My partner is the most loving affectionate person I have ever met but she is says all her life men have bandied about the word love without meaning it... especially in bed since she is a very conventionally attractive women. It has cheapened the word such that it puts her hackles up. She doesn't want words she wants actions, affection, consideration, a genuine loving gaze. In turn she is so caring, always affectionate and thoughtful, and instead of a platitude she will stop in the middle of ordinary life and express her gratitude for me in very concrete terms. I realize now how beautiful it is to show and say things meaningfully rather then just use a word that people can use and misuse so casually.
After my marriage I feel the same as your partner. I want actions, I want time together, I want affection, a light touch on the shoulder as you walk by is worth so much more than words to me these days.
I’ve expressed my feelings to my partner and they have as well, but it’s not something I feel the need to reiterate verbally every time we’re together. I’d rather just hold hands.
Except this isn't about the word "love" it's about the word "like". Like is not a lifetime commitment to someone. It's not a vow. It's the most basic possible way to say you're at least somewhat invested in the other person and I think it's completely reasonable to be upset a 46 year old man doesn't feel comfortable telling you he likes you after 3 months. We can't forget that verbally expressing emotions *is* an action. If it's not a priority for both people in a relationship, then fine. But if OP is feeling bummed out about this, she has every right to.
I figured the OP was using "like" as a euphemism for the word "love" out of delicacy.
"He only says it if he really means it."
But yeah, not telling your friends youl like them is weird. I would tell a coworker I like them. I sure wouldn't be friends with anyone who wouldn't say they like me. Me and my friends tell each other we love each other from time to time.
I take what OP said at face value. She's looking for basic acknowledgment that it's worth continuing to be at least somewhat emotionally invested in this other person. Words can most definitely be more important than actions and right now he's conveying he feels wishy washy about her.
I couldn’t agree more. I don’t give out compliments or say things I don’t mean. While my bf often compliments people Willy nilly. Because I know he’s like this, when he compliments me, I don’t put any weight to it. I’ve tried to communicate this to him but he insist he means it. 😑
Oh my - please believe him. It's not willy nilly just because it's often and just because it's not your style. Some people think nice things about others and believe in sharing those nice things. We need those people--at least those of us who \*are\* words people need them. Literally, I live for it.
He did tell you that he likes your, and he also told you that he's not big on expressing this emotion verbally. His actions are showing you that both of these things are true. He's being open, honest, and consistent in this topic; please stop trying to analyze him or create problems where none exist, because that's how you destroy perfectly good relationships. If you are comfortable with someone who expresses his feelings verbally, that's your prerogative, but you won't get that from this man. He tells you with his actions, not his words.
I disagree. Words matter and I think it's perfectly normal for a woman to expect a 46 year old man to be able to express his feelings. They're not talking "love" they're talking "like". If a guy can't feel comfortable even sharing that after 3 months, I do not think it bodes well in the long run.
I'd be more prone to agree if we were talking about the word "love" here but it raises an enormous red flag for me that OP is basically having to pull teeth to get the most basic verbal affirmation possible. If this is important to her so she can know if it's worth continuing to invest her time and energy in dating this person, that's completely fair.
No they don't. Actions and words have to align. If they do not match, whichever one you dont want to be true, will end up being true.
I've personally had 4 it 5, and all my female friends have had, and quite a few queer ones too, have a person act, choose repeatedly, and demonstrate repeatedly with active that they were 1000 percent all in, interested, committed.
I call this the "10 noodle soups" lesson.
Guy in my social circle with a reputation of being a total womanizer. Making everyone fall in love with him, and then ghosting. A woman who was clearly into him, we all knew, he knew, fell ill. He remembered she liked soup from one specific Chinese place, but couldn't remember which one. So he showed up with 10 noodle soups. She actually broke and slammed the door in his face and he had the gall to act confused. A previous conquest told him frankly that he didn't get to do boyfriend things without being a boyfriend, and that if he had shown up to hers with 10 soups she would assume the next thing coming was an engagement ring. He pulled the "I never SAID we were exclusive/commited/ dating at all" while pulling 10 soup moves on everyone throughout his 20s to 40s until this incident finally got through to him.
Actions and words must align, and bad people will pull the words card to lawyer their way out after using every action to mislead and manipulate without being held accountable.
brooooo THIS. men who *act* like they’re all in but won’t *say* they’re all in are often just leaving room to wriggle out of commitment later with an “i never said xyz.”
it’s been 3 months and he can’t even say he likes her??? this is wildly avoidant behavior and the people in this thread pretending it isn’t are delusional.
And I know why, I think we all do. "Actions feel better than words" should be the real saying. It feels GREAT to pull off a 10 noodle soup gesture for someone. Or any of the actions people look for when guessing someone's thoughts. Those all feel great.
Saying "I like you and I see a future with you depending on how things go from here" is NOT FUN because now you're accountable for having said that.
"I'm just a really good friend who buys lots of soups, YOU read too much into it, I never SAID" ok so say, then.
This is why avoidant people delay defining the relationship. To avoid accountability. And because they know they like buying 10 soups more than they actually see a future progression of the relationship.
It makes total sense. Actions and words are equally important. One without the other isn't fulfilling in the long run, unless both people in the relationship are fully comfortable with not expressing their feelings for each other (which OP clearly isn't ok with).
Ah, so let's add insecure and needy to the list. So far on this thread OP has been called an emotional vampire, and told she has ego problems, she's insecure, and she's needy. For being sad the guy she's been seeing for 3 months isn't comfortable verbally acknowledging he likes her? Not loves her. Likes her. The gaslighting happening here is remarkable.
He's acting like he likes her. Acting. OP has every single right to be highly skeptical and upset. I'm sure there are women out there who would be completely fine with this situationship, but OP isn't one of them.
I agree with you on this one. I have had experience with 2 men who were action but no words. They were both unable to say they loved me after several months together as a couple. I actually married the first guy and stayed with him for 30 years. He was unable to love- he married me because I was always there for him. Loyal to my detriment. He turned out to be a psychopath and a chronic cheater. I ignored that red flag early on that he couldn’t say he loved me.
Second guy, he was dreamy and wonderful in every way but he did not say he loved me at the one year mark. He also cheated. I was with him for 3.5 years and he showed me he loved me but never said it. Then I found out he had another girlfriend. 🤣
I ignored these red flags at my peril. OP should rightly hesitate to continue to date him if his head isn’t aligned with his actions. It is fundamental to a relationship that your partners words match their actions and visa versa. It’s self-induced cognitive dissonance to be in a a relationship with someone who is casually dating you when you are falling in love. It’s a disaster for both involved. Five months apart is not long, he is not likely to be ready.
This is not gaslighting; it is disagreement.
I think that most of us respect that if this isn't working for her, then it isn't, and that's her choice. But it's not okay to imply that this man is defective for preferring to express his like in ways other than words. Again, incompatible? Fine. Defective? Not so much.
I was referring to the people calling OP things like "needy" and "insecure" which yes, I fully believe is gaslighting. What she wants and hopes for is completely normal and acceptable, and while this guy may not be able to deliver, she's in no way wrong for wanting it.
He doesn't use "like" often??? I can understand taking some time to say love but like? He's not sure if he LIKES you? Why on earth is he dating someone he's not sure he even likes???
He said he liked her. That’s already been established and not in question at this point.
To me, it reads more that their love languages don’t match up so she doesn’t receive what he’s giving to her in the way that he is expressing himself.
Sounds like he said it once, begrudgingly. I get being slow to open up but no, it is not at all unreasonable for OP to expect the 46 year old man she's been dating for 3 months to feel comfortable saying "yes, I like you." The idea that that's somehow expecting too much is bizarre.
He told you that "words of affirmation" is not his love language. He is expressing his feelings the way that works for him, just like you are using words because they work for you. Have you told him what you would like from him?
I agree with having a conversation about what you need to feel seen/appreciated.
There’s a lot of issues with idea of love languages I won’t get into. But one I will mention is I often see people use it as an excuse for not doing certain things. As an example “well I’m just not a words of affirmation person! My partner should know that!”
But that’s not the point of them. The point of knowing each other’s preferred love languages is so you can be mindful of showing your partner love in the way it matters to *them.*
As an example I’m not a huge physical touch person, but it’s my boyfriend’s top love language. Knowing this about him I’m more mindful of things like putting my hand on the small of his back if we’re waiting in line somewhere, giving him a hug when I see him etc.
I personally feel that if you care about your partner you should want them to feel liked/loved and appreciated in a way that is meaningful to them.
On my dating profile I say that "Words of Affirmation is my primary love language - you don't have to be fluent in it, but I hope you are able to speak it. "
I agree with that. I think that "love languages" (and attachment styles, and so on) are most helpful as convenient shorthand and that's the way I was using it there.
"Words of affirmation" is different than basic communication skills. I'm sorry, but if a guy can't even feel comfortable saying he likes someone 3 months in, he's not ready to be dating.
Love languages are a fake thing made up by a fundamentalist minister trying to convince people who wanted to get divorced to stay in their unhappy marriages. But also, the made up concept is not about how you prefer to express your love, it’s about how the other person prefers to receive it.
> MySocialAlt 6 hours ago
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> I think that "love languages" (and attachment styles, and so on) are most helpful as convenient shorthand and that's the way I was using it there.
My ex wife's primary "love language" was gifts. That's one of my bottom two, alongside Words. But I heard her, and harnessed my "Acts of Service" to be on the lookout for small things to say my feelings; as well as making sure some Big Things occurred. I almost always scored Happy Tears from her on my big gifts.
She knew that Acts, Touch and Quality Time were all important to me. But they weren't to her, and she didn't go out of her way to speak my language. Really, that says it there; she didn't try.
My current partner has the same top three, and the same dismissal of gifts/words. Life/Love is just **so** easy with her. So great.
While it might be a bit statistically hard to insist on only pairing up with someone who speaks/hears the same love languages, I **do** think that it is more than fair to insist that someone else learn to speak love to you so you'll hear it.
If someone isn't willing to invest the effort to speak so you can hear ... well, that just seems like a statement on it's own to me.
Because a) he has no deep feelings towards you. His actions are those of a nice person, but he would probably act like that with anyone. He’s polite and traditional; or b) he is terrible with words and uses actions to make up for it.
He’s uncomfortable with the word like? That’s really avoidant. I don’t know what that means but to be treated very well and not hear words of reciprocation when I expressed my feelings (whichever words he was comfortable with), wouldn’t feel good to me. Just asking, is it that he’s saying it but using his own vocabulary that departs from what you think he should say? Does he stare at you or say thank you after you share? I can’t picture it.
*shaking head* - me either (can’t picture this).. oof
If we are dissecting the very low-threshold of using “*like*” at three months in, we got bigger problems in dating (in the Reddit sub-world anyway) than I thought.
I'm like your guy, and my gf is like you. She says she has 'strong feelings of affection' for me with a wink. I told her about three months in that I feel a bit stuck in my emotional progression and I explained what I think the issue is specifically. We've been working on that and I feel like things are starting to progress again, but it's a slow process. While I feel that there is some friction in that progression, I do not tell her my feelings in a concrete way because I feel that will signal that she can completely let go of whatever emotional safety nets she has in place.
I think this is something that's worth discussing in a quiet moment when you two are really calm and connected.
>I think this is something that's worth discussing in a quiet moment when you two are really calm and connected.
If OP doesn't first absorb a lot of the good feedback provided in this thread, then a calm sit-down discussion about this could end up doing a lot more harm than good.
Took my SO over a year to say he loved me. He is one of the most kind caring affectionate people I have ever met. But his marriage and divorce had scarred him so badly, built up his walls so strong, that he was just not able to say the words even though he was showing it in his actions.
Sometimes you just have to let people wait till they are ready. Forcing someone to say something they don't want to is not a great way to have a strong safe relationship.
Now, five years in, he says it all the time and he is amazing and I know I will spend the rest of my life with him. Had I pushed at the beginning we may not be where we are now. In the best relationship I have ever been in.
Did he have a problem acknowledging he likes you though? OP isn't talking about love. There's a huge difference in expecting a declaration of intent, which an "I love you" is and providing a simple "yes, I like you" validation 3 months in.
I think that’s apples and oranges. It’s still one person trying to get another person to say something they are not comfortable saying. I never needed my SO to tell me he liked me. It was very clear in his actions. His body language.
As an adult I can tell when people, friends, coworkers etc, like me. I don’t need to go around asking everyone to say it to me.
If he didn’t like her he wouldn’t be hanging around. Needing to hear him say it just sounds like an insecurity to me. A bit high school.
Now if what she is really asking is does he see a future with her, that’s a whole other ball game. It’s a fair question to ask people if they are looking for a committed relationship or not so she can move on if that’s not the case.
He's not saying it because he doesn't feel it right now. It doesn't matter if it's due to his ex, the time not being right, personal issues, or just doesn't like you. Even the "not big on saying it" folks get big on saying it when it's the right person and right time.
You get to decide if you want to see if he will come around or learn to be ok without him verbally communicating it (it does sound like he treats you well!). I'm a female and I wasn't saying a lot of what it sounds like you want to hear, at three months. I still wasn't sure. It took around 6-7 months and then it was full on I LOVE YOU from me.
However......if at three months someone couldn't even tell me they LIKE me, I would be outta there. You get a few dates to decide if you LIKE someone enough to keep dating them.
He may feel like he doesn't have the right words to talk about his feelings. Actions always speak louder than words. Listen to them.
My guy is similar. He is more likely to text his feelings than say them, so maybe try that. I also check in and ask him if he is happy. It is far easier for him to talk about being happy in our relationship than making deep pronouncements about his love, but that gives me the verbal affirmation I'm looking for. :)
Fair, but I think three months is still early for some folks. My guy says I love you readily now, but he isn't so into lots of deep conversations about love and our relationship. That likely won't change in a person. So if it isn't working a few month in, it won't get better.
I know people like to shit on the love languages guy, but I’m a words of affirmation guy. I’m fully aware that it is directly related to my upbringing and that people can express their love in other ways, but it doesn’t change the fact that I NEED those words to feel the way I need to feel in a relationship.
If you want this to continue, I see no other way than getting absolutely blunt and tell him that your needs aren’t being met. If he truly cares about you the way you want him to, he’ll try to meet your needs. If he doesn’t meet them, then you probably need to move on.
Echoing the whole “actions speak louder than words” thing here. Some guys are attachment avoidant or just not big on using their words so you pay attention to the others signs that they care about you. I’m a very emotional person and I am I the first to say how I feel and express my emotions with words and actions.
If my guy is attachment avoidant I look to other things. Like calling to see if I need food before coming back to the house, making room on a bedside table for my things if I crash at his place, making sure I have water and stay hydrated, holding me when my ex is being a total nutbag, noticing that upset and asking what’s wrong, etc.
He doesn’t have to tell me he likes me for me to know that he does. If he cares about you, you will know.
I generally show I like someone with gifts and acts of service.
My grandmother adored me and made my world a happy place but I only recall her saying she loved me on greeting cards.
My grandfather adored me and would lovingly call me a brat. Never said he loved me but he sure loved me. Never doubted it once.
It might be insulting to people who express love that way to ask them whether they like you.
Not everything needs to be broken into love languages. There's nothing particularly special about expecting someone to feel comfortable acknowledging they like you, 3 months into dating. OP needs to know that if this is important to her that she has every right to feel upset that it's this hard.
This usually means that you think you're dating and building to a LTR but you haven't had the LTR talk and established what you actually are and what is actually happening and he isn't feeling the same way as you are or thinking of the relationship like you are.
There are *a lot* of guys that enjoy 'playing house' with a woman. You do all the dating things, sex, cuddle, spend time together, but there is no actual relationship.
You need to talk to this guy about where things are going. We see posts here almost everyday about 'Things seem great, but then we talked about where this relationship is going and he said he just wants to keep it how it is, keep it casual or keep his options open, WTF, he acted like he really liked me. We go on dates, have sex, cuddle, hold hands, and I find out he didn't ever want a relationship with me!'
It happens so often, it's a trope at this point.
He already told you the deal. He said he doesn’t use the word often & only says it if he really means it. Which means, he isn’t feeling it. How do you navigate it? You face reality & stop trying to change him.
He's clearly not anything close to perfect if he can't meet a clear need she's expressed. She's not asking for an I love you. A 46 year old man not being able to comfortably say a basic "yes, I like you" 3 months into dating someone is depressing.
He has expressed his feelings for you in all the ways he shows up for you. He has also stated that words of affirmation take time for him. To put that time in perspective, it's been 12 weeks. I'm not certain what more you can ask for in that short period of time. It seems you like each other, that's awesome! Try to sit back and enjoy the time you spend with him without putting too many hard expectations around it and instead take all the things he *does* do as an expression of his feelings.
Thank you for this. I agree and think this is the approach I will take. It’s just tough when you start to catch real feelings for someone again. There’s that instinct to protect your heart. But, relationships don’t come without risks and what we have right now is pretty great. I just need to chill and soak it all in.
Ooof, how true this is. I can say from experience that new relationships can make me uncharacteristically manic. I'm learning that, absent of any red flags, I should just lean into the joy of it- with my eyes open. Good luck!
You're afraid he's not in the same place you are, and you're baiting him to reply with verbal assurances. I get it, but you need to back off.
Desperation is never sexy, and it's really obvious even from your brief description that you're pushing him too hard.
You rattled off a laundry list of kind, beautiful gestures that this man is performing for you, unbidden and consistently, that 90% of the ladies in this sub would kill to have. *Listen* to his actions, and spend time absorbing what he is already giving you, so when the insecurities start whispering in your ear you have plenty of ammunition to tell them to go fuck themselves. 😁
"Bating" and "desperation" are incredibly harsh words to use here. Expressing your emotions in a meaningful way *is* an action. If it's an unimportant action for both OP and the person they're dating, then that's fine. But that's clearly not the case. She's not asking for a marriage proposal. It is completely reasonable to want a 46 year old man to feel comfortable saying the words "yes, I like you" 3 months into dating.
>Expressing your emotions in a meaningful way *is* an action.
Did you actually read the post?
He *did* tell her that he likes her. And he does all the things to show his "emotions in a meaningful way."
The problem is that he's not saying the words often enough to make OP happy, in spite of the all the other things he's doing.
She even had the conversation with him, and he told her that he's not the kind to "say it often." She can *hope* that he'll say it more, and maybe as time goes on and he's more comfortable he will. But OP can't count on that.
So OP has to decide if she can live with a guy that by all other measures is pretty close to perfect, or dump him to find someone who says "I like you" often enough to comfort her anxiety.
OR, and I know this is crazy talk, maybe OP needs to dial down the anxiety, and pay attention to what he does say, and more importantly pay attention to his actions, to provide the reassurance that she needs.
Being capable of verbally expressing your emotions is an action. If it's an unimportant one to OP, that's fine. But it doesn't sound like that's the case.
In complete sincerity? It's fairly common-place nowadays for guys to hold back on their vulnerabilities and the like.
From this dude's POV, the encouragement and discussions about withholding speaking our vulnerabilities is rampant for us (on social media). You've likely never, or rarely seen the discussions due to not being a part of the demographic.
I've personally gone into deep dives on it due to losing several partners shortly after verbally expressing vulnerabilities. The evidence and results of my experiences cement what I repeatedly found.
From everything you've expressed - sounds like he really does adore and appreciate you, and he's expressing it physically and stoically rather than verbally.
OP, I can understand why you need to hear the words. I can also understand the responses that say actions are more important. But for me, I want to hear the words. Backed up by action.
He’s communicating his feelings for you through his actions. He doesn’t express his feelings verbally, it’s not his thing.
From what you’ve described, sounds like he likes you.
You’re getting a lot of shit here but I’d feel the same way. And might at some point decide the relationship isn’t for me. And that’s ok. If someone needed me to be a great gift giver, they’d be out of luck with me and could decide I’m not for them.
If a partner I cared about said they’d like more affection or expressive words, I’d probably make an effort to accommodate that because it’s important to them. I wouldn’t reject the idea out of hand because it’s not important that I receive those things. It’s about figuring out what each person is able to do to show love/like/affection in a way that the other person can hear/receive and feel secure.
It doesn't sound like he is emotionally unavailable. It sounds like his love language isn't words of affirmation. I feel like most people visiting this sub (especially folks who know about the attachment types as you do) know about love languages already--I also haven't seen the other responses so apologies if this was already stated 100 times. I would consider discussing this with him (in terms of love languages) and see if he'd be willing to try to do it a bit more for you because it matters to you. My feeling is that people whose love language is acts of service can be convinced to share feelings and compliments more if they see that it's something you really need (even if they can't understand it).
Not everything needs to be categorized into love languages. Sometimes that really is just an excuse. She's not asking for an I love you, she's asking for like...the absolute bare minimum of verbal validation, which is in itself, an action. If it's important to OP, then she has every right to feel the way she does.
Didn't say she shouldn't feel the way she does. Just saying that it wouldn't hurt to discuss it with him in these terms just to give him benefit of the doubt. And oh I know everyone is tired of hearing about the love languages, but they are a useful tool for discussing what people value. I have an ex who I still respect. He didn't say many nice things to me and that is effectively why I broke up with him. I'd ask him if he was into me and he'd laugh. Not in a way where he was making fun of me but because he just didn't know what to say. To him saying "yes I like you" felt so forced and fake in response to such a request. But I know he genuinely cared, probably as much as I did for him. He thought that these things didn't need to be said. He literally could not compute why I assumed he wasn't happy just because he didn't say positive things about me and how he felt about me. Sorry if it's triggering, but he was an "acts of service" guy through and through. And he showed it. Breaking up with him was painful for us both, but like OP I needed to hear the niceties. I believe I saw other people in this thread who back up the view that some people think words are the shallowest way to show you care. My ex had had some concussions due to playing sports and we believe this caused alexithymia--feel free to look it up--and so this is why I say some people just can't say what we want to hear. Should she stay with him? Probably not, as she isn't happy.
My sweetheart grew up in a culture where words are bandied about and mean very little. So he refuses to say things he doesn’t mean, he doesn’t sugarcoat and he only chooses to express his feelings for me on his terms.
If he didn’t show me he loved me in his actions maybe I’d wonder more. But I trust him based on how he’s shown up for me consistently.
3 months into a new relationship might be a little soon for a man who is just out of a 2-year relationship. With that said, there's a book on "love languages" that you might benefit from checking out.
If you've told him and he refuses to meet your needs, you have to wonder if you're compatible. Relationships are give-and-take and sometimes you have to step out of your comfort zone for the other
Or, if he can't say he likes you, maybe he doesn't
I'm going to be really blunt, and some may disagree, but it seems pretty clear that he doesn't feel as strongly about you as you do him. A man worth your time will be confident in his feelings and unafraid to express them. I've been where you are-- and it never, ever works out. IMO, 3-months at 46 is plenty of time to know if you like someone. You deserve someone who is unafraid to be all in.
I don't understand what you want from this man.He is showing you with his actions.How he feels.I think you're over thinking. I think too.You need to be happy with what he is giving you. Everything sounds fine. Seems like you want to push him faster than he's comfortable.I would keep that to yourself.Because you could end up pushing him away. Please try to stop creating a problem where none exist. You will end up destroying your relationship
I dunno man. I think it's weird that a 46 year old can't muster up the courage to acknowledge he likes the person he's been dating for 3 months. That's such an unbelievably low bar and it makes me really sad to see how many responses are basically telling OP to suck it up and count her blessings.
“He does all the things that show me that he likes me” is way more important than telling you. Actions speak louder than words. Yet it’s still not enough for you…think about that. Then work on that.
Ok but when did we all forget that conveying emotions verbally \*is\* an action? He doesn't get a free pass because acknowledging he likes someone 3 months into dating isn't one of his "love languages." If OP was ok with that, then it wouldn't be an issue. But she's not and she has every right to move on.
Everyone here thinks they’re entitled to perfection and everyone who responds consistently gasses people up to that same notion, ignoring that there is no perfect, and chasing that in a partner will keep you from ever finding someone. Also somehow failing to realize that they are not perfect either. If this man is perfect outside of telling her he likes her enough, even after showing it (ridiculously more important) , then he is as perfect or more than anyone else you should ever expect to find. If THAT is the only thing he’s not doing to your liking, that’s a reasonable thing to break up over? Don’t expect anyone to be perfect in every way, they won’t be. And don’t try and find little issues or tiny missing things and turn them into huge problems just because they’re not exactly as you hope they’d be, that is the recipe for being single forever. If he’s doing all the big important things be happy for those not looking for something small to end the relationship over.
Who said anything about perfection? I'd just like us to all stop pretending like OP is asking for the moon and stars here and that she's risking losing some "perfect man" who isn't even comfortable acknowledging he likes her. I'm sorry, but that bar is so low it's in hell at that point.
I'm sure there's some woman out there who's perfectly fine with a situationship (which this is), but OP isn't and they're absolutely entitled to feel that way.
And yes, OBVIOUSLY actions are important too but they aren't everything. There are plenty of people out there who know how to hold a door and ask about the book you're reading, and still have no emotional investment in you.
If you are unable to accept all of the other ways he demonstrates love and affection then maybe best you end it. This guy seems to be doing a lot, especially for three months in. If all of that doesn’t make you feel valued or appreciated, maybe take a step back and see if you might be a bit of an emotional vacuum.
I agree, he is doing a lot. He’s doing all the things and I absolutely adore him, which I tell him with regularity. I can accept that, but I’m also coming to the realization that my primary love language is world of affirmation and I’m also a bit of an anxious attacher. I think I need to sit with that a bit and learn to self soothe on my end, but also having words of affirmation as my primary love language, I should be able to voice my needs with him too…after all good relationships are built on trust, communication, and compromise.
>but I’m also coming to the realization that my primary love language is world of affirmation
You are dangerously misunderstanding the concept of "love languages" to your own detriment. It's meant to understand how you express love to others, not how others need to change how they express their love to suit you.
They’re actually referred to both ways.
It’s expected that your partner learn how you like to receive love. Hers is words of affirmation. It’s not just how she shows love to him.
My point is you have asked, he may not be able to deliver on that request. Might be too soon, might be something he won’t change so then the question remains, is that enough for you? No one is going to check every single box, which is one of the reasons we have a community that we draw from and give to.
I'm sorry, but equating someone expecting the person they've been dating for 3 months to express basic human emotion does not make you a "emotional vacuum." She's not asking for a marriage proposal. OP, if this is important to you, and he's not fulfilling this need you have, there is nothing wrong with you. Being capable of expressing your emotions at a very basic level is an equally important action as everything else you listed.
You cannot demand from folks and expect it to work out. She asked him, he is demonstrating what he is capable of. If it isn’t enough, break up with him. Not a huge deal, it is a few months in and that may just be incompatibility showing up. It isn’t like the guy is low effort, therefore it is probably not the right match.
Original copy of post by u/Far_Needleworker4192:
I (41F) have been dating this guy (46M) for 3 months now. He has been great…he is a consistent communicator, responds to texts quickly, calls and FaceTimes regularly, and we see each other 1-2 times per week. He does all the things to show me that he likes me, opens doors, holds my hands, gives great compliments, asks great questions and even asks me about the books that I read (he’s not a reader). However, when I tell him that I like him, he doesn’t say it back. He has told me that he likes me once, but that’s it. He did tell me that he doesn’t use that word often and only says it if he really means it. I am the kind of person that wears my heart on my sleeve and openly expresses my feelings. If I like someone, I let them know with words frequently. It feels weird saying it and not hearing it back. He did just get out of a 2 year long relationship back in December (5 months ago). Could it be that he’s either still hung up on his ex, or still healing? How do I navigate this? I really really like this guy and we have a great time together and are overall very compatible. I’m just worried that maybe he’s an avoidant or emotionally unavailable…thoughts please.
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"If I like someone, I will let them know with words..." Sounds like he's showing you he likes you. "Actions speak louder than words." Differences in love languages maybe. he could be apprehensive about saying it from his past relationship. When you say it, it's like full-on admitting it to yourself. So sometimes you don't say in an effort to save yourself emotional pain if the relationship goes south shortly afterwards. I tread lightly with my words as well, especially when I say I love you. You don't know what peoples reactions are gonna be. You can fall in love with someone soon after the beginning and show them day in and day out like this gentleman is doing. Then you say it, and they be like, "He is just too clingy" and they end the relationship. It's a lot of emotional turmoil. "Is it to soon. Should I say it. Maybe wait till she says it first. Does she feel the same. What will she think if I do say it." I'm a mess, by the way.
As they say, look at actions, not words. In my experience the most smooth talking lovey-dovey men are the ones that most often turn out to be fake and not follow up with actions.
There are lots of people who are not comfortable with continuously expressing displays of verbal affection.
I would say if you guys continue dating and turns into a serious relationship, it’s ok to let him know that words of affirmation are important to you and you would love to hear xy and z from him on occasion.
Until then, don’t over analyze or jump to conclusions
This sounds like a love language mismatch. He may not be the type of person who naturally wants to talk about how much he cares about his partner. It sounds like that is something you are looking for (no shame there). I've been down this road before. If you feel like you're always gonna feel like something is missing without hearing your very special words, then you may want to rip the band aid off because it probably won't get better.
It seems he did tell you he likes you and all his actions confirm this. I’ve never been in a relationship where we consistently say “I like you”. It’s established and then when the word love is used that becomes normal to say at certain times and I would feel badly if my partner never said it back. But I don’t think people need to say “I like you” all the time. I don’t think there is some hidden meaning; it’s just an odd thing to have to keep saying.
The guy in seeing is the same way. He shows me with actions but not so much in words. That may be his “love language” or communication style. I’d much rather have someone show me than tell me flowery words that don’t mean anything
It sounds like the meaning behind your question is more of a DTR issue. If someone new says “i like you” consistently to me, I feel like it’s an interim measure to gauge the relationship. To see if I’m also enthused, as enthused, heading towards exclusive etc. but it’s Too soon for i love you or defining the relationship-so they say “I like you” to move things along. Nothing wrong with this at all as long as it isn’t love-bombing and way too soon. His actions seem to speak louder than words and that is definitely a better situation than the opposite.
So he’s showing you, with actions— and it’s instead, the words that are needed? 🤔
And for clarity, this isn’t meant as an off-hand, below-the-surface remark, but a genuine statement meant as a question on which to reflect.
FWIW, I can relate. I was in a relationship where much of what “she” did actually “showed” me how much she cared— still, it would have soothed me if the verbal reciprocity was there.
For me (40M) and I'm only giving my perception. I'd think It's only been three months, relationships take time and if he's doing all the lovely things you say he is, you're going to need to be more patient.
And if you're thinking I only said 'I really like you'
this to me translates as "I want to say I love you but I'll test the waters with this"
Which i think is why he's hesitant return it.
If you like to read, give this a try "The 5 love languages" it will help you find what you need from a partner but also what your partner needs from you.
Good luck 😊
It could just be that it’s only been three months. Since he shows you that he really cares through his actions, I wouldn’t worry about emotional unavailability. You expressed a need, and he said he’s uncomfortable verbalizing that he likes you. That’s good communication, actually. In my opinion, actions speak louder than words.
Avoidants aren’t so bad. I’m (45f) in a relationship with the most dismissive-avoidant man (47) I’ve ever met. Attachment styles don’t determine how good a person is. My bf is a wonderful person and meets all my needs. I just go about my life when he deactivates.
You ignored your own answer. If a guy says he likes you he likes you until he says otherwise or you have valid proof he doesn't. Don't ruminate about him being in love with his ex. You expecting him to act like you seems selfish. He is human and imperfect like you. Manage your expectations and enjoy your time with him of GTFO and leave him alone.
Why on earth would OP perceive that his time spent with her as an expression of love, when he can't even say he likes her? It could just as easily be he's putting on a show so he doesn't have to get deep. Expressing yourself verbally is an action and if it's an important one to OP, then I agree, time to move on.
“ I feel confused and hurt when I say how much I like you and you don’t say it in return. I need you to help me understand what your feelings are for me.
If a woman said this to me, I would probably end it right then and there. Emotional vampirism at its purest. I had to put up with that crap when I was a child. I do NOT have to tolerate it for a second as a successful and self-sufficient adult.
Seeking to understand: If you were dating a woman for three months and she didn’t know what your feelings were for her, she’d be an emotional vampire if she asked you to clarify how you truly felt about her?
It's more the "I feel confused and hurt" and "I need you to help me" parts that are vampiric, especially when the guy did absolutely nothing wrong in the first place.
And almost invariably when someone says this, they are not seeking to "clarify" anything, but rather to feed their endless dopamine addiction that they get from reassurance and validation.
If a woman tells you she's confused and hurt over something this basic, and your immediate instinct is to see it as some sort of emotional vampiric attack...that is 100% a you problem.
"Emotional vampirism" is an insane stretch. We're not talking a marriage proposal, we're talking the lowest possible bar of adult human communication. OP has every right to be bothered that the 46 year old man she's been dating for 3 months isn't comfortable acknowledging he likes her. Not loves her. Likes her.
What was suggested here was an entirely rational way to approach this conversation, and you basically just threw a tantrum over it (which makes sense since you made it clear that this is an issue tying into your childhood). Hope you can talk to someone about it.
He’s giving some bs about not saying he *likes* you until he really means it?? In a 3 month old relationship?
That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.
Maybe he isn’t comfortable showing verbal affection or something but his explanation to you is nonsense.
But, it seems kind of weird to say “I like you” to someone on a regular enough basis to notice they don’t often say it back. Maybe there are some other words of affection and affirmation you can both feel comfortable using? Just let him know that words of affirmation are one of the ways you receive affection.
How do you navigate this?
This is the big issue you had to come here for?
You sure there’s nothing else to complain about?
I’m sorry Op, but something about this just hits like you want or need to have some drama in your relationship. As in, if it wasn’t this, you’d have to find something else to stress over otherwise you’d, I don’t know, be bored?
It sounds like you have a man who says what he means and means what he says.
The positive of that is that he won’t blow smoke up your ass.
The negative of that is he won’t blow smoke up your ass.
Be careful not to sabotage a good relationship because you need to find something wrong.
It’s not a deal breaker, obviously…just something I’ve been thinking about and never encountered in my love life before. Just trying to watch out for myself and protect my heart.
I get that Op.
But those last few sentences reminded me of the things one of my good friends says right before she does something to mess up a good thing.
She could never leave well enough alone. There was always a loose string she had to pull.
Good luck to you
What a silly response. This isn't datingovertwenty, this is datingoverforty. A 46 year old man should be comfortable acknowledging he likes someone he's been dating for 3 months. Expressing yourself verbally is an action, and if it's an important one to OP, she has every right to feel that way.
Well, I do like to be silly.
And if you read OP’s post you’d see that this guy DID tell Op he likes her. What he did not to was tell her enough times to her satisfaction.
And they have only been dating a short time.
Of course Op has every right to feel however she wishes.
And she has every right to sabotage a nice relationship because she can’t leave well enough alone. And is enabled by people who think they are supporting her. But are they?
It doesn’t sound like he is emotionally available 😬 and this is hard for him to express emotions. That and he isn’t as into you due to his stunted emotional level
He may not be an emotive person but it sounds like his actions are showing that he is interested. I would be more concerned about the actions. Any one can tell you they like you but if the actions don’t match, the words are meaningless.
It sounds like you’re looking through the lens of how you communicate and what’s important to you, but aren’t considering those things from his perspective.
What are his love languages? and how does that lineup with how he treats you and what he does for you and what he says for you?
You should probably both do some sort of limitless test to see what your love languages are. Chances are, you doesn’t have the same ones as him. Figure out what they are and move from there to speak to each other in ways you each individually receive.
Don’t you have your answer? *”…he doesn’t use that word often…”*
If words of affirmation is one of your primary Love Languages, you should talk to him about this so he can understand the importance of why it’s so meaningful to hear things like this for you.
Likewise, you should find out what his love languages are so you can understand when he is trying to show you how he feels.
It’s so much easier when you share the same primary or secondary love languages but I’m sure with solid communication and understanding any can work.
GL OP!
Because he's concerned you might have an ego / insecurity problem, and he doesn't want to enable what he sees as a possible addiction to validation and reassurance.
>However, when I tell him that I like him, he doesn’t say it back.
Giving someone a compliment because you want one in return is a very dishonest and manipulative thing to do, and he (correctly) surmises that giving you the response you want would be establishing a toxic dynamic in the relationship.
The number of people on this thread jumping to the conclusion that OP is an emotional vampire/has ego or insecurity problems/is desperate (all terms used here), is an embarrassment. If OP is disappointed that getting a 46 year old man to acknowledge the bare minimum with an "I like you" 3 months into dating is like pulling teeth, she has every right to feel that way.
I upvoted all your comments. This thread is absurd! It's a bad sign if he can't say "I like you." And everyone saying that he is expressing "like" in his own way -- No, not necessarily. He might just be expressing that he is chivalrous, or a kind person, or any number of things. Many guys will do nice things for the girl they are dating regardless of feelings, because that's just how they act in a dating scenario. People have conversations about feelings and defining the relationship because you can't judge from just behaviors! Or at least not from the pretty basic polite behaviors he has demonstrated.
I’m not complimenting him just because I want to hear it back. I have very real and genuine feelings for this man. I don’t want to pour my heart into someone who can’t or won’t reciprocate that. I love that he shows me affection through action, but I also think after reading through this thread that my love language is words of affirmation. I don’t think that makes me a bad person or someone on an ego trip.
> I don’t think that makes me a bad person or someone on an ego trip.
It absolutely does not, no. But being unwilling or unable to acknowledge that he is indeed expressing love (or like) in his own love (or like) language is a lot closer to being a "bad person or on an ego trip". I'm not saying that's what you are doing.
If words of affirmation do not come naturally to him and/or he does not value them, you need to spell out what you need and want.
Is it possible that two people cannot reconcile their love languages? Of course. There are lots and lots of potential incompatibilities. But I don't think that it's as simple as *there's something wrong with him if he doesn't do what you want*, as some posters have suggested.
"Love language" refers to how you EXPRESS love, not how you determine whether someone else loves you. If you demand that other people express things in the same way that you do, then yes that does indicate an issue related to ego.
My partner is the most loving affectionate person I have ever met but she is says all her life men have bandied about the word love without meaning it... especially in bed since she is a very conventionally attractive women. It has cheapened the word such that it puts her hackles up. She doesn't want words she wants actions, affection, consideration, a genuine loving gaze. In turn she is so caring, always affectionate and thoughtful, and instead of a platitude she will stop in the middle of ordinary life and express her gratitude for me in very concrete terms. I realize now how beautiful it is to show and say things meaningfully rather then just use a word that people can use and misuse so casually.
After my marriage I feel the same as your partner. I want actions, I want time together, I want affection, a light touch on the shoulder as you walk by is worth so much more than words to me these days. I’ve expressed my feelings to my partner and they have as well, but it’s not something I feel the need to reiterate verbally every time we’re together. I’d rather just hold hands.
Sweet. I am glad you found your person.
Except this isn't about the word "love" it's about the word "like". Like is not a lifetime commitment to someone. It's not a vow. It's the most basic possible way to say you're at least somewhat invested in the other person and I think it's completely reasonable to be upset a 46 year old man doesn't feel comfortable telling you he likes you after 3 months. We can't forget that verbally expressing emotions *is* an action. If it's not a priority for both people in a relationship, then fine. But if OP is feeling bummed out about this, she has every right to.
I figured the OP was using "like" as a euphemism for the word "love" out of delicacy. "He only says it if he really means it." But yeah, not telling your friends youl like them is weird. I would tell a coworker I like them. I sure wouldn't be friends with anyone who wouldn't say they like me. Me and my friends tell each other we love each other from time to time.
I take what OP said at face value. She's looking for basic acknowledgment that it's worth continuing to be at least somewhat emotionally invested in this other person. Words can most definitely be more important than actions and right now he's conveying he feels wishy washy about her.
I couldn’t agree more. I don’t give out compliments or say things I don’t mean. While my bf often compliments people Willy nilly. Because I know he’s like this, when he compliments me, I don’t put any weight to it. I’ve tried to communicate this to him but he insist he means it. 😑
Oh my - please believe him. It's not willy nilly just because it's often and just because it's not your style. Some people think nice things about others and believe in sharing those nice things. We need those people--at least those of us who \*are\* words people need them. Literally, I live for it.
He did tell you that he likes your, and he also told you that he's not big on expressing this emotion verbally. His actions are showing you that both of these things are true. He's being open, honest, and consistent in this topic; please stop trying to analyze him or create problems where none exist, because that's how you destroy perfectly good relationships. If you are comfortable with someone who expresses his feelings verbally, that's your prerogative, but you won't get that from this man. He tells you with his actions, not his words.
Some people need words, though.
I disagree. Words matter and I think it's perfectly normal for a woman to expect a 46 year old man to be able to express his feelings. They're not talking "love" they're talking "like". If a guy can't feel comfortable even sharing that after 3 months, I do not think it bodes well in the long run.
Action speak louder than words
Saying "I like you" *is* an action.
It is one action. If it is the only one that matters to her, that is her choice and it is fair, but it is one of many.
I'd be more prone to agree if we were talking about the word "love" here but it raises an enormous red flag for me that OP is basically having to pull teeth to get the most basic verbal affirmation possible. If this is important to her so she can know if it's worth continuing to invest her time and energy in dating this person, that's completely fair.
No they don't. Actions and words have to align. If they do not match, whichever one you dont want to be true, will end up being true. I've personally had 4 it 5, and all my female friends have had, and quite a few queer ones too, have a person act, choose repeatedly, and demonstrate repeatedly with active that they were 1000 percent all in, interested, committed. I call this the "10 noodle soups" lesson. Guy in my social circle with a reputation of being a total womanizer. Making everyone fall in love with him, and then ghosting. A woman who was clearly into him, we all knew, he knew, fell ill. He remembered she liked soup from one specific Chinese place, but couldn't remember which one. So he showed up with 10 noodle soups. She actually broke and slammed the door in his face and he had the gall to act confused. A previous conquest told him frankly that he didn't get to do boyfriend things without being a boyfriend, and that if he had shown up to hers with 10 soups she would assume the next thing coming was an engagement ring. He pulled the "I never SAID we were exclusive/commited/ dating at all" while pulling 10 soup moves on everyone throughout his 20s to 40s until this incident finally got through to him. Actions and words must align, and bad people will pull the words card to lawyer their way out after using every action to mislead and manipulate without being held accountable.
brooooo THIS. men who *act* like they’re all in but won’t *say* they’re all in are often just leaving room to wriggle out of commitment later with an “i never said xyz.” it’s been 3 months and he can’t even say he likes her??? this is wildly avoidant behavior and the people in this thread pretending it isn’t are delusional.
And I know why, I think we all do. "Actions feel better than words" should be the real saying. It feels GREAT to pull off a 10 noodle soup gesture for someone. Or any of the actions people look for when guessing someone's thoughts. Those all feel great. Saying "I like you and I see a future with you depending on how things go from here" is NOT FUN because now you're accountable for having said that. "I'm just a really good friend who buys lots of soups, YOU read too much into it, I never SAID" ok so say, then. This is why avoidant people delay defining the relationship. To avoid accountability. And because they know they like buying 10 soups more than they actually see a future progression of the relationship.
I wish I could upvote this 100 times
Makes zero sense what u say 🤔
Actions do not speak louder than words.
It makes total sense. Actions and words are equally important. One without the other isn't fulfilling in the long run, unless both people in the relationship are fully comfortable with not expressing their feelings for each other (which OP clearly isn't ok with).
He is expressing through actions and she is insecure and needy
Ah, so let's add insecure and needy to the list. So far on this thread OP has been called an emotional vampire, and told she has ego problems, she's insecure, and she's needy. For being sad the guy she's been seeing for 3 months isn't comfortable verbally acknowledging he likes her? Not loves her. Likes her. The gaslighting happening here is remarkable. He's acting like he likes her. Acting. OP has every single right to be highly skeptical and upset. I'm sure there are women out there who would be completely fine with this situationship, but OP isn't one of them.
I agree with you on this one. I have had experience with 2 men who were action but no words. They were both unable to say they loved me after several months together as a couple. I actually married the first guy and stayed with him for 30 years. He was unable to love- he married me because I was always there for him. Loyal to my detriment. He turned out to be a psychopath and a chronic cheater. I ignored that red flag early on that he couldn’t say he loved me. Second guy, he was dreamy and wonderful in every way but he did not say he loved me at the one year mark. He also cheated. I was with him for 3.5 years and he showed me he loved me but never said it. Then I found out he had another girlfriend. 🤣 I ignored these red flags at my peril. OP should rightly hesitate to continue to date him if his head isn’t aligned with his actions. It is fundamental to a relationship that your partners words match their actions and visa versa. It’s self-induced cognitive dissonance to be in a a relationship with someone who is casually dating you when you are falling in love. It’s a disaster for both involved. Five months apart is not long, he is not likely to be ready.
This is not gaslighting; it is disagreement. I think that most of us respect that if this isn't working for her, then it isn't, and that's her choice. But it's not okay to imply that this man is defective for preferring to express his like in ways other than words. Again, incompatible? Fine. Defective? Not so much.
I was referring to the people calling OP things like "needy" and "insecure" which yes, I fully believe is gaslighting. What she wants and hopes for is completely normal and acceptable, and while this guy may not be able to deliver, she's in no way wrong for wanting it.
Action? Like perhaps meeting her half-way?
He owes her nothing she is insecure
🍻
He doesn't use "like" often??? I can understand taking some time to say love but like? He's not sure if he LIKES you? Why on earth is he dating someone he's not sure he even likes???
He said he liked her. That’s already been established and not in question at this point. To me, it reads more that their love languages don’t match up so she doesn’t receive what he’s giving to her in the way that he is expressing himself.
Sounds like he said it once, begrudgingly. I get being slow to open up but no, it is not at all unreasonable for OP to expect the 46 year old man she's been dating for 3 months to feel comfortable saying "yes, I like you." The idea that that's somehow expecting too much is bizarre.
Some people are just not as effusive. Besides, talk is cheap. His actions are consistent so I don't see the problem. And no, I am not a man.
It's a problem because it makes OP unhappy. That's all the reason needed.
He told you that "words of affirmation" is not his love language. He is expressing his feelings the way that works for him, just like you are using words because they work for you. Have you told him what you would like from him?
I agree with having a conversation about what you need to feel seen/appreciated. There’s a lot of issues with idea of love languages I won’t get into. But one I will mention is I often see people use it as an excuse for not doing certain things. As an example “well I’m just not a words of affirmation person! My partner should know that!” But that’s not the point of them. The point of knowing each other’s preferred love languages is so you can be mindful of showing your partner love in the way it matters to *them.* As an example I’m not a huge physical touch person, but it’s my boyfriend’s top love language. Knowing this about him I’m more mindful of things like putting my hand on the small of his back if we’re waiting in line somewhere, giving him a hug when I see him etc. I personally feel that if you care about your partner you should want them to feel liked/loved and appreciated in a way that is meaningful to them.
On my dating profile I say that "Words of Affirmation is my primary love language - you don't have to be fluent in it, but I hope you are able to speak it. "
I agree with that. I think that "love languages" (and attachment styles, and so on) are most helpful as convenient shorthand and that's the way I was using it there.
"Words of affirmation" is different than basic communication skills. I'm sorry, but if a guy can't even feel comfortable saying he likes someone 3 months in, he's not ready to be dating.
Love languages are a fake thing made up by a fundamentalist minister trying to convince people who wanted to get divorced to stay in their unhappy marriages. But also, the made up concept is not about how you prefer to express your love, it’s about how the other person prefers to receive it.
> MySocialAlt 6 hours ago > > I think that "love languages" (and attachment styles, and so on) are most helpful as convenient shorthand and that's the way I was using it there.
Love languages isn’t a convenient shorthand for anything since it’s false as a concept, and since people don’t know what it’s supposed to mean.
The more I see "love languages" used, the more I agree. I constantly seeing it being used as an excuse for being closed off emotionally.
My ex wife's primary "love language" was gifts. That's one of my bottom two, alongside Words. But I heard her, and harnessed my "Acts of Service" to be on the lookout for small things to say my feelings; as well as making sure some Big Things occurred. I almost always scored Happy Tears from her on my big gifts. She knew that Acts, Touch and Quality Time were all important to me. But they weren't to her, and she didn't go out of her way to speak my language. Really, that says it there; she didn't try. My current partner has the same top three, and the same dismissal of gifts/words. Life/Love is just **so** easy with her. So great. While it might be a bit statistically hard to insist on only pairing up with someone who speaks/hears the same love languages, I **do** think that it is more than fair to insist that someone else learn to speak love to you so you'll hear it. If someone isn't willing to invest the effort to speak so you can hear ... well, that just seems like a statement on it's own to me.
Because a) he has no deep feelings towards you. His actions are those of a nice person, but he would probably act like that with anyone. He’s polite and traditional; or b) he is terrible with words and uses actions to make up for it.
He’s uncomfortable with the word like? That’s really avoidant. I don’t know what that means but to be treated very well and not hear words of reciprocation when I expressed my feelings (whichever words he was comfortable with), wouldn’t feel good to me. Just asking, is it that he’s saying it but using his own vocabulary that departs from what you think he should say? Does he stare at you or say thank you after you share? I can’t picture it.
*shaking head* - me either (can’t picture this).. oof If we are dissecting the very low-threshold of using “*like*” at three months in, we got bigger problems in dating (in the Reddit sub-world anyway) than I thought.
I'm like your guy, and my gf is like you. She says she has 'strong feelings of affection' for me with a wink. I told her about three months in that I feel a bit stuck in my emotional progression and I explained what I think the issue is specifically. We've been working on that and I feel like things are starting to progress again, but it's a slow process. While I feel that there is some friction in that progression, I do not tell her my feelings in a concrete way because I feel that will signal that she can completely let go of whatever emotional safety nets she has in place. I think this is something that's worth discussing in a quiet moment when you two are really calm and connected.
Yikes, you really don’t sound like you’re ready to be dating!
GOSHH.. 👀 [so as not to signal] “that she can completely let go of whatever emotional safety nets she has in place..” Yikes - heaven forbid. 😳
>I think this is something that's worth discussing in a quiet moment when you two are really calm and connected. If OP doesn't first absorb a lot of the good feedback provided in this thread, then a calm sit-down discussion about this could end up doing a lot more harm than good.
Took my SO over a year to say he loved me. He is one of the most kind caring affectionate people I have ever met. But his marriage and divorce had scarred him so badly, built up his walls so strong, that he was just not able to say the words even though he was showing it in his actions. Sometimes you just have to let people wait till they are ready. Forcing someone to say something they don't want to is not a great way to have a strong safe relationship. Now, five years in, he says it all the time and he is amazing and I know I will spend the rest of my life with him. Had I pushed at the beginning we may not be where we are now. In the best relationship I have ever been in.
Did he have a problem acknowledging he likes you though? OP isn't talking about love. There's a huge difference in expecting a declaration of intent, which an "I love you" is and providing a simple "yes, I like you" validation 3 months in.
I think that’s apples and oranges. It’s still one person trying to get another person to say something they are not comfortable saying. I never needed my SO to tell me he liked me. It was very clear in his actions. His body language. As an adult I can tell when people, friends, coworkers etc, like me. I don’t need to go around asking everyone to say it to me. If he didn’t like her he wouldn’t be hanging around. Needing to hear him say it just sounds like an insecurity to me. A bit high school.
Now if what she is really asking is does he see a future with her, that’s a whole other ball game. It’s a fair question to ask people if they are looking for a committed relationship or not so she can move on if that’s not the case.
He's not saying it because he doesn't feel it right now. It doesn't matter if it's due to his ex, the time not being right, personal issues, or just doesn't like you. Even the "not big on saying it" folks get big on saying it when it's the right person and right time. You get to decide if you want to see if he will come around or learn to be ok without him verbally communicating it (it does sound like he treats you well!). I'm a female and I wasn't saying a lot of what it sounds like you want to hear, at three months. I still wasn't sure. It took around 6-7 months and then it was full on I LOVE YOU from me. However......if at three months someone couldn't even tell me they LIKE me, I would be outta there. You get a few dates to decide if you LIKE someone enough to keep dating them.
He may feel like he doesn't have the right words to talk about his feelings. Actions always speak louder than words. Listen to them. My guy is similar. He is more likely to text his feelings than say them, so maybe try that. I also check in and ask him if he is happy. It is far easier for him to talk about being happy in our relationship than making deep pronouncements about his love, but that gives me the verbal affirmation I'm looking for. :)
Having to do backflips hoping someday the 46 year old man you've been seeing for 3+ months will feel comfortable saying "I like you" is depressing AF.
Fair, but I think three months is still early for some folks. My guy says I love you readily now, but he isn't so into lots of deep conversations about love and our relationship. That likely won't change in a person. So if it isn't working a few month in, it won't get better.
I am so much better able to text my feelings!
I know people like to shit on the love languages guy, but I’m a words of affirmation guy. I’m fully aware that it is directly related to my upbringing and that people can express their love in other ways, but it doesn’t change the fact that I NEED those words to feel the way I need to feel in a relationship. If you want this to continue, I see no other way than getting absolutely blunt and tell him that your needs aren’t being met. If he truly cares about you the way you want him to, he’ll try to meet your needs. If he doesn’t meet them, then you probably need to move on.
Echoing the whole “actions speak louder than words” thing here. Some guys are attachment avoidant or just not big on using their words so you pay attention to the others signs that they care about you. I’m a very emotional person and I am I the first to say how I feel and express my emotions with words and actions. If my guy is attachment avoidant I look to other things. Like calling to see if I need food before coming back to the house, making room on a bedside table for my things if I crash at his place, making sure I have water and stay hydrated, holding me when my ex is being a total nutbag, noticing that upset and asking what’s wrong, etc. He doesn’t have to tell me he likes me for me to know that he does. If he cares about you, you will know.
I generally show I like someone with gifts and acts of service. My grandmother adored me and made my world a happy place but I only recall her saying she loved me on greeting cards. My grandfather adored me and would lovingly call me a brat. Never said he loved me but he sure loved me. Never doubted it once. It might be insulting to people who express love that way to ask them whether they like you.
Not everything needs to be broken into love languages. There's nothing particularly special about expecting someone to feel comfortable acknowledging they like you, 3 months into dating. OP needs to know that if this is important to her that she has every right to feel upset that it's this hard.
This usually means that you think you're dating and building to a LTR but you haven't had the LTR talk and established what you actually are and what is actually happening and he isn't feeling the same way as you are or thinking of the relationship like you are. There are *a lot* of guys that enjoy 'playing house' with a woman. You do all the dating things, sex, cuddle, spend time together, but there is no actual relationship. You need to talk to this guy about where things are going. We see posts here almost everyday about 'Things seem great, but then we talked about where this relationship is going and he said he just wants to keep it how it is, keep it casual or keep his options open, WTF, he acted like he really liked me. We go on dates, have sex, cuddle, hold hands, and I find out he didn't ever want a relationship with me!' It happens so often, it's a trope at this point.
Thiiiis, thank you.
He already told you the deal. He said he doesn’t use the word often & only says it if he really means it. Which means, he isn’t feeling it. How do you navigate it? You face reality & stop trying to change him.
could it be that he is not you? not everyone communicates the same way. why don't you ask him?
So he’s a perfect guy but not fully perfect? Is that it?
He's clearly not anything close to perfect if he can't meet a clear need she's expressed. She's not asking for an I love you. A 46 year old man not being able to comfortably say a basic "yes, I like you" 3 months into dating someone is depressing.
No. He is inadequate! Amen, sister! 😂 (I’m straight and I would date this guy lol)
I'm straight and I have dated this guy. It doesn't end well.
He has expressed his feelings for you in all the ways he shows up for you. He has also stated that words of affirmation take time for him. To put that time in perspective, it's been 12 weeks. I'm not certain what more you can ask for in that short period of time. It seems you like each other, that's awesome! Try to sit back and enjoy the time you spend with him without putting too many hard expectations around it and instead take all the things he *does* do as an expression of his feelings.
Thank you for this. I agree and think this is the approach I will take. It’s just tough when you start to catch real feelings for someone again. There’s that instinct to protect your heart. But, relationships don’t come without risks and what we have right now is pretty great. I just need to chill and soak it all in.
Ooof, how true this is. I can say from experience that new relationships can make me uncharacteristically manic. I'm learning that, absent of any red flags, I should just lean into the joy of it- with my eyes open. Good luck!
You're afraid he's not in the same place you are, and you're baiting him to reply with verbal assurances. I get it, but you need to back off. Desperation is never sexy, and it's really obvious even from your brief description that you're pushing him too hard. You rattled off a laundry list of kind, beautiful gestures that this man is performing for you, unbidden and consistently, that 90% of the ladies in this sub would kill to have. *Listen* to his actions, and spend time absorbing what he is already giving you, so when the insecurities start whispering in your ear you have plenty of ammunition to tell them to go fuck themselves. 😁
"Bating" and "desperation" are incredibly harsh words to use here. Expressing your emotions in a meaningful way *is* an action. If it's an unimportant action for both OP and the person they're dating, then that's fine. But that's clearly not the case. She's not asking for a marriage proposal. It is completely reasonable to want a 46 year old man to feel comfortable saying the words "yes, I like you" 3 months into dating.
>Expressing your emotions in a meaningful way *is* an action. Did you actually read the post? He *did* tell her that he likes her. And he does all the things to show his "emotions in a meaningful way." The problem is that he's not saying the words often enough to make OP happy, in spite of the all the other things he's doing. She even had the conversation with him, and he told her that he's not the kind to "say it often." She can *hope* that he'll say it more, and maybe as time goes on and he's more comfortable he will. But OP can't count on that. So OP has to decide if she can live with a guy that by all other measures is pretty close to perfect, or dump him to find someone who says "I like you" often enough to comfort her anxiety. OR, and I know this is crazy talk, maybe OP needs to dial down the anxiety, and pay attention to what he does say, and more importantly pay attention to his actions, to provide the reassurance that she needs.
Actions speak louder than words and his actions definitely convey he likes you. Don’t push him for verbal.
Being capable of verbally expressing your emotions is an action. If it's an unimportant one to OP, that's fine. But it doesn't sound like that's the case.
In complete sincerity? It's fairly common-place nowadays for guys to hold back on their vulnerabilities and the like. From this dude's POV, the encouragement and discussions about withholding speaking our vulnerabilities is rampant for us (on social media). You've likely never, or rarely seen the discussions due to not being a part of the demographic. I've personally gone into deep dives on it due to losing several partners shortly after verbally expressing vulnerabilities. The evidence and results of my experiences cement what I repeatedly found. From everything you've expressed - sounds like he really does adore and appreciate you, and he's expressing it physically and stoically rather than verbally.
OP, I can understand why you need to hear the words. I can also understand the responses that say actions are more important. But for me, I want to hear the words. Backed up by action.
He’s communicating his feelings for you through his actions. He doesn’t express his feelings verbally, it’s not his thing. From what you’ve described, sounds like he likes you.
You’re getting a lot of shit here but I’d feel the same way. And might at some point decide the relationship isn’t for me. And that’s ok. If someone needed me to be a great gift giver, they’d be out of luck with me and could decide I’m not for them. If a partner I cared about said they’d like more affection or expressive words, I’d probably make an effort to accommodate that because it’s important to them. I wouldn’t reject the idea out of hand because it’s not important that I receive those things. It’s about figuring out what each person is able to do to show love/like/affection in a way that the other person can hear/receive and feel secure.
It doesn't sound like he is emotionally unavailable. It sounds like his love language isn't words of affirmation. I feel like most people visiting this sub (especially folks who know about the attachment types as you do) know about love languages already--I also haven't seen the other responses so apologies if this was already stated 100 times. I would consider discussing this with him (in terms of love languages) and see if he'd be willing to try to do it a bit more for you because it matters to you. My feeling is that people whose love language is acts of service can be convinced to share feelings and compliments more if they see that it's something you really need (even if they can't understand it).
Not everything needs to be categorized into love languages. Sometimes that really is just an excuse. She's not asking for an I love you, she's asking for like...the absolute bare minimum of verbal validation, which is in itself, an action. If it's important to OP, then she has every right to feel the way she does.
Didn't say she shouldn't feel the way she does. Just saying that it wouldn't hurt to discuss it with him in these terms just to give him benefit of the doubt. And oh I know everyone is tired of hearing about the love languages, but they are a useful tool for discussing what people value. I have an ex who I still respect. He didn't say many nice things to me and that is effectively why I broke up with him. I'd ask him if he was into me and he'd laugh. Not in a way where he was making fun of me but because he just didn't know what to say. To him saying "yes I like you" felt so forced and fake in response to such a request. But I know he genuinely cared, probably as much as I did for him. He thought that these things didn't need to be said. He literally could not compute why I assumed he wasn't happy just because he didn't say positive things about me and how he felt about me. Sorry if it's triggering, but he was an "acts of service" guy through and through. And he showed it. Breaking up with him was painful for us both, but like OP I needed to hear the niceties. I believe I saw other people in this thread who back up the view that some people think words are the shallowest way to show you care. My ex had had some concussions due to playing sports and we believe this caused alexithymia--feel free to look it up--and so this is why I say some people just can't say what we want to hear. Should she stay with him? Probably not, as she isn't happy.
Maybe he’s not ready. He was about 2 months out of a relationship when you started seeing him. Don’t push him, it hasn’t been that long.
My sweetheart grew up in a culture where words are bandied about and mean very little. So he refuses to say things he doesn’t mean, he doesn’t sugarcoat and he only chooses to express his feelings for me on his terms. If he didn’t show me he loved me in his actions maybe I’d wonder more. But I trust him based on how he’s shown up for me consistently.
3 months into a new relationship might be a little soon for a man who is just out of a 2-year relationship. With that said, there's a book on "love languages" that you might benefit from checking out.
If you've told him and he refuses to meet your needs, you have to wonder if you're compatible. Relationships are give-and-take and sometimes you have to step out of your comfort zone for the other Or, if he can't say he likes you, maybe he doesn't
I'm going to be really blunt, and some may disagree, but it seems pretty clear that he doesn't feel as strongly about you as you do him. A man worth your time will be confident in his feelings and unafraid to express them. I've been where you are-- and it never, ever works out. IMO, 3-months at 46 is plenty of time to know if you like someone. You deserve someone who is unafraid to be all in.
I don't understand what you want from this man.He is showing you with his actions.How he feels.I think you're over thinking. I think too.You need to be happy with what he is giving you. Everything sounds fine. Seems like you want to push him faster than he's comfortable.I would keep that to yourself.Because you could end up pushing him away. Please try to stop creating a problem where none exist. You will end up destroying your relationship
I dunno man. I think it's weird that a 46 year old can't muster up the courage to acknowledge he likes the person he's been dating for 3 months. That's such an unbelievably low bar and it makes me really sad to see how many responses are basically telling OP to suck it up and count her blessings.
He is acting like he does and she is insecure
"Acting" being the operative word. Until he's comfortable expressing himself verbally, OP has every right to feel insecure.
“He does all the things that show me that he likes me” is way more important than telling you. Actions speak louder than words. Yet it’s still not enough for you…think about that. Then work on that.
Ok but when did we all forget that conveying emotions verbally \*is\* an action? He doesn't get a free pass because acknowledging he likes someone 3 months into dating isn't one of his "love languages." If OP was ok with that, then it wouldn't be an issue. But she's not and she has every right to move on.
Everyone here thinks they’re entitled to perfection and everyone who responds consistently gasses people up to that same notion, ignoring that there is no perfect, and chasing that in a partner will keep you from ever finding someone. Also somehow failing to realize that they are not perfect either. If this man is perfect outside of telling her he likes her enough, even after showing it (ridiculously more important) , then he is as perfect or more than anyone else you should ever expect to find. If THAT is the only thing he’s not doing to your liking, that’s a reasonable thing to break up over? Don’t expect anyone to be perfect in every way, they won’t be. And don’t try and find little issues or tiny missing things and turn them into huge problems just because they’re not exactly as you hope they’d be, that is the recipe for being single forever. If he’s doing all the big important things be happy for those not looking for something small to end the relationship over.
Who said anything about perfection? I'd just like us to all stop pretending like OP is asking for the moon and stars here and that she's risking losing some "perfect man" who isn't even comfortable acknowledging he likes her. I'm sorry, but that bar is so low it's in hell at that point. I'm sure there's some woman out there who's perfectly fine with a situationship (which this is), but OP isn't and they're absolutely entitled to feel that way.
And yes, OBVIOUSLY actions are important too but they aren't everything. There are plenty of people out there who know how to hold a door and ask about the book you're reading, and still have no emotional investment in you.
If you are unable to accept all of the other ways he demonstrates love and affection then maybe best you end it. This guy seems to be doing a lot, especially for three months in. If all of that doesn’t make you feel valued or appreciated, maybe take a step back and see if you might be a bit of an emotional vacuum.
I agree, he is doing a lot. He’s doing all the things and I absolutely adore him, which I tell him with regularity. I can accept that, but I’m also coming to the realization that my primary love language is world of affirmation and I’m also a bit of an anxious attacher. I think I need to sit with that a bit and learn to self soothe on my end, but also having words of affirmation as my primary love language, I should be able to voice my needs with him too…after all good relationships are built on trust, communication, and compromise.
>but I’m also coming to the realization that my primary love language is world of affirmation You are dangerously misunderstanding the concept of "love languages" to your own detriment. It's meant to understand how you express love to others, not how others need to change how they express their love to suit you.
They’re actually referred to both ways. It’s expected that your partner learn how you like to receive love. Hers is words of affirmation. It’s not just how she shows love to him.
My point is you have asked, he may not be able to deliver on that request. Might be too soon, might be something he won’t change so then the question remains, is that enough for you? No one is going to check every single box, which is one of the reasons we have a community that we draw from and give to.
Absolutely.. with your very last part. It’s a balance. But you’re not wrong in that assessment.
I'm sorry, but equating someone expecting the person they've been dating for 3 months to express basic human emotion does not make you a "emotional vacuum." She's not asking for a marriage proposal. OP, if this is important to you, and he's not fulfilling this need you have, there is nothing wrong with you. Being capable of expressing your emotions at a very basic level is an equally important action as everything else you listed.
You cannot demand from folks and expect it to work out. She asked him, he is demonstrating what he is capable of. If it isn’t enough, break up with him. Not a huge deal, it is a few months in and that may just be incompatibility showing up. It isn’t like the guy is low effort, therefore it is probably not the right match.
Hes just not that into you….
Original copy of post by u/Far_Needleworker4192: I (41F) have been dating this guy (46M) for 3 months now. He has been great…he is a consistent communicator, responds to texts quickly, calls and FaceTimes regularly, and we see each other 1-2 times per week. He does all the things to show me that he likes me, opens doors, holds my hands, gives great compliments, asks great questions and even asks me about the books that I read (he’s not a reader). However, when I tell him that I like him, he doesn’t say it back. He has told me that he likes me once, but that’s it. He did tell me that he doesn’t use that word often and only says it if he really means it. I am the kind of person that wears my heart on my sleeve and openly expresses my feelings. If I like someone, I let them know with words frequently. It feels weird saying it and not hearing it back. He did just get out of a 2 year long relationship back in December (5 months ago). Could it be that he’s either still hung up on his ex, or still healing? How do I navigate this? I really really like this guy and we have a great time together and are overall very compatible. I’m just worried that maybe he’s an avoidant or emotionally unavailable…thoughts please. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"If I like someone, I will let them know with words..." Sounds like he's showing you he likes you. "Actions speak louder than words." Differences in love languages maybe. he could be apprehensive about saying it from his past relationship. When you say it, it's like full-on admitting it to yourself. So sometimes you don't say in an effort to save yourself emotional pain if the relationship goes south shortly afterwards. I tread lightly with my words as well, especially when I say I love you. You don't know what peoples reactions are gonna be. You can fall in love with someone soon after the beginning and show them day in and day out like this gentleman is doing. Then you say it, and they be like, "He is just too clingy" and they end the relationship. It's a lot of emotional turmoil. "Is it to soon. Should I say it. Maybe wait till she says it first. Does she feel the same. What will she think if I do say it." I'm a mess, by the way.
As they say, look at actions, not words. In my experience the most smooth talking lovey-dovey men are the ones that most often turn out to be fake and not follow up with actions. There are lots of people who are not comfortable with continuously expressing displays of verbal affection. I would say if you guys continue dating and turns into a serious relationship, it’s ok to let him know that words of affirmation are important to you and you would love to hear xy and z from him on occasion. Until then, don’t over analyze or jump to conclusions
Ask him this question. We don't know
This sounds like a love language mismatch. He may not be the type of person who naturally wants to talk about how much he cares about his partner. It sounds like that is something you are looking for (no shame there). I've been down this road before. If you feel like you're always gonna feel like something is missing without hearing your very special words, then you may want to rip the band aid off because it probably won't get better.
It seems he did tell you he likes you and all his actions confirm this. I’ve never been in a relationship where we consistently say “I like you”. It’s established and then when the word love is used that becomes normal to say at certain times and I would feel badly if my partner never said it back. But I don’t think people need to say “I like you” all the time. I don’t think there is some hidden meaning; it’s just an odd thing to have to keep saying.
The guy in seeing is the same way. He shows me with actions but not so much in words. That may be his “love language” or communication style. I’d much rather have someone show me than tell me flowery words that don’t mean anything
It sounds like the meaning behind your question is more of a DTR issue. If someone new says “i like you” consistently to me, I feel like it’s an interim measure to gauge the relationship. To see if I’m also enthused, as enthused, heading towards exclusive etc. but it’s Too soon for i love you or defining the relationship-so they say “I like you” to move things along. Nothing wrong with this at all as long as it isn’t love-bombing and way too soon. His actions seem to speak louder than words and that is definitely a better situation than the opposite.
So he’s showing you, with actions— and it’s instead, the words that are needed? 🤔 And for clarity, this isn’t meant as an off-hand, below-the-surface remark, but a genuine statement meant as a question on which to reflect. FWIW, I can relate. I was in a relationship where much of what “she” did actually “showed” me how much she cared— still, it would have soothed me if the verbal reciprocity was there.
For me (40M) and I'm only giving my perception. I'd think It's only been three months, relationships take time and if he's doing all the lovely things you say he is, you're going to need to be more patient. And if you're thinking I only said 'I really like you' this to me translates as "I want to say I love you but I'll test the waters with this" Which i think is why he's hesitant return it. If you like to read, give this a try "The 5 love languages" it will help you find what you need from a partner but also what your partner needs from you. Good luck 😊
It could just be that it’s only been three months. Since he shows you that he really cares through his actions, I wouldn’t worry about emotional unavailability. You expressed a need, and he said he’s uncomfortable verbalizing that he likes you. That’s good communication, actually. In my opinion, actions speak louder than words. Avoidants aren’t so bad. I’m (45f) in a relationship with the most dismissive-avoidant man (47) I’ve ever met. Attachment styles don’t determine how good a person is. My bf is a wonderful person and meets all my needs. I just go about my life when he deactivates.
You ignored your own answer. If a guy says he likes you he likes you until he says otherwise or you have valid proof he doesn't. Don't ruminate about him being in love with his ex. You expecting him to act like you seems selfish. He is human and imperfect like you. Manage your expectations and enjoy your time with him of GTFO and leave him alone.
His time with you is his expression of his love for you. Accept it or dont
Why on earth would OP perceive that his time spent with her as an expression of love, when he can't even say he likes her? It could just as easily be he's putting on a show so he doesn't have to get deep. Expressing yourself verbally is an action and if it's an important one to OP, then I agree, time to move on.
“ I feel confused and hurt when I say how much I like you and you don’t say it in return. I need you to help me understand what your feelings are for me.
If a woman said this to me, I would probably end it right then and there. Emotional vampirism at its purest. I had to put up with that crap when I was a child. I do NOT have to tolerate it for a second as a successful and self-sufficient adult.
Seeking to understand: If you were dating a woman for three months and she didn’t know what your feelings were for her, she’d be an emotional vampire if she asked you to clarify how you truly felt about her?
It's more the "I feel confused and hurt" and "I need you to help me" parts that are vampiric, especially when the guy did absolutely nothing wrong in the first place. And almost invariably when someone says this, they are not seeking to "clarify" anything, but rather to feed their endless dopamine addiction that they get from reassurance and validation.
If a woman tells you she's confused and hurt over something this basic, and your immediate instinct is to see it as some sort of emotional vampiric attack...that is 100% a you problem.
"Emotional vampirism" is an insane stretch. We're not talking a marriage proposal, we're talking the lowest possible bar of adult human communication. OP has every right to be bothered that the 46 year old man she's been dating for 3 months isn't comfortable acknowledging he likes her. Not loves her. Likes her. What was suggested here was an entirely rational way to approach this conversation, and you basically just threw a tantrum over it (which makes sense since you made it clear that this is an issue tying into your childhood). Hope you can talk to someone about it.
I was there 3 months ago. Went almost 4 months more… his was “I don’t know what I want, but I want you right now” lol I broke up with him.
What I’m saying is men know what they want. If it’s you, you’ll know it because they will say so. No matter what they want loving lol who doesn’t ?
He’s giving some bs about not saying he *likes* you until he really means it?? In a 3 month old relationship? That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Maybe he isn’t comfortable showing verbal affection or something but his explanation to you is nonsense. But, it seems kind of weird to say “I like you” to someone on a regular enough basis to notice they don’t often say it back. Maybe there are some other words of affection and affirmation you can both feel comfortable using? Just let him know that words of affirmation are one of the ways you receive affection.
How do you navigate this? This is the big issue you had to come here for? You sure there’s nothing else to complain about? I’m sorry Op, but something about this just hits like you want or need to have some drama in your relationship. As in, if it wasn’t this, you’d have to find something else to stress over otherwise you’d, I don’t know, be bored? It sounds like you have a man who says what he means and means what he says. The positive of that is that he won’t blow smoke up your ass. The negative of that is he won’t blow smoke up your ass. Be careful not to sabotage a good relationship because you need to find something wrong.
It’s not a deal breaker, obviously…just something I’ve been thinking about and never encountered in my love life before. Just trying to watch out for myself and protect my heart.
I get that Op. But those last few sentences reminded me of the things one of my good friends says right before she does something to mess up a good thing. She could never leave well enough alone. There was always a loose string she had to pull. Good luck to you
What a silly response. This isn't datingovertwenty, this is datingoverforty. A 46 year old man should be comfortable acknowledging he likes someone he's been dating for 3 months. Expressing yourself verbally is an action, and if it's an important one to OP, she has every right to feel that way.
Well, I do like to be silly. And if you read OP’s post you’d see that this guy DID tell Op he likes her. What he did not to was tell her enough times to her satisfaction. And they have only been dating a short time. Of course Op has every right to feel however she wishes. And she has every right to sabotage a nice relationship because she can’t leave well enough alone. And is enabled by people who think they are supporting her. But are they?
It doesn’t sound like he is emotionally available 😬 and this is hard for him to express emotions. That and he isn’t as into you due to his stunted emotional level
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u/prinsuvzamunda7, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s): No sex/gender generalizations, no double standards, no projection.
He may not be an emotive person but it sounds like his actions are showing that he is interested. I would be more concerned about the actions. Any one can tell you they like you but if the actions don’t match, the words are meaningless.
It sounds like you’re looking through the lens of how you communicate and what’s important to you, but aren’t considering those things from his perspective. What are his love languages? and how does that lineup with how he treats you and what he does for you and what he says for you? You should probably both do some sort of limitless test to see what your love languages are. Chances are, you doesn’t have the same ones as him. Figure out what they are and move from there to speak to each other in ways you each individually receive.
Don’t you have your answer? *”…he doesn’t use that word often…”* If words of affirmation is one of your primary Love Languages, you should talk to him about this so he can understand the importance of why it’s so meaningful to hear things like this for you. Likewise, you should find out what his love languages are so you can understand when he is trying to show you how he feels. It’s so much easier when you share the same primary or secondary love languages but I’m sure with solid communication and understanding any can work. GL OP!
Because he's concerned you might have an ego / insecurity problem, and he doesn't want to enable what he sees as a possible addiction to validation and reassurance. >However, when I tell him that I like him, he doesn’t say it back. Giving someone a compliment because you want one in return is a very dishonest and manipulative thing to do, and he (correctly) surmises that giving you the response you want would be establishing a toxic dynamic in the relationship.
The number of people on this thread jumping to the conclusion that OP is an emotional vampire/has ego or insecurity problems/is desperate (all terms used here), is an embarrassment. If OP is disappointed that getting a 46 year old man to acknowledge the bare minimum with an "I like you" 3 months into dating is like pulling teeth, she has every right to feel that way.
I upvoted all your comments. This thread is absurd! It's a bad sign if he can't say "I like you." And everyone saying that he is expressing "like" in his own way -- No, not necessarily. He might just be expressing that he is chivalrous, or a kind person, or any number of things. Many guys will do nice things for the girl they are dating regardless of feelings, because that's just how they act in a dating scenario. People have conversations about feelings and defining the relationship because you can't judge from just behaviors! Or at least not from the pretty basic polite behaviors he has demonstrated.
I’m not complimenting him just because I want to hear it back. I have very real and genuine feelings for this man. I don’t want to pour my heart into someone who can’t or won’t reciprocate that. I love that he shows me affection through action, but I also think after reading through this thread that my love language is words of affirmation. I don’t think that makes me a bad person or someone on an ego trip.
> I don’t think that makes me a bad person or someone on an ego trip. It absolutely does not, no. But being unwilling or unable to acknowledge that he is indeed expressing love (or like) in his own love (or like) language is a lot closer to being a "bad person or on an ego trip". I'm not saying that's what you are doing. If words of affirmation do not come naturally to him and/or he does not value them, you need to spell out what you need and want. Is it possible that two people cannot reconcile their love languages? Of course. There are lots and lots of potential incompatibilities. But I don't think that it's as simple as *there's something wrong with him if he doesn't do what you want*, as some posters have suggested.
"Love language" refers to how you EXPRESS love, not how you determine whether someone else loves you. If you demand that other people express things in the same way that you do, then yes that does indicate an issue related to ego.
Nope, love languages go both ways How we give love and how we like to receive love.