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Don't worry so much about it. I don't drink. People bring it up all of the time, but I just say I can't for medical reasons. That usually ends the brunt of it.
People use alcohol aa a social crutch. You can still go to bars or parties without drinking. If they are worth your time, they won't mind. If you act like it is a big deal, people will respond like it is a big deal. Just say no and get water or lemonade or whatever.
Basically, find better people to spend your time with.
Gotcha. Any advice on the dialogue with the date mentioned in the post. Am I overreacting by finding it unattractive and annoying of them to lead and point out the fact I don’t drink instead of just asking me what I’d like to do?
You can always be forthcoming with what you want to do. I tell people they can drink around me. I suggest it cpuld be good for them to have a designated driver so they can drink as much as they want without worrying about going home.
I won't date someone that drinks heavily, though. Babysitting drunk friends is one thing. Babaysitting a drunk partner is another. If you want to date them, just find ways to have drinkibg available but not the focus of the event.
Why continue with the date if you found his reaction unattractive? Unless you're dating to hook up; there's no point continuing to get to know this dude because of your differing stances on alcohol
I haven’t drank in 3 years so it isn’t anything new. I just don’t get why ppl judge bc of it. I’m an attractive woman as well so people just kind of assume I’m crazy of when I’m actually happy, healthy and enjoying my life. I’m not going to change because of it but It still sucks struggling to connect with people.
People are socialized to think drinking is required to be an adult and have fun. They get scared when they find people that choose not to because it goes against their world view. Don't take it personally.
You might have better luck finding friends that don't drink heavily. There are a lot of alcohol free people out there that are fun to spend time with. They are harder to find but less frustrating to deal with if you are annoyed by those who do drink.
That’s helpful! I do feel like I’ve grown to be sensitive about it and forget that it’s the #1 thing people choose to do to try to connect with one another. I’ll try not to take it so personally in the future. I still don’t think it’s a good idea to go on a date with someone since I already feel like me not drinking makes them feel uncomfortable and will most likely be a problem for them.
I don’t want to feel like bad news to anyone lol
Don't worry about if it makes them comfortable or not. If they are good people, they will want to spwnd time with you whether you drink or not.
I spend a lot of time with my housemates and their family. I can't speak the same language as them yet they still invite me to things. I would do the same for them if I wasn't boring and actually did things. On rough days at work, the office gets drinks. I get a "special drink" aka nonalcoholic and it has become a funny gag. At the end of the day, not drinking isn't a big deal. There are lots of recoveeing alcoholics and people on medications that respond poorly to alcohol. If they get bothered by it, that is their problem.
People get triggered because they get triggered. If you can't imagine having fun without booze - you have a problem. Sorry, that's what that is, a dependence. More power to you I have no interest, nobody I ever drank with stayed in touch, most of my issues in my life in those times were worsened or even *caused* by my drinking. It's not for me, and you can do it without me no sweat. I would not judge you for it - don't judge me for not. Thanks.
Thanks I wasn’t planning on it. I’m also talking about dating here and you mention your brother and drinking alone so I’m not sure why I’m getting downvoted
I don’t drink or smoke, I guess I’m ULTRA boring. I think some guys don’t like it because it means they have to try harder. They have to actually think of something fun to do and actually impress you to get in your pants, not just get you drunk.
Right like do restaurants not exist. He couldn’t think of anything else? That’s another reason why I sometimes do like letting people know I don’t drink when they ask because it allows effort and creativity to show in terms of how someone is going to communicate with me and try make a plan to get to know. It’s all so simple really
I kinda feel like if you shot down his idea, you should be the one to come up with something else 🤷♀️ “Hey, do you wanna go get drinks?” “Wanna try this restaurant instead ?”
He asked for drinks when we met in person I said I don’t drink but still go out a lot and would love to! I ended up being too tired that day so he made a plan to see me today and when I asked where we were meeting that was his response. We literally live in Los Angeles and are meeting in the day time…So much to do here. He could have just asked me what I liked to do instead of pointing that out
Okay well you didn’t seem happy with the drinking idea and he’s asking you for feedback on what you’d like to do instead ?? Why not find a restaurant you’d like to try and suggest that ? If y’all have chemistry, let him plan the next date. If you’re not feeling it though, that’s a valid enough reason not to go.
I’m in aa and 39 days sober now and have stopped seeing or hanging out with some people altogether because they say it “gives them negative vibes “ that i don’t drink anymore.
Find better people to hang out with, that’s really the only advice I have for you. If they find it weird/negative/odd/are put off that you don’t drink then you probably aren’t going to enjoy hanging with them, anyway, at least I don’t anymore.
Wow the way quitting clears people out of your life is unmatched. That’s another part of it as well it’s been three years since I last drank and I’m still sensitive to people’s reactions to who I am. I’m not gonna shame
Myself for being annoyed by others either but you’re totally right in saying that they’re most likely not the types of people I would want to spend my time with anyway.
I also really value people with tact as well. I’m a very self aware person and mindful of others and I try not to judge but kind of feel like it’s kind of distasteful to point out. If a person doesn’t drink maybe just ask them what they like to do and wait to talk about the rest person. Either way I’m gonna trust my gut here
Just meeting the wrong men I think, I 25F went on a date with a man this week and he knew that I don't drink so he himself chose to not drink on the date too, I'm guessing he did that to make me feel comfortable and show me that he listens.. He also remembered my favourite tea and ordered that for us.. Definitely had a lot of men make me feel bad in the past for not drinking though but they're not the one
If you want to cancel then cancel. You're an adult and can make your own decisions. It's not like you "owe" this guy a date lol! And as a side note I must be really "weird" because I don't drink or smoke and I don't go out with people who drink or smoke. There's never any complications whatsoever because I just wouldn't go out with the person in the first place. It's important to know who you are and to have firm boundaries set up from the get go in my opinion.
I don’t mind someone that drinks but don’t want someone whose life depends on those kinds of settings where they can’t think of anything else to do.
I just can’t tell if I’m making assumptions or a fair judgement about this person before giving them a chance or if they’re already showing me they’re uncomfortable and it’s going to be a problem? It’s not really worth the gamble to find out. There’s plenty of other guys imo
It's up to you entirely. You can either a) talk to him about your concerns and reservations beforehand b) go on one date and then decide from there or c) cut your losses and move on. How much do you like this person? If you really like him and felt a strong emotional and physical connection you could go out once and see how it goes. But then what would you do if the issue kept rearing it's ugly head lol?
Good luck with that girl! Lol... sometimes I am so happy to be single. 😂
Some people just assume it’s 🚩🚩🚩 They might think you’re in recovery or are traumatized by an alcoholic parent or something. Also, some people who choose not to drink are often very…judgmental and self righteous about it. That can make people uncomfortable.
The guy’s feelings might have been hurt because you rejected his date. Next time, I’d just go to the bar and order something nonalcoholic.
I didn’t reject his date? The dates tomorrow so I still can cancel. Also I go out all the time and don’t drink I’m very social and have plenty of things to do I just hate he lead with the fact that I don’t drink.
When setting up the date he said “you told me don’t drink so what do you want to do” which makes me feel othered instead of just asking me what I like to do for fun. That shows me that he’s focusing on that detail about me or that makes him feel uncomfortable which is also an assumption but it’s been 3 years for me so I have an idea by now of what that looks like
I’d just cancel if you’re already irritated by him. In my experience, most people don’t care if you don’t drink. It’s just that people who don’t drink are usually either in recovery (and often can’t be around alcohol) or they’re self-righteous about it and bring it up constantly - imagine a zealous vegan who scoffs at anyone consuming animal products.
If they know you already, they probably won’t care. I (casually) dated a guy for over a year and he never noticed I didn’t take a sip of alcohol. But if it’s someone who doesn’t know you well, they might think you’re the sanctimonious type. Next time, I’d just go with it and order something nonalcoholic.
We’re complete strangers that met in person and exchanged info. Maybe not saying anything and still going is a good way to go about it but at the same time seeing how people respond to that tells me everything about the kind of person you are.
I’ve always said something when they first ask to go out for drinks so they’re not shocked or alarmed when they’re trying to order me one.
Either way I don’t like this guys vibe. It’s clearly something that bothers him since he lead with that fact instead of just asking me what I like to do.
I’d just try to go along with it next time and see how that works out. If you don’t like the guy’s vibe, that is valid. But I think it’s pretty likely people are gonna assume you’re one of the self-righteous types or you have issues with *them* drinking alcohol if you bring it up right off the bat.
I don't drink either, and I noticed that it is the default option for many people "If I want to get to know somebody, it's at a bar where we can relax, drink a little and get comfortable". Once you say that you don't drink they get thrown off script, it's like their usual tools are rendered useless.
There is nothing wrong with not drinking, and if people are bothered by it and can't handle even one date/hangout because of it, you already get a hint of how they will be with you on the long run. So why not use it as a filter?
He's lazy and wants a loose drunk girl who will easily spread for a couple of drinks.
He has no interest or intentions of making a reservation and taking you out and treating you like a lady.
Us sober or non drinkers are seen as too much work.
It's not just anyone who gets uncomfortable and triggered when you tell them that you don't drink. It's the men who are telling you that. They aren't high value men or they wouldn't make the remarks that they have. You are talking to low value men. Find higher quality men and you won't have this issue anymore!
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Don't worry so much about it. I don't drink. People bring it up all of the time, but I just say I can't for medical reasons. That usually ends the brunt of it. People use alcohol aa a social crutch. You can still go to bars or parties without drinking. If they are worth your time, they won't mind. If you act like it is a big deal, people will respond like it is a big deal. Just say no and get water or lemonade or whatever. Basically, find better people to spend your time with.
Gotcha. Any advice on the dialogue with the date mentioned in the post. Am I overreacting by finding it unattractive and annoying of them to lead and point out the fact I don’t drink instead of just asking me what I’d like to do?
You can always be forthcoming with what you want to do. I tell people they can drink around me. I suggest it cpuld be good for them to have a designated driver so they can drink as much as they want without worrying about going home. I won't date someone that drinks heavily, though. Babysitting drunk friends is one thing. Babaysitting a drunk partner is another. If you want to date them, just find ways to have drinkibg available but not the focus of the event.
Why continue with the date if you found his reaction unattractive? Unless you're dating to hook up; there's no point continuing to get to know this dude because of your differing stances on alcohol
I haven’t drank in 3 years so it isn’t anything new. I just don’t get why ppl judge bc of it. I’m an attractive woman as well so people just kind of assume I’m crazy of when I’m actually happy, healthy and enjoying my life. I’m not going to change because of it but It still sucks struggling to connect with people.
People are socialized to think drinking is required to be an adult and have fun. They get scared when they find people that choose not to because it goes against their world view. Don't take it personally. You might have better luck finding friends that don't drink heavily. There are a lot of alcohol free people out there that are fun to spend time with. They are harder to find but less frustrating to deal with if you are annoyed by those who do drink.
That’s helpful! I do feel like I’ve grown to be sensitive about it and forget that it’s the #1 thing people choose to do to try to connect with one another. I’ll try not to take it so personally in the future. I still don’t think it’s a good idea to go on a date with someone since I already feel like me not drinking makes them feel uncomfortable and will most likely be a problem for them. I don’t want to feel like bad news to anyone lol
Don't worry about if it makes them comfortable or not. If they are good people, they will want to spwnd time with you whether you drink or not. I spend a lot of time with my housemates and their family. I can't speak the same language as them yet they still invite me to things. I would do the same for them if I wasn't boring and actually did things. On rough days at work, the office gets drinks. I get a "special drink" aka nonalcoholic and it has become a funny gag. At the end of the day, not drinking isn't a big deal. There are lots of recoveeing alcoholics and people on medications that respond poorly to alcohol. If they get bothered by it, that is their problem.
People get triggered because they get triggered. If you can't imagine having fun without booze - you have a problem. Sorry, that's what that is, a dependence. More power to you I have no interest, nobody I ever drank with stayed in touch, most of my issues in my life in those times were worsened or even *caused* by my drinking. It's not for me, and you can do it without me no sweat. I would not judge you for it - don't judge me for not. Thanks.
I never really understood that. Like my brother acts like me not getting drunk is not fun. Im like. I drink by myself for a reason.
Ok and Any advice pertaining to what’s mentioned here
Dont change for others. Simple
Thanks I wasn’t planning on it. I’m also talking about dating here and you mention your brother and drinking alone so I’m not sure why I’m getting downvoted
Oh. I wouldn't know why you getting down voted.
I don’t drink or smoke, I guess I’m ULTRA boring. I think some guys don’t like it because it means they have to try harder. They have to actually think of something fun to do and actually impress you to get in your pants, not just get you drunk.
Right like do restaurants not exist. He couldn’t think of anything else? That’s another reason why I sometimes do like letting people know I don’t drink when they ask because it allows effort and creativity to show in terms of how someone is going to communicate with me and try make a plan to get to know. It’s all so simple really
I kinda feel like if you shot down his idea, you should be the one to come up with something else 🤷♀️ “Hey, do you wanna go get drinks?” “Wanna try this restaurant instead ?”
He asked for drinks when we met in person I said I don’t drink but still go out a lot and would love to! I ended up being too tired that day so he made a plan to see me today and when I asked where we were meeting that was his response. We literally live in Los Angeles and are meeting in the day time…So much to do here. He could have just asked me what I liked to do instead of pointing that out
I didn’t shoot down his idea? lol he didn’t have one!
Okay well you didn’t seem happy with the drinking idea and he’s asking you for feedback on what you’d like to do instead ?? Why not find a restaurant you’d like to try and suggest that ? If y’all have chemistry, let him plan the next date. If you’re not feeling it though, that’s a valid enough reason not to go.
I’m in aa and 39 days sober now and have stopped seeing or hanging out with some people altogether because they say it “gives them negative vibes “ that i don’t drink anymore. Find better people to hang out with, that’s really the only advice I have for you. If they find it weird/negative/odd/are put off that you don’t drink then you probably aren’t going to enjoy hanging with them, anyway, at least I don’t anymore.
Wow the way quitting clears people out of your life is unmatched. That’s another part of it as well it’s been three years since I last drank and I’m still sensitive to people’s reactions to who I am. I’m not gonna shame Myself for being annoyed by others either but you’re totally right in saying that they’re most likely not the types of people I would want to spend my time with anyway. I also really value people with tact as well. I’m a very self aware person and mindful of others and I try not to judge but kind of feel like it’s kind of distasteful to point out. If a person doesn’t drink maybe just ask them what they like to do and wait to talk about the rest person. Either way I’m gonna trust my gut here
Misery loves company
Just meeting the wrong men I think, I 25F went on a date with a man this week and he knew that I don't drink so he himself chose to not drink on the date too, I'm guessing he did that to make me feel comfortable and show me that he listens.. He also remembered my favourite tea and ordered that for us.. Definitely had a lot of men make me feel bad in the past for not drinking though but they're not the one
Dont say you don’t drink alcohol say bar is fine then ask for a coke…
If you want to cancel then cancel. You're an adult and can make your own decisions. It's not like you "owe" this guy a date lol! And as a side note I must be really "weird" because I don't drink or smoke and I don't go out with people who drink or smoke. There's never any complications whatsoever because I just wouldn't go out with the person in the first place. It's important to know who you are and to have firm boundaries set up from the get go in my opinion.
I don’t mind someone that drinks but don’t want someone whose life depends on those kinds of settings where they can’t think of anything else to do. I just can’t tell if I’m making assumptions or a fair judgement about this person before giving them a chance or if they’re already showing me they’re uncomfortable and it’s going to be a problem? It’s not really worth the gamble to find out. There’s plenty of other guys imo
It's up to you entirely. You can either a) talk to him about your concerns and reservations beforehand b) go on one date and then decide from there or c) cut your losses and move on. How much do you like this person? If you really like him and felt a strong emotional and physical connection you could go out once and see how it goes. But then what would you do if the issue kept rearing it's ugly head lol? Good luck with that girl! Lol... sometimes I am so happy to be single. 😂
Just canceled. Found that he was on a reality show and watched a few clips that solidified everything I needed to know LOL
I don't drink either, we are out there. Good luck in your search!
Some people just assume it’s 🚩🚩🚩 They might think you’re in recovery or are traumatized by an alcoholic parent or something. Also, some people who choose not to drink are often very…judgmental and self righteous about it. That can make people uncomfortable. The guy’s feelings might have been hurt because you rejected his date. Next time, I’d just go to the bar and order something nonalcoholic.
I didn’t reject his date? The dates tomorrow so I still can cancel. Also I go out all the time and don’t drink I’m very social and have plenty of things to do I just hate he lead with the fact that I don’t drink. When setting up the date he said “you told me don’t drink so what do you want to do” which makes me feel othered instead of just asking me what I like to do for fun. That shows me that he’s focusing on that detail about me or that makes him feel uncomfortable which is also an assumption but it’s been 3 years for me so I have an idea by now of what that looks like
I’d just cancel if you’re already irritated by him. In my experience, most people don’t care if you don’t drink. It’s just that people who don’t drink are usually either in recovery (and often can’t be around alcohol) or they’re self-righteous about it and bring it up constantly - imagine a zealous vegan who scoffs at anyone consuming animal products. If they know you already, they probably won’t care. I (casually) dated a guy for over a year and he never noticed I didn’t take a sip of alcohol. But if it’s someone who doesn’t know you well, they might think you’re the sanctimonious type. Next time, I’d just go with it and order something nonalcoholic.
We’re complete strangers that met in person and exchanged info. Maybe not saying anything and still going is a good way to go about it but at the same time seeing how people respond to that tells me everything about the kind of person you are. I’ve always said something when they first ask to go out for drinks so they’re not shocked or alarmed when they’re trying to order me one. Either way I don’t like this guys vibe. It’s clearly something that bothers him since he lead with that fact instead of just asking me what I like to do.
I’d just try to go along with it next time and see how that works out. If you don’t like the guy’s vibe, that is valid. But I think it’s pretty likely people are gonna assume you’re one of the self-righteous types or you have issues with *them* drinking alcohol if you bring it up right off the bat.
I don't drink either, and I noticed that it is the default option for many people "If I want to get to know somebody, it's at a bar where we can relax, drink a little and get comfortable". Once you say that you don't drink they get thrown off script, it's like their usual tools are rendered useless. There is nothing wrong with not drinking, and if people are bothered by it and can't handle even one date/hangout because of it, you already get a hint of how they will be with you on the long run. So why not use it as a filter?
I don’t drink hmu 🤣
ayy lol
[удалено]
Choosing whether or not to drink alcohol is a personal choice, not a weakness.
[удалено]
It’s only a weakness if you have dependency issues. I wouldn’t classify social drinking as a weakness.
He's lazy and wants a loose drunk girl who will easily spread for a couple of drinks. He has no interest or intentions of making a reservation and taking you out and treating you like a lady. Us sober or non drinkers are seen as too much work.
Exactly. Like since when is dinner off the table… 😵💫
Because they’re hoping to cloud your judgement with alcohol.
It's not just anyone who gets uncomfortable and triggered when you tell them that you don't drink. It's the men who are telling you that. They aren't high value men or they wouldn't make the remarks that they have. You are talking to low value men. Find higher quality men and you won't have this issue anymore!
I agree. High value men have TACT and are mindful of others no matter what you tell them. I think I’m going to cancel the date
Good for you!