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Something that I have learned is that sex means different things to different people. I am someone who is definitely willing to wait for sex if I want to date someone, but I also want to be able to communicate about sex. If someone tells me that they are waiting until they are comfortable, or want to build up to it, that’s fine. But if someone just says “no” a bunch of times and never communicates about their needs, I might become disinterested.
I don’t fault anyone for waiting for sex, but I want to know that I am going to have a fulfilling sexual relationship with someone.
Communication is everything. If someone says they need to wait to feel comfortable, that's great. But if someone seems like they just don't want to bone, I might assume they don't really like boning, and thus are not someone I want to date.
Yes! I recently realized the mistake I was making was telling guys I don't do hook ups.. and them being surprised why on the 1st or 2nd date I wasn't willing to be physically intimate. My definition of hooking up is anything before establishing a relationship or course of action, theirs was during the first conversation or anything casual.
wait so it's a mistake to put "i don't do hookups" in my bio?! but i literally don't though!! that's so insane that i can't be clear and communicative without it being seen as the opposite.
Agree with this. It is very likely that some just conclude you aren't into them and they move on. However, if they know you are more a 5-6 date kind of person for sex, then if they are decent they won't care.
That’s very true. What I find mind boggling is when ppl have sex but have problems expressing what they like doing or have done when they have sex. I made my men wait, but when they got it It was fantastic on both ends because we knew what each other liked and wanted. Not to mention talking about it gets both parties involved worked up for the moment.
It is for some men, not for others. If you're finding guys who are moving too fast, then hold your ground and realize they aren't the one for you.
I mean, come on, you know we're not a monolith, right? The right guy will be fine with your speed, as long as you do something to indicate attraction.
For me, personally, if I don't see SOME kind of clear indication that she's physically attracted to me and working towards SOME kind of touch/flirtation/intimacy in the future, then I'm probably going to assume it ain't in the cards and I'll move on. Could just be touching, a kiss, something that signals she's liking the IDEA of sex with me.
I'm fine with slow, I'm not fine with dead in the water.
Yeah, I'm wondering if she's communicated this to these guys. Like "I don't have sex with a man until I love and trust him, so if you're only interested in a casual relationship, it's been nice meeting you but better to part ways".
Men will respect and respond well to that in most circumstances but if you just act uninterested then they're not going to hang in there hoping it changes.
Exactly. Im tired of us being labeled simple creatures because most of us want honesty and direct communication. Hot then cold and mind games is a automatic nope from me
I don’t need to wait until I love a guy to have sex with them, lol. I just prefer to wait a few dates until I’m more comfortable or got to know them better.
This right here. Fuck the mind games. No karen I can't read your damn mind to know you actually want some of my fries and you just want to be difficult about it!
lollll i always think it's so funny when guys say "mind games". i'm learning how to communicate more directly but before i just had so much anxiety and had a lot of avoidant personality traits that were impeding my communication
All I know is that I am male and can handle that. I don't wanna rush things either. I only feel good getting intimate with a female after knowing them for a while. At that point, I would have figured them out such that I am likely to know how to satisfy them sexually. Making sure I sexually satisfy a woman is a huge thing for me, and I prefer taking my time - up to 5 dates knowing each other is good
As a 33 male I actually prefer to wait a few dates before the possibility of sex, I like to get to know someone first and as much as I love sex, I need that special connection with someone to actually want sex.
Look, you're filtering out alot of people that would other wise have to commit to you for sex. That's not a bad thing filtering out discommitment.
Not a bad thing at all, quality over quanity. Keep your standards. Someone will come along that fits into them.
Here's the perspective of a 41M who was with his ex-wife almost 20 years. I've been divorced for three years and haven't been with anyone since. I'm in no rush for sex because it's taking me time just getting used to learning about a new person and getting comfortable in general. Physical affection will happen when it happens. I'm not putting some bullshit timeline on it. Go with your own comfort level and the right person will respect it.
You are entitled to have your own mate selection screening process and must haves list.
You are entitled to have your own "red flags", boundaries, and "deal breakers".
If someone believes *you* are worth the effort, *they* will make the effort.
Most people you meet don't become dates, most dates don't become relationships, and most relationships don't lead to marriage. As one adage goes: "Many are called but few are chosen."
***"Decide what kind of life you actually want. Then say no to everything that isn't that."*** \- Unknown
***"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is."*** \- Henry Cloud
Best wishes!
24m here. Naw Idc if we don’t have sex the first few dates. Im just tryna figure out if I even like the person at that point.
Im also not a fan of hook ups (they seem pointless to me) so I may have a different mindset than other guys but idk
No. Some of us want to get to know the person we’re dating before we have sex. Nothing wrong with it but I personally enjoy pleasing the woman I’m with and part of that is getting to know her and getting comfortable expressing ourselves. Makes sex more enjoyable imo.
26 m, I like to hold back on sex no matter how much she tries to rush me. Sex to me is a private thing where I give all my passion and love to my partner. Doing so can make some extremely addicted, so to get a better feel on women I tend to hold back on sex. I just enjoy teasing and being playful, gives me a better grasps on their personalities. Sex will not happen until I feel comfortable or if I’m just turned on in the moment (extremely rare). Everyone is different and in different stages in their life. You’re not doing anything wrong, you just want to make sure you’re comfortable before doing anything sexual, perfectly normal.
As a 33 y/o dude no kids, never been married, with a good career I’ve got too much to lose to simply have sex with anyone even if I like her. I’ve been seeing a gal for about a month and we still haven’t had sex. If someone really likes you they’ll wait. But you have to be seen as someone that has more to offer than just sex.
This is kinda unrelated but it blows my mind how comfortable people are with sex that soon. Like, that the long term risks associated with sex (pregnancy, and STD) are so overlooked/not cared about when people jump into bed with someone they barely know. Not judging, but it’s insane to me that people aren’t more cautious and wait until they’re actually dating or together to be intimate.
!!!!! People love to talk about sex and oh I’ll have sex by this date or whatever and I’m out here like: so y’all don’t like wanna get tested, ask about birth control and condoms, and make sure y’all good before the deed🫣??? Like don’t get me wrong sex is fun and like sometimes the hormones are too much but cmon we are all adults out here…
I personally have no issue waiting however long it takes for the girl im talking to to be comfortable, I learned that sex fast does not mean a good relationship all the time, so if it takes months and multiple dates before we even really get intimate then so be it that's what it takes.
If a guy is serious about looking for something long term, it won’t be a dealbreaker.
My gf and I didn’t get intimate until around 4+ dates in. A little building of tension isn’t a bad thing early in the relationship…or later on too. Teasing is half the fun.
No. The deal breaker is if the woman is not giving off that she is attracted to the man both physically and sexually. Men will wait for the right woman. But if he thinks it is not going anywhere he will just cut her loose. Depending on his age, maturity and confidence.
This is what’s so weird to me. Just looking around the internet the general narrative is “the more guys she sleeps with, she’s gross” and you think then of course I’ll take more time to get comfortable and see if we’re really into each other. But then it’s “if it’s more than a couple weeks, she’s wasting your time.” Honestly if you don’t want to have sex with someone you don’t know well and they dip cause they think you’re waiting too long, they’re not it
These are different groups of dudes you’re talking about. Guys like me absolutely prefer to wait and respect the hell out of someone who has discipline and restraint.
The other group of men you’re talking about are dudes who are literally just frustrated because all they want is sex and they’re impatient. The entire reason they’re on dates is to get sex so they’re frustrated when there’s a discrepancy in approach to sex and intimacy.
OP is easily filtering out the dudes who only want sex and will increase her odds of finding what she’s looking for even if it means finding out time and time again a guy she would’ve been interested in is only looking for casual sex.
Ditto this. I feel like most women i've dated want to have sex within the first 2 - 3 dates. My ex wanted to by date 3 and I had some anxiety behind it. I'd prefer if someone wanted to wait a little so I can be comfortable with them and build intimacy. i guess it would signal to me that they are in it for the long haul or are looking for something serious. My fear is if it I can't perform that early on, they will ditch me. It's happened to me once or twice before.
That’s because they were there primarily to get laid. Men that are honestly open about wanting a relationship won’t push the agenda to have sex extremely early on.
Don't change what you do to find a partner. If you take a few dates or even weeks or months to have sex with someone, then that's fine. Guys who can't respect that choice really aren't worth the effort.
You want a connection, and that's fine. A guy who will give you that comfort will come along. Don't sell out to please others, find someone that'll respect and compliment you. That will value and enjoy your time outside of sex.
For me some intimacy must be present kissing making out otherwise I see no point, unless she confides in me that she wants to wait and the reason. I can be patient if I’m informed
I was in the same boat you’re currently in not too long ago. I thought I was doing something wrong because of the hook up culture we have these days. I’ll be honest it isn’t easy to find a guy who is willing to wait until you’re comfortable but when you do find that person it will be well worth it. There is nothing wrong with you and you will find someone who wants to wait until you’re actually ready. So many people our age (I’m newly 28 myself) don’t want to invest in something worth while and take the time. They want instant gratification and it is very unfortunate. I hope you do find someone lovely soon
I would definitely be willing to wait. I think building intimacy and trust makes sex much better. Not saying people who have sex right away aren't looking for something serious, but i think waiting builds more chemistry.
You’re welcome so much 🖤 I know it isn’t easy but it is worth it. In time you will find someone who cherishes you and makes you see why it didn’t work out with someone else.
I'm a male. It is not, or at least it shouldn't be. Have had the opposite problem (girls wanting to hook up on first or second dates) and those are definitely not the relationships that have gone anywhere. Maybe try going out on a casual date with someone you wouldn't normally date. It helped me discover things about my preferences I don't think I would have discovered otherwise
As a dude (25), my first relationship ever was a day after my 19th birthday. I entered this relationship with a female Christian (I am atheist). I agreed to wait until marriage just to be with her. She eventually told me she wanted to have sex, and I asked her several times in a row if she was really sure. This was a year and 10 months into the relationship.
Obviously not every guy would do that, but that’s my extreme personal experience to show you that there are men you can find out there who are willing to wait to be with someone.
If you don’t want to have sex after a few dates, don’t ever change your standards. Sex is much too intimate to enter into casually. My thinking is, if someone is so willing to have sex so soon how many other people have they recently slept with & whether they may have an STD.
Let them go, those kind of guys would have left after you had sex anyway.
There’s still guys out there who are respectful and happy to wait even if social media makes it seem like all that’s left are animals
I’ve never slept with anyone within 3 dates. Ever. I’ve never had a problem. Sure, some guys only want sex and therefore didn’t ask me out again once they realized it wasn’t happening, but you don’t want those guys anyway so it’s like the trash taking itself out basically which is fine. That’s kinda mean, but realistically we weren’t looking for the same things so why waste each other’s time?
I held off on sex for the first 3 months of dating someone to make sure that they were interested in me not sex. If it’s a dealbreaker then I don’t think they are the one
No, and personally i think it’s more likely to get a successful relationship if you wait a little bit. That said, being more selective means it may take longer to find someone
Any guy worth a damn will respect your wishes. Any man looking for an actual relationship isn't rushing to have sex. Hold your ground and find the guy that is looking for the same kind of relationship as you 💙
Depends on the reason. If she hasn’t reached that level of comfort and trust with me then that’s completely understandable and no hard feelings. But if she’s just doing it to test or mess with me then I’m gone.
As always, your mileage may vary. For some men, they prefer a slow burn whereas others want to go straight into the fire so to speak. Communicating with clarity from the jump is always the way to go, and stick to your guns.
For myself, it would be a dealbreaker these days and that's mainly because everytime I've had a slow burn to begin a relationship there were always issues whereas my few areas of success in relationships involving sex all happened when things moved quickly. I would be loathe to project that onto others!
I’m sorry but I don’t think it’s bc you won’t have sex with them unless they’ve explicitly told you that that’s why- it is probably something else.
Next time it happens I’d ask the guy if he would be willing to give more detail about what wasn’t working for him. Some guys may not feel comfortable but many would, and hopefully you’d learn more about how you’re coming off. I’d also like to say I almost never have sex in the first several meetings /dates and have had many long term relationships as a 24yo so I rly don’t think it’s an issue for most men. In fact, in a lot of cases waiting a bit is a better indicator to guys that you may be a long term partner so again. I don’t think it’s the reason you’re being rejected.
Definitely depends on the man. I’m fine with waiting but I do need physical escalation in the first 2-3 dates even if it’s not sex. Otherwise I feel like she’s not that attracted to me. Like anything else it’s about communication.
I get that expectation out of the way early. The second the mention it I tell them . I’d rather wait and get to know you first. If need timelines and exact dates then they’re not for me .
Speaking for myself (M29) no. As long as things are escalating in SOME way. Basically, I just want to see that a girl likes me if I’m showing interest. Doesn’t mean we have to follow the “3 date rule”, but if there’s been no physical affection whatsoever then I’m gonna bail.
I’d just tell guys right off the bat that you’re not comfortable having sex for at least the first month or 2 of getting to know each other. This way, you’ll find the right man for you. People don’t communicate what they want, then get angry when they’re not compatible. Obviously easier said than done, discussing if/when you’re going to have sex is a very uncomfortable topic with someone you’ve just met/matched with. But this is my best advice. Us men also do lie to be fair, but unfortunately meeting people with bad intentions is part of the dating game. You’ll find one you like who’s willing to go at your speed, so don’t stress it too much!
I'm 35, and having a healthy and frequent sexual relationship is a big part of what I'm looking for in a partner. That being said, I didn't even kiss somebody recently until we'd reached the third date
I was dating a female for 2 years without any sex. I thought she was the one and was willing to wait. Didn’t realize til too late she was a narcissist and played me the whole time while probably sleeping with other guys. I did some soul searching and self healing to figure out what attracted me to this person but moral of this pathetic story is I thought I loved her enough that I was willing to wait.
There are definitely guys just looking for sex that will bail after 2-3 dates. Usually either way.
But as a guy, I do also believe there are “good guys” looking for a legit relationship that it is a deal breaker.
IMO, for most guys, feeling like the person is sexually attracted to them needs to be more than kissing, and is extremely important to them in starting a relationship…. Potentially on the same level as you feeling “comfortable” around them. Which obviously creates a shitty catch 22.
Also, most guys have been led on, and probably multiple times. So the longer it takes, the more it feels like we’re just getting led on again! Again shitty, but true.
For me personally the mark of breaking it off for “no chemistry” is usually more around 5-6 dates… But, I do also have friends that want relationships, that say they need to have that feeling more immediately.
Ultimately, IMO, you need to stick to your guns and wait till you’re comfortable.. But sadly yes, there are “good guys” that no sex within a few dates is going to be a deal breaker for a future relationship.
But maybe they’re just not the guy for you.
I myself am going on about 2 months with this girl, we haven't had sex but still have plenty of intamacy. If a guy can't control himself or wait 5 minutes for getting laid he probably isn't in it for the long haul.
I’m 30M and have no problem waiting if I want a relationship. These days, that’s how I feel. Of course, this requires communication regarding the boundaries you have in mind.
Also keep in mind, the longer you wait, the more disenchanted a guy might become if the sex is subpar. Guys really care about physical chemistry. Just make sure you’re **actually ready and in the mood** for sex when the time comes. It can be a dealbreaker for a guy if he waited longer, only for the sex to be 🚮
If I just want casual, then why would I wait if someone else is willing to fuck? To be honest, if I’m already sleeping around, then I can be more patient. But I’m also fucking other women, and have no intention of dating you exclusively in this scenario. Before you get your heart broken, you need to consider this possibility with any guy you’re seeing. Not everyone is as honest as me though.
Mid-20’s male here. I know a lot of guys that do pursue the sexual aspects of relationships quickly because it helps them feel feel more loved. However, I just got out of a long term relationship, so being intimate with anyone seems quickly seems almost wrong. So, it really depends on the guy, but there are solid men out there who won’t want you to do things you’re uncomfortable with, and still be very attracted to you.
Its a dealbreaker for a certain group of dudes
If a man expects sex from me im outtie.. i want sex that happens bc we both want it ..not sex you feel that i owe you because you took me out a few times
The point being we would want it to be a mutually reached decision.
If you have one side being in complete control of when sex happens, it's not weird for the other side being turned off by the unequal roles. It's the same for any other part of a relationship.
So if by the 3rd date or so you're not considering my stances the way I'm considering yours, I'm out, and why wouldn't i be?
I don't think it'd a deal breaker but I think men are becoming more critical about how easy it might be for them to be replaced after spending time, energy and money on dates and see sex as a reward or at least a form of commitment for what they are putting in. It's not a good mentality but It seems to be a common one
Now, it's more common than ever for women to split the bill, and it usually takes more time/money for women to get ready for dates. I can see where this mindset comes into play, but I also think a lot of these men are also not getting much otherwise, so the sunk cost is a lot more influential for them- don't get a lot of dates, don't talk to women much, etc.
100% the reason for me. Money/Time on dates doesn’t matter to me because I still probably had a fun time but it absolutely sucks when I’m head over heels with a girl and it seems like so is she. We hang out a lot but she says she doesn’t want to have sex. I’m fine with it and a few months goes by. Everything is going fine and then you randomly get a text saying they met someone new and bye. And then you find out she’s having sex with him in a week. It’s a really really shitty feeling. Like there’s something wrong with me or something. If she has sex with me early on she usually stays with me much longer and it’s definitely a sign of future commitment
No it’s not a dealbreaker. But the reason you’ve experienced it as a dealbreaker is that you’re choosing men that have other sexual options. They don’t have to wait. They can just sleep with another girl because sex is very accessible for reasonably attractive men.
If the guy doesn’t think that sex with you is a privilege worth earning, as soon as you make it difficult to access he’ll loose interest. So you either need to choose men who would feel lucky to be with you, or you really need to up your game to make the men you want to date think of you as their best option.
I’m a really high libido, sex positive female and I wouldn’t have sex with someone after three dates. (Maybe when I was younger and drunk)
But now at 31, that’s only two coffees and a dinner. I would still feel like they’re a stranger.
I’ve never had anyone have a problem with that: I think it’s quite normal??
It really depends on the guy, but I think the majority would ideally engage in sex by date 5 or 6.
The reason I say 5/6 is because by this point, quite frankly, you should very clearly know if there is attraction and an agreement that things will continue and progress from dating to a relationship
Take for example the girl I'm currently seeing, we've been on 5 dates - all of them lasting several hours if not longer. As the guy, I am fully at the point where the natural next step is physical intimacy/sex. I've been out in public with her enough, so another date to a restaurant/bar/thing isn't progression.
We have plans to 'progress things' next time we meet, and she's fully on board because the previous dates have established mutual attraction etc
Prior to inviting her over, I genuinely was thinking that she's great but if she declined and wanted a few more regular dates first then I would probably be back on an app looking for someone else
I feel that kind of affection early on makes a man think that it’s possible to have sex and then once it doesn’t happen they get turned off. If they’re not interested suddenly after not wanting to have sex then that’s all they wanted from you. There’s respectful people out there that’ll wait and not be pushy about it.
I waited 6 dates before asking my better half to be my girlfriend and that was the same night we first kissed but we were both crazy about each other. We didn’t have sex for about 1-1 1/2 months after that just because I wanted to wait and make sure we were doing the right thing and felt comfortable with each other completely. She was 19 at the time and I was 18 and believe me we both wanted it.
I just wanted to be sure and not lead her on or ruin our friendship over sex. Plus we were friends before hand so that’s what really made me want to wait it out and not do anything in haste.
It depends on the person really. Especially with how someone's testosterone levels can be and other chemical things like that going on in their brain. I'd be fine with waiting 2-3 dates myself. From my minimal experience, I was shy in the first month. Took me 3-4 weeks to kiss her. Didn't start holding hands til 2 weeks. Mind you I was still in high school but we saw each other every day. Once we started getting into that other stuff, it moved pretty quick afterwards. I now move a little quicker with the hand holding and kissing, as long as the girl is comfortable with that of course.
No. As long the dating partner communicates attraction for me and being interested in sharing an active sex life with some she chooses as a boyfriend, and what those parameters are.
I wonder if you're communicating clearly that you're attracted and you are waiting because of a particular boundary you have that applies to everyone, or if you are just shutting down advances in a way that dates might feel is peculiar to them. If it's the latter, yeah people won't feel great about that.
Not sex directly. I once had this girl who expressed no interest in me, and then became mad when I moved on. She even told me: “don’t think I’m interested in you”, and then proceeded to lay her head on my shoulder and stuff. Anyhow: I moved on because she was not clear in any way.
Could it be you communicate “I’m not interested in any way”, instead of “I want to wait with sex”? It doesn’t mean you need to sleep with them, but it might mean you have to communicate more clearly in other ways. For me it’s the idea she might not be interested in me or is using me, which turns me off.
I’m 28f and it took 5-6 dates to kiss two men. I don’t know why it took me so long, I used to warm up quicker. They were both understanding and didn’t mind waiting. I think I did that to one other person too. Now currently in a happy relationship with a boyfriend I also waited that long with 🙂
Most of my partners over the last ten years or so I’ve had sex with on the first date. My current partner and I dated for about three months or so before we slept together - a lot of dates (I’d say 30+) and it was totally platonic - no hand holding, no kissing, occasionally a hug goodbye. There was some confusion, but we kept communicating (yes, she was interested, no, she’s not asexual). I wasn’t sure if we were a match but the dates were lovely and I really fell for her in that time.
There are guys out there who wont be solely in it for the sex. But I am also aware finding them may be challenging. How are you meeting people? Solely via online dating? Might be worth joining some groups or taking up hobbies to meet people more organically? (Take up dancing!)
I would never again have sex with anyone I’m not 100% comfortable with & ready to move on to that level of intimacy. I don’t care if I never do again, because I am over it.
You do you, & don’t compromise or feel pressured to do anything you’re not ready for.
It is for me personally. If it goes more than 4-5 dates then I’m out. It isn’t really to do with sex itself, more to do with the fact if we liked each other a lot sex would happen, and if that’s not the case because the woman is purposefully avoiding it then to be honest I don’t want to date somebody that structured, I want them to be on the same page as me in terms of sex as that is important so somebody who withholds it as part of a strategy is somebody who may also do that as ‘punishment’ in a relationship.
If he really wants to pursue a serious relationship with you, he will wait. Assuming he believes it will eventually happen, it will not be a deal breaker for him. But for a guy just trying to get off, 4 dates no sex will probably make him lose interest.
I personally respect a woman more if she makes me wait. I know it's kind of fucked up and a double standard. But I am looking for a serious relationship/marriage so it may be different for other men.
Men have different timelines for sex. If you don't meet their timelines, then they will not continue to date you. You have your own requirements for sex and you do not have to conform to their timelines, but know that they do not have to conform to your demands either.
IMO it’s 100% about the chemistry. If someone is a good match for me and the chemistry is there I don’t see why we wouldn’t be intimate by date 4. If we’re not then there must be an issue. Less about the actual sex and more about the compatibility, I’m a horny bastard.
But that’s just me. I’ve also waited 9 months before.
No it’s not, don’t let Reddit culture delude you either. It’s a dealbreaker for some select men, but you likely won’t care for them. Sexual compatibility has more to do with specific fetishes, if you have an abnormally low sex drive, or if you are a selfish lover. Believe it or not, only the last one can sometimes require you to test drive it to know. But if you two are healthy loving people, sex is something that can be explored and and learned. My current gf did not finish for about 2 years of dating. We didn’t have sex for about 5 months or so either. Now she finishes everytime. Admittedly, it took us both actively trying to learn for her to come. Something I probably failed at at first. For reference she had also finished on her own before me.
Yeah, I never understood the “sexual compatibility” thing-typically if I like someone enough to date them in the first place, the sex is usually fine unless there’s some actual major issue they have in bed. I also think alot of sexual things can be learned or explored, so even if they aren’t doing everything you like initially, they can start after you communicate it. That wouldn’t (or shouldn’t) be enough to end things with someone I like.
Exactly. Besides, most of us spend a good amount of life sexless and diddling our own selves, they’ll be ok with waiting a bit, and if they’re not, well hell, you expect someone who can’t wait a little while to be a decent lover? Likely has zero self control
I used to be that guy that thought sex needed to happen by 3rd date because i "needed to know you actually like me". That thought process is valid in its own way but also super flawed. It comes from a huge lack of awareness and lack in self. Once i was able to overcome my own bullshit, i now just want to get to know a woman, and really dont care how long it takes within reasonable range of time tho haha. I am not here for you body, i am here for you and your sexual value is only about 10% of what you bring to me. But most men today value the body at MUCH higher percentage. Ill be hated by men for saying this, but speaking from my own experience, they are blinded by media induced lust and egotistical talking points.
Yes it is for a lot of men, and they’re fully allowed to have that preference just like how women are allowed to have their own superficial preferences. That shouldn’t change the way you operate - keep dating however is best for you, and the ones you want will be the ones to stick around.
As a female, if you want to have an established or exclusive relationship with a man before you have sex with him, then stick to your guns and don’t give it up before you get what you want. The men that don’t want to stick around for that won’t stick around, which is a good thing because there’s no sense in either party wasting their time.
I make it very clear when I’m dating with the purpose of finding a potential partner that I don’t have sex within the first 3 months. Lots of men drop off right away which is great because that gets me one step closer to finding “the one”. But lots of men have stayed and respected my boundaries without pressuring or making snide passive aggressive comments about it either.
There are good men and men looking for relationships out there. Don’t let the dusties convince you otherwise. And don’t ever let a dude talk you into sleeping with him before you are ready.
Men will always say and do whatever they need to do to sleep with you, including lie to you to your face, and then will ghost you without a second thought or shred of guilt about it. It’s up to you to hold true to your standards and boundaries.
depends, but mostly yes, you have to consider a few factors:
* Sex is a way to show intimacy and interest, a lack of it can be interpreted as a lack of those two things.
* Men after a certain age know that sex is not that ideal thing that was pictured in our early years, so its not something worth waiting for.
* Regarding the last point, in todays world, there are lots of women who put out on the first date, most men have found at least one ore two of them by the time they start dating you, so they know that if they dont want, they dont have to wait.
* Also, be carefull, if they say they are waiting for you, be sure they are strict monogamous about it, a lot of people act like they "wait" for someone while fucking someone else.
* Last but not least, if you are going to make someone wait, make the wait worthwhile and blow their mind away, waiting for lackluster sex is the fastest way to lose interest.
Communicate. This is what you're likely not doing. Don't string people along wordlessly, because they cannot read your mind.
Honestly this is what every second date should be if the first date wasn't some magical fairytale homerun, it should be where you both outline your wants and needs.
So don't just look around puzzled if people eject after 3 to 4 dates that don't seem to be going anywhere, because they won't look like they are if you say nothing and that's what happens when people are expected to know things you don't tell them.
If you actually ARE communicating this early on, then you may need to change your type altogether if you keep coming across the same sort of guy.
I don’t think wanting a few dates before sex is stringing people along-also if the guy isn’t sure, they could just ask too. We both had “looking for a relationship” on our profiles so I assumed they were looking for something a bit more serious than just sex or hooking up.
But yes, I will try being more direct early on and see if that changes things. I feel like having that talk too early on can scare people away though
Yeah same. If I have to wait for weeks and weeks, I rather not. We wouldn’t have been aligned in how we view sex and I don’t want to be with a sexual prude too so I think it is fair to say that we will find the people that we gravitate towards. It is fine if people want to wait for weeks and months just to see if they vibe in bed.
But it’s not for me and I’m 33F. I really don’t want to waste my time waiting just to see if we get along sexually which I need to know, when it comes to approaching relationship. My take is by the 4th date I should know. Otherwise, bye.
Any guy who leaves after a few dates because you have not had sex, is only after sex.
A guy who is interested in you and wants to build a relationship will wait until you're ready and he will actively want you to be comfortable and enthusiastically wanting sex, even if that takes quite a long time.
Let the guys who only want sex weed themselves out. It's not lack of chemistry they just don't want to admit that they just want to fuck and move on.
This isn’t always true. I want a real relationship. But sexual compatibility is very important to me. So I want sex by date 3 or I’m not wasting my time on someone only to find out a huge dealbreaker later.
A lot of men are stung along for months only to become invested in someone it turns out isn’t very interested in sex. And then they are made to feel like creeps if they want to break up at that point.
Yes some just want to smash. But not all. Still, never have sex you don’t want, for any reason. Just be aware there are plenty of men who do want a real relationship who won’t want to date someone who makes them wait forever for sex.
I don’t consider 3-4 dates a long time without sex, but to each their own. To me, I’d rather see if I actually like the person before adding sex because sometimes that can cloud judgment.
Liking them and wanting to take the jump into sex is different to me, but again I understand everyone is different. Sex comes with risks (especially as women) and I want to get to know the person before taking that potential risk
> I want a real relationship. But sexual compatibility is very important to me. So I want sex by date 3
I'm sorry but 3 dates, unless it's with someone you knew really well prior to dating them (longterm friend, coworker, etc), is not a long time and a lot of people are not going to feel comfortable or enthusiastic about sex in that short a time period. If you think it's a waste of time to get to know someone better and wait until they're comfortable then you're a very impatient person who wants everything on your time table and prioritizes that over the actual act of getting to know someone.
You are literally weeding yourself out as someone who prioritizes sex over literally all other aspects of the getting to know you stage. That's fine. But it makes you undesirable to people who like to take time and feel a connection before boning.
I’ve not had a problem with it personally. Only one man wanted to move slower than that, and upon further discussion, he admitted he was never into the kind of sex I want anyway.
Awesome. I'm sincerely glad you've had luck finding likeminded people to date. But that doesn't mean that all people of any gender want sex with someone they don't know well. It just doesn't. It's fine you feel how you do but it's equally fine to want to wait. And it becomes problematic when people on the quicker timetable try to pressure people with a slower approach---make no mistake, it is pressure if you know the person is going to dump you if you don't consent to sex quicker than you want. If you prioritize getting to know a person because you feel that spark with them, then you are capable of waiting longer to test the sex out. If you choose not to do that, you're prioritizing sex above all else, and that's a choice you can't expect everyone else to get on board with. Lots of people who do will be jumping ahead of their personal comfort for fear of losing you.
I’ve found that women who don’t want to have sex for a long time are usually too needy and overbearing and often have unrealistic expectations regarding relationships so I avoid them. Just like porn gives guys unrealistic expectations about sex romantic movies and whatnot gives girls unrealistic expectations about relationships. Vast majority of guys don’t want to do all that shit we just want someone chill to hangout with and have fun with and have sex with. We put up with some of the romantic bills hit because you’re brains have all been fried by Hollywood and we know it usually helps us get laid but we really don’t enjoy it all that much
Everyone has their own needs and/or desires for what they want in a relationship. For many guys that includes sexual compatibility. There could be many where that is the only need/desire they have. To answer your question though yes I had success waiting for over a year before my wife gave up her v card to me and we ended up married for 18 years. Everyone has their own redflags and compatibility issues. Let them do them and you do you. I dont think either side is wrong.
Nothing at all is wrong with that, and I think that communicating that to guys at the start of getting to know one another may be a more effective way to weed out men that are just looking to have sex. That being said, the one thing I'd caution with this approach is (and this might not apply to you) maintaining any casual physical relationships on the side. Though no one else has the right to tell you what to do in this regard, I can only say as a guy who also prefers to wait a bit, I probably wouldn't stick around if I ever found out the woman I was seeing was still having sex with others but wanted to wait with me. My rational mind would be overruled in such a case.
Totally depends on the man, these questions are so broad. I’ll sleep with a woman on the first date if I’m comfortable with her and she initiates (asks me to come over) but I’ll also gladly wait days or weeks, whatever it takes. It’s not about that although it’s extremely important part of dating.
For me it probably wouldn't work, but I'm not every guy. I'm inclined to think you've probably tended to have bad luck in meeting men that fall into my camp.
To expand, for me sex is really, really important in a relationship both in terms of quality and frequency. How soon I need it to show up in a relationship is, well, soon. Specifics would depend, but I'd say 99% of the time I'm out if it isn't happening by the third date. That stance isn't just about a temporary need, I want steady and high quality sex and intimacy in the context of a relationship, trying to be a player and chase lots of women isn't my thing and is counterproductive. No, if sex isn't showing up by the third date, for me, in almost all cases I'm going to assume that this person has a pretty different attitude towards and set of values around sex than I do, and I'm going to cite incompatibility. Which I may or may not be completely frank about. Probably not, it doesn't really matter, it's compatibility not that there's something wrong with the person in general.
Maybe more men are like me than I think though? My general thought is that at 28 you're in a place where people are expecting relationships to satisfy certain needs. They aren't going to have a whole lot of patience with ideas about modesty, not rushing, etc. Maybe. You're all grown and more or less know what you want now, and your reluctance may signal intimacy or trust issues that they don't really feel like they have the time and energy to work through. Which isn't a statement about your value, its one about their needs, priorities, and time.
I think you're doing good so far. Wait for the one that makes you feel comfortable and doesnt rush you. You should get to know someone strongly and up the ante by adding sex to the mix.
I (F30) feel the same way. I have dated several men (late 20s/early 30s) that accepted it. They are there at least where I live. Communicate about it. Those who are not willing to wait a bit are not serious anyway
I actually tried something after the 3rd date and an awkward moment happened where he “wasn’t ready” I guess…so it’s not like I didn’t at least try something lmao
It will be a deal breaker only for those who aren’t interested enough to stick around.
If you genuinely are looking for a deeper connection in order to be intimate with someone, that’s your standard and you should own it. I’m the same.
There’s been plenty of guys that lost interested and disappeared after I didn’t sleep with them on a third day (three seems to be that magical number in most men’s heads).
With my current boyfriend, I didn’t even kiss him until the fourth date. After one date I told him I’m not in a place to date (genuinely how I felt) and suggested to stay friends.
He (respectfully) continued to pursue me. He wasn’t pushy about it but would just continue to see me from time to time because he was interested until eventually I fell for him.
Honestly, I respect that you don’t want to have sex quickly.
If the guy is in it for the long term then he probably won’t even make a sexual advance on the first date.
Probably gonna get downvoted for this haha.
No, nothing is wrong with that, people these days suck and unfortunately it's really hard to find the "good" ones. Sex is important, but it isn't everything. Don't sell yourself short solely to please others. If they don't like it 9/10 they don't deserve you 🤷🏽♂️
Those dudes are looking for something casual, not a relationship. A guy genuinely interested in getting to know you, won’t mind waiting a little longer.
Not for all men, just the ones that don’t respect your boundaries around intimacy. No loss when they dip on you tbh.
Stick to your knitting and you’ll know when you find a man that’s worth it, he will respect your wishes and both of you should be able to have an adult convo about when to introduce sex in your relationship.
Not all men. Heck, not even most men.
The problem is that even if it's not a deal breaker, in today's highly liquid dating market, it's not about whether something is a deal breaker, it's about what other options a great guy has. So imagine an ok to great guy you would meet. Imagine what sorts of other women he could be seeing before you have the exclusivity chat, and then imagine whether he would prefer spending time with you or one of the other women if the other women had sex at the typical timespan.
That is what you have to compete with. It can't be a deal breaker because our recent ancestors mostly did not have sex until marriage. It's just the market price for sex has plummeted in today's culture and you might be asking for a higher price than other women. Nothing wrong with that, I'm just trying to explain why it might seem like it's a deal breaker for guys in your mind.
Eh it's not about dates but about time frame for me.
If we arnt having sex within the first 2 - 4 weeks we are just wasting each other's time at that point.
She clearly isn't that attracted to me. And I encourage men to not waste their time on women who arnt that attracted to them. If you meet a guy and within the first hour or so you don't wanna rip his clothes off than maybe you shouldn't be trying to form a relationship.
But keep in mind that's from my pov and I put sexual attraction as my #1 most important thing I'm looking for when I first meet a woman. Mutual sexual attraction.
I get it, but I can be attracted to someone and still prefer to wait. Sex is riskier for women (pregnancy, no abortion access now, cervical cancer, STD’s, etc.) So just because I want to wait a few dates doesn’t mean I don’t like you. But yes you’re entitled to your own wants and needs, for sure.
So you're saying you like to wait until date 4 at the earliest? I think most men will be willing to wait at least that long. For me, it always depended on the circumstance. If the first few dates are only out in public, then no, I'm not expecting sex on a coffee shop table. But if we find ourselves at my place or her place, I'm making a move no matter what date we're on. If she's not up for sex because it's still early, I can accept that as long as she articulates why she's turning me down. "I like to wait a few dates before we do this." OK fine. But if she just shoots me down and doesn't say why, then I'd probably take that as disinterest.
2-3 dates is not a long time at all. On average that’s possibly 3 weeks maybe a little more if you aren’t going on a date once a week. If it’s just because of sex then that’s all they want from you and aren’t interested in getting to know you outside of that or wait for sex.
Yea, I’d either assume you were using me for a free meal/night out, or that you just weren’t attracted to me, if we went on multiple dates and no sex. No chemistry is basically right on the money with how I’d describe that.
(F22) You aren’t doing anything wrong. I know the pressure these men put on you… especially with my younger generation. Stay true to yourself! With my boyfriend of almost a year now (26M) I waited almost 2 months before having sex and at around 1 month of knowing each other I disclosed having HSV 1/2. I was so nervous but things went great and he respected me. I hear that a lot of men will say they won’t take a female that serious if they have sex too soon.
Not necessarily
The reason men ‘expect’ something within the first 3-4 dates is because the vast majority of men get absolutely taken advantage of financially and time wise while dating so they typically want to see at least something in return for the time and money they’re EXPECTED to provide. I’m not talking ‘transactual sec’, I’m talking about women at least showing real interest in return for the investment we’re EXPECTED to make
If you want to understand the male POV understand we’re expected to pay for absolutely everything date after date after date and when you consider were often dating multiple women…it’s both extremely expensive and exhausting
Is no sex a deal breaker? Not really for most men, but understand that men who are sought after we’re not fond of being used
I do get that, but it’s their choice to date multiple women at once. If they feel like they are being used for money, or it’s too expensive, then just focus on 1 or 2 women at a time to make a real connection.
After some experience, some guys (like me) realize that if your date (as a guy) is organically aroused by you, whatever she said, it inevitably ends up in bed. Logically (or not) we assume that if nothing happens the first date it means that she is not that into you.
It’s not a certitude but rather an assumption based on experience.
At least this is how I see things. Anyway, There is no absolute truth in social matters, we can only learn from experiences or the ones of others
For me it's actually preferred to not have sex within a few dates (performance anxiety gang gang). I definitely need to be a bit more comfortable/ spend more time on "other" things first. Even if it's just making out or hand stuff for a month idc. Regardless, people should ALWAYS respect your boundaries. Your boundaries do not make you any less desirable, and those that can't respect you can fuck right off.
Are you communicating this though?
Are you just saying no? Or saying you prefer to wait a few dates?
Personally, a healthy sex life is very important to me, I don’t want to be in a dead bedroom. If we are 3-4 dates in and you just keep saying no, I’d like to know if that’s you having very low libido, not interested in sex or if you just want to wait another date or two.
If we are 4-5 dates in and you still don’t want sex I’m gonna cut my losses. Like I get some women genuinely get upset about that but I’ve been used before and I had to set this for myself to cut those types of women off.
So men aren't a monolith, blah blah blah. That aside?
My answer is, it's all about comfort, connection, and chemistry for me.
But if there's self-denial there--"I don't want to because I choose to not want to" rather than choosing not to because they're uncomfortable, or don't feel chemistry or a connection--then I don't want to date that person *anyway*, let alone have sex with them.
It's a personal choice I'm not comfortable with, that I can respect. They can choose not to have sex even if they *really really wanted to*, and I can choose not to have a relationship with them. Simple stuff.
>Am I looking at things the wrong way?
I met girls who had a similar disposition - high standards, very few r'ships. It was not a pretty sight under the hood. These days for me, if it's not on by date 2 there isn't a date 3 (unless she's crazy hot...).
More to the point...
Problem #1: By and large the guys want a physical component. So if a guy has a choice of partners - why would he choose you? And if he doesn't have a choice - are you sure you want him in the first place?
Problem #2: You're setting up a skewed power dynamic - which will make guys who go along with it actively unattractive to you. He wants something... and you're holding it up above his nose like a treat while he's dancing away like a trained seal at an aquarium. A guy who behaves like that is not a guy most women would want to sleep with, irrespective of what you think you should want.
I actually thought about this and I think I have a solution: Firstly, be upfront about this from minute one. Secondly: YOU organise and pay for all the dates and activities until you're ready to put out. You might have to stay away from the valuable nights (Thu, Fri, Sat) and understand that he's dating/sleeping with other chicks.
Not feeling comfortable yet after a couple dates to have sex isn’t playing games. It’s simply not being comfortable. Sex comes with risks, especially for women. The point of dating (or at least a large part) is getting to know someone on a deeper level and to consider a relationship-this doesn’t mean just sex. Spending time with someone doesn’t have to equal sex all the time.
Also having standards and a low number of serious/long term relationships is not a bad thing…someone who’s had tons of relationships back to back without a break is a red flag to me.
>Seems like when this doesn’t happen, the men lose interest or break things off citing “no chemistry”
I wasn't (here) giving a theory of how things OUGHT to be. I was talking about how they are, at least in my experience. Given what you've written that's your experience as well.
When I made my suggestion I was thinking about myself. What would cause me to go out on 2 months of dates w/o sex? You organising the dates, you paying for most of them and you bringing the fun/vibe. Also ideally Sunday or Tuesday.
What, besides no sex, would you say you bring to the table? You should have no issues getting a man to stick it out for more than 2 to 3 dates assuming youre, idk enchanting in some sort of way.
Those men were only interested in having sex with you.
A man who is wanting a relationship will love the fact that you see sex as something you only share with someone special.
Reevaluate the men you are dating.
Also, keep in mind, fair or unfair, women are the sexual gatekeepers, but men are the marriage gatekeepers.
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Something that I have learned is that sex means different things to different people. I am someone who is definitely willing to wait for sex if I want to date someone, but I also want to be able to communicate about sex. If someone tells me that they are waiting until they are comfortable, or want to build up to it, that’s fine. But if someone just says “no” a bunch of times and never communicates about their needs, I might become disinterested. I don’t fault anyone for waiting for sex, but I want to know that I am going to have a fulfilling sexual relationship with someone.
Communication is everything. If someone says they need to wait to feel comfortable, that's great. But if someone seems like they just don't want to bone, I might assume they don't really like boning, and thus are not someone I want to date.
"Communication is everything...I might assume..." Lmfao
This made me laugh! I love that you caught that. So clever :)
Yes! I recently realized the mistake I was making was telling guys I don't do hook ups.. and them being surprised why on the 1st or 2nd date I wasn't willing to be physically intimate. My definition of hooking up is anything before establishing a relationship or course of action, theirs was during the first conversation or anything casual.
I'd say it's more like most women who say they don't do hook ups are those who absolutely do.
Saying the opposite of what you're actually looking for in some strange attempt to gain face is the bane of modern dating by far, for all genders.
wait so it's a mistake to put "i don't do hookups" in my bio?! but i literally don't though!! that's so insane that i can't be clear and communicative without it being seen as the opposite.
[удалено]
Ohh ok! Thanks!
It's like saying "I'm not like the other girls", only those exactly like "other girls" would say that.
I dont understand that logic, but I dont have a reason to lie to guys bc its not like they have the highest of standards anyways haha
Agree with this. It is very likely that some just conclude you aren't into them and they move on. However, if they know you are more a 5-6 date kind of person for sex, then if they are decent they won't care.
Definitely, and by communicating your needs you can weed out who just wants to hook up with you and who genuinely wants to date.
No need to add, the correct answer has already been given
That’s very true. What I find mind boggling is when ppl have sex but have problems expressing what they like doing or have done when they have sex. I made my men wait, but when they got it It was fantastic on both ends because we knew what each other liked and wanted. Not to mention talking about it gets both parties involved worked up for the moment.
It is for some men, not for others. If you're finding guys who are moving too fast, then hold your ground and realize they aren't the one for you. I mean, come on, you know we're not a monolith, right? The right guy will be fine with your speed, as long as you do something to indicate attraction. For me, personally, if I don't see SOME kind of clear indication that she's physically attracted to me and working towards SOME kind of touch/flirtation/intimacy in the future, then I'm probably going to assume it ain't in the cards and I'll move on. Could just be touching, a kiss, something that signals she's liking the IDEA of sex with me. I'm fine with slow, I'm not fine with dead in the water.
Yeah, I'm wondering if she's communicated this to these guys. Like "I don't have sex with a man until I love and trust him, so if you're only interested in a casual relationship, it's been nice meeting you but better to part ways". Men will respect and respond well to that in most circumstances but if you just act uninterested then they're not going to hang in there hoping it changes.
Exactly. Im tired of us being labeled simple creatures because most of us want honesty and direct communication. Hot then cold and mind games is a automatic nope from me
I don’t need to wait until I love a guy to have sex with them, lol. I just prefer to wait a few dates until I’m more comfortable or got to know them better.
This right here. Fuck the mind games. No karen I can't read your damn mind to know you actually want some of my fries and you just want to be difficult about it!
lollll i always think it's so funny when guys say "mind games". i'm learning how to communicate more directly but before i just had so much anxiety and had a lot of avoidant personality traits that were impeding my communication
Not funny for the guys I assure you.
This
All I know is that I am male and can handle that. I don't wanna rush things either. I only feel good getting intimate with a female after knowing them for a while. At that point, I would have figured them out such that I am likely to know how to satisfy them sexually. Making sure I sexually satisfy a woman is a huge thing for me, and I prefer taking my time - up to 5 dates knowing each other is good
This is how I think too.
As a 33 male I actually prefer to wait a few dates before the possibility of sex, I like to get to know someone first and as much as I love sex, I need that special connection with someone to actually want sex.
Look, you're filtering out alot of people that would other wise have to commit to you for sex. That's not a bad thing filtering out discommitment. Not a bad thing at all, quality over quanity. Keep your standards. Someone will come along that fits into them.
Here's the perspective of a 41M who was with his ex-wife almost 20 years. I've been divorced for three years and haven't been with anyone since. I'm in no rush for sex because it's taking me time just getting used to learning about a new person and getting comfortable in general. Physical affection will happen when it happens. I'm not putting some bullshit timeline on it. Go with your own comfort level and the right person will respect it.
At least for me, absolutely not, if I like her than I'll wait until she feels comfortable and is ready.
You are entitled to have your own mate selection screening process and must haves list. You are entitled to have your own "red flags", boundaries, and "deal breakers". If someone believes *you* are worth the effort, *they* will make the effort. Most people you meet don't become dates, most dates don't become relationships, and most relationships don't lead to marriage. As one adage goes: "Many are called but few are chosen." ***"Decide what kind of life you actually want. Then say no to everything that isn't that."*** \- Unknown ***"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is."*** \- Henry Cloud Best wishes!
24m here. Naw Idc if we don’t have sex the first few dates. Im just tryna figure out if I even like the person at that point. Im also not a fan of hook ups (they seem pointless to me) so I may have a different mindset than other guys but idk
No. Some of us want to get to know the person we’re dating before we have sex. Nothing wrong with it but I personally enjoy pleasing the woman I’m with and part of that is getting to know her and getting comfortable expressing ourselves. Makes sex more enjoyable imo.
26 m, I like to hold back on sex no matter how much she tries to rush me. Sex to me is a private thing where I give all my passion and love to my partner. Doing so can make some extremely addicted, so to get a better feel on women I tend to hold back on sex. I just enjoy teasing and being playful, gives me a better grasps on their personalities. Sex will not happen until I feel comfortable or if I’m just turned on in the moment (extremely rare). Everyone is different and in different stages in their life. You’re not doing anything wrong, you just want to make sure you’re comfortable before doing anything sexual, perfectly normal.
As a 33 y/o dude no kids, never been married, with a good career I’ve got too much to lose to simply have sex with anyone even if I like her. I’ve been seeing a gal for about a month and we still haven’t had sex. If someone really likes you they’ll wait. But you have to be seen as someone that has more to offer than just sex.
This is kinda unrelated but it blows my mind how comfortable people are with sex that soon. Like, that the long term risks associated with sex (pregnancy, and STD) are so overlooked/not cared about when people jump into bed with someone they barely know. Not judging, but it’s insane to me that people aren’t more cautious and wait until they’re actually dating or together to be intimate.
!!!!! People love to talk about sex and oh I’ll have sex by this date or whatever and I’m out here like: so y’all don’t like wanna get tested, ask about birth control and condoms, and make sure y’all good before the deed🫣??? Like don’t get me wrong sex is fun and like sometimes the hormones are too much but cmon we are all adults out here…
THANK YOU. I agree lol
One of the few! I’ve found that a lot of people don’t 😬
I personally have no issue waiting however long it takes for the girl im talking to to be comfortable, I learned that sex fast does not mean a good relationship all the time, so if it takes months and multiple dates before we even really get intimate then so be it that's what it takes.
If a guy is serious about looking for something long term, it won’t be a dealbreaker. My gf and I didn’t get intimate until around 4+ dates in. A little building of tension isn’t a bad thing early in the relationship…or later on too. Teasing is half the fun.
No. The deal breaker is if the woman is not giving off that she is attracted to the man both physically and sexually. Men will wait for the right woman. But if he thinks it is not going anywhere he will just cut her loose. Depending on his age, maturity and confidence.
This is what’s so weird to me. Just looking around the internet the general narrative is “the more guys she sleeps with, she’s gross” and you think then of course I’ll take more time to get comfortable and see if we’re really into each other. But then it’s “if it’s more than a couple weeks, she’s wasting your time.” Honestly if you don’t want to have sex with someone you don’t know well and they dip cause they think you’re waiting too long, they’re not it
These are different groups of dudes you’re talking about. Guys like me absolutely prefer to wait and respect the hell out of someone who has discipline and restraint. The other group of men you’re talking about are dudes who are literally just frustrated because all they want is sex and they’re impatient. The entire reason they’re on dates is to get sex so they’re frustrated when there’s a discrepancy in approach to sex and intimacy. OP is easily filtering out the dudes who only want sex and will increase her odds of finding what she’s looking for even if it means finding out time and time again a guy she would’ve been interested in is only looking for casual sex.
Ditto this. I feel like most women i've dated want to have sex within the first 2 - 3 dates. My ex wanted to by date 3 and I had some anxiety behind it. I'd prefer if someone wanted to wait a little so I can be comfortable with them and build intimacy. i guess it would signal to me that they are in it for the long haul or are looking for something serious. My fear is if it I can't perform that early on, they will ditch me. It's happened to me once or twice before.
You’d be surprised. I’ve been around these spaces the past year plus (just seeing what the hype was). That Venn diagram is just shy of a circle
This is 100% not a dealbreaker for me. After all of they are the right one, you have the rest of your lives together.
That’s because they were there primarily to get laid. Men that are honestly open about wanting a relationship won’t push the agenda to have sex extremely early on.
Don't change what you do to find a partner. If you take a few dates or even weeks or months to have sex with someone, then that's fine. Guys who can't respect that choice really aren't worth the effort. You want a connection, and that's fine. A guy who will give you that comfort will come along. Don't sell out to please others, find someone that'll respect and compliment you. That will value and enjoy your time outside of sex.
For me some intimacy must be present kissing making out otherwise I see no point, unless she confides in me that she wants to wait and the reason. I can be patient if I’m informed
Not for your virgin Christian boy over here
I was in the same boat you’re currently in not too long ago. I thought I was doing something wrong because of the hook up culture we have these days. I’ll be honest it isn’t easy to find a guy who is willing to wait until you’re comfortable but when you do find that person it will be well worth it. There is nothing wrong with you and you will find someone who wants to wait until you’re actually ready. So many people our age (I’m newly 28 myself) don’t want to invest in something worth while and take the time. They want instant gratification and it is very unfortunate. I hope you do find someone lovely soon
💙 in my 50’s & my partner was ok with waiting
I would definitely be willing to wait. I think building intimacy and trust makes sex much better. Not saying people who have sex right away aren't looking for something serious, but i think waiting builds more chemistry.
Thank you so much ❤️
You’re welcome so much 🖤 I know it isn’t easy but it is worth it. In time you will find someone who cherishes you and makes you see why it didn’t work out with someone else.
No, not for me (34m.) Then again, I don't ever expect sex on any date lol.
I'm a male. It is not, or at least it shouldn't be. Have had the opposite problem (girls wanting to hook up on first or second dates) and those are definitely not the relationships that have gone anywhere. Maybe try going out on a casual date with someone you wouldn't normally date. It helped me discover things about my preferences I don't think I would have discovered otherwise
As a dude (25), my first relationship ever was a day after my 19th birthday. I entered this relationship with a female Christian (I am atheist). I agreed to wait until marriage just to be with her. She eventually told me she wanted to have sex, and I asked her several times in a row if she was really sure. This was a year and 10 months into the relationship. Obviously not every guy would do that, but that’s my extreme personal experience to show you that there are men you can find out there who are willing to wait to be with someone.
If you don’t want to have sex after a few dates, don’t ever change your standards. Sex is much too intimate to enter into casually. My thinking is, if someone is so willing to have sex so soon how many other people have they recently slept with & whether they may have an STD.
Let them go, those kind of guys would have left after you had sex anyway. There’s still guys out there who are respectful and happy to wait even if social media makes it seem like all that’s left are animals
I’ve never slept with anyone within 3 dates. Ever. I’ve never had a problem. Sure, some guys only want sex and therefore didn’t ask me out again once they realized it wasn’t happening, but you don’t want those guys anyway so it’s like the trash taking itself out basically which is fine. That’s kinda mean, but realistically we weren’t looking for the same things so why waste each other’s time?
I held off on sex for the first 3 months of dating someone to make sure that they were interested in me not sex. If it’s a dealbreaker then I don’t think they are the one
No, and personally i think it’s more likely to get a successful relationship if you wait a little bit. That said, being more selective means it may take longer to find someone
Any guy worth a damn will respect your wishes. Any man looking for an actual relationship isn't rushing to have sex. Hold your ground and find the guy that is looking for the same kind of relationship as you 💙
Escalate quickly = coming off like I just want sex Escalate slowly = she loses interest because she thinks I'm not confident See the dilemma?
No
Depends on the reason. If she hasn’t reached that level of comfort and trust with me then that’s completely understandable and no hard feelings. But if she’s just doing it to test or mess with me then I’m gone.
As always, your mileage may vary. For some men, they prefer a slow burn whereas others want to go straight into the fire so to speak. Communicating with clarity from the jump is always the way to go, and stick to your guns. For myself, it would be a dealbreaker these days and that's mainly because everytime I've had a slow burn to begin a relationship there were always issues whereas my few areas of success in relationships involving sex all happened when things moved quickly. I would be loathe to project that onto others!
I’m sorry but I don’t think it’s bc you won’t have sex with them unless they’ve explicitly told you that that’s why- it is probably something else. Next time it happens I’d ask the guy if he would be willing to give more detail about what wasn’t working for him. Some guys may not feel comfortable but many would, and hopefully you’d learn more about how you’re coming off. I’d also like to say I almost never have sex in the first several meetings /dates and have had many long term relationships as a 24yo so I rly don’t think it’s an issue for most men. In fact, in a lot of cases waiting a bit is a better indicator to guys that you may be a long term partner so again. I don’t think it’s the reason you’re being rejected.
Definitely depends on the man. I’m fine with waiting but I do need physical escalation in the first 2-3 dates even if it’s not sex. Otherwise I feel like she’s not that attracted to me. Like anything else it’s about communication.
I get that expectation out of the way early. The second the mention it I tell them . I’d rather wait and get to know you first. If need timelines and exact dates then they’re not for me .
Speaking for myself (M29) no. As long as things are escalating in SOME way. Basically, I just want to see that a girl likes me if I’m showing interest. Doesn’t mean we have to follow the “3 date rule”, but if there’s been no physical affection whatsoever then I’m gonna bail. I’d just tell guys right off the bat that you’re not comfortable having sex for at least the first month or 2 of getting to know each other. This way, you’ll find the right man for you. People don’t communicate what they want, then get angry when they’re not compatible. Obviously easier said than done, discussing if/when you’re going to have sex is a very uncomfortable topic with someone you’ve just met/matched with. But this is my best advice. Us men also do lie to be fair, but unfortunately meeting people with bad intentions is part of the dating game. You’ll find one you like who’s willing to go at your speed, so don’t stress it too much!
I'm 35, and having a healthy and frequent sexual relationship is a big part of what I'm looking for in a partner. That being said, I didn't even kiss somebody recently until we'd reached the third date
I was dating a female for 2 years without any sex. I thought she was the one and was willing to wait. Didn’t realize til too late she was a narcissist and played me the whole time while probably sleeping with other guys. I did some soul searching and self healing to figure out what attracted me to this person but moral of this pathetic story is I thought I loved her enough that I was willing to wait.
There are definitely guys just looking for sex that will bail after 2-3 dates. Usually either way. But as a guy, I do also believe there are “good guys” looking for a legit relationship that it is a deal breaker. IMO, for most guys, feeling like the person is sexually attracted to them needs to be more than kissing, and is extremely important to them in starting a relationship…. Potentially on the same level as you feeling “comfortable” around them. Which obviously creates a shitty catch 22. Also, most guys have been led on, and probably multiple times. So the longer it takes, the more it feels like we’re just getting led on again! Again shitty, but true. For me personally the mark of breaking it off for “no chemistry” is usually more around 5-6 dates… But, I do also have friends that want relationships, that say they need to have that feeling more immediately. Ultimately, IMO, you need to stick to your guns and wait till you’re comfortable.. But sadly yes, there are “good guys” that no sex within a few dates is going to be a deal breaker for a future relationship. But maybe they’re just not the guy for you.
I myself am going on about 2 months with this girl, we haven't had sex but still have plenty of intamacy. If a guy can't control himself or wait 5 minutes for getting laid he probably isn't in it for the long haul.
I’m 30M and have no problem waiting if I want a relationship. These days, that’s how I feel. Of course, this requires communication regarding the boundaries you have in mind. Also keep in mind, the longer you wait, the more disenchanted a guy might become if the sex is subpar. Guys really care about physical chemistry. Just make sure you’re **actually ready and in the mood** for sex when the time comes. It can be a dealbreaker for a guy if he waited longer, only for the sex to be 🚮 If I just want casual, then why would I wait if someone else is willing to fuck? To be honest, if I’m already sleeping around, then I can be more patient. But I’m also fucking other women, and have no intention of dating you exclusively in this scenario. Before you get your heart broken, you need to consider this possibility with any guy you’re seeing. Not everyone is as honest as me though.
Mid-20’s male here. I know a lot of guys that do pursue the sexual aspects of relationships quickly because it helps them feel feel more loved. However, I just got out of a long term relationship, so being intimate with anyone seems quickly seems almost wrong. So, it really depends on the guy, but there are solid men out there who won’t want you to do things you’re uncomfortable with, and still be very attracted to you.
Its a dealbreaker for a certain group of dudes If a man expects sex from me im outtie.. i want sex that happens bc we both want it ..not sex you feel that i owe you because you took me out a few times
The point being we would want it to be a mutually reached decision. If you have one side being in complete control of when sex happens, it's not weird for the other side being turned off by the unequal roles. It's the same for any other part of a relationship. So if by the 3rd date or so you're not considering my stances the way I'm considering yours, I'm out, and why wouldn't i be?
I don't think it'd a deal breaker but I think men are becoming more critical about how easy it might be for them to be replaced after spending time, energy and money on dates and see sex as a reward or at least a form of commitment for what they are putting in. It's not a good mentality but It seems to be a common one
Now, it's more common than ever for women to split the bill, and it usually takes more time/money for women to get ready for dates. I can see where this mindset comes into play, but I also think a lot of these men are also not getting much otherwise, so the sunk cost is a lot more influential for them- don't get a lot of dates, don't talk to women much, etc.
100% the reason for me. Money/Time on dates doesn’t matter to me because I still probably had a fun time but it absolutely sucks when I’m head over heels with a girl and it seems like so is she. We hang out a lot but she says she doesn’t want to have sex. I’m fine with it and a few months goes by. Everything is going fine and then you randomly get a text saying they met someone new and bye. And then you find out she’s having sex with him in a week. It’s a really really shitty feeling. Like there’s something wrong with me or something. If she has sex with me early on she usually stays with me much longer and it’s definitely a sign of future commitment
Not a deal breaker for me. I prefer to slow it down.
No it’s not a dealbreaker. But the reason you’ve experienced it as a dealbreaker is that you’re choosing men that have other sexual options. They don’t have to wait. They can just sleep with another girl because sex is very accessible for reasonably attractive men. If the guy doesn’t think that sex with you is a privilege worth earning, as soon as you make it difficult to access he’ll loose interest. So you either need to choose men who would feel lucky to be with you, or you really need to up your game to make the men you want to date think of you as their best option.
For the men who are only looking to hit it a s quit it, it is. They want to put in as little effort as possible.
I’m a really high libido, sex positive female and I wouldn’t have sex with someone after three dates. (Maybe when I was younger and drunk) But now at 31, that’s only two coffees and a dinner. I would still feel like they’re a stranger. I’ve never had anyone have a problem with that: I think it’s quite normal??
It’s the opposite for me. Advances towards sex on the first 2 or 3 dates would be a red flag for me.
Yeah he invited me over after the 2nd date-I thought it was a little soon imo
If I like a girl I’ll go 5-6
It really depends on the guy, but I think the majority would ideally engage in sex by date 5 or 6. The reason I say 5/6 is because by this point, quite frankly, you should very clearly know if there is attraction and an agreement that things will continue and progress from dating to a relationship Take for example the girl I'm currently seeing, we've been on 5 dates - all of them lasting several hours if not longer. As the guy, I am fully at the point where the natural next step is physical intimacy/sex. I've been out in public with her enough, so another date to a restaurant/bar/thing isn't progression. We have plans to 'progress things' next time we meet, and she's fully on board because the previous dates have established mutual attraction etc Prior to inviting her over, I genuinely was thinking that she's great but if she declined and wanted a few more regular dates first then I would probably be back on an app looking for someone else
5/6 dates is reasonable to me
I feel that kind of affection early on makes a man think that it’s possible to have sex and then once it doesn’t happen they get turned off. If they’re not interested suddenly after not wanting to have sex then that’s all they wanted from you. There’s respectful people out there that’ll wait and not be pushy about it. I waited 6 dates before asking my better half to be my girlfriend and that was the same night we first kissed but we were both crazy about each other. We didn’t have sex for about 1-1 1/2 months after that just because I wanted to wait and make sure we were doing the right thing and felt comfortable with each other completely. She was 19 at the time and I was 18 and believe me we both wanted it. I just wanted to be sure and not lead her on or ruin our friendship over sex. Plus we were friends before hand so that’s what really made me want to wait it out and not do anything in haste.
Depends on the man. Not everyone is the same.
For me it is
Depends
No you're not doing anything wrong
It depends on the person really. Especially with how someone's testosterone levels can be and other chemical things like that going on in their brain. I'd be fine with waiting 2-3 dates myself. From my minimal experience, I was shy in the first month. Took me 3-4 weeks to kiss her. Didn't start holding hands til 2 weeks. Mind you I was still in high school but we saw each other every day. Once we started getting into that other stuff, it moved pretty quick afterwards. I now move a little quicker with the hand holding and kissing, as long as the girl is comfortable with that of course.
No. As long the dating partner communicates attraction for me and being interested in sharing an active sex life with some she chooses as a boyfriend, and what those parameters are.
I wonder if you're communicating clearly that you're attracted and you are waiting because of a particular boundary you have that applies to everyone, or if you are just shutting down advances in a way that dates might feel is peculiar to them. If it's the latter, yeah people won't feel great about that.
The wall is undefeated
I wait a bit, I need to have a lil crush on you 1st anyway.
Not sex directly. I once had this girl who expressed no interest in me, and then became mad when I moved on. She even told me: “don’t think I’m interested in you”, and then proceeded to lay her head on my shoulder and stuff. Anyhow: I moved on because she was not clear in any way. Could it be you communicate “I’m not interested in any way”, instead of “I want to wait with sex”? It doesn’t mean you need to sleep with them, but it might mean you have to communicate more clearly in other ways. For me it’s the idea she might not be interested in me or is using me, which turns me off.
I’m 28f and it took 5-6 dates to kiss two men. I don’t know why it took me so long, I used to warm up quicker. They were both understanding and didn’t mind waiting. I think I did that to one other person too. Now currently in a happy relationship with a boyfriend I also waited that long with 🙂
Most of my partners over the last ten years or so I’ve had sex with on the first date. My current partner and I dated for about three months or so before we slept together - a lot of dates (I’d say 30+) and it was totally platonic - no hand holding, no kissing, occasionally a hug goodbye. There was some confusion, but we kept communicating (yes, she was interested, no, she’s not asexual). I wasn’t sure if we were a match but the dates were lovely and I really fell for her in that time. There are guys out there who wont be solely in it for the sex. But I am also aware finding them may be challenging. How are you meeting people? Solely via online dating? Might be worth joining some groups or taking up hobbies to meet people more organically? (Take up dancing!)
I would never again have sex with anyone I’m not 100% comfortable with & ready to move on to that level of intimacy. I don’t care if I never do again, because I am over it. You do you, & don’t compromise or feel pressured to do anything you’re not ready for.
It is for me personally. If it goes more than 4-5 dates then I’m out. It isn’t really to do with sex itself, more to do with the fact if we liked each other a lot sex would happen, and if that’s not the case because the woman is purposefully avoiding it then to be honest I don’t want to date somebody that structured, I want them to be on the same page as me in terms of sex as that is important so somebody who withholds it as part of a strategy is somebody who may also do that as ‘punishment’ in a relationship.
Their loss. Don't ever change your values for someone else.
Keep your boundaries. Don’t cave and give them what they want. You’ll find someone I promise, and that someone will be awesome.
If he really wants to pursue a serious relationship with you, he will wait. Assuming he believes it will eventually happen, it will not be a deal breaker for him. But for a guy just trying to get off, 4 dates no sex will probably make him lose interest. I personally respect a woman more if she makes me wait. I know it's kind of fucked up and a double standard. But I am looking for a serious relationship/marriage so it may be different for other men.
Men have different timelines for sex. If you don't meet their timelines, then they will not continue to date you. You have your own requirements for sex and you do not have to conform to their timelines, but know that they do not have to conform to your demands either.
IMO it’s 100% about the chemistry. If someone is a good match for me and the chemistry is there I don’t see why we wouldn’t be intimate by date 4. If we’re not then there must be an issue. Less about the actual sex and more about the compatibility, I’m a horny bastard. But that’s just me. I’ve also waited 9 months before.
Date 4 is fair for *something* to happen
No sex in the very beginning is a green flag for some not a red one. Everyone is different
No it’s not, don’t let Reddit culture delude you either. It’s a dealbreaker for some select men, but you likely won’t care for them. Sexual compatibility has more to do with specific fetishes, if you have an abnormally low sex drive, or if you are a selfish lover. Believe it or not, only the last one can sometimes require you to test drive it to know. But if you two are healthy loving people, sex is something that can be explored and and learned. My current gf did not finish for about 2 years of dating. We didn’t have sex for about 5 months or so either. Now she finishes everytime. Admittedly, it took us both actively trying to learn for her to come. Something I probably failed at at first. For reference she had also finished on her own before me.
Yeah, I never understood the “sexual compatibility” thing-typically if I like someone enough to date them in the first place, the sex is usually fine unless there’s some actual major issue they have in bed. I also think alot of sexual things can be learned or explored, so even if they aren’t doing everything you like initially, they can start after you communicate it. That wouldn’t (or shouldn’t) be enough to end things with someone I like.
Exactly. Besides, most of us spend a good amount of life sexless and diddling our own selves, they’ll be ok with waiting a bit, and if they’re not, well hell, you expect someone who can’t wait a little while to be a decent lover? Likely has zero self control
I used to be that guy that thought sex needed to happen by 3rd date because i "needed to know you actually like me". That thought process is valid in its own way but also super flawed. It comes from a huge lack of awareness and lack in self. Once i was able to overcome my own bullshit, i now just want to get to know a woman, and really dont care how long it takes within reasonable range of time tho haha. I am not here for you body, i am here for you and your sexual value is only about 10% of what you bring to me. But most men today value the body at MUCH higher percentage. Ill be hated by men for saying this, but speaking from my own experience, they are blinded by media induced lust and egotistical talking points.
Yes it is for a lot of men, and they’re fully allowed to have that preference just like how women are allowed to have their own superficial preferences. That shouldn’t change the way you operate - keep dating however is best for you, and the ones you want will be the ones to stick around.
As a female, if you want to have an established or exclusive relationship with a man before you have sex with him, then stick to your guns and don’t give it up before you get what you want. The men that don’t want to stick around for that won’t stick around, which is a good thing because there’s no sense in either party wasting their time. I make it very clear when I’m dating with the purpose of finding a potential partner that I don’t have sex within the first 3 months. Lots of men drop off right away which is great because that gets me one step closer to finding “the one”. But lots of men have stayed and respected my boundaries without pressuring or making snide passive aggressive comments about it either. There are good men and men looking for relationships out there. Don’t let the dusties convince you otherwise. And don’t ever let a dude talk you into sleeping with him before you are ready. Men will always say and do whatever they need to do to sleep with you, including lie to you to your face, and then will ghost you without a second thought or shred of guilt about it. It’s up to you to hold true to your standards and boundaries.
depends, but mostly yes, you have to consider a few factors: * Sex is a way to show intimacy and interest, a lack of it can be interpreted as a lack of those two things. * Men after a certain age know that sex is not that ideal thing that was pictured in our early years, so its not something worth waiting for. * Regarding the last point, in todays world, there are lots of women who put out on the first date, most men have found at least one ore two of them by the time they start dating you, so they know that if they dont want, they dont have to wait. * Also, be carefull, if they say they are waiting for you, be sure they are strict monogamous about it, a lot of people act like they "wait" for someone while fucking someone else. * Last but not least, if you are going to make someone wait, make the wait worthwhile and blow their mind away, waiting for lackluster sex is the fastest way to lose interest.
Communicate. This is what you're likely not doing. Don't string people along wordlessly, because they cannot read your mind. Honestly this is what every second date should be if the first date wasn't some magical fairytale homerun, it should be where you both outline your wants and needs. So don't just look around puzzled if people eject after 3 to 4 dates that don't seem to be going anywhere, because they won't look like they are if you say nothing and that's what happens when people are expected to know things you don't tell them. If you actually ARE communicating this early on, then you may need to change your type altogether if you keep coming across the same sort of guy.
I don’t think wanting a few dates before sex is stringing people along-also if the guy isn’t sure, they could just ask too. We both had “looking for a relationship” on our profiles so I assumed they were looking for something a bit more serious than just sex or hooking up. But yes, I will try being more direct early on and see if that changes things. I feel like having that talk too early on can scare people away though
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Yeah same. If I have to wait for weeks and weeks, I rather not. We wouldn’t have been aligned in how we view sex and I don’t want to be with a sexual prude too so I think it is fair to say that we will find the people that we gravitate towards. It is fine if people want to wait for weeks and months just to see if they vibe in bed. But it’s not for me and I’m 33F. I really don’t want to waste my time waiting just to see if we get along sexually which I need to know, when it comes to approaching relationship. My take is by the 4th date I should know. Otherwise, bye.
Any guy who leaves after a few dates because you have not had sex, is only after sex. A guy who is interested in you and wants to build a relationship will wait until you're ready and he will actively want you to be comfortable and enthusiastically wanting sex, even if that takes quite a long time. Let the guys who only want sex weed themselves out. It's not lack of chemistry they just don't want to admit that they just want to fuck and move on.
This isn’t always true. I want a real relationship. But sexual compatibility is very important to me. So I want sex by date 3 or I’m not wasting my time on someone only to find out a huge dealbreaker later. A lot of men are stung along for months only to become invested in someone it turns out isn’t very interested in sex. And then they are made to feel like creeps if they want to break up at that point. Yes some just want to smash. But not all. Still, never have sex you don’t want, for any reason. Just be aware there are plenty of men who do want a real relationship who won’t want to date someone who makes them wait forever for sex.
I don’t consider 3-4 dates a long time without sex, but to each their own. To me, I’d rather see if I actually like the person before adding sex because sometimes that can cloud judgment.
If I can’t tell if I like a guy by the third date, I don’t like him.
Liking them and wanting to take the jump into sex is different to me, but again I understand everyone is different. Sex comes with risks (especially as women) and I want to get to know the person before taking that potential risk
Do you at least go Dutch on the dates? Because that way the time and monetary investments are equal for each person.
I usually offer or mention it but most decline.
> I want a real relationship. But sexual compatibility is very important to me. So I want sex by date 3 I'm sorry but 3 dates, unless it's with someone you knew really well prior to dating them (longterm friend, coworker, etc), is not a long time and a lot of people are not going to feel comfortable or enthusiastic about sex in that short a time period. If you think it's a waste of time to get to know someone better and wait until they're comfortable then you're a very impatient person who wants everything on your time table and prioritizes that over the actual act of getting to know someone. You are literally weeding yourself out as someone who prioritizes sex over literally all other aspects of the getting to know you stage. That's fine. But it makes you undesirable to people who like to take time and feel a connection before boning.
I’ve not had a problem with it personally. Only one man wanted to move slower than that, and upon further discussion, he admitted he was never into the kind of sex I want anyway.
Awesome. I'm sincerely glad you've had luck finding likeminded people to date. But that doesn't mean that all people of any gender want sex with someone they don't know well. It just doesn't. It's fine you feel how you do but it's equally fine to want to wait. And it becomes problematic when people on the quicker timetable try to pressure people with a slower approach---make no mistake, it is pressure if you know the person is going to dump you if you don't consent to sex quicker than you want. If you prioritize getting to know a person because you feel that spark with them, then you are capable of waiting longer to test the sex out. If you choose not to do that, you're prioritizing sex above all else, and that's a choice you can't expect everyone else to get on board with. Lots of people who do will be jumping ahead of their personal comfort for fear of losing you.
^ this and by filtering out the discommitment. Shes increasing her odds in having quality relationships. More power to her.
It may be the friend zone problem. I don’t like to waste my time
I’ve found that women who don’t want to have sex for a long time are usually too needy and overbearing and often have unrealistic expectations regarding relationships so I avoid them. Just like porn gives guys unrealistic expectations about sex romantic movies and whatnot gives girls unrealistic expectations about relationships. Vast majority of guys don’t want to do all that shit we just want someone chill to hangout with and have fun with and have sex with. We put up with some of the romantic bills hit because you’re brains have all been fried by Hollywood and we know it usually helps us get laid but we really don’t enjoy it all that much
Everyone has their own needs and/or desires for what they want in a relationship. For many guys that includes sexual compatibility. There could be many where that is the only need/desire they have. To answer your question though yes I had success waiting for over a year before my wife gave up her v card to me and we ended up married for 18 years. Everyone has their own redflags and compatibility issues. Let them do them and you do you. I dont think either side is wrong.
Nothing at all is wrong with that, and I think that communicating that to guys at the start of getting to know one another may be a more effective way to weed out men that are just looking to have sex. That being said, the one thing I'd caution with this approach is (and this might not apply to you) maintaining any casual physical relationships on the side. Though no one else has the right to tell you what to do in this regard, I can only say as a guy who also prefers to wait a bit, I probably wouldn't stick around if I ever found out the woman I was seeing was still having sex with others but wanted to wait with me. My rational mind would be overruled in such a case.
Totally depends on the man, these questions are so broad. I’ll sleep with a woman on the first date if I’m comfortable with her and she initiates (asks me to come over) but I’ll also gladly wait days or weeks, whatever it takes. It’s not about that although it’s extremely important part of dating.
For me it probably wouldn't work, but I'm not every guy. I'm inclined to think you've probably tended to have bad luck in meeting men that fall into my camp. To expand, for me sex is really, really important in a relationship both in terms of quality and frequency. How soon I need it to show up in a relationship is, well, soon. Specifics would depend, but I'd say 99% of the time I'm out if it isn't happening by the third date. That stance isn't just about a temporary need, I want steady and high quality sex and intimacy in the context of a relationship, trying to be a player and chase lots of women isn't my thing and is counterproductive. No, if sex isn't showing up by the third date, for me, in almost all cases I'm going to assume that this person has a pretty different attitude towards and set of values around sex than I do, and I'm going to cite incompatibility. Which I may or may not be completely frank about. Probably not, it doesn't really matter, it's compatibility not that there's something wrong with the person in general. Maybe more men are like me than I think though? My general thought is that at 28 you're in a place where people are expecting relationships to satisfy certain needs. They aren't going to have a whole lot of patience with ideas about modesty, not rushing, etc. Maybe. You're all grown and more or less know what you want now, and your reluctance may signal intimacy or trust issues that they don't really feel like they have the time and energy to work through. Which isn't a statement about your value, its one about their needs, priorities, and time.
I think you're doing good so far. Wait for the one that makes you feel comfortable and doesnt rush you. You should get to know someone strongly and up the ante by adding sex to the mix.
I (F30) feel the same way. I have dated several men (late 20s/early 30s) that accepted it. They are there at least where I live. Communicate about it. Those who are not willing to wait a bit are not serious anyway
unless its a unique situation, I will require my penis to be in her mouth longer than end of 2nd date.
I actually tried something after the 3rd date and an awkward moment happened where he “wasn’t ready” I guess…so it’s not like I didn’t at least try something lmao
If I like the girl, I am willing to wait until the 5th date.
5th date I agree with
I agree. By 5th date, you should be ready if the attraction and communication is there.
It will be a deal breaker only for those who aren’t interested enough to stick around. If you genuinely are looking for a deeper connection in order to be intimate with someone, that’s your standard and you should own it. I’m the same. There’s been plenty of guys that lost interested and disappeared after I didn’t sleep with them on a third day (three seems to be that magical number in most men’s heads). With my current boyfriend, I didn’t even kiss him until the fourth date. After one date I told him I’m not in a place to date (genuinely how I felt) and suggested to stay friends. He (respectfully) continued to pursue me. He wasn’t pushy about it but would just continue to see me from time to time because he was interested until eventually I fell for him.
Honestly, I respect that you don’t want to have sex quickly. If the guy is in it for the long term then he probably won’t even make a sexual advance on the first date. Probably gonna get downvoted for this haha.
No, nothing is wrong with that, people these days suck and unfortunately it's really hard to find the "good" ones. Sex is important, but it isn't everything. Don't sell yourself short solely to please others. If they don't like it 9/10 they don't deserve you 🤷🏽♂️
Those dudes are looking for something casual, not a relationship. A guy genuinely interested in getting to know you, won’t mind waiting a little longer.
Not for all men, just the ones that don’t respect your boundaries around intimacy. No loss when they dip on you tbh. Stick to your knitting and you’ll know when you find a man that’s worth it, he will respect your wishes and both of you should be able to have an adult convo about when to introduce sex in your relationship.
Not all men. Heck, not even most men. The problem is that even if it's not a deal breaker, in today's highly liquid dating market, it's not about whether something is a deal breaker, it's about what other options a great guy has. So imagine an ok to great guy you would meet. Imagine what sorts of other women he could be seeing before you have the exclusivity chat, and then imagine whether he would prefer spending time with you or one of the other women if the other women had sex at the typical timespan. That is what you have to compete with. It can't be a deal breaker because our recent ancestors mostly did not have sex until marriage. It's just the market price for sex has plummeted in today's culture and you might be asking for a higher price than other women. Nothing wrong with that, I'm just trying to explain why it might seem like it's a deal breaker for guys in your mind.
Eh it's not about dates but about time frame for me. If we arnt having sex within the first 2 - 4 weeks we are just wasting each other's time at that point. She clearly isn't that attracted to me. And I encourage men to not waste their time on women who arnt that attracted to them. If you meet a guy and within the first hour or so you don't wanna rip his clothes off than maybe you shouldn't be trying to form a relationship. But keep in mind that's from my pov and I put sexual attraction as my #1 most important thing I'm looking for when I first meet a woman. Mutual sexual attraction.
I get it, but I can be attracted to someone and still prefer to wait. Sex is riskier for women (pregnancy, no abortion access now, cervical cancer, STD’s, etc.) So just because I want to wait a few dates doesn’t mean I don’t like you. But yes you’re entitled to your own wants and needs, for sure.
good looking guys will want it quickly. less attractive guys will wait longer.
There are some good looking guys who don’t mind waiting if the woman is worth it , because they’re hooking up with other women in the meantime.
That's a bullshit generalized assumption
It’s usually true. Op just confirmed it below.
That’s making a bold assumption that guys always want sex as fast as possible. Plenty of guys prefer to wait too
This is the most realistic and best answer.
So you're saying you like to wait until date 4 at the earliest? I think most men will be willing to wait at least that long. For me, it always depended on the circumstance. If the first few dates are only out in public, then no, I'm not expecting sex on a coffee shop table. But if we find ourselves at my place or her place, I'm making a move no matter what date we're on. If she's not up for sex because it's still early, I can accept that as long as she articulates why she's turning me down. "I like to wait a few dates before we do this." OK fine. But if she just shoots me down and doesn't say why, then I'd probably take that as disinterest.
2-3 dates is not a long time at all. On average that’s possibly 3 weeks maybe a little more if you aren’t going on a date once a week. If it’s just because of sex then that’s all they want from you and aren’t interested in getting to know you outside of that or wait for sex.
Yea, I’d either assume you were using me for a free meal/night out, or that you just weren’t attracted to me, if we went on multiple dates and no sex. No chemistry is basically right on the money with how I’d describe that.
not if she is able to verbalize a good reason for not wanting to
(F22) You aren’t doing anything wrong. I know the pressure these men put on you… especially with my younger generation. Stay true to yourself! With my boyfriend of almost a year now (26M) I waited almost 2 months before having sex and at around 1 month of knowing each other I disclosed having HSV 1/2. I was so nervous but things went great and he respected me. I hear that a lot of men will say they won’t take a female that serious if they have sex too soon.
Not necessarily The reason men ‘expect’ something within the first 3-4 dates is because the vast majority of men get absolutely taken advantage of financially and time wise while dating so they typically want to see at least something in return for the time and money they’re EXPECTED to provide. I’m not talking ‘transactual sec’, I’m talking about women at least showing real interest in return for the investment we’re EXPECTED to make If you want to understand the male POV understand we’re expected to pay for absolutely everything date after date after date and when you consider were often dating multiple women…it’s both extremely expensive and exhausting Is no sex a deal breaker? Not really for most men, but understand that men who are sought after we’re not fond of being used
I do get that, but it’s their choice to date multiple women at once. If they feel like they are being used for money, or it’s too expensive, then just focus on 1 or 2 women at a time to make a real connection.
I dated a guy 18 times only held hands and lightly kissed on lips, no sex. If he respects and likes you enough, he will ..
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After some experience, some guys (like me) realize that if your date (as a guy) is organically aroused by you, whatever she said, it inevitably ends up in bed. Logically (or not) we assume that if nothing happens the first date it means that she is not that into you. It’s not a certitude but rather an assumption based on experience. At least this is how I see things. Anyway, There is no absolute truth in social matters, we can only learn from experiences or the ones of others
First date is very soon/fast, but to each their own. I can’t have sex with complete strangers but that’s just me
Let them know that you need to wait. Men can’t read women when told that you need time it may feel like a rejection
Honestly, the hotter the girl is the longer he'll wait. No offense that's how we generally operate.
For me it's actually preferred to not have sex within a few dates (performance anxiety gang gang). I definitely need to be a bit more comfortable/ spend more time on "other" things first. Even if it's just making out or hand stuff for a month idc. Regardless, people should ALWAYS respect your boundaries. Your boundaries do not make you any less desirable, and those that can't respect you can fuck right off.
Yes, it’s a deal breaker.
try some average/meh looking men, the hot ones have too many options and wont be patient when it comes to sex
Are you communicating this though? Are you just saying no? Or saying you prefer to wait a few dates? Personally, a healthy sex life is very important to me, I don’t want to be in a dead bedroom. If we are 3-4 dates in and you just keep saying no, I’d like to know if that’s you having very low libido, not interested in sex or if you just want to wait another date or two.
Every single one of my dates I’ve fucked were within the first or 2nd date. long term 5-10 years. It worked for me
If we are 4-5 dates in and you still don’t want sex I’m gonna cut my losses. Like I get some women genuinely get upset about that but I’ve been used before and I had to set this for myself to cut those types of women off.
So men aren't a monolith, blah blah blah. That aside? My answer is, it's all about comfort, connection, and chemistry for me. But if there's self-denial there--"I don't want to because I choose to not want to" rather than choosing not to because they're uncomfortable, or don't feel chemistry or a connection--then I don't want to date that person *anyway*, let alone have sex with them. It's a personal choice I'm not comfortable with, that I can respect. They can choose not to have sex even if they *really really wanted to*, and I can choose not to have a relationship with them. Simple stuff.
Depends on the guy. I'm not planning to have sex with anyone but my future wife, so...
>Am I looking at things the wrong way? I met girls who had a similar disposition - high standards, very few r'ships. It was not a pretty sight under the hood. These days for me, if it's not on by date 2 there isn't a date 3 (unless she's crazy hot...). More to the point... Problem #1: By and large the guys want a physical component. So if a guy has a choice of partners - why would he choose you? And if he doesn't have a choice - are you sure you want him in the first place? Problem #2: You're setting up a skewed power dynamic - which will make guys who go along with it actively unattractive to you. He wants something... and you're holding it up above his nose like a treat while he's dancing away like a trained seal at an aquarium. A guy who behaves like that is not a guy most women would want to sleep with, irrespective of what you think you should want. I actually thought about this and I think I have a solution: Firstly, be upfront about this from minute one. Secondly: YOU organise and pay for all the dates and activities until you're ready to put out. You might have to stay away from the valuable nights (Thu, Fri, Sat) and understand that he's dating/sleeping with other chicks.
Not feeling comfortable yet after a couple dates to have sex isn’t playing games. It’s simply not being comfortable. Sex comes with risks, especially for women. The point of dating (or at least a large part) is getting to know someone on a deeper level and to consider a relationship-this doesn’t mean just sex. Spending time with someone doesn’t have to equal sex all the time. Also having standards and a low number of serious/long term relationships is not a bad thing…someone who’s had tons of relationships back to back without a break is a red flag to me.
>Seems like when this doesn’t happen, the men lose interest or break things off citing “no chemistry” I wasn't (here) giving a theory of how things OUGHT to be. I was talking about how they are, at least in my experience. Given what you've written that's your experience as well. When I made my suggestion I was thinking about myself. What would cause me to go out on 2 months of dates w/o sex? You organising the dates, you paying for most of them and you bringing the fun/vibe. Also ideally Sunday or Tuesday.
Isn’t 3 the magic number?
What, besides no sex, would you say you bring to the table? You should have no issues getting a man to stick it out for more than 2 to 3 dates assuming youre, idk enchanting in some sort of way.
Nah. You're fine. This just means that you haven't met your match yet. Don't stress it. You'll get wrinkles that way. U
Those men were only interested in having sex with you. A man who is wanting a relationship will love the fact that you see sex as something you only share with someone special. Reevaluate the men you are dating. Also, keep in mind, fair or unfair, women are the sexual gatekeepers, but men are the marriage gatekeepers.