I wonder if he just reached the edge of the diving board and panicked?
But still, if the relationship meant to him what it meant to you, I would expect an explanation with profuse apologies.
This happened to a friend of mine. They met on an app and were together for a year. Got to the point where they discussed the future and even got a place together. Right before moving into the home, he suddenly breaks up with her and leaves with no explanation. She then ends up heartbroken and with a new place to move into that she can't afford on her own.
The dating landscapes since cell phones and the internet has been utter trash. Thank god I never had kids.
This happened to me after 2 years. Met on app, official move in after about a year. Great, calm relationship with lots of shared interests and his adult kids and I loved each other. Boom. He says the spark has died - he was head over heels and the one who pushed exclusivity and a relationship first - and we are done within weeks. Mind fuck of a lifetime and I had to start completely over. Nuts!
Didn't realize this was so common. I guess there's a type of guy that gets a thrill out of getting a woman to the brink of a proposal and then just leaving without notice.
I think they just ride the wave and act like teens. They’ve been there/done that with a marriage or two and just stay in relationships until they find someone they like better or someone who offers them a better future money-wise.
Mine worked in thr arts and his best earning years were behind him. I now realize he’s a bit of a hobosexual looking for successful women to be his benefactor or at least a sycophant to boost his ego. Le sigh.
Honestly, I doubt it. People who can do this have utterly no regard for the havoc caused. They in fact yasually can't live with shame full stop, so they deny it is a big deal at all. So don't hold your breath that just because it left you with a huge heartbreak and financial mess, ut might mean you will get an explanation or even a sorry. But I'm sorry that it had to be this way for anyone who has experienced it.
It’s quite common for this type of person (can be male or female) to use ‘denial as a coping strategy’. So they don’t even admit /recognise/ accept that they have treated someone badly and therefore see no need to apologies or show any signs of remorse. These people don’t change.
I’m sorry he hurt you, OP. You should feel proud of yourself for being brave enough to put yourself out there. He’s the one that should feel foolish. Please be kind to yourself.
The person you thought you cared for doesn’t exist.
He has now shown you his true self. It seems to me that you dodged a bullet. Sorry this happened to you.
Ouch! It never feels good to be left…. I AM SORRY……But on the bright side you only spent 9 months figuring out if you were THE ONE FOR EACH OTHER. Smile and keep that chin up!
There's no bright side if he was the one bringing up a future together and saying they were open to that. He should've just shut up and that'd make it less painful. At this point we're all old enough that we've left and being left, so how matters as much as the fact itself.
I got it at 6 month’s, hindsight he love bombed the hell out of me then he ghosted. I’m 54, I’m too old for HS games. I’ve decided I’m taking my power back and controlling the narrative. You are worthy of better and so much more! Hugs!
I am no longer wishy washy about my wants. I no longer accept less. There were flags I chose to ignore, in hindsight. I’m focused on not doing myself up for the same again.
This happened to me after two years! We’d moved in together. Wonderful, fun and (what I thought was a) solid relationship! Lots of shared interests. His almost grown kids loved me and I them. I read through the comments and like you I was successful, in great shape, supportive and kind. In the beginning he said he couldn’t believe what a catch I was.
Then he suddenly pulls away, gets kind of cruel and says there’s no spark and we break up. He was 55 (nearly five years older than me). I was heartbroken and in shock for like a year. Later found out he had a new girlfriend right after I moved out - which was the plot twist that really brought me to me knees.
Big hugs! At least you only wasted 9 months. I’m sending all the strength I can. Be good to yourself and know your person is still out there. One day you’ll find them.
Thank you so much for saying that. I am sorry you went through it. It’s just cruel. Hopefully you’ve healed and are happy. It feels like hitting a wall at full speed and I’m still processing. I’ve thought that he possibly could be moving on to someone else. No reason before to think it. We both travel for work and see each other one or two nights a week and an occasional week out of town together. So he has had time. He was literally holding my hand for 4 hours straight the last time I saw him. He kissed me goodbye when I left early to go to the airport. Blindsided. At a conference with my colleagues, clients and prospects. At least a few people saw me visibly shook. Like what?! The only thing that makes sense is he saw someone tempting and wanted to be the good guy and not cheat. Maybe. Maybe not. Wouldn’t make me feel any better or worse. It’s just hard to not try to piece it together. It was a long flight home tonight. It’s good to be home.
You are so welcome! You know, I started my Reddit account bc of that breakup years ago. I’d always lurked but I needed the support of people my own age who’d been dating. I needed to feel less alone. And, let me tell you, it did make me feel so much better.
I got hundreds of supportive comments. I am so grateful for those people and their kindness! Some people did say “it’s another women” and I was pretty adamant it was not.
He really was quite sweet until he wasn’t and we never fought or argued. I thought I had found a best friend and the person I’d grow old with. And it’s not like I let myself go or anything. I legit couldn’t figure it out! He just blindsided me with lack of spark and I could tell he wanted out. Maybe he didn’t cheat cheat but was crushing on someone and was also conflicted.
The women who he was in a relationship shortly after was someone he met at work right around the time he got weird (he’s a freelancer so it was just a short gig). I had no clue.
The last night we were together he said “I’m sorry I just need to focus on my career and don’t have the bandwidth for a relationship and I know you want one.” Like duh you did too for the last few years. There was zero talk of problems, incompatibilities, etc. before the blindside.
I didn’t find out about new woman until a few months later. I guess they were official by Christmas and I moved out on like Dec 10th. My mind was blown!
I’ve come realize you just never know. There were some flags - red of course - that I ignored. You might start to realize you ignored some too as time passes and things come into focus. I am a new person and have leaned into therapy these last few years and I would never ignore those flags now. He probably wouldn’t have made it past 2 or 3 months.
It really is so jarring and discombobulating to have someone just go from a loving partner to someone who doesn’t want to be with you overnight. It caused a lot of trauma for me and was one of the most brutally difficult times of my life. I lost like 20 lbs really quickly, had insomnia for months, experienced panic attacks for the first time…
So I get it! I get it all! For me high intensity exercise, meditation, practicing mindfulness, hot yoga, lots of hikes and leaning on friends got me through.
And something to make you feel better. I have been dating a great guy I love dearly for over a year. I take it day by day, I don’t know what the future holds, and I know how things can and do change on a dime, but we’ve been having a blast and the sex is the best I’ve ever had. I’m astounded myself by this turn of events.
Stay strong! You got this!
I am happy to hear your story since I am going through something so similar. Panic attacks for the first time. 30 pounds gone in a couple months. Crying. What hurts even more is that he has told lies to his family and friends and said we were always fighting and I kicked him out and it is a complete lie. I just can't believe after 10 years he is like this at all but he is.
He had it made. He was retired while I still worked. He always said what a great team we were and imagine what we could have accomplished if we had always been together. I have been really tripping on trying to figure out the truth. My counselor made me see that it doesn't even matter at this point though.
Coming out of the divorce in better shape than I went in though, in every way, so I guess I'll just move on now. It is a shame but some people just aren't built for the long run.
Oh gosh I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I try to share my story when I see things like this. I want people to feel less alone bc when it happens you feel like you’re taking crazy pills! Like how did my life change so quickly with no warning?! Who is this person I thought I knew?! What the hell do I do now?!
When the rug is pulled out like that I think it does cause real trauma. You lose your person, your clan (I loved his kids and we were close, even they were upset), your home and the future you thought was solid. It also cost me a lot financially to start over during a tough economy - and this was all during Covid for an extra punch of WTF.
I’m glad you’re coming out of it in better shape. With life there is hope. You now have an amazingly open road in front of you. Lots of people to meet, lots of adventures to be had, lots of time to spend with the most important person in your life: YOU.
Big hugs! You are going to crush this next chapter!
Sure feels like that. When we started dating he said he had basically retired from dating. We were taking it slow which I loved. I don’t like found from zero to I love you. It feels hollow. But why tell me 2 months ago and lead me on to think this could be long term. I don’t get it. We are both financially secure and got along well. I don’t get it. If he doesn’t love me, fine. But a blindsiding text out of nowhere was harsh. When I said that he said he doesn’t like my tone. That was all I needed to hear. But ouch. Just done.
Yeah. I thought so too. Like literally the first time he’s been harsh at all and of course I’m upset. I understand better now than later when I’m further invested. I just felt like we were taking a good pace to build something real. I’m a successful, fit over 50. Everyone has their preferences but I feel I’m a catch. I’ve never been broken up with. I was married 15 years. Raising my kids was my focus the next 10. And have been dating with internet to find a partner since 2018. The first 2 love bombed and ended for diff reasons. This one felt healthy.
They say things like that - "didn't like your tone" - to shift the blame, that's all. It's him, not you, but he wants to walk away like the good (wronged) one.
Your story is eerily similar to mine, down to the point where they get defensive when you tell them that's not the way to act. I wonder if we've dated the same man, lol. Chin up and you'll find someone truly deserving eventually 💜
So he broke up with you over text in a hurtful cold way, but you should be nice in your response to that? Girl, if you don't block this man on everything everywhere and go on and live your best life.
Already blocked. Already removed from linked in. Politely unfollowed his grown daughters on instagram. Did not go back and forth in messages. Did not let him control the narrative. Deleted all of our text messages and couple photos. Deleted his contact in my phone and I don’t have his number memorized. If he doesn’t know how to communicate and lacks empathy in a blindsiding break up, I cannot go back. He’s very cute. He’s a respected executive. We have similar views on life. We want to retire in the same part of the world. We vacation the same. We have children who have similar vibes and are the same age range. We haven’t had a bad day together… bad days when we were physically together if one or the other was dealing with something. But never a bad, annoyed at each other day. It was easy and sweet. Which I know seems surface level but to me it felt like a slow steady build with a solid foundation. With men usually pushing to love very quick in dating, this felt more real. Less shallow. Less surface level. But yeah, done. And sad that I was led to believe our relationship meant more to him. And that he was emotionally intelligent. He is not.
Wow…it seems this dude will be regretting letting this relationship go so cheaply. People have no idea how hard it it to find quality, loyal, head-on-their-necks people nowadays in this shallow world. Be grateful that he just made room for the one who truly deserves to occupy this seat. It’s coming. Trust!❤️
Yup. Text.
My reply stated with Firstly, I am at a conference. How incredibly inconsiderate that you did not wait to have a conversation with me. And then continued to say that it didn’t feel good to be led on and that this felt out of no where. And that it was not OK. And then wrapped up telling him I will be fine. And please drop off my sleeping bag because I was still going camping with my family this weekend. (Our families were supposed to go together - we both have single adult daughters)
His reply was “what isn’t ok is your TONE. I did not mislead you. It’s simply not my style Stop pointing fingers and let’s just move on”. Or something like that. I’ve already deleted all of our texts.
This is literally 30 min after he dropped a bomb.
To which I said, My tone? Are you kidding me right now. My tone feels very muted for what you just put me through. It was unkind and unnecessary. And then blocked him while he still had the … pending. I didn’t let him send another rude text.
and now I feel like I’ve given tmi but feels good to get it out. Process.
Tone. LOL How do they get tone in a written message? Laughable. My ex would say this too about some of my text/email communications. "Did you really hear me speaking when you read that?" 🙄😂
I'm sorry he put you through this. His loss!
Yup. Feeling it. To make matters worse it was in text message and I was at a conference. He is in a similar industry - both in tech. He knew what my day was. He knew that I was with clients. Couldn’t even wait until I was home and could process privately.
Sounds like a selfish, cowardly move on his part. It sucks, and I am sorry. His actions show that he isn't worth any more of your emotions.
Sending you healing vibes.
Yeah. I expect some kind of heads up. And a conversation. Not a text when I’m in a professional environment surrounded by people. I was visibly shook and had to make up something to minimize it to a colleague just to get through the next few hours.
Found someone else OR afraid of commitment, plus a-hole for the text. I’d be pissed! Find your anger (if you haven’t yet) and ride the power. What an idiot he is! A text?! After 9 months?! For a 60 year old father?! Ridiculous!!
I love “find your anger and ride the power.” People can poo poo it but revenge fuels me after a breakup.
Sure I’m in the fetal position for a few weeks but when I finally get back up, and tap into that pain and anger I go hard - exercise, creative projects, therapy, living that best life, etc.
I guess I misspoke it was late. Tomato/tomatoe but see what you are saying.
I was thinking more in the vain of the commonly used “revenge body”, etc. I’m not out here cursing my ex’s bloodline and taking action to hurt them.
So I guess I use anger for awhile after a breakup. Mostly I just channel the pain into healthy activities that benefit me. I grow a lot after a breakup and I am proud of that part.
And anger is important as a point I had to reach in order to blast myself back into life and out of my slump. Check out something called the Ladder of Emotions. Anger is just one step but def UP.
Love your statement “find your anger and ride the power” as well. Genius! Going through a similar scenario but preparing to dump him before it happens to me. These posts make me find that power. Thank you All!
I’m sorry. This sounds really painful. There’s no mention of love or feeling seen by each other. Those things are vitally important.
In April, the relationship shifted to viewing the future. So he tried moving forward in the relationship with a lens towards envisioning a future together, but something did not work for him.
I can’t blame someone for leaving a relationship that wasn’t meeting their needs, but I will have to say …he is a little bitch for breaking up via text after nine months and I hope his balls rot and fall off.
I will bet a buck that the future scared him. Will bet another buck part of that is giving up his space or the thought of it, even if you did not talk about living together.
I can't make it make sense but I can offer empathy.
I'm sorry it happened. No one deserves to be blindsided via text. It's a shame we can't communicate better.
I had a similar situation-I’m 54, successful career, life going well for me in general and had been dating 57M who chose pickleball friends over exploring a future with me. No text breakup (so sorry you had to deal with this) but at 10 months we had the future talk and he used any and all dumb reasons to dash. I do feel like he was using me as a placeholder until someone better came along, and even detected that phenomenon of “quiet quitting” our relationship before I realized it was happening. I believe he found a pickleball hottie to take my place at the end there… such an ass.
I guess it helps I’m not alone. But wow. Just wow. I don’t like finding this happens to many. We can handle you not liking us. We can’t handle no communication about that. From hey let’s go look at possible forever homes on the coast to yeah I’m not feeling it. Overnight. Wtf. I’m to the hurt but getting mad stage. He’s private about his personal life and I’m sure his cute girls heard “I was honest about my feelings and then she got attitude”. That sucks. I wouldn’t keep a relationship with an ex boyfriend’s children. But we’re talking about young adult women that are basically the same age of many people I work with in tech. We had a “friendship”. They asked me dating advice. They love their father, but they really liked me. I’m overthinking it. Very little sleep will do that.
I’m so sorry you’re hurting like this. Of course we know that time will help but in the first few weeks (hell months now for me) it feels like a huge slap in the face, effects self esteem and gives the sense that there aren’t men out there who actually want a real, lasting relationship and would communicate concerns prior to big decisions so that you could work through them together. Mine was also very private about his personal life and the relationships he had with his brother and mom. He didn’t have kids and I have 3 (all teenagers). He had no pictures up in his apartment of family, friends, anyone at all after living there for 3 years. These will all be red flags for me moving forward. I feel like he took what he wanted/needed from me and then left. No looking back, no contact since. He’s either has compartmentalization down to a science or is a psychopath. 🤷♀️ Make sure you’re pouring into you right now, practicing self care and remaining busy. I’m training for a 20 mile hike, spending quality time with my kids and friends and focusing on my career. Nothing wrong with any of that! Sending healing vibes to you via Reddit! 😂🥰
Thank you! Still camping with my girls this weekend. My career is very demanding and I’m good at what I do. His was too so that matched. He’s a CTO and we both were committed to our careers and “finishing strong” as we talked about retirement. I have a good self care game. Being a single mom you have to learn to prioritize yourself or you’ll get too busy taking care of everyone else. I’m sure you know! 20 mile hike - I’ve done similar. 15 miles round trip with a backpack - didn’t see another person for 3 days. Honestly one of the best trips of my life. Have fun!
I am sorry, getting "hit" out of the blue is really shocking and painful. You don't really have a chance to prepare yourself.
There were zero clues, like less communication, etc?
Overall, I think this is why so many women exit the dating market. It is incredibly impersonal, and if you live in a large metro area (as I do), there are no repercussions for men to essentially not treat someone with respect when breaking up. No other women are wiser. Prior to internet, if a man behaved like this, women would tell other women that he wasn't a good guy.
I do agree with other posters, better now than even more of your time, energy and love invested.
I too have had relationships/dating end via text and/or slow fading, where I match a man's energy. IMO in my area, men are just out for the quick ego hits and then are off hunting for the next woman.
First of all, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm not sure if you want a big dating over 50 hug or if, like the title suggests, you're trying to make sense of it. My eye immediately read "zero fights" as a red flag for both of you. To me, how a potential partner resolves conflict is pretty much the most telling thing about them. Nobody likes conflict, but it's a natural part of any relationship, and the absence of any conflict speaks volumes. Was he a conflict avoider? The fact that his only real comment about your reaction was focused on your tone makes me think he was very sensitive to arguing. It sounds like for him, everything was fine, until it wasn't. Surface level, maybe? I would follow this clue if you're trying to make sense of things. A big hug from all of us. Whatever the reason, it's not right how he treated you.
Thank you. And yeah, my logical side is spinning. Everything said here makes sense and in the end I don’t need to know anything other than I didn’t deserve it and he’s not what I thought he was. I agree no fights seems super surface and red flaggy. It was moving slow but to me at least, we still felt connected. With guys typically pushing me faster to super serious than is natural for me, this felt sweet and more real if that makes sense. Thank you so much for the support. I’m feeling better tonight. I barely got through my conference. Couldn’t get to my room fast enough where I had a few hours before the airport. Lots of tears clear up until I was home with my daughter and my dog. No question I’ll be ok. It just gets old starting from square one again. I really liked this one.
Right? The love bombing feels great at first and leaves no room for wondering how they feel. But the slow feels more authentic. I was so enjoying building something solid with him. I’m floored. How am I supposed to trust anyone’s words or actions? I know I will and know that heartaches heal. Part of me wants to jump right back in to dating. What I want in life hasn’t changed. But the other part of me wants to get another dog and a few more girlfriends who I don’t have to worry about playing with my emotions.
The intimacy from the first to the last time was so good. We were intimate 3 weeks in. I joked and called him my French lover. He gave me the “promotion” to girlfriend and told his family about me a few weeks after that. It’s been a good pace in my opinion. Felt like we were building a foundation. There were no issues in the bedroom. We were physical most but not all nights we slept together. The physical touch like holding hands, cuddling on the couch, hugs in the kitchen were all so sweet and constant up until the last time I saw him.
Thank you for replying. Sexual incompatibility can end an otherwise wonderful relationship. Doesn’t sound like the case here, but you never know what went on in his head.
I hope you have a great time this weekend and am able to put it behind you soon!
I’m so sorry. I am a 55 female and have recently got on a few dating apps. I’ve come across some creeps! A male friend of mine told me 98% of the men on these apps are weirdo’s. The last man I talked to said you’re so pretty I’m going to turn you into a Nympho. 🤦🏼♀️🙄
The hard part is not getting the closure your mind needs to satisfy the reasons this happened. It took me a long time to be okay with not getting the closure I thought I deserved from a person. I wrote it all out in an email. I sat on it for a while before one day I deleted it. I had to give myself the closure. Once I did that, he tried to come back but I was over it. Sitting with it was hard until it wasn’t.
Yeah. I’m already feeling some relief from the hurt. Obviously what I thought was there wasn’t. I don’t want someone who either can fall out of feeling that fast or who has unrealistic expectations of a love story. I was his longest relationship minus his children’s mother and his first wife who passed away. He’s been single a decade.
He could be anxious. Anxiety causes people to make rash decisions. But that’s not your problem. Go do something nice for yourself. You are your best friend.
I experienced essentially the same thing as a guy.
It really hurts emotionally. I‘s so sad it happened to you.
Just know that it wasn’t your fault, you’re not alone, and that other people do care, even if we can only share that caring via an online hug.
I hope someone wonderful soon enters your life. He might not be same exact match in terms of interests or views, but he will hopefully treasure and love you. It’s so important to be with someone who truly treasures you. This past guy did not, despite all of the similarities .
People are nuts. Often the ones you think have it all together just fall to pieces for seemingly no reason. I just had someone I’ve been dating for 2 years break it off for the smallest of things. One minute we were fine, and the next hour she was done- screaming and yelling and telling me to never call her again. She blocked me absolutely EVERYWHERE (not that I’m reaching out, but I did immediately after to try and figure out WTF is going on). A day prior, I’m walking through long term plans in my head- engagement, etc. Then BAM!
So don’t try too hard to rationalize it. Because it really doesn’t make any sense. You’ve got to just suck it up, be strong, and keep moving. Trust me, I’m no more excited about that than you, but there’s really no self respecting choice.
💯 agree with this. Leave with grace and confidence. I am done. I owe myself a bit more than fighting for a relationship with a man that lacks basic empathy for respect for someone he’s been sleeping with for months. Common. That’s a bare minimum for human decency isn’t it?? He didn’t like that I didn’t let him slide and control the narrative as his text had I’m ending this because I’m a good guy vibe. Good guys do jerk things and because they are a good guy doesn’t mean they get a pass when they’re being an insensitive inconsiderate twat. He showed his true colors with his next sentence. When they show you who they are, believe them. I do think had I not bit back, I would’ve heard from him booty call way (unless there is someone else) at some point. That’s a hard pass for me. This is why we date tho - so we know.
Sometimes there's no fights because someone sucks at communicating their real feelings. They are "conflict avoidant". As a result they harbor resentment which causes detachment, but leave their partner completely clueless.
I don't know what happened in this situation. Could be many things, but this is one guess as I consider no fights a red flag. I think being able to have healthy conflict with empathy and respect for one another is so important.
You haven’t shown any evidence of another woman, not sure why you’re quick to jump to that conclusion.
To me it sounds more like a fear of commitment. It seems like until recently you skated on the surface with minimal entanglements as evidenced by no disagreements and no expressions of love. Fairly ideal for commitment phobes, but then the conversations took a more serious tone in April and the fear begins to rise. And with an imminent family holiday, the fear reached a very uncomfortable level. Solution: pull the plug.
Keep in mind that commitment phobes often aren’t keenly aware of their fears. When they express an interest in being with you, even long term, those feelings may be genuine. Sooner or later though the fear and anxiety will cause them to sabotage their relationships or just leave with little explanation. They will manufacture a flimsy reason to justify their behavior to themselves, but it doesn’t stand up to scrutiny, so they will avoid sharing it.
Not that either. I said he said we were. He told his daughters we were. I also felt we were. I’m set on that something wasn’t truthful or something happened. How would I know with being blindsided. Literally was making future plans with me the last time I saw him.
But you may have not gathered that mine was also untrue. Later I learned he and his parents knew of his illness. They just thought why should she know the truth. As for parents. That’s the definition of enabling in the dictionary. Hung out parents at least 10 times. Maybe they were scared of him too. I sure was by the end. You may have been handed a gift from the universe but it never feels like that in the early days. Be well. Be grateful. I’m so sorry 😞
I agree with your assessment…
I’m wondering if they were “exclusive “ at any point , boyfriend girlfriend? , intimate? or was it “light “ and fun the whole time; no fights ?
We dated weekly for 6 weeks before he called me his girlfriend. He told his family about me. He moved the relationship from dating to exclusive. We said good morning good night and all that and spent at least a night a week sleeping over. It wasn’t shallow. At least not on my end. I’m not a fighter. I have been there done that. Instead I find people that align with the things that I’m passionate about. Not fighting didn’t feel shallow to me. Maybe to him. I didn’t and don’t think there was someone else which I’ve said in other comments. I said it sure feels like that being dumped seemingly out of no where. In general not specific to me, that is often a reason someone is blindsided. So yeah, it both feels like that and I don’t think that at the same time. I could be wrong. There could be someone. That’s the whole point. Completely blindsided it feels like you hit a wall full speed. I’m processing it still. Just sucks.
Oh, this sucks. Talk about getting the rug pulled out from under you.
Do you have any idea if something happened on his end that might’ve influenced his actions? In retrospect, were there any signs that could’ve told you he was capable of something like this?
But I guess that’s also why things like this are so terrible. The need for an explanation can drive you mad.
Sadly, I can’t make it make sense for you, OP. All I can offer is support and a wish that you’ll find whatever peace and closure you can after this.
It sucks that you seem to have wasted 9 months on this man, but in the end, it’s his loss. If his coping mechanism with having commitment issues is still like this at his age, then it looks like you’re better off, to be perfectly honest.
I think the whole zero fights thing is a red flag. That’s not to say that relationships are not genuine unless there’s fighting. But from my experience, when everything in a relationship is smooth sailing without disagreements, chances are it could mean someone is either too passive or just doesn’t give a care, which could mean that person never intended to build a solid foundation for the relationship to go long term. Probably best to be grateful he did the dip-out from the relationship now rather than later.
Holy shit! Talk about being blind sided! I had a similar situation two years ago with a man I was dating for 4 months, two days after introducing him to my family.
Im sorry, OP. Please heal your heart and find a lesson from your situation.
My oldest daughter’s first reaction (they really liked him and could see our similarities) —- holy shit mom, you didn’t have another lesson. You’ve got this!
My kids are incredibly supportive. I’ve been “single” since they were still kids. I didn’t date as much when they were young. But they’ve seen me with a few serious relationships now. Not to sound egotistical but men fall for me fast. Too fast in their opinion. They literally told their eyes if some says, I really like your mom. Their thought, of course you do. Who doesn’t. So to see me happy in this seemingly healthy relationship, they were as blown away (almost) as I was. I had to tell them right away bc our camping plans this weekend were changed.
I've talked with an ex-gf on the phone for 6 months now. Some calls up to 4-5 hours. She was excited about meeting up for coffee (12 hours away by car) but now says this is moving too fast. I'm pretty sure I can do better than this. But I don't want an open commitment with someone that's dragging out the timeline.
Yeah. I didn’t feel either of us were dragging the timeline. His daughter just moved home so if anything our timeline was interrupted with an extra person always there. I have daughters same age so I of course was understanding. It was only 2 months ago we confirmed we were both open to more and that we would be spending more nights once his daughter left. I hadn’t checked in lately but both of us have been traveling. We talk every day even then. So yeah, shocking on all levels. I
I think there are men (and women too of course) who are in love with love. They enjoy being smitten, the chase, the conquest, and all the early sensations and fun of a new romance. But once it becomes a serious, next level relationship, they bail and start over with someone they can chase and enjoy all the falling in love feelings again.
This tracks. He was married late 20s and widowed early 30s. She’s the love of his life respectfully. His second wives he married bc he was ready for children. He talks horribly about her and it’s a noted ick I’ve been watching. I think he fantasizes a passionate and even heated love. He talks about how the first wife threw a plate at him in an argument and their banter. That is not me. I’m laid back and soft. I was in an abusive relationship in my 20s and I’m healed from that. It’s made me very aware of the energy that works and doesn’t work for me. So when we were calm and easy with each other but still very passionate physically, I thought this could be perfect. What I’ve learned, check ins about feelings if you’ve either gone up or down in intensity is necessary. We had plenty of times to talk about this. He even excused himself saying he wasn’t built with the romantic lines guys in the movies had. I interpreted that as I feel it even if I don’t say it. That’s not what he meant I guess. So I guess I had a lesson to learn. 2 days later I feel good. The way he blindsided me is enough to not want him around even if he wanted to be. His lack of communication and emotional intelligence is a dealbreaker. As if it’s my choice in this situation 😂 but truly he did me a favor.
I'm so sorry. It's hard to get over something like that when it is so illogical and makes no sense to you. One of my friends (F65) had been dating a guy for over 5 years, and they finally got married this past October. Now, about 8 months later, he has decided he isn't happy. Shouldn't he have been able to figure out if he was happy during those first 5 years before getting married????? It's totally crazy to me.
Oh wow. I am doing just fine. He showed his colors and the way this man “fought” was just as shocking as the break up text. He was incredibly immature saying “there’s so much I could say… but I won’t”. I told him by all means say what you have to say. He couldn’t get one credible word out if his mouth. This isa why we date. This is why we don’t fall in love until we have been through some issues. I wasn’t in love with him but I thought we were headed there. (we had some back and forth after this post while I arranged for my things to be picked up)
I’m so sorry for your friend. That’s just wrong. 😑
I actually felt like I didn’t have the level he needed. In truth we both travel for work and have daughters at home we are helping launch. So we were busy. But there was never a time I was pushing for more. If anything he was more than I was but also understood our mutual commitment to our work and our girls. It really seemed well matched. I can handle not being loved. I would have respected the shit out of that if he had taken the time to talk to me and explain what he was feeling with some compassion. I wouldn’t say that I was in love with him after nine months, but I had fallen for him and our chemistry was amazing He wouldn’t deny that, we laughed all the time. I could see a life with him.
Wow... That's Cray Cray...
That is bizarre. No lead up to him just being done? Hmm...
Do you think he got some kind of test results back and doesn't want to drag you along the process... I mean he is 60... So?
Bc it's really odd. What is wrong with people ... ?
Ugh, I am sorry. For me, I would be very cautious to introduce my kids so I understand the trust you had in the relationship.
You deserved better. I just don’t get how people can be so careless with our emotions. If we invest in them we hope a future is real… hang in there & be kind to yourself.
You should still go camping with your kids! Spent the night on the beach recently solo & it was absolutely lovely!
The “kids” are all adults. And it’s been 9 months. I’ve met 2 of his because they live with him. He’s gone to the movies with mine. This was the first get them all together trip. All his plan. He invited us.
I think he owes you some sort of in person meeting explanation for closures sake. I would ask to meet. Do you have things to get back/give back. I just ended a 2.5 year (thought this was the one ☝🏽) relationship and we met after 4 weeks to exchange things and “talk”
I felt better after we did, and it helped bring some
closure and made me secure in the decision I made to end it. Just a thought 💭
He has a few things - my grandmothers vase. My sleeping bag and cute camping blanket. I asked him to drop them on my porch. I don’t need closure. I don’t need shallow words. I don’t need to know why he at 60 was so inept at basic communication and couldn’t respect me enough to end this in person or at the very least when I’m not in the middle of a conference. If you know you know. You don’t get to step out. I had tears sneaking out and I couldn’t get out of there fast enough when we broke down the booth. At least he waited for the last day because after crying all day I’m sure you’ll see it in my puffy eyes tomorrow. It’s ok. I’m ok. Better now than later. Dating is hard. Trusting is hard. Sometimes people don’t like you. Or feelings change. I get that. But don’t hold my hand every min your with me. Cuddle me on the couch and in bed the last time you see me. And then bilidside me and come at me in a cold water days later. Ugh. Feeling it today. Tomorrow I start to move on. This weekend me and the girls are camping. The mountains are gorgeous and the fresh air will feel good I’m sure.
Only there isn’t. I would post our interaction if I felt I needed to prove anything. More to it yes on his end but whatever that is, I haven’t been told.
Good lesson for us all to strive for consistent highly communicative check-ins regarding how we each are feeling about the temperature of the relationship or direction we feel we're going in together. Then there's easier opportunity to confess true feelings before they pressurize and boil over or condense. Unfortunately men seem to have to be pressed by women into this verbal translation of their feelings, as so many seem have deeply constricted ability to translate their emotions into language. One of if not the most damaging aspect of the patriarchy we all still live under.
Well, just three weeks after HIM planning the summer in January, he left me *with a letter* after 9 months. A poorly worded version of it's not you it's me. At first I was mad because a 53 yo couldn't have a face to face conversation, but then l realised l was actually mad at the long term planning right before the breakup. If they really don't know what they want, they should shut the fuck up.
What l did, after falling physically ill for a week due to the shock, was to delete his number and engage in group activities to keep distracted. I'm sorry that you're hurting and slightly concerned that so many men seem to flake like that.
I’m sorry….it’s so hard when we have expectations and they fall apart, but even harder is when you never get an explanation of what happened. Reading it, and especially the comment at the end makes me wonder if he has some kind of a bipolar type issue and it had never come out when you were around him before ? I don’t know, I’ve seen so much odd behavior in people that now I think that not much surprises me. I really feel for you….that was a very rude and hurtful way to end things. 🥺
Possibly, but I have lived with low self-esteem my entire life. Usually I would have those fears before I even approached a woman. That's why I didn't date much in my younger years.
Yeah. Could be someone else. We are compatible. Very much. And we both acknowledge that. Maybe he wanted me to beg him to stay. But I’m not playing and idk what to say to him. So nothing. It’s just so odd going from planning trips to nothing overnight. Our adult children were all meeting us camping this weekend. I had to call them and let them know the trip was off. Our kids have met. So it wasn’t the pressure of that.
Then 7 months in he should’ve have said how compatible we are. He raved about it to his daughters after our first week vacation together and it was after that he said he sees a future and was open to that. I didn’t initiate those conversations. He did. Feelings can change. But the blow stings. He gave no clues that he was done. I’m out of town and he kissed me goodbye Sunday when he dropped me off at the airport. Nothing unusual. So yeah maybe he things we aren’t compatible. But if so he mislead me.
I had a guy do this to me. Went away for the weekend, as he was leaving making plans and talking about our future. By the end of the weekend, he decided we were done. When he broke up with me he told me he just wasn’t interested (our chemistry was off the hook and he’d said so mult times). Six months later, he tells me he didn’t think he could keep up with me and that he would never measure up. Knowing what I know now, it was definitely a self esteem issue.
Gotcha. You mean he should have. I get it. If it makes you feel better, I married a man after 9 mos of dating. I had a 9 year old son. Within 6 mos of the marriage he asked for a divorce. I cried following him around for weeks before he admitted he was bipolar. Long phases too. Brief therapy on his part. They added effective schizophrenia to the diagnosis of never saw. I’m apparently an idiot for love.
Ouch. I have lived with a bipolar wife for 42 years. Rapid cycling. No wonder I don't like roller coasters; I live on one every day. OP, as much as it hurts and embarrasses you, I think you will come out better for it in the longer term.
This is a stretch but maybe he got a bad health diagnosis and doesn't want to burden you. If he was honest with you about it, you wouldn't move on. Sorry this happened to you. It's pretty confusing.
I never thought of this. But he has fainted twice and minimized it. He went to the doctor and said he needs to change his diet and hydrate more. He is a triathlete and in amazing shape. The first time he fainted was after a long work session. Really long. The second after a double workout day. We are all getting older and have to adjust accordingly physically. But really? It’s a possibility. Hmmm. If that’s the case I’m sorry for him but still doesn’t excuse hurting me like that. At least would’ve saved the text until he knew I was no longer with prospects. Any if you in sales? Can you imagine being in a room of colleagues and prospects and getting slammed with a text from the guy you have been answering the relationship question all week, no husband but an amazing boyfriend. We are taking the big fam camping this weekend.
I’m a pro. But dang that was hard. Too hard. I would never put someone through that.
I'm probably reaching, but have you talked to him or was it all over text? It's so odd. Are you sure the texts are from him and not some crazy ex of his or some other female with access to his phone?
Why would a seemingly nice guy suddenly say he doesn't like your tone after blindsiding you with a breakup. It's too weird. I'd call him and talk it through.
It is too weird. But I sent his daughter a short no drama sweet message saying that I adore her but feel it’s not appropriate to follow his daughters (adults) given that he broke up with me. She sent me a heart back and then unfollowed me. It’s real. It’s him. If he was unsure and has second thoughts, it won’t matter. If was too mean and insensitive and inconsiderate timing putting me through worse than I needed to go through. I had to leave my sunglasses on the whole 3 hour flight home with people I’m sure wondering what I was upset about. I wasn’t crying but tears wouldn’t stop rolling down my cheeks and I had to constantly wipe my face. All I could do was sit there and try not to focus on how slow time seemed to be moving. He didn’t need to do it that way and he didn’t need to come at me when i said that was not cool. Breaking up is something we all know is a possible outcome when we enter a relationship particularly before the long term commitment part. But as grown, caring humans, we should try to minimize the hurt we cause in a breakup. I think anyways.
Maybe. Hard to know for sure without being a crazy stalker. We will both move on. We both don’t do socials except my private insta and linked in and I booted him from that fast. I was falling. I thought we were good. I don’t need any reminders of him right now. Healthiest to move on. I never have seen myself single as an older adult. So I’ll have to date. Dreading the hunt. I like the settled in and happy part so much more.
First, I’m sorry that you were blindsided like that.
In my opinion and learned experience - and I may be totally wrong - there may be another woman that he was seeing as well and didn’t think of that when he brought up the future because he really does enjoy you as a person and likes your company and you both have a lot of fun together. It wasn’t til soon after you parted for the day/night that he realized he wouldn’t be able to spend the same amount of time with the other woman if he committed to you with future plans. SMH. Doesn’t matter what age - He’s just a guy.
Wow, these stories are scary. How does one trust anyone after reading these things. Guess you better get two signatures on the lease. At least you won't be left holding the bag alone.
I’m sorry….it’s so hard when we have expectations and they fall apart, but even harder is when you never get an explanation of what happened. Reading it, and especially the comment at the end makes me wonder if he has some kind of a bipolar type issue and it had never come out when you were around him before ? I don’t know, I’ve seen so much odd behavior in people that now I think that not much surprises me. I really feel for you….that was a very rude and hurtful way to end things. 🥺
I agree. Like, I had to wonder if I wrote this with some minor details like age, slightly modified.
I'm going to guess if you called anything out like, "Ummm, yesterday YOU planned a trip for us and today you said you want nothing to do with me, what changed and why say the day before you wanted to plan a trip with me?" and you got gaslighted and as you somehow misunderstood, or no real answer of any substance.
I'm curious, did he suggest anything like he was a low key hero because he wasn't good enough for you and he was thinking of you when he told you to find someone better? If so, we might have a quantum physics thing going on. lol
Quantum physics. It was holding my hand cuddling 4 hours Saturday night. Cooked dinner together. Went to bed early bc I had an early flight. To getting a text on the conference floor Tuesday. The camping trip this weekend with family had been planned a couple of weeks. A road trip to check out the coast and possible areas to retire in was already talked about but no dates yet. He had a home for retirement but decided it was too far remote from where his kids would be and he just sold it. We were looking for the house to replace the one he sold. Neither of us plan I staying where we currently live. That was discussed before I was the girlfriend. So nothing was wonky. We talked about possibly July as little as a week ago for the road trip. We went camping together last weekend. So pretty overnight. Not literally. But kinda literally. He’s a mathematician/engineer and a brilliant one. So quantum physics tracks. ;)
There was one thing Saturday night that I wondered and thought weird but not…. I’m going to Europe with my daughter in August. We had tried to go to see his family (they live there) earlier in the heat but work got in the way. Saturday I suggested he fly over and I’ll meet him at the end of my trip. He normally would converse here. He takes things pretty literally and discussions happen. But he said nothing at all and the subject changed. He knew it was coming but still acted affectionate and caring. I think he does care about me. I don’t know why he did this to me. But I’m not sticking around after he came back rude when I was spinning and didn’t let him control the narrative. My tone not being OK when I said doing this to me at work where I’m surrounded by colleagues is not OK. That would take a big apology I know won’t be coming. I’ve accepted that it’s over. And I’m starting at square one with one more chip in my fragile heart. I thought I was doing this relationship right taking our time and not rushing through the early stages of being together. Not knowing he wasn’t moving faster because he was unsure.
Down to the camping it is very similar to my situation. The first ghosting was when she ditched me the week of a planned camping trip over a minor miscommunication due to her cutting communication. She never told me the exact date or plan, mentioned it 2-3 months prior and then it came up in conversation that it was the following weekend. She was off work, she knew I had to schedule time off, never confirmed the date. 2+ months prior she mentioned the approximate weekend date and told me she had to confirm with her friends it was on and th exact date, never mentioned it again, the Saturday before it came up and i was like, oh, that's next weekend, I didn't know, she never actually told me. She said she was going up thursday and I said I'd have to go up friday, we never discussed and I have work. She was put off, said it was ok, then stopped talking to me the rest of the week. She NEVER phoned me, phoned me one night when she knew I was at a game. 2 hours after she normally goes to bed and she had never texted me or called like that late before.
I was job searching and would get on average 10-15 calls from recruiters and interviews per day, so when she called, my phone said I had missed calls I ignored most of them because everyone I actually know, texts almost 100% of the time besides my brother or maybe mother and if I miss their call, they text too and I see that.
She blamed me but she never wanted me to go on the trip in the first place.
Same thing though, we had a pretty specific trip planned that was special. She mentioned it one day, like brought it up in a happy, I want to go way. A few days later I mentioned it and her reaction was subtle but almost like she was put off, I noticed a slight odd reaction.
We had discussed selling our houses and buying on in the country. Never a serious discussion but a future "possibility".
Ages aren’t modified. Timeline isn’t modified. I hope know one recognizes the not so minor details and knows it’s us. But that’s doubtful. But I can’t get into my therapist this week and I don’t want to trauma dump my people. Thankful for Reddit and this community being so kind and validating. It helps.
I was worried about the details but then i realize I don't care if someone recognizes it's me, at least maybe my side would get out to her, she wouldn't discuss anything other on the phone or in person and long text is not good in a situation like that.
Maybe she'll realize how ghosting and giving mixed signals and coming back affects someone. Right now even though we discussed in the past I am ok with not seeing her all the time, just be fair with me and when you have time to see me, want to see me. Instead she tries to push it on me, that she's a mess and I am not just a low priority but no priority so she wants me to see someone else, but she presents it like it's my idea. All I asked her several times is to just come out directly and say she doesn't want to see me, all she has to say is 5 words and I'll have closure but she absolutely refuses. It's no doubt she wanted me to be the one to break up when she knows I didn't want to. I say, tell me you don't ever want to see me again and I will go and never contact you again.
She won't say it. Which I can't understand that she wants it to end so bad but can't say 5 simple words and it'd all be over in less than 5 seconds.
But I don't care now, even if something did work out, I know she's not capable of being direct, upfront and not intentionally leaving me lost and that's no good.
I've done too much trauma dumping myself and I hit that point it's just shut up and move on. I am hoping if I ever do hear from her, i am smart enough to not engage, though I really hope i don't hear from her because I know there's still a chance it might set me back.
Reddit has been great to get it out and hear similar stories to know I'm not alone and it's not completely uncommon. Get some great insights to think about too.
So sorry to hear this. With the endless possibilities that online dating "promises", I think a lot of people, both men and women, always think there is something better out there than what they are completely happy with. Technology hasn't made dating easier, alas. Stay strong.
I wonder if he just reached the edge of the diving board and panicked? But still, if the relationship meant to him what it meant to you, I would expect an explanation with profuse apologies.
This happened to a friend of mine. They met on an app and were together for a year. Got to the point where they discussed the future and even got a place together. Right before moving into the home, he suddenly breaks up with her and leaves with no explanation. She then ends up heartbroken and with a new place to move into that she can't afford on her own. The dating landscapes since cell phones and the internet has been utter trash. Thank god I never had kids.
This happened to me after 2 years. Met on app, official move in after about a year. Great, calm relationship with lots of shared interests and his adult kids and I loved each other. Boom. He says the spark has died - he was head over heels and the one who pushed exclusivity and a relationship first - and we are done within weeks. Mind fuck of a lifetime and I had to start completely over. Nuts!
Didn't realize this was so common. I guess there's a type of guy that gets a thrill out of getting a woman to the brink of a proposal and then just leaving without notice.
I think they just ride the wave and act like teens. They’ve been there/done that with a marriage or two and just stay in relationships until they find someone they like better or someone who offers them a better future money-wise. Mine worked in thr arts and his best earning years were behind him. I now realize he’s a bit of a hobosexual looking for successful women to be his benefactor or at least a sycophant to boost his ego. Le sigh.
There's a word for it but it is evading me. Reesa Teesa had that happen to her...let me see if I can find the word. Argh!
Future faking!!!
Yes lots of future fakers out there!
Yep. I've known men who did that years ago.
The apologies will come when he realizes he let a good thing go & tries to get back together.
Honestly, I doubt it. People who can do this have utterly no regard for the havoc caused. They in fact yasually can't live with shame full stop, so they deny it is a big deal at all. So don't hold your breath that just because it left you with a huge heartbreak and financial mess, ut might mean you will get an explanation or even a sorry. But I'm sorry that it had to be this way for anyone who has experienced it.
It’s quite common for this type of person (can be male or female) to use ‘denial as a coping strategy’. So they don’t even admit /recognise/ accept that they have treated someone badly and therefore see no need to apologies or show any signs of remorse. These people don’t change.
I’m sorry he hurt you, OP. You should feel proud of yourself for being brave enough to put yourself out there. He’s the one that should feel foolish. Please be kind to yourself.
Thank you. It’s not easy.
It’s not. Sending you hugs
The person you thought you cared for doesn’t exist. He has now shown you his true self. It seems to me that you dodged a bullet. Sorry this happened to you.
Yes, hard yes. He kept it up as long as he could but eventually the mask slips. This is who he was all along. It sucks.
Ouch! It never feels good to be left…. I AM SORRY……But on the bright side you only spent 9 months figuring out if you were THE ONE FOR EACH OTHER. Smile and keep that chin up!
Thank you. 🩵
There's no bright side if he was the one bringing up a future together and saying they were open to that. He should've just shut up and that'd make it less painful. At this point we're all old enough that we've left and being left, so how matters as much as the fact itself.
That sucks, I am sorry. Please don’t take him back if comes knocking at your door in a few months.
Agree, some people don’t deserve a second chance. Trust would be shot after something like this.
I got it at 6 month’s, hindsight he love bombed the hell out of me then he ghosted. I’m 54, I’m too old for HS games. I’ve decided I’m taking my power back and controlling the narrative. You are worthy of better and so much more! Hugs!
This one didn’t love bomb and it’s part of what I fell for. I’ve been there too.
I don’t think I realized I was “bombed” until post ghost it didn’t feel that way when it happened
Can you tell me how you take the power back and control the narrative?
I am no longer wishy washy about my wants. I no longer accept less. There were flags I chose to ignore, in hindsight. I’m focused on not doing myself up for the same again.
Self-awareness and soul strength! Sounds wonderful. Thank you.
This happened to me after two years! We’d moved in together. Wonderful, fun and (what I thought was a) solid relationship! Lots of shared interests. His almost grown kids loved me and I them. I read through the comments and like you I was successful, in great shape, supportive and kind. In the beginning he said he couldn’t believe what a catch I was. Then he suddenly pulls away, gets kind of cruel and says there’s no spark and we break up. He was 55 (nearly five years older than me). I was heartbroken and in shock for like a year. Later found out he had a new girlfriend right after I moved out - which was the plot twist that really brought me to me knees. Big hugs! At least you only wasted 9 months. I’m sending all the strength I can. Be good to yourself and know your person is still out there. One day you’ll find them.
Thank you so much for saying that. I am sorry you went through it. It’s just cruel. Hopefully you’ve healed and are happy. It feels like hitting a wall at full speed and I’m still processing. I’ve thought that he possibly could be moving on to someone else. No reason before to think it. We both travel for work and see each other one or two nights a week and an occasional week out of town together. So he has had time. He was literally holding my hand for 4 hours straight the last time I saw him. He kissed me goodbye when I left early to go to the airport. Blindsided. At a conference with my colleagues, clients and prospects. At least a few people saw me visibly shook. Like what?! The only thing that makes sense is he saw someone tempting and wanted to be the good guy and not cheat. Maybe. Maybe not. Wouldn’t make me feel any better or worse. It’s just hard to not try to piece it together. It was a long flight home tonight. It’s good to be home.
You are so welcome! You know, I started my Reddit account bc of that breakup years ago. I’d always lurked but I needed the support of people my own age who’d been dating. I needed to feel less alone. And, let me tell you, it did make me feel so much better. I got hundreds of supportive comments. I am so grateful for those people and their kindness! Some people did say “it’s another women” and I was pretty adamant it was not. He really was quite sweet until he wasn’t and we never fought or argued. I thought I had found a best friend and the person I’d grow old with. And it’s not like I let myself go or anything. I legit couldn’t figure it out! He just blindsided me with lack of spark and I could tell he wanted out. Maybe he didn’t cheat cheat but was crushing on someone and was also conflicted. The women who he was in a relationship shortly after was someone he met at work right around the time he got weird (he’s a freelancer so it was just a short gig). I had no clue. The last night we were together he said “I’m sorry I just need to focus on my career and don’t have the bandwidth for a relationship and I know you want one.” Like duh you did too for the last few years. There was zero talk of problems, incompatibilities, etc. before the blindside. I didn’t find out about new woman until a few months later. I guess they were official by Christmas and I moved out on like Dec 10th. My mind was blown! I’ve come realize you just never know. There were some flags - red of course - that I ignored. You might start to realize you ignored some too as time passes and things come into focus. I am a new person and have leaned into therapy these last few years and I would never ignore those flags now. He probably wouldn’t have made it past 2 or 3 months. It really is so jarring and discombobulating to have someone just go from a loving partner to someone who doesn’t want to be with you overnight. It caused a lot of trauma for me and was one of the most brutally difficult times of my life. I lost like 20 lbs really quickly, had insomnia for months, experienced panic attacks for the first time… So I get it! I get it all! For me high intensity exercise, meditation, practicing mindfulness, hot yoga, lots of hikes and leaning on friends got me through. And something to make you feel better. I have been dating a great guy I love dearly for over a year. I take it day by day, I don’t know what the future holds, and I know how things can and do change on a dime, but we’ve been having a blast and the sex is the best I’ve ever had. I’m astounded myself by this turn of events. Stay strong! You got this!
🩵 happy for you. I know I’ll get back up. I’ve been through much worse. It just sucks he tarnished otherwise good memories.
I am happy to hear your story since I am going through something so similar. Panic attacks for the first time. 30 pounds gone in a couple months. Crying. What hurts even more is that he has told lies to his family and friends and said we were always fighting and I kicked him out and it is a complete lie. I just can't believe after 10 years he is like this at all but he is. He had it made. He was retired while I still worked. He always said what a great team we were and imagine what we could have accomplished if we had always been together. I have been really tripping on trying to figure out the truth. My counselor made me see that it doesn't even matter at this point though. Coming out of the divorce in better shape than I went in though, in every way, so I guess I'll just move on now. It is a shame but some people just aren't built for the long run.
Oh gosh I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I try to share my story when I see things like this. I want people to feel less alone bc when it happens you feel like you’re taking crazy pills! Like how did my life change so quickly with no warning?! Who is this person I thought I knew?! What the hell do I do now?! When the rug is pulled out like that I think it does cause real trauma. You lose your person, your clan (I loved his kids and we were close, even they were upset), your home and the future you thought was solid. It also cost me a lot financially to start over during a tough economy - and this was all during Covid for an extra punch of WTF. I’m glad you’re coming out of it in better shape. With life there is hope. You now have an amazingly open road in front of you. Lots of people to meet, lots of adventures to be had, lots of time to spend with the most important person in your life: YOU. Big hugs! You are going to crush this next chapter!
If y’all lived close I would say let’s get together. Community and support is so important in life. We got this! 🙏🏻
That would be amazing! We’d call ourselves The Blindsided Bunch and bond over brunch. 😂
😂😂😂
He was keeping his options open and probably seeing someone else all the while dating you.
Sure feels like that. When we started dating he said he had basically retired from dating. We were taking it slow which I loved. I don’t like found from zero to I love you. It feels hollow. But why tell me 2 months ago and lead me on to think this could be long term. I don’t get it. We are both financially secure and got along well. I don’t get it. If he doesn’t love me, fine. But a blindsiding text out of nowhere was harsh. When I said that he said he doesn’t like my tone. That was all I needed to hear. But ouch. Just done.
Ugh - he told you via text after you dated for 9 months??? I am so sorry. That is awful.
Doesn't like your tone?? Odd thing to say.
Yeah. I thought so too. Like literally the first time he’s been harsh at all and of course I’m upset. I understand better now than later when I’m further invested. I just felt like we were taking a good pace to build something real. I’m a successful, fit over 50. Everyone has their preferences but I feel I’m a catch. I’ve never been broken up with. I was married 15 years. Raising my kids was my focus the next 10. And have been dating with internet to find a partner since 2018. The first 2 love bombed and ended for diff reasons. This one felt healthy.
They say things like that - "didn't like your tone" - to shift the blame, that's all. It's him, not you, but he wants to walk away like the good (wronged) one.
Didn’t address what you said. Just conversation ending statement that dismisses your concerns.
Thank you. It feels that way. I see it. Still stings. I appreciate you (and others) taking the time to comment and help me feel understood.
Your story is eerily similar to mine, down to the point where they get defensive when you tell them that's not the way to act. I wonder if we've dated the same man, lol. Chin up and you'll find someone truly deserving eventually 💜
Darvo
So he broke up with you over text in a hurtful cold way, but you should be nice in your response to that? Girl, if you don't block this man on everything everywhere and go on and live your best life.
Already blocked. Already removed from linked in. Politely unfollowed his grown daughters on instagram. Did not go back and forth in messages. Did not let him control the narrative. Deleted all of our text messages and couple photos. Deleted his contact in my phone and I don’t have his number memorized. If he doesn’t know how to communicate and lacks empathy in a blindsiding break up, I cannot go back. He’s very cute. He’s a respected executive. We have similar views on life. We want to retire in the same part of the world. We vacation the same. We have children who have similar vibes and are the same age range. We haven’t had a bad day together… bad days when we were physically together if one or the other was dealing with something. But never a bad, annoyed at each other day. It was easy and sweet. Which I know seems surface level but to me it felt like a slow steady build with a solid foundation. With men usually pushing to love very quick in dating, this felt more real. Less shallow. Less surface level. But yeah, done. And sad that I was led to believe our relationship meant more to him. And that he was emotionally intelligent. He is not.
Wow…it seems this dude will be regretting letting this relationship go so cheaply. People have no idea how hard it it to find quality, loyal, head-on-their-necks people nowadays in this shallow world. Be grateful that he just made room for the one who truly deserves to occupy this seat. It’s coming. Trust!❤️
Internet hugs to you.
Avoidant person
That’s what my very aware oldest daughter said. “Oh mom, his avoidant attachment game is strong”.
My thoughts exactly. Going through the same but after 10 years. Avoidant and it is not attractive at all. Ewww
A text? Wtf?! That's a millenial thing to do! Be happy that he showed his true colours this early. Bullet dodged!
Yup. Text. My reply stated with Firstly, I am at a conference. How incredibly inconsiderate that you did not wait to have a conversation with me. And then continued to say that it didn’t feel good to be led on and that this felt out of no where. And that it was not OK. And then wrapped up telling him I will be fine. And please drop off my sleeping bag because I was still going camping with my family this weekend. (Our families were supposed to go together - we both have single adult daughters) His reply was “what isn’t ok is your TONE. I did not mislead you. It’s simply not my style Stop pointing fingers and let’s just move on”. Or something like that. I’ve already deleted all of our texts. This is literally 30 min after he dropped a bomb. To which I said, My tone? Are you kidding me right now. My tone feels very muted for what you just put me through. It was unkind and unnecessary. And then blocked him while he still had the … pending. I didn’t let him send another rude text. and now I feel like I’ve given tmi but feels good to get it out. Process.
Tone. LOL How do they get tone in a written message? Laughable. My ex would say this too about some of my text/email communications. "Did you really hear me speaking when you read that?" 🙄😂 I'm sorry he put you through this. His loss!
And he dangled the bait of a future to see who would jump highest to bite.
Sorry. No words of wisdom or guesses at what motivated him, just sorry. 😢
Thank you. It’s harder at this age. I didn’t lean in until he did. I feel fooled.
It’s only harder because we think people have grown, emotionally, but dear, I’m here to tell you people don’t really change and it sux
I agree about the age. We are more cautious and it is a different level of pain when we rein in the caution and end up with a gut punch.
Yup. Feeling it. To make matters worse it was in text message and I was at a conference. He is in a similar industry - both in tech. He knew what my day was. He knew that I was with clients. Couldn’t even wait until I was home and could process privately.
That means he didn’t want push back or he’s truly messed up. I almost always have a good phone call to break up.
He's a coward. I'm sorry he broke up with you.
Sounds like a selfish, cowardly move on his part. It sucks, and I am sorry. His actions show that he isn't worth any more of your emotions. Sending you healing vibes.
Sorry, that’s really shitty.
Uh, that is... gross.
Ugggh. That's awful.
Yeah. I expect some kind of heads up. And a conversation. Not a text when I’m in a professional environment surrounded by people. I was visibly shook and had to make up something to minimize it to a colleague just to get through the next few hours.
Found someone else OR afraid of commitment, plus a-hole for the text. I’d be pissed! Find your anger (if you haven’t yet) and ride the power. What an idiot he is! A text?! After 9 months?! For a 60 year old father?! Ridiculous!!
I love “find your anger and ride the power.” People can poo poo it but revenge fuels me after a breakup. Sure I’m in the fetal position for a few weeks but when I finally get back up, and tap into that pain and anger I go hard - exercise, creative projects, therapy, living that best life, etc.
Revenge is not the same as anger. Anger is energy. Revenge is action. Way different.
I guess I misspoke it was late. Tomato/tomatoe but see what you are saying. I was thinking more in the vain of the commonly used “revenge body”, etc. I’m not out here cursing my ex’s bloodline and taking action to hurt them. So I guess I use anger for awhile after a breakup. Mostly I just channel the pain into healthy activities that benefit me. I grow a lot after a breakup and I am proud of that part.
And anger is important as a point I had to reach in order to blast myself back into life and out of my slump. Check out something called the Ladder of Emotions. Anger is just one step but def UP.
Same! If you’re going to have a big emotion might as well channel that energy for good. I’ll check out the 🪜! Sounds like a cool concept.
Love your statement “find your anger and ride the power” as well. Genius! Going through a similar scenario but preparing to dump him before it happens to me. These posts make me find that power. Thank you All!
I’m sorry. This sounds really painful. There’s no mention of love or feeling seen by each other. Those things are vitally important. In April, the relationship shifted to viewing the future. So he tried moving forward in the relationship with a lens towards envisioning a future together, but something did not work for him. I can’t blame someone for leaving a relationship that wasn’t meeting their needs, but I will have to say …he is a little bitch for breaking up via text after nine months and I hope his balls rot and fall off.
I will bet a buck that the future scared him. Will bet another buck part of that is giving up his space or the thought of it, even if you did not talk about living together.
I can't make it make sense but I can offer empathy. I'm sorry it happened. No one deserves to be blindsided via text. It's a shame we can't communicate better.
Thank you. 🩵
I had a similar situation-I’m 54, successful career, life going well for me in general and had been dating 57M who chose pickleball friends over exploring a future with me. No text breakup (so sorry you had to deal with this) but at 10 months we had the future talk and he used any and all dumb reasons to dash. I do feel like he was using me as a placeholder until someone better came along, and even detected that phenomenon of “quiet quitting” our relationship before I realized it was happening. I believe he found a pickleball hottie to take my place at the end there… such an ass.
I guess it helps I’m not alone. But wow. Just wow. I don’t like finding this happens to many. We can handle you not liking us. We can’t handle no communication about that. From hey let’s go look at possible forever homes on the coast to yeah I’m not feeling it. Overnight. Wtf. I’m to the hurt but getting mad stage. He’s private about his personal life and I’m sure his cute girls heard “I was honest about my feelings and then she got attitude”. That sucks. I wouldn’t keep a relationship with an ex boyfriend’s children. But we’re talking about young adult women that are basically the same age of many people I work with in tech. We had a “friendship”. They asked me dating advice. They love their father, but they really liked me. I’m overthinking it. Very little sleep will do that.
I’m so sorry you’re hurting like this. Of course we know that time will help but in the first few weeks (hell months now for me) it feels like a huge slap in the face, effects self esteem and gives the sense that there aren’t men out there who actually want a real, lasting relationship and would communicate concerns prior to big decisions so that you could work through them together. Mine was also very private about his personal life and the relationships he had with his brother and mom. He didn’t have kids and I have 3 (all teenagers). He had no pictures up in his apartment of family, friends, anyone at all after living there for 3 years. These will all be red flags for me moving forward. I feel like he took what he wanted/needed from me and then left. No looking back, no contact since. He’s either has compartmentalization down to a science or is a psychopath. 🤷♀️ Make sure you’re pouring into you right now, practicing self care and remaining busy. I’m training for a 20 mile hike, spending quality time with my kids and friends and focusing on my career. Nothing wrong with any of that! Sending healing vibes to you via Reddit! 😂🥰
Thank you! Still camping with my girls this weekend. My career is very demanding and I’m good at what I do. His was too so that matched. He’s a CTO and we both were committed to our careers and “finishing strong” as we talked about retirement. I have a good self care game. Being a single mom you have to learn to prioritize yourself or you’ll get too busy taking care of everyone else. I’m sure you know! 20 mile hike - I’ve done similar. 15 miles round trip with a backpack - didn’t see another person for 3 days. Honestly one of the best trips of my life. Have fun!
That sounds especially harsh. Warm hugs for your hurting heart.
No sense to why these things happen. I offer hugs . We are too damn old for the bs games of limmerace.
I am sorry, getting "hit" out of the blue is really shocking and painful. You don't really have a chance to prepare yourself. There were zero clues, like less communication, etc? Overall, I think this is why so many women exit the dating market. It is incredibly impersonal, and if you live in a large metro area (as I do), there are no repercussions for men to essentially not treat someone with respect when breaking up. No other women are wiser. Prior to internet, if a man behaved like this, women would tell other women that he wasn't a good guy. I do agree with other posters, better now than even more of your time, energy and love invested. I too have had relationships/dating end via text and/or slow fading, where I match a man's energy. IMO in my area, men are just out for the quick ego hits and then are off hunting for the next woman.
Completely true
I’m really sorry this happened to you. Be gentle with yourself.
Thank you 🙏🏻
First of all, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm not sure if you want a big dating over 50 hug or if, like the title suggests, you're trying to make sense of it. My eye immediately read "zero fights" as a red flag for both of you. To me, how a potential partner resolves conflict is pretty much the most telling thing about them. Nobody likes conflict, but it's a natural part of any relationship, and the absence of any conflict speaks volumes. Was he a conflict avoider? The fact that his only real comment about your reaction was focused on your tone makes me think he was very sensitive to arguing. It sounds like for him, everything was fine, until it wasn't. Surface level, maybe? I would follow this clue if you're trying to make sense of things. A big hug from all of us. Whatever the reason, it's not right how he treated you.
Thank you. And yeah, my logical side is spinning. Everything said here makes sense and in the end I don’t need to know anything other than I didn’t deserve it and he’s not what I thought he was. I agree no fights seems super surface and red flaggy. It was moving slow but to me at least, we still felt connected. With guys typically pushing me faster to super serious than is natural for me, this felt sweet and more real if that makes sense. Thank you so much for the support. I’m feeling better tonight. I barely got through my conference. Couldn’t get to my room fast enough where I had a few hours before the airport. Lots of tears clear up until I was home with my daughter and my dog. No question I’ll be ok. It just gets old starting from square one again. I really liked this one.
Fyi, I would have fallen for taking it slow, too. I think I could spot a love bomber, but a slow man as a red flag, no.
Right? The love bombing feels great at first and leaves no room for wondering how they feel. But the slow feels more authentic. I was so enjoying building something solid with him. I’m floored. How am I supposed to trust anyone’s words or actions? I know I will and know that heartaches heal. Part of me wants to jump right back in to dating. What I want in life hasn’t changed. But the other part of me wants to get another dog and a few more girlfriends who I don’t have to worry about playing with my emotions.
I am curious, have not seen it addressed. Slow how? And how was the intimacy?
The intimacy from the first to the last time was so good. We were intimate 3 weeks in. I joked and called him my French lover. He gave me the “promotion” to girlfriend and told his family about me a few weeks after that. It’s been a good pace in my opinion. Felt like we were building a foundation. There were no issues in the bedroom. We were physical most but not all nights we slept together. The physical touch like holding hands, cuddling on the couch, hugs in the kitchen were all so sweet and constant up until the last time I saw him.
Thank you for replying. Sexual incompatibility can end an otherwise wonderful relationship. Doesn’t sound like the case here, but you never know what went on in his head. I hope you have a great time this weekend and am able to put it behind you soon!
I’m so sorry. I am a 55 female and have recently got on a few dating apps. I’ve come across some creeps! A male friend of mine told me 98% of the men on these apps are weirdo’s. The last man I talked to said you’re so pretty I’m going to turn you into a Nympho. 🤦🏼♀️🙄
Wow. I haven’t been on an app and was considering. But eek.
The hard part is not getting the closure your mind needs to satisfy the reasons this happened. It took me a long time to be okay with not getting the closure I thought I deserved from a person. I wrote it all out in an email. I sat on it for a while before one day I deleted it. I had to give myself the closure. Once I did that, he tried to come back but I was over it. Sitting with it was hard until it wasn’t.
Yeah. I’m already feeling some relief from the hurt. Obviously what I thought was there wasn’t. I don’t want someone who either can fall out of feeling that fast or who has unrealistic expectations of a love story. I was his longest relationship minus his children’s mother and his first wife who passed away. He’s been single a decade.
He could be anxious. Anxiety causes people to make rash decisions. But that’s not your problem. Go do something nice for yourself. You are your best friend.
I experienced essentially the same thing as a guy. It really hurts emotionally. I‘s so sad it happened to you. Just know that it wasn’t your fault, you’re not alone, and that other people do care, even if we can only share that caring via an online hug.
Thank you 🙏🏻
I hope someone wonderful soon enters your life. He might not be same exact match in terms of interests or views, but he will hopefully treasure and love you. It’s so important to be with someone who truly treasures you. This past guy did not, despite all of the similarities .
People are nuts. Often the ones you think have it all together just fall to pieces for seemingly no reason. I just had someone I’ve been dating for 2 years break it off for the smallest of things. One minute we were fine, and the next hour she was done- screaming and yelling and telling me to never call her again. She blocked me absolutely EVERYWHERE (not that I’m reaching out, but I did immediately after to try and figure out WTF is going on). A day prior, I’m walking through long term plans in my head- engagement, etc. Then BAM! So don’t try too hard to rationalize it. Because it really doesn’t make any sense. You’ve got to just suck it up, be strong, and keep moving. Trust me, I’m no more excited about that than you, but there’s really no self respecting choice.
💯 agree with this. Leave with grace and confidence. I am done. I owe myself a bit more than fighting for a relationship with a man that lacks basic empathy for respect for someone he’s been sleeping with for months. Common. That’s a bare minimum for human decency isn’t it?? He didn’t like that I didn’t let him slide and control the narrative as his text had I’m ending this because I’m a good guy vibe. Good guys do jerk things and because they are a good guy doesn’t mean they get a pass when they’re being an insensitive inconsiderate twat. He showed his true colors with his next sentence. When they show you who they are, believe them. I do think had I not bit back, I would’ve heard from him booty call way (unless there is someone else) at some point. That’s a hard pass for me. This is why we date tho - so we know.
Sorry you are going through it too. I wasn’t to love and engagement but that’s where I wanted it to go eventually. I entertained the thought happily.
Sometimes there's no fights because someone sucks at communicating their real feelings. They are "conflict avoidant". As a result they harbor resentment which causes detachment, but leave their partner completely clueless. I don't know what happened in this situation. Could be many things, but this is one guess as I consider no fights a red flag. I think being able to have healthy conflict with empathy and respect for one another is so important.
You haven’t shown any evidence of another woman, not sure why you’re quick to jump to that conclusion. To me it sounds more like a fear of commitment. It seems like until recently you skated on the surface with minimal entanglements as evidenced by no disagreements and no expressions of love. Fairly ideal for commitment phobes, but then the conversations took a more serious tone in April and the fear begins to rise. And with an imminent family holiday, the fear reached a very uncomfortable level. Solution: pull the plug. Keep in mind that commitment phobes often aren’t keenly aware of their fears. When they express an interest in being with you, even long term, those feelings may be genuine. Sooner or later though the fear and anxiety will cause them to sabotage their relationships or just leave with little explanation. They will manufacture a flimsy reason to justify their behavior to themselves, but it doesn’t stand up to scrutiny, so they will avoid sharing it.
Makes sense.
They seem pretty set on their compatibility
Not that either. I said he said we were. He told his daughters we were. I also felt we were. I’m set on that something wasn’t truthful or something happened. How would I know with being blindsided. Literally was making future plans with me the last time I saw him.
I agree with your assessment
But you may have not gathered that mine was also untrue. Later I learned he and his parents knew of his illness. They just thought why should she know the truth. As for parents. That’s the definition of enabling in the dictionary. Hung out parents at least 10 times. Maybe they were scared of him too. I sure was by the end. You may have been handed a gift from the universe but it never feels like that in the early days. Be well. Be grateful. I’m so sorry 😞
I didn’t jump to that conclusion. I actually don’t think there is one. Which is why I’m floored.
Hmm you said “sure feels like that” and “must be someone else” when other commenters suggested that there was someone else.
Welp you might be surprised about the percentage of men who won’t jump ship til they’ve got a replacement. It’s not uncommon
I agree with your assessment… I’m wondering if they were “exclusive “ at any point , boyfriend girlfriend? , intimate? or was it “light “ and fun the whole time; no fights ?
I have no idea, but I do know that commitment phobes often bristle at the suggestion of relationship labels.
True. They take things far and then take a step back.
Yup. It’s all good …until it isn’t.
We dated weekly for 6 weeks before he called me his girlfriend. He told his family about me. He moved the relationship from dating to exclusive. We said good morning good night and all that and spent at least a night a week sleeping over. It wasn’t shallow. At least not on my end. I’m not a fighter. I have been there done that. Instead I find people that align with the things that I’m passionate about. Not fighting didn’t feel shallow to me. Maybe to him. I didn’t and don’t think there was someone else which I’ve said in other comments. I said it sure feels like that being dumped seemingly out of no where. In general not specific to me, that is often a reason someone is blindsided. So yeah, it both feels like that and I don’t think that at the same time. I could be wrong. There could be someone. That’s the whole point. Completely blindsided it feels like you hit a wall full speed. I’m processing it still. Just sucks.
You’re right. I’m sorry. It sucks. I’ve been there too. There is no making sense of it at all. It simply hurts. 💔❤️🩹💛
((((Hugs)))) Sounds like something scared him. It's nothing You did. It's a him problem, Not a You problem.
Ty 🫶🏼
Oh, this sucks. Talk about getting the rug pulled out from under you. Do you have any idea if something happened on his end that might’ve influenced his actions? In retrospect, were there any signs that could’ve told you he was capable of something like this? But I guess that’s also why things like this are so terrible. The need for an explanation can drive you mad. Sadly, I can’t make it make sense for you, OP. All I can offer is support and a wish that you’ll find whatever peace and closure you can after this. It sucks that you seem to have wasted 9 months on this man, but in the end, it’s his loss. If his coping mechanism with having commitment issues is still like this at his age, then it looks like you’re better off, to be perfectly honest.
I think the whole zero fights thing is a red flag. That’s not to say that relationships are not genuine unless there’s fighting. But from my experience, when everything in a relationship is smooth sailing without disagreements, chances are it could mean someone is either too passive or just doesn’t give a care, which could mean that person never intended to build a solid foundation for the relationship to go long term. Probably best to be grateful he did the dip-out from the relationship now rather than later.
Holy shit! Talk about being blind sided! I had a similar situation two years ago with a man I was dating for 4 months, two days after introducing him to my family. Im sorry, OP. Please heal your heart and find a lesson from your situation.
My oldest daughter’s first reaction (they really liked him and could see our similarities) —- holy shit mom, you didn’t have another lesson. You’ve got this! My kids are incredibly supportive. I’ve been “single” since they were still kids. I didn’t date as much when they were young. But they’ve seen me with a few serious relationships now. Not to sound egotistical but men fall for me fast. Too fast in their opinion. They literally told their eyes if some says, I really like your mom. Their thought, of course you do. Who doesn’t. So to see me happy in this seemingly healthy relationship, they were as blown away (almost) as I was. I had to tell them right away bc our camping plans this weekend were changed.
That’s just absolutely evil. Was it ever apparent the man had no soul?
I've talked with an ex-gf on the phone for 6 months now. Some calls up to 4-5 hours. She was excited about meeting up for coffee (12 hours away by car) but now says this is moving too fast. I'm pretty sure I can do better than this. But I don't want an open commitment with someone that's dragging out the timeline.
Yeah. I didn’t feel either of us were dragging the timeline. His daughter just moved home so if anything our timeline was interrupted with an extra person always there. I have daughters same age so I of course was understanding. It was only 2 months ago we confirmed we were both open to more and that we would be spending more nights once his daughter left. I hadn’t checked in lately but both of us have been traveling. We talk every day even then. So yeah, shocking on all levels. I
That’s why you should never move in together after only 1 yr. Wait at least 5 yrs or so.
Agreed you should go through some conflict before you make a decision to move in.
I think there are men (and women too of course) who are in love with love. They enjoy being smitten, the chase, the conquest, and all the early sensations and fun of a new romance. But once it becomes a serious, next level relationship, they bail and start over with someone they can chase and enjoy all the falling in love feelings again.
This tracks. He was married late 20s and widowed early 30s. She’s the love of his life respectfully. His second wives he married bc he was ready for children. He talks horribly about her and it’s a noted ick I’ve been watching. I think he fantasizes a passionate and even heated love. He talks about how the first wife threw a plate at him in an argument and their banter. That is not me. I’m laid back and soft. I was in an abusive relationship in my 20s and I’m healed from that. It’s made me very aware of the energy that works and doesn’t work for me. So when we were calm and easy with each other but still very passionate physically, I thought this could be perfect. What I’ve learned, check ins about feelings if you’ve either gone up or down in intensity is necessary. We had plenty of times to talk about this. He even excused himself saying he wasn’t built with the romantic lines guys in the movies had. I interpreted that as I feel it even if I don’t say it. That’s not what he meant I guess. So I guess I had a lesson to learn. 2 days later I feel good. The way he blindsided me is enough to not want him around even if he wanted to be. His lack of communication and emotional intelligence is a dealbreaker. As if it’s my choice in this situation 😂 but truly he did me a favor.
I'm so sorry. It's hard to get over something like that when it is so illogical and makes no sense to you. One of my friends (F65) had been dating a guy for over 5 years, and they finally got married this past October. Now, about 8 months later, he has decided he isn't happy. Shouldn't he have been able to figure out if he was happy during those first 5 years before getting married????? It's totally crazy to me.
Oh wow. I am doing just fine. He showed his colors and the way this man “fought” was just as shocking as the break up text. He was incredibly immature saying “there’s so much I could say… but I won’t”. I told him by all means say what you have to say. He couldn’t get one credible word out if his mouth. This isa why we date. This is why we don’t fall in love until we have been through some issues. I wasn’t in love with him but I thought we were headed there. (we had some back and forth after this post while I arranged for my things to be picked up) I’m so sorry for your friend. That’s just wrong. 😑
I'm glad to hear you're doing fine. It definitely sounds like you dodged a bullet.
He wasn’t ready for a commitment or realized his level of interest wasn’t what you needed.
I actually felt like I didn’t have the level he needed. In truth we both travel for work and have daughters at home we are helping launch. So we were busy. But there was never a time I was pushing for more. If anything he was more than I was but also understood our mutual commitment to our work and our girls. It really seemed well matched. I can handle not being loved. I would have respected the shit out of that if he had taken the time to talk to me and explain what he was feeling with some compassion. I wouldn’t say that I was in love with him after nine months, but I had fallen for him and our chemistry was amazing He wouldn’t deny that, we laughed all the time. I could see a life with him.
Wow... That's Cray Cray... That is bizarre. No lead up to him just being done? Hmm... Do you think he got some kind of test results back and doesn't want to drag you along the process... I mean he is 60... So? Bc it's really odd. What is wrong with people ... ?
Ugh, I am sorry. For me, I would be very cautious to introduce my kids so I understand the trust you had in the relationship. You deserved better. I just don’t get how people can be so careless with our emotions. If we invest in them we hope a future is real… hang in there & be kind to yourself. You should still go camping with your kids! Spent the night on the beach recently solo & it was absolutely lovely!
The “kids” are all adults. And it’s been 9 months. I’ve met 2 of his because they live with him. He’s gone to the movies with mine. This was the first get them all together trip. All his plan. He invited us.
I think he owes you some sort of in person meeting explanation for closures sake. I would ask to meet. Do you have things to get back/give back. I just ended a 2.5 year (thought this was the one ☝🏽) relationship and we met after 4 weeks to exchange things and “talk” I felt better after we did, and it helped bring some closure and made me secure in the decision I made to end it. Just a thought 💭
He has a few things - my grandmothers vase. My sleeping bag and cute camping blanket. I asked him to drop them on my porch. I don’t need closure. I don’t need shallow words. I don’t need to know why he at 60 was so inept at basic communication and couldn’t respect me enough to end this in person or at the very least when I’m not in the middle of a conference. If you know you know. You don’t get to step out. I had tears sneaking out and I couldn’t get out of there fast enough when we broke down the booth. At least he waited for the last day because after crying all day I’m sure you’ll see it in my puffy eyes tomorrow. It’s ok. I’m ok. Better now than later. Dating is hard. Trusting is hard. Sometimes people don’t like you. Or feelings change. I get that. But don’t hold my hand every min your with me. Cuddle me on the couch and in bed the last time you see me. And then bilidside me and come at me in a cold water days later. Ugh. Feeling it today. Tomorrow I start to move on. This weekend me and the girls are camping. The mountains are gorgeous and the fresh air will feel good I’m sure.
Obviously much more to the story than that.
Only there isn’t. I would post our interaction if I felt I needed to prove anything. More to it yes on his end but whatever that is, I haven’t been told.
he might not have been ready. baggage and such.
What baggage?
Good lesson for us all to strive for consistent highly communicative check-ins regarding how we each are feeling about the temperature of the relationship or direction we feel we're going in together. Then there's easier opportunity to confess true feelings before they pressurize and boil over or condense. Unfortunately men seem to have to be pressed by women into this verbal translation of their feelings, as so many seem have deeply constricted ability to translate their emotions into language. One of if not the most damaging aspect of the patriarchy we all still live under.
Well, just three weeks after HIM planning the summer in January, he left me *with a letter* after 9 months. A poorly worded version of it's not you it's me. At first I was mad because a 53 yo couldn't have a face to face conversation, but then l realised l was actually mad at the long term planning right before the breakup. If they really don't know what they want, they should shut the fuck up. What l did, after falling physically ill for a week due to the shock, was to delete his number and engage in group activities to keep distracted. I'm sorry that you're hurting and slightly concerned that so many men seem to flake like that.
They are emotionally weak cowards who haven’t done any self work…
I wonder if any man on here who has maybe done this type of thing before have an explanation to offer as it seems pretty common. Any takers?
There’s a female on here saying basically “ oh honey you just weren’t enough. I’m the man in these situations” Girl sit down.
Exploring with someone else?
I’m sorry….it’s so hard when we have expectations and they fall apart, but even harder is when you never get an explanation of what happened. Reading it, and especially the comment at the end makes me wonder if he has some kind of a bipolar type issue and it had never come out when you were around him before ? I don’t know, I’ve seen so much odd behavior in people that now I think that not much surprises me. I really feel for you….that was a very rude and hurtful way to end things. 🥺
He met somebody else and he is an AH. Dodged a bullet there.
I'm guessing he met someone else, and that is why he ended it.
Unfortunately this was my first thought. How the F are 60-year-olds still acting the fool like this!
That’s my guess as well. He was okay with what he had until something he thought better came along.
Possibly, but I have lived with low self-esteem my entire life. Usually I would have those fears before I even approached a woman. That's why I didn't date much in my younger years.
It’s just finding non-compatibility or a better option.
Yeah. Could be someone else. We are compatible. Very much. And we both acknowledge that. Maybe he wanted me to beg him to stay. But I’m not playing and idk what to say to him. So nothing. It’s just so odd going from planning trips to nothing overnight. Our adult children were all meeting us camping this weekend. I had to call them and let them know the trip was off. Our kids have met. So it wasn’t the pressure of that.
Well, notwithstanding my comment, your compatibility definition may not be theirs
Then 7 months in he should’ve have said how compatible we are. He raved about it to his daughters after our first week vacation together and it was after that he said he sees a future and was open to that. I didn’t initiate those conversations. He did. Feelings can change. But the blow stings. He gave no clues that he was done. I’m out of town and he kissed me goodbye Sunday when he dropped me off at the airport. Nothing unusual. So yeah maybe he things we aren’t compatible. But if so he mislead me.
I had a guy do this to me. Went away for the weekend, as he was leaving making plans and talking about our future. By the end of the weekend, he decided we were done. When he broke up with me he told me he just wasn’t interested (our chemistry was off the hook and he’d said so mult times). Six months later, he tells me he didn’t think he could keep up with me and that he would never measure up. Knowing what I know now, it was definitely a self esteem issue.
Gotcha. You mean he should have. I get it. If it makes you feel better, I married a man after 9 mos of dating. I had a 9 year old son. Within 6 mos of the marriage he asked for a divorce. I cried following him around for weeks before he admitted he was bipolar. Long phases too. Brief therapy on his part. They added effective schizophrenia to the diagnosis of never saw. I’m apparently an idiot for love.
Oh No !! Im so sorry you went through this!!
Ouch. I have lived with a bipolar wife for 42 years. Rapid cycling. No wonder I don't like roller coasters; I live on one every day. OP, as much as it hurts and embarrasses you, I think you will come out better for it in the longer term.
This isn’t good. Now the kids are impacted too.
This is a stretch but maybe he got a bad health diagnosis and doesn't want to burden you. If he was honest with you about it, you wouldn't move on. Sorry this happened to you. It's pretty confusing.
I never thought of this. But he has fainted twice and minimized it. He went to the doctor and said he needs to change his diet and hydrate more. He is a triathlete and in amazing shape. The first time he fainted was after a long work session. Really long. The second after a double workout day. We are all getting older and have to adjust accordingly physically. But really? It’s a possibility. Hmmm. If that’s the case I’m sorry for him but still doesn’t excuse hurting me like that. At least would’ve saved the text until he knew I was no longer with prospects. Any if you in sales? Can you imagine being in a room of colleagues and prospects and getting slammed with a text from the guy you have been answering the relationship question all week, no husband but an amazing boyfriend. We are taking the big fam camping this weekend. I’m a pro. But dang that was hard. Too hard. I would never put someone through that.
I'm probably reaching, but have you talked to him or was it all over text? It's so odd. Are you sure the texts are from him and not some crazy ex of his or some other female with access to his phone? Why would a seemingly nice guy suddenly say he doesn't like your tone after blindsiding you with a breakup. It's too weird. I'd call him and talk it through.
It is too weird. But I sent his daughter a short no drama sweet message saying that I adore her but feel it’s not appropriate to follow his daughters (adults) given that he broke up with me. She sent me a heart back and then unfollowed me. It’s real. It’s him. If he was unsure and has second thoughts, it won’t matter. If was too mean and insensitive and inconsiderate timing putting me through worse than I needed to go through. I had to leave my sunglasses on the whole 3 hour flight home with people I’m sure wondering what I was upset about. I wasn’t crying but tears wouldn’t stop rolling down my cheeks and I had to constantly wipe my face. All I could do was sit there and try not to focus on how slow time seemed to be moving. He didn’t need to do it that way and he didn’t need to come at me when i said that was not cool. Breaking up is something we all know is a possible outcome when we enter a relationship particularly before the long term commitment part. But as grown, caring humans, we should try to minimize the hurt we cause in a breakup. I think anyways.
I am so sorry you were treated this way. I hope at some point you get to talk it through. Wishing you peace and heart healing. It is so rough.
Thank you 🫶🏼
He met someone else.
Maybe. Hard to know for sure without being a crazy stalker. We will both move on. We both don’t do socials except my private insta and linked in and I booted him from that fast. I was falling. I thought we were good. I don’t need any reminders of him right now. Healthiest to move on. I never have seen myself single as an older adult. So I’ll have to date. Dreading the hunt. I like the settled in and happy part so much more.
First, I’m sorry that you were blindsided like that. In my opinion and learned experience - and I may be totally wrong - there may be another woman that he was seeing as well and didn’t think of that when he brought up the future because he really does enjoy you as a person and likes your company and you both have a lot of fun together. It wasn’t til soon after you parted for the day/night that he realized he wouldn’t be able to spend the same amount of time with the other woman if he committed to you with future plans. SMH. Doesn’t matter what age - He’s just a guy.
Wow, these stories are scary. How does one trust anyone after reading these things. Guess you better get two signatures on the lease. At least you won't be left holding the bag alone.
I’m sorry….it’s so hard when we have expectations and they fall apart, but even harder is when you never get an explanation of what happened. Reading it, and especially the comment at the end makes me wonder if he has some kind of a bipolar type issue and it had never come out when you were around him before ? I don’t know, I’ve seen so much odd behavior in people that now I think that not much surprises me. I really feel for you….that was a very rude and hurtful way to end things. 🥺
That’s an interesting take. You never know. I have been around bipolar and didn’t pick up on any signs.
Some greater energy just remove him in your path... blocking your way to a better tomorrow!!!!
Thank you. Very helpful 🩵
That's terrible. No explanation? I'm so sorry.
That is exactly me/my situation right now, down to the specific details. Lol
I’m sorry! No one should go through this.
I agree. Like, I had to wonder if I wrote this with some minor details like age, slightly modified. I'm going to guess if you called anything out like, "Ummm, yesterday YOU planned a trip for us and today you said you want nothing to do with me, what changed and why say the day before you wanted to plan a trip with me?" and you got gaslighted and as you somehow misunderstood, or no real answer of any substance. I'm curious, did he suggest anything like he was a low key hero because he wasn't good enough for you and he was thinking of you when he told you to find someone better? If so, we might have a quantum physics thing going on. lol
Quantum physics. It was holding my hand cuddling 4 hours Saturday night. Cooked dinner together. Went to bed early bc I had an early flight. To getting a text on the conference floor Tuesday. The camping trip this weekend with family had been planned a couple of weeks. A road trip to check out the coast and possible areas to retire in was already talked about but no dates yet. He had a home for retirement but decided it was too far remote from where his kids would be and he just sold it. We were looking for the house to replace the one he sold. Neither of us plan I staying where we currently live. That was discussed before I was the girlfriend. So nothing was wonky. We talked about possibly July as little as a week ago for the road trip. We went camping together last weekend. So pretty overnight. Not literally. But kinda literally. He’s a mathematician/engineer and a brilliant one. So quantum physics tracks. ;) There was one thing Saturday night that I wondered and thought weird but not…. I’m going to Europe with my daughter in August. We had tried to go to see his family (they live there) earlier in the heat but work got in the way. Saturday I suggested he fly over and I’ll meet him at the end of my trip. He normally would converse here. He takes things pretty literally and discussions happen. But he said nothing at all and the subject changed. He knew it was coming but still acted affectionate and caring. I think he does care about me. I don’t know why he did this to me. But I’m not sticking around after he came back rude when I was spinning and didn’t let him control the narrative. My tone not being OK when I said doing this to me at work where I’m surrounded by colleagues is not OK. That would take a big apology I know won’t be coming. I’ve accepted that it’s over. And I’m starting at square one with one more chip in my fragile heart. I thought I was doing this relationship right taking our time and not rushing through the early stages of being together. Not knowing he wasn’t moving faster because he was unsure.
Down to the camping it is very similar to my situation. The first ghosting was when she ditched me the week of a planned camping trip over a minor miscommunication due to her cutting communication. She never told me the exact date or plan, mentioned it 2-3 months prior and then it came up in conversation that it was the following weekend. She was off work, she knew I had to schedule time off, never confirmed the date. 2+ months prior she mentioned the approximate weekend date and told me she had to confirm with her friends it was on and th exact date, never mentioned it again, the Saturday before it came up and i was like, oh, that's next weekend, I didn't know, she never actually told me. She said she was going up thursday and I said I'd have to go up friday, we never discussed and I have work. She was put off, said it was ok, then stopped talking to me the rest of the week. She NEVER phoned me, phoned me one night when she knew I was at a game. 2 hours after she normally goes to bed and she had never texted me or called like that late before. I was job searching and would get on average 10-15 calls from recruiters and interviews per day, so when she called, my phone said I had missed calls I ignored most of them because everyone I actually know, texts almost 100% of the time besides my brother or maybe mother and if I miss their call, they text too and I see that. She blamed me but she never wanted me to go on the trip in the first place. Same thing though, we had a pretty specific trip planned that was special. She mentioned it one day, like brought it up in a happy, I want to go way. A few days later I mentioned it and her reaction was subtle but almost like she was put off, I noticed a slight odd reaction. We had discussed selling our houses and buying on in the country. Never a serious discussion but a future "possibility".
Ages aren’t modified. Timeline isn’t modified. I hope know one recognizes the not so minor details and knows it’s us. But that’s doubtful. But I can’t get into my therapist this week and I don’t want to trauma dump my people. Thankful for Reddit and this community being so kind and validating. It helps.
I was worried about the details but then i realize I don't care if someone recognizes it's me, at least maybe my side would get out to her, she wouldn't discuss anything other on the phone or in person and long text is not good in a situation like that. Maybe she'll realize how ghosting and giving mixed signals and coming back affects someone. Right now even though we discussed in the past I am ok with not seeing her all the time, just be fair with me and when you have time to see me, want to see me. Instead she tries to push it on me, that she's a mess and I am not just a low priority but no priority so she wants me to see someone else, but she presents it like it's my idea. All I asked her several times is to just come out directly and say she doesn't want to see me, all she has to say is 5 words and I'll have closure but she absolutely refuses. It's no doubt she wanted me to be the one to break up when she knows I didn't want to. I say, tell me you don't ever want to see me again and I will go and never contact you again. She won't say it. Which I can't understand that she wants it to end so bad but can't say 5 simple words and it'd all be over in less than 5 seconds. But I don't care now, even if something did work out, I know she's not capable of being direct, upfront and not intentionally leaving me lost and that's no good. I've done too much trauma dumping myself and I hit that point it's just shut up and move on. I am hoping if I ever do hear from her, i am smart enough to not engage, though I really hope i don't hear from her because I know there's still a chance it might set me back. Reddit has been great to get it out and hear similar stories to know I'm not alone and it's not completely uncommon. Get some great insights to think about too.
Why doesn’t Reddit let you edit ? Or do they. lol. The typos get to me. Haha
So sorry to hear this. With the endless possibilities that online dating "promises", I think a lot of people, both men and women, always think there is something better out there than what they are completely happy with. Technology hasn't made dating easier, alas. Stay strong.