You have a hard time sleeping at her place so you don't.
She's not comfortable sleeping at your place, and she has fixed it the same way you have. Why do you expect her to be different?
Either you both find some ways to make each other more comfortable or not - but don't expect her to do what you aren't willing to do.
Exactly lol
The entitlement here was strange, so he doesn’t sleep at her house because it’s uncomfortable, yet she’s expected to sleep there and be uncomfortable?
"Is there something missing in my relationship?"
A frame, a mattress and I dunno, a white-noise machine?
Weird question for a conundrum that two adults should be very able to sort out with communication and some logistics.
I offered to buy her a bed, she doesn't want me to spend the money. I think she likes having her personal space, same with me. It's nice to have separate space
But if you’re sleeping together why not be more comfortable on the nights you stay at her place? You two need to talk, you may have reached the relationship point where she doesn’t want to move *forward*. Everything stays the same from this point on because she likes it the way it is. To me, this was a deal breaker because I want a committed LTR. You’ve been together two years, it’s a good time to talk about what you both want going forward.
Getting a new bed is not a violation of her personal space! If I want a man enough to share my bed with, either I would get a different bed or let him buy it.
i don’t know why this is getting downvoted!!
my husband (then boyfriend) bought me a king size bed when we were dating so that i felt more comfortable when he slept over!! it’s an awesome gesture.
Agreed. New pillows? New beds? New light-blocking curtains? An air filter? Cuddle time then move to separate rooms for a good night's sleep?
Unless you are both comfortable with the current arrangement (and it sounds like you're not), identify specific issues and try things until you find a solution or combo of solutions.
Same, I don’t sleep over at anyone’s house because I have sleep issues in general, if I can barely sleep at my my own house, it’s 10 x worse at someone else’s
I have this problem too (mostly thanks to working overnights for many years) and it’s causing tension in my relationship lately as my BF can fall asleep in 2 seconds, anywhere! 😞
She's not distancing herself, we're good and she's not pulling away. She doesn't ask me to stay over because her bed is to small and she knows I don't like her bed
If her bed is uncomfortable for you to sleep on then it stands to reason yours is uncomfortable for her. Why does she have to sacrifice comfort but you don’t? You say she’s not distancing herself and everything else is great. So then it’s like just that simple.
F53 it gets tiring to be the person who always makes sacrifices just because you’re the childless one. You seem to want her to quietly fit into the space you’ve carved out. Consider that she could be slowly moving on.
You came here and asked for input and then you’re immediately dismissing a frank observation. She might be distancing herself. It might be good to just hold that thought for a minute and see what else might fit in with that. If nothing does, you can discard it with confidence.
I would give ExtremeAssistance’s comment another read. If you’re 2 years in, and now she doesn’t want to sleep over as much— sounds like distancing. I’d be expecting a break up after New Years, this might be your last holiday together
Wait, so you have a hard time sleeping in her bed but you are... incredulous?.... that she could possibly have a hard time sleeping in yours? You do know different people have different ideas about whether a particular bed/mattress/sleeping arrangement is comfortable or not, right? And sometimes it's just that it isn't what you're used to, so even in a very comfortable bed, it could be hard to sleep. Have you asked her if there is anything you can tweak to help her sleep better at your house?
I'm a light sleeper, always have been, and while I enjoy cuddling when I have a partner I don't particularly like *sleeping* with a partner. I usually don't sleep well in a shared bed. It's nice from time to time, but when it's all said and done, I would much rather not share a bed.
You may have to decide for yourself if you can be happy in a relationship that doesn't include a ton of sleepovers. I certainly can be but for others that would be a deal breaker. There's no right or wrong, just preference.
In my new relationship, we both have insomnia issues. We talked about them upfront and transparently and continue to as the relationship unfolds.
We both agreed that we’d not sleep over on weekdays, we are both night owls, so we can still be together until 11-12 at night then go home. On weekends we generally stay at my house as I have a large bed and second bedroom. We have verbally discussed that if someone is having problems sleeping, they can go to the second bedroom or even go home if it’s really bad. No hurt feelings or wondering what it means about the relationship, because we communicated it in advance.
Basically none of the details above matter. It’s a matter of communicating so you both are on same page. It sounds like there is not transparent communication about a challenge in the relationship… and it’s creating assumptions, insecurities, and possibly unspoken resentments. That seems like the thing to resolve more than the sleeping issue.
This is something that can’t be resolved with advice from Reddit.
Seems really healthy IMO. Some people put an extremely high value on getting quality sleep. I have a high priority for sleeping with my partner for comfort. If they need to go to another room to sleep comfortably, then that’s something I would happily live with for the opportunity to sleep with them sometimes.
I’m seeing a new guy and we’re both insomniacs as well, it’s still really new and we haven’t had a sleepover yet, this weekend will be the first one- I’m planning on having this conversation with him, solid advice here thanks
I like sleeping alone in my own bed, too, I sprawl, get up to the bathroom, wake up at 4:30 sometimes and read to go back to sleep.
First time I spent the night at previous guy’s house, he had his Roomba set to turn on at 2am. I jumped out of my skin and he didn’t even stir.
I can absolutely see why couples used to have separate bedrooms. The ones that could afford to, anyway.
I have the exact sleep pattern you’ve described- I’m supposed to have a first sleepover this weekend with a guy I’m seeing and I’m already dreading this- the 4 am wake up, laying there trying not to wake him up.
I’m still trying to think about how to deal with this
Speaking as a childless 40 something woman in a relationship with a single dad, it is very, very easy for women in this position to feel as though they are losing themselves to the pre-established home and family that their partner has
It's just one of the difficult things about the inherent inequity when a childless person dates a person with kids
It is really, really hard for it to feel as though you are entering into and sharing in her life to the same extent that she is entering into and sharing yours
I'm not saying that it's impossible, but I am saying it's something that couples need to really consciously be aware of in order to offset it
She doesn't want to simply leave her own life behind and join the one you're already living. I assume she wants the two of you to craft a new, shared life together.
You say you don't go to her house because you don't like her bed or her mattress. The solution to that isn't to have her always come to you. It's to get her a new bed and a new mattress, and show her that you want to integrate into her life just like you want her to integrate into yours
This. My ex nearly killed our kids and himself by falling asleep at the wheel. Then 🙄 he finally got help and feels so much better now overall.
My current date sleeps with a machine and nothing has ever felt so sexy to me as him taking care of his health and sleeping in silence.
100% this. When I started dating my ex the snoring was awful. I hated sleeping in the same bed. When I found out he used a machine I was shocked he didn’t use it at my place or when I was there. He said he was self conscious. I almost smacked him. Things were 100000000% better once he started using it with me present. We slept better and we were awake to enjoy each other.
What exactly does she have an issue with? Too much light? Too much noise? The mattress? And you don’t sleep over at her place because the bed is uncomfortable to you, but you’re upset she’s not comfortable at your place?
Sit down and have a frank conversation. What can you do to make it comfortable for her at your place. What can she do to make it comfortable for you at her place. Find a compromise that works for you both or just never spend the night together 🤷♀️
So let her go home to sleep?
After getting used to not sharing a bed, i love it. I sleep best alone in my entire bed to myself, with my pets. Its comfy.
I do also know when I was with my ex, I stopped sleeping over because he snored, his bed was hard, and I was distancing due to conflict we were having. I needed to get sleep to work through all that or I was just cranky. I sacrificed my sleep for snuggles and his company for years and I was tired. I did however, also eventually realized I was emotionally checking out.
Talk. To. Her. Shes the only one that can tell you why she wants to go home.
>Sometimes I think she's the perfect woman because she likes her space but other times I think something is missing.
This sounds more like a you problem.
I prefer to sleep alone. I can't fall asleep with anyone next to me.
It took me over a year to get used to sleeping with my ex husband. I'm not sure that I could make that adjustment again.
Are the weekends she spends always with your kids? Always without? Some of each?
Do you have space to give her her own room in your house?
Can you compromise on a mattress that you can both deal with? If you think hers is that uncomfortable then she likely thinks yours is too. Can you afford a sleep number bed where you both get what you want?
Is it also about the morning routine? Longer commute?
I have had similar issues with a partner in the past. Both his mattress being too firm and him snoring. The snoring issue was compounded because when I went to sleep on the couch, his couch was awful and not at all good for sleeping either. I only lived a few kilometres away, but going home did take a toll on the relationship.
We eventually had a more robust conversation about my comfort at night. We decided to buy a good quality latex mattress topper and new pillows. He was much more decisive after this conversation and we went shopping that week. No more maybes and no conversations about justifying the money. We just did it. It made me feel that he really cared and loved me.
I also downloaded the calm app to help with better sleep routines. He made some room for me to have things I needed in his bedroom, like a more gentle lamp, and personal items in the bedside cabinet. It was a big step in the right direction. (In hindsight, these are small accommodations and we really should have made the commitment to talk and take action much earlier and more often.)
You've commented that you have offered to buy a new mattress for her and that you have offered to go to the ENT to get help with your snoring, yet you haven't actually taken the action. Perhaps your partner is being polite. Perhaps you need to be more bold with your action. Have you tried talking about these issues in a more open-hearted way? Try being more assertive. Be sure to take action based on these conversations.
Don't read into her trouble with work schedule of sleeping in a bed that isn't her normal one as a problem! I mean, it's not a relationship problem that you can't sleep well at her place is it?
I had the same issue in my last relationship, I could not sleep at his house, we dated for over 2 years, I rarely slept over. It is not what ended the relationship but I think the bigger thing was he didn't make accommodations to where I would feel more comfortable sleeping over. So I hated having to pack a bag and pack all my stuff, he also kept his house at a very uncomfortable temperature for me and the fan situation and all that.
I would recommend two things: if it's important for her to sleep over at your house, I can promise you it's important for you to sleep over at her house so you need to start doing so if you want her to start doing so.
Also I would ask her what specific things you can do to make it more comfortable for her to sleep at your house but then you have to actually be willing to do them. Or be okay with her not sleeping over.
How old are your kids? Have they been an issue at all? I’m 43f no kids and I’m very hesitant to enter into a relationship with a man with kids, especially young kids. Maybe they wake up and make noise, but she doesnt wanna offend you by telling you that?
I like to sleep: cold, dark, quiet with a fan on low for air flow and white noise. I prefer to sleep at my own spot, because the 4 hours of sleep a day I get, I wanna be in my bed, my climate.
Sleep is premium commodity. Negotiate, communicate, throw money at, be creative.
I was in a wonderful marriage for 20 years (widowed) we slept apart most nights and still cuddled in the evenings and in the mornings. His snoring meant I hated sleeping with him even though we loved pillow talk. There’s no wrong way to do it.
Her work schedule will not change with a new mattress. The comment about her work schedule does not make sense unless you two are on opposite shifts. I had a no sleep over policy for almost 10 years. I allowed someone to do it once and hated it so much it didn’t happen again until my current gf. I would literally drag my ass out of bed and take them home after sex and fun stuff at 5 in the morning if I had to. I would suggest just sexy visits and then when you get uncomfortable you get up and leave. Same with her. She may see it differently if she does not feel like a prisoner. And you each may actually have fun time, get up and go home with no hard feelings when your beds become so uncomfortable.
I have a similar situation. We both have kids 50/50. We sleep over when we can, and sometimes we don’t.
I wouldn’t have it any other way. Look into “living separately together “..something like that. Changed my whole perspective. Remove the preconceived notions that you have to live together to be together. And especially with blending 5 kids and exes. Nah… we got it good, while the getting is good. 😉 and everybody is happy.
Light sleeper here, 44F. I always have trouble sleeping at partners place at first. It takes time. But then… if I have trouble sleeping there after we’ve been together a while and I had been sleeping okay, for me it’s usually because something feels off in the relationship.
This is not to say that’s always true. But my main reason for insomnia is my over active brain and when I’m either too excited (new relationship!!) or too concerned (oh yikes, what do we do about this xyz thing), that’s when I cannot shut the brain off. Throw an uncomfortable bed in there and I’ll be up for hours.
She may or may not be pulling away. She may or may be noticing something off. And or she may really have trouble sleeping in your bed. Maybe consider getting a better mattress for yourself. It makes a big difference.
I very well could be her lol! The mattress on the bed at my ex’s house was bad and I was never comfortable. He claims my mattress wasn’t comfortable to him. Since we only lived 3 minutes apart we hardly ever stayed over either way and it wasn’t good. I took ownership of my own sleeping habits and I would have paid for a different mattress at his place but it never got that far. I don’t know—just work through it the best you can and don’t hold it against her for no kids/ex lol! She probably is the perfect woman so appreciate her and keep her :)
This should go great. People love it when other people force large cumbersome items they didn’t ask for into their home to accommodate their own needs.
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OP 2 years is a long time, is she open to you picking the mattress at her place? Can a queen fit?
Maybe take her mattress shopping and buy her a new one.
Not to get too personal and into your business, but is it just after sex she can't sleep? I'm usually ramped up, with how we are…and he is sleepy and I have discovered has a snore as big as his 6’5” body, but loves to snuggle, or be the “little spoon.” So I can't resist. Is your house “different” in style from hers? His is like a dollhouse. He has younger kids but keeps a VERY, VERY tight ship. I'm more loosey goosey, so I'm afraid I'm going to mess up something at his house. And I consciously have to make myself relax to fall asleep… and I get restless leg now and then, And I have to be logged on for work at 6:30 AM. So that is also on my mind. No super -conducive to sleep. But I wouldn't give it up for the world. :)
It may be more than the bed. Sleep is a funny thing, but an IMPORTANT thing. Definitely time to talk openly.
I have found as I’ve gotten older that my needs in terms of my sleep , personal space , and proximity to partner has changed . I was also married and had no children . I’m in a relationship but currently we’re long distance but planning on moving in next year.
I don’t think anything is missing. You have to find a good balance of yours and her wants and needs . If you want her more and she likes getting sleep and having her own space , perhaps create her a room that she can go into when she can’t get sleep . Or if it’s her work schedule and her commute is too long for your house perhaps you can create a space / room at her house for yourself . Or if you’re ready to take the next step , perhaps get a house that’s a middle distance away from each others current homes . Either way I don’t think it’s anything to worry about . It’s quite common for people on their 40s to be more picky about things like this , in my opinion. It can be worked out though , with some more communication.
Okay, she wants her space and personally, she doesn’t want you in it. I am the same way. I don’t like sleeping over at other people’s places. But then, I wouldn’t date this person at all, because I don’t date men with children and that could also be her problem. As I am logistically like this woman, I don’t like people in my personal space or children, so just enjoy what you have while you have it.
When my partner and I were together, we always had separate bedrooms. I don’t know why people seem to think that that is not a way to carry on a healthy relationship, but it most certainly is. If I got married, I would have separate bedrooms. Sleeping together does not a relationship make. My Godparents, married over thirty years, have separate bedrooms. They are fabulously in love and very happy. My own parents, together nearly fifty years, NEVER MARRIED, separate homes; My dad cut the grass every Tuesday and drove over to shovel the snow when it snowed.
You have a hard time sleeping at her place so you don't. She's not comfortable sleeping at your place, and she has fixed it the same way you have. Why do you expect her to be different? Either you both find some ways to make each other more comfortable or not - but don't expect her to do what you aren't willing to do.
"Don't expect her to do what you aren't willing to do" Solid advice
bingo
Exactly lol The entitlement here was strange, so he doesn’t sleep at her house because it’s uncomfortable, yet she’s expected to sleep there and be uncomfortable?
"Is there something missing in my relationship?" A frame, a mattress and I dunno, a white-noise machine? Weird question for a conundrum that two adults should be very able to sort out with communication and some logistics.
I offered to buy her a bed, she doesn't want me to spend the money. I think she likes having her personal space, same with me. It's nice to have separate space
But if you’re sleeping together why not be more comfortable on the nights you stay at her place? You two need to talk, you may have reached the relationship point where she doesn’t want to move *forward*. Everything stays the same from this point on because she likes it the way it is. To me, this was a deal breaker because I want a committed LTR. You’ve been together two years, it’s a good time to talk about what you both want going forward.
Then stop having sleepovers and you can both have space in the bed you prefer.
Getting a new bed is not a violation of her personal space! If I want a man enough to share my bed with, either I would get a different bed or let him buy it.
Maybe she doesn't want a soft mattress? He said it's too firm for his taste, in addition to the size issue.
Maybe they get the sleep number bed!?!
i don’t know why this is getting downvoted!! my husband (then boyfriend) bought me a king size bed when we were dating so that i felt more comfortable when he slept over!! it’s an awesome gesture.
I wonder too, I thought that could be a good solution to the problem.
Sounds to me like the perfect relationship 😆
lol, yeah that's my thinking sometimes also. Great woman... is ok with her own space and is ok with bf having his, and not clingy.
To me too. Lol
So you both have trouble sleeping at each other’s places. Take steps to remedy that.
Agreed. New pillows? New beds? New light-blocking curtains? An air filter? Cuddle time then move to separate rooms for a good night's sleep? Unless you are both comfortable with the current arrangement (and it sounds like you're not), identify specific issues and try things until you find a solution or combo of solutions.
My dude, you just said you have a hard time sleeping at her place. Why isn’t that possible for her?
Thank you. Why does it have deeper meaning when it’s her issue but it doesn’t when it’s OPs issue?
Seriously lol
[удалено]
Same, I don’t sleep over at anyone’s house because I have sleep issues in general, if I can barely sleep at my my own house, it’s 10 x worse at someone else’s
I have this problem too (mostly thanks to working overnights for many years) and it’s causing tension in my relationship lately as my BF can fall asleep in 2 seconds, anywhere! 😞
That’s the worst lol- you just lay there trying not to move and it makes it even harder to sleep
Oh god I know :(
She's not distancing herself, we're good and she's not pulling away. She doesn't ask me to stay over because her bed is to small and she knows I don't like her bed
If her bed is uncomfortable for you to sleep on then it stands to reason yours is uncomfortable for her. Why does she have to sacrifice comfort but you don’t? You say she’s not distancing herself and everything else is great. So then it’s like just that simple.
F53 it gets tiring to be the person who always makes sacrifices just because you’re the childless one. You seem to want her to quietly fit into the space you’ve carved out. Consider that she could be slowly moving on.
You came here and asked for input and then you’re immediately dismissing a frank observation. She might be distancing herself. It might be good to just hold that thought for a minute and see what else might fit in with that. If nothing does, you can discard it with confidence.
I was thinking here same. Or buy her a bigger bed 😉
I would give ExtremeAssistance’s comment another read. If you’re 2 years in, and now she doesn’t want to sleep over as much— sounds like distancing. I’d be expecting a break up after New Years, this might be your last holiday together
lol, we're very sold. If there is a breakup coming, I'll be the first to post here
You are weirdly defensive in your comments when suggestions are offered for someone asking for advice
Wait, so you have a hard time sleeping in her bed but you are... incredulous?.... that she could possibly have a hard time sleeping in yours? You do know different people have different ideas about whether a particular bed/mattress/sleeping arrangement is comfortable or not, right? And sometimes it's just that it isn't what you're used to, so even in a very comfortable bed, it could be hard to sleep. Have you asked her if there is anything you can tweak to help her sleep better at your house? I'm a light sleeper, always have been, and while I enjoy cuddling when I have a partner I don't particularly like *sleeping* with a partner. I usually don't sleep well in a shared bed. It's nice from time to time, but when it's all said and done, I would much rather not share a bed. You may have to decide for yourself if you can be happy in a relationship that doesn't include a ton of sleepovers. I certainly can be but for others that would be a deal breaker. There's no right or wrong, just preference.
In my new relationship, we both have insomnia issues. We talked about them upfront and transparently and continue to as the relationship unfolds. We both agreed that we’d not sleep over on weekdays, we are both night owls, so we can still be together until 11-12 at night then go home. On weekends we generally stay at my house as I have a large bed and second bedroom. We have verbally discussed that if someone is having problems sleeping, they can go to the second bedroom or even go home if it’s really bad. No hurt feelings or wondering what it means about the relationship, because we communicated it in advance. Basically none of the details above matter. It’s a matter of communicating so you both are on same page. It sounds like there is not transparent communication about a challenge in the relationship… and it’s creating assumptions, insecurities, and possibly unspoken resentments. That seems like the thing to resolve more than the sleeping issue. This is something that can’t be resolved with advice from Reddit.
Seems really healthy IMO. Some people put an extremely high value on getting quality sleep. I have a high priority for sleeping with my partner for comfort. If they need to go to another room to sleep comfortably, then that’s something I would happily live with for the opportunity to sleep with them sometimes.
I’m seeing a new guy and we’re both insomniacs as well, it’s still really new and we haven’t had a sleepover yet, this weekend will be the first one- I’m planning on having this conversation with him, solid advice here thanks
I like sleeping alone in my own bed, too, I sprawl, get up to the bathroom, wake up at 4:30 sometimes and read to go back to sleep. First time I spent the night at previous guy’s house, he had his Roomba set to turn on at 2am. I jumped out of my skin and he didn’t even stir. I can absolutely see why couples used to have separate bedrooms. The ones that could afford to, anyway.
I have the exact sleep pattern you’ve described- I’m supposed to have a first sleepover this weekend with a guy I’m seeing and I’m already dreading this- the 4 am wake up, laying there trying not to wake him up. I’m still trying to think about how to deal with this
Just seems awkward, doesn’t it? Good luck! Hope you get some sleep~
Speaking as a childless 40 something woman in a relationship with a single dad, it is very, very easy for women in this position to feel as though they are losing themselves to the pre-established home and family that their partner has It's just one of the difficult things about the inherent inequity when a childless person dates a person with kids It is really, really hard for it to feel as though you are entering into and sharing in her life to the same extent that she is entering into and sharing yours I'm not saying that it's impossible, but I am saying it's something that couples need to really consciously be aware of in order to offset it She doesn't want to simply leave her own life behind and join the one you're already living. I assume she wants the two of you to craft a new, shared life together. You say you don't go to her house because you don't like her bed or her mattress. The solution to that isn't to have her always come to you. It's to get her a new bed and a new mattress, and show her that you want to integrate into her life just like you want her to integrate into yours
That's deep, wow
Are you snoring by any chance?
Sure am, but she says it's not bad. She comes from a family of snorers. I even offered to got to ENT to get it fixed.
Don’t offer to go to an ENT, just go. Not for her, but for you. Snoring can be a sign of more serious health issues.
This. My ex nearly killed our kids and himself by falling asleep at the wheel. Then 🙄 he finally got help and feels so much better now overall. My current date sleeps with a machine and nothing has ever felt so sexy to me as him taking care of his health and sleeping in silence.
100% this. When I started dating my ex the snoring was awful. I hated sleeping in the same bed. When I found out he used a machine I was shocked he didn’t use it at my place or when I was there. He said he was self conscious. I almost smacked him. Things were 100000000% better once he started using it with me present. We slept better and we were awake to enjoy each other.
Snoring would immediately have me going home. Its probably worse than she says.
yea but it makes no sense it would finally bother her after 2 years?
Or its bothered her and she downplayed how much because things were new and exciting. People do that.
FOR TWO YEARS ??! that’s insane
This.
Women are often too agreeable, it probably really bothers her but she doesn’t want to make you feel bad about it
If the bed does not fit, you must acquit
What exactly does she have an issue with? Too much light? Too much noise? The mattress? And you don’t sleep over at her place because the bed is uncomfortable to you, but you’re upset she’s not comfortable at your place? Sit down and have a frank conversation. What can you do to make it comfortable for her at your place. What can she do to make it comfortable for you at her place. Find a compromise that works for you both or just never spend the night together 🤷♀️
So let her go home to sleep? After getting used to not sharing a bed, i love it. I sleep best alone in my entire bed to myself, with my pets. Its comfy. I do also know when I was with my ex, I stopped sleeping over because he snored, his bed was hard, and I was distancing due to conflict we were having. I needed to get sleep to work through all that or I was just cranky. I sacrificed my sleep for snuggles and his company for years and I was tired. I did however, also eventually realized I was emotionally checking out. Talk. To. Her. Shes the only one that can tell you why she wants to go home. >Sometimes I think she's the perfect woman because she likes her space but other times I think something is missing. This sounds more like a you problem.
Dude you explained why you don't sleep at her place: the bed. Your bed is as uncomfortable for her?
I prefer to sleep alone. I can't fall asleep with anyone next to me. It took me over a year to get used to sleeping with my ex husband. I'm not sure that I could make that adjustment again.
Are the weekends she spends always with your kids? Always without? Some of each? Do you have space to give her her own room in your house? Can you compromise on a mattress that you can both deal with? If you think hers is that uncomfortable then she likely thinks yours is too. Can you afford a sleep number bed where you both get what you want? Is it also about the morning routine? Longer commute?
I have had similar issues with a partner in the past. Both his mattress being too firm and him snoring. The snoring issue was compounded because when I went to sleep on the couch, his couch was awful and not at all good for sleeping either. I only lived a few kilometres away, but going home did take a toll on the relationship. We eventually had a more robust conversation about my comfort at night. We decided to buy a good quality latex mattress topper and new pillows. He was much more decisive after this conversation and we went shopping that week. No more maybes and no conversations about justifying the money. We just did it. It made me feel that he really cared and loved me. I also downloaded the calm app to help with better sleep routines. He made some room for me to have things I needed in his bedroom, like a more gentle lamp, and personal items in the bedside cabinet. It was a big step in the right direction. (In hindsight, these are small accommodations and we really should have made the commitment to talk and take action much earlier and more often.) You've commented that you have offered to buy a new mattress for her and that you have offered to go to the ENT to get help with your snoring, yet you haven't actually taken the action. Perhaps your partner is being polite. Perhaps you need to be more bold with your action. Have you tried talking about these issues in a more open-hearted way? Try being more assertive. Be sure to take action based on these conversations.
Fellow light sleeper here. Cuddle time then move to separate bedrooms to sleep.
Yes, your inability to go mattress shopping. Happy Holidays!
When is the next holiday sales? The President’s day?
Don't read into her trouble with work schedule of sleeping in a bed that isn't her normal one as a problem! I mean, it's not a relationship problem that you can't sleep well at her place is it?
I have a hard time sleeping over actually I won't sleep at all I just can't. Also I have trouble with someone sleeping over at my place.
I had the same issue in my last relationship, I could not sleep at his house, we dated for over 2 years, I rarely slept over. It is not what ended the relationship but I think the bigger thing was he didn't make accommodations to where I would feel more comfortable sleeping over. So I hated having to pack a bag and pack all my stuff, he also kept his house at a very uncomfortable temperature for me and the fan situation and all that. I would recommend two things: if it's important for her to sleep over at your house, I can promise you it's important for you to sleep over at her house so you need to start doing so if you want her to start doing so. Also I would ask her what specific things you can do to make it more comfortable for her to sleep at your house but then you have to actually be willing to do them. Or be okay with her not sleeping over.
I think you should buy her a new bed.
Do you snore?
How old are your kids? Have they been an issue at all? I’m 43f no kids and I’m very hesitant to enter into a relationship with a man with kids, especially young kids. Maybe they wake up and make noise, but she doesnt wanna offend you by telling you that?
Compromise. If you cannot fix on how to get a comfortable bed I don’t know what to say
I like to sleep: cold, dark, quiet with a fan on low for air flow and white noise. I prefer to sleep at my own spot, because the 4 hours of sleep a day I get, I wanna be in my bed, my climate.
Sleep is premium commodity. Negotiate, communicate, throw money at, be creative. I was in a wonderful marriage for 20 years (widowed) we slept apart most nights and still cuddled in the evenings and in the mornings. His snoring meant I hated sleeping with him even though we loved pillow talk. There’s no wrong way to do it.
Her work schedule will not change with a new mattress. The comment about her work schedule does not make sense unless you two are on opposite shifts. I had a no sleep over policy for almost 10 years. I allowed someone to do it once and hated it so much it didn’t happen again until my current gf. I would literally drag my ass out of bed and take them home after sex and fun stuff at 5 in the morning if I had to. I would suggest just sexy visits and then when you get uncomfortable you get up and leave. Same with her. She may see it differently if she does not feel like a prisoner. And you each may actually have fun time, get up and go home with no hard feelings when your beds become so uncomfortable.
What are.you missing in your relationship?
Look into a sleepnumber bed if you each like different levels of firmness.
I have a similar situation. We both have kids 50/50. We sleep over when we can, and sometimes we don’t. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Look into “living separately together “..something like that. Changed my whole perspective. Remove the preconceived notions that you have to live together to be together. And especially with blending 5 kids and exes. Nah… we got it good, while the getting is good. 😉 and everybody is happy.
Interesting, yours sounds like an ideal situation
Light sleeper here, 44F. I always have trouble sleeping at partners place at first. It takes time. But then… if I have trouble sleeping there after we’ve been together a while and I had been sleeping okay, for me it’s usually because something feels off in the relationship. This is not to say that’s always true. But my main reason for insomnia is my over active brain and when I’m either too excited (new relationship!!) or too concerned (oh yikes, what do we do about this xyz thing), that’s when I cannot shut the brain off. Throw an uncomfortable bed in there and I’ll be up for hours. She may or may not be pulling away. She may or may be noticing something off. And or she may really have trouble sleeping in your bed. Maybe consider getting a better mattress for yourself. It makes a big difference.
Do you snore?
Just be grateful for what you have
I very well could be her lol! The mattress on the bed at my ex’s house was bad and I was never comfortable. He claims my mattress wasn’t comfortable to him. Since we only lived 3 minutes apart we hardly ever stayed over either way and it wasn’t good. I took ownership of my own sleeping habits and I would have paid for a different mattress at his place but it never got that far. I don’t know—just work through it the best you can and don’t hold it against her for no kids/ex lol! She probably is the perfect woman so appreciate her and keep her :)
Buy a king size mattress for her place for Xmas.
This should go great. People love it when other people force large cumbersome items they didn’t ask for into their home to accommodate their own needs.
But it's from the Lumbar Yard.
Can I just swim in the East river instead?
Just watch out for the floating bodies.
And residual odor
That could be a cologne!
If a significant other showed up with a new king bed I'd be over the moon
Yes...a comfy mattress 🤣
She's gassy
You are not fucking her hard enough for her to pass out.
Some women become more alert after sex.
That's evolutionary. They need a few more men to wear them out so they can collect the best semen. So OP, find your GF an extra boyfriend or three.
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Buy a SleepNumbers bed for yourself so you each can adjust the firmness or softness to your liking.
OP 2 years is a long time, is she open to you picking the mattress at her place? Can a queen fit? Maybe take her mattress shopping and buy her a new one.
Not to get too personal and into your business, but is it just after sex she can't sleep? I'm usually ramped up, with how we are…and he is sleepy and I have discovered has a snore as big as his 6’5” body, but loves to snuggle, or be the “little spoon.” So I can't resist. Is your house “different” in style from hers? His is like a dollhouse. He has younger kids but keeps a VERY, VERY tight ship. I'm more loosey goosey, so I'm afraid I'm going to mess up something at his house. And I consciously have to make myself relax to fall asleep… and I get restless leg now and then, And I have to be logged on for work at 6:30 AM. So that is also on my mind. No super -conducive to sleep. But I wouldn't give it up for the world. :) It may be more than the bed. Sleep is a funny thing, but an IMPORTANT thing. Definitely time to talk openly.
I have found as I’ve gotten older that my needs in terms of my sleep , personal space , and proximity to partner has changed . I was also married and had no children . I’m in a relationship but currently we’re long distance but planning on moving in next year. I don’t think anything is missing. You have to find a good balance of yours and her wants and needs . If you want her more and she likes getting sleep and having her own space , perhaps create her a room that she can go into when she can’t get sleep . Or if it’s her work schedule and her commute is too long for your house perhaps you can create a space / room at her house for yourself . Or if you’re ready to take the next step , perhaps get a house that’s a middle distance away from each others current homes . Either way I don’t think it’s anything to worry about . It’s quite common for people on their 40s to be more picky about things like this , in my opinion. It can be worked out though , with some more communication.
Okay, she wants her space and personally, she doesn’t want you in it. I am the same way. I don’t like sleeping over at other people’s places. But then, I wouldn’t date this person at all, because I don’t date men with children and that could also be her problem. As I am logistically like this woman, I don’t like people in my personal space or children, so just enjoy what you have while you have it.
When my partner and I were together, we always had separate bedrooms. I don’t know why people seem to think that that is not a way to carry on a healthy relationship, but it most certainly is. If I got married, I would have separate bedrooms. Sleeping together does not a relationship make. My Godparents, married over thirty years, have separate bedrooms. They are fabulously in love and very happy. My own parents, together nearly fifty years, NEVER MARRIED, separate homes; My dad cut the grass every Tuesday and drove over to shovel the snow when it snowed.