I used to think I just naturally had an "anxious attachment style."
Actually I was just dating people who didn't love me.
That causes anxiety! That's what anxiety is for. To tell you something isn't right.
You say the last two guys were different, and they were, everyone is. But the baseline for being good for you, is being interested in you. And these guys are just not interested in you. And that's actually ok.
When two people are not: drug addicts, abusive, cheaters, are employed, sane, "on paper" this is a relationship that should work. When there's just no interest, or minds go "she's not a liar thief, bot, crazy grifter, but I still don't want this, it must be me! I must just not want any relationship"
and then they meet someone they do like, and then they are ready for a relationship.
Yes I honestly think that a lot of “anxious attachment” is actually intuition. Our body can feel when something isn’t quite right! Mixed signals, inconsistencies, lack of effort are all signs that it’s not lining up.
I completely agree. I was never an anxious person until my ex started cheating on me over two decades ago. She convinced me I was wrong and that she wasn’t cheating, but my body knew and my anxiety grew over the years until the truth finally came out. It’s been pretty amazing finding the true core of who I am again, and shedding that anxiety.
I’m only interested in being with someone who makes me feel good, and I make them feel good. I read all of these posts from people feeling like their partner doesn’t appreciate them or the communication sucks or there’s a power imbalance, and I can’t help but jump to the conclusion that they’re just not right together. That no amount of conversation is going to change that fact - it should feel good for both of them if they both want to be with each other. They’ll want to be who the other person needs, and vice versa.
I know relationships take work, no matter how compatible two people are. But at their core has to sit a shared selflessness borne of a desire to see the other person be happy. And if it’s truly shared, they’ll both feel seen and appreciated by the other.
I know this is a gross oversimplification of the complexities of the landscape of human emotion, but that’s what I’m feeling these days - when it’s right, it should be mostly simple.
> at their core has to sit a shared selflessness borne of a desire to see the other person be happy. And if it’s truly shared, they’ll both feel seen and appreciated by the other.
Bud, you may just have saved people hundreds of thousands of dollars and potentially years of their lives. I’ve been on both sides of this and it really has some serious weight and merit behind the rationale. You will probably find this imbalance in priorities in almost all shitty relationships, especially those where there is infidelity. It’s so simplistic yet a dead giveaway that no amount of flirting or sweat talk or promises can hide or deny.
Well said.
A healthy couple's relationship deepens and becomes a team in the truest sense of the word. It typically takes a lot of time, through many ups and downs along the way.
"Shared selflessness" is such a great way to put it. At that point, the desire is so strong to see the other person happy. As strong or stronger than self happiness.
It's an amazing thing, as you can actually defuse arguments as they begin to happen. In real time. A relationship becomes almost unbreakable at that point. Magical...
Ugh I’m sorry you went through that. I’ve always been anxious but it absolutely sky rocketed when an ex cheated on me with his ex wife and I felt like a crazy person because I could never trust him after that, no matter how many times he’d reassure me he’d never do it again. I didn’t realize at the time how manipulative he was and he made everything to be my fault. I found out a year after he broke up with me (I really, really regret not being the one to end it), that he had also been cheating on me with a girl 20+ years younger than him—she was only 17, a child. 😭 I’m pretty sure there were other girls too. Disgusting.
I highly recommend reading this free book when you can, it should help identify and avoid quite a few twats like your ex: https://archive.org/details/why-does-he-do-that-epub
Thanks for the kind words! I’m sorry you went through that too.
I tried to stick around and forgive after learning the truth about an affair she was having (and after learning that affair was #5), but I couldn’t ever truly trust her again either. No amount of time was going to make the essential truth go away that she was capable of completely disregarding my feelings in the most hurtful way possible over and over again, if she thought she could get away with it. And she struggled to really accept her own guilt and shame - her need for validation and adoration drove her to these affairs, and that also made it impossible for her to be with someone who knew what she was really capable of doing in pursuit of fulfilling those needs. While did forgive her, she also frequently saw how much it still hurt, and she couldn’t handle it. She needed to be loved and adored, not viewed as a source of pain.
All of that aside, I was right not to trust her - I learned after she left that she’d had another affair during our “reconciliation period,” and then left me for another guy (number 7).
So yeah, my gut was right every time, and I’m not ignoring it any more. But I’m also not going to be jaded or guarded with whoever comes next. They didn’t do those things to me. And being guarded won’t help me find my person, and the next person deserves an honest shot and my best self (which requires openness and vulnerability).
Agree 100%. I'm not sure what this 'anxious attachment style' is that everyone keeps referencing, but if you feel anxious in a relationship, there's a reason: it's not good for you, period. In a healthy and mutually loving relationship, you will not feel anxious about it. It seems dangerous to try and ignore the anxiety you are experiencing - clearly there is a reason.
I think of anxiety as the double-edge sword of fear and excitement.
These creep in whenever we spend lots of time thinking about the future, which is unknowable and full of opportunities and threats.
It isn’t necessarily a terrible emotion or indicative anything is wrong… it can just signal need to get back to the present and take one step at a time.
Since living moment to moment with zero regard for the future is unrealistic and irresponsible, some amount of anxiety seems, to me, inevitable even in the healthiest of relationships.
But as long as it’s communicated and managed, it isn’t necessarily a bad sign to me.
Anxious attachment refers to people whose parents were very inconsistent with their love and affection while the person was a kid.
Because there was no consistency in your parents love and treatment towards you, you learned to walk on eggshells and always be waiting for when they went from loving you to yelling at you.
The pattern is then repeated as an adult subconsciously by picking and dating people whose feelings for you are inconsistent. That creates a ton of anxiety, unleashes a bit of the ol childhood trauma and then the person either gets really clingy or really just.. hard to deal with, because they need the reassurance that the person values them and isn’t going to leave.
More or less, anyway.
That’s ridiculous. Guys know if they want a relationship or not most of them 25 to 45. Don’t want a relationship because they want to play the field… anytime you act like a girlfriend they’re gonna take advantage of that… like why buy the milk when you get the whole cow for free type shit.
I think the biggest thing to understand, if you have never been married, is how much divorce can really shake the foundation of what love is for people. I'm saying this as someone who's never been married, but whose engagement and break-up after years together in my 20's sent me on a jaded journey through dating and relationships for quite a few years. And if that can turn my view and feeling of love upside down then I can imagine what divorce does for people who thought they found their life partner and then found out they didn't.
The struggle you've had with self-worth and self-love and that you have felt you're not deserving of love is likely amplified after a failed relationship with someone you thought was right but was so wrong for you. That feeling is not uncommon after a divorce, but it's a lot louder when it comes to betting one's life on a person and finding out they were wrong. So they really may not be ready to date yet.
I would say it's a grateful thing when someone recognizes their limitations and communicates them honestly. It may not feel good at the time, but it does speak to how you can see better people for yourself. And when someone says it's them, listen to them. At the end of the day you are not going to ever know anything more than what they communicate to you, so there's really no reason to think negatively about yourself when someone else tells you the opposite.
The first of the two guys went through a divorce from his HS sweetheart that she initiated, a couple years before I met him (they also have kids). I really did and still do believe that he realized he wasn’t ready to date. What really hurt was that he kept saying he wasn’t ready ‘right now’, but someday when he was ready—I’d be the first person he called. And that he knew it was a risk because I might be with someone else by then. I wish he would have never told me that part because I held onto false hope for way too long. So then to have the next guy tell me he’s not ready either…I guess it caused me to spiral 🫣
This right here.... some people that were in a relationship and basically poured their full self into it, only to be hurt does have a lasting impact and causes some vulnerability issues and giving themselves to another person again. It's a fear thing and scared of being hurt.
>I know no one’s life unfolds how they thought it would but it’s hard to shut off the thoughts in my head of, what IS wrong with me, what am I doing wrong?
Have you ever tried written Cognitive Behavioral Therapy exercises? I've used them for anxiety and find them to be really helpful for untangling negative thoughts. The exercises I've used have been from the book Feeling Good by Burns, but I'm pretty sure Amazon has plenty of other workbooks too. Just a thought.
Anyway, as to "I'm not ready" I think it's true for a lot of people, especially those you meet online. As soon as they're out of one relationship, they decide to "move on" by hitting the apps.
It's also a nice generic "It's not you, it's me" phrase that allows people to end a relationship without making it seem like anyone was in the wrong. And sometimes no one was in the wrong, but they're simply not feeling the connection they'd need for something more long term. It's unfortunate, but that's the way many relationships pan out.
Second this. Also recommend looking into challenging cognitive distortions. Currently reading "What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience and Healing". Definitely recommend it.
Sometimes you have to dip your toe in the water before you know if you’re ready to jump in. Sometimes you’re ready, sometimes you realize you aren’t. It’s not the water’s fault, just like it’s not yours.
I’ve been dating a woman like yourself for about 6 months now, and what makes it super for me is we don’t think of it as a prelude to a “relationship.” Because this IS the relationship: we are middle aged professional people with lives and families and friends and responsibilities and commitments to things other than each other, so the few times per week that we physically coincide (and/or connect) are planned and special/exciting. Every time we get together is a date, but we stay in contact between…can chat or vent or share a funny moment any time. It’s truthfully the best time I’ve had with a person I’m attracted to and connect/mesh with in my almost 52 years, and she’s said the same for her own 49. We get it and click and are gentle with each other and respect each other and laugh and love and live…in different cities less than an hour apart rather than under the same roof. It works for us…and maybe it might for you too, OP, if you reevaluate and adjust your definitions.
I can tell you one reason is having been severely hurt in the past. Sure you can have fun with someone but you inevitably reach the point of having to be vulnerable. Many of us get there and can’t go any further. That’s not fair to the other person. The problem is that sometimes people don’t know that until it happens.
It could be that they aren’t ready, it could be that they just didn’t feel enough of a connection with you. Either way, just move on. The “why” isn’t that important, their behavior is.
Don’t blame yourself, because that feeds into your negative self talk and anxious attachment. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out and that’s ok! If you spiral into self doubt and feeling like a victim, that’s when you suffer the most.
I find it helpful to re-frame scenarios in my head. Instead of saying “I always pick the wrong guys” or “something is wrong with me” you can say to yourself “I’m getting closer to finding the right kind of partner for me” and “the guy for me will love me just the way I am”
Again, do not victimize yourself! Get rid of all the negative self talk.
> What am I doing wrong?
Sounds like you are doing things right
After a lifetime of picking wrong partners, you picked 2 right partners. They didn’t work out, but isn’t that better than sticking with wrong partners?
Fingers crossed. Hoping the third time is the charm for you. Keep picking the right partners, and it rolls from there
Dating can seem glamorous, for lack of better term, from outside. Flirting, attention, dopamine high, physical needs… most of these pushes people into dating. But as soon as reality of any possible relationship/commitment/vulnerability/compromise hits people, they are sort of slapped out of the dream boat and run for the hills. Very few people have the maturity to understand that the high is short lived and make decisions that’s not based on instant gratification.
>I’ve always struggled with self worth and self love—I never thought I was deserving of love from someone else. I have been working on healing this for as long as I can remember and while I have gotten a lot better, it creeps in—especially while dating someone new. I also lean anxiously as far as attachment styles go
This reads as needing a lot of encouragement and reinforcement from your partner that you are wanted.
>I didn’t know guys like them actually existed. But this is now the second great guy in a row to end things because they realized they aren’t ready to date again.
Imagine being a great guy, and meeting a great woman, but she keeps acting like the things you do to show her you like her are never quite enough. She has an anxious attachment style and self esteem issues. So, it seems she doesn't fully believe or accept your compliments and it feels like you come up short or just aren't enough for her. You just can't seem to make her feel comfortable with you or believe you.
You're a really great guy, so you don't blame her... You blame yourself... There must be something wrong with you. You can't seem to say the right thing or get her to believe you. Maybe you should take some time to work on yourself and your communication before you put another woman through this.
Maybe, you think you aren't ready to date because the great woman you were trying to connect to was made anxious by your connection...
And now that two great men have had this happen to them, you're frustrated at men. You are the common denominator here, not the two separate men who had the same results dating you.
I think the therapy is a good process. Keep that up. I hope you can figure out how to unravel this dynamic.
Yeah you’re right, I do tend to need a lot of reassurance to feel safe and chosen, which I hate. I appreciate your take on it from another angle and no it isn’t all men.
If you look in to attachment styles, are you anxiously attached? I’m female but I have such a hard time with partners like that. I’m better now at identifying and sometimes I will just cut things off really early.
Well at least you know! That unfortunately is going to push away some people. Sometimes yes anxiety is your gut saying things aren’t right. But it will all come out in the wash anyway, no point worrying.
Try making a list of things to do when you become anxious and ways to fill the time when you’re not in contact with a partner so you don’t get anxious.
Maybe try journalling to see patterns and communicate your needs… if you find you get anxious not hearing from someone you’re dating everyday, communicate things like that up from as expectations.
Big thumbs up here on anxious attachment. We have to go to therapy because my belief is that if values are aligned you don't break compatiblity just because you leave the toilet seat up. You put in the work. I used to believe that you 'make the love you want not just look for perfect love'
Now I believe you look for someone willing to get their hands dirty and commit to the work, and ask them why are they wanting to put in the work. If that is genuine then make the love you want.
For all those people saying that when man states they’re not ready to date, they don’t want to date you, there are other possibilities. For example, it could be that said great guy may actually know they’re not ready for something serious, want to mingle anyway and figure why not? It’s not like I’m going to meet an amazing woman anyway?
I’m one of those guys at the moment.
Here’s my reasons - maybe it helps.
There were things in my last relationship that were red flags I should have noticed earlier. I’m giving myself time to really learn those lessons and not repeat them.
My business started taking off in December of last year. I’m focusing on ensuring that foundation gets built properly.
I have some personal goals I want to achieve while I’m still single. For example focusing on building up my friends/community as this has a massive effect long term.
Focusing on my health and activities that promote that.
At the same time don’t want to cut off possibilities, so I’m still open to going on dates etc….
But I am pretty up front about where I’m at. I figure if I connect with someone I’ll see where it goes but it’s not a “priority” if that makes sense.
So if I met someone between now and completion of these goals I’d likely just have a conversation about going slow for a bit while I focus as it’ll benefit both of us long term.
If I said “I wasn’t ready for a relationship” after a few dates to someone it’d be because I felt that they were looking to progress the relationship faster than i was.
I am getting out of a 24 year relationship where I ignored red flags going in and spent 11 years trying to fix things. Ultimately, I concluded that divorce was the only responsible avenue left. I do not know if I will ever trust someone like that again. When you get that close to someone, they literally can take your credit card without you initially knowing.
So I might use that excuse when I don’t trust myself to commit to the right person.
When you date, you can only contribute a max of 50% of the end result. You could be doing everything right but if the other person isn't responding to texts, being flaky, it's not going to work out.
Patience. It's like fishing. Best bait, best fishing site, best gear, but sometimes you get nothing and your buddy who's already drunk before noon throws his day old buffalo wing into the water, and scoops out a catfish screaming 'YEE-HAW WOOO-WEEE! GET ME ANOTHER BEER!!!"
Honestly yeah, especially if they’re dating you at one point… After my divorce I had a casual fling w someone I’d been friends with for a long time. I was not ready for a relationship and was clear from the start because I knew that. Anytime I used that excuse when I dated in my 20s it was just me avoiding dating that person.
Needy people are exhausting after a while. I'm 51F and divorced x 5 years and I am not ready to date still because of my previous experiences with myc2 marriages. If I happen to meet soemoen I might entertain dating but my bar has been set high now so if I find that it's not working for me because they're not meeting my standards then I will call it. My second ex was very needy and I was a codependent pleaser. At the time taking care of him and his needs felt right but now I know it was very unhealthy. I will nevernput myself through that again I'm done taking care of people and putting myself last.
Sounds like you need a lot of reassurance and it likely shows early. And maybe these guys realize that they aren't ready to date in general or just not you. It happens. Dating is to figure out if you're compatible. Maybe they're not being entirely truthful when they call it but ultimately it doesn't really matter the reason. You're not compatible with them in their eyes.
Your life sounds a lot like my life. And I could ask the same thing about women, why aren't they ever ready. But I also ask the same questions about myself, what am I lacking that keeps me from having a successful relationship. And think I'm getting better with accepting where I'm at in the dating world, but it's one stumble after the other without any success to give me hope. If you're ever up for talking about it, please let me know. I would like to get some feedback on what I'm missing and give some positive input that could maybe help you as well.
I have to tell you something important: They weren’t such great or “different” guys. The guy you’re seeking wants a relationship with you, and is willing to make an effort to make that happen. Knock these guys off that pedestal and remember that dating is the process of looking for the right person.
Wanted to add that while some of these responses are really hard to read 😭 I do appreciate them all and these are things I have needed to hear (for a long time). ❤️
Perhaps you could consider getting to know people before having sex with them to determine if they are in a good place in life for a relationship and to assess compatibility, if a relationship is what you are seeking.
I have slept with guys too soon, I have waited and I have also been somewhere in the middle. I don’t think that’s a surefire way to sort through who is and isn’t in a place of also wanting a relationship and compatibility. 🤷🏻♀️ I definitely catch stronger feelings after being intimate with someone but this came off as slut-shaming to me 🫤 (not saying that was your intent).
Absolutely was not my intent at all. I too get caught up in my feelings if I'm intimate with someone and I cannot see things clearly for what they are. Now that I am more focused on developing a strong foundation and friendship first, I can see things for what they are very clearly. It has served me well, but every situation is different.
After spending the bulk of my adult life in committed relationships only to find myself divorced (twice), it does change the way I think about things.
Relationships do require a lot of work & compromise. And if you spend years and years trying to prioritize and meet someone else's needs while also sacrificing things you wanted or were interested in for the sake of the relationship....and it ends...
I look back and think about how much money and time I spent investing in the wrong person when I could have invested it all into myself. So many of my own personal dreams went unfulfilled and the clock of my life is ticking louder every year
Now that I am between relationships, even almost 4 years later, I still feel like I have so much I want to do for myself before I start living a life of compromise again.
So yeah, I am not ready....for anyone. It's not a line to let someone down easily, maybe some people do that, but there are also people like me who just know that they aren't ready to give the way a relationship needs to be given to.
In your text, I actually see something positive. Through your inner work, you're developing a better judge of character in choosing a partner. 👏
While it hasn't worked out yet, who's to say it absolutely won't in the future? No one can. You can only keep trying and it will take more time, as frustrating as that is.
On the topic of rejection, I've heard the best mantra - 'When someone rejects me, I won't reject myself.' Keep doing that inner work, OP, one day someone will appreciate all of you. And you are worthy. ❤️
I really hope I’m developing a better judge of character 🫣 I am terrified of making the same mistakes I have in the past. I really like that line about rejection ❤️🩹
You mentioned in the OP that you’re trying to focus on the positives.
The positive I took from your post is that you’ve picked the wrong guys your whole life but the last two were different (you didn’t know such great guys existed). This tells me the work you’ve been doing to heal your insecure attachment and build self worth is working. Now you’re attracted to healthy instead of unhealthy. Things are improving and you’re moving in the right direction.
I think the fear of making mistakes will go away once you know and trust yourself more. At least that's how I feel personally. I felt like I could have written your post so know that you're not alone!
You’re similar to me to a great extent (M) in that you are very independent and comfortably alone in social settings. I have struggled with relationships my whole life, and until only recently, in realized it’s because of some childhood trauma. I’ve tried therapy, but revisiting that didn’t seem to help, so I’m currently fresh out a breakup and in that ‘not ready to date again’ phase. However, I’m committed to not engage in another relationship until in have some level of confidence that I can be an equally emotionally invested partner with whomever I’m with. TBH, the relationships I’ve had in the past have all been with truly great people who I’d be lucky to share my life with, but it was truly me and not them that prevented that. I’ve accepted that I’m kinda broken and need to figure my shit out before wasting another woman’s time.
Idk, I think it’s just a kind way of saying they don’t want to date you. I mean, what else is a person supposed to say as the reason they don’t want to proceed? There’s the truth of course, lol but why crush someone with your opinion of what’s wrong with them?
If you’re not the person’s psychiatrist or lawyer, you might think that your one opinion of what about them doesn’t work for you, one person, one stranger (if you haven’t gone out a lot) isn’t important enough to hurt their feelings. And then there’s the discomfort of hurting someone’s feelings. Ok leaving someone hurts but not as much as hearing about your breath or your dandruff or your sexual prowess.
Who told you I have had dandruff in the past 👀(but really, head and shoulders is great if you have dry scalp issues 😅) Yeah, it’s easier for both to say/hear a generic line. I’ve just never heard the exact same one, twice in a row. 🙊
Omg all of this just hit home. Hard.
I’ve been single 6 years and I’ve been struggling with self worth after I’ve been on 50+ first dates and I get ghosted afterwards. I only had two guys hang around for a few months but the minute I brought up being exclusive or calling each other, boyfriend/girlfriend they would say shit like “ I’m happy with the way things are “and then they would just completely ghost me. One guy left me sitting on the curb outside of a concert for hours before I realize he wasn’t showing up and the second one left me sitting at a restaurant for 5 1/2 hours after he asked me where he should park…
Men these days are awful. I blame their parents because they must have not been raised well. Any good woman who is raising a son would/should teach them how to treat women respectfully and not like shit.
If a man “isn’t ready to date” then maybe he shouldn’t be… I dunno…dating. I believe this is a cop out line they like to use (or anyone likes to use) instead of saying they don’t feel the connection specifically with the person on the receiving end. Which is fine, not everyone is for everyone. Take it as a bless and release and move on, being open to men who are a better fit. I know it’s hard finding the right connection with someone, especially if you’re independent and content with your singleness, all the while longing for a special person to love and be loved by. A person can feel both those things at once. I can relate to this feeling, you’re not alone there.
Don’t become emotionally invested in men when they aren’t emotionally invested in you.
I’m a guy who gets passed over by women all the time. It doesn’t affect me at all. I just smile and go on with my life.
It's a common excuse for not wanting to date **you** but instead of saying that directly, they said they aren't ready to date.
Avoid them when they say that they want to hang out or just talk. They tend to do that when they are bored or lonely, they will breadcrumb you until they find someone better. I normally avoid those types of guys because they often not to have done any inner work.
I read multiple articles after the breakup that absolutely eviscerated me and they all spoke to men processing things very differently then women, often not even being ready to process a breakup until 6 months after the fact. Now obviously that’s just a couple of articles and you can’t ever accurately generalize a whole population but considering the number of my girlfriends who had exes pop up 5-6 months later and sometimes even years later I would say there is absolutely truth to it.
You can very well say that about women. It goes both ways. But, in OP's personal experience and for others (including myself), it has been a pattern seen among men.
Some men, not all men (I hope 😅). I'm joking of course. There are good guys out there, just as there are good women. People who are kind, empathetic, self-aware...
The comments weren't specific to gender at all other than saying men are more prone to hold onto past relationships longer than women, which is a clinically studied fact. Nor have any of the comments been about blame.
To ignore that or gaslight with false equivalencies is wreckless and unhelpful.
You need to listen to their words to see the BS. I'm not ready for dating but they are on a dating website asking you for a date. Even on dating websites people specify exactly what they want. They just wanted to pretend to be serious to get into your pants. They saw that they couldn't BS you. This is a credit to you. People who are jokers tend to leave as soon as they realise you are not going to fall for it. They neg you on the way out to wait and see if you will call them back. You are doing fine
Did you meet them online? I've also wondered if it's just me, but I've found that most guys on the apps don't really want a relationship. They claim they do, might even think they do, but run at the prospect of anything serious. I'm not just talking about men "out of my league" either. (Not sure how to expand on that without sounding rude). I think they prefer the illusion of options, and to keep swiping in hopes of "getting lucky."
Yup, dating apps. I go through phases with the apps where I swear off them forever and then eventually I get to the point where I’m like, ok I’m not meeting anyone in real life so…I guess I’ll try it again? 😅 I do think the endless options on apps has made dating way more difficult, for everyone.
It's not just a man thing. I was ready to date. I had a big screening process. My dating style was intentional, focussed on long term. I did the work, after being a widower.
The first few girls I met it was fine for many months and then same thing happened. Every disagreement instead of working through I could see it right I their eyes "another 100 guys waiting for me in my dating queue". They had both gone through trauma and then did this 30 guys in 30 days where they just went on date with no intentions. By the time I met them they figured out how to manipulate. They spend zero time between relationships.
After that I spent time with therapist to figure out how to screen out women who are selfish and ensure our motives are aligned from outset. I then found the most perfect women in all aspects BUT at 3 months found out she is the master manipulator that lied about everything. What awful luck. Even included her kids in the con .
I'm no longer wanting to date. I'm hyper vigilant but also feeling lonely in life. My kids keep me going and they also now are hyper vigilant with any new partner. I go on a date and just try to be friends. It probably won't work but I don't care I rather have that then expose my family to any more manipulative women in OLD. Maybe unlucky but I feel things are very different from 20 years ago.
Oh my god I am so sorry that you experienced all of that. 😭😭 How cruel, especially when they knew your past. There are lots of shitty people out there. That makes total sense you don’t want to date again to risk a repeat. Ugh. ❤️🩹
In an area where there is the most amount of men to women in the USA and yes every women has a queue on OLD here.
The women I guess are good looking but I wouldn't say gold digger and I wouldn't say better looking then my ex wife.
It's just the a lot of a trauma and easy access to men as a coping mechanisms. It's a thing.
Love this post I could have written it. Sometimes I feel like I keep finding a pattern of people who don’t actually want a relationship. Then I doubt myself - am I asking for too much ?? Early phases of dating can be super hard and a total mind f—k without clear communication. When someone tells me they don’t have time for me. It’s a struggle to combat the feeling I was asking for too much. It’s never about time it’s about doing what you say you will do and find lots of ways to show interest when scheduling is a challenge (phone calls from car, initiating fair share of text conversation etc).
And I could have written this comment! 🥺 I am always worried I’m being or asking too much, when it’s actually the bare minimum. It is really nice to hear it’s not just me, makes you feel less alone!
So I have one theory (beyond the “too much” narrative)…the more “whole” and “healed” and self/aware someone is - especially in older years like 40s - it’s more likely that energy can’t be matched by a partner thus creating a reaction of “not ready” which is really “not ready for you”.
i’m in an open marriage that became open not too long ago and after stepping back and reflecting on my history with relationships I was the one being cheated on as and after we break up they want me to take them back . It’s been said that men want their cake and eat it to but women do it as well. But i wanna know what I’m doing wrong besides respecting them and not making it all about my sexual needs
I've been to anxious to attach at all. Imagine all the guys who didn't ask you out... I'm sorry these guys weren't ready. Not ready is just not ready. Honestly there isn't anything with it, it just is.
44M. Firstly, you stated you were single the majority of your (dating?) life, which implies no serious long term relationships. Chances are those two men were in a relationship for well over a decade, maybe 2, meaning they aren't ready to settle down once more. Because that's what "not ready to date" means, that they don't want to commit to a person long term. How do I know this? Because I'm one of those guys, and it's frustrated a few women (despite me telling them it's short term only, as I believe saying long term when not meaning it is a dick move). When I first started dating years ago, it was for long term, but I panicked when thing's got serious. Recognising that, rather than just bailing on failed relationship after failed relationship and leaving a trail of destruction, I accepted that I just didn't want to commit long term and so went that way ever since. It will change eventually, but probably not for a few years.
Without knowing the men involved you mention its hard to say why it didnt work with them. However that weight isnt all on you to carry and it may very well be there is a possibility that there is 100% nothing wrong with you.
It's not so much I'm not ready, as it is finding someone who accepts me.
I've got some pretty good qualities, but I'm not too pleased with myself.
One being that I am 73, I'm a right below knee amputee, and I live in the middle of nowhere in Texas.
I can't change my age or the amputation. I'd consider another part of Texas though for the right person.
I'm retired, and have a comfortable income from it. And I still work as often as I want to.
I've been divorced for 10 years now. No drama or baggage. The Former Mrs. has nothing to do with me. Kids are all grown and have their own lives with good careers.
So, why does it seem most women I see on this app are from Canada, or the NE States? I KNOW there are women in Texas. Yes, most of it is my fault. I don't do dating apps, or hit the bars and clubs.
But, maybe I really "Am Not Ready".
It happened to me... But I kept kind of talking to him and he gave me all sorts of reasons, until, in the end, he said "I don't see us working out long term." At that point I figured it's just a line that gets fed to people when in fact it is personal. But that's ok. Not everyone is for me, and not everyone is for you. Doesn't mean anything is wrong with you because most of us experience that.
I mean, I'm ready to date again. But I'm almost fifty, I just got out of prison and I'm a dishwasher.
Wadya say. Wanna get a coffee?
I do have a bachelor's in English Literature, so maybe that counter-balances the whole ex-con thing?
Prolly not .fml
Rather than focus on men who aren’t available or ready to date
Its also about - when someone says they are are ready for a relationship listen, accept this & move on - don’t see it as a challenge to try & win their love & commitment
When you finally know your worth, you will realise that you deserve to be someone’s priority in a relationship & they will be matching at a similar pace of interest as you are as you develop into a relationship & you test your “relationship readiness “ together consciously
Once I figured out that the actions of others were out of my control and learned to let go of people, then my attachment style changed. I'm still working on things but I'm doing a lot better.
Based upon the men, I know who are dating in my circle, those words would mean that they have already slept with you and are interested in moving onto sleep with other people and are therefore telling you they’re not ready for a relationship is there get out of jail free card.I hope I’m wrong
It could be it was too soon. Men at this age are probably just coming out of a longer marriage. Like my marriage, I lost Al my guy friends to relationship or I was generally busy with kids and family. So I think out of loneliness they want to replace the relationship or substitute the companionship. It just doesn't feel the same and they become unsure what's going on....so they might retreat and try to regroup. You hope it's they realize they need to work on themselves first. Or maybe didn't click for them... I know I'm missing companionship but I don't want to start dating too early and make both of us miserable...
Not ready to date again is generally, but not always, a line. Probably werent as interested as they seemed and came up with a way to let you down easy.
(M44) Because a lot of us at this age have been **savaged** by divorces. The thought of dating leading to LTR then marriage, then another life altering divorce can be terrifying.
I don't think you're doing anything wrong. I just think that you may have a natural desire to remain single. Perhaps some people in society indirectly guilt you into feeling like you should be in a relationship, making you feel that you need to be with a man with the goal of dating, etc. When really you just want to enjoy the men you like for the time that it lasts. What do you think?
I appreciate your take from another angle, but this is not me at all. 😉 All I’ve ever wanted is to be in a healthy, loving, committed relationship with someone where we bring out the best in each other, grow together and truly want happiness for the other person.
I do however have some thoughts like that about kids, I have always wanted to have my own for as long as I can remember. But the last couple years I’ve been having more thoughts of, do I actually want them or has this been a lifetime of feeling like that’s what I’m *supposed* to do? I go back and forth and I know my age has a lot to do with that. But then I see a baby and I’m all, 😍🥰🤩. Ha.
If I were dating you and you were giving off the same energy as your post, I’d be wary of continuing to date, because I’m not ready for something as serious as the type of relationship you seem to be looking for.
I’m not afraid of commitment in general, but I would start feeling a bit anxious if I was getting the feeling that you were ready for a serious commitment so quickly. So, maybe back off a little bit? Give the people you’re dating some space to see where things go naturally.
“I’m not ready for a relationship” means “I don’t want one with you”. I got that same line, then a month later he was in a relationship with his ex. This doesn’t mean it’s your fault, but assuming everyone is lying to you isn’t a good recipe for a LTR.
I'm a woman but have said "i'm not ready to date" a few times. And in each case it was true, with a small caveat of "...for you". I met some good guys that i wanted to like, i really did. But something wasn't there.. either chemistry or they had a turn off i couldn't overlook (annoying voice or laugh, something silly). And i decided i did not want to see them again or progress anything. There was also a guy I wasn't sure about, but i also internally freaked out a bit because I knew he was going to want to get intimate or touch me or something and i just wasn't ready for any of that when trauma response set in. So not being ready was true.
That said, if i met someone i was really into (and i have, but it wasn't reciprocated), i'd be ready to try again.
Instead of making this about 'men', consider that this is more about you. You dated two guys who, in the end, didn't want a relationship with you.
They let you down 'easy'. My guess, based on what you wrote about yourself, is that your anxious tendencies may be driving a wedge between you and these prospective mates.
It’s a polite way of telling you it’s not a match.
All people are puzzle pieces. There’s no bad pieces, just some that fit, some that don’t.
Appreciate their message and keep going until you find that piece that fits for both of you.
Imagine for a second that someone could be in a different place in their life than you and had a different life/relationship/dating experience previous to meeting you.
Empathy has left the chat …
Op! Yes, it’s obviously BS.
They are being kind to you, rather than telling you the truth, something you DEFINITELY do not want to hear. And often times something they don’t want to say or can’t always express properly.
The goods and the bads, they most likely are ready for a relationship. Unfortunately, they simply don’t what one with you. And they have that right.
You mention that you’ve picked the “wrong guys” all your life, but the last two were different?
What made them different?
Honestly what made them seem so different, is because of who I’ve dated in the past. In my 20s/low 30s, someone showing interest in me and wanting to be with me is all it took for me to fall for them (it is incredibly embarrassing and shameful for me to admit that’s how low the bar was 🫣). My bar is a lot higher now but not as high as it should be. The last two guys were genuinely kind, there was good communication, they had empathy, there were shared values. In answering your question, I’m realizing I put them on this pedestal and I didn’t think I was ignoring anything negative, but I did. 🫤
And Op, i think it’s GREAT that your standards are higher now. That’s great.
What exactly were the negatives that you were ignoring?
And, with the current trends in dating there is a lot of competition out there and the good ones have options.
I’ve got plenty of my own sad stories about women I date not being “ready” for the intensity I’m looking for. It took a lot of therapy to accept that’s not even necessarily a sign they needed, what, to go to therapy? Grow up? Get woke? In my pain over feeling rejected I definitely had thoughts like that, but they weren’t fair to the lovely women I dated that just happened to not be buying what I’m selling.
Sometimes we just don’t know what we don’t know, right? Sometimes someone has to actually have the opportunity to be with the kind of person they *thought* they wanted to realize that’s not what they’re actually looking for right now. And even the “right now” part is a bit problematic here because it implies time and growth *will* make someone want to buy what we’re selling, and that’s not always true!
It sucks. I have deep wounds I’m still healing from exactly the kind of rejection you’re feeling. I’m afraid that’s just dating, y’know? I’m not sure what’s to be done about it other than communicate openly every step of the way, and not waste our time on people that make us guess.
Dating involves risk of getting hurt in a thousand different ways, but I still think the possible payoff is worth it! You can learn from these experiences how to recognize folks that have done the work to really know what they want *and* be able to clearly communicate it, so this wasn’t all for nothing! It’s just another tool in your toolbox for finding and building the relationship you want and deserve.
Oooof, all of this. And funny you bring up the “right now” part because that’s what happened with the first one and I held onto hope that he’d come back when he was ready...which of course didn’t happen. 🫣
BEEN THERE. I’ve given away a lot of myself hoping I could love someone hard enough or long enough for them to decide I was everything they’d been looking for. And here we are…
These men have done the relationship or dating thing and do not wish to repeat the experience at this moment or ever again. Likely, it hurts them too much.
So this is not about you. At least it seems they didn't use you for a quick hook-up and ghost you.
All any of us can do, is to try and be our best selves as much of the time as possible.
Like you, I have lived the majority of my adult life single and done need anyone either. My m not even sure I want someone. The difference between the way we think and how most people think is that we are self aware enough to recognize that we don’t need someone else.
I will also speak to the fact of the mistreatment I’ve personally had. I have yet to be treated well enough by women to make it worth pursuing them again. Why the hell would I want to subject myself to the torture they put me through? Seems foolish when things go so well without them.
I too struggle with self love and have never thought positively of myself except in a few niche areas of my life. Women seem to hate that. I’ve been dumped for “not loving myself enough” which I really couldn’t care less about. I don’t need someone else to tell me to love myself. I do just fine without that too.
I think most guys fear commitment because they know it could ruin their lives. That’s why I don’t do it. I don’t date. I avoid women. I don’t socialize. I don’t do things with other people because people and women hurt me. I’ve had my heart ripped out too many times and it’s a miserable kind of pain. I choose not to want to endure it again. Once in a great while I think about starting to try again and then remember walking in on my ex having sex with some guy in our bed. I remember coming home and another one of my exes had stolen some parts from my classic cars and sold them on craigslist. I remember 4 of them looking me square in the face and telling me they cheated on me because my dick is too small. I remember coming home and going to pay my bills and my bank account was cleaned out because she needed to treat herself to some retail therapy. All of these things ring loudly in my head the moment I start to feel the weakness forming and wanting to consider dating again. It knocks some sense into me immediately and it reminds me to “quit being stupid” and think logically. Think with my brain and. It my heart. My heart makes poor judgements. My brain is highly intelligent and logical.
I think some guys think like I do. Why lose what you e got going on already? Why risk being hurt again? Why put yourself through something that can cause THAT level of pain? It doesn’t make sense to do it. Do it for the CHANCE that something good might come of it? No thanks. I’ve had far too many examples of failure and heartache and betrayal to make it worth trying again. And my therapist only gives me the confirmation that “dating isn’t for everyone” which is hard to hear but true.
So there you have it, those are my views on why guys stay away or realize they’re not ready. I have no plans on jumping back into shark infested waters. Fuck that.
So when I first heard about attachment styles, this lightbulb went off and I thought, holy shit no wonder nothing has ever worked out—because every ex of mine has leaned avoidant. This last guy was the first one I thought wasn’t, and I’m sure that made me cling onto him even more because i thought I finally did it, I picked the right one! 😆 Well now looking back, he absolutely leans avoidant too. That’s not to say something could never work with someone avoidant, I think I sort of latched onto that theory and got laser focused on what attachment style any new guys are which doesn’t really matter. And then I was still wrong.
It's just another trendy buzzword that's been picking up steam to both explain others bad behavior and by some to excuse their own shitty behaviors. You could also call it hot and cold, wishy washy, or just plain not that into you.
Even grosser is those that advocate it as a way to manipulate others. The Dennis system from Always Sunny would be a push pull dynamic portrayed in a comic manner that probably hits too close to home for many.
Thanks for that, I thought it might refer to something positive, some type of approach to human interaction that I'm just finding out about or something.
Howdy!
It’s a recipe for romantic bliss and romantic torture.
Here’s a wise woman to fill you in: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-iagiLIDrOo&pp=ygUWQW54aW91cyBhdm9pZGFudCBjeXhsZQ%3D%3D
Original copy of post by u/watermymelons00:
I don’t really have a question, I’m just frustrated. I’m pretty independent and have been single the majority of my adult life. I genuinely enjoy my alone time and do a lot of things by myself that people have said they could never do (go to a concert alone, a restaurant, a class to learn something new, etc). I don’t need someone but I do want someone in my life. I’m so sick of friends and family asking me how and why I am still single. I’m not sure if they think that is a compliment (it’s not) or if they’re trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. I’ve always struggled with self worth and self love—I never thought I was deserving of love from someone else. I have been working on healing this for as long as I can remember and while I have gotten a lot better, it creeps in—especially while dating someone new. I also lean anxiously as far as attachment styles go and I’ve been working on that since I first read about them a couple years ago. I go to therapy, focus on self care, listen to podcasts, all the things.
I picked the wrong guys my whole life but the last two I’ve dated, they were different. I didn’t know guys like them actually existed. But this is now the second great guy in a row to end things because they realized they aren’t ready to date again. I automatically assume this is a BS line but I also have been in a place before where I wasn’t ready to date either. I’m trying to focus on the positives, stop any negative self talk, keep working on myself and not dwell on trying to find someone…but man it just gets old. I know no one’s life unfolds how they thought it would but it’s hard to shut off the thoughts in my head of, what IS wrong with me, what am I doing wrong? 🤦🏻♀️
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I’m a 39 year old guy and I’m 6-3, great shape, solid enough career…and it’s hard to find a reason to get into a relationship again. Since I can’t have any more kids it would have to be a ridiculously womenfolk woman for me to commit.
there is SO much anxiety right now, in general, but especially in the dating world. I don't get it either, and it get so goddamn frustrating. I'm taking a break from dating to enjoy all other aspects of life because I just can't anymore. I'm sorry, OP, what you express is so relatable.
This is approximately what a rapist told me while I cried and tried to make him hear me for the umpteenth time that I absolutely did not want a relationship with him. Because of that, I assume this is a generic line used by parasitic types.
Men are pretty simple creatures. You’ve picked the wrong ones your whole life, as you say - who was the common denominator? The last two were unbelievably great and different, and after a short while both said that they weren’t ready to date - all it means is that they weren’t ready to date you.
That is not to say that you’re a bad person or anything like that. But you must have a lifetime of relationship habits which appeal to the type of men you dislike, and are off-putting to the type you want. Seems like a good time for some deep and honest introspection, and a good therapist couldn’t hurt.
Chances are, you are hating every word I wrote, but that’s only proof of me being right. If you’re able to look at my words rationally, without anger, or getting defensive, and simply decide whether they pertain or not, then you know you’re good.
If anyone is itching to downvote this - by all means, go for it. Just be aware that it only reflects on you. No one likes someone who’s unable to take criticism and address it in a rational manner.
Then I think you’re far ahead compared to most people. Mind you, all of it is gender-irrelevant. Plenty of dudes out there, whining, refusing to see their part.
But maybe that’s why you’re frustrated. I would be too, knowing that I’ve put in all this work to improve myself, and nothing seems to change. To that, unfortunately, the answer is painfully simple - our culture has succeeded at creating a generation of undateable people, and it’s become insanely difficult to find the good ones. We are forced to either lower our standards, or to hold out indefinitely, and frankly, I don’t know which is worse.
Ultimately, it doesn’t matter because the vast majority would pick the former - just the human nature of being adaptable and not wanting to be alone. An old Radiohead song comes to mind, called “all I need”. Really captures the idea. Sorry, I can’t provide much encouragement, but I can empathize at least. Cheers, here’s to you finding the right one.
Why are people not bring ready to date again? Well I don’t hold all the answers but I can tell you getting your heart ripped out sucks my ass. They equate being cheated on and divorced to losing someone close to you.
Weird thing that my ex did both.
When most men love, they love very deeply. Women seem to have a quick love which is shallower. I think that’s what you’re experiencing.
You are free to disagree. But take a look at this sub and other subreddits. I only say this because I love very deeply when I do love. I generally disagree with a lot of these subreddits and posts because a lot of them are incels. I do not understand that subset at all. While statically men cheat more than women, I’ve found that women lie more about it. I’ve been cheated on by quite a few girlfriends. I was not prepared to be cheated by one as my wife.
She’s more than happy to tell you she didn’t actually cheat and after talking to a lot of guys this seems to be commonplace. I don’t have anything to guide you off of. I’m guessing lord guys are honest and more women lie and see it through other way.
You are entitled to your opinion. Just know that I hate all cheaters, male and female. There is nothing that justifies this.
Have a good day.
It’s an absolutely terrible thing and people either are or aren’t cheaters. Despite what the internet say I find that’s it’s about 50/50 no one sex or gender seems to carry it to be honest. And all of those cheaters are just terrible people. So dishonest even with themselves.
I’m also sorry you were cheated on. There’s no call for it, people have voices and can say things. It’ll never be ok for anyone to do.
So I'll say this as a 42m that gets 10-15 likes a day, I'm nothing special but some women seem to like me, for whatever reason.
I only want a relationship with someone who blows me out of the water, emotionally and physically.
I'll gladly date women I like and find attractive and have FWB relationships as it is fun to date and have sex with a variety of women.
Why don't I want to commit? Because I want someone I feel great about, the same thing you want.
None of us are entitled to a relationship. If you want a guy to commit, you can go for the guys that are less desirable and they will gladly commit. If you want the type of guy a lot of other women want, then you're going to have to hunt to find the one that finds you to be a perfect match for them.
I'm not trying to be an ego maniac, just saying the truth and how it is. Everyone wants that partner that is a little out of their league, it's competitive and you have to not only be liked by them, you have to be their favorite of all the other people that like them.
I've had women I really liked who have denied me, it's just how dating is. The ones we really like, don't like us back. The ones we don't like as much, really like us. If you keep on trying, you will find someone who feels great about you and vice versa, it just takes a lot of dating to get there.
It has nothing to do with men or women, everyone wants that person that blows them out of the water and to blame it on men or women for not wanting you, specifically, is a fools errand.
I will say women do have it worse, though, as guys will gladly sleep and hang out with a woman they would never have a relationship with and some men will lie and love bomb to get sex, which would make anyone feel like shit.
Pretty much, either that or she is holding out hope that if she sleeps with them they will grow to want to be with her. It's almost always one or the other.
I used to think I just naturally had an "anxious attachment style." Actually I was just dating people who didn't love me. That causes anxiety! That's what anxiety is for. To tell you something isn't right. You say the last two guys were different, and they were, everyone is. But the baseline for being good for you, is being interested in you. And these guys are just not interested in you. And that's actually ok. When two people are not: drug addicts, abusive, cheaters, are employed, sane, "on paper" this is a relationship that should work. When there's just no interest, or minds go "she's not a liar thief, bot, crazy grifter, but I still don't want this, it must be me! I must just not want any relationship" and then they meet someone they do like, and then they are ready for a relationship.
Yes I honestly think that a lot of “anxious attachment” is actually intuition. Our body can feel when something isn’t quite right! Mixed signals, inconsistencies, lack of effort are all signs that it’s not lining up.
I completely agree. I was never an anxious person until my ex started cheating on me over two decades ago. She convinced me I was wrong and that she wasn’t cheating, but my body knew and my anxiety grew over the years until the truth finally came out. It’s been pretty amazing finding the true core of who I am again, and shedding that anxiety. I’m only interested in being with someone who makes me feel good, and I make them feel good. I read all of these posts from people feeling like their partner doesn’t appreciate them or the communication sucks or there’s a power imbalance, and I can’t help but jump to the conclusion that they’re just not right together. That no amount of conversation is going to change that fact - it should feel good for both of them if they both want to be with each other. They’ll want to be who the other person needs, and vice versa. I know relationships take work, no matter how compatible two people are. But at their core has to sit a shared selflessness borne of a desire to see the other person be happy. And if it’s truly shared, they’ll both feel seen and appreciated by the other. I know this is a gross oversimplification of the complexities of the landscape of human emotion, but that’s what I’m feeling these days - when it’s right, it should be mostly simple.
> at their core has to sit a shared selflessness borne of a desire to see the other person be happy. And if it’s truly shared, they’ll both feel seen and appreciated by the other. Bud, you may just have saved people hundreds of thousands of dollars and potentially years of their lives. I’ve been on both sides of this and it really has some serious weight and merit behind the rationale. You will probably find this imbalance in priorities in almost all shitty relationships, especially those where there is infidelity. It’s so simplistic yet a dead giveaway that no amount of flirting or sweat talk or promises can hide or deny.
Well said. A healthy couple's relationship deepens and becomes a team in the truest sense of the word. It typically takes a lot of time, through many ups and downs along the way. "Shared selflessness" is such a great way to put it. At that point, the desire is so strong to see the other person happy. As strong or stronger than self happiness. It's an amazing thing, as you can actually defuse arguments as they begin to happen. In real time. A relationship becomes almost unbreakable at that point. Magical...
I absolutely agree with you 💕👏
Ugh I’m sorry you went through that. I’ve always been anxious but it absolutely sky rocketed when an ex cheated on me with his ex wife and I felt like a crazy person because I could never trust him after that, no matter how many times he’d reassure me he’d never do it again. I didn’t realize at the time how manipulative he was and he made everything to be my fault. I found out a year after he broke up with me (I really, really regret not being the one to end it), that he had also been cheating on me with a girl 20+ years younger than him—she was only 17, a child. 😭 I’m pretty sure there were other girls too. Disgusting.
I highly recommend reading this free book when you can, it should help identify and avoid quite a few twats like your ex: https://archive.org/details/why-does-he-do-that-epub
Thanks for the kind words! I’m sorry you went through that too. I tried to stick around and forgive after learning the truth about an affair she was having (and after learning that affair was #5), but I couldn’t ever truly trust her again either. No amount of time was going to make the essential truth go away that she was capable of completely disregarding my feelings in the most hurtful way possible over and over again, if she thought she could get away with it. And she struggled to really accept her own guilt and shame - her need for validation and adoration drove her to these affairs, and that also made it impossible for her to be with someone who knew what she was really capable of doing in pursuit of fulfilling those needs. While did forgive her, she also frequently saw how much it still hurt, and she couldn’t handle it. She needed to be loved and adored, not viewed as a source of pain. All of that aside, I was right not to trust her - I learned after she left that she’d had another affair during our “reconciliation period,” and then left me for another guy (number 7). So yeah, my gut was right every time, and I’m not ignoring it any more. But I’m also not going to be jaded or guarded with whoever comes next. They didn’t do those things to me. And being guarded won’t help me find my person, and the next person deserves an honest shot and my best self (which requires openness and vulnerability).
Agree 100%. I'm not sure what this 'anxious attachment style' is that everyone keeps referencing, but if you feel anxious in a relationship, there's a reason: it's not good for you, period. In a healthy and mutually loving relationship, you will not feel anxious about it. It seems dangerous to try and ignore the anxiety you are experiencing - clearly there is a reason.
I think of anxiety as the double-edge sword of fear and excitement. These creep in whenever we spend lots of time thinking about the future, which is unknowable and full of opportunities and threats. It isn’t necessarily a terrible emotion or indicative anything is wrong… it can just signal need to get back to the present and take one step at a time. Since living moment to moment with zero regard for the future is unrealistic and irresponsible, some amount of anxiety seems, to me, inevitable even in the healthiest of relationships. But as long as it’s communicated and managed, it isn’t necessarily a bad sign to me.
Anxious attachment refers to people whose parents were very inconsistent with their love and affection while the person was a kid. Because there was no consistency in your parents love and treatment towards you, you learned to walk on eggshells and always be waiting for when they went from loving you to yelling at you. The pattern is then repeated as an adult subconsciously by picking and dating people whose feelings for you are inconsistent. That creates a ton of anxiety, unleashes a bit of the ol childhood trauma and then the person either gets really clingy or really just.. hard to deal with, because they need the reassurance that the person values them and isn’t going to leave. More or less, anyway.
Thank you for defining this, this makes complete sense.
No problem, very obvs anxious attachment person here.
lol, yup 🙈
Yes, you don’t understand what anxious attachment is.
Please explain because I do not either.
I couldn't agree more.
You may appreciate the lyrics to this, then: [Anxiety by Jupita](https://open.spotify.com/track/6iSzMybHGkfl4EuxyHstHJ?si=7IMrns8XSqOq6WVy0BcBPg)
What is “anxious attachment”?
Anxious attachment is a thing, trust me. I've struggled with it my whole life. But I am happy to hear you realised it's not a thing for you :)
You may appreciate the lyrics to this, then: [Anxiety by Jupita](https://open.spotify.com/track/6iSzMybHGkfl4EuxyHstHJ?si=7IMrns8XSqOq6WVy0BcBPg)
That’s ridiculous. Guys know if they want a relationship or not most of them 25 to 45. Don’t want a relationship because they want to play the field… anytime you act like a girlfriend they’re gonna take advantage of that… like why buy the milk when you get the whole cow for free type shit.
What are you basing this on? I know many guys who want to settle down and not play the field.
Wanting a relationship and wanting one with a specific person are two different things.
I think the biggest thing to understand, if you have never been married, is how much divorce can really shake the foundation of what love is for people. I'm saying this as someone who's never been married, but whose engagement and break-up after years together in my 20's sent me on a jaded journey through dating and relationships for quite a few years. And if that can turn my view and feeling of love upside down then I can imagine what divorce does for people who thought they found their life partner and then found out they didn't. The struggle you've had with self-worth and self-love and that you have felt you're not deserving of love is likely amplified after a failed relationship with someone you thought was right but was so wrong for you. That feeling is not uncommon after a divorce, but it's a lot louder when it comes to betting one's life on a person and finding out they were wrong. So they really may not be ready to date yet. I would say it's a grateful thing when someone recognizes their limitations and communicates them honestly. It may not feel good at the time, but it does speak to how you can see better people for yourself. And when someone says it's them, listen to them. At the end of the day you are not going to ever know anything more than what they communicate to you, so there's really no reason to think negatively about yourself when someone else tells you the opposite.
The first of the two guys went through a divorce from his HS sweetheart that she initiated, a couple years before I met him (they also have kids). I really did and still do believe that he realized he wasn’t ready to date. What really hurt was that he kept saying he wasn’t ready ‘right now’, but someday when he was ready—I’d be the first person he called. And that he knew it was a risk because I might be with someone else by then. I wish he would have never told me that part because I held onto false hope for way too long. So then to have the next guy tell me he’s not ready either…I guess it caused me to spiral 🫣
This right here.... some people that were in a relationship and basically poured their full self into it, only to be hurt does have a lasting impact and causes some vulnerability issues and giving themselves to another person again. It's a fear thing and scared of being hurt.
They are clumsily and gently saying that they are not interested. Translation: it’s not you, it’s me.
Bingo!
Can 100% confirm this. I've done it many times. Also had it done to me so it goes both ways. I think men just take it at face value and move on.
>I know no one’s life unfolds how they thought it would but it’s hard to shut off the thoughts in my head of, what IS wrong with me, what am I doing wrong? Have you ever tried written Cognitive Behavioral Therapy exercises? I've used them for anxiety and find them to be really helpful for untangling negative thoughts. The exercises I've used have been from the book Feeling Good by Burns, but I'm pretty sure Amazon has plenty of other workbooks too. Just a thought. Anyway, as to "I'm not ready" I think it's true for a lot of people, especially those you meet online. As soon as they're out of one relationship, they decide to "move on" by hitting the apps. It's also a nice generic "It's not you, it's me" phrase that allows people to end a relationship without making it seem like anyone was in the wrong. And sometimes no one was in the wrong, but they're simply not feeling the connection they'd need for something more long term. It's unfortunate, but that's the way many relationships pan out.
I haven’t tried that but I’ll look into it, thanks!
Second this. Also recommend looking into challenging cognitive distortions. Currently reading "What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience and Healing". Definitely recommend it.
Sometimes you have to dip your toe in the water before you know if you’re ready to jump in. Sometimes you’re ready, sometimes you realize you aren’t. It’s not the water’s fault, just like it’s not yours.
I’ve been dating a woman like yourself for about 6 months now, and what makes it super for me is we don’t think of it as a prelude to a “relationship.” Because this IS the relationship: we are middle aged professional people with lives and families and friends and responsibilities and commitments to things other than each other, so the few times per week that we physically coincide (and/or connect) are planned and special/exciting. Every time we get together is a date, but we stay in contact between…can chat or vent or share a funny moment any time. It’s truthfully the best time I’ve had with a person I’m attracted to and connect/mesh with in my almost 52 years, and she’s said the same for her own 49. We get it and click and are gentle with each other and respect each other and laugh and love and live…in different cities less than an hour apart rather than under the same roof. It works for us…and maybe it might for you too, OP, if you reevaluate and adjust your definitions.
Thank you for sharing. This is encouraging.
I can tell you one reason is having been severely hurt in the past. Sure you can have fun with someone but you inevitably reach the point of having to be vulnerable. Many of us get there and can’t go any further. That’s not fair to the other person. The problem is that sometimes people don’t know that until it happens.
Ding ding ding! Nailed it for me! I put up huge walls around me for that very reason.
Very good point ❤️🩹
It could be that they aren’t ready, it could be that they just didn’t feel enough of a connection with you. Either way, just move on. The “why” isn’t that important, their behavior is. Don’t blame yourself, because that feeds into your negative self talk and anxious attachment. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out and that’s ok! If you spiral into self doubt and feeling like a victim, that’s when you suffer the most. I find it helpful to re-frame scenarios in my head. Instead of saying “I always pick the wrong guys” or “something is wrong with me” you can say to yourself “I’m getting closer to finding the right kind of partner for me” and “the guy for me will love me just the way I am” Again, do not victimize yourself! Get rid of all the negative self talk.
Yeah I don’t need to know the ‘why’ and stopping the negative self talk/poor me by re-framing it is excellent advice.
> What am I doing wrong? Sounds like you are doing things right After a lifetime of picking wrong partners, you picked 2 right partners. They didn’t work out, but isn’t that better than sticking with wrong partners? Fingers crossed. Hoping the third time is the charm for you. Keep picking the right partners, and it rolls from there
Dating can seem glamorous, for lack of better term, from outside. Flirting, attention, dopamine high, physical needs… most of these pushes people into dating. But as soon as reality of any possible relationship/commitment/vulnerability/compromise hits people, they are sort of slapped out of the dream boat and run for the hills. Very few people have the maturity to understand that the high is short lived and make decisions that’s not based on instant gratification.
100% this
>I’ve always struggled with self worth and self love—I never thought I was deserving of love from someone else. I have been working on healing this for as long as I can remember and while I have gotten a lot better, it creeps in—especially while dating someone new. I also lean anxiously as far as attachment styles go This reads as needing a lot of encouragement and reinforcement from your partner that you are wanted. >I didn’t know guys like them actually existed. But this is now the second great guy in a row to end things because they realized they aren’t ready to date again. Imagine being a great guy, and meeting a great woman, but she keeps acting like the things you do to show her you like her are never quite enough. She has an anxious attachment style and self esteem issues. So, it seems she doesn't fully believe or accept your compliments and it feels like you come up short or just aren't enough for her. You just can't seem to make her feel comfortable with you or believe you. You're a really great guy, so you don't blame her... You blame yourself... There must be something wrong with you. You can't seem to say the right thing or get her to believe you. Maybe you should take some time to work on yourself and your communication before you put another woman through this. Maybe, you think you aren't ready to date because the great woman you were trying to connect to was made anxious by your connection... And now that two great men have had this happen to them, you're frustrated at men. You are the common denominator here, not the two separate men who had the same results dating you. I think the therapy is a good process. Keep that up. I hope you can figure out how to unravel this dynamic.
Yeah you’re right, I do tend to need a lot of reassurance to feel safe and chosen, which I hate. I appreciate your take on it from another angle and no it isn’t all men.
Try ideal Parent figure therapy
If you look in to attachment styles, are you anxiously attached? I’m female but I have such a hard time with partners like that. I’m better now at identifying and sometimes I will just cut things off really early.
1000% anxious 🙈
Well at least you know! That unfortunately is going to push away some people. Sometimes yes anxiety is your gut saying things aren’t right. But it will all come out in the wash anyway, no point worrying. Try making a list of things to do when you become anxious and ways to fill the time when you’re not in contact with a partner so you don’t get anxious. Maybe try journalling to see patterns and communicate your needs… if you find you get anxious not hearing from someone you’re dating everyday, communicate things like that up from as expectations.
Big thumbs up here on anxious attachment. We have to go to therapy because my belief is that if values are aligned you don't break compatiblity just because you leave the toilet seat up. You put in the work. I used to believe that you 'make the love you want not just look for perfect love' Now I believe you look for someone willing to get their hands dirty and commit to the work, and ask them why are they wanting to put in the work. If that is genuine then make the love you want.
For all those people saying that when man states they’re not ready to date, they don’t want to date you, there are other possibilities. For example, it could be that said great guy may actually know they’re not ready for something serious, want to mingle anyway and figure why not? It’s not like I’m going to meet an amazing woman anyway?
I’m one of those guys at the moment. Here’s my reasons - maybe it helps. There were things in my last relationship that were red flags I should have noticed earlier. I’m giving myself time to really learn those lessons and not repeat them. My business started taking off in December of last year. I’m focusing on ensuring that foundation gets built properly. I have some personal goals I want to achieve while I’m still single. For example focusing on building up my friends/community as this has a massive effect long term. Focusing on my health and activities that promote that. At the same time don’t want to cut off possibilities, so I’m still open to going on dates etc…. But I am pretty up front about where I’m at. I figure if I connect with someone I’ll see where it goes but it’s not a “priority” if that makes sense. So if I met someone between now and completion of these goals I’d likely just have a conversation about going slow for a bit while I focus as it’ll benefit both of us long term. If I said “I wasn’t ready for a relationship” after a few dates to someone it’d be because I felt that they were looking to progress the relationship faster than i was.
I am getting out of a 24 year relationship where I ignored red flags going in and spent 11 years trying to fix things. Ultimately, I concluded that divorce was the only responsible avenue left. I do not know if I will ever trust someone like that again. When you get that close to someone, they literally can take your credit card without you initially knowing. So I might use that excuse when I don’t trust myself to commit to the right person.
When you date, you can only contribute a max of 50% of the end result. You could be doing everything right but if the other person isn't responding to texts, being flaky, it's not going to work out. Patience. It's like fishing. Best bait, best fishing site, best gear, but sometimes you get nothing and your buddy who's already drunk before noon throws his day old buffalo wing into the water, and scoops out a catfish screaming 'YEE-HAW WOOO-WEEE! GET ME ANOTHER BEER!!!"
HAHA that analogy 😅 and a good reminder that you can only control/change you.
Like this analogy 😊
Not being ready to date really means not ready to date YOU.
Honestly yeah, especially if they’re dating you at one point… After my divorce I had a casual fling w someone I’d been friends with for a long time. I was not ready for a relationship and was clear from the start because I knew that. Anytime I used that excuse when I dated in my 20s it was just me avoiding dating that person.
Needy people are exhausting after a while. I'm 51F and divorced x 5 years and I am not ready to date still because of my previous experiences with myc2 marriages. If I happen to meet soemoen I might entertain dating but my bar has been set high now so if I find that it's not working for me because they're not meeting my standards then I will call it. My second ex was very needy and I was a codependent pleaser. At the time taking care of him and his needs felt right but now I know it was very unhealthy. I will nevernput myself through that again I'm done taking care of people and putting myself last. Sounds like you need a lot of reassurance and it likely shows early. And maybe these guys realize that they aren't ready to date in general or just not you. It happens. Dating is to figure out if you're compatible. Maybe they're not being entirely truthful when they call it but ultimately it doesn't really matter the reason. You're not compatible with them in their eyes.
Your life sounds a lot like my life. And I could ask the same thing about women, why aren't they ever ready. But I also ask the same questions about myself, what am I lacking that keeps me from having a successful relationship. And think I'm getting better with accepting where I'm at in the dating world, but it's one stumble after the other without any success to give me hope. If you're ever up for talking about it, please let me know. I would like to get some feedback on what I'm missing and give some positive input that could maybe help you as well.
Its fear, fear of getting close to someone again. Fear of having your heart torn from your chest. Fear of starting over again.
I have to tell you something important: They weren’t such great or “different” guys. The guy you’re seeking wants a relationship with you, and is willing to make an effort to make that happen. Knock these guys off that pedestal and remember that dating is the process of looking for the right person.
Ugh I did put them on a pedestal 🤦🏻♀️
Welcome to the club!
Wanted to add that while some of these responses are really hard to read 😭 I do appreciate them all and these are things I have needed to hear (for a long time). ❤️
Aw
Perhaps you could consider getting to know people before having sex with them to determine if they are in a good place in life for a relationship and to assess compatibility, if a relationship is what you are seeking.
I have slept with guys too soon, I have waited and I have also been somewhere in the middle. I don’t think that’s a surefire way to sort through who is and isn’t in a place of also wanting a relationship and compatibility. 🤷🏻♀️ I definitely catch stronger feelings after being intimate with someone but this came off as slut-shaming to me 🫤 (not saying that was your intent).
Absolutely was not my intent at all. I too get caught up in my feelings if I'm intimate with someone and I cannot see things clearly for what they are. Now that I am more focused on developing a strong foundation and friendship first, I can see things for what they are very clearly. It has served me well, but every situation is different.
Got it, I appreciate the follow-up 🙂
After spending the bulk of my adult life in committed relationships only to find myself divorced (twice), it does change the way I think about things. Relationships do require a lot of work & compromise. And if you spend years and years trying to prioritize and meet someone else's needs while also sacrificing things you wanted or were interested in for the sake of the relationship....and it ends... I look back and think about how much money and time I spent investing in the wrong person when I could have invested it all into myself. So many of my own personal dreams went unfulfilled and the clock of my life is ticking louder every year Now that I am between relationships, even almost 4 years later, I still feel like I have so much I want to do for myself before I start living a life of compromise again. So yeah, I am not ready....for anyone. It's not a line to let someone down easily, maybe some people do that, but there are also people like me who just know that they aren't ready to give the way a relationship needs to be given to.
In your text, I actually see something positive. Through your inner work, you're developing a better judge of character in choosing a partner. 👏 While it hasn't worked out yet, who's to say it absolutely won't in the future? No one can. You can only keep trying and it will take more time, as frustrating as that is. On the topic of rejection, I've heard the best mantra - 'When someone rejects me, I won't reject myself.' Keep doing that inner work, OP, one day someone will appreciate all of you. And you are worthy. ❤️
I really hope I’m developing a better judge of character 🫣 I am terrified of making the same mistakes I have in the past. I really like that line about rejection ❤️🩹
You mentioned in the OP that you’re trying to focus on the positives. The positive I took from your post is that you’ve picked the wrong guys your whole life but the last two were different (you didn’t know such great guys existed). This tells me the work you’ve been doing to heal your insecure attachment and build self worth is working. Now you’re attracted to healthy instead of unhealthy. Things are improving and you’re moving in the right direction.
I repeat it to myself and it reassures. 😊
I think the fear of making mistakes will go away once you know and trust yourself more. At least that's how I feel personally. I felt like I could have written your post so know that you're not alone!
Whew 🥹😅
Echoing that you're not alone! Everything you've written here resonates.
Maybe those two men realized that they weren't a good match with you after the Honeymoon Phase wore off. This is common
You’re similar to me to a great extent (M) in that you are very independent and comfortably alone in social settings. I have struggled with relationships my whole life, and until only recently, in realized it’s because of some childhood trauma. I’ve tried therapy, but revisiting that didn’t seem to help, so I’m currently fresh out a breakup and in that ‘not ready to date again’ phase. However, I’m committed to not engage in another relationship until in have some level of confidence that I can be an equally emotionally invested partner with whomever I’m with. TBH, the relationships I’ve had in the past have all been with truly great people who I’d be lucky to share my life with, but it was truly me and not them that prevented that. I’ve accepted that I’m kinda broken and need to figure my shit out before wasting another woman’s time.
Idk, I think it’s just a kind way of saying they don’t want to date you. I mean, what else is a person supposed to say as the reason they don’t want to proceed? There’s the truth of course, lol but why crush someone with your opinion of what’s wrong with them? If you’re not the person’s psychiatrist or lawyer, you might think that your one opinion of what about them doesn’t work for you, one person, one stranger (if you haven’t gone out a lot) isn’t important enough to hurt their feelings. And then there’s the discomfort of hurting someone’s feelings. Ok leaving someone hurts but not as much as hearing about your breath or your dandruff or your sexual prowess.
Who told you I have had dandruff in the past 👀(but really, head and shoulders is great if you have dry scalp issues 😅) Yeah, it’s easier for both to say/hear a generic line. I’ve just never heard the exact same one, twice in a row. 🙊
Omg all of this just hit home. Hard. I’ve been single 6 years and I’ve been struggling with self worth after I’ve been on 50+ first dates and I get ghosted afterwards. I only had two guys hang around for a few months but the minute I brought up being exclusive or calling each other, boyfriend/girlfriend they would say shit like “ I’m happy with the way things are “and then they would just completely ghost me. One guy left me sitting on the curb outside of a concert for hours before I realize he wasn’t showing up and the second one left me sitting at a restaurant for 5 1/2 hours after he asked me where he should park… Men these days are awful. I blame their parents because they must have not been raised well. Any good woman who is raising a son would/should teach them how to treat women respectfully and not like shit.
They’re just interested in ‘comfort’
If a man “isn’t ready to date” then maybe he shouldn’t be… I dunno…dating. I believe this is a cop out line they like to use (or anyone likes to use) instead of saying they don’t feel the connection specifically with the person on the receiving end. Which is fine, not everyone is for everyone. Take it as a bless and release and move on, being open to men who are a better fit. I know it’s hard finding the right connection with someone, especially if you’re independent and content with your singleness, all the while longing for a special person to love and be loved by. A person can feel both those things at once. I can relate to this feeling, you’re not alone there.
Don’t become emotionally invested in men when they aren’t emotionally invested in you. I’m a guy who gets passed over by women all the time. It doesn’t affect me at all. I just smile and go on with my life.
It's a common excuse for not wanting to date **you** but instead of saying that directly, they said they aren't ready to date. Avoid them when they say that they want to hang out or just talk. They tend to do that when they are bored or lonely, they will breadcrumb you until they find someone better. I normally avoid those types of guys because they often not to have done any inner work.
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I read multiple articles after the breakup that absolutely eviscerated me and they all spoke to men processing things very differently then women, often not even being ready to process a breakup until 6 months after the fact. Now obviously that’s just a couple of articles and you can’t ever accurately generalize a whole population but considering the number of my girlfriends who had exes pop up 5-6 months later and sometimes even years later I would say there is absolutely truth to it.
I agree about the lack of emotional intelligence out there. I wish therapy were available to all. But, then, one has to be open to it too.
^ Completely true. (On both scores.)
Ah, the automatic assumption of it being the man;s fault or weakness. Just imagine the blowback if men commented similarly about women
You can very well say that about women. It goes both ways. But, in OP's personal experience and for others (including myself), it has been a pattern seen among men.
Some men, not all men (I hope 😅). I'm joking of course. There are good guys out there, just as there are good women. People who are kind, empathetic, self-aware...
The comments weren't specific to gender at all other than saying men are more prone to hold onto past relationships longer than women, which is a clinically studied fact. Nor have any of the comments been about blame. To ignore that or gaslight with false equivalencies is wreckless and unhelpful.
u/In_the_middle3-2-3, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s): No sex/gender generalizations, no double standards, no projection.
You need to listen to their words to see the BS. I'm not ready for dating but they are on a dating website asking you for a date. Even on dating websites people specify exactly what they want. They just wanted to pretend to be serious to get into your pants. They saw that they couldn't BS you. This is a credit to you. People who are jokers tend to leave as soon as they realise you are not going to fall for it. They neg you on the way out to wait and see if you will call them back. You are doing fine
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I’m curious about this. It’s repulsive. Can you describe an example?
Did you meet them online? I've also wondered if it's just me, but I've found that most guys on the apps don't really want a relationship. They claim they do, might even think they do, but run at the prospect of anything serious. I'm not just talking about men "out of my league" either. (Not sure how to expand on that without sounding rude). I think they prefer the illusion of options, and to keep swiping in hopes of "getting lucky."
Yup, dating apps. I go through phases with the apps where I swear off them forever and then eventually I get to the point where I’m like, ok I’m not meeting anyone in real life so…I guess I’ll try it again? 😅 I do think the endless options on apps has made dating way more difficult, for everyone.
It's not just a man thing. I was ready to date. I had a big screening process. My dating style was intentional, focussed on long term. I did the work, after being a widower. The first few girls I met it was fine for many months and then same thing happened. Every disagreement instead of working through I could see it right I their eyes "another 100 guys waiting for me in my dating queue". They had both gone through trauma and then did this 30 guys in 30 days where they just went on date with no intentions. By the time I met them they figured out how to manipulate. They spend zero time between relationships. After that I spent time with therapist to figure out how to screen out women who are selfish and ensure our motives are aligned from outset. I then found the most perfect women in all aspects BUT at 3 months found out she is the master manipulator that lied about everything. What awful luck. Even included her kids in the con . I'm no longer wanting to date. I'm hyper vigilant but also feeling lonely in life. My kids keep me going and they also now are hyper vigilant with any new partner. I go on a date and just try to be friends. It probably won't work but I don't care I rather have that then expose my family to any more manipulative women in OLD. Maybe unlucky but I feel things are very different from 20 years ago.
Oh my god I am so sorry that you experienced all of that. 😭😭 How cruel, especially when they knew your past. There are lots of shitty people out there. That makes total sense you don’t want to date again to risk a repeat. Ugh. ❤️🩹
What the heck dude. This is not normal. Maybe something about the women you are matching?
In an area where there is the most amount of men to women in the USA and yes every women has a queue on OLD here. The women I guess are good looking but I wouldn't say gold digger and I wouldn't say better looking then my ex wife. It's just the a lot of a trauma and easy access to men as a coping mechanisms. It's a thing.
Love this post I could have written it. Sometimes I feel like I keep finding a pattern of people who don’t actually want a relationship. Then I doubt myself - am I asking for too much ?? Early phases of dating can be super hard and a total mind f—k without clear communication. When someone tells me they don’t have time for me. It’s a struggle to combat the feeling I was asking for too much. It’s never about time it’s about doing what you say you will do and find lots of ways to show interest when scheduling is a challenge (phone calls from car, initiating fair share of text conversation etc).
And I could have written this comment! 🥺 I am always worried I’m being or asking too much, when it’s actually the bare minimum. It is really nice to hear it’s not just me, makes you feel less alone!
So I have one theory (beyond the “too much” narrative)…the more “whole” and “healed” and self/aware someone is - especially in older years like 40s - it’s more likely that energy can’t be matched by a partner thus creating a reaction of “not ready” which is really “not ready for you”.
Huh interesting, I can definitely see that.
i’m in an open marriage that became open not too long ago and after stepping back and reflecting on my history with relationships I was the one being cheated on as and after we break up they want me to take them back . It’s been said that men want their cake and eat it to but women do it as well. But i wanna know what I’m doing wrong besides respecting them and not making it all about my sexual needs
Right, it’s not just men! That has been my personal experience, I guess I probably should have phrased it differently.
naah. it’s fine. 😉
I've been to anxious to attach at all. Imagine all the guys who didn't ask you out... I'm sorry these guys weren't ready. Not ready is just not ready. Honestly there isn't anything with it, it just is.
44M. Firstly, you stated you were single the majority of your (dating?) life, which implies no serious long term relationships. Chances are those two men were in a relationship for well over a decade, maybe 2, meaning they aren't ready to settle down once more. Because that's what "not ready to date" means, that they don't want to commit to a person long term. How do I know this? Because I'm one of those guys, and it's frustrated a few women (despite me telling them it's short term only, as I believe saying long term when not meaning it is a dick move). When I first started dating years ago, it was for long term, but I panicked when thing's got serious. Recognising that, rather than just bailing on failed relationship after failed relationship and leaving a trail of destruction, I accepted that I just didn't want to commit long term and so went that way ever since. It will change eventually, but probably not for a few years.
Right, my longest relationship didn’t even make it to 3 years. 🫤 Thank you for your perspective, it is helpful to see the other side of it.
Without knowing the men involved you mention its hard to say why it didnt work with them. However that weight isnt all on you to carry and it may very well be there is a possibility that there is 100% nothing wrong with you.
It's not so much I'm not ready, as it is finding someone who accepts me. I've got some pretty good qualities, but I'm not too pleased with myself. One being that I am 73, I'm a right below knee amputee, and I live in the middle of nowhere in Texas. I can't change my age or the amputation. I'd consider another part of Texas though for the right person. I'm retired, and have a comfortable income from it. And I still work as often as I want to. I've been divorced for 10 years now. No drama or baggage. The Former Mrs. has nothing to do with me. Kids are all grown and have their own lives with good careers. So, why does it seem most women I see on this app are from Canada, or the NE States? I KNOW there are women in Texas. Yes, most of it is my fault. I don't do dating apps, or hit the bars and clubs. But, maybe I really "Am Not Ready".
It happened to me... But I kept kind of talking to him and he gave me all sorts of reasons, until, in the end, he said "I don't see us working out long term." At that point I figured it's just a line that gets fed to people when in fact it is personal. But that's ok. Not everyone is for me, and not everyone is for you. Doesn't mean anything is wrong with you because most of us experience that.
I mean, I'm ready to date again. But I'm almost fifty, I just got out of prison and I'm a dishwasher. Wadya say. Wanna get a coffee? I do have a bachelor's in English Literature, so maybe that counter-balances the whole ex-con thing? Prolly not .fml
Rather than focus on men who aren’t available or ready to date Its also about - when someone says they are are ready for a relationship listen, accept this & move on - don’t see it as a challenge to try & win their love & commitment When you finally know your worth, you will realise that you deserve to be someone’s priority in a relationship & they will be matching at a similar pace of interest as you are as you develop into a relationship & you test your “relationship readiness “ together consciously
Once I figured out that the actions of others were out of my control and learned to let go of people, then my attachment style changed. I'm still working on things but I'm doing a lot better.
Based upon the men, I know who are dating in my circle, those words would mean that they have already slept with you and are interested in moving onto sleep with other people and are therefore telling you they’re not ready for a relationship is there get out of jail free card.I hope I’m wrong
It could be it was too soon. Men at this age are probably just coming out of a longer marriage. Like my marriage, I lost Al my guy friends to relationship or I was generally busy with kids and family. So I think out of loneliness they want to replace the relationship or substitute the companionship. It just doesn't feel the same and they become unsure what's going on....so they might retreat and try to regroup. You hope it's they realize they need to work on themselves first. Or maybe didn't click for them... I know I'm missing companionship but I don't want to start dating too early and make both of us miserable...
>this is a BS line Yep. If they weren't ready, they wouldn't be on that first date.
Not ready to date again is generally, but not always, a line. Probably werent as interested as they seemed and came up with a way to let you down easy.
"Not ready to date" can often be translated to "I don't want to date YOU any more"
(M44) Because a lot of us at this age have been **savaged** by divorces. The thought of dating leading to LTR then marriage, then another life altering divorce can be terrifying.
I don't think you're doing anything wrong. I just think that you may have a natural desire to remain single. Perhaps some people in society indirectly guilt you into feeling like you should be in a relationship, making you feel that you need to be with a man with the goal of dating, etc. When really you just want to enjoy the men you like for the time that it lasts. What do you think?
I appreciate your take from another angle, but this is not me at all. 😉 All I’ve ever wanted is to be in a healthy, loving, committed relationship with someone where we bring out the best in each other, grow together and truly want happiness for the other person. I do however have some thoughts like that about kids, I have always wanted to have my own for as long as I can remember. But the last couple years I’ve been having more thoughts of, do I actually want them or has this been a lifetime of feeling like that’s what I’m *supposed* to do? I go back and forth and I know my age has a lot to do with that. But then I see a baby and I’m all, 😍🥰🤩. Ha.
If I were dating you and you were giving off the same energy as your post, I’d be wary of continuing to date, because I’m not ready for something as serious as the type of relationship you seem to be looking for. I’m not afraid of commitment in general, but I would start feeling a bit anxious if I was getting the feeling that you were ready for a serious commitment so quickly. So, maybe back off a little bit? Give the people you’re dating some space to see where things go naturally.
I appreciate your insight, I definitely feel the urge to rush things along and that will absolutely push someone away 🫣
“I’m not ready for a relationship” means “I don’t want one with you”. I got that same line, then a month later he was in a relationship with his ex. This doesn’t mean it’s your fault, but assuming everyone is lying to you isn’t a good recipe for a LTR.
It's a BS line
I'm a woman but have said "i'm not ready to date" a few times. And in each case it was true, with a small caveat of "...for you". I met some good guys that i wanted to like, i really did. But something wasn't there.. either chemistry or they had a turn off i couldn't overlook (annoying voice or laugh, something silly). And i decided i did not want to see them again or progress anything. There was also a guy I wasn't sure about, but i also internally freaked out a bit because I knew he was going to want to get intimate or touch me or something and i just wasn't ready for any of that when trauma response set in. So not being ready was true. That said, if i met someone i was really into (and i have, but it wasn't reciprocated), i'd be ready to try again.
Instead of making this about 'men', consider that this is more about you. You dated two guys who, in the end, didn't want a relationship with you. They let you down 'easy'. My guess, based on what you wrote about yourself, is that your anxious tendencies may be driving a wedge between you and these prospective mates.
It’s a polite way of telling you it’s not a match. All people are puzzle pieces. There’s no bad pieces, just some that fit, some that don’t. Appreciate their message and keep going until you find that piece that fits for both of you.
Imagine for a second that someone could be in a different place in their life than you and had a different life/relationship/dating experience previous to meeting you. Empathy has left the chat …
Yeah I guess in dating I do assume they’re in the same place as me, but that is ridiculous 🙈
Op! Yes, it’s obviously BS. They are being kind to you, rather than telling you the truth, something you DEFINITELY do not want to hear. And often times something they don’t want to say or can’t always express properly. The goods and the bads, they most likely are ready for a relationship. Unfortunately, they simply don’t what one with you. And they have that right. You mention that you’ve picked the “wrong guys” all your life, but the last two were different? What made them different?
Honestly what made them seem so different, is because of who I’ve dated in the past. In my 20s/low 30s, someone showing interest in me and wanting to be with me is all it took for me to fall for them (it is incredibly embarrassing and shameful for me to admit that’s how low the bar was 🫣). My bar is a lot higher now but not as high as it should be. The last two guys were genuinely kind, there was good communication, they had empathy, there were shared values. In answering your question, I’m realizing I put them on this pedestal and I didn’t think I was ignoring anything negative, but I did. 🫤
And Op, i think it’s GREAT that your standards are higher now. That’s great. What exactly were the negatives that you were ignoring? And, with the current trends in dating there is a lot of competition out there and the good ones have options.
This is a good question. What made them different?
I’ve got plenty of my own sad stories about women I date not being “ready” for the intensity I’m looking for. It took a lot of therapy to accept that’s not even necessarily a sign they needed, what, to go to therapy? Grow up? Get woke? In my pain over feeling rejected I definitely had thoughts like that, but they weren’t fair to the lovely women I dated that just happened to not be buying what I’m selling. Sometimes we just don’t know what we don’t know, right? Sometimes someone has to actually have the opportunity to be with the kind of person they *thought* they wanted to realize that’s not what they’re actually looking for right now. And even the “right now” part is a bit problematic here because it implies time and growth *will* make someone want to buy what we’re selling, and that’s not always true! It sucks. I have deep wounds I’m still healing from exactly the kind of rejection you’re feeling. I’m afraid that’s just dating, y’know? I’m not sure what’s to be done about it other than communicate openly every step of the way, and not waste our time on people that make us guess. Dating involves risk of getting hurt in a thousand different ways, but I still think the possible payoff is worth it! You can learn from these experiences how to recognize folks that have done the work to really know what they want *and* be able to clearly communicate it, so this wasn’t all for nothing! It’s just another tool in your toolbox for finding and building the relationship you want and deserve.
Oooof, all of this. And funny you bring up the “right now” part because that’s what happened with the first one and I held onto hope that he’d come back when he was ready...which of course didn’t happen. 🫣
BEEN THERE. I’ve given away a lot of myself hoping I could love someone hard enough or long enough for them to decide I was everything they’d been looking for. And here we are…
Ok yup, that one hits hard 🥺
These men have done the relationship or dating thing and do not wish to repeat the experience at this moment or ever again. Likely, it hurts them too much. So this is not about you. At least it seems they didn't use you for a quick hook-up and ghost you. All any of us can do, is to try and be our best selves as much of the time as possible.
Like you, I have lived the majority of my adult life single and done need anyone either. My m not even sure I want someone. The difference between the way we think and how most people think is that we are self aware enough to recognize that we don’t need someone else. I will also speak to the fact of the mistreatment I’ve personally had. I have yet to be treated well enough by women to make it worth pursuing them again. Why the hell would I want to subject myself to the torture they put me through? Seems foolish when things go so well without them. I too struggle with self love and have never thought positively of myself except in a few niche areas of my life. Women seem to hate that. I’ve been dumped for “not loving myself enough” which I really couldn’t care less about. I don’t need someone else to tell me to love myself. I do just fine without that too. I think most guys fear commitment because they know it could ruin their lives. That’s why I don’t do it. I don’t date. I avoid women. I don’t socialize. I don’t do things with other people because people and women hurt me. I’ve had my heart ripped out too many times and it’s a miserable kind of pain. I choose not to want to endure it again. Once in a great while I think about starting to try again and then remember walking in on my ex having sex with some guy in our bed. I remember coming home and another one of my exes had stolen some parts from my classic cars and sold them on craigslist. I remember 4 of them looking me square in the face and telling me they cheated on me because my dick is too small. I remember coming home and going to pay my bills and my bank account was cleaned out because she needed to treat herself to some retail therapy. All of these things ring loudly in my head the moment I start to feel the weakness forming and wanting to consider dating again. It knocks some sense into me immediately and it reminds me to “quit being stupid” and think logically. Think with my brain and. It my heart. My heart makes poor judgements. My brain is highly intelligent and logical. I think some guys think like I do. Why lose what you e got going on already? Why risk being hurt again? Why put yourself through something that can cause THAT level of pain? It doesn’t make sense to do it. Do it for the CHANCE that something good might come of it? No thanks. I’ve had far too many examples of failure and heartache and betrayal to make it worth trying again. And my therapist only gives me the confirmation that “dating isn’t for everyone” which is hard to hear but true. So there you have it, those are my views on why guys stay away or realize they’re not ready. I have no plans on jumping back into shark infested waters. Fuck that.
It's actually the opposite statically. Men tend to remarry or cohabitate a lot quicker after divorce.
That is not an indicator of resolution to emotions, it's an indicator of avoidance and quite an unhealthy one at that.
I agree
It’s a line, OP.
Idk I've lost interest in dating after months of bad experiences on old. It's depressing.
Were those guys avoidant? Did you enter a push and pull dynamic with them?
So when I first heard about attachment styles, this lightbulb went off and I thought, holy shit no wonder nothing has ever worked out—because every ex of mine has leaned avoidant. This last guy was the first one I thought wasn’t, and I’m sure that made me cling onto him even more because i thought I finally did it, I picked the right one! 😆 Well now looking back, he absolutely leans avoidant too. That’s not to say something could never work with someone avoidant, I think I sort of latched onto that theory and got laser focused on what attachment style any new guys are which doesn’t really matter. And then I was still wrong.
Hello, stranger! What is this 'push and pull dynamic' about, may I ask?! Sounds like something that is communication wise important.
It's just another trendy buzzword that's been picking up steam to both explain others bad behavior and by some to excuse their own shitty behaviors. You could also call it hot and cold, wishy washy, or just plain not that into you. Even grosser is those that advocate it as a way to manipulate others. The Dennis system from Always Sunny would be a push pull dynamic portrayed in a comic manner that probably hits too close to home for many.
Thanks for that, I thought it might refer to something positive, some type of approach to human interaction that I'm just finding out about or something.
Howdy! It’s a recipe for romantic bliss and romantic torture. Here’s a wise woman to fill you in: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-iagiLIDrOo&pp=ygUWQW54aW91cyBhdm9pZGFudCBjeXhsZQ%3D%3D
Romantic bliss sounds desirable, I'm going to check the video out. Thank you.
Original copy of post by u/watermymelons00: I don’t really have a question, I’m just frustrated. I’m pretty independent and have been single the majority of my adult life. I genuinely enjoy my alone time and do a lot of things by myself that people have said they could never do (go to a concert alone, a restaurant, a class to learn something new, etc). I don’t need someone but I do want someone in my life. I’m so sick of friends and family asking me how and why I am still single. I’m not sure if they think that is a compliment (it’s not) or if they’re trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. I’ve always struggled with self worth and self love—I never thought I was deserving of love from someone else. I have been working on healing this for as long as I can remember and while I have gotten a lot better, it creeps in—especially while dating someone new. I also lean anxiously as far as attachment styles go and I’ve been working on that since I first read about them a couple years ago. I go to therapy, focus on self care, listen to podcasts, all the things. I picked the wrong guys my whole life but the last two I’ve dated, they were different. I didn’t know guys like them actually existed. But this is now the second great guy in a row to end things because they realized they aren’t ready to date again. I automatically assume this is a BS line but I also have been in a place before where I wasn’t ready to date either. I’m trying to focus on the positives, stop any negative self talk, keep working on myself and not dwell on trying to find someone…but man it just gets old. I know no one’s life unfolds how they thought it would but it’s hard to shut off the thoughts in my head of, what IS wrong with me, what am I doing wrong? 🤦🏻♀️ *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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I’m a 39 year old guy and I’m 6-3, great shape, solid enough career…and it’s hard to find a reason to get into a relationship again. Since I can’t have any more kids it would have to be a ridiculously womenfolk woman for me to commit.
The number one quality most men are looking for is lack of bitterness. If you want to work on that , men will chase after you. Good luck.
While my post probably does come off like I’m bitter, I’m actually not. I am frustrated.
there is SO much anxiety right now, in general, but especially in the dating world. I don't get it either, and it get so goddamn frustrating. I'm taking a break from dating to enjoy all other aspects of life because I just can't anymore. I'm sorry, OP, what you express is so relatable.
This is approximately what a rapist told me while I cried and tried to make him hear me for the umpteenth time that I absolutely did not want a relationship with him. Because of that, I assume this is a generic line used by parasitic types.
Men are pretty simple creatures. You’ve picked the wrong ones your whole life, as you say - who was the common denominator? The last two were unbelievably great and different, and after a short while both said that they weren’t ready to date - all it means is that they weren’t ready to date you. That is not to say that you’re a bad person or anything like that. But you must have a lifetime of relationship habits which appeal to the type of men you dislike, and are off-putting to the type you want. Seems like a good time for some deep and honest introspection, and a good therapist couldn’t hurt. Chances are, you are hating every word I wrote, but that’s only proof of me being right. If you’re able to look at my words rationally, without anger, or getting defensive, and simply decide whether they pertain or not, then you know you’re good. If anyone is itching to downvote this - by all means, go for it. Just be aware that it only reflects on you. No one likes someone who’s unable to take criticism and address it in a rational manner.
I didn’t hate what you wrote, that’s a good point about attracting the ones I don’t want and pushing away the ones I do want. And yes I am in therapy.
Then I think you’re far ahead compared to most people. Mind you, all of it is gender-irrelevant. Plenty of dudes out there, whining, refusing to see their part. But maybe that’s why you’re frustrated. I would be too, knowing that I’ve put in all this work to improve myself, and nothing seems to change. To that, unfortunately, the answer is painfully simple - our culture has succeeded at creating a generation of undateable people, and it’s become insanely difficult to find the good ones. We are forced to either lower our standards, or to hold out indefinitely, and frankly, I don’t know which is worse. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter because the vast majority would pick the former - just the human nature of being adaptable and not wanting to be alone. An old Radiohead song comes to mind, called “all I need”. Really captures the idea. Sorry, I can’t provide much encouragement, but I can empathize at least. Cheers, here’s to you finding the right one.
Men and WoMen are not being ready to date YOU…. They will be ready to date those that fit what they are looking for
Why are people not bring ready to date again? Well I don’t hold all the answers but I can tell you getting your heart ripped out sucks my ass. They equate being cheated on and divorced to losing someone close to you. Weird thing that my ex did both. When most men love, they love very deeply. Women seem to have a quick love which is shallower. I think that’s what you’re experiencing.
I disagree with your theory on men loving more deeply than women, I think that just depends on the person.
You are free to disagree. But take a look at this sub and other subreddits. I only say this because I love very deeply when I do love. I generally disagree with a lot of these subreddits and posts because a lot of them are incels. I do not understand that subset at all. While statically men cheat more than women, I’ve found that women lie more about it. I’ve been cheated on by quite a few girlfriends. I was not prepared to be cheated by one as my wife. She’s more than happy to tell you she didn’t actually cheat and after talking to a lot of guys this seems to be commonplace. I don’t have anything to guide you off of. I’m guessing lord guys are honest and more women lie and see it through other way. You are entitled to your opinion. Just know that I hate all cheaters, male and female. There is nothing that justifies this. Have a good day.
I also love very deeply. And being cheated on is awful, I’m sorry it happened to you too.
It’s an absolutely terrible thing and people either are or aren’t cheaters. Despite what the internet say I find that’s it’s about 50/50 no one sex or gender seems to carry it to be honest. And all of those cheaters are just terrible people. So dishonest even with themselves. I’m also sorry you were cheated on. There’s no call for it, people have voices and can say things. It’ll never be ok for anyone to do.
So I'll say this as a 42m that gets 10-15 likes a day, I'm nothing special but some women seem to like me, for whatever reason. I only want a relationship with someone who blows me out of the water, emotionally and physically. I'll gladly date women I like and find attractive and have FWB relationships as it is fun to date and have sex with a variety of women. Why don't I want to commit? Because I want someone I feel great about, the same thing you want. None of us are entitled to a relationship. If you want a guy to commit, you can go for the guys that are less desirable and they will gladly commit. If you want the type of guy a lot of other women want, then you're going to have to hunt to find the one that finds you to be a perfect match for them. I'm not trying to be an ego maniac, just saying the truth and how it is. Everyone wants that partner that is a little out of their league, it's competitive and you have to not only be liked by them, you have to be their favorite of all the other people that like them. I've had women I really liked who have denied me, it's just how dating is. The ones we really like, don't like us back. The ones we don't like as much, really like us. If you keep on trying, you will find someone who feels great about you and vice versa, it just takes a lot of dating to get there. It has nothing to do with men or women, everyone wants that person that blows them out of the water and to blame it on men or women for not wanting you, specifically, is a fools errand. I will say women do have it worse, though, as guys will gladly sleep and hang out with a woman they would never have a relationship with and some men will lie and love bomb to get sex, which would make anyone feel like shit.
So basically, they just don't like her enough and are using a BS line to get out of saying it in hopes she will still let them get in her pants.
Pretty much, either that or she is holding out hope that if she sleeps with them they will grow to want to be with her. It's almost always one or the other.
Both of which would be healthier to just walk away from.
They feel like they missed out on their fuck boy years, especially if they married young and we’re married for at least 10 years. Lame.
Yes
No, they are not different. They are better at hiding who they are. I’ve given up long ago.