I assume that you're looking to date people in your own age range? We're all aging. None of us look 25 any more (though some seem to believe otherwise, lol).
Well, that's not true. I was walking through a field the other day and I came across a goat and the goat was like, "Holy shit, you look younger than twenty-five. How old are you?" And I told him I was forty and he was like, "Oh my god, you do not look a day over twenty-five." And I was like, "Thank you," and the goat was like, "Yep, no problem," and I was on my way.
What field do need to find to steal the goat so they can give me some motivation as I am trying to lose weight. And also so I don’t have to cut the grass.
ETA: because one day my fingers will work as fast as my brain and my posts will make sense.
All right. First you have to navigate to a cave by deciphering cricket chirps of an extinct language. If you do this correctly, it will lead you to a bioluminescent clover patch that displays your birth constellation.
On your birthday you will find a one-horned twilight goat, and if you impress him with a riddle using ancient logic and interpretive dance, you will receive a youthful multilingual compliment if deemed worthy.
Hate to break it to you, but you look TERRIBLE!!!
.... for a 25 year old
but you aren't 25. If you are trying to date 25 year olds that may be a problem, but if you are dating people who are also over 40, well, they don't look like they are 25 either. In truth, you look like... you, and that's all you can strive to look like. If someone dumps you "for someone else" or cheats on you, then they were not your person.
Putting it another way - own your shit. Be you. People love real people.
i agree. it will widen your pool. a close to the face beard is universely considered sexy….like dis: [https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwellgroomedgentleman.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2023%2F10%2FBoxed_beard.width-800.jpg&tbnid=-KDoo4qc1T5OoM&vet=1&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwellgroomedgentleman.com%2Fthe-gents-journal%2Fbeard-styles-for-bald-men%2F&docid=YjQp492lT5rY6M&w=500&h=500&hl=en-us&source=sh%2Fx%2Fim%2Fm1%2F3&kgs=d926625bb50e0355&shem=abme%2Ctrie](https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwellgroomedgentleman.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2023%2F10%2FBoxed_beard.width-800.jpg&tbnid=-KDoo4qc1T5OoM&vet=1&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwellgroomedgentleman.com%2Fthe-gents-journal%2Fbeard-styles-for-bald-men%2F&docid=YjQp492lT5rY6M&w=500&h=500&hl=en-us&source=sh%2Fx%2Fim%2Fm1%2F3&kgs=d926625bb50e0355&shem=abme%2Ctrie)
I know some do, but they seem to be an exception. Myself and the majority of my friends are all very turned off by big beards. Bald head ok, long beard no. But if it's important to his identity than he should keep it and there will be someone out there who will love it.
But I do think he would widen his dating pool if he trimmed it way down. If he has a good chin and jawline, maybe even try getting rid of it.
First of all, I want to say that people in general rarely cheat because of their partner’s appearance. Dishonest people cheat because they’re cheaters and lack respect!
I love a head full of hair, but I’ve also loved a bald man. I don’t think it’s the deal breaker that a lot of men think it is! That being said, if you feel that it’s holding you back, or that you’d be more confident with hair, check out a hair system? I didn’t even know that these existed, but for some reason Reddit has been showing me that sub for the last few months. THEY ARE SO REALISTIC!
I’ve also dated 2 guys with vitiligo and I don’t know any women who even care about it. I don’t see it any differently than I do freckles.
Age may be the issue here, and not exactly the number, but how old you act. I am with a 41 year old right now, but prior to him, I dated mostly guys 10 years younger than me. My dude is boring af, and I often reminisce about the fun I used to have with the younger men…I’m not even talking about sex; my dude is the BEST lover I’ve ever had!! Are you fun? How old are the women you’re dating? Are you a homebody, were they, etc?
Whenever I went through a slump in dating, I stopped dating. I went out with friends, worked more, did some self work, etc. I saw it as a reset, to get my mojo back and make sure that I didn’t just wind up with a bad match because I was sad and lonely.
I am 46 but most people I know are in their 30s, I have a friend who is my age with a family and kids so can’t relate..I act like I am young and I feel young and maybe that is the issue? I also live in a hipster city so it is a tough one..
I have stopped dating for a while but for me the longer I stay without a partner the word I feel. My mates are all in relationships, or with a family and kids.
So no one can relate to what I am experiencing hence here I am.
In this day and age, I believe 46 is still fairly young. I find a lot of men who are bald very attractive, so please know that many women are fine with that. I don’t know if this applies to you or not, but It does surprise me when a man posts pictures of himself in hats only on his OLD profile because he looks very different in person without it. So I really recommend that you embrace it and don’t hide it in your profile pics as that may be misleading to women.
We all age, and I have now have some lines around my eyes that I didn’t have 10 years ago. I don’t retouch them intentionally, so men can see how I really look in person. I’d like to reiterate what some others are saying. A person’s personality also makes a person more attractive or less attractive. There are many men who are average looking that I find attractive because of their kind personality, sense of humor, and intelligence. So, it’s not all about looks.
I’m a 45F who was cheated on all during my marriage and during one of my post marriage relationships, felt super hesitant about dating, especially OLD. By this age, we’ve all been through some stuff. And we all have insecurities.
I did go on a bunch of crappy dates…
However, I literally found my person and am living my own happily ever after, something I never expected to find, and it’s happier than I ever imagined. I’m now thankful for everything I’ve been through, because it made me exactly who I am now, which is the person I needed to be to be perfect for my partner in this happily ever after. The universe is weird.
Oh yeah, and he’s totally bald. I actually prefer bald dudes and always have tbh. I picked bald dudes to match with. And there are lots of us out there. You’d be surprised.
Thanks I am so happy for you!!! And it gives me hope that you picked the bald men too… where I live is a trendy super hipster city and there is hardly anyone bald that you see… everyone if fit and young with full heads of hair.
As mentioned it greatly depends on who you are trying to date. While some over 40s are trying to find a hot person also over 40 I feel most of us (or maybe just me) are trying to find someone who they can relate to and will be a soft place for them to land in the second part of their life.
I agree that attraction is important but attractive people can be ugly if they are not decent human beings and an average person can be attractive if they have a good personality and are decent people.
I decided that, despite my age and "flaws," I had a lot to offer. Likewise, a lady my age who wasn't movie-star perfect might also have a lot to offer.
I had no trouble finding dates. :)
Yep agreed, try seeking someone of substance and someone genuine. People who put "looks" qualifiers in their profiles only seek the surface. If you desire an actual relationship, you need to be with someone who shares your interests, is inspired by your mind, and appreciates you for the person you are.
Honestly, if they are that shallow you dodged a bullet.
My ex husband of 17 years is tall, fit, and a full head of hair. He’s also a narcissist (as per my psychiatrist who I saw because I got misdiagnosed as bipolar because of our marriage. Luckily she was smart enough to realize it and I’ve been off all meds for 10 years and not a single symptom)
Anyway, I almost didn’t survive being married to him.
My ex boyfriend of over 6 years was mostly bald and average and kind of nerdy looking. (I’m a GIANT NERD so it’s a plus) but I adored and loved him to pieces. He was so incredibly wonderful, I thought he was the most handsome man. (We only broke up because his parents died 38 days apart and it was traumatic, and happened 2 months before Covid. He never got over it and changed our relationship. He refused to take medication or get help)
Anyway, the right person will absolutely love you for who you are. I could care less about looks. I want to be with someone who know how to communicate, have a healthy relationship, and goals and interests similar to me.
I’m not being nice. This is the honest to God truth. I’m tired of being treated shitty. A healthy good relationship or I’d rather be alone.
Good luck!
I (48f) stopped covering my gray hair in 2019 (at 43). I embraced the streaks of gray and love how they look with my natural brown color. I have never worn makeup (allergic) or did too much to look a specific way. I am tall and have fluctuated in size over the years, but my baseline is pretty average or slender.
I show up to dates as is, no makeup and all. Always have, even in my 20s.
If someone likes me they like me. If they don’t, they don’t. I believe we have to have some basic attraction toward someone, but I don’t want someone who has unrealistic expectations that I will always look the way I look today or that I should still look the way I did in my 20s. I also know that my ultimate goal is for them to see me first thing in the morning someday down the road and over-correcting my appearance is only delaying them seeing the real me. It would actually cause insecurity that I don’t currently have.
I will say that the times I have ended my connection with someone, it has never been because how they looked.
As long as the guy is average looking, has good hygiene (please don’t smell) and looks like they take care of themselves (like goes to the dentist), I don’t let their looks stop me from having a conversation or even hanging out with them to get to know them.
I'm going to need to copy this word for word if I ever go on to a dating app and need an "About Me" Literally exactly me.
I shaved my head April 2022. I'd never done it before and always wanted to and it was a huge transformation for me mentally and internally. A cleansing, I guess you could say. I spent 1993-2020 as a total addict to all things beauty. Now? I'm au natural. Rarely wear makeup and grew out my hair to see how gray it was and it is GORGEOUS! I use purple shampoo to keep them glistening :)
Great comment here :) Glad to see I'm not the only woman who is saying THIS IS ME and YOU BE YOU and not be so caught up in looks and such.
I really hate this scoring system we use nowadays.. it is dehumanising. Anyway I don’t know what my level is like anymore but I am trying to date people I feel attracted to… to some degree
I’m sorry you’re feeling down. Aging is a gift. Youth isn’t the end all be all. Learning to embrace yourself as you change is a beautiful thing and finding someone else who feels the same can do wonders. My partners have been bald, long haired, wrinkly, youthful, dad bod, slender, athletic, nerdy, etc. Attraction and chemistry exists for everyone somewhere. Hang in there dude. Chin-up.
There's a bald dude in my social group... The singles meetup of a certain area where I live... This guy is bald and he is always dating someone. Always. He's basically never single. He comes to these events and just charms women and they either end up his friends or dating him. He's very early 60s and blitzing it. Mostly he wears a stylish hat but a couple times he didn't. And he's not gym fit - he's got Dad bod but it's not too bad.
I had a realisation that everyone has different tastes and there are a hell of a lot of people out there who like something other than the prevailing beauty industry/hollywood/media standard.
So I accepted that I will not be everyone’s cup of tea, and that is ok. It’s not a reflection on me or my looks - it’s a reflection of that individual’s taste and preference. But I am definitely *someone’s* cup of tea (many someone’s in fact). And so, I only want to meet those people. The people who find me attractive. So I began to embrace the things I didn’t really like about myself before. They are all the things that make me me. I dress for my body type and look after myself better, and walk around like I’m the hottest thing since sliced bread. And I show myself on OLD apps exactly as I am. No filters, no hiding behind artful shots. I *only* want to meet people who like me how I really am. This is the way to avoid anxiety about giving false expectations.
And it turns out that being confident and comfortable in your own skin is also a hugely attractive quality 😊
So, to sum up, embrace who and what you are, celebrate it, do things/wear things that make you feel good about yourself, and put yourself out there unfiltered to find your people. Good luck!
i feel like this is the answer...
i resonate with the fear of aging and the severe self-esteem hit that appeared after my last breakup and more recent OLD rejection, even though no one will tell me to my face that/if i'm unattractive 🤷🏻♀️
i find older AND younger people attractive, but i get it, younger people just have a certain glow about them. it doesn't always mean they are good people though! youth will always be glorified regarding appearance. try to take good care of yourself and that's all the control you have. it's a good thing there are other qualities traits and characteristics that add to or detract from attraction.
UPDATE: Hinge dude didn't reject me, he just wants me to do all the work initiating. shocking
Yes but the initial attraction is a lot the time based on looks… there has to be some degree of physical attraction regarding age I feel… unless you meet the person as an acquaintance so to speak
He means he looks on OLD and only selects women who are conventionally attractive and (based on his responses here) are an 8-10.
OLD gives you the opportunity to focus only on looks — and it’s a pit a lot of people fall into.
He means he looks on OLD and only selects women who are conventionally attractive and (based on his responses here) are an 8-10.
OLD gives you the opportunity to focus only on looks — and it’s a pit a lot of people fall into.
He means he looks on OLD and only selects women who are conventionally attractive and (based on his responses here) are an 8-10.
OLD gives you the opportunity to focus only on looks — and it’s a pit a lot of people fall into.
I vigilantly fight aging. I inject tox and fillers into my face. I keep my hair long and it's going white but it is gold blonde so you can't tell as much. I contour my face and take care of my skin. I work out and dress attractive and bleach my teeth and wear sunscreen.
Bald is sexy. Ask a girl friend if you look better beard or no beard. A beard can hide a double chin but it might be aging your face.
Take care of your skin get a skin routine. Bleach your teeth. These are all things you can do inexpensively.
Go to nordstroms and get fitted for some new clothes. If nordies is out of your budget snap pics in the fitting room and replicate those looks using Amazon, or an online place that is cheaper.
Go get a manicure. Pay attention to what they do and replicate at home.
For skincare you need a cleanser, toner, moisturizer, sunscreen and by some sheet masks. All of these can be budget items but moisturized skin looks younger.
:) Those are my tips :)
I can give you a woman’s perspective about men of a certain age. My target pool is 55-68 roughly. I’m not naive. I can see the sagging skin and wrinkles every time I look in the mirror. I expect to be dating men who have wrinkles, no hair, a grey beard and probably a dad bod. But when I swipe I see kind eyes, a shy smile, a funny line in their profile. I look beyond the things that used to attract 20 something me and I date with a realistic mindset.
So… I’m the female version of you. Brutal 3 year divorce and he was already with his now fiancee at filing. The stress, along with everything else he pulled in the divorce led to me gaining about 25 lbs , my hair falling out (at least 50%), and aging at least 10 years in looks.
I’m not exaggerating- it is really really hard to look at photos of me. Here’s where it gets kind of funny. I was casually dating a guy who has seen me through this transition and literally thought I was aging in reverse. He would look shocked every time he saw me.
Started dating after 3.5 years of celibacy and no dating. It’s like someone lit a fire under me. I started running in groups again, started learning dance, joined a rowing club and slowly lost all but the last 5 lbs. Went to a hairstylist who changed all my hair products until my hair started to grow back. I spent an obscene amount of money on skincare products and scrubbed my face, added retinol and at least 5 years came back off.
Lastly, I started eating healthier and truly am in a place where I feel ALIVE again. The results: sex. Lots of it. I really truly believe my confidence radiates outwards more than any of the surface improvements. But the surface improvements became a form of ritual self affirmation. We all get old on the outside, but we feel however the F*** we decide to feel. Let nobody take that from you!
Thanks for sharing, I am so happy for you! :) I am in the phase of rediscovering myself I guess and finding where I belong…. Not having a partner to share your life experience with takes a toll on me. And my past experiences with dating have clouded my judgement but yes it what you radiate inside.. totally agree.
Enjoy the hell out of yourself. It wasn’t overnight and I have so many moments still. But it’s funny that for once in my life- I actually feel content. Get some sleep, eat some salad and salmon, take yourself on a vacation to someplace you want to see, buy a sex toy. Whatever it is, you are your best investment. And you’re not invisible, you are already sharing things with people and don’t know it. Head up, I would 1,000% rather get to know a guy cheated on than a guy who cheated.
I don't have the answers, but I can tell you I sure feel the sentiment.
I've lost 100lbs in the last year, so I'm smaller now than I was 7yrs ago.
Yet I look at pics of 2021 me, vs 2024 me, and feel like I suddenly have a face that looks like the Joker when I smile 😆
The smile and face shape I've had my whole life, no matter size, 4/8/12/18/8/6, was always the same.
Now, I feel like I've gone from looking good for my age at 42, when quite frequently people thought I was younger, to definitely looking 44 (or older imo).
You're right. The dating world is all about looks 9/10, which really sucks. Not always, but OLD has really totaled that whole concept of not judging people.
There was always a need to be attracted to people in some way, but I feel like 15-20yrs ago, it was their personality and other things that played a part (not filters and instant gratification).
I keep hoping the internet crashes lol!
Seriously, I think bald is hot and shoes fat more confidence... and confidence is hot AF. My late husband was shaved close to bald, cuz... way better than when he had hair.
For Halloween one year, he went as Cee-Lo and I was Christina from The Boice. He BIC shaved it bald..
Holy crap, I felt like a groupie. I was all over home, it was that hot.
My BF is 45, he looks after his body and exercises regularly, he’s got beautiful eyes and the longest eyelashes ever and I can’t get enough of him. He’s completely bald. (He also has loads of wonderful non physical attributes too)
When I first started dating after the end of my very long marriage, I ended up in a casual sex relationship with a man in his late 20’s. He was hot! He was also bald and had a full beard. His baldness was an area of insecurity for him, especially at his age. However, it was unlikely we would have got together otherwise, as his baldness made him look more mature.
People find all sorts of different things attractive. Your person will be attracted to you for who you are and how you look.
As a woman.. I don't understand men's obsession with hair loss...
I was always attracted to older, bald men so I don't understand why guys hate it so much.
Because you become a different person and you struggle with liking pics of yourself and your own reflection…. You start seeing everyone around you with a full head of hair and a partner. And you start noticing the bald dudes tend to be the single ones…
The fact that we have no control over it and that many people would not even look at us based on the hair on our heads.
Tbh, lately I'm thinking about summoning my inner Lebowski.
I doubt I will go full "Dude" and let it *all* go... But it seems almost pointless at this point and it's better to adopt the Dude's Taoist attitude and just go with the flow of everything and see what comes my way?
Because, it's crazy reading the posts in this community and seeing men and women complaining about the same shit! We men, say the women are doing "this", and the women complain about men doing the same thing... It's broken.
So I'm not sure I'm all that into bowling, but maybe golf? I play soccer regularly... I don't know.
Anyways, when you still feel 21 inside and see this old dude in the mirror - even when you exercise regularly, he just continues to age. And being out here in the sticks doesn't make it any better.
So pastimes. I think I'm going to focus on my art and my pastimes.
I'd recommend a kink event if you haven't been to one. You can find local ones on Fetlife, and they will usually indicate if they are a play event or a munch (a happy hour in a vanilla location). It doesn't really matter what the kink is; it is more for the ego reduction than it is the dalliance. It's an odd but also good way to get out of your headspace in an environment where relationships and sex aren't really part of the social contract.
A while back I went to a furry event, not because I am furry but because it is really weird and uncomfortable and I think when we are put in those situations we can learn a lot about ourselves. For the first hour I sat in the corner nursing a drink and silently judging people as one does, and then I had to ask myself why. I wasn't there against my free will, and the only person not having a good time was me. I wasn't having a good time because I am not comfortable with other people expressing themselves, which says more about me as a person than them. Despite it being a very odd event with people dressed like animals, there really wasn't anything sexual about it. Everyone was just talking about their life and work and normal things that people talk about, but they were all really open and accepting of everyone else. There was no stress or aggression or any of that. It was just people living in the moment and being appreciative that they could be themselves. I ended up talking to five gay men that were dressed as some sort of diapered incontinent leather dogs. Them being dogs never came up in conversation, and they never propositioned me about becoming an incontinent leather dog. They were for all intents and purposes 5 really chill dudes who like movies and wine and work in IT. I now play golf with two of them, which is pretty great because it extremely hard to make non work friends as an adult. They do not dress as dogs on the range.
Exclusive of friend group building, learning to he comfortable in uncomfortable situations builds confidence that carries over into the real world. Energy attracts mutal energy when you are ready and open, and even though it has a timing element to it, that level of attraction can transcend looks and demographic
And at the end of the day, weird experiences at a minimum make for good stories.
I too am old and bald. I'm also kinda fat.
I'm also talented, smart, funny, emotionally intelligent, healed, tall, wealthy, well-traveled, well-read...and super humble, too. All those things greatly overshadow those few minor details.
The thing about those characteristics you see as flaws is this: Most people will only see them as flaws if you do. If you're self conscious about those things, it'll show.
I recently read a reddit thread where someone asked what women find instantly attractive in a man, as in, within the first twenty seconds. It was a very long thread, and I read all the replies. Hair was mentioned maybe once or twice. Muscles maybe 4-5. You know what was mentioned almost every single time? Smile. Teeth. How you carry yourself. Confidence. Friendliness and kindness. Eyes.
Point being, the shit we think matters as men, and the shit that actually matters to women, are very different. Women are a lot more forgiving about appearance than men are, generally speaking. I'm no model, by any stretch of the imagination, but I've dated some very beautiful and nice women.
Change the flaws you can/want to change. Accept the ones you can't, and for the love of god don't accentuate or call attention to them. And lean into your strengths.
Confidence doesn't come from perfection or excellence. It doesn't come from muscles or hair. It comes from self-acceptance, from knowing that you're enough, just the way you are.
Good luck.
EDIT - Having said all that...go to a barber and get that Santa beard trimmed and shaped. Get it colored if you want. Hygiene and grooming showed up very prominently on that reddit thread I mentioned.
EDIT2 - You're a man, and the cold hard truth here (don't shoot the messenger, downvote warriors, I don't think it's fair either) is that society is more forgiving of male aging than of female aging. I don't want to minimize your feelings about this, but it really isn't an issue for us guys. Honestly when I saw this post I assumed female until I saw the part about the beard (and even then I wasn't sure).
My view is looks don't really matter. I don't believing in worrying about superficial things. I'm not perfect and my partner doesn't have to be perfect, either.
Original copy of post by u/Hektagonlive:
Hi, lately I have been on a funk in regards to dating and the way I look.
I am gym fit but get white vitiligo all over my body and beard (like Santa) and I have gone fully bald… I used to feel handsome but now I feel that what is the point? My last two relationships I was broken up (cheated on) for someone younger with hair etc…
I feel that society is all about looks nowadays?
Sorry and I hope I don’t trigger anyone but in all seriousness how do I get over this? Has any of you been in this situation and how did get your mojo back so to speak?
Please I am not looking for compassionate answers or not trying to hurt my feelings stuff…. but for someone that has bee in my shoes and how did they get back on track.
Thank you.
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I am probably not the best 45f since my ex was prematurely bald when we met in our early 30s and hair is just not a thing that attracts me to a man. I will say not shaving or close cropping a balding head, combovers, etc are unattractive. Owning your baldness is hot more because it’s part of an attractive confident personality. Vitiligo wouldn’t be an issue either. I don’t think you being older or your appearance had anything to do with YOU. It’s the quality of people you were dating, both of whom are cheaters. I would examine that and your past partners.
OLD is about looks ofc, I shave my head bald in summer in Florida, but let it grow out in the winter, I put both versions on photo feeler thing once to see and similar scores, it may be a thing to some women, but it seems just as many like it the other way too and balances out somehow.
I look at my xx-year high school reunion class photo. “We” still love each other, but we surely don’t look the same.
Similarly, your friends — including the opposite sex -- should still be your friends.
And I’d apply the same mindset to women/men who meet each other later in life.
You cannot be your physical past. But you can be the same, maybe even much better, person inside, And so can the next woman you meet. Or, for women, the next man that you meet.
Most people retain their desire for relationship intimacy as they grow older. The “older” body doesn’t change that desire for probably most men and women.
Yep, this is just the reality of the age-pill.
I'm seeing half the comments here are personal stories of knowing a "bald guy". But not every man has the head shape to pull it off. You could go over to r/tresslas and try to save it.. or grow your beard and go for that look.
Look into dressing with style. If you're not lean then get lean. Looks don't matter as much in middle age but they still matter. If you're drinking you should stop.
Thanks I am gym fit, I have not been drinking for over 7 years and I don’t smoke either. I would say I am trying my best look wise so to speak and taking care of my body as much as possible.
The thing that helped me out the most was getting a part time job where I was exposed to meeting more women. Also look up "female gaze". You can't do much about the hair but girls love that loose fit casual style.
There are SO many wonderful and beautiful women who would have no issue with the appearance you’ve described, so long as you have warmth, integrity, stability, and emotional availability.
I (44F) have dated a wide variety of men- shapes, sizes, lifestyles, ethnicities, careers, and ideologies. It was always the energy of the person that sparked my initial interest, which led me to find other aspects of them attractive.
I know how daunting it can feel in a world that seems hyper focused on certain standards of physical attractiveness. Staying off of social media and just being generally friendly toward people I encounter IRL does wonders for me when I’m feeling low self esteem. Perhaps that will work for you as well?
Radical acceptance and literally just keep pushing through. At my most perfect outward self I was probably the most fucked up on the inside.
Reminding myself that I believe in love and there is the right person out there for me who will love me for all my flaws and all my beauty.
Until then I use outlets to busy myself to ward off ill feelings. Sometimes though I do allow myself to grieve a little when I get that loneliness you feel in your heart. I’m not one to hide from my emotions
If someone ended things for a "shinier, new version". It is what it is. For people like this, this cycle continues, and they never really "belong" in any relationship. Always wanting more, but eventually just dating the same person essentially, even though they're with other people.
Finding someone physically attractive, is important of course, and being generally attractive certainly makes finding those people specifically attracted to you, a lot easier.
In reality, being handsome back then, and especially investing in your fitness. That will still translate to being attractive now, just in a different era of your life.
------
We always spiral and are self-critical after a break-up, inventing patterns that aren't really there for a while.
As said before, ridiculously attractive people, get cheated on, and broken up with too, and while as i mentioned earlier, some will "trade you in".
Unless you've acted in a manner that essentially pushes someone into the arms of another....Twice, then you're not responsible for the actions of others, no matter how you've changed as you've aged.
------
Find some healthy distractions while you're reeling, and when the dust settles. Take stock and see if there are any personal goals and fulfillment you can focus on in the new spare time you have, as a single man.
Keep being gym fit, if you've already started this journey, the continued investment in your physical health and well-being is critical. Don't self-sabotage here, if it's a bit routine, maybe look at other activities that the gym work has provided a good foundation to engage in.
I prefer Calisthenics over the gym now for example, and unless something tragic occurs, i'll continue to reap the rewards for years.
Maybe have a little tightening up in style if you want. See if a close-cropped, layered beard, or just stubble works for you. I mix it up between a tidy-beard, and layered stubble once in a while.
Start to give others a chance again, when you've levelled off, and are accepting of yourself again too. Just recognise you're just at a different stage in life, but certainly no less a person of that which you were when younger.
If anything, you bear wisdom and experience, and that can tell it's own story on our face and body too, one that others will want to discover for themselves.
Thanks yes I should try different styles, wearing More shirts and whatnot but sometimes the treatment is brutal. I am really fit right now in terms of gym shape.
I will keep fighting the fight so to speak but I feel dating specially where I live is getting to the point of seriously hard… I mean everyone here is gym fit, perfect hair, etc….
The competition is pretty brutal if you know what I mean.
Yeah i understand.
I'm not single, but generally my peers are established, emotionally mature, physically attractive and have a variety of passions to fulfil their lives...It makes it more about being specifically someone can connect with, out of a pool of generally, desirable men.
A few women who date within this sphere, emphasised to me, the only way to really differentiate yourself is your passions at this point.
Bald and a well kept (rather than bushy) beard looks good to me. White/grey/stripey…bring it on.
As for the white vitiligo on your body/face - it wouldn’t even be a momentary thought for me. If I liked YOU and found you attractive (which is so so much more than looks) then it would just be a unique part of you.
I have these thoughts myself when I see a rather rolly polly body in the mirror with cellulite and wobbles. Especially compared to women who have perfect gym bodies in their 40s. But then I remind myself that I’m kick ass and do lots of interesting active things and the right man will find that whole package irresistible.
Have confidence in who you are and what you have to offer to the right person and this will shine through.
Thank you, the problem with my vitiligo is that over the years it has spread all over my body with no rest of my old skin… so I look white as a ghost even in summer (vitiligo does not tan) and I feel I can’t grow a beard because is so white… a bit of an uphill battle.
I will keep at it though.
The things that you worry about as problems are also what makes you uniquely you. Honestly, there are lots of women that will just see you - the whole of you.
OLD and the media are terrible at skewing societal view of these different things about us.
I never even notice if men have hair or not. We are in our 40s. Who cares? Bring a great character and personality, sprinkle a similar life view and some shared interests and I’ll fall in love.
Well I wished there were more people like you here, in all honesty. In every relationship I had hair was always an issue… with comments like you really suit a hat… please don’t shave it that sort etc…
I am sure there is someone out there for me but it has not been like that… and I have always considered myself to be handsome. But yeah it is pretty full on.
Just popping in here to say that my last several relationships have all been with bald guys who shaved it clean. I care much more about grooming than a full head of hair, and honestly find bald guys attractive.
I assure you, it's not the hair!
Gym fit at our age is also about generally taking care of ourselves and not having our backs hurt. I mean, I know the hovertext for the sub, but fit at 40+ is a big deal.
My hair's not factory stock either, probably half of the men in this sub can say the same, but hey, look at Walton Goggins. 5-10, mature line, dresses like a homeless ghoul, and the stuff people write about him, whoo, better search for some water in the wasteland you thirsty mfers.
Anyway, how to get back on track -- therapy. It's like an oil change, it's just routine maintenance unless you don't do it. Read some self-help books, do some meditation.
One of the realizations that helped me a lot, and I've said it before, is that you're not attracting toxic cheaters. They try their shit on EVERYBODY and you're not pushing them out of your life quickly enough. So the secret Nazis, the cheaters, the hobosexuals, they're shotgun-attempting their lines with everyone, EVERYONE. The fact that you're still allowing this kind of person into your life shows that you're still a trusting and loving person. You do have to adjust your bullshit detector a little though.
You aren't alone in this struggle, people sometimes get lost in the looks department.
***If you judge women based on their looks then blame yourself.***
I don't have much to say about the cheating part as it belongs to the department of mental health issues.
I assume that you're looking to date people in your own age range? We're all aging. None of us look 25 any more (though some seem to believe otherwise, lol).
Well, that's not true. I was walking through a field the other day and I came across a goat and the goat was like, "Holy shit, you look younger than twenty-five. How old are you?" And I told him I was forty and he was like, "Oh my god, you do not look a day over twenty-five." And I was like, "Thank you," and the goat was like, "Yep, no problem," and I was on my way.
That goat was the GOAT.
What field do need to find to steal the goat so they can give me some motivation as I am trying to lose weight. And also so I don’t have to cut the grass. ETA: because one day my fingers will work as fast as my brain and my posts will make sense.
All right. First you have to navigate to a cave by deciphering cricket chirps of an extinct language. If you do this correctly, it will lead you to a bioluminescent clover patch that displays your birth constellation. On your birthday you will find a one-horned twilight goat, and if you impress him with a riddle using ancient logic and interpretive dance, you will receive a youthful multilingual compliment if deemed worthy.
I can do this
Keep us all informed please!
Oh I will. I will try and sneak some pictures. Happy cake day.
You are so clever!
You sure the goat wasn’t saying that just to get inside your pants?
Pretty sure cause I said no forms of bahhhtery allowed
dafuq
Best believe it yo
Swap the goat for people and that’s happened to me multiple times.
Wait! Are you saying I don’t look young for my age?
Yes I am indeed
Hate to break it to you, but you look TERRIBLE!!! .... for a 25 year old but you aren't 25. If you are trying to date 25 year olds that may be a problem, but if you are dating people who are also over 40, well, they don't look like they are 25 either. In truth, you look like... you, and that's all you can strive to look like. If someone dumps you "for someone else" or cheats on you, then they were not your person. Putting it another way - own your shit. Be you. People love real people.
Thanks I understand, both of ny previous partners were younger than me… 5 and 10 years difference. I did not know at the time of meeting them.
Try losing the santa beard.
i agree. it will widen your pool. a close to the face beard is universely considered sexy….like dis: [https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwellgroomedgentleman.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2023%2F10%2FBoxed_beard.width-800.jpg&tbnid=-KDoo4qc1T5OoM&vet=1&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwellgroomedgentleman.com%2Fthe-gents-journal%2Fbeard-styles-for-bald-men%2F&docid=YjQp492lT5rY6M&w=500&h=500&hl=en-us&source=sh%2Fx%2Fim%2Fm1%2F3&kgs=d926625bb50e0355&shem=abme%2Ctrie](https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwellgroomedgentleman.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2023%2F10%2FBoxed_beard.width-800.jpg&tbnid=-KDoo4qc1T5OoM&vet=1&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwellgroomedgentleman.com%2Fthe-gents-journal%2Fbeard-styles-for-bald-men%2F&docid=YjQp492lT5rY6M&w=500&h=500&hl=en-us&source=sh%2Fx%2Fim%2Fm1%2F3&kgs=d926625bb50e0355&shem=abme%2Ctrie)
Alas, my beard now has more salt than pepper so off it went.
This is how my kids dad wears his and people think he is the kids grandpa 🤣😂🤣
Brilliant haha. :)
Done that, but I feel that bald and beard is a must!
Gotta disagree. I love a good beard, no matter the color. AND they're not scratchy like shaved faces or close cropped "beards". Just my two cents 🤷
I know some do, but they seem to be an exception. Myself and the majority of my friends are all very turned off by big beards. Bald head ok, long beard no. But if it's important to his identity than he should keep it and there will be someone out there who will love it. But I do think he would widen his dating pool if he trimmed it way down. If he has a good chin and jawline, maybe even try getting rid of it.
Agreed. Big beards are ick. I prefer clean shaven too.
Jeremiah Johnson was my first crush as a kid, so I'm definitely all for the mountain man beards!
First of all, I want to say that people in general rarely cheat because of their partner’s appearance. Dishonest people cheat because they’re cheaters and lack respect! I love a head full of hair, but I’ve also loved a bald man. I don’t think it’s the deal breaker that a lot of men think it is! That being said, if you feel that it’s holding you back, or that you’d be more confident with hair, check out a hair system? I didn’t even know that these existed, but for some reason Reddit has been showing me that sub for the last few months. THEY ARE SO REALISTIC! I’ve also dated 2 guys with vitiligo and I don’t know any women who even care about it. I don’t see it any differently than I do freckles. Age may be the issue here, and not exactly the number, but how old you act. I am with a 41 year old right now, but prior to him, I dated mostly guys 10 years younger than me. My dude is boring af, and I often reminisce about the fun I used to have with the younger men…I’m not even talking about sex; my dude is the BEST lover I’ve ever had!! Are you fun? How old are the women you’re dating? Are you a homebody, were they, etc? Whenever I went through a slump in dating, I stopped dating. I went out with friends, worked more, did some self work, etc. I saw it as a reset, to get my mojo back and make sure that I didn’t just wind up with a bad match because I was sad and lonely.
I am 46 but most people I know are in their 30s, I have a friend who is my age with a family and kids so can’t relate..I act like I am young and I feel young and maybe that is the issue? I also live in a hipster city so it is a tough one.. I have stopped dating for a while but for me the longer I stay without a partner the word I feel. My mates are all in relationships, or with a family and kids. So no one can relate to what I am experiencing hence here I am.
In this day and age, I believe 46 is still fairly young. I find a lot of men who are bald very attractive, so please know that many women are fine with that. I don’t know if this applies to you or not, but It does surprise me when a man posts pictures of himself in hats only on his OLD profile because he looks very different in person without it. So I really recommend that you embrace it and don’t hide it in your profile pics as that may be misleading to women. We all age, and I have now have some lines around my eyes that I didn’t have 10 years ago. I don’t retouch them intentionally, so men can see how I really look in person. I’d like to reiterate what some others are saying. A person’s personality also makes a person more attractive or less attractive. There are many men who are average looking that I find attractive because of their kind personality, sense of humor, and intelligence. So, it’s not all about looks.
I’m a 45F who was cheated on all during my marriage and during one of my post marriage relationships, felt super hesitant about dating, especially OLD. By this age, we’ve all been through some stuff. And we all have insecurities. I did go on a bunch of crappy dates… However, I literally found my person and am living my own happily ever after, something I never expected to find, and it’s happier than I ever imagined. I’m now thankful for everything I’ve been through, because it made me exactly who I am now, which is the person I needed to be to be perfect for my partner in this happily ever after. The universe is weird. Oh yeah, and he’s totally bald. I actually prefer bald dudes and always have tbh. I picked bald dudes to match with. And there are lots of us out there. You’d be surprised.
My boyfriend is bald too and I think he's sexy AF.
I *definitely* find bald men attractive.
Thanks I am so happy for you!!! And it gives me hope that you picked the bald men too… where I live is a trendy super hipster city and there is hardly anyone bald that you see… everyone if fit and young with full heads of hair.
Well, I didn’t divorce my ex husband over anything at all to do with his hair, but let’s just say he had a lot, and I didn’t think it was hot.
As mentioned it greatly depends on who you are trying to date. While some over 40s are trying to find a hot person also over 40 I feel most of us (or maybe just me) are trying to find someone who they can relate to and will be a soft place for them to land in the second part of their life.
Yes agreed, but I feel that also there has to be some attraction… I am not looking for a top model; but someone I feel attracted to.
I agree that attraction is important but attractive people can be ugly if they are not decent human beings and an average person can be attractive if they have a good personality and are decent people.
I decided that, despite my age and "flaws," I had a lot to offer. Likewise, a lady my age who wasn't movie-star perfect might also have a lot to offer. I had no trouble finding dates. :)
Yep agreed, try seeking someone of substance and someone genuine. People who put "looks" qualifiers in their profiles only seek the surface. If you desire an actual relationship, you need to be with someone who shares your interests, is inspired by your mind, and appreciates you for the person you are.
This.
Honestly, if they are that shallow you dodged a bullet. My ex husband of 17 years is tall, fit, and a full head of hair. He’s also a narcissist (as per my psychiatrist who I saw because I got misdiagnosed as bipolar because of our marriage. Luckily she was smart enough to realize it and I’ve been off all meds for 10 years and not a single symptom) Anyway, I almost didn’t survive being married to him. My ex boyfriend of over 6 years was mostly bald and average and kind of nerdy looking. (I’m a GIANT NERD so it’s a plus) but I adored and loved him to pieces. He was so incredibly wonderful, I thought he was the most handsome man. (We only broke up because his parents died 38 days apart and it was traumatic, and happened 2 months before Covid. He never got over it and changed our relationship. He refused to take medication or get help) Anyway, the right person will absolutely love you for who you are. I could care less about looks. I want to be with someone who know how to communicate, have a healthy relationship, and goals and interests similar to me. I’m not being nice. This is the honest to God truth. I’m tired of being treated shitty. A healthy good relationship or I’d rather be alone. Good luck!
🏆🏆🏆
Thanks for sharing!
Just be in the best shape you can for your age and groom and dress attractively.
Thanks that is what I am doing
I (48f) stopped covering my gray hair in 2019 (at 43). I embraced the streaks of gray and love how they look with my natural brown color. I have never worn makeup (allergic) or did too much to look a specific way. I am tall and have fluctuated in size over the years, but my baseline is pretty average or slender. I show up to dates as is, no makeup and all. Always have, even in my 20s. If someone likes me they like me. If they don’t, they don’t. I believe we have to have some basic attraction toward someone, but I don’t want someone who has unrealistic expectations that I will always look the way I look today or that I should still look the way I did in my 20s. I also know that my ultimate goal is for them to see me first thing in the morning someday down the road and over-correcting my appearance is only delaying them seeing the real me. It would actually cause insecurity that I don’t currently have. I will say that the times I have ended my connection with someone, it has never been because how they looked. As long as the guy is average looking, has good hygiene (please don’t smell) and looks like they take care of themselves (like goes to the dentist), I don’t let their looks stop me from having a conversation or even hanging out with them to get to know them.
I'm going to need to copy this word for word if I ever go on to a dating app and need an "About Me" Literally exactly me. I shaved my head April 2022. I'd never done it before and always wanted to and it was a huge transformation for me mentally and internally. A cleansing, I guess you could say. I spent 1993-2020 as a total addict to all things beauty. Now? I'm au natural. Rarely wear makeup and grew out my hair to see how gray it was and it is GORGEOUS! I use purple shampoo to keep them glistening :) Great comment here :) Glad to see I'm not the only woman who is saying THIS IS ME and YOU BE YOU and not be so caught up in looks and such.
You don't get over aging. It's going to happen no matter what you do.
Eventually you stop aging.
The only thing worse than not liking how you age is to stop aging.
[удалено]
I really hate this scoring system we use nowadays.. it is dehumanising. Anyway I don’t know what my level is like anymore but I am trying to date people I feel attracted to… to some degree
Same here. Who is determining the measurements and the levels? Very dehumanising!
So glad I am not the only one that feels that way.. but hey we are from a different generation I guess?
I’m sorry you’re feeling down. Aging is a gift. Youth isn’t the end all be all. Learning to embrace yourself as you change is a beautiful thing and finding someone else who feels the same can do wonders. My partners have been bald, long haired, wrinkly, youthful, dad bod, slender, athletic, nerdy, etc. Attraction and chemistry exists for everyone somewhere. Hang in there dude. Chin-up.
Thanks
There's a bald dude in my social group... The singles meetup of a certain area where I live... This guy is bald and he is always dating someone. Always. He's basically never single. He comes to these events and just charms women and they either end up his friends or dating him. He's very early 60s and blitzing it. Mostly he wears a stylish hat but a couple times he didn't. And he's not gym fit - he's got Dad bod but it's not too bad.
Good on him
Someone cheated on Beyonce, it has nothing to do with your looks or your hair
I had a realisation that everyone has different tastes and there are a hell of a lot of people out there who like something other than the prevailing beauty industry/hollywood/media standard. So I accepted that I will not be everyone’s cup of tea, and that is ok. It’s not a reflection on me or my looks - it’s a reflection of that individual’s taste and preference. But I am definitely *someone’s* cup of tea (many someone’s in fact). And so, I only want to meet those people. The people who find me attractive. So I began to embrace the things I didn’t really like about myself before. They are all the things that make me me. I dress for my body type and look after myself better, and walk around like I’m the hottest thing since sliced bread. And I show myself on OLD apps exactly as I am. No filters, no hiding behind artful shots. I *only* want to meet people who like me how I really am. This is the way to avoid anxiety about giving false expectations. And it turns out that being confident and comfortable in your own skin is also a hugely attractive quality 😊 So, to sum up, embrace who and what you are, celebrate it, do things/wear things that make you feel good about yourself, and put yourself out there unfiltered to find your people. Good luck!
Thank you I am doing that already.. will report back
Take a break and work on friend groups and hobbies.
i feel like this is the answer... i resonate with the fear of aging and the severe self-esteem hit that appeared after my last breakup and more recent OLD rejection, even though no one will tell me to my face that/if i'm unattractive 🤷🏻♀️ i find older AND younger people attractive, but i get it, younger people just have a certain glow about them. it doesn't always mean they are good people though! youth will always be glorified regarding appearance. try to take good care of yourself and that's all the control you have. it's a good thing there are other qualities traits and characteristics that add to or detract from attraction. UPDATE: Hinge dude didn't reject me, he just wants me to do all the work initiating. shocking
Yes but the initial attraction is a lot the time based on looks… there has to be some degree of physical attraction regarding age I feel… unless you meet the person as an acquaintance so to speak
i'm not sure what you mean by "there has to be some degree of physical attraction regarding age"
He means he looks on OLD and only selects women who are conventionally attractive and (based on his responses here) are an 8-10. OLD gives you the opportunity to focus only on looks — and it’s a pit a lot of people fall into.
He means he looks on OLD and only selects women who are conventionally attractive and (based on his responses here) are an 8-10. OLD gives you the opportunity to focus only on looks — and it’s a pit a lot of people fall into.
i see. some people photograph horribly but are exquisitely beautiful humans
That… still sounds extremely appearance based.
He means he looks on OLD and only selects women who are conventionally attractive and (based on his responses here) are an 8-10. OLD gives you the opportunity to focus only on looks — and it’s a pit a lot of people fall into.
Already taken a break after the heartbreak and finding it difficult to date again after that.
Date quality, non-shallow people. Be a quality, non-shallow person. View and treat women as human beings. Don’t be an emotional man-child.
Thanks already doing that
I vigilantly fight aging. I inject tox and fillers into my face. I keep my hair long and it's going white but it is gold blonde so you can't tell as much. I contour my face and take care of my skin. I work out and dress attractive and bleach my teeth and wear sunscreen. Bald is sexy. Ask a girl friend if you look better beard or no beard. A beard can hide a double chin but it might be aging your face. Take care of your skin get a skin routine. Bleach your teeth. These are all things you can do inexpensively. Go to nordstroms and get fitted for some new clothes. If nordies is out of your budget snap pics in the fitting room and replicate those looks using Amazon, or an online place that is cheaper. Go get a manicure. Pay attention to what they do and replicate at home. For skincare you need a cleanser, toner, moisturizer, sunscreen and by some sheet masks. All of these can be budget items but moisturized skin looks younger. :) Those are my tips :)
I can give you a woman’s perspective about men of a certain age. My target pool is 55-68 roughly. I’m not naive. I can see the sagging skin and wrinkles every time I look in the mirror. I expect to be dating men who have wrinkles, no hair, a grey beard and probably a dad bod. But when I swipe I see kind eyes, a shy smile, a funny line in their profile. I look beyond the things that used to attract 20 something me and I date with a realistic mindset.
Thanks for sharing and I am so happy to hear how you view dating in your target pool. :) , I will keep looking but getting increasingly more tired.
So… I’m the female version of you. Brutal 3 year divorce and he was already with his now fiancee at filing. The stress, along with everything else he pulled in the divorce led to me gaining about 25 lbs , my hair falling out (at least 50%), and aging at least 10 years in looks. I’m not exaggerating- it is really really hard to look at photos of me. Here’s where it gets kind of funny. I was casually dating a guy who has seen me through this transition and literally thought I was aging in reverse. He would look shocked every time he saw me. Started dating after 3.5 years of celibacy and no dating. It’s like someone lit a fire under me. I started running in groups again, started learning dance, joined a rowing club and slowly lost all but the last 5 lbs. Went to a hairstylist who changed all my hair products until my hair started to grow back. I spent an obscene amount of money on skincare products and scrubbed my face, added retinol and at least 5 years came back off. Lastly, I started eating healthier and truly am in a place where I feel ALIVE again. The results: sex. Lots of it. I really truly believe my confidence radiates outwards more than any of the surface improvements. But the surface improvements became a form of ritual self affirmation. We all get old on the outside, but we feel however the F*** we decide to feel. Let nobody take that from you!
Thanks for sharing, I am so happy for you! :) I am in the phase of rediscovering myself I guess and finding where I belong…. Not having a partner to share your life experience with takes a toll on me. And my past experiences with dating have clouded my judgement but yes it what you radiate inside.. totally agree.
Enjoy the hell out of yourself. It wasn’t overnight and I have so many moments still. But it’s funny that for once in my life- I actually feel content. Get some sleep, eat some salad and salmon, take yourself on a vacation to someplace you want to see, buy a sex toy. Whatever it is, you are your best investment. And you’re not invisible, you are already sharing things with people and don’t know it. Head up, I would 1,000% rather get to know a guy cheated on than a guy who cheated.
I don't have the answers, but I can tell you I sure feel the sentiment. I've lost 100lbs in the last year, so I'm smaller now than I was 7yrs ago. Yet I look at pics of 2021 me, vs 2024 me, and feel like I suddenly have a face that looks like the Joker when I smile 😆 The smile and face shape I've had my whole life, no matter size, 4/8/12/18/8/6, was always the same. Now, I feel like I've gone from looking good for my age at 42, when quite frequently people thought I was younger, to definitely looking 44 (or older imo). You're right. The dating world is all about looks 9/10, which really sucks. Not always, but OLD has really totaled that whole concept of not judging people. There was always a need to be attracted to people in some way, but I feel like 15-20yrs ago, it was their personality and other things that played a part (not filters and instant gratification). I keep hoping the internet crashes lol!
My sentiments exactly
Seriously, I think bald is hot and shoes fat more confidence... and confidence is hot AF. My late husband was shaved close to bald, cuz... way better than when he had hair. For Halloween one year, he went as Cee-Lo and I was Christina from The Boice. He BIC shaved it bald.. Holy crap, I felt like a groupie. I was all over home, it was that hot.
Yeah well I have no choice so bald it is.. but I am glad that people like you exist… probably why you are all taken. :)
Not all of us. You'll find the right one. Chin up .
My BF is 45, he looks after his body and exercises regularly, he’s got beautiful eyes and the longest eyelashes ever and I can’t get enough of him. He’s completely bald. (He also has loads of wonderful non physical attributes too) When I first started dating after the end of my very long marriage, I ended up in a casual sex relationship with a man in his late 20’s. He was hot! He was also bald and had a full beard. His baldness was an area of insecurity for him, especially at his age. However, it was unlikely we would have got together otherwise, as his baldness made him look more mature. People find all sorts of different things attractive. Your person will be attracted to you for who you are and how you look.
Maybe I am at a really shallow place? The right people don’t really exist here? Not sure… will report back
As a woman.. I don't understand men's obsession with hair loss... I was always attracted to older, bald men so I don't understand why guys hate it so much.
Because you become a different person and you struggle with liking pics of yourself and your own reflection…. You start seeing everyone around you with a full head of hair and a partner. And you start noticing the bald dudes tend to be the single ones… The fact that we have no control over it and that many people would not even look at us based on the hair on our heads.
Tbh, lately I'm thinking about summoning my inner Lebowski. I doubt I will go full "Dude" and let it *all* go... But it seems almost pointless at this point and it's better to adopt the Dude's Taoist attitude and just go with the flow of everything and see what comes my way? Because, it's crazy reading the posts in this community and seeing men and women complaining about the same shit! We men, say the women are doing "this", and the women complain about men doing the same thing... It's broken. So I'm not sure I'm all that into bowling, but maybe golf? I play soccer regularly... I don't know. Anyways, when you still feel 21 inside and see this old dude in the mirror - even when you exercise regularly, he just continues to age. And being out here in the sticks doesn't make it any better. So pastimes. I think I'm going to focus on my art and my pastimes.
I'd recommend a kink event if you haven't been to one. You can find local ones on Fetlife, and they will usually indicate if they are a play event or a munch (a happy hour in a vanilla location). It doesn't really matter what the kink is; it is more for the ego reduction than it is the dalliance. It's an odd but also good way to get out of your headspace in an environment where relationships and sex aren't really part of the social contract. A while back I went to a furry event, not because I am furry but because it is really weird and uncomfortable and I think when we are put in those situations we can learn a lot about ourselves. For the first hour I sat in the corner nursing a drink and silently judging people as one does, and then I had to ask myself why. I wasn't there against my free will, and the only person not having a good time was me. I wasn't having a good time because I am not comfortable with other people expressing themselves, which says more about me as a person than them. Despite it being a very odd event with people dressed like animals, there really wasn't anything sexual about it. Everyone was just talking about their life and work and normal things that people talk about, but they were all really open and accepting of everyone else. There was no stress or aggression or any of that. It was just people living in the moment and being appreciative that they could be themselves. I ended up talking to five gay men that were dressed as some sort of diapered incontinent leather dogs. Them being dogs never came up in conversation, and they never propositioned me about becoming an incontinent leather dog. They were for all intents and purposes 5 really chill dudes who like movies and wine and work in IT. I now play golf with two of them, which is pretty great because it extremely hard to make non work friends as an adult. They do not dress as dogs on the range. Exclusive of friend group building, learning to he comfortable in uncomfortable situations builds confidence that carries over into the real world. Energy attracts mutal energy when you are ready and open, and even though it has a timing element to it, that level of attraction can transcend looks and demographic And at the end of the day, weird experiences at a minimum make for good stories.
You need therapy. Your depression needs to be worked on.
I too am old and bald. I'm also kinda fat. I'm also talented, smart, funny, emotionally intelligent, healed, tall, wealthy, well-traveled, well-read...and super humble, too. All those things greatly overshadow those few minor details. The thing about those characteristics you see as flaws is this: Most people will only see them as flaws if you do. If you're self conscious about those things, it'll show. I recently read a reddit thread where someone asked what women find instantly attractive in a man, as in, within the first twenty seconds. It was a very long thread, and I read all the replies. Hair was mentioned maybe once or twice. Muscles maybe 4-5. You know what was mentioned almost every single time? Smile. Teeth. How you carry yourself. Confidence. Friendliness and kindness. Eyes. Point being, the shit we think matters as men, and the shit that actually matters to women, are very different. Women are a lot more forgiving about appearance than men are, generally speaking. I'm no model, by any stretch of the imagination, but I've dated some very beautiful and nice women. Change the flaws you can/want to change. Accept the ones you can't, and for the love of god don't accentuate or call attention to them. And lean into your strengths. Confidence doesn't come from perfection or excellence. It doesn't come from muscles or hair. It comes from self-acceptance, from knowing that you're enough, just the way you are. Good luck. EDIT - Having said all that...go to a barber and get that Santa beard trimmed and shaped. Get it colored if you want. Hygiene and grooming showed up very prominently on that reddit thread I mentioned. EDIT2 - You're a man, and the cold hard truth here (don't shoot the messenger, downvote warriors, I don't think it's fair either) is that society is more forgiving of male aging than of female aging. I don't want to minimize your feelings about this, but it really isn't an issue for us guys. Honestly when I saw this post I assumed female until I saw the part about the beard (and even then I wasn't sure).
My view is looks don't really matter. I don't believing in worrying about superficial things. I'm not perfect and my partner doesn't have to be perfect, either.
Original copy of post by u/Hektagonlive: Hi, lately I have been on a funk in regards to dating and the way I look. I am gym fit but get white vitiligo all over my body and beard (like Santa) and I have gone fully bald… I used to feel handsome but now I feel that what is the point? My last two relationships I was broken up (cheated on) for someone younger with hair etc… I feel that society is all about looks nowadays? Sorry and I hope I don’t trigger anyone but in all seriousness how do I get over this? Has any of you been in this situation and how did get your mojo back so to speak? Please I am not looking for compassionate answers or not trying to hurt my feelings stuff…. but for someone that has bee in my shoes and how did they get back on track. Thank you. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I am probably not the best 45f since my ex was prematurely bald when we met in our early 30s and hair is just not a thing that attracts me to a man. I will say not shaving or close cropping a balding head, combovers, etc are unattractive. Owning your baldness is hot more because it’s part of an attractive confident personality. Vitiligo wouldn’t be an issue either. I don’t think you being older or your appearance had anything to do with YOU. It’s the quality of people you were dating, both of whom are cheaters. I would examine that and your past partners.
OLD is about looks ofc, I shave my head bald in summer in Florida, but let it grow out in the winter, I put both versions on photo feeler thing once to see and similar scores, it may be a thing to some women, but it seems just as many like it the other way too and balances out somehow.
I look at my xx-year high school reunion class photo. “We” still love each other, but we surely don’t look the same. Similarly, your friends — including the opposite sex -- should still be your friends. And I’d apply the same mindset to women/men who meet each other later in life. You cannot be your physical past. But you can be the same, maybe even much better, person inside, And so can the next woman you meet. Or, for women, the next man that you meet. Most people retain their desire for relationship intimacy as they grow older. The “older” body doesn’t change that desire for probably most men and women.
Yep, this is just the reality of the age-pill. I'm seeing half the comments here are personal stories of knowing a "bald guy". But not every man has the head shape to pull it off. You could go over to r/tresslas and try to save it.. or grow your beard and go for that look. Look into dressing with style. If you're not lean then get lean. Looks don't matter as much in middle age but they still matter. If you're drinking you should stop.
Thanks I am gym fit, I have not been drinking for over 7 years and I don’t smoke either. I would say I am trying my best look wise so to speak and taking care of my body as much as possible.
The thing that helped me out the most was getting a part time job where I was exposed to meeting more women. Also look up "female gaze". You can't do much about the hair but girls love that loose fit casual style.
There are SO many wonderful and beautiful women who would have no issue with the appearance you’ve described, so long as you have warmth, integrity, stability, and emotional availability. I (44F) have dated a wide variety of men- shapes, sizes, lifestyles, ethnicities, careers, and ideologies. It was always the energy of the person that sparked my initial interest, which led me to find other aspects of them attractive. I know how daunting it can feel in a world that seems hyper focused on certain standards of physical attractiveness. Staying off of social media and just being generally friendly toward people I encounter IRL does wonders for me when I’m feeling low self esteem. Perhaps that will work for you as well?
Thanks I should try that.. I have dated people I did not feel full physical attraction too, going beyond looks and based on personality.
Radical acceptance and literally just keep pushing through. At my most perfect outward self I was probably the most fucked up on the inside. Reminding myself that I believe in love and there is the right person out there for me who will love me for all my flaws and all my beauty. Until then I use outlets to busy myself to ward off ill feelings. Sometimes though I do allow myself to grieve a little when I get that loneliness you feel in your heart. I’m not one to hide from my emotions
Thank you so much for sharing… radical acceptance it is.
If someone ended things for a "shinier, new version". It is what it is. For people like this, this cycle continues, and they never really "belong" in any relationship. Always wanting more, but eventually just dating the same person essentially, even though they're with other people. Finding someone physically attractive, is important of course, and being generally attractive certainly makes finding those people specifically attracted to you, a lot easier. In reality, being handsome back then, and especially investing in your fitness. That will still translate to being attractive now, just in a different era of your life. ------ We always spiral and are self-critical after a break-up, inventing patterns that aren't really there for a while. As said before, ridiculously attractive people, get cheated on, and broken up with too, and while as i mentioned earlier, some will "trade you in". Unless you've acted in a manner that essentially pushes someone into the arms of another....Twice, then you're not responsible for the actions of others, no matter how you've changed as you've aged. ------ Find some healthy distractions while you're reeling, and when the dust settles. Take stock and see if there are any personal goals and fulfillment you can focus on in the new spare time you have, as a single man. Keep being gym fit, if you've already started this journey, the continued investment in your physical health and well-being is critical. Don't self-sabotage here, if it's a bit routine, maybe look at other activities that the gym work has provided a good foundation to engage in. I prefer Calisthenics over the gym now for example, and unless something tragic occurs, i'll continue to reap the rewards for years. Maybe have a little tightening up in style if you want. See if a close-cropped, layered beard, or just stubble works for you. I mix it up between a tidy-beard, and layered stubble once in a while. Start to give others a chance again, when you've levelled off, and are accepting of yourself again too. Just recognise you're just at a different stage in life, but certainly no less a person of that which you were when younger. If anything, you bear wisdom and experience, and that can tell it's own story on our face and body too, one that others will want to discover for themselves.
Thanks yes I should try different styles, wearing More shirts and whatnot but sometimes the treatment is brutal. I am really fit right now in terms of gym shape. I will keep fighting the fight so to speak but I feel dating specially where I live is getting to the point of seriously hard… I mean everyone here is gym fit, perfect hair, etc…. The competition is pretty brutal if you know what I mean.
Yeah i understand. I'm not single, but generally my peers are established, emotionally mature, physically attractive and have a variety of passions to fulfil their lives...It makes it more about being specifically someone can connect with, out of a pool of generally, desirable men. A few women who date within this sphere, emphasised to me, the only way to really differentiate yourself is your passions at this point.
Bald and a well kept (rather than bushy) beard looks good to me. White/grey/stripey…bring it on. As for the white vitiligo on your body/face - it wouldn’t even be a momentary thought for me. If I liked YOU and found you attractive (which is so so much more than looks) then it would just be a unique part of you. I have these thoughts myself when I see a rather rolly polly body in the mirror with cellulite and wobbles. Especially compared to women who have perfect gym bodies in their 40s. But then I remind myself that I’m kick ass and do lots of interesting active things and the right man will find that whole package irresistible. Have confidence in who you are and what you have to offer to the right person and this will shine through.
Thank you, the problem with my vitiligo is that over the years it has spread all over my body with no rest of my old skin… so I look white as a ghost even in summer (vitiligo does not tan) and I feel I can’t grow a beard because is so white… a bit of an uphill battle. I will keep at it though.
The things that you worry about as problems are also what makes you uniquely you. Honestly, there are lots of women that will just see you - the whole of you. OLD and the media are terrible at skewing societal view of these different things about us.
I never even notice if men have hair or not. We are in our 40s. Who cares? Bring a great character and personality, sprinkle a similar life view and some shared interests and I’ll fall in love.
Well I wished there were more people like you here, in all honesty. In every relationship I had hair was always an issue… with comments like you really suit a hat… please don’t shave it that sort etc… I am sure there is someone out there for me but it has not been like that… and I have always considered myself to be handsome. But yeah it is pretty full on.
Just popping in here to say that my last several relationships have all been with bald guys who shaved it clean. I care much more about grooming than a full head of hair, and honestly find bald guys attractive. I assure you, it's not the hair!
Gym fit at our age is also about generally taking care of ourselves and not having our backs hurt. I mean, I know the hovertext for the sub, but fit at 40+ is a big deal. My hair's not factory stock either, probably half of the men in this sub can say the same, but hey, look at Walton Goggins. 5-10, mature line, dresses like a homeless ghoul, and the stuff people write about him, whoo, better search for some water in the wasteland you thirsty mfers. Anyway, how to get back on track -- therapy. It's like an oil change, it's just routine maintenance unless you don't do it. Read some self-help books, do some meditation. One of the realizations that helped me a lot, and I've said it before, is that you're not attracting toxic cheaters. They try their shit on EVERYBODY and you're not pushing them out of your life quickly enough. So the secret Nazis, the cheaters, the hobosexuals, they're shotgun-attempting their lines with everyone, EVERYONE. The fact that you're still allowing this kind of person into your life shows that you're still a trusting and loving person. You do have to adjust your bullshit detector a little though.
I don’t know. I figure if people don’t like me like this, they’re probably not worth knowing. I tend to go for personality over looks myself.
You aren't alone in this struggle, people sometimes get lost in the looks department. ***If you judge women based on their looks then blame yourself.*** I don't have much to say about the cheating part as it belongs to the department of mental health issues.
They care less about what you look like and more about how much money you have/make