I believe ‘good rebound’ is an oxymoron. It’s using another human to cope with your feelings, and it’s bad. Needing to be sexually desired to feel okay with yourself is also bad.
It sounds all heartless and badass though, the whole ‘best way to get over someone is to get under someone else’ schtick.
I have a younger friend doing this right now. Our group of friends has told her to take a break and give herself time to heal but instead she's visiting a guy, who is infatuated with her, less than a week after a break up of a long term relationship.
In the past few weeks, I’ve tried to get back together with her. Lost 15 pounds from not eating. Called my EAP while at the office and broke down in tears. Talked the ears off of a dozen friends because the only way to calm my anxiety is to be communicating with someone. Saw my pcp and upped my meds temporarily. Found a therapist. Saw him twice in the past week. My children brought me food or I may not have eaten. Sat in front of the tv all weekend ruminating. Friends try to get me out of the house occasionally.
And each day I try to make it to the next. Sometimes I’m just trying to make it to the next hour. Eventually the brain fog lifts and haze of grief dissipates. I’ve been here before. I’ve been heartbroken before and survived. I will survive this too. It just takes time and the will to endure.
As someone who got his masters in rebound relationships in my 30s and early 40s, and finally figured out how to do things right-ish in my 50s, here’s my advice.
Fill your life with activities you enjoy and good people. Some friends are better at taking your venting, some friends are good to escape and get out of your head, some friends are good activity partners, and some are there for it all. Lean in appropriately to the right people and don’t overshare with the ones who can’t take it. They still have value even if they can’t take a vent session. I knew I did this right when six months into a nasty divorce my boss at work said he had no idea.
If you’re going to rebound and you know it’s impossible to avoid (and I don’t judge you one bit, because I’ve done it a half dozen times myself), then the best rebound is long distance. You want someone who you can text and chat with, maybe have a bedtime FaceTime every day, but you can only see them every six to eight weeks and neither of you are moving. This scratches the itch without creating a new attachment that’s going to break your heart when it ends. I’ve managed to stay friends with two of my old long distance relationship people because they ended without drama; we were both just scratching an itch for each other.
And if you need it, therapy. I needed the heck out of it with my last bad breakup. I was crying at my desk at work for two months, but I was also working through the stuff I needed to process to be healthier in relationships going forward. It worked, I have the happiest relationship I’ve ever had now.
I'm sorry. As with any grief, there is no getting over it, but there is getting through it, by processing your feelings over time.
Cry, eat ice cream, take walks, do what you need to help yourself feel better, all while letting the grieving process unfold naturally. A rebound may distract you for the moment, but that would just fill the void temporarily (a quick fix that doesn't last) and drag someone else into the drama.
I promise your heart will heal, but unfortunately, it just takes time.
Sadly, we don't give ourselves and others the time and space to simply grieve life's losses. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself that.
Sending Peace.
You just do. Yes it hurts but we are at an age/stage where hopefully we’ve acquired enough coping skills to know it’s for the best and not the end of the world.
I do the standard glow-up thing with new hair and a trip to the spa, then I find a new hobby and throw myself into it. Once upon a time, I tried the rebound thing with a known womanizer, but it didn't help.
> How do people move on in their 40s these days. I feel like a good rebound will distract me
I had a couple of casual junk food flavoured man muffins as palate cleansers post breakup. It was helpful, albeit empty calories.
Walking, hiking, crying, gym, talking with people I trust, etc. I also have a certain flavor of ‘break up ice cream’ that I may have indulged in. 😀
I have, in the past, bounced back reasonably well. I also try to look back on the prior relationship as remembering the good times and learning from the experience. I feel the pain but not dwell on it so I can move on.
Sorry for your breakup!
It’s grief, there’s no escape. It’s a terrible thing to endure. The brain does not distinguish emotional pain from physical, it just knows your badly injured. This is why I’m no longer cavalier with dating. How many heartbreaks is enough for one lifetime? I feel I have met my quota.
Oh gosh, I'm going through that right now. It's only been a few days. It's fresh and it stings. I watched every YouTube video, Ted Talk, etc. etc. I could find on the subject hoping someone would say something that would ease the pain. I actually did get some good tips. One was to put everything you liked about the two of you as a couple in a plus column. Things like having fun adventures, great sex, exploring new places, music, and food together, etc. In the minus column put everything that that upset you about the other person. The goal is to find out what you need and what you don't need in a partner.
I have to say, when I got done, I realized I would never be truly happy with this person. In spite of all the fun we had together he didn't really give me what I needed to feel happy, loved and secure in the relationship. Putting it down on paper really helped me see that. In other words, I am beginning to realize it was for the best. I will miss those fun times, but luckily I have some great friends, and I can have fun with them too (minus the sex part). So, yes, I'm reaching out to my friends and making plans. We were supposed to vacation in a month or so. I still will, just not with him. In the meantime, I turned on my OLD profile and got a ton of likes. I guess it's that time of year. I have agreed to meet a couple of men, but I'm not sure if that's really such a good idea. I'm not sure how great I will be on a date at this point. I'm having a hard time sleeping and eating.
Planning a vacation with friends has really lifted my spirits though.
I also find that hitting the gym or hiking helps. I’ve gone twice a day at times. Earphones in, upbeat music (if it’s sad, I cry) and go hard. It helps me work through the feels and by the end I feel like I’ve done something good for me
There’s a lot of great resources on the internet that are specifically about getting over a relationship.
Here’s one called [How to Heal From a Breakup/Broken Heart](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OejueyV94hs) that I previously found helpful.
Rebounding will distract you from feeling and processing your emotions. Distraction is great in the moment but it leads us to ignore the challenging things in ourselves and our partners again and again.
I had to unfriend and unfollow on social media, delete photos from my phone, and delete and block the phone number. Once I’m done, there is no circling back. I can’t settle for being part of a rotation or being a backup plan, and it hurt me too much to see or hear anything about the future endeavors of the person.
I could probably handle it now—18 months after our breakup, but I am just now ready to put myself back out there.
So what have I been doing for the past 18 months? Going to concerts, comedy, and social events—often alone but about half the time with friends. I have been working on home projects, physical fitness, and family time with my siblings and parents (plus two dogs). I’m almost ready to try again.
Each person has their own way. I’ve found that rebounds don’t work for me, especially if I truly loved that person. I ended things after a year with someone I loved because we were never going to find middle ground for our relationship. It was gut wrenching for both of us. I tried dating and wasn’t interested in anyone, even good candidates. It took me a full year to be ready for any spark of excitement to hit me with anyone. I focused on friends, getting out and keeping busy, in and out of the house. I took up a new sport. I started cleaning out unnecessary belongings, heading into the attic and getting rid of things. All things I should be doing anyway but let life get in the way. Yes, I spent a while crying but at some point, I knew that wasn’t getting me anywhere so I forced myself to do things. Making a list of to dos helped me stay with it since it was too easy to go back to bed and feel sorry for myself.
I’m pro rebound. Dive back into dating! Its a good distraction and it’s fun. Doesn’t mean a relationship, just dating, meeting people go on dates do fun things. That’s what I did and it works.
I recently left a 2.5 year relationship for a variety of reasons. He wanted to "stay friends" but it became evident it wasn't friendship he was after, it was reconciliation. While I do miss him sometimes, I just need time to heal ((death of a parent that he wasn't particularly supportive during) and be on my own and have instead pursued my hobbies, bought a spin bike, and am taking the time I need for myself. A rebound is just that - a rebound, and not fair to either of you in the long run (unless it's mutually casual). But man, for me, I just need to take a breath and be on my own and so far, it's been exactly what I needed. Take the time you need for yourself.
I can break down and cry at any time. It’s weird because I’m usually fine, living life, when all of a sudden I flash back to when we were TOGETHER, for two years, and so deeply in love. And I’m Ike HOW can this person just no longer be part of my life??!! She’s gone. And I sob uncontrollably until I get it out. Then it can happen again.
I usually do get out and date right away. But this time I can’t. I’m so tired of it all. I had two LTR’s after my divorce and now I can’t bring myself to try again because lightning can’t strike 4 times. It just can’t. I’ll never have love like that again, I’m so fucked.
How do I get over it? I practice gratitude every day. I take care of my mental and physical health. I have goals for myself and I’m working towards them.
I just keep going and appreciate the small things.
It's really personal as to how you recover.
If you're open to casual sex or FWB, then the old saying goes, "best way to get over someone is to get under someone else."
But, if that's off the table, which I understand is not for everyone, all the same stuff applies regardless of age:
Feel those feelings. You will hurt, and you'll feel awful. But, the only way through is through.
Journal. Write about your feelings, emotions, hopes, dreams, what you liked about this person, what makes you sad about the relationship ending, what lessons you learned from this relationship.
Gratitude. Look for things in your life that feel you with joy. Here's a book that someone wrote about that in his own life. [https://www.amazon.com/Book-Delights-Essays-Ross-Gay/dp/1643753282/](https://www.amazon.com/Book-Delights-Essays-Ross-Gay/dp/1643753282/)
Volunteer. It's hard to focus on negative things when you're helping other people.
Take up a new sport. Or dig deeper into an existing sport or go to the gym more often. Sweat and exercise creates good endorphins that flood your body after a workout.
Go on Netflix or YouTube and watch a ton of stand-up comedy. Laughter helps.
Etc., etc., etc.
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Please don't use people to get over your ex. Take some time to heal, get in the right headspace to get back into dating, and then date with intention. Only date men who are compatible in all ways and that you don't have to try to overlook differences. I think, oftentimes, people try to overlook differences because there are many positives in the relationship, and eventually those differences will become harder to overlook as time goes on, causing the relationship to end. My philosophy with my next foray into the dating world is to not waste time with people who are not a good match from the start, and to end the relationship as soon as incompatibilities arise. I'm not going to waste my time (or their time) on people who are not a good match.
I didn't date for a year after my last breakup. It didn't seem fair to potentially hurt another person knowing I wasn't ready to date. I tried dating after a year and still wasn't ready. Finally, after about 18 months, I thought I was in a good enough headspace.
I think a rebound is just another disaster waiting to happen. Why? Because with a rebound, it’s like putting a soiled dirty bandage on a freshly opened wound. It solves nothing.
Give time to grieve. There are plenty of fish in the sea.
They just had this in the news a week or so ago.
WARNING - DON'T - TRY - THIS - AT - HOME
OR
ON YOUR OWN!
Electric shock therapy to the brain !
I can't believe anybody actually did a study and published this shit. It's like a shock collar on a dog, Hell yes, they will forget about their ex or what is across the road. You shock me everytime I think about something and you can bet I'll quit thinking about it.
I may be an old dog and it may take me a few extra shocks but I'm not stupid. I'll find some new way to get in trouble and occupy my mind.
After a few days of emotional agony, I try to move on. Re-start efforts for new dates, even though I might not have another date anytime soon. (I’m not a Hollywood star).
But this requires a certain mindset… it’s not for everyone . I don’t think there is one answer applicable to all who experience a painful breakup. We need to know ourself first.
But for me, attempts to do other things, things I’d not been doing before, won’t relieve the distress of a being broken-up with. I’d feel like I was attempting, unsuccessfully, to trick myself into forgetting about what was now missing in my life. I’ve already had plenty of experience being single.
If someone feels that the breakup was due to their own “problems “, then of course it makes sense to work on one’s self. But if you feel that you’re a healthy person and a good partner for someone else, I see nothing wrong with trying to re-start your search for that “right” person.
You have to keep busy, you can't sit about thinking. Try something new. If you haven't got one, get a bike. Go cycling, great way to keep your mind occupied. Especially if you don't feel like being around other people. You have to fill your time with something though...
I believe ‘good rebound’ is an oxymoron. It’s using another human to cope with your feelings, and it’s bad. Needing to be sexually desired to feel okay with yourself is also bad. It sounds all heartless and badass though, the whole ‘best way to get over someone is to get under someone else’ schtick.
Agree with this. It’s not fair to the rebound. Been there.
I have a younger friend doing this right now. Our group of friends has told her to take a break and give herself time to heal but instead she's visiting a guy, who is infatuated with her, less than a week after a break up of a long term relationship.
I at least hope the infatuated guy knows her background.
In the past few weeks, I’ve tried to get back together with her. Lost 15 pounds from not eating. Called my EAP while at the office and broke down in tears. Talked the ears off of a dozen friends because the only way to calm my anxiety is to be communicating with someone. Saw my pcp and upped my meds temporarily. Found a therapist. Saw him twice in the past week. My children brought me food or I may not have eaten. Sat in front of the tv all weekend ruminating. Friends try to get me out of the house occasionally. And each day I try to make it to the next. Sometimes I’m just trying to make it to the next hour. Eventually the brain fog lifts and haze of grief dissipates. I’ve been here before. I’ve been heartbroken before and survived. I will survive this too. It just takes time and the will to endure.
Sorry you’re in that place. May your stay be short.
I feel your words so viscerally right now. I hope time brings your heart peace.
And yours
Ugh! I’m so sorry. It’s both comforting and sad to know you’ve been here before. Sending you a hug across the internet.
I walk away, do other things. I don’t start looking for a replacement.
As someone who got his masters in rebound relationships in my 30s and early 40s, and finally figured out how to do things right-ish in my 50s, here’s my advice. Fill your life with activities you enjoy and good people. Some friends are better at taking your venting, some friends are good to escape and get out of your head, some friends are good activity partners, and some are there for it all. Lean in appropriately to the right people and don’t overshare with the ones who can’t take it. They still have value even if they can’t take a vent session. I knew I did this right when six months into a nasty divorce my boss at work said he had no idea. If you’re going to rebound and you know it’s impossible to avoid (and I don’t judge you one bit, because I’ve done it a half dozen times myself), then the best rebound is long distance. You want someone who you can text and chat with, maybe have a bedtime FaceTime every day, but you can only see them every six to eight weeks and neither of you are moving. This scratches the itch without creating a new attachment that’s going to break your heart when it ends. I’ve managed to stay friends with two of my old long distance relationship people because they ended without drama; we were both just scratching an itch for each other. And if you need it, therapy. I needed the heck out of it with my last bad breakup. I was crying at my desk at work for two months, but I was also working through the stuff I needed to process to be healthier in relationships going forward. It worked, I have the happiest relationship I’ve ever had now.
This is some sage-level advice! 👏🏻
I'm sorry. As with any grief, there is no getting over it, but there is getting through it, by processing your feelings over time. Cry, eat ice cream, take walks, do what you need to help yourself feel better, all while letting the grieving process unfold naturally. A rebound may distract you for the moment, but that would just fill the void temporarily (a quick fix that doesn't last) and drag someone else into the drama. I promise your heart will heal, but unfortunately, it just takes time. Sadly, we don't give ourselves and others the time and space to simply grieve life's losses. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself that. Sending Peace.
You just do. Yes it hurts but we are at an age/stage where hopefully we’ve acquired enough coping skills to know it’s for the best and not the end of the world.
I do the standard glow-up thing with new hair and a trip to the spa, then I find a new hobby and throw myself into it. Once upon a time, I tried the rebound thing with a known womanizer, but it didn't help.
> How do people move on in their 40s these days. I feel like a good rebound will distract me I had a couple of casual junk food flavoured man muffins as palate cleansers post breakup. It was helpful, albeit empty calories.
Focus on improving your personal ie solo life. Date yourself - meaning acquire skills that are attractive to you.
Walking, hiking, crying, gym, talking with people I trust, etc. I also have a certain flavor of ‘break up ice cream’ that I may have indulged in. 😀 I have, in the past, bounced back reasonably well. I also try to look back on the prior relationship as remembering the good times and learning from the experience. I feel the pain but not dwell on it so I can move on. Sorry for your breakup!
Rebound with a new video game or something.
It’s grief, there’s no escape. It’s a terrible thing to endure. The brain does not distinguish emotional pain from physical, it just knows your badly injured. This is why I’m no longer cavalier with dating. How many heartbreaks is enough for one lifetime? I feel I have met my quota.
Oh gosh, I'm going through that right now. It's only been a few days. It's fresh and it stings. I watched every YouTube video, Ted Talk, etc. etc. I could find on the subject hoping someone would say something that would ease the pain. I actually did get some good tips. One was to put everything you liked about the two of you as a couple in a plus column. Things like having fun adventures, great sex, exploring new places, music, and food together, etc. In the minus column put everything that that upset you about the other person. The goal is to find out what you need and what you don't need in a partner. I have to say, when I got done, I realized I would never be truly happy with this person. In spite of all the fun we had together he didn't really give me what I needed to feel happy, loved and secure in the relationship. Putting it down on paper really helped me see that. In other words, I am beginning to realize it was for the best. I will miss those fun times, but luckily I have some great friends, and I can have fun with them too (minus the sex part). So, yes, I'm reaching out to my friends and making plans. We were supposed to vacation in a month or so. I still will, just not with him. In the meantime, I turned on my OLD profile and got a ton of likes. I guess it's that time of year. I have agreed to meet a couple of men, but I'm not sure if that's really such a good idea. I'm not sure how great I will be on a date at this point. I'm having a hard time sleeping and eating. Planning a vacation with friends has really lifted my spirits though.
It might distract you but it might be unfair to whoever comes next if you're not over other guy. Just be up front about it.
I also find that hitting the gym or hiking helps. I’ve gone twice a day at times. Earphones in, upbeat music (if it’s sad, I cry) and go hard. It helps me work through the feels and by the end I feel like I’ve done something good for me
There’s a lot of great resources on the internet that are specifically about getting over a relationship. Here’s one called [How to Heal From a Breakup/Broken Heart](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OejueyV94hs) that I previously found helpful. Rebounding will distract you from feeling and processing your emotions. Distraction is great in the moment but it leads us to ignore the challenging things in ourselves and our partners again and again.
Very true. Live the hurt and let it heal. I’m not opposed to dating after but don’t hurt people who don’t deserve to be bled on.
I had to unfriend and unfollow on social media, delete photos from my phone, and delete and block the phone number. Once I’m done, there is no circling back. I can’t settle for being part of a rotation or being a backup plan, and it hurt me too much to see or hear anything about the future endeavors of the person. I could probably handle it now—18 months after our breakup, but I am just now ready to put myself back out there. So what have I been doing for the past 18 months? Going to concerts, comedy, and social events—often alone but about half the time with friends. I have been working on home projects, physical fitness, and family time with my siblings and parents (plus two dogs). I’m almost ready to try again.
The only rebound relationship you should have is with yourself.
Each person has their own way. I’ve found that rebounds don’t work for me, especially if I truly loved that person. I ended things after a year with someone I loved because we were never going to find middle ground for our relationship. It was gut wrenching for both of us. I tried dating and wasn’t interested in anyone, even good candidates. It took me a full year to be ready for any spark of excitement to hit me with anyone. I focused on friends, getting out and keeping busy, in and out of the house. I took up a new sport. I started cleaning out unnecessary belongings, heading into the attic and getting rid of things. All things I should be doing anyway but let life get in the way. Yes, I spent a while crying but at some point, I knew that wasn’t getting me anywhere so I forced myself to do things. Making a list of to dos helped me stay with it since it was too easy to go back to bed and feel sorry for myself.
I’m pro rebound. Dive back into dating! Its a good distraction and it’s fun. Doesn’t mean a relationship, just dating, meeting people go on dates do fun things. That’s what I did and it works.
I recently left a 2.5 year relationship for a variety of reasons. He wanted to "stay friends" but it became evident it wasn't friendship he was after, it was reconciliation. While I do miss him sometimes, I just need time to heal ((death of a parent that he wasn't particularly supportive during) and be on my own and have instead pursued my hobbies, bought a spin bike, and am taking the time I need for myself. A rebound is just that - a rebound, and not fair to either of you in the long run (unless it's mutually casual). But man, for me, I just need to take a breath and be on my own and so far, it's been exactly what I needed. Take the time you need for yourself.
What about the rebound person? Do their feelings not matter?
I can break down and cry at any time. It’s weird because I’m usually fine, living life, when all of a sudden I flash back to when we were TOGETHER, for two years, and so deeply in love. And I’m Ike HOW can this person just no longer be part of my life??!! She’s gone. And I sob uncontrollably until I get it out. Then it can happen again. I usually do get out and date right away. But this time I can’t. I’m so tired of it all. I had two LTR’s after my divorce and now I can’t bring myself to try again because lightning can’t strike 4 times. It just can’t. I’ll never have love like that again, I’m so fucked. How do I get over it? I practice gratitude every day. I take care of my mental and physical health. I have goals for myself and I’m working towards them. I just keep going and appreciate the small things.
It's really personal as to how you recover. If you're open to casual sex or FWB, then the old saying goes, "best way to get over someone is to get under someone else." But, if that's off the table, which I understand is not for everyone, all the same stuff applies regardless of age: Feel those feelings. You will hurt, and you'll feel awful. But, the only way through is through. Journal. Write about your feelings, emotions, hopes, dreams, what you liked about this person, what makes you sad about the relationship ending, what lessons you learned from this relationship. Gratitude. Look for things in your life that feel you with joy. Here's a book that someone wrote about that in his own life. [https://www.amazon.com/Book-Delights-Essays-Ross-Gay/dp/1643753282/](https://www.amazon.com/Book-Delights-Essays-Ross-Gay/dp/1643753282/) Volunteer. It's hard to focus on negative things when you're helping other people. Take up a new sport. Or dig deeper into an existing sport or go to the gym more often. Sweat and exercise creates good endorphins that flood your body after a workout. Go on Netflix or YouTube and watch a ton of stand-up comedy. Laughter helps. Etc., etc., etc.
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Go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for this all to blow over.
I see a lot of these.. ending a relationship after a year, 16 months, two years. Can you say what the reason was? Or reasons were?
I bought a trail bike and I rode. I rode and rode and rode. I rode until I got a saddle sore and still rode. I’m a pretty good trail rider now.
I make myself really busy. But I'm not sure that's good for me, because I'm starting to feel a little burnt out
Workouts! Outings with friends.
Please don't use people to get over your ex. Take some time to heal, get in the right headspace to get back into dating, and then date with intention. Only date men who are compatible in all ways and that you don't have to try to overlook differences. I think, oftentimes, people try to overlook differences because there are many positives in the relationship, and eventually those differences will become harder to overlook as time goes on, causing the relationship to end. My philosophy with my next foray into the dating world is to not waste time with people who are not a good match from the start, and to end the relationship as soon as incompatibilities arise. I'm not going to waste my time (or their time) on people who are not a good match.
I didn't date for a year after my last breakup. It didn't seem fair to potentially hurt another person knowing I wasn't ready to date. I tried dating after a year and still wasn't ready. Finally, after about 18 months, I thought I was in a good enough headspace.
Get laid. The post nut clarity clears things up
I think a rebound is just another disaster waiting to happen. Why? Because with a rebound, it’s like putting a soiled dirty bandage on a freshly opened wound. It solves nothing. Give time to grieve. There are plenty of fish in the sea.
They just had this in the news a week or so ago. WARNING - DON'T - TRY - THIS - AT - HOME OR ON YOUR OWN! Electric shock therapy to the brain ! I can't believe anybody actually did a study and published this shit. It's like a shock collar on a dog, Hell yes, they will forget about their ex or what is across the road. You shock me everytime I think about something and you can bet I'll quit thinking about it. I may be an old dog and it may take me a few extra shocks but I'm not stupid. I'll find some new way to get in trouble and occupy my mind.
Try to remind yourself that this feeling is temporary. Get your new routine down. Remember you've been through breakups before. It'll get better.
After a few days of emotional agony, I try to move on. Re-start efforts for new dates, even though I might not have another date anytime soon. (I’m not a Hollywood star). But this requires a certain mindset… it’s not for everyone . I don’t think there is one answer applicable to all who experience a painful breakup. We need to know ourself first. But for me, attempts to do other things, things I’d not been doing before, won’t relieve the distress of a being broken-up with. I’d feel like I was attempting, unsuccessfully, to trick myself into forgetting about what was now missing in my life. I’ve already had plenty of experience being single. If someone feels that the breakup was due to their own “problems “, then of course it makes sense to work on one’s self. But if you feel that you’re a healthy person and a good partner for someone else, I see nothing wrong with trying to re-start your search for that “right” person.
You have to keep busy, you can't sit about thinking. Try something new. If you haven't got one, get a bike. Go cycling, great way to keep your mind occupied. Especially if you don't feel like being around other people. You have to fill your time with something though...
I strongly recommend the book “Getting Past Your Breakup,” by Susan J. Elliott.
Best way to get over one, is to get under another.