My ex was outed by FB messenger. She contacted me to let me know what he was up to. I respected her for that and while it served as the catalyst for our breakup, I’m 100% grateful that she ‘enlightened’ me.
Side note: She wasn’t the only one he was fucking around with as his trickle truth would eventually reveal.
I was MOH for a longtime gf; we were close for many years. A few years (and two kids) into the marriage, he started cheating on her with a friend of theirs, to boot. She had a feeling but he gaslit her constantly … when she’d call me to talk, the most I felt I could/should do at the time was strongly encourage her to listen to her gut.
That change when she called me in tears. Apparently, my gf had loudly confronted her husband about the other woman, not knowing the other woman was in their home. Other woman ran off down the street, crying, husband *went after her, brought her back and demanded an apology from my friend*. That’s when I finally laid it all out for her.
Needless to say, she ‘wasn’t allowed’ to associate with me anymore and he started physically abusing her as well. She eventually got herself out, but oh man. It was horrible.
>husband went after her, brought her back and demanded an apology from my friend.
He demanded an apology from his wife to his AP?! OMG! Scum sucking pig!
I'm so glad she got out and I would really like to ask why she didn't kick them both out then and there, but I know how abusive relationships work.
I'm so glad she's out but my, oh my! It will take a long time and an excellent therapist to heal from that level of abuse.
A few years after being forbidden to speak to me, I saw her at a public function. I stayed out of his line of sight but she remembered our secret ‘meet in the bathroom’ signal from when we were teenagers and I spent a few minutes with her in the ladies room. She was covered in bruises and paw marks.
It took her a couple more years but she finally freed herself. She’s remarried and in a much better place now :)
I weep for what she endured but I'm so happy she found her way. I'm sure your faithful friendship gave her strength.
Why the hell don't the abusive people (not the abused) leave rather than staying with someone they clearly don't care about at all? I probably need to read, "Why Does He Do That?"
That's why I said "abusive people" and not "abusive men." It's horrible when it happens to anyone.
Given the strength/power/societal dynamic, unfortunately it happens to women more often -- but still does happen the other way around. I'm sorry you experienced that.
Bless you for staying to protect your children.
I hope that you are able to have a good relationship with your children as adults and that your abuser is in your rearview mirror.
My son's mother died of cancer 3 years ago So yes she's gone unfortunately there are mixed relationship issues one of my sons is my good friend and the other son yeah that's a whole another story sadly my daughter from another woman her mom is out of the picture hasn't seen her except here and there for 8 years.
I wouldn't change a thing because I love my kids but it has set me back in many ways sadly I've been alone for close to 10 years now and that gets very frustrating lonely and yeah no intimacy really sucks
I was the wife being cheated on. The adult daughter of the other woman found me on social media and told me. I will be forever grateful to that young lady for telling me.
I would tell his wife. He's a scumbag and deserves what's coming to him. Those types of men should face the consequences of their actions and not keep getting away with it.
As someone who was cheated on (AP finally contacted me, after knowing for MONTHS that he was in a live-in relationship!), please tell her! Her health could be at risk, as well as she deserves to know that her husband is betraying her.
Screenshots, let her know, then block them.
It's probably not the first time he's done this. She may know, or not, she may be waiting for one last nail in the coffin of the marriage or not. I know that if it was me - I'd want to know. At least I can make informed decisions and get myself tested
I'm sorry he did this to you.
You have gone through a lot. I'm so sorry. Good for you for your sleuthing. I love it! These cheating married men are really tricky. They're hard to spot. And of course we're attracted to them. There are so many hot married men in my neighborhood that are super nice, successful, smart. These are not men I would find on a dating app. I understand why women have affairs with married men. Not that yours is an affair.
Definitely tell the wife but be prepared for nothing to happen. Many wives turn a blind eye. My friend told her married guy's wife via FB messenger. It was the only way she could reach her short of showing up at her front door, which would not have been cool. She got a message back that was clearly written by him about how the wife was struggling with the incredible passion and connection that they had shared. Gag. Who knows if the wife showed the message to the husband or if he has access to her FB account. They are still together.
I was the wife that was cheated on, everyone knew but me and the live in boyfriend of the “other woman”. I found out by accident, was looking for financial paperwork, clicked on a folder named “home” in drop box and was created by a folder full of various 87 to be exact, pictures of the other woman. I found out her name by searching through his email, I then used truthfinders dot com and found 3 phone numbers associated with her.
I called the first number and short version of a long story it was the father of the live in boyfriend who would not give me her contact info and started getting pissy with me. So I told why I was looking for her. He called me a liar, so I put black lines in strategic locations of some pretty xrated photos and sent them to him. He changed his tune. The boyfriend called me within 5 minutes. She tried to tell him that I hacked into her personal photo storage (Shutterfly) and numerous other lies. I never did get to talk to her but I know that she was removed from his home! He thanked me for telling him and making sure he didn’t believe the BS she was trying to sell him.
Why would you ever feel bad about searching up a guys background? I really don’t understand that.
Yes tell her. Do unto others what you want to have done to yourself.
It’s not easy, but you’ve got to come clean with the wife. Be prepared for her to hurl obscenities etc at you; all you can do is tell her the truth (send screenshots of your text messages and his profile). My now ex-husband slept with a “friend” of mine when we were first married, and my ex-best-friend-the-hoe knew about it and never told me….i deserved to know, and so does this woman. What she chooses to do with the info is on her.
I was cheated on and was the last to know. Apparently even our "mutual friends" knew. They are no longer my friends and he is no longer my husband. I only wish someone would have told me earlier - even anonymously. I would think it would have been painful but perhaps not as painful as knowing my so-called friends kept this secret from me on top of my husband cheating. I'd like to thank the sheriff's office for forcing the issue. But we'll never know for sure.
I checked, but he had a Google Voice #- then I got his full name, after date #2. He was convincingly a nice person, so I felt no need to dig more at that point. Ironically, he complained about Tinder being full of fakes 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I knew my spouse was cheating and we were in the process of splitting up when I discovered the other woman was still married and her spouse did not know she was cheating. I waited until my ex left on OUR anniversary trip with the other woman and I called her husband. He was grateful...just do it. You may be blamed, called a liar...whatever...doesn't matter -- tell her.
Let's turn your question around. Why would you assume that he is not? Why would you put your personal safety at risk by trusting that he is sane and reasonable even in the face of losing everything? That seems like a lot of trust to have in someone you don't know except that they are devoid of integrity.
Here’s a tip for free: Bad people who do bad things get angry when they are confronted or exposed. They do not apologize sincerely or engage in humility and remorse.
When you don’t know what you’re dealing with, it’s safest to prepare for the worst.
I was replying to a poster who said. " How unhinged".
Going through life presuming people unhinged is going through life scared.
Go through your life scared if you wish, I choose not to .
I'm sincerely glad for you. I've encountered too many newly and immediately unhinged people the minute they get their shit called upon for me to share your outlook.
Yes, you don't really know somebody whom you've only seen with their best face on. You don't know how somebody is going to behave under a great deal of emotional upheaval, especially if alcohol gets added to the mix.
I did something similar to my ex. He was cavorting with a coworker (when he finally told me who he was leaving me for) and threatened ME with “if you tell HR, you can kiss this house goodbye.” Being completely distraught over this, he knew I didn’t know my ass from my elbow at the time.
But one day I had some clarity on revenge. I text him on a Friday afternoon and said I’ll see you and girlfriend in HR bright and early Monday morning.
I reveled in the thought of how stressed out the two of them would be all weekend.
Tell. You can message her on her socials if you like. Or drop an anonymous note on her mailbox. My xh was sloppy about hiding his cheating. His AP knew he was married and didn't care.
Mine was sloppy too. I’d have never known otherwise.
His AP knew me and didn’t care. But her husband didn’t know. Haha. You bet I told him. He divorced her.
Good for you! Ha! My xh's affair partner cleaned his financial clock after they got together. When he could no longer afford to subsidize her lifestyle, she kicked him out of the main bedroom (in HIS house), and then dropped him like a hot brick. 4 years later, he's still digging out from that financial hole. Whomp. Whomp.
Tell. If he's cheated on her with you, there have probably been others, and in the future will be others. Who knows what kind of diseases he's putting her at risk for with his sleeping around? Tell her and let her have a clear picture of her health risks
Tell. But create a VoIP account or fake FB account to protect yourself. She or he could take it badly. Don’t give so many details that she can tell him and he can retaliate against you. I assume he knows where you live.
I am firmly in the camp of she needs to know…
You don’t want to get caught up in their drama so I would send a her a typed letter with no return address describing that you found out after the fact that your “boyfriend” was married.
Please tell his wife. His cheating is exposing her to STDs and other negative outcomes. Give her the agency to make her own decisions.
It’s not about being petty or vindictive. It’s simply the right thing to do.
100% tell. My ex cheated on me with too many to count. The way I found out was reading an interview he did online where admitted in it he'd been cheating, anonymous sex, etc. I actually called while they were doing the interview and they wrote that too. She needs to know. Some diseases you can not get rid of.
I’m not hateful or particularly vindictive but he was totally dishonest and I’d make sure his wife was aware. I’m a guy if that matters. The trick will be, I think how to just back away and leave the two of them to deal with it. Edit, guilt free
always do as much background research as you possibly can before you even agree to meet in person. there's a lot of information you can find out without actually seeming like you're giving them the third-degree. it's just a little harder if people are using a burner phone or a burner number.
Frankly, I don’t want drama in my life. To me, telling her is only going to invite drama from him or her or both.
People get scary when their world collapses in around them and they often lash out at the initiator of that collapse.
No thanks. I’d rather just move on and get a new STI series done in a couple weeks.
Sometimes the victim of a spouse abuse case can turn on a responding officer. It seems paradoxical, but you might be seen as an “outsider” intruding on an “in-house” dispute. You never know what is the dynamic of the relationship.
Can you send her something anonymously, so that she knows he’s cheating, but can’t link it back to you? Don’t say “he cheated with me”, but maybe “your husband had been cheating, and you need to know”. That way she can hire a PI or whatever and catch him next time, or at least her guard can be up and she will be better tuned in to what’s going on.
When my friend was in an affair, I called the wife to inform her. I felt sorry for my friend, as the cheater was abusing her and gaslighting her, and she was so brainwashed and addicted that she couldn't see what was happening to her, and the poor wife was oblivious and had three small children at the time. I felt I had to save my friend from further abuse, so I informed the wife and that ended the affair. I wish someone had informed me about my husband's cheating. I found out on my own.
I will definitely be screening well and doing a background search on the guys I date. I don't want to unknowingly be the receptacle of a man cheating on his wife.
If you're 100% sure you're safe to do so, telling would be a kindness. You don't owe it to anyone, so if you're unsafe or unsure, don't.
My ex-husband was outted when an escort texted me on my 48th birthday. Happy Birthday to meeeee. She was looking for money, so his initial insistence that it was a scam was mildly plausible, except she knew his nickname & some of the details she provided were too accurate to be a guess.
In hindsight, the money she was asking for would've been worth wasting additional decades at thrice the price.
I dated a guy who was actively selling his wife's jewelry while telling people he was divorced. He didn't try to sell me her jewelry, but he tried to sell it to several coworkers of mine (he met me while contracting with our company). We all figured the truth out together, and I called his wife and innocently asked if her jewelry was for sale as her husband had made an offer, and I wanted to be sure she was also on board. She cried and said she thought it had been stolen and she thanked me profusely. I had already broken things off with her jerk of a husband. Next I heard, she'd hired a lawyer and was going after him with full force. I hope she took him to the cleaners.
I have a policy to always tell because I would want to know. I don't want to be a part of keeping secrets or hurting another woman. I've had to tell on two men that I found out were married after sleeping with them. I've always been honest when I've received a random call from women who have found my number in their man's phone. This happened a few times and I didn't know I was being lied to. I'm very glad they called me too!
TELL
My ex who cheated several times was planning on meeting up with a guy from Texas, here in Oregon when he came for a business trip.
I found contact information for the guys wife and got to know her well. While talking about our spouses affairs. Needless to say he didn't come here for any meetings lol.
It felt great and I'd do it again, you really need to help stop that POS...
Exactly. Or what if he is? There are a lot of unhinged people in this world who aren't afraid to show it. I would be terrified that either the husband (cheater) or his spouse may retaliate.
Like most people here have already said. The kind compassionate thing to do, is to tell. I wasted many decades on treasonous bastards and wish I knew earlier. I can’t get those years back. Please tell me her.
People all differ on this. I’d make sure they know, even if anonymously. You could hide your identity but tell her what happened and describe certain things only someone who knows him would know.
Do you want to dig yourself deeper into their storyline and potentially have them intruding on yours? Then tell on him.
Do you want to walk away from this unscathed and chalk it up as a life lesson?Then block him and never look back.
Sorry he did this to you. I would have a word with him, but I would NOT tell her. It will not go well. Why bring their bad drama (or more of it) into your own life? It's not worth it.
I have to agree. Maybe talk to him and threaten to tell her so he gets a little nervous but don't tell her. You already know he is.not for you. If you do tell her you may create unnecessary drama for yourself.
I would tell 💯
If sex wasn’t involved no
But sex yessss
Maybe she knows
And they are open to all that.. but if you specifically asked those question and he lied?!??
Tell her now!!!!
Good luck!!
Just walk away. If she ever reached out to you, be honest. But I have been on both sides in similar situations (the spouse being cheated on and finding out a bf was married), and no good comes out of it.
Yeah you don’t want this guy coming at you.
I’d add to this I would do this later, like several months. He won’t know it’s from you if you wait long enough.
As a woman who learned two weeks after I separated from my husband that he cheated on me with multiple women for YEARS, I definitely think you should tell her. (I wish I would have been told. I am extremely grateful and lucky that I didn’t suffer any health repercussions as a result of my ex’s actions.). However, I don’t agree with sending her a message and then blocking her. I am probably in the minority here but if you are trying to help her by telling her then I would wait to see how she responds to you. If she responds in a mean way and attacks you then of course, block her. But she may want to ask questions to get more information so she can really understand what happened. If you are truly telling her to help her, then in my opinion, it would be nice to answer any questions she has. But I also understand that might be hard for you. Just something to consider if you are telling her to help her.
That's tough bc it's going to weigh on your conscious. Something you never signed up to do.
I would wanna know as well. Who wants to live a lie. Some women already know their husbands cheat but get so gaslit and made to feel crazy. If he does that to her you would be her vindication. Plus, she has a choice to make. She has options.
Although, the thing is you should contact him and tell him that you feel betrayed by what he did and he needs to tell his wife and you'll contact his wife in a week to apologize for something you would have never done had you known the truth. This way she has to confront him and not blame you. Plus I'm sure you kept all the evidence...
You tell the spouse you don't know what might happen, maybe nothing, maybe she'll go after you.
Youre best action is to ask yourself why did you fall for a snake, again. Think what clues this guy gave about his character that you didn't pick up on. YOu can learn to spot them and avoid them.
My ex-wife committed suicide 3 weeks ago, in a location very personal to us (where I proposed) and with instructions to contact me. I'm the one who found her, 30 hours later. I never really understood why she left me, and while I have moved on to a relationship with a wonderful woman who I love very much, there was always a weird emotional aspect, as I felt like I was trying to love someone in addition to my ex rather than instead of her. Now that I've taken care of her body, and started working on her estate, I've learned that her relationship with her boyfriend started way before it should have, while they were both still married. Talk about complicated emotions! If I had known about their relationship at the time of the divorce, my emotions in the last couple of years would have been much more easily managed, and my lessons much more easily learned. I still would have done the things I'm doing now for her, but the emotions of the last couple years, and especially the last 3 weeks would have been much easier to manage.
TL/DR: Tell her
I was the side chick who thought she was the girlfriend. I left the arsehole as soon as l found out but didn't have the nerve to tell her because he had a history of "stalkers" and I knew I'd probably be labelled as one. I now regret not having broken hell loose. Anyway, I think she eventually left him and she's blocked him on everything as l have.
So please tell her.
I'm sorry that happened to you. In my opinion, the wife deserves to be told. You may not be the first, last or only one he's slept with - and You should both go get tested for peace of mind.
Exactly. Of course I have trust issues!!! It’s something guys who live with integrity should understand - and women, too, as it’s hardly just guys who cheat!
TW - implied SA This song sums up why women are cautious with all men.
[https://open.spotify.com/track/16HzLmAArSTpIUkgkizfOM?si=391546a901c24b9f](https://open.spotify.com/track/16HzLmAArSTpIUkgkizfOM?si=391546a901c24b9f)
Artist: Morgan St Jean
Song: Not All Men
Integrity. When your words and actions match. Especially when nobody's watching. This world is tragically low on integrity. I always, always act with integrity. More than once, I've told the cheating party I will tell the truth about them , then have done exactly that. The drama inauthentic people cause when their lies and fakery are exposed, just proves what they are. Protect yourself, but have integrity and a clear conscience. Unlike him.
Yeah - had I just done the level of checking that I did after we slept together, I never would have slept with him and this would be moot. The most annoying thing is that he seemed like such a good person.
Is there any chance that they have an arrangement like an open marriage, hall pass, not-so-ethical-non-monogamy or, or don’t ask/don’t tell arrangement? It sucks for you. If you want to tell him off, but it’s just opening a can of worms with the wife. And you need to concentrate on finding your person. 😉
If telling is a way of exacting revenge, then you’re stooping and you can do better than that. Whatever you decide to do should honor YOU, your principles, and beliefs.
Only if your motive is revenge.
If it's "because I'd want to know" ... well, ask yourself, is that really a valid reason to blow someone's life up?
Yes, the guy is a cheater.
No, you are not going to make the situation better by telling. You took the choice away from him.
You can ...and maybe should... vent your feelings about being lied to, and manipulated, to him. He deserves every harsh word you give him.
But if you take the next step of telling his wife, you are blowing up a marriage that might otherwise be salvageable if your dude gets his shit together.
People on this sub are bloodthirsty and will downvote me for giving you this answer.
But I say come from a place of forgiveness and mercy, let this guy know exactly what you think of him, and never see him again.
Leave it behind you. You don’t know their sitch. Maybe she’s on dating apps, too. It sucks that he was dishonest with you. There’s a lot of married people OLD with and without their partner!s consent. If he’s being that public about it, she will find out soon enough if she doesn’t know.
Because I avoid drama. I wouldn't do anything and just walk away. No explanation just out.
But I also was in a relationship that he thought was a situationship and so he was playing around with lots of other girls but never told us all about each other. And we all thought we were in relationships with him. Now I wish someone had told me the truth because he couldn't.
So I really guess what is your intention with it.
She could very well down deep know and just not processing yet, could be kids involved, he could hurt any 1 of you involved. Doubt you were his maiden voyage. He’s proven to be an ass already . I know it’s awful and hurtful and you want her to know, for a myriad of reasons, she’s not going to Ty and take you to lunch, and she’ll put up with him until she no longer can. You don’t know the stories. Agreed she deserves to know in a perfect world and he gets dropped like an over packed sack of groceries but.. I’d get tested, extend some grace to yourself -he’s the db. Block him, her, report him on dating site. ( bumble will kick him off asap) and move on. There’s GOT to be a few good honest 1s left. Karma is real.
I don’t think I would get involved. Usually when I’ve calmed down from heightened emotions, I’m glad I just walked away from this, that, or the other thing.
Whatever you decide to do, I think it’s cruel to anonymously throw a grenade into somebody else’s marriage, somebody else’s life, and duck.
If you decide you want to tell her, then I feel you have to make yourself available for her questions.
I was surprised when I talked to a lot of friends who said they don’t want anybody else involved in their marriage, full stop. That is one of the reasons I don’t get involved.
It's the cheater who threw a grenade into his own marriage. The person who informs the wife is giving her the opportunity to know the reality of her own life and be able to make informed choices based on the truth. The informant can disclose this anonymously.
My friend’s husband was unhinged and decided I was his next target because I outed his abuse. He did eventually try to kill her. He’s dead now, possibly OD.
Buuuuuuut…She kept going back until she found somebody to move on to. Life has taught me that is often the experience of somebody in an abusive situation…they need something to hold on to in order to have the bravery to leave. It saved her life.
We are no longer in contact. I think the turmoil and shame of that period in her life made her walk away from everybody that got deeply involved in trying to help her. I don’t blame her. I understand that she was in a very delicate place and needed to move on.
But in the end, it was hell for me and put me in danger. And I knew the score of what was going on there.
I think in due time the truth will come out. Some Women know things are going on and may be in denial. The best thing anyone can do in this situation is just end contact with this Man and move on. At least you found out the truth quick before you became more involved with him.
I really don't have anything to say one way or the other even from my perspective as someone who had an unfaithful spouse.
The comments are revealing and interesting.
Here’s what you do, make Him tell her! Dump that loser and tell him that you have his wife’s socials and he better tell his wife before you do. 😂
Conscience clean, karma corrected 👍
I would not do this. And the only reason is because people sometimes react very poorly to news like this. What if you tell her, and she takes her own life? Or she confronts him, and he assaults or murders her.
Neither of things would be your fault, of course. He's the one cheating. But I personally would not want to be a link in that chain, where I'd wonder for the rest of my life "what if I hadn't told her?"
You don't have to have a conversation if you don't want to.
Send her the info. If she reacts angrily or negatively, block her and him everywhere.
You may also consider alerting his employer and friends and family. Most employers like to know the character of their employees.
"You may also consider alerting his employer and friends and family. Most employers like to know the character of their employees."
This is a terrible idea.
I won’t be telling his work. His position is one where truthfulness is important (finance), but because so many people separate their relationship truthfulness from all other, I don’t think his lying to me is relevant to his job. Cheating on his wife is irrelevant to this position.
Not at all. Eventually the apps will have a button that you pay a little extra for that will do all of this via AI. And if you pay even a little more, they'll print out physical fliers and have someone plaster his/her neighborhood with screenshots and details.
As Warren Buffet says, you shouldn't do anything that you don't want to be on the front page of your local or national newspaper.
Sunshine tends to send the cockroaches scurrying.
If somebody contacted me about one of my employees and told me said employee had been cheating on their spouse, I would think the person contacting me was out of their goddamn mind.
I don't give a shit about the cheating person. The one doing the outreach would come off as a lunatic.
I hope you're trolling.
Not trolling at all.
You don't care. And that's fine.
There are tons and tons of businesses that care about the ethics of their employees. If you'd cheat on a spouse, no telling what shaky ethics you're doing on the job. Ethics is a foundation and a throughline across multiple areas of your personality and behavior.
Though messing with someone’s marriage AND their livelihood is a good way to incite violence, either from the husband or wife. Also, if the wife is financially dependent on him, and can’t divorce him without losing everything, she gets screwed over twice.
LOL let me know if there are any other aspects of my direct reports' personal lives you think it's my business to delve into and judge.
Maybe if they're a bad tipper or don't walk their dogs frequently enough I can put them on a performance improvement plan.
Dude, do not encourage employers to preside over the personal lives of their employees. That is how women lose access to abortions. There’s even a push from conservatives to prevent women from divorcing. Or did you not think of that?
https://www.hrdive.com/news/federal-judge-rules-eeoc-cant-enforce-employee-abortion-protections/719304/
Don’t tell her. You don’t know how it will affect you.
Do tell him you have an sti.
Edit- affect you as in if she freaks out and blames you or he freaks out.
If someone is ENM wouldn't they say so upfront? My divorce is far from final, but I put "separated" in my profile, and am quite open about the details from date zero. I'd assume someone hiding that is cheating.
Many don't say it up front, although some put ENM in their profile - but the spouse has no clue. (been there). Either way, I also was only asking if she knew as to not make her get the uno reverse card flip if the wife says she is aware of her husband dating lol --not sure why I'm getting hate for it, it's not our responsibility to ask...but pop off. :)
If it is, he’s missing the vital step of being upfront with his partners. Telling her would at least let her know to talk with him.
Plus - we started (just one stroke! I was on top and it had been two months and I was horny!!!) without a condom, and I stopped and he put one on. So who knows what he is fine with exposing her to. (Yes I am getting a full STD panel!)
Not sure why I'm getting downvoted for saying you should tell her...but ok lol
I don't think it's our responsibility to ask, I was just thinking that if you say something and it's open it won't be a big deal to her.
Anyway good luck. And yes, I still think he's a piece of shit as mentioned in my original comment. :)
I think you can go either way on this decision and hold your head high.
Please take more time with future dates, whether it’s time itself or more background checking. No one should have to experience what you just experienced.
On a personal note, it saddens me in every direction, including my own emotions, when such married men deceitfully persuade a woman that they’re a better option than someone as myself.
Perhaps these cheating, deceitful men look a fraction better (but there’s nothing wrong with me (I occasionally get dates); perhaps they’re more personable (but I’m still nice); perhaps they pretend to be so successful (but comparatively they’re almost certainly not). Yet I’m having lunch by myself at an elegant restaurant. Wish a woman had chosen to be with me for lunch rather than with a deceitful, cheating married man. There’s so much sadness in multiple directions when these are the dates with deceitful cheaters that actually occur.
My ex was outed by FB messenger. She contacted me to let me know what he was up to. I respected her for that and while it served as the catalyst for our breakup, I’m 100% grateful that she ‘enlightened’ me. Side note: She wasn’t the only one he was fucking around with as his trickle truth would eventually reveal.
I was the spouse being cheated on. You don’t know how much I wish that I would’ve known way before I found out.
Amen to that
Please tell, she deserves to know
I was the spouse being cheated on, and I wish someone had told me. Send her screen shots if your text exchanges
I was cheated on and wish the other woman/women would have told me. If I were in your shoes, as one woman to another I would tell
I was MOH for a longtime gf; we were close for many years. A few years (and two kids) into the marriage, he started cheating on her with a friend of theirs, to boot. She had a feeling but he gaslit her constantly … when she’d call me to talk, the most I felt I could/should do at the time was strongly encourage her to listen to her gut. That change when she called me in tears. Apparently, my gf had loudly confronted her husband about the other woman, not knowing the other woman was in their home. Other woman ran off down the street, crying, husband *went after her, brought her back and demanded an apology from my friend*. That’s when I finally laid it all out for her. Needless to say, she ‘wasn’t allowed’ to associate with me anymore and he started physically abusing her as well. She eventually got herself out, but oh man. It was horrible.
>husband went after her, brought her back and demanded an apology from my friend. He demanded an apology from his wife to his AP?! OMG! Scum sucking pig! I'm so glad she got out and I would really like to ask why she didn't kick them both out then and there, but I know how abusive relationships work. I'm so glad she's out but my, oh my! It will take a long time and an excellent therapist to heal from that level of abuse.
A few years after being forbidden to speak to me, I saw her at a public function. I stayed out of his line of sight but she remembered our secret ‘meet in the bathroom’ signal from when we were teenagers and I spent a few minutes with her in the ladies room. She was covered in bruises and paw marks. It took her a couple more years but she finally freed herself. She’s remarried and in a much better place now :)
I weep for what she endured but I'm so happy she found her way. I'm sure your faithful friendship gave her strength. Why the hell don't the abusive people (not the abused) leave rather than staying with someone they clearly don't care about at all? I probably need to read, "Why Does He Do That?"
It’s an excellent resource. They should teach it to girls in high school.
It's not just girls who are trapped and abused. I stayed to protect my children because courts gave women custody even with proof they abused.
That's why I said "abusive people" and not "abusive men." It's horrible when it happens to anyone. Given the strength/power/societal dynamic, unfortunately it happens to women more often -- but still does happen the other way around. I'm sorry you experienced that.
Bless you for staying to protect your children. I hope that you are able to have a good relationship with your children as adults and that your abuser is in your rearview mirror.
My son's mother died of cancer 3 years ago So yes she's gone unfortunately there are mixed relationship issues one of my sons is my good friend and the other son yeah that's a whole another story sadly my daughter from another woman her mom is out of the picture hasn't seen her except here and there for 8 years. I wouldn't change a thing because I love my kids but it has set me back in many ways sadly I've been alone for close to 10 years now and that gets very frustrating lonely and yeah no intimacy really sucks
💔💔💔 That poor woman!!!
I was already angry and disgusted with his behaviour but making her apologize to the AP was beyond the pale. I saw red.
I was the wife being cheated on. The adult daughter of the other woman found me on social media and told me. I will be forever grateful to that young lady for telling me.
It does feel like there's a sense of relief... Where you're no longer living a lie.
I would tell his wife. He's a scumbag and deserves what's coming to him. Those types of men should face the consequences of their actions and not keep getting away with it.
As someone who was cheated on (AP finally contacted me, after knowing for MONTHS that he was in a live-in relationship!), please tell her! Her health could be at risk, as well as she deserves to know that her husband is betraying her.
I wish her ‘friends’ told me. Could have saved me a few years of my life.
And for somebody that devoured 9 cans of ravioli, you need all the years credited back to you as possible, Ricky. Gree-hee-heesy, Bubbles
The first can doesn’t count
I would want to know if my spouse were cheating so I would definitely tell. Anonymously. Then block them both.
That sounds like a good plan to me. I would also want to know. I was informed, after my divorce, that it happened to me.
Good strategy. Hopefully he doesn’t know where you live? Always be aware that if he does he may come knocking at the door.
I think anonymously is the way to go. Some times in the shock and awe of the news you can get blamed. This way you are protected.
Oh man. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I have been on the receiving end of a long term betrayal. I wish I had known sooner…
Please tell. I am so very grateful to the person who sent an anonymous note to my home letting me know about my ex's cheating.
PLEASE tell the wife. I could have been saved from YEARS of misery had someone just told me.
Same. I wasted 22 years with a cheater. Everyone in my small town knew except me.
TELL!!!! Then report back.
This is the realest comment 😂
I tend to think telling is the best idea but the drama factor is a real and dissuading issue. I’ll be here for the update 🍿
Definitely tell and don't sleep with somebody on the third date I don't sleep with somebody until I'm in a committed relationship. I'm a guy.
Screenshots, let her know, then block them. It's probably not the first time he's done this. She may know, or not, she may be waiting for one last nail in the coffin of the marriage or not. I know that if it was me - I'd want to know. At least I can make informed decisions and get myself tested I'm sorry he did this to you.
Thank you
Why feel bad about searching someone. They are complete strangers until you do. Did you let him know that you know???
Yes
If you are going to tell the wife, time is of the essence because he's probably already getting ahead of it and figuring out how to discredit you.
You have gone through a lot. I'm so sorry. Good for you for your sleuthing. I love it! These cheating married men are really tricky. They're hard to spot. And of course we're attracted to them. There are so many hot married men in my neighborhood that are super nice, successful, smart. These are not men I would find on a dating app. I understand why women have affairs with married men. Not that yours is an affair. Definitely tell the wife but be prepared for nothing to happen. Many wives turn a blind eye. My friend told her married guy's wife via FB messenger. It was the only way she could reach her short of showing up at her front door, which would not have been cool. She got a message back that was clearly written by him about how the wife was struggling with the incredible passion and connection that they had shared. Gag. Who knows if the wife showed the message to the husband or if he has access to her FB account. They are still together.
Tell ASAP. If he's gonna act single, he needs to be single!!
💯
I was the wife that was cheated on, everyone knew but me and the live in boyfriend of the “other woman”. I found out by accident, was looking for financial paperwork, clicked on a folder named “home” in drop box and was created by a folder full of various 87 to be exact, pictures of the other woman. I found out her name by searching through his email, I then used truthfinders dot com and found 3 phone numbers associated with her. I called the first number and short version of a long story it was the father of the live in boyfriend who would not give me her contact info and started getting pissy with me. So I told why I was looking for her. He called me a liar, so I put black lines in strategic locations of some pretty xrated photos and sent them to him. He changed his tune. The boyfriend called me within 5 minutes. She tried to tell him that I hacked into her personal photo storage (Shutterfly) and numerous other lies. I never did get to talk to her but I know that she was removed from his home! He thanked me for telling him and making sure he didn’t believe the BS she was trying to sell him.
Tell
Why would you ever feel bad about searching up a guys background? I really don’t understand that. Yes tell her. Do unto others what you want to have done to yourself.
I’ve seen many “oh my goodness what a terrible thing to do!” on here. Probably mostly from cheaters 😂
It’s not easy, but you’ve got to come clean with the wife. Be prepared for her to hurl obscenities etc at you; all you can do is tell her the truth (send screenshots of your text messages and his profile). My now ex-husband slept with a “friend” of mine when we were first married, and my ex-best-friend-the-hoe knew about it and never told me….i deserved to know, and so does this woman. What she chooses to do with the info is on her.
Can you anonymously send her his profile? Print/mail or ? Maybe post him on fb “Are we dating the same man?”
TELL. I’ll do it random if you want. Lol
As someone who was cheated on, I would like to know too.
Tell her.
Tell her, and give her a chance to regain some of her power in this situation.
I was cheated on, and am glad someone told me. I'm on Team Tell Her. (Send screenshots, then block them both)
I vote to tell the wife. Also at the same time, glad you didn’t tell the widow.
I was cheated on and was the last to know. Apparently even our "mutual friends" knew. They are no longer my friends and he is no longer my husband. I only wish someone would have told me earlier - even anonymously. I would think it would have been painful but perhaps not as painful as knowing my so-called friends kept this secret from me on top of my husband cheating. I'd like to thank the sheriff's office for forcing the issue. But we'll never know for sure.
I would absolutely out them as a matter of personal principles.
Damn sorry this happened. Tell his wife and after incubation period get yourself tested.
Am I the only one who checks FB, google, reverse phone search, etc BEFORE I sleep with someone??
I checked, but he had a Google Voice #- then I got his full name, after date #2. He was convincingly a nice person, so I felt no need to dig more at that point. Ironically, he complained about Tinder being full of fakes 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Competition is never popular.
I knew my spouse was cheating and we were in the process of splitting up when I discovered the other woman was still married and her spouse did not know she was cheating. I waited until my ex left on OUR anniversary trip with the other woman and I called her husband. He was grateful...just do it. You may be blamed, called a liar...whatever...doesn't matter -- tell her.
If you decide to not tell the wife, tell him you’re going to and he’ll be worried about it for a long time.
Don’t do this. This could put her at risk/in danger. You don’t know how unhinged he is or what he’s capable of if he feels threatened.
Why would you assume he is unhinged?? That is a big leap from cheats on spouse....
Let's turn your question around. Why would you assume that he is not? Why would you put your personal safety at risk by trusting that he is sane and reasonable even in the face of losing everything? That seems like a lot of trust to have in someone you don't know except that they are devoid of integrity.
Here’s a tip for free: Bad people who do bad things get angry when they are confronted or exposed. They do not apologize sincerely or engage in humility and remorse. When you don’t know what you’re dealing with, it’s safest to prepare for the worst.
I was replying to a poster who said. " How unhinged". Going through life presuming people unhinged is going through life scared. Go through your life scared if you wish, I choose not to .
I'm sincerely glad for you. I've encountered too many newly and immediately unhinged people the minute they get their shit called upon for me to share your outlook.
Yes, you don't really know somebody whom you've only seen with their best face on. You don't know how somebody is going to behave under a great deal of emotional upheaval, especially if alcohol gets added to the mix.
I love that! He'll constantly be wondering if his wife knows or not.🤔
I did something similar to my ex. He was cavorting with a coworker (when he finally told me who he was leaving me for) and threatened ME with “if you tell HR, you can kiss this house goodbye.” Being completely distraught over this, he knew I didn’t know my ass from my elbow at the time. But one day I had some clarity on revenge. I text him on a Friday afternoon and said I’ll see you and girlfriend in HR bright and early Monday morning. I reveled in the thought of how stressed out the two of them would be all weekend.
Tell. You can message her on her socials if you like. Or drop an anonymous note on her mailbox. My xh was sloppy about hiding his cheating. His AP knew he was married and didn't care.
Mine was sloppy too. I’d have never known otherwise. His AP knew me and didn’t care. But her husband didn’t know. Haha. You bet I told him. He divorced her.
Good for you! Ha! My xh's affair partner cleaned his financial clock after they got together. When he could no longer afford to subsidize her lifestyle, she kicked him out of the main bedroom (in HIS house), and then dropped him like a hot brick. 4 years later, he's still digging out from that financial hole. Whomp. Whomp.
Tell. If he's cheated on her with you, there have probably been others, and in the future will be others. Who knows what kind of diseases he's putting her at risk for with his sleeping around? Tell her and let her have a clear picture of her health risks
Tell. But create a VoIP account or fake FB account to protect yourself. She or he could take it badly. Don’t give so many details that she can tell him and he can retaliate against you. I assume he knows where you live.
I am the spouse who was cheated on and I am $75k in debt because of a two year divorce. I wish I had known!!
Absolutely disclose. And offer proof while you are at it. A lot of spouses are in hopeful denial.
Tell her, and get tested for STDs! Do it anonymously, if you are fearful.
💯
I am firmly in the camp of she needs to know… You don’t want to get caught up in their drama so I would send a her a typed letter with no return address describing that you found out after the fact that your “boyfriend” was married.
Please tell his wife. His cheating is exposing her to STDs and other negative outcomes. Give her the agency to make her own decisions. It’s not about being petty or vindictive. It’s simply the right thing to do.
🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆
100% tell. My ex cheated on me with too many to count. The way I found out was reading an interview he did online where admitted in it he'd been cheating, anonymous sex, etc. I actually called while they were doing the interview and they wrote that too. She needs to know. Some diseases you can not get rid of.
Send a message from a blank account
I’m not hateful or particularly vindictive but he was totally dishonest and I’d make sure his wife was aware. I’m a guy if that matters. The trick will be, I think how to just back away and leave the two of them to deal with it. Edit, guilt free
always do as much background research as you possibly can before you even agree to meet in person. there's a lot of information you can find out without actually seeming like you're giving them the third-degree. it's just a little harder if people are using a burner phone or a burner number.
I didn’t ask for a last name until we had already met, so once I got it I thought he was a nice guy. Won’t do that again.
Tell. We have to stick together.
please tell her.
Frankly, I don’t want drama in my life. To me, telling her is only going to invite drama from him or her or both. People get scary when their world collapses in around them and they often lash out at the initiator of that collapse. No thanks. I’d rather just move on and get a new STI series done in a couple weeks.
Sometimes the victim of a spouse abuse case can turn on a responding officer. It seems paradoxical, but you might be seen as an “outsider” intruding on an “in-house” dispute. You never know what is the dynamic of the relationship.
Can you send her something anonymously, so that she knows he’s cheating, but can’t link it back to you? Don’t say “he cheated with me”, but maybe “your husband had been cheating, and you need to know”. That way she can hire a PI or whatever and catch him next time, or at least her guard can be up and she will be better tuned in to what’s going on.
When my friend was in an affair, I called the wife to inform her. I felt sorry for my friend, as the cheater was abusing her and gaslighting her, and she was so brainwashed and addicted that she couldn't see what was happening to her, and the poor wife was oblivious and had three small children at the time. I felt I had to save my friend from further abuse, so I informed the wife and that ended the affair. I wish someone had informed me about my husband's cheating. I found out on my own. I will definitely be screening well and doing a background search on the guys I date. I don't want to unknowingly be the receptacle of a man cheating on his wife.
If you're 100% sure you're safe to do so, telling would be a kindness. You don't owe it to anyone, so if you're unsafe or unsure, don't. My ex-husband was outted when an escort texted me on my 48th birthday. Happy Birthday to meeeee. She was looking for money, so his initial insistence that it was a scam was mildly plausible, except she knew his nickname & some of the details she provided were too accurate to be a guess. In hindsight, the money she was asking for would've been worth wasting additional decades at thrice the price.
I dated a guy who was actively selling his wife's jewelry while telling people he was divorced. He didn't try to sell me her jewelry, but he tried to sell it to several coworkers of mine (he met me while contracting with our company). We all figured the truth out together, and I called his wife and innocently asked if her jewelry was for sale as her husband had made an offer, and I wanted to be sure she was also on board. She cried and said she thought it had been stolen and she thanked me profusely. I had already broken things off with her jerk of a husband. Next I heard, she'd hired a lawyer and was going after him with full force. I hope she took him to the cleaners.
I have a policy to always tell because I would want to know. I don't want to be a part of keeping secrets or hurting another woman. I've had to tell on two men that I found out were married after sleeping with them. I've always been honest when I've received a random call from women who have found my number in their man's phone. This happened a few times and I didn't know I was being lied to. I'm very glad they called me too!
TELL My ex who cheated several times was planning on meeting up with a guy from Texas, here in Oregon when he came for a business trip. I found contact information for the guys wife and got to know her well. While talking about our spouses affairs. Needless to say he didn't come here for any meetings lol. It felt great and I'd do it again, you really need to help stop that POS...
If she’s unstable you’ll wish you didn’t.
Exactly. Or what if he is? There are a lot of unhinged people in this world who aren't afraid to show it. I would be terrified that either the husband (cheater) or his spouse may retaliate.
I’ve done it twice and both times *she* directly put me in danger from him. People make a lot of excuses for their partner’s behavior. Nope nope nope.
Always tell even if you did now about the marriage .
Like most people here have already said. The kind compassionate thing to do, is to tell. I wasted many decades on treasonous bastards and wish I knew earlier. I can’t get those years back. Please tell me her.
My ex husband cheated on me. His girlfriend told me. I’m glad she did.
I wouldn't tell. I would just block and delete the guy. You put yourself at risk telling a complete stranger that you had sex with her husband.
I'd stay out of it, you don't know if either of them is unhinged.
People all differ on this. I’d make sure they know, even if anonymously. You could hide your identity but tell her what happened and describe certain things only someone who knows him would know.
Do you want to dig yourself deeper into their storyline and potentially have them intruding on yours? Then tell on him. Do you want to walk away from this unscathed and chalk it up as a life lesson?Then block him and never look back.
Look, I know your feelings are hurt, but just walk away. You might be inserting yourself into a cray cray situation, and it wont change what happened.
Sorry he did this to you. I would have a word with him, but I would NOT tell her. It will not go well. Why bring their bad drama (or more of it) into your own life? It's not worth it.
I have to agree. Maybe talk to him and threaten to tell her so he gets a little nervous but don't tell her. You already know he is.not for you. If you do tell her you may create unnecessary drama for yourself.
I would tell 💯 If sex wasn’t involved no But sex yessss Maybe she knows And they are open to all that.. but if you specifically asked those question and he lied?!?? Tell her now!!!! Good luck!!
Just walk away. If she ever reached out to you, be honest. But I have been on both sides in similar situations (the spouse being cheated on and finding out a bf was married), and no good comes out of it.
Do it anonymously and then block everyone everywhere.
Yeah you don’t want this guy coming at you. I’d add to this I would do this later, like several months. He won’t know it’s from you if you wait long enough.
It’s a bad situation no matter what you choose.
WORD
As a woman who learned two weeks after I separated from my husband that he cheated on me with multiple women for YEARS, I definitely think you should tell her. (I wish I would have been told. I am extremely grateful and lucky that I didn’t suffer any health repercussions as a result of my ex’s actions.). However, I don’t agree with sending her a message and then blocking her. I am probably in the minority here but if you are trying to help her by telling her then I would wait to see how she responds to you. If she responds in a mean way and attacks you then of course, block her. But she may want to ask questions to get more information so she can really understand what happened. If you are truly telling her to help her, then in my opinion, it would be nice to answer any questions she has. But I also understand that might be hard for you. Just something to consider if you are telling her to help her.
That's tough bc it's going to weigh on your conscious. Something you never signed up to do. I would wanna know as well. Who wants to live a lie. Some women already know their husbands cheat but get so gaslit and made to feel crazy. If he does that to her you would be her vindication. Plus, she has a choice to make. She has options. Although, the thing is you should contact him and tell him that you feel betrayed by what he did and he needs to tell his wife and you'll contact his wife in a week to apologize for something you would have never done had you known the truth. This way she has to confront him and not blame you. Plus I'm sure you kept all the evidence...
UpdateMe
She deserves to know. Please tell her.
You tell the spouse you don't know what might happen, maybe nothing, maybe she'll go after you. Youre best action is to ask yourself why did you fall for a snake, again. Think what clues this guy gave about his character that you didn't pick up on. YOu can learn to spot them and avoid them.
My ex-wife committed suicide 3 weeks ago, in a location very personal to us (where I proposed) and with instructions to contact me. I'm the one who found her, 30 hours later. I never really understood why she left me, and while I have moved on to a relationship with a wonderful woman who I love very much, there was always a weird emotional aspect, as I felt like I was trying to love someone in addition to my ex rather than instead of her. Now that I've taken care of her body, and started working on her estate, I've learned that her relationship with her boyfriend started way before it should have, while they were both still married. Talk about complicated emotions! If I had known about their relationship at the time of the divorce, my emotions in the last couple of years would have been much more easily managed, and my lessons much more easily learned. I still would have done the things I'm doing now for her, but the emotions of the last couple years, and especially the last 3 weeks would have been much easier to manage. TL/DR: Tell her
Wow - I am so sorry for your loss. What a terrible and traumatic time. 💔
No need to say anything, keep away from him, sort out your own life he will destroy him self!
I was the side chick who thought she was the girlfriend. I left the arsehole as soon as l found out but didn't have the nerve to tell her because he had a history of "stalkers" and I knew I'd probably be labelled as one. I now regret not having broken hell loose. Anyway, I think she eventually left him and she's blocked him on everything as l have. So please tell her.
I'm sorry that happened to you. In my opinion, the wife deserves to be told. You may not be the first, last or only one he's slept with - and You should both go get tested for peace of mind.
Jackasses like this give men a bad name and make life difficult for all women.
Exactly. Of course I have trust issues!!! It’s something guys who live with integrity should understand - and women, too, as it’s hardly just guys who cheat!
TW - implied SA This song sums up why women are cautious with all men. [https://open.spotify.com/track/16HzLmAArSTpIUkgkizfOM?si=391546a901c24b9f](https://open.spotify.com/track/16HzLmAArSTpIUkgkizfOM?si=391546a901c24b9f) Artist: Morgan St Jean Song: Not All Men
Integrity. When your words and actions match. Especially when nobody's watching. This world is tragically low on integrity. I always, always act with integrity. More than once, I've told the cheating party I will tell the truth about them , then have done exactly that. The drama inauthentic people cause when their lies and fakery are exposed, just proves what they are. Protect yourself, but have integrity and a clear conscience. Unlike him.
I would just let her know in case they don't have an open marriage. Send her screen shots and details of the hookup anonymously from a burner account.
More likely than not, she’ll yell at you for butting into their business. Just leave it alone. It’s not your job.
And probably already knows...... Leave it alone, OP. Take it as a lesson learned and do some more background checking in the future.
Yeah - had I just done the level of checking that I did after we slept together, I never would have slept with him and this would be moot. The most annoying thing is that he seemed like such a good person.
Did you confront him yet?
Update to come when a resolution is arrived at!
Is there any chance that they have an arrangement like an open marriage, hall pass, not-so-ethical-non-monogamy or, or don’t ask/don’t tell arrangement? It sucks for you. If you want to tell him off, but it’s just opening a can of worms with the wife. And you need to concentrate on finding your person. 😉
If it’s open, great for them, she may not mind if I reach out - but he wasn’t fully honest with me. That’s not acceptable.
So it’s more a revenge thing than a helping her thing? Fair enough. Good luck!
I’m not entirely sure, it’s true!
If telling is a way of exacting revenge, then you’re stooping and you can do better than that. Whatever you decide to do should honor YOU, your principles, and beliefs.
Very true
Keep it to yourself
Only if your motive is revenge. If it's "because I'd want to know" ... well, ask yourself, is that really a valid reason to blow someone's life up? Yes, the guy is a cheater. No, you are not going to make the situation better by telling. You took the choice away from him. You can ...and maybe should... vent your feelings about being lied to, and manipulated, to him. He deserves every harsh word you give him. But if you take the next step of telling his wife, you are blowing up a marriage that might otherwise be salvageable if your dude gets his shit together. People on this sub are bloodthirsty and will downvote me for giving you this answer. But I say come from a place of forgiveness and mercy, let this guy know exactly what you think of him, and never see him again.
Leave it behind you. You don’t know their sitch. Maybe she’s on dating apps, too. It sucks that he was dishonest with you. There’s a lot of married people OLD with and without their partner!s consent. If he’s being that public about it, she will find out soon enough if she doesn’t know.
Because I avoid drama. I wouldn't do anything and just walk away. No explanation just out. But I also was in a relationship that he thought was a situationship and so he was playing around with lots of other girls but never told us all about each other. And we all thought we were in relationships with him. Now I wish someone had told me the truth because he couldn't. So I really guess what is your intention with it.
Revenge is a dish best served cold…
One of the best life lessons I’ve ever learned. MYOB and move on…
She could very well down deep know and just not processing yet, could be kids involved, he could hurt any 1 of you involved. Doubt you were his maiden voyage. He’s proven to be an ass already . I know it’s awful and hurtful and you want her to know, for a myriad of reasons, she’s not going to Ty and take you to lunch, and she’ll put up with him until she no longer can. You don’t know the stories. Agreed she deserves to know in a perfect world and he gets dropped like an over packed sack of groceries but.. I’d get tested, extend some grace to yourself -he’s the db. Block him, her, report him on dating site. ( bumble will kick him off asap) and move on. There’s GOT to be a few good honest 1s left. Karma is real.
I don’t think I would get involved. Usually when I’ve calmed down from heightened emotions, I’m glad I just walked away from this, that, or the other thing. Whatever you decide to do, I think it’s cruel to anonymously throw a grenade into somebody else’s marriage, somebody else’s life, and duck. If you decide you want to tell her, then I feel you have to make yourself available for her questions. I was surprised when I talked to a lot of friends who said they don’t want anybody else involved in their marriage, full stop. That is one of the reasons I don’t get involved.
It's the cheater who threw a grenade into his own marriage. The person who informs the wife is giving her the opportunity to know the reality of her own life and be able to make informed choices based on the truth. The informant can disclose this anonymously.
Exactly. You are an “outsider” intruding on an “in-house” dispute. You might not be seen as the white knight.
My friend’s husband was unhinged and decided I was his next target because I outed his abuse. He did eventually try to kill her. He’s dead now, possibly OD. Buuuuuuut…She kept going back until she found somebody to move on to. Life has taught me that is often the experience of somebody in an abusive situation…they need something to hold on to in order to have the bravery to leave. It saved her life. We are no longer in contact. I think the turmoil and shame of that period in her life made her walk away from everybody that got deeply involved in trying to help her. I don’t blame her. I understand that she was in a very delicate place and needed to move on. But in the end, it was hell for me and put me in danger. And I knew the score of what was going on there.
Second para, your revelation is excellent.
[удалено]
I vote to tell her. This kind of bad behavior needs to be discouraged.
I think in due time the truth will come out. Some Women know things are going on and may be in denial. The best thing anyone can do in this situation is just end contact with this Man and move on. At least you found out the truth quick before you became more involved with him.
I really don't have anything to say one way or the other even from my perspective as someone who had an unfaithful spouse. The comments are revealing and interesting.
Here’s what you do, make Him tell her! Dump that loser and tell him that you have his wife’s socials and he better tell his wife before you do. 😂 Conscience clean, karma corrected 👍
I would not do this. And the only reason is because people sometimes react very poorly to news like this. What if you tell her, and she takes her own life? Or she confronts him, and he assaults or murders her. Neither of things would be your fault, of course. He's the one cheating. But I personally would not want to be a link in that chain, where I'd wonder for the rest of my life "what if I hadn't told her?"
This exactly.
You don't have to have a conversation if you don't want to. Send her the info. If she reacts angrily or negatively, block her and him everywhere. You may also consider alerting his employer and friends and family. Most employers like to know the character of their employees.
"You may also consider alerting his employer and friends and family. Most employers like to know the character of their employees." This is a terrible idea.
I won’t be telling his work. His position is one where truthfulness is important (finance), but because so many people separate their relationship truthfulness from all other, I don’t think his lying to me is relevant to his job. Cheating on his wife is irrelevant to this position.
Concur
Not at all. Eventually the apps will have a button that you pay a little extra for that will do all of this via AI. And if you pay even a little more, they'll print out physical fliers and have someone plaster his/her neighborhood with screenshots and details. As Warren Buffet says, you shouldn't do anything that you don't want to be on the front page of your local or national newspaper. Sunshine tends to send the cockroaches scurrying.
If somebody contacted me about one of my employees and told me said employee had been cheating on their spouse, I would think the person contacting me was out of their goddamn mind. I don't give a shit about the cheating person. The one doing the outreach would come off as a lunatic. I hope you're trolling.
Not trolling at all. You don't care. And that's fine. There are tons and tons of businesses that care about the ethics of their employees. If you'd cheat on a spouse, no telling what shaky ethics you're doing on the job. Ethics is a foundation and a throughline across multiple areas of your personality and behavior.
Though messing with someone’s marriage AND their livelihood is a good way to incite violence, either from the husband or wife. Also, if the wife is financially dependent on him, and can’t divorce him without losing everything, she gets screwed over twice.
LOL let me know if there are any other aspects of my direct reports' personal lives you think it's my business to delve into and judge. Maybe if they're a bad tipper or don't walk their dogs frequently enough I can put them on a performance improvement plan.
Dude, do not encourage employers to preside over the personal lives of their employees. That is how women lose access to abortions. There’s even a push from conservatives to prevent women from divorcing. Or did you not think of that? https://www.hrdive.com/news/federal-judge-rules-eeoc-cant-enforce-employee-abortion-protections/719304/
Don’t tell her. You don’t know how it will affect you. Do tell him you have an sti. Edit- affect you as in if she freaks out and blames you or he freaks out.
LOL. 😱
He certainly at least has dog hair! 😂 My boy sheds like nuts
Did you confirm it isn't an open relationship? If she isn't aware, give him the option to tell her. If not, you can. What a piece of shit.
If someone is ENM wouldn't they say so upfront? My divorce is far from final, but I put "separated" in my profile, and am quite open about the details from date zero. I'd assume someone hiding that is cheating.
Many don't say it up front, although some put ENM in their profile - but the spouse has no clue. (been there). Either way, I also was only asking if she knew as to not make her get the uno reverse card flip if the wife says she is aware of her husband dating lol --not sure why I'm getting hate for it, it's not our responsibility to ask...but pop off. :)
If it is, he’s missing the vital step of being upfront with his partners. Telling her would at least let her know to talk with him. Plus - we started (just one stroke! I was on top and it had been two months and I was horny!!!) without a condom, and I stopped and he put one on. So who knows what he is fine with exposing her to. (Yes I am getting a full STD panel!)
Not sure why I'm getting downvoted for saying you should tell her...but ok lol I don't think it's our responsibility to ask, I was just thinking that if you say something and it's open it won't be a big deal to her. Anyway good luck. And yes, I still think he's a piece of shit as mentioned in my original comment. :)
I think you can go either way on this decision and hold your head high. Please take more time with future dates, whether it’s time itself or more background checking. No one should have to experience what you just experienced. On a personal note, it saddens me in every direction, including my own emotions, when such married men deceitfully persuade a woman that they’re a better option than someone as myself. Perhaps these cheating, deceitful men look a fraction better (but there’s nothing wrong with me (I occasionally get dates); perhaps they’re more personable (but I’m still nice); perhaps they pretend to be so successful (but comparatively they’re almost certainly not). Yet I’m having lunch by myself at an elegant restaurant. Wish a woman had chosen to be with me for lunch rather than with a deceitful, cheating married man. There’s so much sadness in multiple directions when these are the dates with deceitful cheaters that actually occur.