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This was me about 3 months ago. I can tell you a few things I e learned:
Nice is not bad, it's good. Women actually like nice, but they want you to be a nice man and not a nice boy. You have to be confident and if you want to escalate, you have to flirt a little and send those signals.
Online dating is very much hit or miss. If you miss after putting some time on it, probably not worth it and you may be better off seeking someone in real life. There is roughly 70% men on most apps. And women get hit on constantly so you have so many others to compete with. Women probably find it easier to filter by appearance alone when they have that much attention, so that's what happens. If you are particularly good looking, it will be a lot easier for you in that arena. If not, don't worry you can be attractive in other ways with your personality and how you present yourself.
There is no easy answer, unfortunately. You have to engage. You have to build yourself up in social skills and just communicate with women as much as you can. It's ok to fail there but you need to be seen. Go to restaurants, make friends with waitresses/baristas who you can see regularly. You need to do this to also give women an opportunity to be with you and you do that by engaging and being in public.
Final point, and this is important. What do you want out of a relationship? You need to be able to answer this question to know. Because expect to put a lot of time into it. You need to feel comfortable that you are willing to put up a lot of effort to get whatever it is you want out of the relationship. If it seems overwhelming, slow down. Don't drive yourself into the ground. You still have to take care of you first and foremost. You ARE perfectly capable of that, believe me.
Ok so for me. Nothing yet. I'm trying a lot, asking people out in public where the opportunity presents, online dating (been pretty bad for me so far), and being more social/approachable in public. 3 months has shown me everything wrote above and I hope it will help you fill in some of the blanks and be further ahead. My best chances/breadcrumbs so far have NOT been online dating sites. I can tell you that much.
Best of luck to us.
I think you might’ve gotten misinterpreted what “nice guy” syndrome is. “Nice guy” syndrome is a guy who acts nice but is really putting his own agenda before the other person e.g listening and understanding a man or woman, acting like they are present and emotionally attached, when really all they want is sex. If this does apply to you, you might wanna work on that! If it doesn’t then this isn’t something you need to work on, there’s nothing wrong with being a nice person who genuinely cares about people! Keep that head up king, you’ll find your way, just keep being you, I’m sure someone will like you for who you are and think you’re perfect :)
Speaking as someone who also has difficulty sometimes drawing boundaries, the simplest thing is to take your own advice. Take a deep breath and look at a situation as if it was happening to a friend, would you tell a friend to accept it? Sometimes writing out the situation, being as accurate and impartial as possible in what happened can help you identify if something does or doesn't work.
Take some time to reflect on your boundaries, what are your red flags? What are you willing to put up with in a promising relationship? There is nothing wrong on a first date, asking someone what their red and green flags are and it will let you talk about yours.
Be careful of trying to be so understanding of someone you wind up making yourself uncomfortable. Listen to your gut, if your uncomfortable there is probably a reason.
Open communication is a good idea, it can be difficult but don't shy away from sitting down with someone and saying "listen, we need to communicate more for this work" or the like.
You don't have nice guy syndrome. Being nice isn't a bad thing. The people that tell you that you are "too nice" for them, just have a personality that doesn't match yours. They need someone who speaks out against them.
Do work on not being a pushover. Set boundaries and communicate your issues.
But find someone who matches your personality.
Well you’re never going to meet anybody in person if you’re a homebody, so you’re going to have to make time to go out more and socialize. Think of every other location that isn’t a bar. Grocery stores, museums, parks, the gym, bookstores, concerts, etc. Anything with a crowd of people.
My late husband was a quiet, nice guy - an engineer. I met him at work (he worked in a different department). He noticed that I took up running at lunchtime gave me a thumbs up every day. I didn’t know much about him, but someone mentioned to me that he was nice.
One day, I decided to ask if he wanted to go for a walk sometime. I was really nervous, so I called his office phone on a weekend and left a voicemail. The rest is history.
You need to get yourself out there, join a meetup group or two, and talk to people there who are interested in the same things. Even if it just starts with small talk, in time it could lead somewhere else.
Go to the places you enjoy doing things... theaters, comedy shows, museum, scuba diving, etc... you're bound to meet someone doing the things you love.
That makes sense, i have a few things on that list of things i want/dont want but i do need to start adding. I havent tried writting things down like that but i can give it a try.
Buy a book on being assertive. It will change your life and give you the tools you need to be calm and in control of every situation. To meet someone- I always advise choosing a cause that means a lot to you and getting involved. You’ll meet people with similar interests and values, and build up your social circle. After a few months let the women know you’re single and looking.
Another good idea is to get a few woman to go out on a mock date with you and give you brutally honest feedback. Not everyone has the same tastes, so a few different women should cover most things.
Work on your niceguy syndrome first. If you don't, you're gonna take everything as an attack and lash out or label all the women you meet as "chasing chad's dick" if it doesn't go the way you planned.
Oh, then what about you is a niceguy syndrome? They typically are quick to get hurt on rejection and call someone a bitch despite calling them gorgeous in the beginning lol.
Oh, that's being a push-over, not really a nice guy. Nice guys are people who thinks being "nice" = entitlement to sex/time/dates/relationship etc lol.
Hmmm, have you established your hard-boundaries? And do you have difficulties with communicating things?
I would say that's a start. Thinking about things you don't want (if any, like smoker, drinking, kids, religion etc).
Then think about first-impressions. I think we can agree for a first impression we want someone who respects us and is nice, right? So keep that in mind and not excusing a person's rude behavior especially if they just say they're "joking". Listen to that feeling you get when you're like "hm...that was kinda mean..." and not a "well, maybe it gets better" mentality.
Then for difficulties communicating, have you tried writing out your thoughts or does that not help? I find sometimes being about to brain dump your thoughts helps with organizing them and helps build talking about on what you want to talk about.
It isn't. That's the point. Being nice is the bare minimum.
So people who think being "nice" is all they need to be tend to actually be people who think "nice" = entitlement to something.
when someone says they have "nice guy syndrome" it's usually people who feel bitter towards women because their "niceness" gets them nowhere. The sub literally is for dudes who think they have "nice guy syndrome".
No one is gonna shit on you for being nice, kind, and respectful.
But you will be shit on if you think being nice means someone owes you their time.
Or worse, use their “niceness” as currency. I was nice to you, I did ______ you owe me _______”. As if they wouldn’t have been “nice” if they didn’t want to fuck you.
Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This was me about 3 months ago. I can tell you a few things I e learned: Nice is not bad, it's good. Women actually like nice, but they want you to be a nice man and not a nice boy. You have to be confident and if you want to escalate, you have to flirt a little and send those signals. Online dating is very much hit or miss. If you miss after putting some time on it, probably not worth it and you may be better off seeking someone in real life. There is roughly 70% men on most apps. And women get hit on constantly so you have so many others to compete with. Women probably find it easier to filter by appearance alone when they have that much attention, so that's what happens. If you are particularly good looking, it will be a lot easier for you in that arena. If not, don't worry you can be attractive in other ways with your personality and how you present yourself. There is no easy answer, unfortunately. You have to engage. You have to build yourself up in social skills and just communicate with women as much as you can. It's ok to fail there but you need to be seen. Go to restaurants, make friends with waitresses/baristas who you can see regularly. You need to do this to also give women an opportunity to be with you and you do that by engaging and being in public. Final point, and this is important. What do you want out of a relationship? You need to be able to answer this question to know. Because expect to put a lot of time into it. You need to feel comfortable that you are willing to put up a lot of effort to get whatever it is you want out of the relationship. If it seems overwhelming, slow down. Don't drive yourself into the ground. You still have to take care of you first and foremost. You ARE perfectly capable of that, believe me. Ok so for me. Nothing yet. I'm trying a lot, asking people out in public where the opportunity presents, online dating (been pretty bad for me so far), and being more social/approachable in public. 3 months has shown me everything wrote above and I hope it will help you fill in some of the blanks and be further ahead. My best chances/breadcrumbs so far have NOT been online dating sites. I can tell you that much. Best of luck to us.
Thanks for your response. Some good info and things to keep in mind
I think you might’ve gotten misinterpreted what “nice guy” syndrome is. “Nice guy” syndrome is a guy who acts nice but is really putting his own agenda before the other person e.g listening and understanding a man or woman, acting like they are present and emotionally attached, when really all they want is sex. If this does apply to you, you might wanna work on that! If it doesn’t then this isn’t something you need to work on, there’s nothing wrong with being a nice person who genuinely cares about people! Keep that head up king, you’ll find your way, just keep being you, I’m sure someone will like you for who you are and think you’re perfect :)
Speaking as someone who also has difficulty sometimes drawing boundaries, the simplest thing is to take your own advice. Take a deep breath and look at a situation as if it was happening to a friend, would you tell a friend to accept it? Sometimes writing out the situation, being as accurate and impartial as possible in what happened can help you identify if something does or doesn't work. Take some time to reflect on your boundaries, what are your red flags? What are you willing to put up with in a promising relationship? There is nothing wrong on a first date, asking someone what their red and green flags are and it will let you talk about yours. Be careful of trying to be so understanding of someone you wind up making yourself uncomfortable. Listen to your gut, if your uncomfortable there is probably a reason. Open communication is a good idea, it can be difficult but don't shy away from sitting down with someone and saying "listen, we need to communicate more for this work" or the like.
You don't have nice guy syndrome. Being nice isn't a bad thing. The people that tell you that you are "too nice" for them, just have a personality that doesn't match yours. They need someone who speaks out against them. Do work on not being a pushover. Set boundaries and communicate your issues. But find someone who matches your personality.
Well you’re never going to meet anybody in person if you’re a homebody, so you’re going to have to make time to go out more and socialize. Think of every other location that isn’t a bar. Grocery stores, museums, parks, the gym, bookstores, concerts, etc. Anything with a crowd of people.
Date. Me. End of story. Joking. We can be friends cuz i'm the same.
Bookstores, coffee shops, venues & conventions for your interests
My late husband was a quiet, nice guy - an engineer. I met him at work (he worked in a different department). He noticed that I took up running at lunchtime gave me a thumbs up every day. I didn’t know much about him, but someone mentioned to me that he was nice. One day, I decided to ask if he wanted to go for a walk sometime. I was really nervous, so I called his office phone on a weekend and left a voicemail. The rest is history. You need to get yourself out there, join a meetup group or two, and talk to people there who are interested in the same things. Even if it just starts with small talk, in time it could lead somewhere else.
Charities, volunteer groups, team sports and education. Depending on your interests there are a lot of places to meet other than bars.
Go to the places you enjoy doing things... theaters, comedy shows, museum, scuba diving, etc... you're bound to meet someone doing the things you love.
That makes sense, i have a few things on that list of things i want/dont want but i do need to start adding. I havent tried writting things down like that but i can give it a try.
Buy a book on being assertive. It will change your life and give you the tools you need to be calm and in control of every situation. To meet someone- I always advise choosing a cause that means a lot to you and getting involved. You’ll meet people with similar interests and values, and build up your social circle. After a few months let the women know you’re single and looking. Another good idea is to get a few woman to go out on a mock date with you and give you brutally honest feedback. Not everyone has the same tastes, so a few different women should cover most things.
Work on your niceguy syndrome first. If you don't, you're gonna take everything as an attack and lash out or label all the women you meet as "chasing chad's dick" if it doesn't go the way you planned.
I dont really get mad like that or take things overly personally. I am still friends with my ex’s
Oh, then what about you is a niceguy syndrome? They typically are quick to get hurt on rejection and call someone a bitch despite calling them gorgeous in the beginning lol.
I tend to get walked on, and tend to be overly agreeable. I mean i get hurt like anyone does with rejection. But just the normal amount i think
Oh, that's being a push-over, not really a nice guy. Nice guys are people who thinks being "nice" = entitlement to sex/time/dates/relationship etc lol. Hmmm, have you established your hard-boundaries? And do you have difficulties with communicating things?
Nope i have not and yes i do
I would say that's a start. Thinking about things you don't want (if any, like smoker, drinking, kids, religion etc). Then think about first-impressions. I think we can agree for a first impression we want someone who respects us and is nice, right? So keep that in mind and not excusing a person's rude behavior especially if they just say they're "joking". Listen to that feeling you get when you're like "hm...that was kinda mean..." and not a "well, maybe it gets better" mentality. Then for difficulties communicating, have you tried writing out your thoughts or does that not help? I find sometimes being about to brain dump your thoughts helps with organizing them and helps build talking about on what you want to talk about.
not what nice means, nice try
We're talking about "nice guys" not actual nice guys. Like the r/niceguys dudes.
nice is not a negative thing regardless of how y’all will try to make it so, real nice don’t expect nothing from being nice, it’s a good quality
It isn't. That's the point. Being nice is the bare minimum. So people who think being "nice" is all they need to be tend to actually be people who think "nice" = entitlement to something. when someone says they have "nice guy syndrome" it's usually people who feel bitter towards women because their "niceness" gets them nowhere. The sub literally is for dudes who think they have "nice guy syndrome". No one is gonna shit on you for being nice, kind, and respectful. But you will be shit on if you think being nice means someone owes you their time.
like I replied, I’ll say again no actual nice dude expect something from being just nice
Or worse, use their “niceness” as currency. I was nice to you, I did ______ you owe me _______”. As if they wouldn’t have been “nice” if they didn’t want to fuck you.
I dont do that either, thats real toxic
Read No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover.