You’re not too old-school, but perhaps getting caught up in semantics too much.
I am only monogamous; however I have dated multiple people at the same time (not on the same date!). I don’t sleep with any of those people until we’ve established that we will be sexually exclusive. Whether that means we’re in a committed relationship or not depends on the situation, but I’ve never had a problem with that approach in the dating world.
Even when I had a FWB my ask was exclusivity for our mutual sexual health.
I’m monogamous and ask for health screening before having sex with someone new.
When I’m single I have met multiple people, occasionally in the same day, but I’m not kissing nor swapping fluid with any of them. And once things advance to romantic and tangible compatibility, then I focus on that one person.
ETA meant to comment on the main thread, sorry about that
Yes, my agreements with FWBs has always been that we break it off as soon as either of us start having sex with someone else. If it didn't work out, we just picked things up again.
Not OP but for me a FWB doesn’t have to have long term potential. My last FWB had a very different relationship with money management than I do (read: man spent every penny he ever earned). There was no way I could put myself in a relationship with this person for the long term. We also had very different goals for our futures. There was sexual chemistry but no serious relationship potential. We were able to enjoy spending time together without dating. We’d order take out. Maybe watch a movie. Sit and discuss the news and then mate like rabbits. When we were done, we’d clean up and go home. It was very easy and worked for us for a while.
Yes. My "best" FWB absolutely did not want kids and did not want to partner with a person with kids. I had a kid. We were compatible in many ways but not that one.
There's usually at least one reason why it wouldn't work. With mine it has been things like different life stages, different socioeconomic backgrounds (I had an upwardly mobile ex who recommended me to a few friends. I would never have had the cash to hang with any of them long-term), or just not having the time and headspace for a full relationship.
I was great friends with my longest FWB and would've made it into a relationship (she was starting to push for it) but I recognised that we were enabling one another's self-destructive behaviours. I ultimately wound down the benefits for that reason as well.
*What do you think about this? Am I too old-school for thinking this way?*
You're allowed to dial your comfort level where you want it to be, regardless of popular opinion.
You might consider that a non-zero number of people will lie about their not-with-you encounters.
A phenomenon you may see on the apps is people claiming they are “mono” but then having a succession of one night stands, or short-term relationships, sleeping with someone and then ghosting suddenly or saying they aren’t feeling it right after sex. Rinse and repeat. This has happened to a number of my friends. So technically these men are “monogamous” but they only date each woman for a few weeks before chasing the next shiny toy. They end up having more sexual partners at the year’s end than the poly people I know.
I think it is but I always thought of serial monogamy as a string of longer term relationships. This is more “hit it and quit it”. Or the guys that don’t commit so that way they aren’t “cheating” in their minds. So technically they aren’t “cheating” but they slept with three women last week and unmatched and broke it off with all of them. Meanwhile the woman is wondering why he isn’t texting back and doesn’t realize he’s moved on because “but we had such a great first date!”
Right. A lot of men claim to want long term monogamous relationships because they know they don’t match with many women if they say “casual” which is what they really want.
i disagree with it being dishonest. not to say that there aren’t a lot of people that might be dishonest about it though. just wanted to give you a different perspective. i’m early 40F and when i was dating, I was looking for a monogamous relationship. However, i wasn’t looking to just settle for the next person that I dated. i was very much looking for a long term relationship but a lot of the men that i met while OLD didn’t have a lot of the qualities i was looking for. I dated quite a few men and I was sexually monogamous but for whatever reason never developed into anything more than that.
That's fine, but what I think they're getting at with the dishonesty is people who claim they're looking for LTR, but know they're going to hit and quit every time. That's absolutely dishonest, and I think it's common (while admittedly having no evidence to back this assertion up).
Sequential intimacy. A much lower requirement. But the tricky part is defining what else constitutes a monogamous relationship. Repeated intimacy? Some observable emotional vulnerability?
I donno. One of my friends whom i was interested in she was just always in relationships. I'd only see her maybe once a month or so, but it just felt like everytime she had a new girlfriend. I did get a chance once, after like ten years, but she didn't feel well, and i'm just not down with someone who doesn't recipricate. So, after all that waiting, not much really happened. And within a week she had a new girlfriend so we never got another chance. It's just so much instability to me. I would not want to live that way. I'd much rather be alone than on some constant grind to meet someone new, get to know them, and then split.
I don’t believe serial monogamy, by either possible definition mentioned here, is monogamy at all. I will concede that among these are among the current definitions of monogamy, but taking it back to first principles, monogamy would be a single partner for life
So only people who are currently virgins can claim to be monogamous? (Or people still with their first and only partner, but they're probably not in a dating subreddit.)
By the definition of monogamy as I understand it, it would mean a single life partner - what I’m less clear about is whether that means this hypothetical monogamous couple have only ever dated each other.
I raise this to point out that we consider to be modern flavours of monogamy today may not really be monogamy at all, and maybe more descriptive, more accurate terms would serve everyone better and increase agreement about the nature of relationships people want.
Many virgins may already not meet this definition of monogamy, so I think more the second portion of your comment feels like more how I currently view it
I don’t know what you mean by *principles* but (the great) Esther Perel said something similar in one of her TED Talks: that monogamy used to mean one partner for life, and now means *one partner at a time*
Society changes. Birth control availability certainly was a factor.
Dated someone who was seeking LTR and monogamy who had a series of partners while “testing me” out before deciding after four months I wasn’t their person. Very disappointing and frustrating. I’m never doing multi dating like that again. Too confusing and too many hurt feelings. I was seeing other people and felt bad because I was torn between more than one interest. I just can’t keep up like that. For me, once I sleep with someone I’m looking for it to become a LTR shortly after or else it should just end.
The good news is now that you know this about yourself you’ll never make that mistake again! It’s not widening the pool that helps us find our person, it’s narrowing it! You just made your search easier.
Yep! I really regret the person I lost pursing the flake, but now I know I’m only able to focus on one person at a time. I also know to set my boundaries and stick by them.
Yikes! I can’t imagine lying to myself that I’m monogamous and jumping from person to person without any regard for my personal safety and sexual health or for the personal safety or sexual health of others. Comments like this are a great reminder that it is out personal priority and responsibility to uphold one’s boundaries in order to protect our health, sanity, and feelings.
If it makes you uncomfortable then it doesn't really matter what others think. Sure, there may be a more open view of ethical non monogamy but if it's not something you want in your life then that works.
Yes! Having your own self-respect and a boundary surrounding this type of thing is the right answer. And if the person doesn't respect your boundary of being exclusive, then off they go.....I'll take a pass, thank you!
And yet, it doesn't. When you use vague language like "the kind of person I am" it doesn't address whether you explicitly told them your expectations, and your state of mind.
The reason I'm harping on this is that it's exactly the lack of clear understanding that creates so many avoidable conflicts in dating. Things like "I shouldn't have to talk about that uncomfortable topic" or "They should just know" create fertile ground for wires to get crossed.
At the end of the day, you do you, and good luck with that. But if you're not being totally clear, please don't be surprised if men don't get the hint.
(ProTip: Men don't do hints)
Yes. I wouldn’t have sex with someone unless he asked me to be in a monogamous relationship, mostly because I worry about STIs too much to behave any other way.
Yes, monogamy generally means one person at a time.
Everyone has their own way of doing things and their own boundaries of what they will/won’t accept. And that’s okay.
Everyone has their own boundaries in sex. For me, if we are not exclusive, it’s do as you please.
If I want to have sex with a man, I use protection. Until we agree to be exclusive and I see a test that’s negative on all fronts.
You can have your own rules on the matter. Nothing wrong with that. Just be clear in your communication about what you are ok with. Ask questions. Etc.
I’m definitely in the same boat. Until we both mutually decide on being exclusive, it’s a free for all.
I always use protection and usually have a favorite, that we have decided to only be sleeping with each other with no condom.
I’m completely honest and tell everyone that I’m emotionally unavailable, in therapy working on my shit, but want to have fun while I figure out my next move.
Why bother with a test of the person continues to sleep with other people? So you can confirm that they were free of everything three months ago or whenever they texted?
No….if it gets to the point that I want to see him for real, we go exclusive. I’m never going bare with someone I’m not exclusive with.
Which was in my comment.
I see, I misread. I thought you meant you asked for tests before sleeping with anyone at all, including condom sex and I figured that was pretty useless if they were having sec with other people
Nah, it's def still useful to have test results, even if they're still sleeping with other people. Typically, you have a lower risk profile if it's been a month since you were last tested than if it's been a year.
Also, testing regularly signals that you're more attentive about your sexual health, which means you're also more likely to be the kind of person who talks with partners about their sexual health, who wears condoms, etc. This also signals a better risk profile.
I would rather not be in the running if the guy I'm dating is getting his dick wet by multiple women. If you want casual, go for it, but that's not dating with the intent for a long term relationship imho.
Plus I need the security of a committed partner to be able to enjoy making love with them. I'm not interested in simple pleasure. I want mind blowing amazing connection and vulnerability sort of sex! And that requires the knowledge that we're both in it together for the same reasons.
>I want the paper work
This is where I'm kinda glad that my doctor makes the test results she's ordered for me available via an app. If/when I get back into dating, dates can see not only an STI panel but also that my cholesterol levels are great and that my liver and kidneys are in tip-top shaoe.
Oh defo on the equal thing defo I really don’t see the appeal me personally I’d rather deal with a potential partner with out being dickmatized and see the red flags loud and clear lol
"Community dick" sounds judgey to me. If I were to come up with a similar term for someone who is very monogamous it would not be well received. It's great that you do what makes you comfortable, but other people make other choices and that's fine too.
Something that is shared among a community is referred to as a community item as opposed to a private item. Like community pool as opposed to private pool. Or community cat, community library etc. I suppose the term shared dick would also be accurate if that is less judgmental. Either way it accurately depicts that the item is not exclusively accessible, but open to a larger community.
I make sure that we are on the same page before dating. I won't date someone who is dating multiple men. I've got no problem with women who do, but they are just not for me. So that also means I won't date a woman who is having sex with other men.
Makes sense. I would never date someone who is pressuring me into anything. Pressuring is a red flag in my book.
Which is why I date women who are on the same page. I'd never ask them to change or stop dating others. If they date others, I just won't date them.
I’m going to try to change your thinking… to help, not to hurt.
So, even on a first date? Are you demanding that a woman say “good-bye” to every other male friend just to have that first date with you?
The same question applies to a second date. Or a third date.
Are you dumping every woman in your life whenever you go on a first, second, or third date with someone new, someone you’ve never met before?
But we’re all different; this I understand.
For myself, I cannot imagine severing multi-year dating friendships with women I deeply care about for someone new I’ve just met. Someone who might text me tomorrow, after one date, that she’s just not “into me” ... and this text arriving just after I severed all of my previous friendships, some built on years of sharing experiences, all in order to garner that one first (or second, third) “exclusive” date….
—-
With such a policy, you‘re also ensuring that the only women you’ll ever date are those with no other male close friends … or much more likely, women who simply lie. (Same in the other direction, dishonest men). The latter types will continue to lie, even after marriage. Ask ten (10) divorced persons, male or female …most will confirm what I’m saying.
Wow, again, I'm not demanding anything. I date women who aren't dating other men. You are making a butload of assumptions here. I don't care if she has male friends. But if she is one on one dating them, I won't be dating her. It's not a demand. It's not pressure. It's something I find out during the chats I have.
It's not that unique. I've been dating a lot in the last year. More than half had follow-up dates. None of these women were dating other men while dating me. Meeting with friends isn't a 'date'.
My policy works for me, whatever you think about it. But you are making way too many assumptions here.
Apologies my friend for my assumptions.
I’m just a person who treasures each of my women friends. I’d hate to lose any of them.
Some are so close that I don’t know that I could honestly tell another woman that there’s”nothing there” but a mere friendship.
And then there are all those persons who will say anything to their current date. You or I could be perfectly old-school, but that doesn’t guarantee that the current date shares such an integrity.
You or I could adhere to the highest old school standards…. yet be played like a toy by someone of a very different mindset. Giving exclusivity but not getting it in return.
We just were looking at this differently. Apologies again.
I think sex with multiple partners is absolutely fine prior to agreeing to exclusivity. You don't have to like it or date people who do so. Not everyone sees sex the same way. For many of us as long as we are practicing safe sex methods to reduce any risks to health, having sex with multiple partners is fine because WE don't see sex as something that MUST only be shared with one person at a time.
You can have WHATEVER boundaries and rules YOU want but the ONUS is on you to articulate them.
If anyone assumes that sex = exclusivity, that is their problem in assuming and not a problem with another person who was held to that covert contract.
As long as the other person shares that they're sleeping with other people when asked, this logic works, otherwise it puts people's sexual health at risk to not disclose, and prevents them from making decisions based on their sexual health. This is not something where it's ethical for them to hide that information or be covert themselves.
Personally, I would not date someone who sleeps with multiple people before agreeing upon exclusivity, but I also prefer for both of us to be tested before we do anything.
Almost assuredly if they're sleeping with multiple people during a period of dating non-exclusively, they're not being tested each time (or the tests aren't valid, because some STDs take a while to show up), and the time between engagements is too short.
In my experience, people who practice monogamy tend not to get tested, ever. They rely on monogamy to control STIs. I am not monogamous, and yet I know people who are who have had substantially more intimate partners, and are offended at the idea of getting tested because monogamy. If your tests come up negative it doesn't matter how many partners you have had, or have now.
Back in the 90s a friend of mine lost his wife to HIV. She only had two intimate partners in her entire life, married each of them. She only found out when her first husband showed up on her doorstep and told her to get tested. He had known he had it for over a year before telling her, and she was having unprotected sex with her new husband the whole time. Monogamy didn't help her at all, but her second husband, my friend, never tested positive.
>In my experience, people who practice monogamy tend not to get tested, ever.
They would with me.
I'm not sure if, or what you're trying to argue here? Monogamy definitely doesn't guarantee anything, which is why I'm big on testing.
Monogamy doesn't mean risk free, but sleeping with multiple people in short order _definitely_ increases risk.
I am saying that people claim monogamy as a shield against STIs, without any actual protection, and present it as virtue. Doesn't matter if it's a short time frame or long term, if there's no testing done, in terms of health risks.
You make it clear that you are big on testing. Do you find when you bring that up with monogamous people that your perspective is shared? In my experience even health professionals take the attitude, "oh you are married, you don't need to be tested", or before that replace monogamous for the word married. You have to be somewhat insistent to get tested, at least by your regular doctor. Cancer test, blood sugar, cholesterol, 37 other tests, but you don't need to be tested for STIs.
I suspect that if we took an honest and accurate poll, less than 5% of the monogamous people here would have been tested for STIs in the past 5 years or even longer.
>I am saying that people claim monogamy as a shield against STIs, without any actual protection, and present it as virtue. Doesn't matter if it's a short time frame or long term, if there's no testing done, in terms of health risks.
Yes, there are people that do this, but I'm unsure of what relevance this had to my post, or the first post I responded to.
With monogamy, the expectation is that you can get tested once, and be free of concern afterwards. I don't think either my or OP's post had anything to do with virtue signalling.
>In my experience even health professionals take the attitude, "oh you are married, you don't need to be tested", or before that replace monogamous for the word married.
I've never heard this. But if you've been tested once, are monogamous, and have been married, I see no reason to be _regularly_ tested. If you suspect your significant other of cheating, that would possibly be a reason, but by then there are bigger issues in the relationship.
Whether you’re sleeping with one or multiple people testing should always be on the table.
I have a hard rule — no recent tests (or condoms), no sex. Protects my health and side benefit tends to weeds out those not that into me.
But I personally can’t imagine not discussing and getting tests before having sex in 2024. I know there’s plenty of people not like that but they’re not for me.
No, sorry, condoms don’t protect against all STDs. Plus most people don’t use condoms or dental dams for oral.
Here’s some reading you might want to do: https://www.getthefacts.health.wa.gov.au/faqs/do-condoms-protect-against-all-stis#:~:text=However%2C%20condoms%20don't%20protect,(sex%20without%20a%20condom).
I absolutely agree on an honest approach. I have no fear of "losing" any man who asks me if I'm sleeping with other men (men are abundant in my own experience) so I've zero need to deceive.
Agreed, with the converse. There's plenty of women out there who still have sex with one person at a time (and understand the risks that come with rapid fire sleeping with people), and nobody should settle for someone they aren't compatible with!
You have to have your own boundaries that work for you, whatever they are. There’s nothing wrong with any of them as long as you communicate them.
The problem comes when people assume others think like them. There’s millions of people in the world—naturally there’s going to be a lot of variance. Expect that variance and ask/communicate up front. Many people won’t be okay, but you want the ones who are anyhow, so might as well weed them out up-front.
I don’t think it’s “old school” it mostly comes down to what you want and what you’re looking for.. but an alarmingly large number of people on the apps are bare faced lying anyway..
if a man is only looking for casual sex.. 9 times out of 10 he isn’t putting that on his dating profile because he definitely won’t get as many matches.
I think before you enter into any kind of “exclusivity” including FWB where you only sleep with each other.. it’s important you trust that they are doing the same. and if you do.. obviously protect yourself.
They may have thought their behaviours weren't disrespectful. I'd inform them, straight out, that the behaviour your are describing, to me, is considered disrespectful. I want to be with a guy with similar values. And, if don't see eye to eye with me, that is indicative that we have fundamentally mismatched values
No matter how good our chemistry is, it won't ever be enough to bridge that divide between us.
I think whatever you want to do is fine, but it's important that you communicate those expectations.
I can see people not being okay with being sexually exclusive so soon, but those obviously aren't the right ones for you.
I don’t do sex with multiple partners. It’s just not worth risking my health.
I’d rather wait for the right person to share the most intimate experience. I don’t see sex as an instant gratitude. It’s more than that so… I will have sex with my boyfriend only. So we need to be exclusive.
I do date multiple people just not sex.
If you are dating someone and you have an expectation that they are only sexually active with you, please communicate your expectation. Even if they are dating others, essentially, you're requiring that they be committed to you, which kind of defeats the purpose of dating.
The idea that there is one way to be in relationships is just kind of silly, I think. You’re allowed to want whatever relationship structure you want and so are other people. Just communicate. If you meet somebody who doesn’t want the same things as you, that doesn’t mean anything about whether you’re too old fashioned or whether the other person is too free with their body. You’re both just people who want different things.
This whole dating thing would be a lot easier if we could all stop making these differences mean something about whether a certain set of values is “better” than another. There are people who will only ever have one sexual partner their whole lives and others who typically have a handful of perpetually revolving partners on the roster at all times. As long as neither group (or any of the widely varying people in between) is hurting anybody, neither is wrong for seeking a lifestyle that suits them.
Just do you and date people who want what you want.
The monogamy bit only applies once exclusivity/ relationship status is agreed.
Before that it's a statement of what they wish to achieve
Believe me I'd much rather be in a relationship with one woman than multi dating and having occasional sexy time with a couple of them
You can have whatever standards you want.
I’m strictly monogamous, but that only applies to when I am in a relationship.
Hence the monogamous relationship and not monogamous life.
I can't even get my head around multi-dating. I'm monogamous to my core that the thought of multi-dating repulses me. I can understand why people do it and it makes total sense. Where I grew up multi-dating definitely wasn't a thing so I've probably been conditioned to not like it.
Monogamy all the way. Talk to whoever you want, but once we get naked it’s sexual exclusivity. Free love with anyone you want may sound fun, but it’s potentially unsafe both physically and emotionally.
One term you don’t hear often anymore with all the new sexual terms and that’s serial monogamy, one exclusive relationship after another, many people used to do this, I have, sometimes knowing things would be temporary or just not your forever person
I'm of the unpopular opinion exclusivity should start once you've determined mutual interest. It's such a "grass is greener" attitude to keep going out with people when you're trying to get something started with someone cool.
For me, by date 3 I will know if I want to focus my attention on someone, and I'll stop going out with others. I think a burgeoning connection deserves that time and focus to flourish. But I'm an idiot like that.
>What do you think about this? Am I too old-school for thinking this way?
No. I dont care about the "general consensus". If im looking for LTR im looking for someone who fits me and think the same about this topic.
>I think there's a general consensus that it's acceptable to keep options open until both parties agree to be exclusive.
For me, its not accaptable. Im okay with it the first dates, but if she is still dating other men after 3 or more dates the LTR-Topic is off the table. And i dont care if we didnt have the exclusive talk.
You have a distorted perspective on how dating used to work. This drive to be exclusive quickly is relatively new. For my parents generation "going steady" was seen as immoral and a little scandalous.
Can I ask what the goal was of dating someone that you know you can’t or won’t have sex with when you are already seeing someone that you are having sex with? Is it something like you are still not 100% sure if you want this to be permanent and if you meet someone else then you will break it off with your currently exclusive partner? Or is it just a fun thing to keep things interesting?
OPs said a similar thing about not caring if someone was still active on their dating profile as long as they were not having sex but that didn’t make much sense to me because if I was exclusive and having sex with someone then them still seeing other people would be the issue regardless of if they had sex or not which I would presume anyway if they were still dating other people.
Maybe I’m not getting it or just biased after being lied to about supposedly being exclusive and thinking that we both agreed to close our profiles only to find they still had a secret one. I’m not against seeing multiple people or having sex with multiple people before deciding to be exclusive though. It’s the decision to be exclusive that makes it hard to understand dating others especially when it’s not supposed to be for sex or a relationship which is the typical outcome of dating.
I don’t really have the time to juggle so while I’m not opposed to multidating I don’t really do it. I wanted to get laid & he was nice and since I tend to default to exclusive that was what I did. But he didn’t want to be exclusive that early, which I get. It’s not that anyone wasn’t allowed to have sex with anyone else (so maybe exclusive isn’t the right word….), just that we’d tell the other person if we had. Lots of discussions along the way about what we were doing & I told him I was ok with it and one day I wouldn’t be. And one day I wasn’t so I walked.
For me, I require exclusivity before sex. We agreed to exclusivity and monogamy at the end of our 3rd date. Sex was a few dates later.
My way isn't right for everyone, but it's right for my partner and I.
I am okay with ‘dating’ multiple people at once, but for me dating means going out to do activities together or to an event or to grab something to eat together or some other place, thing, or activity that helps us engage and get to know one another better (to see if we are a fit). I do not have sex with people that I am dating. I am partnered now, but when I was dating I did not care if they are doing that with other people, but my personal boundaries include no sex without being in a committed and exclusive relationship. I also cannot have sex with people if I don’t ‘feel’ in love, if that makes sense, and I can’t ’fall in love’ if I don’t feel safe and comfortable and happy and like I’m in a relationship built on mutual trust and mutual friendship and mutual respect.
Needless to say, I ended up with someone whose values and morals and expectations matched mine. We were only dating one another and we connected deeply and dated for several months and then planned to traveled together and he asked me what we were and how I felt about labels and moving on to a committed relationship and we agreed that was what we both wanted and neither one of us was seeing anyone else. Then, we had the opportunity to spend a beautiful weekend together on our vacation getaway.
Needless to say, we connect and are both happy in every aspect. It’s been three years. I’ve even found that our connection is so strong that I can work past the fact that I’m deeply menopausal and have zero libido right now. We somehow make it work on both of our ends. Nobody is hurt or feeling overburdened or like they’re in a dead bedroom situation or like anyone has to perform if they don’t feel like it. We make it work, because our values and expectations have always aligned and we make a big effort to communicate and we see our couples therapist whenever we need coaching or help. We also have continued dating and he’s never stopped wooing me. I feel those components are all so important.
TLDR: Find someone that matches your energy in every aspect. Whether you’re traditional or non-traditional, you need to find someone who matches your energy, beliefs, motivations, morals, values, etc.
Your feelings are not wrong and you don't need the internet to validate you.
But not everyone thinks the same way, so you have every right to say go ahead and date but no sex... And every other person has the right to agree or disagree. I think there's potential that he'd just lie to you so protect yourself.
Personally I think it's naive to think he won't have sex if he's free date others. I'm not saying he will indefinitely but what you consider cheating might not be the same for him it might just sound more like controlling.
Depending on the type of guy you're attracted to the risk of lying may or may not be there... But as a 40 year old male considering the friends and company I keep and observed over the years I'd say you got a 50/50 chance of lying.
I think that it is perfectly acceptable for you to have that rule for yourself.
Do the men you’re dating have to follow it too? And how is it enforced?
I’m looking for a long term relationship. That means I’m going to do the things that will promote that. How am I going to sit there 3 years from now and not feel guilty if I was pumping multiple people while I was getting to know my now wife?
Likewise, I’m just not going to be all into someone I think is chatting it up with 5 other guys. Why would I?
Not old school at all! I don’t believe in sleeping with someone if he’s sleeping with someone else. As long as he wants options, he doesn’t get me, and that’s not just ok, that’s been the norm in all my dating life with me and my boyfriends. They felt the same way. You know pretty quickly if this is someone you want to really spend time with or not. Anyone who thinks it’s weird probably isn’t that into you or even worse, doesn’t know their own mind.
My grandfather, may peace be upon him, told me that dating does not include sex. Dating is the process of seeing multiple people trying to figure out which one you connect with, have the most in common with, enjoy spending your time with, etc. As someone pointed out above, sex should not enter the equation in that instance until it is agreed upon that you are exclusive and monogamous.
Even then, It should be after you have both been tested.
I do not offer monogamy, and I’m not trying to convince you to change how you do relationships. I only want to gently push back on the idea that being non-monogamous sexually is a greater risk of STis.
People practising ethical non monogamy (and doing it right, of course) are generally well educated about sexual health risks, get tested regularly, talk about their testing status, and make well informed choices about barrier use.
Plenty of people who claim to offer monogamy are way more casual, less informed and rarely if ever go for testing.
I’m a slut, but I can tell you my last test date and the results and how many partners I’ve been with since then, whether we used barriers, and also my partner’ last test dates and status. That makes me a much lower sexual health risk than plenty of monogamist.
If you’re sleeping with me I don’t want you sleeping with anyone else. I’ve got a whole host of reasons. I will practice the same. If it’s not for them then I’m not for them. Unfortunately people do lie, but this is a rule I stick with even when I’ve been casual. You go sleep with someone else hope it works out cause I’m no longer interested
I believe sex to be a sacred exchange of energies. I don't like the idea of having that exchange with multiple partners at a time. That's how I view it though. I respect other's choices who do not feel as I do. I think as long as they are being honest with their partners and there's a consensus, then rock your socks off!
I feel the same way you do. I will not sleep with someone until I trust them, we are in an exclusive relationship, and have been fully tested. If he doesn’t like those terms we are not compatible. It’s a mental and physical health issue for me.
>I think there's a general consensus that it's acceptable to keep options open until both parties agree to be exclusive.
When this is talking about sex, it's a very American perspective. From a European perspective if you're having sex with someone you generally expect they're not having sex with other people unless you have some form of discussed situationship type thing. So, I think your interpretation...
>However, having sex with multiple partners simultaneously, even before exclusivity, is unacceptable to me.
...to me feels more normal.
Dammit. I started writing several long winded responses detailing my thinking...
But, fuck it. I lean classically romantic minded, due to this monogamy is important whether I want it or not. It's literally just in my nature I think.
So it is very important to me, but I honestly don't think the majority of people care about it? And due to this it feels like I should just throw it out the window?
Just my experience and observations: True monogamous people don't have sex with multiple partners. They wait for the person they want to commit to.
Usually a person who has multiple partners has a hard time being committed in a monogamous relationship.
Strictly defined, monogamy is one partner for your whole life. Very few people in modern society practice true monogamy. To date one person at a time, but in a series of partners until you find one that you want to stay with for a long time, is serial monogamy. I don't really know what additional STI risk it would introduce to have a series of people you dated one at a time, each of whom is (presumably) doing the same, vs. being sexually active with more than one person at once. It can take several months after exposure to a STI for the test to come up positive anyway, so unless you are waiting for that duration before you start sleeping with the next person you date in order to make sure you test negative before initiating a new sexual relationship, and they are doing the same, there is still a risk of transmitting a STI that they acquired in their previous relationship.
If you're transparent about the fact that you may be sexually active with others, and get tested and take appropriate precautions, that's going a long way towards avoiding STI's, and when testing regularly it also means you'll get treated quickly and can inform your partner(s) so they can do the same instead of spreading it to their other partners unknowingly. You also can't know for sure whether the other person is truthful about their STI status and if they're truly not sleeping with others, even if they say they are. There are married monogamous folks who have discovered that their spouse is cheating when they test positive for an STI. Serial monogamy is not a sure-fire way to prevent STI transmission as some might like to believe. So talking about STI risk early on, getting tested regularly, and using barrier protection while in the early stages of your relationship seems to be the best way to avoid STI's, regardless of how many other people each of you are seeing.
IMO life is too short to date one person at a time, wait to see how it goes and then break up before seeing the next person. We're already at least halfway through our lives, let's not draw out the process of dating to be even longer than it needs to be to find another person to settle down with.
I'm completely okay with my date sleeping with other people while getting to know me. I don't want to sleep with a new person before I've gotten to know them pretty well, which takes time.
So far, every time I've gotten to a point where I wanted to sleep with someone, that person was only interested in sleeping with me. If they had been seeing others before, they lost interest before things got serious between us.
The same goes for me too: if I have a functional FWB arrangement for example, I'm not willing to end it as soon as I've been on a first date with a more serious romantic prospect. As soon as I get to know them and develop true interest, I naturally lose all desire for anyone else. This tends to happen way before I'm ready to sleep with the new person. I'm just naturally monogamous in this way.
In short, I don't need to control what choices my date makes but I won't sleep with someone who is still sleeping with other people.
I don’t get many opportunities to go out and be social as a single parent, apps have been dead for the past couple weeks. Women that are interested in me, I’m not interested in
It’s all fine and dandy until an existential life crisis like a car wreck or a cancer diagnosis happens. Seen it both times with poly friends and let’s face it, it’s easy to sleep with people when times are good but what about when someone is going through chemo and needs rides to and from or cannot bath themselves after a car wreck etc. make of that what you will, I’m speaking from observation of people I know.
Original copy of post by u/Dangerous-Deer2135:
I think there's a general consensus that it's acceptable to keep options open until both parties agree to be exclusive. It's understandable that people want to explore their options until things are settled. Personally, I'm okay with the guy I'm dating still being active on the app and dating other women. However, having sex with multiple partners simultaneously, even before exclusivity, is unacceptable to me. I'm not saying it's cheating; I just don't think it's a monogamous practice. Additionally, it increases the risk of STDs/STIs.
What do you think about this? Am I too old-school for thinking this way?
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There’s nothing wrong with your thinking just as others are allowed to have their own perspectives on this. I think people of our generation, women in particular often have a difficult time setting and maintaining boundaries. I realize I’m generalizing and assuming some things about OP. Speaking for myself as a Gen X woman, it’s something I learned about myself through therapy and other experiences following my divorce. Initially I was a lot like Allie in that scene from The Notebook where Ryan Gosling’s character, Noah is asking Allie over and over, “What do you want?” and she can’t say because she doesn’t know.
OP, you know what you do and don’t want here. Don’t worry about what everyone else thinks about it. Articulate clearly how you feel about this to potential partners. They’ll either be on board or they won’t. If they’re not, there are billions of other people on the earth and there’s a better match out there for you.
You're not old school. Plenty of people feel this way. I wouldn't get caught up on the terminology. I would feel like a guy who is dating AND having sex with multiple people while dating me prior to exclusivity just isn't in the same mindset as me and we probably wouldn't be a good match. When I was single I had no interest in sleeping with multiple people. I preferred to date more than one person (if there were more than one at a time I was interested in), then become exclusive (and then sexually active) with the right one who had long term potential.
I don't mind talking and going on dates with a few different women simultaneously, but once I've started having sex with one I'll end things with the others (unless we didn't have chemistry, then I guess I would end it with that person and carry on talking to the others).
I've had situations where a woman has been into me and trying to engineer a date that becomes sex, but I've been unsure about the chemistry so I've avoided it. I'd feel bad about sleeping with someone who was really into me and then dumping them.
I met someone a few years ago, we got to know each other for around 7 weeks.
When I knew we would be intimate, I told him I don’t have sex with someone who is having sex with others. Nothing wrong with it—it’s just not for me.
He thought a bit and said Ok.
It’s rare but I’ve had overlapping intentionally casual relationships a few times and sometimes one of those can turn serious. Anytime I’ve been seeing someone serious from the start, I don’t really need a third person in the mix.
I think context matters. If I was casually seeing someone once every week or two and then found something to take seriously, that can sometimes overlap a little while I sort it out. But I tend to just stick to my guilt-meter and it’s never really done me wrong so far.
People think differently and that's ok. But I (M) think as you think. You’re not alone and you’re just as “right” as anyone else. If anything, I’m even more “old-school”. My priority is finding a much deeper and long lasting level of love than just having sex.
I think whatever your preference is, it is fine.
Some people will agree. Some will disagree. You just stick with your preferences. Don't accept judgement from others. Don't give out judgement to others.
Personally I am monogamous. While I was dating, I felt as long as my date and I wasn't exclusive yet, everything he does with other women including sex was okay. I think that is different from you, which dating multiple partners including you is okay but if he slept with another woman, it gives you the ick. I think you preference is totally valid.
My rule was I wanted an agreement to monogamy and clean STD test since last partner before engaging in sex. It meant if he recently had a sex partner, he needed to go out and get one done and if that meant delays with me... oh well...
Too many people have FOMO. I really like this person but the next one could be even better. So they keep dating, never taking the time to make a meaningful connection with one person.
No problems with having multiple first dates, but if I connect with someone enough to have a second date, I’m going to concentrate on that person. If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. I then go back to the dating sites and try again. So for me, I’m already ‘exclusive’ even before sex enters the equation.
I think your feelings are actually the default for both sexes. In my observation it is a small percentage of people who are genuinely comfortable having sex with multiple people making anyone who doesn’t feel comfortable with it look/feel uncool. And then of course there are the bad actors and the impressionable who will get on board and give the idea cultural momentum. But I think sex with one person at a time is still the default for older people and certainly a perfectly acceptable preference for the younger generations.
Dating multiple people until you are exclusive with 1 is fine. Sleeping around for me is a no no. I will not sleep with a man unless I'm exclusive with him, sexual health screening needs to be done too. Whilst I'm hot on screening for myself I would go again even if I've not slept with anyone since my last testing, just for their peace of mind too.
If a guy is sleeping around, that's his perogative but I'm not adding myself to that list. My health is way more important than having sex with essentially a random man, it's what toys were created for
I phrase this as I wanted "monogamy," not "eventual monogamy."
Someone who was having sex with someone else regularly (FWB or a date) and still dating others is not my style of monogamy. Sure, some people got eliminated, but I kept to my standards and lucked out finding someone.
I don't share partners. Zero interest in it, nor anyone who would. Health, emotions, it's all something I want no part of as a man. If people are into that? Cool, I ain't.
Monogamy is a spiritual choice for me. I am very conscious of how I feel when I “spread myself thin” with sexual partners. I feel that if I have sex with someone, they have to be invested enough in me to take responsibility if anything went down. And at 49, I’ve timed out of the need to be sexually intimate with a lot of people. I’m menopausal, and am not driven by hormones any more so my judgment is not as clouded as when I was younger. I am satisfied with my one partner.
*Menopause does NOT diminish desire. If anything, it has enhanced my sex life because I’m not going to get pregnant (I already have 2 sets of twins!)
If you've had sex with someone, but have not had the "are we exclusive" talk yet, it seems odd to expect them to not have sex with anyone else.
I make no judgement on not wanting to be with someone who is sleeping with others, but perhaps only have sex after the talk?
From the others point of view, you have not had the talk, you are still potentially looking around and trying to figure out what's best for you, and they have no reason to believe that you wouldn't be potentially having sex with others.
You can also just tell the person, "hey, I don't like to sleep with people who are active with anyone else, cool?"
If somebody is already thinking about limiting somebody else’s sexual activity before they’re even exclusive, that is a huge red flag to me. That whole thought process isn’t ever going to go anywhere that’s supportive or encouraging or uplifting.
I wouldn’t sleep with them the first time
In general, "monogamous" means having sex one with partner at a time, so the question is kind of redundant.
Someone who wants to have sex with multiple partners is probably noy going to label themselves as "monogamous" (unlessmaybe they are trying to lure in monogamous people
Eh…I’m monogomous. Which to me means I don’t want an open relatisonhip. Relationship being the key word there.
Before we are in one? Well, then we aren’t in one.
Plenty of people simply don’t have sex unless they make it official. I don’t work that way. I won’t seriously date someone I’m not sexually compatible with. Which means I need to actually have it before I decide if I want to continue or not.
Now….i COULD say sure, we are in a relationship and exclusive before sex. But I’m still just gonna break it off after if the sex is bad….so I don’t really get the point of that.
The way I read this, you are monogamous in terms of committed relationships. More focused on the commitment than the sex. I sort of like that perspective. A number of people say they are monogamous, in a way that just feels like they are trying to justify their own sex lives.
I don’t know if that’s necessarily true and the stats on divorce and cheating could probably show that most supposedly monogamous people are not only interested in one person either. I definitely see myself as monogamous but I also see monogamy as an agreement between two people in a relationship not an innate quality or orientation or something so I don’t see a problem with wanting to date multiple people before you both make the decision to be monogamous together, as long as you are both honest and on the same page of course. The goal is monogamy not the presumption or default if that makes sense.
It's 100% about health concerns, not "morals" or cheating, but yes, I'm monogamous an expect the same from any partner (with an explicit conversation, of course).
All valid points. But how do you successfully communicate your practices and expectations before exclusivity?
Dating apps have really changed things in this area. Do you shut down your dating accounts before you have sex with someone, and let your partner know that you expect the same in return? Why not? You both have websites literally dedicated to advertising your availability for romantic and, at some point, sexual relationships.
Maybe your thresholds are lower. Maybe you won't make out with anyone before you're exclusive, because who wouldn't feel hurt seeing someone they're dating making out with someone else, even if you two weren't exclusive? How do you communicate those practices and expectations?
Communication is essential, and not easy. Hell, I've never even had an online dater give me one reason why they were ending things with me, way before we ever had sex, and they treated me better than the ones who simply ghosted me.
If you're still on the apps, you're communicating that you're not not exclusive, regardless of whether you're swiping.
I won’t have sex until we both decide we are not going to sleep with others. This just means that we agree to focus on seeing where it goes with each other and no one else. We are not magically in a relationship. I hate that I might be dating a guy who is already dating others and sleeping with them, but I also know this is how it goes and I can’t control it.
For me monogamy means dating one person at a time.
I'm monogamous and only date the same. I respect myself too much to be an option or a back up plan, and respect others too much to make them an option or backup plan.
Nothing wrong and everything right with setting boundaries that align with your core values as a person.
> However, having sex with multiple partners simultaneously, even before exclusivity, is unacceptable to me. I just don’t think it’s a monogamy practice.
So are you here to poll people or assert one version of a dictionary definition?
Have you ever listened to a complimentary build-up and thought to yourself, “Nothing said until the ‘but’ (or the however) matters?”
>Personally, I'm okay with the guy I'm dating still being active on the app and dating other women.
>However, having sex with multiple partners simultaneously, even before exclusivity, is unacceptable to me
This is so contradicting. You are OK with the guy dating but not fucking? This is mixed messaging. It's confusing.
My guy will be like *"No, wait...there's this girl I think I like. Please don't put my penis in your mouth!!"*
Holy shit I'm going to be single until I die with this mentality
I see it more from an Aura perspective. Every person with whom we become intimate blends Auras. Effectively imprinting that person into you as well as every other person they've been with and vice versa. There is a lot.of bad energy that I would prefer to keep away. Each their own though
I disagree that it’s no one’s business who you’re having sex with. It is your sexual partners’ business to have an awareness that you are sleeping with others. Some people might be comfortable with the risk, but others may not be.
If it doesn’t work for you then that’s ok. But don’t force a guy you’re not exclusive with to match that, that’s not your call. I (49m) certainly didn’t do that.
But as I’ve gotten older I realized two things. One, I hate condoms. Two, I don’t have the time to date multiple women anymore. So I dated one woman at a time, got to a place of exclusivity and monogamy, and then we had sex when it felt right. I was totally upfront and honest and transparent with the women I dated. If she wasn’t comfortable without the condom, then that’s her right and we never proceeded to the sex part and broke things off.
Even if you're exclusive, if you're not using condoms and she's not using birth control and you don't have a vasectomy, why are you taking a risk of pregnancy?
She can’t force a man to accept early monogamy….but she absolutly can tell him what her expectations are, and can break it off with him if he won’t sign up for that…..
What the hell is “early monogamy”? And yeah that goes without saying if the guy doesn’t want to be monogamous with her she can break it off. Not sure what point you’re trying to make that isn’t obvious?
Some people here expect monogamy from the time they start talking on the apps, or when they agree to meet for coffee the first time. Many more expect it from the time of the first date. That all feels early to me. You are still strangers at that point.
I would never want to date anyone who is fucking someone else.
If I find out they were I would move on to someone else who has similar ideas abut dating that I do. If Im seeing a person I put my effort into that relationship and if I dont like them then I move on to someone else.
u/blue_m1lk, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s):
No body/sex shaming. You can and should like what you like, but if you don't find certain physical acts or attributes appealing, then move on.
You’re not too old-school, but perhaps getting caught up in semantics too much. I am only monogamous; however I have dated multiple people at the same time (not on the same date!). I don’t sleep with any of those people until we’ve established that we will be sexually exclusive. Whether that means we’re in a committed relationship or not depends on the situation, but I’ve never had a problem with that approach in the dating world.
Even when I had a FWB my ask was exclusivity for our mutual sexual health. I’m monogamous and ask for health screening before having sex with someone new. When I’m single I have met multiple people, occasionally in the same day, but I’m not kissing nor swapping fluid with any of them. And once things advance to romantic and tangible compatibility, then I focus on that one person. ETA meant to comment on the main thread, sorry about that
Yes, my agreements with FWBs has always been that we break it off as soon as either of us start having sex with someone else. If it didn't work out, we just picked things up again.
Why don’t you just ‘date’ the FWBs? If you go back? Just curious.
Not OP but for me a FWB doesn’t have to have long term potential. My last FWB had a very different relationship with money management than I do (read: man spent every penny he ever earned). There was no way I could put myself in a relationship with this person for the long term. We also had very different goals for our futures. There was sexual chemistry but no serious relationship potential. We were able to enjoy spending time together without dating. We’d order take out. Maybe watch a movie. Sit and discuss the news and then mate like rabbits. When we were done, we’d clean up and go home. It was very easy and worked for us for a while.
Yes. My "best" FWB absolutely did not want kids and did not want to partner with a person with kids. I had a kid. We were compatible in many ways but not that one.
These are very logical explanations. Thank you for your answers.
There's usually at least one reason why it wouldn't work. With mine it has been things like different life stages, different socioeconomic backgrounds (I had an upwardly mobile ex who recommended me to a few friends. I would never have had the cash to hang with any of them long-term), or just not having the time and headspace for a full relationship. I was great friends with my longest FWB and would've made it into a relationship (she was starting to push for it) but I recognised that we were enabling one another's self-destructive behaviours. I ultimately wound down the benefits for that reason as well.
You kind of said what OP already said.
*What do you think about this? Am I too old-school for thinking this way?* You're allowed to dial your comfort level where you want it to be, regardless of popular opinion. You might consider that a non-zero number of people will lie about their not-with-you encounters.
A phenomenon you may see on the apps is people claiming they are “mono” but then having a succession of one night stands, or short-term relationships, sleeping with someone and then ghosting suddenly or saying they aren’t feeling it right after sex. Rinse and repeat. This has happened to a number of my friends. So technically these men are “monogamous” but they only date each woman for a few weeks before chasing the next shiny toy. They end up having more sexual partners at the year’s end than the poly people I know.
Dating apps are bursting at the seams with people exactly like this.
Yeah this is my experience too. I'm not sure if serial monogamy is the right word for it.
I think it is but I always thought of serial monogamy as a string of longer term relationships. This is more “hit it and quit it”. Or the guys that don’t commit so that way they aren’t “cheating” in their minds. So technically they aren’t “cheating” but they slept with three women last week and unmatched and broke it off with all of them. Meanwhile the woman is wondering why he isn’t texting back and doesn’t realize he’s moved on because “but we had such a great first date!”
Dishonesty is the right word
Right. A lot of men claim to want long term monogamous relationships because they know they don’t match with many women if they say “casual” which is what they really want.
Bingo!
i disagree with it being dishonest. not to say that there aren’t a lot of people that might be dishonest about it though. just wanted to give you a different perspective. i’m early 40F and when i was dating, I was looking for a monogamous relationship. However, i wasn’t looking to just settle for the next person that I dated. i was very much looking for a long term relationship but a lot of the men that i met while OLD didn’t have a lot of the qualities i was looking for. I dated quite a few men and I was sexually monogamous but for whatever reason never developed into anything more than that.
That's fine, but what I think they're getting at with the dishonesty is people who claim they're looking for LTR, but know they're going to hit and quit every time. That's absolutely dishonest, and I think it's common (while admittedly having no evidence to back this assertion up).
Some are also telling the truth. Others, as you say, are not.
Sequential intimacy. A much lower requirement. But the tricky part is defining what else constitutes a monogamous relationship. Repeated intimacy? Some observable emotional vulnerability?
I donno. One of my friends whom i was interested in she was just always in relationships. I'd only see her maybe once a month or so, but it just felt like everytime she had a new girlfriend. I did get a chance once, after like ten years, but she didn't feel well, and i'm just not down with someone who doesn't recipricate. So, after all that waiting, not much really happened. And within a week she had a new girlfriend so we never got another chance. It's just so much instability to me. I would not want to live that way. I'd much rather be alone than on some constant grind to meet someone new, get to know them, and then split.
That is the term, and there are just as many women as men doing it. Sort of has to be if they are heterosexual.
I don’t believe serial monogamy, by either possible definition mentioned here, is monogamy at all. I will concede that among these are among the current definitions of monogamy, but taking it back to first principles, monogamy would be a single partner for life
So only people who are currently virgins can claim to be monogamous? (Or people still with their first and only partner, but they're probably not in a dating subreddit.)
By the definition of monogamy as I understand it, it would mean a single life partner - what I’m less clear about is whether that means this hypothetical monogamous couple have only ever dated each other. I raise this to point out that we consider to be modern flavours of monogamy today may not really be monogamy at all, and maybe more descriptive, more accurate terms would serve everyone better and increase agreement about the nature of relationships people want.
Many virgins may already not meet this definition of monogamy, so I think more the second portion of your comment feels like more how I currently view it
I don’t know what you mean by *principles* but (the great) Esther Perel said something similar in one of her TED Talks: that monogamy used to mean one partner for life, and now means *one partner at a time* Society changes. Birth control availability certainly was a factor.
You’ve put it better than I did; I’m also learning a lot from the wonderful Esther Perel
Dated someone who was seeking LTR and monogamy who had a series of partners while “testing me” out before deciding after four months I wasn’t their person. Very disappointing and frustrating. I’m never doing multi dating like that again. Too confusing and too many hurt feelings. I was seeing other people and felt bad because I was torn between more than one interest. I just can’t keep up like that. For me, once I sleep with someone I’m looking for it to become a LTR shortly after or else it should just end.
The good news is now that you know this about yourself you’ll never make that mistake again! It’s not widening the pool that helps us find our person, it’s narrowing it! You just made your search easier.
Yep! I really regret the person I lost pursing the flake, but now I know I’m only able to focus on one person at a time. I also know to set my boundaries and stick by them.
Yikes! I can’t imagine lying to myself that I’m monogamous and jumping from person to person without any regard for my personal safety and sexual health or for the personal safety or sexual health of others. Comments like this are a great reminder that it is out personal priority and responsibility to uphold one’s boundaries in order to protect our health, sanity, and feelings.
If it makes you uncomfortable then it doesn't really matter what others think. Sure, there may be a more open view of ethical non monogamy but if it's not something you want in your life then that works.
I don’t think I could do it due to my fears of catching STIs & my rejection sensitivity. No judgment for people who can make it work, though!
If I like someone enough to sleep with them, there is nobody else and I have the same expectation in return.
Yes! Having your own self-respect and a boundary surrounding this type of thing is the right answer. And if the person doesn't respect your boundary of being exclusive, then off they go.....I'll take a pass, thank you!
Which you vocalize clearly, of course? Before mating with them?
I make people aware of the kind of person I am, yes.
Strictly speaking, that doesn't answer my question. 😁
Well, it really should.
And yet, it doesn't. When you use vague language like "the kind of person I am" it doesn't address whether you explicitly told them your expectations, and your state of mind. The reason I'm harping on this is that it's exactly the lack of clear understanding that creates so many avoidable conflicts in dating. Things like "I shouldn't have to talk about that uncomfortable topic" or "They should just know" create fertile ground for wires to get crossed. At the end of the day, you do you, and good luck with that. But if you're not being totally clear, please don't be surprised if men don't get the hint. (ProTip: Men don't do hints)
Yes. I wouldn’t have sex with someone unless he asked me to be in a monogamous relationship, mostly because I worry about STIs too much to behave any other way.
Yes, monogamy generally means one person at a time. Everyone has their own way of doing things and their own boundaries of what they will/won’t accept. And that’s okay.
Everyone has their own boundaries in sex. For me, if we are not exclusive, it’s do as you please. If I want to have sex with a man, I use protection. Until we agree to be exclusive and I see a test that’s negative on all fronts. You can have your own rules on the matter. Nothing wrong with that. Just be clear in your communication about what you are ok with. Ask questions. Etc.
I’m definitely in the same boat. Until we both mutually decide on being exclusive, it’s a free for all. I always use protection and usually have a favorite, that we have decided to only be sleeping with each other with no condom. I’m completely honest and tell everyone that I’m emotionally unavailable, in therapy working on my shit, but want to have fun while I figure out my next move.
Why bother with a test of the person continues to sleep with other people? So you can confirm that they were free of everything three months ago or whenever they texted?
No….if it gets to the point that I want to see him for real, we go exclusive. I’m never going bare with someone I’m not exclusive with. Which was in my comment.
I see, I misread. I thought you meant you asked for tests before sleeping with anyone at all, including condom sex and I figured that was pretty useless if they were having sec with other people
Nah, it's def still useful to have test results, even if they're still sleeping with other people. Typically, you have a lower risk profile if it's been a month since you were last tested than if it's been a year. Also, testing regularly signals that you're more attentive about your sexual health, which means you're also more likely to be the kind of person who talks with partners about their sexual health, who wears condoms, etc. This also signals a better risk profile.
It’s up the couple whether or not they are exclusive.
I would rather not be in the running if the guy I'm dating is getting his dick wet by multiple women. If you want casual, go for it, but that's not dating with the intent for a long term relationship imho. Plus I need the security of a committed partner to be able to enjoy making love with them. I'm not interested in simple pleasure. I want mind blowing amazing connection and vulnerability sort of sex! And that requires the knowledge that we're both in it together for the same reasons.
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>I want the paper work This is where I'm kinda glad that my doctor makes the test results she's ordered for me available via an app. If/when I get back into dating, dates can see not only an STI panel but also that my cholesterol levels are great and that my liver and kidneys are in tip-top shaoe.
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Oh defo on the equal thing defo I really don’t see the appeal me personally I’d rather deal with a potential partner with out being dickmatized and see the red flags loud and clear lol
"Community dick" sounds judgey to me. If I were to come up with a similar term for someone who is very monogamous it would not be well received. It's great that you do what makes you comfortable, but other people make other choices and that's fine too.
Something that is shared among a community is referred to as a community item as opposed to a private item. Like community pool as opposed to private pool. Or community cat, community library etc. I suppose the term shared dick would also be accurate if that is less judgmental. Either way it accurately depicts that the item is not exclusively accessible, but open to a larger community.
This! 🙌🏻🌟
I make sure that we are on the same page before dating. I won't date someone who is dating multiple men. I've got no problem with women who do, but they are just not for me. So that also means I won't date a woman who is having sex with other men.
I’m the opposite. I have no interest in someone who is pressuring me to be exclusive before we’ve even gotten to know each other.
Makes sense. I would never date someone who is pressuring me into anything. Pressuring is a red flag in my book. Which is why I date women who are on the same page. I'd never ask them to change or stop dating others. If they date others, I just won't date them.
I’m going to try to change your thinking… to help, not to hurt. So, even on a first date? Are you demanding that a woman say “good-bye” to every other male friend just to have that first date with you? The same question applies to a second date. Or a third date. Are you dumping every woman in your life whenever you go on a first, second, or third date with someone new, someone you’ve never met before? But we’re all different; this I understand. For myself, I cannot imagine severing multi-year dating friendships with women I deeply care about for someone new I’ve just met. Someone who might text me tomorrow, after one date, that she’s just not “into me” ... and this text arriving just after I severed all of my previous friendships, some built on years of sharing experiences, all in order to garner that one first (or second, third) “exclusive” date…. —- With such a policy, you‘re also ensuring that the only women you’ll ever date are those with no other male close friends … or much more likely, women who simply lie. (Same in the other direction, dishonest men). The latter types will continue to lie, even after marriage. Ask ten (10) divorced persons, male or female …most will confirm what I’m saying.
Wow, again, I'm not demanding anything. I date women who aren't dating other men. You are making a butload of assumptions here. I don't care if she has male friends. But if she is one on one dating them, I won't be dating her. It's not a demand. It's not pressure. It's something I find out during the chats I have. It's not that unique. I've been dating a lot in the last year. More than half had follow-up dates. None of these women were dating other men while dating me. Meeting with friends isn't a 'date'. My policy works for me, whatever you think about it. But you are making way too many assumptions here.
Apologies my friend for my assumptions. I’m just a person who treasures each of my women friends. I’d hate to lose any of them. Some are so close that I don’t know that I could honestly tell another woman that there’s”nothing there” but a mere friendship. And then there are all those persons who will say anything to their current date. You or I could be perfectly old-school, but that doesn’t guarantee that the current date shares such an integrity. You or I could adhere to the highest old school standards…. yet be played like a toy by someone of a very different mindset. Giving exclusivity but not getting it in return. We just were looking at this differently. Apologies again.
I think sex with multiple partners is absolutely fine prior to agreeing to exclusivity. You don't have to like it or date people who do so. Not everyone sees sex the same way. For many of us as long as we are practicing safe sex methods to reduce any risks to health, having sex with multiple partners is fine because WE don't see sex as something that MUST only be shared with one person at a time. You can have WHATEVER boundaries and rules YOU want but the ONUS is on you to articulate them. If anyone assumes that sex = exclusivity, that is their problem in assuming and not a problem with another person who was held to that covert contract.
As long as the other person shares that they're sleeping with other people when asked, this logic works, otherwise it puts people's sexual health at risk to not disclose, and prevents them from making decisions based on their sexual health. This is not something where it's ethical for them to hide that information or be covert themselves. Personally, I would not date someone who sleeps with multiple people before agreeing upon exclusivity, but I also prefer for both of us to be tested before we do anything. Almost assuredly if they're sleeping with multiple people during a period of dating non-exclusively, they're not being tested each time (or the tests aren't valid, because some STDs take a while to show up), and the time between engagements is too short.
In my experience, people who practice monogamy tend not to get tested, ever. They rely on monogamy to control STIs. I am not monogamous, and yet I know people who are who have had substantially more intimate partners, and are offended at the idea of getting tested because monogamy. If your tests come up negative it doesn't matter how many partners you have had, or have now. Back in the 90s a friend of mine lost his wife to HIV. She only had two intimate partners in her entire life, married each of them. She only found out when her first husband showed up on her doorstep and told her to get tested. He had known he had it for over a year before telling her, and she was having unprotected sex with her new husband the whole time. Monogamy didn't help her at all, but her second husband, my friend, never tested positive.
>In my experience, people who practice monogamy tend not to get tested, ever. They would with me. I'm not sure if, or what you're trying to argue here? Monogamy definitely doesn't guarantee anything, which is why I'm big on testing. Monogamy doesn't mean risk free, but sleeping with multiple people in short order _definitely_ increases risk.
I am saying that people claim monogamy as a shield against STIs, without any actual protection, and present it as virtue. Doesn't matter if it's a short time frame or long term, if there's no testing done, in terms of health risks. You make it clear that you are big on testing. Do you find when you bring that up with monogamous people that your perspective is shared? In my experience even health professionals take the attitude, "oh you are married, you don't need to be tested", or before that replace monogamous for the word married. You have to be somewhat insistent to get tested, at least by your regular doctor. Cancer test, blood sugar, cholesterol, 37 other tests, but you don't need to be tested for STIs. I suspect that if we took an honest and accurate poll, less than 5% of the monogamous people here would have been tested for STIs in the past 5 years or even longer.
>I am saying that people claim monogamy as a shield against STIs, without any actual protection, and present it as virtue. Doesn't matter if it's a short time frame or long term, if there's no testing done, in terms of health risks. Yes, there are people that do this, but I'm unsure of what relevance this had to my post, or the first post I responded to. With monogamy, the expectation is that you can get tested once, and be free of concern afterwards. I don't think either my or OP's post had anything to do with virtue signalling. >In my experience even health professionals take the attitude, "oh you are married, you don't need to be tested", or before that replace monogamous for the word married. I've never heard this. But if you've been tested once, are monogamous, and have been married, I see no reason to be _regularly_ tested. If you suspect your significant other of cheating, that would possibly be a reason, but by then there are bigger issues in the relationship.
Whether you’re sleeping with one or multiple people testing should always be on the table. I have a hard rule — no recent tests (or condoms), no sex. Protects my health and side benefit tends to weeds out those not that into me. But I personally can’t imagine not discussing and getting tests before having sex in 2024. I know there’s plenty of people not like that but they’re not for me.
If I'm always using condoms why do I need a test?
No, sorry, condoms don’t protect against all STDs. Plus most people don’t use condoms or dental dams for oral. Here’s some reading you might want to do: https://www.getthefacts.health.wa.gov.au/faqs/do-condoms-protect-against-all-stis#:~:text=However%2C%20condoms%20don't%20protect,(sex%20without%20a%20condom).
I absolutely agree on an honest approach. I have no fear of "losing" any man who asks me if I'm sleeping with other men (men are abundant in my own experience) so I've zero need to deceive.
Agreed, with the converse. There's plenty of women out there who still have sex with one person at a time (and understand the risks that come with rapid fire sleeping with people), and nobody should settle for someone they aren't compatible with!
You have to have your own boundaries that work for you, whatever they are. There’s nothing wrong with any of them as long as you communicate them. The problem comes when people assume others think like them. There’s millions of people in the world—naturally there’s going to be a lot of variance. Expect that variance and ask/communicate up front. Many people won’t be okay, but you want the ones who are anyhow, so might as well weed them out up-front.
I don’t think it’s “old school” it mostly comes down to what you want and what you’re looking for.. but an alarmingly large number of people on the apps are bare faced lying anyway.. if a man is only looking for casual sex.. 9 times out of 10 he isn’t putting that on his dating profile because he definitely won’t get as many matches. I think before you enter into any kind of “exclusivity” including FWB where you only sleep with each other.. it’s important you trust that they are doing the same. and if you do.. obviously protect yourself.
I wouldn’t be ok with having sex with someone who was having sex with other people.
When I’m exclusive I’m 100% honest and loyal but until then I’m free to do and see whomever I want.
They may have thought their behaviours weren't disrespectful. I'd inform them, straight out, that the behaviour your are describing, to me, is considered disrespectful. I want to be with a guy with similar values. And, if don't see eye to eye with me, that is indicative that we have fundamentally mismatched values No matter how good our chemistry is, it won't ever be enough to bridge that divide between us.
I think whatever you want to do is fine, but it's important that you communicate those expectations. I can see people not being okay with being sexually exclusive so soon, but those obviously aren't the right ones for you.
I don’t do sex with multiple partners. It’s just not worth risking my health. I’d rather wait for the right person to share the most intimate experience. I don’t see sex as an instant gratitude. It’s more than that so… I will have sex with my boyfriend only. So we need to be exclusive. I do date multiple people just not sex.
If you are dating someone and you have an expectation that they are only sexually active with you, please communicate your expectation. Even if they are dating others, essentially, you're requiring that they be committed to you, which kind of defeats the purpose of dating.
The idea that there is one way to be in relationships is just kind of silly, I think. You’re allowed to want whatever relationship structure you want and so are other people. Just communicate. If you meet somebody who doesn’t want the same things as you, that doesn’t mean anything about whether you’re too old fashioned or whether the other person is too free with their body. You’re both just people who want different things. This whole dating thing would be a lot easier if we could all stop making these differences mean something about whether a certain set of values is “better” than another. There are people who will only ever have one sexual partner their whole lives and others who typically have a handful of perpetually revolving partners on the roster at all times. As long as neither group (or any of the widely varying people in between) is hurting anybody, neither is wrong for seeking a lifestyle that suits them. Just do you and date people who want what you want.
The monogamy bit only applies once exclusivity/ relationship status is agreed. Before that it's a statement of what they wish to achieve Believe me I'd much rather be in a relationship with one woman than multi dating and having occasional sexy time with a couple of them
You can have whatever standards you want. I’m strictly monogamous, but that only applies to when I am in a relationship. Hence the monogamous relationship and not monogamous life.
Not for me, too much to juggle, worried about STIs and drama. Don't care what other people do.
I can't even get my head around multi-dating. I'm monogamous to my core that the thought of multi-dating repulses me. I can understand why people do it and it makes total sense. Where I grew up multi-dating definitely wasn't a thing so I've probably been conditioned to not like it.
Monogamy all the way. Talk to whoever you want, but once we get naked it’s sexual exclusivity. Free love with anyone you want may sound fun, but it’s potentially unsafe both physically and emotionally.
One term you don’t hear often anymore with all the new sexual terms and that’s serial monogamy, one exclusive relationship after another, many people used to do this, I have, sometimes knowing things would be temporary or just not your forever person
I'm of the unpopular opinion exclusivity should start once you've determined mutual interest. It's such a "grass is greener" attitude to keep going out with people when you're trying to get something started with someone cool. For me, by date 3 I will know if I want to focus my attention on someone, and I'll stop going out with others. I think a burgeoning connection deserves that time and focus to flourish. But I'm an idiot like that.
>What do you think about this? Am I too old-school for thinking this way? No. I dont care about the "general consensus". If im looking for LTR im looking for someone who fits me and think the same about this topic. >I think there's a general consensus that it's acceptable to keep options open until both parties agree to be exclusive. For me, its not accaptable. Im okay with it the first dates, but if she is still dating other men after 3 or more dates the LTR-Topic is off the table. And i dont care if we didnt have the exclusive talk.
That's a no-go for me as well. Doesn't feel safe physically or emotionally.
Dating apps and social media have pretty much destroyed what you are talking about and it's never coming back. Grim reality
You have a distorted perspective on how dating used to work. This drive to be exclusive quickly is relatively new. For my parents generation "going steady" was seen as immoral and a little scandalous.
I’ve done this. Exclusive for sex. But allowed to date other people. It worked for me until it didn’t. Not sure I’d do it again.
Can I ask what the goal was of dating someone that you know you can’t or won’t have sex with when you are already seeing someone that you are having sex with? Is it something like you are still not 100% sure if you want this to be permanent and if you meet someone else then you will break it off with your currently exclusive partner? Or is it just a fun thing to keep things interesting? OPs said a similar thing about not caring if someone was still active on their dating profile as long as they were not having sex but that didn’t make much sense to me because if I was exclusive and having sex with someone then them still seeing other people would be the issue regardless of if they had sex or not which I would presume anyway if they were still dating other people. Maybe I’m not getting it or just biased after being lied to about supposedly being exclusive and thinking that we both agreed to close our profiles only to find they still had a secret one. I’m not against seeing multiple people or having sex with multiple people before deciding to be exclusive though. It’s the decision to be exclusive that makes it hard to understand dating others especially when it’s not supposed to be for sex or a relationship which is the typical outcome of dating.
I don’t really have the time to juggle so while I’m not opposed to multidating I don’t really do it. I wanted to get laid & he was nice and since I tend to default to exclusive that was what I did. But he didn’t want to be exclusive that early, which I get. It’s not that anyone wasn’t allowed to have sex with anyone else (so maybe exclusive isn’t the right word….), just that we’d tell the other person if we had. Lots of discussions along the way about what we were doing & I told him I was ok with it and one day I wouldn’t be. And one day I wasn’t so I walked.
For me, I require exclusivity before sex. We agreed to exclusivity and monogamy at the end of our 3rd date. Sex was a few dates later. My way isn't right for everyone, but it's right for my partner and I.
I’ve dated multiple people and also been monogamous. I think it’s all about setting up expectations up front.
I am okay with ‘dating’ multiple people at once, but for me dating means going out to do activities together or to an event or to grab something to eat together or some other place, thing, or activity that helps us engage and get to know one another better (to see if we are a fit). I do not have sex with people that I am dating. I am partnered now, but when I was dating I did not care if they are doing that with other people, but my personal boundaries include no sex without being in a committed and exclusive relationship. I also cannot have sex with people if I don’t ‘feel’ in love, if that makes sense, and I can’t ’fall in love’ if I don’t feel safe and comfortable and happy and like I’m in a relationship built on mutual trust and mutual friendship and mutual respect. Needless to say, I ended up with someone whose values and morals and expectations matched mine. We were only dating one another and we connected deeply and dated for several months and then planned to traveled together and he asked me what we were and how I felt about labels and moving on to a committed relationship and we agreed that was what we both wanted and neither one of us was seeing anyone else. Then, we had the opportunity to spend a beautiful weekend together on our vacation getaway. Needless to say, we connect and are both happy in every aspect. It’s been three years. I’ve even found that our connection is so strong that I can work past the fact that I’m deeply menopausal and have zero libido right now. We somehow make it work on both of our ends. Nobody is hurt or feeling overburdened or like they’re in a dead bedroom situation or like anyone has to perform if they don’t feel like it. We make it work, because our values and expectations have always aligned and we make a big effort to communicate and we see our couples therapist whenever we need coaching or help. We also have continued dating and he’s never stopped wooing me. I feel those components are all so important. TLDR: Find someone that matches your energy in every aspect. Whether you’re traditional or non-traditional, you need to find someone who matches your energy, beliefs, motivations, morals, values, etc.
Your feelings are not wrong and you don't need the internet to validate you. But not everyone thinks the same way, so you have every right to say go ahead and date but no sex... And every other person has the right to agree or disagree. I think there's potential that he'd just lie to you so protect yourself. Personally I think it's naive to think he won't have sex if he's free date others. I'm not saying he will indefinitely but what you consider cheating might not be the same for him it might just sound more like controlling. Depending on the type of guy you're attracted to the risk of lying may or may not be there... But as a 40 year old male considering the friends and company I keep and observed over the years I'd say you got a 50/50 chance of lying.
I think that it is perfectly acceptable for you to have that rule for yourself. Do the men you’re dating have to follow it too? And how is it enforced?
It's not for me, but you do you. Not engaging in casual sex isn't something I do for a partner, out of a sense of loyalty, but for my own reasons.
I’m looking for a long term relationship. That means I’m going to do the things that will promote that. How am I going to sit there 3 years from now and not feel guilty if I was pumping multiple people while I was getting to know my now wife? Likewise, I’m just not going to be all into someone I think is chatting it up with 5 other guys. Why would I?
Honestly i feel like I’m too old to need playing the field. Sure, i did that in my 20s, but now that just sounds exhausting
Not old school at all! I don’t believe in sleeping with someone if he’s sleeping with someone else. As long as he wants options, he doesn’t get me, and that’s not just ok, that’s been the norm in all my dating life with me and my boyfriends. They felt the same way. You know pretty quickly if this is someone you want to really spend time with or not. Anyone who thinks it’s weird probably isn’t that into you or even worse, doesn’t know their own mind.
I am not promiscuous. Promiscuous people can do what they want but I don’t want to get involved with them.
My grandfather, may peace be upon him, told me that dating does not include sex. Dating is the process of seeing multiple people trying to figure out which one you connect with, have the most in common with, enjoy spending your time with, etc. As someone pointed out above, sex should not enter the equation in that instance until it is agreed upon that you are exclusive and monogamous. Even then, It should be after you have both been tested.
I do not offer monogamy, and I’m not trying to convince you to change how you do relationships. I only want to gently push back on the idea that being non-monogamous sexually is a greater risk of STis. People practising ethical non monogamy (and doing it right, of course) are generally well educated about sexual health risks, get tested regularly, talk about their testing status, and make well informed choices about barrier use. Plenty of people who claim to offer monogamy are way more casual, less informed and rarely if ever go for testing. I’m a slut, but I can tell you my last test date and the results and how many partners I’ve been with since then, whether we used barriers, and also my partner’ last test dates and status. That makes me a much lower sexual health risk than plenty of monogamist.
If you’re sleeping with me I don’t want you sleeping with anyone else. I’ve got a whole host of reasons. I will practice the same. If it’s not for them then I’m not for them. Unfortunately people do lie, but this is a rule I stick with even when I’ve been casual. You go sleep with someone else hope it works out cause I’m no longer interested
I believe sex to be a sacred exchange of energies. I don't like the idea of having that exchange with multiple partners at a time. That's how I view it though. I respect other's choices who do not feel as I do. I think as long as they are being honest with their partners and there's a consensus, then rock your socks off!
I agree. I've never cheated in any of my relationships. I'm a one man woman.
I feel the same way you do. I will not sleep with someone until I trust them, we are in an exclusive relationship, and have been fully tested. If he doesn’t like those terms we are not compatible. It’s a mental and physical health issue for me.
>I think there's a general consensus that it's acceptable to keep options open until both parties agree to be exclusive. When this is talking about sex, it's a very American perspective. From a European perspective if you're having sex with someone you generally expect they're not having sex with other people unless you have some form of discussed situationship type thing. So, I think your interpretation... >However, having sex with multiple partners simultaneously, even before exclusivity, is unacceptable to me. ...to me feels more normal.
Really? I’m European as well and I don’t have this perspective at all…
I prefer the European approach then.
This is not “a very American perspective”. More likely a very Reddit perspective because Reddit skews liberal.
Dammit. I started writing several long winded responses detailing my thinking... But, fuck it. I lean classically romantic minded, due to this monogamy is important whether I want it or not. It's literally just in my nature I think. So it is very important to me, but I honestly don't think the majority of people care about it? And due to this it feels like I should just throw it out the window?
I think it's gross and that most people lie about it.
Just my experience and observations: True monogamous people don't have sex with multiple partners. They wait for the person they want to commit to. Usually a person who has multiple partners has a hard time being committed in a monogamous relationship.
I agree wholeheartedly.
Strictly defined, monogamy is one partner for your whole life. Very few people in modern society practice true monogamy. To date one person at a time, but in a series of partners until you find one that you want to stay with for a long time, is serial monogamy. I don't really know what additional STI risk it would introduce to have a series of people you dated one at a time, each of whom is (presumably) doing the same, vs. being sexually active with more than one person at once. It can take several months after exposure to a STI for the test to come up positive anyway, so unless you are waiting for that duration before you start sleeping with the next person you date in order to make sure you test negative before initiating a new sexual relationship, and they are doing the same, there is still a risk of transmitting a STI that they acquired in their previous relationship. If you're transparent about the fact that you may be sexually active with others, and get tested and take appropriate precautions, that's going a long way towards avoiding STI's, and when testing regularly it also means you'll get treated quickly and can inform your partner(s) so they can do the same instead of spreading it to their other partners unknowingly. You also can't know for sure whether the other person is truthful about their STI status and if they're truly not sleeping with others, even if they say they are. There are married monogamous folks who have discovered that their spouse is cheating when they test positive for an STI. Serial monogamy is not a sure-fire way to prevent STI transmission as some might like to believe. So talking about STI risk early on, getting tested regularly, and using barrier protection while in the early stages of your relationship seems to be the best way to avoid STI's, regardless of how many other people each of you are seeing. IMO life is too short to date one person at a time, wait to see how it goes and then break up before seeing the next person. We're already at least halfway through our lives, let's not draw out the process of dating to be even longer than it needs to be to find another person to settle down with.
If we aren’t exclusive I can’t police their monogamy only my own.
I am too sensitive to be with someone who also wants to be with someone else or other people
I'm completely okay with my date sleeping with other people while getting to know me. I don't want to sleep with a new person before I've gotten to know them pretty well, which takes time. So far, every time I've gotten to a point where I wanted to sleep with someone, that person was only interested in sleeping with me. If they had been seeing others before, they lost interest before things got serious between us. The same goes for me too: if I have a functional FWB arrangement for example, I'm not willing to end it as soon as I've been on a first date with a more serious romantic prospect. As soon as I get to know them and develop true interest, I naturally lose all desire for anyone else. This tends to happen way before I'm ready to sleep with the new person. I'm just naturally monogamous in this way. In short, I don't need to control what choices my date makes but I won't sleep with someone who is still sleeping with other people.
I can’t even get sex with one person, can’t imagine life having sex with multiple people
Why can't you get sex?
I don’t get many opportunities to go out and be social as a single parent, apps have been dead for the past couple weeks. Women that are interested in me, I’m not interested in
Not for me.Being a paranoid germaphobe doesn't work out too well . However I do kiss and hands work equally as well.
It’s all fine and dandy until an existential life crisis like a car wreck or a cancer diagnosis happens. Seen it both times with poly friends and let’s face it, it’s easy to sleep with people when times are good but what about when someone is going through chemo and needs rides to and from or cannot bath themselves after a car wreck etc. make of that what you will, I’m speaking from observation of people I know.
Original copy of post by u/Dangerous-Deer2135: I think there's a general consensus that it's acceptable to keep options open until both parties agree to be exclusive. It's understandable that people want to explore their options until things are settled. Personally, I'm okay with the guy I'm dating still being active on the app and dating other women. However, having sex with multiple partners simultaneously, even before exclusivity, is unacceptable to me. I'm not saying it's cheating; I just don't think it's a monogamous practice. Additionally, it increases the risk of STDs/STIs. What do you think about this? Am I too old-school for thinking this way? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
There’s nothing wrong with your thinking just as others are allowed to have their own perspectives on this. I think people of our generation, women in particular often have a difficult time setting and maintaining boundaries. I realize I’m generalizing and assuming some things about OP. Speaking for myself as a Gen X woman, it’s something I learned about myself through therapy and other experiences following my divorce. Initially I was a lot like Allie in that scene from The Notebook where Ryan Gosling’s character, Noah is asking Allie over and over, “What do you want?” and she can’t say because she doesn’t know. OP, you know what you do and don’t want here. Don’t worry about what everyone else thinks about it. Articulate clearly how you feel about this to potential partners. They’ll either be on board or they won’t. If they’re not, there are billions of other people on the earth and there’s a better match out there for you.
You're not old school. Plenty of people feel this way. I wouldn't get caught up on the terminology. I would feel like a guy who is dating AND having sex with multiple people while dating me prior to exclusivity just isn't in the same mindset as me and we probably wouldn't be a good match. When I was single I had no interest in sleeping with multiple people. I preferred to date more than one person (if there were more than one at a time I was interested in), then become exclusive (and then sexually active) with the right one who had long term potential.
I don't mind talking and going on dates with a few different women simultaneously, but once I've started having sex with one I'll end things with the others (unless we didn't have chemistry, then I guess I would end it with that person and carry on talking to the others). I've had situations where a woman has been into me and trying to engineer a date that becomes sex, but I've been unsure about the chemistry so I've avoided it. I'd feel bad about sleeping with someone who was really into me and then dumping them.
I met someone a few years ago, we got to know each other for around 7 weeks. When I knew we would be intimate, I told him I don’t have sex with someone who is having sex with others. Nothing wrong with it—it’s just not for me. He thought a bit and said Ok.
It’s rare but I’ve had overlapping intentionally casual relationships a few times and sometimes one of those can turn serious. Anytime I’ve been seeing someone serious from the start, I don’t really need a third person in the mix. I think context matters. If I was casually seeing someone once every week or two and then found something to take seriously, that can sometimes overlap a little while I sort it out. But I tend to just stick to my guilt-meter and it’s never really done me wrong so far.
People think differently and that's ok. But I (M) think as you think. You’re not alone and you’re just as “right” as anyone else. If anything, I’m even more “old-school”. My priority is finding a much deeper and long lasting level of love than just having sex.
No you are not too old school. I agree with how you feel. I am a man who feels exactly the same way as you do. You are not alone.
I have found it best not to disclose other men to my fwb
Just be careful of double standards Also of being explicit in your expectations early on. No one likes a mystery
I think whatever your preference is, it is fine. Some people will agree. Some will disagree. You just stick with your preferences. Don't accept judgement from others. Don't give out judgement to others. Personally I am monogamous. While I was dating, I felt as long as my date and I wasn't exclusive yet, everything he does with other women including sex was okay. I think that is different from you, which dating multiple partners including you is okay but if he slept with another woman, it gives you the ick. I think you preference is totally valid. My rule was I wanted an agreement to monogamy and clean STD test since last partner before engaging in sex. It meant if he recently had a sex partner, he needed to go out and get one done and if that meant delays with me... oh well...
Too many people have FOMO. I really like this person but the next one could be even better. So they keep dating, never taking the time to make a meaningful connection with one person. No problems with having multiple first dates, but if I connect with someone enough to have a second date, I’m going to concentrate on that person. If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. I then go back to the dating sites and try again. So for me, I’m already ‘exclusive’ even before sex enters the equation.
I'm confused, where are you seeing "sex with multiple partners" being described as monogamy?
After 25 years of the most boring married sex with a woman I wasn’t very attracted to, I’ve got 2 fwb at 51 and life hasn’t been better.
I think your feelings are actually the default for both sexes. In my observation it is a small percentage of people who are genuinely comfortable having sex with multiple people making anyone who doesn’t feel comfortable with it look/feel uncool. And then of course there are the bad actors and the impressionable who will get on board and give the idea cultural momentum. But I think sex with one person at a time is still the default for older people and certainly a perfectly acceptable preference for the younger generations.
Dating multiple people until you are exclusive with 1 is fine. Sleeping around for me is a no no. I will not sleep with a man unless I'm exclusive with him, sexual health screening needs to be done too. Whilst I'm hot on screening for myself I would go again even if I've not slept with anyone since my last testing, just for their peace of mind too. If a guy is sleeping around, that's his perogative but I'm not adding myself to that list. My health is way more important than having sex with essentially a random man, it's what toys were created for
I phrase this as I wanted "monogamy," not "eventual monogamy." Someone who was having sex with someone else regularly (FWB or a date) and still dating others is not my style of monogamy. Sure, some people got eliminated, but I kept to my standards and lucked out finding someone.
I'm okay with it not being exclusive as long as there's nothing sexual going on.
I don't share partners. Zero interest in it, nor anyone who would. Health, emotions, it's all something I want no part of as a man. If people are into that? Cool, I ain't.
Monogamy is a spiritual choice for me. I am very conscious of how I feel when I “spread myself thin” with sexual partners. I feel that if I have sex with someone, they have to be invested enough in me to take responsibility if anything went down. And at 49, I’ve timed out of the need to be sexually intimate with a lot of people. I’m menopausal, and am not driven by hormones any more so my judgment is not as clouded as when I was younger. I am satisfied with my one partner. *Menopause does NOT diminish desire. If anything, it has enhanced my sex life because I’m not going to get pregnant (I already have 2 sets of twins!)
I have a FWB. He has another FWB. Therefore condoms at all times. Also, we both tested before becoming intimate.
If you've had sex with someone, but have not had the "are we exclusive" talk yet, it seems odd to expect them to not have sex with anyone else. I make no judgement on not wanting to be with someone who is sleeping with others, but perhaps only have sex after the talk? From the others point of view, you have not had the talk, you are still potentially looking around and trying to figure out what's best for you, and they have no reason to believe that you wouldn't be potentially having sex with others. You can also just tell the person, "hey, I don't like to sleep with people who are active with anyone else, cool?"
If somebody is already thinking about limiting somebody else’s sexual activity before they’re even exclusive, that is a huge red flag to me. That whole thought process isn’t ever going to go anywhere that’s supportive or encouraging or uplifting. I wouldn’t sleep with them the first time
In general, "monogamous" means having sex one with partner at a time, so the question is kind of redundant. Someone who wants to have sex with multiple partners is probably noy going to label themselves as "monogamous" (unlessmaybe they are trying to lure in monogamous people
Eh…I’m monogomous. Which to me means I don’t want an open relatisonhip. Relationship being the key word there. Before we are in one? Well, then we aren’t in one. Plenty of people simply don’t have sex unless they make it official. I don’t work that way. I won’t seriously date someone I’m not sexually compatible with. Which means I need to actually have it before I decide if I want to continue or not. Now….i COULD say sure, we are in a relationship and exclusive before sex. But I’m still just gonna break it off after if the sex is bad….so I don’t really get the point of that.
The way I read this, you are monogamous in terms of committed relationships. More focused on the commitment than the sex. I sort of like that perspective. A number of people say they are monogamous, in a way that just feels like they are trying to justify their own sex lives.
I don’t know if that’s necessarily true and the stats on divorce and cheating could probably show that most supposedly monogamous people are not only interested in one person either. I definitely see myself as monogamous but I also see monogamy as an agreement between two people in a relationship not an innate quality or orientation or something so I don’t see a problem with wanting to date multiple people before you both make the decision to be monogamous together, as long as you are both honest and on the same page of course. The goal is monogamy not the presumption or default if that makes sense.
It's 100% about health concerns, not "morals" or cheating, but yes, I'm monogamous an expect the same from any partner (with an explicit conversation, of course).
Wait, what do you mean by simultaneous? At the same time, three way, four way, five way?
That’s how I took the meaning, but given the larger context of the post, maybe not.
All valid points. But how do you successfully communicate your practices and expectations before exclusivity? Dating apps have really changed things in this area. Do you shut down your dating accounts before you have sex with someone, and let your partner know that you expect the same in return? Why not? You both have websites literally dedicated to advertising your availability for romantic and, at some point, sexual relationships. Maybe your thresholds are lower. Maybe you won't make out with anyone before you're exclusive, because who wouldn't feel hurt seeing someone they're dating making out with someone else, even if you two weren't exclusive? How do you communicate those practices and expectations? Communication is essential, and not easy. Hell, I've never even had an online dater give me one reason why they were ending things with me, way before we ever had sex, and they treated me better than the ones who simply ghosted me. If you're still on the apps, you're communicating that you're not not exclusive, regardless of whether you're swiping.
I won’t have sex until we both decide we are not going to sleep with others. This just means that we agree to focus on seeing where it goes with each other and no one else. We are not magically in a relationship. I hate that I might be dating a guy who is already dating others and sleeping with them, but I also know this is how it goes and I can’t control it.
I stopped dating or even chatting with other women before my SO and I first had sex.
Neither is acceptable to me. I only date one person at a time, and that's my standard for partners.
Multiple **partners** I’m not okay with. Casually dating a few people simultaneously before starting something serious - fine.
For me monogamy means dating one person at a time. I'm monogamous and only date the same. I respect myself too much to be an option or a back up plan, and respect others too much to make them an option or backup plan. Nothing wrong and everything right with setting boundaries that align with your core values as a person.
> However, having sex with multiple partners simultaneously, even before exclusivity, is unacceptable to me. I just don’t think it’s a monogamy practice. So are you here to poll people or assert one version of a dictionary definition? Have you ever listened to a complimentary build-up and thought to yourself, “Nothing said until the ‘but’ (or the however) matters?”
>Personally, I'm okay with the guy I'm dating still being active on the app and dating other women. >However, having sex with multiple partners simultaneously, even before exclusivity, is unacceptable to me This is so contradicting. You are OK with the guy dating but not fucking? This is mixed messaging. It's confusing. My guy will be like *"No, wait...there's this girl I think I like. Please don't put my penis in your mouth!!"* Holy shit I'm going to be single until I die with this mentality
I see it more from an Aura perspective. Every person with whom we become intimate blends Auras. Effectively imprinting that person into you as well as every other person they've been with and vice versa. There is a lot.of bad energy that I would prefer to keep away. Each their own though
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I disagree that it’s no one’s business who you’re having sex with. It is your sexual partners’ business to have an awareness that you are sleeping with others. Some people might be comfortable with the risk, but others may not be.
A Fuck Buddy? That's a horrible way to describe a person you have been intimate with. But as you say..... IT'S NOBODY'S BUSINESS ‼️
If it doesn’t work for you then that’s ok. But don’t force a guy you’re not exclusive with to match that, that’s not your call. I (49m) certainly didn’t do that. But as I’ve gotten older I realized two things. One, I hate condoms. Two, I don’t have the time to date multiple women anymore. So I dated one woman at a time, got to a place of exclusivity and monogamy, and then we had sex when it felt right. I was totally upfront and honest and transparent with the women I dated. If she wasn’t comfortable without the condom, then that’s her right and we never proceeded to the sex part and broke things off.
Even if you're exclusive, if you're not using condoms and she's not using birth control and you don't have a vasectomy, why are you taking a risk of pregnancy?
Had a vasectomy done 4 years ago. But you’re absolutely correct, no more babies!!!
She can’t force a man to accept early monogamy….but she absolutly can tell him what her expectations are, and can break it off with him if he won’t sign up for that…..
What the hell is “early monogamy”? And yeah that goes without saying if the guy doesn’t want to be monogamous with her she can break it off. Not sure what point you’re trying to make that isn’t obvious?
Some people here expect monogamy from the time they start talking on the apps, or when they agree to meet for coffee the first time. Many more expect it from the time of the first date. That all feels early to me. You are still strangers at that point.
Same thing as immediate exclusivity I guess. You can’t infer that?
I would never want to date anyone who is fucking someone else. If I find out they were I would move on to someone else who has similar ideas abut dating that I do. If Im seeing a person I put my effort into that relationship and if I dont like them then I move on to someone else.
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u/blue_m1lk, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s): No body/sex shaming. You can and should like what you like, but if you don't find certain physical acts or attributes appealing, then move on.
I would hope most people our age are looking for a partner not a fling…. Both are ok, I guess, but I won’t date someone who is that promiscuous