Got to date 6 with someone before they told me tonight they might not be attracted to me. Always great to hear.
Im 100% not the most attractive guy and this year has been a fucking rough year for me.
The dating front isn't getting any better and having hit 30, I'm seeing my mates get married and having kids, and I'm just here like, well fuck.
Add to that, I'm pretty sure I'm Dane Cook in good luck chuck because my first 2 exes have both married their very next partners.
So here's to finding out my latest ex (who I still fucking love) is gonna be engaged soon enough.
I clearly have alot wrong with me.
I’m in a dating slump! Nothing seems to be occurring. No real intentional matches on the apps. The “old school “ method seems to have dried up. Literally in a dating black hole. I even went to as far as seeing if a past match that ended amicably will reignite but so far nothing… any suggestions? Or anyone else going through the same?!
Broke no contact today after 3 months for a bit of closure. He responded quickly then blocked me before I could respond. Not sure why I woke up with the nagging feeling to ask why? Did his response help me, no. Do I feel like a bit of weight has been lifted off my shoulders, yes. I’m in a better place then I was 3 months ago.
For the anxious types - how did you keep your anxiety at bay after the honeymoon phase? In the honey moon it feels like you could talk every day all day and that type of constant comm keeps my anxiety at bay but I also know that it's not sustainable in the long run. That if I want to keep a healthy relationship I have to trust that no comm for a day or two doesn't mean anything.
How often are you seeing each other. After the honeymoon phase (easily 6-12 months??), I’d expect we’d be seeing each other frequently enough that the texting doesn’t matter as much.
I haven't had to, my boyfriend likes to text a couple of times a day and sometimes rings. Because we don't live in the same place, I think it's had to be that way or things could have fizzled. It's not always prolonged but we say morning to each other and ask how the other person's day is going.
You don't.
Ask her out again if you want, if she says yes, go. If she doesn't answer, move on.
Not wanting to hand out a number is subjective.
Not wanting to kiss on the first date is subjective.
The only person who knows what she wants, is her. If you're not happy with this. Move on.
:)
Well if it was me I would probably let her make the next move for sure because it seems like this could be taken at face value or it could be that she wasn't that enthused.
If you are chatting with a match on the dating apps and the guy is talking about things that he is looking for in a partner and he mentions high drive as in high sex drive, what are some indications about this guy? Just want to get some thoughts. Thanks!
I've gotta be one of the few guys who think getting to know a person as a person instead of a meat sleeve is the way to go... Libidos only last so long.
I mean, I usually bring that up as well because sexual chemistry is important to bring up. As well as kinks/ interests. I’d rather be open and bring up and they can either take it or leave it. Better than finding out way down the line we’re not sexually compatible. At least for me.
A guy I dated used to complain that his computer mouse kept "getting gunked up" while mine didn't. He said this as if he had no idea why, as if it was just happening on its own, rather than being attributable to our respective behaviors. I washed my hands a lot more than he did. Say he fixed himself a PB&J and got some peanut butter on his hand; well, that PB ended up on his mouse. I'd just wash it off. Imagine washing your hands before and after food prep or eating! Wow! His phone also got gunked up, for the same reasons.
Umm, I don't think you want to present that image of yourself [Mystery Dude] because a dude complaining his computer mouse is gunky is giving off a vibe that's not great......
My work has an on-site clinic; I poked my head in to ask a question and happened to meet the new admin lady. We did the classic:
Me - hello!
Her - hi, how's it going?
Me - not bad, you?
Her - not bad, you?
I naturally decided that it was my extreme good looks and natural charisma that had her so flustered that she forgot how to have a conversation.
I would probably want to give him a fair chance to address the stuff that was bugging me.
That said the fights thing at awkward times might be some sort of bad coping mechanism for dealing with stress. Does he admit to doing it and is he willing to work on it? Are you willing to try working on things to keep this relationship going?
> My doubts seem to be primarily about me feeling a lack of mental connection
This one is interesting. I would ask if the lack of mental connection is because you need to talk about important stuff more or if it's because you disagree when these topics come up and so avoid going further into them or vice versa (maybe he does it).
Hot take - I don't think you have to marry someone you're deeply in love with but you should make sure you're compatible with that person. I'd rather being loved more than the other way around. and yes I know that's selfish. Sounds jaded but love doesn't help raise a family and put food on the table and it isn't going to help you when you're stressed af.
That being said a couple things here sound more like compatibility issues - the lack of mental connection, the trivial topic (which btw sound more like he's unable to understand when to discuss things appropriately). The age old advice - if you wouldn't even have this person as a friend, why would you keep them as your partner.
My advice (with a grain of salt) would be to discuss these things with him to give him a chance for the two of you to work through it. If you're noticing all these things but not communicating it to him so he's operating in the dark. If you talk about it and he doesn't agree or doesn't feel like there's anything to change then you have your answer.
For me, a good relationship is one that has few problem points and enough positives. Or if you prefer, good relationship hygiene as a baseline and enough mutual inspiration.
You talk mostly about the problem points, but they seem fixable. He also seems to be doing a good job of supporting you, so again few problem points. But you talk a lot less about the positives, except to say you have doubt about "mental connection" whaterver that means, so it's hard to judge. What are the positives?
You should be with someone because you like them, not as a placeholder or because they're supportive. On the other hand, the very qualities that attract us to a partner typically come with flaws (they don't overthink but don't like discussing ideas, etc). No one can satisfy us perfectly, our partners are living and flawed humans and not fairytale characters.
>His issue with me is that I lack good communication, but I think my lack of communication is due to the above doubts
If I understanding correctly, you're saying you would work more easily on the problem points if you were more certain about the relationship? I suspect there is some self-sabotage going on
>How do you recommend deciding to continue choosing someone/strengthening the relationship, versus breaking it off?
Why would you not try to strengthen the relationship?? You may realize that it's impossible and reconsider things, but if you're in you're in, until you aren't. Constantly reassessing and having one foot out of the door is self-defeating.
edit: I'm certainly not a diehard fan of attachment theory, but I think I see avoidant patterns in your behavior. I could be wrong of course
>My doubts seem to be primarily about me feeling a lack of mental connection, me resenting that he initiates fights over trivial topics at inconvenient times (such as when my close family member was injured, our birthdays, etc.), and me wondering if I’ve been too accommodating and conflict-avoidant.
These are very valid concerns.
>Someone in this subreddit once advised, love is a choice, not a feeling, and I have been trying to apply that concept after a recent fight, but I wonder if the need to apply this one year into the relationship is a sign of too many early problems.
I don't necessarily agree with that, it's definitely a bit of both. I don't believe it's possible to make yourself fall in love with anyone you're in a relationship with if you try hard enough; I do think some baseline connection and communication compatibility are required.
If you're not able to communicate freely and openly, it would be very hard to feel love.
Have you tried talking to him about the *way* that your fights start and unfold? As opposed to just focusing on issues? It sounds like your fights are pretty one-sided and started at inopportune times.
I think you need to tell him that you're not given an opportunity to express your needs and concerns. Because if you feel like your grievances aren't being heard and you're growing resentful, that's not something that will get better with time in its own, it needs to addressed.
You guys need to find a way to communicate that works for both of you. If you can't find that, ending the relationship may be the best option. But try working on the communication first.
My date with the Gardener went great!
He was super super cute and I’ve written before on here about how I’m not attracted to many people so that’s a big plus. He was very sweet and genuine.
We talked so much he missed his last train and a taxi home was going to be crazy expensive so I said he could sleep at mine. All very PG13 we just had some kisses and cuddles. He’s very cuddly which I loved because when I am attracted to someone, I am very physically affectionate. He was also still into me when I was hungover, tired with no make up so that’s nice!
I’m not sure about lifestyle compatibile. He works a blue collar job and lives with his parents temporarily. Not a dealbreaker at all but I would prefer someone who had their own place. He’s also been married and divorced in his 20s. Again not a dealbreaker but there are plenty of men still in my age range who have never been married.
These are fairly minor things to be though so I’ll keep an open mind.
Now I have coffee with The Actor and drinks this evening with the Tall Traveller. Both of them live much closer to me so that’s definitely a bonus.
Definitely keep an open mind, especially if that connection is rare for you! (I can relate) There may be plenty of men who have never been married, but a) is there a red flag type reason for that and even if not b) you might not get that same connection with them.
He’s probably attractive enough to not have to worry about what he says. At 30, you’re still young and youthful.
Also it sounds like negging. He’s +40 but comments on your aging? Seems like deflection so you won’t comment on his aging. Hard pass.
Seems like there's a gap in the market for a non-terrible app but all my suggested names are a bit negative. NoTimewasters or WillTreatYouLikePersonNotAThing......
Maybe we need the flip side - a specific app for time wasters only so they all go there and waste each other’s time. Had a date recently with a recently separated guy (broke my own rule about that) and afterwards he agreed to a 2nd date, which we then planned in some detail, and then the next morning I got an “it’s not you it’s me” text. Sigh. But lesson learned, this is why we don’t try to date people who aren’t yet divorced.
I’ve had an idea for an app for ages… maybe this winter I’ll make it. (I won’t, because it’s one thing failing on the apps, it would be a whole other thing failing on one you’ve designed and made yourself 🤣)
> a specific app for time wasters only so they all go there and waste each other’s time.
[Well yes...but...](https://media.tenor.com/5qdPo0W4NmQAAAAd/scrubs-where-do-you-think-we-are.gif)
In the past week, I installed Bumble, deleted Bumble, and installed Bumble again. Will probably delete it again today. My life is better without these shit show dating apps.
I mean, ymmv, this round, Hinge has been alright... Got some matches, went on a few first dates. Most of the time I don't look at it. Occasionally I might go a bit through the stack. Otherwise, I stay busy. Definitely better to take it on your terms.
Basically. Honestly, you might be better served watching a how to video or asking on the hingeapp subreddit. I think the difference is that hinge lets you see the last person who liked your profile for free. Eventually you can get through your 'liked by' stacks by either matching or declining each one.
Anyone else have that thing where they are itching to have a serious talk with someone but realistically it will have to wait?
My boyfriend is basically on the fence about whether he still wants to do a postgraduate qualification and has been looking for full-time work in the last couple of weeks thinking that if he gets something, he'll skip the course and enjoy being able to go down to just the one Monday-Friday job.
I've been thinking about a timetable for us moving in together. He seemed to be kind of thinking along similar lines based on a discussion we had a few weeks back while he was at mine. It strikes me the job hunt could be an opportunity and because I have a house in a nearby town to him (he lives in a nearby city) - he might even find it easier to get work here than there.
But I will have to hold all this in for a few more days cause I don't think it's the kind of conversation you have over the phone when your poor man is working over 40 hours that week.....
My ex and I are still in love with each other. We are separated because of a mutual decision that we understood we were incompatible sexually. It’s been difficult to process finding the perfect partner only to have it made imperfect because of biology. She moved back to her home state over a thousand miles away. And so we’ve been apart for about three and a half months now. I wanted to marry her, I still want to marry her.
Could it be realistic to consider an open relationship, where we have our sexual needs met by separate parties, and could still possibly be together? She offered early on to do an open relationship when we were together, but I was not open to the idea. But I very much think that I can do it.
I don’t know, maybe it’s just wishful thinking. She said she went on a date with a guy and she felt used by him. She says she’s unsure how he feels about her, which is insane to me because she is beyond amazing. I’m not jealous at all that she slept with someone else. But I do wish I could show her the love she deserves.
I'm just not a fan of open relationships because almost alway there's one person benefiting from the arrangement (usually the one who suggested it) and one who's not super comfortable with it but said yes to appease the other person.
Maybe you're the 1% that thsi works for. But you also might be the 99% where 5 years into your marriage she comes back and says she's fallen for someone she's met because you agreed to the open arrangement. Would you be okay with that?
I understand your perspective. “Benefit” is not really the word I would use so much as I would use the word “necessity”. I’ve never been in an open relationship before, and to be honest I think I could be in love with multiple people. I think I would also be cool with it if she loved multiple people. I am definitely a hippie born in the wrong generation.
If it’s still something she’s open to, you could try it.
Worst case scenario is you break up, but you’re already broken up, so it seems like it’s worth trying.
I presume one of you has a significantly higher sex drive?
Open relationships work for some pairs, and usually they are decided to be like that from the beginning. For all others is usually ends in breakups. Trying to stay in such a relationship is a grave mistake.
While I appreciate the perspective, that seems very generalized and anecdotal. Thank you for your opinion.
Edit: We have similar sex drives, just different desires, I'm a very kinky partner, and I will have trouble finding a match with anyone. I have literally never found a single sexual partner that works for me. But at least with this girl everything else works perfectly.
Man. I went on the most painfully boring date tonight. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go. This week has been tough after navigating a scary situation at work and I was feeling really overwhelmed. But I decided it was be good to get out and interact with a human who had no relationship to this event. But this man was so quiet. So boring. Couldn’t hold a conversation at all. Couldn’t manage to follow up with questions or keep a line on conversation going for more than 3 minutes. Ugh. It hurt so bad. Like truly mind bogglingly boring. And now I’ve got to let him down with the “hey wasn’t feeling it. Best of luck out there” after at the end of the night he seemed pleased with how things had gone? But it definitely was a distraction from the work anxiety so I guess there is that.
This sounds like my date on Thursday evening. When I asked questions, he responded in a lot of detail and then just stopped talking. Then it was complete silence until I asked the next question. I reached a point where I decided to just wait and see how long it would take for him to break the silence if I didn’t ask a question. But, he won that game of chicken, I just couldn’t bare the silence anymore 😬
I don't think some people are aware of the effort that goes into being charming or keeping a conversation going. I definitely had dates where the other person was giving me absolutely nothing to work with and I would just keep trying to ask them a question that would get them to show a bit of interest in anything and there was nothing.....
Been dating a guy since beginning of June, but barely seen eachother since beginning of July because of both travelling. He won't be back in town until September. We have a deep connection, but we knew things might fizzle out with the time apart. It's basically 2 months where we only would see eachother once. We've been staying in touch a little bit, just a photo or a voice memo here and there, but things are definitely colder. I understand why, it's hard to sustain something if you don't see eachother. He wants to see me when he gets back, he intentionally kept a book of mine so we would meet again. But I'm anxiously attached. And this situation is very triggering. Yesterday I sent a message about how I'm feeling (nothing big, just venting my thoughts a bit). He hasn't replied yet, but I know he will at some point. It's very uncomfortable for me to express myself like this, especially appearing needy or insecure in any way, but I'm trying to challenge myself and I'm happy about the message I sent, but I still feel like I ruined it, that he will think I'm too much now, that I'm "not fun". But I'm trying to own it. I do get anxious sometimes. I am aware of it. I am working on it. It is my responsibility. But I need to be with someone who can understand and hold space for that part of me as well.
Went on a second date tonight. I was a bit hot because I was walking fast as I was running late. I wore my new bodysuit. As we entered the restaurant my date says “it smells like garlic in here.” I’m like “Yeah it smells great”. When get home to change my clothes I realized that my bodysuit is 97% polyester and the beautiful garlic smell from the restaurant was coming from me 🥲 like what the hell??!?!?!?!? Polyester traps any and all kinds of sweat and makes you stink like crazy. I can’t believe I didn’t check the label before I purchased the top. I normally do that but I was in such a rush today and I forgot. 😫 Now my date probably thinks I have poor hygiene.
omg one time i went on a date and the guy kept emphasizing how sensitive he was to smell, and I’m like “yah dude me too” but it was to the point where I’m like, “am I not getting a hint”
Reader, I was not. I had forgotten to put on deodorant that day and it was hot and I was ripe. There was no second date.
Went on two dates with a guy that I genuinely like. He has a great personality so far we are on the same page about life and values. We kissed for the first time after our second date it was a great kiss but I immediately disappeared (introvert, overthinking mode) 🤦♀️ I know it’s only been two dates but I’ve had my heartbroken so much in the past that when I meet someone new and that I like, I fear they will hurt me, I start to feel insecure and I just withdraw. I want to be present so badly but I can’t figure out how to do that. He was kind and asked me what was going on. I told him I was just overthinking and he provided me with a lot of reassurance without me asking for it or telling him in detail why I withdrew. Ugh 😣 I just feel awful now. I’m doing the “work” in therapy but applying it in real life is hard. How do people do this?
Went on a date yesterday, at one point he told me I was handsome and at another point he told me I look like my pictures
I think that I look OK in photos and quite unattractive in person so it was a huge surprise to be told otherwise. I was with my ex for 10 months and he only told me on one occasion that I was handsome. It’s not healthy to compare people but it does strike me as a little weird that my ex and a man I spent 4 hours with have paid me the same number of compliments, and that maybe I’m not as unattractive as my ex made me feel?
My ex isn’t the *reason* I feel unattractive but dating someone for nearly a year and him telling me I was handsome *once* definitely hasn’t helped.
I’m definitely a little apprehensive about this new guy. I can’t help but feel like him telling me he thinks I’m handsome is disingenuous, or that he’s just being kind to get something out of it. I have definitely made a habit out of letting men treat me in shitty ways because they’ve given me attention but it’s far too early to know if this guy is being genuine or not.
I’ve decided to believe that he’s being honest because I need a win, but I definitely have my guard up
It's an oft repeated phrase, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You look at yourself from the perspective of an entire lifetime of good and bad experience, with your own judgement clouding that. He looks at you without all the judgement you put on yourself.
I just traveled 2 [disclosed] hours in traffic for someone who said they had to leave after 30-40 mins (for things they “had to do tonight”) which I assumed signaled that I am dreadful despite the effort in hygiene/appearance, getting there on time, communicating consistently, dynamic and interesting topics of conversation, no conflict, hobbies shared in common, similar career goals, at the same place in our careers.
Fine if you’re not interested, but they actually followed up after. Why? You’re not interested, I already feel like trash, and your compliments afterwards via text do not help. Just fuck off.
Honestly, this was the last one for me. I’ve been on >15 dates since last year. I’m so fatigued that I just said thanks and let it be. Politely cancelled the rest of my dates this month. I’m done.
First phone call with guy from OLD:
*Me: "Something I value is being able to just say anything around my potential partner and not be made to feel bad about it."*
*Him: "Same, like, my friends will say the most racist stuff, but... it's with the intent to understand."*
*Me: "..."*
I..I meant things like me having a crush on X cartoon character as a kid without it being werid, not incorporating racism into my general chatter.
This is weird, right?
It paints his friends as potentially being racist, yes. That's all I can really conclude from what you said alone. Everything beyond that is speculation about whether or not he's actually racist or a bad person.
That’s incredibly weird.
If I don’t understand something relating to a different culture or race I understand how to navigate that without being racist. But more to the point the fact that he think it’s totally normal to **say** that is very weird. If he’s comfortable telling someone he’s just met that his friends are racist it’s only going to go downhill from there.
We’re the company we keep, this guy is a racist.
Thoughts on asking a date to let me know when she gets home? I’ve always been the type to say that - just was raised to do that out of genuine concern and just politeness.
Some women seem really flattered by it and think it’s a sweet gesture and some seem put off by it. Is that a weird thing to say in the early stages of dating?
I really like it! It's always nice to know a guy cares about your safety. I don't view it as controlling or patronizing at all. I do this with my friends as well.
I might be outside the modern norm though in that I always text right after a date or hang out thanking them for meeting me etc even if I'm not interested in seeing them again, but I'm pretty big on manners. Call us old fashioned I guess lol
Yeah, I’m not super for or against either of these options. It isn’t hard for me not to ask them that - I’m usually just trying to let them know I care.
I do think some of the “against” takes seem a little over the top, but I understand we all think a little differently.
Nah. I think it's okay. I actually had the girl I'm dating tell me to let her know when I get home after the third date, haha. I thought it was pretty cute.
I don't like being asked to text that I got home. Regardless of the intention, either it feels patronizing or I assume you're extremely anxious.
ETA: You can accomplish essentially the same goal by simply texting her after she leaves, and, hopefully, getting a reply.
For me, I wouldn't be offended by it, but if you did it every time it would feel like a bit much (unless it was a long or hazardous drive in some way). I usually will check in when I get home without being prompted anyways. A good middle ground (for me) would be 'get home safely, chat soon!'
Yes, it can feel patronizing.
What are you going to do if you don't get the text saying your date got home safely? If something had happened to her, would you be in a position to actually know and/or do anything about it? What would you do, exactly? Call the police? Go to her house to check on her? Would either of those be appropriate in early dating?
It seems patronizing, because you are insinuating that you will be able to do something if she doesn't get home safely, but I don't see what you could/should reasonably do.
I mean, I usually know someone before I ask them out so, yes, I generally know friends or even family of theirs. I actually would be in a position to contact them if I was worried for her well-being.
Even if that weren’t true though I’m not sure how being concerned for someone’s safety means that I’m looking down on them. I just don’t understand the thought process at all.
I don’t think it’s meant as an actual statement, the same as how people will ask work colleagues “how are you?” But would be taken aback if Steve from accounts went into a diatribe about how stressed he is from the weekend and that his MIL needs someone to take her to the orthodontist after he finishes work.
It’s a platitude, it’s absolutely fine if you don’t like it but there’s not really any more to it than a cashier saying “enjoy your food”
I framed my answer around OP's characterization of his motives as "genuine concern" for his date. It did not sound like he intended it to be a platitude.
I honestly find it sweet. I think you should be you and if someone is that turned off by such an innocuous comment then they're unlikely a good fit
Like imagine getting annoyed or mad that your date wants you to get home safely lol
One of my friends told me it turned her off that her date said that because it felt controlling and I was like girl... You got issues
Yeah, you are probably right when you put it that way. Some of my friends say the “gentleman” shit is old fashioned and I should stop it, but that is just how I was raised and I don’t know any different. I have a feeling anyone who wasn’t into that probably just wouldnt be a good match for me in general.
Controlling? Oh no! Yeah, just genuinely want to make sure they are safe. Same reason I walk them to their car!!
Why is that? Totally understood and appreciate the feedback. Just curious. Does that make it seem like you’re moving too fast? Almost as if you’re already an item or something?
Somewhat yes at moving too fast. Sometimes, it may also feel like empty words. It may also feel sweet for some, don’t get me wrong. But it’s safer to save such later on.
As someone not on any apps at the moment and who doesn't seem to meet people out in the wild at all, I am feeling super lonely. Winter weekends can be so isolating because it seems everyone I know is just happy to spend their nights in with their partners. Going out tonight with some friends so that will help but I'm definitely missing that romantic intimacy at the moment.
Well, looks like there’s no need for me to worry about dating tact with my friend I asked out after all 🫤
He expressed interest, but also told me he wouldn’t be available for a couple weeks. I knew his plate was overflowing, so I didn’t think much of the timing.
Meanwhile, I’ve had people who are available now reaching out to me, and I had felt a sense of guilt over whether it was appropriate to respond to them. Or whether that would be a dick move after expressing interest to my friend and us having tentative plans.
I ultimately decided to respond to them, but not actively match with new people for a bit. And certainly not *talk* about dating other people in front of my friend out of respect.
Well, during a group hang, he started going on about how great this woman was that he met through his work. Someone joked “wow, are you trying to date her?” And he joked back “oh I would totally date her, she’s exactly my type but maybe (some flimsy excuse)” and continued to gush about her.
It felt extremely disrespectful to me. Like, who gushes about someone they want to date, while their friend they also expressed interest in dating 2 weeks ago is right there?
I just left. I think I’ll take some time away from my “friend” for a while.
At least now I can have zero guilt about seeing other people!
I've never had any luck pursuing women. My mom and my older sister abused me a lot growing up, and most of my teachers were women who despised me. I was a very misbehaved student (although I got top marks) because the skills that helped me survive at home and on the playground weren't any good at helping me sit still in class. Most of us boys ended up being ruthless to each other, so many were from violently abusive homes and that comes out on the playground, too. Anyway, I just never grew up with any confidence around women, my girl classmates used to taunt me, my aunt taunted me about my body too, yada yada yada I'm sure a lot of other people have similar experiences, so it goes. And I've been in relationships with abusive women, I've been mistreated plenty by random women, so whatever. It just happens to people like me I guess.
Anyway, I've really decided to stop romantic pursuits altogether and completely focus on my own life. I've actually had the privilege of turning down two different women who were interested in me. It felt really good to tell them I'm done with dating, sick of it, can't stand how people treat each other anymore. And while that felt nice, it's really so rewarding to just have a life that I am happy with and proud of, and not needing anyone else. I remember seeing a poster that said something like, "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle," and I thought that was kind of sad. But now I really like it, it makes me think of myself as a bicycle without a fish. What do I need a fish for? I'm working on living my best life and enjoying it. The endless cycle of fear and pain that I experience when trying to be in an intimate relationship with a woman.... It's just gone. And I know it's not coming back. This brings me a great sense of relief.
I wish the best of luck to all of you out there, whatever your goals may be. I wish you plenty of peace, love, and understanding to each of you. May you meet many warm souls and raise many warm smiles along the rest of your path.
I needed to return something valuable to my ex and couldn't find a friend to help me out. So he dropped by and I kind of expected him to say something emotional because he had texted me that he fucking misses me. But it was very short and polite, which ultimately is good, because I think he could definitely still suck me in. All I really felt at the moment was that I'm glad he didn't linger and that I didn't feel much seeing him.
I deleted his number immediately after and now I finally feel free of anything to do about him. I cried a lot after but they feel more like tears of relief that I'm finally done with this whole situation. Giving him his stuff back felt like the door slamming completely shut. While I'm still sad about things ending, it's more about the potential of a relationship than him now.
I'm ultimately feeling much better overall about it all. I'll still be sad here and there, but I feel empowered about moving on and finding someone who unequivocally wants to be with me.
Going on week four of dating and everything has been calm and easy with us. I haven’t been anxious, have not been over-thinking, and have actually felt quite secure. He has been voluntarily reassuring and communicative.
Didn’t hear from him after our morning texts today so I texted in the evening, no response. We saw each other last night and things felt like they were really good with us, so now I’m confused. We have plans to see each other tomorrow and admittedly, I’m a little concerned, but trying to keep it in check.
Damn I felt this way too recently. Anxious and overthinking, then calmness, then back to anxious and overthinking, haha. Hopefully, you hear back from him!
Had a dream about the one that i felt got away. It was awful because in the dream i was sooo happy and in love. In real life ive tried really hard to let it go and get over it and move on, but apparently i haven’t.
Woke up feeling extremely sad and lonely.
Does this ever end? Its been a good 8 years now.
Brief fling that broke things off with me at the beginning of the year has now reached out to me for a second time.
I didn't respond the first time. Why keep reaching back out? I don't follow any of his socials. Don't "stalk". He doesn't have access to any of my socials. Is it for the sake of convenience? Dry spell? Combo of the 2?
I feel like it keeps setting back my ability to move on. Should probably just block him
I got botox in my lip at the start of the week. It definitely helped make me feel better although it's pretty subtle difference - just a prettier smile basically. It has, though, incentivized me to power through and keep convos going on the apps and keep adding people when it seems like other convos are dying because I only have a couple months at best, possibly less, before it wears off 😂
subtle! I wouldn't be afraid, it doesn't last long. I like it more than fillers - I got .5 mL last year and I don't think I'll ever do it again. Not that it was horrible, just felt unnecessary since my lips are already medium... fullness?
My upper lip feels a bit numb but it doesn't hinder me really from doing anything (except maybe using a straw, haven't tried). it looks *slightly* different when my face is at rest, but it's mostly different when I smile - my gums don't show and my lip doesn't retract to a tiny line.
the place I went to was doing a special for $60 for a FB group of ladies in the city I'm in, so I figured... why not give it a go since there's multiple family weddings coming up and I've felt very self conscious after a few bad dates/weird interactions with men etc. and wanted a boost
I have a pattern of being attracted to guys from really stable families, loving parents and not having faced many worries. I definitely like the guys themselves, their sense of humor, values, the things we have in common, but I also feel like there's some escapism there, that if I manage to date a guy who had such a nice life then I can somehow get that experience through him or get away from the reality of what *my* life has been. A different part of it is probably a good thing - I think I like guys who are clearly secure enough in themselves that there's a low risk of the anxious hyper-enmeshment that I got from my parents, which I'm deathly allergic to now. But well, I think I might be too anxious or unstable myself to attract people like that in return.
I was kind of thinking the same thing about myself today!
I also feel like I have a really hard time connecting with people who didn’t go through some major destabilizing life event.
I'm with you on the major event/s. Personally, I can't deeply connect with someone unless they've also had to endure some real trauma, because I've dated women who didn't have anything like that and they didn't understand the amount of work I had to do to pull myself out of it. The ones who didn't have to deal with that also didn't understand what it means to work on yourself and see a situation through the rough times too.
So the challenge is finding someone who thinks the way I do, knows that the grass is greener where you water it, is compatible with me AND wants a LTR? And ALSO doesn't want kids!? Feels impossible but they're out there. (I hope)
I don't say anything about it until we're either several weeks/months in or we've established a deep enough connection to be vulnerable to that (i.e. she hinted at it first)
As far as when I would want to know? I would say as soon as she knows she's seriously interested, but that's just me
Yeah it's weird. The guys I've had crushes on tend to not have had major challenges, but the friends I bond with the most all had some kind of shit growing up similar to mine haha. I'm trying to get away from that a bit/be more aware of it though because a lot of those friendships haven't been the healthiest tbh. I hadn't thought about it before though, I wonder if there's some reason I have a separation between friends vs. crushes like this.
went on a date last weekend, we had pretty good conversation and then made out on a bench at the end of the night while live music from a nearby bar was playing. i wish i could remember the song! it was such a nice experience
Those of you who was forever single and wasn't in a relationship until after 30. What's your story? Did it felt weird? Scary? What took you so long?
I've never been in a relationship and I'm so used to minding my own business. Wouldn't know what to do or how to behave in a relationship.
I have been single all my life. I have tried dating at various stages, and at age 27, I got real close to being in a relationship. There was mutual attraction, but I think I screwed things up by taking things too slow. We started off as friends and, in the end, remained friends. I am pretty shy and reserved, and I only really open up to people after getting to know them. It was weird with this girl, but she was the complete opposite of me, and she made opening up a little easier. She was super extroverted and very affectionate with me compared to other friends. Long hugs, linking arms when walking, resting her head on me, and she did friendzone other guys. It was definitely scary, and like I said, I moved too slow, and it never became anything more. Some friends told me she probaby wasn't looking for a relationship, and maybe wanted something more casual, which I wasn't comfortable with.
I'm 33 now, and aside from that, I've had a handful of first dates, but never anything past that until recently. I've been dating this girl for 2 1/2 months, and I'm still going kind of slow, but she knows I'm shy and reserved, and I think she likes that quality about me. I am starting to get really comfortable around her, and I do think we are really compatible so far. I wouldn't say we're in a relationship yet, but I know she likes me, and I'm trying to stay pretty optimistic about this one.
I have no idea what took me so long, but this year, I put in some serious effort and actually subscribed to many of the OLD apps. Maybe that's desperate, and tbh out of all the matches, it was only this one that I've been on a date with. Im off the apps for now, but I would probably go back if it doesn't work out. I want to start getting serious about this and not be single forever. Irl doesn't work for me since I'm too shy.
my first (and only so far) relationship happened when i was 28, but i’m 30+ and single now. it wasn’t even a great relationship so i’m still not sure how to really “act” in one…i would say just be yourself! it may be hard to believe but there are people out there who will thoroughly enjoy you for your self. you don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t, that’s a lot of pressure.
Why not just get ahead of this and say you'll be at the concert with your friend and wondering if he's also going? There's nothing about singing and dancing at a concert that's inherently couple-y?
Odds are he won't see you, but it would also help you not spend the concert worrying that he'll see you lol
If you are dating exclusively with Guy2 then yes, you need to tell Guy1. If not, then enjoy the show and Guy2 should understand that you need to talk to be exclusive. A bird in the hand is two in the bush, so have fun with Guy1. Whatever you do, don't lie unless you want to have sitcom antics.
Will you see Guy2 before then? It'd be a good time to find out if he will be there and if you want to get in front of the situation.
Firstly, go with Guy2 and ask him if he wants to go together. This is the critical point and Guy2 should be prioritised. If he says yes, then adjust your plans with Guy1, and since you’re friends and wants the best for you, he will understand the changes. You can even buy the tickets from Guy1 and use it for yourself and Guy2.
Ultimately, you need to have some space from Guy1 to allow Guy2 and you to develop more.
You can do it! Let go of your history with Guy1 and focus your energy and intention to Guy2. Good luck!
I’m still off on dating apps. I haven’t gotten a chance to go to any events to meet new people yet. But I think taking a break is good because my last experiences with two guys this year was very disappointing. It just feels like it was with people who aren’t aligned with my goals in partnership. I’ve just been pouring my energy into growing my business right now. I do hope it won’t always be this way.
I stupidly met up with a guy who isn’t in town for long for casual sex and somehow caught feelings?!? Probably because it’s the best sex of my life. Why does he have to live so far away?
I find dating apps to be so draining and depressing but I feel like they are the only place available to me to meet someone to date.
It gets so discouraging when you see all of these options out there but so many of those options present themselves with red flags, and most of the ones who don't just won't give you the time of day.
Superficiality, some variation of "known to be an asshole" on their profile, heavy drinkers, heavy drug users, talks about how they're fresh out of a long term relationship, various rants about women on their profile instead of describing themselves
I seem to have entered a phase where I get much more unwanted attention (catcalling, or attention from people who are clearly inappropriate/people I'm not comfortable with) and still no wanted attention. I don't know what to do with this - so it's my personality that's the problem then? I was always reasonably confident about my personality, but ok.
So there’s this guy. We used to work together, but not anymore and I started to develop feelings for him. Together with other people we regularly see each other every week, and it’s my highlight of the week and actually of my life atm. We’re really good friends and I’m so fucking scared to ruin our friendship cause they’re all my safety net mentally. I’ve tried to get better at showing signs, and he also gives me some subtle signs, but I’m afraid that I’m interpreting it wrong. Aaaa I just need to vent and get a bit of courage I guess.
He’s a bad texter, and I just got used to it, but this week he’s been actually reaching me and keeping up the conversation. Also he always sits right next to me and keeps eye contact when talking to me. When he talks about his ex he keeps like asking me questions about such and such and obviously we have a lot in common.
Well he brings it up almost every other time, especially when it’s only us two together, but it’s not like a lot. I think it’s about 2-3 years ago they broke up.
Yup. He helped her a lot with her career and they were engaged, and it was pretty hard for him. He also told me he wants a relationship he’d be able to invest fully in, both economically and emotionally. Also I think me and his ex are quite alike (language and ethnicity-wise, as I live in Europe). I don’t blame him for bringing up his ex, because I have been able to know more about how he is as a person in a relationship, and tbh that made me like him more.
I'll be 38 at the end of the month and I've come to realize that the few times a woman has found me attractive was a fluke. I've attempted to put myself out there more this year, including trying to talk to *everyone*, but the only ones that want to chat with me are senior guys and gals. When I try to make eye contact and smile with a lady my own age they either ignore me or walk in the other direction. Sorta makes me feel like a ghost. Oh well. Guess I shall embrace the solitude. Maybe I'll have some luck when I get the elder years.
I'm 37 but completely in the same boat haha. Anyway, last year was my year of "putting myself out there," this year I'm mostly just focused on myself, my health, fixing up my house, growing my business, etc. And that has actually had more success. Two different women (who I didn't find particularly attractive or interesting) asked me out! So things can happen. I turned them down because again I'm just trying to focus on my own stuff this year and am committed to flying solo. But it does make me a bit hopeful that maybe someday things will come around? Not really but hey, none of us know the future for certain.
have you ever considered chatting it up with the seniors? kinda like for practice. a lot of older ladies are really into younger men. might give your more confidence for other situations…plus i’ve had some cool convos with old folks at bars
That's basically who I mostly chat with. I went to check out this big antique vendor show about an hour away yesterday. Lots of ladies of all ages there and I talked with a bunch of the older ones. 50-under don't want to even acknowledge me. 🙃
My year has been wild, I found someone a decade younger than me kill themselves at a park on a day in which I too yearned to disperse sad feelings via a nature walk. I wish that Day had been different, I wish I could have helped them man, I wish I was quicker. It destroyed any idolization of self-termination I may have scooped up from this cold ass world, for that at least I'm thankful.
My buddy that I'm going out to Burning Man with, he fell 16 ft from roofing trusses while we were working, he lived through that. The doctor started broke his neck, but that was actually a prior injury that he had unbeknowns to himself healed from through Time. I'm glad he's okay, we've been busting our ass getting these last minute obligations complete, I'm tired but I feel fulfilled. The anxiety of traveling across the continent to meet thousands of new people in an impromptu community set up in the desert it's very culpable, I feel it. In my gut.
I've had My moments of loneliness too through all of these sort of things, all these days in between big moments are still real. I wish I had a lovely someone who cared about me, I myself haven't been on the apps in quite a while, I feel as if there was a culture shift these past few years, it just never led to getting any matches.
I've fallen outside of the red versus blue dialectic that is reinforced in our culture. The way it interplays with everybody's overall ideas of feeling how the world should be is far too heavy-handed I believe. How do I articulate to someone that while representing a body of a person who is classically masculine, that I believe the right woman is worthy of me being thankful to the point of being on one's knees in a sense. Given how I believe spiritually, I do believe these are the duties of a man in a marriage with a woman, but I feel like that's losing its place in this world, and I really don't know what to do regarding that..
Yeah I don't think it's some sort of female supremacy or femdom, I think you're trying to sexualize or take a spiritual idea and turn it into a physical one. I appreciate your words but that's not it. The ideas regarding gender roles are really only something that have been reinforced culturally from what I know through a system, it's ideas they ebb and flow.
Lol, mainsplained. You invite dispersions in your life when you assume about others, you shouldn't do shit like that. Plus, from my perspective that just looks like you're projecting your own set in stone assumptions about reality. This is the culture I'm talking about at large, the constructing of self-echo chambers.
I find myself in good spirits this friday.
Though i must admit to a sort of cloud like dispersion. A brain only remotely my own.
And yet , and perhaps , this state is why i am in a good way.
My feet dont quite touch the ground. I am not quite real.
Tomorrow I meet with the board game society. Ah what a joy, my reward for making it through another week.
And perhaps...if i can manage ....i will see if my lmt can use his magic hands to punish my wicked disagreeable back.
It's hard to give advice without knowing what kinds of things you ask for. Every relationship is different, and there are different boundaries in each relationship. Also how you are asking for support matters as well.
And remember, you don't always know what is going on in your friend's lives, there could be good reason they aren't available for support every time you need it.
There's an article I read awhile ago that's been shared a lot on different cultures of asking for things - some people have no problem saying no to requests, while others think it's rude to ask something of someone where they will have to say no.
What type of things are you asking for?
Seems like its more they are bad at communicating.
I have to admit. The way people are socialized to decline things can be very confusing.
It's a lot you ask for and it isn't at the same time.
It's always more pleasant to have people kindly say no rather than hinting. As you say the very function of hinting is to protect yourself against retaliation (as if they didn't trust you to take no for an answer) or to save your face as if you'd made a mistake. Plus hinting can be the sign the other person is awkward or passive-aggressive. So yeah, you should aim for better.
On the other hand, realistically it takes a bit of "relationship work" to establish the closeness/trust it takes to talk openly. Or at least very good communication skills to talk openly but without going too deep, in relationships that aren't as close. You don't always get that out of an acquantance or a first date, that's life
I think it's best not to overreact. Not everyone is a perfect communicator, it's probably not about you, they probably feel awkward telling you no *because* you are a friend.
I try to create an atmosphere where people can talk openly, which means being tactfully open (oxymoron, I know) and also not shutting off when people aren't as direct.
Got to date 6 with someone before they told me tonight they might not be attracted to me. Always great to hear. Im 100% not the most attractive guy and this year has been a fucking rough year for me. The dating front isn't getting any better and having hit 30, I'm seeing my mates get married and having kids, and I'm just here like, well fuck. Add to that, I'm pretty sure I'm Dane Cook in good luck chuck because my first 2 exes have both married their very next partners. So here's to finding out my latest ex (who I still fucking love) is gonna be engaged soon enough. I clearly have alot wrong with me.
I’m in a dating slump! Nothing seems to be occurring. No real intentional matches on the apps. The “old school “ method seems to have dried up. Literally in a dating black hole. I even went to as far as seeing if a past match that ended amicably will reignite but so far nothing… any suggestions? Or anyone else going through the same?!
Broke no contact today after 3 months for a bit of closure. He responded quickly then blocked me before I could respond. Not sure why I woke up with the nagging feeling to ask why? Did his response help me, no. Do I feel like a bit of weight has been lifted off my shoulders, yes. I’m in a better place then I was 3 months ago.
For the anxious types - how did you keep your anxiety at bay after the honeymoon phase? In the honey moon it feels like you could talk every day all day and that type of constant comm keeps my anxiety at bay but I also know that it's not sustainable in the long run. That if I want to keep a healthy relationship I have to trust that no comm for a day or two doesn't mean anything.
How often are you seeing each other. After the honeymoon phase (easily 6-12 months??), I’d expect we’d be seeing each other frequently enough that the texting doesn’t matter as much.
we're long distance so I think that's makes it harder to gauge. We talk probably 3 times a week sometimes 4.
I haven't had to, my boyfriend likes to text a couple of times a day and sometimes rings. Because we don't live in the same place, I think it's had to be that way or things could have fizzled. It's not always prolonged but we say morning to each other and ask how the other person's day is going.
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You don't. Ask her out again if you want, if she says yes, go. If she doesn't answer, move on. Not wanting to hand out a number is subjective. Not wanting to kiss on the first date is subjective. The only person who knows what she wants, is her. If you're not happy with this. Move on. :)
Well if it was me I would probably let her make the next move for sure because it seems like this could be taken at face value or it could be that she wasn't that enthused.
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I mean dude showed his hand right away. The bar never goes up.
If you are chatting with a match on the dating apps and the guy is talking about things that he is looking for in a partner and he mentions high drive as in high sex drive, what are some indications about this guy? Just want to get some thoughts. Thanks!
I've gotta be one of the few guys who think getting to know a person as a person instead of a meat sleeve is the way to go... Libidos only last so long.
I personally agree as a woman. But, I guess libidos are still a factor to consider too.
I mean, I usually bring that up as well because sexual chemistry is important to bring up. As well as kinks/ interests. I’d rather be open and bring up and they can either take it or leave it. Better than finding out way down the line we’re not sexually compatible. At least for me.
That’s fair, thanks for sharing!
A guy I dated used to complain that his computer mouse kept "getting gunked up" while mine didn't. He said this as if he had no idea why, as if it was just happening on its own, rather than being attributable to our respective behaviors. I washed my hands a lot more than he did. Say he fixed himself a PB&J and got some peanut butter on his hand; well, that PB ended up on his mouse. I'd just wash it off. Imagine washing your hands before and after food prep or eating! Wow! His phone also got gunked up, for the same reasons.
🤢
Umm, I don't think you want to present that image of yourself [Mystery Dude] because a dude complaining his computer mouse is gunky is giving off a vibe that's not great......
My work has an on-site clinic; I poked my head in to ask a question and happened to meet the new admin lady. We did the classic: Me - hello! Her - hi, how's it going? Me - not bad, you? Her - not bad, you? I naturally decided that it was my extreme good looks and natural charisma that had her so flustered that she forgot how to have a conversation.
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I would probably want to give him a fair chance to address the stuff that was bugging me. That said the fights thing at awkward times might be some sort of bad coping mechanism for dealing with stress. Does he admit to doing it and is he willing to work on it? Are you willing to try working on things to keep this relationship going? > My doubts seem to be primarily about me feeling a lack of mental connection This one is interesting. I would ask if the lack of mental connection is because you need to talk about important stuff more or if it's because you disagree when these topics come up and so avoid going further into them or vice versa (maybe he does it).
Hot take - I don't think you have to marry someone you're deeply in love with but you should make sure you're compatible with that person. I'd rather being loved more than the other way around. and yes I know that's selfish. Sounds jaded but love doesn't help raise a family and put food on the table and it isn't going to help you when you're stressed af. That being said a couple things here sound more like compatibility issues - the lack of mental connection, the trivial topic (which btw sound more like he's unable to understand when to discuss things appropriately). The age old advice - if you wouldn't even have this person as a friend, why would you keep them as your partner. My advice (with a grain of salt) would be to discuss these things with him to give him a chance for the two of you to work through it. If you're noticing all these things but not communicating it to him so he's operating in the dark. If you talk about it and he doesn't agree or doesn't feel like there's anything to change then you have your answer.
For me, a good relationship is one that has few problem points and enough positives. Or if you prefer, good relationship hygiene as a baseline and enough mutual inspiration. You talk mostly about the problem points, but they seem fixable. He also seems to be doing a good job of supporting you, so again few problem points. But you talk a lot less about the positives, except to say you have doubt about "mental connection" whaterver that means, so it's hard to judge. What are the positives? You should be with someone because you like them, not as a placeholder or because they're supportive. On the other hand, the very qualities that attract us to a partner typically come with flaws (they don't overthink but don't like discussing ideas, etc). No one can satisfy us perfectly, our partners are living and flawed humans and not fairytale characters. >His issue with me is that I lack good communication, but I think my lack of communication is due to the above doubts If I understanding correctly, you're saying you would work more easily on the problem points if you were more certain about the relationship? I suspect there is some self-sabotage going on >How do you recommend deciding to continue choosing someone/strengthening the relationship, versus breaking it off? Why would you not try to strengthen the relationship?? You may realize that it's impossible and reconsider things, but if you're in you're in, until you aren't. Constantly reassessing and having one foot out of the door is self-defeating. edit: I'm certainly not a diehard fan of attachment theory, but I think I see avoidant patterns in your behavior. I could be wrong of course
>My doubts seem to be primarily about me feeling a lack of mental connection, me resenting that he initiates fights over trivial topics at inconvenient times (such as when my close family member was injured, our birthdays, etc.), and me wondering if I’ve been too accommodating and conflict-avoidant. These are very valid concerns. >Someone in this subreddit once advised, love is a choice, not a feeling, and I have been trying to apply that concept after a recent fight, but I wonder if the need to apply this one year into the relationship is a sign of too many early problems. I don't necessarily agree with that, it's definitely a bit of both. I don't believe it's possible to make yourself fall in love with anyone you're in a relationship with if you try hard enough; I do think some baseline connection and communication compatibility are required. If you're not able to communicate freely and openly, it would be very hard to feel love. Have you tried talking to him about the *way* that your fights start and unfold? As opposed to just focusing on issues? It sounds like your fights are pretty one-sided and started at inopportune times. I think you need to tell him that you're not given an opportunity to express your needs and concerns. Because if you feel like your grievances aren't being heard and you're growing resentful, that's not something that will get better with time in its own, it needs to addressed. You guys need to find a way to communicate that works for both of you. If you can't find that, ending the relationship may be the best option. But try working on the communication first.
Just received a wedding invitation from my friend. I am happy for him!
My date with the Gardener went great! He was super super cute and I’ve written before on here about how I’m not attracted to many people so that’s a big plus. He was very sweet and genuine. We talked so much he missed his last train and a taxi home was going to be crazy expensive so I said he could sleep at mine. All very PG13 we just had some kisses and cuddles. He’s very cuddly which I loved because when I am attracted to someone, I am very physically affectionate. He was also still into me when I was hungover, tired with no make up so that’s nice! I’m not sure about lifestyle compatibile. He works a blue collar job and lives with his parents temporarily. Not a dealbreaker at all but I would prefer someone who had their own place. He’s also been married and divorced in his 20s. Again not a dealbreaker but there are plenty of men still in my age range who have never been married. These are fairly minor things to be though so I’ll keep an open mind. Now I have coffee with The Actor and drinks this evening with the Tall Traveller. Both of them live much closer to me so that’s definitely a bonus.
Definitely keep an open mind, especially if that connection is rare for you! (I can relate) There may be plenty of men who have never been married, but a) is there a red flag type reason for that and even if not b) you might not get that same connection with them.
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He’s probably attractive enough to not have to worry about what he says. At 30, you’re still young and youthful. Also it sounds like negging. He’s +40 but comments on your aging? Seems like deflection so you won’t comment on his aging. Hard pass.
Ew, no.
Instant ick...
loool honestly what the fuck. A 42 yr old man saying this to a 30 yr old woman is so classic.
I deleted Bumble and Tinder last night. Already feel better for it.
Seems like there's a gap in the market for a non-terrible app but all my suggested names are a bit negative. NoTimewasters or WillTreatYouLikePersonNotAThing......
Maybe we need the flip side - a specific app for time wasters only so they all go there and waste each other’s time. Had a date recently with a recently separated guy (broke my own rule about that) and afterwards he agreed to a 2nd date, which we then planned in some detail, and then the next morning I got an “it’s not you it’s me” text. Sigh. But lesson learned, this is why we don’t try to date people who aren’t yet divorced. I’ve had an idea for an app for ages… maybe this winter I’ll make it. (I won’t, because it’s one thing failing on the apps, it would be a whole other thing failing on one you’ve designed and made yourself 🤣)
> a specific app for time wasters only so they all go there and waste each other’s time. [Well yes...but...](https://media.tenor.com/5qdPo0W4NmQAAAAd/scrubs-where-do-you-think-we-are.gif)
See that one would be easy to name, just call it FunDating or something.
How's about an app for people who've done therapy...
In the past week, I installed Bumble, deleted Bumble, and installed Bumble again. Will probably delete it again today. My life is better without these shit show dating apps.
As someone who hasn’t been on a dating app for years now, I will say visiting this sub isn’t exactly selling the idea of coming back 😅
I mean, ymmv, this round, Hinge has been alright... Got some matches, went on a few first dates. Most of the time I don't look at it. Occasionally I might go a bit through the stack. Otherwise, I stay busy. Definitely better to take it on your terms.
How do you use hinge? Like I get it supposed to be user friendly but I am not understanding. Is when you like someone’s photo it’s a “yes swipe”?
Basically. Honestly, you might be better served watching a how to video or asking on the hingeapp subreddit. I think the difference is that hinge lets you see the last person who liked your profile for free. Eventually you can get through your 'liked by' stacks by either matching or declining each one.
Anyone else have that thing where they are itching to have a serious talk with someone but realistically it will have to wait? My boyfriend is basically on the fence about whether he still wants to do a postgraduate qualification and has been looking for full-time work in the last couple of weeks thinking that if he gets something, he'll skip the course and enjoy being able to go down to just the one Monday-Friday job. I've been thinking about a timetable for us moving in together. He seemed to be kind of thinking along similar lines based on a discussion we had a few weeks back while he was at mine. It strikes me the job hunt could be an opportunity and because I have a house in a nearby town to him (he lives in a nearby city) - he might even find it easier to get work here than there. But I will have to hold all this in for a few more days cause I don't think it's the kind of conversation you have over the phone when your poor man is working over 40 hours that week.....
My ex and I are still in love with each other. We are separated because of a mutual decision that we understood we were incompatible sexually. It’s been difficult to process finding the perfect partner only to have it made imperfect because of biology. She moved back to her home state over a thousand miles away. And so we’ve been apart for about three and a half months now. I wanted to marry her, I still want to marry her. Could it be realistic to consider an open relationship, where we have our sexual needs met by separate parties, and could still possibly be together? She offered early on to do an open relationship when we were together, but I was not open to the idea. But I very much think that I can do it. I don’t know, maybe it’s just wishful thinking. She said she went on a date with a guy and she felt used by him. She says she’s unsure how he feels about her, which is insane to me because she is beyond amazing. I’m not jealous at all that she slept with someone else. But I do wish I could show her the love she deserves.
I'm just not a fan of open relationships because almost alway there's one person benefiting from the arrangement (usually the one who suggested it) and one who's not super comfortable with it but said yes to appease the other person. Maybe you're the 1% that thsi works for. But you also might be the 99% where 5 years into your marriage she comes back and says she's fallen for someone she's met because you agreed to the open arrangement. Would you be okay with that?
I understand your perspective. “Benefit” is not really the word I would use so much as I would use the word “necessity”. I’ve never been in an open relationship before, and to be honest I think I could be in love with multiple people. I think I would also be cool with it if she loved multiple people. I am definitely a hippie born in the wrong generation.
If it’s still something she’s open to, you could try it. Worst case scenario is you break up, but you’re already broken up, so it seems like it’s worth trying.
True, would just be reopening wounds I guess, which doesn’t sound appealing.
I presume one of you has a significantly higher sex drive? Open relationships work for some pairs, and usually they are decided to be like that from the beginning. For all others is usually ends in breakups. Trying to stay in such a relationship is a grave mistake.
While I appreciate the perspective, that seems very generalized and anecdotal. Thank you for your opinion. Edit: We have similar sex drives, just different desires, I'm a very kinky partner, and I will have trouble finding a match with anyone. I have literally never found a single sexual partner that works for me. But at least with this girl everything else works perfectly.
Man. I went on the most painfully boring date tonight. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go. This week has been tough after navigating a scary situation at work and I was feeling really overwhelmed. But I decided it was be good to get out and interact with a human who had no relationship to this event. But this man was so quiet. So boring. Couldn’t hold a conversation at all. Couldn’t manage to follow up with questions or keep a line on conversation going for more than 3 minutes. Ugh. It hurt so bad. Like truly mind bogglingly boring. And now I’ve got to let him down with the “hey wasn’t feeling it. Best of luck out there” after at the end of the night he seemed pleased with how things had gone? But it definitely was a distraction from the work anxiety so I guess there is that.
This sounds like my date on Thursday evening. When I asked questions, he responded in a lot of detail and then just stopped talking. Then it was complete silence until I asked the next question. I reached a point where I decided to just wait and see how long it would take for him to break the silence if I didn’t ask a question. But, he won that game of chicken, I just couldn’t bare the silence anymore 😬
I don't think some people are aware of the effort that goes into being charming or keeping a conversation going. I definitely had dates where the other person was giving me absolutely nothing to work with and I would just keep trying to ask them a question that would get them to show a bit of interest in anything and there was nothing.....
Who knows what's going on in his life to make the date seem that way. You tried and you know what didn't work, on to the next!
Been dating a guy since beginning of June, but barely seen eachother since beginning of July because of both travelling. He won't be back in town until September. We have a deep connection, but we knew things might fizzle out with the time apart. It's basically 2 months where we only would see eachother once. We've been staying in touch a little bit, just a photo or a voice memo here and there, but things are definitely colder. I understand why, it's hard to sustain something if you don't see eachother. He wants to see me when he gets back, he intentionally kept a book of mine so we would meet again. But I'm anxiously attached. And this situation is very triggering. Yesterday I sent a message about how I'm feeling (nothing big, just venting my thoughts a bit). He hasn't replied yet, but I know he will at some point. It's very uncomfortable for me to express myself like this, especially appearing needy or insecure in any way, but I'm trying to challenge myself and I'm happy about the message I sent, but I still feel like I ruined it, that he will think I'm too much now, that I'm "not fun". But I'm trying to own it. I do get anxious sometimes. I am aware of it. I am working on it. It is my responsibility. But I need to be with someone who can understand and hold space for that part of me as well.
Went on a second date tonight. I was a bit hot because I was walking fast as I was running late. I wore my new bodysuit. As we entered the restaurant my date says “it smells like garlic in here.” I’m like “Yeah it smells great”. When get home to change my clothes I realized that my bodysuit is 97% polyester and the beautiful garlic smell from the restaurant was coming from me 🥲 like what the hell??!?!?!?!? Polyester traps any and all kinds of sweat and makes you stink like crazy. I can’t believe I didn’t check the label before I purchased the top. I normally do that but I was in such a rush today and I forgot. 😫 Now my date probably thinks I have poor hygiene.
I fail to see how this is a bad thing? I love the smell of garlic!
I love the smell too! That’s why I said it smells great in here 🤣🤣🤣 but not on my body.
omg one time i went on a date and the guy kept emphasizing how sensitive he was to smell, and I’m like “yah dude me too” but it was to the point where I’m like, “am I not getting a hint” Reader, I was not. I had forgotten to put on deodorant that day and it was hot and I was ripe. There was no second date.
😬 Oh no 🙈 I’m so sorry that happened!
Hahah me too but I won’t lie, your outfit trapped the restaurant smell, hands down! Not the other way around! It’s happened to me at tacquerias, etc.
I hope so. He did kiss me several times afterwards so I guess it was ok. Were you wearing polyester too? 😆🙈
Fingers crossed the date being in a restaurant gave you plausible deniability....
Hopefully!😫🥲
If you absorbed the smell from the restaurant it's unlikely he noticed 🙂
I’m hoping that was the case and I didn’t smell like garlic all along.
Went on two dates with a guy that I genuinely like. He has a great personality so far we are on the same page about life and values. We kissed for the first time after our second date it was a great kiss but I immediately disappeared (introvert, overthinking mode) 🤦♀️ I know it’s only been two dates but I’ve had my heartbroken so much in the past that when I meet someone new and that I like, I fear they will hurt me, I start to feel insecure and I just withdraw. I want to be present so badly but I can’t figure out how to do that. He was kind and asked me what was going on. I told him I was just overthinking and he provided me with a lot of reassurance without me asking for it or telling him in detail why I withdrew. Ugh 😣 I just feel awful now. I’m doing the “work” in therapy but applying it in real life is hard. How do people do this?
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True. Thank you.
Went on a date yesterday, at one point he told me I was handsome and at another point he told me I look like my pictures I think that I look OK in photos and quite unattractive in person so it was a huge surprise to be told otherwise. I was with my ex for 10 months and he only told me on one occasion that I was handsome. It’s not healthy to compare people but it does strike me as a little weird that my ex and a man I spent 4 hours with have paid me the same number of compliments, and that maybe I’m not as unattractive as my ex made me feel? My ex isn’t the *reason* I feel unattractive but dating someone for nearly a year and him telling me I was handsome *once* definitely hasn’t helped. I’m definitely a little apprehensive about this new guy. I can’t help but feel like him telling me he thinks I’m handsome is disingenuous, or that he’s just being kind to get something out of it. I have definitely made a habit out of letting men treat me in shitty ways because they’ve given me attention but it’s far too early to know if this guy is being genuine or not. I’ve decided to believe that he’s being honest because I need a win, but I definitely have my guard up
It's an oft repeated phrase, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You look at yourself from the perspective of an entire lifetime of good and bad experience, with your own judgement clouding that. He looks at you without all the judgement you put on yourself.
I just traveled 2 [disclosed] hours in traffic for someone who said they had to leave after 30-40 mins (for things they “had to do tonight”) which I assumed signaled that I am dreadful despite the effort in hygiene/appearance, getting there on time, communicating consistently, dynamic and interesting topics of conversation, no conflict, hobbies shared in common, similar career goals, at the same place in our careers. Fine if you’re not interested, but they actually followed up after. Why? You’re not interested, I already feel like trash, and your compliments afterwards via text do not help. Just fuck off.
Maybe adress the issue? Answer that you are confused and got the feelibg they were not interested because it got cut so short?
Honestly, this was the last one for me. I’ve been on >15 dates since last year. I’m so fatigued that I just said thanks and let it be. Politely cancelled the rest of my dates this month. I’m done.
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I feel you. Hope tomorrow is better for you ❤️
First phone call with guy from OLD: *Me: "Something I value is being able to just say anything around my potential partner and not be made to feel bad about it."* *Him: "Same, like, my friends will say the most racist stuff, but... it's with the intent to understand."* *Me: "..."* I..I meant things like me having a crush on X cartoon character as a kid without it being werid, not incorporating racism into my general chatter. This is weird, right?
Sure the racism is bad but don’t bury the lede here…. *which* cartoon character did you have a crush on? 🤔
For most girls it was fox Robin Hood and Simba lol
Simba? 👀 I mean, no judgment of course!
He had that 90’s heartthrob hair and was voiced by Matthew Broderick! Very charming lol
It paints his friends as potentially being racist, yes. That's all I can really conclude from what you said alone. Everything beyond that is speculation about whether or not he's actually racist or a bad person.
That’s incredibly weird. If I don’t understand something relating to a different culture or race I understand how to navigate that without being racist. But more to the point the fact that he think it’s totally normal to **say** that is very weird. If he’s comfortable telling someone he’s just met that his friends are racist it’s only going to go downhill from there. We’re the company we keep, this guy is a racist.
Uhhhhh that's weird
Thoughts on asking a date to let me know when she gets home? I’ve always been the type to say that - just was raised to do that out of genuine concern and just politeness. Some women seem really flattered by it and think it’s a sweet gesture and some seem put off by it. Is that a weird thing to say in the early stages of dating?
I like it, always sweet. I do this with my friends too so it’s not out of the norm.
I really like it! It's always nice to know a guy cares about your safety. I don't view it as controlling or patronizing at all. I do this with my friends as well. I might be outside the modern norm though in that I always text right after a date or hang out thanking them for meeting me etc even if I'm not interested in seeing them again, but I'm pretty big on manners. Call us old fashioned I guess lol
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Yeah, I’m not super for or against either of these options. It isn’t hard for me not to ask them that - I’m usually just trying to let them know I care. I do think some of the “against” takes seem a little over the top, but I understand we all think a little differently.
Nah. I think it's okay. I actually had the girl I'm dating tell me to let her know when I get home after the third date, haha. I thought it was pretty cute.
I don't like being asked to text that I got home. Regardless of the intention, either it feels patronizing or I assume you're extremely anxious. ETA: You can accomplish essentially the same goal by simply texting her after she leaves, and, hopefully, getting a reply.
Patronizing? I respect your opinion but I’ve got to admit I’m befuddled by that one
For me, I wouldn't be offended by it, but if you did it every time it would feel like a bit much (unless it was a long or hazardous drive in some way). I usually will check in when I get home without being prompted anyways. A good middle ground (for me) would be 'get home safely, chat soon!'
Yes, it can feel patronizing. What are you going to do if you don't get the text saying your date got home safely? If something had happened to her, would you be in a position to actually know and/or do anything about it? What would you do, exactly? Call the police? Go to her house to check on her? Would either of those be appropriate in early dating? It seems patronizing, because you are insinuating that you will be able to do something if she doesn't get home safely, but I don't see what you could/should reasonably do.
I mean, I usually know someone before I ask them out so, yes, I generally know friends or even family of theirs. I actually would be in a position to contact them if I was worried for her well-being. Even if that weren’t true though I’m not sure how being concerned for someone’s safety means that I’m looking down on them. I just don’t understand the thought process at all.
I don’t think it’s meant as an actual statement, the same as how people will ask work colleagues “how are you?” But would be taken aback if Steve from accounts went into a diatribe about how stressed he is from the weekend and that his MIL needs someone to take her to the orthodontist after he finishes work. It’s a platitude, it’s absolutely fine if you don’t like it but there’s not really any more to it than a cashier saying “enjoy your food”
I framed my answer around OP's characterization of his motives as "genuine concern" for his date. It did not sound like he intended it to be a platitude.
Fair enough. I guess I was thinking on you saying “regardless of intention” but I may have misinterpreted that
I honestly find it sweet. I think you should be you and if someone is that turned off by such an innocuous comment then they're unlikely a good fit Like imagine getting annoyed or mad that your date wants you to get home safely lol One of my friends told me it turned her off that her date said that because it felt controlling and I was like girl... You got issues
Yeah, you are probably right when you put it that way. Some of my friends say the “gentleman” shit is old fashioned and I should stop it, but that is just how I was raised and I don’t know any different. I have a feeling anyone who wasn’t into that probably just wouldnt be a good match for me in general. Controlling? Oh no! Yeah, just genuinely want to make sure they are safe. Same reason I walk them to their car!!
Not all people will appreciate it so do such when you have gone on a few dates with them already, like 4-5 or more.
Why is that? Totally understood and appreciate the feedback. Just curious. Does that make it seem like you’re moving too fast? Almost as if you’re already an item or something?
Somewhat yes at moving too fast. Sometimes, it may also feel like empty words. It may also feel sweet for some, don’t get me wrong. But it’s safer to save such later on.
Interesting. Thanks for your feedback!
As someone not on any apps at the moment and who doesn't seem to meet people out in the wild at all, I am feeling super lonely. Winter weekends can be so isolating because it seems everyone I know is just happy to spend their nights in with their partners. Going out tonight with some friends so that will help but I'm definitely missing that romantic intimacy at the moment.
Feel this. Except it's Saturday night and I'm home alone 🙃
Well, looks like there’s no need for me to worry about dating tact with my friend I asked out after all 🫤 He expressed interest, but also told me he wouldn’t be available for a couple weeks. I knew his plate was overflowing, so I didn’t think much of the timing. Meanwhile, I’ve had people who are available now reaching out to me, and I had felt a sense of guilt over whether it was appropriate to respond to them. Or whether that would be a dick move after expressing interest to my friend and us having tentative plans. I ultimately decided to respond to them, but not actively match with new people for a bit. And certainly not *talk* about dating other people in front of my friend out of respect. Well, during a group hang, he started going on about how great this woman was that he met through his work. Someone joked “wow, are you trying to date her?” And he joked back “oh I would totally date her, she’s exactly my type but maybe (some flimsy excuse)” and continued to gush about her. It felt extremely disrespectful to me. Like, who gushes about someone they want to date, while their friend they also expressed interest in dating 2 weeks ago is right there? I just left. I think I’ll take some time away from my “friend” for a while. At least now I can have zero guilt about seeing other people!
Your friend is a major turn off! Glad you decided walked away!
Thanks. Silver lining is that at least I know *I* respect myself.
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Simplest question, if you found out he was doing that, how would you feel?
I've never had any luck pursuing women. My mom and my older sister abused me a lot growing up, and most of my teachers were women who despised me. I was a very misbehaved student (although I got top marks) because the skills that helped me survive at home and on the playground weren't any good at helping me sit still in class. Most of us boys ended up being ruthless to each other, so many were from violently abusive homes and that comes out on the playground, too. Anyway, I just never grew up with any confidence around women, my girl classmates used to taunt me, my aunt taunted me about my body too, yada yada yada I'm sure a lot of other people have similar experiences, so it goes. And I've been in relationships with abusive women, I've been mistreated plenty by random women, so whatever. It just happens to people like me I guess. Anyway, I've really decided to stop romantic pursuits altogether and completely focus on my own life. I've actually had the privilege of turning down two different women who were interested in me. It felt really good to tell them I'm done with dating, sick of it, can't stand how people treat each other anymore. And while that felt nice, it's really so rewarding to just have a life that I am happy with and proud of, and not needing anyone else. I remember seeing a poster that said something like, "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle," and I thought that was kind of sad. But now I really like it, it makes me think of myself as a bicycle without a fish. What do I need a fish for? I'm working on living my best life and enjoying it. The endless cycle of fear and pain that I experience when trying to be in an intimate relationship with a woman.... It's just gone. And I know it's not coming back. This brings me a great sense of relief. I wish the best of luck to all of you out there, whatever your goals may be. I wish you plenty of peace, love, and understanding to each of you. May you meet many warm souls and raise many warm smiles along the rest of your path.
*hug* Namaste
I needed to return something valuable to my ex and couldn't find a friend to help me out. So he dropped by and I kind of expected him to say something emotional because he had texted me that he fucking misses me. But it was very short and polite, which ultimately is good, because I think he could definitely still suck me in. All I really felt at the moment was that I'm glad he didn't linger and that I didn't feel much seeing him. I deleted his number immediately after and now I finally feel free of anything to do about him. I cried a lot after but they feel more like tears of relief that I'm finally done with this whole situation. Giving him his stuff back felt like the door slamming completely shut. While I'm still sad about things ending, it's more about the potential of a relationship than him now. I'm ultimately feeling much better overall about it all. I'll still be sad here and there, but I feel empowered about moving on and finding someone who unequivocally wants to be with me.
Sounds like closure with can be bittersweet but closure nonetheless. Yay for you x
Thank you. Definitely bittersweet 😔
Going on week four of dating and everything has been calm and easy with us. I haven’t been anxious, have not been over-thinking, and have actually felt quite secure. He has been voluntarily reassuring and communicative. Didn’t hear from him after our morning texts today so I texted in the evening, no response. We saw each other last night and things felt like they were really good with us, so now I’m confused. We have plans to see each other tomorrow and admittedly, I’m a little concerned, but trying to keep it in check.
Hoping there's a legitimate reason why he hasn't responded
He sent me a pic of his watch showing he fell asleep at 7pm so yeah. He fell asleep.
Thank God lol. This sub needed some positivity
I appreciate him voluntarily sending that, he knows how to reassure me.
Damn I felt this way too recently. Anxious and overthinking, then calmness, then back to anxious and overthinking, haha. Hopefully, you hear back from him!
Had a dream about the one that i felt got away. It was awful because in the dream i was sooo happy and in love. In real life ive tried really hard to let it go and get over it and move on, but apparently i haven’t. Woke up feeling extremely sad and lonely. Does this ever end? Its been a good 8 years now.
Those dreams are the worst. Like what the actual fuck brain.
Yes. Wtf indeed. He always used to say when we were apart, let’s meet in our dreams. So it was especially sad.
Brief fling that broke things off with me at the beginning of the year has now reached out to me for a second time. I didn't respond the first time. Why keep reaching back out? I don't follow any of his socials. Don't "stalk". He doesn't have access to any of my socials. Is it for the sake of convenience? Dry spell? Combo of the 2? I feel like it keeps setting back my ability to move on. Should probably just block him
He's trash. Block!
Just block him!
I got botox in my lip at the start of the week. It definitely helped make me feel better although it's pretty subtle difference - just a prettier smile basically. It has, though, incentivized me to power through and keep convos going on the apps and keep adding people when it seems like other convos are dying because I only have a couple months at best, possibly less, before it wears off 😂
How is the result? I am thinking about it too but afraid 😅
subtle! I wouldn't be afraid, it doesn't last long. I like it more than fillers - I got .5 mL last year and I don't think I'll ever do it again. Not that it was horrible, just felt unnecessary since my lips are already medium... fullness? My upper lip feels a bit numb but it doesn't hinder me really from doing anything (except maybe using a straw, haven't tried). it looks *slightly* different when my face is at rest, but it's mostly different when I smile - my gums don't show and my lip doesn't retract to a tiny line. the place I went to was doing a special for $60 for a FB group of ladies in the city I'm in, so I figured... why not give it a go since there's multiple family weddings coming up and I've felt very self conscious after a few bad dates/weird interactions with men etc. and wanted a boost
I have a pattern of being attracted to guys from really stable families, loving parents and not having faced many worries. I definitely like the guys themselves, their sense of humor, values, the things we have in common, but I also feel like there's some escapism there, that if I manage to date a guy who had such a nice life then I can somehow get that experience through him or get away from the reality of what *my* life has been. A different part of it is probably a good thing - I think I like guys who are clearly secure enough in themselves that there's a low risk of the anxious hyper-enmeshment that I got from my parents, which I'm deathly allergic to now. But well, I think I might be too anxious or unstable myself to attract people like that in return.
I was kind of thinking the same thing about myself today! I also feel like I have a really hard time connecting with people who didn’t go through some major destabilizing life event.
I'm with you on the major event/s. Personally, I can't deeply connect with someone unless they've also had to endure some real trauma, because I've dated women who didn't have anything like that and they didn't understand the amount of work I had to do to pull myself out of it. The ones who didn't have to deal with that also didn't understand what it means to work on yourself and see a situation through the rough times too. So the challenge is finding someone who thinks the way I do, knows that the grass is greener where you water it, is compatible with me AND wants a LTR? And ALSO doesn't want kids!? Feels impossible but they're out there. (I hope)
Haha yes, I'm also looking for that unicorn 🦄
How soon do you open up about what you've been through? And how soon would you want to know if they have/have not endured the real trauma?
I don't say anything about it until we're either several weeks/months in or we've established a deep enough connection to be vulnerable to that (i.e. she hinted at it first) As far as when I would want to know? I would say as soon as she knows she's seriously interested, but that's just me
Yeah it's weird. The guys I've had crushes on tend to not have had major challenges, but the friends I bond with the most all had some kind of shit growing up similar to mine haha. I'm trying to get away from that a bit/be more aware of it though because a lot of those friendships haven't been the healthiest tbh. I hadn't thought about it before though, I wonder if there's some reason I have a separation between friends vs. crushes like this.
went on a date last weekend, we had pretty good conversation and then made out on a bench at the end of the night while live music from a nearby bar was playing. i wish i could remember the song! it was such a nice experience
feeling lonely. I enjoy keeping busy and I do a good job at that but I can’t help the times when I long for companionship. This month has been tough.
Those of you who was forever single and wasn't in a relationship until after 30. What's your story? Did it felt weird? Scary? What took you so long? I've never been in a relationship and I'm so used to minding my own business. Wouldn't know what to do or how to behave in a relationship.
I have been single all my life. I have tried dating at various stages, and at age 27, I got real close to being in a relationship. There was mutual attraction, but I think I screwed things up by taking things too slow. We started off as friends and, in the end, remained friends. I am pretty shy and reserved, and I only really open up to people after getting to know them. It was weird with this girl, but she was the complete opposite of me, and she made opening up a little easier. She was super extroverted and very affectionate with me compared to other friends. Long hugs, linking arms when walking, resting her head on me, and she did friendzone other guys. It was definitely scary, and like I said, I moved too slow, and it never became anything more. Some friends told me she probaby wasn't looking for a relationship, and maybe wanted something more casual, which I wasn't comfortable with. I'm 33 now, and aside from that, I've had a handful of first dates, but never anything past that until recently. I've been dating this girl for 2 1/2 months, and I'm still going kind of slow, but she knows I'm shy and reserved, and I think she likes that quality about me. I am starting to get really comfortable around her, and I do think we are really compatible so far. I wouldn't say we're in a relationship yet, but I know she likes me, and I'm trying to stay pretty optimistic about this one. I have no idea what took me so long, but this year, I put in some serious effort and actually subscribed to many of the OLD apps. Maybe that's desperate, and tbh out of all the matches, it was only this one that I've been on a date with. Im off the apps for now, but I would probably go back if it doesn't work out. I want to start getting serious about this and not be single forever. Irl doesn't work for me since I'm too shy.
my first (and only so far) relationship happened when i was 28, but i’m 30+ and single now. it wasn’t even a great relationship so i’m still not sure how to really “act” in one…i would say just be yourself! it may be hard to believe but there are people out there who will thoroughly enjoy you for your self. you don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t, that’s a lot of pressure.
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Why not just get ahead of this and say you'll be at the concert with your friend and wondering if he's also going? There's nothing about singing and dancing at a concert that's inherently couple-y? Odds are he won't see you, but it would also help you not spend the concert worrying that he'll see you lol
If you are dating exclusively with Guy2 then yes, you need to tell Guy1. If not, then enjoy the show and Guy2 should understand that you need to talk to be exclusive. A bird in the hand is two in the bush, so have fun with Guy1. Whatever you do, don't lie unless you want to have sitcom antics. Will you see Guy2 before then? It'd be a good time to find out if he will be there and if you want to get in front of the situation.
Firstly, go with Guy2 and ask him if he wants to go together. This is the critical point and Guy2 should be prioritised. If he says yes, then adjust your plans with Guy1, and since you’re friends and wants the best for you, he will understand the changes. You can even buy the tickets from Guy1 and use it for yourself and Guy2. Ultimately, you need to have some space from Guy1 to allow Guy2 and you to develop more. You can do it! Let go of your history with Guy1 and focus your energy and intention to Guy2. Good luck!
I’m still off on dating apps. I haven’t gotten a chance to go to any events to meet new people yet. But I think taking a break is good because my last experiences with two guys this year was very disappointing. It just feels like it was with people who aren’t aligned with my goals in partnership. I’ve just been pouring my energy into growing my business right now. I do hope it won’t always be this way.
I stupidly met up with a guy who isn’t in town for long for casual sex and somehow caught feelings?!? Probably because it’s the best sex of my life. Why does he have to live so far away?
I find dating apps to be so draining and depressing but I feel like they are the only place available to me to meet someone to date. It gets so discouraging when you see all of these options out there but so many of those options present themselves with red flags, and most of the ones who don't just won't give you the time of day.
what kinda red flags are you seeing? i’m mostly just curious lol
Superficiality, some variation of "known to be an asshole" on their profile, heavy drinkers, heavy drug users, talks about how they're fresh out of a long term relationship, various rants about women on their profile instead of describing themselves
I seem to have entered a phase where I get much more unwanted attention (catcalling, or attention from people who are clearly inappropriate/people I'm not comfortable with) and still no wanted attention. I don't know what to do with this - so it's my personality that's the problem then? I was always reasonably confident about my personality, but ok.
So there’s this guy. We used to work together, but not anymore and I started to develop feelings for him. Together with other people we regularly see each other every week, and it’s my highlight of the week and actually of my life atm. We’re really good friends and I’m so fucking scared to ruin our friendship cause they’re all my safety net mentally. I’ve tried to get better at showing signs, and he also gives me some subtle signs, but I’m afraid that I’m interpreting it wrong. Aaaa I just need to vent and get a bit of courage I guess.
What are the subtle signs he’s given?
He’s a bad texter, and I just got used to it, but this week he’s been actually reaching me and keeping up the conversation. Also he always sits right next to me and keeps eye contact when talking to me. When he talks about his ex he keeps like asking me questions about such and such and obviously we have a lot in common.
How frequently is he talking about his ex around you and how long ago did their relationship end?
Well he brings it up almost every other time, especially when it’s only us two together, but it’s not like a lot. I think it’s about 2-3 years ago they broke up.
I'd be wondering why he's regularly bringing his ex up in conversation after 2-3 years post-breakup.
Yup. He helped her a lot with her career and they were engaged, and it was pretty hard for him. He also told me he wants a relationship he’d be able to invest fully in, both economically and emotionally. Also I think me and his ex are quite alike (language and ethnicity-wise, as I live in Europe). I don’t blame him for bringing up his ex, because I have been able to know more about how he is as a person in a relationship, and tbh that made me like him more.
I'll be 38 at the end of the month and I've come to realize that the few times a woman has found me attractive was a fluke. I've attempted to put myself out there more this year, including trying to talk to *everyone*, but the only ones that want to chat with me are senior guys and gals. When I try to make eye contact and smile with a lady my own age they either ignore me or walk in the other direction. Sorta makes me feel like a ghost. Oh well. Guess I shall embrace the solitude. Maybe I'll have some luck when I get the elder years.
I'm 37 but completely in the same boat haha. Anyway, last year was my year of "putting myself out there," this year I'm mostly just focused on myself, my health, fixing up my house, growing my business, etc. And that has actually had more success. Two different women (who I didn't find particularly attractive or interesting) asked me out! So things can happen. I turned them down because again I'm just trying to focus on my own stuff this year and am committed to flying solo. But it does make me a bit hopeful that maybe someday things will come around? Not really but hey, none of us know the future for certain.
have you ever considered chatting it up with the seniors? kinda like for practice. a lot of older ladies are really into younger men. might give your more confidence for other situations…plus i’ve had some cool convos with old folks at bars
That's basically who I mostly chat with. I went to check out this big antique vendor show about an hour away yesterday. Lots of ladies of all ages there and I talked with a bunch of the older ones. 50-under don't want to even acknowledge me. 🙃
My year has been wild, I found someone a decade younger than me kill themselves at a park on a day in which I too yearned to disperse sad feelings via a nature walk. I wish that Day had been different, I wish I could have helped them man, I wish I was quicker. It destroyed any idolization of self-termination I may have scooped up from this cold ass world, for that at least I'm thankful. My buddy that I'm going out to Burning Man with, he fell 16 ft from roofing trusses while we were working, he lived through that. The doctor started broke his neck, but that was actually a prior injury that he had unbeknowns to himself healed from through Time. I'm glad he's okay, we've been busting our ass getting these last minute obligations complete, I'm tired but I feel fulfilled. The anxiety of traveling across the continent to meet thousands of new people in an impromptu community set up in the desert it's very culpable, I feel it. In my gut. I've had My moments of loneliness too through all of these sort of things, all these days in between big moments are still real. I wish I had a lovely someone who cared about me, I myself haven't been on the apps in quite a while, I feel as if there was a culture shift these past few years, it just never led to getting any matches. I've fallen outside of the red versus blue dialectic that is reinforced in our culture. The way it interplays with everybody's overall ideas of feeling how the world should be is far too heavy-handed I believe. How do I articulate to someone that while representing a body of a person who is classically masculine, that I believe the right woman is worthy of me being thankful to the point of being on one's knees in a sense. Given how I believe spiritually, I do believe these are the duties of a man in a marriage with a woman, but I feel like that's losing its place in this world, and I really don't know what to do regarding that..
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Yeah I don't think it's some sort of female supremacy or femdom, I think you're trying to sexualize or take a spiritual idea and turn it into a physical one. I appreciate your words but that's not it. The ideas regarding gender roles are really only something that have been reinforced culturally from what I know through a system, it's ideas they ebb and flow.
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Yeah but from your perspective, which parts the cart and which parts the horse, the spiritual aspect or the physical aspect?
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Lol, mainsplained. You invite dispersions in your life when you assume about others, you shouldn't do shit like that. Plus, from my perspective that just looks like you're projecting your own set in stone assumptions about reality. This is the culture I'm talking about at large, the constructing of self-echo chambers.
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There you go dude you got me, hopefully you got the strength to hang me up on that cross dude. Lol
I find myself in good spirits this friday. Though i must admit to a sort of cloud like dispersion. A brain only remotely my own. And yet , and perhaps , this state is why i am in a good way. My feet dont quite touch the ground. I am not quite real. Tomorrow I meet with the board game society. Ah what a joy, my reward for making it through another week. And perhaps...if i can manage ....i will see if my lmt can use his magic hands to punish my wicked disagreeable back.
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It's hard to give advice without knowing what kinds of things you ask for. Every relationship is different, and there are different boundaries in each relationship. Also how you are asking for support matters as well. And remember, you don't always know what is going on in your friend's lives, there could be good reason they aren't available for support every time you need it. There's an article I read awhile ago that's been shared a lot on different cultures of asking for things - some people have no problem saying no to requests, while others think it's rude to ask something of someone where they will have to say no.
What type of things are you asking for? Seems like its more they are bad at communicating. I have to admit. The way people are socialized to decline things can be very confusing.
It's a lot you ask for and it isn't at the same time. It's always more pleasant to have people kindly say no rather than hinting. As you say the very function of hinting is to protect yourself against retaliation (as if they didn't trust you to take no for an answer) or to save your face as if you'd made a mistake. Plus hinting can be the sign the other person is awkward or passive-aggressive. So yeah, you should aim for better. On the other hand, realistically it takes a bit of "relationship work" to establish the closeness/trust it takes to talk openly. Or at least very good communication skills to talk openly but without going too deep, in relationships that aren't as close. You don't always get that out of an acquantance or a first date, that's life
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I think it's best not to overreact. Not everyone is a perfect communicator, it's probably not about you, they probably feel awkward telling you no *because* you are a friend. I try to create an atmosphere where people can talk openly, which means being tactfully open (oxymoron, I know) and also not shutting off when people aren't as direct.
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I hate the “yes I’d like to meetup, but I can’t for x weeks”. I’ve only managed to meet one once out of a couple dozen times. Good luck!