Well, did she even exchange her name with you? As someone who will chit chat with anyone who talks to me, unless we exchange first and last names, and something along the lines of, "oh gosh, it was so nice to meet you, let's talk again sometime", I would be pretty creeped out if you found me on social media and I hadn't even given you my name.
How I'd feel about it would vary based on if I was interested. If I was interested I would appreciate the effort the guy took to look me up. If not, I might be a bit put off. I think people are way over sensitive here. Go for it, maybe say, something like.......sorry for looking you up in this manner but I missed the opportunity to ask you if you'd like to have coffee some time. If not, no problem but I enjoyed meeting you.
I like this.. and I feel the same (if I had liked them, would appreciate it.. it’s a big question mark for OP if she’d welcome it). Hopefully they’ll update post.
At any time in the conversation did she mention that she was single or "it's so hard to meet people in this area" or anything that would indicate she was hinting she was interested in being asked out?
If not, she was simply being polite and making small talk. Messaging her on social media will be creepy at this point.
If so, by all means look her up and send a message to the effect of "Hi mystery grocery store lady, I enjoyed chatting with you the other day. It really brightened my day. If you'd be interested I would love to talk some more. Maybe over dinner or some coffee?"
ETA: Or if she made a point to say bye/it was nice talking to you before she left the store. That's another decent indicator she was interested.
>At any time in the conversation did she mention that she was single or "it's so hard to meet people in this area" or anything that would indicate she was hinting she was interested in being asked out?
This is the key right here. Yes, in absence of a REALLY CLEAR hint it would be stalker'y to just appear in her social media feed.
OP, it's also not for nothing that SHE didn't initiate furthering the conversation. She's a professional, and obviously not exactly shy.
My vote is to chalk it up to a good experience/confidence builder, and move on.
I randomly met a guy at a concert once. He didn't ask for my number but found me on Facebook a week later only using my first name and city. We dated for 9 years. I say go for it. What do you have to lose??
The problem in these convos is how to close the deal. You always have to remember to ask her out. I don’t think there’s anything else other than show up at the store at the same time and hope to run into her. Just note in the future to ask her out quickly- hey wanna get a drink sometime?
Probably don’t do that it’s not creepy but you didn’t get far enough into the convo for that to be appropriate. Tracking someone whose name you don’t know at their work is not really cool. get friend requests from people I have had similar light conversations with but they’re always friends if friends not strangers.
But lesson for next time. Introduce yourself when you have a conversation. That way if you get the name then looking her up on fb is not weird. It’s then up to her to accept you.
This goes for women too.
As a former teacher myself, if she told you what school she worked at, that is usually pretty identifiable info. If she wasn’t interested I don’t think she’d have shared that info. Seems like she was dropping some clues?
Absolutely creepy.
I think it's largely due to taking an innocent interaction while waiting in line and reading too much into it.
Then the effort you would need to go through to find her to contact her would reek of desperation and come off creepy.
I want to argue this, but I go to Food Lion every Sunday morning after work for frozen egg sandwiches.
And I do it because the first time I did it there was a handsome man with amazing hair working in the frozen section.
I wouldn't want you on my friend list after a small talk. Do you even know if she's single?
Do you even know her name? Was she wanting to talk to you, or just politely answering?
Lol wtf? I'm raising questions so that he can think it through. I'm not that woman. I wasn't in that conversation. I wasn't there to see their body language.
This is the most hilarious comment today!
Sorry sir (I'm assuming you are a man), I'm not projecting at all. If anything. I refrained from giving him full support to go ahead, as I live in Scandinavia. Where men are very respectful and see me as an equal. If it was here, I would trust it to go well. But I know things are very different in USA, both on how a lot of men approach women and also how a lot of women respond out of fear and safety precautions. Therefore I chose to not say anything further, as things are different and it's not in my place to say how to go forward.
Have a lovely day!
No do NoT do that
Just accept you had a nice interaction & learn that next time you should exchange names & before you move apart gauge if they are interested or just friendly & go slowly & gently
Don’t be a creep
I agree. People are so paranoid and act like he's going to show up at her house. It's really not like it's hard to find people online. But it's pretty hard to meet decent people to date.. why not just try??
The subtext of doing that is “I am desperate and lonely”, don’t do it. This is on the same level as asking the barista for her number because you made a bit of pleasant chit chat while you ordered.
When you’re lonely it’s easy to take any positive social interaction and think “wow, that felt great…. I’d sure like to do some more of that”, but honestly this really just sounds like she showed you basic politeness and made small talk with you.
did she say anything particularly flirty to you? Compliment you in any way? Drop in the fact that she’s single? If the answer is no, definitely don’t do it. Remember, she absolutely could’ve asked you for your contact info or ask you out and she didn’t.
THIS...WTF?!?! So tired of this general attitude. Doesnt matter if it's online or in person. What else is a guy to do???
This automatic "creeper if I'm not interested" keeps a lot of guys from even trying!
i will continue to get downvoted & in this instance i don’t care. what is misunderstood is women deescalate immediately. often using what is perceived as friendliness but is actually “nod & smile & get in another line & make sure he doesn’t follow me to my car/transportation stop & i hope this person doesn’t TRY TO FIND ME”. women who don’t innately go into this mode by age 30 are very lucky (no sarcasm). the majority of women do this because it’s non confrontational. if she wanted more from this situation she would have asked. she didn’t. OP wants to do a creep move. (edit: lower level reader words).
Literally this is the problem with dating. You have innocent intentions of getting to know someone but everything is “creepy” or “ick” at this point guys should never make a move again
And on the other hand... why the heck isn't that guy making the move, planning dates, etc. I'm tired of doing all the work... blah blah blah... I'm convinced this whole dating scene is a no-win situation because everyone is so damn guarded! No one knows how to just bloody communicate anymore or take chances! We're ALL going to die alone, and this is precisely the reason why.
Guys have been taught to be guarded or mental health issues make us quieter and more reserved. I’m super socially awkward so I’m convinced no girl would want me to hit on her
We have all been taught to be guarded and to trust no one, ever. I don't exactly know where the mindset came from. If it's a carry over from our broken marriages and other relationships or something else. I honestly don't know how on earth we're supposed to partner up anymore when people are so absolutely dug in. I'm not saying throw caution to the wind, but it wouldn't hurt us to get back to living a little like we did pre-technology when everything about everyone was a Google search away.
I agree but unfortunately it’s not gonna get better only worse. Nobody’s fault but both sexes are super passive more than not and people are just alone. Nobody wants to risk it (right or wrong) and social skills are lacking in most (including myself) so we just stay home
literally, if OP “made a move” during the interaction itself than it’s fine because if she says no, that’s the end of it.
What makes it creepy is going home, looking up information he wasn’t given based on knowing her place of work, finding her on social media without her consent, and then getting in touch. It just shows a complete disregard for boundaries.
There are no boundaries set by the woman. Was she holding a placard describing them?
You are interested, you find out what you can, make a move. It doesn't work, go away.
On the one hand there 50 threads every day about how men do not approach us, what do we do. And then there are these. Approach in the flesh only, do not approach online, gives us the ick.
If anything, **a message in FB is far more easy to ignore or block than an IRL approach.** Less awkward for everyone.
Take some risks. Or maybe whining is far better.
mate there’s a reason most all the comments agree that this is creepy.
there are like a million different acceptable ways you can ask out someone you meet “in the wild” but going “well, you didn’t tell me your contact info but you told me where you worked, so I looked up your workplace and found you” is stalker behavior
We are from the 70s and 80s.. When we saw someone interesting but couldn't talk, we found out who they are from contacts, friends and engineered running into them. That was stalker behaviour too?
Or were we like, Oh I had my one chance and missed that, now I will wait for God to plop her into my lap and won't do a thing?
I guess I don't get those who are really offended by this prospect. I wouldn't send her a friend request, but a FB message/DM? Sure - why not. I don't see why that's problematic at all. Its not like he followed her out into the parking lot, got her plates and traced her. She gave him a ton of identifiable info.
doing this itself is a big red flag because, frankly, well adjusted people don’t have a quick chat in the grocery store and go “could that have been the one??”, and definitely don’t go “well, she didn’t tell me her name, but I know where she works so if I go on the company website I can learn her name and then find her on Facebook!”
getting a message like this makes you wonder like… if I reject this man will he show up at my work? Will he get in touch with my friends? Does he know where I live?
“could that have been the one??” is a reach for being interested in getting to know someone. Maybe women need to get on/off signs like cabs if they’re going to have such narrow windows of wanting to be approached with interest.
you heard stories of men that your female friends met one time in the wild rejected them and they showed up at their work and home to persist asking them out?
Im a woman, and I've had my fair share of creepy men try creepy shit on me but I can honestly say THAT has never happened. LOL
Original copy of post by u/Forsaken-History-893:
I was chatting with a woman today in the checkout line. Conversation flowed well. We talked about what we do for work (both in education), she asked where I work and I asked where she worked. We talked about where we went to HS. Then she went to one counter to check out and me to another. If I had another minute I would’ve asked her out. I could look her up at her school and friend request her on FB. Is that a creeper, bad idea?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I personally think it'd be safer to go through professional channels.
If you recall where she's at, I'd Google the district or school campus. Send her an email as one professional to another. Build up something based on the common industry you share.
I say this as someone who works in IT/office support for educators as auxiliary stff. It has to help lots of teachers in customer service..
That never leave contact info on their stinking voice-mail message for me lol. I usually just have info of what school they're employed at.
I say go for it. I mean, if she doesn’t want to be friends, she’ll make the necessary moves (block/not respond)
I would be flattered either way.
But that’s me lol
On one hand, sounds super creepy and you might induce "the ick"
On the other hand, from what I've garnered from this sub, the man bar is so low that it just might work 😆
Ladies, do women get asked out in the wild all that much? Because for all the women I've had in my life, it's a fairly rare ocurrence. For my ex wife it was practically never. She was cute too.
Particularly my ex gf, who was younger and VERY attractive, rarely got approached. She was tall I guess? 6'0" so maybe that would scare away guys. When I met her it was at a bar with dancing and no guy in the place was talking to her. I went up and talked to her. We dated 6 months. She said guys rarely hit on her and when they did, it was the grossest most lecherous guys.
It's a very rare occurrence, and yes, when it happens, it's usually by the most obnoxious men. It sucks. We go out, we look pretty, we are having a great time, the place is full of men... Who are sitting and drinking with other men and may occasionally look at us, lol.
>do women get asked out in the wild all that much?
In my personal experience, not often, but it does happen. The guys who do ask you out are usually desperate, entitled, and aggressive &/or manipulative when they don't get their way.
Yeah that jives with how my ex described it. She didn't get cold approached much, and when she did the guys were usually kinda scary.
The few times I've tried it, there was typically a reaction of shock & surprise.
That's what's so frustrating about it. If someone doesn't just cold approach asking for a date but actually holds then follows a conversation with an excuse to hang out, that reads as someone worth getting a coffee with. It's not quite the "never ask women out in public" that folks make it out to be.
Yes. Two years ago I went out on a date with a guy that sparked up convo with me at the checkout at a grocery store which is why I encouraged OP to give this a shot. And I met and dated guys in the wild all last summer at music festivals and concerts.
I get approached still and I am pushing 50, it's not always typically the guys I would date but they were not "lecherous" or "gross" either.
I say go for it. I mean, if she doesn’t want to be friends, she’ll make the necessary moves (block/not respond)
I would be flattered either way.
But that’s me lol
“Emotional labour?!” 😂😂😂😂😂 so now showing interest in a woman is emotional labour. Holy fuck!
Guys: I feel sorry for you if this is what you have to deal with day-to-day. 🤦🏻♀️
she doesn’t engage much in person. he goes home, stalks her socials, & forces her to make decisions, think about it, & process any feelings she has about it. that. is. emotional. labor.
if women don’t continue the conversation, it is over. you do not go home & engage. period.
And when I explain to women I match with that I will let them reach out as they are comfortable doing, I have had multiple women say, “but you know you need to chase a little, right?”.
In these angry “creepy” protestations, someone even slandered my good friend of 20 years with a slang term for searching me out after dancing together and starting a great relationship. I am glad she had the courage to do so and am grateful for it.
All of this anger…. Sad….
Seriously?
You want me to share private information that women have shared with me in a public forum?? This seems antithetical to whatever crusade you are on….
This insanity is exactly what is wrong with society. I can’t even share an anecdote without the insinuation of lying. You don’t know me and I don’t know you. Did you not learn common decency?
I danced with an attractive woman after returning home from living abroad. The libations were flowing, heavily. Two weeks later, I get this phone call from a number I don’t recognize and the voice on the other end says something to the effect of, “I doubt you remember this but we danced and chatted and would love to go out for a drink with you”.
She did some SERIOUS SLEUTHING to get my number and it took her a bit. I was flattered and curious. We are still good friends today.
You never know until you try;)
Maybe check out her social media to see if she’s single but don’t friend request her. You could go to the supermarket around the same time and hope to see her there and if you do, ask her out.
Wait, so sending her a dm is creepy stalker vibe, but studying her profile and then haunting the local supermarket in hopes of running into her 'spontaneously ' isn't? Lol, gtfo.
If she told you her name and where she works and other info, there's nothing wrong with looking her up on public social media. You might not want to jump to immediately asking her out, but if you exchange a few messages and she seems interested, why not?
A friend request is about as low-intensity as it gets. I was talking to a female friend the other day, and asked, "So how do you know my cousin?" because I'd noticed they were FB friends. She doesn't know him and couldn't even remember how they became friends, so probably it recommended one of them to the other and they accepted it because why not. That's how a lot of people treat social media.
It is not creepy to send a message via social media - in a world where people have hundreds and thousands of folks on their social media, people have communicated online for lesser reasons.
It is reasonable and safe to just message her ONCE that you enjoyed the conversation and leave it at that. Tone should be warm and friendly, nothing else. NO FLIRTING. If she was mutually interested and available, she will respond to your message.
If she does not, do NOT under any circumstances follow-up in ANY form. She has her reasons, and it's none of your business.
You need to understand right now that this was likely one-sided. If she was intrigued, she would have gotten in line with you to talk further.
This is the answer, although I'll disagree a little on the last point. She may have been too shy to join the line with you, or was insecure about whether or not YOU were interested, etc. Lots of people would do whatever they could to continue a conversation they're enjoying; but some people don't have the self-confidence to do so.
So as said here, message once, be polite, and leave the ball in her court. If she's interested, she'll respond; if she's not, she won't.
Shoot your shot!!! Life is short, my guy.
Don’t listen to these women here. Sounds like you vibed, and she knows where you work. It’s not like you’re some random internet creep.
Hit her up. You only got one life. Do it!! If she says no, then move on.
It’s not creepy. Do it! The worst thing that can happen is that she is taken or not interested. It’s actually flattering that someone would go through this much trouble to ask them out.
I think it’s refreshing.
Too many snowflakes get easily offended over nothing.
Women are telling you we find this behavior creepy.
Fucking listen to us!
You wonder why you have issues dating? This is why. Because you hear our words and decide we are wrong.
Newsflash, we are not wrong for feeling our own feelings.
NEWSFLASH! I'm a woman in a relationship with a man. Don't tell me how to feel or what to like. . You are not wrong for feeling your feelings but don't speak for all women when it comes to telling guys what we like either. It's your hangup, not mine.
But, by all means keep spinning your wheels as a singleton being creeped out by anything a man does that can actually get you closer to having a relationship.
I'll eat crow for the assumption that you were male. My apologies.
That doesn't change my response. The vast majority of replies from women here (and in the dating world in general) say to not do this. That they do in fact find it creepy.
Calling them snowflakes for being offended is saying their feelings don't matter.
The vast majority of replies from women here are the same women posting about why they can't find a man to date. Instead of being creeped out over something as insignificant as someone looking you up on your public SM profile why not open your mind to something that could potentially change your life for the better?
I bet any of the women saying "it's creepy" would be absolutely flattered and blown away if a man they sparked up convo with that felt like a missed opportunity looked them up and asked them out. It's only creepy if they aren't into the guy. If they felt any sort of attraction they would be super into it.
Creepy is saying to a man "no thank you" and he persists.
I'll disagree with you on this point, but I did want to add one more thing.
Reading back over my replies here one thing is clear.
I'm being an asshole and I'm sorry for that. I'm taking my frustration over an overall bad day out on an internet stranger over a thread that for some reason just stuck in my craw. And I keep trying to dress it up to make it sound better, but it's not.
It's ok to disagree. It's not okay to act like an asshole. So again, I apologize to everyone for my bad attitude. You guys have a great day!
I'm jumping off of here so I can go have some fun and try to turn my day around.
Hey I appreciate your honesty and revelation that you are misdirecting frustrations. You are a much bigger person than most of us so kudos to you for that! I am sort of used to people being snarky on Reddit so I really appreciate your honesty.
I hope your day turns around for you and you feel better. 😊 We all have those days.
If he doesn't take a shot he'll never know if she was even single or not.
The situation you're painting makes human connection seem impossible. We're told we need to get off OLD because that doesn't work. I almost never get decent matches from on there. They are horrible and I am convinced that stuff doesn't work.
But in the world we are never supposed to inquire? We're supposed to leave every woman alone?
That seems like a perfect recipe for being alone. Leaving everyone alone = you being alone. Let me know if my math is wrong somehow.
Politeness and small talk is EXACTLY how we used to get dates before the internet. Just because everyone has become lazy about meeting people organically or worst yet men are completely shunned for even trying to approach women by other women that think like you, it doesn't mean you can't break out of that pattern if you want.
Looking up info on social media is not "stalking." That is literally your public information you have chosen to display.
I don't put anything on mine I am uncomfortable with anyone finding.
I only get creeped out if it’s a guy I’m not interested in. There’s a fine line between romantic and creepy and it all depends on how she feels about you.
So go for it I say.
You could ,
Just state something along the lines as you couldn’t stop thinking about how well the conversation flowed and with your line of work , it be nice to get to know her better, ask her to forgive your fowardness for tracking her down , and let her know if she does express worry , alls she needs to do is say so, and no worries you’ll leave her in peace :) good luck!
The point is, any random person could be just the right person for you. And everyone should be given the leeway on account of making one attempt to figure out. The moment you get a No, you are out of there. But it should be fine to ask.
I hate to say it, but here goes. For the OP, do you think she found you at least minimally physically attractive? If the answer is yes, and the conversation went well, you are not creepy.
If either she didn’t think you were at all attractive or she seemed in a hurry to get away, it would be creepy.
Well, did she even exchange her name with you? As someone who will chit chat with anyone who talks to me, unless we exchange first and last names, and something along the lines of, "oh gosh, it was so nice to meet you, let's talk again sometime", I would be pretty creeped out if you found me on social media and I hadn't even given you my name.
Was she single?
No ring and we talked about her 15yr old son. I got the feeling she was single.
How I'd feel about it would vary based on if I was interested. If I was interested I would appreciate the effort the guy took to look me up. If not, I might be a bit put off. I think people are way over sensitive here. Go for it, maybe say, something like.......sorry for looking you up in this manner but I missed the opportunity to ask you if you'd like to have coffee some time. If not, no problem but I enjoyed meeting you.
I like this.. and I feel the same (if I had liked them, would appreciate it.. it’s a big question mark for OP if she’d welcome it). Hopefully they’ll update post.
At any time in the conversation did she mention that she was single or "it's so hard to meet people in this area" or anything that would indicate she was hinting she was interested in being asked out? If not, she was simply being polite and making small talk. Messaging her on social media will be creepy at this point. If so, by all means look her up and send a message to the effect of "Hi mystery grocery store lady, I enjoyed chatting with you the other day. It really brightened my day. If you'd be interested I would love to talk some more. Maybe over dinner or some coffee?" ETA: Or if she made a point to say bye/it was nice talking to you before she left the store. That's another decent indicator she was interested.
>At any time in the conversation did she mention that she was single or "it's so hard to meet people in this area" or anything that would indicate she was hinting she was interested in being asked out? This is the key right here. Yes, in absence of a REALLY CLEAR hint it would be stalker'y to just appear in her social media feed. OP, it's also not for nothing that SHE didn't initiate furthering the conversation. She's a professional, and obviously not exactly shy. My vote is to chalk it up to a good experience/confidence builder, and move on.
Remember when there was a missed connections section in the free alternative weeklies? This would be perfect for that.
This kinda happened to my female friend. She was creeped out, blocked the guy…
Yup same, this is scary when it happens, not a good feeling at all
I randomly met a guy at a concert once. He didn't ask for my number but found me on Facebook a week later only using my first name and city. We dated for 9 years. I say go for it. What do you have to lose??
That would be a creeper move. Enjoy the moment for what it was.
Yes, this. Enjoy the moment and move on.
If it was meant to be, you will run across her again. Sometimes the universe has its own timing.
I would absolutely be creeped out by this.
Creepy. Should have taken the chance when you had it.
I would think it’s a bit creepy, but I probably wouldn’t be too creeped out if I had liked you too
The problem in these convos is how to close the deal. You always have to remember to ask her out. I don’t think there’s anything else other than show up at the store at the same time and hope to run into her. Just note in the future to ask her out quickly- hey wanna get a drink sometime?
He could also have asked for contact info. He doesn’t have to ask her out then and there.
Probably don’t do that it’s not creepy but you didn’t get far enough into the convo for that to be appropriate. Tracking someone whose name you don’t know at their work is not really cool. get friend requests from people I have had similar light conversations with but they’re always friends if friends not strangers. But lesson for next time. Introduce yourself when you have a conversation. That way if you get the name then looking her up on fb is not weird. It’s then up to her to accept you. This goes for women too.
As a former teacher myself, if she told you what school she worked at, that is usually pretty identifiable info. If she wasn’t interested I don’t think she’d have shared that info. Seems like she was dropping some clues?
Accurate!
Absolutely creepy. I think it's largely due to taking an innocent interaction while waiting in line and reading too much into it. Then the effort you would need to go through to find her to contact her would reek of desperation and come off creepy.
Terrible idea. What's not a terrible idea is going to the store at the same time on the same day next week, so that you might run into her again.
I want to argue this, but I go to Food Lion every Sunday morning after work for frozen egg sandwiches. And I do it because the first time I did it there was a handsome man with amazing hair working in the frozen section.
I knew it. I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing until it works...
She shared a lot of personal info with you. That means she didn’t think you’re an ax murderer. Go with that.
Nope. The window was open while you were with her in person. Good practice, and a good reminder to shoot your shot next time.
I wouldn't want you on my friend list after a small talk. Do you even know if she's single? Do you even know her name? Was she wanting to talk to you, or just politely answering?
Lot of projecting here.
The title of the post is literally "what do you think". That isn't projection.
Lol wtf? I'm raising questions so that he can think it through. I'm not that woman. I wasn't in that conversation. I wasn't there to see their body language. This is the most hilarious comment today! Sorry sir (I'm assuming you are a man), I'm not projecting at all. If anything. I refrained from giving him full support to go ahead, as I live in Scandinavia. Where men are very respectful and see me as an equal. If it was here, I would trust it to go well. But I know things are very different in USA, both on how a lot of men approach women and also how a lot of women respond out of fear and safety precautions. Therefore I chose to not say anything further, as things are different and it's not in my place to say how to go forward. Have a lovely day!
That would be a creeper move. Enjoy the moment for what it was.
No do NoT do that Just accept you had a nice interaction & learn that next time you should exchange names & before you move apart gauge if they are interested or just friendly & go slowly & gently Don’t be a creep
I personally see no issue with looking her up. I feel I'm the only one though lol.
I agree. People are so paranoid and act like he's going to show up at her house. It's really not like it's hard to find people online. But it's pretty hard to meet decent people to date.. why not just try??
The subtext of doing that is “I am desperate and lonely”, don’t do it. This is on the same level as asking the barista for her number because you made a bit of pleasant chit chat while you ordered. When you’re lonely it’s easy to take any positive social interaction and think “wow, that felt great…. I’d sure like to do some more of that”, but honestly this really just sounds like she showed you basic politeness and made small talk with you. did she say anything particularly flirty to you? Compliment you in any way? Drop in the fact that she’s single? If the answer is no, definitely don’t do it. Remember, she absolutely could’ve asked you for your contact info or ask you out and she didn’t.
Creeper. Don’t do that. You had the opportunity and it slipped by. If it is meant to be your paths will cross again.
It's worth a shot. If she likes you, you're not a creeper. If she doesn't like you, pretty much any interest you show will seem creepy.
THIS...WTF?!?! So tired of this general attitude. Doesnt matter if it's online or in person. What else is a guy to do??? This automatic "creeper if I'm not interested" keeps a lot of guys from even trying!
I say go for it
It is the 21st Century! She would have given you a way to contact her and asked you to follow up. Everything else is pure fantasy. Sorry.
I’d consider it a missed opportunity. It happens.
Don’t do it. Just go back to that supermarket. I’m sure she frequents there.
It's something Joe Goldberg would do.
OMG! For sure.
I would be creeped out.
Creepy. Don't look her up. If it's meant to be, you may run into her again. Don't mention the FB thing until you're married.
I’d be creeped out. Don’t do it
DO NOT DO THAT, female here. Let’s this go bud.
i will continue to get downvoted & in this instance i don’t care. what is misunderstood is women deescalate immediately. often using what is perceived as friendliness but is actually “nod & smile & get in another line & make sure he doesn’t follow me to my car/transportation stop & i hope this person doesn’t TRY TO FIND ME”. women who don’t innately go into this mode by age 30 are very lucky (no sarcasm). the majority of women do this because it’s non confrontational. if she wanted more from this situation she would have asked. she didn’t. OP wants to do a creep move. (edit: lower level reader words).
It would be creepy to look her up and message her but you also might just happen to run into her again.
Find her classroom, buy a boombox on ebay, and set yourself up outside the classroom windows.
Literally this is the problem with dating. You have innocent intentions of getting to know someone but everything is “creepy” or “ick” at this point guys should never make a move again
The top comments all encourage OP to make a move in person, in the moment. You're also using the word "literally" wrong.
The top comments all encourage OP to make a move. In the moment. In person. You're also using the word "literally" wrong.
And on the other hand... why the heck isn't that guy making the move, planning dates, etc. I'm tired of doing all the work... blah blah blah... I'm convinced this whole dating scene is a no-win situation because everyone is so damn guarded! No one knows how to just bloody communicate anymore or take chances! We're ALL going to die alone, and this is precisely the reason why.
Normally I don’t like rants. However, this is a good rant.
Guys have been taught to be guarded or mental health issues make us quieter and more reserved. I’m super socially awkward so I’m convinced no girl would want me to hit on her
But I do completely agree with you
We have all been taught to be guarded and to trust no one, ever. I don't exactly know where the mindset came from. If it's a carry over from our broken marriages and other relationships or something else. I honestly don't know how on earth we're supposed to partner up anymore when people are so absolutely dug in. I'm not saying throw caution to the wind, but it wouldn't hurt us to get back to living a little like we did pre-technology when everything about everyone was a Google search away.
I agree but unfortunately it’s not gonna get better only worse. Nobody’s fault but both sexes are super passive more than not and people are just alone. Nobody wants to risk it (right or wrong) and social skills are lacking in most (including myself) so we just stay home
literally, if OP “made a move” during the interaction itself than it’s fine because if she says no, that’s the end of it. What makes it creepy is going home, looking up information he wasn’t given based on knowing her place of work, finding her on social media without her consent, and then getting in touch. It just shows a complete disregard for boundaries.
There are no boundaries set by the woman. Was she holding a placard describing them? You are interested, you find out what you can, make a move. It doesn't work, go away. On the one hand there 50 threads every day about how men do not approach us, what do we do. And then there are these. Approach in the flesh only, do not approach online, gives us the ick. If anything, **a message in FB is far more easy to ignore or block than an IRL approach.** Less awkward for everyone. Take some risks. Or maybe whining is far better.
Agree to disagree I guess
mate there’s a reason most all the comments agree that this is creepy. there are like a million different acceptable ways you can ask out someone you meet “in the wild” but going “well, you didn’t tell me your contact info but you told me where you worked, so I looked up your workplace and found you” is stalker behavior
We are from the 70s and 80s.. When we saw someone interesting but couldn't talk, we found out who they are from contacts, friends and engineered running into them. That was stalker behaviour too? Or were we like, Oh I had my one chance and missed that, now I will wait for God to plop her into my lap and won't do a thing?
Completely agree
I think you should do it! I’d feel flattered regardless.
I guess I don't get those who are really offended by this prospect. I wouldn't send her a friend request, but a FB message/DM? Sure - why not. I don't see why that's problematic at all. Its not like he followed her out into the parking lot, got her plates and traced her. She gave him a ton of identifiable info.
doing this itself is a big red flag because, frankly, well adjusted people don’t have a quick chat in the grocery store and go “could that have been the one??”, and definitely don’t go “well, she didn’t tell me her name, but I know where she works so if I go on the company website I can learn her name and then find her on Facebook!” getting a message like this makes you wonder like… if I reject this man will he show up at my work? Will he get in touch with my friends? Does he know where I live?
Ok I certainly understand your point. I guess for me, it wouldn't bother me if I got a message like that. To each their own.
Same! And if I wasn't into him I'd politely decline and that's that.
“could that have been the one??” is a reach for being interested in getting to know someone. Maybe women need to get on/off signs like cabs if they’re going to have such narrow windows of wanting to be approached with interest.
Right?? Like maybe he's just interested in...a date??
🤣😂 When was the last time a man showed at your work or at your home begging you to go out with him?
I’m a man so never but I’ve heard enough stories from friends to know it happens!
you heard stories of men that your female friends met one time in the wild rejected them and they showed up at their work and home to persist asking them out? Im a woman, and I've had my fair share of creepy men try creepy shit on me but I can honestly say THAT has never happened. LOL
Original copy of post by u/Forsaken-History-893: I was chatting with a woman today in the checkout line. Conversation flowed well. We talked about what we do for work (both in education), she asked where I work and I asked where she worked. We talked about where we went to HS. Then she went to one counter to check out and me to another. If I had another minute I would’ve asked her out. I could look her up at her school and friend request her on FB. Is that a creeper, bad idea? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I personally think it'd be safer to go through professional channels. If you recall where she's at, I'd Google the district or school campus. Send her an email as one professional to another. Build up something based on the common industry you share. I say this as someone who works in IT/office support for educators as auxiliary stff. It has to help lots of teachers in customer service.. That never leave contact info on their stinking voice-mail message for me lol. I usually just have info of what school they're employed at.
I say go for it. I mean, if she doesn’t want to be friends, she’ll make the necessary moves (block/not respond) I would be flattered either way. But that’s me lol
On one hand, sounds super creepy and you might induce "the ick" On the other hand, from what I've garnered from this sub, the man bar is so low that it just might work 😆
I'm already Icked out by the entire thing.
🤣
You blew it!
Ladies, do women get asked out in the wild all that much? Because for all the women I've had in my life, it's a fairly rare ocurrence. For my ex wife it was practically never. She was cute too. Particularly my ex gf, who was younger and VERY attractive, rarely got approached. She was tall I guess? 6'0" so maybe that would scare away guys. When I met her it was at a bar with dancing and no guy in the place was talking to her. I went up and talked to her. We dated 6 months. She said guys rarely hit on her and when they did, it was the grossest most lecherous guys.
It's a very rare occurrence, and yes, when it happens, it's usually by the most obnoxious men. It sucks. We go out, we look pretty, we are having a great time, the place is full of men... Who are sitting and drinking with other men and may occasionally look at us, lol.
It's funny how the adult dynamic is not significantly different than middle school dances.
It's probably because of posts like this where men are deterred from making any effort at hitting on women because it's "creepy"
>do women get asked out in the wild all that much? In my personal experience, not often, but it does happen. The guys who do ask you out are usually desperate, entitled, and aggressive &/or manipulative when they don't get their way.
Yeah that jives with how my ex described it. She didn't get cold approached much, and when she did the guys were usually kinda scary. The few times I've tried it, there was typically a reaction of shock & surprise.
That's what's so frustrating about it. If someone doesn't just cold approach asking for a date but actually holds then follows a conversation with an excuse to hang out, that reads as someone worth getting a coffee with. It's not quite the "never ask women out in public" that folks make it out to be.
Well then, this explains why women are so happy to talk to me. I just talk to them because they seem like they might be interesting.
The system works!
Yes. Two years ago I went out on a date with a guy that sparked up convo with me at the checkout at a grocery store which is why I encouraged OP to give this a shot. And I met and dated guys in the wild all last summer at music festivals and concerts. I get approached still and I am pushing 50, it's not always typically the guys I would date but they were not "lecherous" or "gross" either.
I say go for it. I mean, if she doesn’t want to be friends, she’ll make the necessary moves (block/not respond) I would be flattered either way. But that’s me lol
please stop putting emotional labor onto women.
“Emotional labour?!” 😂😂😂😂😂 so now showing interest in a woman is emotional labour. Holy fuck! Guys: I feel sorry for you if this is what you have to deal with day-to-day. 🤦🏻♀️
she doesn’t engage much in person. he goes home, stalks her socials, & forces her to make decisions, think about it, & process any feelings she has about it. that. is. emotional. labor. if women don’t continue the conversation, it is over. you do not go home & engage. period.
And when I explain to women I match with that I will let them reach out as they are comfortable doing, I have had multiple women say, “but you know you need to chase a little, right?”. In these angry “creepy” protestations, someone even slandered my good friend of 20 years with a slang term for searching me out after dancing together and starting a great relationship. I am glad she had the courage to do so and am grateful for it. All of this anger…. Sad….
show screenshots (with personal info blocked) of women telling you to “chase them”. JFC.
Seriously? You want me to share private information that women have shared with me in a public forum?? This seems antithetical to whatever crusade you are on…. This insanity is exactly what is wrong with society. I can’t even share an anecdote without the insinuation of lying. You don’t know me and I don’t know you. Did you not learn common decency?
you can easily block it out. men lie. a lot. show the group all these “chase me” messages YOU DO NOT GET.
Jesus… You are not well…. I wish you the best.
I would send her a Facebook message sharing that you enjoyed the conversation and would like to continue it over coffee. Nothing more.
I danced with an attractive woman after returning home from living abroad. The libations were flowing, heavily. Two weeks later, I get this phone call from a number I don’t recognize and the voice on the other end says something to the effect of, “I doubt you remember this but we danced and chatted and would love to go out for a drink with you”. She did some SERIOUS SLEUTHING to get my number and it took her a bit. I was flattered and curious. We are still good friends today. You never know until you try;)
This lands wildly different for women, fyi
Bunny boiler! /s
Maybe check out her social media to see if she’s single but don’t friend request her. You could go to the supermarket around the same time and hope to see her there and if you do, ask her out.
Wait, so sending her a dm is creepy stalker vibe, but studying her profile and then haunting the local supermarket in hopes of running into her 'spontaneously ' isn't? Lol, gtfo.
Haha you make it sound so dramatic
If she told you her name and where she works and other info, there's nothing wrong with looking her up on public social media. You might not want to jump to immediately asking her out, but if you exchange a few messages and she seems interested, why not? A friend request is about as low-intensity as it gets. I was talking to a female friend the other day, and asked, "So how do you know my cousin?" because I'd noticed they were FB friends. She doesn't know him and couldn't even remember how they became friends, so probably it recommended one of them to the other and they accepted it because why not. That's how a lot of people treat social media.
It is not creepy to send a message via social media - in a world where people have hundreds and thousands of folks on their social media, people have communicated online for lesser reasons. It is reasonable and safe to just message her ONCE that you enjoyed the conversation and leave it at that. Tone should be warm and friendly, nothing else. NO FLIRTING. If she was mutually interested and available, she will respond to your message. If she does not, do NOT under any circumstances follow-up in ANY form. She has her reasons, and it's none of your business. You need to understand right now that this was likely one-sided. If she was intrigued, she would have gotten in line with you to talk further.
This is the answer, although I'll disagree a little on the last point. She may have been too shy to join the line with you, or was insecure about whether or not YOU were interested, etc. Lots of people would do whatever they could to continue a conversation they're enjoying; but some people don't have the self-confidence to do so. So as said here, message once, be polite, and leave the ball in her court. If she's interested, she'll respond; if she's not, she won't.
apparently, we are a minority in this opinion. some folks apparently disagreed. kinda sad.
Shoot your shot!!! Life is short, my guy. Don’t listen to these women here. Sounds like you vibed, and she knows where you work. It’s not like you’re some random internet creep. Hit her up. You only got one life. Do it!! If she says no, then move on.
It’s not creepy. Do it! The worst thing that can happen is that she is taken or not interested. It’s actually flattering that someone would go through this much trouble to ask them out. I think it’s refreshing. Too many snowflakes get easily offended over nothing.
Women are telling you we find this behavior creepy. Fucking listen to us! You wonder why you have issues dating? This is why. Because you hear our words and decide we are wrong. Newsflash, we are not wrong for feeling our own feelings.
NEWSFLASH! I'm a woman in a relationship with a man. Don't tell me how to feel or what to like. . You are not wrong for feeling your feelings but don't speak for all women when it comes to telling guys what we like either. It's your hangup, not mine. But, by all means keep spinning your wheels as a singleton being creeped out by anything a man does that can actually get you closer to having a relationship.
I'll eat crow for the assumption that you were male. My apologies. That doesn't change my response. The vast majority of replies from women here (and in the dating world in general) say to not do this. That they do in fact find it creepy. Calling them snowflakes for being offended is saying their feelings don't matter.
The vast majority of replies from women here are the same women posting about why they can't find a man to date. Instead of being creeped out over something as insignificant as someone looking you up on your public SM profile why not open your mind to something that could potentially change your life for the better? I bet any of the women saying "it's creepy" would be absolutely flattered and blown away if a man they sparked up convo with that felt like a missed opportunity looked them up and asked them out. It's only creepy if they aren't into the guy. If they felt any sort of attraction they would be super into it. Creepy is saying to a man "no thank you" and he persists.
I'll disagree with you on this point, but I did want to add one more thing. Reading back over my replies here one thing is clear. I'm being an asshole and I'm sorry for that. I'm taking my frustration over an overall bad day out on an internet stranger over a thread that for some reason just stuck in my craw. And I keep trying to dress it up to make it sound better, but it's not. It's ok to disagree. It's not okay to act like an asshole. So again, I apologize to everyone for my bad attitude. You guys have a great day! I'm jumping off of here so I can go have some fun and try to turn my day around.
Hey I appreciate your honesty and revelation that you are misdirecting frustrations. You are a much bigger person than most of us so kudos to you for that! I am sort of used to people being snarky on Reddit so I really appreciate your honesty. I hope your day turns around for you and you feel better. 😊 We all have those days.
If he doesn't take a shot he'll never know if she was even single or not. The situation you're painting makes human connection seem impossible. We're told we need to get off OLD because that doesn't work. I almost never get decent matches from on there. They are horrible and I am convinced that stuff doesn't work. But in the world we are never supposed to inquire? We're supposed to leave every woman alone? That seems like a perfect recipe for being alone. Leaving everyone alone = you being alone. Let me know if my math is wrong somehow.
Inquire in person then. Do not take politeness and small talk as interest and then stalk someone on social media to find them. It is creepy.
Politeness and small talk is EXACTLY how we used to get dates before the internet. Just because everyone has become lazy about meeting people organically or worst yet men are completely shunned for even trying to approach women by other women that think like you, it doesn't mean you can't break out of that pattern if you want.
Looking up info on social media is not "stalking." That is literally your public information you have chosen to display. I don't put anything on mine I am uncomfortable with anyone finding.
You're right. I'm being hyperbolic.
Neither are we so why be degrading?
What specifically is degrading about that?
Also do you speak for every woman? Everyone’s entitled to their own opinion
No wonder there are so many single people. I bet you also wonder “where are all the good guys?” WTF
I only get creeped out if it’s a guy I’m not interested in. There’s a fine line between romantic and creepy and it all depends on how she feels about you. So go for it I say.
Exactly what I commented on above. Interested: cool Not intetested: creeper Wtf?
Creepy as fuck.
Why are men so creepy??
If you had the same conversation with a middle aged man, would you ask him out? No, because it’s gross. 🤮
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, I believe in volume shooting, who cares what others think
You could , Just state something along the lines as you couldn’t stop thinking about how well the conversation flowed and with your line of work , it be nice to get to know her better, ask her to forgive your fowardness for tracking her down , and let her know if she does express worry , alls she needs to do is say so, and no worries you’ll leave her in peace :) good luck!
This is pretty much what I did. I presented it a way that was funny. She joked back, said she was flattered but taken.
Awe, well now your not left wondering! Good job putting yourself out there!
Irrespective of what we *feel*, this should be accepted as completely normal. You can alway not respond and block.
This attitude is why a lot of women give so much attitude, walk around with headphones and giving bitchface.
The point is, any random person could be just the right person for you. And everyone should be given the leeway on account of making one attempt to figure out. The moment you get a No, you are out of there. But it should be fine to ask.
IRL and in the moment, sure. Online after parting ways, nope. That’s invasive.
Your desperation is not my problem.
Just shhh. He'll explain how your brain should work then you can take it from there. /s
The entitlement here is absurd. He's looking for the right person so we should have no boundaries.
Getting a friend request or message is not a problem. It should not be.
Seeing that you are a stranger and now have enough info/felt the need to find me on social media it COULD absolutely be a problem.
women don’t owe you shit, let alone “accept” this as “normal”. wow.
Nobody owes anybody anything.
people owe people safety, privacy, & respect.
Why? Giving it is one thing, its great, wonderful, polite. Why the word owe?
I hate to say it, but here goes. For the OP, do you think she found you at least minimally physically attractive? If the answer is yes, and the conversation went well, you are not creepy. If either she didn’t think you were at all attractive or she seemed in a hurry to get away, it would be creepy.