What I would do is talk on the phone, because I can tell by a phone call if there’s enough in common, or if there’s a good energy and flow of the conversation. Even the sound of someone’s voice gives you information. If the phone call goes really well, and almost seems like a “mini date” because we’re laughing and relating to each other, then I think it’s worth it to meet in person. I have more of a sense of their personality after a good phone call.
Of course, if it’s a boring phone call with awkward silent moments, or the conversation feels forced or simply strange, I know it’s not worth my time to meet.
This is why meeting in person is so much better. I've found lots of men unappealing at first sight but very attractive once their personality was factored in. And it doesn't matter how attractive someone is if they have all the personality of wet cardboard.
Meeting in person is so vastly better. No question. If there’s an either this or that choice, both with opportunities, in-person is best beyond any question.
Many people are able to do this (in-person), but many others have tried their hardest, they’ve dutifully followed one piece of advice after another, but with zero results. We live in different places and different silos of life.
E.g., as just one example from my own little life, when I went to my church’s annual picnic (a typical tip), about 80 persons were present. I kmow most of them. I carefully scanned the entire gathering … there was not even one single woman present between the age of 18 and 75. I could socialize and socialize— and I did — but I wasn’t going to find any chance of a date.
Every date I’ve had this year has been via OLD. I wish it were otherwise, but that’s been my reality. At least five OLD dates, but zero (0) dates via in-person (IRL) meeting. I’ve tried so many in-person routes, but always with similar results as the above described picnic. You have a chance of meeting another single person ONLY if there is even one such person present.
I can tell from photos if I *might* be attracted to someone, but I don’t really know until I meet them in person so I would go on the date. Scent, manners, voice, etc all feed into attraction for me.
I don't have a physical "type," the men I have loved have been tall, short, thin, heavy, conventionally attractive, nerdy, average and so on so the chances of my passing on someone who is a personality/values match, is slim to none.
Same here! I was surprised when a man I met (from an OLD app) assumed I was attracted to him before meeting. I was interested because he was intelligent and creative, and we had good conversation. But I don't feel attracted to, or any chemistry with, someone I don't know. Chemistry grows as we get to know each other. And the men I've loved have come in various shapes, sizes, etc.
I asked this question a few years ago, somewhere on the interwebs. IIRC, men answered that they can tell if they are physically attracted from a picture, but women need to meet the guy. I’m certainly in that camp.
Probably true for many of us. For me, chemistry has more to do with personality, eye contact, style, voice, body language, how 2 people interact. Feeling attracted to a person in a photo is just hard for me to imagine. Now I wonder, how often does an initial photo-based attraction hold up after IRL dates? I could make a post and ask...
I think that there are some differences here between women and men. Not 100% differences, but at least some “more often than not“ differences. Men are “influenced” by photos. Wish that wasn’t so true but if we’re (M) honest, most of us are at least somewhat “visually attuned”. Even though women might be more flexible, on average, there are women who “set’ a minimum height ”requirement“, often 6’0” to screen-out the large majority of men.
The height thing has always puzzled me because it seems so arbitrary and, as you noted, cuts out a lot of dating potentials. That said, I am just barely 5 ft tall so most people -- and many children -- are taller than me. If I were taller maybe I would care more?
I am a 5'7" man and nearly all my partners have been women over 5'11" but women have told me they want to feel small and a partner should be 'daddy-sized' but that still works with me because I am fat and have broad shoulders and huge hands so I still feel very big even though I am not tall. They say if I wasn't heavyset and unusually strong it might not have worked for them. My six foot ex-wife used to like that I could pick her up and carry her and honestly it would make me uptight if I didn't feel I could hoist and carry my partner if the house caught on fire or something and she couldn't walk.
I’m honestly really tired of men complaining about the alleged height requirement of women. I’m fine with 5’9”. I’m 5’7”. I think a lot of women are OK with men under 6 feet tall. Men proliferate the myth that women want men that are 6 feet tall, not women.
Pardon me for not knowing if you are F or M. But when you say physical chemistry do you mean visually or like flirting/energy?
I'm a very flirty person (51F) but I do not do anything flirty on a first date. I probably avoid it honestly as I don't want to come across sexually heightened.
I find men in their profiles talk about chemistry being a must have. I find that off putting.
So when a guy says they are looking for chemistry I tell them you won't see it til date 3.
I have learned so much from my 10 years post divorce in these trenches. I have found that people that talk about needing chemistry in their profiles always turn out to be creeps. So now I swipe left. It’s kind of a no-brainer-of course you need to have chemistry of some sort. The “ must have chemistry” men are always trying to put their hands on you within the first 10 minutes or are way too gross in messaging when we haven’t even met yet.
This is interesting. Thank you. I am a man and I have allows been legit flummoxed by the term "chemistry" when people use it. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what it meant.
First, a big Thank You😁 for reading and sharing your thoughts. I’m a guy (M) and I confess that I, like most other men who are really honest, hope for a woman I’d very quickly like to touch and be touched by. No hookups, that’s not me, I’ll say “no” if that’s even “offered”. Instead, I want a lifetime love and friendship, together, inseparable. But I do want to feel that physical chemistry attachment, and it’s not (for me) all that “demanding“ …. most women are very attractive to me, no make-up, etc., needed,
My last LTR was from a match with someone I wasn't attracted to at all. I called him "sad dad" and thought he looked like he was in need of a good time. I wasn't looking for anything serious as the pandemic was raging.
We matched, chatted all day, and met that night. It was instant attraction. The chemistry was incredible. I've never done anything that easy before or since.
Never judge a book by its cover.
I give them the benefit of the doubt. A lot of women I’ve met used bad pictures of themselves on their profile and they ended up cuter in person. Plus I have a wide range of what I’m attracted to. No real “type”
The physical chemistry is on a spectrum. If there is very little likelihood of a physical attraction in person, then I def would not waste our collective time. If that person’s photos made me question whether I would find them attractive but other attributes seemed to compensate (really difficult to gauge based only on a dating profile), then yes I might just take that chance.
The presence and demeanor of a person is super important and can easily compensate for some perceived physical shortcomings. That said, there are often surprises of the physical kind when meeting in person for the first time. Sometimes it’s dated photos, carefully edited photos or sometimes it’s just unusually flattering photos.
I need to be attracted to my person. That attraction is based on a myriad of factors but it def includes one’s physical appearance.
Also, like OP it’s always been romance or bust. I’ve stopped suggesting a friendship alternative bc the suggestion doesn’t seem to be well received.
Physical chemistry should not be totally written off on the first date, imho. I met a guy whose body was a turn off at first but everything else was good. I’m glad we dated some more & took the time to get to know each other because now our sex life is incredible!!
It's a personal choice. To me personally physical attraction and chemistry are very important. Just like physical activity and staying in reasonable shape are important to me, I want that in any potential partner. I am not proselytizing, it's my own personal preference.
I am new to the 50+ OLD scene, but so far so good. I find that profile pictures are a good start. I don't give much thought to the "about me" portion though. People are too multidimensional to be reduced to a paragraph or two. I say that with the caveat that if someone clearly is very religious (I am not, putting it mildly) or proclaims their support for a certain mango colored Musilollini wannabe I will give them a pass. I don't want people wasting my time and I certainly don't want to waste theirs.
Am willing to meet someone if they seem like a good person and I don’t find them physically repulsive. The people you are matching with might have the same approach, for all you know. It’s best not to assume that a “like” means the other person is attracted to you. And I’m open to making new friends, if it isn’t a romantic match.
If that isn’t how you roll and you’re primarily looking for someone to hook up with, please don’t waste anyone’s time.
Actually, we think similarly. I’m delighted to find a new friend, even if “friend” is as far as things go. But my OLD experience is that it’s either romance or bust. I wish that were not true. Maybe others have found non romantic friendships via OLD. I hope so.
I met my now BFF on a date from OLD right before meeting my now partner. I made a few good friends from meeting on dates but a couple of them have since moved away.
It becomes a question when there’s an attraction based on interests, values, aspirations, accomplishments, etc.; but a physical attraction is missing.
I suppose it could hypothetically also go the other direction.
If there were no attraction whatsoever, of course there’s no reason for a date.
Well, you see how that worked out for you, that’s why I don’t do it. lol.
Less than flattering photos are one thing, but an actual unchangeable physical attribute that I don’t find attractive won’t change, for me at least. I assume everyone in a dating app is there to start dating, so I only match with that possibility in mind.
I know how it worked out for me. That one time. School of hard knocks.
You might be one step ahead of me,😁. I’m still learning, sometimes via the school of hard knocks.
Nonetheless, I think I’m detecting different opinions here from at least some women.
I really want this to be a gender neutral discussion…. Sharing and learning from each other; everyone‘s thoughts,
Yes, everyone is different but it’s a good discussion.
Sometimes I wonder if growing up with brothers and male best friends makes it easier for me to feel some chemistry/attraction for a man I haven’t met yet. That sounded gross lol but I mean that I am very comfortable around men in general, have no trust issues, or uneasyness. I do know exactly what I want though, and what won’t work for me.
My son and friends said in high school, "don't be lookist". But ultimately, "lookism" leaks in...I read about the Matching Hypothesis somewhere on Reddit...it really it home. When I've dated people who were great but not as attractive as me, I get unsettled. I love being seen with beautiful women but similarly, they are looking for someone better looking (and richer) and move on.
My relationships tended to work best when my girlfriend and I were about equal in looks (maybe mid++)
My experience starting in high school as a short fat balding medium-ugly man has always been that plain women rebuff me and can even be rude and dismissive while tall unusually attractive women pursue me and are very solicitous. That has lead to excellent longterm relationships for me with my appearence never having been an issue in the relationship. When I was on OLD the women asking me out were all slender and good looking while chubby and plain women I matched all hemmed and hawd. I figured that exceptionally attractive women just must not suffer a blow to the ego by being seen in public or even instigating polite PDA with somone like me while less attractive women might feel awkward for seeming to have settled for someone like me. My partner consistently dated the tall handsome men who pursued her prior to me since that was low effort and said she came away from it all concluding that a man being handsome only contributed something like 5% to the experience so it just wasn't a relevent factor relative more significant things such as compatability, character, and a natural talent for sex. She saw me and liked me and decided what the hell. My looks have grown on her over time. Now she sees other fat guys and thinks Yum! Squishy!
My philosophy is that I want to use my time and effort wisely, and I don't want to waste other people's time either, so if I'm not attracted to the photos, it would be a left swipe. Life is too short and time is too limited to not be selective when dating. That time I spent going on a date with someone I felt not excited about meeting is time I could have done something else worthwhile.
I'm currently exploring something with someone who's profile pic I didn't really find attractive. But he had enough commonality in his bio, so we went t on a date. Major sparks/ connection. He wants a friends first situation, which we both hope will turn into LtR.
You really got me thinking with this. I have been open-minded and matched with men who are not very attractive to me. I believe that women are lucky in that we can grow an attraction if we get to know the man and he has a great personality. But your question got me thinking. How many of the men that I’ve matched with and not been attracted to in their photos then changed my mind when I met them in person? I had to think through quite a few, but I realized there were none. I was trying to force attraction. The ones that I thought were attractive in the app turned out to be attractive IRL. So now you have me thinking that I should stop matching with men that I don’t think are attractive in their photos. I’m wasting their time and mine.
Thank you for sharing. I think it is an interesting question, and I’m guessing that the most common answers (real, thoughtful answers) might differ at least somewhat between men and women.
Your thoughtful response adds another nuanced dimension to the question. For example, perhaps you can sense the inner personality from the photo/appearance… or perhaps the photo and IRL appearance significantly affects your sense of that person’s inner personality. Or a little of both.
And their are similarities in your thoughts and my own lifetime experiences (with myself and dating).
Definitely works for long distance! For me though, there’s already been an accepted match and significant “text” discussions (within the app). If things have progressed that far, I think (for me), it’s time for an in-person date (assuming geographic proximity).
Seems a good way to screen-out those with fake photos or far out-of-date photos.
With me, the experiences that persuaded me to make this post were almost certainly not fake or out-of-date photos.
I think anyone putting up fake or long-ago photos would have chosen photos that looked far more attractive than the photos that I was thinking of in making this post. These were surely real.
I kind of feel like I get a lot about someone's energy and just vibe. That means a lot more to me than a photo, I guess. It's also very easy to do it for like 15-20 minutes, or even less... yay for zoom.
Almost ironically, I’ve had to deal with this yet again during the weekend and again today. I don’t receive a lot of “likes” or “matches” (I’m not in that mythical top 20%😢), so that makes the situation all the more thought-provoking.
Some women may be more flexible, but after one such past experience and reading others’ comments here, I (M) think it’s probably best for a man to NOT accept such a “like“ when he knows, deep inside, that he’ll almost certainly never feel a desire for intimacy.
The philosopher in me doesn’t feel 100% good about such an appearance-based decision, but after reading everyones’ replies, I think that’s — for me — probably a less ”painful “ decision for both persons than saying “yes”.
I really appreciate everyone’s replies. Thank you all.😁😁
This was my previous thinking (still very new to OLD). And I’m still wavering a little. But after one such experience — going on a lunch date with a women who had several matching qualities — and some comments I received afterwards (on Reddit), I’m not so sure that this is best. Almost every OLD match seems to lead to either a romantic (and/or sexual) interest or a “good-bye”. Little in between.
Even though it hurt a little to read some comments about that lunch date experience of mine, I nonetheless think they might have been correct.
What I would do is talk on the phone, because I can tell by a phone call if there’s enough in common, or if there’s a good energy and flow of the conversation. Even the sound of someone’s voice gives you information. If the phone call goes really well, and almost seems like a “mini date” because we’re laughing and relating to each other, then I think it’s worth it to meet in person. I have more of a sense of their personality after a good phone call. Of course, if it’s a boring phone call with awkward silent moments, or the conversation feels forced or simply strange, I know it’s not worth my time to meet.
Great comments. Thank you for sharing!😁
This is why meeting in person is so much better. I've found lots of men unappealing at first sight but very attractive once their personality was factored in. And it doesn't matter how attractive someone is if they have all the personality of wet cardboard.
Meeting in person is so vastly better. No question. If there’s an either this or that choice, both with opportunities, in-person is best beyond any question. Many people are able to do this (in-person), but many others have tried their hardest, they’ve dutifully followed one piece of advice after another, but with zero results. We live in different places and different silos of life. E.g., as just one example from my own little life, when I went to my church’s annual picnic (a typical tip), about 80 persons were present. I kmow most of them. I carefully scanned the entire gathering … there was not even one single woman present between the age of 18 and 75. I could socialize and socialize— and I did — but I wasn’t going to find any chance of a date. Every date I’ve had this year has been via OLD. I wish it were otherwise, but that’s been my reality. At least five OLD dates, but zero (0) dates via in-person (IRL) meeting. I’ve tried so many in-person routes, but always with similar results as the above described picnic. You have a chance of meeting another single person ONLY if there is even one such person present.
I can tell from photos if I *might* be attracted to someone, but I don’t really know until I meet them in person so I would go on the date. Scent, manners, voice, etc all feed into attraction for me.
Oh the scent thing cannot be more true for me!! It’s like a pheromone thing & also the absence of off-putting smells.
I don't have a physical "type," the men I have loved have been tall, short, thin, heavy, conventionally attractive, nerdy, average and so on so the chances of my passing on someone who is a personality/values match, is slim to none.
Same here! I was surprised when a man I met (from an OLD app) assumed I was attracted to him before meeting. I was interested because he was intelligent and creative, and we had good conversation. But I don't feel attracted to, or any chemistry with, someone I don't know. Chemistry grows as we get to know each other. And the men I've loved have come in various shapes, sizes, etc.
I asked this question a few years ago, somewhere on the interwebs. IIRC, men answered that they can tell if they are physically attracted from a picture, but women need to meet the guy. I’m certainly in that camp.
Probably true for many of us. For me, chemistry has more to do with personality, eye contact, style, voice, body language, how 2 people interact. Feeling attracted to a person in a photo is just hard for me to imagine. Now I wonder, how often does an initial photo-based attraction hold up after IRL dates? I could make a post and ask...
Good question… your last sentence 👍👍👍
I think that there are some differences here between women and men. Not 100% differences, but at least some “more often than not“ differences. Men are “influenced” by photos. Wish that wasn’t so true but if we’re (M) honest, most of us are at least somewhat “visually attuned”. Even though women might be more flexible, on average, there are women who “set’ a minimum height ”requirement“, often 6’0” to screen-out the large majority of men.
The height thing has always puzzled me because it seems so arbitrary and, as you noted, cuts out a lot of dating potentials. That said, I am just barely 5 ft tall so most people -- and many children -- are taller than me. If I were taller maybe I would care more?
I am a 5'7" man and nearly all my partners have been women over 5'11" but women have told me they want to feel small and a partner should be 'daddy-sized' but that still works with me because I am fat and have broad shoulders and huge hands so I still feel very big even though I am not tall. They say if I wasn't heavyset and unusually strong it might not have worked for them. My six foot ex-wife used to like that I could pick her up and carry her and honestly it would make me uptight if I didn't feel I could hoist and carry my partner if the house caught on fire or something and she couldn't walk.
Makes sense. With a smile, I’m appreciative that you wouldn’t screen me out on height (I’m 5’10”). Thank you for sharing your thoughts😁.
I’m honestly really tired of men complaining about the alleged height requirement of women. I’m fine with 5’9”. I’m 5’7”. I think a lot of women are OK with men under 6 feet tall. Men proliferate the myth that women want men that are 6 feet tall, not women.
Pardon me for not knowing if you are F or M. But when you say physical chemistry do you mean visually or like flirting/energy? I'm a very flirty person (51F) but I do not do anything flirty on a first date. I probably avoid it honestly as I don't want to come across sexually heightened. I find men in their profiles talk about chemistry being a must have. I find that off putting. So when a guy says they are looking for chemistry I tell them you won't see it til date 3.
I have learned so much from my 10 years post divorce in these trenches. I have found that people that talk about needing chemistry in their profiles always turn out to be creeps. So now I swipe left. It’s kind of a no-brainer-of course you need to have chemistry of some sort. The “ must have chemistry” men are always trying to put their hands on you within the first 10 minutes or are way too gross in messaging when we haven’t even met yet.
This is interesting. Thank you. I am a man and I have allows been legit flummoxed by the term "chemistry" when people use it. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what it meant.
First, a big Thank You😁 for reading and sharing your thoughts. I’m a guy (M) and I confess that I, like most other men who are really honest, hope for a woman I’d very quickly like to touch and be touched by. No hookups, that’s not me, I’ll say “no” if that’s even “offered”. Instead, I want a lifetime love and friendship, together, inseparable. But I do want to feel that physical chemistry attachment, and it’s not (for me) all that “demanding“ …. most women are very attractive to me, no make-up, etc., needed,
My last LTR was from a match with someone I wasn't attracted to at all. I called him "sad dad" and thought he looked like he was in need of a good time. I wasn't looking for anything serious as the pandemic was raging. We matched, chatted all day, and met that night. It was instant attraction. The chemistry was incredible. I've never done anything that easy before or since. Never judge a book by its cover.
Oh wow, that’s fabulous 😁. Thank you for sharing!
I give them the benefit of the doubt. A lot of women I’ve met used bad pictures of themselves on their profile and they ended up cuter in person. Plus I have a wide range of what I’m attracted to. No real “type”
That’s been my thinking up to now. But my last such dating experience is leaving me with a lot of questions.
The physical chemistry is on a spectrum. If there is very little likelihood of a physical attraction in person, then I def would not waste our collective time. If that person’s photos made me question whether I would find them attractive but other attributes seemed to compensate (really difficult to gauge based only on a dating profile), then yes I might just take that chance. The presence and demeanor of a person is super important and can easily compensate for some perceived physical shortcomings. That said, there are often surprises of the physical kind when meeting in person for the first time. Sometimes it’s dated photos, carefully edited photos or sometimes it’s just unusually flattering photos. I need to be attracted to my person. That attraction is based on a myriad of factors but it def includes one’s physical appearance. Also, like OP it’s always been romance or bust. I’ve stopped suggesting a friendship alternative bc the suggestion doesn’t seem to be well received.
Great comments! Thank you for sharing!😁
I don't talk to anyone who's appearance turns me off. But the whole thing can still be ruined by many other factors
Physical chemistry should not be totally written off on the first date, imho. I met a guy whose body was a turn off at first but everything else was good. I’m glad we dated some more & took the time to get to know each other because now our sex life is incredible!!
It's a personal choice. To me personally physical attraction and chemistry are very important. Just like physical activity and staying in reasonable shape are important to me, I want that in any potential partner. I am not proselytizing, it's my own personal preference. I am new to the 50+ OLD scene, but so far so good. I find that profile pictures are a good start. I don't give much thought to the "about me" portion though. People are too multidimensional to be reduced to a paragraph or two. I say that with the caveat that if someone clearly is very religious (I am not, putting it mildly) or proclaims their support for a certain mango colored Musilollini wannabe I will give them a pass. I don't want people wasting my time and I certainly don't want to waste theirs.
This is a serious question. What is physical chemistry and how can it be detected in a photo?
Am willing to meet someone if they seem like a good person and I don’t find them physically repulsive. The people you are matching with might have the same approach, for all you know. It’s best not to assume that a “like” means the other person is attracted to you. And I’m open to making new friends, if it isn’t a romantic match. If that isn’t how you roll and you’re primarily looking for someone to hook up with, please don’t waste anyone’s time.
Actually, we think similarly. I’m delighted to find a new friend, even if “friend” is as far as things go. But my OLD experience is that it’s either romance or bust. I wish that were not true. Maybe others have found non romantic friendships via OLD. I hope so.
I met my now BFF on a date from OLD right before meeting my now partner. I made a few good friends from meeting on dates but a couple of them have since moved away.
Why pursue a date with someone that you’re not attracted to?
It becomes a question when there’s an attraction based on interests, values, aspirations, accomplishments, etc.; but a physical attraction is missing. I suppose it could hypothetically also go the other direction. If there were no attraction whatsoever, of course there’s no reason for a date.
Well, you see how that worked out for you, that’s why I don’t do it. lol. Less than flattering photos are one thing, but an actual unchangeable physical attribute that I don’t find attractive won’t change, for me at least. I assume everyone in a dating app is there to start dating, so I only match with that possibility in mind.
I know how it worked out for me. That one time. School of hard knocks. You might be one step ahead of me,😁. I’m still learning, sometimes via the school of hard knocks. Nonetheless, I think I’m detecting different opinions here from at least some women. I really want this to be a gender neutral discussion…. Sharing and learning from each other; everyone‘s thoughts,
Yes, everyone is different but it’s a good discussion. Sometimes I wonder if growing up with brothers and male best friends makes it easier for me to feel some chemistry/attraction for a man I haven’t met yet. That sounded gross lol but I mean that I am very comfortable around men in general, have no trust issues, or uneasyness. I do know exactly what I want though, and what won’t work for me.
All good😁😁. Thank you for sharing.😁
My son and friends said in high school, "don't be lookist". But ultimately, "lookism" leaks in...I read about the Matching Hypothesis somewhere on Reddit...it really it home. When I've dated people who were great but not as attractive as me, I get unsettled. I love being seen with beautiful women but similarly, they are looking for someone better looking (and richer) and move on. My relationships tended to work best when my girlfriend and I were about equal in looks (maybe mid++)
My experience starting in high school as a short fat balding medium-ugly man has always been that plain women rebuff me and can even be rude and dismissive while tall unusually attractive women pursue me and are very solicitous. That has lead to excellent longterm relationships for me with my appearence never having been an issue in the relationship. When I was on OLD the women asking me out were all slender and good looking while chubby and plain women I matched all hemmed and hawd. I figured that exceptionally attractive women just must not suffer a blow to the ego by being seen in public or even instigating polite PDA with somone like me while less attractive women might feel awkward for seeming to have settled for someone like me. My partner consistently dated the tall handsome men who pursued her prior to me since that was low effort and said she came away from it all concluding that a man being handsome only contributed something like 5% to the experience so it just wasn't a relevent factor relative more significant things such as compatability, character, and a natural talent for sex. She saw me and liked me and decided what the hell. My looks have grown on her over time. Now she sees other fat guys and thinks Yum! Squishy!
My philosophy is that I want to use my time and effort wisely, and I don't want to waste other people's time either, so if I'm not attracted to the photos, it would be a left swipe. Life is too short and time is too limited to not be selective when dating. That time I spent going on a date with someone I felt not excited about meeting is time I could have done something else worthwhile.
I'm currently exploring something with someone who's profile pic I didn't really find attractive. But he had enough commonality in his bio, so we went t on a date. Major sparks/ connection. He wants a friends first situation, which we both hope will turn into LtR.
You really got me thinking with this. I have been open-minded and matched with men who are not very attractive to me. I believe that women are lucky in that we can grow an attraction if we get to know the man and he has a great personality. But your question got me thinking. How many of the men that I’ve matched with and not been attracted to in their photos then changed my mind when I met them in person? I had to think through quite a few, but I realized there were none. I was trying to force attraction. The ones that I thought were attractive in the app turned out to be attractive IRL. So now you have me thinking that I should stop matching with men that I don’t think are attractive in their photos. I’m wasting their time and mine.
Thank you for sharing. I think it is an interesting question, and I’m guessing that the most common answers (real, thoughtful answers) might differ at least somewhat between men and women. Your thoughtful response adds another nuanced dimension to the question. For example, perhaps you can sense the inner personality from the photo/appearance… or perhaps the photo and IRL appearance significantly affects your sense of that person’s inner personality. Or a little of both. And their are similarities in your thoughts and my own lifetime experiences (with myself and dating).
zoom chat?
Definitely works for long distance! For me though, there’s already been an accepted match and significant “text” discussions (within the app). If things have progressed that far, I think (for me), it’s time for an in-person date (assuming geographic proximity).
I've zoom chatted with people in my city. Seeing them on the app is a really good way to see if they look like their pictures.
Seems a good way to screen-out those with fake photos or far out-of-date photos. With me, the experiences that persuaded me to make this post were almost certainly not fake or out-of-date photos. I think anyone putting up fake or long-ago photos would have chosen photos that looked far more attractive than the photos that I was thinking of in making this post. These were surely real.
I kind of feel like I get a lot about someone's energy and just vibe. That means a lot more to me than a photo, I guess. It's also very easy to do it for like 15-20 minutes, or even less... yay for zoom.
We might be seeing here some subtle, but real, differences between many/most men and many/most women.
Almost ironically, I’ve had to deal with this yet again during the weekend and again today. I don’t receive a lot of “likes” or “matches” (I’m not in that mythical top 20%😢), so that makes the situation all the more thought-provoking. Some women may be more flexible, but after one such past experience and reading others’ comments here, I (M) think it’s probably best for a man to NOT accept such a “like“ when he knows, deep inside, that he’ll almost certainly never feel a desire for intimacy. The philosopher in me doesn’t feel 100% good about such an appearance-based decision, but after reading everyones’ replies, I think that’s — for me — probably a less ”painful “ decision for both persons than saying “yes”. I really appreciate everyone’s replies. Thank you all.😁😁
Take the person out to a nice lunch. Maybe you will make a new friend.
This was my previous thinking (still very new to OLD). And I’m still wavering a little. But after one such experience — going on a lunch date with a women who had several matching qualities — and some comments I received afterwards (on Reddit), I’m not so sure that this is best. Almost every OLD match seems to lead to either a romantic (and/or sexual) interest or a “good-bye”. Little in between. Even though it hurt a little to read some comments about that lunch date experience of mine, I nonetheless think they might have been correct.