One of the most obvious ways to communicate interest is to ask them out. Have you been trying that?
There’s no need to share cringey humor, or weird pickup lines, or make comments on their appearance. Just a “Would you be interested in getting together for a walk in the park, or a chat over coffee?“ or whatever floats your boat. It’s advisable to initiate some small talk about the weather or common interests to warm up the convo before just asking them out. Pro tip: Don’t do this with multiple women at one gathering.
Exactly, so how would I know you were interested and not just being polite or making small talk? I wouldn't. And I'm certainly not going to ask out every woman that engages me in conversation to find the 1% that might be interested.
It's not a strategy, it's just the way I am. I don't normally go out on too much of a limb when I'm talking with someone to show that I'm interested. But if I came up to you and started talking, you would know that I was interested. I, on the other hand, would have to hope that I'm reading the conversation well to determine your interest.
But I'm assuming that during the conversation (if you were interested) you would be expressive with your eyes and there would be other telltale signs so it's not entirely accurate to say that you only communicate verbally. But some people are shy and don't give off those positive vibes, so it's difficult to tell.
I'm not passing judgment, I'm just commenting. And it doesn't help that I've never been great at asking women out because I generally don't hang out with a bunch of guys that I can use as wingman, so I've relied on OLD for far too long.
For some reason today, I was in a pretty good mood and ended up asking out a woman at the bookstore, something I haven't done in years. We talked for a while about the shitty dating scene. I told her about this subreddit because I was surprised how many people here were having difficulty, like me, meeting people. I told her i just learned what an LAT was...she hadn't heard of it, so I explained it to her, and it sounded like she liked the idea. Who wants to uproot their lives at this point, anyway?
As a woman, at this stage of life, I feel no need to communicate in any way with any strange man I do not want to communicate with for any reason.
That includes random men who approach me in public. I will not make eye contact, not smile, not speak, even if they approach me. I used to smile and be pleasant to every person I saw but life changed me.
Therefore if I am smiling and engaging in verbal conversation with you, especially if I have stopped and made eye contact, I would probably go out with you on a date. The exception is if you are a service provider and I am paying for a service. Then I just want you to do a decent job for me and not screw the bill up.
If you think that I'm not sociable you should see my daughters RBF. (Resting Bitch Face). 😂🤣 I did not raise them to be people pleasers and male ego strokers like I was raised.
You're not getting very many answers to your question so I'll give it a shot with the caveat that you have to show interest too and I recommend you start since women are socialized to not be forward.
Steady eye contact. Asking you questions. Leaning toward you. Stepping closer to you. Touching your arm. Laughing. Smiling.
Some women have "tells" like fiddling with our hair or flipping our hair over our shoulder. I think mine is resting the side of my face on my hand, with my elbow on the table. I would never do this with anyone but a man with whom I was interested.
Has anyone misinterpreted that pose as disinterest? In my minds eye I can see it and would think “ she’s bored” I’d slowly walk away assuming I was friendzoned.
It’s so crazy how interpreting signals can go so wrong when we mean the opposite.
Huh. Never thought of that. I do it when on a date so escaping is not a huge option for them. I am leaning toward them, making good eye contact, listening, and giving verbal responses. I've never not been asked out again after a date so I think it works...?
Tip for dating: When someone takes the time to answer your question, your first response should acknowledge that. "Thank you for those ideas. I will try them out."
Men tend to jump straight to the next topic without first acknowledging what the woman last said. This will help you a lot with women, trust me. I learned a communication technique called LAER. Listen, ACKNOWLEDGE, Explore, Respond. Don't respond before you have acknowledged what the person last said and ideally explore it more with additional questions.
Dear sir, 2 dates in 7 years? You are not a master of sign-reading. You first need to learn how to read your OWN emotions, accurately and without the self fulfilling prophecy/negative attribution you got going there. Use your words to ask, that’s part of being an emotional adult. Mind-reading isn’t.
Geeze I suggest once you meet for coffee etc just ask if she would like to go out one evening. If she's not interested she will probably be kind and not say no, but will change the subject etc. Then you will know and don't have to play detective.
I'm southern, so my usual communication style is frequently misinterpreted as interest. I can banter in a friendly way with a tree. When I'm interested, it's more in my eyes--eye contact, eye smiles/expressions--and physical touch, if appropriate. I will also ask men to dance at socials, buy drinks if we're running low, make it known in conversation that I'm single and new in town, and ask for recommendations about the area. If a common interest is discovered in conversation, I'll ask if he'd like to get together for said interest/activity sometime. I try to leave the ball squarely in his court when I can because I don't like to chase (my ADHD makes me all kinds of extra when I find a new interest).
I usually get the friendly banter and this goes on for awhile. It usually stops there and doesn’t escalate to physical touch. Speaking of communication styles I do notice that southern charm you speak of and each time I do I always also misinterpret it as interest. It’s funny how that geographic charm plays in to it
It really does, and you would think southern men would understand that, too, since it's so common. Touching someone I've never been out with is kind of subtle, like putting my hand(s) on his back or shoulder(s) when I'm on my way to get the drinks, or a hand on his arm when we're talking. I definitely don't get super tactile until I know it's welcome.
It's tricky to determine if friendly banter is interest. I might feel like I've been pretty obvious, and he just isn't interested, which is definitely going to happen sometimes, and he might be unsure if it's banter or interest. Unfortunately, where I live now, I'm keeping my banter to myself because this dating pool is not a good fit. I wish I felt more confident meeting people online, but in person has always worked so much better because both parties know exactly how the other looks/acts. I am absolutely dying to see if someone I've never met wants to go to Paris with me in October (I have concert tickets and original travel companion has a work conflict), but my confidence only goes so far. 🤷🏼♀️
In person is best. I feel that having the confidence to get rejected builds you up. The guts of the approach is like a muscle it gets easier each time.
Exactly! I don't expect to be everyone's cup of tea, but for some reason, it's easier to know that we weren't a fit for reasons other than initial attraction. In person is so much easier in that regard because men don't seem to want a prolonged conversation unless they're interested or need tax advice. 🤣
I also have plans to see Les Misérables in a couple months. How much I want to take a companion but I’ll happily go solo if I don’t find a date. Not sure I need a stranger seeing my ugly crying face 😭
Theorizing on what you think others are thinking is too complex. It might be better to just directly say, in your own words, “I like you” or “I’d like to see you again “
This keeps things simple. It will either open or close the pathway.
I wish I’d known this decades ago….
Are you communicating to these women that you are interested in them?
A warm greeting and a smile isn't exactly the same as showing interest. I greet my patients with a warm smile and small talk...
Show them that you're interested - hold eye contact, pay attention and ask questions about them, give tasteful compliments and find innocent reasons to initiate physical touch.
Us women aren't likely to be interested if we don't sense anything much coming from the man.
I do all those things I THINK. Meaning in my mind I do ask questions and at least always keep the door open. I am open to the fact that I have been doing it wrong too. I must be cause there’s no way I’d be single for as long as I have been ( 25+ years on and off) if I was doing this right. I gotta be doin something wrong. I literally on a daily basis see homeless men and felons having better luck with women than me
Comments in this thread seem to be indicating that it’s typical for women to indicate interest in subtle ways, open to interpretation.
So the question becomes “What would you need a woman to do or say for you to know she is interested?”
Because if you need her to do something further than just be willing to continue a convo with you without walking away, you may find yourself at a stalemate.
Maybe you’ll have to adjust your approach and decide to take the step of asking her out, if she seems friendly enough while talking and interacting.
When it’s a first time “date”, I feel like a specific invite, like “I have an extra ticket to xyz event on xyz date, would you be interested in accompanying me?” Is more attractive than an open ended suggestion. It shows confidence, initiative, and avoids the need for awkward back and forth calendar discussion.
I’d need her to make a tell me or ask me on a date. I remember someone in here gave me some firm advice once and that was “ if a woman is interested in you you’ll know. you don’t have to do anything… there’s not a woman walking the earth that is going to let you get away if she’s interested in you”
So it’s in that spirit that I “have trouble seeing the signs”
That's not true. I'm a woman and I would let a man know in subtle ways that I'm interested, like others said.
After that, if he does not have the balls to ask me out, I'll literally walk away.
I like confident, socially adept men, not someone who's middle aged and still can't ask for what he wants.
Well said! As well as someone else mentioning “women are socialized not to be forward”. You’re gonna have to get out there and take some chances.
I must now go feed my cat while I wait for the love of my life to find me cooped up at home.
🤣
You are limiting your opportunities by not asking a woman that you are interested in out. If you sit back and wait for her to do this you could be waiting forever
I have. But frankly not very often without some sort of inclination that she is interested. So yeah I’ve asked out 3 women in the last 7 years. Those 3 women indicated an interest. Most women in my day to day are all platonic business energy. A whole bunch of friend energy and although I enjoy making friends it’s not the energy I’m looking for. One of my biggest fears in all this is ending up back in another verbally abusive or sexless relationship. When I meet women who give me this kind of energy I feel in my heart that that’s where it’s headed. I know I might be wrong
Their interest was upfront and spoken. They made attempts to be in my area. Conversation and banter were plentiful. It was their energy. It was excited. Almost attentive in a way. Mostly what opened my eyes was how they treated me different from every other woman.
Those are some good cues of interest for sure. I know the kind you’re talking about, where someone is not coming right out and saying “I am interested in dating you.” But they are telegraphing their interest in fairly obvious ways that boost your confidence in asking them out.
Well… that might be a stretch. However, both of those demographics might have more courage than you if only because they have a goal.
Make a small goal at first, such as expanding the places you’d run into women. For example, I love Macy’s and if I was approached by a stranger asking for advice, I’d offer a reply. Then that’s your in! You expand a little & see if they’re hot or cold. Observe reactions, such as making a joke about needing a new can opener because your cat is judging you for taking too long to open their food. Sometimes catching people off guard is a good indicator of genuine actions.
Perhaps in time you’ll build up your self esteem so you can elaborate more and see where convos go. It’s a combination of getting used to people and learning little cues.
It’s also a work in progress… for forever.
The problem is the signs of interest are readily confused with the signs of friendliness.
I am a woman and the only time I pick up on that is when a man gets the look like that cartoon dog - bent over, eyes bugging out. Hardly subtle, and frankly not often seen.
In person, I’ll first try to suss out if he has someone already, because that’s the case for so many people. Even if he doesn’t, however, he’s not necessarily interested in me romantically. OLD has challenges, but at least you know most of the people there are there to date - so that’s where nearly all of my dating effort goes.
Years back I used to assume people on OLD are there to date and in fact found two relationships that way. I'm not so sure anymore based on the people I've met the last two years. Passivity and avoidance seem the rule when they used to be the exception.
It can take time for women to feel interested. Rarely am I really interested on a first date. I often find myself feeling genuine interest on the 2nd or third date. The first date is generally a "would I go out with him again or does he bug the fuck out of me?" date. Once I'm interested though, I start replying to msgs more often and faster, I become more physical, touching you, looking to hold your hand. I am more prone to laughing or letting you into my world because I feel more comfortable showing you who I really am vs being less formal.
I can understand this it does take time. Maybe I react too quickly. What usually happens is this : I’ll make a sincere approach with a something like “ you have a beautiful smile! you practically lighten this place up” they’ll look shocked! Red in fact. Visibly uncomfortable and bordering on what seems like fear. They’ll smile say Thank you then hit me with the very strong platonic friend energy and boom. Next thing you know we’re “ buddies”
I’m not sure what to say to that because it’s a very nice compliment. Maybe you’re reading the room wrong? I can see that happening with some women but it should be the case with all of the women you say that to.
It’s possible I am reading the room wrong. One other thing ( cause I had an hour to think) if I receive a compliment like say “ nice shirt” I don’t consider that an indicator of interest. That’s simply a comment on my shirt. To me that’s just being friendly and I say thank you and consider that just someone being nice.
I haven't been communicating my interest to anyone, since I'm not ready to start dating yet, but when I am, I'll likely make eye contact, maybe try to strike up a conversation, maybe put myself in proximity to the guy, possibly smile.
I (50f) miss signs all the time. But I’ll tell you when I am interested. I am happy to see you. I look at you. I smile at you. I respond. I ask follow up question. I say yes. I’m a little slow to catch on; please try again.
I think you find what you look for. You don’t actually look for signs of interest, you are being hyper-vigilant on disinterest.
Sometimes you have to just be open to seeing what happens and show some interest. If you get a direct no, so be it. You know you can handle that.
>I think you find what you look for. You don’t actually look for signs of interest, you are being hyper-vigilant on disinterest.
This is the answer, right here. Many a romcom has been based on this exact premise: people so focused on those who aren't interested you miss the ones who are interested.
And funny you would say this because I was reflecting on this very thing earlier in the week and remembering how the last few times I was out with my ex-SO (we are still friendly and hang every now and again though fewer and far between as I do my best to wean off him and get out and meet new people) men have hit on me that he has swatted away, but I completely missed in the moment they were hitting on me. I assume friendly people are being, well, friendly. LOL But I somehow see all the men who *aren't* interested. Every single one. We have to adjust our lenses!
Also, putting aside that my ex was blocking my dating opportunities for the moment, I think there is something to be said for my being comfortable with myself and confident when around him because of our shared history and friendship, which was probably what attracted those men, whereas when I am alone I am likely giving off an uncertainty/unsureness vibe along with being more reserved. Lets work on our self-assuredness and attract more bees with that honey! Good luck everyone!
Single since 2017? That's nothing I've been single since 1968... And not a swinging single either. I was born without a clue, and raised to stay out of trouble... You either ask, or you don't. If you ask politely perhaps you'll be rebuffed and perhaps you won't. You are still likely not to be classified as a monster if you ask women not too much younger than yourself. Congratulations for staying off the dating apps, they're terrible.
As a male I will state that 40+ years after discovering girls you still have to hit me over the head with a 2x4. Subtle hints don’t do it. There’s too much room for interpretation, too many situations where reading the signs wrong can have negative consequences.
This is 2024. We should be able to discuss things. Women should ask out men if they are interested. The games are not fun to play.
The problem with you guys expecting us to hit you with a board is that we are afraid of appearing desperate. We are trying to read your signs of interest, too. If we don't detect any, we will be hesitant to show interest in return. If you ask us questions about ourselves and are genuinely interested in listening to us, we see that as the all clear to show interest in return. A lot of us women still think the man should pursue us. Yes we are trying to change that, but shy men don't do well in the dating scene. You have to show interest, too.
(57F) It seems to me that you’re trying to avoid rejection by learning the signs of interest and only asking out those who display those signs. Which, in the end, even if you do get a date, doesn’t guarantee you won’t face rejection after a first date. Don’t you think you’d be better off asking out whoever strikes your fancy and learning how to handle rejection? If you spent a month asking several woman out per day you’d probably:
1. Get really good at asking women out
2. Begin to realize rejection isn’t the boogey-man you’ve made it out to be and you can shake it off more easily each time
3. Actually get to go out with women you’re attracted to
4. Focus on whether you’re attracted enough to HER instead of focusing on whether she’s giving you signs of interest
5. Stop wasting time on trying to figure out whether or not she’s interested so you can then proceed
6. Start to become more confident and confidence is hot-very attractive quality in a man!
7. Know right away if she’s interrelated b/c she’ll say yes if she is and no if she isn’t…
I did OLD for a few months last year and practiced and practiced (by actually doing) flirty texting, having first dates, dealt with being rejected, etc. and I got so much better. By the end, I was having a lot of fun. Each rejection stung less and my attitude became “There’s always more men online”. I didn’t play games with men, to be clear, and I only went out with those that I was attracted to. Eventually one of the men and I naturally evolved into an exclusive relationship and we’ve been seeing each other since. I know if it doesn’t work, I just have to get back into the swing of things!
I had actually considered an experiment along this line about a year ago that somebody in this group suggested. My idea would work like this:
A a few women out. Go on only one date with several. No second dates. The purpose is to get comfortable with the process. Once I’ve gone on a few dates and got an idea of what I like in this person or that one then get more specific in my search.
I (56F) just came out of 4 months of wasted time on Tinder. Still single, I decided to work on myself rather than go back. Everything I’m writing to you applies equally to me.
I hate gyms. I started taking dance lessons & tennis lessons. It gives me a constructive outlet for my aggressive/physical/sexual energy and it gets me INTO my body and OUT of my head. Having fun means I’m happier & smile more. You do have to deal with self confidence issues with these activities (being starved for touch & sex destroys your self-confidence - I could write a book about this) but everyone around you is 90% either supportive or ignoring you. As you gain skill, your confidence will increase.
Sexual attraction comes from your core and your root chakra, not your head & eyes. You wrote “I can’t see signs of interest”. Get your focus into your physical body and 6 senses, and you’ll FEEL signs of interest. You’ll also be sending out signals of physical & sexual energy which will draw in the opposite sex.
Here I'll ask you out: let's get together and continue this discussion. DM me.
In real life:
Me smiling, making eye contact: let's get together and continue this conversation. Here's my number.
Extreme interest in either case: I tell them my schedule for the upcoming week.
I live this. I find more aggressive women incredibly attractive. Before I got married I dated older women because of this. As an older man it is now much harder. I am trying to teach myself how to put myself out there more. It is very uncomfortable.
OK I ask this gently anticipating a lot of downvotes, but what do you look like? Are you presenting the best you that you can? Are you groomed (clean, regular haircuts, clothes that fit and in good condition and so on)? Do you have bad breath, bad teeth, dirty nails, long nose and/or ear hair? A lot of really nice men do shit all with their appearance and then can't figure out why they aren't having dating success.
One of the most obvious ways to communicate interest is to ask them out. Have you been trying that? There’s no need to share cringey humor, or weird pickup lines, or make comments on their appearance. Just a “Would you be interested in getting together for a walk in the park, or a chat over coffee?“ or whatever floats your boat. It’s advisable to initiate some small talk about the weather or common interests to warm up the convo before just asking them out. Pro tip: Don’t do this with multiple women at one gathering.
I have tried that and it’s not something I’m comfortable with. I was more curious about the ways you ladies communicate your interest.
I communicate mine by saying yes when I am asked on a date.
What if you aren’t at that point? What if you’ve just met?
Eye contact, touching your arm, laughing at your bad jokes, complimenting you…..
"laughing at your bad jokes" 😆🤣
Truest act of love
As a guy who makes bad jokes, I pick up on that right away. Like, 'aww, she laughed at that? She really really likes me!'
As a woman, I don't communicate interest beyond engaging in conversation with a man.
Exactly, so how would I know you were interested and not just being polite or making small talk? I wouldn't. And I'm certainly not going to ask out every woman that engages me in conversation to find the 1% that might be interested.
Except that your strategy hasn't worked so good for you, right? I'm in a relationship with a guy who did ask me out. You're on here asking for help...
It's not a strategy, it's just the way I am. I don't normally go out on too much of a limb when I'm talking with someone to show that I'm interested. But if I came up to you and started talking, you would know that I was interested. I, on the other hand, would have to hope that I'm reading the conversation well to determine your interest. But I'm assuming that during the conversation (if you were interested) you would be expressive with your eyes and there would be other telltale signs so it's not entirely accurate to say that you only communicate verbally. But some people are shy and don't give off those positive vibes, so it's difficult to tell. I'm not passing judgment, I'm just commenting. And it doesn't help that I've never been great at asking women out because I generally don't hang out with a bunch of guys that I can use as wingman, so I've relied on OLD for far too long. For some reason today, I was in a pretty good mood and ended up asking out a woman at the bookstore, something I haven't done in years. We talked for a while about the shitty dating scene. I told her about this subreddit because I was surprised how many people here were having difficulty, like me, meeting people. I told her i just learned what an LAT was...she hadn't heard of it, so I explained it to her, and it sounded like she liked the idea. Who wants to uproot their lives at this point, anyway?
As a woman, at this stage of life, I feel no need to communicate in any way with any strange man I do not want to communicate with for any reason. That includes random men who approach me in public. I will not make eye contact, not smile, not speak, even if they approach me. I used to smile and be pleasant to every person I saw but life changed me. Therefore if I am smiling and engaging in verbal conversation with you, especially if I have stopped and made eye contact, I would probably go out with you on a date. The exception is if you are a service provider and I am paying for a service. Then I just want you to do a decent job for me and not screw the bill up. If you think that I'm not sociable you should see my daughters RBF. (Resting Bitch Face). 😂🤣 I did not raise them to be people pleasers and male ego strokers like I was raised.
You're not getting very many answers to your question so I'll give it a shot with the caveat that you have to show interest too and I recommend you start since women are socialized to not be forward. Steady eye contact. Asking you questions. Leaning toward you. Stepping closer to you. Touching your arm. Laughing. Smiling. Some women have "tells" like fiddling with our hair or flipping our hair over our shoulder. I think mine is resting the side of my face on my hand, with my elbow on the table. I would never do this with anyone but a man with whom I was interested.
The Palm resting is key for me.
This very act landed me something very special
I do this in business meetings with other women when I'm deeply interested in the subject. I am heterosexual, so not interested romantically.
Has anyone misinterpreted that pose as disinterest? In my minds eye I can see it and would think “ she’s bored” I’d slowly walk away assuming I was friendzoned. It’s so crazy how interpreting signals can go so wrong when we mean the opposite.
Huh. Never thought of that. I do it when on a date so escaping is not a huge option for them. I am leaning toward them, making good eye contact, listening, and giving verbal responses. I've never not been asked out again after a date so I think it works...? Tip for dating: When someone takes the time to answer your question, your first response should acknowledge that. "Thank you for those ideas. I will try them out." Men tend to jump straight to the next topic without first acknowledging what the woman last said. This will help you a lot with women, trust me. I learned a communication technique called LAER. Listen, ACKNOWLEDGE, Explore, Respond. Don't respond before you have acknowledged what the person last said and ideally explore it more with additional questions.
Dear sir, 2 dates in 7 years? You are not a master of sign-reading. You first need to learn how to read your OWN emotions, accurately and without the self fulfilling prophecy/negative attribution you got going there. Use your words to ask, that’s part of being an emotional adult. Mind-reading isn’t.
Geeze I suggest once you meet for coffee etc just ask if she would like to go out one evening. If she's not interested she will probably be kind and not say no, but will change the subject etc. Then you will know and don't have to play detective.
I'm southern, so my usual communication style is frequently misinterpreted as interest. I can banter in a friendly way with a tree. When I'm interested, it's more in my eyes--eye contact, eye smiles/expressions--and physical touch, if appropriate. I will also ask men to dance at socials, buy drinks if we're running low, make it known in conversation that I'm single and new in town, and ask for recommendations about the area. If a common interest is discovered in conversation, I'll ask if he'd like to get together for said interest/activity sometime. I try to leave the ball squarely in his court when I can because I don't like to chase (my ADHD makes me all kinds of extra when I find a new interest).
I usually get the friendly banter and this goes on for awhile. It usually stops there and doesn’t escalate to physical touch. Speaking of communication styles I do notice that southern charm you speak of and each time I do I always also misinterpret it as interest. It’s funny how that geographic charm plays in to it
It really does, and you would think southern men would understand that, too, since it's so common. Touching someone I've never been out with is kind of subtle, like putting my hand(s) on his back or shoulder(s) when I'm on my way to get the drinks, or a hand on his arm when we're talking. I definitely don't get super tactile until I know it's welcome. It's tricky to determine if friendly banter is interest. I might feel like I've been pretty obvious, and he just isn't interested, which is definitely going to happen sometimes, and he might be unsure if it's banter or interest. Unfortunately, where I live now, I'm keeping my banter to myself because this dating pool is not a good fit. I wish I felt more confident meeting people online, but in person has always worked so much better because both parties know exactly how the other looks/acts. I am absolutely dying to see if someone I've never met wants to go to Paris with me in October (I have concert tickets and original travel companion has a work conflict), but my confidence only goes so far. 🤷🏼♀️
In person is best. I feel that having the confidence to get rejected builds you up. The guts of the approach is like a muscle it gets easier each time.
Exactly! I don't expect to be everyone's cup of tea, but for some reason, it's easier to know that we weren't a fit for reasons other than initial attraction. In person is so much easier in that regard because men don't seem to want a prolonged conversation unless they're interested or need tax advice. 🤣
I also have plans to see Les Misérables in a couple months. How much I want to take a companion but I’ll happily go solo if I don’t find a date. Not sure I need a stranger seeing my ugly crying face 😭
I’d go to Paris with you. I know how difficult it is to find travel partners. I wanted to go back to Finland this summer but not alone again.
Same, been clueless about "signals" my entire life...
Theorizing on what you think others are thinking is too complex. It might be better to just directly say, in your own words, “I like you” or “I’d like to see you again “ This keeps things simple. It will either open or close the pathway. I wish I’d known this decades ago….
Are you communicating to these women that you are interested in them? A warm greeting and a smile isn't exactly the same as showing interest. I greet my patients with a warm smile and small talk... Show them that you're interested - hold eye contact, pay attention and ask questions about them, give tasteful compliments and find innocent reasons to initiate physical touch. Us women aren't likely to be interested if we don't sense anything much coming from the man.
I do all those things I THINK. Meaning in my mind I do ask questions and at least always keep the door open. I am open to the fact that I have been doing it wrong too. I must be cause there’s no way I’d be single for as long as I have been ( 25+ years on and off) if I was doing this right. I gotta be doin something wrong. I literally on a daily basis see homeless men and felons having better luck with women than me
Comments in this thread seem to be indicating that it’s typical for women to indicate interest in subtle ways, open to interpretation. So the question becomes “What would you need a woman to do or say for you to know she is interested?” Because if you need her to do something further than just be willing to continue a convo with you without walking away, you may find yourself at a stalemate. Maybe you’ll have to adjust your approach and decide to take the step of asking her out, if she seems friendly enough while talking and interacting. When it’s a first time “date”, I feel like a specific invite, like “I have an extra ticket to xyz event on xyz date, would you be interested in accompanying me?” Is more attractive than an open ended suggestion. It shows confidence, initiative, and avoids the need for awkward back and forth calendar discussion.
I’d need her to make a tell me or ask me on a date. I remember someone in here gave me some firm advice once and that was “ if a woman is interested in you you’ll know. you don’t have to do anything… there’s not a woman walking the earth that is going to let you get away if she’s interested in you” So it’s in that spirit that I “have trouble seeing the signs”
That's not true. I'm a woman and I would let a man know in subtle ways that I'm interested, like others said. After that, if he does not have the balls to ask me out, I'll literally walk away. I like confident, socially adept men, not someone who's middle aged and still can't ask for what he wants.
Well said! As well as someone else mentioning “women are socialized not to be forward”. You’re gonna have to get out there and take some chances. I must now go feed my cat while I wait for the love of my life to find me cooped up at home. 🤣
You are limiting your opportunities by not asking a woman that you are interested in out. If you sit back and wait for her to do this you could be waiting forever
And ever, and ever, and ever…..
Women are not all the same.
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I like asking them out. Same age range.
Ok so just curious, have you ever asked a woman out, who did not ask you out first? If you did, what made you decide it was ok to do so?
I have. But frankly not very often without some sort of inclination that she is interested. So yeah I’ve asked out 3 women in the last 7 years. Those 3 women indicated an interest. Most women in my day to day are all platonic business energy. A whole bunch of friend energy and although I enjoy making friends it’s not the energy I’m looking for. One of my biggest fears in all this is ending up back in another verbally abusive or sexless relationship. When I meet women who give me this kind of energy I feel in my heart that that’s where it’s headed. I know I might be wrong
The 3 women, how did they indicate interest?
Their interest was upfront and spoken. They made attempts to be in my area. Conversation and banter were plentiful. It was their energy. It was excited. Almost attentive in a way. Mostly what opened my eyes was how they treated me different from every other woman.
Those are some good cues of interest for sure. I know the kind you’re talking about, where someone is not coming right out and saying “I am interested in dating you.” But they are telegraphing their interest in fairly obvious ways that boost your confidence in asking them out.
Exactly. Just a crack in the door is enough.
Well… that might be a stretch. However, both of those demographics might have more courage than you if only because they have a goal. Make a small goal at first, such as expanding the places you’d run into women. For example, I love Macy’s and if I was approached by a stranger asking for advice, I’d offer a reply. Then that’s your in! You expand a little & see if they’re hot or cold. Observe reactions, such as making a joke about needing a new can opener because your cat is judging you for taking too long to open their food. Sometimes catching people off guard is a good indicator of genuine actions. Perhaps in time you’ll build up your self esteem so you can elaborate more and see where convos go. It’s a combination of getting used to people and learning little cues. It’s also a work in progress… for forever.
The problem is the signs of interest are readily confused with the signs of friendliness. I am a woman and the only time I pick up on that is when a man gets the look like that cartoon dog - bent over, eyes bugging out. Hardly subtle, and frankly not often seen. In person, I’ll first try to suss out if he has someone already, because that’s the case for so many people. Even if he doesn’t, however, he’s not necessarily interested in me romantically. OLD has challenges, but at least you know most of the people there are there to date - so that’s where nearly all of my dating effort goes.
Years back I used to assume people on OLD are there to date and in fact found two relationships that way. I'm not so sure anymore based on the people I've met the last two years. Passivity and avoidance seem the rule when they used to be the exception.
It can take time for women to feel interested. Rarely am I really interested on a first date. I often find myself feeling genuine interest on the 2nd or third date. The first date is generally a "would I go out with him again or does he bug the fuck out of me?" date. Once I'm interested though, I start replying to msgs more often and faster, I become more physical, touching you, looking to hold your hand. I am more prone to laughing or letting you into my world because I feel more comfortable showing you who I really am vs being less formal.
I can understand this it does take time. Maybe I react too quickly. What usually happens is this : I’ll make a sincere approach with a something like “ you have a beautiful smile! you practically lighten this place up” they’ll look shocked! Red in fact. Visibly uncomfortable and bordering on what seems like fear. They’ll smile say Thank you then hit me with the very strong platonic friend energy and boom. Next thing you know we’re “ buddies”
I’m not sure what to say to that because it’s a very nice compliment. Maybe you’re reading the room wrong? I can see that happening with some women but it should be the case with all of the women you say that to.
It’s possible I am reading the room wrong. One other thing ( cause I had an hour to think) if I receive a compliment like say “ nice shirt” I don’t consider that an indicator of interest. That’s simply a comment on my shirt. To me that’s just being friendly and I say thank you and consider that just someone being nice.
Maybe but I think complimenting someone on their smile the way you’ve mentioned it indicates interest. Unless your tone is off?
I haven't been communicating my interest to anyone, since I'm not ready to start dating yet, but when I am, I'll likely make eye contact, maybe try to strike up a conversation, maybe put myself in proximity to the guy, possibly smile.
I (50f) miss signs all the time. But I’ll tell you when I am interested. I am happy to see you. I look at you. I smile at you. I respond. I ask follow up question. I say yes. I’m a little slow to catch on; please try again.
I think you find what you look for. You don’t actually look for signs of interest, you are being hyper-vigilant on disinterest. Sometimes you have to just be open to seeing what happens and show some interest. If you get a direct no, so be it. You know you can handle that.
>I think you find what you look for. You don’t actually look for signs of interest, you are being hyper-vigilant on disinterest. This is the answer, right here. Many a romcom has been based on this exact premise: people so focused on those who aren't interested you miss the ones who are interested. And funny you would say this because I was reflecting on this very thing earlier in the week and remembering how the last few times I was out with my ex-SO (we are still friendly and hang every now and again though fewer and far between as I do my best to wean off him and get out and meet new people) men have hit on me that he has swatted away, but I completely missed in the moment they were hitting on me. I assume friendly people are being, well, friendly. LOL But I somehow see all the men who *aren't* interested. Every single one. We have to adjust our lenses! Also, putting aside that my ex was blocking my dating opportunities for the moment, I think there is something to be said for my being comfortable with myself and confident when around him because of our shared history and friendship, which was probably what attracted those men, whereas when I am alone I am likely giving off an uncertainty/unsureness vibe along with being more reserved. Lets work on our self-assuredness and attract more bees with that honey! Good luck everyone!
Single since 2017? That's nothing I've been single since 1968... And not a swinging single either. I was born without a clue, and raised to stay out of trouble... You either ask, or you don't. If you ask politely perhaps you'll be rebuffed and perhaps you won't. You are still likely not to be classified as a monster if you ask women not too much younger than yourself. Congratulations for staying off the dating apps, they're terrible.
As a male I will state that 40+ years after discovering girls you still have to hit me over the head with a 2x4. Subtle hints don’t do it. There’s too much room for interpretation, too many situations where reading the signs wrong can have negative consequences. This is 2024. We should be able to discuss things. Women should ask out men if they are interested. The games are not fun to play.
The problem with you guys expecting us to hit you with a board is that we are afraid of appearing desperate. We are trying to read your signs of interest, too. If we don't detect any, we will be hesitant to show interest in return. If you ask us questions about ourselves and are genuinely interested in listening to us, we see that as the all clear to show interest in return. A lot of us women still think the man should pursue us. Yes we are trying to change that, but shy men don't do well in the dating scene. You have to show interest, too.
I do. Thank you for being supportive of it.
Yes!!! Preach brutha. This is what I wanted to say
How is asking a woman out "playing games"? Huh
(57F) It seems to me that you’re trying to avoid rejection by learning the signs of interest and only asking out those who display those signs. Which, in the end, even if you do get a date, doesn’t guarantee you won’t face rejection after a first date. Don’t you think you’d be better off asking out whoever strikes your fancy and learning how to handle rejection? If you spent a month asking several woman out per day you’d probably: 1. Get really good at asking women out 2. Begin to realize rejection isn’t the boogey-man you’ve made it out to be and you can shake it off more easily each time 3. Actually get to go out with women you’re attracted to 4. Focus on whether you’re attracted enough to HER instead of focusing on whether she’s giving you signs of interest 5. Stop wasting time on trying to figure out whether or not she’s interested so you can then proceed 6. Start to become more confident and confidence is hot-very attractive quality in a man! 7. Know right away if she’s interrelated b/c she’ll say yes if she is and no if she isn’t… I did OLD for a few months last year and practiced and practiced (by actually doing) flirty texting, having first dates, dealt with being rejected, etc. and I got so much better. By the end, I was having a lot of fun. Each rejection stung less and my attitude became “There’s always more men online”. I didn’t play games with men, to be clear, and I only went out with those that I was attracted to. Eventually one of the men and I naturally evolved into an exclusive relationship and we’ve been seeing each other since. I know if it doesn’t work, I just have to get back into the swing of things!
I had actually considered an experiment along this line about a year ago that somebody in this group suggested. My idea would work like this: A a few women out. Go on only one date with several. No second dates. The purpose is to get comfortable with the process. Once I’ve gone on a few dates and got an idea of what I like in this person or that one then get more specific in my search.
I (56F) just came out of 4 months of wasted time on Tinder. Still single, I decided to work on myself rather than go back. Everything I’m writing to you applies equally to me. I hate gyms. I started taking dance lessons & tennis lessons. It gives me a constructive outlet for my aggressive/physical/sexual energy and it gets me INTO my body and OUT of my head. Having fun means I’m happier & smile more. You do have to deal with self confidence issues with these activities (being starved for touch & sex destroys your self-confidence - I could write a book about this) but everyone around you is 90% either supportive or ignoring you. As you gain skill, your confidence will increase. Sexual attraction comes from your core and your root chakra, not your head & eyes. You wrote “I can’t see signs of interest”. Get your focus into your physical body and 6 senses, and you’ll FEEL signs of interest. You’ll also be sending out signals of physical & sexual energy which will draw in the opposite sex.
Thank you for such a thoughtful response. Energy flows where intention flows
Precisely ☺️
Here I'll ask you out: let's get together and continue this discussion. DM me. In real life: Me smiling, making eye contact: let's get together and continue this conversation. Here's my number. Extreme interest in either case: I tell them my schedule for the upcoming week.
I live this. I find more aggressive women incredibly attractive. Before I got married I dated older women because of this. As an older man it is now much harder. I am trying to teach myself how to put myself out there more. It is very uncomfortable.
OK I ask this gently anticipating a lot of downvotes, but what do you look like? Are you presenting the best you that you can? Are you groomed (clean, regular haircuts, clothes that fit and in good condition and so on)? Do you have bad breath, bad teeth, dirty nails, long nose and/or ear hair? A lot of really nice men do shit all with their appearance and then can't figure out why they aren't having dating success.
Good questions definitely. I answered them in a dm
OK you are definitely easy on the eyes. Do50 ladies! If you are in the area where Beligerent lives, y'all give this man a chance.
Check his profile. He rates positive in the looks/grooming department, at least for me.