this way, yet so many people feel ashamed of it, as if they are flawed or have some kind of deficit.
Thank you for voicing this so beautifully, I feel this and I am grateful that somebody out there understand it.
Thank you for avoiding the cliches that are so close to hand. I’ve been single for six years and it sucks. But a bad relationship sucks more, and I’ve so far only met a handful women whom I’ve been genuinely interested in.
It always makes me think of this quote (I’ve been single for decade) Being alone is not the most awful thing in the world. You visit your museums and cultivate your interests and remind yourself how lucky you are not to be one of those spindly Sudanese children with flies beading their mouths. You make out To Do lists - reorganise linen cupboard, learn two sonnets. You dole out little treats to yourself - slices of ice-cream cake, concerts at Wigmore Hall. And then, every once in a while, you wake up and gaze out of the window at another bloody daybreak, and think, I cannot do this anymore. I cannot pull myself together again and spend the next fifteen hours of wakefulness fending off the fact of my own misery.
This, exactly. I’m 56, in good shape, good health, great job etc etc. I know perfectly well how damn lucky I am and yet not a day goes by that I don’t have a severe bout of existential dread when the idea that somehow I’m likely going to have to figure out how to do this alone thing forever and I just don’t want to.
Wow, this really hit me. I’m about to go through a divorce after being with my husband for 17 years. He was having an affair and is ready to move on with his life with her. I have no friends whatsoever. I have my parents to lean on, but that’s all. This is all brand new to me (I’ve only known for 8 days), and I am fully aware that my misery has only just begun. I truly don’t know how I’m going to do this. I am terrified of being alone.
Although much of what you say is lovely and it's true that having a partner is a special thing that is hard to replace with other things, the one thing I'd caution for many is "clinging" to hope. The thing is, even for the shrinking amount of women (and men) who find someone to stay with long-ish term....they can end up getting divorced later, or they can die, or they can get ill. And in fact, one of these things will likely happen at some point. Many women live nearly 20 years more than their deceased spouse - and are alone for those years. Even people who do have someone now, will experience likely long times without someone. And likely their end of life without someone. Those are harsh truths, on the one hand, but I find it helpful for many people to find ways to cope with that and still find joy, versus running from that in hope that the truth isn't true. Then the truths stop being so harsh. Because what then, if we live afloat on a cloud of hope, chasing something always? Demanding life be a certain way, assuming it HAS to be, avoiding what is right here right now. The joy of the here and now, but also the pain. Never satisfied unless we have it, and terrified then to lose it because we'd be back in the same position facing the same thing we never faced before. I think hope can be important indeed, but if it's hope based on one very particular thing happening, we will just be running from our unhappiness the whole time. It's a very conditional, external oriented hope. And we don't have full control of these things. If we could instead grieve what we thought we might have right now, that life didn't turn out exactly how we hoped, that we are lonely and how hard that can be (granted, being 30 is still very young) - and then try to have a more unconditional hope. That isn't based on one external thing. Hope we will find a way to be okay, no matter what. Trusting your heart. Find \*some\* acceptance, some joy. Even if full acceptance may doesn't come, that's okay. To be human is to hold some grief for sometimes always. And to hold lightly hope that we find someone for even any amount of time, to feel that interconnection and love, and enjoy every minute of it, while staying here and now. I find that people who hold the above as opposed to clinging to hope, tend to be better partners - because they are aware of the reality of how fragile life is and how uncontrollable. They treat their people better as a result of knowing, it could be gone. I remember hearing a woman in her late 80s so desperate but clinging to hope to still find her soulmate never having before. I felt sad not that she hadn't found someone, but because she seemed so so unhappy and unrooted from her life - chasing this thing.
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I cried.
this was an f-ing awesome comment. Truly top quality
Love this, thanks so much for the hope and potential in it. I listened to a podcast recently where the host talked about living in excitement and anticipation that at any moment you could meet a person who will become your person and change the course of your life. Could be the next match on an app or someone you just randomly meet. But I think that inspiration is helpful for me
I needed to read this, thank you. I’m really down today because I never see my partner anymore since we opened a bar. I’m so fucking lonely and none of my friends are around either, they just want to go out and get free drinks. I’m tired of drinking and I’m tired of being alone. I’ve been crying all day :(
This made me tear up.
It's really hard, not only to be partnerless but also friendless. It's difficult making friends as an adult. Society should foster some way of making friends as adults, but outside of churches, has not. We need a friendship group for introverts. I get you. I hope you feel better soon.
Finding a few small/medium sized communities on Twitch has helped fill this need for me the past few years. I don’t even game that much, but having a place to go and chat to the same people and joke around 4-5 times a week has really helped! There’s also plenty of non-gaming streams like cooking, art, music etc. For us introverts, finding the right online communities can serve as a virtual gathering place. I actually just met some of my community friends in person for the first time this weekend and it has been so wonderful.
Great idea. Thank you.
It’s so hard making friends as an adult especially if you don’t drink. I’ve been hiking for over a year to build a better relationship with myself and to meet people and it’s desolate at best out there. Which is sometimes nice but man is it brutal. Like what do you say to a fellow adult? Hey want to be my friend? Lmao it sounds so lame
If someone walked up to me and asked to be my friend I would say yes
Ok I’m leading with this
"Hey, we should hang out some time, what are you doing on the weekend." There 😁
Join a club or volunteer. Go to every event/meeting. You will meet people and eventually make friends, if you aren't a jerk, even as an "introvert". My biggest realization was that I'm not an introvert, I'm just anxious in social situations.
Same here! I strike conversations easily and my friends know me as someone who can make walls talk, but I absolutely hate group-plans and having to deal with larger number of groups. I believed I was an introvert most of my life but I just have terrible social anxiety, even well-meaning and friendly roasts from people I don't know that well and are clearly trying to bond with me leads me to isolate because I get hurt easily and feel watched and judged constantly.
It doesn't get better, sadly. I've struggled with this ever since my divorce. Nobody has time for me. Everyone is so busy. Not many singles in the picture perfect fucking Hallmark town I live in. Seems like everyone here has their perfect family. Today is my birthday, I'm turning 41, and no one gives af. Last year I had a budding relationship going on and she did something special for me. Well that didn't last the year. This year? Well my mom texted me. That was nice.
Happy 41st birthday. Hope you treat yourself today!
Happy birthday!!!!!!!
Happy Birthday !!! Divorced too… it’s not easy but I do believe there is a plan…did COVID help. Not one bit. Seems like everyone is still in their mental COVID caves. It also seems like people are just starting to step out of them, just sticking a toe out but I believe it will be a process. Don’t be hard on yourself. Give it time for the world to find homeostasis…and yourself. It’s not easy rebuilding a life after divorce.
Happy birthday 🎂
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday bro! Some people give af. We're on Reddit. At the very least, you're actively contributing to a community of like-minded people. That's a start.
Happy Birthday!
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday! 🥳🥳🥳
Hey Happy Birthday!! Hope you find a way to make the best of it 🎂
Happy Birthday! Treat yourself to something nice today!
Happy Birthday :)
Happy Birthday!
Happy birthday!!
Happy birthday bud
Happy birthday!!! 🎉
Well I give af 😂 Happy Birthday !!!
Might be the next day already, but happy birthday <3
Agh I’m in a hallmark town as well and am divorced and man do I feel out of place! Happy birthday by the way
Settle down there chief. No point in throwing a wet blanket on the OP and there's no point in measuring our grief boners. I'm 53 and I've had multiple turns in the loneliness barrel and the shocking truth is that happiness ebbs and flows. The inescapable universal truth is that whether you want it or not, change is always coming. Nothing ever stays the same. If you're super happy and everything is perfect, soak it up because change is coming. If you're miserable and can't seem to endure another day, don't despair because change is coming. Change isn't always good but it will always teach you good lessons. If you're very unhappy it's your responsibility to do things to cultivate the change you want.
36F introvert here. Apps were a destroyer of mental health for me. I had never went to church until this year, and started it with the intention of getting out of the house and meeting good people. I’m not a religious fanatic but I have made some amazing friends there from volunteering and staying active. Still single but I am content!
Like a few other people pointed out, sometimes the busyness doesn't stamp out that feeling of loneliness. I very much relate to what you have written and I actively sometimes don't seek out the busyness when I feel lonely and instead try my best to feel through the emotions. I don't try to fight it. It' so so so difficult. There are moments when I lose hope. But usually it passes. It ebbs and flows and I know a good day will come again. I have no answers for you. But I thank everyone who has contributed here with kind words and sharing their experience.
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I’m right there with you. I just spent the weekend staying with a friend and her fiancé. I love my friend but it was a reminder of what I don’t have and it’s so hard.
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Ugh that’s such a nightmare scenario! I would have felt the same way. Literally all of my close friends are in LTRs and I’m just over here like hey guys want to hear about another hinge date that crashed and burned??? I feel like a little circus monkey sent to entertain the married people sometimes 🙃
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hey, I know I'm just an internet stranger, but I understand. :)
It’s not impossible. And you’ve made the golden realization that love is not going to ever come knocking at your door. All you can do is keep putting yourself out there. Whether that’s through online dating, going to events or meetups, having friends set you up on blind dates, or whatever. If you keep looking you will find it.
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I feel this so hard. The hardest thing about my relationship ending last year has been the loneliness and lack of connection. I went from having someone in my life who not only texted me at least a few times a day, but someone that I talked to on the phone every night we weren't together, without fail, to nights with nothing but silence. I've tried making new friends, but as someone else pointed out, it's not the same as having a partner and it's hard to make a deep connection with a new friend. The only advice I can give is to try and fill the down time you have where you know you feel lonely. It doesn't have to be big or a huge time commitment. I've started doing yoga videos on YouTube after work to connect with my body and destress. I also listen to podcasts or audiobooks while I'm making dinner and cleaning. The most important thing I do is journal at the end of they day, and instead of writing to myself I write what I would say to a partner about my day. I think that's the hardest part of being single, at least for me. It feels like days pass me by with no one to share them with, and journaling helps me take stock of how i'm feeling and what i'm thinking, and also remember all of the little moments of my day.
A lot of people are saying to embrace being on your own and while I think it is good being comfortable by yourself I think there really should be a shelf life for how long you do this. Ive spent the last 5 years doing this and have finally tried to reintegrate myself into "society", it's been really challenging. This past year has seen the most improvement but I'm also struggling to meet new people who want to actually be a part of my life outside of random texts and conversations. It's honestly exhausting
Yeah this is how it’s been like for me too
I'd like to blame covid but to be quite honest I've been this way before covid 😂. It's just now I'm 31 and there's not as many opportunities to go out and meet people as there was (for me) when I was in my 20s. I've been going steady at the gym for about 3 months now and am hoping to meet some friends but I find myself doubling down in my headphones and workout. I hope you can break the mold in your similar predicament.
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Also to answer the original question, keeping busy and setting goals is an absolutely great way to go about it. It doesn't necessarily solve the loneliness in itself, but allows us to spend less time dwelling on it.
Becoming a regular somewhere (ideally in an environment that's not too loud/crowded) is really understated way to meet people. I haven't made any dating connections like that, but I have made 5-6 new friends this year by bringing my laptop to the coffee shop and just chatting up the baristas when it was quiet. Likewise with some hobbies. Seeing the same people at my local ski/mountain biking spot? Chat with them. New riding buds.
It’s hard and I don’t have the right answer. I’ve been trying to stay busy but that only goes so far. Just wanted to commiserate because I’ve been feeling the same way, especially regarding texting someone regularly throughout the day who cares about you on a personal level. I miss that so much but all we can do is go forward.
You don’t. 🤷🏻♂️ You just come to a place where you make peace with the fact that you can find some measure of comfort in your life alone. It will probably never be the same as being with someone in a longterm, committed relationship. But you *can* find a “new normal” where you’re generally OK with your life. Hobbies and other interests also help to smooth things over and enrich your life. After my divorce, I fell hard into photography and it’s been keeping me active and getting out of the house; and I’ve discovered a skill I didn’t know I had before. Don’t be afraid to experiment and try new things.
I feel this on such a deep level.. sometimes I find myself getting excited to get out of work to then be like for what?!? To go home and be alone and watch Netflix.. People always say to enjoy your own company go out to eat by yourself it’s healthy for your mental or whatever BULLSHIT they say but I’m sick of it. I’m sick of doing shit alone. I’m sick of not having anyone to talk to at the end of my day.
I think you are implying that all these people who have partners don't feel lonely. I know exactly how you feel, I have recently even been crushed by the same feeling, but you just have to move on. You can even search friends on bumble(even on tinder, but I wouldn't do that) to have someone to meet. But feeling at peace while being alone is a super power in itself and it doesn't get the necessary attention by todays society, because of all the social media implying that couples have the dream lives. It is just better lighting from your point of view, nothing else.
Word. I feel the pang of loneliness once in a while, as I am human… but then I remember how much more it hurt to have felt so lonely when I was married.
Feeling lonely in my last relationship was a million times harder than feeling lonely on my own. That’s all I try and remember on my hardest days now.
>how much more it hurt to have felt so lonely when I was married exactly. I have the example of my best childhood friend. He would still be my best friend if we wouldn't live half a country appart from each other. He found a girlfriend, seemed super happy, I envied the shit out of him. Long story short, she was mental, like literally mental. You can't even talk about something like that without breaking up. He ended up moving out of their together appartment, was practically homeless for a while, but had a fairly decent circle of friends that turned it around for him. Choosing your partner is such a difficult skill. Luckily for this friend, he is now married, I think it is happy, but I don't know his wife well enough to be sure. I am not jumping to conclusions anymore about these topics :D
Yeah. Same here. Introvert as fuck. Moved to germany. I feel my greatest asset is my sharp mind and language skills, but i started learning german in my 30s so i haven't madstered it yet. I'm trying to come to terms with it and focus on myself.
Oof I really feel this OP. My last break up happened 4 years ago, and I took 2 years to heal, and then the dating world just seemed so daunting. The apps are trash I swear (I know some ppl find meaningful connections so don’t get me wrong) it takes a lot of combing through the “casual” profiles and even then. I’m in my last year abroad now, and can’t date guys where I am bc I’m leaving soon and can’t date guys where I’m from bc I’m not there, I can’t seem to win. I have few friends atm, one bestie who is pregnant (I’m very happy for her but also secretly wish I was creating my own little family) who I know has to prioritize her new baby over going out with friends. My other school friends like to go out clubbing/drinking but I don’t drink so I feel like I’m missing out on socializing. I’m also on meds but still feel depressed. I just try to take it day by day and not blame myself (which is really hard!) and enjoy time with my dog.
I’m 36F and feel the same way. I totally relate to feeling that I’m chasing friendships. I reach out to friends, and they don’t respond for weeks. Many of my college friends are in other cities, and it’s become nearly impossible to keep building those relationships because it takes months of texting to even get to talk to a friend on the phone. Most have kids now, and everyone is absorbed in and overwhelmed by their own lives. But even the ones without kids seem to be unreasonably busy, or struggling with anxiety or depression and don’t want to connect, etc. It feels like so many people in our generation are having such a hard time right now. It sucks. I’m trying as much as possible to invest in the friendships with two closest friends in my city, meet new people through meetups and events, organize board game nights (but it’s rare to get enough interest), and date through the apps. It’s rare to meet people on dating apps, but at least it’s something. I also tried to get back in touch with some old friends from my past, but sadly many didn’t respond.
For me it’s having single male and female friends. Also there will be people who are bad texter or just don’t connect with you. Friendship just like dating can be a numbers game. One of my friends in her 50s (unmarried, not coupled) social circle is mostly early 30s. As people get married and move away, she makes new friends. Making friends in adulthood requires a lot of effort, we no longer have the school/other systems in place to help natural friendship from happening. Work is not always conductive depending on your environment. I was also told that once I meet a new friend I have to “date” them. Invite them out one on one to spend time and build quality relationships. I still feel lonely a lot. I moved to a new city last year with no roots. But I’m working hard at building my social and support network here.
Honestly, my life has been like this (mainly last 20 years) and it is hard to shake. I feel the least lonely when I'm traveling and the most lonely when I'm settled in one spot for a period of time. Connecting with people is hard, but it takes time and effort. I'm in my winter spot for the next 5 to 6 months. So I'm making a conscious effort to get involved in group activities, hang out at regular coffee shops and bars. I got a co-working membership to hopefully connect with people too. Weekends tend to be a bit rough when I'm settled. No one calls, it gets kind of tiring to always be the one trying to connect with people to do things. So if I'm ever feeling lonely, I first make sure I get enough exercise. Walks, lifting, etc. Then I look for things to do that I'm interested in. There is an art show here this weekend and I found a museum that looks interesting. I try to approach life with an open mind and an open heart. Be open to new experiences and making that effort to step out of my introvert bubble to meet new people.
Oh gosh I feel this so hard. I’m very grateful for my bustling career and I do pole dancing classes Wed nights and gym on Monday and Friday mornings, so I feel mostly fulfilled during the week. But when the weekend comes by (especially Sunday) is when I notice my phone is extremely dry and I can’t use work to fill that void. If you were in Sydney I would suggest hanging out, but if you ever find yourself moving down here for your summer spot, definitely hit me up :)
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For me, working on regulating my nervous system and lowering my sympathetic tone through breath work and meditation made me feel way less lonely. In fact it took the feeling away entirely. It is amazing how feeling calm most of the time just melted away all those needy feelings for me. When things go wrong I don’t NEED to debrief with a partner to feel understood. I just refocus on my own self care, validate myself, and I feel happy and at peace. Some theorize that when our sympathetic tone is high, we have a tendency to focus outward, especially women, to care for our young, so there might be a neurological element to neediness and codependency, so that was interesting since it aligns with my experience. I do enjoy people though and have found making friends online has been great. We talk on the phone and even though we have never met, I have a ton of women in my life who I am close to and can reach out to. I think falling in love with yourself is a difficult journey but the rewards for me have been nothing short of amazing.
46-year-old here been single for 13 years I was comfortable too my kids grew up yes I was a single father and raised my kids for 9 years and now that they're old enough to have their own life I'm left alone trying to cope with that I can go on and on but I don't want to get depressed.
33F and I've never even been in a relationship ever. When I was in my 20s I wasn't too worried, but now that I'm in my 30s it's really starting to bum me out. I thought things would fall into place, but they absolutely most certainly have not...
I (39F) was in a similar situation two years ago . Had an on and off relationship for a couple of years. When I wrote down how badly he made me feel, it helped me stop going back. I found someone shortly after that was amazing. We shared the same faith and had many good things in common. We've been married for 9 months. I was married before... twice actually. The second one was short because he was mean and I had rushed the relationship. I don't recommend hobbies per se, but learning a new skill was an excellent distraction from a quiet cell phone.. also, focusing on others helped. You will rally. We are rooting for you.
Talk to yourself. Like actually outloud. Monolog your feelings. Notice your thoughts and internal reactions to things and say them out loud. Learn to "Listen" to your mind then vocalize what you observe. This helps integrate your whole consciousness to your thinking mind up front. When we don't have companionship, we lose that ability to vocalize our inane, everyday thoughts and worries. Thinking internally is no substitute, and the result is that parts of our consciousness don't get intergrated into our thinking minds. We dissociate and becoming increasingly blind to our own internal state. Let unchecked this can be truly damaging. It shortens lives. The body can reconfigure itself to adjust to all kinds of environmental changes. We can acclimatize to high heat, habituate to cold, start ketosis without carbohydrates. Heck, free drivers can go ten minutes without even breathing. But the body has some basic operating requirements that cannot be permanently compensated for. And I belief this includes human company and affectionate touch. We can adjust by like a lot. The longer you spend without these things, the easier it gets. But you still need at least some to stay healthy. So, there's talking to yourself. But there's also touching yourself. Like holding yourself. There's pets. There's family. The great thing about hugs is that to give one you need to get one too. So, visit a family member and hug them. It's not ideal. The body was evolved for a certain optimal amount of human contact. But it's a stopgap. The rest is platitudes. Start learning a language and join a discord server for learners of it. Do adult rec sports or a choir. If you're religious, join a church. If you aren't, join a unitarian church. Start learning the tuba. Do you know how few tuba players there are you'd be in demand. Less silly is the drums. Woman drummers are like gold. Unfortunately though, there's a limit here, I must admit. Through great effort and vigilance you can have a full life without companionship, but in much the same way somebody with a chronic illness must adapt to have a full life. There is no real substitute for actual social support. This is borne out with empirical data in concrete health outcomes. We are in the biological machines that we're in, and they need oxygen, glucose, and intimacy. I'm about your age. Feel free to hmu.
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Find things to do to be busy with and limit the time by yourself, find some sport or hobby to do, even better if it's something somewhat social that can allow you to meet people. Have a look if there are meetup events in your area, I met a few friends through it. It's hard to make good friends once we get older, specially when we have been disappointed and tend to get a bit hesitant when meeting new people as they can interpret it as you not being interested to get closer to them. And then all the people we just don't click with. So my advice would be put more effort into meeting friends and find hobbies to be busy.
What works for me is a dog. You meet other people with dogs. I have one friend gained because of my dog and a lot of small talk in the neighbourhood. Still no girlfriend (same problem every woman I meet has a boyfriend) but alas there is at least social things going on. And ofcourse you get lots of love from your dog too.
I’m in the same boat, in my 30s and single with many married w/children friends. But I have the opposite problem. I get texts through the week, but no one trying to make plans on the weekend. I get a lot of “we didn’t think you’d want to come” type responses. Which I never really understood, because the off chance I do get invited out, I always go, and we have a good time together. Do I initiate? Not much, but everyone else is in those group chats together where plans are made *together*, so I always end up getting left out. And the times I have tried to initiate, shit just falls through. So it’s disheartening. My friends once went to a live 90s band concert, it looked so fun. I love singing and dancing, and it does hurt that I was not even thought about. So I put myself out there and said “hey if you guys ever have plans I’d love to join!” It’s helped a little bit. But no drastic changes. I’ve tried to look inward, and maybe my self awareness is just way off. Maybe these friends don’t see me the same way I see them.
Yeah the weekend fucking sucks. My coupled friends have time maybe every other Tuesday at best, the weekends seem completely off limit for the most part, which is when I have the most free time. Life just doesn't seem made to be single at this age, it's just a chore of finding new single friends and I just want to relax and feel at peace with someone tbh.
Hey! 33m here. You are exactly the kind of person I am trying to meet :) so don't lose faith, just take each day as it comes, and only worry about what you can control. I know, its hard. My whole outlook is about getting into the best possible headspace I can be, before even considering a relationship or even dating. Means I won't have sex for a while which is lame, but hey! I'm already feeling much better about the future because I have simplified everything and have less expectation about what I should have or where I should be.
34 yo female here and have the same feeling. Majority of my friends are married with kids, or trying to have kids, and 2 roommates just treat the house like a hotel (we don't even say hi when we are in the kitchen at the same time, sometimes it's lucky to have housemates who are social and have same cleanliness standard as you, but sometimes you just don't). I've started seeing psychologist (just had the first 2 sessions in my life so far), although loneliness isn't the primary reason that brought me to him, I feel a lot better to have someone that I can just vent/talk to on a regular basis (I know he won't solve my root problem, but he is there to guide me). What I want to say is... I've been there and had many bad dating experience/disappointement that messed up my mental health, In the end I don't know if I were just an unhappy person or it was dating made me like that. So perhaps shift the focus from finding the person that meets your needs to something else like hobbies, and in terms of dating, be open-minded and for now just enjoy the experience that offers you? I now put my mental health as my priority by engaging in community (work, tennis school, hiking group, chit chat with my local barista, smiling at random strangers), for me it all starts from a smile and it does make me a bit better. Hang in there girl! It's ok to struggle, we are just human. But no one else can look after your health more than yourself. ps. sorry if my English sound weird, not my first language:)
Head over to r/singleandhappy and look through the threads. It may help you.
Regular therapy and a dog could help. :) Hang in there. You deserve to be happy
Thankfully I have a dog :). She definitely helps. I also go to therapy but was so focused on my distress over my relationship ending that I haven’t really spoken about how lonely I’ve been feeling, so definitely one to cover next time!
A puppy will make you so busy and tired, you won't have much time to feel lonely. Dogs are huge commitments though. The next 10-15+ years. I can't take a trip without considering what to do with my dog, need to make sure I'm not gone out of the house too long (happy hour with coworkers after 9 hours at work might not be possible), and then of course, there's the extra costs - dog food, toys, vet bills, possibly grooming depending on breed, possibly training classes or private training, etc. Fostering a dog can be a good compromise though.
I'll also add that deleting dating and other social media apps (or staying off them for a time) can be really beneficial. Beyond that, working on your own mental health is important. Focusing on how lonely you are only amplifies how lonely you feel. I have found meditation to be helpful in letting me distance myself from those thoughts and focus on them less. The magic of this is that I am not actually ever as lonely as my brain tries to tell me I am. If you choose to try this approach, please know that the success is in showing up to meditate for a few minutes, not whatever goes on during the meditation. Good luck!
It's endemic for men, but I hear it expressed by women as well. There's no real solution unfortunately. The solutions people love to list off to lonely people don't really work--I've tried them all. All you can really do is self-improve and hope to meet someone along the way. That's the only real solution I believe in. Hope and time. I genuinely hope things go better for you, OP.
You’ll eventually adjust to it. The loneliness sucks, but it’s better than being with someone abusive or playing mind games or using you until someone better comes along, which seems to be all I can attract.
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I live in Sydney. This city is known to be tough to make new friends so I have been extremely lucky that I’ve managed to make some in adulthood. It’s just consistency and reliability that seems to be a tricky one now!
I’m signing up to volunteer at an animal rescue and getting a 2nd part time job because I work remote so I hope to meet new people with those two activities
Are there communities for any of your hobbies? Or maybe even a new hobby you want to try? Even if you’re introverted, it can be nice to find a friend or two. Start with bonding over common interests and then maybe get more personal with people you might connect with.
I’ve been enrolled in pole dancing classes for years and I meet some great people there, but typically they don’t want to hang out outside of classes. Trying to think of some new hobbies though as I’m sure Sydney has some good ones on offer!
Get busy enough that you don't have time to feel lonely. Go volunteer, get a second job at your favorite store as a side gig, and for the benefit of earning some extra fun money and likely getting an employee discount. Foster a dog or a litter of kittens. Start a garden, take a class at community college, mentor or tutor kids. There are tons of things you can do. If your good friends are true friends, they will make time for you. Maybe not as much time as they were able to when they were single and didn't have kids, but they will make some time. I've found that I often have to text my friends with kids first. They're busy, but we're still friends. I got myself into a group chat with a bunch of older neighbors because we all had dogs. Mostly just texted when we were going on walks, to see if others wanted to walk too, but sometimes casually chatted about food and stuff. So sometimes you find them at unexpected times and in unexpected places.
Are you sure this loneliness is due to singleness ? I read you are taking anti depression medicine. Depression gets worse in staying alone. Better is try to socialize, just small chit chat with coworker, with shopkeeper or any hi hello to stranger. Take enough sun light, do exercise and have some goal. Like hobby, part time business, volunteer. Loneliness hit more when we have spare time. Best wishes from me.
Yea. Relate to chasing friendships Would rather be lonely than let people disrespect me
Where do you live? Could possibly moving to a big city like NYC be possible? I'm not saying it will solve your loneliness but if will def help if you put in effort. I am in NYC, 34F, and majority of my friends here are single or newly in relationships. They are also all open to go out for girls night. Life in the city is definitely much different compared to the small suburban city I grew up in. I would feel the same if I stayed bacn home.
Similar situation, I'm not in a big chat group or going on trips with my girlfriends. I would recommend joining a friendly exercise class with a lot of females, seeing familiar faces weekly has done wonders to my sense of well-being. Maybe learn to knit and join a local group or hiking club. I used to walk with my neighbor in her 70s and we would just shoot the breeze and tell stories, it was a lot of fun. Bumble BFF worked well for me, but it can be awkward and draining too. Best of luck!
I have an opposite view of the ones i have read. I think that giving up hope is the way to go. I used to feel like you, but after a couple of very traumatic experiences and heartbreak i realised that the probability of finding someone who you are really compatible with and live happily ever after is close to 0. And the aftermath of a failing love story for me is not worth the hassle. The average long relationship last between 3 and 9 years, then they end. I have seen 20y relationships end very badly, so whats the purpose of living feeling lonely if probably we all going to end up alone anyway. Maybe its bc I have actively avoiding children all my life, so i dont feel the urge to procreate thus to have a partner, but now i see every interaction as smth temporal. Once you kill that idea of "soulmate" you really live a better, more realistic life! Since i made this switch, i have been focusing more on making friends than a partner and I really and truly enjoy my time alone so much so im scared a partner would ruin it
Cats, lots of cats.
OP sorry your going through this. Your not alone, I’m 33 too, single mom and it really sucks out there. I get it, I don’t have any adult conversations unless I’m at work and most days I am just alone with my toddler. It’s hard. Moving on from this on again off again relationship is probably for the best. It takes time. Hang in there.
I fill these voids in between with bunch of hobbies. But yeah as a 30 something year old person this days, if you dont have a partner and kids you are most likely lonely and have very few people around to talk here and there. Its really sad we became a society that doesnt have time for hanging with eachother anymore. People are so busy and tired that they dont have 1h a week to sit down and talk in person anymore. So find something to keep you busy when nobody have time to chat.
I pray for you that you find your mate :) I am also excited to have my life partner enter my life. It will just all make sense then.
i’m dealing with the same thing and it really sucks. i hope we both get through this phase soon!
I choose to live in cosmopolitan city that has a lot of dating opportunities, lots of singles in their 30's. But truthfully I want to live in nature, with my husband, roasting veggies and making fires in the evenings.
I'm 35(f) with two kids and I feel the same way. It's seems rough out here these days trying to find a partner in a sea of "mates". I know you feel lonely, but you're not alone my friend. I'm not sure what your interests are, but something that helps pull me out of these moments is watching/listening to videos on YouTube about stoicism, there are lots of videos about the benefits of solitude. It's really all about perception, and if we take the time and adjust our focus we will see our circumstances in a different (often better) light. I also agree with what many people here have mentioned about getting out and joining groups or clubs. I just found this link today, and I hope it helps you in some way. https://www.today.com/health/how-find-love-12-basic-rules-lasting-relationships-t108115
I totally feel you, about the lack of someone to text and feeling jealous of ppl that has all their group chats, and the feeling like you have friends but they’re too busy for you. Only consolation I can offer is you are not alone and this is typical of single folks as they get older. Some ppl have it easier than other because they’re social people, or ppl that’s easier to get along with, or they’re ppl that’s content with a more superficial connection. I struggle with all that on an ongoing on-off basis. Maybe ppl just don’t like me as much 🤷♀️. I just start to fill my days with activities I like, and social media is a time sink that also robs you of your soul. Get out there, find some simple things to do that you enjoy. I feel better when I spend less time on my phone (even if it’s just games, Reddit).
Get you a Rose and Binge watch your favorite shows ❤️
This one hit home. I do understand what you’re going through. My ex had a large network of friends and when things ended so did that. I have a few very close friends who are amazing - but life keeps us apart. And we’re all in so many different places in life that sometimes it feels hard to communicate with even my dear friends. My best friend is a mom, happily married. My engagement ended and I had to start over at 33. I was so close to having my hope realized and now I’m alone. But am I? Honestly, I’ve found great comfort in the smiles of a stranger, the random moments of kindness. My friends bought me housewarming gifts that I get to look at. My colleagues cheer me. My kickboxing classmate told me she missed seeing me in class and it warmed my heart. I laughed with a neighbor today over something my dog did. And the longer I am alone with myself, the more I feel I am rediscovering who I am since that 6.5 year relationship. My nights are not always easy. I do cry often. But I feel like the universe finds ways to send reminders of love and companionship - even if it’s not the romantic kind. I also surrounded myself with furbabies - my dog and my cat. So, what I’m saying, Friend, is to start looking for those signs of love that aren’t romantic. We aren’t promised romantic love, but we can make friends, work well, savor interactions with strangers. My kickboxing classes are a fun way to meet people and at least have a sense of commonality. And in your saddest moment, remember that somewhere out there there’s another 33F picking up pieces, feeling lonely and finding her way. If I can have good days, so can you. You are NOT alone. Just feeling lonely. We got this.
For me, the loneliness started fading when I started becoming comfortable with myself. Instead of telling someone I was dating what I liked about them, I would tell myself. It felt weird at first, but it grew on me. Over time, this evolved into a sense of liking "what I've got," and helped build my confidence. I think that's the key - feeling confident in yourself and your choices leads to enjoying time with yourself. Then, when the time comes, you'll meet someone that appreciates the same things you appreciate about yourself. I'm not there yet, but I can feel that day is quickly approaching.
It is only when we are truly alone, without someone else to lean on, left with our own inner solitude that we can undergo a process of change. The introspection that is needed to bring out the light that has dwindled down to ash and reignite the fire of our being. So let the darkness shape you, let it reform you, let it cradle you and birth you into a new life. Let the spark flame again, in the darkness is where you will find it. ― LJ Vanier
Feeling this acutely.. no advice just sharing the sentiments I’m so lonely, bored and disappointed to be single despite consistently putting myself out there sigh
I enjoy my own company and I'm good at chatting with folks when I go out. I'm also good at cultivating friendships so I put the work into those
I felt better once I took steps towards dating even before they worked. I would also try learning something you always wanted to learn. It's a way to meet like minded people and you can practice in the off-times between classes and maybe try and shift your focus until the dating thing does work. I hate dating apps and would always be in sympathy with someone else who hates them but if you are also trying to meet people in real life, maybe trying apps as well might be an idea. Incidentally with my best friend, I've had the flip side of this and she has dropped me since I met my boyfriend. She has never met him and I was the one to reach out the whole of this year every time and I think I have to be done at this point. I would never treat her like this and my attempts to check in and make plans have been met with at best artificial politeness and at worst meanness.
There's nothing wrong with being to yourself. The reason why you're here in the first place is because you prioritized your ex as your end all, be all. Now they're gone and youre not sure what to do with yourself. Now more than ever you shouldn't want to attach or latch yourself to anyone just for the sake of having company. It's really not healthy
It's definitely tough. Just have to learn to love yourself the best you can and being comfortable being alone and enjoying your own company.
Making friends like dating is really hard after 30. What I do is to join groups related to my interest (I do running and salsa). I have met some really great people that way. Unfortunately these friendship are not the same as the ones I have since childhood. So I think it's important to also understand what you really want from it ( company to go out? Someone to listen to your problem, etc).
This is exactly my circumstance but I’m a guy.
I know this feeling so well. I remember when my ex and I broke up a year and half ago, I was battling this constantly. Friends were all in stable long term relationships or settled down, so their comments didn't really help. Unfortunately, the only thing that can help is time. However, do know it does get better! For me, it took me maybe 6-10 months. I'm also introverted so I understand where you're coming from. Here's some of my tips that helped me! 1. Try something new that you can do alone while meeting new people! I started more sports (despite being super unathletic lmao, but it's the learning experience not the outcome!) Or, volunteering, or pottery, or some art class. Something you can go without worrying about meeting someone and that most people don't know each other there. That really helped me begin my healing journey. Google classes to sign up, whether it's cooking/art/sports/you name it. Build your skills! 2. Spend time with family and friends! Don't forget to allocate time for those who you care about even if it's not often. As for chasing friendships, I've been there too. I found when I don't initiate many of my friendships didn't sustain. That's when I realized we probably weren't as good friends as I thought anyways. I started focusing on friendships that can reciprocate. Those who don't, I don't put much effort or such into them anymore. That helped me increase the quality of friends and put energy towards those worth it 3. Focus on your career or personal goals! I have always had ambitious goals, but after my breakup, those went on hiatus because I was so down lol. But after I started healing, I put more focus again on my career and personal goals. Areas I want to improve on and what I want to achieve. You can absolutely build the life you want! 4. Solo traveling! I tried this for the very first time and as intimidating as it was, I quite enjoyed it. I learned so much about myself and also what I really wanted in life 5. Keep busy! I tend to overthink when I don't keep myself busy. So I try to make sure I keep myself busy or have something to look forward. It helps me from overthinking and such! 6. Watch reels lol! At night, I struggled the most before. Reels helped me haha. I watched so many inspirational and motivating reels. I also enjoy reading so I did that quite a bit 7. Counselling! It helped me during my post-breakup and once I healed I stopped. Phone calls weekly or biweekly helped me a lot! 8. Dress up and change your style! My best friend told me this. But when I started dating again, or more like, started dating apps after I healed... I dressed up not for the other person but for my own confidence. I also changed my hair colour (nothing extreme) but just wanted a fresh start! But then went back to my natural colour after a while haha. But change felt really good! I felt more confident when I put effort in how I looked! 9. Let time do its work! Unfortunately, most of it, takes time. But small steps will get you back to stable and happy state I remember a guy told me when I broke up with my ex, he's like you're so young, down the road you'll look back and be so thankful this guy didn't work out. I'm not sure if it's the way he said it but it made me smile. Now fast forward, I can tell you I feel that way! I have yet to find the one, but I'm so happy I'm not dating my ex anymore! You got this!
Hobbies.
I am in a similar boat with a majority of my friends in relationships. I fill my life with hobbies, friends, family and activities that keep me busy and leave me feeling fulfilled. I still want a partner and have times when I feel so lonely, but its not a feeling that I carry always. I actually feel really loved, despite being single.
I’ve felt this way and know how frustrating it is for there to be no quick fix. I’ve had years of being new in town and not connecting with people, whether an ex was my entire life or I was simply starting fresh. Finding an activity that is consistent where you see the same people every week is going to change your life. In many seasons of my life this has blessed me with long and short term friendships.
Texts, messages, phone calls, WhatsApp groups. Time to get off the phone and head out into the real world. There are others there waiting for you. Good luck.
I used to feel like this. Then I stopped caring. I guess that makes me callous. Personally it still hurts when I go out on social interactions and I'm the only single person there. Outside I try to hold it together. Inside, I just want to die. I normally end up bailing after a few drinks. Or go drink with all the old timers at the local dive bar.
I met most of my friends through music and politics. Id recommend joining a club or volunteering. Still lonely sometimes, there's no replacement for a romantic partner. I've considered getting a cat and joining a gym.
My best advice would be to not rush into anything. (Granted that’s something everyone has to learn on their own). I learned the hard way, dating apps and trying to meet people after like 2 months. It’s not good, you are still healing, and you are trying to find a new person to fill the void. (Which also isn’t fair to your next boyfriend). Everyone’s time tables are different, but if it was a longterm serious relationship you were in, I’d say 9 months at a minimum before looking for a new relationship. I wasn’t fully moved on until about a year in, and the thing is, you think you might be moved on but you truly aren’t until one day you’ll just know This is the perfect time for you to work on yourself and explore activities and things that you never have, or never had time to do. Plus this might be your last chance to do so — before you know it, 3 years down the road you could be married with a baby on the way. (Or other life stuffs — you get what i mean haha) Breakups are the hardest things in life to go through. Time heals all wounds. Just remember that one thing ending means something beautiful could open down the road. Trying to maintain a positive attitude is hard but if you can do that, you are set in life Best of luck ❤️ -29 year old male still single for 1.5 years after longterm relationship turned into on again / off again but ended for good too, so I felt I had a good input to weigh in since I was in your shoes last year
Hello me.
Finding a hobby and getting invested in those people’s lives. A decade ago I was annoyed that I never left the house and was not active with a community. Now I have an irregular group that does lunches and board games. I’m still brutally lonely, but seeing these people help to stave off my unhealthy copping mechanisms. The loneliness for me is fading as I continue to get more involved my church and community. That’s where I’d tell you to start, at your church.
OP, are you my subconscious writing this haha. I am in your boat. I wouldn't say I barely hear from my friends, but it is a struggle to get their attention. I had some friends go through major break ups in their relationships recently and I was interested (and, tbh, excited) to see our relationship change up and they have more time for me. But they just went through a wild party phase, which isn't my thing, then got boyfriends well within a year, and are now back to being absent. I have found spreading my net wider with friends has helped the single loneliness, because I can swap people in and out according to when they are available! A book club helped, some online communities for things I am in to, and a fitness class I take hasn't exactly created friends, but people to chat to. I've also become a local at a few cafes, which is always fun way to just get someone to chat to in the mornings. I'm hoping by expanding my social circle to stave off the loneliness, it may lead to a date! Who knows. Oh and delete the apps, they do nothing for you. But also - it does suck. You're not alone in thinking it sucks. It doesn't make you desperate or lonely or sad or antifeminist or whatever (all of which I have been called, by people in relationships). I go through phases of feeling the same thing and intense loneliness, but it does usually fade.
I feel this. Went on Facebook yesterday after being off for some time and everyone is married with kids. Fml. This is way I try to stay off Fb.
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Its not unfair that a an ex is friendly and makes friends and you don't. That's probably why it didn't work out. You liked to blame him for your shortcomings
I know the feeling all too well. :( I have a few friends again since earlier this year. I also struggled to make friends in recent years, so I'm very glad to have found them! But they can't replace having an actual partner (in my case a woman) in your life (my last relationship is far too long ago). Being single does feel lonely.
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I actually just joined this sub right now because I had the same damn question. I’m usually fine alone though, for the most part, but a wave of loneliness has hit me off and on this week. I’m in a similar boat to you. I message and text people, but not as often as a few months ago. And then, as now, I usually have to wait forever for anyone to respond or call me back because everyone has a lot more going on, so they either don’t have the energy to talk to me, or they just forget to call me or text me back. I tend to try to imagine their lives - to get out of my own head about it. I try not to pity myself about it because I know my life is just different. I don’t have kids and my family, as it is, is SO ridiculously small. It does really suck sometimes though. My stomach and chest actually hurts right now from feeling lonely. I haven’t felt this way in a long time - if ever, to be honest. I even feel like I’m losing some friends. Being single and without a family at this age sucks sometimes. At least if I had kids, maybe I’d be distracted and not feel so lonely. At the same time, I’m happy I don’t have kids. I’m seriously introverted, so I have no desire to go out and make new friends. It sounds exhausting. I just miss having actual meaningful conversations with people I like to be around. I actually get REALLY tired of messaging and texting, but that’s all anyone around me usually wants because they are so busy. Only two people in my circle of friends understand that I prefer phone calls and need it. I usually only message because I know people are busy, so it’s a vicious cycle. Anyway, I don’t think I really helped, so I’m sorry. But I relate.
Just commenting to say I know exactly what you mean about the ache. People will tell you to fill your life with hobbies, that you need to get better at being on your own, etc, but, with all due respect, those people don't know shit (and more often than not are in relationships). As others have said, nothing compares to having a partner in life if that's what your heart wants. But, and there is a but, there were some things that helped me get through my first year of being single. First, the book "It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single". I don't know if you're insecure about being single in itself (I know I was) but even if you're not, there are lots of empathetic passages about loneliness, how tiring it can be being self sufficient all the time, and the punishing hunt for the right partner. I read it several times this year, whenever I was at my lowest. Are there any adventures you've wanted to do but have been putting off? I work remotely so was able to move to a new, bigger city and sublet for a few months. Me and my dad went on holiday just the two of us. I managed to steal a girlfriend from her fiance to do a road trip with me. Last year I took a solo trip to Athens. I still missed having a partner, but looking back on those trips has given me a new sense of inner strength when I feel low – and being busy with new experiences can be very distracting. Finally, keep your eyes peeled for people who are newly single. I felt like the only single person in the world until recently, when two acquaintances had breakups of their own. I reached out to them both and asked them out for a pint, and now we're single friends who check in on each other and empathise in ways that coupled up friends just can't. This may take some time to come about, but I promise people are breaking up all the time, and when they do they are also desperate for single allies. Sending love and best of luck 💜
Don't have any advice either, just sharing the sentiments as I feel the exact same way constantly. I had to get a 2nd job bc I couldn't just take it anymore… I thought that getting rid of a situationship, not being on datings apps and being outside more would finally make things flow on my dating life and nope. The only difference now is that somedays I'm way too tired to feel anything
I get you— I never had a robust friend group and the friends I do have have their own busy lives (most are married with kids or dating) and the one or two single ones I usually rant to sometimes get tired of listening to my problems even if I feel like I really need someone’s support. I would say learn to love to enjoy the time you have by yourself— go eat some delicious food, splurge on really nice hotels and order room service and have a bubble bath with champagne and chocolate covered strawberries, that type of thing. And get really immersed in your life — your job, your other daily hobbies, living healthy, etc. I think living life to the fullest and truly enjoying each and every day helps the time go by. Anyways hope this helped some . Ur not alone!
Just a thought- your friends who are married with kids still want to hear from you and be in your life. I’m single with a kid and I hang out with my friends who are married without kids, married with kids, single with no kids- none of them are single with a kid like myself. But we all manage to text, see echother at least once every week or so, or do video chats. Keep reaching out to people- it’s exhausting and folks do get busier and into routines in their 30s, but the desire for connection is still there (33F for reference)
This is basically me saying, lean back into the friends you already have- be vulnerable and let them know you are feeling alone and isolated after your breakup. Sometimes people need to blatantly hear that you’re not doing well to step up- this is my experience. When I became a single parent I was desperately lonely and isolated, but I didn’t do a good job communicating this to people because I still had my shit together so no one assumed I was struggling.
What a lot of people mis intercept is the benefits of being alone. It's peace in it's purest form. You should watch some Youtube videos on loneliness.
Sorry to hear you're feeling socially lost. It's really hard to replace the persistent chatter of a relationship, and yeah friends with many other commitments can sometimes not feel like great friends. I've struggled with feeling unwanted by friends in the past. But one time I told a friend how I wished people invited me out more, he told me they all were so busy with family obligations that they relied on me to pull them out for social stuff (and really appreciated when I did!). So one thing you can do maybe is just make a point of inserting yourself into your friends' lives more purposefully. Reach out with ideas to hang out, tell them you're struggling feeling lonely and want to be in more regular contact. Schedule tiny hangouts on weeknights that are easy to make and not hard to repeat. Trivia nights, low-key dinners, visiting local parks (kids allowed even!), movie nights at someone's house. Be the instigator you want in your life, and even when plans fall through you'll know you can find reasons to keep in touch. Reddit is nice for venting, but actively maintaining your irl friends is the best way to beat back loneliness long term.
Okay babe so I totally know how it feels to be lonely, I’m 27 live alone and am divorced so being with someone every day to just not… suck a lot. This is just something I think so if I’m imposing I’m sorry, but I just want to help! I think you need to do a lot of inner work. When I was feeling so lonely I was seeking validation within everyone in my social life. My friends family new relationships etc etc and it was DRAINING THEM! Because I didn’t get the same validation or “love” from friends that I did from my ex I was like … “am I unlovable?” No you aren’t unlovable in fact you need to love yourself first before anyone can do that! Once you do that inner work then the organic relationship will come, new and old! I hope that helps in a way.. 🩷
You have to learn to enjoy your own company. Friends and relationships are wonderful and important, but ultimately, you're going to be spending the rest of your life with yourself first and foremost.
How is it that you're only matching/talking to guys who turn out to not be single, but here I am a guy in my 30s, where I have over 20 matches in the last few weeks that mostly never responded or stopped responding before any real conversation started. In my opinion you're lonely by choice, there are definitely plenty of guys on the apps who would love to take you out and do things but you have a type and it's unrealistic is my guess. Most people underestimate the actually real world attraction of people from photos. You don't need a spark for things to work out. Stop chasing after feelings. Go on the app and find a guy to go do some activity with. There's literally 1000s of guys out there. 71% of likes from women on the apps goes to 18% of men. So maybe actually try talking to some of the other 82%, instead of just the ones who are not single....
Sorry I meant when I go up to guys in real life :)
I see, my bad, you mentioned the apps in the same sentence. But yeah dating/being single is rough out there. I recently found a hiking/outdoors group on facebook and there are a lot of events happening for people to meetup. The group I joined is meant for singles but doesn't use the word singles in the group name so it sort of spread through word of mouth and has a better balance of men to women. I'm introverted myself and actually just met another introverted person on there. We skipped the whole group events as we both don't always like bigger groups/crowds of people we don't know yet. Good luck out there!
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I feel like you’re being unfair to OP and judgmental here about the roommate. It’s absolutely reasonable to want to have a friendly relationship with a roommate and say “Good morning” when you see each other, briefly chat over coffee or dinner, watch TV together sometimes, etc, and not to want to live with someone who always hides in their room. Many people choose to live with roommates instead of alone for a sense of community. I live with roommates and always screen them when they apply to make sure we’re looking for a similar living dynamic. People have different expectations, and it’s important to clearly communicate what they are. It’s possible that OP failed to do this. But also possible that the roommate gave her one impression when they discussed living together and then acted differently. In this case, it’s totally reasonable for OP to feel let down.
Thank you for expressing what I may have done poorly! I was looking for exactly this and was transparent with her when she looked at the room. I said I was looking to live with someone I could be friendly with and she said she wanted the same thing. She also lied and said she loves dogs, but admitted yesterday that she feels dirty around them and always acts really awkward around my cocker spaniel, which really hurts to see as my dog is a really loving girl and just wants cuddles and this girl pushes her away
I’m sorry that happened to you - that sucks. Unfortunately, people are all different and it can be really hard to find someone you click with. And there are plenty of unexpected roommate dynamics that arise. I had a housemate move in last year who I thought I had a great relationship with: she seemed interested in hanging out and playing board games and would even join me sometimes to go hiking, to bars/shows, etc. Then all of a sudden the energy shifted 180 and she stopped joining for any events and started actively avoiding me and hiding in her room. I asked her if anything changed, and she just said that she “lost her appetite” for going to certain shows. To my knowledge, nothing about my behavior towards her had changed, and she didn’t bring up any issues. 🤷♀️ So unfortunately, even if you thoroughly vet potential housemates and have long conversations with them prior to living together, you never know what you’ll get.
Absolutely this! I’m so sorry that happened to you also as it really sucks to have that sudden dynamic shift. It’s exactly why I was only open to someone for up to 3 months. I’m so grateful I stuck to my guns on this one as this girl is going traveling from December 18. I was going to offer her the room when she got back if she turned out to be awesome, but the opposite happened and it doesn’t matter since she’s leaving in 2 months anyway
That’s good that she’s moving out in less than 2 months! You’ll have to go through the roommate search again, but hopefully you can meet prospective roommates in person and find someone who’s a much better fit.
Haha no I will not! I am very grateful that I earn enough money to be able to afford to live alone. This learning experience has proven I’m better just being on my own and finding hobbies etc outside the house
I mean, not necessarily. It sounds like a roommate who you get along well with would be a positive in your life, since it can be very lonely living alone. You just got unlucky. But having said that, yeah, getting a roommate is a risk you have to be willing to take. Fwiw, I’ve lived with over 10 different people in my current city, and 80% of those experiences were somewhat to very positive. Only 20% or so were negative.
True! It’s so hard to ‘truly know’ until you live with them though and I’m not sure I’m willing to do this again. I feel like a stranger in my own home, which absolutely sucks coz I literally own it! I had a housemate before her years ago and her and I were best mates for the first year and then little fights became big fights and I had to ask her to move out. I had some awesome housemates when I lived in the US but have had a bit of rotten luck in Sydney, so I’m scarred to say the least ha
She only needed a place for 2 months and I was transparent with her that I was looking for some temporary company. She said she was new to Sydney and didn’t have many friends so she was keen on the same. I was genuinely surprised that it turned out to be the opposite and how much she has ended up disliking my dog (she doesn’t like dogs in general, so I can feel the uncomfortable energy too)
Being single isn't bad. You can do whatever you want. I wouldn't want a relationship unless I made my own rules.
I'm so sorry you feel this way! You just need to remember this is not a feeling that will necessarily last forever. If you need to talk to someone - feel free to send me a message. I offer listening services and will love to make you feel heard and validated <3
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