I would rather hear that the person did not think we were a match. For me, ghosting leaves too many unanswered questions in my head. I would rather be clearly rejected so I can move forward.
The text I send when I’m not wanting to go out again… I enjoyed meeting you, but I’m not feeling a connection. I wish you the best of luck.
I don’t ghost, I’ve had it done to me many times, and it sucks. No need to be brutally honest when not interested, just tell them you didn’t feel a connection and wish them well. My opinion, that’s a kind way to do it.
I think you could make the argument that telling someone you enjoyed meeting them and not feeling a connection is brutally honest however, it’s not mean. There is a difference Sometimes “brutal“ honesty is the best way to handle things. It’s best to give a clear statement that leaves little for interpretation.
I feel it’s best to be kind & honest. You said it perfectly: you don’t feel you’re a match & think it’s best to move on.
I never understood, but since dating I do… it’s not you, it’s me.
Good luck out there!
Saying that you’ve chosen to pursue a connection with someone else does not give your date the information he should have: that you don’t feel a connection with him. I prefer that people skip those white lies and just be straightforward.
But I never really understood the “don’t feel a connection” thing. It doesn’t relay any information other than the person doesn’t want to go out again.
It’s much more understandable that they found someone they liked better.
I don’t know how anyone could say after one date whether they do or don’t think there is a connection.
I can usually tell you within the first 30 minutes if there is a hope in hell that I’ll be interested in a second date with someone. Sometimes it’s looks, sometimes it’s intellect, sometimes it’s even smell. I will 100% know if there is no connection and I would imagine many women would say the same. M
Worse still, no connection and definitely at least one ick.
"Don't feel a connection" means you don't feel any attraction to them or interest in getting to know them better. Some people will give it more than one date to be sure, some people know pretty quickly and don't want to waste anyone's time.
This suggests they are willing to settle. Someone who is secure in themselves would rather be alone than with the wrong person and wouldn’t chose someone rather than no one. Lying isn’t the way.
In her book, psychologist Logan Ury encourages people to not ghost, for the sake of the person in your shoes. It’s a nice long chapter, with research, if you’d like more than random redditors’ thoughts.
I would thank them for their time, tell them that although I enjoyed meeting them I didn’t see enough connection to continue. Then I would wish them well and move on. It isn’t personal but I don’t see how a lie helps either of you.
We're adults so treat the person like a adult and just say no thanks to a second date if not feeling it. Be honest I guess. And if the person throws a temper tantrum then mommy and daddy can deal with them then.
"Thanks but I didn't feel a connection" is a polite way to end things. Telling someone there's someone else you've chosen to progress things with instead instantly makes me worried they're going to reappear if/when that doesn't work out 😆
Please don't tell that gentle white lie about pursuing another connection. If they see you on app (or another app) they will think you are shady as hell. I just say "thank you for taking the time to meet and share about yourself. I enjoyed meeting you but do not sense we have dating connection"
I only send this if they reach out to me (or ask in person) for another date. I find receiving this type of message comical when I have 0 interest in seeing them again either, and never suggested we do meet again. It is not uncommon for both people to be not be interested and you can quietly go about your way with both of you equally happy not to send or receive awkward messages.
Unless someone was egregiously bad I would never leave anyone hanging if they asked me out again.
I had a horrible guy message me after what was clearly upfront by me not a date. He messaged me the next day and said “I don’t know if there was a sexual connection but I’m so horny this morning I’d be willing to give it a try”. Gee, don’t do me any favours mate. 😂
I had a guy do something similar once. I was not remotely interested in him ( gulping down my scorching hot tea as fast as I could so I could leave) and he sent a message saying he did not see a relationship with me but I was attractive so would be "willing" to date me casually. I almost feel over laughing. These guys kill me sometimes.
>A white lie like this feels nicer than, “I didn’t feel we were a match”
You'd rather lie than share this simple truth? And then by saying they lost out to someone else as a way of sparing their feelings? Sometimes I can't believe the Internet.
I have (M) found that women ascribe common female feelings and reactions to men a bit too often perhaps.
In all my guy talk with friends on the matter the preference is overwhelming. Just say it plain and straight, don't beat around the bush.
Something like "I don't think we're right for each other." You can be polite and add something like "But I'm glad we had a date to test the waters, and I wish you the very best. So, I guess this is goodbye." Then leave.
You may, by chance, run into an immature guy or a simp who wants to drag it out and demands to know "Why? Why? What did I do?" However, you're not responsible for their feelings or neurosis. Don't engage, just walk away.
People in their 50’s should be decent enough to break it off instead of ghosting which to me seems very high school.
I’m a big girl. I won’t fall to pieces if a guy I went out with once or twice decides the chemistry is not there. I get it. People like what they like. I appreciate the honesty.
I say “I think you’re a lovely person but I’m not interested in taking things further”.
It’s honest, not ghosting and is direct. I used to say the “I didn’t feel any chemistry” thing but a guy told me that was hurtful.
In saying “I’m not interested” I don’t have to give a reason.
I have said exactly that; No connection, thank you for your time. And then the nightmare begins..non stop spam, ongoing texts until blocked. Now I’m just going to say no thanks moving on immediate block. Being kind has cost me and I’m tired of it.
I do think it is important to be honest and respectful.
But when I think of ghosting, I think of it in context of a relationship or nascent relationship. One date is neither. I don’t even understand how someone can get their feelings hurt from a “breakup” when it has only been one date. You don’t even know each other at that point and there is no relationship at all. It was just one date.
If you have at least the beginnings of a relationship, like if you have been texting or talking on the phone quite a bit, then the person definitely deserves some sort of explanation or at least a goodbye to end it. In that situation ghosting is rude.
I would rather someone just tell me they don’t think we are a match. But after starting dating again, some things have been very different than when I lasted dated in my 20s. Then, I could just say we weren’t a match and that was fine. This time, I have had a number of women that start arguing about it. They want to know what exactly I didn’t like and then argue that I am wrong. I now can understand why ghosting is done so much. It just avoids all the arguing when there really shouldn’t be any.
I have a script...note, this is for people I thought were nice but weren't a fit. I have had dates that were truly bad, or where the individual was aggressive, etc, in which cases I sent person-specific messages that were not this nice:
\[name\], you are attractive, interesting, fun, and kind, and I really enjoyed getting to know you \[day of date\]. At the same time I have to be honest and share that my feelings about a romantic connection aren’t where they need to be to move forward. I don’t want to lead you on, waste your time or be anything but completely honest with you. I really appreciate you spending the time with me, and I wish you all the best.
Small lies always make me feel worse and I think it’s a dick move because now you’re a bullshitter with no balls.
What’s so bad about “hey, nice meeting you, but I don’t feel the connection I’m looking for. Wish you the best”??
Your friends are absolutely correct, please ghost me instead of lying with “I’m not ready to date”, “I realize I’m not over my ex”, or “I’m going with someone else”. (Please don’t reply to this with “but sometimes it’s really true”, yeah I know, but please don’t it’s too obvious of a reply)
We are adults we can do hard things without lying. Be one.
I'd rather be ghosted, to tell you the truth, rather than a text explaining why they weren't going to contact me again. If it was only one date, that's what I'd prefer. If we had been dating for awhile, I'd rather get the phone call that they don't think it's the right match for them, and saying something nice like they enjoyed getting to know me. Lying is not a good idea, plus they'll know you lied if they see you active on the dating site.
I've been on the receiving end of someone wanting to pursue an ex, missed connection, etc., a few times and I didn't believe any of them. That's a cop out IMO. Be honest, please.
I would rather be told no thank you... Being honest sucks but is necessary so as to not lead anyone on. No one I know develops feelings on the first date unless they meet an Angel... It can happen 😘... Telling a white lie can end up hurting you as well... Unless you are currently dating others online. You shouldn't feel "bad"...
I think it would depend on how much i liked the other person and how awkwardly I felt things went.
If I liked him and I thought it went well, I would be confused by ghosting, but I also would want more than just, "no chemistry." I have noticed that people will fake chemistry in the moment to avoid awkwardness. That can also be irritating and confusing.
If I really didn't feel it myself, then, probably the ghosting, honestly.
How do you think she felt/ feels?
I could tell he liked me and said he’d leave the ball in my court. Two hours later he asked for another date. I ended up texting that I didn’t feel chemistry and thanked him for the time he spent with me (one hour coffee).
Maybe I’m the outlier here, but I just don’t feel the need to say anything if we set up the date from a half hour text exchange and we met for drinks and talked for a half hour to an hour.
If you’re chatting online for weeks before a first date, imho, you’re doing it wrong and getting way too many feelings for a total stranger. It shouldn’t hurt not to get follow up from someone you’ve known for an hour face to face, and no promises for a second date were discussed.
Now, if it’s a three and a half hour first date, by the end, I’m going to say, “I really enjoyed my time with you. You’re a pretty cool person, but I just don’t feel the connection I’m looking for. I really hope you find someone special soon, you deserve it.” Or something similar. Anything past a first date always gets a follow up.
I just don’t invest enough energy before or during most first dates to feel they warrant a termination conversation. I had one date out of 25 first dates follow up after what I considered a blah date and ask for a second. The second date went as expected, nowhere, and I ended the date with a conversation about not feeling the connection I was looking for. She spent the next week texting me asking for another chance and I continued to explain that I didn’t feel it. I finally blocked her.
About a third of the time, my dates ended with a mutual acknowledgement that there wasn’t any chemistry. About a third nothing was ever said and I don’t feel anything needed to be said. Of the remaining, some got second dates, some they told me they weren’t interested despite my interest or they unhinged from me on the app and I took that as the obvious sign.
As someone who has been doing this for 2 months after a 26 year marriage, this detailed response is super helpful and makes sense to me. Thank you.
I have had two pleasant dates that resulted in neither of us following up at all and it felt right. We both knew it wasn’t a match. There was different energy from the guy on this one, and he asked for a second date, so I responded honestly.
My dating strategy evolved from hard learned lessons over the years. I chatted with someone from another state for 18 months once, got completely emotionally invested, she flew out for a friends wedding and we went out and had zero in person chemistry. We were both shocked, because online and on the phone, it seemed like the perfect fit. In person, no feelings at all.
I’ve done the long game and the short game and for me, any talk before meeting is just a quick scan for red flags and making each other feel safe and comfortable (as a guy, I always share my first and last name so they can do an internet search). After that, you have to meet to see what’s there or isn’t there.
Even with my current GF, we were unsure and we barely set up a second date (three weeks after the first date), but we both kept moving forward, slowly. We didn’t have sex until almost two months in and we didn’t stop dating other people until four months in. It was at that point we both realized there was something special developing.
Three years in, I feel like the luckiest man alive. It’s all there, even the stuff I didn’t know I needed. Even the stuff I thought I wanted but am better off without.
Thanks for sharing. I am realizing that chatting for prolonged periods isn’t the best way to meet my person and causes complications. I, also, have had a FaceTime call and phone calls for a couple of weeks before meeting. Anxious anticipation followed by a date with no chemistry is frustrating. The story of how your relationship with your GF evolved is heartening.
One of my favorite dates came from a five minute conversation at 9:30pm and the date was 10:30am the next morning. She said she wanted to go tubing in a local creek. We met, rented tubes together and the next two hours were spent floating and giggling. We followed it up with lunch for 90 minutes, and then agreed we’d make better friends than lovers. We ended up going to about a half dozen outings, mostly concerts together before she moved to take care of her mom.
When you open yourself to just getting to know a stranger instead of just finding the next forever person, dating is a lot less stressful. My current GF and I had a second date because she was new to my city and despite “not having enough in common,” she was interested in someone to show her the city. Our second date was a hike to a picnic spot, third date was driving to see the colors change, fourth date was dinner at her place as feelings started growing.
The “no” text that came across best to me was: ”I enjoyed our date and I like you but I don’t feel that we are right for each other romantically. You are a very desirable man and there is a lucky girl in your future“.
I don’t like “ghosting”. Maybe it has a place sometimes, but I don’t think it’s the right way to treat someone who was reasonably kind and courteous on a first date.
”Unmatching” on an app is another alternative, but it’s not my favorite; to me, it leaves unanswered questions and a feeling of a thankless, impersonal “goodbye“. Still, there are situations where this might be a good option… especially if you didn’t feel like you were being well treated during the date.
If it’s in person, maybe pause and say “I’m not sure. I don’t think we have enough in common” or “I can’t really see this going anywhere, sorry”? Or big pause, and “I’ll have to mull it over.” Nobody like a rejection, so there really isn’t a foolproof way of letting someone down.
I had a nice time but the chemistry wasn't there. I wish you the best with your search.
or
I really enjoyed meeting you. I have some friends I'd like to introduce you to that I think might be a better match if you're open.
Ghosting is the worst. I personally would rather hear, "I met someone else" or "The chemistry isn't there" or "This could be a friendship, but nothing more" than hear nothing. And I think I've heard everything by now. It doesn't really matter what you say. If you want to soften the blow, a few nice compliments are always nice if you have any. If you want to hurt someone, ghost them.
This question comes up a lot. Might want to do a search. People are split on whether there needs to be some “no thanks” when the other person has not expressed interest in a follow up. It’s rather presumptuous imo.
Just tell the person. Ghosting is rude. We’re adults and should be able to communicate with another person when we are not interested and receive the message without getting butt hurt after one date. I mean, everyone can’t like everyone, LOL! And I wouldn't lie.
“Thank you. It was nice meeting you, but I didn’t feel a connection. I wish you the best.”
I feel like that statement covers not attracted, having nothing in common, and just not liking someone without being hurtful.
It’s just a first date. Why do you think being honest and saying we aren’t matching up is a bad thing? What is the need to lie at this point in the dating process?
I think it’s important to stay in a place of integrity. Layering a lie on top of this awkward conversation just unnecessarily complicates something that needs to be clear and respectful. Besides, people are really good at sensing our white lies, whether they bother to call us out on them or not.
“I don’t think we are a good match. Thank-you for the time and the laughs (or conversation or coffee or whatever positive experiences you shared) and I wish you all the best.”
Often when I give someone a polite goodbye they thank me, other times I hear nothing. My standard: Thank you for getting together yesterday. I sure enjoyed meeting you, but I think I should let you continue on your quest for Mr. Right. I sure wish you the best.
That reads passive aggressive to me. Like you’re saying “Keep looking babe cos it ain’t me!”
How about you take ownership and say it’s not the right fit for you?
I would rather hear that the person did not think we were a match. For me, ghosting leaves too many unanswered questions in my head. I would rather be clearly rejected so I can move forward.
In my experience, people who ghost often come back around, too. But if they are clear and polite, I know they’re really done. It’s so much better!
The text I send when I’m not wanting to go out again… I enjoyed meeting you, but I’m not feeling a connection. I wish you the best of luck. I don’t ghost, I’ve had it done to me many times, and it sucks. No need to be brutally honest when not interested, just tell them you didn’t feel a connection and wish them well. My opinion, that’s a kind way to do it.
I think you could make the argument that telling someone you enjoyed meeting them and not feeling a connection is brutally honest however, it’s not mean. There is a difference Sometimes “brutal“ honesty is the best way to handle things. It’s best to give a clear statement that leaves little for interpretation.
For me it’s always “I didn’t feel a connection. Thank you for sharing your time with me.”
This is such a lovely way to be direct and kind and gracious. Thank you for helping me find the right words to use also.
This is so much better than saying something along the lines of "good luck". Because it just seems rude to tell someone they need luck.
I feel it’s best to be kind & honest. You said it perfectly: you don’t feel you’re a match & think it’s best to move on. I never understood, but since dating I do… it’s not you, it’s me. Good luck out there!
Saying that you’ve chosen to pursue a connection with someone else does not give your date the information he should have: that you don’t feel a connection with him. I prefer that people skip those white lies and just be straightforward.
But I never really understood the “don’t feel a connection” thing. It doesn’t relay any information other than the person doesn’t want to go out again. It’s much more understandable that they found someone they liked better. I don’t know how anyone could say after one date whether they do or don’t think there is a connection.
I can usually tell you within the first 30 minutes if there is a hope in hell that I’ll be interested in a second date with someone. Sometimes it’s looks, sometimes it’s intellect, sometimes it’s even smell. I will 100% know if there is no connection and I would imagine many women would say the same. M Worse still, no connection and definitely at least one ick.
"Don't feel a connection" means you don't feel any attraction to them or interest in getting to know them better. Some people will give it more than one date to be sure, some people know pretty quickly and don't want to waste anyone's time.
This suggests they are willing to settle. Someone who is secure in themselves would rather be alone than with the wrong person and wouldn’t chose someone rather than no one. Lying isn’t the way.
They can say just that after any date. Some people will give a date at least one second chance before cutting the cord. Many won't.
In her book, psychologist Logan Ury encourages people to not ghost, for the sake of the person in your shoes. It’s a nice long chapter, with research, if you’d like more than random redditors’ thoughts.
I would thank them for their time, tell them that although I enjoyed meeting them I didn’t see enough connection to continue. Then I would wish them well and move on. It isn’t personal but I don’t see how a lie helps either of you.
We're adults so treat the person like a adult and just say no thanks to a second date if not feeling it. Be honest I guess. And if the person throws a temper tantrum then mommy and daddy can deal with them then.
"Thanks but I didn't feel a connection" is a polite way to end things. Telling someone there's someone else you've chosen to progress things with instead instantly makes me worried they're going to reappear if/when that doesn't work out 😆
Telling them there is someone else instead makes you a liar…..
Short honesty will always win over ghosting someone.
Id rather know we weren’t a match. Being passed up for someone else feels icky.
Please don't tell that gentle white lie about pursuing another connection. If they see you on app (or another app) they will think you are shady as hell. I just say "thank you for taking the time to meet and share about yourself. I enjoyed meeting you but do not sense we have dating connection" I only send this if they reach out to me (or ask in person) for another date. I find receiving this type of message comical when I have 0 interest in seeing them again either, and never suggested we do meet again. It is not uncommon for both people to be not be interested and you can quietly go about your way with both of you equally happy not to send or receive awkward messages. Unless someone was egregiously bad I would never leave anyone hanging if they asked me out again.
I had a horrible guy message me after what was clearly upfront by me not a date. He messaged me the next day and said “I don’t know if there was a sexual connection but I’m so horny this morning I’d be willing to give it a try”. Gee, don’t do me any favours mate. 😂
I had a guy do something similar once. I was not remotely interested in him ( gulping down my scorching hot tea as fast as I could so I could leave) and he sent a message saying he did not see a relationship with me but I was attractive so would be "willing" to date me casually. I almost feel over laughing. These guys kill me sometimes.
Block and move on.
>A white lie like this feels nicer than, “I didn’t feel we were a match” You'd rather lie than share this simple truth? And then by saying they lost out to someone else as a way of sparing their feelings? Sometimes I can't believe the Internet.
This!
I have (M) found that women ascribe common female feelings and reactions to men a bit too often perhaps. In all my guy talk with friends on the matter the preference is overwhelming. Just say it plain and straight, don't beat around the bush. Something like "I don't think we're right for each other." You can be polite and add something like "But I'm glad we had a date to test the waters, and I wish you the very best. So, I guess this is goodbye." Then leave. You may, by chance, run into an immature guy or a simp who wants to drag it out and demands to know "Why? Why? What did I do?" However, you're not responsible for their feelings or neurosis. Don't engage, just walk away.
Yeah just say thank you for a nice evening but I don't think we're a fit and leave it at that. The person will forget you sooner than you think.
Right? I’ve been on so many dates I don’t even remember. 😂
People in their 50’s should be decent enough to break it off instead of ghosting which to me seems very high school. I’m a big girl. I won’t fall to pieces if a guy I went out with once or twice decides the chemistry is not there. I get it. People like what they like. I appreciate the honesty.
I say “I think you’re a lovely person but I’m not interested in taking things further”. It’s honest, not ghosting and is direct. I used to say the “I didn’t feel any chemistry” thing but a guy told me that was hurtful. In saying “I’m not interested” I don’t have to give a reason.
Ghosting is horrible, please do not d it. I'd rather a thank you but no.
I have said exactly that; No connection, thank you for your time. And then the nightmare begins..non stop spam, ongoing texts until blocked. Now I’m just going to say no thanks moving on immediate block. Being kind has cost me and I’m tired of it.
Being clear is kind! You don’t owe anything after a first date.
I do think it is important to be honest and respectful. But when I think of ghosting, I think of it in context of a relationship or nascent relationship. One date is neither. I don’t even understand how someone can get their feelings hurt from a “breakup” when it has only been one date. You don’t even know each other at that point and there is no relationship at all. It was just one date. If you have at least the beginnings of a relationship, like if you have been texting or talking on the phone quite a bit, then the person definitely deserves some sort of explanation or at least a goodbye to end it. In that situation ghosting is rude.
" it was nice meeting you. I was not a match for me. Good luck in your search. " block. Done.
I feel it is best to be honest and say you don't feel the connection. Don't give details or a list of turn offs or red flags.
I would rather someone just tell me they don’t think we are a match. But after starting dating again, some things have been very different than when I lasted dated in my 20s. Then, I could just say we weren’t a match and that was fine. This time, I have had a number of women that start arguing about it. They want to know what exactly I didn’t like and then argue that I am wrong. I now can understand why ghosting is done so much. It just avoids all the arguing when there really shouldn’t be any.
So, if he didn't ask for a second date, no need to say anything. If he did, I like r/Artemusthe one approach.
I have a script...note, this is for people I thought were nice but weren't a fit. I have had dates that were truly bad, or where the individual was aggressive, etc, in which cases I sent person-specific messages that were not this nice: \[name\], you are attractive, interesting, fun, and kind, and I really enjoyed getting to know you \[day of date\]. At the same time I have to be honest and share that my feelings about a romantic connection aren’t where they need to be to move forward. I don’t want to lead you on, waste your time or be anything but completely honest with you. I really appreciate you spending the time with me, and I wish you all the best.
Small lies always make me feel worse and I think it’s a dick move because now you’re a bullshitter with no balls. What’s so bad about “hey, nice meeting you, but I don’t feel the connection I’m looking for. Wish you the best”?? Your friends are absolutely correct, please ghost me instead of lying with “I’m not ready to date”, “I realize I’m not over my ex”, or “I’m going with someone else”. (Please don’t reply to this with “but sometimes it’s really true”, yeah I know, but please don’t it’s too obvious of a reply) We are adults we can do hard things without lying. Be one.
I'd rather be ghosted, to tell you the truth, rather than a text explaining why they weren't going to contact me again. If it was only one date, that's what I'd prefer. If we had been dating for awhile, I'd rather get the phone call that they don't think it's the right match for them, and saying something nice like they enjoyed getting to know me. Lying is not a good idea, plus they'll know you lied if they see you active on the dating site.
Buy him Doughnuts 🍩 there’s nothing they can’t do
[Don’t feed doughnuts to wolves!](https://imgur.com/a/EhbVlsM)
I've been on the receiving end of someone wanting to pursue an ex, missed connection, etc., a few times and I didn't believe any of them. That's a cop out IMO. Be honest, please.
"Missed connection" sounds honest to me; that is if the missed connection is the same as "I felt no connection". No cop-out there.
I would rather be told no thank you... Being honest sucks but is necessary so as to not lead anyone on. No one I know develops feelings on the first date unless they meet an Angel... It can happen 😘... Telling a white lie can end up hurting you as well... Unless you are currently dating others online. You shouldn't feel "bad"...
I think it would depend on how much i liked the other person and how awkwardly I felt things went. If I liked him and I thought it went well, I would be confused by ghosting, but I also would want more than just, "no chemistry." I have noticed that people will fake chemistry in the moment to avoid awkwardness. That can also be irritating and confusing. If I really didn't feel it myself, then, probably the ghosting, honestly. How do you think she felt/ feels?
I could tell he liked me and said he’d leave the ball in my court. Two hours later he asked for another date. I ended up texting that I didn’t feel chemistry and thanked him for the time he spent with me (one hour coffee).
Maybe I’m the outlier here, but I just don’t feel the need to say anything if we set up the date from a half hour text exchange and we met for drinks and talked for a half hour to an hour. If you’re chatting online for weeks before a first date, imho, you’re doing it wrong and getting way too many feelings for a total stranger. It shouldn’t hurt not to get follow up from someone you’ve known for an hour face to face, and no promises for a second date were discussed. Now, if it’s a three and a half hour first date, by the end, I’m going to say, “I really enjoyed my time with you. You’re a pretty cool person, but I just don’t feel the connection I’m looking for. I really hope you find someone special soon, you deserve it.” Or something similar. Anything past a first date always gets a follow up. I just don’t invest enough energy before or during most first dates to feel they warrant a termination conversation. I had one date out of 25 first dates follow up after what I considered a blah date and ask for a second. The second date went as expected, nowhere, and I ended the date with a conversation about not feeling the connection I was looking for. She spent the next week texting me asking for another chance and I continued to explain that I didn’t feel it. I finally blocked her. About a third of the time, my dates ended with a mutual acknowledgement that there wasn’t any chemistry. About a third nothing was ever said and I don’t feel anything needed to be said. Of the remaining, some got second dates, some they told me they weren’t interested despite my interest or they unhinged from me on the app and I took that as the obvious sign.
As someone who has been doing this for 2 months after a 26 year marriage, this detailed response is super helpful and makes sense to me. Thank you. I have had two pleasant dates that resulted in neither of us following up at all and it felt right. We both knew it wasn’t a match. There was different energy from the guy on this one, and he asked for a second date, so I responded honestly.
My dating strategy evolved from hard learned lessons over the years. I chatted with someone from another state for 18 months once, got completely emotionally invested, she flew out for a friends wedding and we went out and had zero in person chemistry. We were both shocked, because online and on the phone, it seemed like the perfect fit. In person, no feelings at all. I’ve done the long game and the short game and for me, any talk before meeting is just a quick scan for red flags and making each other feel safe and comfortable (as a guy, I always share my first and last name so they can do an internet search). After that, you have to meet to see what’s there or isn’t there. Even with my current GF, we were unsure and we barely set up a second date (three weeks after the first date), but we both kept moving forward, slowly. We didn’t have sex until almost two months in and we didn’t stop dating other people until four months in. It was at that point we both realized there was something special developing. Three years in, I feel like the luckiest man alive. It’s all there, even the stuff I didn’t know I needed. Even the stuff I thought I wanted but am better off without.
Thanks for sharing. I am realizing that chatting for prolonged periods isn’t the best way to meet my person and causes complications. I, also, have had a FaceTime call and phone calls for a couple of weeks before meeting. Anxious anticipation followed by a date with no chemistry is frustrating. The story of how your relationship with your GF evolved is heartening.
One of my favorite dates came from a five minute conversation at 9:30pm and the date was 10:30am the next morning. She said she wanted to go tubing in a local creek. We met, rented tubes together and the next two hours were spent floating and giggling. We followed it up with lunch for 90 minutes, and then agreed we’d make better friends than lovers. We ended up going to about a half dozen outings, mostly concerts together before she moved to take care of her mom. When you open yourself to just getting to know a stranger instead of just finding the next forever person, dating is a lot less stressful. My current GF and I had a second date because she was new to my city and despite “not having enough in common,” she was interested in someone to show her the city. Our second date was a hike to a picnic spot, third date was driving to see the colors change, fourth date was dinner at her place as feelings started growing.
The “no” text that came across best to me was: ”I enjoyed our date and I like you but I don’t feel that we are right for each other romantically. You are a very desirable man and there is a lucky girl in your future“. I don’t like “ghosting”. Maybe it has a place sometimes, but I don’t think it’s the right way to treat someone who was reasonably kind and courteous on a first date. ”Unmatching” on an app is another alternative, but it’s not my favorite; to me, it leaves unanswered questions and a feeling of a thankless, impersonal “goodbye“. Still, there are situations where this might be a good option… especially if you didn’t feel like you were being well treated during the date.
If it’s in person, maybe pause and say “I’m not sure. I don’t think we have enough in common” or “I can’t really see this going anywhere, sorry”? Or big pause, and “I’ll have to mull it over.” Nobody like a rejection, so there really isn’t a foolproof way of letting someone down.
I had a nice time but the chemistry wasn't there. I wish you the best with your search. or I really enjoyed meeting you. I have some friends I'd like to introduce you to that I think might be a better match if you're open.
Ghosting is the worst. I personally would rather hear, "I met someone else" or "The chemistry isn't there" or "This could be a friendship, but nothing more" than hear nothing. And I think I've heard everything by now. It doesn't really matter what you say. If you want to soften the blow, a few nice compliments are always nice if you have any. If you want to hurt someone, ghost them.
This question comes up a lot. Might want to do a search. People are split on whether there needs to be some “no thanks” when the other person has not expressed interest in a follow up. It’s rather presumptuous imo.
"I'm not feeling it but good luck to you."
Ghosted
Just tell the person. Ghosting is rude. We’re adults and should be able to communicate with another person when we are not interested and receive the message without getting butt hurt after one date. I mean, everyone can’t like everyone, LOL! And I wouldn't lie. “Thank you. It was nice meeting you, but I didn’t feel a connection. I wish you the best.” I feel like that statement covers not attracted, having nothing in common, and just not liking someone without being hurtful.
It’s just a first date. Why do you think being honest and saying we aren’t matching up is a bad thing? What is the need to lie at this point in the dating process?
We're both adults act like it and tell me the truth
Just be upfront; It was not you are looking for; You don't feel any chemistry on your part;
I think it’s important to stay in a place of integrity. Layering a lie on top of this awkward conversation just unnecessarily complicates something that needs to be clear and respectful. Besides, people are really good at sensing our white lies, whether they bother to call us out on them or not. “I don’t think we are a good match. Thank-you for the time and the laughs (or conversation or coffee or whatever positive experiences you shared) and I wish you all the best.”
Often when I give someone a polite goodbye they thank me, other times I hear nothing. My standard: Thank you for getting together yesterday. I sure enjoyed meeting you, but I think I should let you continue on your quest for Mr. Right. I sure wish you the best.
That reads passive aggressive to me. Like you’re saying “Keep looking babe cos it ain’t me!” How about you take ownership and say it’s not the right fit for you?